March 5, 2024 • 42 mins
Welcome to this week's episode of The Professional Homegirl Podcast, where Eboné invites you to explore the unsettling realm of online dating. In Part 1, Eboné's guest bravely unveils her own harrowing experience, exposing the dark underbelly of dating apps. Together, Eboné and her guest delve into her tumultuous journey, from the initial thoughts and emotions preceding their meeting to the shocking events that followed.
Moreover, her encounter leads her down an unexpected path, forcing her to confront the shadows of her traumatic childhood. As she unravels the layers of past pain and resilience, she fearlessly delves into the effects of PTSD, shedding light on the enduring impact of trauma on one's life.
But the twists don't end there. Stay tuned as Eboné and her guest unravel the shocking surprise awaiting her during the conviction process, adding another layer of complexity to an already gripping narrative.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode covers sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. Hey,
Professional Homegirls, it's your favorite phg here at Ebene and
this week we are diving deep into the chilling world
(00:23):
of online dating. Join us as my guest. Shed's light
on the darker side of Mardern romance and the digital age,
unraveling the twists and turns of her own terrifying experience.
Get ready because my dating app, Nightmare Park one starts now.
So to my guests, thank you so much for being
on the Professional Homegirl podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
How are you? How are you doing?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I'm good. I'm handling and hanging in here in Texas,
dealing with three and four seasons in one day. But
you don't send down here. Listen.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
New York the other day was fifty degrees. It was
beautiful outside, like God was outside playing with us. So
you know, it was rain and it was cold. I'm like,
we I don't know what we're getting.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Yeah, I don't know what. And I think that's what
people get sick. They don't know how to dress. Do
I do thermal Because it's started off at thirty degrees here,
by the time one two o'clock, it's eighty degrees and
we right back down to fifty. We don't know what to.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Do, right, and I got a silk press. I'm like,
I might have to put another bus down there.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
You see it? Yeah, no, we can't do no press
down here because I will sweat it out or Ilmilla
freeze it out. So like it's today, come on now, yeah, yeah,
come on, come on, braid at the roof.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yes, yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
I feel like this is gonna be a really good conversation.
We met key keying on and off throughout the day
and it's just been really, really fun talking to my guest.
So I'm really excited to have you on.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Yes, me too.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Now, how do you think Dayton has evolved over the
past years, especially with the rise of technology and dating apps?
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Why? Right?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
And so oh we're gonna get into it, because dating
has changed, well.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
It has, I mean, even especially given that I've had
a very intimate connection to the online dating it has.
It's it's I feel like technology has made it to
where we are more apt to being okay with meeting
people online because things like social media with Facebook and Instagram,
we live each other's relationships online. People I haven't seen
(02:30):
in ten years I still feel like I'm connected because
I've been able to live their life with them online. Right.
And then you know, some people would say, well, I
don't like online dating because I don't know if it's
going to be the person that I met. Well, you
can get that with somebody in person. I've met some
folks that fold.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Me a couple of them.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Yeah, so like people can be right in your face
in line. I unfortunately have had a terrible experience with it,
and so I'll never deal with it. I actually met
someone that I didn't want to have an intimate relationship with.
It was just going to be cordial. It was recommended
by my therapists because I traveled so much and do
so much business. I had been in a relationship in
(03:09):
like four years by choice. She was like, why don't
you get out there and just go online? Because you
travel so much with work. I don't necessarily get out
when I go travel to speak and things of that nature.
And I'm in Austin with it's not a large black
population in Austin, so I can literally go days and
not see a black man. So she was like, go on,
(03:32):
and so I went online and met someone and three
days later he ended up kidnapping, torture me.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
Yeah. So when I say online dating has changed, like
you still have to be very very careful, and for
some people it's worked. I know some people that have
some very great relationships they're married today they met online.
And then you have the extremes like me, where it's
like yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Right, Well, I think you make a really good point because,
like yourself, you know, my business is growing, so I'm
just like I'm hustling. And I also have been celibate
for quite a couple of years, so now I'm like, okay,
I'm ready to get back out there.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
For like me and God is on the same page.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
But it's hard to like meet people when you're always
like working, so you think the next best thing is
online dating, And like your therapists, my therapists even recommend
the same thing to me or just girlfriends or people
I know, like you just try because you never know
who you can.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Meet, right right, Yeah, And I think you know what
I've learned from my situation is how to be more
diligent and alert about people that I allow, even just
in my sphere, even meeting out and public and things
of that nature, and to not let your guard down,
even if you're not like intimately attracted to them, still
(04:47):
having some level of you know, awareness that this could
turn south or it could be okay, but just still
having a protective mindset.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
For the best pair for the words.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah, but do you think it's for individuals to have
a genuine connection if they do meet online?
Speaker 3 (05:04):
I do. I feel, especially with women, women tend to
get emotionally connected before men. We always hear about that.
You know, women will emotionally cheat before actually physically cheating.
We tend to be able to build relationships over the phone,
Like you can have a phone relationship with a woman
that she fall in love. You can have a text
relationship and you know, we're being fed what we need.
(05:26):
We feel like they're seeing us, hearing us. We have
a conversation. You haven't even touched the person or seen
them yet, and you've fallen in love with more of
the emotional intellectual compatibility that you all have. So I
do feel you can genuinely develop feelings for someone and
then of course the physical is just that added attraction
(05:46):
that might be. But if you've already built the emotional
and mental they don't even have to look good, have
to be this Coca Cola body shape, and because I
love the minds and how it makes me feel and
how he engages me intellectually, all that other stuff.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Is you know, right, and don't let him have a dollar.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Right, Oh, and that then we're really working with something.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Looks don't matter no more.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Well, how much of an influence do you think social
media plays on when it comes to Martin data and dynamics.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
I feel there's some false narrative when you deal with
social media because social media, and I tell people all
the time, especially when I'm doing sessions, I need you
not to compare yourself to anything. On social media. A
lot of individuals will post videos in that same night
they done broke up. They beat each other side the head.
They don't even like each other right, or because they
(06:47):
want attention, or they don't actually have confidence because most
a lot of narcissistic people are on social media. The
people that you see every single day, they got to
picture themselves every single day. They got to picture it
their couple because they got to show the world they
in love instead of actually living the life. So I
hate that. Then people go online and say well, I
see so and so they always doing something, they always
(07:10):
look happy, they always but not understanding that within every
relationship there's work that's there, there's compromise, there's you know,
sometimes you butt heads, but you make a conscious decision.
I'm working through with this person, not for the looks,
but because I actually genuinely like this person and want
to partner and do life with them. So that's the
only negative I feel is that social media gives a
(07:32):
snapshot in time that's normally not always accurate, and how
you compare yourself to that and like cheat yourself out
of a good person because you're comparing it to somebody
you see on social media or other circumstances.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
That's true. We're living in a scary world, man.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Yeah, But do you feel like the media and dating
apps they do a good job when it comes to
awareness about the dangers of the day and apps, because
I feel like you don't really hear a lot about that.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
No, they might have a little disclaimer if that, but
most of the ones that I went to, it doesn't
really talk about the you know, catfishing and how prominent
that can be. And for those that don't know, catfishing
is when someone puts a picture that doesn't look like
them and or might not even be their gender, Like
we've had that where it's actually a man posing as
a woman, get you in and then they reveal that,
(08:24):
Oh no, I'm completely Someone said separate. That's called catfishing.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
But you know how don't have fishing is in this
day and age and you don't need to be dating that.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
You're right, but just for that younger generation, just think
a right. But no, I don't feel they do enough.
They don't talk enough about the dangers or again, if
you do decide to meet up with someone in person,
just kind of listing jews and don'ts and what to be.
They don't really go into that. They feel like you're
an adult. You got to handle it, do it, deal
with it on your own. They don't have the liability
(08:55):
for it.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
So when you're a therapist told well, I guess she
introduced you to online dating, Like, what were your thoughts
because you never did it before? Or have any of
your friends told you about it as well?
Speaker 3 (09:04):
Yeah? And I mean I probably when I was younger,
I might have had a page up. I think back
in the day black planet.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
I would say black plant Planet.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Yeah, that was back in the day. I think I
might have had a profile for two three days and
I was done. Like, I was never an active online
dating app person period, But when she brought it back
up to me a couple of years ago, I hadn't been.
I didn't even know all the sites that were out there.
Of course dot Com, some of the ones that have commercials.
(09:35):
You hear the tender jokes, which I knew I wasn't
gonna want to do that because it's known for hooking up. Okay, well,
then I'm out the door on that night. Yeah. Facebook
had just dropped their dating app that was the one
and I and at first I was weary. But what
I noticed was that you could do their dating app
and none of your friends would see that you're on it,
(09:56):
so it wouldn't be anything.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
That's a fact. That's a fact.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
Yeah. And then the people that they originally were sending
me were like engineers, I'm veterans, pair of legals. So
I was like, oh, okay, they're sending me professionals to
kind of match the fact that I'm a professional. I
don't need a whole bunch of self employed. You know,
most guys I ain't got no job.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Health employe's a lot of times there, I'm just saying
a lot.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Of timmies the red flags. But they were sending me
professional people, and so I was like, oh, well, maybe
I can just entertain conversation even if it's just online,
not necessarily that I have to take it to in person.
But I wasn't like really weary at first. I was like, oh,
this actually looks like it's pretty decent.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So what caught your attention on his profile?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
It made you want to go out and date with him?
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Well, there was nothing. I don't feel, Yeah, because I
was kind of dabbling with a few folks that you know,
they reach out. I think he actually reached out to
me to say, hey, I like your profile. And I
had like three or four people on there that you
just start little conversations and see if it's gonna go anywhere.
(11:10):
And it was only about three or four days in.
Because he was local, he was like, hey, you know
there's a place which wasn't far from me, would you
like to just grab dinner? You know, it wasn't It
was every nonchalant.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, right, So did he mention anything about his personal
life or work or anything that seem out of the
or why are you smelling?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
No, I just you know, because come to find out,
the narrative that he gave almost none of it was true.
So when we did actually meet for dinner again, once
I saw him in person, I knew then I didn't
want to like date him, Like I knew that was established.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
He wasn't my type like that, he was like my height,
and you know, I just I was good like it
wasn't somebody and I just wasn't physical.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
There was no chemistry to I see somebody.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Like, oh, if you know when you got chemistry with
somebody r.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
You typically know when you're right within there if there's something.
But he was great conversation. So when we were sitting there,
he was saying it was from Nigeria that he used
to be a lawyer. In Nigeria, he moved to the
and became a solicitor, which all of that makes sense
because the transition and when he got to the US,
which he has an eight year old son, he said
(12:27):
here and he came back to the US to be
with him, and he was a paralegal because once you
come to the US, you have to get that all
over again. It doesn't travel on transfer, right, yeah, saying
his brother is the king of this tribe in Nigeria
and pulling out pictures of his mom in you know,
the traditional headdress.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
And oh he goes going all the way out.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Honey, Like you know, he was talking while he's this
great person. He hadn't been in a relationship in five years,
and he just was looking to meet people to be
friends with, you know, And he found me based on
if you google me, you can see that I have
a long record of doing positive things, right, So it's
not like I'm not known in that regard, so he
(13:10):
could see I was about my business. He did this.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Do you think he kind of like, what's the word
like scouted you out.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yeah, we're gonna get to that. But ye, that initial
sit down that we have for dinner, that's what it was.
Just he was actually pleasant. I actually remember calling my
aunt afterwards and saying, Wow, he was actually somebody pleasant
to just talk with. Well, yeah, watching the game or whatever,
And I said, he cooks ethnic foods, and that's actually
(13:39):
what got me excited, what led me into my issue
that ended up happening. But I was born and raised
in Springfield, Massachusetts and so I've been around Haitian, Dominic,
Puerto Rican, Jamaican.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
All the West Indian foods.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Oh my gosh, just that culture of great food and
moving to Texas is really.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
In the South.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
You know, it's it's hit a miss down here. And
so when he said he was bringing up all the
foods and he's talking about the culture that I'm used
and he was like, yeah, I cook this, that and that,
I was like what. I was like, I gotta get
a plate. So he had hooked me with Okay, well
we'll stay in contact because I want to play. But
you know, it was I didn't have any guard to
(14:23):
him because he just seemed so cool, so relaxed, and
because I knew it wasn't something I wanted to take
more than just having good conversation with somebody maybe watching
the game every now and.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Again, all right, just a friend.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Yeah. I didn't have no intenna at all about it.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
So did y'all go out again or.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
You know? So we met on that Thursday for dinner
for an hour, and then the next I wasn't potentially
supposed to see him until Sunday. So Sunday there was
a game coming on because we were in it was
an NFL playoff time, and so I was like, well,
(15:03):
you know, if you want, we can shoot some pool
and watch the game on Sunday. And again, my goal
was to have everything be public. You know, we can
do something where it don't seem intimate, right right. But
that next day, while I was preparing taxes because I
also do taxes while I'm gearing up for the season,
he calls me and said, hey, I just cooked this dish.
(15:24):
That dish on your way to meet with your pastor
to drop off these items for the homeless. Why don't
you stop buying? Just scoop it. Scoop up a play.
And I was like, like, the because everything the night
before went decent. You know, I'm not there's nothing, and
(15:45):
I even had a one piece like I'm zipped up
with a jacket baseball right, and like I'm not even
looking like right right, right, right right, like I want
to do anything right right for all behind went And
so I went over there to get a plate, and
(16:05):
you know, I wasn't able to leave for the next
two hours. And it was one of the most one
of the most detrimental experiences of my life. And I've
been trafficked and so what's crazy is I've been trafficked
by my mom when I was an adolescent for three years,
(16:28):
and my oldest son is a product of that trafficking.
I had him at fifteen.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
By one of her drug dealers, right, yes, by one of.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Her drug dealers at that time. And so I've been
exposed to habitual sexual violence between child sexual assault by
my father to my mother pimping me out to then
that led to being into several domestic violent relationships, not
knowing my value or worth coming out of that one
when I was thirty six, where I was in an
(16:56):
oppressive relationship. That's why I went the stretch that I
went without being I realized at that point it's not them,
it's me. For me that I need to be able
to have the courage and strength to walk away from
red flags when I see them and not try to
be captain save a whole every time I get back inside,
(17:17):
or like I tell people I had to build a
bear spirit, I can build a man up and getting
ready to tell and he gone for the next one. Financially,
I'm depleted intellectually, you know. I feel like all I've
been is a transaction which I tell people all the time.
My mother helped to redefine my identity as currency, because
that's all I saw myself as was how much could
(17:39):
I get to take care of my family, to pay
the bills or do whatever it's necessary so that we're
not homeless. And here I am finally getting out to day.
I don't have no blinders on. I don't none of that.
I should have had all of it on. And he
just decided that no, what wasn't an answer. He decided
(18:01):
that me leaving wasn't an option until I was able
to find the right moment that I was able to
physically defend myself to get away and get out. But that,
honestly wasn't the worst of it for me. It was
after I got out of this he then harassed me
horrifically and then got other people involved as well.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
I find out who's the other people, some.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Random people in his Nigerian network, Chad, This ain't gonna
make the Nigerian men look good, man, It's not, And
I don't care because I'm not here to pease their
reputation because I know it.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
But I always hear this narrative of them or them
just being scammers and liars and stuff.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
So then this ain't gonna help. What I'm gonna say
next that after this incident, and he still kept harassing me,
and my therapist really encouraging me to report it because
I wasn't going to because I just know the systems
and how they work. But after I reported it, I
started doing my own research on who he was.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
But wait, before we get there, I want to ask
you a question.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
When you got to his house and you're eating a food,
you're comfortable, you're chilling, did you notice anything like did
you notice that something was about the something was about
to turn left? Or it was still like he had
a pleasant demeanor and things of that nature.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Right, So it started off very pleasant, making a plate,
getting the plate, putting the food over. You know, I'm
sitting down, getting ready to He was like, well, here's
a little bike before you go, and then he packaged
the rest and put some cookies in. And then it
shifted when he came around from the other side of
the island to give me a hug that I didn't
want or you know, press upon me. Pretty relentless. He
(19:54):
was very relentless, and so my personal space was a
no go. And then it just went from one extreme
to the next to try to get it to where
I could not be in a predicament to fight back
for myself or have the energy or the emotional bandwidth
to do it. So it started off like that and
(20:14):
then it just snapped.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
But how did you maintain composure, especially during the times
of uncertainty?
Speaker 3 (20:21):
I tell people, Unfortunately, being a survivor, I have had
to learn survival skills, and especially being trafficked at thirteen,
where I am literally the main breadwinner for a family
of four. At this time, I was taking care of
my two younger brothers my mom had and her and me,
and so I have had to be very resilient. I
(20:44):
know how to compartmentalize. I can put on a gang face.
I know how I with my face, if that makes
sense on the mass. And it's unfortunate because this incident
has completely broken me down to where I'm no longer
able to do that. That that once was very prevalent
is no longer she is. I'm going through what's called
(21:06):
an identity crisis now trying to figure out who this
news is because I really don't know her just yet.
But old could do what's necessary to get out alive,
and my whole concept was I don't want to make
him overly upset because I don't know what other physical
I don't know he has a gun, Texas is to survive.
(21:28):
I mean literally, I'm trying to like quail him down
a bit so that I can have latitude to outmaneuver him,
which I ended up having to do so I could
get out eventually. But after that a lot of the
horrible things had already transpired. But sometimes getting overly violent,
depending on your situation, is not good. Sometimes you try
(21:50):
to negotiate your way out. So I was trying to
negotiate my way out whatever I could do to get out.
So it's not so much that I just knew how
to hold my composure. It was just instinctual for me
to survive.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Yeah, do you blame yourself for this?
Speaker 3 (22:09):
I did. I don't know. Yeah, I'm getting to a
point because it's not your fault. It's not. But I still,
you know, my trial just ended. Like the last portion
of my trial was December fourteenth, so I'm fresh out
of this. The trial November thirteenth through the sixteenth, where
the jury then convicted him, But then the judge said
(22:30):
that oh, well, he doesn't need to be remanded, and
he never showed back up for sentencing, So my perpetrator
is out there, and even a sentence to ten years.
Thanks to the judge, he's free. And so I still
have to have alertness around me about how I moved,
and so there's still a level of I can't have
closure to this because it's still very open. And yes,
(22:53):
I feel like, you know, what did I miss? Like
those are the things that survivors always look back missed.
Something should not have not been as trusting or open
or you know, you can't say that because I know
some people that I dealt with that I knew then
for months.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
And then they never know what you're getting, yes, right,
you know, we.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Know married couples that were in relationships and married for
years and their about snaps and kills them or something
that you would have never thought they would have done. So,
you know, you try to walk yourself back off a
ledge of putting it all on you because he was
responsible for his own actions, and nothing that I did
that night allowed you to understand or think that I
(23:35):
wanted what happened to me. So that's when I start
to remove myself from the guilt component because I did
not do anything to allow you to feel you could
take advantage of me the way that you did.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Right, So, I know you mentioned earlier that you wasn't
going to press charges, So what made you want to
press charges afterwards?
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Oh? I wasn't I remember I told at the time
she was one of my best friend friends, and she said,
so are you going to the police? I said no.
I said, you know, I was the state wide facilitator
for the Human Trafficking Survivor Leadership Council. I know how
this does not work for us, and I'm Black, so
(24:15):
let me. I'm going to be a woman with it,
because I cannot dismiss the fact that we are seen
with an innate bias in systems. And I said, I
just don't want to go. I just don't want to
go through it. But I ended up getting sickly behind it.
And I was at the neurologist that Monday. So this
(24:37):
happened on a Friday evening. By Monday, I was at
my neurologist and he was like my real real outcry too,
and I ended up getting sick and then he said,
you know, you need to go to your therapist. You know,
you need to see her and talk through this, because
you this is not good. I was diagnosed with PTSD,
(24:58):
I was diagnosed with all this other stuff. So I
went to her that Tuesday and I could not look
her in the face. This is somebody that I highly respect.
Her name is Cheryl Alexander. She helped pull me out of,
you know, a dark place in twenty sixteen. When I
got out of that last kind of toxic relationship. She said,
you have a mantra, get loud, get out. You speak
(25:20):
to survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human traffic
because you've survived all of them, and you tell them
to whole perpetrators accountable because unless we continue to do that,
they'll feel and able to continue to do what we do.
And so I left her office in tears, drove myself
(25:41):
to the police station and went in there by myself
with a wall of nothing but white people on every side.
And I talk about that all the time, even going
into the law enforcements a lot I did.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
I was like, I'm surprised you ain't have a panic attack.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
No, I had more of They're not gonna hear me,
They're not gonna believe me, I'm wasting my time. But
it was actually even worse than what I thought. My
experience was even worse than that. It just I was
failed by the health care system, by law enforcement, by
the judicial system, by the prosecution and advocates, like by
(26:19):
the health care system, because the healthcare system, which is
a place that we're supposed to go if we get
the same exams, which is the sexual assault exams that
happen afterwards, or like again, when you're going to the
doctors and you're letting them know you have these things
going on, what resources do they lend to you? So
(26:41):
I look at my personal position was phenomenal, you know,
even gave me a hug, like he was very personal
because I've had a great relationship with him. But in
this space, when you let law enforcement know they have
a network that's supposed to reach out to survivors, none
of them reached out to me. It was two months
before I had an advocate from the prosecution, just and
(27:04):
that was after I asked like, hey, like, like you
don't have local resource, what are we doing victim services?
And they sent me a sheet that literally had three
names on it, two of which don't even take services
from the victim services, from our Attorney General's office.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
So what's the point?
Speaker 3 (27:23):
None of them that looked like me. So now you're
not even making sure that someone that's of color can
feel in a safe place or comfortable with having representation.
But it's just a follow up. I mean, it's just
you know, you don't feel seen. I didn't see a
black person until the bailiff of my trial two years later.
So that also lets you know, like the gap of
(27:47):
just representation going through something so detrimental, nobody would reach
out to me and give me updates. I have emails
on top of emails, and I do them in my
presentations showing where I I reached out to the detective.
It took her three weeks to respond to me when
I said I was in fear for my life because
I was receiving phone calls from him and his counterparts
(28:11):
threatening my life. And it took them three weeks. And
that was after I had reached out both times, and
so like it's just a constant feeling like I'm workless
and I know better. But because I really experienced this
next level of trying to see justice when being assaulted,
it was almost like I got raped over and over again.
(28:33):
So I got failed and raped by local law enforcement
who didn't sufficiently do their job. Yes, we were able
to secure a conviction, but that almost was thrown out
because of things they did not do. And it also
allowed for my case to be pushed back an extra
seven to eight months because they did not do their job.
But it was just like one thing after another after
(28:55):
another of feeling like I'm in this alone and I
should have never come out.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Yeah, you know, my next question was going to be
I can only imagine how this affected your sense of
security and trust and just overall and everything.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Yeah, the first five months was pretty heinous because I
had just launched. So I have a company and I
partner with Amazon as a delivery service partner, so we
have Blue Vans, the Amazon Prime Vans. We deliver all
through Central Texas, and so I had just launched that
six months prior to my incident, and COVID was hot.
(29:31):
So the whole world that just got shut right after COVID.
So I'm also a single parent dealing with the daughter
that she is not want to be home, So I'm
dealing with her having suicidal thoughts because of isolation from
no socialization. I just started my doctoral degree at Liberty University,
which I since have left because I could not.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Taken it's too much.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
It was too much. But the first five months I
started wearing a fake wedding ring. I would not go
out in public by myself. I had to have somebody
with me. I tinted all the windows on my house.
I put in extra alarm systems, like the amount even
in my company, I wasn't even present. Like I stopped
going up there because I primarily have a staff of
(30:13):
over seventy percent men in my industry of transportation and logistics.
Being in a warehouse with a bunch of men in
any public spaces with a large crowd, I would trigger it.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
It's a lot, oh God, And I never.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Thought i'd be at that space here. I am forty
years old. Like I even told God, what we're doing?
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yeah, like come on now, come on God, like I thought, I.
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Put in my dues I some time back.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Give me give me something like give me a break,
like cause it's it's a lot big, you know, But
I'm glad you're still.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Here because a lot of people wouldn't have been here.
Speaker 3 (30:47):
Yeah, last year was up because I almost didn't go
testify because it got pushed back again and I told
my husband at the time, I just said, yeah, no,
I'm I don't think I'm gonna do. He was like, no,
you've come too far. He cannot be allowed to because
just think of other women that he's potentially have done
this and come to find out, there were eight other
(31:07):
women that were in his queue. So hopefully I put
a stop to that. So that's one thing I'm glad
that I thought about. So he's a serial rapist, Well,
what he's a serial he's a serial criminal. So what
I found out, and that's what I was getting to
earlier five days, like right after I pressed charges, and
I did a little research because you can google his name,
(31:29):
going to find out two years prior to him having
time to kidnap and rape me, he was convicted by
the federal government Homeland Security for being a part of
a seven person Nigerian money laundering scheme out of Houston
where they laundered and then conspiracy and fraud of over
(31:51):
three and a half million dollars. He was given eight
and a half years and the nine hundred thousand dollars
restitution to the federal government. He was out in two years,
so you know that automatically means he became an informant
for the federal government. So I was dealing with Now,
mind you, that wasn't.
Speaker 5 (32:08):
Table talk our first day, so I wasn't aware that
he was a convicted federal criminal out because he became
a snitch basically and under his Under the the actual
write up of the conviction, it says that they.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
Use Romeo email, mail and telephone to you know, commit
the fraud. So when you were talking about do you
think you were targeted? I do feel like his whole
scheme of the is his online dating, was to find professional,
successful women and to pursue them. That's my thought. Again
(32:50):
I can't attest, but it just makes too much sense. Yeah. Yeah,
still had eight other women they found out when they
did the forensic dive into his phones plural because he
had multiple more than two. When they found that they
found there were multiple women in Q.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
You know, this is actually I really do believe you
that he probably like did his research and he targeted
professional women because there's been a lot of documentaries that's
been coming out about how there has been like these
rings of people scamming people and they're from different countries
and they do their research and then they would act
like they're in a whole relationship. And these people would
just fall for it.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
Yeah, it's a full time it's a john for them
job like it's a full time job for them. And
not to say that I would have been weak enough
to give up finances and do this. I have made
some decisions in the past and business and I'm like, man,
I wish I would have had a business mentor back then.
But right like, when it comes to intimate relationships, I
had been healed from allowing a man to come in
(33:49):
and just tap into my bank account because I had
been in that space. But we all have. But I
think he just I mean, even culturally, they're used to
more of a patriotical society. They're used to being able
to probably demand you know, this is what I want,
you need to do what they've may not realize personal
(34:10):
space and this and that, because there are cultural nuances
and I'm not saying every Nigerian so I don't want
that to come back or well she said, nor just
the ones I've come in contact with been the best
impression for us as a culture. But then there's obviously
black men that don't make black other black men look
good that they got to take the hit because this
(34:31):
idiot did what he did, right. I don't want that
to be what people are walking away. I just know
this one. What's with a ring of Nigerians that were
up to no good in Texas?
Speaker 1 (34:43):
So what happens when someone is on the run, Like
does the judge get in trouble? Like what is the
repercussion for that? Because he shouldn't have let he shouldn't
have been let free or to do whatever he had
to do because he was our he has a proven
track record.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
I'm like Cat Williams, don't worry our wait, like, hey,
you know it's it's it's absolutely ridiculous. And when you know,
the jury came back with their decisions around ten o'clock
at night and we're sitting in there and they read,
you know, we the jury find so and so guilty. Right,
he found guilty of an aggravated second degree felony of
(35:25):
sexual assault. At that point, the prosecutor asked the judge,
who was a visiting judge in that particular court for
my trial, like him remanded into custody because he's potentially
a flight risk because obviously we know he deals with
money laundering, conspiracy, and fraud. Obviously he deals with identity theft.
(35:45):
They eate people's identity for a living, and we know
he also will now have to face federal charges. And
oh I didn't. He doesn't have legal immigration status, So
all this time I'm going through with somebody that's not
doesn't even have legal immigration status, that got more rights
than me. His lawyer then says. His lawyer says, well,
(36:10):
my client has a BABYDDE December one year, honor. Can
you take that into consideration.
Speaker 6 (36:16):
I'm looking around like I'm trying to figure out who
cares about a random baby that you may or may
not actually be having, And you just put my last
two is a life, Well don't.
Speaker 3 (36:32):
Nobody can't buy nobody the kids. But just says, well,
is he on an ankle monitor? So he's on an
immigration monitor through the fence, and they were like yes,
and he checks in with his officer. Mind you, this
is also us coming from a place of ignorance, like
people can't take off an ankle monitor be with So
(36:53):
we gonna leave that. That's part the right over there.
So the judge says, well, you know what. Okay, because
that now, mind you, because it was supposed to be
the next monday, but because of that, it was supposed
to be the monday after Thanksgiving that he did sentencing.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
How many years he was gonna think that?
Speaker 3 (37:09):
Huh?
Speaker 2 (37:09):
How many years he was gonna get Well, it was gonna.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
Be between two and twenty years. That's the for that
particular charge, is between two and twenty years, right, And
so the judge decided to do it for December fourteenth
to give him time to be with a random baby
that don't nobody know, because we want to give the
(37:33):
convent of the doubt. So when we went back to
court on the fourteenth for the sentencing for the sentencing trial,
guess who won? Present?
Speaker 2 (37:42):
Of course, did you have a feeling he wasn't gonna
show I.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
I wasn't sure because I said, well, maybe the ankle
monitor worst and if and if that's the case, they'll
be able to locate him, right that even if he
don't show up, they'll at least nowhere he's at and
pick him up. Well, guess what when we get to court,
nobody knows where he's at. Of course, not eight or
the Feds don't know where he's at, and I have
(38:08):
to get back in the stand again because in my
trial I was on the stand for four and a
half hours, wow, and I couldn't be present when he
decided to get on the stand, which I was livid
because he was able to stare me down for four
and a half hours and intimidate me. But why you
couldn't be present because this is quote unquote what they said.
(38:28):
I he got the option to decide after hearing me
that he wanted to now go up and testify, So
he got to look at me for the whole day,
go home at night and sleep think of how he
gonna lie, come back right and testify. And I was
told by the prosecution that I wasn't able to be
(38:50):
in there because if they had to call me back
to the stand to refute anything they said that he said,
they didn't want for the defense to be able to
say that my testimony was tainted. But my whole thing
is he sat through my.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
Foreign If that's the case they needed, one of y'all
should have been in there.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
That's my point. And that's why this entire process when
it comes to survivors, why we decide not to come forward,
why we might take twenty and thirty years to come
tell us there's a very viable reason why we don't,
because it is not conducive for us to feel like
we're in a safe place it. And then, even since
(39:29):
this has happened, do you think that the prosecution has
once or local law enforcement has reached out to me
to check to say, Okay, we know you got a conviction.
He's on the run. Are you safe? Do you have
a safety plan in place? Have you heard from him
this is what we're doing to capture him. I haven't
heard anything, not even from the advocate, not even the
(39:49):
advocates saying how are you healing? Have you sought some
additional resources through this next phase of grieving what you
just got through handling? Because while I was on the
stand for four and a half hours, the only person
from my family that showed up for me was my son.
My son, who is the product of me being trafficked
(40:11):
and raped, was seeing in the audience directly across from me,
and I have to watch him have tears streaming down
his eye hearing what has happened to his mother, and
now he is internalizing that he should have been there
to save me. I have to not only have the
burden of ten men who are on my jury, ten
(40:34):
men and two women that had to now oversee my
case and whether or not I was believable, my son
in front of me, who is the product of a rape,
and then also my rape is to this left, and
then a judge to my left that I know doesn't
have my best interest in her just the decisions that
(40:56):
have been made. So it was just a very one
of the most humiliating experience of my life. But it
was like an out of body experience when I go
back and really talk through And that's why I'm so
adamant on being vocal, because there's not enough women of
color that are in a healthy space to articulate some
of these issues. I am one that I wanted to
(41:19):
make sure that I'm out there talking about it. And
also that even in the midst of you being healthy
and thriving, it's okay to admit that I have days
that I still don't want to get out my ways,
that this anything can trigger it. But that doesn't mean
that I just stay in it. But I've had to
learn to accept it and not lie to people so
that they're comfortable and that they don't want to be
(41:42):
uncomfortable with my truth when they say, well, how you doing?
Do you really want to know?
Speaker 2 (41:47):
How do you want to know? For real?
Speaker 3 (41:50):
Because you ain't got nothing for me if I lay
it out right right right, because it might break for you.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Baby.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
I need more than prayer, honey, I need more right out.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
This concludes part one of this week's episode. Please make
sure to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts,
listen Hold Me Down, Don't Hold me Up? Okay, and
follow me at the PG podcast on Instagram so that we.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
Can keep key about this week's episode. Part two.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
We'll be dropping next week, so until next time, everyone later.
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
(42:39):
favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PG podcast
This episode covers sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. Hey,
Professional Homegirls, it's your favorite phg here at Ebene and
this week we are diving deep into the chilling world
(00:23):
of online dating. Join us as my guest. Shed's light
on the darker side of Mardern romance and the digital age,
unraveling the twists and turns of her own terrifying experience.
Get ready because my dating app, Nightmare Park one starts now.
So to my guests, thank you so much for being
on the Professional Homegirl podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
How are you? How are you doing?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I'm good. I'm handling and hanging in here in Texas,
dealing with three and four seasons in one day. But
you don't send down here. Listen.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
New York the other day was fifty degrees. It was
beautiful outside, like God was outside playing with us. So
you know, it was rain and it was cold. I'm like,
we I don't know what we're getting.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Yeah, I don't know what. And I think that's what
people get sick. They don't know how to dress. Do
I do thermal Because it's started off at thirty degrees here,
by the time one two o'clock, it's eighty degrees and
we right back down to fifty. We don't know what to.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Do, right, and I got a silk press. I'm like,
I might have to put another bus down there.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
You see it? Yeah, no, we can't do no press
down here because I will sweat it out or Ilmilla
freeze it out. So like it's today, come on now, yeah, yeah,
come on, come on, braid at the roof.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yes, yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
I feel like this is gonna be a really good conversation.
We met key keying on and off throughout the day
and it's just been really, really fun talking to my guest.
So I'm really excited to have you on.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Yes, me too.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Now, how do you think Dayton has evolved over the
past years, especially with the rise of technology and dating apps?
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Why? Right?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
And so oh we're gonna get into it, because dating
has changed, well.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
It has, I mean, even especially given that I've had
a very intimate connection to the online dating it has.
It's it's I feel like technology has made it to
where we are more apt to being okay with meeting
people online because things like social media with Facebook and Instagram,
we live each other's relationships online. People I haven't seen
(02:30):
in ten years I still feel like I'm connected because
I've been able to live their life with them online. Right.
And then you know, some people would say, well, I
don't like online dating because I don't know if it's
going to be the person that I met. Well, you
can get that with somebody in person. I've met some
folks that fold.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Me a couple of them.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Yeah, so like people can be right in your face
in line. I unfortunately have had a terrible experience with it,
and so I'll never deal with it. I actually met
someone that I didn't want to have an intimate relationship with.
It was just going to be cordial. It was recommended
by my therapists because I traveled so much and do
so much business. I had been in a relationship in
(03:09):
like four years by choice. She was like, why don't
you get out there and just go online? Because you
travel so much with work. I don't necessarily get out
when I go travel to speak and things of that nature.
And I'm in Austin with it's not a large black
population in Austin, so I can literally go days and
not see a black man. So she was like, go on,
(03:32):
and so I went online and met someone and three
days later he ended up kidnapping, torture me.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
Yeah. So when I say online dating has changed, like
you still have to be very very careful, and for
some people it's worked. I know some people that have
some very great relationships they're married today they met online.
And then you have the extremes like me, where it's
like yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Right, Well, I think you make a really good point because,
like yourself, you know, my business is growing, so I'm
just like I'm hustling. And I also have been celibate
for quite a couple of years, so now I'm like, okay,
I'm ready to get back out there.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
For like me and God is on the same page.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
But it's hard to like meet people when you're always
like working, so you think the next best thing is
online dating, And like your therapists, my therapists even recommend
the same thing to me or just girlfriends or people
I know, like you just try because you never know
who you can.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Meet, right right, Yeah, And I think you know what
I've learned from my situation is how to be more
diligent and alert about people that I allow, even just
in my sphere, even meeting out and public and things
of that nature, and to not let your guard down,
even if you're not like intimately attracted to them, still
(04:47):
having some level of you know, awareness that this could
turn south or it could be okay, but just still
having a protective mindset.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
For the best pair for the words.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah, but do you think it's for individuals to have
a genuine connection if they do meet online?
Speaker 3 (05:04):
I do. I feel, especially with women, women tend to
get emotionally connected before men. We always hear about that.
You know, women will emotionally cheat before actually physically cheating.
We tend to be able to build relationships over the phone,
Like you can have a phone relationship with a woman
that she fall in love. You can have a text
relationship and you know, we're being fed what we need.
(05:26):
We feel like they're seeing us, hearing us. We have
a conversation. You haven't even touched the person or seen
them yet, and you've fallen in love with more of
the emotional intellectual compatibility that you all have. So I
do feel you can genuinely develop feelings for someone and
then of course the physical is just that added attraction
(05:46):
that might be. But if you've already built the emotional
and mental they don't even have to look good, have
to be this Coca Cola body shape, and because I
love the minds and how it makes me feel and
how he engages me intellectually, all that other stuff.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Is you know, right, and don't let him have a dollar.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Right, Oh, and that then we're really working with something.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Looks don't matter no more.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Well, how much of an influence do you think social
media plays on when it comes to Martin data and dynamics.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
I feel there's some false narrative when you deal with
social media because social media, and I tell people all
the time, especially when I'm doing sessions, I need you
not to compare yourself to anything. On social media. A
lot of individuals will post videos in that same night
they done broke up. They beat each other side the head.
They don't even like each other right, or because they
(06:47):
want attention, or they don't actually have confidence because most
a lot of narcissistic people are on social media. The
people that you see every single day, they got to
picture themselves every single day. They got to picture it
their couple because they got to show the world they
in love instead of actually living the life. So I
hate that. Then people go online and say well, I
see so and so they always doing something, they always
(07:10):
look happy, they always but not understanding that within every
relationship there's work that's there, there's compromise, there's you know,
sometimes you butt heads, but you make a conscious decision.
I'm working through with this person, not for the looks,
but because I actually genuinely like this person and want
to partner and do life with them. So that's the
only negative I feel is that social media gives a
(07:32):
snapshot in time that's normally not always accurate, and how
you compare yourself to that and like cheat yourself out
of a good person because you're comparing it to somebody
you see on social media or other circumstances.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
That's true. We're living in a scary world, man.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Yeah, But do you feel like the media and dating
apps they do a good job when it comes to
awareness about the dangers of the day and apps, because
I feel like you don't really hear a lot about that.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
No, they might have a little disclaimer if that, but
most of the ones that I went to, it doesn't
really talk about the you know, catfishing and how prominent
that can be. And for those that don't know, catfishing
is when someone puts a picture that doesn't look like
them and or might not even be their gender, Like
we've had that where it's actually a man posing as
a woman, get you in and then they reveal that,
(08:24):
Oh no, I'm completely Someone said separate. That's called catfishing.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
But you know how don't have fishing is in this
day and age and you don't need to be dating that.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
You're right, but just for that younger generation, just think
a right. But no, I don't feel they do enough.
They don't talk enough about the dangers or again, if
you do decide to meet up with someone in person,
just kind of listing jews and don'ts and what to be.
They don't really go into that. They feel like you're
an adult. You got to handle it, do it, deal
with it on your own. They don't have the liability
(08:55):
for it.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
So when you're a therapist told well, I guess she
introduced you to online dating, Like, what were your thoughts
because you never did it before? Or have any of
your friends told you about it as well?
Speaker 3 (09:04):
Yeah? And I mean I probably when I was younger,
I might have had a page up. I think back
in the day black planet.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
I would say black plant Planet.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Yeah, that was back in the day. I think I
might have had a profile for two three days and
I was done. Like, I was never an active online
dating app person period, But when she brought it back
up to me a couple of years ago, I hadn't been.
I didn't even know all the sites that were out there.
Of course dot Com, some of the ones that have commercials.
(09:35):
You hear the tender jokes, which I knew I wasn't
gonna want to do that because it's known for hooking up. Okay, well,
then I'm out the door on that night. Yeah. Facebook
had just dropped their dating app that was the one
and I and at first I was weary. But what
I noticed was that you could do their dating app
and none of your friends would see that you're on it,
(09:56):
so it wouldn't be anything.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
That's a fact. That's a fact.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
Yeah. And then the people that they originally were sending
me were like engineers, I'm veterans, pair of legals. So
I was like, oh, okay, they're sending me professionals to
kind of match the fact that I'm a professional. I
don't need a whole bunch of self employed. You know,
most guys I ain't got no job.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Health employe's a lot of times there, I'm just saying
a lot.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Of timmies the red flags. But they were sending me
professional people, and so I was like, oh, well, maybe
I can just entertain conversation even if it's just online,
not necessarily that I have to take it to in person.
But I wasn't like really weary at first. I was like, oh,
this actually looks like it's pretty decent.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So what caught your attention on his profile?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
It made you want to go out and date with him?
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Well, there was nothing. I don't feel, Yeah, because I
was kind of dabbling with a few folks that you know,
they reach out. I think he actually reached out to
me to say, hey, I like your profile. And I
had like three or four people on there that you
just start little conversations and see if it's gonna go anywhere.
(11:10):
And it was only about three or four days in.
Because he was local, he was like, hey, you know
there's a place which wasn't far from me, would you
like to just grab dinner? You know, it wasn't It
was every nonchalant.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, right, So did he mention anything about his personal
life or work or anything that seem out of the
or why are you smelling?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
No, I just you know, because come to find out,
the narrative that he gave almost none of it was true.
So when we did actually meet for dinner again, once
I saw him in person, I knew then I didn't
want to like date him, Like I knew that was established.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
He wasn't my type like that, he was like my height,
and you know, I just I was good like it
wasn't somebody and I just wasn't physical.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
There was no chemistry to I see somebody.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Like, oh, if you know when you got chemistry with
somebody r.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
You typically know when you're right within there if there's something.
But he was great conversation. So when we were sitting there,
he was saying it was from Nigeria that he used
to be a lawyer. In Nigeria, he moved to the
and became a solicitor, which all of that makes sense
because the transition and when he got to the US,
which he has an eight year old son, he said
(12:27):
here and he came back to the US to be
with him, and he was a paralegal because once you
come to the US, you have to get that all
over again. It doesn't travel on transfer, right, yeah, saying
his brother is the king of this tribe in Nigeria
and pulling out pictures of his mom in you know,
the traditional headdress.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
And oh he goes going all the way out.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Honey, Like you know, he was talking while he's this
great person. He hadn't been in a relationship in five years,
and he just was looking to meet people to be
friends with, you know, And he found me based on
if you google me, you can see that I have
a long record of doing positive things, right, So it's
not like I'm not known in that regard, so he
(13:10):
could see I was about my business. He did this.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Do you think he kind of like, what's the word
like scouted you out.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yeah, we're gonna get to that. But ye, that initial
sit down that we have for dinner, that's what it was.
Just he was actually pleasant. I actually remember calling my
aunt afterwards and saying, Wow, he was actually somebody pleasant
to just talk with. Well, yeah, watching the game or whatever,
And I said, he cooks ethnic foods, and that's actually
(13:39):
what got me excited, what led me into my issue
that ended up happening. But I was born and raised
in Springfield, Massachusetts and so I've been around Haitian, Dominic,
Puerto Rican, Jamaican.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
All the West Indian foods.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Oh my gosh, just that culture of great food and
moving to Texas is really.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
In the South.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
You know, it's it's hit a miss down here. And
so when he said he was bringing up all the
foods and he's talking about the culture that I'm used
and he was like, yeah, I cook this, that and that,
I was like what. I was like, I gotta get
a plate. So he had hooked me with Okay, well
we'll stay in contact because I want to play. But
you know, it was I didn't have any guard to
(14:23):
him because he just seemed so cool, so relaxed, and
because I knew it wasn't something I wanted to take
more than just having good conversation with somebody maybe watching
the game every now and.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Again, all right, just a friend.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Yeah. I didn't have no intenna at all about it.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
So did y'all go out again or.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
You know? So we met on that Thursday for dinner
for an hour, and then the next I wasn't potentially
supposed to see him until Sunday. So Sunday there was
a game coming on because we were in it was
an NFL playoff time, and so I was like, well,
(15:03):
you know, if you want, we can shoot some pool
and watch the game on Sunday. And again, my goal
was to have everything be public. You know, we can
do something where it don't seem intimate, right right. But
that next day, while I was preparing taxes because I
also do taxes while I'm gearing up for the season,
he calls me and said, hey, I just cooked this dish.
(15:24):
That dish on your way to meet with your pastor
to drop off these items for the homeless. Why don't
you stop buying? Just scoop it. Scoop up a play.
And I was like, like, the because everything the night
before went decent. You know, I'm not there's nothing, and
(15:45):
I even had a one piece like I'm zipped up
with a jacket baseball right, and like I'm not even
looking like right right, right, right right, like I want
to do anything right right for all behind went And
so I went over there to get a plate, and
(16:05):
you know, I wasn't able to leave for the next
two hours. And it was one of the most one
of the most detrimental experiences of my life. And I've
been trafficked and so what's crazy is I've been trafficked
by my mom when I was an adolescent for three years,
(16:28):
and my oldest son is a product of that trafficking.
I had him at fifteen.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
By one of her drug dealers, right, yes, by one of.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Her drug dealers at that time. And so I've been
exposed to habitual sexual violence between child sexual assault by
my father to my mother pimping me out to then
that led to being into several domestic violent relationships, not
knowing my value or worth coming out of that one
when I was thirty six, where I was in an
(16:56):
oppressive relationship. That's why I went the stretch that I
went without being I realized at that point it's not them,
it's me. For me that I need to be able
to have the courage and strength to walk away from
red flags when I see them and not try to
be captain save a whole every time I get back inside,
(17:17):
or like I tell people I had to build a
bear spirit, I can build a man up and getting
ready to tell and he gone for the next one. Financially,
I'm depleted intellectually, you know. I feel like all I've
been is a transaction which I tell people all the time.
My mother helped to redefine my identity as currency, because
that's all I saw myself as was how much could
(17:39):
I get to take care of my family, to pay
the bills or do whatever it's necessary so that we're
not homeless. And here I am finally getting out to day.
I don't have no blinders on. I don't none of that.
I should have had all of it on. And he
just decided that no, what wasn't an answer. He decided
(18:01):
that me leaving wasn't an option until I was able
to find the right moment that I was able to
physically defend myself to get away and get out. But that,
honestly wasn't the worst of it for me. It was
after I got out of this he then harassed me
horrifically and then got other people involved as well.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
I find out who's the other people, some.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Random people in his Nigerian network, Chad, This ain't gonna
make the Nigerian men look good, man, It's not, And
I don't care because I'm not here to pease their
reputation because I know it.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
But I always hear this narrative of them or them
just being scammers and liars and stuff.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
So then this ain't gonna help. What I'm gonna say
next that after this incident, and he still kept harassing me,
and my therapist really encouraging me to report it because
I wasn't going to because I just know the systems
and how they work. But after I reported it, I
started doing my own research on who he was.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
But wait, before we get there, I want to ask
you a question.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
When you got to his house and you're eating a food,
you're comfortable, you're chilling, did you notice anything like did
you notice that something was about the something was about
to turn left? Or it was still like he had
a pleasant demeanor and things of that nature.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Right, So it started off very pleasant, making a plate,
getting the plate, putting the food over. You know, I'm
sitting down, getting ready to He was like, well, here's
a little bike before you go, and then he packaged
the rest and put some cookies in. And then it
shifted when he came around from the other side of
the island to give me a hug that I didn't
want or you know, press upon me. Pretty relentless. He
(19:54):
was very relentless, and so my personal space was a
no go. And then it just went from one extreme
to the next to try to get it to where
I could not be in a predicament to fight back
for myself or have the energy or the emotional bandwidth
to do it. So it started off like that and
(20:14):
then it just snapped.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
But how did you maintain composure, especially during the times
of uncertainty?
Speaker 3 (20:21):
I tell people, Unfortunately, being a survivor, I have had
to learn survival skills, and especially being trafficked at thirteen,
where I am literally the main breadwinner for a family
of four. At this time, I was taking care of
my two younger brothers my mom had and her and me,
and so I have had to be very resilient. I
(20:44):
know how to compartmentalize. I can put on a gang face.
I know how I with my face, if that makes
sense on the mass. And it's unfortunate because this incident
has completely broken me down to where I'm no longer
able to do that. That that once was very prevalent
is no longer she is. I'm going through what's called
(21:06):
an identity crisis now trying to figure out who this
news is because I really don't know her just yet.
But old could do what's necessary to get out alive,
and my whole concept was I don't want to make
him overly upset because I don't know what other physical
I don't know he has a gun, Texas is to survive.
(21:28):
I mean literally, I'm trying to like quail him down
a bit so that I can have latitude to outmaneuver him,
which I ended up having to do so I could
get out eventually. But after that a lot of the
horrible things had already transpired. But sometimes getting overly violent,
depending on your situation, is not good. Sometimes you try
(21:50):
to negotiate your way out. So I was trying to
negotiate my way out whatever I could do to get out.
So it's not so much that I just knew how
to hold my composure. It was just instinctual for me
to survive.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Yeah, do you blame yourself for this?
Speaker 3 (22:09):
I did. I don't know. Yeah, I'm getting to a
point because it's not your fault. It's not. But I still,
you know, my trial just ended. Like the last portion
of my trial was December fourteenth, so I'm fresh out
of this. The trial November thirteenth through the sixteenth, where
the jury then convicted him, But then the judge said
(22:30):
that oh, well, he doesn't need to be remanded, and
he never showed back up for sentencing, So my perpetrator
is out there, and even a sentence to ten years.
Thanks to the judge, he's free. And so I still
have to have alertness around me about how I moved,
and so there's still a level of I can't have
closure to this because it's still very open. And yes,
(22:53):
I feel like, you know, what did I miss? Like
those are the things that survivors always look back missed.
Something should not have not been as trusting or open
or you know, you can't say that because I know
some people that I dealt with that I knew then
for months.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
And then they never know what you're getting, yes, right,
you know, we.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Know married couples that were in relationships and married for
years and their about snaps and kills them or something
that you would have never thought they would have done. So,
you know, you try to walk yourself back off a
ledge of putting it all on you because he was
responsible for his own actions, and nothing that I did
that night allowed you to understand or think that I
(23:35):
wanted what happened to me. So that's when I start
to remove myself from the guilt component because I did
not do anything to allow you to feel you could
take advantage of me the way that you did.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Right, So, I know you mentioned earlier that you wasn't
going to press charges, So what made you want to
press charges afterwards?
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Oh? I wasn't I remember I told at the time
she was one of my best friend friends, and she said,
so are you going to the police? I said no.
I said, you know, I was the state wide facilitator
for the Human Trafficking Survivor Leadership Council. I know how
this does not work for us, and I'm Black, so
(24:15):
let me. I'm going to be a woman with it,
because I cannot dismiss the fact that we are seen
with an innate bias in systems. And I said, I
just don't want to go. I just don't want to
go through it. But I ended up getting sickly behind it.
And I was at the neurologist that Monday. So this
(24:37):
happened on a Friday evening. By Monday, I was at
my neurologist and he was like my real real outcry too,
and I ended up getting sick and then he said,
you know, you need to go to your therapist. You know,
you need to see her and talk through this, because
you this is not good. I was diagnosed with PTSD,
(24:58):
I was diagnosed with all this other stuff. So I
went to her that Tuesday and I could not look
her in the face. This is somebody that I highly respect.
Her name is Cheryl Alexander. She helped pull me out of,
you know, a dark place in twenty sixteen. When I
got out of that last kind of toxic relationship. She said,
you have a mantra, get loud, get out. You speak
(25:20):
to survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human traffic
because you've survived all of them, and you tell them
to whole perpetrators accountable because unless we continue to do that,
they'll feel and able to continue to do what we do.
And so I left her office in tears, drove myself
(25:41):
to the police station and went in there by myself
with a wall of nothing but white people on every side.
And I talk about that all the time, even going
into the law enforcements a lot I did.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
I was like, I'm surprised you ain't have a panic attack.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
No, I had more of They're not gonna hear me,
They're not gonna believe me, I'm wasting my time. But
it was actually even worse than what I thought. My
experience was even worse than that. It just I was
failed by the health care system, by law enforcement, by
the judicial system, by the prosecution and advocates, like by
(26:19):
the health care system, because the healthcare system, which is
a place that we're supposed to go if we get
the same exams, which is the sexual assault exams that
happen afterwards, or like again, when you're going to the
doctors and you're letting them know you have these things
going on, what resources do they lend to you? So
(26:41):
I look at my personal position was phenomenal, you know,
even gave me a hug, like he was very personal
because I've had a great relationship with him. But in
this space, when you let law enforcement know they have
a network that's supposed to reach out to survivors, none
of them reached out to me. It was two months
before I had an advocate from the prosecution, just and
(27:04):
that was after I asked like, hey, like, like you
don't have local resource, what are we doing victim services?
And they sent me a sheet that literally had three
names on it, two of which don't even take services
from the victim services, from our Attorney General's office.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
So what's the point?
Speaker 3 (27:23):
None of them that looked like me. So now you're
not even making sure that someone that's of color can
feel in a safe place or comfortable with having representation.
But it's just a follow up. I mean, it's just
you know, you don't feel seen. I didn't see a
black person until the bailiff of my trial two years later.
So that also lets you know, like the gap of
(27:47):
just representation going through something so detrimental, nobody would reach
out to me and give me updates. I have emails
on top of emails, and I do them in my
presentations showing where I I reached out to the detective.
It took her three weeks to respond to me when
I said I was in fear for my life because
I was receiving phone calls from him and his counterparts
(28:11):
threatening my life. And it took them three weeks. And
that was after I had reached out both times, and
so like it's just a constant feeling like I'm workless
and I know better. But because I really experienced this
next level of trying to see justice when being assaulted,
it was almost like I got raped over and over again.
(28:33):
So I got failed and raped by local law enforcement
who didn't sufficiently do their job. Yes, we were able
to secure a conviction, but that almost was thrown out
because of things they did not do. And it also
allowed for my case to be pushed back an extra
seven to eight months because they did not do their job.
But it was just like one thing after another after
(28:55):
another of feeling like I'm in this alone and I
should have never come out.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Yeah, you know, my next question was going to be
I can only imagine how this affected your sense of
security and trust and just overall and everything.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Yeah, the first five months was pretty heinous because I
had just launched. So I have a company and I
partner with Amazon as a delivery service partner, so we
have Blue Vans, the Amazon Prime Vans. We deliver all
through Central Texas, and so I had just launched that
six months prior to my incident, and COVID was hot.
(29:31):
So the whole world that just got shut right after COVID.
So I'm also a single parent dealing with the daughter
that she is not want to be home, So I'm
dealing with her having suicidal thoughts because of isolation from
no socialization. I just started my doctoral degree at Liberty University,
which I since have left because I could not.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Taken it's too much.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
It was too much. But the first five months I
started wearing a fake wedding ring. I would not go
out in public by myself. I had to have somebody
with me. I tinted all the windows on my house.
I put in extra alarm systems, like the amount even
in my company, I wasn't even present. Like I stopped
going up there because I primarily have a staff of
(30:13):
over seventy percent men in my industry of transportation and logistics.
Being in a warehouse with a bunch of men in
any public spaces with a large crowd, I would trigger it.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
It's a lot, oh God, And I never.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Thought i'd be at that space here. I am forty
years old. Like I even told God, what we're doing?
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yeah, like come on now, come on God, like I thought, I.
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Put in my dues I some time back.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Give me give me something like give me a break,
like cause it's it's a lot big, you know, But
I'm glad you're still.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Here because a lot of people wouldn't have been here.
Speaker 3 (30:47):
Yeah, last year was up because I almost didn't go
testify because it got pushed back again and I told
my husband at the time, I just said, yeah, no,
I'm I don't think I'm gonna do. He was like, no,
you've come too far. He cannot be allowed to because
just think of other women that he's potentially have done
this and come to find out, there were eight other
(31:07):
women that were in his queue. So hopefully I put
a stop to that. So that's one thing I'm glad
that I thought about. So he's a serial rapist, Well,
what he's a serial he's a serial criminal. So what
I found out, and that's what I was getting to
earlier five days, like right after I pressed charges, and
I did a little research because you can google his name,
(31:29):
going to find out two years prior to him having
time to kidnap and rape me, he was convicted by
the federal government Homeland Security for being a part of
a seven person Nigerian money laundering scheme out of Houston
where they laundered and then conspiracy and fraud of over
(31:51):
three and a half million dollars. He was given eight
and a half years and the nine hundred thousand dollars
restitution to the federal government. He was out in two years,
so you know that automatically means he became an informant
for the federal government. So I was dealing with Now,
mind you, that wasn't.
Speaker 5 (32:08):
Table talk our first day, so I wasn't aware that
he was a convicted federal criminal out because he became
a snitch basically and under his Under the the actual
write up of the conviction, it says that they.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
Use Romeo email, mail and telephone to you know, commit
the fraud. So when you were talking about do you
think you were targeted? I do feel like his whole
scheme of the is his online dating, was to find professional,
successful women and to pursue them. That's my thought. Again
(32:50):
I can't attest, but it just makes too much sense. Yeah. Yeah,
still had eight other women they found out when they
did the forensic dive into his phones plural because he
had multiple more than two. When they found that they
found there were multiple women in Q.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
You know, this is actually I really do believe you
that he probably like did his research and he targeted
professional women because there's been a lot of documentaries that's
been coming out about how there has been like these
rings of people scamming people and they're from different countries
and they do their research and then they would act
like they're in a whole relationship. And these people would
just fall for it.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
Yeah, it's a full time it's a john for them
job like it's a full time job for them. And
not to say that I would have been weak enough
to give up finances and do this. I have made
some decisions in the past and business and I'm like, man,
I wish I would have had a business mentor back then.
But right like, when it comes to intimate relationships, I
had been healed from allowing a man to come in
(33:49):
and just tap into my bank account because I had
been in that space. But we all have. But I
think he just I mean, even culturally, they're used to
more of a patriotical society. They're used to being able
to probably demand you know, this is what I want,
you need to do what they've may not realize personal
(34:10):
space and this and that, because there are cultural nuances
and I'm not saying every Nigerian so I don't want
that to come back or well she said, nor just
the ones I've come in contact with been the best
impression for us as a culture. But then there's obviously
black men that don't make black other black men look
good that they got to take the hit because this
(34:31):
idiot did what he did, right. I don't want that
to be what people are walking away. I just know
this one. What's with a ring of Nigerians that were
up to no good in Texas?
Speaker 1 (34:43):
So what happens when someone is on the run, Like
does the judge get in trouble? Like what is the
repercussion for that? Because he shouldn't have let he shouldn't
have been let free or to do whatever he had
to do because he was our he has a proven
track record.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
I'm like Cat Williams, don't worry our wait, like, hey,
you know it's it's it's absolutely ridiculous. And when you know,
the jury came back with their decisions around ten o'clock
at night and we're sitting in there and they read,
you know, we the jury find so and so guilty. Right,
he found guilty of an aggravated second degree felony of
(35:25):
sexual assault. At that point, the prosecutor asked the judge,
who was a visiting judge in that particular court for
my trial, like him remanded into custody because he's potentially
a flight risk because obviously we know he deals with
money laundering, conspiracy, and fraud. Obviously he deals with identity theft.
(35:45):
They eate people's identity for a living, and we know
he also will now have to face federal charges. And
oh I didn't. He doesn't have legal immigration status, So
all this time I'm going through with somebody that's not
doesn't even have legal immigration status, that got more rights
than me. His lawyer then says. His lawyer says, well,
(36:10):
my client has a BABYDDE December one year, honor. Can
you take that into consideration.
Speaker 6 (36:16):
I'm looking around like I'm trying to figure out who
cares about a random baby that you may or may
not actually be having, And you just put my last
two is a life, Well don't.
Speaker 3 (36:32):
Nobody can't buy nobody the kids. But just says, well,
is he on an ankle monitor? So he's on an
immigration monitor through the fence, and they were like yes,
and he checks in with his officer. Mind you, this
is also us coming from a place of ignorance, like
people can't take off an ankle monitor be with So
(36:53):
we gonna leave that. That's part the right over there.
So the judge says, well, you know what. Okay, because
that now, mind you, because it was supposed to be
the next monday, but because of that, it was supposed
to be the monday after Thanksgiving that he did sentencing.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
How many years he was gonna think that?
Speaker 3 (37:09):
Huh?
Speaker 2 (37:09):
How many years he was gonna get Well, it was gonna.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
Be between two and twenty years. That's the for that
particular charge, is between two and twenty years, right, And
so the judge decided to do it for December fourteenth
to give him time to be with a random baby
that don't nobody know, because we want to give the
(37:33):
convent of the doubt. So when we went back to
court on the fourteenth for the sentencing for the sentencing trial,
guess who won? Present?
Speaker 2 (37:42):
Of course, did you have a feeling he wasn't gonna
show I.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
I wasn't sure because I said, well, maybe the ankle
monitor worst and if and if that's the case, they'll
be able to locate him, right that even if he
don't show up, they'll at least nowhere he's at and
pick him up. Well, guess what when we get to court,
nobody knows where he's at. Of course, not eight or
the Feds don't know where he's at, and I have
(38:08):
to get back in the stand again because in my
trial I was on the stand for four and a
half hours, wow, and I couldn't be present when he
decided to get on the stand, which I was livid
because he was able to stare me down for four
and a half hours and intimidate me. But why you
couldn't be present because this is quote unquote what they said.
(38:28):
I he got the option to decide after hearing me
that he wanted to now go up and testify, So
he got to look at me for the whole day,
go home at night and sleep think of how he
gonna lie, come back right and testify. And I was
told by the prosecution that I wasn't able to be
(38:50):
in there because if they had to call me back
to the stand to refute anything they said that he said,
they didn't want for the defense to be able to
say that my testimony was tainted. But my whole thing
is he sat through my.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
Foreign If that's the case they needed, one of y'all
should have been in there.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
That's my point. And that's why this entire process when
it comes to survivors, why we decide not to come forward,
why we might take twenty and thirty years to come
tell us there's a very viable reason why we don't,
because it is not conducive for us to feel like
we're in a safe place it. And then, even since
(39:29):
this has happened, do you think that the prosecution has
once or local law enforcement has reached out to me
to check to say, Okay, we know you got a conviction.
He's on the run. Are you safe? Do you have
a safety plan in place? Have you heard from him
this is what we're doing to capture him. I haven't
heard anything, not even from the advocate, not even the
(39:49):
advocates saying how are you healing? Have you sought some
additional resources through this next phase of grieving what you
just got through handling? Because while I was on the
stand for four and a half hours, the only person
from my family that showed up for me was my son.
My son, who is the product of me being trafficked
(40:11):
and raped, was seeing in the audience directly across from me,
and I have to watch him have tears streaming down
his eye hearing what has happened to his mother, and
now he is internalizing that he should have been there
to save me. I have to not only have the
burden of ten men who are on my jury, ten
(40:34):
men and two women that had to now oversee my
case and whether or not I was believable, my son
in front of me, who is the product of a rape,
and then also my rape is to this left, and
then a judge to my left that I know doesn't
have my best interest in her just the decisions that
(40:56):
have been made. So it was just a very one
of the most humiliating experience of my life. But it
was like an out of body experience when I go
back and really talk through And that's why I'm so
adamant on being vocal, because there's not enough women of
color that are in a healthy space to articulate some
of these issues. I am one that I wanted to
(41:19):
make sure that I'm out there talking about it. And
also that even in the midst of you being healthy
and thriving, it's okay to admit that I have days
that I still don't want to get out my ways,
that this anything can trigger it. But that doesn't mean
that I just stay in it. But I've had to
learn to accept it and not lie to people so
that they're comfortable and that they don't want to be
(41:42):
uncomfortable with my truth when they say, well, how you doing?
Do you really want to know?
Speaker 2 (41:47):
How do you want to know? For real?
Speaker 3 (41:50):
Because you ain't got nothing for me if I lay
it out right right right, because it might break for you.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Baby.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
I need more than prayer, honey, I need more right out.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
This concludes part one of this week's episode. Please make
sure to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts,
listen Hold Me Down, Don't Hold me Up? Okay, and
follow me at the PG podcast on Instagram so that we.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
Can keep key about this week's episode. Part two.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
We'll be dropping next week, so until next time, everyone later.
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
(42:39):
favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PG podcast
Host
Eboné Almon
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