#83 A Clenched Fist w/ Tom Scharpling

Between you and Nikki emotions are out of order and so was the taping of the show. Nikki and Andrew welcome Tom Scharpling who's life is currenly in a new book called: It Never Ends: A Memoir with Nice Memories! You Heard it Here First, tattoos on kids, the problem with having a large penis and Nikki has a theory about why Machine Gun Kelly shaved his head. In the Blankest Thing You've Ever done, Tom shares a humiliating story about talking to Patti Smith. In the Final Thought, Nikki and Andrew revisit the argument they had that was not mentioned earlier in this description and get to a good place.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nicky Nicky. Hey guys, welcome to the show. It's Wednesday.
It's the Nicky Glazer Podcast. Oh my god, what a
show we have for you today. Tom Sharpling, author of

(00:21):
It Never Ends, is on the show with us. He's
also a comedian, radio host, television writer. Um, we just
we just shot. We did the whole show. I'm I'm
doing this part last actually, and it's a good one.
Andrew and I just want to uh gear you up
for it. Andrew and I do get into a fight. Um,
as soon as I bring him in, you'll hear it.

(00:42):
It's coming up. Uh, stay till the end. Final thought.
By the time we get to the final thought, we
we cleared up. He just left to go the golf
course for eight hours today and he hugged me and
we said, I love you. So we're good. Now we're
better than ever. But um, if you are triggered by
people arguing needlessly, maybe uh skipped to when Tom comes

(01:05):
on because we we we forget about it for a mote.
Like of course, on the day we have a guest,
we are at each other's at each other's throat throats
as the guest is like in the waiting room. It
was so listen, this is this is the show you guys,
you know it. I am um. I wanted to tell
you all. My phone just shorted out last night. I

(01:27):
went on a run and um, for the first time
in so long. If I'm being honest with you guys,
I UM am no longer a pod at. I don't
smoke weed anymore as of a few days, and it
is my new reality. And I'm very excited about it.
But that's all I'll say. I am. I'm just done.

(01:49):
And that's not having any judgment for anyone who does
want to continue doing it. And I just I just
realized that my shame about it was not lifting. And
I wrote a bar bunch of I wrote all the
reasons I had to quit, and I couldn't stop. Like
there was I didn't even make it to the reasons
to keep smoking, because I the infinite reasons to quit.

(02:12):
We're just like, okay, the writings on the page, like
let's let's hang this up. So and I also kind
of was thinking about when I quit drinking. One of
my arguments was like, yeah, it was, it's so fun,
but you you had your fun. You had so much fun.
Drinking like that part is over, Like you know, you

(02:33):
you leave high school, and even if you leave high
like love high school, you have to leave. You just
go Okay, that was high school. I'm gonna miss it.
But that part of my life is done. And like
my weed smoking days are done. I had my fun,
I got what I needed from it, and onto the
next addiction. So uh, who knows what that'll be. I'm
gonna fill the whole show, um and you'll probably hear

(02:55):
me go through the stages of you know, just trying
to find something elson dealing with feelings. What I have
found is that when um, I haven't so it's been
a few days now without having any and um my,
you know what we did for me is like my anxieties,
it would just like mute them, mute my feelings, and

(03:17):
so I would feel my feelings a little bit, I
would let them out, but they would all I would
mute them as soon as they came out with weed,
and then they would be manageable. But now that I
don't have weed, I am not letting the feelings out.
I am walking around like a clenched fist. Like I
feel like a clenched fist, constantly. I can't cry. I
can't I can't let out anything because I'm just scared.

(03:38):
I can't come. I can't cry. And this has all
been since I've stopped smoking weed, and I'm like, why
can't I release anything? And it's like, okause I'm so
scared if I do, it won't stop. But um, but
I'm really excited about realizing all these things. None of
this is bad. But I am walking around like a
clenched fist um. And then, but oddly enough, when I

(03:58):
went on a run, because I went on a run
yesterday because I was like, I don't know, I just
felt like my lungs. I was like, oh, good, you're
purging your lungs of all the tar, and like, what's
it resin, Let's go for a run. It was so
hot outside, humid gross did a run? Felt good about it?
Was texting Carlisle about smoking or you know, quitting weed,

(04:20):
and all of a sudden, my phone started blinking the
screen and then it just went black and I was like, oh,
and it was still on. I could still like the
toggle on the side that makes it go to vibrate
or or silent um that was still moving and I
could I could still. I knew it was functioning, but
the screen was not being it was not tappable, and

(04:41):
it was cooked totally black. But the phone works. So
I'm pressing all the buttons trying to get it to work.
I'm actually like, you know what good this is. I
just don't want to be on my phone anymore tonight.
This is now. I can't even post to Instagram. This
is great. No, I just need a break. I was
able to text on my um computer and that was
it enough for me. So then I'm going to bed

(05:02):
last night, and that was a little rough because I
usually like curl up in the dark with my phone,
and instead I was reading Tom sharp Ling's book like
with the light on. And when you read books in bed,
like I have to keep switching because I don't read
like on my back like a person in a movie,
like a you know, like Meg Ryan and when Harry
met Sally. I'm not like perfectly stationed like with a book.

(05:24):
I like twist and turn. It's just hard to read
a book, uh in bed, a paper book, and um,
but I did it. I was like, this is like
old timey ship here. Um, I had a little gaslight. Uh,
call back Um, I had a man there who was
telling me the way I see things was different than
how I perceived them. Um. But anyway, I was reading

(05:46):
by the light of the light and uh, by the
light of the lamp, and all of a sudden I
started and this is like, you know, minutes, I'm in
the book, and I'm just like, wow, I'm really like
just a real normal person that's like non addictive to
her phone at all. And then I hear my phone,
so I hear voice, like a dim voice, and I'm like,
what the fuck? And I don't realize what's happened. Now

(06:09):
I realize what's happened because before, when I was toggling
with my phone, I pressed both buttons on the side
and it started doing that like siren noise that on
iPhones that can alert the cops, like if you hold
your phone wrong. But I always like I do that
probably once a day, accidentally holding my phone and I
just press X and then it's off. If you don't
press exit calls the cops. Right, I don't have any
way to press X. So it started calling the cops,

(06:33):
and it was it was going for minutes because it
had been a long time since I had done that.
So I I am hearing a voice. I listed the
voice and it says, thank you for calling the emergency services.
Your your call is very important to us. Please stay
on the line. An operator will be with you shortly.
And I'm like, oh my god, I fucking called nine
one one and it's calling and I can't hang up.

(06:53):
Pressing all the buttons, it's not hanging up, and I'm like,
I'm just gonna wait online on hold in bed and
till they pick up so I can tell them it
was an accident. Please don't send anyone. Well, guess what
you got, y'all. Twenty minutes go by and I am
on hold with nine one one. Has anyone heard of

(07:13):
anything this absurd? You call one there's an emergency. This
isn't I'm not calling Verizon or American Airlines to change
my flight. You don't get put on hold for nine
one one. And you know it was eleven o'clock at
night in St. Louis. I just I couldn't believe it.
It got to the point where I go, I have

(07:34):
to go to bed and I have to hang up,
but I don't know how because my phone will not
hang up. So then I realized that I had the
little thing on the side of my phone that we
realized Andrew didn't know about. Remember that knowing a little
thing that you put an earring in, you like put
a safety pin in the hole and pop out the
pin the the SIM card, and that was the only
way that I could get it to shut off. So
I took out the SIM card and it shut off.

(07:56):
But it's wild to me that you can be put
on hold for nine one one. And I had seen
it on the St. Louis Reddit that someone had said
our emergency service line as like is as a busy signal,
and I was just like, there's no way. They probably
call it the wrong one impressed. I don't know how
you sunk up nine one one, but there's no way
you get put on old twenty minutes. I could have

(08:16):
been bleeding to death or in a situation that I
needed rescuing and I would have been on hold. I
don't know what's going on there. It made me really
sad and actually very grateful that I wasn't actually in
an emergency. So I don't know who to call if
something actually bad happens to me. Maybe I should call
American Airlines because I do have status with them and
they get me through, or maybe one needs a little

(08:40):
thing where they go you are third in line and
we'll call you back, like maybe it needs that. Also,
I was thinking about when you actually set off the
alarm on your phone, you know the one that starts
going rear rear rear. It's so loud. And I was
thinking about when I've wanted to call nine one one
and be rescued, um because I could, I couldn't maybe

(09:03):
dial it, and I just I'm holding my phone. The
one time I can remember, I was in an uber
that I got into because their license plate checked out.
It was the same Uber that was on the app
that showed me, but the color of the car was
different than make of the car was different, and there
were two guys driving. When I got in, two guys
were driving, and there's a guy in the passenger seat.
I'm like, is there someone's shadowing and Uber? So I
get in and I go two guys and they're like, yeah,

(09:25):
I used my friend. I was just like, okay, I
shut the door. The locks on the door were sawed off.
I am now fucking panicking because there are two guys
that are not they are there. They don't look like
Uber drivers to me. They look like the car is
in a condition that a criminals car would be in.

(09:46):
Or Andrew Collins room, you know what I'm saying, Like,
it's not like Uber clean and and I'm saying Uber
as in the company, not like Super and it's not um,
it's just and So we're driving, and I remember they
were I was gonna know within I was texting with
Andrew saying, I'm in an Uber. I'm really scared. Here's

(10:06):
my location. It's two guys, it's a different color of car.
I don't know what's going on. I'm about to know.
If I get am I'm about to be raped and
murdered at this next turn. Either they make this turn
and go to where I want to go, or they're
gonna take me somewhere else. And they made the turn
into the salon that I was going to, and I
just was like, oh my god, thank God. But I
was thinking about maybe using that thing, you know, like

(10:28):
the emergency thing, and then I go. I wouldn't though,
because they would hear the emergency alarm going off and
know that I'm doing it. But they so I'm conflicted
as to what I should have done. In that moment.
That was the scariest moment of my fucking life. Like
when you determine that it's either going to be if
they turn right, you live, and if they keep going,
you're about to be raped. Like I don't know if

(10:50):
any other women out there have experienced that, where you
you go, oh my god, I'm about to be raped,
like you kind of like almost know it and maybe
you actually were. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. Um,
but I had that moment where I like kind of
I wrapped my head around it and I was like, Okay,
get through this, like do what you can get, like
fight for your life. And and thankfully I didn't need to.

(11:12):
But now I know that if even if I would
have called, I would have probably been put on hold.
It's really weird, and I don't know why that happened.
I just always assumed nine when one picks up right away, Um,
we got to get to the rest of the show.
Sorry to end on a weird note, but that that
just took me there. Who knows gear up for Andrew's
coming in and it's a doozy the call back to

(11:34):
a thing you haven't even heard yet Andrew. All right, Hey, Andrew,
I just sleep last night. Uh all right, well will
you think about that? Um, I'll just tell our listener that.
Um well, they already know because I'm going to tell
them at the top of the show. But uh, I

(11:56):
was running late obviously. Today we have a guest on
the show, Tom sharp Ling, who wrote a book that
I've read thirty pages of, which is pretty good for me, honestly. Yeah,
I'm on page thirty two and it's like an actually
the hardcover book. He did send me the digital copy

(12:16):
to which I usually read on my phone, but my phone,
as we know from the intro, which I'm gonna tell
you later because this is taped out of order. Uh
it went could put last night. I feel free. But
um yeah, he is. Uh, he's someone that I mean,
I'll tell him when he when he gets on the show.
Do you know who Tom Sharpling is? Unfortunately no, but
I did. I did some research I really liked. I'm

(12:37):
gonna get into it with him, um about like his
approach to this book because I'm actually weirdly enough, I'm
meeting with book people later today to help facilitate my
book because I can't do it on my own. And
I think that's just an important lesson to learn, is
like you want to do all these things alone, Like
you might have your whether it's a book, whether it's
like cleaning out your garage or you know, getting fit,

(13:01):
Like if you could do it alone, you would have
done it. You know, if you do a book for
the person that only wants to read fifty pages, you
know me, I can't keep it to just and and
if I do it, I'm gonna do like Moby Dick.
But then you do maybe do fifteen books but only
fifty pages of book. Yeah, I don't want to do

(13:21):
that because I never buy books that are fifty pages
because I'm like, this is seventeen bucks for fifty first, Like,
let's see how much of this book is, um, seven
dollars US. How much do you think it is Canadian? Uh?
Seven dollars of US. It's thirty dollars Canadian. And I
would say book prices were the first time you saw

(13:43):
Canadian prices and we're like, what's going on here? Remember
back in like middle did you ever pick up books
in middle school? Probably not? Did you do scholastic? I did?
I would remember wordly wise um, what's that? That's how
you learn vocabulary words, but book wise words words vocabulary

(14:06):
you really do struggle with the use. Yeah, do you
say said of the word? You do? You say? Oh?
What did I like? You said vocabulary? Okay? And how
do you say vocabulary? You know, like regular? Regular? So
I have silent? It might be I think it's regional

(14:26):
just to your mouth, it's a very small district in
Andrew's mouth. Do people say regular? And well, there's other
us regular vocabulary? Usually usually usually yeah, it's you vocab
But I said, yes VOCABU. What's that movie Ferris Bueller? Yeah,

(14:51):
you don't say Buller. It's usually when the use somewhere
in the middle there with an Allen and R. How
did you bus night? Did you figure it out? I
think I slept well. I guess that's why I didn't
really think about it, because I guess I slept through
the night. Oh you know what it was, I didn't
have any caffeine pass two changes to everything. I gotta
stop with. That's really interesting that you know that. And

(15:14):
what what drives you to? Well, you went to bed
at eight thirty? You go, okay, because I go, can
I play guitar out here, and you go, no, yeah,
I'm going to bed. And I was like, oh, and
I looked at the clock. It was eight thirty eight.
Didn't then you just going to bed for you means
watching money Heist until you fall asleep. Right. Well, I
mean you're playing guitar in the living room. What do
you want me to do? You can say, um, I

(15:36):
actually want to hang out here. Do you mind playing
in the other room? Well, I guess, but I mean
I think so now I'm I'm fucked if I go in.
I'm fucked if I say I can't. No, but you
could just hang out while I play. It's not like
it's not like that. No, but I'd rather watch my show.
I mean, no offense. It's like you don't want to
watch me swing a golf club. No, but I do

(15:57):
you know, well, it's not loud, No, I mean, it's
it's physically You've set up in the living room a
full on concert stage. Yeah, and I only play on
that concert stage when you're gone. But last night I
was like, oh, maybe I could just play a song
while least sitting here, because even for me, I know,
like I don't want you to ever feel pressured to
watch me. But like, if I ever can have like

(16:21):
someone there, it just makes me I need to start
doing zoom. Yeah, I just need to start doing zooms
with people, like just three people to just go in
the room and then I just perform for them. But
it just feels how fun would it be if you
get a drummer. If we're listening right now, our listeners,
we need a drummer a basis, a lead guitarist. I

(16:44):
don't have time for that stuff. I just want to
I don't have time to start a band, right, No, no,
no no, but you can do it all on zoom.
Just meet me at nine and let's jam. Well you
can't because there's a delay. You can't really make music
on zoom. Because you know what I do is I
just pull up on YouTube, you know, yeah, like you

(17:04):
just do. I always google search like what BP type
and Taylor Swift lover bpm beats per minute, and then
I put then I take that like okay, eighty seven
and then I type of eighty seven bpm drum and
then there's people that just have drum thing like that
will just like a slow groove, and then you can
have like a dramaccompanying you. It's pretty cool. Yeah, No,

(17:25):
I mean it's amazing what you can do with the internet.
Like if you're bad and the internet is available, you
kind of just aren't doing the research. I've noticed that
with like golf too. It's like it's all out there,
like if you want to learn something, you can learn
whatever to you was talking about you on the radio.
I talked, I talked about are the joke that we
wrote I wrote last night for you? Why do you

(17:47):
have to go to I from we? Because it started
out as we and then it just went to I
and then I just gave you the joke And why
what this is? So you're so rude? Sometimes it's unbelieved
of a b You think that's rude. I'm saying the
fact you've written jokes for me that I haven't to
go Oh it was I. It goes back to the

(18:08):
Funk when we were watching f Boy Island and I
have one thing where I think I have maybe one
line or one input would go to me and you
go to because I did write it. You did not
write It's in my notes. It's in my notes. It's
in my notes. Want to bet a million dollars. I
bet you anything. You were writing it down because I
said it, and I said that I wrote it with
fifteen other jokes. Nikki okay, okay, I think this is

(18:31):
a It's annoying to me when you do this. It's like,
why do It's just frustrating, Andrew, what's going on? Why
Because it's frustrating because I wasn't even gonna bring up
the other thing from the other day. But it's like,
you're to start the show, you're the producer to the show.
You you're you're the person on this show. And I
kind of laughed one time and you go, that's not yours,

(18:51):
that's mine. Well, and it's like this competitiveness, that's it's
not competitiveness, dude, it's I swear to god, it's just
because I thought I wrote that joke, and I'm just like,
I can't let him think that he wrote that joke.
I wrote that like I didn't. And then when I
said that, you go, oh yeah, and then you gave
me attitude for two hours afterwards. No, I didn't give
you add you didn't talk to me the rest of

(19:13):
the night. I honestly did not think about that moment
at all. For the rest of the night. It was
nothing to do with that. I swear to God, Dude,
I swear to God. I would admit I can be
very petty about this. Yes, But then why though, why
with me? Why are you so competitive with me? Like
dumb ship Andrew? Andrew, let me just let me just

(19:33):
present my side of it before we bring in our
guests to this toxic environment. I only am stubborn about
those things when I know that I wrote it, and
I just want credit when I wrote something, it's that's
a natural thing. Now, if I'm wrong, that's another thing.
Sometimes I don't remember it correctly. But in my mind,
if I wrote it, I'm not just saying that. I'm
not never giving you a joke that if you wrote

(19:55):
a joke in my memory, you wrote it, I'll get
that to you. But if it but let's just say,
if I did write that joke, should I let you
just have it? I think that. Do you think I
would ever claim to write a joke? But I just
thought you were wrong, so I was correcting you. It
wasn't like, oh, you you're making this up right. I
didn't think you were making it up. I thought you
remembered it frustrating to me because it's like you're you're

(20:18):
literally the start a show. You're in both the credits,
we're watching the show, you're of the show, and one
time I go like that, and you couldn't even let
me have that without saying that's mine. Because so now
you go on a radio show and I go, hey,
Nikki can when we talk about a comedy bit for
a second, and you go, well, we it was I.
It was I. It was me. You hear how narcissistic

(20:41):
and horrible? That is no, because you don't. I don't
hear it. Because the truth is I did write that
joke for you last night. You came up with the
con I will say that you came up the concept
of I want to do a joke about how Brenna
thinks I'm cheating on her with golf and how she
would prefer me to be watching anything else than off
and then we took apart the joke, and then I

(21:03):
wrote the line that you're going to use yeah, And
I would love to say thank you, but I don't
like the idea of you going, well, actually it was me,
rather than oh, you can't like that's a different conversation.
Of Being. I would have gone back and presented the
entire thing if you wouldn't have spiraled out right there.
And it's okay because I understand that I can be
like this sometimes and it triggers you. You did it
on the radio, of Being. You didn't hear me on

(21:24):
the radio, Andrew. On the radio, you just came across. Andrew.
You didn't hear me on the radio. And if you did,
you would know that. I said it was your joke
that I helped you with. And then I said I
said the joke. I did not say that I wrote it.
I didn't say any of that. I said, we wrote
a joke, and then I told the joke. Okay, that's
right now though, because it is how it happened. Andrew,

(21:45):
what's wrong? I don't know. I just get frustrated. I
I hear you. We have to bring in a guest.
This isn't the time for this. Maybe he could help us.
I would actually love hisself. Let's get him. Let's bring
in Uh, the author of It Never Ends, a book
that I've read thirty two pages of. He is also Uh.

(22:06):
He's a television writer. He wrote on UM I think
the divorce that great show. I think that's where I
first met him in person. Uh. He is someone who
have known about for Yeah, what our whole argument? Oh? Um? No,
I think he was in the guest room. We didn't
hear us fighting. Uh. Tom Sharpling is uh comedian, writer,
television writer, um host of The Best Show, which is

(22:32):
a weekly call in radio show that's been running for
eighteen years? Now is it up to nineteen yet? Uh?
Please welcome to the show. The author of it never
ends a memoir with nice memories. Tom Sharpling, Hi, Tom, Hey,
how are you? I'm good? How are you you? You
look a little bit annoyed right now? Okay, you were

(22:54):
just holding your head like attention headache. And I was like,
did you just hear me and Andrew's fight right before
we writ you on? I wish I heard it? Oh
my god. It got really tense, and it was like
we got to bring in our guests. We have to
pretend like we get along. It's like when your parents
fight and they're like, oh, the kids coming in the room. No,
we didn't. Just your parents that stopped fighting when you

(23:14):
win in the room. Uh No, I I had to
leave the room. Parents. My parents didn't fight. They just
would just take care of things. And then have you
just realized, like, oh, I think people are mad at people.
You realized twenty years later, I think people were really
mad at each other. Oh wow, So they kept they

(23:38):
didn't have arguments in front of you ever. No, No,
they held it together. They're pretty solid with that. Yeah,
that's really impressive when I hear about that, I always
that takes a lot of strength to not to save
it for later and to keep it from your kids.
Like I remember my brother in law when he saw
our family for the first time. He was just like

(24:00):
you guys, just like fight right away right away, and
you just like you fight a lot and never witnessed
it growing up with his family. They just hit it.
And there's some good things and bad things about that.
Probably if you hold things in. Yes, we should have
held him in today a little bit. Tom sharpon Welcome
to the Show. Um, I met you in person one time.

(24:22):
I believe I was super intimidated when I met you
because I was a fan of the best show. And
I say was because I mean, I am I haven't
listened a while, because I don't listen to anything, but
you're still doing the show. Right. Yeah. I don't listen
to anybody's things either. I barely want to hear my
own things. I don't like hearing come out of my

(24:45):
own mouth. And that's enough anguish for the world. Isn't
it interesting that we have to promote things that we
wouldn't watch ourselves, Like I can't watch myself, do you do? You?
Are you able to read your own book? Yeah? I do,
I am. It's funny. I can listen to the sound
of my voice and I can read things I wrote.

(25:06):
I don't like looking at myself do things though? Why
is that? You think? Probably something to do with my face,
right right? And when you do interviews and they go
it's gonna be on camera, you have to you have
to be on zoom, like we're not going to put
this anywhere, so don't worry. But like, yeah, we can
see you. I'm fine with the way you look. But

(25:28):
I always do go like, can we just do zoom
with cameras off? Like do you need to see me?
And when I yeah. But the but the weird thing
is I don't have a problem when I was like
editing my special I can watch myself on mute. I
just don't want to hear the things coming out of
my face because I'm more, um, I get angrier at
myself for not being funny enough as opposed to not

(25:51):
looking the right way, even though I'm very insecure about
my looks as well. I don't. I don't know what
that is, do you human? In condition? I really related
to your struggle with the idea of writing a book
in uh in the beginning of your book, which I
whenever I attempt to write a book, I always have
to write about the fact that I'm writing a book,

(26:13):
and I'm like, oh, should I do this? But I
always enjoy when an author acknowledges what a struggle and
endeavor this is that they're about to do. You added
the fears of the book, being like you probably, I'm
guessing for a while you wanted to write a book,
and you knew you had a great book in you,
but you also don't want to try to do it

(26:34):
because what if you don't and then you know once
and for all that you did it, Like, oh my god, yeah, no,
I was very um. I built it up so much
in my mind where it's like, if I do this book,
or when I do a book, it's gonna have to
be the best book that's ever been written, because now
I'm in competition with every book that's ever been written.

(26:55):
And then you go to the bookstore and you look
around and you realize just the sheer all him a
garbage that is considered a book, and you're like, of
course I could write a book. To look at these
like Jason Alexander writing a kid's book and these things
that probably took an afternoon, and yes, and I'm just like,

(27:15):
and I'm not putting Jason out, I would write a
kid's book. Also, No, he's asking me to. But but
it's that kind of thing where it's like, it's like,
what am I so hung up on with this thing?
Just go do it? Just do it, and you can
always do another one if this one isn't good enough.
Like that you kind of rationalize that. But you did
say that Rob Kronkowski wrote a book, and that was

(27:38):
the final straw for you to be like, I can
do this, yes, because I I I'm pretty sure I
don't know how many books he's I don't know, he
might have written more books than he's read with with
that one, because I think the numbers one and put
that's up for a dispute, and who knows that he

(27:59):
wrote that one? To be honest, he might have looked
at that and said, I did, and someone made it.
He had a ghostwriter, but only because that writer is
now a ghost that he worked with because he died. Uh. Um, well,

(28:20):
I wanted to say that I did begin your book.
I'm on page thirty three. Um. I'm reading the hard
copy of it, which you graciously sent to me, along
with the digital version, which I usually read on my phone,
but my phone died last night and I was I'm
reading your book. It. I'm just so happy that you
address those fears because I have that also, going into

(28:41):
the idea of like wrapping my head around writing a book.
And then I just love the way you write, and
you'll go on little tangents you come back to the
story you're writing is so funny. You have great stories.
You hate Billy Joel. You get into that almost right
out of the gate. What's the hatred for Billy Joel? Basically,
it's it's it's it goes back to his music. Ultimately,

(29:05):
it's not good. I don't hate the human. I don't care.
So you're fine with him driving his car through a house.
But the song though, is bad. Sure. Look I'm not
a Long Island property uh owner, so he's not a
threat to me. I don't have to worry about my

(29:26):
house getting crashed in. But it's just the music. I
always thought when he does MSG sixty shows in a row,
it's like, get a friend, Like, don't you have any friends, Billy?
Like this is what you need to like fill a hole?
Like that's kinda why do you play golf seven hours
a day? Because I need a friend. I need a friend. Never,

(29:49):
it never ends. How many friends do you have as
an adult? Like good friends. I have a lot of
good friends. I'm very happy with with my life in
regard to my friends, I I did pretty good. Yeah.
I feel the same way about Like I'm like, okay,
that's the one thing I can go. Yeah I did
good on that. You too, Yeah, Tom, I'm really impressed

(30:11):
with whatever kind of office you're in right now? Um,
is this is this your like studio? Oh no, this
is a side room in my house. But it's really beautiful.
Oh thank you. It's been an all purpose room and
all I do is sit on zoom. Oh. That's probably
why I was holding my face because I was like
getting ready for a day of zoom. So you're just

(30:34):
promoting this book NonStop, doing interviews, going on different shows
like that. Yeah, and I'm working also writing on a
show now. So it just means, oh, it's a lot. Well,
thank you for being here. I hope this is going
to be easy for you. Um. The book is called
It Never Ends? Can you? Um? Can you explain your
choice for that title? I know why you chose it,

(30:55):
but I think it's interesting and and how did you
land on what this book was going to even be?
Because you can write about anything. It's It's funny because
I gave it a lot of thought of what kind
of book I wanted to do, and I was thinking,
maybe I'll try to write a novel or something like that,
and then it just always felt like, now I think
I need to kind of tell some stories from my life.

(31:17):
And then if I was going to tell them, then
I kind of needed to Just there's that point where
you're just like, am I gonna am I gonna half
asked this and not tell certain things? Or am I
just going to tell them? And I was like, no,
I'm just gonna tell this stuff. So I just decided
if I tried to think in my mind, I'm only
gonna do one of these ever, so let's make it right. So, yes,

(31:40):
I like that statement that you made of um in
early on in the book, because I'm early on in
the book, but where you say I'm I was scared
of telling certain things and what if certain people read
this and waiting till maybe there like gone so you
could write about it, like did you mention that too?
I believe you did, UM, but like just saying, you

(32:01):
know what, I got to tell the truth and I'm
going to say some things in here that are going
to be very hard for me to even relive, but
I'm just going to take a chance and do it
and and see what happens. Has the fallout from that
been what you've expected? Has has it been okay? Oh yeah,
it's been really positive And people have kind of um,

(32:24):
people have found a lot of commonality with certain stuff
because there's a lot of stuff about mental illness and
things that I went through at different points in my
life that are in there. And and it's nice if
people have come and say, like, oh, I have you know,
like my brother or sister went through that, or I
went through it, or my parents went through my father
went through. So it's been kind of validating in that

(32:47):
regard that I did it the way I was supposed
to do it. But I also, honestly I just would
have done it this way even if people were not
happy with it, I would still be happy with it.
Good because you've you've look I mean the mental illness stuff.
I've got a lot of it too, And I struggle
sometimes disclosing some of the struggles because I go, it's

(33:10):
these things are ongoing and they might come back. And
it's easy to go, that was my past and I'm
over it, and I was addicted to this or I
did this, and it's easier when when you've recovered. But
there's some things that I talked about and I go,
this might rear its head again, pretty like I might
actually still be in this, And that's a little bit
harder to to talk about. I guess if you're kind

(33:32):
of still in it, Um, do you feel did you
have did you have any sense of that or like
feeling about that? Yeah, I mean, because this stuff, there's
no guarantees with with things like mental illness that it's
not gonna come back. It's there's no It's like there's
no finish line on any of those things where it's like,
and that's one of the things like with certain uh

(33:56):
there's certain comedians and certain friends, friends or whatever people
of my life. The one thing that kind of I
can't ever kind of wrap my head around is when
people are like, well, I had this problem and I
did that, but that's done the end and I'm past it.
It's just like sometimes these things circle back, you know,
we might want to be a little less uh. You

(34:17):
might want to take care of the present also with
things and not just act like, oh, I was somebody
with problems or I I was not a great person then,
but now I am and that's over. It's just like,
well you still gotta do some upkeep here, yeah, and
that that's uh. That's a double edged sword for me
because when I have quit things in the past, like

(34:37):
when I quit drinking and smoking there I used a
method called the Alan Car method. And part of that
method is the second you put down your last cigarette,
you're a non smoker, Like you can identify like you're
a non I'm a non smoker. It was the second
you take that last sip and you put down that glass.
I don't drink alcohol and even though you just had one,
and it helps you to do that, to like to

(35:00):
frame it that way so that you're not someone who like, oh,
I'm quitting, or like I truly am a smoker, but
I'm I'm not doing it right now, because then you'll
always kind of identify as one and probably slip back
into it. But I think you're right, of um I
I sometimes, like with my eating disorder, I'm like, I'm done,
I figured it out, not going to do that anymore.

(35:20):
And the second I start thinking that way, I start
doing little things with food that make me go, oh
this can this can I need to do certain up
keep on some things, but then identify as a non smoker,
non drinker. It's like I have to do either or um. Yeah.
It's like when when you were like drinking and falling

(35:43):
off like in the past, and you can go, oh,
that's in the past because and you could like put
your like your finger on those stories because they were
so bad. And then when something is like a little bad,
you know now because I've stopped drinking and I've worked
on some ship, you can't you don't really you don't
want to address it because you're like, well, it's not
as bad as it was, right, And I don't know

(36:05):
I I and you also don't have alcohol to make
for it, so now you're just being you know, bad,
with no assistance from a mind altering substance. But the
thing is our minds, our mind altering, like we everyone
goes like I don't know, I I just I have
this joke right now about like pedophilia, and like how

(36:29):
like taking a shower with my nephew, and how I
didn't want to do it because I'm like, what if
I'm molest him? And my sister's like what And I'm like,
I don't know when I'm capable of like I don't know,
I don't think I'm going to. But like, no one
wants to be a pedophile. It just like occurs to
you one day. No one's like I would love to
one of the kids. So why would I set myself
up first scenario where it might occur to me that

(36:50):
that's who I like? Even the joke is obviously like
I'm not, and that's the most outrageous thing you could say.
And the fact that I'm even scared of being one
would lead you to believe I am not. But like
no one you can bump your head and become something weird,
you know, like the you can't trust that your mind
is always going to be the same. Right, that makes sense,

(37:13):
I can get you. Yeah, I think it makes sense. Okay,
we'll just leave that there. Then just left that was
like I think the zoom is frozen. I'm just gonna go.

(37:34):
Let's get to the news. You're having all the swells
up there having a great time. Oh man, this first story,
I think you're gonna love it. It's a doozy. A
man faces charges for tattooing a child inside a McDonald's
restaurant after videos are posted to social media to alert police.

(37:55):
I mean, that's where you're going to tattoo a child
if you're like a McDonald Yeah, yeah, I mean I
just love So this story goes on to be like
this is hurting the reputation of McDonald's there there, they
put out a statement, we do not condone tattooing your children. Well,
the city was like they just remodeled this McDonald's and

(38:18):
for this to happen outside such a beautiful restaurant tattoo
so like, don't you need to hold set up up
it didn't go through what his setup was, but it
sounds like he was very comfortable doing it, Like it
wasn't just like and if you saw it happening, you
would just go, that's clearly not what I'm pick. I

(38:39):
think that child's being tattooed. That's there's no way that's happening,
and you would go, that's maybe like a fake tattoo
set or something. Um, you see the person looking for
an outlet would be the giveaway. They'd be like holding
a tattoo machine like thrown outload around here. Was Was
it his son? No? No, it was just young kid

(39:00):
that I don't know. They didn't say how old the
kid was. The guy was twenty eight years old, but yeah,
they just said he was a jew. The kid was
a juvenile. I mean, what is the age of when
you should be able to get a tattoo. I know
a lot of like sixteen year olds get him. Yeah,
they'll get like a cross on their shoulder that says
three sixteen. Whenever you get a tattoo, and you're eventually

(39:21):
going to probably reach a point where you go that
was I. I kind of regret that or ruinds me
of a dumb time in my life. UM yeah, I
feel like that that kid's going to have a great
story and it's setting him off on the right foot
to write a really great book someday. It's like when
you get an interview and you meet up Starbucks for

(39:41):
the interview for a Starbucks job or something like. I
just love the idea. Like this kid was like, Oh, yeah, McDonald's,
that's where the best tattoos are. You know. I'm sure
they had a prior friendship. I gotta assume they were
friends before this. I mean unless the guy like put
in Craigslist like come to McDonald's. What would you have
gotten as a tattoo if you were a child? Oh,

(40:04):
at sixteen? Um, probably like a lacrosse I'm picturing this
being a kid. So this is probably a sixteen year
old I guess. I'm guessing Yeah, if I was ten,
probably shark bites, the fruits sack, the white one, the
mysterious white one. Oh, that's what everyone would think that.
I'd get the color one that no one wants, orange one,
the orange hammerhead. They're pink in there sometimes, Tom, what

(40:26):
would you get as a tattoo as a ten year old?
Probably back then I probably would have gotten some like
Night Court, like some TV show I watched a lot of. Yes,
I would have gotten a say by the Bell, like
like I would have gotten maybe Zack's phone or something
that's deftually would have been Yeah, I would have been

(40:47):
actual size too. Um yeah, I feel like. But the
things that you even want on your body when you're
twenty four, you're not gonna want later on. I mean you,
I got a Jaguar tattoo at forty. I don't I
didn't want this. I don't know what I was doing
it faith look cool and I thought they were in Florida.
They're not in Florida. You were. You were going through

(41:09):
something when you started getting tattoos, and which I think
is a normal thing, like you just you. You just
got one one day, and I like the feeling of it.
It's very um meditative. And to go through pain like that,
I don't know, like you enjoy the pain. It's a
weird thing. I guess it's like tying up your ball
as well having sex or something. I don't know, like

(41:31):
getting the ship beat out of you, like cutting a
lot of people that want to cut and want to
like suffer. I've been a cutter before and like you
just want to punish yourself for feeling like a stained person.
And I do mean the band stained without any got
a tattoo of shark bites. But I think I would

(41:51):
get addicted to tattoos because the pain would feel so good.
I mean I surgically removed a wart from my knee
without anesthetic. That's the way we're just figuring love cutters, like,
because you could be you can have tattoos in your
eyelids and people would think you're more normal than a cutter. Yeah,
you're right, and I'm not even getting you. People get
tattoos a lot of times because it's it's an acceptable

(42:13):
form of causing inflicting pain on yourself. Um, Tom, do
you have any tattoos? I don't. I think I would
get one at some point. Maybe I don't know what
I probably want, like the tiniest cop out of a tattoo.
That would just be like I have a tattoo, and
then people will be like, that's not a tattoo. That's
like yes, cleaning the needles or something on my arm. Yeah,

(42:37):
it would look like like, oh wait, that is a mall.
I need to get that checked out or you're just
killing you fill in moles that are already like you know,
misshapen and might be of concern, and you just make
them a perfect circles so no one tells you go
the doctor, so you can keep you little smiley faces.
That would be hilarious to draw smiley faces on your moles. Yeah,

(43:00):
like like or birthmarks, Like you know when you scribble
on a piece of paper and you play that game
where you like make something out of the scribble. Yeah,
you with you? Do you have a birthmark? I remember
that was a big thing when when I was a kid,
to be where's your birthmark? He's not talked about that much.
Do you have a birthmark? Tom? What do you mean,
like a splotch or something? Yeah, some kind of splotch.

(43:23):
I don't know why I didn't never have one either. Really,
I got one on my back, not that big. I
saw one guy had it on his face, huge birth
half his face. Gin stain is what I think those
are called sometimes. Really Yeah, it's like when you know
they don't like that, when they want to be called
little people, you know, like that whole thing of like
that sounds worse than what it is. A port wine stain.

(43:46):
I think you said pork rinds. No pork pork wine.
It's like someone literally skilled wine on a baby, which
happened to me is a lot as a child that
just didn't stain. Well, you're a heavy drinker. I'm like
mom switched to shardon a. It doesn't show up, Um, Andrew,
what's the next story? Oh man, all right, the next story.
It's a doozy baby. Uh are you sure it's better be?

(44:10):
I might be using a little You were filling space.
We were not sure this is gonna be a doozy.
The man who claims to have the world's largest penis
at thirteen and a half inches when Erect reveals that
it's not all fun in games and says the worst
part are pre preconceptions for saying that word is hard.
For some reason, having a thirteen pleasant penis means I'm

(44:33):
a bad person, I'm egotistical, I'm a porn star, or
I'm dumb or I'm a slut. Okay, so this guy's
cock is too bige prejudged it right, It seems like
a burden, um to carry around that. That would be
a lot, would you, as someone Andrew you, you definitely
admire men with big penises, I know, and I'm saying

(44:56):
that like I admire women with tiny little I knows,
um or I guess not admire, but I would I
would like mine to be more like that, and you
would like yours to be more maybe bigger. I don't
think thirteen and a half? Yeah, would you take that
over micro? I don't have a micro on the record,
I'm not. I know. Oh, if I had to choose

(45:17):
between thirteen and a half and a micro, you gotta
go thirteen. And no one's choosing a micro unless they
run in the Olympics and they want to be lighter. Yeah, possibly, Tom,
Do you have any penis envy? No, I'm I'm pretty
I'm pretty uh comfortable with where I'm at with things,
and um the only thing I'm just thrown by is

(45:38):
like this guy's thing. This is like this burden and
people think he's It's like it's the most optional thing
imaginable for people to not know that that feel. He
didn't need to tell anyone. You're so right, right, But
if you want that Guinness record asking for pictures of it,

(46:00):
I've done it ten thousand times, so it's like, oh yeah,
like just go online, like, look, look at the picture
that's already online of it. Did you look at did
you look this guy? I was reading it right when
the show started and I didn't get to google. Yeah.
I mean that's just wild. I mean, if you look
at the guy, he doesn't seem like a guy that
would have a thirteen, but he talks about how he

(46:23):
doesn't need it. He seems, well, he's not black, but
that wasn't what I was talking. If you saw his face,
it was just very boyish, like right right, Um, I
don't need a fancy car, I don't need a gun.
I happily wear my mask and so on because I
don't have to prove my masculinity to anyone else. I'll

(46:44):
wear pink. God damn it. Oh okay, Yeah, I got
a war going on in that head. He is really
he's going through a lot, for sure, and that would
be hard, like having this thing that everyone thinks is
like the greatest thing to have, and you're like, my
life isn't perfect. I think that some people get really

(47:05):
defensive when they just think that they have like, oh
my god. I like I I look at someone like
j Lo, and I'm like, if I was j lo,
I would never be upset, I would never have any issues.
And you know it's yeah, sometimes good looking people have
to prove that they have problems to prove to you know,
the rest of the world, like I'm not, I have

(47:27):
problems to like, you know, they don't want to seem
perfect whatever. But yeah, so why do I care? Actually,
let's take a quick break before why do I care?
Why do I care? Let's get to our story. Why
do I care? Alright, machine Gun Kelly reveals dramatic head
tattoo as he shaves his hair off. You say that

(47:49):
some people do have birthmarks that you don't see until
they shave their heads. That's weird. And I was actually
thinking about machine Gun Kelly looks like someone with a
gigantic penis because he is very long. Um, and I
think about him a lot anyway, So I guess I
care about the story because, um, he's running out of
space to get tattoos, clearly, And this is someone that

(48:09):
probably does tattoos to feel pain and to deal with
his feelings because he's a He's a guy that definitely
suffers with I think he also potentially was wearing some
kind of wig or he his hair was thinning, he
had hair transplants from us, and maybe now he's finally like, no,
this is me. I'm a bald guy. I'm going to

(48:31):
lean into my baldness. I feel comfortable now. Maybe when
you get more hair transplant, you gotta shave it all
because of just the you know, like sometimes I think
you have to shave your head completely to get more
hair transplants. And so maybe something he did to make
it seem like I'm getting I'm doing this for the tattoo,
but it's actually more hair transplant, just tattoo hair. That's

(48:53):
what people do. They get tattoos on their tom You
have a pretty good head of hair for your age
if you're balding. Would you get a hair transplant if
you're bald? Oh, I don't know. I never I just like, look,
first of all, these headphones do no one any favors.
It makes it look like I have a weird headphone
shaped hairline or something. I'm so tired of zoom with that.
It's just like I don't even know what I look

(49:15):
like anymore. Like I feel like I think your eyes
have been closed this whole time because I don't know
what to do. No, I would I. I think I'm
okay with my hair thankfully, is okay enough that I'm fine?
But so you're fine with your penis fine with your hair?
Like the the main thing that men are insecure about you.

(49:36):
You you you accept about yourself, and I just I
you know, look, I'm not in Machine Gun Kelly's Uh,
I'm not struggling with getting a hair transplant and then
shaving it off and then getting a tattoo. Where the thing.
It just seems like he's opened to Pandora's box now

(49:57):
that he now I think he is having to address
the previous thing was a new thing. Yes, well, that's
the thing about reinventing yourself as like a pop artist,
that you have to constantly change your look to get
back into tabloids or to get people to pay attention
to you. Yes, you know, if Machine Gun Kelly wore

(50:17):
a polo shirt every day and was just like, you know,
wearing slacks, it was like, no, this is who I
am on Tuesday, Monday through Friday and Saturday and Sun.
It's not, you know, they they're they're just chasing that
reinvention and it happens with so many pop stars. Yes,
I also think that um machine gun, Kelly seems like

(50:39):
a child that was tattooed the McDonald's. That's like what
that's how you make a machine gun, Kelly. As you
tattoo a child at McDonald's and set him off on
a course, you end up dating Megan Fox for the
Big Mac. He would have been tattooed in Arby's Got
the Meats. Um, let's get to our daily segment. Today

(51:04):
is Wednesday, so it's a wild card. I have chosen
the blankest thing you've ever done, and today's blank is humiliating,
So the humiliating, giest thing you've ever done, which I
selected this one because Tom opens his book with a
couple really embarrassing celebrity like running stories and I really

(51:27):
just wanted to hear you recounted one of those at
least and uh, because they were they they made me uncomfortable,
and um, I just want to know. I want to
know more. Oh well, the book kicks off with me
recounting me bothering punk legend Patty Smith when she was

(51:52):
getting We're saying it was San Francisco, San Francisco Sketch
Fest and and we're all at the same hotel and
I'm just in a state where I'm looking around trying
to make sure I don't see comedians that I've made
fun of and have to see them in person and
then completely fold and back down from my loud for

(52:13):
me being in a loud mouth. Um so, But then
I kept seeing Patty Smith over and over, like, wait,
which comedian were you really dreading seeing when you when
you think of that, is there one name? Yeah? There is?
Can you tell me Pete Holmes? And the thing is

(52:33):
tomb You know that Pete Holmes knows what you've said
about it pretty sure. Yeah, he's a person that is
is aware. That is so funny. Thank you for telling
me that name. Okay, continue, it's just his laugh is
um but so it keeps Smith keep saying Patty Smith

(52:53):
over and over, and then like the fourth time I
see her in two days, I'm like, that does it?
I gotta go say something to her and uh and
then I get she gets in the elevator to go
to her room, and I get I jump in the elevator,
and then there's that moment where I'm like, I'm gonna
say something that just like I'm not gonna say the
usual dumb things that people say to people, I'm gonna

(53:15):
blow her out of the water with I don't think
she's never heard before, which is just that's like a
flashing light should go off in anyone here when they
hear that thought. It's so true because when you meet
a celebrity, you do you. I think everyone goes through that,
especially some when you really admire. You're like, I want
to prove to them. I'm different than these just pedestrian

(53:37):
fans that say the same thing, scream mclovin and like
I want to say, oh I love that indie project
you did. You want to really prove your your fandom.
So what did you decide? Oh? I I thought about
I remembered that I had been in a cab in
Memphis earlier that year and was talking to this old
grizzled Cabby. I was like, so, what bands the you

(54:00):
see back in the seventies and he was like, ah,
I saw this band. Humble Pie was the best band
that ever saw live. They were the greatest. So I
was like, oh, well, maybe Patti Smith saw humble Pie.
So I was like, it's when I say to her, like,
how is how are your shows going? Bupp up? Like
the and then here comes the here comes the neutron bomb,

(54:22):
and I just say, um, so did you ever see
humble Pie back in the day? And I've never said
like back in the day as a phrase, I've never
set out grizzled taxi trac I said it, and she
the look on her face, she just was like, oh, yeah,
it's before my time. And it wasn't before her time.
She just and then she's like, I think she got

(54:43):
off at the wrong floor just to get out of
the elevator. Then I picture her taking that like starewell
in the hotel upstairs, realizing the doors no access now
she has to go all the way back down and
like like just to avoid whatever that is so tom

(55:08):
It's so funny because I honestly do think that's a
good question. And if she would have maybe seen humble
Pie back in the day and had a story, she
would have really appreciated that question. And you don't know
what kind of mood she was in or what she's
just getting done with, or how she's feeling, like, there's
so many factors, but that is truly so uncomfortable. And

(55:29):
what when you what did you do the rest of
the day with yourself. After I got off the elevator
and my friend John Worcester, who uh you know I
do stuff on the radio with, he was in the
lobby and he's liked it. How did it go? And
I told him and then he looked like, oh no,
that like it was one of those things where he's
just like, oh, that story dies right here, like no one.

(55:52):
And then the next time I got on the radio
and I was just like, I gotta tell it. I
can't not. I can't let that one. Diet's too dumb
and like your fans have, it's become like a thing
on your show. Oh it is. It is what I'm
known for that And people say to me, just like
you ever see humble pause any people use the phrase

(56:14):
back in the day to me, and it's just like
I get it back in the day. Well we have
to like, actually let you go. But I just wanted
to say before I do um your book, I'm really
excited to get through the rest of it. And I
don't mean to say get through. I hate that phrasing um,
but it's like it's I just read the story of
you going to see Billy Joel last night in New

(56:35):
York with friends who, Um, you got like invited by
the popular kids because they had an extra ticket to
go see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. Your first
trip to New York alone without your parents. You go
to New York, you go to see Billy and and
and you're with the popular boys and they go to
Times Square. It's a very It's such a great story.
But I loved the idea of you being like one

(56:57):
day the popular crew like invited you in, and I
just love the way it ends. You got to read
the book. It never ends to find out how that
story ends. But I wanted to just say to you, Um,
the an ex boyfriend introduced me to the Best Show,
which is your calling show that you've been doing for
for so long, so funny you and John Worcester. Uh.
There was one character in particular, and I remember I

(57:19):
found it um on an archive and it was pre
nine eleven. I just always remember being like this happened,
like I think it was like the month before nine eleven.
That's how would always find the clip and it was
and if I gotta go find it because it's I
think it's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life
and I'm not exaggerating when I say that like this,
this guy I was dating showed me this clip and

(57:39):
we had so much fun listening to this over and
over that it it made our relationship last way longer
than it should have. And it was, um, John calling
in as your high school bully Troy Dirshman. And I'm
assuming that got character is called in more than once,
but that was the I think the first time he
called in. It's one of the funniest and you're just

(58:01):
this guy, this bully calls in and the bully is
just still trying to bully Tom, even though Tom is
very comfortable with who he is now, but he's still
living in this act and he talks like this. It
is so good, so funny. Um is it on YouTube?
I'll find it some way and and post it because

(58:23):
it's it's just I try to pull it up every
so often for people, and it's one of those things
that you set up and you go, I hope this
is as funny as I'm selling it, and it always is.
It always is, so that, Um, I just I've loved
you ever since that, So thank you so much for
being on the show and and for writing this book.
And sending me one. Um, it never ends. Tom sharp Ling,

(58:46):
get his book. It's a memoir with nice memories. UM,
can't wait to read the rest of it. Tom, thank
you so so much for being on the show. Thank
you so much for having me. I really appreciate enjoy
the rest of your press today. I hope it's I
hope it's it's it's gonna be what it's gonna be,
It's gonna be. Thank you. By I'm talking to Gayl
King or whoever it is. I did so many zooms.

(59:09):
Well maybe not, but like I did so many zoom
calls yesterday. You can go, Tom, I'm sorry, you can
leave whatever you want. Yeah, thank you so much. Tom.
Show continues though. Um, I did so many zoom interviews yesterday.
Uh and just this week. It's like my life is
much like Tom's, just one constant. Like like yesterday I

(59:31):
did Um, I did a podcast Chicks in the Office
for an hour. That was a half hour. Actually yeah
it was. It was so fun. We just talked about
the Bachelor at WA's name. No, no, no, that's that's
that's no, this is a barstool. We had a lot

(59:52):
of fun. She was about to interview Katie from the
Bachelor Bachelorette. The next interview she did, she goes, I
have to actually go we're interviewing Katie, and I was goes,
I'm gonna I'm gonna put her in the hot seat,
and I was like, no way, and she and I
go DM me later to tell me how it went,
and she was like, dude, I just like grilled her
and it was uncomfortable and I can't wait to hear it.
But um, I just want to say that, uh yeah,

(01:00:14):
though it's it's it's yourself repeating the same stories and like, yeah,
kind of I feel bad for my publicist who have
to sit on every call and listen in and I'm
just like, oh, they have to hear this again. Let's
go into final thought and close it out with, um,
your most humiliating this moment maybe the beginning of this podcast.

(01:00:37):
Oh that wasn't humiliating. I'm sorry that I raised my
voice and got it emotional like that. No. I think
everyone that listened is probably like, finally, Andrew, yeah, let
her have it. I don't want it to come off
like that. I just I just don't know it makes sense,
and I'm just saying that I hear what you're saying,
and I can be that way sometimes, but I'm I

(01:00:59):
was just trying to tell you. In my mind, I
don't I want to have credit for the things that
I do, and in my mind, I wrote that. So
that's why I said something about it. And I wouldn't.
I would always give you credit if and I didn't
think that you were taking credit falsely and just being
like I wrote that, I thought that you thought you
wrote it too, like we both thought like I never

(01:01:19):
I never would assume that you are taking that you
would make up something. But it's not even about like
these are just exacts. It's just like I just don't
sometimes I just get upset when I feel like you're
competitive with me, when when there's no reason to be,
because at the end of the day, if this is
a competition, you've one like and I know that sounds

(01:01:40):
like I'm just saying, like career like you've one already
like and competitiveness, but I just don't see it like competitiveness.
I guess it it is um it's it's it would
indicate that I'm competitive, But it's more about just like
I like, I'll give you credit when I when I
know that a joke you wrote for me kills, and

(01:02:02):
like I've said before, like and that line you gave
me killed, Like, I'm not gonna be in denial that
I think we both just had a different memory and
I just wanted to make it correct as opposed to
because I know I remember being proud of coming up
with walking lunch of shame, and then when I heard
you laughing at I was like, he's laughing in a
way that he is like celebrating that he wrote that,
And that's why I had to be like, dude, you

(01:02:23):
know I wrote that right, and that to me is
the complete opposite. And I and I should have been
more understanding of that you were having the same feeling
of like no I wrote that way, we're both having
the same feeling and knowing the same truth a lot
like remember on the show when we both heard Noah
mispronounced that thing and then we were both wrong. I

(01:02:45):
bet Bill Dixon wrote that fucking line like Garrett wrote it.
I mean, I will give it to you if you
have a your note didn't have proof that you wrote it.
I'm really sorry that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that like
I like hold I shouldn't hold on to anything like
that though, either or if it makes you say that
you thought it was in a bad mood the whole
night too because of that, because I I really promised

(01:03:06):
you I would let you I know, when I get
pissed about something and then I carry it the rest
of the night, and I'm like punishing you with silence.
I've done that before. It was I was not doing
that that night. I think that was a coincidence. I
forgot it right after it happened, So I know, I
just and I'm sorry that, like I like brought it
to the show. I I don't know why it just
hit obviously, I'm I'm competitive too in ways, you know.

(01:03:29):
But I just feel like like I came to you
yesterday and being like, hey, can you help me? I
I asked you first. I didn't just run a bit.
I haven't done that in so long, and like and
so when I asked for your help, and then when
it came across to me that you were like saying,
well I did this, and it's like, well, I I
I don't that should be between us because like it

(01:03:51):
just feels like you're discrediting me to promote yourself to
outside people. That are listening, and it just hurt my
feelings because like I feel like if I ever help
you write a bit like I would I remember, like
I would never be like Nikki didn't do. I was
the one. Like that's a problem for me. I always
have to if I ever give someone a tag or

(01:04:14):
like a line and I'm in the back of the
room watching them, no matter who is around, I have
to say I wrote that. I have to. It's like,
and that's why I could never be a writer on
a show, because I would just be mad that everyone's
giving Sarah Jessica Parker credit for being funny in that
moment when I wrote that line, and I want people
to know I wrote it. And it's a weird thing
from It's definitely like a character defective mind of like

(01:04:37):
needing credit for what I do and needing to be
in control of it, and like needing not letting someone
else have the glory that I put the work of
the work that I put in, even though you've given
me countless lines that you don't ask for credit for,
but I hope that I do give you credit for those.
There are lines in my act that every time I
say them on stage and they get a huge laugh.

(01:04:58):
There's a part of me that's like, god, damn it,
I didn't write that. Like most of the jokes that
people say are my favorite jokes of yours to me,
I did not write, and you've written some of them,
and I always give you credit. I always give credit
to who wrote those. And I just want you to know, like,
like I come to you yesterday because you're fucking brilliant
at joke writing, and you fucking took what I had

(01:05:20):
that was so such too many words. I said, uh,
she thought I was cheating before the cheating line, and
you fucking scrambled it in a way and made it
so concise that of course I give you credit. Of
course that wasn't me, Like, of course you're fucking brilliant
at doing that, and like I fucking admire. I need

(01:05:41):
to double down and like take it from you. And
that is something I will work on because it is
annoying and I'm glad we had this talk because it
I want you to be able to come to me
for joke help, and I want to be able to
give you lines and not have and not make you
now like scared to come to me for that because
Nicky's going to rub it in my face. It is
a problem for me that I cannot help that I

(01:06:02):
need to take credit when I do a line, and
I try to give credit to people who give me lines,
And I would give you credit all day long, you
know that, Like, dude, there's there's so much shit in
my act that you fucking have helped me with. And
just watching you do stand up and being around you
and talking to you, like and then I just feel
like I'm just like not competitive with you. And that's

(01:06:24):
when it just hurts me. It's like because it's like
like like that the other night, because like I had
this little win in lease in my mind and I
felt like I couldn't even have that. And that's why
I like, I have to say that if you take
if you think you've done something that I think I've done,
I'll probably do the same thing. But that was it
wasn't me trying to take a win from you. It

(01:06:44):
was it was me trying to take a win that
wasn't in my mind, wasn't your win, and it was
my win. So I wanted to correct it, but I
was probably I'm open to the idea that I was
wrong to that in that time, and that you did
write that joke, and if and and you wrote oh
many jokes for me on that show that have killed,
and I've watched kill. That to me wasn't one of them.

(01:07:05):
So I needed to correct it. And I'm sorry that
you could show you. But I don't know that your
notes are going to prove to me because a lot
of times you would be taking notes when I was
talking and I'd be like, write that down. So so
this is like one of so I wrote down a
bunch of jokes when you know how I would write
down a bunch before. So it's like, you guys look
so tense. Look like your mom just found out your
body count. Um, look tense like your you owe your

(01:07:28):
bookie money you just spent on a convertible. And then
I go pack up your colorful board shorts, designer sunglasses,
and fake jewelry to get ready to take the walking
lunch of shame out of here. I do think that
you were taking a line that I wrote and filling
it like the three you at that point that was
you were writing the whole. I just gotta say, Andrew,
this is just what I think happened there, because I

(01:07:49):
remember walking doing walking lungs, being so proud of that,
and we were trying to top it because there was
nothing else to do. Walking out that was like a
walking exercise. And I think in that sort of stance
I needed the three things at the top that would
lead to the walking launge of shame. So pack up
your blah blah blah blah blah, and those are the
things you wrote. I the only reason why I disagree,

(01:08:09):
it's because it was part of like fifteen other jokes
I wrote. But look, it doesn't matter like back in
the day, humble pie. Look, I love you, and I
appreciate your your your help in everything that you do.
And I appreciate you career wise as well as personal.

(01:08:32):
And if I get emotional, it's just because, like I
don't mind it, man, I like it. I don't mind.
I get emotional too, And and I think you had
reason to in that respect, like and that was annoying
of me. And so I don't mind you um getting
mad at me and like yelling or grunting or whatever
it was that you did where you go. I just

(01:08:53):
never do that. That's okay, I don't mind. I honestly
I can handle that. I really can. And what's the
most humiliating thing you've said to a celebrity? Um, let's
end on something maybe. I mean I was trying to
think of like the most humiliating thing ever, and it
was it was fainting on stage. Was like the thing
I was trying to think on the way back here
from this morning, trying to go get my phone fixed

(01:09:15):
and all this ship Um that I was like, what's
the thing that you wouldn't want to relive because it
was so humiliating, And it was it was fainting on
stage because I just the way I like, because you
didn't treat your body right with Yeah, it was the
shame of like I starved myself and smoked weed and
like didn't eat, you know. And then it was also

(01:09:35):
the way I reacted after I fainted. I was so
embarrassed that I like lashed out at the crowd and
was like just screamed at them. But honestly, I would go,
just like you said, I would say, like the most
embarrassing things have been like on this podcast, Like the
way I've treated you on this podcast has been like
humiliating because it's it's just like things you do when

(01:09:59):
you when you're overcome by anger or or fear, when
you're backed into a corner and you just like it's
coming out of your mouth and you know it's not
the right thing to say and you can't help it.
It's like those moments where I feel out of control
of my feelings and I need to be right, and
it's like when my ego gets in the way and
I become It's when I become a burden to people

(01:10:23):
who have signed on to be my fan and listen
to me, and now they have to hear me be
like a terrible person and like they're like, we don't
want to hear this ship like we like listening to
when I subject people to listening to me be egotistical
and uh, insecure and narcissistic, like those those glimpses of

(01:10:43):
those sides of myself are really humiliating. And you know
what happened today and it will happen again because I
do the show every day and I don't want you
to feel bad, like I don't want you to know
I forgive myself for it because we landed in such
a good spot that I feel like this to be
an example of how and we're gonna end up here again.

(01:11:04):
We're gonna get frustrated with each other again, like it's
it will happen, you can, But I'm letting you know
that I can handle the I can handle your anger.
I'm not gonna respond to it by saying okay, then
we're done to you. Like I have it within me too.
If anything, your anger is good for me because it
it's like a reset button where it's like it'll it'll

(01:11:25):
kind of like surprise me that you are so frustrated
with me and you can't handle it anymore, that you
like are going to be screaming, And it makes me realize, like, oh,
I've put him into a position where he is responding
in a way he he doesn't like to even do
what he's doing right now, which is like he's feeling
so angry that he has to do this. Nikki, maybe

(01:11:48):
stop and think about how we can diffuse this and
how we can why you've why you've driven him to
to do this, to to behave this way. So I
honestly don't mind your anger when it's expressed like that.
I actually prefer it as opposed to um going in
your room and watching money heist. I'm on episode nine,
it's getting heated. I gotta get to the course, all right.

(01:12:11):
I know you gotta go play golf. I gotta go
take the intro to this show that you you've already heard.
But be cool, don't be out there, be just be cool.
And Tom Starpling's book is called It Never Ends. Support him.
If you if you want, if you want, if you
like reading and you want to read a really yeah,
and you're and maybe if you're not a Pete Home instant.

(01:12:34):
Uh and uh, thank you Tom Sharpling. Don't be cut
and