I Tried Ketamine Therapy For My Depression

Join host Eboné on another enlightening episode of The Professional Homegirl Podcast as she dives into the transformative journey of one woman's battle with depression and her unexpected path to healing through ketamine therapy.

In this deeply personal conversation, Eboné and her guest explore the profound impact of grief on mental health, especially for only children, and the distinct challenges it entails. Together, they navigate the complexities of mourning for an only child, pondering whether parents should begin clearing their possessions before they pass away. Moreover, they reflect on the additional emotional burden that the loss of a parent can impose, whether it occurs suddenly or is anticipated.

Eboné's guest shares her initial skepticism and fear, followed by the courageous decision to explore ketamine therapy, and the profound effects it had on her mental and emotional well-being. From breakthrough moments to unexpected challenges, this episode offers a candid exploration of the highs and lows of navigating depression and finding healing through innovative treatments.

Connect with Eboné:

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Website: www.thephgpodcast.com

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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
What's sub Professional Homegirls.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
It's shagarl Ebine here and we are back with yet
again a fire episode. Okay, but before we dive in,
I just wanted to express my thanks for the incredible
feedback on I Denounce My Sorority Part one and two episode.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
Y'all.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Reception has been truly amazing, and I am so grateful
for all the dms, the messages, child the text messages
because some of y'all got my number and just letting
me know how it resonated with you all. So thank you,
thank you, thank you for listening, and most importantly, thank
you for sharing this episode with your Professional Homegirls. Now
before we start, Key Kim, if you need some advice

(00:50):
or if you just want to chat, do not hesitate
to shoot me an email at hello at thepsgpodcast dot com,
and just a hands up. We did reach our goal
on Instagram, but we did have a few hayen nest bitches,
So if you are not following the Professional Homegirl on Instagram,
please make sure you do ad the PHG podcast and
catch us on YouTube and TikTok at the Professional Homegirl Now.

(01:14):
Today episode is a real gem, y'all, and I know
I say that about every episode, but this week's episode
was just so amazing. Recently, I've been exploring the topic
of grief with my loved ones and just how grief
has manifested in all of our lives. So when I
stumbled up upon my guest story, I was completely intrigued
because I'd never heard of this type of therapy before.

(01:36):
Not only did she introduce me to the concept of
ketemine therapy, but she also shed light on how grief
can uniquely affect an only child. As we dive into
her journey navigating the highs and lows of her mental health,
you'll be able to discover the profound impact that ketnine
therapy has had on her life, from taking that first
step into the world of unconventional treatments to the ongoing

(01:59):
journey of healing. Our guest shares insight into the transformative
power of alternative therapies and mental health care. Now, this
episode was so good that I decided to let it
rock because y'all know I try to keep it under
forty five to sixty minutes, but since I am in
such a good mood, you get the entire episode in
one sitting, So without further ado I try heaty meine

(02:22):
therapy for my depression starts now. All right, to my guests,
thank you so much for being on the show.

Speaker 3 (02:30):
Y'all.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
We've been kicking for like the past ten minutes.

Speaker 3 (02:34):
Thanks for having me. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 (02:36):
Me too, Me too. How are you? How are you doing?

Speaker 3 (02:40):
I'm great. I you know, have definitely been worse for sure,
Me too, Me too. I feel you. Yeah, So I'm
good and I'm happy that I'm good today. Me too.

Speaker 1 (02:55):
And you look good. My guess is pretty all.

Speaker 3 (02:58):
Oh? Thanks, Look I went and got a washing gus
today and I don't. I'm not a washing girt girly.
So I feel like I look like a weird boy.
But we're making it happen.

Speaker 1 (03:06):
Got pa.

Speaker 3 (03:09):
Look that's how long my hair really is. It is
my one lot. My hair shrinks so much. It's just
I look like a weird boy.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
But that is crazy shrinking. It's like the hair, y'all.
This will give y'all a visual. Her hair is like
to her ears, but she just pulled it. It's like
to your chest no.

Speaker 3 (03:27):
Yeah, yeah yeah, waist length hair. But it's crazy.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
That is beautiful.

Speaker 2 (03:35):
Well, you know, I was telling my guests that I'm
super excited to have her on because I feel like,
as you all know, I am a really huge advocate
for mental health and you know, I mean that's the
reason why the Professional Homegirl was founded from my pain
from losing my grandmother. So I'm really excited to jump
in with your story. So I watched your videos about
you being the only child, and it led to me.

(03:56):
It led me to wonder about the unique situations when
it comes to only children. So do you believe parents
have a responsibility to prepare their child for their passing?

Speaker 3 (04:09):
I actually do think there is some sort of responsibility
that comes with only having one child. You have to,
I think, be a little bit more organized as a parent,
and you have to be a little bit more communicative
and telling them. Like my mom always told me, if
something ever happens to me, open up this particular briefcase.

(04:33):
And it was one of those like old timey briefcases
with a combination that you have to use. And the
combination was my birthday. And she didn't tell my mom
was married twice and she didn't tell none of her
husband's the combination. She only told me, like you know,
the combination and combination is your birthday. So yeah, and

(04:54):
she was very like organized as far as like she
wrote down all of her Internet passwords and like her
credit card, her banking stuff or whatever. And I think
she knew that, you know, when the time dick come,
that I was going to have to do everything by myself,
which I did.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (05:12):
I have some healthfare from her sisters and stuff like that,
But I think the responsibility, the onus is there for
the parents. Like a lot of people want to like
gloss over it or not talk about it. I don't
know that's the thing. In a black community, we'd be like, yeah,

(05:32):
it's like you're gonna make it happen, or something like
I need to be prepared. Can you prepare a little bit?
So yeah, I think it's really important for people who
do have just one kid to at least try to
get some things in order and then tell them where
the stuff is that you got an order.

Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2 (05:54):
I agree, especially when it comes to like just financial security,
because planning a funeral and everything like that, that shit
is not.

Speaker 3 (06:02):
Cheap, Oh my goodness. And I thought I was gonna
have to do some underhanded, fraudulent type shit when when
my mom passed away, because like the memorial service that
I had for her was like six grand or something.
I didn't have that in my account, you know. So

(06:24):
I was just like, I'm gonna have to use her account.
And at first I was like, Oh, I'll just write
myself a check from her account and then you know,
deposited and it'll be there, you know. But it was
gonna take like three to five days or something. Yeah,
And so I was like, I'm just gonna write a

(06:45):
check from her account. And if I mean, they know
she's dead, they know, the funeral home knows that this
person is deceased, and here you are writing a check
and I just gave it to the Like I was
so great stricken at the time that I was just like,
just take me to jail at this point, Yeah, don't
get me here. If you're gonna take the check, take it.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
If not, just call the police because I'm like I'm
ready to clock out anyway.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
So I'm ready to clock out. Please hurry up, somebody.
But yeah, I think, Oh, another thing that I want
to say add that I think it's super important that
I don't think enough people talk about for parents who
maybe have just was for any parents, really, no matter
how many children you have, start getting rid of your stuff.

Speaker 1 (07:32):
I was going to bring it up, Yeah I don't
have so much stuff.

Speaker 3 (07:37):
Yeah, it's like really hard and this you're grieving, and
like I found myself like anything that my mom wrote
on I wanted to keep. It could have been a
grocery list from nineteen eighty seven, and I'm like, first
of all, why do you have this still? Right? That's
number one? Number two? Why am I going to keep it?
And this file folder? Because it has your writing and
it like makes me feel like you were real person

(08:00):
and not just some fever that I had.

Speaker 2 (08:02):
You know, I want to talk about that when we
get there, because I thought that was interesting because I
also experienced that emotion. But we'll get there, okay. So,
in light of your experience, which do you think is
better a long, gradual goodbye or a quick unexpected death?

Speaker 3 (08:19):
And why so? I actually had this very conversation with
one of my old coworkers who's his mom had cancer,
and so we both thought as we were having this
discussion that the other way would be the better way,
Like he thought the quick way would be better because
my mom died unexpectedly and very quick after a knee surgery,

(08:41):
she developed a blood clot and then it it just
she passed out and just never woke up.

Speaker 1 (08:46):
Did she know about the could she feel the blood clot?

Speaker 3 (08:49):
Do you know? Oh, my mom was actually a nurse,
so she knew that she had a blood clot. She
drove herself to the hospital. They gave her some blood
thinners or something, discharged her after a couple of days,
and as soon as she got out of the car
from being discharged, she fell down and never woke up again. Yeah. Wow,
so very like, what's happening? And this is when I
was living in New York and she was in Mississippi,

(09:12):
and so I was getting all these phone calls. This
is back in the day when you couldn't talk on
the phone on the train, right.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
Cause niggas be on the phone on the train all
the time, Like who are you talking to on the ground.

Speaker 3 (09:24):
So I when I first moved there, that's when people
would be like, if you see anybody on the phone
on the train, they're crazy because you can't talk on
the phone on the train. But now you can, So
I can't use that rule anymore. But I thought that
the long goodbye would be better, only because I felt
like I had so many questions. Yeah, I just wanted

(09:47):
to like sit there. I wanted to record her. If
I had a long goodbye, I would have recorded me
asking her a lot of questions, yeah, hearing her voice.
Just I would have just took so many more pictures
of her body, you know, Like it's like sometimes I
sort of forget how her hair, like the texture of

(10:10):
her hair actually was, because she blew it out a lot,
and so I wish I would have had just more pictures,
more time. And even though the longer bye, I feel
like is starting the grieving process earlier because you know
that this person is going to pass away eventually. I
just think it gives you so much more time to

(10:33):
get questions answered hopefully, you know, if the person can
still like speak and make decisions and stuff like that.
It's like what do you what would you want me
to do with the house? You know, you know, instead
of like just guessing, I just felt like I was
guessing at everything because my mom was passing was so unexpected,
and I felt pressure to make her proud and like

(10:57):
make sure I was doing it right. I know, I
still don't know if I was like doing it right.
I was just trying to like make sure stuff was
getting done. So yeah, in my opinion, I think the
long goodbye is probably a little bit more grueling, but
I think it gives you more opportunity to ask questions

(11:19):
and basically interview this person before they go.

Speaker 2 (11:23):
You know, that's so funny that you said that, because
my grandmother, she died from Alzheimer's slash the mission, and
I feel like I was just so caught up in
a moment that I didn't never I feel like I
didn't get to.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
Know my grandmother as a woman.

Speaker 2 (11:39):
Yeah, and I feel like who I am now was
just like being in love with storytelling and like sharing
our stories and stuff. Like I would just have love
to like just sit down and like just collect so
much from her, like because sometimes I even like, like
my grandmother, I don't know if you're a spiritual, but
like my grandmother, like she doesn't she really doesn't come

(11:59):
and visit me my dreams.

Speaker 1 (12:01):
So sometimes I have like a bad.

Speaker 2 (12:03):
Day whatever, and I'm like, damn, I wish I had
my grandma with me and just like that she'll come
in my dream like, because sometimes you forget their voice
or you forget how they smell and stuff, and then
they would just come and it's just like, oh my goodness,
like it feels so real, and I just be feeling like, Okay,
this did happen, like you are with me, you know
that type of feeling. So I agree, I wish that.

(12:26):
I mean, it did take her. It felt like it
took a long time for her to transition, But I
wish I would have been a little bit more proactive
in doing certain things to capture those memories that I
only have in my heart.

Speaker 3 (12:40):
Yeah. I agree with the thing he said about like
not getting to know her as the woman. Yeah. When
my mom first passed away, I had this sort of
long period of feeling super guilty because all of the
things that I was remembering, all of the memories that
I was keeping, had to do with meet. I'll be like, oh,

(13:02):
I remember my seventh birthday, and I'm like, no, I'm
trying to remember her, but it was just so focused
on me that it was almost like every memory I
have is of her just being a mom, and I
didn't really know her as a woman. Yeah. Yeah, and
I would have loved to My mom passed two weeks

(13:22):
after I turned thirty. So we were just entering this
like exodus from mom to friend. You know, we were
just just now getting to the point where we call
each other, like, girl, what you're doing, what you're watching
on TV? It was just to that point and then
this happened. So I feel like I really didn't get
to know her in the best way. But that's why

(13:43):
I always, like I asked, she had a four sisters
and a brother, and so I'll ask, like, what's your
favorite memory of my mom and when ya was growing
up or whatever, Like I asked other people that knew her,
trying to these together this person that I only knew
as my mother, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (13:59):
Yeah, No, I totally get it. I totally get it.
So when you found out that your mom collapsed, where,
like where were you at?

Speaker 3 (14:06):
Like?

Speaker 1 (14:06):
What how did you find out?

Speaker 3 (14:08):
Who called you? Okay? So I was on I was
coming home from work in New York. I was working
in Manhattan and living in Brooklyn and Crown Heights.

Speaker 2 (14:18):
And I used to live in Crown Heights. By the way,
I know you from somewhere.

Speaker 3 (14:25):
This is weird.

Speaker 1 (14:27):
I used to live Utay.

Speaker 3 (14:29):
I was on Sterling Place between Rogers and Elstrand.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
We probably saw each other on the train, because I
seen your face somewhere on the four train.

Speaker 3 (14:38):
I don't even remember what train, I said. I think
I took the egg on one way and the two
coming back, Is that right? I don't know, Yeah, I
don't know, all right. I don't remember the B forty four.
I know I took the B forty four sometimes.

Speaker 1 (14:52):
Oh see, I don't take no bus. I can't take
the bus. Oh yeah, bust of the New York be
stressing me out right.

Speaker 3 (14:59):
No, it was a time, A time was had. But
so I was on the train coming back coming home
from work, and like I said before, like you know,
you couldn't talk on the phone on the train back then.
So when as I was coming up the stairs, my
phone was going crazy and it was all these it

(15:21):
was family tweets, messages, calls, everything staying call home, call home,
call home. Wow. And so I called my mom's house
and my mom lived alone, and this random lady picked
up the phone and I was like, hello, like who
is this? Yeah, I was like, is my mommy there?

(15:43):
And she was like, So my mom was a nurse
and she had all these nurse friends and they're very
nonchalant when it comes to nurse things. Yeah. Yeah. And
so she was like, Oh, she outside on the ground.
We waiting on the ambulance. I think she having a
little shroke. I said, what now, this is me coming

(16:05):
in blind because nobody in the tweeter, in the twitters
or the messages had said your mom has collapsed. Nobody
said anything. They just said call home, right right, And
so I was like, excuse me. What I was like,
is she okay? Can I talk to her? And she
was like, she's not really saying anything. We're waiting on

(16:28):
the ambulance and I'll call you back when, you know,
when I find out what hospital they're taking her to.
The ambulance is taking her to. Now, apparently what this
lady had done was she looked at my mom's phone
and she found the first person that said aunt, so
and so the first person I looked like family.

Speaker 1 (16:46):
Oh so yeah, she know each other like that.

Speaker 3 (16:48):
I don't know that lady. Oh wow. I did not
know that lady at all. And so she called the
oldest aunt. This aunt was probably ninety something years old
at the time when she called her. And then aunt
called one of my mom's sisters, like, apparently Diane and
fell down somewhere and nobody could get in touch with right.

(17:12):
So that's basically how it all started. And then by
the time they took her to the hospital, you know,
they don't give any information over the phone, Yeah, unless
the person authorizes you. And my mom came in unconscious,
so they could not tell me anything. And so I

(17:36):
had my one of my mom's sisters that lives in
LA I had her on the phone on a three
way call with the hospital and I said, Auntie, they're
not telling me anything. They won't tell me anything. And
by this time I had already booked a flight. I
was like, I'm going tomorrow, like I'm down there, and
my aunt asked a very cru crucial question. She asked

(17:58):
the lady. She was like, I know you can't tell
us anything, but if this were your family member, what
would you be doing right now? And the lady said,
if this was my family member, I would be on
the next flight. And I was like, and that's when
I was like, I'm not ready, right right, I'm not ready.

(18:19):
I don't know anything. Like literally, one of my mom's
last text to me was I put seven hundred and
fifty thousan on your account. Like I just I wasn't
an adult yet. I didn't feel ready. I just felt
like I was still so dependent. So yeah, it was.
It was a time. It was a really crazy, crazy

(18:40):
time to be like I just turned thirty. Off's a giddy,
I'm grown.

Speaker 1 (18:47):
I'm that bitch.

Speaker 3 (18:53):
Thirty thirties. Baby, we better get lit. No, now, sit
down and cry because basically that's yeah. So she actually
never like woke up or whatever, and I had to, Uh,
she was on a ventilator, so I had to like
do the whole thing of signing the papers like four

(19:13):
days later. I think I signed the papers for her
to like get taken off the ventilator, and I waited
for like some more family to come in and then
sign the papers or whatever. But yeah, it was. I
always say that, like my mom's passing was very tough.

(19:33):
It was very difficult for me, But I think it
was just the catalyst because what happened after that is
that everybody, seemingly everybody started dying. Like I had like
uncles die, my two dogs died one year apart, and
then like my dad died.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
What was the timeframe between your mom and dad?

Speaker 3 (19:59):
Five years? Wow. Yeah. So my dad died when I
was about to turn thirty five.

Speaker 1 (20:07):
If you're mind share, he had.

Speaker 3 (20:09):
A massive artist.

Speaker 2 (20:10):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (20:12):
His was very sudden as well. It wasn't no like, hey,
you know he's in the hospital. He just again another
one that just went down. And then I had like friends.
I work in advertising and one of my like ad
mentors a young black guy. He was I think we
were either the same age or he might have been

(20:32):
a little younger than me. He passed away the same
way that my mom did, with a blood clot after
a knee surgery. It was so crazy, wow. And so
I was just going to at least two to three
funerals a year after her, and it just felt like
I started just feeling like what am I here for?

Speaker 2 (21:05):
Did you ever feel like you just weren't going to
make it? Because my grandmother passed away when I was
twenty nine, and I was ready to tap out, like
I just could not continue life anymore.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
Yeah, I definitely felt like I didn't see the purpose
I felt, especially because again I'm an only child. I
don't have any children. My grandparents had already passed away
some years back, and so my grandparents were deceased, My

(21:39):
parents were deceased, and even my dogs were de seased.
I had no man, no.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
Kids, girl going through it.

Speaker 3 (21:49):
I was like, what it's the purpose? I mean, did
I was like it might be a punished like did
I step on like some kind of holy bug at
some point? Because holy I'm sorry, you know what I'm saying.
I'm like, I repent and yeah, it just it just
seemingly to me, it felt like it was never ending.

(22:12):
It was like one hit after another hit after another hit,
and I just felt kind of like a disappointment I was.
I was grieving those people, but I was also grieving
the life that I thought I would have. Yeah, and
so I think grieving the life that I thought I
would have, Like I thought I would be married, have kids,

(22:34):
and my mom would be a grandmother and we would
be over the grandma's house, and like I pictured this
whole life for myself and it just poof went away instantly.
And I think that was even harder to be I'm
still dealing with that because I'm just like, I'm trying

(22:54):
to be happy with the life that I have, but
it's hard to imagine, like unimagined something that you've been
thinking about since you were little. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (23:06):
No, I get it, I get it. You know, grief
is grief.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
Ain't no bitch grief at all. Yeah, it took me
a very long time. And I don't think you would
ever be okay with the people you love not no
longer being here. I just think you just learned how
to deal with it better as time goes on.

Speaker 3 (23:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yeah, because I feel like.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
My just with my grandma, Like it took me a
long time to accept the fact that she was no
longer here because I never experienced death before. So to
be able to experience depth from somebody that you consider
her mom is like, that's a that's a hard pill
to swallow.

Speaker 3 (23:40):
Oh man. I think my grandmother was my first like
family death as well. And like I said, my mom
was a nurse. And so when my my grandmother was
like she had she had told everybody, do not recess
to take me. God is in control your grandma. My
grandma said that. She said she the DNR like, now

(24:01):
recessitate me, stop, don't try like if got if it's
my chance or my turn to go, And she was
really let me go. It was red d honey. She
was like I'm ready to see my God, okay. And
so meanwhile, I'm I'm at the house like back in Mississippi,
and my mom was my grandmother lived in Chicago, and

(24:22):
my mom was there, like some family members were there
at grandma's house. And I don't think my mom wanted
me to be there. She probably knew I would be
too emotional or whatever, and so she called me. She
was like, yeah, Grandma's vitals are going down and her
heart isn't beating like it was or whatever something. I said,
do what you gotta do, right, You know how to

(24:44):
recess the time, I said, you know how to cepr
that thing right on back? And here she goes, she
doesn't want that. I don't care. Yeah, she didn't know
what she was talking about.

Speaker 4 (24:56):
Yet.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
My grandma was ready to be with the Lord.

Speaker 3 (24:58):
Baby. Ohay, she said, dude, not recess to say. I'm tired.
I have lived and done everything I was supposed to do.

Speaker 2 (25:06):
But what a beautiful life to live to get to
that point where you're okay to be like I'm ready
to go, I'm ready to be with the Lord. Like
I'm not there yet, oh.

Speaker 3 (25:17):
Please, at all? Not at all? Oh? And that's the
thing like that was one of her things, like God
is in control. She always staying that. So she just
I think she just felt like, if it's my time
to go, it's my time to go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:32):
Now, in what ways have you noticed grief manifesting in
your life when it comes to emotionally, mentally and physically.

Speaker 3 (25:39):
Oh well, physically I had. I went through this whole
time period of like, I'm an emotional eater, so like
I was just eating a lot, eating, crying, sleeping, you know,
not in that order, but maybe maybe in that order.

(26:03):
And so I gained a lot of weights. And you know,
the weirdest thing was that I started being like very introverted.
I'm I'm kind of I always say I'm kind of
like an extroverted introvert. But I started being super introverted

(26:24):
because I didn't want I didn't feel like pretending anymore. Yeah,
I didn't want to go out and be like hey girl,
people like how are you doing? How you being? I'm good,
I'm good, I'm I'm making it. I'm I didn't feel
like it. I don't want to. I just wanted to
like sulk, be in my house and be alone. You know,

(26:46):
my phone was barely ringing anyway. So I'm like I'm
good here by myself. And that was a little bit
of a switch into I think that's where I started
isolating and like switched over into depression. It went from like, oh,
I'm an introvert, I'm at the house to like, no,
I'm like becoming one with the bed.

Speaker 1 (27:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (27:10):
Mentally, of course, like the depression set in and it
was just a lot of I was just I think
I was beating myself up. I beg myself. It was
like am I making her proud? Am I doing the
right thing? You know? Would she want me to do this?

(27:32):
Like it was almost like I had decision paralysis, Like
I couldn't make any decisions anymore. Where I used to
just be like I'm moving to New York, I'm going
over here, I'm going over here, and like I couldn't
do Yeah, I wanted to make her proud, so I
was like would my mom want me to do this?
Or should I should not? I couldn't make a decision.

(27:55):
And I realized that like even though my mom was
helping me make decisions, I would always run things past her, like, hey, mommy,
I'm moving to New York. What you think about that,
She's like like she yes or no, but like I
didn't have that filtersurance. Yeah. Yeah, that's when you know

(28:19):
depression really like it knocked me down and I tried
to find it. Like, what's the line say, I tried
to sexy away.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
She said she tried to sex it away, shopping.

Speaker 3 (28:34):
Away to do all of that and she was still there. Right,
Oh that did not.

Speaker 1 (28:42):
Work, Like that's a fact. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (28:45):
I found out that, like there's no love like a
mother's love, you know, if you got a good one,
there's no love like that one. And I was trying
to like feel love from these knucklehaired negroes that void. Yeah,
and it just wasn't giving. It was all. It all
seemed very conditional.

Speaker 1 (29:06):
And that makes you even more angrier.

Speaker 3 (29:08):
Oh my gosh, I was just going through it. I
was talking to some knucklehead Brooklyn dude. God at the
time when she passed away, I was like just fooling
around with this Brooklyn guy. And that was the worst
thing that could have happened because I latched onto him
and he wasn't a latch on type.

Speaker 4 (29:26):
Like drug it should have been released, right, But I
was just holding on me because he was the only
person like he would come over and like took me things,
but probably.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
Because he didn't have a place to stay or something.
Was he was definitely a hobo, a hobo sexual correct.
But yeah, I struggled in that department and I feel
like I still struggle a little bit with the dudes. Yeah.
I just like, y'all ain't gonna love me, right, so
just leave me alone.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah, I'm surprised you're not celibate unless you are.

Speaker 3 (30:07):
I am, But it's not like a on a one
purpose like I am celibate. There's no like decree. It's
just like I ain't really fooling with me right now,
like y'all don't really, y'all give me the it.

Speaker 1 (30:22):
Yes, a lot of shit in what it's in the pool?

Speaker 3 (30:26):
In the pool, Yeah, it's a whole diarrhea in there.

Speaker 1 (30:30):
Yeah. Do you know if depression run run in your family?

Speaker 3 (30:34):
So that's the thing. I do remember that when my
grandmother passed, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And I
only remember that because she we had a conversation about
it and in one of my therapy sessions, like of course,
years later or whatever, they said, do you think your

(30:57):
mom taught you how to greem. I thought that was
so interesting because I did see how sad she was
when my grandmother passed away, and I did see how
she just stayed in the house and it seemed like
I was repeating that pattern. And so yeah, yeah, I
was like, that is super interesting, maybe because you know,

(31:19):
if you see somebody grieving because their mom died, and
then your mom dies, it's kind of like you know
what to do already.

Speaker 1 (31:27):
Yeah, because you was there.

Speaker 3 (31:29):
I was there. Yeah, I feel like maybe so you know,
I mean I I have turned into, like, uh, a
version of what she was doing. She in the house.
She watched cash Cab cab. She would she would tell

(31:53):
me trade cash cab is on turn the USA or whatever.
Child the child.

Speaker 1 (31:59):
People love it.

Speaker 3 (32:02):
They'd try to beat the people in the bag.

Speaker 1 (32:04):
Listen.

Speaker 2 (32:05):
I do feel like there should be like some classes
or something, or just some manual when it comes to
like like maybe somebody in the federal homes can come
up with this. But when it comes to like grieving,
and I know there's no right way to grieve, but
I just think that I wish I were to receive
something when it came to like what to expect because
I didn't know what the hell I was going through,
Like I thought I was about to pass away my

(32:26):
damn self.

Speaker 3 (32:27):
Mm hmm, yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 (32:31):
It's very intense, so hard.

Speaker 3 (32:34):
And then like because people kept dying after that, I
think I became like numb. Like now I'm the one that,
like I go to a funeral, I could speak, I
could do all you need me to read the thing. Okay,
I'm so like numb to it all. I'm just like
I'm zoning out right, I'm not even really there and

(32:55):
it's it's just you, right, and there needs to be
some sort of court class. Or actually when my mom
passed away, when I came back to New York from Mississippi,
I had hosted on Facebook, Hey New York friends, does
anybody have a grief counselor a grief and I actually

(33:17):
found a really great one who talked me down from
a lot of ledges. Like there was times when I
don't even think I don't know if I would be
here if I didn't immediately start grief counseling because it
was just like I just want to go be with
my mama at this point because I don't know what
y'all on y'all, y'all, don't act like my mama. Y'all,

(33:39):
ain't nobody really loving me? Like, ain't nobody ever gonna
love me like that? That was the realization that hit
the hardest.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Yeah, I was so mad at god. I was like, Yo,
you took.

Speaker 2 (33:49):
The one person same, the one person that fucked with
me unconditionally.

Speaker 3 (33:55):
Unconditionally, and just snatched them real.

Speaker 2 (34:00):
Like you didn't even give me a chance to like
do anything, like it's right?

Speaker 1 (34:05):
Are you okay?

Speaker 3 (34:06):
You mad? What's wrong?

Speaker 2 (34:08):
I was like so confused, Oh my goodness, But I
feel like, correct me if I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 (34:15):
But I feel like, did you have a support system?

Speaker 2 (34:17):
Because when I was watching your videos she smiled, y'all,
when I was watching your videos, I feel like you
didn't really have that homegirl or like friends, like and
maybe you had your family and stuff, but like you said,
nobody's like your mom, But like, did you have anybody
that was there for you?

Speaker 1 (34:33):
Because I feel like.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
When you're going through depression, especially when others are not
they haven't went through anything similar to what you're going through.
I feel like there's a lot of stigma right there,
and then people judge you and then they don't want
to fuck with you no more.

Speaker 3 (34:46):
Yeah. So that's a good question, I think because everyone
grieves differently, people do not know how to handle your grief. Yeah.
And so the way that myke that people were supporting

(35:08):
me quote unquote was sort of like just texting randomly like, hey,
hope you're doing good. Let me know if you need anything.
I'm not gonna let you know nothing.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
I don't even know what I need.

Speaker 3 (35:19):
Exactly, I don't I'm not gonna let you know nothing.
When my mom first passed away, like I had a group,
a core group of like four best friends that like
really hopped on it. And the sweetest thing that they
did was because they all couldn't be there is they
live in different states. But the sweetest thing that they
did was they all sent their moms. So one mom beautiful. Yeah.

(35:42):
One mom was able to talk her way into the
hospital because she used to work there and so she
was able to get me information. She was called sneaking
me call and giving me updates before I got there,
and the other moms were like making me food and
bringing me food, and they all spoke at the memorial service.
So it was like I had like a rally of
other people's moms, which I thought was very special. Yeah, yeah,

(36:08):
for sure. I don't go out that then that on purpose,
like hey, I'm gonna go over there, needs you or whatever.
But like I had grown up with these people, like
basically they're extended family because my best friends are like
my sisters because I don't have any, you know, So
they just all like jumped into action, and I really
thought that was awesome. But what happened is over time,

(36:32):
people just expect you to be better sort of immediately.

Speaker 1 (36:35):
That's a fact.

Speaker 3 (36:37):
Yeah yeah, And so over time, when I was still
sad and still grieving, people stopped knowing how to interact
with me because like I'm tired of checking me in
on her, like yeah, we don't want to do nothing,
Let's let's go to brunch, let's do the other I'm like, no,
I'm good, Like I just didn't. I wasn't there yet,

(36:59):
and so people just sort of faded away with the
support because it wasn't I guess in a timely fact fashion.
I had never experienced my mama dying before, so I
wasn't like I didn't know how long it was gonna take.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
I mean so, yeah, are you still cool with them?

Speaker 3 (37:18):
I am. I'm still cool with a couple of them, Okay.
And that's that's another thing. Like one of them her
dad passed away, and she didn't think that we supported
her in the way that she should have supported and so,
like we said, everybody grieves differently, and so you really

(37:40):
don't know how to support those people if they don't
communicate it and if you don't ask. So that is
something I learned from that experience, just to ask, like,
you know, even though sometimes they're not gonna tell you,
because I wouldn't have probably told them if somebody asked
me just let me know how I can support you,
I wouldn't have told them.

Speaker 1 (37:59):
She Yeah, I wouldn't.

Speaker 2 (38:01):
Honestly, I don't even know how you can support me
because right you can give my girl back?

Speaker 3 (38:06):
I no, can you get Jesus on the main line? Right?
Because see?

Speaker 2 (38:12):
Yeah, but it was one video I was watching you
and it kind of made me sad because you was
crying about I think it was just a very difficult
week for you.

Speaker 1 (38:22):
But what are your friends? They want to be friends
with you no more?

Speaker 3 (38:25):
Yeah, that's the one that's the one that uh, her
that's the way, and like she didn't think we were
supportive of her, so she basically just dipped. She didn't
communicate anything with us, and she just dipped on the
friend group. And I was just super hurt by that
because we've been friends for almost thirty years. Yeah, and

(38:46):
so it seems like, wow, like you wouldn't You didn't
even give me a chance to like do better. You know,
I feel like I supported her in the way in
which I would have wanted to be supportive, but again,
she wanted different and I just didn't know that, you
know what I'm saying. Yeah, Yeah, it's very hurtful. And

(39:07):
again that goes back to me saying it seems like
every year I'm losing people. I'm losing like family, friends,
people just whether they're dying, just walking away or differing,
you know, don't want to commit me all these dudes.
Like it just feels like I just keep losing people

(39:28):
left and right. And that's what makes me like go
deeper into like a depression. I think, is you oh
for sure? I'm like, listen, I know I'm a little weird,
you know what I mean, I'm a little I'm a
little goofy or whatever. But like somebody that's been friends
with me for almost thirty years, you should be used
to it and be able to, you know, communicate like, hey,

(39:54):
I need to talk to my sisters a little bit
more like I'm falling into a deep dark hole. Boom,
I'm calling you more. But she never said that, and
I guess we didn't ask the right questions. So yeah,
that's done. Well.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
You know, I do know that sometimes grief of played
my games. When you grief, have you think of this?
This one is not really not that, so sometimes you
just gotta let time play as part.

Speaker 3 (40:17):
Yeah, I wrote her a letter of like a card
or whatever, and I told her, like, you know, love
you love your family. I'm still your friend even if
you ain't my friend, right, so you know, we'll see,
like you said, the only time will tell. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (40:32):
Now, earlier in our conversation, you mentioned about how parents
should reduce their belonging. So do you think your mom
should have done that? And the reason why I asked
because I know a part of your depression your house
got like really like cluttered.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
To the point where you yeah, you couldn't even move
through it.

Speaker 3 (40:49):
No, okay, so it was a trickle down effect. So again,
once my grandmother passed away, my mom was the oldest,
she went to the house and even though people took
you know, stuff, little stuff here and there, my mom
basically took everything of my grandmother's Wow. So now my

(41:10):
grandmother stuff is at my mom's house in Mississippi. Then boom,
my mom dies. So now I have a house full
of not only my mom things, but my grandmother's things.

Speaker 1 (41:24):
That's a lot.

Speaker 3 (41:25):
It's a lot, and I'm one person, I'm my only child.
And also I'm grieving and just going through it and
not even wanting to get out of the bed. So
it just started compounding.

Speaker 2 (41:39):
But I could not be depressed every time. It's right
in your face, the grief.

Speaker 3 (41:44):
Right in my face. It's like her clothes or like
I was. I tried to go through a couple of boxes.
I couldn't make the boxes because I would always I
call them in my on my YouTube channel, I call
them little landmines. I would always find something that's like, oh,
here's my grandma's journal. Like so now I'm sitting there
reading and crying and oh, you know whatever, And it's

(42:06):
just like crazy, how you could start with such good
intentions like oh, I'm gonna little area today, and then
you stumble across something that just brings everything right back
down and you're right back in the bed. And so
that's really why I started my YouTube show called Depression
Nests because I recognized that my house was getting out

(42:28):
of control. I recognized that I wasn't doing anything to
maintain it, and I just kept buying more things to
like help me retail therapy, like is my jam like
I just be like, ooh that's cute. I'm gonna get right.
But I was adding to the clutter, and so it
was just getting out of control and I needed an accountability,

(42:49):
something that was going to keep me on tasks. And
so because I have to make these videos every week,
it's definitely keeping me like, Okay, we gotta keep cleaning
because there's a video do list.

Speaker 1 (43:00):
Content creation will put your ass to work.

Speaker 3 (43:02):
Oh you made some content listen.

Speaker 2 (43:06):
Content will snap you out or whatever you go through
because you gotta put the videos.

Speaker 3 (43:12):
Exactly exactly like that's the you know. I started for
that reason. And I also was like I was nervous
when I first started because I was like, I'm putting
my mess on display because you.

Speaker 1 (43:26):
Gave a walkthrough. I was like, oh, wow, she's.

Speaker 3 (43:29):
Really doing this. Yes. I was like listen, you know,
I put like a little disclaimer on my little you know,
description box or whatever. I was like, if y'all want
to say something mean, you're gonna be blocks immediately. Like
I don't have the mental bandwidth or emotion capacity right
now to handle like the mean comments. But I was
really nervous about like putting it all out there because

(43:52):
you know when somebody call you and they say like, hey,
I'm in your neighborhood, I'm gonna stop through. You gotta
hurry up right, running all over.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
Right, throwing ship in places, you know it wrong.

Speaker 3 (44:08):
They're not going to open this cabinet, just throwing everything
in there, And like, I don't want to live like
that anymore. I want to just be like, okay, girl,
i'll see you soon. Like I just want to be
chilled because my house is already together. And so yeah,
that's why I started it, because the depression really got

(44:29):
me in a place. But you know, having messy rooms
is kind of like a clear sign that you might
not be feeling well. It's like, yeah, a brain, your
brain is like being manifested on the outside and your living.

Speaker 2 (44:43):
Yeah, what's the saying about a club of space as
a club of mine or something?

Speaker 3 (44:47):
Exactly?

Speaker 1 (44:47):
Yeah, exactly, that's a fact.

Speaker 3 (44:50):
Yeah, for sure, I really do believe that. And also
you have to have some you know how people with depression,
like sometimes they don't take showers. You have to you
have to have the wherewithal to want to like live
better or like shower, you want to like do things
for yourself. People with depression, it's a struggle to do that,

(45:14):
to do those things, like nothing matters, so why am I?
What am I doing that? It's sort of like that.
So yeah, I just had to get it together. And
I honestly, when I look back on some of those
original videos, like you could see how sad I was.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
Oh you have a glow now, I know right, Like
I look.

Speaker 3 (45:40):
So much better. I feel so much better.

Speaker 1 (45:42):
Like you look lighter.

Speaker 3 (45:44):
Yes, that's how I feel. I feel lighter. I feel
like the tasks that I have to do, like they
don't seem as difficult, they don't seem as like Daun team.
Like sometimes one of my friends she'd be like, why's
your betting? It's Sunday, wash your betting. I'm like, girl,
I didn't even wash this shirt.

Speaker 1 (46:05):
I even washed my ass.

Speaker 3 (46:10):
Right stripping the bag. Girl. But like, you know, ever
since I had started the treatments or whatever, like just
been washing my bedding regularly, like cleaning up, like it's
just nothing seems no. Yeah, I'm really pleased.

Speaker 1 (46:40):
And we're gonna get to the treatment.

Speaker 2 (46:42):
But I just want to bring this up because I,
y know, when you said this, I was like, Yo,
this is how I feel like.

Speaker 1 (46:49):
I feel like sometimes I'm like, was my grandma even real?

Speaker 3 (46:52):
Oh? Yeah? Oh yeah, that's I feel like, especially the
longer it gets. Yes, since that person passed away, you're like,
did I is this a real part? Did I make
this person up? And that's why it's really hard for
me to get rid of my mom's clothes, Like I
haven't gotten to that part of my house yet, but

(47:13):
I already know when I get to that closet with
all of her clothes and stuff and there, it's gonna
be tough because that is the part to me that
makes me feel like she was a real person, like
actual physical clothes that she had on her body at
some point. It just makes me feel like, Okay, she
was real, she was you know here and just like

(47:36):
getting rid of that stuff is gonna be tough because
I feel like that's the pieces of her that were tangible. Yeah,
like actually giving away. But I can't hold on to
that stuff. I don't know. I don't want to. I
don't have any kids, but I don't want Whenever I
passed away, whoever gonna go through my stuff, they gonna
be in for a shock if I were to, if
I were to pass away right now, maybe they walk

(47:59):
in the house like, oh yeah, please call that one one. Wait.

Speaker 2 (48:07):
Do you ever for your mom near you? Like, do
you ever dream about her or anything?

Speaker 3 (48:11):
I haven't in a while. But like what really kisses
me off about the dreams that I have about my
mom is that they're so regular, Like it'll be her,
like girl passed me the remote. Huh No. When I
waked up, I'll be like, I'm mad a remote in

(48:32):
my dream, Like why would you do that? Like I
got questions were supposed to hug and stuff.

Speaker 1 (48:38):
You know, you know, it's so crazy.

Speaker 2 (48:40):
So this is probably the first year because you know
how certain days come around your body kind of like
tense up and you know like, oh shit, that day
is coming. So this year on the anniversary of my
grandmother's passing March first, I've just been so busy that
I forgot that that was the anniversary. And I'm pretty
sure I would have remembered, but you know, just regular life,

(49:01):
hustle on, bustle, right. And so I was sleeping in
the bed whatever, and I was dreaming and my Grandma
don't really come and visit me too often in my
dreams whatever. And sometimes I can feel her or I
can smell her sometimes, but like in my dreams, I
don't really good chance to like see her. So in
my dream, we're just running around her house having a
good time, and she kept saying like fifteen fifteen, So

(49:21):
I'm like fifteen what Nana'm like, what are you talking about?
So I don't know if she was saying fifteen minutes.
But then then she kept saying, I'm always with you,
I'm I always, I'm always with you. So I'm laughing.
I'm like, all right, girl whatever. Because it felt so
real and it reminded me of us, like me being
an adult, but it felt like I was a child
in the house that I grew up in with her.
And so rewind to the first dream I had, I

(49:44):
actually had a dream that my grandmother was going to
pass away before she passed away, right, So fast forward
to the current dream. I had that same exact dream, right,
and I end up, you know when they put the
sheet over the person, and I pulled the sheet back,
and my grandmother because PHG the Professional Homegirl was founded
because of her, and I always wonder like if my

(50:06):
grandma would be proud or I wish she would be
here to see some of the things that I'm doing. No, Lie,
I pulled the sheet back. She had on this white
polo shirt that had in my closet with the PHG
logo on it. When I tell you, I was like, nah, girl,
we're not doing that.

Speaker 3 (50:24):
That's okase.

Speaker 2 (50:26):
And I woke up and it was March first, and
I was like, wow.

Speaker 3 (50:31):
I love I love stories like that, Like I only
had one. I would like to call it a visit.
I don't think it was a dream because it was
just too blended with the real world. So I was
at this was like very soon after she passed away.

(50:53):
My mom passed away and I was in her bed
reading a book and I had two dogs at the time.
They were in the backyard and they started barking like crazy,
barking in the backyard. And then my mother, my mom
was fifty eight when she passed away, which.

Speaker 1 (51:12):
Is pretty young though, yeah, pretty young, but.

Speaker 3 (51:17):
I'm going to give her thirty eight year old version
of my mother walked in and my mom, like I
told you, she had a knee surgery, so she walked
with a cane for a long time, and she just
walked in, no cane. She looked young, she looked different,
and she just walked in. She stopped and she like

(51:39):
propped her hand on the dresser that was right there,
and she said, try, you're not going to see what
the dogs barking about. And I was like, oh yeah,
And I got up and I looked through the window
and they were just barking in circles. And then it
hit me that that was my mother who just said that,
And I said and then immediately I was on the

(52:00):
bed again.

Speaker 1 (52:02):
Wow, I was like what.

Speaker 3 (52:06):
It just seems so real and so crazy, because why
would that be the version of her that I would see.
That's why I don't think it was anything that my
that I was doing, you know, But yeah, that's like
the one that I hold onto because it seems like
she came back and like, but again, regular you're not

(52:31):
gonna check on the dogs. That's something she was saying,
regular life.

Speaker 1 (52:34):
But no, she came But I wonder why she came
back younger.

Speaker 3 (52:38):
That's the thing. I have no idea, because I was like,
when I sat on the bed again, I was like,
what was that?

Speaker 1 (52:46):
Were you freezed out?

Speaker 3 (52:48):
I kind of was because I but I was happy
to have like felt like I had some kind of encounter.
But I was still like, wow, that was so interesting,
like because I have heard, you know, of people saying
like the apparitions or whatever, that you might see if

(53:11):
somebody might be their younger version or something like that,
and so I've heard that before, but that's still weirded
me out that like a super young version of her
just sauntered through the door with no caine, no nothing,
like just like, girl, you're not gonna see what them
dogs barking about.

Speaker 1 (53:27):
And the dogs aren't really barking.

Speaker 3 (53:29):
The dogs were really barking, and you know they're saying
animals can like sense, yeah, like spirits and stuff like that.
So I feel like the dogs were like they knew,
they knew, and so it was too real to be
a dream, even though when I looked back, I was

(53:50):
back on the bed and I was like, was I
just sleep? It felt very strange, but that's my That
was my one little visit Yad. I couldn't wait to
go to therapy and tell the lady. She was like
what girl, No, she was like she was one of
those like hippie dippy.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
Oh okay, okay, lady.

Speaker 3 (54:08):
She was into it. She was like, yes, is it yeah?
So yeah. But again she hadn't say nothing profound, nothing prophet, like, girl,
tell me give me the secrets of life.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
Yeah, but you know, I think that's so doubtful because
there's so many things that we don't know that we experience.
But it's like, you know, you know what you saw,
you know what I'm saying so.

Speaker 3 (54:30):
Exactly exactly, and like nothing like that has ever happened since,
you know, I've seen her here and there in a
in a dream. One time I saw her and my
grandfather's mother, my granny. They actually died the same year,
my granny and my mom and so.

Speaker 1 (54:48):
Was your grandfather's mother to your great grandma.

Speaker 3 (54:52):
My great grandmother and my mother died in the same year. Wow, yes,
she died. My granny died in February and my mom
died in November. So I one time was I had
a dream that I was walking down the street in
New York and a cab pulled up in front of me,
and then they both hopped out together and I was like,

(55:17):
now what is going on here? And they was on
some surprise.

Speaker 1 (55:24):
No, we ain't doing no surprise in New York.

Speaker 3 (55:26):
City with no cabs.

Speaker 1 (55:27):
What's wrong with you?

Speaker 3 (55:30):
What are you talking about again? I just feel like
I don't know if, like you know how some people
say that they can like take over the control of
their dreams. I just feel like I have that, Yeah,
because every time I want, I always just wake up
too much and then I can't return back to.

Speaker 1 (55:52):
Like it happens one time and that's it.

Speaker 3 (55:54):
That's it. And then I remember that I saw them
and I'm like, oh, that was great, you know.

Speaker 1 (55:59):
How to see see beautiful? Though?

Speaker 2 (56:03):
Yeah, Now, explain what ketamine therapy is because I've never
heard heard of that until now.

Speaker 3 (56:11):
Yeah, so same. So ketamine is like the street term
for it's shrooms, which I know you have heard of.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
That's where I would because I'm like, is this a drum?

Speaker 3 (56:24):
Yes? It is it is a drug, it's shrooms. But
apparently they have been doing studies and they have found
that ketamine actually causes neuroplasticity in your brain. So what
happens is when you have depression, some parts of your

(56:46):
brain don't light up like they used to, right, And
so why you're sad all the time, you don't want
to do anything, You don't have the energy, you can't
muster the motivation to do things. These parts of your
brain are sort of lying dormant. And so when you
do this ketamine treatment, they have found that if you

(57:09):
do like six ketamine sessions within like three weeks, so
like two times a week, so very close together, and
like three one week after another, every time you go,
the ketemine lights up those parts of your brain, those
those neuropathways. And because you go so often, eventually your

(57:33):
brain remembers to light up on its own. And so
I had never heard about it. I gotten I had
gotten to a really bad point here in February. I
believe where I was gonna dial or text nine eight
eight and nine eight eight is like the mental.

Speaker 1 (57:55):
Health line line.

Speaker 3 (57:57):
And I was I was like, first of all, I
don't like talking to strangerself. For me, even thinking about
dialing nine eight eight was like a major thing where
I knew I needed some outside help yourself. I didn't
have any plan, but I didn't want to right right right.
I was like I didn't have like I don't have

(58:19):
like a way to do it, but I just felt
like it would be better. I would be better.

Speaker 1 (58:23):
Off if I was with somebody somewhere else with Yeah.

Speaker 3 (58:27):
So I instead of dialing nine eight eight, I have
a friend who's a nurse practitioner and behavioral health field
and I was like, I just it was. It happened
actually twice that week, twice in the same week I
was gonna dial nine eight eight, and that's when I knew.
I was like, it's this is too much. It's getting

(58:48):
to be too much.

Speaker 1 (58:49):
Something trigger you that week or so, I.

Speaker 3 (58:53):
Actually I told you I have this Atlanta condo. And
I actually put my Atlanta condo on the market and
I was cleaning up, cleaning it out and like getting
it in showing condition, and at that moment, I think
it was just too It felt like I was losing
something else, right, And so I've had yeah, I've had

(59:17):
two condos, you know, I've been like, oh, at least
I know. The one thing I felt like I was
doing to make my mom proud was I was being
successful in my career. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Like I was doing my big one I was doing.
And when I was decided that I was going to

(59:37):
put this place on the market, I just felt like
I was losing something else, and I was like, what
is the point? I just got to this really deep
dark place. And I called my friend who's a nurse practitioner,
and she was like, I've been hearing some things about ketamine.
Have you ever thought about it? Do you know about it?
And I was like, absolutely not. I'm not a drug user,

(01:00:00):
Like I don't. I don't do the drugs, Like I
barely drink. I've done like some weed gummies, but like
they do nothing for me. And so she was like, no,
the FDA has just approved ketamine as a nasal spray
for depression, so people know that kedemine works for depression.

(01:00:22):
And so she was like, let me call around and
find you a place with an MD that is administering
because a lot of these sometimes it's kind of meane claims, y'all.
You know those like ivy hydration oxygen. That's what I'm saying.
I don't want those. You want somewhere where there's some doctors. Yeah.

(01:00:45):
And so she ended up because she knew I wasn't
gonna do it. She ended up calling a place. She
talked to the doctor. MMMM, and this is one of
my best friends that you know, I consider like a sister.
And then she called me back and she was like, hey,
I called this place. I talked to the doctor and

(01:01:05):
he told me x y Z. Basically, he told her like,
it's been working for war vets, it's been working for
people with like extreme PTSD, and it's you know, the
studies are showing that it's actually working. It works really fast, man,
she was I. So I just straight out asked her.
I was like, do you think this is something that

(01:01:25):
I should do? And she was like, I actually think
you should give this a try. And I was like, okay,
I'm doing it. Tell him to call me. So he
called me. The doctor called me and we had like
a little consultation and I made my appointment that day.
I was just like, okay, I'll do it. And you know,
it was four hundred dollars a session and insurance cover that.

(01:01:46):
I don't think so, not yet, but it probably will eventually.
Insurance covers that nasal thing. But I was getting an IV.

Speaker 1 (01:01:53):
Yeah, so how many sessions did you do?

Speaker 3 (01:01:57):
I did six sessions, so it's twenty four hundred dollars
in total. But right after the first session, I felt lighter. Wow,
I felt I felt better.

Speaker 2 (01:02:09):
I felt could you do more than six? Or six
is like the requiring amount the first go around. This
is your first time doing it.

Speaker 3 (01:02:18):
Yeah, six is like sometimes depending on the clinic, they
might ask you to do eight. But I think six
is like the minimum within many weeks. Yeah, yeah, the minimum.
And then actually I'm going to go back again later
this month for like a booster.

Speaker 1 (01:02:33):
You should get boosters.

Speaker 3 (01:02:35):
You can get boosters, so like you could go. The
doctor told me that sometimes people come back like once
a quarter or like twice a year or something, depending
on you. You know, if you start, he said, up,
I have like two or three down days in a row.
Come on back, you know, let's just get that fixed
up real quick.

Speaker 2 (01:02:53):
And so it's actually pretty dope though, yeah, and pun
intended pretty dope. Look, I was so nervous because I
was like, I don't I was imagining.

Speaker 3 (01:03:09):
Let me tell you what I was imagining.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
Yeah, because you never did drugs or anything like that before,
so I can imagine how your anxiety was.

Speaker 3 (01:03:15):
Oh my gosh, I was like, wat, should me be
the first person that dies from from an overdose drugs? No? Look,
because you know that guy from Friends, He died of
a ketamine overdose. The guy, the guy that plays Chandler. Yes,
Matthew Perry, I think it's his name. Yeah, he died.
He just died doing this keta mean no, No, he

(01:03:39):
wasn't doing the treatment, but started taking it because he
was depressed. And probably they probably just because he's a celebrity,
they probably just gave it to him. You know what
I'm saying, Like you and he probably just odd on
that because it does feel great, you know. So I

(01:04:00):
could see how people if that, if you just have
it in your hand, I could see how you would, yeah,
take it one day and then maybe the next day
be like, you know, I'm gonna need a little top
off sometime off. I could see how that could happen.
But I thought I was going to see like I

(01:04:22):
was picturing like seventies tied eye kaleidoscope. It was going
to be like the seven Hell, I thought it was
going to be like that, right, and it was. It
was very weird. Of course, I watched some YouTube videos
of some people who was talking about their experience with Academy,
all white people, and.

Speaker 2 (01:04:43):
I had You're the only only brownie I saw doing this.
That's what really.

Speaker 1 (01:04:47):
Made me intrigue.

Speaker 3 (01:04:48):
Yeah, and and that's why I decided to record all
of my sessions.

Speaker 1 (01:04:53):
Yeah, which is helpful.

Speaker 3 (01:04:55):
Yeah. I wanted to be the face that I didn't
see when I was trying to find information on it
whatever facts, And so I try to describe it to
some of my friends who asked me like, so, what
is it like or whatever, and it is, it's just
very A couple of my sessions were very like existential,

(01:05:15):
like I got I got everything. I was questioning everything,
like what is people? What is Like I had on
an eyemask and I was like touching it and my
fingers felt funny, and I was like, what are fingers?
What are toes? It was that it was getting were
you high? No, yeah, it's a it gives you. They

(01:05:38):
call it like a trip. M had a trip and
so uh. And then sometimes I would feel like I
was I was floating like an outer space and then
other time I was like sinking into myself. I can't

(01:05:58):
even really, it's very strange, but I will say that.
Shout out to Jenea Eko because her music is she
has an album that's called Trip. I really feel like
she does kedamine. Let me just put that out there.
I don't know you, but I feel like you do it.
And because your music went too good with.

Speaker 2 (01:06:17):
The drill, I'm pretty sure a lot of niggas in
the industry do that just to keep themselves up with
everything is going on.

Speaker 3 (01:06:24):
Yeah, because it after the very first one, I just
felt lighter. I even in my YouTube video I do
a comparison from that morning before I went yo no Lie.

Speaker 1 (01:06:39):
I saw the different that.

Speaker 4 (01:06:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:06:40):
Yeah, it was.

Speaker 3 (01:06:41):
Like my eyes were closed, like it was like I
could barely open them or something. And then afterwards.

Speaker 1 (01:06:48):
Alert, I was like, hey, y'all wide open, like right.

Speaker 3 (01:06:54):
I even I noticed it, and I'm looking at my
own face, you know. Yeah, food tasted better. I was like, God,
damn it feel good. It's the same food I had yesterday.

Speaker 1 (01:07:04):
But this, well, that just shows you how real depression is.

Speaker 3 (01:07:08):
Okay, it like takes it makes everything dang and everything
is just a downer, you know. And so yeah, i
just finished my six sessions last week and I'm still
feeling good. I you know, I still feel good and
I'm excited about you know, what it did for me.

(01:07:32):
And I'm also very happy to get on anybody's platform
and talk about it because if I could help, you know,
just one more person feel better and like climb out
of that deep dark hole, yeah I will.

Speaker 2 (01:07:46):
And how many booster shirts are you gonna do? Cause
I know you're gonna you're taking one very soon, so
how often? Like what's the frequency with that?

Speaker 3 (01:07:54):
I think I'm just going to you know, see it out.
I'm not really sure, but I just want to to
do I'm leaving. I'm about to leave Atlanta soon. That's
why I was like, well, let me just get one
in with the same clinic that I used to before
I go back to Chicago and then either I'll find
a place in Chicago or you know, maybe come back

(01:08:16):
to Atlanta with the people that I know. But yeah,
I think I'm just gonna like see, I'm hoping that
maybe if I can do just like one a quarter,
I can still feel good.

Speaker 1 (01:08:25):
That's rightly all you need too.

Speaker 3 (01:08:27):
Yeah, yeah, I think I'm happy with the results. And
this helps people who have anxiety, PTSD, any kind of
traumatic events. It really helps with all of those things, depression,

(01:08:48):
all of that. And so yeah, I'm when you reached out.
I was like, oh, hell yeah, let's talk about this,
because you know, I just feel like black people ain't
doing this, oh for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:09:00):
No, honestly, I don't even think they're not doing it.
I don't think black people know about this.

Speaker 3 (01:09:05):
No, yeah, exactly, Yeah, because I'm telling you I didn't
know nothing about it. And so my friend, my friend
that I called is white, and she was the one
that brought it. Like, yeah, Kenny me and you heard
about it. It's kind of it's gonna make you happy
a little bit. I'm like, I.

Speaker 2 (01:09:23):
Was telling my cousin about this, and my cousin you
know hood nigga.

Speaker 1 (01:09:27):
Yeah, I'm about the interview this girl she did kedd
of me. He was like, Nigga, that shrooms.

Speaker 2 (01:09:32):
I was like really, he was like, yeah, nigga.

Speaker 1 (01:09:36):
I was like, oh, I help her though.

Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
I'm like, from what I see him, like, she seems
happier and lighter. He was like, yeah, he was like,
I know that feeling too.

Speaker 3 (01:09:48):
Look my friend that I called, she had done shrooms
like recreationally, and she was like, no, yeah, it's gonna
make you feel good for sure, it's right, right. But
the thing that I think what's amazing for me is
that I still feel good like later, you know what
I'm saying, Like the effects are lasting. And for a

(01:10:12):
lot of people, I was on anti depress I mean,
I'm still on antidepressants, but I was on antidepressants before,
and it takes like six to eight weeks for antidepressants
to like even start doing anything.

Speaker 1 (01:10:23):
For a lot of people.

Speaker 3 (01:10:24):
And so for you to take one treatment and like
sort of feel better that immediately, it's I think that
was just a godsend because I was just like, oh shit,
I should have did this a long time ago. I
should have. I should have, right, I know.

Speaker 1 (01:10:40):
I know Reagan and Nancy Shress.

Speaker 3 (01:10:43):
Okay what and I said I said that. I said
I was a part of the their generation, like I
mean everything like and now I'm like.

Speaker 1 (01:10:53):
Yes, yeah that.

Speaker 2 (01:10:59):
So did you have to make any changes to your
self care routine or like, how are you coping with
things now that you are on Kennemy.

Speaker 3 (01:11:07):
Well, when I was doing the treatments, like you can't
drive for twelve hours.

Speaker 1 (01:11:15):
Yeah, I saw that.

Speaker 3 (01:11:17):
Yeah, so I when I would come home, I would
just sort of like veg out for that day. Like
towards the end of the night, I would be up.
I'm like, oh, okay, I gotta do some editing, I
gotta do some this and that. Like it was crazy.
I was like actually getting shit done. Like I'm usually

(01:11:38):
a very bit procrastinator, and I was just getting shit done.
And it felt really good actually, because nothing felt like
so daunting. It didn't feel like it was gonna be
hard to do or I was putting it off or whatever.
It just felt like, let's hopp into this, let's get
this done. But other than that, like I think the

(01:11:59):
thing that has probably stayed a little bit the same
is me staying at home a lot, like I still
don't leave my house a lot, like I'm not out
and about, but for the most part, like I'm doing things.
You know. One thing that I noticed that really like
made me feel good was that I started singing in

(01:12:21):
the car.

Speaker 1 (01:12:22):
Oh yeah, And that was.

Speaker 3 (01:12:24):
Something that I realized that I haven't done forever, Like
I usually listen to a podcast and I just zone out.
I don't speak. I don't really say anything in the car,
and you know, I drive down from Chicago to Atlanta
and back up like a lot, and it would just
be like eleven hours of me just zone. Wow, it's

(01:12:46):
just WoT not saying nothing. And so after my first
ketamine and infusion, I went to Walmart. And as I
was going to Walmart, I I was like, you know,
to music, and I just started listening to music. I
put on a nineties playlist and I was singing down

(01:13:07):
Boom Boots. I was singing hard. I was like, you
wrote the song. Ohkay, it was amazing. And so you know,
I'm I'm just starting to notice things. And other people
have been like you, You're like getting back to yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:13:27):
Yeah that's good.

Speaker 3 (01:13:29):
Yeah, I'm just really excited about the prospects of it because,
and you know what, it makes me feel hopeful that
even if I do have some days where I'm feeling down.
Before I felt very hopeless because it was like nothing
can help me. This is my life. Now. Yeah, I
was just giving up. But now I feel like, even

(01:13:49):
if I do have a couple of days where I'm
feeling sad, I'm gonna make an appointment, and I know
I'm not gonna be sad, you know for a minute
after that, knowing that there is something that can actually
helped me and it's like actually working. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:14:03):
Yeah, and you also invest in yourself, like even if
you have the faith of a mustard, see, the fact
that you're still fighting is just like that's inspiring because
a lot of people wouldn't even do that.

Speaker 3 (01:14:15):
Yeah. Yeah, because listen, I was, I was right there
about to give up on everything, and I was like,
I just my friend was like, I don't have I
wish I had four hundred dollars a session. I would
I would do it. And I said, well, if I
had jumped off of somebody's bridge, they weren't gonna get
their money anyway.

Speaker 1 (01:14:35):
Yeah, so what I figure it out?

Speaker 3 (01:14:40):
I'm like, if you figure everything else out right, just
on a credit card and be happier.

Speaker 1 (01:14:46):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:14:47):
And it wasn't it wasn't worth it to be like,
oh this is so expensive. I just wanted something to
help me, period.

Speaker 1 (01:14:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
We have two more questions, but something else just came
to mind. Is there anything else that you can can't
do when you're doing kennymy like is there any like
I know you can't drive, but do you have to
prepare for anything? Like do you need to eat a
certain amount of food or.

Speaker 3 (01:15:09):
I actually saw in some other people's experiences that they
weren't eating for four to six hours before. So I
always made my Kenemine appointments in the morning, like ten
thirty or eleven, and I just wouldn't eat anything before
I went okay, and so, but they do give you
like a nausea, a little nausea, little pill, yeah before

(01:15:34):
it starts, and yeah, they just I think some people
probably get the spinnies what they call the spinnies, where
like the room is spinning, and yeah, I never got that.
That never happened to me. Nothing was ever spinning. But
see how if stuff is spinning, how you would feel
dizzy and like maybe throw up or whatever. But like

(01:15:55):
every time I went there, like are you feeling any nausea?
Are you feeling Nope, I'm good because I never eight. Yeah, yeah,
maybe that was a thing. But I would say avoiding
alcohol after you know, oh yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say
like do ketamine and then go to a bar or
something like that.

Speaker 1 (01:16:13):
Oh god.

Speaker 3 (01:16:14):
Yeah. But other than that, I nothing, you know, no
drugs that I was currently taking interfered with it, and yeah,
I think it was just you know, a topper something
to top it off.

Speaker 2 (01:16:30):
Now, if you what would be some advice you will
offer to someone considering Kellymine therapy for the first time,
What would be your advice?

Speaker 3 (01:16:38):
My main advice would be to try it once and
if you feel better, go ahead and continue. My I
think I just kept thinking because I had learned about
like the neural plasticity and like how it was forming

(01:16:59):
neuropaths ways and like lighting up the old ones that
were dormant. Once I learned about that, I did not
give a fuck what happened. When I was laying down
on that chair. I would just like in my head,
I was just like, get in there and do what
you gotta do. Light up stuff. And if you think
about it like that, I think you're more likely to

(01:17:20):
finish the whole treatment because your life everything that needs
to be light lit up in my brain to be
lit up. But I guess my main advice would be
the just if you can afford it, or find a
way to afford it, at least try to go once
or twice, and you probably will feel better. I felt

(01:17:42):
better after the first one.

Speaker 1 (01:17:43):
You'll find it four hundred dollars after that first.

Speaker 3 (01:17:46):
To think about everything else you spend four hundred dollars on,
like you could find it somewhere. And you know, I
feel like, if your life is on the line, it's
worth just trying once, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:18:00):
And last, but not least, if you can tell your
mom one thing about this journey you've been on since
she departed. What would that be academy journey or just
my life's journey, your life journey since she transition.

Speaker 3 (01:18:13):
O child, I would tell her that I was still trying. Yeah,
I think I you know, I think I would like
to have been like, oh, you know, I did this,
I'm so successful, and I traveled here and I did

(01:18:33):
all lah lah lah. But if I had the opportunity
to just say one thing to her, it would just
be that, like, I'm still trying, I'm still doing it,
I'm still here. She probably would understand how much of
a struggle it was, considering how sad she was when
her own mother passed away. Yeah, and so the fact
that like I'm still trying, I think as a very

(01:18:57):
important statement for not only you know, to tell her,
but like to tell myself, yeah, and I'm still trying,
and I don't even think she will understand.

Speaker 1 (01:19:06):
I think she would be proud.

Speaker 3 (01:19:08):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:19:09):
By the way, I actually have.

Speaker 3 (01:19:12):
A sticky note on my mirror at home in Chicago
that says she's proud of you. Yeah, And so I
have to kind of remind myself because I just be
like thinking, I'm out here doing the worst. But yeah, no,
I'm doing pretty well.

Speaker 4 (01:19:25):
Yeah you are. You know.

Speaker 2 (01:19:27):
I'm so happy that we connected. I think this conversation
was so it was just so like it made me
feel really good, like you're eating soul food.

Speaker 3 (01:19:38):
Yeah for sure. Sure. Yeah. I appreciate you so much
for asking me to come on here.

Speaker 1 (01:19:44):
Yes, yes, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (01:19:46):
And I hope this inspires other people to really invest
inate mental health because as far as we know, we
only get one shot at this period, so.

Speaker 1 (01:19:54):
Make the best out of it.

Speaker 2 (01:19:55):
So to the listeners, if you have any questions, comments,
or concerns, So if you want to say hey girl, hey,
please make sure to email me at hello at thepsgepodcast
dot com. To my guests, thank you so much for
sharing your storyline because, like I always say, you never
know how your storyline can be someone else's lifeline, and
until next time, everyone Later. The Professional Homegirl podcast is

(01:20:26):
a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For more
podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget to
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me on social media at the PG podcast