#435 Nikki's Autograph Price Point, GRWM Videos, & What Happened To Babysitters?

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Niki Glaser Podcast Glaser Puss.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hi, everyone, it's NICKI, It's me. I'm here Niki Glazer
in Los Angeles, California. We're doing it remote today. Brian's
at his home in Culver City. Is that too specific?
Do you not want people to even know?

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Like? I love Culver City. I'm a big fan of it,
and I don't mind risking my life to promote It's.

Speaker 3 (00:31):
I'm sure that would be so ambitious if someone figured out,
like and really made it their mission to figure out
where you live based on just like, yeah, a place
where thousands of people live.

Speaker 1 (00:42):
Where anybody lives, It's pretty easy to look up someone's address,
and like, if you're really desperate to figure out where
someone lives, all you need to do is hire a
private investigator for one hundred and fifty dollars and they'll
figure it out within twenty minutes.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
Yeah, because they'll they'll use fifteen of that dollars to
just do that, you know, the search. Yeah, pay for
that website. Yeah, I was. I posted on my story
a while back that I was like signing all these
autographs that people like people. There's like a whole culture
of people who send celebrities printed pictures of themselves and

(01:19):
then send a return stamp envelope and then you, as
the celebrity, just have to take it out and then
put it in the other envelope. And it sounds like
it's very easy to do, Like, oh, that's you know,
they provide everything opening mail and your hands get dry
and there's so many and then you have to keep
track of like which one goes with which because it's
a they all send them to my parents' house. And

(01:40):
my friend wrote to me and was like what is this,
Like why do you have why do you have to
do this? And I'm like, I don't have to do it.
And he's like did you Like did you almost did
you set this up? Why would I ever set that up?
Like and he goes, how would people find your address?
I'm like the Yellow Pages or the white Pages. I mean,

(02:03):
it's my parents address. All these things get sent to
my parents. Their their address has been on It's in
every buzz book, which was the you know, directory for
our school. It's it's a well documented you can find
out where my parents live.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
That's not wild. I mean I tried to write a
joke about this once, but the fact that like boomers
seem to be so concerned about their privacy about changing their.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
Mom is going to be mad that I even said this,
even though it's just a thing that you can find
without any paying any money, Okay, going like.

Speaker 1 (02:33):
My dad won't even like provide the answers to security
questions to Chase Bank because he's afraid that he'll get
put on a list somewhere.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yeah, when did the tides change?

Speaker 4 (02:44):
But yeah, you.

Speaker 1 (02:48):
Just printed out your address and phone number in a
book and distribute them to everyone in the neighborhood.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
Absolutely, I mean that's you had every number of every
boy that you had a crush on in school in
their address. You could drive, like drive your bike, spy
and yeah, my mom, well, people don't know where I live,
which is good for the most part. I think they don't,
but they could probably figure it out. And like, if

(03:14):
you send something to my parents' house, I might end
up signing it in like two years because some of
the it just piles up and then my mom goes, Nikki,
we gotta do something with all of these, and I'll
probably eventually get to it. But please don't like it's
just added work in my life. And unless It's like
really matters to you if you're just someone who's hoarding
these things. Why why? I mean, I guess I hoard
certain things. I have things that I'm into. But these

(03:36):
people that they meet me at airports, I mean, this
isn't a common thing that happens to me, but it
just happened to me in Buffalo. Buffalo was just like
so many things happened in Buffalo. I met those Swifties
on the flight home. I got into that altercation with
the guides the TSA. But when I arrived in Buffalo
was they were they there when I arrived? No, when
I got to the airport in Buffalo, or maybe it was,

(03:58):
I don't know where it was, but like when I
got to the airport, they knew what terminal I was
going to be at. Like someone that works at the
airport hooks these guys up with like the flight logs
and finds out who's going to be there. And then
my you know, David Spade told me that sometimes he
will land in a city and they'll be waiting at
the gate for him. People that don't even have a ticket,
They didn't buy a ticket to get in. They like
have friends that connect them and get them in so

(04:20):
that they can harass people when they get off the plane,
and they it's they're always really nice. They're always guys
in like a dirty coat who look a little unshowered
and disheveled, but they're so nice and they're always like
they always to tell you something about yourself, like I
love that roast joke you did about like they have
some specific thing that makes it feel like they're really
a fan. And then they have tons of printed pictures
of you and they hand you a sharpie or like

(04:42):
an exact like the right kind of pen that they
want for that thing. Then they make they have these
like big they'll have a big cardboard board, and then
they have all of your headshots laid out, like seven
of them, and then they hand you a thing and
you just sign each one and I just write an
extra the ones that where I don't like the picture
that they've chose and they don't want them personalize because

(05:02):
they are, I guess going to sell them. But I've
signed thousands at this point and I'm not even that famous.
Like what what are you going to get for that?
Like what what happens? Like do they trade them? Like
what what is going on with these I need.

Speaker 4 (05:15):
To know about this culture.

Speaker 2 (05:17):
What, like you, your shipping would cost more than someone
would pay to buy an autograph of mine.

Speaker 4 (05:23):
Maybe now, maybe if it's.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
All if I die tragically or if I get really
start dating someone famous, that's the only way that I'm
going to reach the level of fame in which those
are going to be. If I start dating teams with.

Speaker 4 (05:34):
Lots of ways you can do it. You could kill somebody,
that's true.

Speaker 2 (05:38):
Yeah, don't discount that. Never discount that I could pull
an oj yeah, or Robert Blake. I'm trying to think
of other famous people that have murdered. Yeah. But I
just always like, I just have to these are gonna
really I sometimes I write like, this will be so
expensive when I die. I like, I write that on
it sometimes and they go, oh that's okay, And I'm like,

(06:01):
but this is true. This is worthless until I die
or until I kill I make someone else die, Like
you said, but I don't know what this is. And
they all, you know, they'll write, they all send the
same looking things like there's I know this is a
subculture of people, and I want to understand it. It's
like the same people that buy like Funko pops, you know,
like or you're just like why.

Speaker 4 (06:20):
Like what do you want understand?

Speaker 1 (06:21):
And not the people who are trying to get you
to sign it and then sell it on eBay. You
want to understand the people who collect the autographs who
get that.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
I get collecting like you have like a room in
your house and you have all these people that like
you have taken some of their time from them to
scribble on a paper, like you own a piece of
their time, Like all the things I have of tailor's
I have so many tailors with signatures because people give
She signed so much stuff, and there's a part of
me that feels like she I had a second of
her life m h I one point two seconds of

(06:51):
her life when she went like, oh, I own that,
Like she's devoted something of her amazing life all the
time she signed things. If you added them up for
all this signatures I have, I probably have like ten.
She could have written like fourteen songs if she wouldn't
have been having to do that. And I and that's
why sometimes when I get an autograph of hers, I'm
just like, oh, I'm so sorry that I inconvenience you
in this way. Somewhere in your past you had to

(07:13):
scribble this, and you should have been doing something else
with your time. But I really like when people ask
for my autograph. I like when people ask for pictures.
Everyone always knows this. I just don't understand these guys
that I just oh, and then they send you a
letter to a lot of times, and that's really nice,
but it's kind of like mad lib style, Like you
can tell they just fill in, but some of them

(07:33):
are very personal and a lot of I can tell
that a lot of I'm being shitty. A lot of
these people I think are homebound, Like you can just tell,
like they just consume TV and entertainment and feel connection
with people, and like it just seems like this is
their way to reach the outside world. And I'm sorry
that I don't send it back. For another I think
it's exciting they send off these things to I'm guessing

(07:55):
hundreds of celebrities and then they probably get forty back
and from me, you get one back three years after
you sent it, and that's must be exciting. Yeah, But
I would never. When my friend was like, so, this
is a thing like you do, and I'm like, I
would never invite this. I don't. I'm not someone who's like,

(08:16):
you're welcome, here's my sigment. Like, it's just not who
I am. But I guess there are people that would
do that.

Speaker 1 (08:22):
I'm I used to live with one of these guys,
Rinaldo's back in the Story of Queens, a guy.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
The guy that you told us about who would, oh yeah,
he would go to celebrity events.

Speaker 1 (08:35):
He took me to gather his little mentor for a
while because I was also poor, and he he's the
one who taught me how to get onto food stamps
and to uh, you know, take advantage of all the
public publicly funded.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
How do you get on food stamps? I know that's
such a privileged thing to say.

Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yeah, I mean, there was a bunch of different tricks.
That's one of the tricks. One of the tricks was like,
don't tell them that you have a cell phone, because
if you have enough money to afford a cell phone plan,
or if you're on your parents' plan still, then they're
gonna think you have enough money to not need foodstamps.
So just lie and say I don't even have a
phone like stuff like that. And he's like, you go
in and he's like, you gotta wear a shirt with

(09:14):
like's not that nice, Like where you gotta wear a
button down shirt that looks like you got at the
discount rack at a mall somewhere. Maybe it doesn't fit
you right. And then when you go in there, he
just like coached me. He's like, when you go in there,
look like you're sad, look like nothing's going well in
your life and you just need a little bit of help.

Speaker 2 (09:33):
So what is in there? Where is there?

Speaker 1 (09:35):
You have to go to like a like a social
services administrative building, and you know it's a government building.
It's like going to the DMV, except you go to
the foodstamp's office and you interview with a social worker.

Speaker 2 (09:48):
And then what do the suit stamps literally look like stamps?

Speaker 1 (09:52):
I think they used to back in the day, but
that's that's no longer the case they give you act
is it a card now? Yeah, it's a card now.
And the rule with food stamps is you can only
buy food that's groceries that's not prepared. So if you like,
even if you went to the grocery store, you couldn't
buy like a cooked rotisserie chicken at the grocery store
with food stace.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
That's what poor people need because they don't have microwaves
and stuff.

Speaker 1 (10:16):
They really want you to pinch every penny and spend
your money on uncooked food so that you cook it
yourself and that you save the money.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
It's cheaper. But then there's some things that you can
buy with food stamps that you're like, how is this possible?
Like a mountain dewberry blast or you know, like things
that don't be Yeah, you can. I think there's really
like a lot of food that you can get that's
just like it's not even food.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
But you're not to buy a cooked rotisserie chicken, which
I've tried to buy before and they said no. But
listen to this. I got the maximum amount of benefit
on the food stamps because at the time I was
just like living in astoria.

Speaker 2 (10:50):
I was, you know, I was you have that demeanor.
If you played up your demeanor of Donald Trodden, yeah,
you're gonna get a lot of sympathy stamps.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
Yeah. But I got the maximum amount thanks to Ronaldo's coaching.
And guess how much the maximum amount is.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
At least Okay, I'm going to guess one hundred and
twenty dollars a week.

Speaker 1 (11:13):
That's very close. If you were saying a month, it
was two hundred dollars a month, is what you guess.

Speaker 2 (11:21):
Ridiculous.

Speaker 4 (11:22):
Yeah, And then the law change nineteen or something three.

Speaker 1 (11:25):
Yeah, and I reapplied for food stamps and I was denied,
and then I had to go before a judge and
argue for food stamps.

Speaker 2 (11:33):
God, he got you really wrapped up in this thing.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
Well, I was just like, I don't make it. I
hardly make any money at all, and I'm trying to
live in Queens, you know, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, it saves you two hundred bucks a month.

Speaker 1 (11:46):
That's not to be fair, to be completely fair. At
any point, I could have gone I'm privileged, and I
could have gone back and lived with my parents and
I would have been fine. I didn't need the two
hundred dollars a month per se. But it's not like
I was taking two hundred dollars a month away from
another poor person. It was taking two hundred dollars from
the government because I was really I had nothing.

Speaker 2 (12:07):
But isn't it taking two hundred dollars from a poor
person because they've allotted that amount for the poor people?
And that's why there is a system of like trying
to figure out who deserves what, and they probably have
like you can only give this money away, they have
a nough. I mean, I'm not blaming you, but I'm saying, like,
when it comes down to it, isn't it like there's
not like a pothole that's not being covered up because
you did that.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
It's like, no, no.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
And there isn't a poor person that I took like
it wasn't like me versus no, of course, but.

Speaker 2 (12:33):
In the scheme of things, it kind of like it's
the argument I make when people have kids. No offense
to Noah, who's an active labor right now, but when
you have a child, you are and you don't adopt,
You're there's a kid shivering in an orphanage somewhere because
you wanted to have something that looks like you. If
you really there is and we do this all. I mean,

(12:55):
this is for everything we do in life that's even
a little bit selfish or isn't you know, there's constant
there's something because of that, Like my dad always saying,
because you left this lamp on, there is a smoke
stack billowing out poisonous fumes because of this lamp that
you left on. You know those smoke stacks that just
like they look, They used to really disturb me as

(13:15):
a child. It's just like pollution going in the air
like this. It's crazy looking. It's just like what you
see on documentaries where it's like the end of the world.
There's always a shot of a smoke stack. And my
dad really like hammered that in my head of like,
that's because you're so selfish that you didn't want to
go like turn off that bedside lamp because you wanted
to go get to Starbucks faster. You are now polluting

(13:38):
the world, And I think I think in those terms
because of my dad.

Speaker 1 (13:42):
You know what, now that you've mentioned it, I do
remember at the beginning of the process, I had to
box a Honduran family and.

Speaker 2 (13:52):
I knew something like that was going. But didn't this
guy teach you how to like go into celebrity events
like red carpet events, premiere of things. And then he
would after tell me what he would do out.

Speaker 1 (14:04):
There's a whole subculture of people who are collecting celebrity
memorabilia to sell on eBay, and that's how they make
their living. And so Ronaldo snuck me into the movie
premiere of cop Out, that Tracy Morgan movie.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
And yeah, one of the movies I almost said for
Kevin Hart when they asked me what my favorite Kevin
Hart movie was.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
Oh my god, I almost said that I love I
love doing shawsh Ank Redemption shit.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
Oh yeah, I think he's Morgan Freeman. Okay, I just
loved Nikki Glazer autograph. And there's so many, Yeah, how
much there's so many. Oh my god, fifty dollars, ninety dollars.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (14:46):
Oh I remember signing that one. I like, remember some
of these always signed my legs in this one, ninety dollars,
one hundred and fifteen. I mean, there's nothing under fifty dollars. Oh,
there's one a comedy signed index card. Oh, these bastards.
I always want what they do, because sometimes they just
send an index card that you can get one for
five dollars. There's I mean, it's all of them. They're

(15:07):
all here.

Speaker 1 (15:08):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (15:08):
Okay, that makes sense.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
But I mean, like, if you can get fifty bucks
for an autograph, that's like a good deal for those.

Speaker 2 (15:15):
God, there's like a fan art sticker of me looking
like I'm crying. What is that from? That's crazy. That's
kind of good Nikki fan art podcast sticker and I
look like I'm crying. It's really pretty picture of me too.
Thanks for making that sticker everyone. I don't know when
I cried like that publicly, but it's you nailed it.

Speaker 4 (15:35):
So this guy who you think is comparable to you
and fame?

Speaker 2 (15:40):
That's a really good question because this will reveal what
I really think of myself. I would say, man, God,
who would you? I mean, like, I'm not gonna be offounded. Yeah,
let me just type in comedians because I literally am
like drawing a blank.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
Who's comparable to you?

Speaker 2 (15:59):
Mid level famous comedians, mid level fame?

Speaker 1 (16:06):
Well, think about who's just touring theaters now, I mean, basically, Oh,
that's a good point about Pete Holmes. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, i'd say Pete Holmes. Okay, that's a really that's
perfect So I used to think that he And by
the way, I'm doing a show with Pete Holmes today.
I'm doing a live Netflix show with Pete Holmes today. Yeah.
David Chang has a show called The Problem with Doing Shows.
No offense to anyone who asked me to do a show,

(16:33):
you have to like watch the show, and I don't
like watching TV, Like I don't really watch shows, and
so I do have to watch I always watch the
show when I'm okay. It's called Dinnertime Live okay, and
he has two guests on. Yeah, it's live, and it'll
be live tonight, it'll be now. It's by the time
this podcast airs, it's already on Netflix existing. If you

(16:54):
want to watch me and Pete Holmes live on Netflix
cooking not cooking, David Chang boks for us and then
we eat food that he.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
Makes basically like a YouTube show.

Speaker 2 (17:04):
Yeah, kind of, but it's really well shot, you know
what I mean.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, that's wild man Neflix leaning into this live thing.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
They really are Pete Holmes okay, autograph let's see.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
Yeah, so Pete Holmes autograph it looks like seventy five. Yeah,
you're comparable. There's one for forty, one for thirty. But yeah,
then there's some that.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
Are like, let's see what like Ali Wong is going
for Oh yeah, Allie, I bet she's two hundred. This
shows you how much more famous she is. Oh she
doesn't even autograph stuff. This curling fucking around. No, Wow, Okay,
you can get her. Uh she signed a beef thing
for forty two ninety five, you can get another one
for forty Okay, Well she's but that's that's crazy because

(17:47):
she doesn't I have so much stuff online. Why do
people God, this doesn't make sense to me. Okay, let's
see Chelsea Handler, and I'm not comparing myself to her.
I just want she's obviously leagues in leagues above me.
Chelsea Handler. Autograph Okay, hers are going for one hundred
and fifty, as they should, so she's Yeah, she's that

(18:08):
much more famous. I kind of looked I was thinking
about fame the other day and how like how much
more famous people are? It really is about for me
at least. I'm sure there's other platforms, but like Instagram,
followers really dictate how famous you are, and so Taylor
Swift has like I think, how many how many millions
of followers does she have? Because I was like, how
much more famous is Taylor Swift to me? I mean,

(18:29):
it's she's the most famous person in the world, but like,
let's just think about the scale. She's on the top
of the scale. She has two hundred and eighty three
million followers. I have a million, So she is two
hundred and eighty three times more famous than I am,
which seems right. Like if there are three hundred people
in a room and there's one person who believes in you,

(18:50):
Lady Gaga, think there's three hundred, If there's If there's
three hundred people in a room, two hundred and ninety
eight will know who she is. One will know who
I am. But I think all three hundred would know
who Taylor Swift is. Now, if you're doing like an
average American.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
It'd be pretty stupid not to know who she is
at this point, Like what are you even doing? Like
what's going on in your life that you don't know
who Taylor Swift is. It's like it's like when people
say I don't know who I'm voting for in the
next presidential election, It's like, what are you doing?

Speaker 4 (19:18):
Where is your time?

Speaker 3 (19:19):
Swift?

Speaker 2 (19:19):
Obviously? Yeah, well yeah, I'm trying to think of something
recently where my friend didn't know it, and I go,
what the fuck? How do you not know that? So
one had never heard? Oh, I had never heard of there.
I guess there's this like famous TikTok couple where they
like I definitely I'm aware of them. This is the
thing about me. I'm aware of things, but I don't
like know the details. But like there's a tiktoc couple

(19:40):
where they get it's like Marci and Diz or something,
and they they get dressed and then he just compliments
his wife and is like, look at how lovely she looks.
And they're so famous even today on Girls Chat serahle
and it was like, girls, I love like watching video
of Like I want to know how everyone gets it's ready.

(20:00):
How do you guys get ready? Like what do you
do in the morning when you get up and you
get ready? And like how do you do your makeup
and brush your teeth? Like what order do you go in?
And I was like, have you ever heard of get
Ready with me? Like you could be She's like kind
of she's not feeling well recently and so she has
a lot of free time to just like lay around
and like heel and I was like, just you can

(20:21):
watch get Ready with me. Things they're every It was
just crazy to me that she was like specifically asking
for this thing that is the number one genre of
content online. I go, there's reels and there's TikTok where
it's just and so I started sending her things. I
send her a video of these girls who do their
stay at home girlfriends and they just talk about like

(20:43):
what their day entails. I wake up and I make
a macha and then I stretch, and then I go
for a walk to get my ice coffee in journal,
and then I saw a bee and they like, film
a bee and then they're like and then I go
home and I fold the blankets and I do has laundry.
But it's really soft spoken. It's really what a lovely day.
And then their husband always their boyfriend always comes home

(21:04):
from work after making billions of dollars, and then they
go to like a nice dinner, yeah, and then they
go home.

Speaker 1 (21:11):
That's every influencer. I mean, that's that's like the vlogs
on YouTube, and that's what it is now. It's just
like people are watching beautiful people have a nice, lovely day.

Speaker 4 (21:24):
Yes, and that's all we want. I mean, is that
really all we want?

Speaker 2 (21:28):
Oh God? I mean I sometimes it.

Speaker 1 (21:31):
Involves you know, finspiration or write aver it's called where
they work out in the morning at least.

Speaker 4 (21:37):
To get that.

Speaker 2 (21:37):
I always want to know what Pete Holmes had to
do today to get ready for this David Chang thing. Really,
this is I might bring this up live on the show.
I want to know how much of your life it
took to prepare for this thing, because you want to
know how much of my life it took. I had
to get my nails done, and no, I didn't have to.
But I'm on a cooking show where there's close ups
of your hands, and every girl listening to me right

(21:58):
now knows you damn well would get your name done
if you had to do that. I'm not someone who
needs to get my nails done all the time. I
don't feel like it's like, even though there are a
lot of girls who are not on TV who actually
do feel like that is a thing that you need
to do. So I did get my nails done this morning.
That's why had to push the podcast because I have
literally no time. I was there when the store opened
this morning and they were really annoyed and they turned

(22:18):
off there like Korean soap opera, and we're like, oh, okay,
so they did. I had to get the nails done.
That was sixty five dollars after tip. That's just for
a manicure dipping. If you want to know what I
do now, I dip and then I mean it probably
is because I rip them off with my mouth and
then I eat the plastic. It's so gross when your

(22:40):
nails start chipping off, like when you do dip, because
it's just a big plastic chip and you just have it,
you like hold it in your hand and then you
have to just like sprinkle it through the world like
shawshank really through my pant leg. And then and then
I also had to get a spray tan last night,
which let's just talk about that. I couldn't work out
last night because I had the spray tan on, so

(23:02):
it took away two hours of things that I would
want to do. I had to get naked in from
someone I'd invite someone over to my house, and then
I had to pay them one hundred and eighty dollars
after tip for a spray TND and I know that
I don't need to have one, but I kind of
do to to look and feel as good as I
want to feel on TV. And then I'm also having

(23:22):
them come over to do hair and makeup, which thank god,
I think they're paying for the show's paying for it,
but that's also another two hours and fifteen minutes out
of my day. And then thank god I didn't have
to do a fitting for this, because I am just
gonna wear something that I already own, because I'm not
going to be full body. I'm gonna be sitting most
of the time, and it's live and it doesn't feel
as like not that it's not important, but it just
I can. But and then what else? I mean, I'm

(23:46):
wondering what Pete Holmes is going to do to get
ready for it. Not that I'm like he should have
to do all this. I'm just like he's going to
show a little bit annoyed.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
Probably shower, I got it. Sometimes you don't have to,
but maybe he'll shower. Yeah, maybe he got a haircut.
That's that's real. Maybe he did get a haircut.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Yeah, there's it's again. I'm not complaining about why don't
men men have? It's so easy? I mean, I guess
that's what I'm complaining about. And I don't know what
I want from this thing. And I say this a lot,
but it's just the way it is. I'm not like
mad about it. I'm not like you guys should have
to do this or like women shouldn't have to do
it. It's just the way it is. And there's certain perks

(24:25):
of being a hot woman that men don't get, and
there's certain perks of being a man that doesn't have
to worry about the stuff that they get.

Speaker 1 (24:31):
You're a hot man. They get everything.

Speaker 2 (24:34):
Yeah, but they have they have, they have to work
out a lot.

Speaker 1 (24:37):
I'll also have to prove just like a hot woman,
hot men have to prove that they're not dumb.

Speaker 2 (24:43):
Yes, yes, that's a good point.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
If you ever see a man that's really hot, If
I ever see a man that's really hot, I automatically
assume he's he's an idiot, and then it takes like
a five minute conversation before that.

Speaker 2 (24:54):
How great is that that people discount you and then
you're even if you're a little smart, people are shocked. Yeah,
but I remember my Dan's partner club she ha the Chanko,
who's one of the hottest people you'll ever seen in
your life. It's kind of annoying how much people comment
on his looks every time he goes anywhere or does anything.
Like it's just it would it would start to feel
and it's annoying because I have a hot friend, Sarah Lena,

(25:17):
who had just talked about, and she's just remarkably hot,
you know, just distractingly beautiful model and everything. When she's
around people, they can't help but comment on it as
soon as she like, it's just in the air. And
I've talked about this before, but there's this thing that
she'll do around women when she sins because she's been
so bullied by girls even her whole life, because she's

(25:40):
so pretty that girls will hate her, girls that are
threatened by her. She has to throw herself under the
bus constantly when she gets around girls that she even
senses the slightest bit of discomfort from them of her
being too pretty. And she's not someone who thinks she's
that pretty. She actually doesn't at all, because most people
who are the most gorgeous have the worst self esteem
with their looks. But she just knows that girls can

(26:01):
be mean, and so she will. She'll always like say
she farted, or smell her armpits and be like I stink.
Like she has to present something almost immediately when she
gets around because I've seen it happen because I know
the girls. It'll be like we're at the cellar, and
then an insecure girl comedian will come up to hang
out with us, or a girlfriend of a comedian, and
I sense it too, like we can all sensor each

(26:22):
other's insecurity where a girl's just like a little bit
closed off because this really pretty girl is sitting there,
and Sara Lena will inevitably say she stinks pretty soon.

Speaker 4 (26:31):
After that, my pussy stinks and I'm farting.

Speaker 2 (26:34):
No. Absolutely, she will say stuff like that, and it
makes yes and it really she's like it because I
called her on it, or maybe she talked about it
eventually because she's very self aware, but she was like,
I just you know, she's not doing because she's like,
I'm so pretty. She's just like, you know, it just
makes things go easier, and it fucking does. I've seen
it instantly make a girl just soften to her where
Saraelena one time she was going through like a thing

(26:56):
where she had like a bald patch in her hair,
and one time she like flipped it over and like
showed the table. She was like, well, this is what
I'm dealing with, and suddenly everyone like relaxed, like, oh good,
you're flawed.

Speaker 1 (27:07):
That's just another privilege of a hot person. Though an
ugly guy couldn't get away with that. Another guy can't
be like, I'm farting all day to make people like it.

Speaker 2 (27:15):
No, it would make it worse.

Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah, but a hot person farting, that's great.

Speaker 2 (27:20):
But yeah, I mean it would suck to have people
just assume, like to feel bad about themselves because they're
around you.

Speaker 1 (27:26):
Yeah, and yeah it's.

Speaker 2 (27:27):
Threatened and act weird. I mean that's yeah, that's poor,
poor hot people. That's all I have to say. Okay,
we have more show to do. We'll do it more
after the break. Yesterday I did record a episode of
the podcast that's gonna be on the feed. I mean,
it's not really related. It's me. It's still me. I
guess that's I just said in a special Nikki Glazer

(27:50):
podcast edition, like a Swifty special. I think I called it, Yeah,
something like that. I don't know, Like it was just
a it was really fun. I did it with my
friend our Haddi, who's a comedian in Canada, and she's
like my most She's the only person in my life
who literally the only person I know personally who gets
into Taylor Swift and loves her as much as I do,
and like we can really gush in a way that

(28:12):
is next level. So we had a really good time
doing that and we recorded for like two hours. We
had some technical issues, but it was a full two
hour thing that cut down to probably an hour and
a half and we're not even done. We're not even
close to being done. So there will be multiple episodes
of that. So that's exciting.

Speaker 4 (28:27):
And this just focusing solely on the new album.

Speaker 2 (28:30):
Yes, I mean we at the top we talked about
like you know, we just kind of introed our backgrounds
and how we feel about her and being fans and
you know, what's it like, and but it's it was
really really fun and there were so many it was
just fun to analyze her lyrics because we were going
through like song by song and we just started discovering
things that we hadn't noticed yet, and it was just

(28:50):
it was just fun. I'm in a really sweet spot
with this album. I'm like, it's just like I all
I want to do is be alone with it. I
don't really want to talk to people. I'm like headphones
in constantly, like I'm I'm gooning out to this out
like I'm it feels sexual. Did I say this yesterday
on the podcast? I like, honestly the other night I

(29:11):
did I tell about how I feel like I have
a crush?

Speaker 1 (29:13):
No?

Speaker 2 (29:14):
No, okay, So the other night we were leaving a
show and like you know, when you like are flirting
with someone on text, like it's just started where you're
like you like someone and you like feel like, oh
my god, I have to go to work and stuff
you do your life, but then you can't wait to
get back to your phone and go home so you
can just like be on your phone and like text
them and be like ooh, like I don't know, flirty,
and I think it's maybe more of a girl thing.

(29:35):
But I think we've all experienced this. Yeah, you recall,
and so do I. But I don't have that in
my life anymore because I'm in a relationship. So it's
not like, you know, Chris and I don't like text
each other constantly, and I don't look at the bubbles
waiting for them to pop up, like what's he gonna say,
like that feeling of anticipation. So it's been a while
since i'd like felt that, because that's what a relationship

(29:55):
is like that shit goes away Limerens as I've talked
about before, but and I think I talked to this.
This is where I talked about it on the podcast.
So I'm sorry. If you are going to hear this again,
you can zip past it when you hear it on
the Taylor episode. But the other night, I was like
so excited to leave the show because I was like,
I get to go text this. But like I had
that texting a boy feeling of like I have a

(30:16):
new crush, and I was like, why am I feeling?
And then I was like assessing my life. I'm like,
I don't have any what's going on? And I was like,
oh my god, it's this album. Like I feel like
I have a crush on this album and that I
get to like intimately like get to know it and
have it get to know me, and I'm developing a
relationship and it's just it's crazy that that feeling. I've

(30:36):
never had that feeling in any other context, but it
is giving me that. And then last night I saw
I saw Trevor Wallace at a show and he was like,
uh so this is a big week right with the album.
How's it going for you? And I thought he was
talking about like my special, because I mean, why would

(30:56):
a comedian ask me about Taylor Swift. I just I
don't never talk.

Speaker 4 (30:59):
To about her on the pulse.

Speaker 2 (31:01):
Yeah, he has his finger on the pulse and he's away,
he watches my story. He's like, we're friends. He's aware
of my obsession. But I didn't even think of that.
And I go, oh, like my special and he goes, oh, no,
I mean that's a big deal too, and I'm like, no,
it's not like no, no, I believe me. I don't
want to talk about that at all. Of course I was.
I was like, yeah, it's huge, and I got to
talk about it. I got talked about it a lot.
I like usually just go do my set at the

(31:22):
store and then I leave because I just need to
get sleep. But then I after I got off stage,
people were there were some girls in there that wanted
to talk about the album. And I stayed for like
an hour and hour plus afterwards just talking about Taylor
Swift and stuff. It was so fun. It's it's Anya
sometimes sees me talking about it with people, and she

(31:45):
just you can just tell because it'll be backstage and
it'll be like a comedian's you know who's on the show.
His girlfriend comes backstage and suddenly I have someone to
really gush about it with and you can just see
that she's like, I've never seen this side of her,
like it just it just lights me up, and no
other way. It's really great. It's a great part of
my life. It's the I think it's the best part
of my life. And I have a lot of good

(32:05):
things going on, but I think being as swiftye is
the best thing in my life. And someone compared it
the other day to like, I don't have kids and
I don't want kids, and oh it was Natasha Lazero
and Mosh's podcast, and we were talking about me not
wanting kids, and I'm like, I kind of like have
joy in my life from this thing that like I did,

(32:28):
not that it's the same joy at all, not even close.
I would never compare it to like whatever's going on
in your parent's brain when your kid hugs you or
like rests its head on your shoulder, whatever kids do
once every nine months, that makes it worth it. But
because let's be honest, most of it sucks. You're just yes,

(32:50):
And then there's sometimes where they do something very very cute,
and those times are always highlighted on Instagram for women
like me, who go, oh, you're missing out because this
little girl goes, ah staba bee is stab babe, and
she goes, what do you want? And she takes her
SUCKI out and she goes and she goes a strawberry

(33:10):
and she goes yes, and it's the cutest thing you've
ever seen. And like, literally that clip I said it
to the girls chat. It's like it made us all
like ache for a child, but that is not the reality.
That is a very small time. It's like yes, yes,
and like scream like it's not that at all. And

(33:32):
it's throwing the strawberry and then smearing it on the
white couch that you bought before you thought you were
gonna have kids. Yes, it's getting and then you just
don't even care because your couch looks like shit anyway,
because kids are just disgusting and this isn't turning into
a kid.

Speaker 4 (33:47):
And they go, do you want to go to the
Rangers game?

Speaker 3 (33:50):
No?

Speaker 2 (33:50):
Your friends don't call you. No, your friends don't call you.
That's not a thing that happens. Women with kids, you
know who you know, who you are, You don't get
asked to do things anymore because you never it can go.
You never can go. You can never get a babysitter.
What happened? What happened to babysitters? I babysat all the
fucking time in high school and middle school even and

(34:12):
as a twenty something, all the time, I was nanny
all this every Friday and Saturday night. I could that. No,
people don't. I have so many friends with kids. People
don't trust. It's this fear again that we're talking about,
the boomer fear. But it's not boomers anymore. It's like
people don't trust other people with their kids anymore. Ever,
And listen, I'm a big proponent of like, don't trust
men with your kids, but a female babysitter, come on,

(34:35):
go have a night out. You you deserve it. But
people convince themselves, including people in my family. I mean,
my sister has three kids and they have never once
had a sitter never. They have my parents and his parents,
but that's all they have, and they had me one
night in seven years.

Speaker 1 (34:53):
If you have the grandparents, then that's like a really
quality sitter. Why would you.

Speaker 2 (34:58):
You'll pay the grandparents and the grandparents end up resenting it. No,
Like I'm sorry, it's just true, Like the grandparents will
always say yes because they love the grandkids so much,
just as much as you love your kids. But it's
you gotta pay the grandparents. I would never ever have
kids and not pay my parents to watch them if
they watch them, But that's just me. I just can't

(35:20):
imagine being like, here's a gift for you to take
care of these three kids that you don't even have
the bodily function to provide for them anymore, because you're
all sixty five seventy years old. So here's a bunch
of toddlers that you could never bear yourself because your
body is incapable of raising them. Thus you shouldn't be
watching kids. Like I just don't understand. I know I'm

(35:41):
gonna get backlash from parents off like it's hard to
find a babysitter. It couldn't be easier. There are so
many apps. I like, I yeah, I wrote because I
was just wanting my sister to find a babysitter that
I was like, I'll pay for it, right, Like you
need to stop asking Mom and dad, not that they
don't enjoy it, and they'll always say yes, but like

(36:02):
it's they like their free time too write and you
just need to have a back up. And I asked
my assistant to go find babysitters in Saint Louis that
aren't men, and there were tons, and we sent them
all to my sister to choose one, and I was
gonna pay for it, and she still wouldn't choose it.
So it's like, it's not it's not because of the cost.

(36:23):
It's not because there's not places to find them. And
I do know from people that have come to my
shows and said we couldn't get a babysitter, Like it
is hard to find a good babysitter and whether you're trust.

Speaker 1 (36:32):
They're trying to hit your kid with a pencil or
something like they saw on deadline.

Speaker 2 (36:35):
But there's but there's so many apps and reviews and
stuff now, like you used to just have to trust
whatever person was living next to you and their daughter
who was probably a drug addict and was going to
have her boyfriend over while your kids slept, hopefully your
kid was sleeping, you know what I mean, Like that's
that's was the reality.

Speaker 4 (36:53):
You know, what you can do?

Speaker 1 (36:54):
You hire two babysitters one so they watch each other.

Speaker 2 (36:58):
No, people don't have enough money for that. You're that's
a good point. I used to always babysit with my friends.
That was the most fun because then you had like
someone to interact with with the kid like it was
more fun. And then we'd split the money. But yeah,
people just don't have the money for babysitters. But I
would argue, then, don't have kids. But then people want
kids and they go, well, I'm not gonna not have
kids because I can't afford a babysitter. But this is

(37:18):
the world we live in where things are so expensive,
like you gotta cut, you can't do everything you want
to do. But I just don't. I. I guess, besties,
if you could write me less than five sentences about
why there's a what's a dirge? What's the what's opposite
of us? Uh? Like too many a deficit? But there's
another word of babysitters? And why you guys don't get babysitters?

(37:44):
What does dirge mean? I think it's like a sad song.

Speaker 1 (37:48):
There's a dirge of babysitters out there.

Speaker 2 (37:50):
And a lament for the dead. Okay, so yeah, a
mournful song. Okay, I got to write on the second.

Speaker 1 (37:54):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (37:55):
But there's a dirge of babysitters.

Speaker 4 (37:57):
There's a bard don't get it. Yeah, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
I have a lot of they're all out there too,
and it's sad. It's a real problem in America. There's
all these babysitters lining up outside home depot and they're
begging to babysit and no one's hiring them.

Speaker 2 (38:13):
People and do your part. No it No, people just don't.
This is the thing. This is what I really think
it is. And this is someone who hasn't really No,
I'm not I'm not in the what's it called?

Speaker 1 (38:25):
God?

Speaker 2 (38:25):
Why can't I think today? I'm not in the battlefield.
I'm not on the ground experiencing this myself. So these
are all just speculations.

Speaker 1 (38:32):
We have no idea what we're talking about.

Speaker 2 (38:33):
Here's the thing. I think people don't get babysitters because
they don't want to do anything. Oh, they don't want
to go out. They have kids because they're they don't
want to go out.

Speaker 4 (38:44):
And and when you have kids, I ever heard having kids?

Speaker 2 (38:48):
It's I mean that's why people get They have dogs
and stuff, they go I got to take my dog
out I mean, Mike McLintock on Veep invented a dog
so we'd have a reason to go home. It was
like a bake dog. But people do I think people
I don't think they initially do it like they have
kids because so I don't have to go out. But
once you have kids, you're so exhausted your body. If
you've already had a baby, you don't feel good in

(39:09):
your body because it's your child's especially if you're breastfeeding
and you've just gone through labor and been cut open.
You don't feel good about putting on like real clothes
and like going out, and you want an excuse not
to and so now you have one built in, and
so it's just it feeds. It starts the urge to
stay inside and not go out because you don't feels
good about yourself. You don't feel connected to the world.

(39:30):
You've been watching just like Bluey all day. You don't
even have anything to talk about with people. You don't
and you don't really relate to your friends that don't
have kids anymore. So you just say, we can't get
a babysitter, but you are fine, and I'm.

Speaker 4 (39:43):
But I can bring my kid. I can bring my
kid and you go, no, yeah, we don't know.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
I do think I will give parents credit that they
know no one likes their kid as much as they do. Oh,
I think most people I feel.

Speaker 1 (39:55):
About don't really yeah, and I've seen them like it.
Just then, like the airport, like there was a kid
walking across all of the seats and like, but you
know how like the seats are back facing each other,
so you have one on either side of the l
there was a I was sitting down and on the
other side there was a Yeah, at the gate there
was a kid just like running up and down the
seats and he like smacked me in the head twice.

(40:16):
And I had to turn around and like look at
the parent, like, can you like tell your kid not
to like smack strangers in the back of their.

Speaker 2 (40:24):
Dying for an interaction like this, I'm that's all I
want to do is confront a parent about like and
I know, and I know it's exhausting, and I know
I'd probably do the same thing, but you signed up
for it, so you have to, like, did you see
I can complain all day about getting my nails done
and getting tans, but I signed up for this so
I can complain, but I really I don't need to
make other people suffer because of it, even though you

(40:46):
had to listen to my story about it. Did I
see what the Curb?

Speaker 4 (40:49):
The last season The Curb, the last episode of The Curb?
Oh my god, what happens on it?

Speaker 1 (40:52):
I mean moment in this in the series for now,
it's the final episode ever where Larry where Larry David's
in a hotel and he walks in and then some
lady's kid comes up to Larry and does something rude.
I forgot exactly what it was. And Larry just says hey,
and then he starts to walk away, but the parent says,

(41:12):
that wasn't nice. I want you to apologize to this man.
Apologize this man, thank you. And then Larry's like, that's okay.
He doesn't need to do anything, no, no, no, he
needs to learn this lesson. It's important. And so now
she's keeping him hostage and he goes and he goes
to the kid. He leans down and he says, listen,
I gotta tell you something. I'm eighty two years old

(41:34):
and never once in my life have I ever learned
a lesson. And the mom's like, how dare you say
that to me? And he walks away, and I just
love that. We've talked about it on the show before,
where it's like it's not our job to teach your
children life lessons.

Speaker 2 (41:50):
No, I don't want to be a part of it. No.
It reminds me of the joke from I think It's
Adam Sandler where there's like some baby that's in the
mom's like say hi, and the baby's just like and
he's like say hi to Adam, say hi, and Adam
just has to like wait for this baby to say
the thing that the mom's like, he can say it,

(42:10):
I swear, And I was like, I really don't care.
And then the baby's like, hai, hate my life, save me?
Like the baby heads up, like begging to get away
from this woman. It's so funny, hilarious, but I keep
my feet. Is so many baby things and like child
development stuff that I just forward onto Noah and my

(42:31):
other friends who are having babies, and now I got him.
It has to stop. I don't want any more baby stuff.
I'm so sick of it. But I can't help but
like send the stuff that does come up that so
I have to like figure out how to fix the algorithno.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
Their account a baby account where you can forward thanks
to your friends.

Speaker 2 (42:47):
Yeah, maybe it's some of that's very fascinating, like to
get a baby to talk and to say what you
wanted to say you need to instead of being like
the wheel is on the like I guess, like say
say Nikki, say Nikki like my They're always trying to
get the babies to say Niki because they, you know,
everyone in my family knows that we're all narcissis. When

(43:07):
a baby says our name or like likes us, we're like,
now we like the baby. So they're trying to get
him to be he's like kihi or whatever, and he
says but sometimes they just are obstinate and they're like,
I'm not gonna say that. And so most kids are
just like they feel put on the spot when you're
like say it and then everyone waits. You're supposed to
go like we can't wait to see Nikki, we can't
wait to see Nikki. We can't wait to see and

(43:31):
then they go Nikki. They fill it in when it's
not like do it you create a song or like
a little chant and if you want your kid to
say stuff, so try that out with your babies if
you have them. I'm sure you're not listening anymore if
you do have them, because you're like, I don't need
to hear this shit from her.

Speaker 1 (43:46):
But no tricking kids. So I really like that that.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
Yeah, I like the little device. And you're supposed to
I send this to Noah too. When your kid is
like struggling to like button their shirt or something thing,
or zip their jacket or ty their shoe, don't do
it for them. You're like supposed to like teach them
so that they teach they learn patience to do something
hard and work through it. Sure, you're not supposed to
monitor them and go like, now do this. You just

(44:12):
like let them fucking fail. But who has the patience
for that? You gotta go, You gotta get to the
ice skating lesson or where of the fuck you're headed too,
you know, like no one has the patience for that shit?

Speaker 1 (44:21):
Why not again? Yeah, I just it's there was a controversy.
Did you see this Arge Barker controversy? No?

Speaker 2 (44:30):
I love Arge Barker.

Speaker 1 (44:31):
What happened Arge Barker? The King of Australia? The King?

Speaker 4 (44:34):
Yeah, the King comedy in Australia.

Speaker 2 (44:35):
He was in She he's an American who just really
took off in Australia as a comedian, and I think
he moved there.

Speaker 1 (44:40):
Yeah. Yeah, So he was doing a show in Australia
and there was a controversy because there was a woman
in around the front row who had a baby with
her at the show, even though it's fifteen years and older.
But for some reason, they let this woman take her baby.
And she had the baby with her and the baby
started talking during the set, and at first he was like,

(45:04):
did some like funny retort to the baby talking, And
then to get the baby to stop talking, she started
breastfeeding the baby, which did get him to stop talking
for a little while, and then like ten minutes into
the set he's talking again. So then Arge Barker says,
I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave. He was

(45:25):
thinking about, you know, late after I would have Yeah,
He's like, you can't have a talking baby in here
the whole time. I mean, it's going to ruin the
show for everybody else, and he asked them to leave.
And this cook created a huge controversy in Australia. There
was articles written about it.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
What Why, Well, anyone think it's appropriate to bring a
baby to a comedy show? Why? Yeah, well who is
defending this woman?

Speaker 1 (45:49):
They tied it to the breastfeeding, specifically, they got they
got really fixated on the.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
Breast No, we liked that the baby shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 (45:56):
Yeah, And Arge even said, just FYI, I support breastfeeding
and public I think it's a necessity. That's not why
I asked them to leave. But everyone was like, you're
anti breastfeeding, Arge, You're a misogynist. And then he's like, no,
I didn't mind the breastfeeding. It was the interrupting of
the set from the baby talking in a show that
is fifteen and older. So I'm assuming you're on the

(46:18):
side of Arge.

Speaker 2 (46:19):
Of course I am. This is insane to bring your Like,
I think it's insane to bring your baby to a restaurant.
I think it's I'm gonna go out and say, I
think baby's on planes. Your baby doesn't need to travel.
I really, and I'm not being funny. I'm not trying
to be funny. No one needs to see your baby
across the country. If they need to see it that desperately,

(46:41):
they should fly to you. And I understand what if
they're in a wheelchair and that they're about to die,
they're in hospice care. They don't need to see. They've
seen babies. Your baby's no doubt, Like and I know
you want that picture in that moment where they meet
the grandfather that they'll never there.

Speaker 1 (46:54):
Grandmother on her deathbed in California and she says, says,
my dying wish.

Speaker 2 (46:58):
Not important enough that it's your FaceTime. I'm sorry, Like
life is, you don't get to do everything you want
in life. You didn't. This didn't plan out for you
the way it was supposed to your baby, Like I
think the same with like dogs on planes, Like I
had to move my dogs to New York, and so
we had to do that cross country flight. That was
that's that's inhumane, it's not right, Like you you shouldn't.

(47:19):
It wasn't a problem, like I wasn't distracting with the dogs,
but it just wasn't fair to the dogs. And I'll
never do that again, Like I made that mistake, And
if I had a baby, I would never I don't
think I could ever fly fly I would want to
say ever, but I would avoid it so much unless
it was trained to unless it was mute or something.
I just couldn't handle the baby never. But I just
don't think that babies need to travel.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
What if the baby really wants to.

Speaker 4 (47:43):
Go to France, that's the thing.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
Your baby's not gonna remember. And I know that doesn't
like Neighborgatcay as a joke of like, just because the
kid's not gonna remember, you just like shove them in
a closet and just got knock on the closet when
you start remembering things like you do have to give
your child experience and says. But when I see babies,
I'm just like this. I saw a baby, I said.
My sister and I saw a newborn baby at a
Cardinals game. And it was so loud and so.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
Like you know, being in a Cardinals game. I mean
everyone's yelling anyway. The baby is almost like a it's
too much.

Speaker 2 (48:16):
It was a it was a fresh out of the slammer.

Speaker 1 (48:18):
It was.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
This baby was like right like newborn. And my sister
and I were like so disgusted. It should have headphones on,
it should have like ear things for it's like fragile ears,
I think. But no, I want to say, I want
to pull this back a little bit. I do think that,
you know, sometimes you do just have to travel and
you got to bring the baby because let's say your

(48:39):
mom is dying, you want to go see your mom,
you can't find a sitter. Again, I would I would
argue that you need to be in a situation where
you can afford a sitter if you want to have kids.
But that's also not fair because everyone should be able
to have kids. But I actually don't believe that. I
think that it's cost prohibitive to some people, and that
sucks because but you know what so is owning a
yacht like that's but that's got some people can't We'll
never get to own a yacht. But aren't like I

(49:00):
have a right to own a yacht. You just don't
get to own one because you can't afford one, like
it's is that? Is that crazy? Is that like eugen
X or something? What am I am? I getting into
some shade territory of like.

Speaker 1 (49:10):
This whole episode we've been somehow racist. I don't know
what we're I think everything we've said has been problematic.

Speaker 2 (49:18):
It's absolutely I'll admit I have no idea what I'm
talking about. I don't know anything about economics. I just
know that I don't do things I can't afford, like
I just don't. I never have I And and maybe
that's me speaking from privilege, because I also have the
Brian Frangie support of my parents that I could always

(49:38):
fall back on. So maybe that's but I don't understand
doing something and then going like it's, oh my god,
kids are so expensive. It's and we're just scraping by.
You don't get to have kids then, and I'm sorry,
it's like life isn't fair, Like it just isn't.

Speaker 4 (49:56):
And and but I do.

Speaker 2 (49:58):
I do think that that's sad that people can't just
have kids with a middle there's no middle class, and
there's no like you can't just work it subway and
have a family or and have your husband being a mechanic.
You just can't do. I mean, you can have kids,
but you're gonna have to pretend you don't have a phone. Yeah,
I mean when you go in for stamps. But yeah,

(50:19):
I guess everything we're saying is I want to get
ahead of it and say we know. Yeah, I'm just
trying to work through it.

Speaker 1 (50:25):
But but I agree with you. I don't think children
should be allowed in public. I think maybe once they
turned off like, no, I think it's not right.

Speaker 2 (50:32):
We were kids once, like do you remember being a
kid and hearing about people hating kids? And I was
always like why do you hate kids? Like you were
a kid once, like shut up, I can't help that.
I'm a kid. So I don't hate kids. No, No,
I just don't. I think I just resent the naivete
of parents getting into it and then being like it's
so hard.

Speaker 1 (50:53):
Oh, and it's like there should just be separate Everyone
said this before, there should be separate amenities for children everywhere.
Like I hate going to a hotel and the pool.
You want to sit by the pool or something, and
then there's kids everywhere.

Speaker 2 (51:07):
I don't mind that.

Speaker 1 (51:08):
I hate going to I hate going to the daycare
and there's a bunch of kids there using the slide,
and it's like what about it.

Speaker 2 (51:15):
Don't think people need to see babies, Like when you
get if your grandma is on her deathbed and literally
like about to die, get a baby. When you get
into town, find someone who has a baby, borrow it,
bring it to grandma. Never know the difference, and your
baby won't know the difference. Either just tell your baby
that they met Grandma. Yeah, they don't know. But I
see babies on planes and I'm just like, why does

(51:36):
this baby have to travel? There were two kids in
first class with me yesterday, two young kids that shield
their own seat.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
That was that's in the front. You take some good
military veterans or something poor woman in the back and
you put them in that seat.

Speaker 2 (51:50):
You should be ashamed of yourself if you're a parent,
But buying your kid a first US seat, even if
you truly be ashamed of yourself, and I'm talking about
kid that doesn't need to be with you. If your
kid is just watching an iPad the whole flight, put
them in coach. No.

Speaker 1 (52:01):
I mean it's when they're fifteen and they're in first class,
I want to throw them off the plane.

Speaker 2 (52:07):
It's there were two yesterday that were under fifteen. They
were between I would say eight and fifteen, and they
were right in front of me, and their mom was
less to me, and I was like, oh my god.
But I will say, with all this being said, there
are amazing things about having kids that I will miss
out on as someone who's going to have them, probably,
And I acknowledge that, and.

Speaker 4 (52:29):
I we're just bitter that we don't have the joy
and love in our hearts.

Speaker 3 (52:33):
That you do.

Speaker 2 (52:35):
I mean, possibly, I'm thinking about getting a dog. I really,
I think I'm craving loving something and something depending on me,
even though I can't really even do that for myself.
But I hear that if you don't like yourself enough,
if you get something to love you, it will transfer.
I'm just kidding that doesn't work. But I've been wanting

(52:56):
a dog recently, and I saw one last night speaking
of people who were like, you're gonna love mine, and
you're like, no, I don't need this. Like Josh Adam Myers,
I did his show at the store and I got
there and he's like, I brought my dog. You know,
Josh sounds like this. He's like, I brought my dog
for you. I know you love dogs. And I was like, Josh,
I was like, oh okay, I'm trying to be more authentic.

(53:18):
So I didn't say like yes, you know. I was
just like, oh, right, like that's not lying. But I
was surprised that he did that. Yeah, and he goes
he's big. He's a big dog. He's a big boy.
But he's really sweet' and I'll love him. And I'm like,
I haven't even seen the green room yet. Him in
the hallway, and I'm just like, oh great, Like I
got here, I kind of want to hang out a
little bit before my set and go over my notes.

(53:40):
And now I'm gonna have to deal with a fucking
cute I'm over dogs being big and like their mouths
being really wet, and like them just going like and
like messing up, like getting it on my jeans, just
like a snotty nose, even though your dog is cute,
like and I'm sick of tails being really taut and
like slapping and the things like. I don't really like

(54:02):
big dogs anymore. So they didn't do anything wrong. I
don't think they should be put down. I'm glad you
have them. I'm glad you love them. I grew up
with big dogs. My parents had a big dog into like,
we've had big dogs my whole life. They're just I
don't if they're not mine, I don't really care for it.
I think they stink. I think they're just they're and
they're just they're too big, you know, And I just
I don't like how they don't understand their strength and

(54:22):
their paws like and they always jump up and the
person's always like, oh, don't jump up, and I'm like,
don't act surprise. This dog is jumping up right now.
It always does, like to save me that. So I
get in the green room and I walk in and
this is a Doberman, a gigantic, gigantic Doberman, and he
is so sweet. He is like a statue of a

(54:43):
dog that would be like, you know, gargoyle style. Just
he's poised. His mouth will not open, which I love
dogs who aren't just like like just like drooling, Like
I don't have to see his teeth that have like
that that you know, the brown on it. And his
tongue isn't hanging out. There's no foam or anything. I
don't know why I've been hanging out with a lot
of rabbit dogs. He just keeps his mouth shut. He's stoic,

(55:07):
he is in control of himself. He is and he
doesn't bother me because he can tell that I'm just
kind of like, I'm not in the mood. So he's
like reading my body language, I'm reading his. And then
I'm like a little bit interested because this dog is
so calm, and I instantly am like, Josh, oh my god.
I was like not looking forward to being around this dog.
But I love this dog. He's so sweet. Look at him.
He's just like standing there and he's not like so

(55:27):
obedient that he's not fun. He's just like chill, right.
And then he came over and just like kind of
got close to me, and I was like, come here,
and I like petted him, and he was so clean
and his hair was like short and not dusty and musty,
and he put his hand, he put his head, set
his heavy head on my knee, and then I was
allowed to kiss his face and I started kissing and
it was a magical experience. And I told Josh, I'm like,

(55:50):
I really prejudge this dog. I thought this was gonna suck,
especially when you told me he was gonna be big,
like I just didn't want to. And he was like,
but you do all those shows and take the lists
for dogs, right, like I thought you love dogs. I
was like, I do dogs, but like not all like
they're too rambunctious a lot of times. But I really
loved this dog. And I was like, I think I
think I'm ready, but it's I have to have a mouth. Yeah,

(56:11):
it was really well trained.

Speaker 3 (56:12):
Ye.

Speaker 2 (56:12):
He got it when he was sober, like after he
had been sober from uh. I think he's open about it,
but whatever he was, he was sober from you know,
hard drugs, and and he got this dog to like
celebrate it and to project to others like I'm in
Like he still like dresses like a rock and roll
guy and kind of lives the rock and roll lifestyle.
But he wanted to, like I guess, project to the

(56:33):
world that he was in control of himself and like
had things going on. So he wanted to really train
this dog and have a dog that like reflected how
he felt about his sobriety and about like his life.
So this dog is just so poised and in control
and like calm, and I just loved it. But people,
you got to get your dogs under control. You got
like this whole thing of like he never does this,

(56:55):
yes he does, he read. I don't know. I don't
know how to do it because some dogs are just
too too out of control. But I when you see
it done right, you're like, man, dogs can be so good.
Your dog Jack is so good.

Speaker 1 (57:10):
Yeah, well Jacks will chill these days. But maybe that's
also true of kids. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:14):
Absolutely, there's some kids that are just so well behaved
that just like stay on their iPads and they don't
look up and they don't talk to them sick, but
they just you know, they're like polite. Oh my god.
Yesterday at the airport, I like walked past this kid
who was kind of in the way, and I kind
of clipped itim. I didn't mean to, but we kind
of bumped and he goes, oh, excuse me, and I.

Speaker 1 (57:33):
Was like, oh, oh my god, I.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
Just said excuse me, I'm sorry. I think he said
I'm sorry, and I go, no, I'm sorry. That's so sweet,
and and everything was right with the world. Probably it
is possible to have your kid do that.

Speaker 1 (57:49):
It is possible.

Speaker 2 (57:50):
And I'm and I'm also gonna say we have to
go to break. But I'm also gonna say that if
your kid isn't like that, you're not a bad parent.
It's sometimes you get you just get a kid that
will not, you know, no matter how good the parenting is.
And that's the risk of being a parent, is that
you think, like there's a part of me that thinks, oh,
my kid would be awesome, My bid kid would be
a little Taylor Swift. I would train a little girl
to be polite and sweet, even into her you know,

(58:12):
all encompassing global fame that I would, you know, train
her to be and she would love her life and
be still nice to people. But it doesn't parenting Taylor
Swift a very small percentage of kid.

Speaker 1 (58:24):
There was some point where she went, I want a strawberry.
I bet yes, everything. No, I don't know, you don't know.

Speaker 2 (58:31):
I think she was she just like was like a
lovely child that was just like grateful and soft spoken.
But no, they all do. They all are a loud
and I was a terror. I would not wish me
as a kid on parent I was such a brat.
We just got a bunch of videos, digitized home videos
and wolf Man, it is rough to see like what

(58:52):
I was like. There is one clip that is very
telling and I'm at a swim meet and I've just
placed I think second, and my cousin and is doing
like a sideline report, like a funny thing of like
how do you think the race went? And I go,
if I'm not number one, I don't want to talk
about it. Wow, I go, I'm not interested in being
anything except number one, which I don't really relate to

(59:13):
now because I you know, there's Ali Wong, She's getting
one hundred fifty dollars for audio. There's people that are
way more famous than me that I'm not, like really
upset that I'm not her. But that was an early
indication that like perfectionism was coming out that would never cease. Sure,
but it was just so funny to see me like
joking and being like, I'm but I wasn't even joking.
I was just like, we're not talking about number two

(59:35):
like I have. That's the thing about me. I have
no interest in talking about if I don't think a
show went well and someone's like, no, it was really good,
and I'm like, but compared to what I'm comparing it to,
it was bad. I know that I'm good compared to
these people that you're maybe thinking about, but I'm comparing
myself to the to number one, and it was bad
compared to that because it just, like you, that's what
I'm always gonna do, and it's so unhealthy and I

(59:56):
don't know if.

Speaker 1 (59:59):
Yeah, compared it to a big pile of shit saying.

Speaker 2 (01:00:03):
And that's why I was telling these girls yesterday when
we were talking about our looks and struggling with aging,
and there was one woman in this in this green room.
She was so sweet, but she told me that she's
never ever liked a picture of herself in her whole life.
She's never once seen a picture of herself where she's like,
I like myself. She was like, I don't look. She goes,
how long does it take for you to look at
a picture after you get a photo shoot? And I say, oh,
probably like a week to two months, if like this

(01:00:26):
past December, I waited two months to look at pictures
because I just was feeling worse about myself. And she
said I never look at it. And she doesn't have
to because she's not like, you know, promoting stuff as much.
I don't think. But she was like, I never ever
look at things, and that made me so sad. I
was like, you should, You're beautiful, and she was like, no,
I'm not. And it was just it was almost like
me saying, you know, there's no such thing as climate change,

(01:00:49):
and she's just like, well that's not true. Like she
was just like, no, there's no argument to be had here.
At least I live a space for like I know,
compared to other people, I'm pretty, but I'm just stilling
ugly now, like I at least she was like, no,
there's no world, and I was like fuck. And she's
like forty two and a mom and stuff, and I
was just like, come on, girl, gives you perspective. But
then we were talking about how that's why I follow

(01:01:10):
women on a lot of people on Instagram that have
like goiters on their faces, or burn victims or women
that are just disfigured, because it makes it gives me
perspective if they're able to be happy and feel like
a lot of confidence, like can't I somehow figure it out?
But then Kendall Jenner shows up on the next slide

(01:01:31):
and I feel bad again, So we had to go
to break. I'll come back after this. Do you struggle
with self esteem issues?

Speaker 1 (01:01:40):
Me?

Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
No, the other person I'm doing a podcast with.

Speaker 4 (01:01:45):
Self ass that isn't here.

Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
Yeah. Self like in terms of looks, yeah, like do
you struggle with that of like, man, look at that person,
I wish I could look like them, or that's not
fair that I have this. I mean, I know, maybe
your health issues. You probably have a lot of I.

Speaker 1 (01:02:03):
Guess I don't have the looks thing. I used to
have it way more than I do now I now
that I'm a married man. I guess I just like
I've accepted that this is it for the rest, and
you know, I'm happy that I'm a man because like,
as I get older, I'll be still accepted the way
I look and I don't really have to do much
about it. But I don't really get low self esteem.

(01:02:24):
I get more like angry at the injustice when like
if other people have things that I feel like they don't,
just that I should have or whatever. I don't get
like down on myself about it. I get more like
angry and I go on tie raids. So I don't
know what that is, but it's certainly not it's like
high self esteem. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:02:44):
Yeah, I think I've noticed that in a lot of
people that people focus on why did this person get
this thing? They suck?

Speaker 1 (01:02:51):
Yeah, like they says low self should have low self esteem.

Speaker 2 (01:02:55):
I won't say that. I never feel that way about
people that get things, but it is very very rare.
I always just even if they suck, and I know
they suck, I just go well, because the market wants
things that suck because most people suck and they want
things that represent what they are, and so I kind
of argue, like, that's just I don't know. I feel

(01:03:17):
like and I always feel like they'll be figured out
as a fraud. It won't last forever because they don't
actually have talent, so it'll go away.

Speaker 1 (01:03:24):
Yeah. Yeah, I think what I have is accurate esteem.
I think when there's something I know that I'm good at,
I feel very confident. And when there's something that I
know I'm only okay at, Like, for example, I don't
feel comfortable yet playing piano in public. I don't think
I'll be good at it. Is that low self esteem
or is that just I'm accurately assessing my talent level here.

Speaker 2 (01:03:46):
I think that's accurate. And I feel the same way
when people are like we want you know, I play
guitar on Instagram Live, but I'm constantly telling people to
get out of here. If you think this is going
to be good, or if you think this is this
is just a practice session for me. This what you're witnessing. Like,
if I really thought I was good, I would go
on my own I have a million followers versus twenty

(01:04:07):
six thousand. I would do it on there, but like,
I please know that I I don't think I'm good
at this, but I think that sometimes I feel like, oh,
I'm Sometimes I have like a burst of confidence and
I'm like, yeah, you've got this, you are great, And
then I'm so embarrassed when the other shoe drops where
I kind of like get into that space of like,

(01:04:29):
oh my god, you were so you thought you were
like great at something, and I feel embarrassed that I
was like confident even if it was real, and now
those state I'm in is not real, the one that's
thinking I'm not talented. Yeah, I just feel like, oh,
and so sometimes when I feel that confidence kind of
surge happen, I'm like, it feels like I would think
the regret of coke head has after a night of

(01:04:51):
like beingly good. What's that like? You know coke heads
are really confident? You know, Yeah, it feels like that,
Like it feels like I'm like that kind of when
I get too confident. But you know what, people eat
it up. When you're confident.

Speaker 4 (01:05:04):
Well, that's the key to life.

Speaker 1 (01:05:05):
I mean, if you can you can be talentless and
if you can portray enough confidence, then you will succeed.
That's just the way it is people. Yes, it's it's
any It's a lot of people in positions of power.
A lot of gatekeepers I find have are missing something
confidence wise, and when they see other people with confidence,
it makes them feel confident, so they want to support

(01:05:28):
those people. When they see someone with low confidence, they
hate those people because they hate that about themselves.

Speaker 2 (01:05:33):
And so whoa.

Speaker 1 (01:05:35):
If you can excrude confidence, you will get all these
opportunities just because you're providing something outside of the skill
that you're actually supposed to be providing to the person
making the decision.

Speaker 2 (01:05:45):
WHOA, dude, That is so interesting that the gatekeepers are
because usually people who are gatekeeping are not creatives and
they want to be right. Yeah, like they feel.

Speaker 1 (01:05:57):
There's a reason they're not on camera on stage. Now
in our industry, there's a reason why they're not on
camera on stage, the reason why they could change eether.

Speaker 2 (01:06:05):
The way their life went, they would And I would
exclude some music producers, some you know, executives that really
just enjoy the business of it. There are some that
just have a passion for the business. But I would
say a lot of them would like if they could
change everything they'd like, they'd prefer to be performers and
since they can't, Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (01:06:23):
They just the amount of comedy managers who then, like
at one point did stand up or decide to quit
managing so that they can write like that happens all
the time.

Speaker 2 (01:06:33):
Okay, this is interesting. So if you just pretend to
be confident around those people, they want what they can't
they don't have. They want what they don't see, Like
they hate the things about themselves that they hate in
other people, as we all do.

Speaker 1 (01:06:46):
You'll provide them with the confidence that they lack by
being confident around them.

Speaker 2 (01:06:51):
Okay, I gotta start.

Speaker 1 (01:06:52):
They will admire that about you if you just come
in and you're just like, I am the best and
I know exactly what I'm doing.

Speaker 4 (01:06:59):
Yeah, I heard this cool.

Speaker 2 (01:07:01):
What was it the other day? It's like you think
doing something will bring you not good results, in the opposite.
I was watching one of those Heidipre videos and she
was talking about perfectionism and how when you are a perfectionist,
you go into situations and you don't feel like you're
gonna be perfect or you feel like you're gonna failure.
You're not doing enough, you go into a insecure kind
of like defensive mode, and it's really like and you

(01:07:27):
and you get validation from people that you're not perfect.
Because when you get in the defensive mode, like say,
I'm doing a show and I feel like I'm not
good enough, so I'll go into that show in the
second I don't because I'm feeling like I can't be
perfect at this, and I know I can't, and I'm like,
I'm not in the state to ever deliver on this.
I didn't work hard in my mind enough for on
this moment. I am going to be so insecure that

(01:07:47):
people are going to sense that insecurity. They're not it's
not even about what I'm doing. They're just going to
sense that I'm like defensive and weird, and they are
going to give me feedback that's like, we don't like this.
They're not giving feedback on the talent that you have,
or they're giving you feedback about your overall vibe of
being insecure, and so you interpret that feedback of them
being like I don't like this as them not liking

(01:08:09):
your talent. Oh, I'm not talented, I'm not good enough,
and so then you it's reinforced to you that, oh,
I'm not perfect. But what they're really reacting to is
the fact that you don't accept yourself. And that's what
I was talking about. This guy had a thing about
accepting yourself and that people think that if you accept
and this is not people, this is me too. If
you accept yourself, you're throwing in the towel. You're not
trying anymore, you're not striving to achieve. You're just like, oh,

(01:08:30):
I'm good enough. But the truth is that when you
are constantly in a state of like I need to
be better, you are constantly agitated, and you're constantly in
stress mode. You're constantly tense, and the only way the
only way to become better and actually improve is to
be in a relaxed state. So it's actually the opposite

(01:08:50):
of what people think that if you just accept yourself,
that is like defeat, admitting defeat. But the only way
to not admit defeat is to accept yourself. It's the
only way to actually improve, because if you are constantly
not an acceptance of yourself, you're always going to be
in a state of tension, and therefore you will never improve.
And I thought that was really interesting because I do
tend to think that when people say accept yourself, it

(01:09:12):
really it really bugs me because my mom final thought.
My mom used to say that when I would complain
about how ugly I was when I was a kid,
my mom would say, oh, just be happy with what
you have. She'd say, I'm sick of this shit. All
you talk about is how ugly you are, And I'd go,
why did you and dad have sex and make me?
You knew you were both have ugly people in your family, Like,

(01:09:34):
you knew the risk. I used to say, I was
like thirteen fourteen, you knew the risk. You got lucky
with Lauren, but you knew the risk because of like,
there's ugly genetics in your family and you're both attractive,
but you took a risk. And I came out and
you why did you do this to me? And my
mom would go, you are so weird. This is discuss
I don't want to hear this shit anymore. Nikki. You

(01:09:55):
be happy with what God gave you. And I used
to fucking hate that so oh much because it was
her admitting that I wasn't as pretty as I wanted
to be. It wasn't her saying no, you're beautiful, even
though I would not have been able to stand that
at all because I didn't feel beautiful, so no amount
of telling me. But her saying just accept what God
gave you. First of all was bullshit because my parents

(01:10:16):
are atheists, so I was like, what are you what
are you even talking about? And secondly it just felt like, yeah,
we know you're ugly, but it's good and just throwing
the towel. But I really like reframing it and thinking
of it. If you throw in the towel, if you
actually accept yourself, you actually will improve, you will become
you could become more perfect.

Speaker 1 (01:10:34):
Or whatever, all face so that nobody can see.

Speaker 2 (01:10:37):
Yeah, I just actually speaking of breastfeeding, there was this
meme of this woman that was like she got told
to cover up in public breastfeeding and so she just
has her tit out with her kid, but she has
a towel over her face. I really liked that. Okay,
we have to go, We're going to do an intrusive
thoughts episode. You can pick that up. If you are
a big money Player's Diamond member, that means you pay

(01:10:59):
a little extra per month and you get an extra
twenty minutes per month of content from me and Brian.
That is like us talking about things that we don't
like that we need to put a paywall behind, and
no check out that episode and no ads. Yeah that's true,
and you get no ads with the show itself, no
ads across the board. So it is the optimal way
to listen to the Nikki Blazer Podcast. I hope you
check that out.

Speaker 1 (01:11:19):
It's for free, but maybe yees today.

Speaker 2 (01:11:21):
Check out that Swift episode. It's coming up. I think
it'll be out soon if it's not already out. And
check out me on David Chang on Netflix. And we'll
see you next time on the nick K Glazer Podcast.
Don't be kid by e

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Nikki Glaser

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