December 6, 2022 • 41 mins
During Part 2, my guest continues to share her story about her stay and departure from the religious boarding school. She shares details on transiting back to school, running into an OG, and how becoming a school psychologist led her to her full circle moment.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,
(00:35):
Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from
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(01:19):
To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward
slash the PSD podcast now. Please keep in mind that
all of my guests are noness so listen again this
week's episode. So and then they yeah, they ended up
restraining me for not long after that, and then the
person who was with me my person because she sold
(01:40):
like you have to restrain the other girls, Like if
he says get on them, if you don't get on them,
you're gonna restrain right next to that bitch. So my
my person was crying, like holding me down, crying, and
he's yelling at her like if she's not crying out
in pain, you're not a prying enough question, you're gonna
be right next to her. So like she's applying more
(02:01):
and more pressure, just crying. Like so like a lot
of these girls like we're like now like trauma bonded,
so like a lot of times like so we still
speak to this day, um, especially like me and that girl,
and she's always like, oh my gosh, like I love
you so much, Like I hated him after that. So
that because a lot of them girls like they like
they looked at him like a father figure. Like they
really was like brainwashing people. Like I remember I had
(02:25):
told them because I always wanted to be a psychologist, um,
like from very very like young, like I knew I
wanted to help people in that way. And I remember
like they were we were having like a class and
like what women were supposed to be and that we're
just supposed to be to help me and we're just
supposed to get married and their children and support our husbands.
And then I was like, well, what if you want
to be a psychologist because that's why I wanted to be,
(02:47):
And he was like, oh, psychology is of the devil
and all these mental health issues are like fake and
like it's just people sinning. And if we didn't sin,
and we weren't you know, communicating with the devil, everything
would be okay. But this is the type of ship
that they was like spoon feeding us and we're all young,
like all of us was like in high school or younger.
(03:08):
Like one kid she was like that didn't I don't
know what the a seven year old did to get there,
like because these girls, like I was the only one
that was in there for more like gang activity and
being violent, but the rest of them girls, they were
just having sex and doing drugs. So what then did
the seven year old do? Right? I was reading some
(03:29):
of the articles and there is a lot of and
it's still going on, like it's still the allegations are
still depending, like they about to go to trial or
like they I was like, oh my god, did you
see any of the girls get sexually abused or that
you were they talking about it when you was there?
They were talking about it when I was there. When
(03:50):
I was there, I never saw it. But some girls
would disappear, so like remember how I told you we
have to walk into some for some reason. Sometimes some
girls didn't have to be in twos. They could go
to either his office on their own and they will
be gone for hours. And at other times there was
(04:11):
another male employee there and the girls would disappear with
that male employee. And typically it was the girls with
the higher ranking shirts that would be taken away. And
I guess because they were kind of feeding them, like
oh you have all these privileges because those girls got
to do more. Um. So I guess that was like
how they you know, kind of like groom them. Um.
(04:36):
But I remember something I used to see that like
always made uneasy. He used to have this one girl,
she's beautiful. She used to have him rub his head
so she was like bald, and like he would dead
have her because she was mine. She was my person,
like the person who has to stay with me. She
would um. So it would be both of us in
the room, and I would have to stand in a
(04:56):
corner and he would ask her to just rub his head,
and his wife would just be fucking sitting there, and
I'm just like I just remember, like this's not weird
to nobody, Like why she rubbing his head? Like you
have a wife right there, you have a daughter, Like
why you got one of us rubbing your head? And
that's crazy. Reading a recent article how the daughter came
(05:19):
out and she's confirmed a lot of things that's going
that went on there, and it's crazy because you I
kind of started seeing her progression like while I was there,
because when I was first, like when I first got there,
she was a fucking bitch, Like she was like calling
people to get restrained every two seconds, like because she
was our age, so she's like our age and like
(05:41):
technically a staff member. Um. And then she had did
something wrong. I think she tried to run away or something,
and then her dad put her in a black shirt,
so he started treating her like one of us, and
a black shirt is like bottom of the bottom. Um.
So after that, she kind of like she started being
like nicer to us, like after she got off the
(06:02):
black shirt and she started being like a staff member again.
I guess she kind of started being nice to us
and kind of like you would see like her kind
of like arguing with her parents like yo, that's not okay,
like why did you guys do that? And things of
that nature. Um. But yeah, it was really her who
got this whole thing started. M hm. It was. It's
really wild, like because like who would have thought, like
(06:24):
it's their daughter because we all like we spoke about
it like as adults, like we would like y'all remember
all that ship we went through. And then like that's
when I started hearing about like all the sexual allegations.
Like it was like, yeah, well like he raped me? Um,
and I was like he did what? Like I was
like really and it was like yeah, Like I didn't
tell anyone because the other problem was girls would run
(06:47):
away and they would like go to like they would
get to the Sheriff's department or stuff and stuff like that,
and they wouldn't believe us, Like they would come they
would fucking hide us, like whenever child Protective Services would come,
who the girls who they knew would were vocal, they
would have us in different places. Um. It was really
(07:07):
fucking crazy like and then he was friends with a
lot of people who like were on the police for Yeah,
a small town, so everybody know each other. And it's
it's so Missouri's apart of something called the Bible Belt.
So these are like states that are like heavily influenced,
um by religion and Christianity. So one, he has like
(07:28):
these deep ties with the church, like we're at church
every Wednesday and every Sunday. They like they see us, um.
And then they have like partnerships with the church, like
they used to have like fundraisers for us and stuff
like that after church. So they have like all these
ties to the community. So when and then we're bad children, right,
Like we're quote unquote bad children. So this is how
(07:49):
we're being marketed as like he's saving us and without us,
without them, we would be nothing. We would just be
He didn't in these judge belts. Um. So yeah, because girl,
like reports were coming out when we were still there
and nobody did anything about it. Your mom will call
(08:10):
your aunt, like. So the thing about it is so
when you first get there, you weren't allowed to have
any phone calls for the first three months, and then
after the first three months, you have your first phone call,
but it was like someone was in the room with you.
So I was also the only vision there that spoken
of the language. So when I had my phone call
(08:33):
with my mom, I'm telling her in Spanish like this
place is sucked up, that out, but the man I
started speaking Spanish state they hung up the phone and
it was like you can't speak to her if you're
doing speak English, right, So I try to line and
I'm like, oh, well she doesn't speak English. That's the
only way that we're gonna be able to comple take
(08:53):
to the law. And then like they had one thing
director and there was like like we registered you with
your mom, like she speaks English. So that didn't work. Yeah,
so that first time it didn't work. But then a
couple of months later, some few months after that, she
called me again. So I'm speaking to her in English,
but she's speaking to me in Spanish, and they left
(09:15):
that rock. Um. But she had a dream, so I
told you earlier like a lot of the women in
my family had these dreams. So she had a dream
that like matt Ship was happening, and she was like
she had a dream that like people were hurting me
and like while I'm talk like she she basically described
me getting restraint like that they was doing um, and
I like I was just like saying like yes, no,
(09:36):
like answering that way. And then a couple of months
after that, she ended up like coming to pick me
up there. I was there for like a year. Oh no, yeah,
oh my god, give you up? Like did they just
let them? Did they let you leave or like was
(09:57):
it a process? So they just kind of let her
take me because she came unannounced, so they it wasn't
there was no prepping, like she just showed up. Um,
she had drove there because and she said she drove
there because she wanted to be able to be like
well like my cars out front, like we're taking her
like a lot of mine, like like I have like
photo albums and stuff like with me and the other
(10:18):
girls in it. Like they never sent that ship to me.
They didn't let me take it with me, so like
I don't know like why there was a lot of
traumatic ship happened there, like people I have bonds with
for the rest of my life. Like I don't even
have like photos of us from when we were kids,
like because you wouldn't let me take it um, So
I like that ship kind of hurts um. But yeah,
(10:41):
they just let her take me. They didn't really fight
her on it. Mm. They just said that couldn't get
it under my ship. There was like if she gonna go,
she gotta go just like this, right, So that's how
it went. Now do you think after you left the
boarding school do you think that you change in a stence?
Because I feel like this part of your story, I
feel like you got more focused, right, So I didn't
(11:04):
get more focused. I feel like I was already getting
there beforehand, Like I was still like holding weight and stuff.
But I feel like I was already trying to like
focus in on my studies. But after the point school,
I really wasn't. Like so I for that whole year.
We don't have like access to technology, so I can't
call nobody from my set. I can't speak to nobody
from my set. There's no social media, I don't have
(11:25):
access to internet. And what were they thinking? Like everything,
like you know what happened to so also so when
I ended up seeing them, they thought something. They thoughtly
got locked up because they knew I was always wanting
there was like yoah, we just thought you got locked
up and you ain't know nobody like number or something like.
They was just like we just thought the wordst like
you up, you died like one or the other. Because
they knew me too. They was like, You're not the
(11:47):
type of person who would just like run away like um, yeah.
So when I got back, it was kind of just
like so first I didn't like I'm still getting adjusted
because like I was dead living in the country, like
I was living on a farm, so like so now
I'm getting adjusted. I mean, you witness a lot of
(12:08):
traumatizing ship right Like I was like I didn't want
to talk to nobody, like I was just very It
was just different. I had lost so much weight because
they like they was feeding us bullshit. Um. Then they
had us doing like all this like manual labor um
and then come to find out because it's not an
accredited school, so all the work they had me doing
(12:30):
like I had, I didn't have credits for that year,
so I have to do like credit recovery. Like Luckily,
like they got like I'm smart, so I was able
to graduate on time. But like my guy's tuncle was
like what did your mom have me at like like
this I can't use none of this, um girl, the
(12:51):
animals because like we already don't work with each other.
And then like you did this, and then I remember
like I tried to kind of like explain to her,
like why would you in your right mind think that
it was okay to leave your Afro Latina daughter with
these white folks? Like this is like during the Obama
(13:13):
administration to like when he was first getting elected, like
they was calling him the anti price, like you was
like racist as motherfucker's and you left me with them.
I was just like where was the protection there? And
then even like you had this dream and you spoke
to me, but you still took like you on that weekend,
like you took months to come get me. Um. So
(13:33):
it was just very yeah, like I hated her. Like
now I feel like I just have like type of
like no emotion towards her, But then I fucking hated her,
like yeah, I definitely wanted to point the page um,
and she just she just didn't get it, like she
just it was just like a okay in her book. Um.
(13:58):
But yeah, so like now I'm just trying to catch
up with ship. Um. And then finally after a couple
of months of me being back in New York, like
I reached out and I'm like, hey, guys, like I'm back,
like and I explained to them what happened or whatever,
and they was kind of just like, na, like you're good,
Like like we we already thought like you were gone,
(14:18):
so it's like it don't even make sense. And it
was like we kind of see like you're trying to
like get on this ship. Because I also started taking
college courses. Um there was I don't know if the
program still exists, but it was called college Now, so
you could take college courses while you were still in
high school and get college credits for them. So like
I'm just like I'm literally just telling them everything that
I haven't seen anything like Matt waw um. And they
(14:40):
were kind of just like no, like you're good, like
we we see your potential, like you're good. And then
it's crazy because then I end up like bumping into
I ended up bumping into one dude while I was
um like a freshman in college, and I'm not excited.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I I've read it up.
And I tried to get his phone number and he's
(15:01):
like nah, shot, like I'm not going to do that
to you. I'm like, fuck you, like I'm offended. I'm
like what you mean? And he was like, I'm still
in the life and you're obviously doing really good for yourself,
and I would never do that to you, Like I
have too much love for you, and I don't want
I don't want you to get stuck back in. And
I think that's probably one of the dopest things anyone
has ever done for me. Right, They really let me
(15:23):
go to see me flourish, Like there was no beat,
there was no malice. It was just like now, like
you were smart when he was with us, and we
appreciated you and we vowed you, but like you could
you could shine so much brighter, because that's not going
for you to just to leave right there like you
have to. I didn't have to fight nothing. They just
(15:43):
they literally just let me go, which is not calming,
not calming at all. They found out a guy was
a crypt child look it out, looking out, So I
felt like if they would have told me I had
to like like hit the squire to ly, I was like,
a might as well just fucking thing like right rights,
like yeah, so yeah, I honestly knowing me, I don't
(16:06):
think I would have had loved I don't think I
would have left on my own re court. If I'm
being honest, I don't think I would have left on
my own the court, not at all. Mm hmm. Yeah,
he saved your life. He does look at you up
for having a book club child, My little feeling circles,
fealing circle. Now you're helping kids. She is a child
(16:29):
psychic colleges for at risk kids and kids with disabilities.
How did you get just feel during the lord's work child?
Who it was work? Yes? Um? So, like I had mentioned, like,
I always knew that I wanted to be a psychologist.
I wanted to work with UM. I wanted to work
with children, specifically, I wanted to work with children who
looked like me and who went through the things that
(16:50):
I went through. Um and then you know you don't
know what you don't know. So I'm actually a school
psychologist specifically, um and so I had in my brain
I thought you have to get your bachelor's, a master's,
and then a doctoral degree. I was completely unaware that
you can go straight from a bachelor's degree to your
(17:11):
doctoral degree. Um, girl, the more you know, because I
wish somebody would have told me that ship because nothing
I wasted time, but like I didn't have to get
that masters in between, which took three years. Um, I
kind of just went straight to the doctoral program which
is in completion, Like it's like six or seven years
(17:32):
de kind of how long it takes you to write
your dissertation for real. And then like for psychology doctoral programs,
like depending on the program you go to, typically they'll
like fund your education because you're doing research and your
you'll be like a professor, so you get like assistant
ships and things of that nature. So anyways, my dumb ass,
(17:54):
so I graduate with my bachelor's nor I want to
be a child psychologist. I'm like, oh, what's the masters
that I can get before I go to this doctoral
program because I think I need this ship, um that
relates to the field. So then I find out about
school psychology, which is working with children, um, and I
didn't know the nitty gritties of it. So a school
psychologists basically they worked with students and special education, they
(18:17):
worked with at risk students. Um. They provide like structure
for the school like we do framework things, so like
probably the behavior intervention supports. That was that's like a
school wife thing. We do like response to intervention when
kids are struggling trying to implement little things that we
can do for them to help them succeed. We do
i Q testing, social emotional testing, and things of that nature.
(18:39):
Do not know all this. I was just like, I
want to be with the kids. That's where I need
to be, UM, And in my head, I was just like,
give me all these kids that y'all say are bad, Like,
give me all the bad kids, Give me all of them. UM.
And I have started off like at a nonprofit, like
while I was in graduate school. I had started actually
when I was in my bachelor program working with nonprofits,
(19:02):
UM who just out with like at risk kids, And
I ended up like moving my way up and I
became like their mental health person. And then I became
like an educational director, so like kind of helping UM
lead classes and facilitate trainings that really, you know, help
with the growth of kids who might be in a gang,
who are in Boston here, who might have gotten locked up,
(19:25):
who are sexually active, and recognizing that they are more
than all of these things. Right, So UM, so yeah,
so my goal was definitely to work with those children. UM,
But then I became a school psychologist and it's more
than just that. So I ended up working with like
kids on the spectrum, kids with learning disabilities, kids with
(19:48):
like speech and language impairment, so all these different other children.
And I'm appreciative because not I got to see all
these other things that are happening in the world. UM,
and I have like I have that experience as well.
But I think my heart is always with so like
the kids who were like me, because like, why didn't
(20:09):
no adults see what the fun was happening with me?
Like I always think about that. Why I didn't like
this girl never in school but she getting straight a's like,
let's let's tap in, Like why like what's going on
with her? Um? You were like high school bro, Like
(20:29):
like I used to go with My mom was physically
abusive towards me, and I used to go to school
cruises and I used to want someone to school with
a busted lip. And when I think back on it,
I'm like, ain't nobody see my lip? And I was
a great student and I'm like nobody And I was
like I've always been a girly girl. So I'm like,
(20:49):
y'all know, I'm not outside acting crazy. Yeah yeah, so
now I'm not. Now I'm not adult playing attention like
in the school buildings. Like now I'm like, mmm, I
see you're moving a little where like and it's interesting.
Like so I always thought about because I always I'm
always telling the kids, like you you need cultural capital,
and it was like, what's that? What's that? And I'm like,
(21:12):
you need to know how to name what type of
painting something is, or you need to know how to,
you know, switch your vocabulary around when you're in certain spaces.
You need to know how to you know, identify different
things from different cultures. But then as I'm like working
in these schools, I have a cultural capital that's a
(21:32):
lot of my peers don't have, Like I understand a
bond its like I understand like having to be on
your toes and be paying attention to your studying and
your spaces, and I often like, you can't really learn that,
You've got to live through that ship to know what.
So I'm being more open, right, So I used to
(21:53):
always think that cultural capital was only things that like
quote unquote like white people have, like the ship that
they do, like going to use ins and galleries and
things of that nature. But like we got cultural capital too,
like we have and you know, some of the ship
we learned because we had like traumatic lifestyles, but we
have a survival skill that a lot of other people
don't have. So now I'm just more grateful. Yeah it's
(22:17):
in us. Yeah, I'd be like, yo, I'd be thinking
to myself, like, Yo, God really was with me, man,
because the ship that we had to endure growing up,
especially with us having a non existent relationship where I'm
you know, we have a relationship with our mothers, and
we didn't have the relationship that we would like to
have with our mothers. And I've just been thinking about
Masha and I'm like, nah, man, like, thank God for
(22:40):
my wits because I've always been quick on my feet,
Like it don't take me no time to figure something,
especially when it comes to my safety. So you know,
people just don't have it, and I'd be I'd be praying,
I'm like, Lord, please let my child be smart, child, Like,
let let them have some calm and fucking sense, because
it's gonna drive me right, even only thinking about my
(23:05):
own because I'll be thinking about my own kids because
like I feel like I'm I'm doing this parenting. I'm
trying to be like aware and like trying not to yeah,
and trying not to head and things of that nature.
But then sometimes I'm like, if she don't know how
to fight, like if she know like how to like
when she's walking home by herself when she's a little older,
like if she gonna know, like if somebody trying to
(23:25):
rob her, like I is she gonna know to like
if someone said, what's side your shoes? Is you say
my side? Like just like all this like little stuff
like I'm like, I don't know, Like you want to
protect the kids, and at the same time, it's just
like they need some of this for survival. Um. So
I'm always like going back and forth with that one. Wait,
(23:45):
were almost finished. I got showed the story with you.
So I remy to afraid has a daughter, right, and
I didn't tell her because I'm like, you know, they
love to shrink little black kids, especially a little black girls,
black and brown girls. So I was like, listen, don't
let nobody tell you what you can and do it
what you're not gonna be able to do like you
can do anything, especially let no white person tell you right. So,
why I'm on the train and this is her first
(24:08):
day and first day of school. So I'm like, oh
my god, so have a great day of school, Auntie,
love you this dame. So little white lady next to me,
sweet white lady. She was like, oh my god, so
and so I have a great day of school. So
we both like all emotional stuff and my knee. She
calls me Nati. That's my family name, and she's like,
didn you said that listen to no white person. I
(24:29):
was like, girl, was like, wrong time, white lady. I'm like, girl,
she didn't like she'd be walking too much, like but
I was like, you know what, that's what the funk
I'm talking my little girl, like be your point, like
that's right, like you said she had so fucking quick son.
(24:53):
I'm like, oh my god, my girl. But do you
notice any signs from your students that make them might
make you think that they are in a gang or
just need helping them? So what are those signs? Um
Typically like people who like hang out in large groups,
and like I could just tell by the type of
large groups they have. So like if everyone in your
(25:14):
large group is always getting into some type of fight.
My another tend like y'all a part of something um
and even and you might not be a part of
like a gang gang, but y'all have some type of
set happening because like you have sets outside of games
or that's connected to games. Um. Yeah, that's that's definitely
a thing. Um. Some other things that I look for, honestly,
(25:37):
baby telling me, girl, like baby telling me. Um. But
like sometimes I like I'll ask certain questions and they
like yo, like you know you are, like you can't
tell you this, and like I'm not and I have
to recognize like yeah that you are, but you know
you gotta report this ship if they tell you something. Um.
But yeah, just like I don't know like those kids
(25:59):
who like I'm like because I know their family history.
So like if I know, like y'all living in the
shelter right now, but you've gotta more and clear on sir,
it's not at enough yeah right. Or if I see
like kids who kids who wouldn't typically talk to them,
(26:20):
like they speak to them for very brief moments Like
I'm like, I you you sell them, you sell them something. Um,
So it's just like little things that I pay attention to. Um. Yeah,
So what can your teachers and parents do to positively
impact their child and making good decisions? Honestly, be more empathetic, listening,
(26:43):
checking in. So I know for parents a big thing
that like I'm pushing right now is like eat with
your kids. Stop eating in the room, stop eating from
the tv sits only eat with your kids, Like eat
and have a conversation, um. And then after that, then
whan watch a movie, sit down and watch the show.
Just then I ask them, like, yo, yeah, just spending
(27:05):
time because oftentimes, like kids get into these situations because
they feel unloved, they feel like they're not getting enough
attention at home. They want to feel cared about, UM,
cared about. So it's really just happening for parents, and
then for teachers, I think it's you know, being more
(27:25):
aware that like it's okay to let go of power.
I feel like a lot of people are not saying
every teacher in the world, but I feel like a
lot of teachers that I've dealt with, like the ones
that my kids always coming to me complaining about like
maybe power tripping, Like you want to yell at them
because they're sitting on a desk, or because they're standing,
or because in between taking notes they're talking to their partner, Like,
(27:46):
instead of raising your boys at them, have a conversation,
check in with them, just see what's going on. Um
And I think you get when you build those relationships
with kids, that's when they really open up to you.
And once they open up, you know what resources to
provide them. But you can't help a kid who's going
to shut down, especially if you're the reason that they're
shutting down. Um So, I really think it's tapping in
(28:09):
and building those connections that's the best way to help
our children. And then even like if you're aware of
the the ASIST study, it's the Adverse Childhood of Sex studies.
Um so, they basically it's like a service if they
was giving kids to see like what traumatic experiences they
went through. Um and then a certain number kind of
like it could lead to having like you're at high
(28:32):
risk for having like some health conditions. Um so. But
like one of the biggest things that could help decrease
that was having a connection with one person. M hm.
So can you imagine just having a connection with one
person can help you live longer technically, like I don't know,
people don't be hearing you go, yeah, I don't know,
(28:53):
Like I don't know why. I don't know why people
think it's so hard. I'm like, you just make a connection,
Like that's really once you make a connection, and everything
flows from there, Everything flows from there. Mm hmm. Do
you share your stories your story with your students most
of the time. No, So I go by this rule
(29:14):
that what does this what does telling this story do
for the student or do for my client? Be cause
I also work with kids outside the school. UM, So
if it's if it's just a kind of relate, it
might not be that beneficial. But it's for example, like
I might have a student who's like completely shut down,
who doesn't have anyone that can connect with, um, doesn't
(29:37):
really like understand where I'm coming from, like when I'm
just giving them like giving it to them straight. Then
I might share something I won't share like everything, um,
but like I'll share like maybe like a small piece
like well like I went through this when I was
a teenager, and like so I'll share something like I
used to cut class a lot, so I feel like
it's not too heavy, it's something relatable, but not something
(30:00):
like oh it's like I'm trying to win brownie points,
like hey, I used to cut school a lot, Um,
I got my act together and now I'm here. Because
sometimes they'll think that because they started off ruck, that
they can't change their ways and become better. So I
just kind of look, Okay, what's the why, Like why
would I be sharing this piece of me? Mm hmmm,
so um yeah. But typically I wouldn't give them like
(30:23):
everything I just gave you'all deftly would not know Yeah, right,
what did your healing journey look like? As you've been
through a lot and you know, I know you don't
have a relationship with your mom and I don't know
about your relationship with your dad, but like, how has
(30:45):
your journey with healing ben or what did it look like? Um? So,
since I was a kid, I used to really tap
into like the spiritual world, um, just because I know
like my aunts and my mom had these dreams and stuff.
So I was like always interested in like, oh, well,
like do I have these gifts and things of that nature?
(31:05):
And I don't. I don't have it in the way
that they have it. Like I would just get like
strong feelings about stuff and things of that nature. Like
I feel like I have a good intuition. Um, Like
I get those cut feelings like you know, like like
oh in my cut, like I know some ships about
to happen, and then some ship happened, and I have that.
But they like they would have fucking explicit dreams, like
they could tell you from start to finish, like from
(31:28):
ship that was about to happen. I can't do that. Um.
But because of that, I feel like I used to
even since I was a kid, Like I used to
like really tap into like my ancestors and wanting to
like know about more about like family lineage. Um. And
I've been off and on with it since I was
a kid. Um. I remember my dumbask I just like
(31:49):
chuckle at the ship I used to do as a kid.
So like I remember like in eleventh grade, I started
like practicing WICCA, which is like I want to say,
like white people ship come white people witchcraft? Um. And
I remember so I used to like really study with her.
But like something about it was like some of the
fields right and some of it don't. Like the principles
(32:10):
was like okay, this is making sense. But something felt
like this isn't mine. Um, so then they just whitewashed
it right right. So then I started like you know,
going through like family stuff, and I started seeing like
a lot of like stuff from like Santiater, Like I
would see like women wearing all white and my family
(32:33):
and stuff like that. I was like, so I started
like asking questions. I was like, oh, well this person
did this and did it out. But then, like a
lot of people, my family started like going more towards
like Christianity and like kind of like like sweeping out
under the rug. So I feel like they weren't talking
about it. And then my grandmother had passed away, so
I couldn't tap into her for any information. Um, and yeah,
(32:54):
like my mom's closest sins that she's closest with, like
she's like, I don't know, see the pastor preacher. She
she's like a head person in the church. Like she
had her like fucking come to New York to like
pray over me and do all this other ship because
she didn't want me like you know, participating in that
type of stuff. So then I had like stock because
I felt like who then am I going to tap into?
(33:15):
And then in college, um, you know when you just
feel like heavy, like you just need something. UM. I
started like praying again and like just tapping into my ancestry.
And then I started doing like more meditations. I started
like looking more looking stuff up and like you're eaving culture. UM.
(33:36):
I started looking things up like the connections of like
like how Africans were brought over to the Caribbean because
their first stop was in the Republic um. And then
I started doing more research like in Haiti and like
how like we were the first people to kind of
like free ourselves from slavery and how that looks. And
then like I'm really looking like I'm really like digging digging. Um,
(34:00):
I'm really like digging digging, and then I'm seeing like, oh,
well they used Bodoon to like really like free themselves
because these people didn't have any weapons, like they didn't
have the resources that the French had, So that I'm yeah,
so this is when like now like something in my
body is like this is it? Like either are the
(34:22):
things that you need to learn and need to process? Um.
So so a lot of my healing journey has kind
of like been tapping into my roots and finding out
about like who I am, which has been like super
super difficult because my family's all over the place. Um,
I don't really have a connection to a lot of them.
(34:43):
UM some kind of just like trying to figure things
out day by day. UM. And then it's hard because
sometimes I want to like reach out to people, like
because there's, um, there's like this community center near me
that they practice EFA UM, and I be like wanting
to go over there and like see, like can somebody
read my head and can I go through the process
(35:03):
in that? But like you know, some people are like
a lot of people be faking ship like she's like
a trend now, So I get yeah, so I get
worried that like somebody gonna try bamboos with me, and
I feel like I have discernment, but also who wants
to go through that ship? Like I don't want to
see here trying to meet like you know, meet people
and try to like put my all into something just
(35:24):
for like something like download because sometimes I like I
have discerning about something and I'd be like, oh, just
give them a try. It's so like just just give it,
and then like you get you get sucked in that way.
So I'm like that's definitely still been a thing. That's
how I know you're spiritual because, um, when I had
my leg get togethers, I'm gonna introduce you to my
(35:45):
home girl Montana because she's like, I'm spiritual too, but
she's similar to you because when you said read your head, like,
I know what that means. That's what she's trying to do.
She found a place somewhere and um, I want to
say somewhere in Harlem child and making us a short child.
She went there and the nigga had chopped off a
chicken head that said, oh no, it's gruesome. Yeah. But also,
(36:10):
whenever you ready, I told you I shared with you
my um it, my spiritual team because she doesn't so
to those episodes, they were good. Oh yeah, I was
just like to say. She also spoke about that in
her episode about kind of who had her head? Yeah,
I was. I was really enjoying those episodes. I was like,
(36:32):
oh my god, I gotta tapping. Yeah, she's amazing. She's amazing.
And last but not least, do you have any regrets?
Oh girl? Um, I always have struggle with this. I'll
always struggle with this question because um, I do when
I don't, So like, do I wish that like I
(36:56):
had like a perfect relationship with my mom and I
didn't go through all these things and that like life
was peachy. Sure, yes, Um, do I feel like I
would be the same person I am today without those experiences?
Absolutely not, Like I feel like they really shaped who
I am and I'm able like I feel like this
(37:17):
is my life purpose. My life purpose is to help.
Like I'm a helper, like I naturally help, Like I
always want to help people and kind of bring them
up in whatever way, shape or form that I can so.
But I feel like if I didn't go through all
these things, I wouldn't know how to help. I wouldn't
effectively help as like the way that I do today. Right,
(37:39):
So it's like it's it's like both like, yeah, I
wish I was. I wish I grew up with my
dad living the best life like the parents, living his
best fucking life. By the same time, it's just like
that life wasn't for me apparently, and that's okay, um,
because now I have this so and this really feeds
(37:59):
me helping people, It's really feeds me. Um. So I
guess it's like it's like, oh, what I would like
to see what I'm said. Hell yeah, But at the
same time, like I get a god like you needed me.
You needed to give me a mission, and that's why
I'm a soldier. You want his foot sold just to
do the thing. Wait was your set name pelt? Yeah? Yeah.
(38:29):
When I was telling you, I was like, so, people
who I grew up with, like that's what they call
I'll tell you crooks are so fucking wokey. I know.
I said this bitch been, this has been, not been
this bitch set name. Yeah, definitely wh it Definitely. It's
(38:49):
tatted on me. Actually, like I got my first sixty
Like that's how that's it. I do it. Yes, I
was like, se call her that because I had this feeling,
this age for people that she grew up with call her.
This is what the set call her. Yeah, but like
those listen people like I grew up with, Like it's
(39:11):
so crazy. Um, like parents called me that, Like yeah,
like that is what they called me. It's like, now,
I appreciate you excited that you wanted to share your
story on my on my show. I feel like this
was a really amazing story and I love the fact
(39:32):
how your story was full circle, like what you're doing
is definitely guy's work. And I'm just so thankful that
we finally cross paths because I don't know how we
didn't know each other because I've been doing army for
a friend for over ten years. I need to you know.
I pressed them about that ship too. I'm like, so,
when when did you meet her? I was like, now,
(39:54):
you definitely need and like I was over there like this,
I'm from Brooklyn. I was like, means like every fucking week.
I'm like, I'm Holly ashamed of you, like Holly, and
we look together. Yeah, I know I went to your house. Yeah,
I know it because I remember I was like, damn,
where are you living at? Like it's far as hell. Oh,
(40:17):
so facts like the fact that we lived together because
I have to get out the trade and I'll walk
mad far and I'm like, where the hell am I'm going. Yeah. No,
I'm so happy I met you. So thank you much again,
and to the listeners, if you have any questions, comments
and concerns, please make sure to email me at Hello
at the PhD podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone,
(40:40):
this is definitely gonna be a two part I see
that long right, I'm not eight o'clock, but until next time. Everyone. Later,
I was about to say, you're not gonna say by guy,
and I'm waving like I know y'all. I talked from
(41:05):
my hand later. How are you
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,
(00:35):
Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from
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If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and
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(00:57):
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(01:19):
To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward
slash the PSD podcast now. Please keep in mind that
all of my guests are noness so listen again this
week's episode. So and then they yeah, they ended up
restraining me for not long after that, and then the
person who was with me my person because she sold
(01:40):
like you have to restrain the other girls, Like if
he says get on them, if you don't get on them,
you're gonna restrain right next to that bitch. So my
my person was crying, like holding me down, crying, and
he's yelling at her like if she's not crying out
in pain, you're not a prying enough question, you're gonna
be right next to her. So like she's applying more
(02:01):
and more pressure, just crying. Like so like a lot
of these girls like we're like now like trauma bonded,
so like a lot of times like so we still
speak to this day, um, especially like me and that girl,
and she's always like, oh my gosh, like I love
you so much, Like I hated him after that. So
that because a lot of them girls like they like
they looked at him like a father figure. Like they
really was like brainwashing people. Like I remember I had
(02:25):
told them because I always wanted to be a psychologist, um,
like from very very like young, like I knew I
wanted to help people in that way. And I remember
like they were we were having like a class and
like what women were supposed to be and that we're
just supposed to be to help me and we're just
supposed to get married and their children and support our husbands.
And then I was like, well, what if you want
to be a psychologist because that's why I wanted to be,
(02:47):
And he was like, oh, psychology is of the devil
and all these mental health issues are like fake and
like it's just people sinning. And if we didn't sin,
and we weren't you know, communicating with the devil, everything
would be okay. But this is the type of ship
that they was like spoon feeding us and we're all young,
like all of us was like in high school or younger.
(03:08):
Like one kid she was like that didn't I don't
know what the a seven year old did to get there,
like because these girls, like I was the only one
that was in there for more like gang activity and
being violent, but the rest of them girls, they were
just having sex and doing drugs. So what then did
the seven year old do? Right? I was reading some
(03:29):
of the articles and there is a lot of and
it's still going on, like it's still the allegations are
still depending, like they about to go to trial or
like they I was like, oh my god, did you
see any of the girls get sexually abused or that
you were they talking about it when you was there?
They were talking about it when I was there. When
(03:50):
I was there, I never saw it. But some girls
would disappear, so like remember how I told you we
have to walk into some for some reason. Sometimes some
girls didn't have to be in twos. They could go
to either his office on their own and they will
be gone for hours. And at other times there was
(04:11):
another male employee there and the girls would disappear with
that male employee. And typically it was the girls with
the higher ranking shirts that would be taken away. And
I guess because they were kind of feeding them, like
oh you have all these privileges because those girls got
to do more. Um. So I guess that was like
how they you know, kind of like groom them. Um.
(04:36):
But I remember something I used to see that like
always made uneasy. He used to have this one girl,
she's beautiful. She used to have him rub his head
so she was like bald, and like he would dead
have her because she was mine. She was my person,
like the person who has to stay with me. She
would um. So it would be both of us in
the room, and I would have to stand in a
(04:56):
corner and he would ask her to just rub his head,
and his wife would just be fucking sitting there, and
I'm just like I just remember, like this's not weird
to nobody, Like why she rubbing his head? Like you
have a wife right there, you have a daughter, Like
why you got one of us rubbing your head? And
that's crazy. Reading a recent article how the daughter came
(05:19):
out and she's confirmed a lot of things that's going
that went on there, and it's crazy because you I
kind of started seeing her progression like while I was there,
because when I was first, like when I first got there,
she was a fucking bitch, Like she was like calling
people to get restrained every two seconds, like because she
was our age, so she's like our age and like
(05:41):
technically a staff member. Um. And then she had did
something wrong. I think she tried to run away or something,
and then her dad put her in a black shirt,
so he started treating her like one of us, and
a black shirt is like bottom of the bottom. Um.
So after that, she kind of like she started being
like nicer to us, like after she got off the
(06:02):
black shirt and she started being like a staff member again.
I guess she kind of started being nice to us
and kind of like you would see like her kind
of like arguing with her parents like yo, that's not okay,
like why did you guys do that? And things of
that nature. Um. But yeah, it was really her who
got this whole thing started. M hm. It was. It's
really wild, like because like who would have thought, like
(06:24):
it's their daughter because we all like we spoke about
it like as adults, like we would like y'all remember
all that ship we went through. And then like that's
when I started hearing about like all the sexual allegations.
Like it was like, yeah, well like he raped me? Um,
and I was like he did what? Like I was
like really and it was like yeah, Like I didn't
tell anyone because the other problem was girls would run
(06:47):
away and they would like go to like they would
get to the Sheriff's department or stuff and stuff like that,
and they wouldn't believe us, Like they would come they
would fucking hide us, like whenever child Protective Services would come,
who the girls who they knew would were vocal, they
would have us in different places. Um. It was really
(07:07):
fucking crazy like and then he was friends with a
lot of people who like were on the police for Yeah,
a small town, so everybody know each other. And it's
it's so Missouri's apart of something called the Bible Belt.
So these are like states that are like heavily influenced,
um by religion and Christianity. So one, he has like
(07:28):
these deep ties with the church, like we're at church
every Wednesday and every Sunday. They like they see us, um.
And then they have like partnerships with the church, like
they used to have like fundraisers for us and stuff
like that after church. So they have like all these
ties to the community. So when and then we're bad children, right,
Like we're quote unquote bad children. So this is how
(07:49):
we're being marketed as like he's saving us and without us,
without them, we would be nothing. We would just be
He didn't in these judge belts. Um. So yeah, because girl,
like reports were coming out when we were still there
and nobody did anything about it. Your mom will call
(08:10):
your aunt, like. So the thing about it is so
when you first get there, you weren't allowed to have
any phone calls for the first three months, and then
after the first three months, you have your first phone call,
but it was like someone was in the room with you.
So I was also the only vision there that spoken
of the language. So when I had my phone call
(08:33):
with my mom, I'm telling her in Spanish like this
place is sucked up, that out, but the man I
started speaking Spanish state they hung up the phone and
it was like you can't speak to her if you're
doing speak English, right, So I try to line and
I'm like, oh, well she doesn't speak English. That's the
only way that we're gonna be able to comple take
(08:53):
to the law. And then like they had one thing
director and there was like like we registered you with
your mom, like she speaks English. So that didn't work. Yeah,
so that first time it didn't work. But then a
couple of months later, some few months after that, she
called me again. So I'm speaking to her in English,
but she's speaking to me in Spanish, and they left
(09:15):
that rock. Um. But she had a dream, so I
told you earlier like a lot of the women in
my family had these dreams. So she had a dream
that like matt Ship was happening, and she was like
she had a dream that like people were hurting me
and like while I'm talk like she she basically described
me getting restraint like that they was doing um, and
I like I was just like saying like yes, no,
(09:36):
like answering that way. And then a couple of months
after that, she ended up like coming to pick me
up there. I was there for like a year. Oh no, yeah,
oh my god, give you up? Like did they just
let them? Did they let you leave or like was
(09:57):
it a process? So they just kind of let her
take me because she came unannounced, so they it wasn't
there was no prepping, like she just showed up. Um,
she had drove there because and she said she drove
there because she wanted to be able to be like
well like my cars out front, like we're taking her
like a lot of mine, like like I have like
photo albums and stuff like with me and the other
(10:18):
girls in it. Like they never sent that ship to me.
They didn't let me take it with me, so like
I don't know like why there was a lot of
traumatic ship happened there, like people I have bonds with
for the rest of my life. Like I don't even
have like photos of us from when we were kids,
like because you wouldn't let me take it um, So
I like that ship kind of hurts um. But yeah,
(10:41):
they just let her take me. They didn't really fight
her on it. Mm. They just said that couldn't get
it under my ship. There was like if she gonna go,
she gotta go just like this, right, So that's how
it went. Now do you think after you left the
boarding school do you think that you change in a stence?
Because I feel like this part of your story, I
feel like you got more focused, right, So I didn't
(11:04):
get more focused. I feel like I was already getting
there beforehand, Like I was still like holding weight and stuff.
But I feel like I was already trying to like
focus in on my studies. But after the point school,
I really wasn't. Like so I for that whole year.
We don't have like access to technology, so I can't
call nobody from my set. I can't speak to nobody
from my set. There's no social media, I don't have
(11:25):
access to internet. And what were they thinking? Like everything,
like you know what happened to so also so when
I ended up seeing them, they thought something. They thoughtly
got locked up because they knew I was always wanting
there was like yoah, we just thought you got locked
up and you ain't know nobody like number or something like.
They was just like we just thought the wordst like
you up, you died like one or the other. Because
they knew me too. They was like, You're not the
(11:47):
type of person who would just like run away like um, yeah.
So when I got back, it was kind of just
like so first I didn't like I'm still getting adjusted
because like I was dead living in the country, like
I was living on a farm, so like so now
I'm getting adjusted. I mean, you witness a lot of
(12:08):
traumatizing ship right Like I was like I didn't want
to talk to nobody, like I was just very It
was just different. I had lost so much weight because
they like they was feeding us bullshit. Um. Then they
had us doing like all this like manual labor um
and then come to find out because it's not an
accredited school, so all the work they had me doing
(12:30):
like I had, I didn't have credits for that year,
so I have to do like credit recovery. Like Luckily,
like they got like I'm smart, so I was able
to graduate on time. But like my guy's tuncle was
like what did your mom have me at like like
this I can't use none of this, um girl, the
(12:51):
animals because like we already don't work with each other.
And then like you did this, and then I remember
like I tried to kind of like explain to her,
like why would you in your right mind think that
it was okay to leave your Afro Latina daughter with
these white folks? Like this is like during the Obama
(13:13):
administration to like when he was first getting elected, like
they was calling him the anti price, like you was
like racist as motherfucker's and you left me with them.
I was just like where was the protection there? And
then even like you had this dream and you spoke
to me, but you still took like you on that weekend,
like you took months to come get me. Um. So
(13:33):
it was just very yeah, like I hated her. Like
now I feel like I just have like type of
like no emotion towards her, But then I fucking hated her,
like yeah, I definitely wanted to point the page um,
and she just she just didn't get it, like she
just it was just like a okay in her book. Um.
(13:58):
But yeah, so like now I'm just trying to catch
up with ship. Um. And then finally after a couple
of months of me being back in New York, like
I reached out and I'm like, hey, guys, like I'm back,
like and I explained to them what happened or whatever,
and they was kind of just like, na, like you're good,
Like like we we already thought like you were gone,
(14:18):
so it's like it don't even make sense. And it
was like we kind of see like you're trying to
like get on this ship. Because I also started taking
college courses. Um there was I don't know if the
program still exists, but it was called college Now, so
you could take college courses while you were still in
high school and get college credits for them. So like
I'm just like I'm literally just telling them everything that
I haven't seen anything like Matt waw um. And they
(14:40):
were kind of just like no, like you're good, like
we we see your potential, like you're good. And then
it's crazy because then I end up like bumping into
I ended up bumping into one dude while I was
um like a freshman in college, and I'm not excited.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I I've read it up.
And I tried to get his phone number and he's
(15:01):
like nah, shot, like I'm not going to do that
to you. I'm like, fuck you, like I'm offended. I'm
like what you mean? And he was like, I'm still
in the life and you're obviously doing really good for yourself,
and I would never do that to you, Like I
have too much love for you, and I don't want
I don't want you to get stuck back in. And
I think that's probably one of the dopest things anyone
has ever done for me. Right, They really let me
(15:23):
go to see me flourish, Like there was no beat,
there was no malice. It was just like now, like
you were smart when he was with us, and we
appreciated you and we vowed you, but like you could
you could shine so much brighter, because that's not going
for you to just to leave right there like you
have to. I didn't have to fight nothing. They just
(15:43):
they literally just let me go, which is not calming,
not calming at all. They found out a guy was
a crypt child look it out, looking out, So I
felt like if they would have told me I had
to like like hit the squire to ly, I was like,
a might as well just fucking thing like right rights,
like yeah, so yeah, I honestly knowing me, I don't
(16:06):
think I would have had loved I don't think I
would have left on my own re court. If I'm
being honest, I don't think I would have left on
my own the court, not at all. Mm hmm. Yeah,
he saved your life. He does look at you up
for having a book club child, My little feeling circles,
fealing circle. Now you're helping kids. She is a child
(16:29):
psychic colleges for at risk kids and kids with disabilities.
How did you get just feel during the lord's work child?
Who it was work? Yes? Um? So, like I had mentioned, like,
I always knew that I wanted to be a psychologist.
I wanted to work with UM. I wanted to work
with children, specifically, I wanted to work with children who
looked like me and who went through the things that
(16:50):
I went through. Um and then you know you don't
know what you don't know. So I'm actually a school
psychologist specifically, um and so I had in my brain
I thought you have to get your bachelor's, a master's,
and then a doctoral degree. I was completely unaware that
you can go straight from a bachelor's degree to your
(17:11):
doctoral degree. Um, girl, the more you know, because I
wish somebody would have told me that ship because nothing
I wasted time, but like I didn't have to get
that masters in between, which took three years. Um, I
kind of just went straight to the doctoral program which
is in completion, Like it's like six or seven years
(17:32):
de kind of how long it takes you to write
your dissertation for real. And then like for psychology doctoral programs,
like depending on the program you go to, typically they'll
like fund your education because you're doing research and your
you'll be like a professor, so you get like assistant
ships and things of that nature. So anyways, my dumb ass,
(17:54):
so I graduate with my bachelor's nor I want to
be a child psychologist. I'm like, oh, what's the masters
that I can get before I go to this doctoral
program because I think I need this ship, um that
relates to the field. So then I find out about
school psychology, which is working with children, um, and I
didn't know the nitty gritties of it. So a school
psychologists basically they worked with students and special education, they
(18:17):
worked with at risk students. Um. They provide like structure
for the school like we do framework things, so like
probably the behavior intervention supports. That was that's like a
school wife thing. We do like response to intervention when
kids are struggling trying to implement little things that we
can do for them to help them succeed. We do
i Q testing, social emotional testing, and things of that nature.
(18:39):
Do not know all this. I was just like, I
want to be with the kids. That's where I need
to be, UM, And in my head, I was just like,
give me all these kids that y'all say are bad, Like,
give me all the bad kids, Give me all of them. UM.
And I have started off like at a nonprofit, like
while I was in graduate school. I had started actually
when I was in my bachelor program working with nonprofits,
(19:02):
UM who just out with like at risk kids, And
I ended up like moving my way up and I
became like their mental health person. And then I became
like an educational director, so like kind of helping UM
lead classes and facilitate trainings that really, you know, help
with the growth of kids who might be in a gang,
who are in Boston here, who might have gotten locked up,
(19:25):
who are sexually active, and recognizing that they are more
than all of these things. Right, So UM, so yeah,
so my goal was definitely to work with those children. UM,
But then I became a school psychologist and it's more
than just that. So I ended up working with like
kids on the spectrum, kids with learning disabilities, kids with
(19:48):
like speech and language impairment, so all these different other children.
And I'm appreciative because not I got to see all
these other things that are happening in the world. UM,
and I have like I have that experience as well.
But I think my heart is always with so like
the kids who were like me, because like, why didn't
(20:09):
no adults see what the fun was happening with me?
Like I always think about that. Why I didn't like
this girl never in school but she getting straight a's like,
let's let's tap in, Like why like what's going on
with her? Um? You were like high school bro, Like
(20:29):
like I used to go with My mom was physically
abusive towards me, and I used to go to school
cruises and I used to want someone to school with
a busted lip. And when I think back on it,
I'm like, ain't nobody see my lip? And I was
a great student and I'm like nobody And I was
like I've always been a girly girl. So I'm like,
(20:49):
y'all know, I'm not outside acting crazy. Yeah yeah, so
now I'm not. Now I'm not adult playing attention like
in the school buildings. Like now I'm like, mmm, I
see you're moving a little where like and it's interesting.
Like so I always thought about because I always I'm
always telling the kids, like you you need cultural capital,
and it was like, what's that? What's that? And I'm like,
(21:12):
you need to know how to name what type of
painting something is, or you need to know how to,
you know, switch your vocabulary around when you're in certain spaces.
You need to know how to you know, identify different
things from different cultures. But then as I'm like working
in these schools, I have a cultural capital that's a
(21:32):
lot of my peers don't have, Like I understand a
bond its like I understand like having to be on
your toes and be paying attention to your studying and
your spaces, and I often like, you can't really learn that,
You've got to live through that ship to know what.
So I'm being more open, right, So I used to
(21:53):
always think that cultural capital was only things that like
quote unquote like white people have, like the ship that
they do, like going to use ins and galleries and
things of that nature. But like we got cultural capital too,
like we have and you know, some of the ship
we learned because we had like traumatic lifestyles, but we
have a survival skill that a lot of other people
don't have. So now I'm just more grateful. Yeah it's
(22:17):
in us. Yeah, I'd be like, yo, I'd be thinking
to myself, like, Yo, God really was with me, man,
because the ship that we had to endure growing up,
especially with us having a non existent relationship where I'm
you know, we have a relationship with our mothers, and
we didn't have the relationship that we would like to
have with our mothers. And I've just been thinking about
Masha and I'm like, nah, man, like, thank God for
(22:40):
my wits because I've always been quick on my feet,
Like it don't take me no time to figure something,
especially when it comes to my safety. So you know,
people just don't have it, and I'd be I'd be praying,
I'm like, Lord, please let my child be smart, child, Like,
let let them have some calm and fucking sense, because
it's gonna drive me right, even only thinking about my
(23:05):
own because I'll be thinking about my own kids because
like I feel like I'm I'm doing this parenting. I'm
trying to be like aware and like trying not to yeah,
and trying not to head and things of that nature.
But then sometimes I'm like, if she don't know how
to fight, like if she know like how to like
when she's walking home by herself when she's a little older,
like if she gonna know, like if somebody trying to
(23:25):
rob her, like I is she gonna know to like
if someone said, what's side your shoes? Is you say
my side? Like just like all this like little stuff
like I'm like, I don't know, Like you want to
protect the kids, and at the same time, it's just
like they need some of this for survival. Um. So
I'm always like going back and forth with that one. Wait,
(23:45):
were almost finished. I got showed the story with you.
So I remy to afraid has a daughter, right, and
I didn't tell her because I'm like, you know, they
love to shrink little black kids, especially a little black girls,
black and brown girls. So I was like, listen, don't
let nobody tell you what you can and do it
what you're not gonna be able to do like you
can do anything, especially let no white person tell you right. So,
why I'm on the train and this is her first
(24:08):
day and first day of school. So I'm like, oh
my god, so have a great day of school, Auntie,
love you this dame. So little white lady next to me,
sweet white lady. She was like, oh my god, so
and so I have a great day of school. So
we both like all emotional stuff and my knee. She
calls me Nati. That's my family name, and she's like,
didn you said that listen to no white person. I
(24:29):
was like, girl, was like, wrong time, white lady. I'm like, girl,
she didn't like she'd be walking too much, like but
I was like, you know what, that's what the funk
I'm talking my little girl, like be your point, like
that's right, like you said she had so fucking quick son.
(24:53):
I'm like, oh my god, my girl. But do you
notice any signs from your students that make them might
make you think that they are in a gang or
just need helping them? So what are those signs? Um
Typically like people who like hang out in large groups,
and like I could just tell by the type of
large groups they have. So like if everyone in your
(25:14):
large group is always getting into some type of fight.
My another tend like y'all a part of something um
and even and you might not be a part of
like a gang gang, but y'all have some type of
set happening because like you have sets outside of games
or that's connected to games. Um. Yeah, that's that's definitely
a thing. Um. Some other things that I look for, honestly,
(25:37):
baby telling me, girl, like baby telling me. Um. But
like sometimes I like I'll ask certain questions and they
like yo, like you know you are, like you can't
tell you this, and like I'm not and I have
to recognize like yeah that you are, but you know
you gotta report this ship if they tell you something. Um.
But yeah, just like I don't know like those kids
(25:59):
who like I'm like because I know their family history.
So like if I know, like y'all living in the
shelter right now, but you've gotta more and clear on sir,
it's not at enough yeah right. Or if I see
like kids who kids who wouldn't typically talk to them,
(26:20):
like they speak to them for very brief moments Like
I'm like, I you you sell them, you sell them something. Um,
So it's just like little things that I pay attention to. Um. Yeah,
So what can your teachers and parents do to positively
impact their child and making good decisions? Honestly, be more empathetic, listening,
(26:43):
checking in. So I know for parents a big thing
that like I'm pushing right now is like eat with
your kids. Stop eating in the room, stop eating from
the tv sits only eat with your kids, Like eat
and have a conversation, um. And then after that, then
whan watch a movie, sit down and watch the show.
Just then I ask them, like, yo, yeah, just spending
(27:05):
time because oftentimes, like kids get into these situations because
they feel unloved, they feel like they're not getting enough
attention at home. They want to feel cared about, UM,
cared about. So it's really just happening for parents, and
then for teachers, I think it's you know, being more
(27:25):
aware that like it's okay to let go of power.
I feel like a lot of people are not saying
every teacher in the world, but I feel like a
lot of teachers that I've dealt with, like the ones
that my kids always coming to me complaining about like
maybe power tripping, Like you want to yell at them
because they're sitting on a desk, or because they're standing,
or because in between taking notes they're talking to their partner, Like,
(27:46):
instead of raising your boys at them, have a conversation,
check in with them, just see what's going on. Um
And I think you get when you build those relationships
with kids, that's when they really open up to you.
And once they open up, you know what resources to
provide them. But you can't help a kid who's going
to shut down, especially if you're the reason that they're
shutting down. Um So, I really think it's tapping in
(28:09):
and building those connections that's the best way to help
our children. And then even like if you're aware of
the the ASIST study, it's the Adverse Childhood of Sex studies.
Um so, they basically it's like a service if they
was giving kids to see like what traumatic experiences they
went through. Um and then a certain number kind of
like it could lead to having like you're at high
(28:32):
risk for having like some health conditions. Um so. But
like one of the biggest things that could help decrease
that was having a connection with one person. M hm.
So can you imagine just having a connection with one
person can help you live longer technically, like I don't know,
people don't be hearing you go, yeah, I don't know,
(28:53):
Like I don't know why. I don't know why people
think it's so hard. I'm like, you just make a connection,
Like that's really once you make a connection, and everything
flows from there, Everything flows from there. Mm hmm. Do
you share your stories your story with your students most
of the time. No, So I go by this rule
(29:14):
that what does this what does telling this story do
for the student or do for my client? Be cause
I also work with kids outside the school. UM, So
if it's if it's just a kind of relate, it
might not be that beneficial. But it's for example, like
I might have a student who's like completely shut down,
who doesn't have anyone that can connect with, um, doesn't
(29:37):
really like understand where I'm coming from, like when I'm
just giving them like giving it to them straight. Then
I might share something I won't share like everything, um,
but like I'll share like maybe like a small piece
like well like I went through this when I was
a teenager, and like so I'll share something like I
used to cut class a lot, so I feel like
it's not too heavy, it's something relatable, but not something
(30:00):
like oh it's like I'm trying to win brownie points,
like hey, I used to cut school a lot, Um,
I got my act together and now I'm here. Because
sometimes they'll think that because they started off ruck, that
they can't change their ways and become better. So I
just kind of look, Okay, what's the why, Like why
would I be sharing this piece of me? Mm hmmm,
so um yeah. But typically I wouldn't give them like
(30:23):
everything I just gave you'all deftly would not know Yeah, right,
what did your healing journey look like? As you've been
through a lot and you know, I know you don't
have a relationship with your mom and I don't know
about your relationship with your dad, but like, how has
(30:45):
your journey with healing ben or what did it look like? Um? So,
since I was a kid, I used to really tap
into like the spiritual world, um, just because I know
like my aunts and my mom had these dreams and stuff.
So I was like always interested in like, oh, well,
like do I have these gifts and things of that nature?
(31:05):
And I don't. I don't have it in the way
that they have it. Like I would just get like
strong feelings about stuff and things of that nature. Like
I feel like I have a good intuition. Um, Like
I get those cut feelings like you know, like like
oh in my cut, like I know some ships about
to happen, and then some ship happened, and I have that.
But they like they would have fucking explicit dreams, like
they could tell you from start to finish, like from
(31:28):
ship that was about to happen. I can't do that. Um.
But because of that, I feel like I used to
even since I was a kid, Like I used to
like really tap into like my ancestors and wanting to
like know about more about like family lineage. Um. And
I've been off and on with it since I was
a kid. Um. I remember my dumbask I just like
(31:49):
chuckle at the ship I used to do as a kid.
So like I remember like in eleventh grade, I started
like practicing WICCA, which is like I want to say,
like white people ship come white people witchcraft? Um. And
I remember so I used to like really study with her.
But like something about it was like some of the
fields right and some of it don't. Like the principles
(32:10):
was like okay, this is making sense. But something felt
like this isn't mine. Um, so then they just whitewashed
it right right. So then I started like you know,
going through like family stuff, and I started seeing like
a lot of like stuff from like Santiater, Like I
would see like women wearing all white and my family
(32:33):
and stuff like that. I was like, so I started
like asking questions. I was like, oh, well this person
did this and did it out. But then, like a
lot of people, my family started like going more towards
like Christianity and like kind of like like sweeping out
under the rug. So I feel like they weren't talking
about it. And then my grandmother had passed away, so
I couldn't tap into her for any information. Um, and yeah,
(32:54):
like my mom's closest sins that she's closest with, like
she's like, I don't know, see the pastor preacher. She
she's like a head person in the church. Like she
had her like fucking come to New York to like
pray over me and do all this other ship because
she didn't want me like you know, participating in that
type of stuff. So then I had like stock because
I felt like who then am I going to tap into?
(33:15):
And then in college, um, you know when you just
feel like heavy, like you just need something. UM. I
started like praying again and like just tapping into my ancestry.
And then I started doing like more meditations. I started
like looking more looking stuff up and like you're eaving culture. UM.
(33:36):
I started looking things up like the connections of like
like how Africans were brought over to the Caribbean because
their first stop was in the Republic um. And then
I started doing more research like in Haiti and like
how like we were the first people to kind of
like free ourselves from slavery and how that looks. And
then like I'm really looking like I'm really like digging digging. Um,
(34:00):
I'm really like digging digging, and then I'm seeing like, oh,
well they used Bodoon to like really like free themselves
because these people didn't have any weapons, like they didn't
have the resources that the French had, So that I'm yeah,
so this is when like now like something in my
body is like this is it? Like either are the
(34:22):
things that you need to learn and need to process? Um.
So so a lot of my healing journey has kind
of like been tapping into my roots and finding out
about like who I am, which has been like super
super difficult because my family's all over the place. Um,
I don't really have a connection to a lot of them.
(34:43):
UM some kind of just like trying to figure things
out day by day. UM. And then it's hard because
sometimes I want to like reach out to people, like
because there's, um, there's like this community center near me
that they practice EFA UM, and I be like wanting
to go over there and like see, like can somebody
read my head and can I go through the process
(35:03):
in that? But like you know, some people are like
a lot of people be faking ship like she's like
a trend now, So I get yeah, so I get
worried that like somebody gonna try bamboos with me, and
I feel like I have discernment, but also who wants
to go through that ship? Like I don't want to
see here trying to meet like you know, meet people
and try to like put my all into something just
(35:24):
for like something like download because sometimes I like I
have discerning about something and I'd be like, oh, just
give them a try. It's so like just just give it,
and then like you get you get sucked in that way.
So I'm like that's definitely still been a thing. That's
how I know you're spiritual because, um, when I had
my leg get togethers, I'm gonna introduce you to my
(35:45):
home girl Montana because she's like, I'm spiritual too, but
she's similar to you because when you said read your head, like,
I know what that means. That's what she's trying to do.
She found a place somewhere and um, I want to
say somewhere in Harlem child and making us a short child.
She went there and the nigga had chopped off a
chicken head that said, oh no, it's gruesome. Yeah. But also,
(36:10):
whenever you ready, I told you I shared with you
my um it, my spiritual team because she doesn't so
to those episodes, they were good. Oh yeah, I was
just like to say. She also spoke about that in
her episode about kind of who had her head? Yeah,
I was. I was really enjoying those episodes. I was like,
(36:32):
oh my god, I gotta tapping. Yeah, she's amazing. She's amazing.
And last but not least, do you have any regrets?
Oh girl? Um, I always have struggle with this. I'll
always struggle with this question because um, I do when
I don't, So like, do I wish that like I
(36:56):
had like a perfect relationship with my mom and I
didn't go through all these things and that like life
was peachy. Sure, yes, Um, do I feel like I
would be the same person I am today without those experiences?
Absolutely not, Like I feel like they really shaped who
I am and I'm able like I feel like this
(37:17):
is my life purpose. My life purpose is to help.
Like I'm a helper, like I naturally help, Like I
always want to help people and kind of bring them
up in whatever way, shape or form that I can so.
But I feel like if I didn't go through all
these things, I wouldn't know how to help. I wouldn't
effectively help as like the way that I do today. Right,
(37:39):
So it's like it's it's like both like, yeah, I
wish I was. I wish I grew up with my
dad living the best life like the parents, living his
best fucking life. By the same time, it's just like
that life wasn't for me apparently, and that's okay, um,
because now I have this so and this really feeds
(37:59):
me helping people, It's really feeds me. Um. So I
guess it's like it's like, oh, what I would like
to see what I'm said. Hell yeah, But at the
same time, like I get a god like you needed me.
You needed to give me a mission, and that's why
I'm a soldier. You want his foot sold just to
do the thing. Wait was your set name pelt? Yeah? Yeah.
(38:29):
When I was telling you, I was like, so, people
who I grew up with, like that's what they call
I'll tell you crooks are so fucking wokey. I know.
I said this bitch been, this has been, not been
this bitch set name. Yeah, definitely wh it Definitely. It's
(38:49):
tatted on me. Actually, like I got my first sixty
Like that's how that's it. I do it. Yes, I
was like, se call her that because I had this feeling,
this age for people that she grew up with call her.
This is what the set call her. Yeah, but like
those listen people like I grew up with, Like it's
(39:11):
so crazy. Um, like parents called me that, Like yeah,
like that is what they called me. It's like, now,
I appreciate you excited that you wanted to share your
story on my on my show. I feel like this
was a really amazing story and I love the fact
(39:32):
how your story was full circle, like what you're doing
is definitely guy's work. And I'm just so thankful that
we finally cross paths because I don't know how we
didn't know each other because I've been doing army for
a friend for over ten years. I need to you know.
I pressed them about that ship too. I'm like, so,
when when did you meet her? I was like, now,
(39:54):
you definitely need and like I was over there like this,
I'm from Brooklyn. I was like, means like every fucking week.
I'm like, I'm Holly ashamed of you, like Holly, and
we look together. Yeah, I know I went to your house. Yeah,
I know it because I remember I was like, damn,
where are you living at? Like it's far as hell. Oh,
(40:17):
so facts like the fact that we lived together because
I have to get out the trade and I'll walk
mad far and I'm like, where the hell am I'm going. Yeah. No,
I'm so happy I met you. So thank you much again,
and to the listeners, if you have any questions, comments
and concerns, please make sure to email me at Hello
at the PhD podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone,
(40:40):
this is definitely gonna be a two part I see
that long right, I'm not eight o'clock, but until next time. Everyone. Later,
I was about to say, you're not gonna say by guy,
and I'm waving like I know y'all. I talked from
(41:05):
my hand later. How are you
Host
Eboné Almon
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