May 27, 2025 • 56 mins
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.
In this throwback episode, Eboné’s guest opens up about the painful experience of being molested by her older brother.
She reflects on how it shaped her relationships with each of her family members, her parents’ response, and the lasting impact it had on her life.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is a vice. Hey,
professional homegirls, it is your girl ebine here and I
hope all is cute. Now we are back with a
(00:21):
PHG rewind episode, and as we close out this mental
health awareness series, I am bringing it back to one
of my most unforgettable conversations from the PHG archives. Okay,
now let me tell y'all how this episode came to be.
So maybe like three or four years ago, I was
invited to La by Mary, but she is a friend
(00:43):
to the show and she is also the daughter of
the legendary Florence Griffin Joyner that is correct aka also
known as flow Joe. Okay, so she invited me to
attend the premiere of the documentary that she created about
her mom, and y'all, it was such a full circle
moment because if you haven't listened to that episode, please
make sure to check it out. But I share with
(01:05):
Mary how much I was so obsessed with her mom
when I was growing up. And now listen, I am
not no runner, I ain't no track star, but I
just thought that her mom, Flow Joe, was just so
fly like. She used to just have the outfits with
the long nails, the laid hair, and the beat face,
and like, I just thought that she was just the
epitome of black beauty, right, So just imagine how it
(01:28):
felt to be in the same space with her family
and just to be able to, you know, get behind
the scenes and interact with people who really knew and
loved her dearly. So once the event was overwhel I'm like,
you know what, I'm in the la Let me kill
two birds with one stone and let me just hit
up some ig friends that you know, I never get
to see besides on Instagram. So I hit up one
(01:51):
of my homegirls, and you know, we decided to link
up for lunch. And I was super excited because we
always like ki Keen and our dms, sharing memes all
that other good stuff. So we went to lunch and
it was a really, really cute time. Right. So in
the midst of us Kikian, you know, she just casually
mentioned that she had been molested by her brother. And
I ain't gonna hold you when I tell y'all that
(02:13):
called me off guard, like the way I almost choked
my damn crab sandwich, because I don't know, it's not
because she said it or what she said, But I
think it was more so just how calm she said it,
you know, like, oh, like a as a matter of fact.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Type of energy.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
You know. So, as she continued to share her story
with me, you know, I asked would she be open
to sharing it with y'all, and she agreed. She opens
up about her relationship with each family member, her parents' reaction,
and the many ways this experience shaped her. So get ready,
(02:46):
because I was molested by my brother starts now. So
before we get to your story, I want to get
your opinion on some things. First, do you feel like
siblings sexual beauty is often less discussed than any other
types of family violence, And if so, why.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
You know, Like, I really couldn't answer that, because I
don't know what's going on in everybody's family, you know
what I'm saying, Like, and I know a lot of
I know a lot of girls who have been touched
by like their stepfathers, people like that, But you rarely
hear anyone talk about being touched by their actual father.
But you know that that happens as well, So, but
(03:28):
that's more hidden, you know what I'm saying. So I
think like stepbrothers, stepsisters, you know what I mean, like aunts, uncles.
I think people are a little bit more open about
talking about sexual abuse, but when it's in the main family,
I think people are a little less likely to talk
about it openly, right because it's embarrassing.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, definitely in the shame and the guilt. Mm hmm. Yeah,
what would you say, are some signs of sexual abuse
and stif blims?
Speaker 3 (04:02):
I don't, you know, Like I wish I was like
well versed in that because I'm still like deep in
the trauma of it. Like I'm a grown ass woman,
still deep in the trauma, you know, trying to fight
off alcoholism and all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
So as far as the.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
Signs, like, I really wouldn't know, but it has kept me.
I would say it has kept me from having my
own children because I'm I don't feel like I'm well
balanced enough.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I'm such a millennial. Millennials were so much smarter than
our parents, Like, you know, the generation before us was
like have a bounce, fucked up, Let me have a
baby six or seven, fuck them up too.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
I don't know, I just want to see a thing
that looks like me, right, So, like I just feel like,
definitely don't want to like have kids and have this
in me where I think, like just because I put
them in the same room, like something it's gonna happen,
or I'm thinking something is happening, like I don't want
to put them in that situation or myself in that situation,
(05:07):
you know. So the signs are like the signs for
like having trauma and.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Like I think I should leave that up to doctors
and people who really can see what's going on there.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Because I just got into doing therapy.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
I just start taking medication for you know, for some
really bad anxiety that like left me, you know, unable
to like even drive a car or just like live
a normal fucking life, you know what I'm saying. So
I couldn't tell you the signs, but just for that shit.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
If you're a parent, look for that. Look for that,
don't ignore it, and don't act like your son is
above it, right because a boy is a boy.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
M hm. You know, I really commend you for saying.
One of the reasons why you are you don't want
to have kids, are you're thinking about not having kids
because you're afraid that it might be in you. And
I feel like a lot of people feel that way,
but they don't voice it. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
Yeah, I mean honestly, I feel like I need to
be dealing with that more than I need to bring
you know, anything into this world, any offspring or you know,
children into this world. That's not my priority. My priority
is to like heal myself. And people are so selfish,
and I'm like, I think that's the least selfish thing
(06:30):
you can do, is to heal yourself before you start
having kids. You know, you don't want to put that
off into another another human being. They have to grow
up too, you know what I'm saying. And above you
being able to provide financially, you have to be able
to raise them to be like, you know, an adult
(06:51):
that can handle life. And unfortunately, I don't think that
most people know what the fuck they're doing.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Just in general, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Well, it's not I'm not you know, I'm not saying that,
you know, everything is perfect if you get yourself together,
but they'll be better off.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
They'll be better off, right. Do you think there are
ways that people can prevent this from happening? Or is
it hard to say? Rights? Hard to say, like you
gotta talk.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
You know, like I grew up in a highly religious
family and the religion kind of took over everything else,
and there wasn't any real talking. We didn't sit down
and have conversations about what could happen or what's going on.
It wasn't, you know, it wasn't There wasn't any openness
(07:52):
about sex because we were so religious, and I think
that that's harmful, honestly. I don't know about you know,
like just coming from a religious family. I know that
there there's a girl that you know, she was kind
of in the same situation as me, and we were younger,
and I don't know how old I was. I had
(08:14):
to be like ten or something, ten or eleven, and
I remember telling her what was going on. I remember
her telling me what was going on in her household
and we both come from like heavily Christian households, and
her brothers were touching her and molesting her.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Well made me tell you.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I don't know till this day, to this day, but
I told her, I was like, the same thing is
happening to me, And I just couldn't believe what she
was saying to me. I was like, really, like I thought.
I thought I was the only one. So I you know,
first of all, I felt alone. I didn't even know my.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Sister was going through it. I had no idea my
sister was going through it.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
And so you know, my sister right now, she's dealing
with bipolar disorder and she's on the streets. She's on
crack cocaine. You know, she's on that. She's on that
real shit. It people don't and not everyone deals with
something that serious the same.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Oh yeah, for sure, No, for sure the same.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
So I don't know how I got on that, but yeah,
just the just having a conversation and don't act like
sex is so dirty, because I think it goes the
other way in a family.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
You know, if you go the way where you where
you're teaching.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Kids that sex is this and that, and they're not
learning properly that you like, it's natural and it's normal
and it's something that you should be having with someone
that you love, and we're not talking about it openly.
I think that it becomes a hidden thing. I think
it becomes hidden fetishes and porn, And I was looking
(09:56):
at porn. I know, I was looking at porn a
lot as a kid, and only because it's like that
was the way I learned about sex.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Right.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Even when I got my period, it wasn't discussed. I
got it too early. I was like eight years old.
I got my period.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
It's too early.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
So just being an early developer as a child, like
I think that has to do with being molested. I
don't know if there's any connection. You know, don't listen
to me, people, I am not a license nothing.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
All right, No, but I and before you continue, because
I know this has got to be pretty difficult for
you to share your story. But I did say I
want to say thank you again. I told you just
movies at lunch because I do feel like this conversation
is not happening enough because unfortunately a lot of people
can relate to this.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
Yeah, a lot of people. And it doesn't matter the race,
but I noticed that or the gender or the gender,
it really doesn't matter. But I noticed that, like people
don't like to talk about when it's immediate family members.
Yet family members. I noticed that it is something that
isn't is rarely talked about. And I think it's because
(11:09):
even the victim feels shame. Even victim feels like I
mean I'm not speaking for every victim, but even I
feel like.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Nasty, you know what I mean, Like I don't feel
good about it.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
But it's like I was a kid, and when I
look back, it's like he was a kid too, but
he was.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
A lot older than me.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Right, So that's you just have to make sure that
the siblings understand what sex is and where it should
be right, which is outside of the home, off of
your sibling, your girl's sibling, right, or your boy's sibling.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Do you know if sexual abuse runs in your family.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
I think my mom went through it. She wouldn't tell
me who did it to her. She's like that's another thing,
like right, like talk to your kids, like talk to people.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
That's what I feel like Millennials like where we have
learned that, like it's proper to have a conversation about
things when even if it's hard, because that's the only
way to deal with anything.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
And that all this hidden secret bullshit like it brings
about more trauma, just more and more trauma.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
And I'm not saying every millennial knows how to have
a conversation. There are plenty of girls my age and
younger who avoid everything right and act like nothing's happening.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
And not happening. Girl, we go we're chilling, No, we're
not chilling.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
People traumatized, right, traumatized you know. So like the sexual abuse,
like that's no joke, and it's no joke when it
happens to you, especially as a young kid with half
of a fucking brain, right, you're not developed enough to
understand what's going on. Like I just now, I'm just
(13:16):
now experiencing sex that is pleasurable to me and sex
that I know is proper, rather than me feeling like
I have to give something up, right, because that's what
it was for years For me. It wasn't like, oh,
I'm having a sexual experience because I want to.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
It was like I have to mm hmm. That's directly
rooted in what I went through, right. You know, how
many siblings do you have and what was your relationship
like with them? I have. I have four siblings and
we're super tight.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Is like close growing up, I don't know how to
say certain things without putting my identity out there.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
We were clothes.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
We were like like a gospel Jackson five and we
you know, I work in the art world, and so
that's what we did, we would sing and but it
was gospel. And my mom is a professional musician and
(14:31):
singer writer, musician, and she used to work for our Green.
That's probably not a good thing to say, but whatever, right,
A lot of people used to work Power Green.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Yeah, just five motherfuckers. I think my mom was one
of them.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
But anyway, Yeah, so I grew up in a very
musical world, you know what I mean but that, but
you know, also like this is someone who's a musician,
and a lot of musicians.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Are fucked up. You know, a lot of medians are
fucked up.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
A lot of people who I just know personally get
locked up in the art world. And so I was
raised by somebody who I love very much but probably
wasn't well and it kind of just bleeds into the family.
When the matriarch, you know, well.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
What about your dad he's it was like he was like,
I mean he is, like he's a pastor. Oh I
didn't know that.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
But he's also willing to do anything for my mom.
So my mom is like the king mm if that
makes sense, right, Dad is like, we're doing this because
Mama wants to do this, right, So she she's everything she's.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
You know, the alpha and Omega honestly.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
Right, Mary for over forty years and just kept that
type of relationship. And you know, as a feminist, I'm like, yeah,
go ahead, But as a daughter, I'm like, oh, so, how.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Old were you when your brother began to molest you?
Speaker 3 (16:47):
I don't even know how old I was, Like, I
don't because I only remember when I was like around
eight years old.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
But I feel like it probably happened earlier.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
But I don't remember those earlier years because I just
be spoken so much weed now as gets so high.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
So it's I try I.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
Think, like subconsciously, I'm trying to erase memories. Well, you
know that's a thing too, because I had my childhood
was very traumatic and it's just a mental block, like
you try to forget certain things and then you actually
end up forgetting until something triggered you to remember.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So that's very common exactly.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
So, yeah, there's certain dramatic moments that like I'll never forget,
that won't leave my mind. But I couldn't tell you
the first time it started happening.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
How old was he? Well, how much older is he?
He's eight years older than me. Oh so he's a
he was a teenager. Yeah, he's a teenager. Mmmm. That
was a little I was like a baby girl. So
do you remember the first time it happened. The reason
why I'm asking is like, do you remember any signs
(17:57):
that he displayed before he was I don't remember any signs.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
What I do remember is that, like around the age
of eight, I would do normal stuff, Like I remember
we were having like a barbecue and we were all
in the living room and I was like, I had
on these little pink shorts and it was my favorite shorts.
And I'm like, I remember my innocence being taken away
(18:27):
because and this had nothing to do with my brother,
but this is when I remember like I was a
sexual being to people because I was playing and I
had sitting I sat Indian style, and I was like
playing with something in my hands, and my dad said
out loud where everybody could hear, close your legs, and
(18:50):
I was like, oh, okay, So I closed my legs
and it was the first time I was like, are
people looking in between my legs?
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Like hey, what the hell?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Like it was perplexing because I was a little girl,
so I wasn't thinking about anyone looking in between my legs, right,
you know now as an adult, like if I if
I play Indian Style, I want nigga.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
To looking between my legs, looking between my legs. I
wore these shorts for a reason. I was a little girl,
so I didn't understand, but I will always.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Remember how it made me feel like people want to
touch me below, people want to whoa.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Like sex became introduced to me. Mmm, So how long
did it continue to happen for? How many years?
Speaker 3 (19:51):
It happened until I was probably until I was like
probably twelve mm, probably twelve maybe thirteen was the last
time when it was like I was just getting too
old and I was starting to defend myself, and you
(20:12):
know what I mean, It wasn't cute no more.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
I was like I was getting muscles and shit, I
was pushing back. Yeah, you was protecting meself. I was
protecting myself and so yeah, I think I was around
like it felt like it happened my entire childhood. But
by the time I was a teenager, it wasn't happening.
(20:34):
But I had already been fucked up, right, you know
what I mean, Like, now I'm a teenager and I'm
in high school. That means he's an average black girl.
That means he's grown at this point. He's at this.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Point, right, and he gets the stereotypical LFE skinned girl.
And it's like it's another thing, like I'm dealing with
like my brothers, who one of them married a white girl,
so the other one married like the phenal type of
like what they feel is a dying piece, you know
what I mean, light skinned girl, hair, skinny, you know
(21:11):
what I'm saying, Like that type of two thousand and two.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Right right outline of a woman.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
That every black man put on a pedestal and still do.
She represented that. So it felt like I was a secret.
Just I was a secret not only to my brothers
but to like every man. So I was already fucked up.
(21:37):
And to know what's happening to my sister. It happened
to my sister by both.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Of my brothers.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
And I don't want to tell her story, right, but
both of my brothers did it to my sister, both
my older brothers, and.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
So oh go ahead, no, go ahead, no, yeah, I
definitely I did have a question about that, but not
to go too deep into her story because that is
her story. But before I asked you that question, did
you tell your parents?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
I was grown when I was twenty six, twenty five,
might have been twenty five. I was twenty five when
I told my parents, which wasn't long ago.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
And I don't know. I think my mom kind of panicked.
She started saying, what was wrong with they own drugs?
What was wrong with them? I can't believe that that's
you know.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
She started speaking about it like it was something to
be spoken about in a normal way right first, and
then we never spoke about it again. And then it
pissed me off that we didn't speak.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
About it again.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
And so maybe like three years after that, I brought
it up again and I said, you know, I have
I have vovaldinia.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Vovaldinia is something that women.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Sometimes women will get pains in their vaginal area because
I couldn't never wear tampons, and I was like, why
can't I wear tamp It hurts for me to wear
a tampon.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
What's wrong with me?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
And it was because I had that, And it's like basically,
your your vaginal muscles trying to protect you from entrance.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
For that. Because at my homegirl she was on the
show and she was talking about how sex. It's painful
to have sex, so we're just talking about it and
we having a conversation and make a long story short.
She later disclosed to me that she was sexually abused,
and now we did I'm doing research because I'm like, wait,
(23:38):
like I want you to bust or nothing, like why
you can't have sex? Right, So when she told me
that we started doing research, I'm like, it's probably because
of what happened to you at a younger age and
your body is rejecting it. And then that's how we
found out about it. Yep.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
Yeah, And I had a racist obg yn tell me
I had to write a whole letter and everything with
her racist sad but she told me, she told me
very in a way that was like very She didn't
consider my feelings at all.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
She told me like it was just normal and that's
not a normal thing to happen. I really cut my
eyes out.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
I cried my eyes out that I had to deal
with something like that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
And this was in twenty twenty, bitch, Like this was
in twenty twenty, right, Like this stuff is just happening
for me. So yeah, yeah, that trauma is nothing to
mess with.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
It's really like something that's very serious. You can't take
it lightly. When I did tell my mom, I could
tell that she had gone through a lot too sexually,
because she wrote back that I needed to grow up.
What would happen if I were to say anything? What
would happen if the you know, my oldest brother's kids
(24:57):
were to find out what happened, Like they wouldn't look
at him as their hero anymore? Why would you want
that for your brother?
Speaker 1 (25:07):
That type? And what about me?
Speaker 3 (25:11):
It was never a you know? And it's like she
put she poured out a big like I'm sorry, you know,
Like finally, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do.
I don't know what to say. And I'm like, that's
the most honest thing you could have said, right. I
could have just said that, right?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
What did your dad say?
Speaker 3 (25:32):
My dad has not said anything till this day, girl,
And he knows about it, But he hasn't said anything
till this day.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
I don't think he knows what to say either. I'm
not holding it against him that they don't know what
to say. But let me tell you something.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
I still can't have normal conversations with my parents because
I'm smart, I'm not like a I'm not a dummy,
I'm not oblivious, and so it's hard for me to
be like.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Yeah, it's like like nothing, elpn, y'all, let's.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Party, let's I'm the most logical bitch on earth. And
that type of stuff to me is like, I'm not
gonna I'm gonna query it.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
I'm not finna sit with you and eat with you
and act like you can't have that. We can't fake,
I don't care how hard we try. It is the
most uncomfortable thing ever. It's hell for us to fake it.
It is really hell. It is really hell. And so
I'm like, I'm not gonna fake with y'all. And I
love you.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
And when I do call you and I tell you
that I love you, but I can't stay on the
phone with you long like I think the last time
we stayed on the phone like an hour and that
was the longest, but we weren't talking about anything really substantial, right,
very surface level, which I appreciated on their part, right,
but it was like, yeah, I can't fake, and it's
(26:53):
just very hard for me to do. So, yeah, I'm
not like someone who can just put that behind me.
Is never gonna be behind me, right, So yeah, I'm
still currently going through that.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Do you think the reason why they don't want to
admit to it is because they feel like it would
make them look bad?
Speaker 3 (27:12):
Yeah, I think they felt I think they probably already
think they looked bad. Right, They probably already think that
they did a bad job or right. I think parents
go straight to like what could I have done to
maybe prevent this? Like what did I do wrong? But
they still not willing to learn nothing though, right, you know,
saying if I say, my mom mentioned that, you know,
(27:35):
something happened to her when she was fifteen years old.
She was out here in California and some stranger she said,
had raped her and she said there was blood and
he had a gun and all this stuff happened. And
the only reason why he let her go is because
she said her pastor was James Cleveland and she was
(27:58):
going to church to play she had to play for
the choir.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
And he let it go.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
And I'm like, you never went to talk to nobody
about that. You carried that trauma with you, and I know,
like back in the day, y'all didn't know like you're
supposed to talk about things. I understand that, but you
should know now, and you should know that you have
like a thirty plus year old daughter who's living on
(28:25):
her own, who's not a fucking dummy and tell you, hey,
maybe you should talk about it, and you still view
me as someone who's not smart enough.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
To let you know that maybe you should talk about it.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
So our relationship is suffering because of this, right, you know,
like my sister's going off the deep end, and so
you would think like maybe you know what I mean,
You would think they would be like, well, maybe I should.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Get some therapy. I don't know, maybe Jesus can't be
my therapist, right, you know, I had it before. I
had another conversation before we started our conversation, And this
lady been through so much shit, like she been raped
and beating so many times so she can't even count.
So she's a trauma expert and she traveled all around
(29:16):
the world to teach people more about trauma because people
sometimes mistake trauma for mental disorders but not understand that
trauma can lead to mental disorders. Yes, and I asked
her this question. I'm gonna ask you you do you
think that people are desensitized when it comes to trauma
because since they've been through it and survived social youth. Yeah,
(29:39):
I think that most people don't understand.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Like even now, I have a boyfriend who you know,
I have a boyfriend who he grew up in a
situation where his parents were selling dope, and he acts
like everything it was fine, it was cool. It was
like it was fine. It was like your parents were selling.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Dope, right, Like that's not normal, that's not.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
Nor you think, so you have no trauma branching from that,
or like the fact that your dad was there but
he didn't raise you, Like he was just there, but
he didn't raise you though, Like you know what I'm saying,
there's a lot there, But he doesn't think that he
has any trauma. He smokes a lot of weed though
he smokes a shit little weed. And so it's like,
(30:33):
I think people don't even know they have.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
It because they think it's so normal because they in
this space for so long that they think that, yeah,
it's just it's just normal that I drink this much
every day. It's just normal that, like I need to
have sex the way I need to have sex, Like
it's just normal.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
That's I have a healthy appetite for like, but you
never really sat down and thought, why do I have
a healthy appetite for I have an abnormal appetite for Dick?
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Why? Right? No, it's true, and people are not even
knowing that they're using that as a escape mechanism.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
I think balance is the key, Like, you just want
to be balanced, right, Why to be balanced as possible,
even though it's like you know, it's really hard.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
I don't even know if it's possible. I don't know
anyone who's perfectly balanced. Yeah, I don't think nobody's perfectly balanced.
You want to get as close as possible, for sure,
for sure, but it definitely does take a lot of work,
especially with everything that we've been through it trying to
figure out with no fucking blueprint and with no money, Okay,
just like in debt. Right? Yeah, besides your friend, did
(31:51):
you tell anyone else about this? When I was younger,
I used to just tell everybody because I didn't know
how to deal with it.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
All my friends, you know what happened to me? Right,
I couldn't hold water. I just but I would never
say it was my brother. I would always say it
was my uncle. I would say it was my uncle,
and yeah, I would never say it was my brother
because I didn't want people to to start looking at
me weird, or if they were to ever meet my brother,
(32:20):
look at him weird, right then it would make me
feel weird. You know what I'm saying, Like you understanding
what's going on at the time, so it's even more confusion.
It's even more confusion. So like, but like I was
acting out. I was acting out. Even in middle school,
I was acting out a lot by lying. I would
lie so much, like it just made me feel better.
(32:44):
I would like, now I'm a writer, you know, Like
I learned how to put all those lies on a
script and you know, make up worlds on a script
rather than in real life. But in high school, I
used to lie to my friends and it would make
me feel better because they always thought I was like,
oh wow, not a man, hell of a storyteller.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Oh my god, professional now you know man. So it's
like people really really look.
Speaker 3 (33:13):
Forward to like what I had to say the next
day about the boy that I was with.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
And I would never be with that boy. That boy
didn't even know I liked him, you know what I'm saying.
I would lie about boys you were bad.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
I was acting out and like now it's it's you know,
I'm so glad that I grew out of it.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Is like a growing pain thing that I'm glad I
grew out of that. Or you could look at it
as something that you use to protect yourself is also
what you use to make money. Yeah, moment, it is
a full circle moment. But you know you have to
learn how to you know, direct that stuff direct. Oh
(33:51):
you don't. You're lying on people and then you know
what I mean, and that's gonna come back to you.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
But if you direct that into the right energy, it
can make something, you know, beautiful, right right. But I
was just lying on niggas and I wasn't saying nobody
was raping me or nothing that was too far.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
But like I was a soap opera good at it.
So you definitely mentioned earlier that the same brother that
molested you also raped up sister with your other brother.
How did you find out about this, Well, because my
mom told me. She said, I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
Yeah, So the reason why I told my mom is
because my sister told my mom. And it was around
the time that my sister started going missing, and oh
she my sister's two years older than me. Wow, so
she you know, I don't know when she started getting
molested by my older brother.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
But then I remember the oldest brother.
Speaker 3 (34:56):
This is something I remembered distinctively. I was in a room.
It was my bedroom at the time. I think I
was in either my bedroom or my sister's bedroom. And
I remember I was young. This is when I was
getting lested by my other brother. I remember my oldest
brother came old. He's he's like forty five right now.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
Also, he was way older than you. I was a
lot older. Yeah, he's like older older. So he came
into the room and I remember him standing in a
corner and looking at me really weird. But he just kept.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
Looking at me, and he wasn't doing anything, and he
was super high. He was on some drugs, my mom
not wrong, like he was on something, and he was
just standing there and he was staring at me, and
I just finally started I started yelling at my mom's name,
and it scared him and it spooked him and he
ran out, and I was like, was he gonna do
it to me too? I was like very confused. I
(35:51):
didn't know what the fuck was going on. So then
when my mom said that when I was when I
was twenty six, I was like.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
I remember that one time where I thought, did he
just try to do the same shit to me? Like
I was very confused. So I'm like, so, what is
going on? You know, and like did my older brother
touch my younger brother? Which other like I didn't.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
I still to this day don't really know what the
fuck was going on. I only know what was going
on from my perspective what happened to me.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Right, But everybody mom to tell you like like she
just told her, Oh, because this happened to your sister,
Like well, because because she said, well she brought it
up first.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
She was like, your sister said that you know soul
and soul was messing with them molested in her said he.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
She didn't use the word rape.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
She just said was touching her and doing some nasty
stuff with the you know, she old school. So I
was like, well, I just want to say he did
the same thing to me, and I didn't want to
leave her hanging. You know, I'm twenty six. I was like, crazy,
I'm a feminist. I was like, no, braw Wednesday, like
(37:09):
that type of feminist, right, So I was like, yeah,
he did the same thing to me too. I couldn't
wait to tell her, and she was like, she said uh,
and she said so and so to you too, because
she said both of them did.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
It to her. And I said really, so.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
I didn't know, but how do you feel?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
And I'm asking this question respectfully, like I don't know.
I can see why this is why, this why your
relationship is a little strained with your mom, because it's
just no way that you know that somebody's touching your babies,
regardless of who it is. And like.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
I just like I wrote her, my sister is mean,
like my sister has my polar disorder.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
But can you blame her? Though I don't blame her
at all.
Speaker 3 (38:03):
I don't, but the type of letters she was send
by email to my parents were awful. I'd be like,
the way you're talking to our parents is crazy boo,
Like I get it, but come on now.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
But then it led me to write a letter because
I was like, well, I gotta write something too, because
y'all really don't get it.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
But I wasn't quite as like vicious about it because
I have more in my mind. So you know, I
wrote something to my mom, and I said, it's a
shame that you chose to protect the boys over the girls, right,
because that's what you did. You're choosing to protect them,
you're choosing to put them first, You're choosing to take
(38:44):
their side. And I don't get that. I don't get
that luxury. I'm out here. You're treating me like the son.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
You're treating me like the nigga that need to go
get a job and do right by themselves. But they don't.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
They're like pristine white women. That's how you're treating them.
M Like they need to be coddled right and protected.
Speaker 1 (39:11):
But I'm good, I'm fine, right. Meanwhile, I'm fucked up,
hell with it.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
I'm a whole female out here. I'm a whole woman,
a lady, and I'm not okay. And I don't get
the benefit of the doubt. I don't get it like
a hug, I don't get it. I'm so sorry. I
don't get a protection from my father. I don't get
any of that. I just get ignored about it. Right,
(39:45):
And we get to just fucking move on and they
get to have their wives and they get to live
their life, and it's just infuriating, right, I'm saying this
on the podcast, but a bitch is mad.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
Nah, I really feel you're not. I really hated know
nobody was there for you, man. I know, I really
can't take that, huh. I'm not the only one, no,
I know. And it really bothers me when I hear
stories about kids just being harm and nobody just protecting
us when we need it. It's very very unfortunate, very sad. Yeah,
(40:23):
I'm getting emotional because I really hate when like, because
you know, we make we don't make fun of people
who be out on the streets and stuff like that,
but you know, from the hood, so we crack a
little jokes here and there, but like, you just really
don't know what people going through or how they got
to where they at and a lot of people, you know,
certain things being sexually abused or being physically abused, And
she's like that that shit would really break people. Some
(40:44):
people are not built to stand and set the time
of that shit. Honestly, they're not. They're not very heartbreaking.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
It is heartbreaking, and you know, and some people they
find you know, I've been watching a lot of drug
documentaries ever since I decided to take lexapro and some
stuff to help with my anxiety.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
I don't get attached to nothing. I don't want to
get addicted to nothing.
Speaker 3 (41:08):
I just want to see the worst of the worst
so that I can avoid it myself. So I've been
watching a lot of drug bocks, and I'm like, man,
it's so easy to just say yes to like one thing,
and if it feels like it's what you've been looking for,
it's over you and you can't get sick, and so
you have to keep taking it. And you do like
(41:29):
the high, but you also can't get sick, so you
just keep taking it over and over. It's really a
downhill battle. Yeah, fact, yeah, So what is your relationship
like with your sister now? Like, does she know about
your experience? My sister knows about my experience, but she
cut everybody off in the family, right, But my sister
(41:51):
does crack, and so you know, even if she I
don't think that she doesn't love me anymore. But I
don't think she wants me to see her in the
state that she's in. So I think it's probably easier
for her to cut us off than to like let
us know where she's sad or what she's doing.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
She goes to jail.
Speaker 3 (42:12):
She's back and forth from jail in the mental hospital
kind of regularly. And honestly, when we would hear that
she's in jail, we feel better because at least we
know where she was right, right, But we haven't heard
from her in months. It's been like nine months. We
haven't heard anything from her. My daddy calling me like
(42:35):
did she call you? And no, she didn't call. No,
she said fuck you to me. So she's not trying
to talk to me because I told her. I told
her our parents are bad, but they're not that bad.
They just don't understand. I'm giving them grace. And she's like,
(42:55):
fuck that grace. Shit, she not here for the grades
study and she was like, oh, fuck that ship.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Fuck you do then, right, you know, nigga, don't you
hear for that great ship when things happen? Yeah, So
it was over after that. So what has your relationship
been like with men? With men, it's been.
Speaker 3 (43:25):
Like I have a I have I'm in a relationship
right now with the guy who's super sweet, and I realize,
like my dad, even though his protecting is a little
off by the little eye mean a lot right, the
way that he is with my mom influenced me, so
(43:46):
that whole being sweet to my mom, you know, being
there for her, always, just always willing to be there
for my mom. Like that type of man. I have
that type of boyfriend and we've been together for like
five years and he's just the sweetest, most gentle human
(44:08):
being ever. And so you know, sometimes, you know, sometimes
the good stuff does transfer, and I think that's one
of those things that transferred for me. So as far
as with men, I do. I am in a good
relationship with the guy, but sexually I still struggle, right, I.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
Still struggle with him.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
Since I love him so much, it's hard for me
to want to have sex because I feel like people
I love I shouldn't be having sex with. It's like
a subconscious thing that's like, no, like I actually love you,
so no we shouldn't.
Speaker 1 (44:46):
We're not supposed to. No, You're like you're like family.
Speaker 3 (44:50):
Now, No, we're not supposed to, you know, And so
that subconscious shit is weird.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
But that's kind of the only thing, because you know, like.
Speaker 3 (45:03):
I get horn I get horny for a lot of
different dudes. So there's a whore in me, there's a
hole in me.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
I think that's a hole in all of us that
everybody nobody.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
Is that the trauma?
Speaker 1 (45:18):
Or am I horning? Because I've been old horny a
lot too. So look at this was like, oh, yeah,
I've been seeing some guys. I said, Oh, I said
where he come from?
Speaker 3 (45:32):
Yeah, so relationships with dudes like but it took a
long time, and took until I was thirty years old
two or twenty nine, twenty nine years old to like
find somebody that makes sense. But I would protect myself
in my twenties where like, if I had a one
night stand, I wouldn't allow them to ghost me. I
(45:54):
ghost them, right, I'd be like, dud, don't nobody need you.
I was like a city girl before city girls was popular, Like, bitch,
I'm a city girl minus.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
The money and the purses. It shut up for real,
Like I missed the part where you're supposed to get paid.
But so wait, so what those family gatherings look like?
Oh do you even go out to see your family?
Because oh, yeah, no, I don't be going home. I'm
(46:27):
go Last time you spoke to him, it's been at
least three years.
Speaker 3 (46:32):
Oh that's not the recent, Yeah, that's it's pretty recent.
Only because like I had to. I think we were
looking for my sister at the time, so like I
had to. I remember, I went home like I ran home. Uh,
I was in I was in where I was born,
(46:53):
visiting my parents. And then my parents said my brother
was on his way over.
Speaker 1 (46:58):
And then I lied.
Speaker 3 (47:00):
I said, oh, that my plane is coming now. I
thought it was at this time, but it's at this time.
Speaker 1 (47:08):
I gotta go now, and they were like, oh oh,
and they took me to the to the airport. Girl,
do you know I had slept in the airport until
my real plane came. That's how much I didn't want
to see him.
Speaker 3 (47:22):
So like, yeah, I don't have any relationship with my brothers,
neither of them or their wives, my niece and nephew.
I text them because it's not their fault, you know.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
But do you fear for them? Do I what do
you fear for them? Like, do you feel like something's
gonna happen to them my niece and nephew, Yeah, from
your brothers. I don't, but only because I never thought
(47:55):
about that. Wow, yeah, I can tell yeah, I never
thought about that. But that's like their right.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
I hope nothing, and I you know, and I always
tell my little niece. I'm like, and I should tell
my nephew this too, And I think I did tell
him this, but I mostly told my little niece, like,
you can tell me anything. You can talk to me
about anything that's going on in your life, don't hesitate,
you can call me. She's a little nerd right now.
(48:30):
It's like she might need to get older before she
call her little black aunt.
Speaker 1 (48:34):
Oh that's like she mixed.
Speaker 3 (48:36):
She's yeah, she's mixed, and so like her white side
is highly influenced in her right now. And I'm like,
it's something traumatic might have to happen before she called
her black aunt. Girl, you know what happened to me
start talking black all of a sudden.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
But you have a fair question. Wow, yeah, I'm surprised
you never thought about that. I never thought about that.
I think, like, I just hope not, like please God, right,
I really just hope not. So at this point, do
you even want an apology from your brother? It would
(49:14):
be nice.
Speaker 3 (49:16):
I would like some acknowledgment in an apology as an adult.
You know we're adults now, so you can find the words.
You're not stupid, stupid?
Speaker 1 (49:26):
You stupid?
Speaker 3 (49:27):
Right, But you're not, you know, a dumb ass. You
got a job, so you can find the words. But
you it's like it was easier for him to just
decide to just cut all ties. So it's like, okay, well,
I'm the queen of cutting ties, right, I'm the queen
(49:49):
at it. So if you really don't want to, we
ain't ever got to, but it. You know, all you
have to do is apologize.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
Even if you don't get an apology, have you forgiving him? No,
not yet, And I'm working on like I'm working on that.
Actually I'm not. I'm not working on that at all.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You gotta
do it in your own time, when you're ready. Okay,
(50:20):
I'm figuring maybe it'll happen. I don't know, not happening
right now. And last, not least, do you want to
have a relationship with him? And if so, what does
that relationship look like?
Speaker 3 (50:35):
It would probably look like it did when we were
ignoring get as kids, and it was like a fun relationship,
Like it was fun and everybody was always having fun
and laughing and talking and it was creative making music
writing stuff, you know, that type of stuff, like we
were having fun when we were ignoring it. But I
(50:55):
was a kid ignoring it, and now I'm fully developed
brained adult. No way that I'm ignoring that, you know.
So I think they just weren't anticipating us becoming women, Yeah,
right and thinking for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (51:18):
Yeah, I want to ask you one more question because
I just just realized this. What were your thoughts on
R Kelly? And the reason why I'm asking I hate him? Well, no,
obviously that's obvious, right, But the reason why I'm asking
because what did you what did you What was your
thoughts when you heard that he was sexually molested and
(51:38):
stuff by his siblings? Yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 3 (51:44):
I really disliked R Kelly, Uh, really really badly, Like Ben,
It was when you know, I was on Facebook just
going in on R Kelly every post. I was just
going in on him because I felt like he was
getting over on touching young black girls, right, you know,
he wasn't getting any type of.
Speaker 1 (52:04):
Punishment for it. I don't think it's a it's a license.
Speaker 3 (52:08):
If you're like, I don't get to go and touch
kids now because of what happened to me, right, So
I have compassion for what happened to him, but I
don't give a fuck because it happened to me. So
that's the thing you were talking about, the whole trauma
thing of you know, they happened to me, So I
got over, won.
Speaker 1 (52:25):
Don't you Like?
Speaker 3 (52:26):
I kind of have a little bit of that too.
When it comes to harming other people, you don't get
to go and do that just because it happened to you.
That's not a license in my opinion. And you use
like your fame and your glory and all of that stuff,
you use that as well. And it's just to me like,
(52:49):
he doesn't get a pass. He doesn't get a pass
from me. Fuck that dude.
Speaker 1 (52:54):
Man.
Speaker 3 (52:55):
I can't stand that man, and I'm glad that he
got what he deserved. I don't listen to even a
little bit of R.
Speaker 1 (53:00):
Kelly music, and sometimes when I hear my friends listening
to it, I'd be like, yo, y'all are wow, because
it's wow. I'm listening to a man that was touching
girls that look like me and y'all got daughters. Honestly,
when people were able to do it, I'm like, Okay,
you know, go ahead and do it. I heard, you know,
Michael Jackson did some stuff and when they put on mic,
(53:22):
I still dance to mic. And so people have their things,
you know what I mean. But when it comes to R.
Speaker 3 (53:28):
Kelly, he doesn't get a pass from me because I
know that motherfucker you you it's just.
Speaker 1 (53:34):
Ill, just ill.
Speaker 3 (53:37):
You know, he gets no past for me. But it
does It does suck that he had to deal with that. Yes,
And I think he had a true hate for his mother.
He hated his mother. And I think he buried her
in like a a in like a This is what
I heard in an interview from like his brother said.
(53:57):
He buried her was w y'all, he was crazy, buried
her in a wooden box, didn't pay for no headstone,
buried her badly.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
And this is when he was rich.
Speaker 3 (54:12):
Okay, So he he has a hate for his mother
and probably for his family in general. Yeah, and it
is tainted and traumatized. Now that's a traumatized man. I
will say that.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
Damn.
Speaker 3 (54:26):
I will say that, you know. But you don't get
to do that though. You don't get to them go
and do that, fuck you, fuck you. You don't get
to them going nah nah, I want to slap the shit.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
I want to I leitn'tly get so upset. Nah, I'm
the same way I feel you like I think you
said it perfectly, Like I definitely have compassion for what
he'd been through, but I would not accept the things
he'd done to these little girls. No, can't, absolutely not.
It's not there's no excuse for that. There's no excuse
(55:03):
for that. You don't get to do that. You don't
get to do that. You should have broke the curse.
That was your job.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
And if you don't make the curse, I don't care
if you're I don't give a fuck who you are.
Speaker 1 (55:14):
You don't have to be R Kelly. I'm gonna feel
the same way about you no matter who you are. Right, Well,
I appreciate you for coming on the show and sharing
your story. I'm so happy that we got to finally
meet in person, and I'm pretty sure this friendship is
going to continue to grow. So thank you so much,
and I'm super proud of you. I know we want
(55:35):
to keep this anuonymous. I'm not gonna say too much
about what you do, but you know, I am a fan.
Speaker 3 (55:43):
Thank you so much for having me, and you know,
definitely like I was happy about going to brunch with
you because I'm like, I really want to be her friend.
Speaker 1 (55:52):
I want to be her friend for real. I feel
like she's so cool and you remind me of me.
Speaker 3 (55:57):
And I don't think I knew you were in Aquarius,
and now I know why.
Speaker 1 (56:02):
Because we was key here for at least like what
three hours, four hours you.
Speaker 3 (56:06):
Were and the time was just flying by, you know,
So it was really fun and you know, definitely definitely
gonna be bringing.
Speaker 1 (56:14):
Yes and to our listeners if you have any questions,
comings with concerns. So you just want to say hey girl, hey,
please make sure to email me at hello at the
PHG podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone, later,
you're not gonna say bye, oh bye bye, y'all. The
(56:40):
Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black Effect
podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you
can connect with me on social media at the PHG
Podcast
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is a vice. Hey,
professional homegirls, it is your girl ebine here and I
hope all is cute. Now we are back with a
(00:21):
PHG rewind episode, and as we close out this mental
health awareness series, I am bringing it back to one
of my most unforgettable conversations from the PHG archives. Okay,
now let me tell y'all how this episode came to be.
So maybe like three or four years ago, I was
invited to La by Mary, but she is a friend
(00:43):
to the show and she is also the daughter of
the legendary Florence Griffin Joyner that is correct aka also
known as flow Joe. Okay, so she invited me to
attend the premiere of the documentary that she created about
her mom, and y'all, it was such a full circle
moment because if you haven't listened to that episode, please
make sure to check it out. But I share with
(01:05):
Mary how much I was so obsessed with her mom
when I was growing up. And now listen, I am
not no runner, I ain't no track star, but I
just thought that her mom, Flow Joe, was just so
fly like. She used to just have the outfits with
the long nails, the laid hair, and the beat face,
and like, I just thought that she was just the
epitome of black beauty, right, So just imagine how it
(01:28):
felt to be in the same space with her family
and just to be able to, you know, get behind
the scenes and interact with people who really knew and
loved her dearly. So once the event was overwhel I'm like,
you know what, I'm in the la Let me kill
two birds with one stone and let me just hit
up some ig friends that you know, I never get
to see besides on Instagram. So I hit up one
(01:51):
of my homegirls, and you know, we decided to link
up for lunch. And I was super excited because we
always like ki Keen and our dms, sharing memes all
that other good stuff. So we went to lunch and
it was a really, really cute time. Right. So in
the midst of us Kikian, you know, she just casually
mentioned that she had been molested by her brother. And
I ain't gonna hold you when I tell y'all that
(02:13):
called me off guard, like the way I almost choked
my damn crab sandwich, because I don't know, it's not
because she said it or what she said, But I
think it was more so just how calm she said it,
you know, like, oh, like a as a matter of fact.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Type of energy.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
You know. So, as she continued to share her story
with me, you know, I asked would she be open
to sharing it with y'all, and she agreed. She opens
up about her relationship with each family member, her parents' reaction,
and the many ways this experience shaped her. So get ready,
(02:46):
because I was molested by my brother starts now. So
before we get to your story, I want to get
your opinion on some things. First, do you feel like
siblings sexual beauty is often less discussed than any other
types of family violence, And if so, why.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
You know, Like, I really couldn't answer that, because I
don't know what's going on in everybody's family, you know
what I'm saying, Like, and I know a lot of
I know a lot of girls who have been touched
by like their stepfathers, people like that, But you rarely
hear anyone talk about being touched by their actual father.
But you know that that happens as well, So, but
(03:28):
that's more hidden, you know what I'm saying. So I
think like stepbrothers, stepsisters, you know what I mean, like aunts, uncles.
I think people are a little bit more open about
talking about sexual abuse, but when it's in the main family,
I think people are a little less likely to talk
about it openly, right because it's embarrassing.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, definitely in the shame and the guilt. Mm hmm. Yeah,
what would you say, are some signs of sexual abuse
and stif blims?
Speaker 3 (04:02):
I don't, you know, Like I wish I was like
well versed in that because I'm still like deep in
the trauma of it. Like I'm a grown ass woman,
still deep in the trauma, you know, trying to fight
off alcoholism and all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
So as far as the.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
Signs, like, I really wouldn't know, but it has kept me.
I would say it has kept me from having my
own children because I'm I don't feel like I'm well
balanced enough.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I'm such a millennial. Millennials were so much smarter than
our parents, Like, you know, the generation before us was
like have a bounce, fucked up, Let me have a
baby six or seven, fuck them up too.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
I don't know, I just want to see a thing
that looks like me, right, So, like I just feel like,
definitely don't want to like have kids and have this
in me where I think, like just because I put
them in the same room, like something it's gonna happen,
or I'm thinking something is happening, like I don't want
to put them in that situation or myself in that situation,
(05:07):
you know. So the signs are like the signs for
like having trauma and.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Like I think I should leave that up to doctors
and people who really can see what's going on there.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Because I just got into doing therapy.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
I just start taking medication for you know, for some
really bad anxiety that like left me, you know, unable
to like even drive a car or just like live
a normal fucking life, you know what I'm saying. So
I couldn't tell you the signs, but just for that shit.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
If you're a parent, look for that. Look for that,
don't ignore it, and don't act like your son is
above it, right because a boy is a boy.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
M hm. You know, I really commend you for saying.
One of the reasons why you are you don't want
to have kids, are you're thinking about not having kids
because you're afraid that it might be in you. And
I feel like a lot of people feel that way,
but they don't voice it. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
Yeah, I mean honestly, I feel like I need to
be dealing with that more than I need to bring
you know, anything into this world, any offspring or you know,
children into this world. That's not my priority. My priority
is to like heal myself. And people are so selfish,
and I'm like, I think that's the least selfish thing
(06:30):
you can do, is to heal yourself before you start
having kids. You know, you don't want to put that
off into another another human being. They have to grow
up too, you know what I'm saying. And above you
being able to provide financially, you have to be able
to raise them to be like, you know, an adult
(06:51):
that can handle life. And unfortunately, I don't think that
most people know what the fuck they're doing.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Just in general, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Well, it's not I'm not you know, I'm not saying that,
you know, everything is perfect if you get yourself together,
but they'll be better off.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
They'll be better off, right. Do you think there are
ways that people can prevent this from happening? Or is
it hard to say? Rights? Hard to say, like you
gotta talk.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
You know, like I grew up in a highly religious
family and the religion kind of took over everything else,
and there wasn't any real talking. We didn't sit down
and have conversations about what could happen or what's going on.
It wasn't, you know, it wasn't There wasn't any openness
(07:52):
about sex because we were so religious, and I think
that that's harmful, honestly. I don't know about you know,
like just coming from a religious family. I know that
there there's a girl that you know, she was kind
of in the same situation as me, and we were younger,
and I don't know how old I was. I had
(08:14):
to be like ten or something, ten or eleven, and
I remember telling her what was going on. I remember
her telling me what was going on in her household
and we both come from like heavily Christian households, and
her brothers were touching her and molesting her.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Well made me tell you.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I don't know till this day, to this day, but
I told her, I was like, the same thing is
happening to me, And I just couldn't believe what she
was saying to me. I was like, really, like I thought.
I thought I was the only one. So I you know,
first of all, I felt alone. I didn't even know my.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Sister was going through it. I had no idea my
sister was going through it.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
And so you know, my sister right now, she's dealing
with bipolar disorder and she's on the streets. She's on
crack cocaine. You know, she's on that. She's on that
real shit. It people don't and not everyone deals with
something that serious the same.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Oh yeah, for sure, No, for sure the same.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
So I don't know how I got on that, but yeah,
just the just having a conversation and don't act like
sex is so dirty, because I think it goes the
other way in a family.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
You know, if you go the way where you where
you're teaching.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Kids that sex is this and that, and they're not
learning properly that you like, it's natural and it's normal
and it's something that you should be having with someone
that you love, and we're not talking about it openly.
I think that it becomes a hidden thing. I think
it becomes hidden fetishes and porn, And I was looking
(09:56):
at porn. I know, I was looking at porn a
lot as a kid, and only because it's like that
was the way I learned about sex.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Right.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Even when I got my period, it wasn't discussed. I
got it too early. I was like eight years old.
I got my period.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
It's too early.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
So just being an early developer as a child, like
I think that has to do with being molested. I
don't know if there's any connection. You know, don't listen
to me, people, I am not a license nothing.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
All right, No, but I and before you continue, because
I know this has got to be pretty difficult for
you to share your story. But I did say I
want to say thank you again. I told you just
movies at lunch because I do feel like this conversation
is not happening enough because unfortunately a lot of people
can relate to this.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
Yeah, a lot of people. And it doesn't matter the race,
but I noticed that or the gender or the gender,
it really doesn't matter. But I noticed that, like people
don't like to talk about when it's immediate family members.
Yet family members. I noticed that it is something that
isn't is rarely talked about. And I think it's because
(11:09):
even the victim feels shame. Even victim feels like I
mean I'm not speaking for every victim, but even I
feel like.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Nasty, you know what I mean, Like I don't feel
good about it.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
But it's like I was a kid, and when I
look back, it's like he was a kid too, but
he was.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
A lot older than me.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Right, So that's you just have to make sure that
the siblings understand what sex is and where it should
be right, which is outside of the home, off of
your sibling, your girl's sibling, right, or your boy's sibling.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Do you know if sexual abuse runs in your family.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
I think my mom went through it. She wouldn't tell
me who did it to her. She's like that's another thing,
like right, like talk to your kids, like talk to people.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
That's what I feel like Millennials like where we have
learned that, like it's proper to have a conversation about
things when even if it's hard, because that's the only
way to deal with anything.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
And that all this hidden secret bullshit like it brings
about more trauma, just more and more trauma.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
And I'm not saying every millennial knows how to have
a conversation. There are plenty of girls my age and
younger who avoid everything right and act like nothing's happening.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
And not happening. Girl, we go we're chilling, No, we're
not chilling.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
People traumatized, right, traumatized you know. So like the sexual abuse,
like that's no joke, and it's no joke when it
happens to you, especially as a young kid with half
of a fucking brain, right, you're not developed enough to
understand what's going on. Like I just now, I'm just
(13:16):
now experiencing sex that is pleasurable to me and sex
that I know is proper, rather than me feeling like
I have to give something up, right, because that's what
it was for years For me. It wasn't like, oh,
I'm having a sexual experience because I want to.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
It was like I have to mm hmm. That's directly
rooted in what I went through, right. You know, how
many siblings do you have and what was your relationship
like with them? I have. I have four siblings and
we're super tight.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Is like close growing up, I don't know how to
say certain things without putting my identity out there.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
We were clothes.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
We were like like a gospel Jackson five and we
you know, I work in the art world, and so
that's what we did, we would sing and but it
was gospel. And my mom is a professional musician and
(14:31):
singer writer, musician, and she used to work for our Green.
That's probably not a good thing to say, but whatever, right,
A lot of people used to work Power Green.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Yeah, just five motherfuckers. I think my mom was one
of them.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
But anyway, Yeah, so I grew up in a very
musical world, you know what I mean but that, but
you know, also like this is someone who's a musician,
and a lot of musicians.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Are fucked up. You know, a lot of medians are
fucked up.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
A lot of people who I just know personally get
locked up in the art world. And so I was
raised by somebody who I love very much but probably
wasn't well and it kind of just bleeds into the family.
When the matriarch, you know, well.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
What about your dad he's it was like he was like,
I mean he is, like he's a pastor. Oh I
didn't know that.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
But he's also willing to do anything for my mom.
So my mom is like the king mm if that
makes sense, right, Dad is like, we're doing this because
Mama wants to do this, right, So she she's everything she's.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
You know, the alpha and Omega honestly.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
Right, Mary for over forty years and just kept that
type of relationship. And you know, as a feminist, I'm like, yeah,
go ahead, But as a daughter, I'm like, oh, so, how.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Old were you when your brother began to molest you?
Speaker 3 (16:47):
I don't even know how old I was, Like, I
don't because I only remember when I was like around
eight years old.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
But I feel like it probably happened earlier.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
But I don't remember those earlier years because I just
be spoken so much weed now as gets so high.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
So it's I try I.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
Think, like subconsciously, I'm trying to erase memories. Well, you
know that's a thing too, because I had my childhood
was very traumatic and it's just a mental block, like
you try to forget certain things and then you actually
end up forgetting until something triggered you to remember.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So that's very common exactly.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
So, yeah, there's certain dramatic moments that like I'll never forget,
that won't leave my mind. But I couldn't tell you
the first time it started happening.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
How old was he? Well, how much older is he?
He's eight years older than me. Oh so he's a
he was a teenager. Yeah, he's a teenager. Mmmm. That
was a little I was like a baby girl. So
do you remember the first time it happened. The reason
why I'm asking is like, do you remember any signs
(17:57):
that he displayed before he was I don't remember any signs.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
What I do remember is that, like around the age
of eight, I would do normal stuff, Like I remember
we were having like a barbecue and we were all
in the living room and I was like, I had
on these little pink shorts and it was my favorite shorts.
And I'm like, I remember my innocence being taken away
(18:27):
because and this had nothing to do with my brother,
but this is when I remember like I was a
sexual being to people because I was playing and I
had sitting I sat Indian style, and I was like
playing with something in my hands, and my dad said
out loud where everybody could hear, close your legs, and
(18:50):
I was like, oh, okay, So I closed my legs
and it was the first time I was like, are
people looking in between my legs?
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Like hey, what the hell?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Like it was perplexing because I was a little girl,
so I wasn't thinking about anyone looking in between my legs, right,
you know now as an adult, like if I if
I play Indian Style, I want nigga.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
To looking between my legs, looking between my legs. I
wore these shorts for a reason. I was a little girl,
so I didn't understand, but I will always.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Remember how it made me feel like people want to
touch me below, people want to whoa.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Like sex became introduced to me. Mmm, So how long
did it continue to happen for? How many years?
Speaker 3 (19:51):
It happened until I was probably until I was like
probably twelve mm, probably twelve maybe thirteen was the last
time when it was like I was just getting too
old and I was starting to defend myself, and you
(20:12):
know what I mean, It wasn't cute no more.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
I was like I was getting muscles and shit, I
was pushing back. Yeah, you was protecting meself. I was
protecting myself and so yeah, I think I was around
like it felt like it happened my entire childhood. But
by the time I was a teenager, it wasn't happening.
(20:34):
But I had already been fucked up, right, you know
what I mean, Like, now I'm a teenager and I'm
in high school. That means he's an average black girl.
That means he's grown at this point. He's at this.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Point, right, and he gets the stereotypical LFE skinned girl.
And it's like it's another thing, like I'm dealing with
like my brothers, who one of them married a white girl,
so the other one married like the phenal type of
like what they feel is a dying piece, you know
what I mean, light skinned girl, hair, skinny, you know
(21:11):
what I'm saying, Like that type of two thousand and two.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Right right outline of a woman.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
That every black man put on a pedestal and still do.
She represented that. So it felt like I was a secret.
Just I was a secret not only to my brothers
but to like every man. So I was already fucked up.
(21:37):
And to know what's happening to my sister. It happened
to my sister by both.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Of my brothers.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
And I don't want to tell her story, right, but
both of my brothers did it to my sister, both
my older brothers, and.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
So oh go ahead, no, go ahead, no, yeah, I
definitely I did have a question about that, but not
to go too deep into her story because that is
her story. But before I asked you that question, did
you tell your parents?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
I was grown when I was twenty six, twenty five,
might have been twenty five. I was twenty five when
I told my parents, which wasn't long ago.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
And I don't know. I think my mom kind of panicked.
She started saying, what was wrong with they own drugs?
What was wrong with them? I can't believe that that's
you know.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
She started speaking about it like it was something to
be spoken about in a normal way right first, and
then we never spoke about it again. And then it
pissed me off that we didn't speak.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
About it again.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
And so maybe like three years after that, I brought
it up again and I said, you know, I have
I have vovaldinia.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Vovaldinia is something that women.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Sometimes women will get pains in their vaginal area because
I couldn't never wear tampons, and I was like, why
can't I wear tamp It hurts for me to wear
a tampon.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
What's wrong with me?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
And it was because I had that, And it's like basically,
your your vaginal muscles trying to protect you from entrance.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
For that. Because at my homegirl she was on the
show and she was talking about how sex. It's painful
to have sex, so we're just talking about it and
we having a conversation and make a long story short.
She later disclosed to me that she was sexually abused,
and now we did I'm doing research because I'm like, wait,
(23:38):
like I want you to bust or nothing, like why
you can't have sex? Right, So when she told me
that we started doing research, I'm like, it's probably because
of what happened to you at a younger age and
your body is rejecting it. And then that's how we
found out about it. Yep.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
Yeah, And I had a racist obg yn tell me
I had to write a whole letter and everything with
her racist sad but she told me, she told me
very in a way that was like very She didn't
consider my feelings at all.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
She told me like it was just normal and that's
not a normal thing to happen. I really cut my
eyes out.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
I cried my eyes out that I had to deal
with something like that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
And this was in twenty twenty, bitch, Like this was
in twenty twenty, right, Like this stuff is just happening
for me. So yeah, yeah, that trauma is nothing to
mess with.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
It's really like something that's very serious. You can't take
it lightly. When I did tell my mom, I could
tell that she had gone through a lot too sexually,
because she wrote back that I needed to grow up.
What would happen if I were to say anything? What
would happen if the you know, my oldest brother's kids
(24:57):
were to find out what happened, Like they wouldn't look
at him as their hero anymore? Why would you want
that for your brother?
Speaker 1 (25:07):
That type? And what about me?
Speaker 3 (25:11):
It was never a you know? And it's like she
put she poured out a big like I'm sorry, you know,
Like finally, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do.
I don't know what to say. And I'm like, that's
the most honest thing you could have said, right. I
could have just said that, right?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
What did your dad say?
Speaker 3 (25:32):
My dad has not said anything till this day, girl,
And he knows about it, But he hasn't said anything
till this day.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
I don't think he knows what to say either. I'm
not holding it against him that they don't know what
to say. But let me tell you something.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
I still can't have normal conversations with my parents because
I'm smart, I'm not like a I'm not a dummy,
I'm not oblivious, and so it's hard for me to
be like.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Yeah, it's like like nothing, elpn, y'all, let's.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Party, let's I'm the most logical bitch on earth. And
that type of stuff to me is like, I'm not
gonna I'm gonna query it.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
I'm not finna sit with you and eat with you
and act like you can't have that. We can't fake,
I don't care how hard we try. It is the
most uncomfortable thing ever. It's hell for us to fake it.
It is really hell. It is really hell. And so
I'm like, I'm not gonna fake with y'all. And I
love you.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
And when I do call you and I tell you
that I love you, but I can't stay on the
phone with you long like I think the last time
we stayed on the phone like an hour and that
was the longest, but we weren't talking about anything really substantial, right,
very surface level, which I appreciated on their part, right,
but it was like, yeah, I can't fake, and it's
(26:53):
just very hard for me to do. So, yeah, I'm
not like someone who can just put that behind me.
Is never gonna be behind me, right, So yeah, I'm
still currently going through that.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Do you think the reason why they don't want to
admit to it is because they feel like it would
make them look bad?
Speaker 3 (27:12):
Yeah, I think they felt I think they probably already
think they looked bad. Right, They probably already think that
they did a bad job or right. I think parents
go straight to like what could I have done to
maybe prevent this? Like what did I do wrong? But
they still not willing to learn nothing though, right, you know,
saying if I say, my mom mentioned that, you know,
(27:35):
something happened to her when she was fifteen years old.
She was out here in California and some stranger she said,
had raped her and she said there was blood and
he had a gun and all this stuff happened. And
the only reason why he let her go is because
she said her pastor was James Cleveland and she was
(27:58):
going to church to play she had to play for
the choir.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
And he let it go.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
And I'm like, you never went to talk to nobody
about that. You carried that trauma with you, and I know,
like back in the day, y'all didn't know like you're
supposed to talk about things. I understand that, but you
should know now, and you should know that you have
like a thirty plus year old daughter who's living on
(28:25):
her own, who's not a fucking dummy and tell you, hey,
maybe you should talk about it, and you still view
me as someone who's not smart enough.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
To let you know that maybe you should talk about it.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
So our relationship is suffering because of this, right, you know,
like my sister's going off the deep end, and so
you would think like maybe you know what I mean,
You would think they would be like, well, maybe I should.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Get some therapy. I don't know, maybe Jesus can't be
my therapist, right, you know, I had it before. I
had another conversation before we started our conversation, And this
lady been through so much shit, like she been raped
and beating so many times so she can't even count.
So she's a trauma expert and she traveled all around
(29:16):
the world to teach people more about trauma because people
sometimes mistake trauma for mental disorders but not understand that
trauma can lead to mental disorders. Yes, and I asked
her this question. I'm gonna ask you you do you
think that people are desensitized when it comes to trauma
because since they've been through it and survived social youth. Yeah,
(29:39):
I think that most people don't understand.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Like even now, I have a boyfriend who you know,
I have a boyfriend who he grew up in a
situation where his parents were selling dope, and he acts
like everything it was fine, it was cool. It was
like it was fine. It was like your parents were selling.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Dope, right, Like that's not normal, that's not.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
Nor you think, so you have no trauma branching from that,
or like the fact that your dad was there but
he didn't raise you, Like he was just there, but
he didn't raise you though, Like you know what I'm saying,
there's a lot there, But he doesn't think that he
has any trauma. He smokes a lot of weed though
he smokes a shit little weed. And so it's like,
(30:33):
I think people don't even know they have.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
It because they think it's so normal because they in
this space for so long that they think that, yeah,
it's just it's just normal that I drink this much
every day. It's just normal that, like I need to
have sex the way I need to have sex, Like
it's just normal.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
That's I have a healthy appetite for like, but you
never really sat down and thought, why do I have
a healthy appetite for I have an abnormal appetite for Dick?
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Why? Right? No, it's true, and people are not even
knowing that they're using that as a escape mechanism.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
I think balance is the key, Like, you just want
to be balanced, right, Why to be balanced as possible,
even though it's like you know, it's really hard.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
I don't even know if it's possible. I don't know
anyone who's perfectly balanced. Yeah, I don't think nobody's perfectly balanced.
You want to get as close as possible, for sure,
for sure, but it definitely does take a lot of work,
especially with everything that we've been through it trying to
figure out with no fucking blueprint and with no money, Okay,
just like in debt. Right? Yeah, besides your friend, did
(31:51):
you tell anyone else about this? When I was younger,
I used to just tell everybody because I didn't know
how to deal with it.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
All my friends, you know what happened to me? Right,
I couldn't hold water. I just but I would never
say it was my brother. I would always say it
was my uncle. I would say it was my uncle,
and yeah, I would never say it was my brother
because I didn't want people to to start looking at
me weird, or if they were to ever meet my brother,
(32:20):
look at him weird, right then it would make me
feel weird. You know what I'm saying, Like you understanding
what's going on at the time, so it's even more confusion.
It's even more confusion. So like, but like I was
acting out. I was acting out. Even in middle school,
I was acting out a lot by lying. I would
lie so much, like it just made me feel better.
(32:44):
I would like, now I'm a writer, you know, Like
I learned how to put all those lies on a
script and you know, make up worlds on a script
rather than in real life. But in high school, I
used to lie to my friends and it would make
me feel better because they always thought I was like,
oh wow, not a man, hell of a storyteller.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Oh my god, professional now you know man. So it's
like people really really look.
Speaker 3 (33:13):
Forward to like what I had to say the next
day about the boy that I was with.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
And I would never be with that boy. That boy
didn't even know I liked him, you know what I'm saying.
I would lie about boys you were bad.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
I was acting out and like now it's it's you know,
I'm so glad that I grew out of it.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Is like a growing pain thing that I'm glad I
grew out of that. Or you could look at it
as something that you use to protect yourself is also
what you use to make money. Yeah, moment, it is
a full circle moment. But you know you have to
learn how to you know, direct that stuff direct. Oh
(33:51):
you don't. You're lying on people and then you know
what I mean, and that's gonna come back to you.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
But if you direct that into the right energy, it
can make something, you know, beautiful, right right. But I
was just lying on niggas and I wasn't saying nobody
was raping me or nothing that was too far.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
But like I was a soap opera good at it.
So you definitely mentioned earlier that the same brother that
molested you also raped up sister with your other brother.
How did you find out about this, Well, because my
mom told me. She said, I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
Yeah, So the reason why I told my mom is
because my sister told my mom. And it was around
the time that my sister started going missing, and oh
she my sister's two years older than me. Wow, so
she you know, I don't know when she started getting
molested by my older brother.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
But then I remember the oldest brother.
Speaker 3 (34:56):
This is something I remembered distinctively. I was in a room.
It was my bedroom at the time. I think I
was in either my bedroom or my sister's bedroom. And
I remember I was young. This is when I was
getting lested by my other brother. I remember my oldest
brother came old. He's he's like forty five right now.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
Also, he was way older than you. I was a
lot older. Yeah, he's like older older. So he came
into the room and I remember him standing in a
corner and looking at me really weird. But he just kept.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
Looking at me, and he wasn't doing anything, and he
was super high. He was on some drugs, my mom
not wrong, like he was on something, and he was
just standing there and he was staring at me, and
I just finally started I started yelling at my mom's name,
and it scared him and it spooked him and he
ran out, and I was like, was he gonna do
it to me too? I was like very confused. I
(35:51):
didn't know what the fuck was going on. So then
when my mom said that when I was when I
was twenty six, I was like.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
I remember that one time where I thought, did he
just try to do the same shit to me? Like
I was very confused. So I'm like, so, what is
going on? You know, and like did my older brother
touch my younger brother? Which other like I didn't.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
I still to this day don't really know what the
fuck was going on. I only know what was going
on from my perspective what happened to me.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Right, But everybody mom to tell you like like she
just told her, Oh, because this happened to your sister,
Like well, because because she said, well she brought it
up first.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
She was like, your sister said that you know soul
and soul was messing with them molested in her said he.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
She didn't use the word rape.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
She just said was touching her and doing some nasty
stuff with the you know, she old school. So I
was like, well, I just want to say he did
the same thing to me, and I didn't want to
leave her hanging. You know, I'm twenty six. I was like, crazy,
I'm a feminist. I was like, no, braw Wednesday, like
(37:09):
that type of feminist, right, So I was like, yeah,
he did the same thing to me too. I couldn't
wait to tell her, and she was like, she said uh,
and she said so and so to you too, because
she said both of them did.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
It to her. And I said really, so.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
I didn't know, but how do you feel?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
And I'm asking this question respectfully, like I don't know.
I can see why this is why, this why your
relationship is a little strained with your mom, because it's
just no way that you know that somebody's touching your babies,
regardless of who it is. And like.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
I just like I wrote her, my sister is mean,
like my sister has my polar disorder.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
But can you blame her? Though I don't blame her
at all.
Speaker 3 (38:03):
I don't, but the type of letters she was send
by email to my parents were awful. I'd be like,
the way you're talking to our parents is crazy boo,
Like I get it, but come on now.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
But then it led me to write a letter because
I was like, well, I gotta write something too, because
y'all really don't get it.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
But I wasn't quite as like vicious about it because
I have more in my mind. So you know, I
wrote something to my mom, and I said, it's a
shame that you chose to protect the boys over the girls, right,
because that's what you did. You're choosing to protect them,
you're choosing to put them first, You're choosing to take
(38:44):
their side. And I don't get that. I don't get
that luxury. I'm out here. You're treating me like the son.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
You're treating me like the nigga that need to go
get a job and do right by themselves. But they don't.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
They're like pristine white women. That's how you're treating them.
M Like they need to be coddled right and protected.
Speaker 1 (39:11):
But I'm good, I'm fine, right. Meanwhile, I'm fucked up,
hell with it.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
I'm a whole female out here. I'm a whole woman,
a lady, and I'm not okay. And I don't get
the benefit of the doubt. I don't get it like
a hug, I don't get it. I'm so sorry. I
don't get a protection from my father. I don't get
any of that. I just get ignored about it. Right,
(39:45):
And we get to just fucking move on and they
get to have their wives and they get to live
their life, and it's just infuriating, right, I'm saying this
on the podcast, but a bitch is mad.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
Nah, I really feel you're not. I really hated know
nobody was there for you, man. I know, I really
can't take that, huh. I'm not the only one, no,
I know. And it really bothers me when I hear
stories about kids just being harm and nobody just protecting
us when we need it. It's very very unfortunate, very sad. Yeah,
(40:23):
I'm getting emotional because I really hate when like, because
you know, we make we don't make fun of people
who be out on the streets and stuff like that,
but you know, from the hood, so we crack a
little jokes here and there, but like, you just really
don't know what people going through or how they got
to where they at and a lot of people, you know,
certain things being sexually abused or being physically abused, And
she's like that that shit would really break people. Some
(40:44):
people are not built to stand and set the time
of that shit. Honestly, they're not. They're not very heartbreaking.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
It is heartbreaking, and you know, and some people they
find you know, I've been watching a lot of drug
documentaries ever since I decided to take lexapro and some
stuff to help with my anxiety.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
I don't get attached to nothing. I don't want to
get addicted to nothing.
Speaker 3 (41:08):
I just want to see the worst of the worst
so that I can avoid it myself. So I've been
watching a lot of drug bocks, and I'm like, man,
it's so easy to just say yes to like one thing,
and if it feels like it's what you've been looking for,
it's over you and you can't get sick, and so
you have to keep taking it. And you do like
(41:29):
the high, but you also can't get sick, so you
just keep taking it over and over. It's really a
downhill battle. Yeah, fact, yeah, So what is your relationship
like with your sister now? Like, does she know about
your experience? My sister knows about my experience, but she
cut everybody off in the family, right, But my sister
(41:51):
does crack, and so you know, even if she I
don't think that she doesn't love me anymore. But I
don't think she wants me to see her in the
state that she's in. So I think it's probably easier
for her to cut us off than to like let
us know where she's sad or what she's doing.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
She goes to jail.
Speaker 3 (42:12):
She's back and forth from jail in the mental hospital
kind of regularly. And honestly, when we would hear that
she's in jail, we feel better because at least we
know where she was right, right, But we haven't heard
from her in months. It's been like nine months. We
haven't heard anything from her. My daddy calling me like
(42:35):
did she call you? And no, she didn't call. No,
she said fuck you to me. So she's not trying
to talk to me because I told her. I told
her our parents are bad, but they're not that bad.
They just don't understand. I'm giving them grace. And she's like,
(42:55):
fuck that grace. Shit, she not here for the grades
study and she was like, oh, fuck that ship.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Fuck you do then, right, you know, nigga, don't you
hear for that great ship when things happen? Yeah, So
it was over after that. So what has your relationship
been like with men? With men, it's been.
Speaker 3 (43:25):
Like I have a I have I'm in a relationship
right now with the guy who's super sweet, and I realize,
like my dad, even though his protecting is a little
off by the little eye mean a lot right, the
way that he is with my mom influenced me, so
(43:46):
that whole being sweet to my mom, you know, being
there for her, always, just always willing to be there
for my mom. Like that type of man. I have
that type of boyfriend and we've been together for like
five years and he's just the sweetest, most gentle human
(44:08):
being ever. And so you know, sometimes, you know, sometimes
the good stuff does transfer, and I think that's one
of those things that transferred for me. So as far
as with men, I do. I am in a good
relationship with the guy, but sexually I still struggle, right, I.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
Still struggle with him.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
Since I love him so much, it's hard for me
to want to have sex because I feel like people
I love I shouldn't be having sex with. It's like
a subconscious thing that's like, no, like I actually love you,
so no we shouldn't.
Speaker 1 (44:46):
We're not supposed to. No, You're like you're like family.
Speaker 3 (44:50):
Now, No, we're not supposed to, you know, And so
that subconscious shit is weird.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
But that's kind of the only thing, because you know, like.
Speaker 3 (45:03):
I get horn I get horny for a lot of
different dudes. So there's a whore in me, there's a
hole in me.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
I think that's a hole in all of us that
everybody nobody.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
Is that the trauma?
Speaker 1 (45:18):
Or am I horning? Because I've been old horny a
lot too. So look at this was like, oh, yeah,
I've been seeing some guys. I said, Oh, I said
where he come from?
Speaker 3 (45:32):
Yeah, so relationships with dudes like but it took a
long time, and took until I was thirty years old
two or twenty nine, twenty nine years old to like
find somebody that makes sense. But I would protect myself
in my twenties where like, if I had a one
night stand, I wouldn't allow them to ghost me. I
(45:54):
ghost them, right, I'd be like, dud, don't nobody need you.
I was like a city girl before city girls was popular, Like, bitch,
I'm a city girl minus.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
The money and the purses. It shut up for real,
Like I missed the part where you're supposed to get paid.
But so wait, so what those family gatherings look like?
Oh do you even go out to see your family?
Because oh, yeah, no, I don't be going home. I'm
(46:27):
go Last time you spoke to him, it's been at
least three years.
Speaker 3 (46:32):
Oh that's not the recent, Yeah, that's it's pretty recent.
Only because like I had to. I think we were
looking for my sister at the time, so like I
had to. I remember, I went home like I ran home. Uh,
I was in I was in where I was born,
(46:53):
visiting my parents. And then my parents said my brother
was on his way over.
Speaker 1 (46:58):
And then I lied.
Speaker 3 (47:00):
I said, oh, that my plane is coming now. I
thought it was at this time, but it's at this time.
Speaker 1 (47:08):
I gotta go now, and they were like, oh oh,
and they took me to the to the airport. Girl,
do you know I had slept in the airport until
my real plane came. That's how much I didn't want
to see him.
Speaker 3 (47:22):
So like, yeah, I don't have any relationship with my brothers,
neither of them or their wives, my niece and nephew.
I text them because it's not their fault, you know.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
But do you fear for them? Do I what do
you fear for them? Like, do you feel like something's
gonna happen to them my niece and nephew, Yeah, from
your brothers. I don't, but only because I never thought
(47:55):
about that. Wow, yeah, I can tell yeah, I never
thought about that. But that's like their right.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
I hope nothing, and I you know, and I always
tell my little niece. I'm like, and I should tell
my nephew this too, And I think I did tell
him this, but I mostly told my little niece, like,
you can tell me anything. You can talk to me
about anything that's going on in your life, don't hesitate,
you can call me. She's a little nerd right now.
(48:30):
It's like she might need to get older before she
call her little black aunt.
Speaker 1 (48:34):
Oh that's like she mixed.
Speaker 3 (48:36):
She's yeah, she's mixed, and so like her white side
is highly influenced in her right now. And I'm like,
it's something traumatic might have to happen before she called
her black aunt. Girl, you know what happened to me
start talking black all of a sudden.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
But you have a fair question. Wow, yeah, I'm surprised
you never thought about that. I never thought about that.
I think, like, I just hope not, like please God, right,
I really just hope not. So at this point, do
you even want an apology from your brother? It would
(49:14):
be nice.
Speaker 3 (49:16):
I would like some acknowledgment in an apology as an adult.
You know we're adults now, so you can find the words.
You're not stupid, stupid?
Speaker 1 (49:26):
You stupid?
Speaker 3 (49:27):
Right, But you're not, you know, a dumb ass. You
got a job, so you can find the words. But
you it's like it was easier for him to just
decide to just cut all ties. So it's like, okay, well,
I'm the queen of cutting ties, right, I'm the queen
(49:49):
at it. So if you really don't want to, we
ain't ever got to, but it. You know, all you
have to do is apologize.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
Even if you don't get an apology, have you forgiving him? No,
not yet, And I'm working on like I'm working on that.
Actually I'm not. I'm not working on that at all.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You gotta
do it in your own time, when you're ready. Okay,
(50:20):
I'm figuring maybe it'll happen. I don't know, not happening
right now. And last, not least, do you want to
have a relationship with him? And if so, what does
that relationship look like?
Speaker 3 (50:35):
It would probably look like it did when we were
ignoring get as kids, and it was like a fun relationship,
Like it was fun and everybody was always having fun
and laughing and talking and it was creative making music
writing stuff, you know, that type of stuff, like we
were having fun when we were ignoring it. But I
(50:55):
was a kid ignoring it, and now I'm fully developed
brained adult. No way that I'm ignoring that, you know.
So I think they just weren't anticipating us becoming women, Yeah,
right and thinking for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (51:18):
Yeah, I want to ask you one more question because
I just just realized this. What were your thoughts on
R Kelly? And the reason why I'm asking I hate him? Well, no,
obviously that's obvious, right, But the reason why I'm asking
because what did you what did you What was your
thoughts when you heard that he was sexually molested and
(51:38):
stuff by his siblings? Yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 3 (51:44):
I really disliked R Kelly, Uh, really really badly, Like Ben,
It was when you know, I was on Facebook just
going in on R Kelly every post. I was just
going in on him because I felt like he was
getting over on touching young black girls, right, you know,
he wasn't getting any type of.
Speaker 1 (52:04):
Punishment for it. I don't think it's a it's a license.
Speaker 3 (52:08):
If you're like, I don't get to go and touch
kids now because of what happened to me, right, So
I have compassion for what happened to him, but I
don't give a fuck because it happened to me. So
that's the thing you were talking about, the whole trauma
thing of you know, they happened to me, So I
got over, won.
Speaker 1 (52:25):
Don't you Like?
Speaker 3 (52:26):
I kind of have a little bit of that too.
When it comes to harming other people, you don't get
to go and do that just because it happened to you.
That's not a license in my opinion. And you use
like your fame and your glory and all of that stuff,
you use that as well. And it's just to me like,
(52:49):
he doesn't get a pass. He doesn't get a pass
from me. Fuck that dude.
Speaker 1 (52:54):
Man.
Speaker 3 (52:55):
I can't stand that man, and I'm glad that he
got what he deserved. I don't listen to even a
little bit of R.
Speaker 1 (53:00):
Kelly music, and sometimes when I hear my friends listening
to it, I'd be like, yo, y'all are wow, because
it's wow. I'm listening to a man that was touching
girls that look like me and y'all got daughters. Honestly,
when people were able to do it, I'm like, Okay,
you know, go ahead and do it. I heard, you know,
Michael Jackson did some stuff and when they put on mic,
(53:22):
I still dance to mic. And so people have their things,
you know what I mean. But when it comes to R.
Speaker 3 (53:28):
Kelly, he doesn't get a pass from me because I
know that motherfucker you you it's just.
Speaker 1 (53:34):
Ill, just ill.
Speaker 3 (53:37):
You know, he gets no past for me. But it
does It does suck that he had to deal with that. Yes,
And I think he had a true hate for his mother.
He hated his mother. And I think he buried her
in like a a in like a This is what
I heard in an interview from like his brother said.
(53:57):
He buried her was w y'all, he was crazy, buried
her in a wooden box, didn't pay for no headstone,
buried her badly.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
And this is when he was rich.
Speaker 3 (54:12):
Okay, So he he has a hate for his mother
and probably for his family in general. Yeah, and it
is tainted and traumatized. Now that's a traumatized man. I
will say that.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
Damn.
Speaker 3 (54:26):
I will say that, you know. But you don't get
to do that though. You don't get to them go
and do that, fuck you, fuck you. You don't get
to them going nah nah, I want to slap the shit.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
I want to I leitn'tly get so upset. Nah, I'm
the same way I feel you like I think you
said it perfectly, Like I definitely have compassion for what
he'd been through, but I would not accept the things
he'd done to these little girls. No, can't, absolutely not.
It's not there's no excuse for that. There's no excuse
(55:03):
for that. You don't get to do that. You don't
get to do that. You should have broke the curse.
That was your job.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
And if you don't make the curse, I don't care
if you're I don't give a fuck who you are.
Speaker 1 (55:14):
You don't have to be R Kelly. I'm gonna feel
the same way about you no matter who you are. Right, Well,
I appreciate you for coming on the show and sharing
your story. I'm so happy that we got to finally
meet in person, and I'm pretty sure this friendship is
going to continue to grow. So thank you so much,
and I'm super proud of you. I know we want
(55:35):
to keep this anuonymous. I'm not gonna say too much
about what you do, but you know, I am a fan.
Speaker 3 (55:43):
Thank you so much for having me, and you know,
definitely like I was happy about going to brunch with
you because I'm like, I really want to be her friend.
Speaker 1 (55:52):
I want to be her friend for real. I feel
like she's so cool and you remind me of me.
Speaker 3 (55:57):
And I don't think I knew you were in Aquarius,
and now I know why.
Speaker 1 (56:02):
Because we was key here for at least like what
three hours, four hours you.
Speaker 3 (56:06):
Were and the time was just flying by, you know,
So it was really fun and you know, definitely definitely
gonna be bringing.
Speaker 1 (56:14):
Yes and to our listeners if you have any questions,
comings with concerns. So you just want to say hey girl, hey,
please make sure to email me at hello at the
PHG podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone, later,
you're not gonna say bye, oh bye bye, y'all. The
(56:40):
Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black Effect
podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you
can connect with me on social media at the PHG
Podcast
Host
Eboné Almon
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