#93 Antarcticouhl

Between you and Nikki she loves to play word games, tried blush way too young and wants to want to be a cat lady. Andrew is surrounded by kids and keeping sane with his girlfriend. The news goes off the rails when Producer Noa hoped for positive news stories but lands on one of the best things on the internet. For Top1 Bottom1 they try to talk about the latest thing they did for themselves. In the Final Thought Nikki has a message for the Besties.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Nick Nick, Hello here I am. I almost just hurt
my neck like jamming out to that song. I'm like,
sometimes I do a dance and I'm like, oh, like

(00:22):
a little fun jig. I'm gonna go. I'm getting too
old to have to be like fun, to be like
to just have a moment of like random like yeah,
it's like, oh, um, how's it going? Everyone? Happy Monday.
I hope you had a great weekend. I my weekend.
We don't even know what it's gonna be yet because

(00:44):
it's Friday. Let me just be honest with you, guys.
I'm pre taping this because Monday I am going to
be um traveling to Lost Vegas. I usually say Vegas
and people do not care for that. Um, but I
do believe eve that is the way it should be pronounced.
And I think I'm right. Um, But every time I

(01:04):
say Loss Vegas, I have to picture v A dub
v A y g us because I guess two years
ago we were going to Las Vegas and I kept
saying Vegas. People go, you say that weird, and I'm like, Vegas, Vega, Vegas, No,
it's Vegas. Who said that? Who said that? And isn't

(01:29):
it Spanish, and how is that pronounced Spanish? That is
the right way. Probably, I don't know what did you
take Spanish? Do you know how to pronounce Spanish words? Um?
I did take Spanish for a while. I'm not sure.
I usually say Vegas, but I love when you say
Vegas and bagel. I don't know bagel, like how you

(01:49):
say bagel, waiting it bagel, bagel just's like it. Hold on,
I'm gonna go at a bagel. I love wait a
second lost bagel. Oh that is so funny. I do

(02:10):
say bagel weird. Oh my god, it's bagel. That's me
as a New Yorker. That's how I see a Y
g U L bagel bagel. Um, that's really funny. Um,
I love mispronunciations. Did you ever take that quiz that
I was obsessed with? Did you ever do that? On? You? Up?

(02:30):
You guys. If you want to show yourself a really
good time, there's a quiz all you google, honestly, because
every time I don't ever remember how to actually find it.
You just google? What is going on? Right with? Fun? Um?
You google uh quiz regional dialect. Let me see if
that pulls it up. Yeah, and It's called how y'all use?

(02:55):
And you guys talk? The New York Times. It's from
two and you just take a quiz. It's so wild.
It's such a fun game at parties, or like when
you're with a group of people and you're like board,
pull this up. It's called how y'all use? And you
guys talk? And there's twenty questions and they just ask
questions like how would you address a group of two

(03:16):
or more people? You all use you lot, you guys,
yun's yen's you other or y'all. And then you go
through and you answer questions that are just like those
kinds of questions, like what would you call a um?
There's one that's so funny, goes what do you call
a rainstorm? Or like when it's raining and the sun

(03:38):
is shining and it's like a sunshower. We don't have
a word for this. The devil beats his wife Donkeys
Tuesday Deluxe. It's just like who would ever giving birth
a wolf? It's giving birth? Yes, it's so weird. Did
you ever have a Did you have a name for that? Uh? No,

(03:58):
I don't. I think I would be the one. I
have a term for it. Yeah, well, I we call
that Patricia takes her cat to the market. I don't
know what it's like, what is this? But the weirdest
thing is you guys, And I'm no joke. Every time
I've run this test, maybe once it didn't work because
someone had moved around a lot because they were like
a military kid or um a gypsy and uh they

(04:22):
it will it will show you a map of At
the end of the twenty five questions, it will generate
and no boop, and then at the end of it,
it will show you a map like a heat map,
you know where it's like red is where it thinks
you're from, and it will be down to the county
where you are from in the United States. It's wild.
It's so cool and it freaks people up. People go

(04:43):
no way, and it'll be like, yeah, you're from a
southern you know, suburb of Baltimore, and it's like, what,
there's a great Baltimore um dialect or like accent thing
on that's making a rounds on TikTok I saw it
and Reddit. But it says it's it makes these guys.
It says, if you're from Baltimore and have a Baltimore

(05:03):
accent read this sentence, and what the sentences is Aaron
a a r o n Earns e a r n
s iron Earns. You r n s like Aaron Earns
iron urns. And if you're from Baltimore, you go arn
Earns earn earns. And these guys go, there's this guy

(05:23):
doing it. He's like, arn arn't our arn't air earns
our earn't. And then he goes, guys, what the hell
is this the way we talk? Because he's hearing it
for the first time, I'm going like, I'm just saying
the same thing over and over. That's why I love
that one. Have you ever heard the one of buffalo buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo,
Like that's a sentence because buffalo is an adjective. Let

(05:46):
me find it. It's so interesting. I love this ship
buffalo buffalo buffalo because buffalo is an adjective of adverb
and and nown uh, I don't think it's an adverb,
but it's um oh yeah, here he goes buff so buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo,
buffalo buffalo. So it's one, two, three, four, eight buffaloes

(06:11):
in a row is a grammatically correct sentence in English,
often presented as an example of how hominems and homophones
hey this sense. The sentences anti gay um can be
used to create complicated linguistic constructs through Okay, so anyway
buffalo is um a pronoun So Buffalo Buffalo. So as

(06:35):
a pronoun or, it's a proper down Buffalo, New York.
And then as a verb meaning to bully, harass, or intimidate,
So Buffalo Buffalo. So the h buffaloes from Buffalo bully Buffalo, okay,
and uh Buffalo, and then they bully other buffaloes from Buffalo.

(06:58):
And it's like, but anyway, it's saying buffalo eight times
in a row is a real sentence in English that
checks out. And that's just interesting to me. Um, I
love like wordplay stuff like this. It was interesting today
We're trying to come up with the top one bottom
one segment and Noah said, you are not good with
lyrics because I said maybe lyrics, and you go, I

(07:19):
just don't. Can we just like not do lyrics because
I just like I just don't know lyrics? I wait,
why is it? Because every song you listen to us
like ral Fan how good you are with that by
the way, But yeah, that's pretty much it. Like I

(07:41):
guess I never paid attention to lyrics. That's not what
pulled me into like a song. For me, it was
just about the music. So I know, I was like,
I could not be like I mean, I do love
melody and like instrumentation, but it I think I couldn't

(08:01):
be more opposite of you in that respect, Like there's
no you don't like, there's no lyrics that you go like,
oh my god, like this lyric just like nails it, Like,
do do songs like illicit feelings for you? Just based
on their like the sound that comes out of these
men's throats. Well, I recently started listening to like pop music,

(08:21):
and I really like listening to Rihanna. Like her lyrics. Okay,
she's very horny, come out, come on S S S
S and m m um, Yeah, I love I love
her lyrics too. She's super wet when she records. Do

(08:43):
you know she has to put up an album for
like eight years or something. She recently became one of
the richest women. She's in like billionaire status. She's I
feel like, if you reach that when you put out
a makeup line. That's like what every time a girl
does a makeup line, it's like billionaire. It's like that's
what was what would Kylie be like make money from?

(09:05):
Otherwise Kardashians pay an episode. Probably it's got to be
these this makeup. I gotta start a makeup line. She
has a lingerie line called fenty Oh that's our makeup
line too, and her lad she has like really wants
need more makeup or lingerie. It's like, it's just it's
all none of this. If I was to make a

(09:28):
product and like put my name on it, it would
have to be something that doesn't exist anymore. That's like
a new technology or like a new like I came
up with. There's some idea I had that I was like, okay,
that actually is a thing like I want because it
doesn't exist yet. I every color of eyeshadow has existed,
every pigmentation, every shimmer, every kind of you know, Oh

(09:51):
no this primer goes on smoother. No it doesn't, it doesn't.
They're all the same, stop it um and they're not
all the saying but I honestly, girls, you don't have
to spend two dollars at Sephora like old glazed dog
over here. I really, I just haven't been to a
Walgreen's in a really long time. There are times when
my whole makeup bag is Walgreens stuff, like you know,

(10:14):
drug store makeup, and it works just as well as
when I go to Alta or Sephora or you know,
uh mac, Um, I just, is there any makeup product, Noah,
that you are like or any kind of like product
in your life? Girl? Product? I mean, I don't want
to say girl, but um, you know, is there any

(10:37):
product that you have used forever that's like you're kind
of the serum you know that I use that I'm
so like obsessed with and if it got discontinued, I
just don't know what I do. I do have that
and I've been using it since I found it in
my mom's makeup bag when I was a kid. It's cocaine,
were not Suplets to talk about that. Um, it's the

(11:01):
Nars like highlighter stick and the colors Copacabana. I think
it's just like this, like like pink bar and I
just I love it so much. I put it like
under my eyes and then I do like a line
on my nose to try to like look at to
make it look reduced, you know, right, Oh my god, Okay,
Nars highlighter stick Copacabana. Yeah, that's mine. I love that

(11:26):
And that's so cute. You got it from your mom? Like,
who knew? I didn't even know Nars was around back then.
That's so cool. I love that. Did you used to
get into I loved my grandma's makeup and the smell
of the bag and the smell of the powders, and
like I loved that stuff because it just smelled so good.
I don't know if I was a kid that was
like I can't wait to wear makeup. When did you

(11:47):
start wearing makeup? It started with eyeliner. Oh yeah, that's
where I think, like sixteen or seventeen, and I can't
live without it. Eyeliner was my last thing that I
ever did. What was your first? I think it was
like blush because it's like that's what you like? Who
needs blush? And eighth grade? I remember his eighth grade,

(12:07):
but it was like I remember I found one of
my friends notes Curson, if you're listening, I've never let
this go and I need to do some work on it.
Probably it's leading to you know, me acting out even today.
It's why, you know, sometimes I want to kick my
room ba um, because I found a note from one
of my friends. I think it was Halla wrote to

(12:29):
Kurson or Kurson wrote to Holla, and they were making
fun of me wearing makeup and being like Nikki's wearing
makeup now and she looks ridiculous, and I was just like,
I don't know, I was just trying, like a new thing.
I remember one time, Hollow, we were all putting on
makeup in Hollow, never wore makeup. And her last name
is Holly. That's why we called her Holla, because we
got lazy, and then it eventually turned into her. So

(12:50):
now we just go like Hair called me yesterday and
her name is Laura. Laura Holly turned into Laura. Halla
turned into really trying to her. And so one time, Hala,
if you're listening, bitch fucking wrote about me in eighth grade. Um.
I think I never called them out on it because

(13:10):
it was so embarrassed, but she one time put um,
you know how sometimes concealer can come in like a lipstick,
almost like things. I bet your nurs thing is like
a stick, right, um. She thought it was lipstick and
she put concealer. Like we were all like she was
like this color, what this particular We're like, Halia, that's concealer. Um.

(13:35):
I want It's always fun to interview men about what
they think different things are. There's a lot of tiktoks
of that of like what is this product? And there's
like dumb boyfriends being like, I don't know, put that
on your toes and it's just like, no, it's a
brow jowl. And it's just like I don't know that
a nipple creame' is like no, that's you know, I

(13:56):
don't know something else the thing I can't think of it.
It's like I want to start getting into TikTok. By
the way, I gotta do it, and my bestie sent
me Taylor Swift's latest TikTok. Taylor Swift is joined TikTok
and she did this one where she was she showed
a interview from Regis and Kelly or something. She was

(14:18):
talking about getting a second cat because she had one,
and she was like, I'm worried about getting a second
cat because like, when you have cats, does that make
you like a cat lady? Like does cat's equal cat
lady and some and she was talking to a friend
and my friend said, no, three cats as a cat lady,
two cats is a party. And then it cuts to
brampt and it's like her in two thousand twenty one,

(14:40):
and it's her holding one cat and she walks across
and she's just kind of like whatever. And then then
the next then you see her walk into frame again
she's got two cats, and it's like and it's like
a party. Um, speaking of party, you're getting a cat,
you're getting half a party. I am your friend found
a cat. Was a pro by a cat. This cat,

(15:02):
I mean seems to have found my friend in a
hotel parking lot and uh, it's a kitten. It was
so friendly and um, she said, Okay, this cat is
so sweet. I'm gonna just let it be and if
I come back at the end of my work day
to the hotel and um he's there, I'll take him.

(15:23):
So she ended up leaving and at the end, when
she was gassing up her car, she's like, okay, I can't.
I need to go back and find it. She like
went and looked all over for it, and he came
out of these bushes and she that it was like,
if he comes out naturally, I'll get him. And then
she went digging for him. Yeah, she's saved like so
many animals from the side of the road. She's like

(15:44):
this magical. So animals just kind of like find this
woman that she has three dolls, search for them. Yeah, well,
I think she's an angel. She's so good. That's so nice.
So you said I will. She told you about it,
and you were like, we need a cat, let's do it.
And so you're going to fly to New York and

(16:05):
get this cat and then fly back. Yeah, I mean
like I'll check off seeing some some family members too,
to make the most of it. But it's just like
a cat that likes to be held like a baby,
and he purrs and he's so sweet. And I don't
know a lot about cats. Do most cats not like
to be held like a baby. Some of them are
aloof you know, it's just like in their personality. So

(16:27):
this one's very special because he is so friendly and
I can't resist. Have you ever owned a cat? Never?
Have you ever been a catwoman? I've I call myself
a crazy cat lady on Instagram because I follow a
ton of cat accounts. Oh so you love cats on Instagram?

(16:47):
You're already like in it. See I'm not someone who
watches cat videos and I want to be because Taylor
Swift is and I'm just not. But I think there.
You sent me a video of your cat and it's
so cute, and I so that's you already. Like I
wonder if I could become a cat person or if
you're like born one I became. So I was watching

(17:08):
Beth Sterns cat videos. Oh yeah, she she posed great
ones and yeah right, and from that I just was like, okay,
I need all these kittens and old body gonna name it.
We don't know yet is Avi and two cats? Yeah
he loves all animals. Oh my god, that's so exciting.

(17:28):
Congrats I'm getting a cat. Isn't it crazy that you
are going to, like in eighteen years, you're gonna have
this animal. If all goes well, you're gonna have this
animal that and your life is gonna be so different.
You could have a child, Like let's just say, like
you could have a kid in high school and this
cat will still be around all because your friend was
at a hotel one day. I'm fine with it. That's

(17:50):
so crazy how the world works like that, and like
you're committing to something though that it is going to
be around for a while. I mean, it's unfortunate that
they don't live forever as long as humans, Like that's
one of the saddest things. But that's quite a commitment.
I mean the other day I was at Whole Foods
and I was picking up toilet paper and I was like,
do I get the twelve pack or the four? And

(18:13):
I go, I'm gonna get the four. And it's like,
why you can carry the twelve. This isn't about a
bulk issue. You have the money for the twelve, and
I just I'm like, are you not going to live
long enough to wipe your ass that much? Like, of
course I'm gonna need twelve rolls? Does it have to
do with the fact that maybe I think Andrew needs

(18:35):
to get a pack sometimes and maybe maybe no, I
don't know what it was like Sometimes Q tips like
Q tips, I'm like, that's a commitment. I don't someone
what if I die, Someone's gonna get rid of those
Q tips and then they go to waste because no
one wants to like get Q tips from goodwill. My
mom probably would. Let's get Andrew in here is he available?

(18:56):
He is in Connecticut? Which is how I say it
when I spell it, because that's how you spell it.
I was forget there's that extra t. Let's get Andrew.
Hey Andrew? What's that? How's it going in Connecticut? Connecticut's good?

(19:20):
A lot of kids, A lot of kids. They how many?
I feel like they've have kids? Now? There could be
thirty forty of them running around. It's it's um, it
feels like that it's three of them. Uh. A lot
of knocks on the door while your boys trying to uh,

(19:40):
you know, lay it down. You really they knocked on
the door while you're trying to have sex. No, No,
but you could feel I'm anticipating it, so you know
I got one hand on the door, one hand on
that ass, you know what I mean? Um, that was
That was a question I had for you yesterday. Like
you guys hadn't seen each other for a little bit.
Did you want to bang like right away? But you

(20:01):
had to meet the kids? We did you did bang
right away in the car? No? And no, no, that
would have been badass. We had an uber driver. Uh No,
we didn't bang in the car. But when we got
to the house, Uh, did you just pretend like you
had to go take a ship or something? Yeah, we
both took ships. But how did you avoid like not

(20:24):
hanging out right when you out there? I'm trying to
think we I think we got here. We said hello,
then we went in the bag, saying, oh, we gotta
change for the pool or something. Okay, we had a
really quick sash and then there was a knock at
the door and then it's or no. We started hearing
Hubert dog drink out of a bowl in the laundry room,

(20:47):
and uh, are you sure that was Hubert? It could
have been me. We both flash that's all I heard.
I heard, and I was like, okay, any two of
us can do that, and uh and so whatever. So
we both thought it stopped slobbery and we went back
out there, me and Hubert and Brenna. It was great.

(21:09):
It was a good hang. Um. You know kids, when
when you're not around kids and then you eat dinner
with I mean, they're they're very loud and uh, they
don't give a fuck about anything, and it's awesome, But
I just don't like, Yeah, the other night when you
were saying like I think you were just kind of
like open to having kids or something. You were talking,

(21:30):
we were talking about kids, and you were like, I
don't know, Like I go, you're not gonna be able
to like golf four hours a day. I know that.
And you're like, but you can bring the kids, like
once they get old enough, they can golf with you.
And I'm like, yeah, but they're gonna require your attention.
You can't just like focus on your swing. You're gonna
have to like look at their the thing they're showing
you on their iPad. Even if they're old enough to
be on an iPad, let's say, like they're gonna you

(21:51):
don't have to talk to them and like be present
and um people, Yeah, I don't think you understand. I'm
glad you get to see this. Like even my sister's
other night in the baseball game was saying like, because
I go, I knew you know it's gonna be hard.
No one says that parenthood is easy, Like, you know
it's gonna be harder than you think it's going to be.

(22:12):
Is it harder than you thought it was gonna be
even knowing that it was going to be And she
was like, yes, it's more work, Like I just I mean,
we talked about this so much into Loom Noah about
like why would you do that to your life and
like like and it's and it's I understand once you
have the kids, like you're not gonna get rid of

(22:32):
them because you're like, no, these amazing, But why would
you I want to create something that you might not
even like you don't even know what kind of love
that is yet, Like you love your dog and you
love your cats and stuff, so you understand that kind
of love. But like, um, isn't about like wanting kids
so bad that people would invite that chaos into their

(22:53):
lives where they'll never for probably you know, eight years,
never have a r where it isn't like let's just say,
you know, five years and then if you keep having kids,
it's not going to be for another until those kids
are five or six and you can sit at the
dinner table and not scream and go I don't want
it and push it away and like run around and

(23:15):
squirm in their chair. Like when I go to eat
with my brother in law and sister, there's no one
there's no conversation that gets had. Nothing, Everything stays on
the tarmac. No, there's no subject that catches flight and
becomes an actual conversation. It's just constantly wrangling them in,
like eat your broccoli, eat your chicken, Come on, you

(23:37):
gotta eat this. Do you want dessert? Do you want dessert?
Do you want to eat this? Eat this? Oh you
don't want to eat this? How about eat this? Eat this?
Eat this? Dinner is over. Yep, there's no there's no
like what did you do today at work? And um,
what's going on with that thing that you know? There's
just there's no room for any conversation to happen. And

(24:00):
I think you just go through five years of never
having an actual conversation and and and I feel so
bad for you know, single mothers or single fathers stuck
at home and they don't have a lot of like
adult interaction. All of their interactions are with our like
eat this, do you want that? Take nap? Like and

(24:21):
just begging your child to want to nap as much
as you do. I just I just don't understand why
people want to do it. Yeah, I mean, I just
think it's I don't tell me what you think it is. Really? Instead,
I think I think no, I'm thinking I'm I think
you have to keep the family going. I think that's
a responsibility to not have your the family going. What

(24:43):
is wrong with people like this that is such a
selfish need to be like I want my lineage to
go on. I mean, I know we're all humans and
we want to make more thin. But like the opposite
of selfish, I think it's selfless to put yourself through
that to make sure that your family keeps going. I
don't know, I think that's what people like. I think
that's why people moved here from Russia and risk starvation

(25:08):
and got away from their motherland to start a family
and to grow a family and to keep that. I mean,
there's so much history behind where you're sitting right now.
If everyone goes, hey, you know, I'm gonna be selfish,
you never would have been sitting there. Yeah, but you
wouldn't know that I wasn't here, like saying there will
be someone else here, you know what I mean, Like

(25:29):
the fact. But this is all the argument I have
for when why people don't adopt and they're like, we
need to have our own, and they go through these
treatments because they need to have their own. And I
understand wanting to be pregnant, and some women really like
want that, but like, and I understand adoption is expensive,
but it's this need I want the thing to look
like me and to remind me of my dad and
look and have the same genetic code. And it's just

(25:52):
like it's so egotistical and yeah, and and this is
coming from a person who's just you know, I just
had people write dozens of essays about how I'm egotistical
and narcissists. So I don't understand why I don't have
this desire to keep my genetic code and d n
A and like keep it going. Do you think that
your sister didn't have kids you it would be you'd

(26:15):
feel more inclination to have them. No, I don't. And
but this isn't even about let's just let even say kids,
Like it's about there are kids that don't have homes,
Like why don't people have the like find a way
to have those kids in their lives And like if
you if you're so desperate to love something that much,

(26:35):
like everyone, you don't birth your own dog, yet you
still love it. Your dog doesn't have your genetic But
I think the adoption process is people say that all
the time, but then people go through in vitro and
spend five thousand dollars to go through that and then
tear up their pussies and do all this. Like you

(26:56):
can say it's it's tough, but it's really about I
don't want a baby that doesn't look like Oh, but
it might have um, you know, genetic mutations that we
can't It might have alcoholism or uh, you know, psychosis. Yeah,
look at your fucking family tree. You have that too, buddy.
It's all lurk. You can't guarantee your child's going to
be exactly like you, and God, let's let's hope it's not,

(27:19):
you know, like I hopefully it has better thumbs for sure. Like,
but I just think it's just I think there's a
embedded narcissism in human beings that we must need to
have so that we make care. But adopting, we just
stop having people. Why do animals? Why do chimpanzees have kids?
Why do they're not doing it so that you know

(27:42):
their their child has their legs? But maybe they are.
I think do you think it's about like I want
my baby to look like me. I've I've been with
guys before where I go, oh my god, our kids
would be so cute, and it's like, well, that's not
a reason to have kids. Yeah, I mean, I just

(28:03):
think the love for a kid. You you'd say it
all the time with you talk to parents and they go,
I never I knew what the love would be until
it looks Why I don't adopt then, like I said,
because adoption makes you love a kid less than that's
a whole other argument that we need to explore. And
maybe that is true, and people don't want to People
don't like to talk about that. I have I have

(28:24):
cousins that tried to adopt. They have they both had
great jobs, they both like the difficulty of a'm I
could be wrong, but they ended up adopting two kids
from Russia that like, we're two years old, that like
you could almost tell that these kids saw more in
like their first four years of life or whatever. That's
a good point. So I just I don't know. I mean,

(28:47):
I would say that that would be I just And
like you said, it could be expensive. You have to
fill out a form that's probably more than three pages,
which could be tough. That's always my argument as people go,
it's expensive and there's a lot paperwork, and it's just
like if you don't like paperwork and you don't like
spending money, you shouldn't have a kid anyway. Like I
just feel like if you can't do and that's maybe

(29:09):
that's your career, Like if you didn't love your job
as much, maybe you would need something to fill that void. Now.
Is that selfish? I don't think that's true, because there
are women that love their careers that want kids to
I just don't. I mean, and it's not that I
don't have the desire to have a guy coming me
when I'm having sex. There's like there's something about that

(29:30):
that I'm like, please come in my vaginant, Like there's
something biological that makes you want that to happen. So
I understand how people get pregnant, but I don't understand,
you know. And I'm sure people are just screaming at
me and not really liking this tirade. I'm not saying
I'm the one that doesn't get it, you know, like

(29:51):
I am the outlier here, Like I'm just looking at
this is the way I felt Intoloom when I was
like at that hotel, being like who would ever pay
for this to be to be in this bare bones,
shitty like hut in the woods. Who would pay thousands
and thousands of dollars for this experience? That is not
luxurious at all when you can go the four seasons

(30:11):
in Maui and be treated like a Saudi prince. So
that's the thing, is like I just don't understand, like
I want to understand, like I would understand why you
have been eating pizzas in our apartment for weeks. Every
single day you eat at least one pizza and we
don't have a pizza slicer. That's I don't understand that.

(30:33):
I mean, you know there's knives, knives I can I
could eat a whole, I could eat it from the crust.
I could do whatever I want, you know, but do
you would you prefer a slice of pizza that was
like easily slice? There's never adopt a little Italian boy
that will cut my pizzas. Maybe I'll do that right.

(30:55):
And also like an oven mitt, like there you have
struggled with the pizza coming out of the oven, and
you've never been compelled to buy an oven mitt Like
oven pizza guy. This is all very new to me.
Maybe I'll get a slicer, and I'll admit, maybe I'll
make a firestone pizza uh thing in the living room
next to your band practice, and we could have fun.

(31:18):
It could be part of our Instagram live. There's some
guys that build like fire pit pizza things outside that
are caused like thousands of dollars. That's how much he
wants to ignore as kids, That's what I'm saying. It's like,
why do you have kids if it all leads to
building some kind of beer brewery system in your back

(31:39):
shed so you can avoid them and like getting and
getting obsessed with golf so you don't have to hang
out with them. Like I just it's so funny to
me that people would take on It's like when people
climb like go you know, ice ice pick climbing or
something like that. It's like, why would you do that? What?

(32:00):
I just want to understand that. I want to understand
my fellow human because I feel so left out, you know,
I really do. I like I do a lot of
human things that people like, you know, people I know,
but that that makes sense to me. But the things
that I that other people do that they find joy,
and like, why can't I find joy in that. Why

(32:21):
can't When I'm watching a TV show and it sucks,
I don't give it eight episodes. I just tap out,
whereas you will watch the whole thing, Like I want
to understand that, Like, why keep going on something you
don't like? I don't really, I rarely do that. What
show have I done that? With? Mr Corman? Every show
you've watched, there's there's a lot of time. No, no, no,

(32:45):
there's been times they're they're terrible shows and you you complete,
Oh I do love not alone. People do that. Yeah,
but I don't think they're They're terrible in a good
way things can be, you know what I mean. Like
they're mind numbing. They're not genius writing. It's literally like, dude,
did you go to prom with Dave? That's an I
don't understand why people would watch that instead of like

(33:09):
VEEP or real reality TV is like because dude, it's
like when I watch What's the show that you love?
With Alec Baldwin and thirty Rock, It's just a lot
on your brain. It's so many jokes. It's like blah
blah blah blah blah blah. It's like, dude, just give
me some dumb writing like the o C a little
bit of drama, and I could just turn my dumb

(33:32):
noggin off for a minute. I just I don't. There's
something about me that makes me feel like I just
cannot watch dumb things. And I don't think reality TV
is dumb, Like I will take like I'm learning about
humans and behavior, so I don't when people say, well,
you watch rud t V, I'm like, it's not the
It's not Walker Texas Ranger, like this mind numbing, bad writing,

(33:56):
bad acting like things like that, like or Touched my Name,
like knows that people are soap operas. It's like, why
would you watch that? I just don't see the Georgia
and Jinny or whatever that show is that at the
Taylor Swift joke. I watched one scene of that. I go,
how could anyone enjoy this? It's absurd to be But

(34:16):
I know, I'm not saying like I'm an intellectual. I
only like thirty Rock. I just I get bored. Let's
get to the news. I like boredom. Oh boy, it's
Monday somewhere. It's Monday somewhere. Actually it's not. It's actually

(34:39):
not Monday anywhere right now. It's not even closed to Monday. Well,
in your head, you've you've been living on a different
calendar this week or last wee. I've been watching Texas
Ranger um all right. So see ice at the South
Pole has rebounded in to the levels of the Some
three deck aids Ago sciences are explaining sea ice is

(35:03):
coming back? Is this Trump's doctor saying this? That's got
it like in that weird coat with a long gray hair.
I don't believe any good climate change news. No Onah
sent me this as a positive story. Yeah, I mean

(35:23):
it sounds good, but there's just no way that any
good is happening. Can I tell you something I was
in I was in agreement with you, and that's so
I did another search. I typed in, is Noah correct?
And uh, I would love this to be real. So
the Antarctic is rebounding. The Arctic is falling apart for

(35:45):
some reason, something with mountains. I don't know what. I
didn't really get too into it. So one, I'm pretty
sure the Arctic is collapsing for other reasons other than mountains.
The mountains are very mountains of human waste that are
polluting the seas and causing you know, mountains of cow
waste that's causing carbon emissions that are making it rapid race.

(36:09):
That makes scientists like scientists are all buying suicide like
cyanide pills. Everyone knows it's the end, is no no,
no non. I Well, the Antarctic is coming back. So
if you're looking for a place to stay out of
four seasons, they're gonna start building them on where the
glaciers used to be. I mean, I'm guessing it's it's

(36:29):
uh because of climate change, like I bet, I'm guessing
it's like coming back in like almost a scary way,
not in a scary way. It doesn't seem to be.
It appears that oceanic cycles play major roles on Antarctic
sea ice veriability, not literally increasing CEO two, which we
don't know. And then there's some graph that Noah put
in that I have no idea what is their slope

(36:53):
and percentages and it's like a bar graph of some sort.
Maybe we could try to break this down, it would
be easier for the So that's that tells me nothing.
That was the richer scale of when Andrew and Brenna
we're getting it on next to Hubert Bruno what's the

(37:13):
dog's name, Hubert hubert Um. Yes, no, I know what
this is saying, so I guess that's I. Then it
goes down, and then it really goes down in two
thousand three, and then it starts coming back. Then it
went Really it looks pretty static to me. I mean,
it's like showing as many ups and downs. I just
don't believe that there is any good climate change news.

(37:35):
You guys, the world is like the world's not ending.
Humanity is being like you know, it's like when your
body gets a fever to burn off the virus. Yeah,
and then you can so that it kills off the
thing that's making it sick. And humans are making the
planet six so it's heating it up, like the planet
has a fever. When would you admit you're wrong if

(37:59):
a sign into were actually frong and the Earth was
like fine, like saying that this this. I believe that
it's getting better there, but I don't think that overall
looking good for old Mother Earth, you know what I mean,
Like you can you can have um stage five cancer

(38:20):
and your nail beds can look nice yeah yeah yeah,
or like your toe might not be broken, but you're
still gonna die. I don't know. My toe nails have
never looked better. I think I'm fine. That's a bad example.
I bet your nail beds would be pretty bad if
you had stage five cancer. And I'm not making light
of that, but I'm just saying, if you have a
terminal illness and but you have like rosy cheeks or like,

(38:44):
oh your eyelids are you know you have all your
eyebrow hair, people are gonna be like, well, I guess
that's a bad example to you know what I'm saying. Yeah, No,
it's gotta be weird to be dying like that and
like you wake up. I'm sure they're I've read some
things are not really at him, just heard you know,
from hubert Um in between the slodt and he goes,

(39:10):
you know some days on cancer, did you read about dying?
I don't know. It was probably during what was the
end of that thought? No, so cancer, like when you
have cancer, there's some days where you feel completely fine.
So it's got to be such a mind fuck to
like be like you wake up one morning, you're like, oh,
maybe it's gone, you know, and then it's like it's

(39:33):
like when you have to ship and then it goes
your stomach, ach goes away. Oh my god. Wow. Yeah,
that's actually a good analogy from two people who don't
know anything about cancer. Well, yeah, so I learned through osmosis,
you know. Oh yeah, because he passed because he had
you and you weren't adopted. Yeah. Because I have the
same dick as my dad, I know everything about hematology oncology.

(39:57):
Next story. Okay, yeah, is it the same as yours? Well,
I saw it when I was a kid. So a
dad's dick when you see we always see our dad's
dicks when our dicks are really small, so we think
they're so you think they're huge. Yeah, it's like the
Antarctic ice. Okay. A teen rescued a bumble bee with

(40:19):
a crumpled wing and now it won't leave her side,
even sleeping in a jar by her bed. This reminded
me of the video you posted recently. Wait, it's gotta
be the same thing, no different be Oh my god,
I'm obsessed with bees. Now if you guys go to
the Dodo, which is like that Instagram where they just

(40:39):
have like animals, beautiful animal videos that make you cry.
But when I posted the other day of this woman
rescuing a bee with no wings, a bumblebee. This be
like like music, it hangs out. Now now everyone's getting bees.
This one had a crumpled wing. Yeah, this one had
a crumpled wing. The other one had no wings. So
I guess if you're trying to get a bee on discount,

(40:59):
go with wingless or it's you know, all the bees
are dying and like disabled now anyway, So man, we
are turning positive news into very negative news. And no,
I love this, like if you can, if you if
you watch that B video, I just don't understand how
you can't can't be a vegan and like realized that

(41:22):
every single animal is capable of like deep connection and
a personality. It's like everyone. After I posted that B
video of this woman that found a b without wings,
she took it in, put it in a little terrarium.
She's like very self spoken and like this little bee.
They called her Ruby, I think, and she um she

(41:42):
liked music. She would play with the cat. It was
a bumblebee, you guys, without wings, And she learned how
to crawl and her legs got super jacked because she
was just crawling everywhere. So she looks like a little
cockroach and I know that's gross, but she was a
bumblebee and she liked to like sit on their shoulder
when they play music because the vibrations felt good and
so cute. And the bee only lives to be a
month and it lived like, you know, a week longer

(42:04):
than a month or something. But they cried for three
days when the b died because they like the be
at such a personality and they took care of it
all the time, and it was like so beautiful. And
everyone's like, you gotta watch the octopus teacher, and I'm
like no, because I will ruin every dinner with my
friends when they order calamari, which it gets ordered every

(42:25):
time I go out with people. People get calamari, and
I'll make everyone feel bad. I'll go that thing knows
math better than you do. That thing can do the
tip for our dinner better than yours, and fairness, so
does your broccoli? You know, no it doesn't. Oh, I

(42:45):
see what you're saying. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, then you
I think you were doing one of those things of
like planto feelings, improving the plants scream, well, what are
you gonna do when they prove that planto of feelings. Um,
I'm really going to actually have a hard time eating them.
That's the answer to that, because that's the right answer.

(43:06):
And get out of town with this. This woman left
her dog in a hot car for thirty seconds. You're
eating a cheeseburger, you fucking hypocrite up in a car. Yeah,
the U that you're burning diesel gas and killing the earth,
and but Antarctic is fine, it's coming back rebound Antarctica. Um, oh,

(43:35):
my god is so that's obviously the name of the
Antarctica is definitely the name of this. We got it,
We got it, we got it. Write it down. Um.
Here's the thing though, I think like some people become
friends with the animals that aren't supposed to be like friends,

(43:55):
and like, you know, animals domesticated until we decided it is. Yeah,
we're this particular be. The girl tried to put the
b back at the park. She spent an hour at
the park trying to set the be free in like
a flower bed or something, and then he just kept
coming back to her. I mean this sounds like your
friend with the hotel cat. Yeah, but different because that

(44:18):
woman would have been searching for that cat. God send
me a sign that this cat belongs in my life.
Here kitty, Kitty, kitty opening in the bushes. I don't
know why it was so attracted to me energy and
all the catnip I had around my necklace. I want

(44:39):
to see someone become a friend with a wasp. Then
I'll be impressed, you know what I mean, like something
really mean. There are people are terrified of bees, but
you know when people have spiders as pets all the time.
That's true, that's true, But not like someone who becomes
friends with a house centipede. I might like if it
didn't have legs. Those things as a vegan, those are

(45:03):
the only animals that I go, fuck that thing. Fuck it.
I won't kill one, but I sure will because but
it's only because I don't want to even get close
enough to it to kill it. You would chill with
a scorpion? Will fuck you up? I like scorpions. Do
you remember, Oh no, you weren't there. You know that
um club we did in New Mexico? Yeah? Yeah, Do

(45:24):
you had a scorpion on stage? Right? Yeah? There were there.
I was on stage and all of a sudden, there
was a swack to the right of the stage and
I go, what the hell? It's und like a gunshot
and I go, what was that? He goes scorpion and
I go what and he he had a flip flop
in his hand. He took his flip flip off and
I go, first of all, you were wearing flip flops
to my show front row? How dare you start? And

(45:47):
he goes, I listen, I don't respect your show. I
was the guy that posted on Reddit and I was like, actually,
good point. So he swacked this thing. I go and
I go, or is it dead? And he goes, yeah,
I got it, and I go why He's like, why
would you kill that? It was so mad because I've
never even seen the scorpion and now this one is dead.
And I picked it up and I kept it and
um with the scorpion with a deadly kind of scorpion though,

(46:10):
like what if it's sucked me up? But it was.
I didn't pick it up by a singer. People go, oh,
I'm picking it up by its talent and it's dead
and this talents don't have stinging it up on stage? Yeah,
And people go, oh my god, you guys, it's dead.
What is what are you talking about but these guys
that try to become a friend with like grizzly bears
and like it ends either like I don't know, it's

(46:33):
just wild in me. You know, I'm someone beautiful video.
I love it. I love seeing like a big grizzly
man rolling around with a grizzly bear. And for that
one video where the guy's like, hey, I'm John, I'm
just here is bunny and we want to thank you
for don't. I think there's a hilarious Reddit video where
this guy is trying to do a commercial for conservation.

(46:54):
No have you seen it? Oh my god? How can
we find that? The bear keeps messing up to take
by almost him like the playfully but like and the
guy just says, cannot get this bear to stop like
bear commercial p s a blooper. Well that's the thing

(47:16):
with bears. They maull you once you're dead. A bee
and it doesn't die a beato if it's stings. A
lot of bees they sting you once they're dead, you
know what I mean. Oh yeah, that's an interesting thing
that a bear. Yeah, bear doesn't like maulling you once
and then it's like and then it had to go
off and die. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point and

(47:38):
probably stop mauling you as much. So maybe bees aren't
that nice. They're just selfish. Okay, I'm looking for the
bear Blooper because it's so funny. We gotta fund Bloomer.
Such a funny term. Bart the Bear. That's it, Bart
the Bear outtakes there. It is no what will you
play it wrong? Companion friend, Bark the Bear, You're good.

(48:05):
You may brou and this is my lifelong friend and
companion guy. Let's tell you about it was like a
big guy off, get off. Hi. My name is Doug

(48:31):
SEUs and this is my life. Now hold it keeps going.
My name is Doug Seuss and this is my lifelong friend,
Bark the Bear. You may recognize him as an actor.
He might be big and strong, but he's also a
cancer survivor. Want to tell you how grateful we are

(48:55):
for the overwhelming companions to the professional doctors and staff
in the Calade State. Look, he's almost through University Animal
Cancer Center. Parts continue to save rives called today fight. Oh,
my name is Doug Shoes. You gotta look a part

(49:18):
of the barrettson one of my favorite videos I've ever
made me big and strong. You might recognize it as
an actor. He also it's a chacter grateful we are
for the overwhelming compassion and the professional No, it is
great and this is one of my favorite videos ever
on the internet. I honestly think it is called Today

(49:46):
and is pulling him to the ground, scream you were
okay wherever you are, God, you're fighting you spared out.
I'm like, finger, keep down, all right, we gotta keep going.
This is I mean, this video the bear in space.

(50:16):
What if he just killed him right here? Oh my god, Look,
I'm sorry if this is like terrible, but this be
biting this guy. This bear could snap this guy's head
and aff and he just keeps biting the guy's head

(50:37):
like his full mouth goes around this old man stip.
That's what I'm saying. Man, these people they're just freaking
no what you gotta watch the whole video. The funny
part is is like that goes on for ten minutes,
like of just clip after clip of this guy going hi,
I'm Doug Suites and this is Bark Shop at Bark

(51:01):
and the one time he almost gets through the whole thing,
and then it just Bart always betrays him two seconds
before he's done, He's like called one eight eight got park.
You bit me hot that time? But you bit me hot?
What a man? What a man's man. There was that
one guy that lived with real grizzly bears, like out

(51:23):
in the wood. Yeah, and there's just a video of
him getting malled to death. That was like and he
didn't show it in the video in the movie it's
called Grizzly Man. Yeah, guy that lived amongst the grizzly bears.
I never watched that because it was just so sad
that the guy got malled because he loved him so
much and believed he was a bear. He was kind
of like Michael Jackson with children, where you were like

(51:44):
he's in love with bears in a way, like and
it was creepy. You know, he's the guy what did
you say? Like he's like how Michael Jackons thought he
was a little kid. Yeah, And just like I just
like being around children. How does how does Kyle Donagan
do the prison chilling children? He does it with the

(52:05):
t children? Um so uh yeah, the Grizzly Man. I
just always remember hearing that that documentary ends with his girlfriend.
They were like we're going to get rid of the footage.
We're going to destroy the footage because no one ever
needs to see this man like eating alive, because he
would set up cameras and so they have his malling

(52:25):
on camera. And before they destroy the footage, she they
put a video on her of her like listening to it,
and she's just like listening with headphones and she's just
like I can't take them off. And so I've watched that.
I like morbid ship like that, like watching people watch
things other than watching them myself. I like the director

(52:47):
and producer going, you know, I don't know how this
is gonna end. I don't know if we're gonna I
don't know if he's gonna like run around like how
are we gonna end this? And then he's like I
got it. I got it that. Yeah. They he gets
all to death and they're like, um, so last night
we got our ending. Um we got were wrapped on

(53:09):
production because oh it is John sleeping end today sort of.
Um so you know how yesterday he was like like alive,
Well today um so tragic. Let's go let's take a
quick break and then come back with why do I care?

(53:38):
All right? Andrew I'm dougs. Wait, what's that guy's name?
Barn Doug Zeue and this year's bark Andrew. Let's get
to why do I care? Why do I care? Bart? Um, Joe,
Joe Seewa, We'll make Dancing with the Stars history. Is

(54:00):
the first female contestant to be paired with a female dancer. Hello,
who's her partner? Um, you don't know yet? Let me
see you announced againsting Lindsay Arnold, m Brittany maybe Brittany. Um,
that's really exciting, Um, Jojoeut No, I'm just kidding. That

(54:24):
was we could take that out. I go off. This
show couldn't get any gay or No, that's fine, leave
that and that's that's that's appropriate. Um. But yes, who
would you who would you have picked on your season?
If you could dance with a girl that was a
little less harried than Gleb oh Man. Gleb was pretty beautiful, like, um,

(54:50):
probably searn probably Sharna because she's a winner and like
really scary, and I would probably need someone to kind
of scare me. Or maybe Whitney because she actually was nice.
So no, I take that back, she was nice. But
Jojo Seewa, I love her she came out. She was like,

(55:10):
you know, she's like that girl with blond hair that
wears like ponytails and like just like were's weird things
in her hair and like it's just like so upbeat
and like fun and we're sparkles and stuff. And now
she's gay and she's like loving life and I'm just
really happy for and yeah, Dancing with the Stars, they're
talking about the season coming up and speculating about who's

(55:33):
you know, being paired with who it's a big top
secret and it's just like, um, who cares? Honestly, like
who cares? Dancing with a man? I never thought I
would love it, but then I danced with Gleb when

(55:53):
he taught us our dance, and seconds I knew I
had a little inkling of what you went through for
a month and your boy was there was a chub
going on in my pain. I mean, I was turned
on by this man. This man, are you serious? Like
you felt you? You really were like, wow, this guy
is powerful and like hot and it was hot. It
was kind of hot, Like he's a sexy man. He's

(56:15):
like it's it's hard to argue that it's like a
sexy like Rottweiler. You know, like I'm I was very
like impressed by the strength and the beauty, Like yeah,
I could, I could acknowledge like that it was hot,
you know, even though I wasn't like wanting to bang them.
Well that's the thing is like dancing is such a

(56:36):
sexual and like intimate thing, so much touching, so much
like rubbing and dipping and all those and fucking what
um that you like, you could be attracted to any
anyone teaching you dancing because it's just you spend so
much time. I feel like you could fall in love

(56:56):
with anyone if you just like cuddle with them all day,
you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like a
wrong guy anything you could have like a like a
physical attraction, especially if they're physically like perfect. Yeah, it's
not gay to fully spoon with a man, is it?
Like without sexual touch, just beheld by a man and petted.

(57:18):
So I don't know. I mean, I think most I
think we would be uncomfortable with that. Most straight men
would be uncomfortable with that because of society saying that's wrong.
But like no, I think cuddling is like something that
we started doing and like doing to stay warm. Yeah,
I hug my guy feel but yeah, a good hug

(57:40):
from my guy friends that are bigger to me, and
I could get in his nook. It's great. I'll get
right in there that little nook. I love it. Many
hug Yeah, dude, hugs are great. I love a good
hug where you just don't want to let go. Yeah,
but it's rare that I like, I often feel about
us the way I feel about massages. Like this person

(58:02):
doesn't want to hug as long as I want to,
so I like give up quicker because I'm like, you know,
they don't want to do this. But maybe it's like me,
Like I remember Amy Schumer wrote when she was writing
her memoir, she wrote a bunch of like things about
her friends. She really chapters about her friends, and she
sent them to us and this didn't make her book,

(58:23):
but it like told me something about myself. And she
was like Nikki h what did she say? It was
like Nikki needs to be hugged, but she'll let go
before she wants to, or something like that. And I
was like, WHOA, I didn't know that about myself. I thought.
I was like really like mmmmm, she's like Nikki is
is loving and like loves to be hugged and like

(58:45):
wants it, but she will always let go before she
would like to. And I was like, damn, girl, you
just diagnosed me like a decade before I could diagnose
myself with that kind of ship man. That was. That
was a foreshadowing. Yeah, totally. And I need a Bart
the Bear that will just maul me intermittently. I am

(59:06):
like Bart the Bear, Like I'll just sit next to
you and then go I want it, and then I'll
back away and then I'll bite your head. I wonder
if Doug Zeus is still alive. Oh my god, that
would be so funny if we did it, like seems
like frame for frame, like the exact same kind of

(59:26):
mauling and you like, bite my head. We gotta get
to top one, bottom one. Today's segment, Top one, bottom one.
What's the category? Noah, we know it's not song lyrics.
Today's categories. Something you did for yourself recently? All right,
this is a good one. Um, something you did for
yourself recently which you only think of as like in

(59:47):
a positive way, like, oh I did something for myself.
That's good. Um. I uh do you guys, do you
want to kick us off with bottom or top. You
do this every week. We've never once started with top ever.
I know I thought you would left turn it then

(01:00:09):
I'd burnt the barrett and just bottom. I would say, uh,
I would say bottom, Uh what did I do recently?
Not pull out the rack? Yeah, I would say the
rack thing. I would say, I had a trouble again
that pizza out? Which No, honestly, what's the worst thing

(01:00:31):
you did for yourself this week? Um or recently? I
think just like, uh god, I can't can know what
go first? I had a topic. Yeah, I thought you
were ready. That's why you were stalling by going bottom
or top. That that was you stalling even though you
knew the answer. You know what, what's your bottom thinking?

(01:00:51):
I think it just now? Just ye just now? Is
not preparing for the segment? Oh no, no blowing my dog?
Oh god, yeah, Tippy, your tongue gambling would have forgot that,
I know, an idiot. And then is your tops swallowing

(01:01:14):
your dogs? Coumk christ I will say that I was
cuddling Luigi yesterday and like really like having a moment
because he just like seemed so like sad and I
was just like come me or you want to be held,
and I just gave him like a hug and we
were laying on the ground and like he was really
just like I was laying on my back on the ground.
He was on me like like and his I put

(01:01:35):
my shoulder up so he could rest his head, and
I was just like, I love you, buddy, And I
was just like having just giving him my time because
I'm always distracted on a phone playing guitar and he
never like gets just like concentrated time, no distractions, not
watching TV, just staring at the wall, holding my dog,
saying I love you, kissing his head. And then I

(01:01:55):
got up and he had a raging boner and I
was like, I don't know, like his lipstick was out
so far. I haven't even seen his lipstick for so long.
He was like legit turned on you guys. And then
I gave him the blue balls because I was not
in the mood. Sorry, um, you know at the time,

(01:02:21):
I've made my dog cam right, yeah, come again. He
one time I was holding him during a podcast. This
was when I had a podcast called not Safe, um
for my not Safe show, and he was sitting in
my lap. He got a lipstick, and Dan Saint Germain
and Brian Frangie, my co host, were like, gross, Luigi's
lipstick is out, and I was just like, guys, shut up.

(01:02:41):
His penis sheath. It has a larger hole than most dogs,
so it slips out more often. That's what the vet
told me, um, and they were like gross, we I
don't want to look at that thing. And I'm just like, okay, fine.
So I took Luigi's paw and I like tapped around
it because I thought I could spook it back in
if I like tapped around you know what I mean,
like it would just go in because it was like
being threatened by a paw. And so he took his

(01:03:03):
own paw and then he ejaculated. Andrew, I'm not kidding you.
White stuff came out of Luigi's penis and we all
saw it, and I jacked my own dog off with
his own pa. Have you told this on stage? Yeah,
he's awful, but you just like I like it. This

(01:03:30):
is a true story and it happened live on a podcast.
I think it still exists. You can hear it. You
would have saw it like like a dog doesn't like
did you think like you know when a dog chases
its own tail because it doesn't realize it's his own tail.
You were trying to make this dog think like his
own claw wasn't his own claw, you know what I mean,
He's not gonna be afraid of his own hand. I

(01:03:51):
taught him how to masturbate, essentially. You know the guy,
the guy that stabbed me, His dog would blow itself.
Some dogs blow themselves to complete I mean I think
they just lick there junk. Maybe they maybe it's pleasure,
but they're probably cleaning it. I mean he cleaned it
until stuff came out. I mean, not every dog cleans
his penis. That's like a thing. Okay, would at least

(01:04:13):
least least good thing you did for yourself lately. No, uh,
listen to this conversation produced this podcast not cut us
off from talking about blowing our dogs. Um, try to
submit positive topics only, yeah, I mean, jesus, you were
like Today's IT Show where it's only going to be positive.

(01:04:37):
I tried it, lad to like us talking about insect incest. Okay,
go on, all right, Um, so just thinking of something recently,
I just like had a day where I only ate
funians and nothing else what and I know that it
was wrong, Like it just is what your body was craving. Yeah,

(01:05:02):
it was just what you had around and you were lazy.
I was um like it was after being like really sick,
and I'm just like I only want to eat funians,
you know what fans sometimes like it would bother me.
I think Andrew might do that because it's the only
thing he has around and he doesn't want to walk
to the store. But like, if that's what your body
was craving, no problem with it, because I think that

(01:05:24):
that's we just need to intuitively eat and be like
what does my body want? Like there was something about salty,
like tangy, dry, crunchy that you need it, like your
body was like you have in the house. Yeah, I

(01:05:44):
had a couple. I had like a couple of large bags.
I've never had a funny in I don't think whoa
because they always remind me of onions as a kid,
and then once I get to adult age, I don't
like snack food and like highly caloric fried things. So
that think of that breath of yours after a day

(01:06:06):
of funyans had to be intense, no comment Funians all day? Okay, Andrew.
I mean that's a great answer. Would you ever put
funans around obvious penis and then bite them off? When
I don't even know how much a funion like a

(01:06:28):
ring of a Funyon is. It depends which one really
do you like? Funan? Andrew? I mean, I'm not afraid
of funians. There weren't my number one even close, But
I like them when I ate them, I like a
disgusting food. You will literally eat anything in front of you.
I'm not kidding. Like. One of the things about you

(01:06:49):
that I just find soaper plexing is that you will
just you'll settle for anything. Yeah, if it's there, Macaroni salad,
any kind of mannaise salad. I would rather eat a
scorpion than eggs salad, or like a man easy potato salad,
like any kind of those salads that aren't salads. We

(01:07:12):
are so different yet so alike in so many ways. Man,
I mean, that is the grossest thing. Those eggs, salad,
egg salads, anything that's at a barbecue as a side
is deviled eggs or even on the you probably hate
deviled eggs, boy, Deviled eggs are legit my least favorite food.
What about a salad. I was with my friend last night.

(01:07:32):
He got deviled eggs at Whole Foods to like eat,
like for dinner if you're getting like just dinner sex.
He got a Whole Foods or at deviled eggs, And
I was like, do you know that's the number one
food that if you know, I don't need it because
I'm vegan, but if I weren't, I would. It's my
fear factor food. I would rather eat a grub out
of a log than a deviled egg. And I'm I'm

(01:07:54):
and that's an exaggeration, but not much. Yeah, well, I
don't know, slimy mayonnaisy. Okay, Andrew, what's the worst thing
you did for yourself? Probably hear you not like deviled eggs?
I how much? How many times are we going to
do this joke where we talk about the thing is
the worst thing that just happened? We can skip Andrew
and go right to Nikki. Yeah, what did your bottom?

(01:08:15):
Nick uh? Reading Reddit comments? I mean like just seeing
a thing that I didn't like and going like let
me just click and read and see what it is,
and then like not being able to stop, Like that
was self harm in a way that like I've is
just you. You can't there's there's I don't mean to

(01:08:37):
be like you, but no one can understand. But there's
so few people out there and I and honestly, I'm
on the low spectrum of it in terms of like
Noah sent me um Monica Lewinsky ted talk and I
was like, oh my god, I wanted to like hurt
myself yesterday based on all the or you know on
Thursday when you're listening to this, when I was reading

(01:08:58):
all or Wednesday night, when I was reading all the
um these things about me, I like was compelled, like
I know this sounds terrible, and I'm sorry to disclose this,
but I wanted to cut myself, and I like I
was looking for something, like I was thinking about where
can I cut myself on my body? Slicer asshole every

(01:09:20):
time I get vulnerable, and you had to come in
with some little quip, and yes, it would make my
life a lot easier. I'm sure people have cut them,
but I was I was starting to think of like
where are my body can I cut myself? And I've
only cut myself one time in my life when I
got caught shop lifting, and I just felt like I
was the worst person in the world because this woman

(01:09:42):
screamed at me, and I like, you know, like when
when I feel like I'm a bad person and there's
proof of it, which I read a lot of proof
the other day, I was just like, you need to
be punished, Like there's no you can't go to jail
for this. You can't like, no one's gonna yell at you.
None of your friend are going to yell at you
about it, like, and the punishment was that, you know, like,

(01:10:04):
why can't that be enough? My I used to say
this in my therapist one time I spilled water on
my computer. I've given this example a lot, but it
might help some people because it helped me. I spilled
water on my brand new computer just it opened it.
I'm not even getting you like, took it out of
the thing, and then within ten minutes spilled an entire
glass of water that was sitting next to it on it,
and I was I had to go do a set.

(01:10:25):
I didn't even have time. I like, you know, I
was drying it out and I was on my way
to my set and I walked by a dog and
I was dying for this dog to bite me because
I was just like you need to be punished for
what you've just done, like you're such an idiot. And um,
I told my therapist that, and she was like, isn't
the punishment losing your computer? Isn't that enough, like losing
that spring time, like that's a punishment like that. People

(01:10:47):
doll out as like you don't get your computer anymore.
I'm like, oh, that makes sense. So it wasn't the
punishment enough, like reading these things that hurt me. But
I didn't cut myself. I did find, um some scissors,
and I was thinking about where I could do it,
and then I was like, I went at my word
on my like thing again on my knee. But that
wasn't that when I cut that that is not like

(01:11:09):
me trying to self harm, and so it just wasn't
doing the trick, and so I, um, so I just
like I put it down, and I was I called
a friend and then I and then I slept next
to the scissors, not even knowing that like I forgot
about them there there. And then the next morning I
was like, oh my god, I can't believe you grabbed
scissors to like hurt yourself. But that's and and I'm
only sharing that because it's such a rare thing. I

(01:11:29):
haven't done that since I was eighteen or nineteen and
got caught shoplifting. So, um, if you if you do
self out of the mouth and then you know, last year,
I like punched myself and like sometimes I want to
hurt myself and in the in the chase, face and
chest and like just like I was so depressed last
year and like aiated myself so much. I didn't want
to punch my face because I was scared it would

(01:11:50):
like leave a mark and people would see it. So
I was just like beating up my body. I mean,
like this, I'm I'm kind of funked up, you guys,
and like, please don't write mean things about me. I
like can't take it. But the thing is, I'm not
going to do that anymmore. And I didn't cut myself.
I called a friend because I know that that's not
how I want to behave and like what I want
to be. And I don't have any place to go,

(01:12:13):
Like you when you cut yourself, like there's people are
gonna see it. I don't want to leave injuries on myself. Um,
So that's my worst thing. But that's for a wart
excision and that's different. No, over you so happy. Yeah.
If you start seeing like just awards that, I'm like, no,
they're just like lines like in multiple segments on my wrist.

(01:12:36):
You should start being speculative. No, what's the best thing
you did for yourself? Top one? Uh? Top one? Recently.
So there's a lot of things about a house that
I don't know and that I have to take care of.
And when I speak to people on the phone, like
or you know, like if if they come down like
landscapers or whatever, they can say whatever to me, and

(01:12:59):
I would just be like, yeah, sure, whatever you say.
And I started to feel kind of like, Okay, I
don't like being in this like dark room with no
light or you know, like like just not knowing. So
I went to the bookstore and I got a book
on like, uh, homes and like learning about like foundations

(01:13:19):
and pipes and stuff like that. Yeah. So I have
a girl that's amazing. Yeah. So I found that and
it's UM and I browsed some other books. I got
a really good book on um mentoring using the Book
of Tao, which I really liked reading a couple of
years ago. So I'm just trying to kind of look

(01:13:40):
away from my phone and negative comments which I look
at too. They're not about me because I'm not famous
or anything, but I just get like sucked into this
vortex of negativity on on social media. So I'm trying
to like read more books and just kind of empower
myself with as much information as I can retain. I
love that books are, like they really do make you

(01:14:04):
get off your phone if it's like a physical book,
and like they open you up to a world that yeah,
that reading is is the best escape. It really is.
It's and then you can you just cut yourself with
paper cuts. Um no, but it's true, Like reading is
so good. And I downloaded the book yesterday. Um so
you've been publicly shamed by John Ronson about people that

(01:14:29):
have been canceled or you know, and I felt yesterday
or the other yeah, yesterday that I had been like
I was on the verge of like these people that
were writing were the same kinds of people that cancel
people and want to destroy their lives. Like these people
actively wanted me to try to like they were cyber
bulling me and like in a way that like they

(01:14:49):
they knew that it would could potentially make me like
harm myself. It was. It was definitely get a lot
out of Monica Lewinsky's ted tuk. It's called The Price
of Shame and she talks about public a humiliation. Yeah,
I think it'll be when I was I didn't finish
this though, but when you sent that and I go, wow,
if if what Heaven and Me has sent me for

(01:15:10):
that kind of loop where I want like reached for
fucking scissors. What could have Monica Lewinsky of dealt with
when she was twenty two? And how much hate and
how much ridicule she got. No one was on that
woman's side. No one, And like if she survived it,
I can survive some Reddit comments. And she didn't have
a forum back then to get her point across. I

(01:15:33):
know she didn't have any like that woman. I would
love to meet her someday and like, yeah, she's she's incredible.
She's truly what a survivor she is. And like we all,
including myself, I used to like I think she was,
you know, like I used to have preconceived notions about her,
and now I think she's a true American hero. Um Andrew,

(01:15:56):
best thing you did for yourself? I traded in my
golf clubs for better clubs that I had. First, they
were a little expensive and I didn't think I deserved them,
and I said, you know what your deserve love and
it comes with a pitching wedge through four iron and
uh and boy, uh was I happy about the investment

(01:16:19):
hitting them on the range. And it's just it's just invested.
I don't know. I just felt good to treat myself
a little and feel like I was deserving of it. Yeah,
and like you, it was it a bad and like,
was it an investment that was financially irresponsible for you?
I don't think so. I don't think so. I think
it's like I don't really spend money on a lot

(01:16:41):
of things. I really don't, so I felt so I
felt like, you know what, this is something you do
almost every day, you know it. And I'm not gonna
buy other clubs now for at least three months, so
I know now, you know, But like, yeah, no, I
I know that wasn't even a joke. Yeah, I know,

(01:17:02):
but no, I watched things up all the time. I do,
I do, but I really I really don't spend that
much money. So I just felt like I deserved and
it felt good to not uh to let myself do it.
So yeah, I like that. Um, the best thing I
did for myself was um, I think I think talk

(01:17:24):
about as hard as it was, like talk about I
was feeling yesterday because the outpouring that I got from
all the best season the people that I keep sending
comments like has been has lifted my spirits so much.
I just want to say thank you to everyone. Final thought,
Uh you I I expected to hear from some of
you about how I got emotionally yesterday and like to

(01:17:47):
um tell me everything is okay and all that stuff,
and you know, I was like, I don't even know
if I want to hear that, like it might not
make me feel better, but it truly did. So many
people wrote, including Noah like and all my like for
ends followed up and like really were there for me
my darkest time. So I really appreciate that and like
the best seas that you guys don't even know me

(01:18:08):
and like like you know personally and the things you
wrote me were nicer than most people get from their
actual friends in life. So it's like, it's so awesome
that I have so many people that that feel that
connected to me and that can like make me feel
like they're truly they love me and like and feel

(01:18:28):
loved from strangers like that, Like I felt the opposite
of it. And then and you know, sometimes you don't
let the negative in or the positive and as much
as the negative, and it's hard to do that, but
like I truly like lead in the positive and read
so many like I. You know, usually when people send
towers of text, I can't get through it, but these
I really made sure to read all of them, and

(01:18:50):
they all you guys are so I go my my
fans like and I said this about the Reddit people
that said mean things. They were very articulate and well spoken.
And these are well written, all the insults, which is
always it hurts more than when someone's like, you're you're
ugly and they spell it why oh you are you know?
And I go, oh, well, this person is a moron.
It's you you are ugly? Um. But these Reddit comments

(01:19:14):
were so like well written. I was like, God, smart
people don't like me, but dude, fuck those smart people
who don't like me that can write, you know, intelligible sentences.
My besties that wrote me and said nice things we're
just like so thoughtful and empathetic and so like they
all seem to be trained in some sort of like
trauma therapy. Like everyone was so compassionate. Like I just

(01:19:38):
have a horde of support that even if you had
one person like this writing to you, it would change
your entire day. I had dozens, and they can they
keep pouring in and it means so much to me,
and like, I just can't thank you all enough. And
I didn't expect it, and I certainly didn't want to. Um,

(01:20:01):
I didn't want to you to feel like you had
to do that. And so I'm gonna accept it and
not say that I don't deserve it. I really appreciate
it because it makes me feel like, um, you're getting something.
The only reason you would ever write the things that
you wrote to someone like me is if you cared
about that person. And so I feel really cared about
by just strangers, and it's like it's just the best feeling.

(01:20:21):
And someone wrote to me that someone who had said
that my A d D meds were ruining my personality
and like someone needs to tell her, but she's on cocaine.
That they did a deep dive on on their Reddit account,
and that person is a recovering Heroin addict, so projection
it is like my what I thought it was. And listen,

(01:20:45):
I'm I talked to my doctor and I'm coming up
with a plan. So all of this made me like
face some things, for sure, but it's nice to know,
Like I wasn't gonna go and I read a deep
dive and like searts their accounts to see what other
things they had posted about. But someone did that for me,
and that just gave me so much relief knowing that
that person that said all those ugly things about my

(01:21:06):
being medicated, um said that. You know, that person was
recovering Heroin added and I'm sorry for that person, Like
they've been through a lot and they're projecting it onto me,
which you know fucking happens. I talked to my therapist yesterday.
I don't that was a thing that like so grateful
getting back into therapy. That was something that Noah steered
me towards and was like like had mentioned about like

(01:21:28):
picking up the I was gonna say phone but my
computer and emailing my therapist that I kind of called
it quits with or like went on a hiatus with
getting hyaenus with getting her back on the line. Talking
to her yesterday was awesome. And I just therapy works.
Reaching being honest and reaching out and asking for help works. Um,
if it's the right people, So please do that in

(01:21:50):
your own lives and um and yeah, I someone mentioned
to me that was like, you know, I found that
when I talked about I, I I understand like being
really insecure about the stigma of being on a d
D meds and like, people will judge you for it,
but they only will judge you if they know that
you're on them. So just don't tell people that you're

(01:22:11):
on them anymore. So right now, I'm choosing to keep
that to myself. And if I'm on them or not
is not going to be I'll probably admit to you
if I am or I'm not, but I'm gonna try
to keep that private. Like, my choices of medication are
none of anyone's business but my own. And you know,
my loved ones will be the ones that notice a

(01:22:33):
change in me and like can talk to me if
something is wrong and I don't need to hear it
from you know, ex drug addicts on Reddit who are
like art someone goes most people are just jealous. You
feel good like the people want to feel good too,
and they're jealous. And you can say, no, I'm not jealous.
I do that all the time too where I go.
I'm not jealous, I'm just mad. It's like, no, look

(01:22:55):
look at where this is coming from. If you see
me a boner, just no that I might still be
on viagra, but I might not be. I just want
everyone to know that it's up in the air. My
boner could just be from Hubert literally drinking a bowl.
So it could be from the time that I cuddled

(01:23:15):
you next to Luigi said you're a good boy, and
you just you know. Sometimes that's arousing, as we know
from my EXA for me yesterday. That's for me. Okay,
So I might have taken too many milligrams a viagara
that I injected through the vein and my penis to
get it going. Keeping it m sincere Andrew, love you

(01:23:37):
so much, and guys, thank you for listening to the podcast.
As always. Oh it's it's it's not Friday. It is
Friday here, but it's Monday here. We'll be back tomorrow.
I think Andrew will be in studio with me. We'll
both be together again. We'll recap his trip to Connecticut,
we'll reach trip, my trip to Las Vegas, and I
can't wait for it. Thank you so much. Don't be

(01:23:58):
out there and jigit Yeah. Accrofts