May 13, 2025 • 50 mins
This episode contains discussions of suicide, suicidal ideation, and mental health struggles that may be difficult or triggering for some listeners. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or in crisis, remember that help is available. Reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or the new three-digit number 988 for confidential and immediate support from a trained counselor. Don't hesitate to seek help – you are not alone.
For this PHG Rewind episode, Eboné revisits a powerful conversation with a two-time suicide survivor who opens up about her mental health journey. She shares how a shocking family secret, a bipolar disorder diagnosis, and the stigma around medication shaped her experiences. Together, they explore the mental health crisis in the Black community, the impact of the pandemic, and her decision not to have children.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion is a vice. Hey,
professional homegirls, it's shagirl ebine here, and I hope all's cute.
(00:20):
Now we are back with a phg rewind episode, and
this time we're revisiting one of my favorite conversations from
season one. Now, in this episode, my guest opens up
about her journey with mental health, including surviving two suicide attempts. Now,
it made this episode so special to me. It wasn't
just her transparency and just being vulnerable, but it was
(00:43):
also just how educational and necessary this conversation was it
still is to this day.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
I also thought it was kind of funny because, like,
you know, as we on this break and we're gearing
up for season three, I'm always like listening to old
conversations to like, you know, just to see what I
could have done better I'm selling myself or things of
that nature. And when I was listening to this conversation
and she was saying how like she was homicidal, and
I was like, girl, like what does that mean? So
she was like, what you mean? What that mean? Like
exactly what it said? And I wanted to be like, well, bait,
(01:12):
should you catch your body or something like what's the tea?
So I was just like, yeah, this is a good conversation,
especially since we are in the month of Mental health Awareness.
I really do hope that you all, if you were
someone you love has ever struggled with mental health and
you struggling with it to this day, I hope this
episode reminds you that healing is possible, okay, and that
(01:34):
you are not alone. And like the great Jerry Springer
once said, please take care of yourself and take care
of each other. So get ready, because I survived suicide twice.
Starts now listen, y'all. My guess she's a superhero, she said,
her staving the world one person at a time. So
I'm super excited to have you on the shelve. So
(01:55):
thank you so much for joining us. Of course, So
I imagine that sharing your personal story can be difficult.
How challenging has it been for you to open up
about your experiences and share them with others?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
To be very truthful it honestly, okay, I'm happy that
you asked this question. This is an initial question. I
had an experience yesterday where I was preparing for a
speech and doing a lot of practicing and writing and
timing all those things that go into it. And I
got emotional. And that's the first time that that's happened
(02:29):
in an extremely long time. Wow. And it was really
more so because I was thinking about all those individuals
that are currently in the position that I was in, say,
eight to nine years ago. So the story isn't difficult
to tell now. I had to get to a space
in my healing journey where it was comfortable and I
(02:51):
was okay with being this transparent. But the times that
it gets emotional isn't necessarily for myself, but just kind
of empathizing with individuals that are going through those challenges
at that time.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, that has to be like difficult and really hard.
I can only imagine just hearing somebody else story and
I just be like, damn, Like I just wish I
could just take it all away from you.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
What do you believe are some of the factors that
contribute to higher rates of suicide within our community?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Oh? Man, what doesn't right?
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Yeah, when I was thinking about this question, I was like,
I feel like just being black in America is like
you break us, right.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
It's definitely a lot. I mean, the first being environmental honestly,
so the areas that and I don't want to say
this is if our entire community lives in this manner,
but being realistic, is that financial hardship, not growing up
(03:56):
in full family homes, just a lot of different things violence,
you know, I mean there's a lot of different things
that are going on that affect us. And then seeing
violence on TV against our community, on social media, on
social media against our community every day is very much,
so impactful. But bigger than that lack of resources, lack
of education and lack of understanding and research for our
(04:19):
actual community and how ye lack of support, but how
those outside forces are affecting those numbers. So there's a
lack of research is why we can't even answer this question.
We know, but people aren't able to help us because
they're not necessarily putting us in those numbers of what
is making us more vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Yeah, that's a good point. When I was doing research
on this, somebody said that lack of representation within this
and I was like, Yo, that's so serious because in
our community is so like taboo.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yes, very much.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Why do you think some people believe that? Asking someone
about their suicidal thoughts or intention could actually lead to
them considering or attempting suicide, rather than providing the opportunity
for support and intervention.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I think it's based on fear on the other person's side,
so not knowing how to react if that person were
to say yes. So going back to stigma again, it's
just like if we don't have understanding of how to
support somebody, if that answer order come back, it's easier
for us to say, you know what, I'm not going
to ask it at all. Right, So it's very easy
(05:29):
to simply not ask it again, and then to take
on the idea, and that to take on the false
idea that you're actually implanting that idea into somebody's head
or putting that thought into somebody's head when it's the
exact opposite. Just like you said, what.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Would you say are some common misconceptions about this?
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Oh? Man? That it's selfish? I would say that's the
biggest one. Another misconception is that it is is only
young people do it, yeah, and only others do it,
that black people don't. Right, There are a lot, but
I would definitely say the biggest one I hear is
(06:14):
it's selfish, and I did it other science.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
How do you feel about that when people say that
it's selfish? Because I had a conversation with another guest
and her father committed suicide, and then she gave a
two part question on how she felt about it before
and now being able to you know, since she experienced
it afterwards. So how do you feel about it when
people say it's a selfish decision?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
I can understand it. And I know a lot of
people talk out of grief and out of pain, and
everybody experiences things differently. And that's honestly not even just
with suicide. Anytime that we lose something, lose somebody, it's
always a space of Okay, well that was selfish in
a way of how just happened. They took this from me,
something was taken for me, right, So I don't take
(06:59):
offense to what It's just an opportunity to educate and
to have that conversation and to move past it. So
I don't necessarily like get angry about it. It's just like, Okay,
well that's perfectly fine that she feel that way, but
let's talk about it. How can we help shape and
change the narrative?
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I feel like you a real patient person.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I am.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I can say a lot like for somebody to piss
you off, they gotta be od and on you.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Yeah, like you probably be like, no, this is how
it's happen. It does not happen like this.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Like there is another side, So you know, it does
take a lot for that to come out. It's funny.
I was in therapy years ago when I first started
in my early twenties, and I used to have a
lot of anger issues and challenges. And I was telling
my therapist like a dream I had about fighting somebody, you.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Probably sucked them up in a dream I did.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
And she was like, I didn't know that this was
something that we needed to work on. She's like, you
just I never got that for me. I'm like, yeah,
I can get there. Oh it's a lot better, but
that is definitely a side.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Let me find that you got them hand chew. So
what were your initial thoughts when news of the pandemic
first emerged and it became clear that the outbreak had
the potential to become a global health crisis.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I think that my initial reaction one was how scary
it was going to be for just the world, our
community and what was ahead, which was essentially having to
take a step back and look at ourselves. I recognized
the I'm not going to say danger, but the challenge
(08:49):
of sitting with ourselves in silence, which is really essentially
what everybody was forced to do. So everybody was forced
on this sealing journey instead of you know, filling ourselves.
It's only so much netl you can watch. It's only
so much Hulu that you can watch until you get
exactly until you're just like, I'm stuck with myself and
all these things start to surface. So I was nervous
(09:10):
about that. But on a personal note, in my initial
healing journey that started a while back, that was tough
for me being with Page and it was like, oh,
I have to face all of these things. So it
was just it was I found it to be interesting,
and I was scared. I was sad, and then just
the uncertainty of it all was definitely anxiety provoking, so
(09:34):
a range of emotions, but nothing about it was like, oh,
this is exciting, Like right, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
My next question. How did the pandemic affect your mental health?
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It was quite the opposite for me, Like I like
being to myself, but it forced me to develop skills
that I did not have prior to and I'm seeking
Like in my career, I loved doing speaking engagements, I
loved doing workshops that I enjoy being in person, so
(10:09):
being forced to do it on zoom was totally different.
So I had to step up my personality via camera
and I'm like, I'm camera shy. So that was really
really hard career wise. But as far as like mentally,
I had already been in therapy, I had already built
out a pretty strong support system, so it just strengthened.
(10:30):
If anything else, it was like, Okay, I know how
to handle isolation, I know how to reach out for
resources and things like that. So I'm not going to
say it didn't impact me, but it wasn't detrimental whatsoever.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
When did you become aware of the increases in suicide
race during the pandemic and what were your thoughts on it.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I mean, I think that it just I'm gonna say
it just happened, But the need for crisis intervention increase,
the need for workshops increase, so just the need for
mental health services increase, So that was probably my initial instinct.
But again recognizing what was ahead was definitely like a
(11:17):
red flag like, hey, something's about to kind of surface,
for sure, because I.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Definitely feel like the race went up even more during
the pandemic.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yes, yes, I don't know the exact number, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
And do you think that mental health and suicide race
were discussed enough in the media during a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I'm not really a TV girl, so to prop will say, yeah,
I don't. I don't know. I think it was a
I'll talk like as far as youth, I think it
brought about a conversation of what's better for our kids
to stay home or to go back to school, Like
what's going to be better for them emotionally, socially and
(11:58):
things like that. So I people believed that a lot
of conversations were brought to light that I appreciated, such
as sending kids home without knowing what their home life
was like and putting them back in situations where school
essentially was their safe have event. So, as far as
my understanding of it, it was a little bit different
(12:20):
because I worked in the school system. So again, when
you ask that original question of what were my initial
thoughts and the pandemic first happened, it definitely went out
to like my babies, like the kids that I was
working with.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
Yeah, I definitely feel like I mean, everyone was affected
by the pandemic, but I feel like the kids were
affected the most.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Hm for sure. For sure, Yeah, I absolutely agree mm hm.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And do you think that the long term effects of
the pandemic might still be affecting everyone's mental health? And
if so, what can we do about it?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I definitely going to be a long term effect. I
think that us being isolated and being forced to be
with ourselves was necessary because it kind of brought mental
health to the frontline. It was a buzzing topic and
it was a buzzing conversation. But once it hit I
(13:16):
think everybody finally recognized, Hey, we all have mental health.
There's a difference between mental health and mental illness, and
I think that's an important thing to talk about and
to bring about. So yeah, what was your second part
for the question.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
So what do you think we can do about it?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I think we can essentially practice being proactive with our
mental health, so implementing different coping skills such as meditation, journaling,
those basic things that we can apply in our everyday lifestyle.
Learning those breathing exercises, being proactive with our mental health,
which is my hole motto, is essentially preparing for what
(13:57):
could come and having those skills if they do get worse.
So I think everybody flocking to therapy, everybody flocking to resources,
was very powerful because now we're equipping ourselves for what
could be long term. So I'm I'm a realist, So
I'm not going to be like, oh, it was such
a great thing, but I do believe that there were
(14:18):
a lot of positives that came out of it. It became
very action oriented instead of just the conversation.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Now, were you familiar with the concept of suicide before
your first attempt? And then so, how did you know
about it?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I was not. I had no idea. I had no
idea about suicide. I had no idea about anxiety, depression,
suicidal ideations. I had no I was twelve, rightie. And
so it was a time in our community. Gosh, I
(14:52):
was what two thousand and two, Oh wow, yeah, two
thousand and two.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Damn, that was twenty years ago, right, yes, wow?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
So yeah, and that was at a time where we
didn't talk about mental health at all. We didn't talk
about health until not too long ago, recently, right, recently.
So without having that conversation, without having those resources, you
don't really have the language. And that's what's really important.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
We're in the same age group. So just when I
was growing up, like nobody talked about it, and now
you can't. You can't stop hearing it, like it's everywhere,
which is a great thing because it gives people a
space to be able to express how they feel. But
I'm just like, wow, like we just started doing this.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Yeah, but you know, I think it's interesting that you
said that because a lot of peopeople are like well,
and the numbers are rising, but a lot of it
has to do with proper reporting. So if somebody passes
by suicide, and again, like going back to language, that's
another thing that we like to say, is passed by suicide,
(16:15):
die by suicide. It just because when we say commit,
it often brings the idea of a negative connotation, Right,
So when you hear somebody say commit a crime, or
commit murder or do this this or that, it brings
again this negative idea of somebody that was simply just
in pain. Yeah. So that's something that I learned just
(16:38):
a few years ago, and it's consistently changing, but currently
that's the language that we use when talking about suicide.
But when it comes to proper reporting, a lot of
things go into that. If somebody passes by suicide, that
brings up challenges with life insurance, right, it brings up
challenges with with stigma because do life is shure. I
(17:00):
don't want to say yeah or nay. I don't want
to be incorrect and provide false information. I just know
that it's probably not the easiest thing to get situated. Right. Yeah,
I don't want to provide wrong information on that, so
I'll just throw that out there. But it does bring
up a lot of challenges following. And then a lot
of families don't want to say, like, hey, my family
(17:21):
member passed by suicide, so they don't report it as such,
So it could be reported as an overdo So can
we reported as so many other things instead of actually
what it is? So I think that we're having this
conversation now. Yeah, we're having the conversation now to where
people are comfortable enough to say, no, this is what happened,
this is our situation, and so forth. So reporting has
(17:44):
a lot to do with it.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
What was your upbringing like, it was great.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
Both of my parents are.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I know your mom was a doctor.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Yeah, my mom's an attorney. My dad was an entrepreneur.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
She was a doctor.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
No, no, no, no, no, she's an attorney. And it was
it was beautiful, went to you a great school, had
a great upbringing. But I started having sexual abuse when
I was twelve, I believe until I was eighteen. Oh yeah,
So you know, there are a lot of things that
(18:22):
go beyond what something looks like. I did an interview
a while ago, and the introduction of me was interesting.
She's like, yeah, she was the first one I knew
that drove a bins and she had all this, this
and that, and I had to take a step back
and I'm like, hey, like, one, I don't like to
be introduced as such, and two, there isn't a face
(18:45):
to mental illness. There isn't a face to suicide. There
isn't a face to mental health challenges whatsoever. So I
think I got looked over a lot because of what
I had or what my upbringing was like. And then
I also felt validated in my feelings because I did
have such an awesome upbringing. So outside of that particular trauma.
(19:08):
I was just a child that was struggling emotionally all
the way around.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
And nobody knew what was going on with you.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
No, no, you know, we know how to hide stuff, right.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
You know What's so funny when I was doing research
right on your particular story, and I was like, damn,
Like she comes from a good family, like you have
a really good upbringing. So I was one of those
people that was like, I wonder what made her like
have that first attempt, And I was like, it had
to be something. And it never dawned on me that
it was sexual abuse, because I'm like, what else could
it be?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yeah, that's actually a piece of my story that has
always been a missing link because I wasn't in the
space and you asked me the question earlier, is it
hard to tell my story? I'm now just in the
space of that piece of my story being okay to
tell because it's mine to tell. And when it comes
to that topic, it gets so icky, and it gets
(20:03):
so just nasty. People are nasty, The price is nasty.
You still have family members, like it's just not just
one individual that's involved. So now I'm in a current
space of healing. I'm in a good place of plugging
that in. But it wasn't until I did an interview
(20:23):
with people digital, maybe like a year or so ago,
and they kept harping on it and pushing it and pushing. Okay,
what made you have your first attempt?
Speaker 1 (20:31):
And I'm like, because that was my next question, what
lay up to your first attempt?
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Because I couldn't figure it out.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Yeah, I was like, I don't want to talk about like,
and I didn't recognize that it was such a missing
link because I gotten so used to giving this speech
and this story of what I felt safe doing, and
I stand by that, like, I'm happy I didn't share
at that point in time in my life, which is
very important. Was Yeah, So understanding what you're comfort with
(21:00):
and what you're able to actually talk about if you
are in a place of advocacy, it's key because you
can't help anybody if you're still hurting.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Wow, you got my brain like going now because now
it makes sense because one of the things I read
in that article was how you always felt a sense
of sadness. But I can see why.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yeah, for the sure, and.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
From twelve to eighteen that's a long time.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Wow, So I mean when you're ready to tell. Do
your family know who did it?
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Or yes, yes, they're aware.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
And I'm assuming as someone in the family.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Yeah it was a family member, it was a cousin.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Oh what'sn't okay? But I'm still in a healing space
when it comes to that, Like I'm not totally like, yeah,
let's go into detail, right, Yeah, but it is a
topic that I am moving and like just moving through. Yeah, navigating,
(22:10):
perfect word, Yeah, still navigating. Right.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
So how did you know to take a lot of
pills doing your first attempt? If you did, if you
wasn't familiar with suicide.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
You know, honestly, I can't even tell you that that's
such a great question. Never even been asked that before.
And it was such a dark time and such a
blocked out time for me that that was just instinct.
So maybe, yeah, it was instinct for me. I was
in the I mean, I was in the bathroom and
(22:43):
I just saw medication. I decided to take it. So
I don't know if that's such a good question. I
never even thought about why or how I need to
do so interesting.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
When I tell you I was researching you because.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I'm like, you better than people.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Okay, oh come on now, don't play with the fressonal homegirl.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
We're gonna get to that. I love it. I love it, but.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
I'm just thinking of a twelve year old psyche, like
you never knew anything about it. You're twelve years old,
So it's like, what made you do that? Because I
interview another guest and she was saying how what made
her decide to do try to do suicide was she
saw it on cartoon and I was like what, I'm like,
I wonder how you found out.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, you know again, I didn't necessarily have the language
to say, hey, this is what's happening. I do for
a fact that I didn't want to live anymore. And
that's something you don't have to research. That's something you
don't have to look up. I just knew that I
wanted it to stop. So as a child, the only
connection I can make is that you take one peel
(23:45):
and makes your head stop, if you take multiple and
make everything stop. So that's the only type of connection
that I can make. But as far as like getting
on Google and doing all of that, I don't.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Know, right, But we didn't have Google back then, did we?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I don't know, girl a long time. I know there's
this post that's like, you don't believe me or my
kids or whoever doesn't believe me when I say I'm
older than Google, because Google really isn't that old. And
I'm right.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I think I think YouTube is like what fifteen?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
If that? Though? It's so wild, I know.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
So when you woke up the next day, how did
you feel sad?
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Yeah? I felt very sad, and I felt this burden
of I now have this bigger secret than what I
had before, which is I have depression and again not
knowing the language at the time, I'm using it properly now.
So I called it like a secret. So now that
(24:54):
I not only have the secret of not wanting to
be happier, not feeling happy and having these feelings of anxiety,
but I also tried to take my own life. These
are all secrets that I was a twelve year old
girl having. So it was more so of sadness that
it didn't work and that it was a space of burden. Yeah,
(25:20):
I felt very burdened.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Were you angry?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Oh yeah, very much.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
So What are some signs of symptoms that should that
parents or caregivers or educators should be aware of that
may indicate a childice experience suicidal thoughts or behaviors.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah, I would say isolation would be number one. So
you know, it's completely fine wanting to have the time.
I think we all need you time. I was just
selling my doctor the other day, actually Monday, I had
an appointment. Oh, today's Wednesday, So Tuesday, yesterday, I had today,
feel like Thursday, right Friday. It feels like someday. That's
(26:02):
not today, all right. But yeah, So she was just asking, essentially,
like how I was feeling. I was like, I'm not isolating,
but I'm chilling, like i want to be by myself
a little bit because I'm working so much. She's like,
that's fair. So I would definitely point out isolation. I
isolated a lot at that time in my life. Lack
(26:23):
of sleep or sleeping too much, anything that's disturbing, an appetite,
so lack of appetite, anxious feelings, crying spells. A lot
of things that we write off is in oh, they're
just being a presen or they're just being a teenager.
Definitely deserved to be looked into a little bit more
(26:44):
and it's really just by asking those questions like, hey,
what was good in your day? What was bad in
your day? Right? Not just asking how was your day,
because a kid and even adults will say I'm fine
or today was fine. Yes, somebody how they're doing, like
I'm good instead of saying, honey, how are you feeling?
That's actually forcing them to identify something that's going on
(27:05):
on the inside, which is really important. So isolation, lack
of sleep, change and appetite, change in mood, crying spouse.
I would point those out.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Now, ten years later, you made a second attempt at
the age of twenty two. Can you share some of
those events of factors that led up to this time.
One thing I will say, when you were talking about
college and not having no money and being stressed out,
I was like, man, I definitely feel home that because
I had a great time in college, but it was hard,
(27:36):
especially when you didn't have no money.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Yeah, college was not I didn't enjoy school even as
a kid. Really no, I didn't. I mean, and when
I got to college, it wasn't the school part I enjoyed.
I loved to party, and you know that was like
a piece of college. And once I got serious about
my academics and I got stable. Then it changed for me.
(27:59):
But to answer your question, I was extremely sleep deprived.
I was experiencing a lot of symptoms of bipolar disorder,
which I didn't know at the time, but without sleep,
with heavy drinking, heavy smoking, just a lot going on,
(28:20):
a lot of Yeah, I was twenty four to seven.
It wasn't even about you probably wouldn't even know I
was under the Inflo's high maybe, but everything else was
trybably like oh, she's just chilling, And it was really
just me attempting to maintain some form of stability, some
type of like hoping I don't have a mood thing
within the next thirty minutes type thing, and I just
(28:42):
got I was just exhausted, like I really was. I
was just exhausted. So I was probably on like two
to three days of not sleeping, and I just remember
being at school and again choosing the rout of medication,
and I was like, I just I can't, I can't
do this. I can't do this. And then I had
(29:05):
been I had been living with suicide ideation since I
was a kid, so it wasn't just something that popped
back up. I had been not wanting to live for
a very long time. But I was hospitalized and so forth.
But I'm sure we'll get there.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Yeah. Wait, so that any of your friends noticed it,
anything that was going on to in college.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Or I talked to a girlfriend of mine from high
school and I was just sharing with her that I
needed help. And I didn't necessarily know what it would
look like, but I think that individuals around me recognized
that one. I weighed maybe like one hundred and ten pounds,
(29:50):
possibly like heaviest, so I was very tiny. I was
very irritable. I just was not in a good headspace,
and my anger it was just like through the roof.
So it wasn't like, oh, she's in a badmit at
this moment in time. It was really more so like, nah,
she's like in a rage almost, and she's not sleeping,
(30:13):
she's heavily under the influence. And so she actually found
a place for me to go to, I guess and
patients stay or something like that. I didn't go, but
that was the conversation I recall, but many things, I honestly,
my memory is very vague, right, Yeah, a lot of
it is still quite foggy, Like I can pull bits
(30:34):
and pieces. The more I do therapy and the more
I talk about it, the more vivid things become. But
some things are just missing in action.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
We're not underssentable because sometimes our brain blocks out trauma
to protect us.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
So exactly exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
So when you woke up in the hospital, did you
knew where you was at?
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Like?
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Did you know what happened?
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Yeah? I mean I was taken to the hospital, and
I definitely it was not under a happy space, to
say the very least, because I was not just suicidal.
I was homicidal as well. And a lot of people
don't know that about my story. So you get a little.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Gemer, now give us the tea.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Now, come on, now, I was homicidal as well, and
homicidal is what it says, which is homicide killing. I
was just very aggressive, and yeah, I don't really know
what else to have You tried to hurt somebody before? No,
(31:37):
absolutely not. I mean I didn't act on it, but
those were when you have ideation, it's just simply what
it is. It's an idea. So no, I didn't talk anybody.
That wasn't the case. But that's definitely marked in my chart.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
The way you're laughing right now, Yeah, somebody would have
tried you. So when your family found out about the
attempts and your mental health challenges, where were their reaction?
Speaker 2 (32:07):
It was very I think they were scared more than anything.
I think they were just fearful of not knowing what
to do and not necessarily having the resources to help me.
So it was a family effort. I was hospitalized at
(32:28):
a public hospital at first, and then I was transferred
to a private hospital. But even just getting into a
private hospital took about two to three days. And private
hospitals are very expensive. If you don't have insurance, it's
almost impossible. But even with insurance, it is just not.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
A lot of money takes.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Yeah, and then public hospitals almost feel like prison. And
I've been to jail, so it does feel like, no,
we gotta come on.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Now, what you go to jail for?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
What you go to jail for, duy, Not for my thoughts,
not for my ideations, but for my.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
D u I nine don't play with my so y'all,
I know who I'm gonna call if I need some help,
because I'm like, what how you just gonna slide that
in there? You having to jail?
Speaker 2 (33:41):
Well, I thought she knew no, But.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
When I tell you, when I was researching you, I'm like,
where are the missing pieces?
Speaker 2 (33:48):
Like it was given?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Like it was given very like what's the word like surface?
Like I feel like, obviously the main goal is to
educate people and to help those who are really in need.
But when you know, like, I love to get to
know people. So I'm trying to read more about you,
and I'm like, come on, now, something to adding up here.
(34:13):
But I was like, I'm gonna get to the bottom
of it.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
So I was twenty five, but we'll follow the timeline
and then you can thire it back in when you want.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, is there a history of
mental health issues within your family?
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Yes, I think that's anybody. A lot of it's gone
on else and then my family has had a lot
of addiction as well, so yeah, but I mean that's
nothing but a mental health challenge as well, right, So
a lot of it was there. I actually found out
(34:54):
a cousin of mine had bipular disorder prior to me
finding out. I found out a year before I did that.
I knew I had it.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
But when she said it, I'm like, that sound like me.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And I was diagnosed literally like a year later.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
And how did you feel when you finally got the
news because you always felt like something was different.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Hey, this makes sense, Like, I appreciate it. I see
why I'm in debt. I see why my spence it's
been outrageous. I see why all these things were happening
to me and happening around me. And I was doing
to myself just not taking care of myself or valuing
my life. It's all made sense. So I was relieved.
(35:36):
I'm gonna say I was excited, but I had diagnosed
myself anyway, Like on and don't do this, whoever's listening,
don't get on the internet and take those quizzes. But
when I was diagnosed, I was like, I knew it.
I found out two weeks ago. I was on Google
and this told me this is what I had. But
I did get an official diagnosis when I was hospitalized.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Do you think family should have conversations with their children
or just within the family, talking about mental health issues,
because I feel like a lot of things that we
experienced could have been avoided if you would have told
me what Tom it was a long time ago.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
I mean, I think it'd be beneficial. But I also
think that we have to take the step of mental
health the same way we do physical health and not
just included as mental health means mental illness, because that's
not the truth. So if you were to have conversations
and being proactive about our mental health, I guess not
(36:32):
even I guess, I believe I would have been able
to manage anxiety better. I would have been able to
identify those feelings of depression. I would have been able
to again not just manage, but live with and maneuver
and to navigate, like we said earlier, those different feelings.
So I think just having that conversation of mental health
(36:55):
like brain health the same ways like eat your veggies, right,
thank you. But if I were to have him, like
I have a niece and I have nephew's and I'm like, hey,
like take a breath, let's do a breathing exercise, let's
go in today, like let's identify something. So having those
conversations are extremely important. But as far as disclosing different
(37:17):
mental illness within the family, you know, I if I
were to and I'm not, I don't want to have kids,
and that's definitely something we can also talk about I
could talk to you for days.
Speaker 1 (37:32):
Yeah, it's given, Bessie.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I worked to I would definitely disclose my diagnosis and
definitely disclose that our family has had challenges. I feel
like we talk more so about addiction and black families
than we do mental illness, Like you know, your uncle whatever, whatever, whatever,
And it's like, oh, okay, like he was lit last
time I saw, and that makes sense now. But yeah,
(37:58):
outside of that, I think it's just a conversation we
need to have and we need to learn the skills
behind it. Outside of the conversation.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
As well, Why you don't want to have kids. I'm
just curious because I have an idea, but why you
don't want to have kids?
Speaker 2 (38:15):
One, I don't want to pass along my diagnosis. Somebody say, well,
it seems like it'd be easier if they did have it,
because they'd have you to lean on, And I'm like, Okay,
first of all, that's not really how it works. Give
one of the best support systems. But I don't think
I would be able to deal with I don't want
(38:39):
to call it guilt, but I don't. I'm unsure the
feelings come up if I came across my child having
the same diagnosis as myself because it is genetic. That's
a major reason. A second major reason is that I've
been on medication for so long. I don't know how
it would interact, and I don't want to have a
(39:01):
child that would have an interaction or reaction to the
medication that I've been on because we don't. I mean,
I'm pro medication for myself, that's the decision for each individual,
but I'm also aware that it has long lasting effects
and I don't know what could happen if I were
to get pregnant and if I were to bark the child.
(39:22):
I don't want them to come out and have physical
or mental, you know, challenges because of my condition, and
then I can't. I'm choosing not to come off of
medication because that's just a high risk for me. So
being pregnant, going through all of those hormones and having
(39:43):
those different situations, I definitely don't. Uh, it's not something
that I want to put myself over risk. So it's
really to maintain health. Yeah, it's for my own personal health.
I feel like Selena Gomez. Actually I don't know anything
about Selena. I'm not gonna lie, but she lives with
(40:05):
her quarter. I do know that, but I was so
excited and so proud for her making the comment on
I can't have kids because I can't come off of medication,
and a lot of people were offended by that, but
I stood with her. I'm like, girl, I feel the
same way. But a lot of people like, well, I
(40:26):
don't you can you just choose not to And it's like, no, no,
I actually I can't because I can't come off of medication.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
Like that's dangerous, Like that's not an option, right.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Yeah, exactly. So you know it's up for debate. But
as far as me and then I just I got
a niece and two beautiful nekis. I'm cool, Like I'm
good with being the auntie. Like I don't those three
main reasons, and I like it. I like chilling. I
don't really want to wake up.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
And care nothing nagging and crying and.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
Another way, I have to manage myself.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
So if you didn't, if you didn't list all of
those factors, would a baby be an option?
Speaker 2 (41:12):
I used to want to be a mom mm hmm,
and then it just switched to me. Yeah, it's just
switched to me. So I don't think so I don't
know because this is my reality and I don't necessarily
live outside of it, so I can't I can't honestly
(41:32):
answer that I don't know if right. I don't know
what my like without my diagnosis. Therefore I don't know
what my enity right.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Do you feel like more celebrities should come out and
speak openly about their mental health.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
No. I believe that each person teaches own I don't
think that everybody has to have or anybody that's on
a platform has to come out and say, well, me too.
I have this diagnosis and I share it with the world,
like absolutely not. It's a choice that I decided to do.
It's definitely something that was a need for me. When
(42:16):
I was hospitalized, I actually had a dream that I
was standing on a stage with a like a bright
light in front of me, and I woke up. I
was like, that's interesting, and then that was like my reality.
Like I was on a stage, I was speaking and
I was sharing my story. But going through my process
and my journey to recovery, I definitely recognized I wasn't
(42:38):
doing it just for myself, right. God gave me a
much higher purpose and all of it started to make sense.
So I definitely don't shame anybody for not talking about
their mental health. I applauded do so in order to
help other people, but it's not always meant to be,
you know, put in the spotlight. I definite we don't think.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
So right, And we spoke about medication. So what are
your thoughts about the stigma surrounding medication.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
I think that it's rightful. I think people have a
right to their own opinion. I've had my own personal
journey with medication. I have been on, I've been off.
I've had great doctors, I've had terrible doctors. I've been
heavily medicated. I've been on a perfect regiment, which is
what I'm on now. But it's a trial and error thing.
(43:29):
And I understand when people are like, look, I don't
like the way it makes me feel. This isn't for me.
I want to try an alternate route. Totally personal choice.
But for me, I chose to continue the process to
find a proper doctor and to not give up on
just being told what to do. Like, I wanted to
take control over my own life and over my own
(43:50):
healing space, and Medisica definitely helps me. Yeah, it helps
me a lot.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
Yeah, because I feel like some people would just believe
anything not anything is wrong with that, because we should
have some type of trust when it comes to professionals.
Who are, you know, doctors or therapist, where the case
may be. But I think that's great that you were
very proactive in being more involved in your life.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yes, absolutely, you have to. And I think it gave
me the skills to advocate for myself, just not within
a doctor's office, but outside in the world, in my
career space and my relationships and my friendships, learning how
to be a start of learning how to stand up
for yourself and saying, hey, this works, this doesn't work,
and you're going to listen to me. Right. So it
was a life lesson more than anything.
Speaker 1 (44:32):
Right. And are you ever concerned about the possibility of
experiencing another attempt?
Speaker 2 (44:40):
I don't really think about it, you know. I don't. Yeah,
I'm not gonna say I don't. I don't necessarily live
my life in worry. Like I have days where I'm
anxious and things like that, but I don't wake up
and I'm like, oh no, I think I'm going to
have an attempt today. Again, it goes back to me
being proactive with my mental health and keeping that self
away awareness to where it's to be.
Speaker 1 (45:01):
Can you look heavy?
Speaker 2 (45:03):
Oh well, thank you, yes.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
The skin and skinning honey, the teeth is nice and
white like, come on, man.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
So what is some advice you would give to someone
who was currently experiencing similar feelings or contemplating suicide?
Speaker 2 (45:21):
First, I love to give a good resource. So they
recently just launched well it'll be a year come July. Yeah,
but there's so many resources out there. But if you
are feeling suicidal in this moment, or you're having feelings
of suicide or an attempt or a plan, or somebody's
(45:42):
in crisis, please down nine eight eight. That is just
like nine one one, except it's for mental health and
it's for mental health crisis. So that's new right Yeah,
bran Neil love it, big fan. Yeah. It was a
lot to get done. There were a lot of people
(46:02):
that were advocating for There are a lot of people
that pushed it and it was able to get through.
I like it because it's very short. The original number
was like it was like a one eight hundred number.
That's a lot to dial, just a lot going on
in the Nited State exactly. So it's just a lot.
It was a lot going on. But if you're not
(46:23):
a phone person, that's cool too. If you don't want
to talk on the phone, then I encourage you to
text seven four one seven for one, which is a
crisis text sign. And you actually don't have to be
in crisis if there is. If you're just in a
place of needing to talk to somebody, they'll be able
(46:44):
to give you that conversation. But follow that up, if
you are having those feelings of helplessness and those feelings
of not wanting to be here, or you're just in
a really dark place, I really do encourage you want
to use your resources and those resources that I just listed,
But if you have at least one person that you
are able to be vulnerable with, if you have at
(47:07):
least one person that's in your support system that you
can have a conversation with, I do encourage you to
do so. If you have a therapist, reach out to
your therapist if you need I'm full of resources. If
you need funding for therapy, I'll plug that in too.
And then they're even sport groups. Yeah, I get funding
for my therapy. It's called the Loveland Foundation. They do
(47:30):
it for black women and girls. I heard of them
that out to them, love them. Yes, twelve sessions. They
give vouchers for up to one hundred and twenty dollars,
which is amazing pretty therapycause it's expensive. Yeah, that's great.
It takes a big chunk out of that. So yeah,
(47:51):
I would definitely encourage all of those different things.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
And for people who suspect that someone they know may
be experience in suicidal thoughts or behave but are unsure
how to offer support. What is your advice on guidance
you would give to them?
Speaker 2 (48:07):
I would say, honestly, learn God, if you're gonna bely,
how am I supposed to do that? Learning how to
ask that uncomfortable question. I used to work in suicide prevention,
and I wasn't always comfortable and being like, Hey, are
you suicidal or are you thinking of killing yourself? Like
(48:28):
what's going on? How to take a softball approach, which was, hey,
are you feeling like you don't want to wake up anymore?
Or even just simply acknowledging that you see something different
about that person, Hey, I recognize you're not selling as
much as you used to do. What's going on? Are
you talking about it? I recognize that you like to
work out three or four times a week. You haven't
worked out in a month. You're simply saying I'm seeing
(48:51):
that something is different. I'm worried about you, and I care.
I think people want to be seen. We all want
to be seen. And when somebody struggling mentally, they want
people to they want help like they essentially they may
not know how to ask for it. So you don't
even have to ask that hardball question, but picking up
(49:13):
on hey, my friend seems a little off today, or
this person seems a little bit off. I wonder what's
going on. So just asking like, hey, I recognize that
you're not doing this, you seem a little irritable, whatever
the case, saying be whatever seems different, and simply just
having a small conversation and offering those resources I just said.
Speaker 1 (49:33):
You know, I think this was an amazing conversation. I
feel like every time I talk about this topic on
my show is a really good conversation. Like with the
girl who honored her father who committed suicide or who
passed away from suicide, that was a beautiful conversation. I
think this was also an amazing conversation. So I want
to say thank you so much for being a guest
(49:55):
on the show, for having me of course, of course,
and to the listeners. If you or someone you know
is struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors, there is help available.
Reach out to a trusted friend or a family member,
a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline. Because you
are not on loan. Thank you everyone, until next time later,
(50:21):
You're not gonna say bye, oh, thank you bye. The
Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black Effect
podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
app a podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you
(50:43):
can connect with me on social media at the PHG
podcast
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion is a vice. Hey,
professional homegirls, it's shagirl ebine here, and I hope all's cute.
(00:20):
Now we are back with a phg rewind episode, and
this time we're revisiting one of my favorite conversations from
season one. Now, in this episode, my guest opens up
about her journey with mental health, including surviving two suicide attempts. Now,
it made this episode so special to me. It wasn't
just her transparency and just being vulnerable, but it was
(00:43):
also just how educational and necessary this conversation was it
still is to this day.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
I also thought it was kind of funny because, like,
you know, as we on this break and we're gearing
up for season three, I'm always like listening to old
conversations to like, you know, just to see what I
could have done better I'm selling myself or things of
that nature. And when I was listening to this conversation
and she was saying how like she was homicidal, and
I was like, girl, like what does that mean? So
she was like, what you mean? What that mean? Like
exactly what it said? And I wanted to be like, well, bait,
(01:12):
should you catch your body or something like what's the tea?
So I was just like, yeah, this is a good conversation,
especially since we are in the month of Mental health Awareness.
I really do hope that you all, if you were
someone you love has ever struggled with mental health and
you struggling with it to this day, I hope this
episode reminds you that healing is possible, okay, and that
(01:34):
you are not alone. And like the great Jerry Springer
once said, please take care of yourself and take care
of each other. So get ready, because I survived suicide twice.
Starts now listen, y'all. My guess she's a superhero, she said,
her staving the world one person at a time. So
I'm super excited to have you on the shelve. So
(01:55):
thank you so much for joining us. Of course, So
I imagine that sharing your personal story can be difficult.
How challenging has it been for you to open up
about your experiences and share them with others?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
To be very truthful it honestly, okay, I'm happy that
you asked this question. This is an initial question. I
had an experience yesterday where I was preparing for a
speech and doing a lot of practicing and writing and
timing all those things that go into it. And I
got emotional. And that's the first time that that's happened
(02:29):
in an extremely long time. Wow. And it was really
more so because I was thinking about all those individuals
that are currently in the position that I was in, say,
eight to nine years ago. So the story isn't difficult
to tell now. I had to get to a space
in my healing journey where it was comfortable and I
(02:51):
was okay with being this transparent. But the times that
it gets emotional isn't necessarily for myself, but just kind
of empathizing with individuals that are going through those challenges
at that time.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, that has to be like difficult and really hard.
I can only imagine just hearing somebody else story and
I just be like, damn, Like I just wish I
could just take it all away from you.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
What do you believe are some of the factors that
contribute to higher rates of suicide within our community?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Oh? Man, what doesn't right?
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Yeah, when I was thinking about this question, I was like,
I feel like just being black in America is like
you break us, right.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
It's definitely a lot. I mean, the first being environmental honestly,
so the areas that and I don't want to say
this is if our entire community lives in this manner,
but being realistic, is that financial hardship, not growing up
(03:56):
in full family homes, just a lot of different things violence,
you know, I mean there's a lot of different things
that are going on that affect us. And then seeing
violence on TV against our community, on social media, on
social media against our community every day is very much,
so impactful. But bigger than that lack of resources, lack
of education and lack of understanding and research for our
(04:19):
actual community and how ye lack of support, but how
those outside forces are affecting those numbers. So there's a
lack of research is why we can't even answer this question.
We know, but people aren't able to help us because
they're not necessarily putting us in those numbers of what
is making us more vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Yeah, that's a good point. When I was doing research
on this, somebody said that lack of representation within this
and I was like, Yo, that's so serious because in
our community is so like taboo.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yes, very much.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Why do you think some people believe that? Asking someone
about their suicidal thoughts or intention could actually lead to
them considering or attempting suicide, rather than providing the opportunity
for support and intervention.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I think it's based on fear on the other person's side,
so not knowing how to react if that person were
to say yes. So going back to stigma again, it's
just like if we don't have understanding of how to
support somebody, if that answer order come back, it's easier
for us to say, you know what, I'm not going
to ask it at all. Right, So it's very easy
(05:29):
to simply not ask it again, and then to take
on the idea, and that to take on the false
idea that you're actually implanting that idea into somebody's head
or putting that thought into somebody's head when it's the
exact opposite. Just like you said, what.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Would you say are some common misconceptions about this?
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Oh? Man? That it's selfish? I would say that's the
biggest one. Another misconception is that it is is only
young people do it, yeah, and only others do it,
that black people don't. Right, There are a lot, but
I would definitely say the biggest one I hear is
(06:14):
it's selfish, and I did it other science.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
How do you feel about that when people say that
it's selfish? Because I had a conversation with another guest
and her father committed suicide, and then she gave a
two part question on how she felt about it before
and now being able to you know, since she experienced
it afterwards. So how do you feel about it when
people say it's a selfish decision?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
I can understand it. And I know a lot of
people talk out of grief and out of pain, and
everybody experiences things differently. And that's honestly not even just
with suicide. Anytime that we lose something, lose somebody, it's
always a space of Okay, well that was selfish in
a way of how just happened. They took this from me,
something was taken for me, right, So I don't take
(06:59):
offense to what It's just an opportunity to educate and
to have that conversation and to move past it. So
I don't necessarily like get angry about it. It's just like, Okay,
well that's perfectly fine that she feel that way, but
let's talk about it. How can we help shape and
change the narrative?
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I feel like you a real patient person.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I am.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I can say a lot like for somebody to piss
you off, they gotta be od and on you.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Yeah, like you probably be like, no, this is how
it's happen. It does not happen like this.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Like there is another side, So you know, it does
take a lot for that to come out. It's funny.
I was in therapy years ago when I first started
in my early twenties, and I used to have a
lot of anger issues and challenges. And I was telling
my therapist like a dream I had about fighting somebody, you.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Probably sucked them up in a dream I did.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
And she was like, I didn't know that this was
something that we needed to work on. She's like, you
just I never got that for me. I'm like, yeah,
I can get there. Oh it's a lot better, but
that is definitely a side.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Let me find that you got them hand chew. So
what were your initial thoughts when news of the pandemic
first emerged and it became clear that the outbreak had
the potential to become a global health crisis.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I think that my initial reaction one was how scary
it was going to be for just the world, our
community and what was ahead, which was essentially having to
take a step back and look at ourselves. I recognized
the I'm not going to say danger, but the challenge
(08:49):
of sitting with ourselves in silence, which is really essentially
what everybody was forced to do. So everybody was forced
on this sealing journey instead of you know, filling ourselves.
It's only so much netl you can watch. It's only
so much Hulu that you can watch until you get
exactly until you're just like, I'm stuck with myself and
all these things start to surface. So I was nervous
(09:10):
about that. But on a personal note, in my initial
healing journey that started a while back, that was tough
for me being with Page and it was like, oh,
I have to face all of these things. So it
was just it was I found it to be interesting,
and I was scared. I was sad, and then just
the uncertainty of it all was definitely anxiety provoking, so
(09:34):
a range of emotions, but nothing about it was like, oh,
this is exciting, Like right, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
My next question. How did the pandemic affect your mental health?
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It was quite the opposite for me, Like I like
being to myself, but it forced me to develop skills
that I did not have prior to and I'm seeking
Like in my career, I loved doing speaking engagements, I
loved doing workshops that I enjoy being in person, so
(10:09):
being forced to do it on zoom was totally different.
So I had to step up my personality via camera
and I'm like, I'm camera shy. So that was really
really hard career wise. But as far as like mentally,
I had already been in therapy, I had already built
out a pretty strong support system, so it just strengthened.
(10:30):
If anything else, it was like, Okay, I know how
to handle isolation, I know how to reach out for
resources and things like that. So I'm not going to
say it didn't impact me, but it wasn't detrimental whatsoever.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
When did you become aware of the increases in suicide
race during the pandemic and what were your thoughts on it.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I mean, I think that it just I'm gonna say
it just happened, But the need for crisis intervention increase,
the need for workshops increase, so just the need for
mental health services increase, So that was probably my initial instinct.
But again recognizing what was ahead was definitely like a
(11:17):
red flag like, hey, something's about to kind of surface,
for sure, because I.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Definitely feel like the race went up even more during
the pandemic.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yes, yes, I don't know the exact number, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
And do you think that mental health and suicide race
were discussed enough in the media during a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I'm not really a TV girl, so to prop will say, yeah,
I don't. I don't know. I think it was a
I'll talk like as far as youth, I think it
brought about a conversation of what's better for our kids
to stay home or to go back to school, Like
what's going to be better for them emotionally, socially and
(11:58):
things like that. So I people believed that a lot
of conversations were brought to light that I appreciated, such
as sending kids home without knowing what their home life
was like and putting them back in situations where school
essentially was their safe have event. So, as far as
my understanding of it, it was a little bit different
(12:20):
because I worked in the school system. So again, when
you ask that original question of what were my initial
thoughts and the pandemic first happened, it definitely went out
to like my babies, like the kids that I was
working with.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
Yeah, I definitely feel like I mean, everyone was affected
by the pandemic, but I feel like the kids were
affected the most.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Hm for sure. For sure, Yeah, I absolutely agree mm hm.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And do you think that the long term effects of
the pandemic might still be affecting everyone's mental health? And
if so, what can we do about it?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I definitely going to be a long term effect. I
think that us being isolated and being forced to be
with ourselves was necessary because it kind of brought mental
health to the frontline. It was a buzzing topic and
it was a buzzing conversation. But once it hit I
(13:16):
think everybody finally recognized, Hey, we all have mental health.
There's a difference between mental health and mental illness, and
I think that's an important thing to talk about and
to bring about. So yeah, what was your second part
for the question.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
So what do you think we can do about it?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I think we can essentially practice being proactive with our
mental health, so implementing different coping skills such as meditation, journaling,
those basic things that we can apply in our everyday lifestyle.
Learning those breathing exercises, being proactive with our mental health,
which is my hole motto, is essentially preparing for what
(13:57):
could come and having those skills if they do get worse.
So I think everybody flocking to therapy, everybody flocking to resources,
was very powerful because now we're equipping ourselves for what
could be long term. So I'm I'm a realist, So
I'm not going to be like, oh, it was such
a great thing, but I do believe that there were
(14:18):
a lot of positives that came out of it. It became
very action oriented instead of just the conversation.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Now, were you familiar with the concept of suicide before
your first attempt? And then so, how did you know
about it?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I was not. I had no idea. I had no
idea about suicide. I had no idea about anxiety, depression,
suicidal ideations. I had no I was twelve, rightie. And
so it was a time in our community. Gosh, I
(14:52):
was what two thousand and two, Oh wow, yeah, two
thousand and two.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Damn, that was twenty years ago, right, yes, wow?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
So yeah, and that was at a time where we
didn't talk about mental health at all. We didn't talk
about health until not too long ago, recently, right, recently.
So without having that conversation, without having those resources, you
don't really have the language. And that's what's really important.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
We're in the same age group. So just when I
was growing up, like nobody talked about it, and now
you can't. You can't stop hearing it, like it's everywhere,
which is a great thing because it gives people a
space to be able to express how they feel. But
I'm just like, wow, like we just started doing this.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Yeah, but you know, I think it's interesting that you
said that because a lot of peopeople are like well,
and the numbers are rising, but a lot of it
has to do with proper reporting. So if somebody passes
by suicide, and again, like going back to language, that's
another thing that we like to say, is passed by suicide,
(16:15):
die by suicide. It just because when we say commit,
it often brings the idea of a negative connotation, Right,
So when you hear somebody say commit a crime, or
commit murder or do this this or that, it brings
again this negative idea of somebody that was simply just
in pain. Yeah. So that's something that I learned just
(16:38):
a few years ago, and it's consistently changing, but currently
that's the language that we use when talking about suicide.
But when it comes to proper reporting, a lot of
things go into that. If somebody passes by suicide, that
brings up challenges with life insurance, right, it brings up
challenges with with stigma because do life is shure. I
(17:00):
don't want to say yeah or nay. I don't want
to be incorrect and provide false information. I just know
that it's probably not the easiest thing to get situated. Right. Yeah,
I don't want to provide wrong information on that, so
I'll just throw that out there. But it does bring
up a lot of challenges following. And then a lot
of families don't want to say, like, hey, my family
(17:21):
member passed by suicide, so they don't report it as such,
So it could be reported as an overdo So can
we reported as so many other things instead of actually
what it is? So I think that we're having this
conversation now. Yeah, we're having the conversation now to where
people are comfortable enough to say, no, this is what happened,
this is our situation, and so forth. So reporting has
(17:44):
a lot to do with it.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
What was your upbringing like, it was great.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
Both of my parents are.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I know your mom was a doctor.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Yeah, my mom's an attorney. My dad was an entrepreneur.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
She was a doctor.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
No, no, no, no, no, she's an attorney. And it was
it was beautiful, went to you a great school, had
a great upbringing. But I started having sexual abuse when
I was twelve, I believe until I was eighteen. Oh yeah,
So you know, there are a lot of things that
(18:22):
go beyond what something looks like. I did an interview
a while ago, and the introduction of me was interesting.
She's like, yeah, she was the first one I knew
that drove a bins and she had all this, this
and that, and I had to take a step back
and I'm like, hey, like, one, I don't like to
be introduced as such, and two, there isn't a face
(18:45):
to mental illness. There isn't a face to suicide. There
isn't a face to mental health challenges whatsoever. So I
think I got looked over a lot because of what
I had or what my upbringing was like. And then
I also felt validated in my feelings because I did
have such an awesome upbringing. So outside of that particular trauma.
(19:08):
I was just a child that was struggling emotionally all
the way around.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
And nobody knew what was going on with you.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
No, no, you know, we know how to hide stuff, right.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
You know What's so funny when I was doing research
right on your particular story, and I was like, damn,
Like she comes from a good family, like you have
a really good upbringing. So I was one of those
people that was like, I wonder what made her like
have that first attempt, And I was like, it had
to be something. And it never dawned on me that
it was sexual abuse, because I'm like, what else could
it be?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yeah, that's actually a piece of my story that has
always been a missing link because I wasn't in the
space and you asked me the question earlier, is it
hard to tell my story? I'm now just in the
space of that piece of my story being okay to
tell because it's mine to tell. And when it comes
to that topic, it gets so icky, and it gets
(20:03):
so just nasty. People are nasty, The price is nasty.
You still have family members, like it's just not just
one individual that's involved. So now I'm in a current
space of healing. I'm in a good place of plugging
that in. But it wasn't until I did an interview
(20:23):
with people digital, maybe like a year or so ago,
and they kept harping on it and pushing it and pushing. Okay,
what made you have your first attempt?
Speaker 1 (20:31):
And I'm like, because that was my next question, what
lay up to your first attempt?
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Because I couldn't figure it out.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Yeah, I was like, I don't want to talk about like,
and I didn't recognize that it was such a missing
link because I gotten so used to giving this speech
and this story of what I felt safe doing, and
I stand by that, like, I'm happy I didn't share
at that point in time in my life, which is
very important. Was Yeah, So understanding what you're comfort with
(21:00):
and what you're able to actually talk about if you
are in a place of advocacy, it's key because you
can't help anybody if you're still hurting.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Wow, you got my brain like going now because now
it makes sense because one of the things I read
in that article was how you always felt a sense
of sadness. But I can see why.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yeah, for the sure, and.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
From twelve to eighteen that's a long time.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Wow, So I mean when you're ready to tell. Do
your family know who did it?
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Or yes, yes, they're aware.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
And I'm assuming as someone in the family.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Yeah it was a family member, it was a cousin.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Oh what'sn't okay? But I'm still in a healing space
when it comes to that, Like I'm not totally like, yeah,
let's go into detail, right, Yeah, but it is a
topic that I am moving and like just moving through. Yeah, navigating,
(22:10):
perfect word, Yeah, still navigating. Right.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
So how did you know to take a lot of
pills doing your first attempt? If you did, if you
wasn't familiar with suicide.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
You know, honestly, I can't even tell you that that's
such a great question. Never even been asked that before.
And it was such a dark time and such a
blocked out time for me that that was just instinct.
So maybe, yeah, it was instinct for me. I was
in the I mean, I was in the bathroom and
(22:43):
I just saw medication. I decided to take it. So
I don't know if that's such a good question. I
never even thought about why or how I need to
do so interesting.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
When I tell you I was researching you because.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I'm like, you better than people.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Okay, oh come on now, don't play with the fressonal homegirl.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
We're gonna get to that. I love it. I love it, but.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
I'm just thinking of a twelve year old psyche, like
you never knew anything about it. You're twelve years old,
So it's like, what made you do that? Because I
interview another guest and she was saying how what made
her decide to do try to do suicide was she
saw it on cartoon and I was like what, I'm like,
I wonder how you found out.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, you know again, I didn't necessarily have the language
to say, hey, this is what's happening. I do for
a fact that I didn't want to live anymore. And
that's something you don't have to research. That's something you
don't have to look up. I just knew that I
wanted it to stop. So as a child, the only
connection I can make is that you take one peel
(23:45):
and makes your head stop, if you take multiple and
make everything stop. So that's the only type of connection
that I can make. But as far as like getting
on Google and doing all of that, I don't.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Know, right, But we didn't have Google back then, did we?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I don't know, girl a long time. I know there's
this post that's like, you don't believe me or my
kids or whoever doesn't believe me when I say I'm
older than Google, because Google really isn't that old. And
I'm right.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I think I think YouTube is like what fifteen?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
If that? Though? It's so wild, I know.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
So when you woke up the next day, how did
you feel sad?
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Yeah? I felt very sad, and I felt this burden
of I now have this bigger secret than what I
had before, which is I have depression and again not
knowing the language at the time, I'm using it properly now.
So I called it like a secret. So now that
(24:54):
I not only have the secret of not wanting to
be happier, not feeling happy and having these feelings of anxiety,
but I also tried to take my own life. These
are all secrets that I was a twelve year old
girl having. So it was more so of sadness that
it didn't work and that it was a space of burden. Yeah,
(25:20):
I felt very burdened.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Were you angry?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Oh yeah, very much.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
So What are some signs of symptoms that should that
parents or caregivers or educators should be aware of that
may indicate a childice experience suicidal thoughts or behaviors.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah, I would say isolation would be number one. So
you know, it's completely fine wanting to have the time.
I think we all need you time. I was just
selling my doctor the other day, actually Monday, I had
an appointment. Oh, today's Wednesday, So Tuesday, yesterday, I had today,
feel like Thursday, right Friday. It feels like someday. That's
(26:02):
not today, all right. But yeah, So she was just asking, essentially,
like how I was feeling. I was like, I'm not isolating,
but I'm chilling, like i want to be by myself
a little bit because I'm working so much. She's like,
that's fair. So I would definitely point out isolation. I
isolated a lot at that time in my life. Lack
(26:23):
of sleep or sleeping too much, anything that's disturbing, an appetite,
so lack of appetite, anxious feelings, crying spells. A lot
of things that we write off is in oh, they're
just being a presen or they're just being a teenager.
Definitely deserved to be looked into a little bit more
(26:44):
and it's really just by asking those questions like, hey,
what was good in your day? What was bad in
your day? Right? Not just asking how was your day,
because a kid and even adults will say I'm fine
or today was fine. Yes, somebody how they're doing, like
I'm good instead of saying, honey, how are you feeling?
That's actually forcing them to identify something that's going on
(27:05):
on the inside, which is really important. So isolation, lack
of sleep, change and appetite, change in mood, crying spouse.
I would point those out.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Now, ten years later, you made a second attempt at
the age of twenty two. Can you share some of
those events of factors that led up to this time.
One thing I will say, when you were talking about
college and not having no money and being stressed out,
I was like, man, I definitely feel home that because
I had a great time in college, but it was hard,
(27:36):
especially when you didn't have no money.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Yeah, college was not I didn't enjoy school even as
a kid. Really no, I didn't. I mean, and when
I got to college, it wasn't the school part I enjoyed.
I loved to party, and you know that was like
a piece of college. And once I got serious about
my academics and I got stable. Then it changed for me.
(27:59):
But to answer your question, I was extremely sleep deprived.
I was experiencing a lot of symptoms of bipolar disorder,
which I didn't know at the time, but without sleep,
with heavy drinking, heavy smoking, just a lot going on,
(28:20):
a lot of Yeah, I was twenty four to seven.
It wasn't even about you probably wouldn't even know I
was under the Inflo's high maybe, but everything else was
trybably like oh, she's just chilling, And it was really
just me attempting to maintain some form of stability, some
type of like hoping I don't have a mood thing
within the next thirty minutes type thing, and I just
(28:42):
got I was just exhausted, like I really was. I
was just exhausted. So I was probably on like two
to three days of not sleeping, and I just remember
being at school and again choosing the rout of medication,
and I was like, I just I can't, I can't
do this. I can't do this. And then I had
(29:05):
been I had been living with suicide ideation since I
was a kid, so it wasn't just something that popped
back up. I had been not wanting to live for
a very long time. But I was hospitalized and so forth.
But I'm sure we'll get there.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Yeah. Wait, so that any of your friends noticed it,
anything that was going on to in college.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Or I talked to a girlfriend of mine from high
school and I was just sharing with her that I
needed help. And I didn't necessarily know what it would
look like, but I think that individuals around me recognized
that one. I weighed maybe like one hundred and ten pounds,
(29:50):
possibly like heaviest, so I was very tiny. I was
very irritable. I just was not in a good headspace,
and my anger it was just like through the roof.
So it wasn't like, oh, she's in a badmit at
this moment in time. It was really more so like, nah,
she's like in a rage almost, and she's not sleeping,
(30:13):
she's heavily under the influence. And so she actually found
a place for me to go to, I guess and
patients stay or something like that. I didn't go, but
that was the conversation I recall, but many things, I honestly,
my memory is very vague, right, Yeah, a lot of
it is still quite foggy, Like I can pull bits
(30:34):
and pieces. The more I do therapy and the more
I talk about it, the more vivid things become. But
some things are just missing in action.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
We're not underssentable because sometimes our brain blocks out trauma
to protect us.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
So exactly exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
So when you woke up in the hospital, did you
knew where you was at?
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Like?
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Did you know what happened?
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Yeah? I mean I was taken to the hospital, and
I definitely it was not under a happy space, to
say the very least, because I was not just suicidal.
I was homicidal as well. And a lot of people
don't know that about my story. So you get a little.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Gemer, now give us the tea.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Now, come on, now, I was homicidal as well, and
homicidal is what it says, which is homicide killing. I
was just very aggressive, and yeah, I don't really know
what else to have You tried to hurt somebody before? No,
(31:37):
absolutely not. I mean I didn't act on it, but
those were when you have ideation, it's just simply what
it is. It's an idea. So no, I didn't talk anybody.
That wasn't the case. But that's definitely marked in my chart.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
The way you're laughing right now, Yeah, somebody would have
tried you. So when your family found out about the
attempts and your mental health challenges, where were their reaction?
Speaker 2 (32:07):
It was very I think they were scared more than anything.
I think they were just fearful of not knowing what
to do and not necessarily having the resources to help me.
So it was a family effort. I was hospitalized at
(32:28):
a public hospital at first, and then I was transferred
to a private hospital. But even just getting into a
private hospital took about two to three days. And private
hospitals are very expensive. If you don't have insurance, it's
almost impossible. But even with insurance, it is just not.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
A lot of money takes.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Yeah, and then public hospitals almost feel like prison. And
I've been to jail, so it does feel like, no,
we gotta come on.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Now, what you go to jail for?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
What you go to jail for, duy, Not for my thoughts,
not for my ideations, but for my.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
D u I nine don't play with my so y'all,
I know who I'm gonna call if I need some help,
because I'm like, what how you just gonna slide that
in there? You having to jail?
Speaker 2 (33:41):
Well, I thought she knew no, But.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
When I tell you, when I was researching you, I'm like,
where are the missing pieces?
Speaker 2 (33:48):
Like it was given?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Like it was given very like what's the word like surface?
Like I feel like, obviously the main goal is to
educate people and to help those who are really in need.
But when you know, like, I love to get to
know people. So I'm trying to read more about you,
and I'm like, come on, now, something to adding up here.
(34:13):
But I was like, I'm gonna get to the bottom
of it.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
So I was twenty five, but we'll follow the timeline
and then you can thire it back in when you want.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, is there a history of
mental health issues within your family?
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Yes, I think that's anybody. A lot of it's gone
on else and then my family has had a lot
of addiction as well, so yeah, but I mean that's
nothing but a mental health challenge as well, right, So
a lot of it was there. I actually found out
(34:54):
a cousin of mine had bipular disorder prior to me
finding out. I found out a year before I did that.
I knew I had it.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
But when she said it, I'm like, that sound like me.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And I was diagnosed literally like a year later.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
And how did you feel when you finally got the
news because you always felt like something was different.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Hey, this makes sense, Like, I appreciate it. I see
why I'm in debt. I see why my spence it's
been outrageous. I see why all these things were happening
to me and happening around me. And I was doing
to myself just not taking care of myself or valuing
my life. It's all made sense. So I was relieved.
(35:36):
I'm gonna say I was excited, but I had diagnosed
myself anyway, Like on and don't do this, whoever's listening,
don't get on the internet and take those quizzes. But
when I was diagnosed, I was like, I knew it.
I found out two weeks ago. I was on Google
and this told me this is what I had. But
I did get an official diagnosis when I was hospitalized.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Do you think family should have conversations with their children
or just within the family, talking about mental health issues,
because I feel like a lot of things that we
experienced could have been avoided if you would have told
me what Tom it was a long time ago.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
I mean, I think it'd be beneficial. But I also
think that we have to take the step of mental
health the same way we do physical health and not
just included as mental health means mental illness, because that's
not the truth. So if you were to have conversations
and being proactive about our mental health, I guess not
(36:32):
even I guess, I believe I would have been able
to manage anxiety better. I would have been able to
identify those feelings of depression. I would have been able
to again not just manage, but live with and maneuver
and to navigate, like we said earlier, those different feelings.
So I think just having that conversation of mental health
(36:55):
like brain health the same ways like eat your veggies, right,
thank you. But if I were to have him, like
I have a niece and I have nephew's and I'm like, hey,
like take a breath, let's do a breathing exercise, let's
go in today, like let's identify something. So having those
conversations are extremely important. But as far as disclosing different
(37:17):
mental illness within the family, you know, I if I
were to and I'm not, I don't want to have kids,
and that's definitely something we can also talk about I
could talk to you for days.
Speaker 1 (37:32):
Yeah, it's given, Bessie.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I worked to I would definitely disclose my diagnosis and
definitely disclose that our family has had challenges. I feel
like we talk more so about addiction and black families
than we do mental illness, Like you know, your uncle whatever, whatever, whatever,
And it's like, oh, okay, like he was lit last
time I saw, and that makes sense now. But yeah,
(37:58):
outside of that, I think it's just a conversation we
need to have and we need to learn the skills
behind it. Outside of the conversation.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
As well, Why you don't want to have kids. I'm
just curious because I have an idea, but why you
don't want to have kids?
Speaker 2 (38:15):
One, I don't want to pass along my diagnosis. Somebody say, well,
it seems like it'd be easier if they did have it,
because they'd have you to lean on, And I'm like, Okay,
first of all, that's not really how it works. Give
one of the best support systems. But I don't think
I would be able to deal with I don't want
(38:39):
to call it guilt, but I don't. I'm unsure the
feelings come up if I came across my child having
the same diagnosis as myself because it is genetic. That's
a major reason. A second major reason is that I've
been on medication for so long. I don't know how
it would interact, and I don't want to have a
(39:01):
child that would have an interaction or reaction to the
medication that I've been on because we don't. I mean,
I'm pro medication for myself, that's the decision for each individual,
but I'm also aware that it has long lasting effects
and I don't know what could happen if I were
to get pregnant and if I were to bark the child.
(39:22):
I don't want them to come out and have physical
or mental, you know, challenges because of my condition, and
then I can't. I'm choosing not to come off of
medication because that's just a high risk for me. So
being pregnant, going through all of those hormones and having
(39:43):
those different situations, I definitely don't. Uh, it's not something
that I want to put myself over risk. So it's
really to maintain health. Yeah, it's for my own personal health.
I feel like Selena Gomez. Actually I don't know anything
about Selena. I'm not gonna lie, but she lives with
(40:05):
her quarter. I do know that, but I was so
excited and so proud for her making the comment on
I can't have kids because I can't come off of medication,
and a lot of people were offended by that, but
I stood with her. I'm like, girl, I feel the
same way. But a lot of people like, well, I
(40:26):
don't you can you just choose not to And it's like, no, no,
I actually I can't because I can't come off of medication.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
Like that's dangerous, Like that's not an option, right.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Yeah, exactly. So you know it's up for debate. But
as far as me and then I just I got
a niece and two beautiful nekis. I'm cool, Like I'm
good with being the auntie. Like I don't those three
main reasons, and I like it. I like chilling. I
don't really want to wake up.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
And care nothing nagging and crying and.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
Another way, I have to manage myself.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
So if you didn't, if you didn't list all of
those factors, would a baby be an option?
Speaker 2 (41:12):
I used to want to be a mom mm hmm,
and then it just switched to me. Yeah, it's just
switched to me. So I don't think so I don't
know because this is my reality and I don't necessarily
live outside of it, so I can't I can't honestly
(41:32):
answer that I don't know if right. I don't know
what my like without my diagnosis. Therefore I don't know
what my enity right.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Do you feel like more celebrities should come out and
speak openly about their mental health.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
No. I believe that each person teaches own I don't
think that everybody has to have or anybody that's on
a platform has to come out and say, well, me too.
I have this diagnosis and I share it with the world,
like absolutely not. It's a choice that I decided to do.
It's definitely something that was a need for me. When
(42:16):
I was hospitalized, I actually had a dream that I
was standing on a stage with a like a bright
light in front of me, and I woke up. I
was like, that's interesting, and then that was like my reality.
Like I was on a stage, I was speaking and
I was sharing my story. But going through my process
and my journey to recovery, I definitely recognized I wasn't
(42:38):
doing it just for myself, right. God gave me a
much higher purpose and all of it started to make sense.
So I definitely don't shame anybody for not talking about
their mental health. I applauded do so in order to
help other people, but it's not always meant to be,
you know, put in the spotlight. I definite we don't think.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
So right, And we spoke about medication. So what are
your thoughts about the stigma surrounding medication.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
I think that it's rightful. I think people have a
right to their own opinion. I've had my own personal
journey with medication. I have been on, I've been off.
I've had great doctors, I've had terrible doctors. I've been
heavily medicated. I've been on a perfect regiment, which is
what I'm on now. But it's a trial and error thing.
(43:29):
And I understand when people are like, look, I don't
like the way it makes me feel. This isn't for me.
I want to try an alternate route. Totally personal choice.
But for me, I chose to continue the process to
find a proper doctor and to not give up on
just being told what to do. Like, I wanted to
take control over my own life and over my own
(43:50):
healing space, and Medisica definitely helps me. Yeah, it helps
me a lot.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
Yeah, because I feel like some people would just believe
anything not anything is wrong with that, because we should
have some type of trust when it comes to professionals.
Who are, you know, doctors or therapist, where the case
may be. But I think that's great that you were
very proactive in being more involved in your life.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yes, absolutely, you have to. And I think it gave
me the skills to advocate for myself, just not within
a doctor's office, but outside in the world, in my
career space and my relationships and my friendships, learning how
to be a start of learning how to stand up
for yourself and saying, hey, this works, this doesn't work,
and you're going to listen to me. Right. So it
was a life lesson more than anything.
Speaker 1 (44:32):
Right. And are you ever concerned about the possibility of
experiencing another attempt?
Speaker 2 (44:40):
I don't really think about it, you know. I don't. Yeah,
I'm not gonna say I don't. I don't necessarily live
my life in worry. Like I have days where I'm
anxious and things like that, but I don't wake up
and I'm like, oh no, I think I'm going to
have an attempt today. Again, it goes back to me
being proactive with my mental health and keeping that self
away awareness to where it's to be.
Speaker 1 (45:01):
Can you look heavy?
Speaker 2 (45:03):
Oh well, thank you, yes.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
The skin and skinning honey, the teeth is nice and
white like, come on, man.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
So what is some advice you would give to someone
who was currently experiencing similar feelings or contemplating suicide?
Speaker 2 (45:21):
First, I love to give a good resource. So they
recently just launched well it'll be a year come July. Yeah,
but there's so many resources out there. But if you
are feeling suicidal in this moment, or you're having feelings
of suicide or an attempt or a plan, or somebody's
(45:42):
in crisis, please down nine eight eight. That is just
like nine one one, except it's for mental health and
it's for mental health crisis. So that's new right Yeah,
bran Neil love it, big fan. Yeah. It was a
lot to get done. There were a lot of people
(46:02):
that were advocating for There are a lot of people
that pushed it and it was able to get through.
I like it because it's very short. The original number
was like it was like a one eight hundred number.
That's a lot to dial, just a lot going on
in the Nited State exactly. So it's just a lot.
It was a lot going on. But if you're not
(46:23):
a phone person, that's cool too. If you don't want
to talk on the phone, then I encourage you to
text seven four one seven for one, which is a
crisis text sign. And you actually don't have to be
in crisis if there is. If you're just in a
place of needing to talk to somebody, they'll be able
(46:44):
to give you that conversation. But follow that up, if
you are having those feelings of helplessness and those feelings
of not wanting to be here, or you're just in
a really dark place, I really do encourage you want
to use your resources and those resources that I just listed,
But if you have at least one person that you
are able to be vulnerable with, if you have at
(47:07):
least one person that's in your support system that you
can have a conversation with, I do encourage you to
do so. If you have a therapist, reach out to
your therapist if you need I'm full of resources. If
you need funding for therapy, I'll plug that in too.
And then they're even sport groups. Yeah, I get funding
for my therapy. It's called the Loveland Foundation. They do
(47:30):
it for black women and girls. I heard of them
that out to them, love them. Yes, twelve sessions. They
give vouchers for up to one hundred and twenty dollars,
which is amazing pretty therapycause it's expensive. Yeah, that's great.
It takes a big chunk out of that. So yeah,
(47:51):
I would definitely encourage all of those different things.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
And for people who suspect that someone they know may
be experience in suicidal thoughts or behave but are unsure
how to offer support. What is your advice on guidance
you would give to them?
Speaker 2 (48:07):
I would say, honestly, learn God, if you're gonna bely,
how am I supposed to do that? Learning how to
ask that uncomfortable question. I used to work in suicide prevention,
and I wasn't always comfortable and being like, Hey, are
you suicidal or are you thinking of killing yourself? Like
(48:28):
what's going on? How to take a softball approach, which was, hey,
are you feeling like you don't want to wake up anymore?
Or even just simply acknowledging that you see something different
about that person, Hey, I recognize you're not selling as
much as you used to do. What's going on? Are
you talking about it? I recognize that you like to
work out three or four times a week. You haven't
worked out in a month. You're simply saying I'm seeing
(48:51):
that something is different. I'm worried about you, and I care.
I think people want to be seen. We all want
to be seen. And when somebody struggling mentally, they want
people to they want help like they essentially they may
not know how to ask for it. So you don't
even have to ask that hardball question, but picking up
(49:13):
on hey, my friend seems a little off today, or
this person seems a little bit off. I wonder what's
going on. So just asking like, hey, I recognize that
you're not doing this, you seem a little irritable, whatever
the case, saying be whatever seems different, and simply just
having a small conversation and offering those resources I just said.
Speaker 1 (49:33):
You know, I think this was an amazing conversation. I
feel like every time I talk about this topic on
my show is a really good conversation. Like with the
girl who honored her father who committed suicide or who
passed away from suicide, that was a beautiful conversation. I
think this was also an amazing conversation. So I want
to say thank you so much for being a guest
(49:55):
on the show, for having me of course, of course,
and to the listeners. If you or someone you know
is struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors, there is help available.
Reach out to a trusted friend or a family member,
a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline. Because you
are not on loan. Thank you everyone, until next time later,
(50:21):
You're not gonna say bye, oh, thank you bye. The
Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black Effect
podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
app a podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you
(50:43):
can connect with me on social media at the PHG
podcast
Host
Eboné Almon
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