December 27, 2024 • 45 mins
During this week's episode of The PHG Podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing a soon to be New York Time's Best Seller. She shares her story of being a fat, black, Muslim woman and her journey is beyond inspirational.
--Originally published on Feb 4, 2020--
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello, Professional Homegirls, Ishagirl, ebinet here, and I hope all
is cute now. In this week's rewind episode, I had
a pleasure of speaking with my guests, who shared her
powerful journey as a plus sized Muslim woman navigating the
world while challenging stereotypes and redefining beauty standards. In her conversation,
(00:26):
she opened up about her experiences with body positivity, the
lessons her mom taught her about men, and the power
of using her voice to inspire and empower others, especially
other Muslim women. She also reflected on painful childhood moments,
including her her father y'all, disrespected her and her religion
by trying to feed her poor child, knowing that she
(00:47):
is a whole Muslim, and how those experiences shape her
resilience and commitment to stay true to herself.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
This episode was recorded in twenty nineteen, and when I
tell you her memoir was amazing. I read it within
four and a half hours, So if you are interested
in reading her book, please make sure to email me
at Hello at the pashgpodcast dot com. All right, so
let's get ready, because I am a fat black Muslim
woman starts now, how are you.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Feeling to my guests, I'm doing pretty good.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, I'm super excited. So before we get with the
have our conversation. So I'm an avid reader. So like
last year I read like fifty books, so I read
books like crazy. Wow. So yeah, So I was in
Barnes and Noble and I saw her book. So when
I saw it the title alone, I was just like what,
Like it just caught my eye. And then for those
of you that are interested in her book, please make
(01:40):
sure to email me. I'm going to send it out
an email about her book because her book like really
inspired me in so many different ways. And I also
feel like I saw myself in her book, Like I
feel like I was reading chapters out of my life
baby who. So I was going to get some other
books and I kept walking past her book and I
was just like who is this girl? Like where does
she come from? So I picked up her book and
(02:01):
I read your book within four hours?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Oh wow, yeah, like I could. That's like a record.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Yeah, Like I'm telling you, like, your story has inspired
me so much, and I was like praying and manifesting
that I can have this interview with her. So I'm
really excited about this one, and I hope her story
really do inspire you. So let's get started. So you
are a Muslim woman, yep. And I think that with
your story was definitely educational because there was a lot
(02:27):
of things that I feel like people don't talk about.
So my first question for you is, what are some
misconceptions about Muslim women.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
There's so many you have misconceptions kind of darting from
each direction as you're reading the book. It's not like, oh,
just you know white people, like white women and white
men trying to get you, but there's like Muslim men
and other rus the women, other Muslims who are who
are not African Americans who are trying to attack. So
(02:58):
I think you definitely get all types of stuff from
all directions when you are openly Muslim or any open religion.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
But right now, you know, Muslim and Islam.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Is like under the under the radar right now, and
uh kind of on the under the chalk chopping black
for getting attacked and stereotypes and stuff like that. But
I think some of the major misconceptions of being a
Muslim ista you basically are not even a human like either.
You are seen as just just a monolith. You are
(03:30):
either a terrorist, you know, you're oppressed, or you're you're
you're really perfect and you don't have no issues at all.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
You know, It's like it's you.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
You have a couple of narratives, and then when you
put black Muslim on there, which is what I am,
then it gets more, you know, in depth, like oh,
she's she can't she's not a real Muslim because.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
She's black, or she's uh, you know, she's crazy convert. Yeah,
it's it's very it's very and then awesome, I'm fat.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
So it's just like there are more like misconceptions get
piled on you.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
One thing that liked about about this topic is because
you're very like I think once you start becoming comfortable
with who you are, like you found your boy, so
you was just letting niggas have it. But I felt
like people see that as we get on this podcast.
But I felt like people were feeling that since you
weren't the typical like submissive woman, that that was a
(04:26):
problem for you. And I thought that was just crazy
because you couldn't be who you really are.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Yeah, I think, I mean as soon as you are
kind of born with a vagina, you are automatically, you know,
seen as something right and as soon as you come
out box with with with dark Skin, it's basically supposedly
a wrap for you, right. It's so that is exactly
(04:51):
what it was. Like I was born like this, and
anytime I would say something, it would always be an issue.
You know, I was always in you. You'll see throughout
the book it's it's like, oh, you need to shut up,
like you always talking, like you always got something to say,
like you saw like your broken record.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
It's always no matter what.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I tried to say, whether it was something that I
thought about because I'm I would say I'm a pretty assertive,
confident person, but I would really really try hard to
like be quiet myself and say the right thing to
not upset people or make them uncomfortable. And even when
I did that, people still wasn't having it.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
And I was like, you know, I really like put
it forth.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
The effort to shut up and say the right things,
and you're still not happy. And so that's when I
was just like when the divorce happened, I was like,
fuck all that, it's over, Like it's over for everybody.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
And I remember the day I.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Was on because you know, I was still like an
Instagram influencer. I went on Instagram. I was like, y'all listen,
the divorce was finalized, and whoever you thought you knew,
you don't know, so you can follow me right now.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
It's about to get real real and that's it. That
is it.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
And people were like, yes, we want this, yes, because
like I was like, I'm not whatever y'all thought it
was and all this like little he he ha ha stuff.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
No, like it's real deal.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Right now, and I will never let anyone silence will
never let anyone silence me again.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Like that was the end of that.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Another thing that you bought up. Within your book, you
talked about how you were born a Muslim and you
converted at the age of six. So as you got older,
did you have a question your religion?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Oh? For sure, that's like a normal thing. And if
someone tells you they have it, there, they're fucking line.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Because most people, if not all people, there's always some
type of question on any on any journey that you're
taking in life, anything you choose or your parents choose
for you, there's always an inkling of like is this
the right way to go? Is this the right way
to live like, am I living it for somebody else?
Am I living it for myself? And again, like I
always kind of I think for me with my relationship
(06:51):
with Islam, it was like up and down.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
I never which is normal. Yeah, Like I never was
like I.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Hate Muslims and I don't want to you know, I
don't I want to denounce Islam, but there are certain
parts that I.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Was like this is necessarily for me? Like am I
doing this right?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Like everyone is sitting here calling me sluts and bitches
because I don't because I wear a turban instead of
like a traditional rap to job. So is this really
the religion that I want to be in? If this
is like the scrutiny that I want to have to
live with? And I had to again go through the
journey and figure out what her job meant to me,
figure out what modesty mat for me, figure out what
Islam meant for me. And even though there are certain
(07:29):
things of it that I problem that I, you know,
wouldn't want to dabble in or wouldn't do personally, I'm
still very much so Muslim.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And that's okay, Like that's totally fine.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Anytimes like this, it's okay, it's everything or nothing, and
that's not how life is true.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
One thing that I found interesting within your book, and
this is also an entirey of your book, was how
you talked about being fat and also a Muslim, And
I thought to myself, I'm like, wow, like, I feel
like you noticed that at such a young age. But
then when I was reading the story with your mom
and you being in a clothing store, it kind of
like throughout your whole childhood, it seemed like you were
just fat shame and it started within your household.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Yeah, do you think that.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
I mean, unfortunately a lot of I can't speak with everybody.
I can't really speak on like everybody else's like you know,
like the Asian or Latina or like Middle Eastern. But
I mean, from the stories that I've come up with,
a lot of families unfortunately fat shame and that's.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
The earliest, especially Black families.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, that's like the earliest abuse of like body shaming
is coming from family members and close friends in your household,
and many for many girls and boys too, it starts
super early. Like I've heard people dining like at six
seven eight. I'm just like, that's toxic as fuck. Bro,
And so in my household, same thing. And like I
(08:53):
always like to say, because I feel like a lot
of people think my mother like as.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
They read it, they see her as like the bad guy,
And I tell people.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
My mom did My mom did the best she could
with what she had at that time. Now she's doing
some other stuff now, sure, but at the time, you know,
there are some things that we shouldn't have saw or
we shouldn't have been open to, but we were. And
so we can't change the past, but we can't change
our future. And so I think with her, it was
(09:21):
very cyclical, like her parents did it to her, her grandma,
her great grandmother did it to my grandmother. This this
whole body shame and like just like fat shaming about
you're too skinny, you're to this, you know, your skin
tone is this, and your hair is good, and her
hair is you know, that type of shit was going on.
And so unfortunately it trickled down and to me and
(09:44):
my siblings, and so we definitely we were body shamed.
I was body shamed for my father, who wasn't even
around but still found the need to do.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Yeah, I asked all questions about that because he reminded
me so much of my father, because my father is
I hate to say this term, but he's a crackhead.
And when I was reading a story about your father,
I was just like, yo, like the shape was very sad,
like it is, but I'm going to ask you questions
about that because I really felt like I was reading
chapters on my story. And it's also one of those
things that when you're going through it and you look
(10:13):
back on it, sometimes you'd be like, damn, like and
I'm the only person that's going through this ship. So
when you see that somebody else is going through it,
it's kind of refreshing to know that you're not alone
in this and to see where you're at now, it's
just like so amazing.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
But anyhow, I mean, I think it's just crazy.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
I wish sometimes, like I wish that I could attach
something to my father for him to be so fucked up,
like him being crackhead, which he's not. He's still he's
still messed up. So I'm just like, you have you
make good money, like you're just you're you're just messed up.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
In the head, like you're just not a good human being.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
There's no he doesn't even have no issues other than
some mental stuff that would even cause him to be
so mean to I honestly, Yeah, yeah, I'm at the
point now where it's like I really I don't like
saying I hate people, but and I need to go
go to therapy for this, but I really hate him
and I don't and I don't say about anyone but
him personally.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I mean, if I feel like with him, he definitely
gave you a reason for for what he did to you,
Like when I just read it, like it's one thing
for a parent to be absent, but for what he
did to you and you were struggling like that was like, Oh,
that literally like broke my heart, Like.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah, I'm still shocked that he even did that, Like
that is something that I've not heard anybody's.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, it was. It was bad.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
I tell people what he did because I feel like
we jump in and people what he do what he
does well basically, I.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
Mean it's crazy because there's other stories that ide were
put in the book about what he's done. But I
can imagine he's like that was the top. That was
just like there's some it could have been a whole
book on what he's done.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
When I was reading that, I was like, I know
she's omitted some things, because if he was willing to
do that, I know he did.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Some other exactly that's what he does. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
But so basically what's in the book is that he
basically I was so poor, like it was.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I was to the point where I.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Was like and I was in college, I didn't have
no family support my mom me and her was you know,
not really talking like that. And if we were, she
didn't have the money anyway to support me. And I
was just like putting five dollars in my guess thank
just to get to class. That's all I could afford
is five dollars. I was eating dinner at a friend's house,
like I had a friend and family, like a family
(12:22):
of friends to go to.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Their house eat dinner every every night of the week.
And that's how I was eating.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
And so basically he in a nutshelle just stole some
of my school money that I needed to get to
get to school with. And he just was he was
just doing a lot of stuff and I just I'm
not I have not got.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Closure for that stuff.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
He's never apologized, like even even to I haven't talked
to him. And I think over twelve or thirteen years,
he's still alive, he's still well, living his best life
and has never reached out to me, never apologized for
any of the things he's done, which I definitely need
to get some therapy to kind of get, you know,
(13:04):
get through that, because I still have that, so I'm
still holding on to it.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Well, you know what, I'm going to sing you my
therapist information. She is like, oh my gosh, she has
helped me through some of the worst experiences in my
life and I had to learn how to create my
own closures. So I definitely sent it to you because
and then she's a black woman, like I think you
would really like her, like she is, like I swear
by her, like I even recommend her to some of
the listeners, and everybody loves her. Oh wow, Oh it's
(13:33):
just me on your dad. I also thought it was
pretty disgusting how he didn't respect your religion and he
was trying to sneak and give you poor what is wrong?
And it's funny now, but when I was you should
have saw me in my bed. I was like, is
he serious?
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Yeah, because he evil? That's yes.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
I don't know, like I'm I'm trying to justify fakes
and pause like, oh, well.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Maybe this person is they don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
It's just like, why would you do that, Like it's
no reason for me to have that.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
There's no reason for me to have that.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
It's just like but there would be times where if
you didn't eat that, then you wouldn't eat And meanwhile
his whole family would be over there just going to
town like y'all at the party. It was just heartbreaking.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Yeah, he did a lot of stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
I don't know, I honestly thought. And I always used
to think, like why does he hate me so much?
Like what did I do? Like I always remember like
asking myself that when I was a kid, like why
does he hate me so much? Like what did I
do to him? And like I because they really always
asked that it did, and like I just I never
answer myself back. But then some at some points, you know,
(14:42):
because you're young and you want your father because everybody
else got a father but you, and you're like, well,
why does he hate me?
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Like what did I do to him? And you're like, well,
maybe it's just me.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
Maybe I messed up, Maybe I did something wrong, and
that's why. And so you just internalized a lot of shit,
and and then.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
You started believing in a sense yeah yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Then you start like doing stuff that you're ass to
be doing, you're trying to fill avoid or you've just
become really hard and you don't trust niggas. Basically, that's
I mean, I'm a lot better now, but still there's
like that seed inside of me that's very very much
so guarded when it comes to me, and especially black
man unfortunately. And I don't like to make I don't
like generalizing statements, but like with me and my mental
(15:21):
illness and my trauma that I've got from you know me,
and for the most part has been black men.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Who've like done me really really bad.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
So I have a very very I'm very guarded when
it comes to them, and a very untrusted, untrusting and
then two men in general, I'm very untrusting as well.
So yeah, it's crazy how that the trickle down effect happens.
It's very so it's very prevalent when you get traumatized
by someone over many, many, many times, and you're an
adult now, so it's like, I don't trust nobody that
(15:51):
looks like that, anyone who sounds like that but I also.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Feel like it's hard for you to believe in men
because not only just your father, but the other man
that your mom was married to was not good examples
for sure. Yeah, because yeah, because it's like you didn't
experience trauma which is this man, which is your father,
you are your sperm donor, because i'd be saying my
sperm donor, but you experienced it with other men that
your mom was married to. And it was kind of
(16:15):
like a sense with I feel like with your mom,
because I feel like your mom was like in some
sense that she was very overprotective, but like, I don't
have a good liation with my mom either, So when
I was reading your story with your mom, and I
kind of like had empathy towards her because I feel
like she was just trying to protect y'all in the
sense of y'all not experiencing the trauma that she went through.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah, I do.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Yeah, I definitely feel like she was over protective for
a reason, especially because she was, you know, sexually assaulted
when she was younger, So I definitely understand that part.
Speaker 4 (16:49):
But she didn't even want child around her husband at all,
Like at all, she was extremely she didn't want to
around anybody really, like she cut off her own family
members and stuff, not because of us, but just because
like she has some stuff going on with them, like.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
And so we were very very much so so so
in her shale, in her own world, which is which
caused a lot of issues for us because we didn't
know how to like thrive outside of her world that
she created for us because we were homeschooled, so we
didn't get a lot of you know, we were around her.
She wouldn't let us go to people's houses like that.
We couldn't go to family people, We couldn't go to
(17:23):
a family member's house. So it was very very much
so enclosed and so being so sheltered and then going
out to the real world that was very interesting for
a lot of me and my siblings.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
So, how is your relationship with your mom now? Because
I know she is she is she still a little
sick because I know she had like a disorder with
her joints.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Right, Yeah, she's still Yeah, it's getting worse unfortunately unfortunately now.
So when my book dropped, yes, she so basically I
only talk to my older sister, Like me and her
are very very tight, very very cool. My other siblings
are very weird, and then that's putting it nicely.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
There. I don't have contact with them like that.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
My younger sister is enables my mother, and my mother
enables her, and so they both have some type They
both have some toxic stuff going on that I told
them over and over again that I'm not going to
be involved in. But they think I'm playing with them.
So basically, when my book got launched, I asked my mother,
that's what I'll runt her card to, you know, bring
her to the book signing.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
She'd have to worry about nothing. I was going to
pay for everything, you know.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I didn't have the money like that anyway, but anyway,
and I was gonna make con sessions for her to come.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
And literally where she.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Lives is about forty minutes from to where my book
signing was, and I had two of them. She didn't
come to either one of them, and I was.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Very hurt about that, And so I.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Don't know if she I was going to tell her
about the book that day because leading up I didn't
feel like dealing with any of the theatrics of the book.
So I was gonna tell her when she came to
the thing or whatever you know about the book, and
she didn't show up, and so it was a whole
situation about that she tried to gaslight me. So right
now we're in not a good place right now. And
(19:10):
it's been the books, the books for now since October,
and she have not had a conversation because she she
busy gaslighting. She's too busy using her illness to treat
people like shit. And so right now I'm in a
place where it's just like I'm not subjecting myself to abuse.
Am I enabling your your your ridiculousness? People are sick,
but they don't get they don't get to treat people
(19:32):
like crap because they're sick, you know what I mean.
And so because I only have one parent I do
the only reason I have to cut her off is
because I only have her left. My grandparents have passed away,
my father's not there, so it's like I don't have
anybody else to you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
It's just like I'm still I'm still in like.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
The limbo of like what should I do with the situation,
because obviously it's hurting me.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Yeah, so I'm right now I'm not talking to her.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
I'm gonna give you my therapist number because I don't
have a relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
With my mom or my father.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
And at first I was like you like feeling kind
of hurt, but then again it's just like yo, like
all you have is yourself these days, Like if you
can't even that's true, if you can't even have your
mom show up and support you, it's just like what
more can you do at this point? You know?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah, I feel like anything I do is like never enough.
It's never And it's so funny.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I'm the most.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Decorated out of all my siblings, like like many many
times over, like I am the most like educated, I'm
the most like well traveled. I've had like I have
two masters. My family does not care. They've treated me
like I've done something to them when I've literally just
lived my best life aside from them. And it's like
they have they have resentment towards me or just that
(20:41):
type of vendetta. They can't bring themselves to celebrate my wings.
And so because now I'm like, well I don't care,
I'm so do my own thing, it's like, oh, she
doesn't care, she's too big for us. Now it's like
who said that, y'all. I invite y'all to every single thing.
You guys don't care.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
You guys resent me, and so it's funny how it's
just like they don't care.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
About me, and uh so, which is bad because everyone's alive,
everyone has cars, everyone got like the internet, and nobody
comes and supports me. But I get hello love from
complete strangers, which is very it's very interesting. The Yeah,
it's it's weird.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Because when I found you on Instagram and like you're popping,
like you get loved from everybody, all shapes and sizes
and colors. So I mean that's just an indicator of
who you are as a person, like you are love
and I know it's not to have that love for
you media family, but sometimes you just have to just
keep it moving, you know. And speaking of your Instagram,
(21:40):
I know you're a big advocate for body positivity. Yes,
so when didn't you learn to love the body that
you're in? Because I also think with your book, you
did a great job of showing that transition from where
you were in the beginning to where you're at now
because now you're like a damn they're a supermodel. So
how was that transition.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
Oh man, it's a difficult like I think that people
and that's why I like to keep it one hundred
to sit with my followers, because I.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Don't think people never show you the other side of success.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
And by no means my saying I'm like a mega
super million follower account, but like I have done some
things that I've never thought I would do, and other
people would think that someone who looks like me, like
me would never achieve or do.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
And so looking from.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
The other side of success, it's so interesting to be
like you might be modeling with the top models, but
you steal are othered, you know what I'm saying, Like
you steal are othered. It's like you don't necessarily fit
in even though you've made it to that point. And
it's it's sometimes it's intimidating, like you get imposter syndrome.
You you know your body, there's more fear falls in there,
(22:46):
like you know your your fat phobic ideologies seat back
in there. And so even though you might see a
beautiful picture on the internet and see me on sets
with these people who are like amazing and traveling around
the world, I still have like these deep rooted insecurities
that I fight against and have definitely overcome half more than.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Halfway, but they still seep in.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
And I think there's a misconception that is because you're
popping on the Internet, that means that you got money,
that means that you're just like confident twenty for seven,
That means that you're this and you're a man?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Is that?
Speaker 3 (23:17):
And it's just like people who are popping orre successful,
I still have issues.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
They just don't tell you.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
And so I like to make I want to like
so with my brand, it's I'm trying to bring the humanness,
the human element back into the Internet and back to
social media, because at the end of the day, we're
all human beings on social media. Doesn't matter if you
have three million followers. With three followers, you're a human being.
And I want to show people the journey of where
I came from to where I am now and even
(23:44):
the journey.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
That will be five years from now.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
I want to show you the real deal behind the
scenes and what's happening, whether I'm booking gigs or don't
speaking engagements, or I'm having like a mental breakdown, Like
I want you to be right there with me.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
But do you think social media plays into that? Because
I feel like even with myself, like sometimes I have
to like like I don't have all the money that
I want to have, right, So if I see somebody else,
they got this trip, they got this, they got that,
and it plays into it. So do you think that
social media plays until like the fact shaming or the
disrespect to different religions.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
I mean there's always there's I think there's always going
to be the two sides of the coin.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
There's always going.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
To be like social media is a vessel for us
to connect with other human beings, right, And if that's
through hatred, then that's your connection.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
If it's through love.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
And positivity and empowerment, then that's going to be your connection.
Same thing with money, the same thing with like any
any anything.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I can say, I.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Can say personally that if I didn't have Instagram, I
would not be here right now. That's I would have
a book deal, I would not be working with Target,
I would not have flowed and done anything within Europe
without Instagram. And so just yes, yes, there are so
many trolls online. Yes, like social media can play it's
a fat phobia and it's I'm a phobia and colorism
(25:02):
and classism. Of course it can, but it's like you
need to be able to figure out how to shield yourself.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
And these things also curate your feed. My feed is curated.
If I feel like.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
You're doing too many before and after pictures, I might
have mad love for you, but it's triggering to me.
If you're talking about some flat tummy tea, I'm sorry, love,
get your coins, but I'm gonna unfollow you. If you're
talking about like you know, if you're like trying to
talk about how marcial babies are so cute over dark
skied babies, I'm sorry, I'm following you. Know what I'm saying,
like you, if you want to do some stupid stuff
(25:34):
that I don't want to see, then I'm gonna un
follow you now because I hate you, not so I
want to support you. But now now you're going to
the left and I'm trying to get to the right,
and so you have to be able to be like
you know what, I'm gonna curate my feed because I
don't want to fall into the trap of seeing stuff
that triggers me. And so people have to understand that
social media can be used for good or bad. I
want to I want to mostly use mine for something
(25:55):
that's empowering and something that's gonna make me a stronger individual.
I'm not trying to hear and see all the extra
stuff facts.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
I know. So you was married for almost a decade,
which I was like shocked. And I don't want to
do too much energy to that because I think you're
just so dope. And I think I don't want to give
too much of your book away because your book is
really amazing, but throughout your tenure, I mean that would
just traumatize it within thisself. What would you say was
the number one lesson you learned from that?
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (26:25):
I think the number one lesson is that you really
don't I would say for people to stop trying to
find other people to fulfill you or to make you whole.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
And I think Will Smith.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
Said something very very similar when you're talking about like
marriage and stuff with Jada and stuff like that, and
how they're not looking to complete each other, they're looking
to enhance one another. And I was like, Wow, it's
so simple, but we always try to a lot of
us are scared to be alone.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
A lot of us are afraid to sit with ourselves.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
That's why we have serial daters and people who are
and I'm very sex positive, people who are hyper sexual
and to the point where they're not doing because they
want to do it. They're doing it because they're trying
to fill a void or they don't want to be alone.
And we're doing these things and we're hitting the same
the same wall because we're too afraid to really sit
with ourselves and ask ourselves, what do you want now?
(27:21):
What society told you to do? Not the fairy tale wedding?
Not the fairy tale?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Dude?
Speaker 3 (27:26):
How do you create your own fairy tale and then
invite someone into that?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
And you guys, invite each other into.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
You as situations instead of being like, well I need
him to fulfil me and make me a whole circle. No,
that's not what you need. You need to be able
to find for yourself and travel the world so low
and do things you've never done before and attain those things,
and sometimes you have to do those things alone.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
We were just like and I tell myself that too.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
After I got divorced, I'm like, well, I'm broken and
I need to have somebody so I can feel like
I'm and I'm just like it.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Basically I was doing reckless stuff, which is also in
a book.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Because I was I was trying to feel I was
trying to fulfill a void and I was just I
was just racking up bodies, just like everybody else was,
and that wasn't me. And I'm just like, you know
what you have to be. You had to be by yourself.
That that's it. And yes it's uncomfortable, yes it was painful.
But now I was just like, I want to get
to a point where if I do invite someone into
my space, whatever, whether it's serious or not serious, they
(28:25):
need to serve a purpose and vice versa. If we're
not serving each other's purpose, then there's no point of
us talking.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
So I'm very very selective.
Speaker 3 (28:32):
Now I think I've learned what I don't want from
the firm, from us from the situation is that I
need to be selective and stop trying to change people,
stop trying to fill your void with something that's like ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
And I learned a lot. For I think I learned a.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Lot from that that that situation, in that ten year relationship,
that ship.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
I mean, he.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Tried it, he did, But do you think the reason
one of the reasons why you stayed in that relationship
for the amount of time that you did results back
to not having that positive black man or just positive
man figure in your life.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
I think that I did not want to get divorced
because I didn't want to be a serial marriage.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Or like my mom like oh that too.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Yeah. And my sister made a pack who was like
we will never, we will never, Like we literally made
a pack like a couple times in life, like when
she got married and I got married, I was like, nope,
not doing it. And so I kept, like I kept
to my promise, like I'm not gonna get married eighty
thousand times, like I've seen other women and me and
you and my own mother.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
And so that was one.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
Also, I put a lot of time and effort into
him because he was definitely not what it was when
I first met him, okay, And I put a lot
of effort and energy into that man. And so I
was like, you know what, I'm not gonna let another
bitch take my hard work. So it was pride, pride,
it was, but the same time, it's just like that's
(29:58):
not you chose to be that for her, So for him,
you chose to put your time and energy and take
away from you your cups put in his cup. You
chose to do that, So whatever happens happened, and so
I had to get over I had to humble myself
and get over that and be like, you know what,
he's not your property, and yes, somebody else is gonna
deal with him the good stuff that you've given him,
but also they got to deal with his bullshit too,
(30:20):
because it's.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
A lot of that. And so I had to get
out of that mindset as like, oh, I built you,
I made you, and da da da da, and you
know your mind and no, I had to get over that,
like that's not we can't do that to people.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
I was like, Yo, this nigga guy some nerve. You
showed him how to do a resume, got him a job,
and he had the nerve to move the way he
was moving.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Was Na, that's what they do. That's what they do.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Fortunately, that's why I'm just like see and like, God,
try to finesse me now and like it never lasts
because they get because I tell I'm pretty blunt, and God,
try to finesse me.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
I was like, honey, I made I wrote the book
on finessing try again.
Speaker 3 (30:55):
They're like, oh, so you want of those. Yes, I'm
one of those. Keep it moving, brother. They'd be like, oh, okay,
go find your next victim somewhere else. I had a
whole relationship stop exactly.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
I'm just curious because your mom was married. I think
you said like five times.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
No, she was married. I think nine times. I think
two of them were the same person. So yeah, about
like nine times times.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
So what do you think that their mom taught you
about men?
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Well, it depends on like what era.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
So when I was first, because it's like the first
ten years and next ten years, the next ten years.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
So I'm thirty. I think initially I think she taught
us that they were disposable.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
Yo, I was thinking that.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yeah, So like from an early age, I always thought
men were so disposable, Like I thought that they just
came in cause issues, got you pregnant, and then left
Like that's how like I thought. That's what I thought
me indeed, And so from when I was like, you know,
little to like maybe sixteen, I always thought they were disposable.
And so that also like made it hard for me
to make connections with me and and stuff like that.
(31:59):
Becausemes like, I mean, you can go, like at the end,
like the most minor inconvenience, you can go because I
know you can go. And so it wasn't even like, oh,
let's talk about this, let's try to work this out.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
It was like, you can go. And so that's what
I learned.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Unfortunately from her, I'd like to have a better answer
for you other than that, but I feel like that
was that's what I learned from her, as that man
are disposable.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
So let's talk about your breaking point with therapy. When
I was reading in that chapter, I was like, yo,
I so feel her on this. What was the breaking
point for you to attend therapy because I feel like
it was a struggle for you to even go.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Oh for sure.
Speaker 3 (32:37):
So I've had like mental breaks throughout my life a
lot of time, like through my life or whatever, and
I never knew what they were because we didn't really.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Talk about mental illness when we were like little.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
So like when I used to have them and I
would be clipping out and freaking out, I would never
know what they were and never even cared to research
it because I don't talk about it. And so the
breaking point for me was when I was working a
job that I hated. I just I just not just
just graduated, but I was married. We have been there
for a couple of years. I had left a job
(33:07):
that was very abusive and like racist. I was the
only black girl in a white store. I was a manager.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
I was young. They were mad about it.
Speaker 3 (33:15):
So I was educated and young, and they couldn't take it,
of course, and so I had to leave that situation
because it was making me go very, very crazy.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
I was unemployed for a very long time. Finally got another.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Job that ended up being a lot worse, more diverse,
but feel worse, and I started having really really bad
mental breaks like anxiety, deep depression, like anger, and just
like I was at the bottom of the barrel mentally,
like I didn't think highly of myself, I didn't think
highly of others. I hated myself and I hated other
(33:46):
people people. Yeah, I don't want people talking to me.
I don't think saying shit to me. Let me sit
on my anger and hatred for everything. And so the
breaking point for me, I think was when I went
to jail. That was I think that was like that
was like the top breaking point. I was just like,
you are in a master's program, you like are smart like
you are not, Like, no, you're you're not a bum bitch.
(34:08):
Why why are you sitting here right now? And I
started laughing at myself in the fucking jail cell because
I was like, it's real stupid. You look so dumb right.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
Now, but you're laughing at yourself.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
No, I was like laugh frying because I look so
dumb because I allowed somebody to get me to that
point of like almost no, like that could have went
so bad, Like I'm whatever you believe in with this god,
like whatever, the entity the universe whatever, like was really
looking out for me because that could have went so bad,
Like I was protected that that day because it could
(34:41):
have been really really bad. Way I could have been
in prison, I could have lost everything, and so like
I knew that, and I was like, you know what,
never again when I put my hands with somebody, Never
again while I even get to the point where I'm
just that angry where I black out, That will never
happen again, And I will drive my hardest. They do,
they do, but exactly. And I was like, so I
(35:05):
kept my promise. I've not touched anybody. I've not been
to jail, not been arrested, no police call it on me. Uh,
since that day happened. And I'm like, I know, I'm
very proud of that because like I definitely didn't give
a fuck.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
I was like, oh, jail, put me in prison.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
I don't care, Like I was that person like put
me in okays.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
You basically basically, so, how has.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
A tenant therapy you are now?
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Mm? I think that. I think therapy has definitely saved
my life.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Like, honestly, I'm actually looking for therapists now again with
my insurance company and so.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Finally I'm getting back in when I should have been
guy back in.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
But the five year stint that I did with like
therapy prior to this, it's definitely made me a lot
more self aware because like I have a personality disorder,
and so I'm not aware of certain things how they
make people feel, and so I'm the more where are
people's feelings?
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Aware of my old feelings?
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Boundaries have been set now, Like boundaries is like my
number one.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
For every single year.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Yeah, it's like boundaries and like your your breaking point
of like when you do get to the blackout phase
when you're pulling our knives and guns. How do how
do you take a step back three steps before we
get to that break your points?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I like, now I'm I'm the queen of getting my
person walking out.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
Like I've walked out of bus meetings, I worked out
of work, walked out of work meetings, I walked out
of friend friend conversations.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Coming back.
Speaker 3 (36:32):
Nope, she's not coming back because because when I said
I'm done, I'm done.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
So I am the queen of boundaries. I don't play
that ship. My piece is so much more than what
it was before. Like, I'm not losing my ship over
something that I can control. So I will leave. I
will leave.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
Yeah, I've definitely left before.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah. So one thing about this book and that you
constantly kept talking just putting emphasis on it, and I
was just like wow, like because like you, Like I
was like so fucking angry these past couple of months,
and I just thought it was so beautiful how you
told your story and how you shared it. Did you
ever think that by using your anger that you would
(37:11):
get the result that you have now with a book?
Speaker 2 (37:15):
No, definitely not, definitely not.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Because you you can read the pain, like I think
that's why I just relate to it. So much because
like you, like I just know when it feels like
when nothing is sticking to the damn wall, like you
just so frustrated. So when you were just telling your story,
and like most black people, especially black women, like we
just grow up and like traumatize in household. So it's
just like I just thought it was just so amazing
that you shared your story with us, and like for
(37:40):
it to be a book and it's a good book
that we need to get to New York Times bestseller.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Hey, that would be awesome. Yeah, I never thought it
was possible. Honestly, I think one thing.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
So I always asked myself, what makes you different from
somebody else that you grew up with, because a lot
of people that I grew up with did not have
not made it. They have basically succumbed to the trauma
and now they're doing it to their children, or they
are sitting in it with the bullshit ass man, or
they are you know, not living to their fullest potential.
And I always ask myself, what makes you different from
the other people that have not made it?
Speaker 2 (38:15):
And I always say that I have, Well.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
I'm very diligent. I don't take no for an answer.
Also I'm very like to use I like to use
people's negativity. I like to use it to like push
myself to go further and do more and do better
than them.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Then I also, like I always.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I always kept hope that there are something larger for me,
There are something bigger for me that we couldn't that
we none of us could imagine. Like I always would
tell myself every year, like, there's something waiting for you
on the other side that you can't even fucking imagine.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
You have to keep going. And I would tell myself
that every year. I don't know where that.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Came from, but I felt it in my heart and
my soul that something was meant for me that was
bigger than what the fuck I was living in, what
I was looking at, what people were telling me. And
I still believe that now, like I believe that one
day I'm going to be a mobile.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Like that's it.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
I don't know how it's gonna happen and what's gonna happen,
For sure it's gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
So how have.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Been so transparent help you with your healing? Because I
can only imagine what you reading in this writing this book,
sharing these stories, having these conversations like it kind of
bring up some type of feelings, does it.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Yeah, I mean they always bring up traumas.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
I think that when you talk about it more is easier.
But there are certain topics I'm so like, M, well,
this is still very much, very much so painful to
either talk about or to you know, remember. And the
memoir was in itself very painful to write because I
had to like bring up stuff that I had buried
for ten years, five years, fifteen years, and to bring
(39:48):
them to the head and actually write about them and
even edit them was very very painful. Like I would
have to take lots of breaks.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
I would cry a lot.
Speaker 3 (39:57):
I would yeah, naps and crying is how I wrote
that book like in between because it was just too
much to recall from of those things. And so I
haven't really read the book recently, but I did. There's
one essay that I read about I think the time
when I was like at the beach and I was
just like about to admit myself said to the psyche
war and I read that one. I hadn't read it
in like a year, and so of course that's the
(40:19):
fucking one I picked to read at this book signing
and the tray and I started busting out crying and
people was an audience crying, and I was just.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Like, dangn no, but that's real shit, man, I'm telling you.
Like when I was reading your book, I was just like, yo, Like,
there's so many stories that I can relate to, like
with this childhood trauma, with my mom being with so
many different men, but my daddy ain't being shit, my
abortion story, like being in relationship for so long, Like
it was like, Oh, I was just like, Nah, this
(40:46):
shit is so fucking fire man.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
Last, and not least, what is some advice you would
give to our listeners on embracing their story and loving
themselves more throughout it all?
Speaker 3 (40:58):
I think that I mean, and going back to like
what I told myself to get to where I am now,
is that you know, on the other side of fear
is greatness. Like you have to really look at you,
you have to really sit alone, and you have to
ask yourself, what am I like most afraid of?
Speaker 2 (41:17):
Am I afraid of failing? Am I afraid of success? Like?
Speaker 3 (41:20):
Am I afraid of sitting us this resume out or
starting this podcast or trying to start this career, Like
what are you most afraid of in life? And I
want you to dive all the way into it, like
I want you to like for real, for real, like
passionately dive into it. And like, I know a lot
of times people have the resources that we need. But
at the same time, it's like we can create our
(41:41):
own resources. A lot of things can be done with
just bothering with research, you know what I'm saying, Like
with clearest rack items, with borrowing things for other people.
Like we can do things, and the best things that
we do are these creative things that we do that
are stimming from our traumas and our pain and stuff
like that. So I just feel like there's no reason
(42:02):
for us not to do what we want to do,
Like there's not a reason.
Speaker 2 (42:05):
Like the human.
Speaker 3 (42:06):
Body is like it's I call it our temporary vessels.
Mean these bodies that we have are loaners. This is
not our bodies. And so if it's a loaner and
you knew how much time you had, what would you do,
Like would you go and do the thing that you
really want to do? So then what's stopping you? And
I'm not saying I'm not saying it's easy to do it.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
But you have to see you have to try, like
you owd to yourself, you odd to the vessel that
you have that's borrowed to at least try.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
And the second thing I would say is to never
listen to other people.
Speaker 3 (42:40):
Fact because like people will really try to like just
like derail you and like I muscle.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
So I believe that there is there are people put
in your life to boost you.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
There are people put in your life just to stop
you from doing something. And you'll notice that when you're
close to a breakthrough, that's when I start coming heavy.
You cannot allow them, you cannot allow their negativity, their insecurities.
And I'm talking about close family friends, baby daddy, h
your husband, baby mom said, everybody, everybody. You cannot allow
(43:13):
them to tell you what you can and cannot do,
because you will lose a lot of time by listening
to people who don't know what the fuck is going on,
don't know what's going on in their life or their
kids life. Try to tell you what you should do.
So you want to do it, then go do it
and shut out the naysayers.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
Yo, So I am like, I know y'all go. This
bitch is really excited. But I've been trying to get
in contact and have this, I guess on this episode
for like the past two months, so like, and my
birthday is February eighth, so we recorded this episode on
the third. So this is like the best birthday present
ever because I'm telling you, your story has really just
(43:50):
inspired me because I want to eventually write my own book,
and like, you're just such an inspiration. So as a
birthday gift to one of my listeners, whoever emails me for,
I'm going to send you a book of hers. I
put a little no inside of it, but like, I
don't really want to try to go out and get
her book because her, I mean, she is just so amazing, y'all,
and to hear her journey now and to see where
(44:11):
she's at, and if you want to connect with her,
I definitely share with her her Instagram information. But whatever
emailed me first, I'm definitely going to send you our
book because I just like, this has been one of
my favorite books this last year, like love, love, love,
So thank you so much for inspiring me. If y'all
have any questions, comments, or concerns, please email me at
hello at thae pagpodcast dot com and until next time, guys.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
Later by.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, app a podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and break the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PHG podcast
Hello, Professional Homegirls, Ishagirl, ebinet here, and I hope all
is cute now. In this week's rewind episode, I had
a pleasure of speaking with my guests, who shared her
powerful journey as a plus sized Muslim woman navigating the
world while challenging stereotypes and redefining beauty standards. In her conversation,
(00:26):
she opened up about her experiences with body positivity, the
lessons her mom taught her about men, and the power
of using her voice to inspire and empower others, especially
other Muslim women. She also reflected on painful childhood moments,
including her her father y'all, disrespected her and her religion
by trying to feed her poor child, knowing that she
(00:47):
is a whole Muslim, and how those experiences shape her
resilience and commitment to stay true to herself.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
This episode was recorded in twenty nineteen, and when I
tell you her memoir was amazing. I read it within
four and a half hours, So if you are interested
in reading her book, please make sure to email me
at Hello at the pashgpodcast dot com. All right, so
let's get ready, because I am a fat black Muslim
woman starts now, how are you.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Feeling to my guests, I'm doing pretty good.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, I'm super excited. So before we get with the
have our conversation. So I'm an avid reader. So like
last year I read like fifty books, so I read
books like crazy. Wow. So yeah, So I was in
Barnes and Noble and I saw her book. So when
I saw it the title alone, I was just like what,
Like it just caught my eye. And then for those
of you that are interested in her book, please make
(01:40):
sure to email me. I'm going to send it out
an email about her book because her book like really
inspired me in so many different ways. And I also
feel like I saw myself in her book, Like I
feel like I was reading chapters out of my life
baby who. So I was going to get some other
books and I kept walking past her book and I
was just like who is this girl? Like where does
she come from? So I picked up her book and
(02:01):
I read your book within four hours?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Oh wow, yeah, like I could. That's like a record.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Yeah, Like I'm telling you, like, your story has inspired
me so much, and I was like praying and manifesting
that I can have this interview with her. So I'm
really excited about this one, and I hope her story
really do inspire you. So let's get started. So you
are a Muslim woman, yep. And I think that with
your story was definitely educational because there was a lot
(02:27):
of things that I feel like people don't talk about.
So my first question for you is, what are some
misconceptions about Muslim women.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
There's so many you have misconceptions kind of darting from
each direction as you're reading the book. It's not like, oh,
just you know white people, like white women and white
men trying to get you, but there's like Muslim men
and other rus the women, other Muslims who are who
are not African Americans who are trying to attack. So
(02:58):
I think you definitely get all types of stuff from
all directions when you are openly Muslim or any open religion.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
But right now, you know, Muslim and Islam.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Is like under the under the radar right now, and
uh kind of on the under the chalk chopping black
for getting attacked and stereotypes and stuff like that. But
I think some of the major misconceptions of being a
Muslim ista you basically are not even a human like either.
You are seen as just just a monolith. You are
(03:30):
either a terrorist, you know, you're oppressed, or you're you're
you're really perfect and you don't have no issues at all.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
You know, It's like it's you.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
You have a couple of narratives, and then when you
put black Muslim on there, which is what I am,
then it gets more, you know, in depth, like oh,
she's she can't she's not a real Muslim because.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
She's black, or she's uh, you know, she's crazy convert. Yeah,
it's it's very it's very and then awesome, I'm fat.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
So it's just like there are more like misconceptions get
piled on you.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
One thing that liked about about this topic is because
you're very like I think once you start becoming comfortable
with who you are, like you found your boy, so
you was just letting niggas have it. But I felt
like people see that as we get on this podcast.
But I felt like people were feeling that since you
weren't the typical like submissive woman, that that was a
(04:26):
problem for you. And I thought that was just crazy
because you couldn't be who you really are.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Yeah, I think, I mean as soon as you are
kind of born with a vagina, you are automatically, you know,
seen as something right and as soon as you come
out box with with with dark Skin, it's basically supposedly
a wrap for you, right. It's so that is exactly
(04:51):
what it was. Like I was born like this, and
anytime I would say something, it would always be an issue.
You know, I was always in you. You'll see throughout
the book it's it's like, oh, you need to shut up,
like you always talking, like you always got something to say,
like you saw like your broken record.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
It's always no matter what.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I tried to say, whether it was something that I
thought about because I'm I would say I'm a pretty assertive,
confident person, but I would really really try hard to
like be quiet myself and say the right thing to
not upset people or make them uncomfortable. And even when
I did that, people still wasn't having it.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
And I was like, you know, I really like put
it forth.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
The effort to shut up and say the right things,
and you're still not happy. And so that's when I
was just like when the divorce happened, I was like,
fuck all that, it's over, Like it's over for everybody.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
And I remember the day I.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Was on because you know, I was still like an
Instagram influencer. I went on Instagram. I was like, y'all listen,
the divorce was finalized, and whoever you thought you knew,
you don't know, so you can follow me right now.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
It's about to get real real and that's it. That
is it.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
And people were like, yes, we want this, yes, because
like I was like, I'm not whatever y'all thought it
was and all this like little he he ha ha stuff.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
No, like it's real deal.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Right now, and I will never let anyone silence will
never let anyone silence me again.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Like that was the end of that.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Another thing that you bought up. Within your book, you
talked about how you were born a Muslim and you
converted at the age of six. So as you got older,
did you have a question your religion?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Oh? For sure, that's like a normal thing. And if
someone tells you they have it, there, they're fucking line.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Because most people, if not all people, there's always some
type of question on any on any journey that you're
taking in life, anything you choose or your parents choose
for you, there's always an inkling of like is this
the right way to go? Is this the right way
to live like, am I living it for somebody else?
Am I living it for myself? And again, like I
always kind of I think for me with my relationship
(06:51):
with Islam, it was like up and down.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
I never which is normal. Yeah, Like I never was
like I.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Hate Muslims and I don't want to you know, I
don't I want to denounce Islam, but there are certain
parts that I.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Was like this is necessarily for me? Like am I
doing this right?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Like everyone is sitting here calling me sluts and bitches
because I don't because I wear a turban instead of
like a traditional rap to job. So is this really
the religion that I want to be in? If this
is like the scrutiny that I want to have to
live with? And I had to again go through the
journey and figure out what her job meant to me,
figure out what modesty mat for me, figure out what
Islam meant for me. And even though there are certain
(07:29):
things of it that I problem that I, you know,
wouldn't want to dabble in or wouldn't do personally, I'm
still very much so Muslim.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And that's okay, Like that's totally fine.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Anytimes like this, it's okay, it's everything or nothing, and
that's not how life is true.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
One thing that I found interesting within your book, and
this is also an entirey of your book, was how
you talked about being fat and also a Muslim, And
I thought to myself, I'm like, wow, like, I feel
like you noticed that at such a young age. But
then when I was reading the story with your mom
and you being in a clothing store, it kind of
like throughout your whole childhood, it seemed like you were
just fat shame and it started within your household.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Yeah, do you think that.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
I mean, unfortunately a lot of I can't speak with everybody.
I can't really speak on like everybody else's like you know,
like the Asian or Latina or like Middle Eastern. But
I mean, from the stories that I've come up with,
a lot of families unfortunately fat shame and that's.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
The earliest, especially Black families.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, that's like the earliest abuse of like body shaming
is coming from family members and close friends in your household,
and many for many girls and boys too, it starts
super early. Like I've heard people dining like at six
seven eight. I'm just like, that's toxic as fuck. Bro,
And so in my household, same thing. And like I
(08:53):
always like to say, because I feel like a lot
of people think my mother like as.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
They read it, they see her as like the bad guy,
And I tell people.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
My mom did My mom did the best she could
with what she had at that time. Now she's doing
some other stuff now, sure, but at the time, you know,
there are some things that we shouldn't have saw or
we shouldn't have been open to, but we were. And
so we can't change the past, but we can't change
our future. And so I think with her, it was
(09:21):
very cyclical, like her parents did it to her, her grandma,
her great grandmother did it to my grandmother. This this
whole body shame and like just like fat shaming about
you're too skinny, you're to this, you know, your skin
tone is this, and your hair is good, and her
hair is you know, that type of shit was going on.
And so unfortunately it trickled down and to me and
(09:44):
my siblings, and so we definitely we were body shamed.
I was body shamed for my father, who wasn't even
around but still found the need to do.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Yeah, I asked all questions about that because he reminded
me so much of my father, because my father is
I hate to say this term, but he's a crackhead.
And when I was reading a story about your father,
I was just like, yo, like the shape was very sad,
like it is, but I'm going to ask you questions
about that because I really felt like I was reading
chapters on my story. And it's also one of those
things that when you're going through it and you look
(10:13):
back on it, sometimes you'd be like, damn, like and
I'm the only person that's going through this ship. So
when you see that somebody else is going through it,
it's kind of refreshing to know that you're not alone
in this and to see where you're at now, it's
just like so amazing.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
But anyhow, I mean, I think it's just crazy.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
I wish sometimes, like I wish that I could attach
something to my father for him to be so fucked up,
like him being crackhead, which he's not. He's still he's
still messed up. So I'm just like, you have you
make good money, like you're just you're you're just messed up.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
In the head, like you're just not a good human being.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
There's no he doesn't even have no issues other than
some mental stuff that would even cause him to be
so mean to I honestly, Yeah, yeah, I'm at the
point now where it's like I really I don't like
saying I hate people, but and I need to go
go to therapy for this, but I really hate him
and I don't and I don't say about anyone but
him personally.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I mean, if I feel like with him, he definitely
gave you a reason for for what he did to you,
Like when I just read it, like it's one thing
for a parent to be absent, but for what he
did to you and you were struggling like that was like, Oh,
that literally like broke my heart, Like.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah, I'm still shocked that he even did that, Like
that is something that I've not heard anybody's.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, it was. It was bad.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
I tell people what he did because I feel like
we jump in and people what he do what he
does well basically, I.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
Mean it's crazy because there's other stories that ide were
put in the book about what he's done. But I
can imagine he's like that was the top. That was
just like there's some it could have been a whole
book on what he's done.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
When I was reading that, I was like, I know
she's omitted some things, because if he was willing to
do that, I know he did.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Some other exactly that's what he does. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
But so basically what's in the book is that he
basically I was so poor, like it was.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I was to the point where I.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Was like and I was in college, I didn't have
no family support my mom me and her was you know,
not really talking like that. And if we were, she
didn't have the money anyway to support me. And I
was just like putting five dollars in my guess thank
just to get to class. That's all I could afford
is five dollars. I was eating dinner at a friend's house,
like I had a friend and family, like a family
(12:22):
of friends to go to.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Their house eat dinner every every night of the week.
And that's how I was eating.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
And so basically he in a nutshelle just stole some
of my school money that I needed to get to
get to school with. And he just was he was
just doing a lot of stuff and I just I'm
not I have not got.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Closure for that stuff.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
He's never apologized, like even even to I haven't talked
to him. And I think over twelve or thirteen years,
he's still alive, he's still well, living his best life
and has never reached out to me, never apologized for
any of the things he's done, which I definitely need
to get some therapy to kind of get, you know,
(13:04):
get through that, because I still have that, so I'm
still holding on to it.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Well, you know what, I'm going to sing you my
therapist information. She is like, oh my gosh, she has
helped me through some of the worst experiences in my
life and I had to learn how to create my
own closures. So I definitely sent it to you because
and then she's a black woman, like I think you
would really like her, like she is, like I swear
by her, like I even recommend her to some of
the listeners, and everybody loves her. Oh wow, Oh it's
(13:33):
just me on your dad. I also thought it was
pretty disgusting how he didn't respect your religion and he
was trying to sneak and give you poor what is wrong?
And it's funny now, but when I was you should
have saw me in my bed. I was like, is
he serious?
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Yeah, because he evil? That's yes.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
I don't know, like I'm I'm trying to justify fakes
and pause like, oh, well.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Maybe this person is they don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
It's just like, why would you do that, Like it's
no reason for me to have that.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
There's no reason for me to have that.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
It's just like but there would be times where if
you didn't eat that, then you wouldn't eat And meanwhile
his whole family would be over there just going to
town like y'all at the party. It was just heartbreaking.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Yeah, he did a lot of stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
I don't know, I honestly thought. And I always used
to think, like why does he hate me so much?
Like what did I do? Like I always remember like
asking myself that when I was a kid, like why
does he hate me so much? Like what did I
do to him? And like I because they really always
asked that it did, and like I just I never
answer myself back. But then some at some points, you know,
(14:42):
because you're young and you want your father because everybody
else got a father but you, and you're like, well,
why does he hate me?
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Like what did I do to him? And you're like, well,
maybe it's just me.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
Maybe I messed up, Maybe I did something wrong, and
that's why. And so you just internalized a lot of shit,
and and then.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
You started believing in a sense yeah yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Then you start like doing stuff that you're ass to
be doing, you're trying to fill avoid or you've just
become really hard and you don't trust niggas. Basically, that's
I mean, I'm a lot better now, but still there's
like that seed inside of me that's very very much
so guarded when it comes to me, and especially black
man unfortunately. And I don't like to make I don't
like generalizing statements, but like with me and my mental
(15:21):
illness and my trauma that I've got from you know me,
and for the most part has been black men.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Who've like done me really really bad.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
So I have a very very I'm very guarded when
it comes to them, and a very untrusted, untrusting and
then two men in general, I'm very untrusting as well.
So yeah, it's crazy how that the trickle down effect happens.
It's very so it's very prevalent when you get traumatized
by someone over many, many, many times, and you're an
adult now, so it's like, I don't trust nobody that
(15:51):
looks like that, anyone who sounds like that but I also.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Feel like it's hard for you to believe in men
because not only just your father, but the other man
that your mom was married to was not good examples
for sure. Yeah, because yeah, because it's like you didn't
experience trauma which is this man, which is your father,
you are your sperm donor, because i'd be saying my
sperm donor, but you experienced it with other men that
your mom was married to. And it was kind of
(16:15):
like a sense with I feel like with your mom,
because I feel like your mom was like in some
sense that she was very overprotective, but like, I don't
have a good liation with my mom either, So when
I was reading your story with your mom, and I
kind of like had empathy towards her because I feel
like she was just trying to protect y'all in the
sense of y'all not experiencing the trauma that she went through.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah, I do.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Yeah, I definitely feel like she was over protective for
a reason, especially because she was, you know, sexually assaulted
when she was younger, So I definitely understand that part.
Speaker 4 (16:49):
But she didn't even want child around her husband at all,
Like at all, she was extremely she didn't want to
around anybody really, like she cut off her own family
members and stuff, not because of us, but just because
like she has some stuff going on with them, like.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
And so we were very very much so so so
in her shale, in her own world, which is which
caused a lot of issues for us because we didn't
know how to like thrive outside of her world that
she created for us because we were homeschooled, so we
didn't get a lot of you know, we were around her.
She wouldn't let us go to people's houses like that.
We couldn't go to family people, We couldn't go to
(17:23):
a family member's house. So it was very very much
so enclosed and so being so sheltered and then going
out to the real world that was very interesting for
a lot of me and my siblings.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
So, how is your relationship with your mom now? Because
I know she is she is she still a little
sick because I know she had like a disorder with
her joints.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Right, Yeah, she's still Yeah, it's getting worse unfortunately unfortunately now.
So when my book dropped, yes, she so basically I
only talk to my older sister, Like me and her
are very very tight, very very cool. My other siblings
are very weird, and then that's putting it nicely.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
There. I don't have contact with them like that.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
My younger sister is enables my mother, and my mother
enables her, and so they both have some type They
both have some toxic stuff going on that I told
them over and over again that I'm not going to
be involved in. But they think I'm playing with them.
So basically, when my book got launched, I asked my mother,
that's what I'll runt her card to, you know, bring
her to the book signing.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
She'd have to worry about nothing. I was going to
pay for everything, you know.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I didn't have the money like that anyway, but anyway,
and I was gonna make con sessions for her to come.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
And literally where she.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Lives is about forty minutes from to where my book
signing was, and I had two of them. She didn't
come to either one of them, and I was.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Very hurt about that, And so I.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Don't know if she I was going to tell her
about the book that day because leading up I didn't
feel like dealing with any of the theatrics of the book.
So I was gonna tell her when she came to
the thing or whatever you know about the book, and
she didn't show up, and so it was a whole
situation about that she tried to gaslight me. So right
now we're in not a good place right now. And
(19:10):
it's been the books, the books for now since October,
and she have not had a conversation because she she
busy gaslighting. She's too busy using her illness to treat
people like shit. And so right now I'm in a
place where it's just like I'm not subjecting myself to abuse.
Am I enabling your your your ridiculousness? People are sick,
but they don't get they don't get to treat people
(19:32):
like crap because they're sick, you know what I mean.
And so because I only have one parent I do
the only reason I have to cut her off is
because I only have her left. My grandparents have passed away,
my father's not there, so it's like I don't have
anybody else to you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
It's just like I'm still I'm still in like.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
The limbo of like what should I do with the situation,
because obviously it's hurting me.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Yeah, so I'm right now I'm not talking to her.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
I'm gonna give you my therapist number because I don't
have a relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
With my mom or my father.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
And at first I was like you like feeling kind
of hurt, but then again it's just like yo, like
all you have is yourself these days, Like if you
can't even that's true, if you can't even have your
mom show up and support you, it's just like what
more can you do at this point? You know?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah, I feel like anything I do is like never enough.
It's never And it's so funny.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I'm the most.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Decorated out of all my siblings, like like many many
times over, like I am the most like educated, I'm
the most like well traveled. I've had like I have
two masters. My family does not care. They've treated me
like I've done something to them when I've literally just
lived my best life aside from them. And it's like
they have they have resentment towards me or just that
(20:41):
type of vendetta. They can't bring themselves to celebrate my wings.
And so because now I'm like, well I don't care,
I'm so do my own thing, it's like, oh, she
doesn't care, she's too big for us. Now it's like
who said that, y'all. I invite y'all to every single thing.
You guys don't care.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
You guys resent me, and so it's funny how it's
just like they don't care.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
About me, and uh so, which is bad because everyone's alive,
everyone has cars, everyone got like the internet, and nobody
comes and supports me. But I get hello love from
complete strangers, which is very it's very interesting. The Yeah,
it's it's weird.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Because when I found you on Instagram and like you're popping,
like you get loved from everybody, all shapes and sizes
and colors. So I mean that's just an indicator of
who you are as a person, like you are love
and I know it's not to have that love for
you media family, but sometimes you just have to just
keep it moving, you know. And speaking of your Instagram,
(21:40):
I know you're a big advocate for body positivity. Yes,
so when didn't you learn to love the body that
you're in? Because I also think with your book, you
did a great job of showing that transition from where
you were in the beginning to where you're at now
because now you're like a damn they're a supermodel. So
how was that transition.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
Oh man, it's a difficult like I think that people
and that's why I like to keep it one hundred
to sit with my followers, because I.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Don't think people never show you the other side of success.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
And by no means my saying I'm like a mega
super million follower account, but like I have done some
things that I've never thought I would do, and other
people would think that someone who looks like me, like
me would never achieve or do.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
And so looking from.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
The other side of success, it's so interesting to be
like you might be modeling with the top models, but
you steal are othered, you know what I'm saying, Like
you steal are othered. It's like you don't necessarily fit
in even though you've made it to that point. And
it's it's sometimes it's intimidating, like you get imposter syndrome.
You you know your body, there's more fear falls in there,
(22:46):
like you know your your fat phobic ideologies seat back
in there. And so even though you might see a
beautiful picture on the internet and see me on sets
with these people who are like amazing and traveling around
the world, I still have like these deep rooted insecurities
that I fight against and have definitely overcome half more than.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Halfway, but they still seep in.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
And I think there's a misconception that is because you're
popping on the Internet, that means that you got money,
that means that you're just like confident twenty for seven,
That means that you're this and you're a man?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Is that?
Speaker 3 (23:17):
And it's just like people who are popping orre successful,
I still have issues.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
They just don't tell you.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
And so I like to make I want to like
so with my brand, it's I'm trying to bring the humanness,
the human element back into the Internet and back to
social media, because at the end of the day, we're
all human beings on social media. Doesn't matter if you
have three million followers. With three followers, you're a human being.
And I want to show people the journey of where
I came from to where I am now and even
(23:44):
the journey.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
That will be five years from now.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
I want to show you the real deal behind the
scenes and what's happening, whether I'm booking gigs or don't
speaking engagements, or I'm having like a mental breakdown, Like
I want you to be right there with me.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
But do you think social media plays into that? Because
I feel like even with myself, like sometimes I have
to like like I don't have all the money that
I want to have, right, So if I see somebody else,
they got this trip, they got this, they got that,
and it plays into it. So do you think that
social media plays until like the fact shaming or the
disrespect to different religions.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
I mean there's always there's I think there's always going
to be the two sides of the coin.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
There's always going.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
To be like social media is a vessel for us
to connect with other human beings, right, And if that's
through hatred, then that's your connection.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
If it's through love.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
And positivity and empowerment, then that's going to be your connection.
Same thing with money, the same thing with like any
any anything.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I can say, I.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Can say personally that if I didn't have Instagram, I
would not be here right now. That's I would have
a book deal, I would not be working with Target,
I would not have flowed and done anything within Europe
without Instagram. And so just yes, yes, there are so
many trolls online. Yes, like social media can play it's
a fat phobia and it's I'm a phobia and colorism
(25:02):
and classism. Of course it can, but it's like you
need to be able to figure out how to shield yourself.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
And these things also curate your feed. My feed is curated.
If I feel like.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
You're doing too many before and after pictures, I might
have mad love for you, but it's triggering to me.
If you're talking about some flat tummy tea, I'm sorry, love,
get your coins, but I'm gonna unfollow you. If you're
talking about like you know, if you're like trying to
talk about how marcial babies are so cute over dark
skied babies, I'm sorry, I'm following you. Know what I'm saying,
like you, if you want to do some stupid stuff
(25:34):
that I don't want to see, then I'm gonna un
follow you now because I hate you, not so I
want to support you. But now now you're going to
the left and I'm trying to get to the right,
and so you have to be able to be like
you know what, I'm gonna curate my feed because I
don't want to fall into the trap of seeing stuff
that triggers me. And so people have to understand that
social media can be used for good or bad. I
want to I want to mostly use mine for something
(25:55):
that's empowering and something that's gonna make me a stronger individual.
I'm not trying to hear and see all the extra
stuff facts.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
I know. So you was married for almost a decade,
which I was like shocked. And I don't want to
do too much energy to that because I think you're
just so dope. And I think I don't want to give
too much of your book away because your book is
really amazing, but throughout your tenure, I mean that would
just traumatize it within thisself. What would you say was
the number one lesson you learned from that?
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (26:25):
I think the number one lesson is that you really
don't I would say for people to stop trying to
find other people to fulfill you or to make you whole.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
And I think Will Smith.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
Said something very very similar when you're talking about like
marriage and stuff with Jada and stuff like that, and
how they're not looking to complete each other, they're looking
to enhance one another. And I was like, Wow, it's
so simple, but we always try to a lot of
us are scared to be alone.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
A lot of us are afraid to sit with ourselves.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
That's why we have serial daters and people who are
and I'm very sex positive, people who are hyper sexual
and to the point where they're not doing because they
want to do it. They're doing it because they're trying
to fill a void or they don't want to be alone.
And we're doing these things and we're hitting the same
the same wall because we're too afraid to really sit
with ourselves and ask ourselves, what do you want now?
(27:21):
What society told you to do? Not the fairy tale wedding?
Not the fairy tale?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Dude?
Speaker 3 (27:26):
How do you create your own fairy tale and then
invite someone into that?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
And you guys, invite each other into.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
You as situations instead of being like, well I need
him to fulfil me and make me a whole circle. No,
that's not what you need. You need to be able
to find for yourself and travel the world so low
and do things you've never done before and attain those things,
and sometimes you have to do those things alone.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
We were just like and I tell myself that too.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
After I got divorced, I'm like, well, I'm broken and
I need to have somebody so I can feel like
I'm and I'm just like it.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Basically I was doing reckless stuff, which is also in
a book.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Because I was I was trying to feel I was
trying to fulfill a void and I was just I
was just racking up bodies, just like everybody else was,
and that wasn't me. And I'm just like, you know
what you have to be. You had to be by yourself.
That that's it. And yes it's uncomfortable, yes it was painful.
But now I was just like, I want to get
to a point where if I do invite someone into
my space, whatever, whether it's serious or not serious, they
(28:25):
need to serve a purpose and vice versa. If we're
not serving each other's purpose, then there's no point of
us talking.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
So I'm very very selective.
Speaker 3 (28:32):
Now I think I've learned what I don't want from
the firm, from us from the situation is that I
need to be selective and stop trying to change people,
stop trying to fill your void with something that's like ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
And I learned a lot. For I think I learned a.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Lot from that that that situation, in that ten year relationship,
that ship.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
I mean, he.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Tried it, he did, But do you think the reason
one of the reasons why you stayed in that relationship
for the amount of time that you did results back
to not having that positive black man or just positive
man figure in your life.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
I think that I did not want to get divorced
because I didn't want to be a serial marriage.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Or like my mom like oh that too.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Yeah. And my sister made a pack who was like
we will never, we will never, Like we literally made
a pack like a couple times in life, like when
she got married and I got married, I was like, nope,
not doing it. And so I kept, like I kept
to my promise, like I'm not gonna get married eighty
thousand times, like I've seen other women and me and
you and my own mother.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
And so that was one.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
Also, I put a lot of time and effort into
him because he was definitely not what it was when
I first met him, okay, And I put a lot
of effort and energy into that man. And so I
was like, you know what, I'm not gonna let another
bitch take my hard work. So it was pride, pride,
it was, but the same time, it's just like that's
(29:58):
not you chose to be that for her, So for him,
you chose to put your time and energy and take
away from you your cups put in his cup. You
chose to do that, So whatever happens happened, and so
I had to get over I had to humble myself
and get over that and be like, you know what,
he's not your property, and yes, somebody else is gonna
deal with him the good stuff that you've given him,
but also they got to deal with his bullshit too,
(30:20):
because it's.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
A lot of that. And so I had to get
out of that mindset as like, oh, I built you,
I made you, and da da da da, and you
know your mind and no, I had to get over that,
like that's not we can't do that to people.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
I was like, Yo, this nigga guy some nerve. You
showed him how to do a resume, got him a job,
and he had the nerve to move the way he
was moving.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Was Na, that's what they do. That's what they do.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Fortunately, that's why I'm just like see and like, God,
try to finesse me now and like it never lasts
because they get because I tell I'm pretty blunt, and God,
try to finesse me.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
I was like, honey, I made I wrote the book
on finessing try again.
Speaker 3 (30:55):
They're like, oh, so you want of those. Yes, I'm
one of those. Keep it moving, brother. They'd be like, oh, okay,
go find your next victim somewhere else. I had a
whole relationship stop exactly.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
I'm just curious because your mom was married. I think
you said like five times.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
No, she was married. I think nine times. I think
two of them were the same person. So yeah, about
like nine times times.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
So what do you think that their mom taught you
about men?
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Well, it depends on like what era.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
So when I was first, because it's like the first
ten years and next ten years, the next ten years.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
So I'm thirty. I think initially I think she taught
us that they were disposable.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
Yo, I was thinking that.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yeah, So like from an early age, I always thought
men were so disposable, Like I thought that they just
came in cause issues, got you pregnant, and then left
Like that's how like I thought. That's what I thought
me indeed, And so from when I was like, you know,
little to like maybe sixteen, I always thought they were disposable.
And so that also like made it hard for me
to make connections with me and and stuff like that.
(31:59):
Becausemes like, I mean, you can go, like at the end,
like the most minor inconvenience, you can go because I
know you can go. And so it wasn't even like, oh,
let's talk about this, let's try to work this out.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
It was like, you can go. And so that's what
I learned.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Unfortunately from her, I'd like to have a better answer
for you other than that, but I feel like that
was that's what I learned from her, as that man
are disposable.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
So let's talk about your breaking point with therapy. When
I was reading in that chapter, I was like, yo,
I so feel her on this. What was the breaking
point for you to attend therapy because I feel like
it was a struggle for you to even go.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Oh for sure.
Speaker 3 (32:37):
So I've had like mental breaks throughout my life a
lot of time, like through my life or whatever, and
I never knew what they were because we didn't really.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Talk about mental illness when we were like little.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
So like when I used to have them and I
would be clipping out and freaking out, I would never
know what they were and never even cared to research
it because I don't talk about it. And so the
breaking point for me was when I was working a
job that I hated. I just I just not just
just graduated, but I was married. We have been there
for a couple of years. I had left a job
(33:07):
that was very abusive and like racist. I was the
only black girl in a white store. I was a manager.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
I was young. They were mad about it.
Speaker 3 (33:15):
So I was educated and young, and they couldn't take it,
of course, and so I had to leave that situation
because it was making me go very, very crazy.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
I was unemployed for a very long time. Finally got another.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Job that ended up being a lot worse, more diverse,
but feel worse, and I started having really really bad
mental breaks like anxiety, deep depression, like anger, and just
like I was at the bottom of the barrel mentally,
like I didn't think highly of myself, I didn't think
highly of others. I hated myself and I hated other
(33:46):
people people. Yeah, I don't want people talking to me.
I don't think saying shit to me. Let me sit
on my anger and hatred for everything. And so the
breaking point for me, I think was when I went
to jail. That was I think that was like that
was like the top breaking point. I was just like,
you are in a master's program, you like are smart like
you are not, Like, no, you're you're not a bum bitch.
(34:08):
Why why are you sitting here right now? And I
started laughing at myself in the fucking jail cell because
I was like, it's real stupid. You look so dumb right.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
Now, but you're laughing at yourself.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
No, I was like laugh frying because I look so
dumb because I allowed somebody to get me to that
point of like almost no, like that could have went
so bad, Like I'm whatever you believe in with this god,
like whatever, the entity the universe whatever, like was really
looking out for me because that could have went so bad,
Like I was protected that that day because it could
(34:41):
have been really really bad. Way I could have been
in prison, I could have lost everything, and so like
I knew that, and I was like, you know what,
never again when I put my hands with somebody, Never
again while I even get to the point where I'm
just that angry where I black out, That will never
happen again, And I will drive my hardest. They do,
they do, but exactly. And I was like, so I
(35:05):
kept my promise. I've not touched anybody. I've not been
to jail, not been arrested, no police call it on me. Uh,
since that day happened. And I'm like, I know, I'm
very proud of that because like I definitely didn't give
a fuck.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
I was like, oh, jail, put me in prison.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
I don't care, Like I was that person like put
me in okays.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
You basically basically, so, how has.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
A tenant therapy you are now?
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Mm? I think that. I think therapy has definitely saved
my life.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Like, honestly, I'm actually looking for therapists now again with
my insurance company and so.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Finally I'm getting back in when I should have been
guy back in.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
But the five year stint that I did with like
therapy prior to this, it's definitely made me a lot
more self aware because like I have a personality disorder,
and so I'm not aware of certain things how they
make people feel, and so I'm the more where are
people's feelings?
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Aware of my old feelings?
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Boundaries have been set now, Like boundaries is like my
number one.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
For every single year.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Yeah, it's like boundaries and like your your breaking point
of like when you do get to the blackout phase
when you're pulling our knives and guns. How do how
do you take a step back three steps before we
get to that break your points?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I like, now I'm I'm the queen of getting my
person walking out.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
Like I've walked out of bus meetings, I worked out
of work, walked out of work meetings, I walked out
of friend friend conversations.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Coming back.
Speaker 3 (36:32):
Nope, she's not coming back because because when I said
I'm done, I'm done.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
So I am the queen of boundaries. I don't play
that ship. My piece is so much more than what
it was before. Like, I'm not losing my ship over
something that I can control. So I will leave. I
will leave.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
Yeah, I've definitely left before.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah. So one thing about this book and that you
constantly kept talking just putting emphasis on it, and I
was just like wow, like because like you, Like I
was like so fucking angry these past couple of months,
and I just thought it was so beautiful how you
told your story and how you shared it. Did you
ever think that by using your anger that you would
(37:11):
get the result that you have now with a book?
Speaker 2 (37:15):
No, definitely not, definitely not.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Because you you can read the pain, like I think
that's why I just relate to it. So much because
like you, like I just know when it feels like
when nothing is sticking to the damn wall, like you
just so frustrated. So when you were just telling your story,
and like most black people, especially black women, like we
just grow up and like traumatize in household. So it's
just like I just thought it was just so amazing
that you shared your story with us, and like for
(37:40):
it to be a book and it's a good book
that we need to get to New York Times bestseller.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Hey, that would be awesome. Yeah, I never thought it
was possible. Honestly, I think one thing.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
So I always asked myself, what makes you different from
somebody else that you grew up with, because a lot
of people that I grew up with did not have
not made it. They have basically succumbed to the trauma
and now they're doing it to their children, or they
are sitting in it with the bullshit ass man, or
they are you know, not living to their fullest potential.
And I always ask myself, what makes you different from
the other people that have not made it?
Speaker 2 (38:15):
And I always say that I have, Well.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
I'm very diligent. I don't take no for an answer.
Also I'm very like to use I like to use
people's negativity. I like to use it to like push
myself to go further and do more and do better
than them.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Then I also, like I always.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I always kept hope that there are something larger for me,
There are something bigger for me that we couldn't that
we none of us could imagine. Like I always would
tell myself every year, like, there's something waiting for you
on the other side that you can't even fucking imagine.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
You have to keep going. And I would tell myself
that every year. I don't know where that.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Came from, but I felt it in my heart and
my soul that something was meant for me that was
bigger than what the fuck I was living in, what
I was looking at, what people were telling me. And
I still believe that now, like I believe that one
day I'm going to be a mobile.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Like that's it.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
I don't know how it's gonna happen and what's gonna happen,
For sure it's gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
So how have.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Been so transparent help you with your healing? Because I
can only imagine what you reading in this writing this book,
sharing these stories, having these conversations like it kind of
bring up some type of feelings, does it.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Yeah, I mean they always bring up traumas.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
I think that when you talk about it more is easier.
But there are certain topics I'm so like, M, well,
this is still very much, very much so painful to
either talk about or to you know, remember. And the
memoir was in itself very painful to write because I
had to like bring up stuff that I had buried
for ten years, five years, fifteen years, and to bring
(39:48):
them to the head and actually write about them and
even edit them was very very painful. Like I would
have to take lots of breaks.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
I would cry a lot.
Speaker 3 (39:57):
I would yeah, naps and crying is how I wrote
that book like in between because it was just too
much to recall from of those things. And so I
haven't really read the book recently, but I did. There's
one essay that I read about I think the time
when I was like at the beach and I was
just like about to admit myself said to the psyche
war and I read that one. I hadn't read it
in like a year, and so of course that's the
(40:19):
fucking one I picked to read at this book signing
and the tray and I started busting out crying and
people was an audience crying, and I was just.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Like, dangn no, but that's real shit, man, I'm telling you.
Like when I was reading your book, I was just like, yo, Like,
there's so many stories that I can relate to, like
with this childhood trauma, with my mom being with so
many different men, but my daddy ain't being shit, my
abortion story, like being in relationship for so long, Like
it was like, Oh, I was just like, Nah, this
(40:46):
shit is so fucking fire man.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
Last, and not least, what is some advice you would
give to our listeners on embracing their story and loving
themselves more throughout it all?
Speaker 3 (40:58):
I think that I mean, and going back to like
what I told myself to get to where I am now,
is that you know, on the other side of fear
is greatness. Like you have to really look at you,
you have to really sit alone, and you have to
ask yourself, what am I like most afraid of?
Speaker 2 (41:17):
Am I afraid of failing? Am I afraid of success? Like?
Speaker 3 (41:20):
Am I afraid of sitting us this resume out or
starting this podcast or trying to start this career, Like
what are you most afraid of in life? And I
want you to dive all the way into it, like
I want you to like for real, for real, like
passionately dive into it. And like, I know a lot
of times people have the resources that we need. But
at the same time, it's like we can create our
(41:41):
own resources. A lot of things can be done with
just bothering with research, you know what I'm saying, Like
with clearest rack items, with borrowing things for other people.
Like we can do things, and the best things that
we do are these creative things that we do that
are stimming from our traumas and our pain and stuff
like that. So I just feel like there's no reason
(42:02):
for us not to do what we want to do,
Like there's not a reason.
Speaker 2 (42:05):
Like the human.
Speaker 3 (42:06):
Body is like it's I call it our temporary vessels.
Mean these bodies that we have are loaners. This is
not our bodies. And so if it's a loaner and
you knew how much time you had, what would you do,
Like would you go and do the thing that you
really want to do? So then what's stopping you? And
I'm not saying I'm not saying it's easy to do it.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
But you have to see you have to try, like
you owd to yourself, you odd to the vessel that
you have that's borrowed to at least try.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
And the second thing I would say is to never
listen to other people.
Speaker 3 (42:40):
Fact because like people will really try to like just
like derail you and like I muscle.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
So I believe that there is there are people put
in your life to boost you.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
There are people put in your life just to stop
you from doing something. And you'll notice that when you're
close to a breakthrough, that's when I start coming heavy.
You cannot allow them, you cannot allow their negativity, their insecurities.
And I'm talking about close family friends, baby daddy, h
your husband, baby mom said, everybody, everybody. You cannot allow
(43:13):
them to tell you what you can and cannot do,
because you will lose a lot of time by listening
to people who don't know what the fuck is going on,
don't know what's going on in their life or their
kids life. Try to tell you what you should do.
So you want to do it, then go do it
and shut out the naysayers.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
Yo, So I am like, I know y'all go. This
bitch is really excited. But I've been trying to get
in contact and have this, I guess on this episode
for like the past two months, so like, and my
birthday is February eighth, so we recorded this episode on
the third. So this is like the best birthday present
ever because I'm telling you, your story has really just
(43:50):
inspired me because I want to eventually write my own book,
and like, you're just such an inspiration. So as a
birthday gift to one of my listeners, whoever emails me for,
I'm going to send you a book of hers. I
put a little no inside of it, but like, I
don't really want to try to go out and get
her book because her, I mean, she is just so amazing, y'all,
and to hear her journey now and to see where
(44:11):
she's at, and if you want to connect with her,
I definitely share with her her Instagram information. But whatever
emailed me first, I'm definitely going to send you our
book because I just like, this has been one of
my favorite books this last year, like love, love, love,
So thank you so much for inspiring me. If y'all
have any questions, comments, or concerns, please email me at
hello at thae pagpodcast dot com and until next time, guys.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
Later by.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, app a podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and break the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PHG podcast
Host
Eboné Almon
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!