May 6, 2025 • 53 mins
In this week's remastered episode, Eboné sits down with her guest as she recounts her first experience in a psych ward at just eight years old. Their conversation explores America’s complicated relationship with mental illness and whether the media helps or harms public perception of psychiatric facilities. She also sheds light on the harsh realities inside—discussing conditions, isolation rooms, and the experiences of those who have been wrongfully committed.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
What's up Professional Homegirls? It shagirl ebine here and I
hope all is cute. Now, until the new season kicks off,
we'll be rewinding in to some of your favorite phg
rewind episodes. Okay, but before we jump in, I want
to hear from you. What did y'all think about the
Li san Boskiya interview? Okay, hands down for me one
(00:29):
of my favorite episodes in such a fireway to close
out season two. So share your thoughts with me by
emailing me at hello at thepgpodcast dot com and let
me know your thoughts now. In ournor of Mental Health
Awareness Month, all of this month Rewind episodes was spotlight
powerful conversations around mental wellness. This week, I'm bringing back
(00:49):
an episode featuring my homegirl who's doing the show not once,
not twice, but three times. Twice. She opened up about
her experience living with bipolar type one, and most recently,
she came back to talk about her new book and
Old to Hip Hop. I originally recorded this conversation back
in twenty twenty two and it's still one of my
(01:09):
absolute favorites. My guest was incredibly transparent about her mental
health journey, and I truly appreciated her honesty and vulnerability.
I hope this episode encourages you all to take better
care of yourself, check in with your emotions, and give
yourself the grace you deserve as you navigate your own path. Okay,
(01:29):
so get ready. My experience in psych words starts now.
And one more thing before you start, make sure to
follow me at the Professional Homegirl and at the PSHG
podcast on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. And don't forget to
leave a five star review for the show until next time.
Everyone later. So, one of my favorite guests came back
(01:53):
to the show. I was just giving her some love
and y'all to share her story on her stay at
psych Wars. So, so, my guests, how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
How you feeling? I'm doing good, feeling good, feeling great,
you know.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Okay, Holly Black and blessing favor. Okay, mm hmm. How
was your Thanksgiving?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
My Thanksgiving was as good as it could be, you know,
speaking of you know, mental health experiences. I'm dealing with
a family member who's going through some dementia and some
other mood disorders. So we spent some time with them
on Thanksgiving and it ended up being better than I expected,
(02:35):
but it was still you know, uh, it was still
something to work through, you know, as someone who has
been through mental health issues and is seeing someone that
I'm very close to go through those issues as well.
So you know, it was it was an experience, but
I'm really.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Glad that I had that time with them. Can it
be triggering for you to be around people who may
be experiencing that.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
In the respect that it just kind of takes me
back to like when I was going through that stuff
and you know, me being like, wow, is that what
I'm like when I manage what I'm like? You know,
so it does make me think a lot about that.
But as far as like making me like sending me
into an episode myself, I haven't had that experience.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
How are they doing now?
Speaker 2 (03:24):
You know, they're doing as well as possible. They have
twenty four seven care in a nursing facility, so thankfully
they are taken care of. You know, they don't have
anything to really worry about, but you know, they just
want their independence, They want to go home and things
like that, but this is just the best thing for
(03:44):
them right now. So you know, always praying for them
and always hoping that you know, they will come out
on the other side and be you know, more present mentally,
but you know they're kind of up there in age,
so it might just kind of be is what it is.
But yeah, that's how that's going. Thank you for asking.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Of course. No, my grandmother had all times and dementia
and that's not easy.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Yeah, it's really difficult. It's really difficult to to not
only go through go through seeing what they're going through,
like experiencing them in that state, but also you know,
like the level of responsibility that comes with it.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
You know, it is a lot.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yeah, it really is, and I don't think people really
understand that, especially when you have a smaller family and
you know, you don't really have people that you can
depend on. It really and this is ultimately why this
family member is in a nursing facility because you know,
(04:44):
we it's literally me and my sister, Like it's just
me and her and we both like, I'm you know,
writing books and doing podcasts and stuff, and my sister
has a full time job where she goes into the office,
so it's just not possible for us. But you know,
we're doing the best that we can with what we have.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
All right, No, I totally get it. Being a carrier giver,
it's not easy. And then sometimes when you put your
loved one in a nursing facility at like you kind
of feel kind of bad. So I totally understand what
you're going for. Definitely send us some love and light
your way.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Thank you, thank you, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Now, before we get into your story, we gotta do
a little history lesson. So for those of y'all that
didn't know this, our girl, the United States of America
has such a deep, brutal history of flawed psych wars,
mental hospitals, and the signals. In addition, President John F.
Kennedy passed a de institutionalization Act in nineteen sixty three,
(05:42):
and President Ronald Reagan, I know you're shaking your head right.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Oh, I'm you're telling me some stuff I didn't know.
So yeah, I'm learning.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
And President Ronald Reagan made it his mission to shut
down mental health facilities despite being shot by men who
have mental illness. To my guests, why do you think America,
after all these years, still has a hard time grasping
the fact that mental illness is a real thing and
should be treated properly.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Wow ooofah, So I thought that crazy when when I
read that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And like I said, some
of that I didn't know, So, you know, thank you
for informing me. But you know, as far as how
this country handles and deals with mental illness specifically, not
(06:30):
just like mental health self care, but like mental illness
is very flawed, you know. And this is coming from
someone who has been hospitalized, slash been and psych words
four times, and you know, it's it's really I just
saw an article in the New York Times recently about
(06:51):
Eric Adams essentially saying that people who appear to be
mentally ill will be involuntarily hospitalized or you know, whatever
whatever needs to be done with them, whether it's putting
them in jail. Basically they're cleaning the streets of New
York City and making sure that there are no quote
(07:11):
unquote mentally ill people in public, you know. And to me,
that just says a lot about where we are in
the mental health conversation, the mental health actions, and you know,
the practicality of what we're doing. There is no solution
that it's perfect, obviously, but I think at this point
we are at a we are at a stage where
(07:34):
we're just doing the same thing we've been doing. You know.
It's like, you know, just put them away, just keep
them out of sight, just make them invisible. Like nobody.
I made a TikTok about this recently that nobody really
wants to see or hear from somebody who has disabled,
somebody who is mentally ill until they're normal and ready
to positively contribute to society. Like that's just the way
(07:56):
this country is set up. We're all about capitalism, go
go go, Can you make money or not? And if
you have no capability to performing those tasks in those
duties as far as like being a cog in the
will of society, then people don't really know what to
do with you. And you know, just like from my
own experiences of you know, seeing people who who likely
(08:20):
were you know, houseless, you know, and we're just kind
of like picked up and plopped in this hospital for
X amount of days or X amount of weeks, and
it's like, is this a solution or is this a
band aid? And I think that's kind of what we're
dealing with as a society, is we're putting band aids
over gaping wounds and we're not really coming to terms
(08:40):
with the fact that our current system, like I said earlier,
is deeply flawed.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Right, And you made a good point about being homeless
because due to these two laws that were passed, a
lot of people became homeless, which also increased incarceration, you
know what I'm saying. So it's just like, now, want
to be assuming thing. And I know mental illness doesn't
have a race, h but I feel like mental illness
(09:08):
is very, very prevalent in our community, and I feel
like this was a way for them to like hurt us.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
No for real. You know, it's like when you look
at Okay, so when I was in the facilities that
I was in mostly black and brown people, it's like, yeah, exactly.
I was just gonna say that. It's like, it's deeply
reflective of how we treat people of color in this country,
black people specifically. It's like, if we don't know what
(09:41):
to do with you, if you're not again, as I said,
positively contributing to society as we know it, We're going
to get rid of you one way or another. We're
going to stash you in the hospital, We're going to
stash you in a jail or prison. Worse, so yeah,
it's really it's really sad because you know, I do
like we all have, you know, fortunately or unfortunately, we
(10:02):
all have someone that we know in our immediate family
or extended family or friends of the family, who are
you know, Oh that's my crazy uncle june Bug, you know, like, oh,
you know, he don't mean no harm or whatever. And
it's like, yeah, but like, is he getting help? And
if so, like is it is it a proper help
or is he just being institutionalized? So that's something that
(10:25):
I feel very strongly about. And yeah, it's it's just
it's just very reflective and indicative of the way that
we treat black people and people of color in this country.
It's just can you do something for me? No, Okay,
Well I'll figure out what to do with you, and
it won't be a good thing.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Man.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
That's so damn scary, ain't it. Ain't it?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Ain't it?
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Right? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Oh my god. So in our last conversation I asked
you about your thoughts on mental health and bipolar But
what were your thoughts on psych wars and hot before
you were hospitalized?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Oh? Wow, So I actually I had my first experience
with a mental health facility when I was around eight
years old. So yeah, I haven't talked about it that much,
but it's you know, it was a situation where I
don't remember. I remember like little bits and pieces, but
I don't remember exactly what led up to the moment
(11:25):
of my family being like, we got to get her
some help. But as the story goes, like I tried
to break into my older brother's room with the butter
light with a butter knife and harm him with it,
and they were like, WHOA, what's going on. She's never
done anything like this before, So they, you know, made
the decision to send me to a hospital. And it
was maybe like thirty forty five minutes away from my hometown,
(11:49):
and yeah, it was. I was only there for about
a week. I remember it was around my sister's birthday.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Because eight years old.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Yeah, yeah, I was there for about a week at
eight years old. And you know, it was it was
more of a place for people with various disorders. It
wasn't just like mental illness specifically, Like I remember, somebody
had a skin disorder, somebody had like a missing limb
or something like that. So it was like people who
were dealing with various stages of like not abnormality, that's
(12:21):
the way that society sees it, but just like different
ways of living. Right. So, yes, I was there, and
it was incredibly scary for me because I had never
been away from home that long and you know, it
was just it was just a very unusual thing for
me to experience at eight years old. So after getting
(12:42):
out of there, after the week that I was there,
I had, you know, just a different understanding of life.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You know.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
It was like people go through things, people have to
get help, and then they get out of it and
then they you know, move on to move on to
other things in life. So I had a pretty early
experience that kind of affected the way that I saw
mental health facilities and psych words and things like that.
But yeah, I still didn't really have like a real
(13:09):
grasp on like the adult, you know, facility because the
one that I went to obviously was like maybe teens
in under, So you know, being in an adult facility
was a completely separate experience.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
I wasn't expecting you to say that.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, it was definitely. It was definitely a an eye
opening thing for my whole family. You know, it was
it was something that nobody saw coming, you know, and
that's typically how it is for all mental health crises,
is people don't see it coming. You know. It's like
(13:45):
even though there may be a build up or like
before I had my first episode, my sister was like,
I could tell something was off, I just didn't know
what it was. So, you know, even when people have
that innate like gut feeling like yo, something's off. And
even my friends were like, we're concerned about your mental health,
Like you don't usually talk like this. You're not very
like spiritual and god fearing every single moment of every
(14:08):
single day. So which is the main facet of my episodes.
So yeah, you know, it's it was the one the
experience that I had when I was eight, versus the
one that I had when I was twenty six, twenty seven,
my first major episode. They were very different because at eight,
I was more so I guess, like I guess I
(14:32):
was psychotic at that time or experiencing psychosis, but it
was a different kind of psychosis. It wasn't like whenever
I experienced psychosis. Now it's like, you know, all hell Jesus,
you know, let's get ourselves together. The world is ending.
We gotta go, you know, And that was not the
case when I was eight. It was very different. So yeah,
(14:53):
it's it's super interesting how even just growing and adapting
to life can transform the way that you experienced something.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Yeah, being that you're a little bit older, now, do
you agree with what your parents did to you at eight?
Do you think that would have been the best option
or do you think there could have been different things
they could have done.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Yeah, that's I've never thought about that.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
You know, I was kind of young to send a
child away, you know what I'm saying, like.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yeah, absolutely, and yeah, it's it's just really strange because yea,
like the facility that I was at, like my grandmother
has been there in recent years, like it's still open,
so you know, it's still very much functioning and everything.
But as far as the decision that was made when
(15:41):
I was eight, yeah, I guess, you know, they didn't
know what else to do. You know, they didn't want
me to hurt anybody or myself, so they were just
kind of like, let's, you know, see what's going on.
Maybe a doctor can tell us like what she's exhibiting,
et cetera. And yeah, I just kind of rolled with it,
(16:02):
you know, as an adolescent. You know, I did the
best that I could with what I had. But yeah,
I don't disagree with what they did. It was it
was mainly my mom. My father wasn't around, and my
grandma I think was living with us at that time,
so I think the two of them kind of put
their heads together and decided what they were going to do, right,
But you know, it was it was a decision that
(16:24):
I'm sure they didn't make lightly, and it didn't you know,
Like I think after I got out of that facility,
they put me on some kind of medication and I
don't remember what it was, but it wasn't very long
before my mom was like, She's not going to be
on this anymore. And then for the next like two decades,
I was just like living life. Didn't have a care
(16:45):
in the world, you know, excelling at school and you know,
activities and stuff like that. Like I was always a
very like a go getter kind of person. So yeah,
it didn't really have like a profound effect on me
in that respect. But yeah, I don't know. I think,
like I said, I think they made the best decision
that they could at that time.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Do you feel like the media hurts or helps the
perceptions of hospitals or psych wars, because we do know
that there were hospitals that were doing insane, in humane
things to their patients.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Yeah, for sure. So on the one hand, you have
like your what is it called One Flew Over.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
The Cuckoo's Nest, You know that movie?
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Yeah, I didn't watch it for I watched it for
the first time maybe a year ago, and I was like,
oh my god, like it was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah,
So that movie shows like American Horror Story, things like that,
I feel are both representative but also exactly And you know,
(18:02):
it's like at some especially maybe you know, in like
the sixties, seventies, eighties, things like that, I feel like
certain facilities probably were doing a bunch of dirty shit
and not really being the best places for people who
need help, right, And I feel like that's still the
case today in some places, Like you know, the four
(18:23):
places that I stayed for mental health treatment, I would
say that too, like two out of the four I
would like never ever, ever, ever, ever set foot in
those places. Again, like just outright terrible places, mostly terrible people.
How is what possible?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I mean, I know it's possible, but I just don't
understand how is I mean, it's the government, but yeah,
how you allowing these facilities to treat people this way? Like, yeah,
care for our conversation. I was just doing research on
because you know American horror story they do exaggerate some things,
but it does come from somewhere and yeah, yeah, and
(19:07):
I was just doing research stuff and I was like,
my god, like this is crazy.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's yeah. Just to kind of like touch
a little bit on like one of my experiences. It
was actually the first hospital that I was in in
the Bronx, and it was just it was just shitty.
You know, I'm just going to be up front, you know,
it was not a good place for anybody to be,
especially because and yeah, the other place that I mentioned
(19:37):
as well, they were like doing construction like while we
were there, and it was like why are we here,
Like there are all these particles flying around, there's all
this noise, like it just didn't make any sense so
exactly exactly, and this was like pre COVID, so it
wasn't like people weren't really thinking about illness and that
and to that much degree. But now it's like I
(19:58):
think they're a little bit more careful. Maybe I haven't
been hospitalized since twenty nineteen, which was obviously before everything
broke out. But yeah, to go back to my first experience,
it was it was just not well kept. Number one.
It was you know, over crowded. The people who worked
(20:19):
there were overworked, and yeah, they just did not pay
close attention to us, it was. And when they did,
it was like in so far as they didn't want
us like making bonds with each other, like they didn't
want us to really get to know each other as patients.
You know, it was. It was a very isolating place,
(20:42):
and like I said, it was, it was relatively disgusting
just to be there. When my brother and sister picked
me up, they flew from Texas to the Bronx to
come get me, and they were just like, I can't
believe you were there, Like I'm so sorry that you
spent all that time there. The friends that I had
in New York at that time they visited me and
they were just like, we felt so bad, like we
(21:04):
didn't want to visit you because we just felt terrible
about the conditions of the place that you were in. So,
you know, it was it was not a good place.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
To be and yeah, I'm not to cut you off.
My mouth would have been so slick. I was like, yeah,
so if you if you can't come visit, imagine how
I feel living here.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yeah, yeah, we're around and I was there for five weeks.
You know, it was like come on now, it was
a minute, and like, you know, one one of those
friends visited me I think one time, and the other
visited me twice, and then the yeah, and then the
guy that I was dating, who like was you know,
I was staying with him and then I went missing,
(21:42):
which I think we talked about in our initial conversation.
You know, he visited he lived like right up the street,
and he visited me maybe three or four times in
five weeks, just like a nigga yet again. So yeah,
so yeah, it was. It was really lone. And on
top of that, it was really difficult to contact my
(22:03):
family because they had this ridiculous system where you had
to like get like a code and then you would
have to take it to a nurse, and then the
nurse would have to like dial in her station and
then you'd go to a pay phone type of situation
and then you could dial out. But like, of course,
I was like manic for most of that stay, so
(22:24):
I couldn't really like my mind was like, okay, there's
trickery afoot, you know, like I gotta do this and
this and this. This can't be my family, so you know.
And then when my family did call me, they would
tell them that I was asleep or that I was,
you know, in a meeting or in something like that.
And then it was just like very difficult to communicate
with my family. And I feel like when I, especially
(22:45):
with my sister, when I talked to her, that's when
I come back to myself the quickest. So it was
just I don't want to say it was like an
elaborate scheme to keep people there longer, but I wouldn't
be surprised if it was. I'll just say that.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
So, you know what, I want to ask you this
question because you know, living in New York City, and
you've been in New York City for quite some time,
and especially since the pandemic happened, like it has gotten
very dangerous outside, and so what do you think that
the city should do for those because you don't I
don't agree with involuntarily doing something against somebody's will, but
(23:23):
you do want to give them support and give them
what the proper way. So what do you recommend the
city doing in that case?
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Yeah, I mean it's it's a big task, but really
just like getting people off the streets permanently, you know,
like not just temporarily in terms of making sure that
they're because like the thing about this new agenda from
Eric Adams is he is enforcing or allowing the police
(23:52):
to enforce their own, you know, mechanisms to get people
off the street even if they're not harming anybody else.
Because that's like the main reason why I was picked
up by the police in twenty sixteen is because they
thought that I was a harm to myself and to
other people. So you know, they're saying, like, if you're
exhibiting any kind of symptom that is not normal, quote unquote,
(24:15):
we can pick you up and take you somewhere. So
that's what I have issue with, because anybody could be
having a bad day and you know, just like go
off or be crying or you know, people cry on
the train. I cryed on the train so many times,
you know, and it's like does that make I need
stressed out y'all? Yo? Yeah, So to answer your question.
(24:42):
I feel like, you know, the main thing is to
just give these people real long term support, and I
feel like, for some reason, that's the one thing that
they can't get a grip on. And it doesn't just
have to be like, well, you know, give them an
apartment for a year for free or whatever. It's like,
what are meaningful, like actual practical things that we can
(25:05):
do to help people, And just based on the way
that this whole country is set up, it's not kind
to people who don't have money, right, and you know,
even people who are like I want to work, but
people look at me and they see a bum or
they see a homeless person or whatever, And I'm a
person too. I want to I want to work, I
(25:26):
want to have things. I want to have a nice
you know, living space and et cetera, et cetera. So
you know, just like helping people to like take those
steps to get to that place, I think is the
most important thing that could be done.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
And I think ever since our last conversation, I often
think about those individuals who were wrongfully hospitalized because they
are having a bad day. I'm just like, wow, like
that is so scary.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
It is it's frightening. You know, it's it's sick. You know,
not to like get on a soapbox about it, but
I'm just like, where would I be. I mean, I'm
grateful for my trajectory and everything that has happened in
my life. I'm very blessed and I'm very grateful, but
you know, I do wonder like if we had different
(26:12):
kinds of systems set up, if we had people who
were not afraid to just sit with a person who's
going through a mental health crisis for a day or
two days or three days or a week or whatever,
or change those people up or anything like that, instead
of just being like, Okay, we're going to put you
in this hospital, we're going to sedate you, which has
happened to me more than once because they didn't know
(26:33):
what to do with me. So there's just like we're
going to shut up and sit her down. So it's like,
instead of taking that course of action, why not like
be with somebody and ask them, like, why are you
going through this crisis? What do you think is going on?
If they can't, yeah, talk to them. And that's a
big big thing about like my experiences with mental health
is or a mental health crisis is there's not much talking,
(26:57):
you know, like if I talk to anybody, it's just
like chiatrists and it's for five minutes tops. And they
asked me the general questions to kind of assess my
mood or figure out like is she psychotic right now?
She is she manic? Is she hypomanic? You know, whatever
the case may be. Either it's not it's so impersonal.
(27:17):
It's you know, like I thought, foolish me. I thought that,
you know, getting help for my mental health would encompass
like talk therapy. You know, I thought that I was
going to be able to talk to somebody about my issues,
about my life crisis or whatever. But it's really just
about like, Okay, you want to try this med or
this med, like you want an injection or do you
(27:39):
want pills? Like it's not really a conversation about how
are you doing? You know, like what trauma are you
working through? Because like when I had my first episode,
I had been in therapy for some months and I
was really uncovering a lot of trauma and discovering like
why do I feel so strongly about like my mother's
passing even though she died like years ago. At that
(28:00):
point or something. So you know, it was like I
was uncovering all of these truths and I finally sat
down and it was like, damn, like I'm still going
through it. So you know, for me, it was like
I hit that breaking point of you know, I am
having a mental health crisis because I'm going through all
(28:22):
of this uncovering of trauma and all of these situations
and nobody. I'm almost certain that at that first hospital,
nobody asked me like have you been in therapy? You know,
like have you talked about your issues anything like that.
It was just like, all right, she's wiling out, let's
sed data, and then when she comes to let's try
(28:42):
to like figure out what kind of medication she wants
to take, does she have Medicaid? Does she have a
way to pay for this day? You know, it was
like it was not about like me, It was about
all the little tentacles around me that they could profit from.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
M Yeah that is heartbreaking, Yeah, it really is. Yeah,
And I just I don't know because I feel like
it's obvious of the things that need to be changed
within these facilities, but like do you think that will
ever happen? Like a change will come.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
If one does, it'll be a very slow process. I
don't know what it's going to take. If it's like
from a presidential level or a state level or you know,
government whatever. I don't know who is on top of
making this change. But there has to be like a
very thorough sweeping across the board of like every facility
(29:38):
has to be checked out. Every staff member who is
on call for any given night has to be checked
out to be sure that are you here for the
right reasons? Are you just here to collect the check?
Like And that's the case for a lot of people
who work in these facilities that I've experienced. Is they
just want they want the money, or they want the
proximity to you know, like uh, or I don't know
(30:02):
how to explain it, but basically they just want to
live a good life. And you know, I've seen the
cars that they drive. My sister told me, like every
time she visited Yeah, every time she visited me in
the last hospital that I was in in October twenty nineteen,
she was like, I see the cars they drive. They
are not they ain't making chump change, Like it's not.
(30:22):
And I don't know if this depends on where the
where you're located or whatever. Even I remember like when
the first hospital that I was in, you know, there
was this guy that worked there and he had like
his audi keys, like he was like about the site. Yes, wow, yes, absolutely.
So it's like these people are not suffering for cash,
(30:45):
but at the same time, they're not exactly there because
they want to be there or they want to make
a difference, or they want to help kill there were
it is and there. I'm not going to say everybody,
because in each hospital, I feel there was at least
one person that would that I could tell was there
because it was in their heart to be there. But
(31:05):
for the most part, most of the staff that I
dealt with, like were sour pusses, Like they didn't want
to fucking show up, Like they were just like I'm
here because I have to be here, you know, and
they would give me attitude. I'd give them attitude back,
you know. So it was like it's just very clear
that some of these people are not in it for
the right reason. So that's you know, another thing that
(31:26):
I would say would need to take place. It's just
like an evaluation of the people who are signing up
for these shops.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Because they'd have to be certified to be Yeah, I'm
pretty sure.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
I don't know much about how they do that, but yeah,
like the people like the nurses anyway obviously have to
be certified, but they have what they call texts like
tec hs, like a like a health exactly exactly. Yeah,
so they have texts, and I don't think they have
to be certified. If they do, it's like probably a
(31:57):
very easy process. But the people that I have been
interacted with who are texts are just any motherfucker off
the street, you know. It's just like people just yeah,
people just like you know, and it's like they don't
like some of the people. And again I'm not trying
to be generalizing here, but some of the people that
I've dealt with like have egos and they go on
(32:19):
power trips and they feel like because in these four
walls or this hallway or whatever, like they have power,
they like to exert that power. And yeah, I had
a situation where actually, in two separate hospitals, I was
like taken to the isolation room because I was being
too rambunctious or whatever.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Give a question too about the isolation room.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Yeah, yeah, so the first time it happened was in
twenty seventeen, and it was in this all women's you know, facility,
and there was this woman who I'm still friends with
to this day. We actually keep in touch. We've like,
we've gone a brunch, we've got a concerts together. Yeah,
it was She's an amazing person. Shout out to her.
(33:03):
But yeah, we I was there and she was brought
in and she was just crying and crying and crying,
and nobody was consoling her. No, but it was asking
her what was up again, nobody really having that personable
nature that you need to like work in a place
like that. So I was like, why is nobody helping her?
And somebody like a tech got my face and he
was like, you know, go in your room like this
(33:26):
doesn't concern you. And then I've like gotten his face
and then yeah, legs, use the buck out of me.
So yeah, I got right back in his face and
then he like took me to the ground and dragged
me to the isolation room. And I was only in
there for maybe like thirty minutes score an hour, but
it was still like damn Like it wasn't like your
(33:48):
traditional pad room. It was the floors were definitely bouncier
than your typical linoleum or whatever. But it wasn't like,
you know, the the white padding. I wasn't in a
street jacket. It wasn't anything like that. It was just like, okay, girl,
you want to act up, You're going to go in
here for a bit. So, you know, they locked the door,
and I remember being in there and wondering all these
(34:10):
manic thoughts and you know, like maybe my identity changed,
maybe they don't know who I am, you know, like
random shit. So yeah, they finally let me out, and
then her, she and I you know, started to like
kind of talk a little bit, and you know, after
we were released, we became friends. And that's how that
story went. So yeah. And then the latest time, the
(34:32):
second time that I was in putting an isolation room,
I was talking to my grandmother on the phone. And
I have a very complex relationship with her, and I
guess I was like not being kind to her. I
was probably cussing her out for some shit she did
decades ago. I don't know, but one of the texts
was like, you can't talk to your grandma that way,
(34:54):
And I was like, who the fuck are you to
tell me, Mike, I'm talking to Marc.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
So like I hung up the phone and like he
was just like telling me, you know, what I should
and shouldn't be doing. And I was like, bro, if
you don't, if you don't, shut up and get out
of my face.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
And I guess it.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Is every time, it's it's I feel like it's rarely
the women who work in facilities who like want to
act up, because I guess it's because they know that
like we can actually fight fight, but like you know,
but the men, for some reason, they're the ones who
are like ready to like go, and that's it is
(35:36):
it very much is. So this particular tech, you know,
he like grabbed me, put me in a choke hold
and like put like you know, took me to the
isolation room and there was another male tech who was
(35:56):
in there as well, and like they were just like
trying to hold me down and like having in the
show hold and shit, and I was like I'm not
trying to die up in here. So I just started
screw I just like trigger warning. I was just screaming
right right right because I was like I'm getting out
of this shit. I'm not about to be choked to
death in no fucking hospital, right.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
You know, with two niggas in earth.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, what am I supposed to
do aside and get out of this situation. So the
nurse who was on duty like came running in because
she heard me screaming. And then finally they were just like, okay,
well we'll get up, but you got to stay here
for like a day or Yeah, they were not with
me at all, but yeah, so moving forward, me like
(36:36):
it was two there were two black guys to the
two texts, and one of them would try to like
be friendly with me after that, and I was like,
I have nothing to say to you, and the other
one just like, we'll give me my snacks and going
about his business. So, you know, it was just like
it's such a weird dynamic of you know, especially these
(36:57):
people who don't have all the training in the world
when it comes to how to deal with mental health patience.
But yeah, it's a trip.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
And then also you I was reading your article and
you were talking about the conditions of the hospital and
you were also talking about how you and your friend
felt like y'all was eating dog food.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
Oh yes, yes, oh my god. Yeah, so that was
the first place. I know, I'm like jumping from experience
to experience, but it's all the same really, But yeah,
the first place, in the second place terrible food. It
was awful. But the last two places not bad, you know.
But the first one, I literally would eat bread and
(37:37):
drink milk, like that's all I ate and I lost
so much weight it was crazy. But yeah, it was
just like it was just they you could tell like
some of the things they just like the snacks they
would have, like PB and J sandwiches, and then you
could like taste the freezer burn on it. You know.
It was like they were just doing whatever they wanted
(37:58):
to do. And the act tue meals were just like
it just looked like slop. It was gross. And the
guy that I became close to at that facility, he's
the one that was like, Yo, this is dog food.
Fuck this. And I was like, oh my god, be quiet,
like we have to eat this, and you know, he
was like, no, we don't. We don't have to stay
quiet in this bitch, Like what are you talking about.
(38:19):
So yeah, he taught me a lot. But yeah, it
was two of the four places it was not a
good experience with the food, but the other two places
it was like who's decent?
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Mmm? And you also talked about the lack of hair products,
and I'm like, oh, wow, I didn't you won't even
think about things like that that was so important, especially
to women of color.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
Yes, yes, ma'am, Oh my god, it's so yeah. The
first hospital, I was obviously not expecting to stay there,
and you know, like my hair was a mess when
I got out, and I ended up having to get
like an undercut that I still have today, and that
was like six years ago. So yeah, it was just
(39:00):
like and I couldn't.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
Afford, well, she has a lot of.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
Hair, y'all. It's nice, Yes it is. My puff is puffin.
But yeah, so yeah, I didn't at that point. I
couldn't afford to like go to a hair salon and
have somebody tease out all those tangles. So I did
the best I could, and then my brother's friend just
like cut up the back where I couldn't really entangle it.
(39:26):
And yeah, the second experience, I just happened to get
my hair flat out, flat ironed shortly before I was hospitalized,
so I just kept it up in a bun and
I didn't wash it for I think I was there
for about a yeah, four weeks I was there, so
that's how I did that. And then the third day,
I had my hair in a natural puff and it
(39:49):
was it got a little tangled, you know, towards the end,
but luckily I was able to afford a hairstylist or
a salon visit. So I told them, you know, like
I just got out of the hospital, if you can help,
and they were very tender and caring. And then the
last one, this black woman, actually she saw me when
I first came in and I had my hair in
(40:10):
a natural puff again, and I guess she knew that
I was going to be there for a minute, so
she just took the time to braid my hair for me,
like in the hospital. And that was like one of
the most touching things that anybody could have done, because,
as you were saying, like the products are scarce, as
it is, like some of the facilities they just give
you like body wash and say wash your hair with this,
(40:33):
and I'm like, you do not understand, like that's not
going to work for me. So she, you know, she
kind of understood that I needed some help in that moment,
and she just had me down. I know, I wish
I knew her name. I wish I did, But I
saw her toward the end of that stay and I
was like, and she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, how
are you? You know, obviously I was doing better, not
quite one hundred percent, but I was better. And she
(40:56):
was just like telling me, like, you know, just focus
on taking care of yourself and everything. And I just
thank her for what she did. So yeah, that's how
that played out for those four separate stays.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
And during our last conversation, you share your thoughts on
being sedated. So I was doing some research on sedation
and there are a lot of cases where patients were
included in clinical trials and didn't know it, and some
institutions were not authorized to do so. So when you
hear stories like this, how does that make you feel?
Speaker 2 (41:28):
Honestly, it doesn't surprise me. It really doesn't. It's fucking
frustrating because that's bullshit. Like this is the thing about
mental health and mental illness. Nobody knows the right answer.
You know. Nobody has a magic pill, nobody has a
magic injection. This shit is complicated and it's different for everybody.
(41:49):
It's a big guessing game. It's all experimentation. So when
I hear something like that that hospitals and facilities and
institutions are literally taking people like treating them like guinea
pigs and being like, oh, let's see how this works
on this person, you know, especially I'm sure they're doing
it on black people. People you know are exactly you
(42:10):
know they are, so yeah, it's just like it's extremely
disheartening because it just takes away your your autonomy, your agency,
and it doesn't they don't ask you like would you
like to be a part of this trial? Of course,
not like that's why they don't ask, I'm sure, but
you know.
Speaker 1 (42:26):
The health effects is gonna have on you in the
long run, Like that's the scary.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Part, exactly exactly. It's really wild. It's it's you would
think that in twenty twenty two, almost twenty twenty three
at this point, that we would have a better grip
on how we treat people and how we construct these
trials in order to get better information about how a
drug may or may not work. But we're still honestly
(42:53):
stuck in some of those older eras where it's like,
you know, like the Tuskegee experiment, you know, like we're
they just like didn't tell people the truth or right,
you know, like it's just it's just it's not just
like that because obviously that was completely awful and terrible
and life threatening. But but we don't know what, yeah, exactly,
we don't know what these drugs are gonna do. Like
(43:15):
we don't Like I was allergic to the first medication
I ever got for my mental health and it gave
me like a full body rash and I was just
dealing with it and I didn't know, Like I went
to hospitals doctors like they were like, well, we can't
do this until we have this person's approval, and then
they would say we can't do this without this person's approval.
So I was just like I was like, well, fuck it,
I'm gonna stop taking the meds. And I did, and
(43:37):
then I ended up being hospitalized a second time. So
you know, like I said, it's just a big experiment.
Nobody knows what the right or wrong answer is. It's
just like let's do this and hope for the best,
or let's do this and we'll just see what happens
to this person. They might not even hope for.
Speaker 1 (43:54):
The best, right, So what would you say would be
an alternative or being sedated? Because I don't think sedation
that that's just crazy to me. Yeah, I see a
different way for you to be able to calm somebody
down exactly.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
Wow, what's an alternative? I mean, you know, like I
said isolation rooms earlier, They're not perfect, but it does
give people a chance to kind of exhaust themselves to
the point where they can naturally calm down and number, yeah,
possibly remember because there are so many weeks of my
(44:33):
life that I don't remember because I was sedated. So
you know, it's just like, how can we do this
in a humane way? You know? And you know, whether
that be like, like I said earlier, having a designated
person to sit down with folks and be like, what
are you going through? What issues have you recently you know,
excavated from your past, Like what have you been through?
(44:55):
What are you going through? What will you go through?
Anything like that I feel be more helpful than just
injecting somebody and hoping they shut.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Down right and lobotomies. Oh my god, yo, that I
couldn't imagine what that ship is crazy? How is that?
How can you do that? How can you perform that
in the state. Is okay with that?
Speaker 2 (45:18):
Yeah, it's I don't girl, it's it's a lot. Even
just again talking about one flow over the Cuckoo's it's
like that shit was wild. But yeah, Lobotomi's it's like
some horror movie shit. You know, it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
Take me out, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
Exactly, Like I would rather not deal with the effects
of something so severe, like you want people to be
sane quote unquote that bad that you're willing to literally
do that to someone and just like be like, oh,
well we tried, or you know what I mean. It's like,
what the It's crazy, It's really crazy. Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
So Thanksgiving just passed a few weeks ago, and I
saw on one of your TikTok videos that you spent
Thanksgiving a few years ago doing one of your days.
When you look back on how far you came, how
does it make you feel?
Speaker 2 (46:16):
Man, it makes me feel very proud, you know. I
that was I remember that day talking to my family
and a couple of friends and over the phone and
just being like, I miss y'all, wish I could spend
time with y'all, you know, And it was just like, damn,
I can't believe I'm in this bitch like again, you know. So,
(46:38):
you know, granted it was a different facility, but still
like being like institutionalized remains the same across the board.
But yeah, I'm very happy that, you know, even though
my Thanksgiving was a bit on the complicated side, I
was free, you know, and I was able to like
spend it with my sister and my loved one and
(47:00):
just you know, be able to really appreciate what I
have and how far I've come because it's been a journey.
It has been one Always a journey, child, ain't it.
Every time? Every time it's like, all right, I made
it through that stage, Let's get to the next stage.
(47:20):
And then you make it to the next stage. It's
like it's always something progressive, you know, hopefully progressive. So yeah,
I'm very happy that I, you know, am now past
three years of not having had an episode. So I
pray and I hope and I wish that I you
on this path. Thank you, thank you, you know, And
(47:41):
that's that's the hope.
Speaker 1 (47:43):
Yes, And if someone is considering checking themselves in, what
is some advice you would give to them?
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Research where you're going. Yes, that's of the utmost importance.
You have to figure out if you do feel like
you need extended help. Figure out Number one, is there
a facility that is not a hospital? You know, like
because I think of the three of three of the
(48:12):
four places I stayed were psych wards in an overall hospital,
and then one of them was like a facility facility
that was specifically for mental health purposes. So that was
my favorite one because they had the equipment, they had
the space, they had mostly the staff that was willing
to be there for that reason. So I really enjoyed,
(48:34):
not enjoyed, but you know that was the place that
caused me the most comfortable harm. Yeah, exactly. You know,
so research where you're gonna go, and you know, figure
out like does an inpatient ooh, does an inpatient experience
work for you? Because some people may need outpatient help,
(48:56):
you know, where you just like talk to a therapist,
or you consider going to a psychiatrist for a medication purposes,
anything like that you can do in out patient. But
if you really think you need to be inpatient, research
where you're going and try to figure out like are
they going to hold you, you know, for longer than
you anticipate because I had another person close to me
(49:20):
earlier this year going through a crisis, and you know,
we tried to find them help and we couldn't find
anywhere that wasn't going to like hold them for an
extended amount of time and they had to like get
things going. They're about to start a new, you know,
position at work, and they were just trying to get
their head together, and you know, we couldn't find any
place like that. So, you know, if there are any
(49:43):
kinds of facilities that are specifically for mental health, I
would say opt for those. But if not, then at
least research the hospital that has the psych wards or
wings and figure out, like, you know, would this be
conducive to my health, would this be a purposeful experience,
because sometimes they do more harm than good. So you know,
(50:05):
just make sure that the place you're going to is
actually for the greater good.
Speaker 1 (50:08):
And you better off just being on the street trying
to figure it out.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
And we know we've already talked about that, so yeah,
it's just yeah, some of these places are made for
made for the benefit of its patients, and some of
these places are made for the benefit of the people
who are making money, So you know, you just got
to be real smart and real intentional about how you
go about finding the right place right.
Speaker 1 (50:34):
And I'm just curious, does insurance take care of this?
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Yes? Oh so yeah, insurance does to an extent. Like
one of the places I stayed, it was like it
was a crazy amount of money. It was like hundreds
of thousands of dollars, and I was like I can't
be that, you know, so like insurance cover a portion
of it. But then I was able to like get
it down to like a thousands of dollars. So it
(51:01):
really like if if you're willing to like work with them,
they can like help you figure out a payment system.
But yeah, for the most part, it's not cheap to
like be hospitalized. I think one time, or the first time,
I think I was on Medicaid, so that helped a lot.
But yeah, it's it's not a cheap thing to do, right. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:24):
As always, I really appreciate speaking to you. I can't
believe an hour I already flew by child.
Speaker 2 (51:29):
I know I was looking at the time, like for real,
I know we both looked at like damn. Well.
Speaker 1 (51:36):
Then I felt like I just cannot wait for you
to share more of your story because I know you
have such an inspiring story just from you telling us
about your experience at the age of a and I
was like, wow, I wasn't even expecting that. So I
really look forward to your your second book that's coming out.
Speaker 2 (51:54):
Thank you. Yeah, fingers crossed, that's like next on my
to do list. I really want to write a memoir.
Speaker 1 (52:00):
You should or you should do your show us something exactly.
Oh my, soy, because I just feel like we need
a lot of representation when it comes to topics like this,
and I think people really need to feel seen so
they can know that it will be okay because your
story is just such a beautiful story.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (52:24):
Of course, of course, and that's it, y'all. So if
y'all have any questions coming to then serias, please make
sure to email me a hello at the psgpodcast dot com.
And until next time, everyone later.
Speaker 2 (52:37):
Bye y'all.
Speaker 1 (52:45):
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
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and you can connect with me on social media at
the PhD Podcast
What's up Professional Homegirls? It shagirl ebine here and I
hope all is cute. Now, until the new season kicks off,
we'll be rewinding in to some of your favorite phg
rewind episodes. Okay, but before we jump in, I want
to hear from you. What did y'all think about the
Li san Boskiya interview? Okay, hands down for me one
(00:29):
of my favorite episodes in such a fireway to close
out season two. So share your thoughts with me by
emailing me at hello at thepgpodcast dot com and let
me know your thoughts now. In ournor of Mental Health
Awareness Month, all of this month Rewind episodes was spotlight
powerful conversations around mental wellness. This week, I'm bringing back
(00:49):
an episode featuring my homegirl who's doing the show not once,
not twice, but three times. Twice. She opened up about
her experience living with bipolar type one, and most recently,
she came back to talk about her new book and
Old to Hip Hop. I originally recorded this conversation back
in twenty twenty two and it's still one of my
(01:09):
absolute favorites. My guest was incredibly transparent about her mental
health journey, and I truly appreciated her honesty and vulnerability.
I hope this episode encourages you all to take better
care of yourself, check in with your emotions, and give
yourself the grace you deserve as you navigate your own path. Okay,
(01:29):
so get ready. My experience in psych words starts now.
And one more thing before you start, make sure to
follow me at the Professional Homegirl and at the PSHG
podcast on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. And don't forget to
leave a five star review for the show until next time.
Everyone later. So, one of my favorite guests came back
(01:53):
to the show. I was just giving her some love
and y'all to share her story on her stay at
psych Wars. So, so, my guests, how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
How you feeling? I'm doing good, feeling good, feeling great,
you know.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Okay, Holly Black and blessing favor. Okay, mm hmm. How
was your Thanksgiving?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
My Thanksgiving was as good as it could be, you know,
speaking of you know, mental health experiences. I'm dealing with
a family member who's going through some dementia and some
other mood disorders. So we spent some time with them
on Thanksgiving and it ended up being better than I expected,
(02:35):
but it was still you know, uh, it was still
something to work through, you know, as someone who has
been through mental health issues and is seeing someone that
I'm very close to go through those issues as well.
So you know, it was it was an experience, but
I'm really.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Glad that I had that time with them. Can it
be triggering for you to be around people who may
be experiencing that.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
In the respect that it just kind of takes me
back to like when I was going through that stuff
and you know, me being like, wow, is that what
I'm like when I manage what I'm like? You know,
so it does make me think a lot about that.
But as far as like making me like sending me
into an episode myself, I haven't had that experience.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
How are they doing now?
Speaker 2 (03:24):
You know, they're doing as well as possible. They have
twenty four seven care in a nursing facility, so thankfully
they are taken care of. You know, they don't have
anything to really worry about, but you know, they just
want their independence, They want to go home and things
like that, but this is just the best thing for
(03:44):
them right now. So you know, always praying for them
and always hoping that you know, they will come out
on the other side and be you know, more present mentally,
but you know they're kind of up there in age,
so it might just kind of be is what it is.
But yeah, that's how that's going. Thank you for asking.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Of course. No, my grandmother had all times and dementia
and that's not easy.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Yeah, it's really difficult. It's really difficult to to not
only go through go through seeing what they're going through,
like experiencing them in that state, but also you know,
like the level of responsibility that comes with it.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
You know, it is a lot.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yeah, it really is, and I don't think people really
understand that, especially when you have a smaller family and
you know, you don't really have people that you can
depend on. It really and this is ultimately why this
family member is in a nursing facility because you know,
(04:44):
we it's literally me and my sister, Like it's just
me and her and we both like, I'm you know,
writing books and doing podcasts and stuff, and my sister
has a full time job where she goes into the office,
so it's just not possible for us. But you know,
we're doing the best that we can with what we have.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
All right, No, I totally get it. Being a carrier giver,
it's not easy. And then sometimes when you put your
loved one in a nursing facility at like you kind
of feel kind of bad. So I totally understand what
you're going for. Definitely send us some love and light
your way.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Thank you, thank you, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Now, before we get into your story, we gotta do
a little history lesson. So for those of y'all that
didn't know this, our girl, the United States of America
has such a deep, brutal history of flawed psych wars,
mental hospitals, and the signals. In addition, President John F.
Kennedy passed a de institutionalization Act in nineteen sixty three,
(05:42):
and President Ronald Reagan, I know you're shaking your head right.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Oh, I'm you're telling me some stuff I didn't know.
So yeah, I'm learning.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
And President Ronald Reagan made it his mission to shut
down mental health facilities despite being shot by men who
have mental illness. To my guests, why do you think America,
after all these years, still has a hard time grasping
the fact that mental illness is a real thing and
should be treated properly.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Wow ooofah, So I thought that crazy when when I
read that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And like I said, some
of that I didn't know, So, you know, thank you
for informing me. But you know, as far as how
this country handles and deals with mental illness specifically, not
(06:30):
just like mental health self care, but like mental illness
is very flawed, you know. And this is coming from
someone who has been hospitalized, slash been and psych words
four times, and you know, it's it's really I just
saw an article in the New York Times recently about
(06:51):
Eric Adams essentially saying that people who appear to be
mentally ill will be involuntarily hospitalized or you know, whatever
whatever needs to be done with them, whether it's putting
them in jail. Basically they're cleaning the streets of New
York City and making sure that there are no quote
(07:11):
unquote mentally ill people in public, you know. And to me,
that just says a lot about where we are in
the mental health conversation, the mental health actions, and you know,
the practicality of what we're doing. There is no solution
that it's perfect, obviously, but I think at this point
we are at a we are at a stage where
(07:34):
we're just doing the same thing we've been doing. You know.
It's like, you know, just put them away, just keep
them out of sight, just make them invisible. Like nobody.
I made a TikTok about this recently that nobody really
wants to see or hear from somebody who has disabled,
somebody who is mentally ill until they're normal and ready
to positively contribute to society. Like that's just the way
(07:56):
this country is set up. We're all about capitalism, go
go go, Can you make money or not? And if
you have no capability to performing those tasks in those
duties as far as like being a cog in the
will of society, then people don't really know what to
do with you. And you know, just like from my
own experiences of you know, seeing people who who likely
(08:20):
were you know, houseless, you know, and we're just kind
of like picked up and plopped in this hospital for
X amount of days or X amount of weeks, and
it's like, is this a solution or is this a
band aid? And I think that's kind of what we're
dealing with as a society, is we're putting band aids
over gaping wounds and we're not really coming to terms
(08:40):
with the fact that our current system, like I said earlier,
is deeply flawed.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Right, And you made a good point about being homeless
because due to these two laws that were passed, a
lot of people became homeless, which also increased incarceration, you
know what I'm saying. So it's just like, now, want
to be assuming thing. And I know mental illness doesn't
have a race, h but I feel like mental illness
(09:08):
is very, very prevalent in our community, and I feel
like this was a way for them to like hurt us.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
No for real. You know, it's like when you look
at Okay, so when I was in the facilities that
I was in mostly black and brown people, it's like, yeah, exactly.
I was just gonna say that. It's like, it's deeply
reflective of how we treat people of color in this country,
black people specifically. It's like, if we don't know what
(09:41):
to do with you, if you're not again, as I said,
positively contributing to society as we know it, We're going
to get rid of you one way or another. We're
going to stash you in the hospital, We're going to
stash you in a jail or prison. Worse, so yeah,
it's really it's really sad because you know, I do
like we all have, you know, fortunately or unfortunately, we
(10:02):
all have someone that we know in our immediate family
or extended family or friends of the family, who are
you know, Oh that's my crazy uncle june Bug, you know, like, oh,
you know, he don't mean no harm or whatever. And
it's like, yeah, but like, is he getting help? And
if so, like is it is it a proper help
or is he just being institutionalized? So that's something that
(10:25):
I feel very strongly about. And yeah, it's it's just
it's just very reflective and indicative of the way that
we treat black people and people of color in this country.
It's just can you do something for me? No, Okay,
Well I'll figure out what to do with you, and
it won't be a good thing.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Man.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
That's so damn scary, ain't it. Ain't it?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Ain't it?
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Right? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Oh my god. So in our last conversation I asked
you about your thoughts on mental health and bipolar But
what were your thoughts on psych wars and hot before
you were hospitalized?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Oh? Wow, So I actually I had my first experience
with a mental health facility when I was around eight
years old. So yeah, I haven't talked about it that much,
but it's you know, it was a situation where I
don't remember. I remember like little bits and pieces, but
I don't remember exactly what led up to the moment
(11:25):
of my family being like, we got to get her
some help. But as the story goes, like I tried
to break into my older brother's room with the butter
light with a butter knife and harm him with it,
and they were like, WHOA, what's going on. She's never
done anything like this before, So they, you know, made
the decision to send me to a hospital. And it
was maybe like thirty forty five minutes away from my hometown,
(11:49):
and yeah, it was. I was only there for about
a week. I remember it was around my sister's birthday.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Because eight years old.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Yeah, yeah, I was there for about a week at
eight years old. And you know, it was it was
more of a place for people with various disorders. It
wasn't just like mental illness specifically, Like I remember, somebody
had a skin disorder, somebody had like a missing limb
or something like that. So it was like people who
were dealing with various stages of like not abnormality, that's
(12:21):
the way that society sees it, but just like different
ways of living. Right. So, yes, I was there, and
it was incredibly scary for me because I had never
been away from home that long and you know, it
was just it was just a very unusual thing for
me to experience at eight years old. So after getting
(12:42):
out of there, after the week that I was there,
I had, you know, just a different understanding of life.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You know.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
It was like people go through things, people have to
get help, and then they get out of it and
then they you know, move on to move on to
other things in life. So I had a pretty early
experience that kind of affected the way that I saw
mental health facilities and psych words and things like that.
But yeah, I still didn't really have like a real
(13:09):
grasp on like the adult, you know, facility because the
one that I went to obviously was like maybe teens
in under, So you know, being in an adult facility
was a completely separate experience.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
I wasn't expecting you to say that.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, it was definitely. It was definitely a an eye
opening thing for my whole family. You know, it was
it was something that nobody saw coming, you know, and
that's typically how it is for all mental health crises,
is people don't see it coming. You know. It's like
(13:45):
even though there may be a build up or like
before I had my first episode, my sister was like,
I could tell something was off, I just didn't know
what it was. So, you know, even when people have
that innate like gut feeling like yo, something's off. And
even my friends were like, we're concerned about your mental health,
Like you don't usually talk like this. You're not very
like spiritual and god fearing every single moment of every
(14:08):
single day. So which is the main facet of my episodes.
So yeah, you know, it's it was the one the
experience that I had when I was eight, versus the
one that I had when I was twenty six, twenty seven,
my first major episode. They were very different because at eight,
I was more so I guess, like I guess I
(14:32):
was psychotic at that time or experiencing psychosis, but it
was a different kind of psychosis. It wasn't like whenever
I experienced psychosis. Now it's like, you know, all hell Jesus,
you know, let's get ourselves together. The world is ending.
We gotta go, you know, And that was not the
case when I was eight. It was very different. So yeah,
(14:53):
it's it's super interesting how even just growing and adapting
to life can transform the way that you experienced something.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Yeah, being that you're a little bit older, now, do
you agree with what your parents did to you at eight?
Do you think that would have been the best option
or do you think there could have been different things
they could have done.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Yeah, that's I've never thought about that.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
You know, I was kind of young to send a
child away, you know what I'm saying, like.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yeah, absolutely, and yeah, it's it's just really strange because yea,
like the facility that I was at, like my grandmother
has been there in recent years, like it's still open,
so you know, it's still very much functioning and everything.
But as far as the decision that was made when
(15:41):
I was eight, yeah, I guess, you know, they didn't
know what else to do. You know, they didn't want
me to hurt anybody or myself, so they were just
kind of like, let's, you know, see what's going on.
Maybe a doctor can tell us like what she's exhibiting,
et cetera. And yeah, I just kind of rolled with it,
(16:02):
you know, as an adolescent. You know, I did the
best that I could with what I had. But yeah,
I don't disagree with what they did. It was it
was mainly my mom. My father wasn't around, and my
grandma I think was living with us at that time,
so I think the two of them kind of put
their heads together and decided what they were going to do, right,
But you know, it was it was a decision that
(16:24):
I'm sure they didn't make lightly, and it didn't you know,
Like I think after I got out of that facility,
they put me on some kind of medication and I
don't remember what it was, but it wasn't very long
before my mom was like, She's not going to be
on this anymore. And then for the next like two decades,
I was just like living life. Didn't have a care
(16:45):
in the world, you know, excelling at school and you know,
activities and stuff like that. Like I was always a
very like a go getter kind of person. So yeah,
it didn't really have like a profound effect on me
in that respect. But yeah, I don't know. I think,
like I said, I think they made the best decision
that they could at that time.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Do you feel like the media hurts or helps the
perceptions of hospitals or psych wars, because we do know
that there were hospitals that were doing insane, in humane
things to their patients.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Yeah, for sure. So on the one hand, you have
like your what is it called One Flew Over.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
The Cuckoo's Nest, You know that movie?
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Yeah, I didn't watch it for I watched it for
the first time maybe a year ago, and I was like,
oh my god, like it was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah,
So that movie shows like American Horror Story, things like that,
I feel are both representative but also exactly And you know,
(18:02):
it's like at some especially maybe you know, in like
the sixties, seventies, eighties, things like that, I feel like
certain facilities probably were doing a bunch of dirty shit
and not really being the best places for people who
need help, right, And I feel like that's still the
case today in some places, Like you know, the four
(18:23):
places that I stayed for mental health treatment, I would
say that too, like two out of the four I
would like never ever, ever, ever, ever set foot in
those places. Again, like just outright terrible places, mostly terrible people.
How is what possible?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I mean, I know it's possible, but I just don't
understand how is I mean, it's the government, but yeah,
how you allowing these facilities to treat people this way? Like, yeah,
care for our conversation. I was just doing research on
because you know American horror story they do exaggerate some things,
but it does come from somewhere and yeah, yeah, and
(19:07):
I was just doing research stuff and I was like,
my god, like this is crazy.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's yeah. Just to kind of like touch
a little bit on like one of my experiences. It
was actually the first hospital that I was in in
the Bronx, and it was just it was just shitty.
You know, I'm just going to be up front, you know,
it was not a good place for anybody to be,
especially because and yeah, the other place that I mentioned
(19:37):
as well, they were like doing construction like while we
were there, and it was like why are we here,
Like there are all these particles flying around, there's all
this noise, like it just didn't make any sense so
exactly exactly, and this was like pre COVID, so it
wasn't like people weren't really thinking about illness and that
and to that much degree. But now it's like I
(19:58):
think they're a little bit more careful. Maybe I haven't
been hospitalized since twenty nineteen, which was obviously before everything
broke out. But yeah, to go back to my first experience,
it was it was just not well kept. Number one.
It was you know, over crowded. The people who worked
(20:19):
there were overworked, and yeah, they just did not pay
close attention to us, it was. And when they did,
it was like in so far as they didn't want
us like making bonds with each other, like they didn't
want us to really get to know each other as patients.
You know, it was. It was a very isolating place,
(20:42):
and like I said, it was, it was relatively disgusting
just to be there. When my brother and sister picked
me up, they flew from Texas to the Bronx to
come get me, and they were just like, I can't
believe you were there, Like I'm so sorry that you
spent all that time there. The friends that I had
in New York at that time they visited me and
they were just like, we felt so bad, like we
(21:04):
didn't want to visit you because we just felt terrible
about the conditions of the place that you were in. So,
you know, it was it was not a good place.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
To be and yeah, I'm not to cut you off.
My mouth would have been so slick. I was like, yeah,
so if you if you can't come visit, imagine how
I feel living here.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yeah, yeah, we're around and I was there for five weeks.
You know, it was like come on now, it was
a minute, and like, you know, one one of those
friends visited me I think one time, and the other
visited me twice, and then the yeah, and then the
guy that I was dating, who like was you know,
I was staying with him and then I went missing,
(21:42):
which I think we talked about in our initial conversation.
You know, he visited he lived like right up the street,
and he visited me maybe three or four times in
five weeks, just like a nigga yet again. So yeah,
so yeah, it was. It was really lone. And on
top of that, it was really difficult to contact my
(22:03):
family because they had this ridiculous system where you had
to like get like a code and then you would
have to take it to a nurse, and then the
nurse would have to like dial in her station and
then you'd go to a pay phone type of situation
and then you could dial out. But like, of course,
I was like manic for most of that stay, so
(22:24):
I couldn't really like my mind was like, okay, there's
trickery afoot, you know, like I gotta do this and
this and this. This can't be my family, so you know.
And then when my family did call me, they would
tell them that I was asleep or that I was,
you know, in a meeting or in something like that.
And then it was just like very difficult to communicate
with my family. And I feel like when I, especially
(22:45):
with my sister, when I talked to her, that's when
I come back to myself the quickest. So it was
just I don't want to say it was like an
elaborate scheme to keep people there longer, but I wouldn't
be surprised if it was. I'll just say that.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
So, you know what, I want to ask you this
question because you know, living in New York City, and
you've been in New York City for quite some time,
and especially since the pandemic happened, like it has gotten
very dangerous outside, and so what do you think that
the city should do for those because you don't I
don't agree with involuntarily doing something against somebody's will, but
(23:23):
you do want to give them support and give them
what the proper way. So what do you recommend the
city doing in that case?
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Yeah, I mean it's it's a big task, but really
just like getting people off the streets permanently, you know,
like not just temporarily in terms of making sure that
they're because like the thing about this new agenda from
Eric Adams is he is enforcing or allowing the police
(23:52):
to enforce their own, you know, mechanisms to get people
off the street even if they're not harming anybody else.
Because that's like the main reason why I was picked
up by the police in twenty sixteen is because they
thought that I was a harm to myself and to
other people. So you know, they're saying, like, if you're
exhibiting any kind of symptom that is not normal, quote unquote,
(24:15):
we can pick you up and take you somewhere. So
that's what I have issue with, because anybody could be
having a bad day and you know, just like go
off or be crying or you know, people cry on
the train. I cryed on the train so many times,
you know, and it's like does that make I need
stressed out y'all? Yo? Yeah, So to answer your question.
(24:42):
I feel like, you know, the main thing is to
just give these people real long term support, and I
feel like, for some reason, that's the one thing that
they can't get a grip on. And it doesn't just
have to be like, well, you know, give them an
apartment for a year for free or whatever. It's like,
what are meaningful, like actual practical things that we can
(25:05):
do to help people, And just based on the way
that this whole country is set up, it's not kind
to people who don't have money, right, and you know,
even people who are like I want to work, but
people look at me and they see a bum or
they see a homeless person or whatever, And I'm a
person too. I want to I want to work, I
(25:26):
want to have things. I want to have a nice
you know, living space and et cetera, et cetera. So
you know, just like helping people to like take those
steps to get to that place, I think is the
most important thing that could be done.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
And I think ever since our last conversation, I often
think about those individuals who were wrongfully hospitalized because they
are having a bad day. I'm just like, wow, like
that is so scary.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
It is it's frightening. You know, it's it's sick. You know,
not to like get on a soapbox about it, but
I'm just like, where would I be. I mean, I'm
grateful for my trajectory and everything that has happened in
my life. I'm very blessed and I'm very grateful, but
you know, I do wonder like if we had different
(26:12):
kinds of systems set up, if we had people who
were not afraid to just sit with a person who's
going through a mental health crisis for a day or
two days or three days or a week or whatever,
or change those people up or anything like that, instead
of just being like, Okay, we're going to put you
in this hospital, we're going to sedate you, which has
happened to me more than once because they didn't know
(26:33):
what to do with me. So there's just like we're
going to shut up and sit her down. So it's like,
instead of taking that course of action, why not like
be with somebody and ask them, like, why are you
going through this crisis? What do you think is going on?
If they can't, yeah, talk to them. And that's a
big big thing about like my experiences with mental health
is or a mental health crisis is there's not much talking,
(26:57):
you know, like if I talk to anybody, it's just
like chiatrists and it's for five minutes tops. And they
asked me the general questions to kind of assess my
mood or figure out like is she psychotic right now?
She is she manic? Is she hypomanic? You know, whatever
the case may be. Either it's not it's so impersonal.
(27:17):
It's you know, like I thought, foolish me. I thought that,
you know, getting help for my mental health would encompass
like talk therapy. You know, I thought that I was
going to be able to talk to somebody about my issues,
about my life crisis or whatever. But it's really just
about like, Okay, you want to try this med or
this med, like you want an injection or do you
(27:39):
want pills? Like it's not really a conversation about how
are you doing? You know, like what trauma are you
working through? Because like when I had my first episode,
I had been in therapy for some months and I
was really uncovering a lot of trauma and discovering like
why do I feel so strongly about like my mother's
passing even though she died like years ago. At that
(28:00):
point or something. So you know, it was like I
was uncovering all of these truths and I finally sat
down and it was like, damn, like I'm still going
through it. So you know, for me, it was like
I hit that breaking point of you know, I am
having a mental health crisis because I'm going through all
(28:22):
of this uncovering of trauma and all of these situations
and nobody. I'm almost certain that at that first hospital,
nobody asked me like have you been in therapy? You know,
like have you talked about your issues anything like that.
It was just like, all right, she's wiling out, let's
sed data, and then when she comes to let's try
(28:42):
to like figure out what kind of medication she wants
to take, does she have Medicaid? Does she have a
way to pay for this day? You know, it was
like it was not about like me, It was about
all the little tentacles around me that they could profit from.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
M Yeah that is heartbreaking, Yeah, it really is. Yeah,
And I just I don't know because I feel like
it's obvious of the things that need to be changed
within these facilities, but like do you think that will
ever happen? Like a change will come.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
If one does, it'll be a very slow process. I
don't know what it's going to take. If it's like
from a presidential level or a state level or you know,
government whatever. I don't know who is on top of
making this change. But there has to be like a
very thorough sweeping across the board of like every facility
(29:38):
has to be checked out. Every staff member who is
on call for any given night has to be checked
out to be sure that are you here for the
right reasons? Are you just here to collect the check?
Like And that's the case for a lot of people
who work in these facilities that I've experienced. Is they
just want they want the money, or they want the
proximity to you know, like uh, or I don't know
(30:02):
how to explain it, but basically they just want to
live a good life. And you know, I've seen the
cars that they drive. My sister told me, like every
time she visited Yeah, every time she visited me in
the last hospital that I was in in October twenty nineteen,
she was like, I see the cars they drive. They
are not they ain't making chump change, Like it's not.
(30:22):
And I don't know if this depends on where the
where you're located or whatever. Even I remember like when
the first hospital that I was in, you know, there
was this guy that worked there and he had like
his audi keys, like he was like about the site. Yes, wow, yes, absolutely.
So it's like these people are not suffering for cash,
(30:45):
but at the same time, they're not exactly there because
they want to be there or they want to make
a difference, or they want to help kill there were
it is and there. I'm not going to say everybody,
because in each hospital, I feel there was at least
one person that would that I could tell was there
because it was in their heart to be there. But
(31:05):
for the most part, most of the staff that I
dealt with, like were sour pusses, Like they didn't want
to fucking show up, Like they were just like I'm
here because I have to be here, you know, and
they would give me attitude. I'd give them attitude back,
you know. So it was like it's just very clear
that some of these people are not in it for
the right reason. So that's you know, another thing that
(31:26):
I would say would need to take place. It's just
like an evaluation of the people who are signing up
for these shops.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Because they'd have to be certified to be Yeah, I'm
pretty sure.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
I don't know much about how they do that, but yeah,
like the people like the nurses anyway obviously have to
be certified, but they have what they call texts like
tec hs, like a like a health exactly exactly. Yeah,
so they have texts, and I don't think they have
to be certified. If they do, it's like probably a
(31:57):
very easy process. But the people that I have been
interacted with who are texts are just any motherfucker off
the street, you know. It's just like people just yeah,
people just like you know, and it's like they don't
like some of the people. And again I'm not trying
to be generalizing here, but some of the people that
I've dealt with like have egos and they go on
(32:19):
power trips and they feel like because in these four
walls or this hallway or whatever, like they have power,
they like to exert that power. And yeah, I had
a situation where actually, in two separate hospitals, I was
like taken to the isolation room because I was being
too rambunctious or whatever.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Give a question too about the isolation room.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Yeah, yeah, so the first time it happened was in
twenty seventeen, and it was in this all women's you know, facility,
and there was this woman who I'm still friends with
to this day. We actually keep in touch. We've like,
we've gone a brunch, we've got a concerts together. Yeah,
it was She's an amazing person. Shout out to her.
(33:03):
But yeah, we I was there and she was brought
in and she was just crying and crying and crying,
and nobody was consoling her. No, but it was asking
her what was up again, nobody really having that personable
nature that you need to like work in a place
like that. So I was like, why is nobody helping her?
And somebody like a tech got my face and he
was like, you know, go in your room like this
(33:26):
doesn't concern you. And then I've like gotten his face
and then yeah, legs, use the buck out of me.
So yeah, I got right back in his face and
then he like took me to the ground and dragged
me to the isolation room. And I was only in
there for maybe like thirty minutes score an hour, but
it was still like damn Like it wasn't like your
(33:48):
traditional pad room. It was the floors were definitely bouncier
than your typical linoleum or whatever. But it wasn't like,
you know, the the white padding. I wasn't in a
street jacket. It wasn't anything like that. It was just like, okay, girl,
you want to act up, You're going to go in
here for a bit. So, you know, they locked the door,
and I remember being in there and wondering all these
(34:10):
manic thoughts and you know, like maybe my identity changed,
maybe they don't know who I am, you know, like
random shit. So yeah, they finally let me out, and
then her, she and I you know, started to like
kind of talk a little bit, and you know, after
we were released, we became friends. And that's how that
story went. So yeah. And then the latest time, the
(34:32):
second time that I was in putting an isolation room,
I was talking to my grandmother on the phone. And
I have a very complex relationship with her, and I
guess I was like not being kind to her. I
was probably cussing her out for some shit she did
decades ago. I don't know, but one of the texts
was like, you can't talk to your grandma that way,
(34:54):
And I was like, who the fuck are you to
tell me, Mike, I'm talking to Marc.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
So like I hung up the phone and like he
was just like telling me, you know, what I should
and shouldn't be doing. And I was like, bro, if
you don't, if you don't, shut up and get out
of my face.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
And I guess it.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Is every time, it's it's I feel like it's rarely
the women who work in facilities who like want to
act up, because I guess it's because they know that
like we can actually fight fight, but like you know,
but the men, for some reason, they're the ones who
are like ready to like go, and that's it is
(35:36):
it very much is. So this particular tech, you know,
he like grabbed me, put me in a choke hold
and like put like you know, took me to the
isolation room and there was another male tech who was
(35:56):
in there as well, and like they were just like
trying to hold me down and like having in the
show hold and shit, and I was like I'm not
trying to die up in here. So I just started
screw I just like trigger warning. I was just screaming
right right right because I was like I'm getting out
of this shit. I'm not about to be choked to
death in no fucking hospital, right.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
You know, with two niggas in earth.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, what am I supposed to
do aside and get out of this situation. So the
nurse who was on duty like came running in because
she heard me screaming. And then finally they were just like, okay,
well we'll get up, but you got to stay here
for like a day or Yeah, they were not with
me at all, but yeah, so moving forward, me like
(36:36):
it was two there were two black guys to the
two texts, and one of them would try to like
be friendly with me after that, and I was like,
I have nothing to say to you, and the other
one just like, we'll give me my snacks and going
about his business. So, you know, it was just like
it's such a weird dynamic of you know, especially these
(36:57):
people who don't have all the training in the world
when it comes to how to deal with mental health patience.
But yeah, it's a trip.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
And then also you I was reading your article and
you were talking about the conditions of the hospital and
you were also talking about how you and your friend
felt like y'all was eating dog food.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
Oh yes, yes, oh my god. Yeah, so that was
the first place. I know, I'm like jumping from experience
to experience, but it's all the same really, But yeah,
the first place, in the second place terrible food. It
was awful. But the last two places not bad, you know.
But the first one, I literally would eat bread and
(37:37):
drink milk, like that's all I ate and I lost
so much weight it was crazy. But yeah, it was
just like it was just they you could tell like
some of the things they just like the snacks they
would have, like PB and J sandwiches, and then you
could like taste the freezer burn on it. You know.
It was like they were just doing whatever they wanted
(37:58):
to do. And the act tue meals were just like
it just looked like slop. It was gross. And the
guy that I became close to at that facility, he's
the one that was like, Yo, this is dog food.
Fuck this. And I was like, oh my god, be quiet,
like we have to eat this, and you know, he
was like, no, we don't. We don't have to stay
quiet in this bitch, Like what are you talking about.
(38:19):
So yeah, he taught me a lot. But yeah, it
was two of the four places it was not a
good experience with the food, but the other two places
it was like who's decent?
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Mmm? And you also talked about the lack of hair products,
and I'm like, oh, wow, I didn't you won't even
think about things like that that was so important, especially
to women of color.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
Yes, yes, ma'am, Oh my god, it's so yeah. The
first hospital, I was obviously not expecting to stay there,
and you know, like my hair was a mess when
I got out, and I ended up having to get
like an undercut that I still have today, and that
was like six years ago. So yeah, it was just
(39:00):
like and I couldn't.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
Afford, well, she has a lot of.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
Hair, y'all. It's nice, Yes it is. My puff is puffin.
But yeah, so yeah, I didn't at that point. I
couldn't afford to like go to a hair salon and
have somebody tease out all those tangles. So I did
the best I could, and then my brother's friend just
like cut up the back where I couldn't really entangle it.
(39:26):
And yeah, the second experience, I just happened to get
my hair flat out, flat ironed shortly before I was hospitalized,
so I just kept it up in a bun and
I didn't wash it for I think I was there
for about a yeah, four weeks I was there, so
that's how I did that. And then the third day,
I had my hair in a natural puff and it
(39:49):
was it got a little tangled, you know, towards the end,
but luckily I was able to afford a hairstylist or
a salon visit. So I told them, you know, like
I just got out of the hospital, if you can help,
and they were very tender and caring. And then the
last one, this black woman, actually she saw me when
I first came in and I had my hair in
(40:10):
a natural puff again, and I guess she knew that
I was going to be there for a minute, so
she just took the time to braid my hair for me,
like in the hospital. And that was like one of
the most touching things that anybody could have done, because,
as you were saying, like the products are scarce, as
it is, like some of the facilities they just give
you like body wash and say wash your hair with this,
(40:33):
and I'm like, you do not understand, like that's not
going to work for me. So she, you know, she
kind of understood that I needed some help in that moment,
and she just had me down. I know, I wish
I knew her name. I wish I did, But I
saw her toward the end of that stay and I
was like, and she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, how
are you? You know, obviously I was doing better, not
quite one hundred percent, but I was better. And she
(40:56):
was just like telling me, like, you know, just focus
on taking care of yourself and everything. And I just
thank her for what she did. So yeah, that's how
that played out for those four separate stays.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
And during our last conversation, you share your thoughts on
being sedated. So I was doing some research on sedation
and there are a lot of cases where patients were
included in clinical trials and didn't know it, and some
institutions were not authorized to do so. So when you
hear stories like this, how does that make you feel?
Speaker 2 (41:28):
Honestly, it doesn't surprise me. It really doesn't. It's fucking
frustrating because that's bullshit. Like this is the thing about
mental health and mental illness. Nobody knows the right answer.
You know. Nobody has a magic pill, nobody has a
magic injection. This shit is complicated and it's different for everybody.
(41:49):
It's a big guessing game. It's all experimentation. So when
I hear something like that that hospitals and facilities and
institutions are literally taking people like treating them like guinea
pigs and being like, oh, let's see how this works
on this person, you know, especially I'm sure they're doing
it on black people. People you know are exactly you
(42:10):
know they are, so yeah, it's just like it's extremely
disheartening because it just takes away your your autonomy, your agency,
and it doesn't they don't ask you like would you
like to be a part of this trial? Of course,
not like that's why they don't ask, I'm sure, but
you know.
Speaker 1 (42:26):
The health effects is gonna have on you in the
long run, Like that's the scary.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Part, exactly exactly. It's really wild. It's it's you would
think that in twenty twenty two, almost twenty twenty three
at this point, that we would have a better grip
on how we treat people and how we construct these
trials in order to get better information about how a
drug may or may not work. But we're still honestly
(42:53):
stuck in some of those older eras where it's like,
you know, like the Tuskegee experiment, you know, like we're
they just like didn't tell people the truth or right,
you know, like it's just it's just it's not just
like that because obviously that was completely awful and terrible
and life threatening. But but we don't know what, yeah, exactly,
we don't know what these drugs are gonna do. Like
(43:15):
we don't Like I was allergic to the first medication
I ever got for my mental health and it gave
me like a full body rash and I was just
dealing with it and I didn't know, Like I went
to hospitals doctors like they were like, well, we can't
do this until we have this person's approval, and then
they would say we can't do this without this person's approval.
So I was just like I was like, well, fuck it,
I'm gonna stop taking the meds. And I did, and
(43:37):
then I ended up being hospitalized a second time. So
you know, like I said, it's just a big experiment.
Nobody knows what the right or wrong answer is. It's
just like let's do this and hope for the best,
or let's do this and we'll just see what happens
to this person. They might not even hope for.
Speaker 1 (43:54):
The best, right, So what would you say would be
an alternative or being sedated? Because I don't think sedation
that that's just crazy to me. Yeah, I see a
different way for you to be able to calm somebody
down exactly.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
Wow, what's an alternative? I mean, you know, like I
said isolation rooms earlier, They're not perfect, but it does
give people a chance to kind of exhaust themselves to
the point where they can naturally calm down and number, yeah,
possibly remember because there are so many weeks of my
(44:33):
life that I don't remember because I was sedated. So
you know, it's just like, how can we do this
in a humane way? You know? And you know, whether
that be like, like I said earlier, having a designated
person to sit down with folks and be like, what
are you going through? What issues have you recently you know,
excavated from your past, Like what have you been through?
(44:55):
What are you going through? What will you go through?
Anything like that I feel be more helpful than just
injecting somebody and hoping they shut.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Down right and lobotomies. Oh my god, yo, that I
couldn't imagine what that ship is crazy? How is that?
How can you do that? How can you perform that
in the state. Is okay with that?
Speaker 2 (45:18):
Yeah, it's I don't girl, it's it's a lot. Even
just again talking about one flow over the Cuckoo's it's
like that shit was wild. But yeah, Lobotomi's it's like
some horror movie shit. You know, it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
Take me out, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
Exactly, Like I would rather not deal with the effects
of something so severe, like you want people to be
sane quote unquote that bad that you're willing to literally
do that to someone and just like be like, oh,
well we tried, or you know what I mean. It's like,
what the It's crazy, It's really crazy. Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
So Thanksgiving just passed a few weeks ago, and I
saw on one of your TikTok videos that you spent
Thanksgiving a few years ago doing one of your days.
When you look back on how far you came, how
does it make you feel?
Speaker 2 (46:16):
Man, it makes me feel very proud, you know. I
that was I remember that day talking to my family
and a couple of friends and over the phone and
just being like, I miss y'all, wish I could spend
time with y'all, you know, And it was just like, damn,
I can't believe I'm in this bitch like again, you know. So,
(46:38):
you know, granted it was a different facility, but still
like being like institutionalized remains the same across the board.
But yeah, I'm very happy that, you know, even though
my Thanksgiving was a bit on the complicated side, I
was free, you know, and I was able to like
spend it with my sister and my loved one and
(47:00):
just you know, be able to really appreciate what I
have and how far I've come because it's been a journey.
It has been one Always a journey, child, ain't it.
Every time? Every time it's like, all right, I made
it through that stage, Let's get to the next stage.
(47:20):
And then you make it to the next stage. It's
like it's always something progressive, you know, hopefully progressive. So yeah,
I'm very happy that I, you know, am now past
three years of not having had an episode. So I
pray and I hope and I wish that I you
on this path. Thank you, thank you, you know, And
(47:41):
that's that's the hope.
Speaker 1 (47:43):
Yes, And if someone is considering checking themselves in, what
is some advice you would give to them?
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Research where you're going. Yes, that's of the utmost importance.
You have to figure out if you do feel like
you need extended help. Figure out Number one, is there
a facility that is not a hospital? You know, like
because I think of the three of three of the
(48:12):
four places I stayed were psych wards in an overall hospital,
and then one of them was like a facility facility
that was specifically for mental health purposes. So that was
my favorite one because they had the equipment, they had
the space, they had mostly the staff that was willing
to be there for that reason. So I really enjoyed,
(48:34):
not enjoyed, but you know that was the place that
caused me the most comfortable harm. Yeah, exactly. You know,
so research where you're gonna go, and you know, figure
out like does an inpatient ooh, does an inpatient experience
work for you? Because some people may need outpatient help,
(48:56):
you know, where you just like talk to a therapist,
or you consider going to a psychiatrist for a medication purposes,
anything like that you can do in out patient. But
if you really think you need to be inpatient, research
where you're going and try to figure out like are
they going to hold you, you know, for longer than
you anticipate because I had another person close to me
(49:20):
earlier this year going through a crisis, and you know,
we tried to find them help and we couldn't find
anywhere that wasn't going to like hold them for an
extended amount of time and they had to like get
things going. They're about to start a new, you know,
position at work, and they were just trying to get
their head together, and you know, we couldn't find any
place like that. So, you know, if there are any
(49:43):
kinds of facilities that are specifically for mental health, I
would say opt for those. But if not, then at
least research the hospital that has the psych wards or
wings and figure out, like, you know, would this be
conducive to my health, would this be a purposeful experience,
because sometimes they do more harm than good. So you know,
(50:05):
just make sure that the place you're going to is
actually for the greater good.
Speaker 1 (50:08):
And you better off just being on the street trying
to figure it out.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
And we know we've already talked about that, so yeah,
it's just yeah, some of these places are made for
made for the benefit of its patients, and some of
these places are made for the benefit of the people
who are making money, So you know, you just got
to be real smart and real intentional about how you
go about finding the right place right.
Speaker 1 (50:34):
And I'm just curious, does insurance take care of this?
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Yes? Oh so yeah, insurance does to an extent. Like
one of the places I stayed, it was like it
was a crazy amount of money. It was like hundreds
of thousands of dollars, and I was like I can't
be that, you know, so like insurance cover a portion
of it. But then I was able to like get
it down to like a thousands of dollars. So it
(51:01):
really like if if you're willing to like work with them,
they can like help you figure out a payment system.
But yeah, for the most part, it's not cheap to
like be hospitalized. I think one time, or the first time,
I think I was on Medicaid, so that helped a lot.
But yeah, it's it's not a cheap thing to do, right. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:24):
As always, I really appreciate speaking to you. I can't
believe an hour I already flew by child.
Speaker 2 (51:29):
I know I was looking at the time, like for real,
I know we both looked at like damn. Well.
Speaker 1 (51:36):
Then I felt like I just cannot wait for you
to share more of your story because I know you
have such an inspiring story just from you telling us
about your experience at the age of a and I
was like, wow, I wasn't even expecting that. So I
really look forward to your your second book that's coming out.
Speaker 2 (51:54):
Thank you. Yeah, fingers crossed, that's like next on my
to do list. I really want to write a memoir.
Speaker 1 (52:00):
You should or you should do your show us something exactly.
Oh my, soy, because I just feel like we need
a lot of representation when it comes to topics like this,
and I think people really need to feel seen so
they can know that it will be okay because your
story is just such a beautiful story.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (52:24):
Of course, of course, and that's it, y'all. So if
y'all have any questions coming to then serias, please make
sure to email me a hello at the psgpodcast dot com.
And until next time, everyone later.
Speaker 2 (52:37):
Bye y'all.
Speaker 1 (52:45):
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app app a podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and break the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PhD Podcast
Host
Eboné Almon
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