June 19, 2025 • 38 mins
Do you feel as though you’re living in a constant whirlwind of deadlines, drama, and endless tasks, yet secretly feel a thrill from the chaos? This episode unpacks the question, ‘are we addicted to chaos?’ and why our brains might actually be drawn to this tumultuous state. We dive into the neurochemical rewards that hook us, how this plays out in our relationships and careers, and the hidden costs of living in perpetual overwhelm. We look at the deeper psychological roots and learn actionable steps to cultivate intentional calm amidst life's inevitable pressures.
Things we discuss:
• Why dopamine and adrenaline make chaos feel rewarding
• The draw of novelty, intensity, and seeking stimulation
• How chaos manifests in our lives
• The hidden costs of chronic chaos
• Psychological roots of our addiction to chaos
• Actionable strategies to reclaim calm and redefine productivity in your twenties
If your life feels like a constant fire drill, or you suspect you secretly thrive on the last-minute rush, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra: https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=b6ad5d555c1940e0
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The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the Psychology of your twenties. Have you ever looked at
your life, or maybe the life of other people around you,
and thought, is it always going to be this busy?
(00:46):
Is it always going to be this chaotic? Do we
ever get a break? Or is it just this constant
drum in the back of your head of drama, of
overwhelm of things to do. You're always on the go,
You're always reacting, always just a little bit on. Maybe,
just maybe there is also a part of you that
(01:08):
thrives on it, that feels most alive. Shall we say,
when the stakes are really really high, when the deadline
is tomorrow, when the relationship is on the brink. I
know I've definitely had those moments. What we're talking about
today is chaos. The nature of chaos, the kind that
isn't accidental, but sometimes almost invited, the kind that makes
(01:31):
you wonder, am I addicted to this? Am I the
problem is the reason or my friendships have failed, the
jobs didn't work out. I feel behind, I feel on edge?
Is that maybe my tolerance for chaos and the fact
that I always feel like I need to crash out
or explode my life for it to be entertaining. Now,
(01:53):
I don't mean when I say this that we are
all out here actively trying to sabotage our lives and
cause drama. Most of us are, I think, consciously striving
for peace and stability. But if we're honest, sometimes unconsciously
we do our best in the state of urgency, that
hum of drama, that staticness feels normal, even exhilarating. How
(02:19):
do we break that habit? How do we break the
curse of feeling addicted to chaos and feel comfortable in
stillness and comfortable in peace? This is something that I've
been thinking about a lot, especially after receiving a few
messages from you all who basically shared the same sentiment.
How can I tell if I'm the problem? How can
(02:39):
I break out of this pattern? So today we are
diving headfirst into the question are we addicted to chaos?
We are going to investigate why we might inadvertently be
drawn to situations that are fraught with tension and that
have a sense of urgency. We're going to look at
how this plays out and our relationships, why we may
(03:01):
crave excitement and anxiety over safety in our romantic relationships,
our personal lives, our careers. And we're going to get
into the often hidden, deeper reasons why we might cling
to this tumultuous state or might unconsciously sabotage our efforts
for peace, and crucially, what do we do about it?
(03:22):
What are the small mental shifts that we need to
take to embrace stillness, to embrace the discomfort of standing
still without feeling like our lives aren't moving in the
correct direction, and so much more so without further ado,
Let's explore whether, deep down we are addicted to chaos
and what to do about it. Okay, let's cut straight
(03:49):
to the chase. Why does chaos, or rather the resolution
of chaos sometimes feel so frickin' good? What's really happened here?
As a bit of a neurochemical rollercoaster that in subtle
ways makes us addicted to urgency, not because of how
good it feels in the moment, but because of how
good we feel afterwards. When you're facing a crisis such
(04:13):
as a looming deadline, or relationship argument, or an unexpected problem,
your body kicks into high gear. This is your sympathetic
nervous system taking over, initiating the very famous fight or
flight response. As a response to that, your brain is
going to release adrenaline, it's going to release cortisol, the
primary stress hormones. Your heart rate goes up, your senses sharpened,
(04:37):
you have this burst of energy. This is obviously used
as a primal survival mechanism. It's meant to be designed well.
It is designed to help us quickly react to danger.
But here's the kicker. When you resolve that crisis, when
you escape the danger, when you survive, when you meet
the deadline, when you clear your inbox, there's a drop
in those stress hormones, and often as a response, your
(04:59):
brain releases dopamine, it releases damnt, and that feeling of
relief is what we're actually after, is what we actually crave.
Your brain, being the incredibly efficient learning machine that it is,
actually starts to associate this crisis resolution dopamine hit cycle
with reward rather than with the stress and the anxiety
(05:22):
and the panic that came before. So the chaos itself
is uncomfortable, but the payoff of getting through it is
so rewarding that that's actually the thing we start to chase.
If it feels counterintuitive, it really is. It's not just
that we want stress. We get used to the reward.
The same way that people love scary movies, love endurance sports,
(05:46):
all those kinds of things. They've reason they love them
is because of the secondary emotion and the secondary reaction
that comes with living through them. This can be explained
by principles of operant conditioning, where a behavior so engaging
with or creating chaos is reinforced by a positive outcome,
the dopamine rush of resolution, so that we continue to
(06:09):
engage in it to get the reward. Of course, in
this situation, some of the wires have kind of been
cross but regardless, this underlying dopinogenic principle is why this
practice and these patterns of behavior do feel so addictive.
Beyond the pure neurochemistry, there is also, of course, a
psychological draw to novelty, and intensity. Our brains are wired,
(06:35):
hardwired to pay attention to new, surprising, intense stimuli. In fact,
one of my favorite studies ever conducted actually found that
having more novel and new experiences actually creates the illusion
of more time in our days and therefore our lives.
So our brain is really looking for that newness. Calm, consistent,
(06:55):
predictable routines. Whilst they're healthy, they don't necessarily provide the
same kind of immediate sensory and emotional stimulation or sense
of expansiveness compared to this constant flux and unpredictability. And
this is the deeper problem, is that we start to
equate chaos to the sense of being alive and truly
(07:16):
experiencing things. It's the opposite of boredom, and for many
of us, especially in our twenties, where we are constantly
seeking out new experiences, we are pushing boundaries. We don't
want to miss out on anything critical and fun and exciting.
Avoiding boredom avoiding plainness can be a powerful motivator. Research
(07:36):
on sensation seeking, which is this trait where we really
seek out newness and novelty, shows that individuals with higher
needs for varied novel and complex sensations might actually unconsciously
gravitate towards me more chaotic and stimulating environments. So in
these studies they were the ones who ran towards the fire. Essentially,
they were the ones who got involved in the drama.
(07:58):
And on this point of novelty intensity is also worth
touching on ADHD. For individuals with ADHD, there is a
known difference in how your brain processes and regulates dopamine
and also its counterpart nor a penefherent which you need
dopamine in order to release and for your brain to understand.
(08:19):
The brains of people with ADHD have an imbalance of dopamine,
specifically notably normally lower levels of dopamine in certain brain regions,
but also there is research that's beginning to support that
they also have fewer dopamine receptors and more of this
protein that actually cleans up dopamine on the sign aps,
(08:39):
meaning that dopamine messages will remain available in your brain
for less time, so the happiness fades quicker. All of
this basically means that they can really struggle with maintaining
motivation because dopamine is not just the happy chemical. It
is responsible for motivation. It's responsible for feeling feeling aligned
(09:00):
with something, wanting to do something. It also means that
they're threshed for the positive feelings is a lot higher,
so they have to experience more to get to a
point of enjoyment or exhilaration compared to someone who doesn't
have this irregulation. So this can lead to the drive
for novelty and high stimulation as the brain seeks to
achieve optimal arousal and a consistent flow of dopamine because
(09:24):
of how the system may not be working. So if
you have ADHD, for those of you with ADHD, constant demands,
shifting priorities, the rush of last minute deadlines that actually
can feel pretty safe for you, that actually can feel
quite normal. It can make you feel focused, It can
(09:44):
make you feel engaged, even productive in a way that calmer,
more predictable environments don't. And it's not that ADHD causes
an addiction to chaos. It's that the underlying neurological differences
can make chaotic environments feel more engaging or even feel
more comfortable, feel more right for some individuals, making it
(10:09):
harder for them to step away from this intensity. So
It's very important to understand this distinction between our addiction
to chaos as a learned habit versus as a symptom
of a brain that is wired just a little bit differently. However,
for those addicted to chaos as a learned habit, many
perceive there to be positive side effects of chaos, and
(10:33):
that acts as the primary hook for this pattern. People
who thrive in these environments, they often are incredibly effective
in a crisis. They think quickly on their feet, they
can problem solve under immense pressure. They get things done
when others might freeze. So it does feel like an asset.
You do feel quite competent. You can go where no
(10:56):
one else can go. You can do things that other
people might not be able to do. And so, in
a period where we're forming our identity and our self concept,
the fact that we are good at doing this, at
putting out fires can feel quite validating and powerful. There's
a certain thrill in being praised for this last minute performance,
or for constantly proving people that you can overcome a challenge.
(11:20):
Let's also not forget a crucial element to this, which
is perceived control. Humans want to be in control. We
want to feel like we matter. We want to feel
like we can create change, we can do things, we
can manage our environment, that we have a say. Whilst
chaos might seem like the opposite of control, sometimes by
creating it artificially or deliberately, we reclaim a sense of
(11:43):
agency because we create just enough chaos that we can
feel in charge. This can be particularly appealing if you
feel like you lack control in other areas of your life.
So if your career progression is slow, or major life
decisions feel out of your hands, then the manageable case
of a relationship, or of going out all the time,
(12:03):
or of crashing out on the weekends, or of doing
like insane stuff can almost feel productive. It can feel exhilarating.
It can feel like you have something to do. The
problems emerge when controlled chaos becomes uncontrolled, unmanageable, and maladaptive.
Hopefully I've made this clear that this isn't about some
(12:24):
grand conscious plan to live in constant turmoil and we
like throwing things up on the air and seeing where
they land. It's actually our brain's quest for a reward.
It's our brain's quest for stimulation, it's our brain's quest
for competence, self efficacy, to feel like we can manage
the problems throned us. Okay, we're going to take a
(12:46):
short break, but when we return, let's talk about some
of the ways this manifests in our lives, why you
may end up regretting decisions made in the heat of
the moment, and most importantly, how to actually crave peace, stillness,
stability over the comfort of urgency to stay with us.
(13:12):
Let's get real about how this plays out in the
daily fabric of our lives, especially for us in our twenties.
Once you start looking for it, you'll see that chaos
isn't just about external events. It's a pattern of thinking
and a pattern of behavior that slowly weaves its way
into everything. Specifically, the thing that's closest in orbit to us,
(13:36):
the thing that often matters more than anything our relationships,
and it manifests in relationship drama. We've all seen it.
We've all experienced it. Maybe we've even unconsciously participated in it.
The breaking up, getting back together, the explosive fights, ignoring
someone when you know it's not healthy to know too,
and throwing like the back and forth. For some a
(14:00):
relationship feels boring or stale without a certain level of intensity.
This can be fueled by that neurochemical rollercoaster, of course
that we just discussed, But for other people that can
also be that calm relationships feel uncomfortable and feel boring.
(14:21):
If you are used to unhealthy love, sometimes healthy love
can be equally, if not more challenging, because you have
to adapt to a new way of communicating, a new
way of problem solving, and your love isn't constantly being
proven through the resolution of conflict, so you have to
create that conflict to feel the same excitement or anxiety
(14:44):
that you're used to. Individuals with an insecure attachment style,
of course, are more drawn to this see this happening
more often, and might unconsciously unconsciously gravitate towards drama because
it mirrors familiar patterns of attention and connection from earlier life,
from your childhood, even if those patterns you know they
(15:07):
are unhealthy. There's another phenomena attached to this, something that
I actually talked about in my book quite a lot.
It's called repetition compulsion. Repetition compulsion is a psychological pattern
whereby we unconsciously recreate familiar emotional experiences from our past,
(15:30):
often ones that are chaotic or painful, in an attempt
to gain control or resolution, in an attempt to gain mastery,
to break the internal cycle. In relationships, of course, this
looks like gravitating towards partners who bring up drama, who
bring up instability, not because we want to suffer, but
because it mirrors a very comfortable emotional landscape. And we
(15:54):
say to ourselves, if I can make it out this time,
if I can fix this, if I can bring this
up under my control, if we can make it work well,
then that means that in all these other situations, it
wasn't my fault. In all these other situations, it wasn't me.
It can be this unconscious effort to get it right
this time, to finally receive the love, validation, stability that
(16:16):
we were denied before. The irony, of course, being that
instead of healing, we end up stuck in cycles that
actually repeat and deepen the original wound. So we pick fights,
we go hot and cold, We even think about doing
things like flirting with someone else or cheating on our partner.
It's a way to feel seen. It's a way to
(16:38):
get attention, because attention feels like love. It's a way
to what we think is build intimacy through conflict, because
we think that intimacy is born from volatility. This really
connects to this very interesting concept called the drama triangle.
It's a concept from something called transactional analysis, which is
(17:00):
psychological model essentially developed to describe destructive relationship patterns. And
how it goes is that the triangle outlines three roles,
three roles that people unconsciously adopt in conflict. The victim
who feels powerless and seeks rescue, the rescuer who tries
to fix others and fix their problems, and the persecutor,
(17:21):
who criticizes or controls to feel superior. These roles are
fluid and people often shift between them within the same interaction.
A chaos addict, though, might constantly find themselves in one
of these roles, perpetuating drama. The average person hopefully isn't
in the triangle at all. But if you're addicted to chaos,
(17:42):
you may find yourself creating situations where you need to
be rescued. You may find yourself in situations where you
are allowed to rescue someone else, where you get to
be the problem solver. You may find yourself stirring the pot.
It is a way of being constantly engaged, constantly relevant,
even if the engagement comes from negative interactions. There is,
(18:04):
of course a cost to this conflict. Resolution might create
a big dopamine hit, It might make you feel like
you've won and you've pushed through some issue, but perpetual
drama will erode trust in intimacy one hundred percent of
the time, partners and friends, they love you, they care
about you. They also hopefully care about themselves and may
get tired of that emotional rollercoaster. They might also feel
(18:27):
like they're being used as I guess props in your
personal drama. They're exhausted, they're in a constant state of
crisis themselves. Research on relationship dynamics consistently shows that stable,
secure relationships, they thrive on predictability, They thrive on an
emotional safety, not constant upheaval, and genuine connection really does
(18:49):
require that we are calm and regulated and that we
can co regulate together. So if there's a constant urged
to find chaos and to find drama, that's not going
to necessarily compute or fit. That's the consequence of relationships.
An addiction to chaos will also obviously impact things like
(19:10):
our career. This is massive for our twenties. We are
often juggling multiple roles, immense pressure, a glorified need to
seem busy. How many of us secretly thrive in that
environment where there is a last minute deadline. You procrastinate,
you let the pressure build, maybe because of perfectionism, then
you pull out an all nighter and you do something brilliant.
(19:32):
This is called an urgency addiction. If you find that
you can only really get stuff done at the last
minute or under a crunch, maybe because you have become
reliant on this adrenaline rush. You've become reliant on stress
hormones to motivate you. It does actually lead to a
false sense of productivity because you feel busy and you
(19:54):
feel rushed, and you feel exhilarated, even though you're not
actually being necessarily efficient or productive. You're not strategically moving forward,
but you are fueled by the thrill. This is a
classic example of procrastination cycles being reinforced by the relief
of completion, even if the overall process is inefficient and stressful.
(20:15):
Research by psychologists who are studying chronic procrastination consistently shows
that the short term relief can overshadow the long term costs.
And let's be real. In a world that is praising
hustle culture and praising the grind, it is easy to
mistake exhaustion for effort and constant, very high level urgency
(20:36):
and activity for actual progression. But what are you actually
doing to your body? Busyness is such a status symbol.
You're always overscheduling, you never have downtime, You're jumping from
one project to the next, and so you may conflate
being overwhelmed with being important, with being valuable, with being interesting.
It's like a badge of honor. And I've done it.
(20:58):
I have done it so many times. I was so
guilty of this in university. People would want to hang
out and I'd be like, oh, no, I'm so busy.
I'm so busy, Like I've never been busier. I've constantly
got all these things on my plate. And it was
this weird thing where eventually I had to ask myself,
what do I have to prove? What do I have
to prove to these people by allowing them to assume
(21:22):
that I am you know, I don't know by allowing
them to assume that I've constantly got things on. By
letting them assume or believe that I am the busiest
person in any room, what am I trying to prove.
I'm trying to prove that I'm important. I'm trying to
prove that I can work hard. That's really what this is.
The most obvious cost of this all is, of course, burnout.
(21:43):
Constantly operating in a high stress, high adrenaline mode is unsustainable.
Your body is designed for short bursts of stress, not
a stress marathon. Chronic stress of this kind will elevate
cortisol levels that will create sleep problems a week immune system.
You will get sick more easily, digestive issues, increased anxiety,
(22:04):
even an increased risk of depression. You feel perpetually exhausted,
You feel irritable, you feel disconnected, even if you think
you're okay, even if you think you haven't really had enough.
You don't deserve to be burnt out. Your body doesn't
care if you feel like you deserve to be burnt out.
If you're burnt out, you're burnt out, and you're going
(22:25):
to feel terrible, and there's no ignoring that. Your body
will adapt for as long as possible, and then it
will collapse. And as soon as you feel a little
bit better, you might feel the instinct to push again,
and then you'll collapse. And can you see what kind
of toll this takes on you. You're not a machine where
we can go out and buy another part. I can't
go out and buy a new battery for my body.
(22:48):
I can't go out and buy a new system of
organs that are going to sustain me if I keep
putting them under such immense pressure that they collapse. You
have to ask yourself what is your love for chaos
costing you in the long run. If you're in your
twenties right now, it can feel like you could keep
going forever. You can't. One day you will feel the toll,
(23:12):
and you'll look back and be like, why was I
so busy? What was that all for? We also have
to consider my lovely listeners, whether it might this whole
thing might actually be a sophisticated form of avoidance and
looking away from something deeper. Let's have that conversation for
a second. The avoidance of stillness and introspection is massive
(23:33):
for people in their twenties. We are often grappling with
very big questions. Who am I? What do I want?
Am I good enough? What is the meaning of all this?
What is my future going to be? Like? These questions
really to require quiet reflection and sometimes sitting with really
uncomfortable existential feelings, because that's how we figure out what
(23:55):
we believe in, and that's how we integrate hard thoughts,
hard things, hard truths into our life. If you're asking
big questions like what is the meaning of all this,
and you really don't have even a single answer, and
it's getting louder and louder and louder, and you don't
know where to start, chaos provides a brilliant noisy distraction.
(24:19):
Research on avoidance highlights how people often engage in these
kinds of excessive, harmful behaviors to escape unwanted internal experiences,
even if those behaviors are, of course ultimately unhelpful. The
negative consequence of living in chaos feels less significant than
(24:39):
the negative concept of the negative consequence of internal chaos
that is probably taking over, because once we stop spinning
and rushing, you might look around and be like, oh
my god, look at this big pile of crap that
I have to deal with this anxiety, this self doubt,
this loneliness, this unresolved trauma. This is so uncomfort. What
(25:01):
if I just run back into the fire. What if
I just find another problem that takes priority, then I
won't have to think about it. Recognizing those deeper roots
is the first step towards breaking free. Congratulations if you
have done it, you're not a bad person for thriving
in chaos. You're not a bad person for the things
that you have done previously to avoid hard thoughts. But
(25:24):
it is time that we shift away from this deeply
ingrained pattern. Because you are meant to be present for life,
you are meant to want to strive towards things. You
will realize that life does feel easier at a lower frequency.
With that in mind, we are going to take a
short break. But when we return, I have five tips,
just five tips for you to master chaos in your
(25:45):
life and turn your pursuit of irregularity and chaos into
the pursuit of a regulated nervous system, internal harmony, in
a piece, whatever you want to call it, stay with us.
Our goal here is not to become a zen master
(26:05):
suddenly overnight change never works that way. Our brains don't
work that way. It takes time to build a habit,
even longer to undo an impulse like our attraction to
chaos that has probably been around for some time. It
is a worthwhile investment. What we're going to talk about
is cultivating awareness, making some really conscious small choices, and
(26:28):
just gently persistently rewiring those ingrain patterns. Here are a
few actionable thoughts things I really want you to consider
and maybe even try this week, drawing on all the
psychology that we've already talked about today. Firstly, I need
you to figure out your personal chaos triggers and what
(26:51):
you're actually getting out of it. You might ask yourself
the following questions. When do I feel most alive during
calm moments or in a crisis? Where did that come from?
What situations or people consistently create drama or stress in
(27:12):
my life? Does that stress actually leave me feeling good?
Do I ever feel uncomfortable when things are going smoothly?
What do I do in those moments or don't do
in those moments that I should be doing? What role
do I usually play in conflict? Am I the fixer,
the victim, the instigator? Where do I sit in the triangle.
(27:36):
What reward do I get from chaos? Is it attention, adrenaline, control, distraction?
What emotion do I avoid by staying busy, overwhelmed or
in a crisis mode? If peace felt safe and felt rewarding,
(27:57):
What would my life actually look like? What would I
be able to avoid? What do I need to change
to get there? All of this is about mapping your
specific chaos cycle and style, and once you do that,
you will have a much clearer idea of what you're
actually battling against. Next, and this is probably the toughest one,
especially if you are wide for intensity, is that you
(28:19):
have to try stillness as an alternative. I'm going to
challenge you to ignore constant noise, constant stimulation. Don't just
immediately put on music when you feel overwhelmed. Don't just
watch TV as you make dinner. Don't just go on
your phone immediately after you have a bad thought. Don't
try and find things that are chaotic to be interested in.
(28:43):
Just give yourself tiny moments where you are allowed to
just hold heavy emotions in your hands, almost when you
are allowed to just experience them for a tiny pocket
and then move on. Sit, breathe, your brain is going
to scream at you for STI simulation. You will feel restless,
You maybe will feel anxious. This is just your nervous
(29:05):
system which is used to being on hire alert, reacting
to an unfamiliar calm. But persist, even if it's just
for five minutes, because that is training your brain. It
is endurance training for your mind. Five minutes might feel impossible.
Do one minute today, two minutes tomorrow, ten minutes, twenty minutes.
You'll start to build a tolerance for stillness. You might, even,
(29:29):
dare I say it, start to find that those profound
insights that you have been avoiding actually are helpful. You
might actually like feeling peaceful. It's basically like trying to
teach your inner alance system that not every quiet moment
is a sign of impending doom, and that actually a calm, peaceful, still,
easy going, low frequency life is incredibly fulfilling and fun.
(29:55):
You know, going to the library and having a cup
of tea and going to bed at nine it's not
all that bad. It's actually very very fun. There's still
room for you to do like the high energy, high
frequency things. But if you're finding that you're using them
as a distraction. How can you bring in the alternatives
(30:15):
every now and again? How can you provide evidence to
yourself that the alternative isn't really as bad as you're
thinking that it is. If you feel addicted to chaos
as well, chances are that you might not have the
strongest boundaries, either with others or with yourself. Chaos thrives
where boundaries are permeable. So another element to this is
about drawing clear lines in the sand and honoring your
(30:39):
know When someone asks you to do something, before just
making space or before just permitting them to do it
or getting you involved, ask yourself, do I actually want this?
Is this actually going to make my day, my week,
my life better? When you go to gossip, when you
go to engage in drama, when you go to start
(31:01):
a fight, when you go to fill up your calendar,
Remember you are what you consume, including the conversations, the
social media content, the energy of others. You are what
you choose to engage in and what is around you
is that what you want to be? Is that a
healthy energy source? If you constantly feel like your energy
(31:25):
is off, if you constantly feel irritated, agitated, what are
you saying yes to in life that is creating this
that is having a domino effect on your everyday mood
and sense of self. What are you engaging in? What
chaos are you allowing because you want to stay friends
with people you shouldn't because you can't set boundaries with yourself,
because you can't turn away from what is taking from you.
(31:50):
Think of boundaries as your personal firewall against the constant
influx of external chaos. They're not walls to put people away.
They're basically like property lines that protect your precious energy,
your time, your mental peace. It's a proactive step. Really
getting to know what you do, what you do and
(32:12):
don't enjoy, and why you feel called to do the
things you don't enjoy is incredibly important because you're sending
a message to yourself that says, my piece is my priority,
even if sometimes peaceful feels boring. As we've spoken about,
a huge part of why chaos is so addictive is
the amazing feeling we get after the chaotic or stressful
period is over. So we also need to create new
(32:34):
pathways for dopamine hits from proactive preventative wins. Instead of
waiting for a fire to put out, to try and
anticipate and address potential problems and feel relief. Then, so
we're going to be breaking down our tasks into small
and manageable steps. We're going to be celebrating each small completion.
We are going to be planning our weeks. We are
(32:57):
going to be feeling a sense of pride when we
meal prep when we do the things that make our
life easier. When you call yourself out, when you schedule
your downtime first, then fill in the tasks, this shifts
you from being a reactive, chaos driven individual to a proactive,
intentional one. It also allows us to tap into delayed gratification,
(33:18):
which is probably the most useful concept in this episode.
It's also probably something that you are missing. When we're
chasing urgency. We often live in a short term gratification loop.
There is an issue resolution is delayed till the last moment,
meaning we get instant gratification. But turning your sights to
(33:38):
something that will take you longer, like an assignment or
a project that you start early and work on slowly,
or like rewiring your communication approach to foster a healthy relationship,
gives you a stronger, more powerful sense of accomplishment After
the fact than if you are just tapping into these
short wins, it's so so so much more rewarding. It's
(34:00):
like choosing the healthy option over the junk food instant gratification.
Junk food not always that bad, but not going to
make you feel great if you consume it all the time.
Long term gratification is something that nourishes you. It's more
rewarding because it taps into intrinsic satisfaction rather than just
a dopamine hit. When you engage in something over time,
(34:20):
whether it is building a healthy relationship or healing a
pattern or showing up consistently for a project, the payoff
isn't just the outcome, it's the identity shift that happened
along the way, because you start to see yourself as
someone who is capable, intentional, grounded. That builds self trust.
You are not just good in a crisis, you are
good all the time. Finally, something that really occurred to
(34:45):
me just then and when talking about this, and even
when I was writing about it, is that chaos is everywhere.
Life will never be short of chaotic, stressful, pressurized moments.
Your life can change at any moment. You don't need
to be looking at for or creating it yourself. It
will find you, I promise, it will find you in
changing circumstances and unexpected challenges. In just the unpredictable nature
(35:09):
of being alive, the external world will always present you
with a dose of inevitable turmoil. You don't need to
worry about life not being exciting, trust me. You don't
need to create the exciting moments. And if that's really
what's going on, If you're exploding your life because you're bored,
(35:31):
crashing out isn't going to solve a deeper internal dissatisfaction.
You need to be having more planned, novel experiences, planning
things that are intentionally fun, getting out of your suburb
or your town, challenging yourself instead of waiting to blow
up your life every three months when you feel unsettled.
What we're really changing here is the reliance on dopamine,
(35:52):
from the resolution of an avoidable crisis to a desire
for a deeper, soulful state of enjoyment, long term reward,
a calm emotional environment. That's going to mean that when
exciting things happen, we can appreciate them rather than feeling
like they are going to destroy our sense of self
and just set us in a tizzy. It's hard work,
(36:15):
it's worth it. So as we wrap up today, I
want to leave you with this thought. The chaos in
your life, the rush, the constant doing. It might feel
like living, but sometimes true living is found in stillness.
It is found in intentional moments, in the quiet progress,
in just a sense of peace. The more mature you get,
(36:35):
the more you will realize how desirable that is. Your
twenties are a time of immense building and immense excitement.
There's always going to be some fire to put out.
Don't create more fires for yourself. The pursuit of peace,
if you start it now, will create such a better
long term mental state and environment for you, so that
(36:58):
you're not thirty five already doing the same things. I
really hope that you did enjoy this episode. I hope
you know that I'm coming from a place of acceptance.
I was once this person I probably still am, and
also just understanding that if you love chaos, if you
love drama, excitement, sometimes that's just how you're wired. That
(37:18):
doesn't always mean that it's an excuse, and it doesn't
always mean that you can't do anything about it. Hopefully
these tips have inspired you to just take small little steps.
I'm not saying you need to submit yourself to a regular,
routined life from now until you die. I'm just saying
leave space for stillness. Hopefully these tips and just this
conversation is encouraged you to see what the alternative might be.
(37:42):
Thank you so much for listening. If you have made
it this far, thank you for being such a solid listener,
leave a little past or emoji down below. If you
have made it this far, just for whatever reason, leave
one down below so I know that you have made
it to the end of the episode, and thank you
for sticking around. Make sure you are following me on
Instagram at that Psychology podcast, and that you are also
following us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts. Wherever you are listening,
(38:05):
leave a five star review. Share this episode with a friend,
maybe even share it on Instagram if you wanted to
reach other people, you think that other people in their
twenties or beyond would get something out of it. Make
sure as well that you listen to my new podcast Mantra.
It will be linked in the episode description. And until
next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself,
Embrace peace, and stillness. Please, we will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the Psychology of your twenties. Have you ever looked at
your life, or maybe the life of other people around you,
and thought, is it always going to be this busy?
(00:46):
Is it always going to be this chaotic? Do we
ever get a break? Or is it just this constant
drum in the back of your head of drama, of
overwhelm of things to do. You're always on the go,
You're always reacting, always just a little bit on. Maybe,
just maybe there is also a part of you that
(01:08):
thrives on it, that feels most alive. Shall we say,
when the stakes are really really high, when the deadline
is tomorrow, when the relationship is on the brink. I
know I've definitely had those moments. What we're talking about
today is chaos. The nature of chaos, the kind that
isn't accidental, but sometimes almost invited, the kind that makes
(01:31):
you wonder, am I addicted to this? Am I the
problem is the reason or my friendships have failed, the
jobs didn't work out. I feel behind, I feel on edge?
Is that maybe my tolerance for chaos and the fact
that I always feel like I need to crash out
or explode my life for it to be entertaining. Now,
(01:53):
I don't mean when I say this that we are
all out here actively trying to sabotage our lives and
cause drama. Most of us are, I think, consciously striving
for peace and stability. But if we're honest, sometimes unconsciously
we do our best in the state of urgency, that
hum of drama, that staticness feels normal, even exhilarating. How
(02:19):
do we break that habit? How do we break the
curse of feeling addicted to chaos and feel comfortable in
stillness and comfortable in peace? This is something that I've
been thinking about a lot, especially after receiving a few
messages from you all who basically shared the same sentiment.
How can I tell if I'm the problem? How can
(02:39):
I break out of this pattern? So today we are
diving headfirst into the question are we addicted to chaos?
We are going to investigate why we might inadvertently be
drawn to situations that are fraught with tension and that
have a sense of urgency. We're going to look at
how this plays out and our relationships, why we may
(03:01):
crave excitement and anxiety over safety in our romantic relationships,
our personal lives, our careers. And we're going to get
into the often hidden, deeper reasons why we might cling
to this tumultuous state or might unconsciously sabotage our efforts
for peace, and crucially, what do we do about it?
(03:22):
What are the small mental shifts that we need to
take to embrace stillness, to embrace the discomfort of standing
still without feeling like our lives aren't moving in the
correct direction, and so much more so without further ado,
Let's explore whether, deep down we are addicted to chaos
and what to do about it. Okay, let's cut straight
(03:49):
to the chase. Why does chaos, or rather the resolution
of chaos sometimes feel so frickin' good? What's really happened here?
As a bit of a neurochemical rollercoaster that in subtle
ways makes us addicted to urgency, not because of how
good it feels in the moment, but because of how
good we feel afterwards. When you're facing a crisis such
(04:13):
as a looming deadline, or relationship argument, or an unexpected problem,
your body kicks into high gear. This is your sympathetic
nervous system taking over, initiating the very famous fight or
flight response. As a response to that, your brain is
going to release adrenaline, it's going to release cortisol, the
primary stress hormones. Your heart rate goes up, your senses sharpened,
(04:37):
you have this burst of energy. This is obviously used
as a primal survival mechanism. It's meant to be designed well.
It is designed to help us quickly react to danger.
But here's the kicker. When you resolve that crisis, when
you escape the danger, when you survive, when you meet
the deadline, when you clear your inbox, there's a drop
in those stress hormones, and often as a response, your
(04:59):
brain releases dopamine, it releases damnt, and that feeling of
relief is what we're actually after, is what we actually crave.
Your brain, being the incredibly efficient learning machine that it is,
actually starts to associate this crisis resolution dopamine hit cycle
with reward rather than with the stress and the anxiety
(05:22):
and the panic that came before. So the chaos itself
is uncomfortable, but the payoff of getting through it is
so rewarding that that's actually the thing we start to chase.
If it feels counterintuitive, it really is. It's not just
that we want stress. We get used to the reward.
The same way that people love scary movies, love endurance sports,
(05:46):
all those kinds of things. They've reason they love them
is because of the secondary emotion and the secondary reaction
that comes with living through them. This can be explained
by principles of operant conditioning, where a behavior so engaging
with or creating chaos is reinforced by a positive outcome,
the dopamine rush of resolution, so that we continue to
(06:09):
engage in it to get the reward. Of course, in
this situation, some of the wires have kind of been
cross but regardless, this underlying dopinogenic principle is why this
practice and these patterns of behavior do feel so addictive.
Beyond the pure neurochemistry, there is also, of course, a
psychological draw to novelty, and intensity. Our brains are wired,
(06:35):
hardwired to pay attention to new, surprising, intense stimuli. In fact,
one of my favorite studies ever conducted actually found that
having more novel and new experiences actually creates the illusion
of more time in our days and therefore our lives.
So our brain is really looking for that newness. Calm, consistent,
(06:55):
predictable routines. Whilst they're healthy, they don't necessarily provide the
same kind of immediate sensory and emotional stimulation or sense
of expansiveness compared to this constant flux and unpredictability. And
this is the deeper problem, is that we start to
equate chaos to the sense of being alive and truly
(07:16):
experiencing things. It's the opposite of boredom, and for many
of us, especially in our twenties, where we are constantly
seeking out new experiences, we are pushing boundaries. We don't
want to miss out on anything critical and fun and exciting.
Avoiding boredom avoiding plainness can be a powerful motivator. Research
(07:36):
on sensation seeking, which is this trait where we really
seek out newness and novelty, shows that individuals with higher
needs for varied novel and complex sensations might actually unconsciously
gravitate towards me more chaotic and stimulating environments. So in
these studies they were the ones who ran towards the fire. Essentially,
they were the ones who got involved in the drama.
(07:58):
And on this point of novelty intensity is also worth
touching on ADHD. For individuals with ADHD, there is a
known difference in how your brain processes and regulates dopamine
and also its counterpart nor a penefherent which you need
dopamine in order to release and for your brain to understand.
(08:19):
The brains of people with ADHD have an imbalance of dopamine,
specifically notably normally lower levels of dopamine in certain brain regions,
but also there is research that's beginning to support that
they also have fewer dopamine receptors and more of this
protein that actually cleans up dopamine on the sign aps,
(08:39):
meaning that dopamine messages will remain available in your brain
for less time, so the happiness fades quicker. All of
this basically means that they can really struggle with maintaining
motivation because dopamine is not just the happy chemical. It
is responsible for motivation. It's responsible for feeling feeling aligned
(09:00):
with something, wanting to do something. It also means that
they're threshed for the positive feelings is a lot higher,
so they have to experience more to get to a
point of enjoyment or exhilaration compared to someone who doesn't
have this irregulation. So this can lead to the drive
for novelty and high stimulation as the brain seeks to
achieve optimal arousal and a consistent flow of dopamine because
(09:24):
of how the system may not be working. So if
you have ADHD, for those of you with ADHD, constant demands,
shifting priorities, the rush of last minute deadlines that actually
can feel pretty safe for you, that actually can feel
quite normal. It can make you feel focused, It can
(09:44):
make you feel engaged, even productive in a way that calmer,
more predictable environments don't. And it's not that ADHD causes
an addiction to chaos. It's that the underlying neurological differences
can make chaotic environments feel more engaging or even feel
more comfortable, feel more right for some individuals, making it
(10:09):
harder for them to step away from this intensity. So
It's very important to understand this distinction between our addiction
to chaos as a learned habit versus as a symptom
of a brain that is wired just a little bit differently. However,
for those addicted to chaos as a learned habit, many
perceive there to be positive side effects of chaos, and
(10:33):
that acts as the primary hook for this pattern. People
who thrive in these environments, they often are incredibly effective
in a crisis. They think quickly on their feet, they
can problem solve under immense pressure. They get things done
when others might freeze. So it does feel like an asset.
You do feel quite competent. You can go where no
(10:56):
one else can go. You can do things that other
people might not be able to do. And so, in
a period where we're forming our identity and our self concept,
the fact that we are good at doing this, at
putting out fires can feel quite validating and powerful. There's
a certain thrill in being praised for this last minute performance,
or for constantly proving people that you can overcome a challenge.
(11:20):
Let's also not forget a crucial element to this, which
is perceived control. Humans want to be in control. We
want to feel like we matter. We want to feel
like we can create change, we can do things, we
can manage our environment, that we have a say. Whilst
chaos might seem like the opposite of control, sometimes by
creating it artificially or deliberately, we reclaim a sense of
(11:43):
agency because we create just enough chaos that we can
feel in charge. This can be particularly appealing if you
feel like you lack control in other areas of your life.
So if your career progression is slow, or major life
decisions feel out of your hands, then the manageable case
of a relationship, or of going out all the time,
(12:03):
or of crashing out on the weekends, or of doing
like insane stuff can almost feel productive. It can feel exhilarating.
It can feel like you have something to do. The
problems emerge when controlled chaos becomes uncontrolled, unmanageable, and maladaptive.
Hopefully I've made this clear that this isn't about some
(12:24):
grand conscious plan to live in constant turmoil and we
like throwing things up on the air and seeing where
they land. It's actually our brain's quest for a reward.
It's our brain's quest for stimulation, it's our brain's quest
for competence, self efficacy, to feel like we can manage
the problems throned us. Okay, we're going to take a
(12:46):
short break, but when we return, let's talk about some
of the ways this manifests in our lives, why you
may end up regretting decisions made in the heat of
the moment, and most importantly, how to actually crave peace, stillness,
stability over the comfort of urgency to stay with us.
(13:12):
Let's get real about how this plays out in the
daily fabric of our lives, especially for us in our twenties.
Once you start looking for it, you'll see that chaos
isn't just about external events. It's a pattern of thinking
and a pattern of behavior that slowly weaves its way
into everything. Specifically, the thing that's closest in orbit to us,
(13:36):
the thing that often matters more than anything our relationships,
and it manifests in relationship drama. We've all seen it.
We've all experienced it. Maybe we've even unconsciously participated in it.
The breaking up, getting back together, the explosive fights, ignoring
someone when you know it's not healthy to know too,
and throwing like the back and forth. For some a
(14:00):
relationship feels boring or stale without a certain level of intensity.
This can be fueled by that neurochemical rollercoaster, of course
that we just discussed, But for other people that can
also be that calm relationships feel uncomfortable and feel boring.
(14:21):
If you are used to unhealthy love, sometimes healthy love
can be equally, if not more challenging, because you have
to adapt to a new way of communicating, a new
way of problem solving, and your love isn't constantly being
proven through the resolution of conflict, so you have to
create that conflict to feel the same excitement or anxiety
(14:44):
that you're used to. Individuals with an insecure attachment style,
of course, are more drawn to this see this happening
more often, and might unconsciously unconsciously gravitate towards drama because
it mirrors familiar patterns of attention and connection from earlier life,
from your childhood, even if those patterns you know they
(15:07):
are unhealthy. There's another phenomena attached to this, something that
I actually talked about in my book quite a lot.
It's called repetition compulsion. Repetition compulsion is a psychological pattern
whereby we unconsciously recreate familiar emotional experiences from our past,
(15:30):
often ones that are chaotic or painful, in an attempt
to gain control or resolution, in an attempt to gain mastery,
to break the internal cycle. In relationships, of course, this
looks like gravitating towards partners who bring up drama, who
bring up instability, not because we want to suffer, but
because it mirrors a very comfortable emotional landscape. And we
(15:54):
say to ourselves, if I can make it out this time,
if I can fix this, if I can bring this
up under my control, if we can make it work well,
then that means that in all these other situations, it
wasn't my fault. In all these other situations, it wasn't me.
It can be this unconscious effort to get it right
this time, to finally receive the love, validation, stability that
(16:16):
we were denied before. The irony, of course, being that
instead of healing, we end up stuck in cycles that
actually repeat and deepen the original wound. So we pick fights,
we go hot and cold, We even think about doing
things like flirting with someone else or cheating on our partner.
It's a way to feel seen. It's a way to
(16:38):
get attention, because attention feels like love. It's a way
to what we think is build intimacy through conflict, because
we think that intimacy is born from volatility. This really
connects to this very interesting concept called the drama triangle.
It's a concept from something called transactional analysis, which is
(17:00):
psychological model essentially developed to describe destructive relationship patterns. And
how it goes is that the triangle outlines three roles,
three roles that people unconsciously adopt in conflict. The victim
who feels powerless and seeks rescue, the rescuer who tries
to fix others and fix their problems, and the persecutor,
(17:21):
who criticizes or controls to feel superior. These roles are
fluid and people often shift between them within the same interaction.
A chaos addict, though, might constantly find themselves in one
of these roles, perpetuating drama. The average person hopefully isn't
in the triangle at all. But if you're addicted to chaos,
(17:42):
you may find yourself creating situations where you need to
be rescued. You may find yourself in situations where you
are allowed to rescue someone else, where you get to
be the problem solver. You may find yourself stirring the pot.
It is a way of being constantly engaged, constantly relevant,
even if the engagement comes from negative interactions. There is,
(18:04):
of course a cost to this conflict. Resolution might create
a big dopamine hit, It might make you feel like
you've won and you've pushed through some issue, but perpetual
drama will erode trust in intimacy one hundred percent of
the time, partners and friends, they love you, they care
about you. They also hopefully care about themselves and may
get tired of that emotional rollercoaster. They might also feel
(18:27):
like they're being used as I guess props in your
personal drama. They're exhausted, they're in a constant state of
crisis themselves. Research on relationship dynamics consistently shows that stable,
secure relationships, they thrive on predictability, They thrive on an
emotional safety, not constant upheaval, and genuine connection really does
(18:49):
require that we are calm and regulated and that we
can co regulate together. So if there's a constant urged
to find chaos and to find drama, that's not going
to necessarily compute or fit. That's the consequence of relationships.
An addiction to chaos will also obviously impact things like
(19:10):
our career. This is massive for our twenties. We are
often juggling multiple roles, immense pressure, a glorified need to
seem busy. How many of us secretly thrive in that
environment where there is a last minute deadline. You procrastinate,
you let the pressure build, maybe because of perfectionism, then
you pull out an all nighter and you do something brilliant.
(19:32):
This is called an urgency addiction. If you find that
you can only really get stuff done at the last
minute or under a crunch, maybe because you have become
reliant on this adrenaline rush. You've become reliant on stress
hormones to motivate you. It does actually lead to a
false sense of productivity because you feel busy and you
(19:54):
feel rushed, and you feel exhilarated, even though you're not
actually being necessarily efficient or productive. You're not strategically moving forward,
but you are fueled by the thrill. This is a
classic example of procrastination cycles being reinforced by the relief
of completion, even if the overall process is inefficient and stressful.
(20:15):
Research by psychologists who are studying chronic procrastination consistently shows
that the short term relief can overshadow the long term costs.
And let's be real. In a world that is praising
hustle culture and praising the grind, it is easy to
mistake exhaustion for effort and constant, very high level urgency
(20:36):
and activity for actual progression. But what are you actually
doing to your body? Busyness is such a status symbol.
You're always overscheduling, you never have downtime, You're jumping from
one project to the next, and so you may conflate
being overwhelmed with being important, with being valuable, with being interesting.
It's like a badge of honor. And I've done it.
(20:58):
I have done it so many times. I was so
guilty of this in university. People would want to hang
out and I'd be like, oh, no, I'm so busy.
I'm so busy, Like I've never been busier. I've constantly
got all these things on my plate. And it was
this weird thing where eventually I had to ask myself,
what do I have to prove? What do I have
to prove to these people by allowing them to assume
(21:22):
that I am you know, I don't know by allowing
them to assume that I've constantly got things on. By
letting them assume or believe that I am the busiest
person in any room, what am I trying to prove.
I'm trying to prove that I'm important. I'm trying to
prove that I can work hard. That's really what this is.
The most obvious cost of this all is, of course, burnout.
(21:43):
Constantly operating in a high stress, high adrenaline mode is unsustainable.
Your body is designed for short bursts of stress, not
a stress marathon. Chronic stress of this kind will elevate
cortisol levels that will create sleep problems a week immune system.
You will get sick more easily, digestive issues, increased anxiety,
(22:04):
even an increased risk of depression. You feel perpetually exhausted,
You feel irritable, you feel disconnected, even if you think
you're okay, even if you think you haven't really had enough.
You don't deserve to be burnt out. Your body doesn't
care if you feel like you deserve to be burnt out.
If you're burnt out, you're burnt out, and you're going
(22:25):
to feel terrible, and there's no ignoring that. Your body
will adapt for as long as possible, and then it
will collapse. And as soon as you feel a little
bit better, you might feel the instinct to push again,
and then you'll collapse. And can you see what kind
of toll this takes on you. You're not a machine where
we can go out and buy another part. I can't
go out and buy a new battery for my body.
(22:48):
I can't go out and buy a new system of
organs that are going to sustain me if I keep
putting them under such immense pressure that they collapse. You
have to ask yourself what is your love for chaos
costing you in the long run. If you're in your
twenties right now, it can feel like you could keep
going forever. You can't. One day you will feel the toll,
(23:12):
and you'll look back and be like, why was I
so busy? What was that all for? We also have
to consider my lovely listeners, whether it might this whole
thing might actually be a sophisticated form of avoidance and
looking away from something deeper. Let's have that conversation for
a second. The avoidance of stillness and introspection is massive
(23:33):
for people in their twenties. We are often grappling with
very big questions. Who am I? What do I want?
Am I good enough? What is the meaning of all this?
What is my future going to be? Like? These questions
really to require quiet reflection and sometimes sitting with really
uncomfortable existential feelings, because that's how we figure out what
(23:55):
we believe in, and that's how we integrate hard thoughts,
hard things, hard truths into our life. If you're asking
big questions like what is the meaning of all this,
and you really don't have even a single answer, and
it's getting louder and louder and louder, and you don't
know where to start, chaos provides a brilliant noisy distraction.
(24:19):
Research on avoidance highlights how people often engage in these
kinds of excessive, harmful behaviors to escape unwanted internal experiences,
even if those behaviors are, of course ultimately unhelpful. The
negative consequence of living in chaos feels less significant than
(24:39):
the negative concept of the negative consequence of internal chaos
that is probably taking over, because once we stop spinning
and rushing, you might look around and be like, oh
my god, look at this big pile of crap that
I have to deal with this anxiety, this self doubt,
this loneliness, this unresolved trauma. This is so uncomfort. What
(25:01):
if I just run back into the fire. What if
I just find another problem that takes priority, then I
won't have to think about it. Recognizing those deeper roots
is the first step towards breaking free. Congratulations if you
have done it, you're not a bad person for thriving
in chaos. You're not a bad person for the things
that you have done previously to avoid hard thoughts. But
(25:24):
it is time that we shift away from this deeply
ingrained pattern. Because you are meant to be present for life,
you are meant to want to strive towards things. You
will realize that life does feel easier at a lower frequency.
With that in mind, we are going to take a
short break. But when we return, I have five tips,
just five tips for you to master chaos in your
(25:45):
life and turn your pursuit of irregularity and chaos into
the pursuit of a regulated nervous system, internal harmony, in
a piece, whatever you want to call it, stay with us.
Our goal here is not to become a zen master
(26:05):
suddenly overnight change never works that way. Our brains don't
work that way. It takes time to build a habit,
even longer to undo an impulse like our attraction to
chaos that has probably been around for some time. It
is a worthwhile investment. What we're going to talk about
is cultivating awareness, making some really conscious small choices, and
(26:28):
just gently persistently rewiring those ingrain patterns. Here are a
few actionable thoughts things I really want you to consider
and maybe even try this week, drawing on all the
psychology that we've already talked about today. Firstly, I need
you to figure out your personal chaos triggers and what
(26:51):
you're actually getting out of it. You might ask yourself
the following questions. When do I feel most alive during
calm moments or in a crisis? Where did that come from?
What situations or people consistently create drama or stress in
(27:12):
my life? Does that stress actually leave me feeling good?
Do I ever feel uncomfortable when things are going smoothly?
What do I do in those moments or don't do
in those moments that I should be doing? What role
do I usually play in conflict? Am I the fixer,
the victim, the instigator? Where do I sit in the triangle.
(27:36):
What reward do I get from chaos? Is it attention, adrenaline, control, distraction?
What emotion do I avoid by staying busy, overwhelmed or
in a crisis mode? If peace felt safe and felt rewarding,
(27:57):
What would my life actually look like? What would I
be able to avoid? What do I need to change
to get there? All of this is about mapping your
specific chaos cycle and style, and once you do that,
you will have a much clearer idea of what you're
actually battling against. Next, and this is probably the toughest one,
especially if you are wide for intensity, is that you
(28:19):
have to try stillness as an alternative. I'm going to
challenge you to ignore constant noise, constant stimulation. Don't just
immediately put on music when you feel overwhelmed. Don't just
watch TV as you make dinner. Don't just go on
your phone immediately after you have a bad thought. Don't
try and find things that are chaotic to be interested in.
(28:43):
Just give yourself tiny moments where you are allowed to
just hold heavy emotions in your hands, almost when you
are allowed to just experience them for a tiny pocket
and then move on. Sit, breathe, your brain is going
to scream at you for STI simulation. You will feel restless,
You maybe will feel anxious. This is just your nervous
(29:05):
system which is used to being on hire alert, reacting
to an unfamiliar calm. But persist, even if it's just
for five minutes, because that is training your brain. It
is endurance training for your mind. Five minutes might feel impossible.
Do one minute today, two minutes tomorrow, ten minutes, twenty minutes.
You'll start to build a tolerance for stillness. You might, even,
(29:29):
dare I say it, start to find that those profound
insights that you have been avoiding actually are helpful. You
might actually like feeling peaceful. It's basically like trying to
teach your inner alance system that not every quiet moment
is a sign of impending doom, and that actually a calm, peaceful, still,
easy going, low frequency life is incredibly fulfilling and fun.
(29:55):
You know, going to the library and having a cup
of tea and going to bed at nine it's not
all that bad. It's actually very very fun. There's still
room for you to do like the high energy, high
frequency things. But if you're finding that you're using them
as a distraction. How can you bring in the alternatives
(30:15):
every now and again? How can you provide evidence to
yourself that the alternative isn't really as bad as you're
thinking that it is. If you feel addicted to chaos
as well, chances are that you might not have the
strongest boundaries, either with others or with yourself. Chaos thrives
where boundaries are permeable. So another element to this is
about drawing clear lines in the sand and honoring your
(30:39):
know When someone asks you to do something, before just
making space or before just permitting them to do it
or getting you involved, ask yourself, do I actually want this?
Is this actually going to make my day, my week,
my life better? When you go to gossip, when you
go to engage in drama, when you go to start
(31:01):
a fight, when you go to fill up your calendar,
Remember you are what you consume, including the conversations, the
social media content, the energy of others. You are what
you choose to engage in and what is around you
is that what you want to be? Is that a
healthy energy source? If you constantly feel like your energy
(31:25):
is off, if you constantly feel irritated, agitated, what are
you saying yes to in life that is creating this
that is having a domino effect on your everyday mood
and sense of self. What are you engaging in? What
chaos are you allowing because you want to stay friends
with people you shouldn't because you can't set boundaries with yourself,
because you can't turn away from what is taking from you.
(31:50):
Think of boundaries as your personal firewall against the constant
influx of external chaos. They're not walls to put people away.
They're basically like property lines that protect your precious energy,
your time, your mental peace. It's a proactive step. Really
getting to know what you do, what you do and
(32:12):
don't enjoy, and why you feel called to do the
things you don't enjoy is incredibly important because you're sending
a message to yourself that says, my piece is my priority,
even if sometimes peaceful feels boring. As we've spoken about,
a huge part of why chaos is so addictive is
the amazing feeling we get after the chaotic or stressful
period is over. So we also need to create new
(32:34):
pathways for dopamine hits from proactive preventative wins. Instead of
waiting for a fire to put out, to try and
anticipate and address potential problems and feel relief. Then, so
we're going to be breaking down our tasks into small
and manageable steps. We're going to be celebrating each small completion.
We are going to be planning our weeks. We are
(32:57):
going to be feeling a sense of pride when we
meal prep when we do the things that make our
life easier. When you call yourself out, when you schedule
your downtime first, then fill in the tasks, this shifts
you from being a reactive, chaos driven individual to a proactive,
intentional one. It also allows us to tap into delayed gratification,
(33:18):
which is probably the most useful concept in this episode.
It's also probably something that you are missing. When we're
chasing urgency. We often live in a short term gratification loop.
There is an issue resolution is delayed till the last moment,
meaning we get instant gratification. But turning your sights to
(33:38):
something that will take you longer, like an assignment or
a project that you start early and work on slowly,
or like rewiring your communication approach to foster a healthy relationship,
gives you a stronger, more powerful sense of accomplishment After
the fact than if you are just tapping into these
short wins, it's so so so much more rewarding. It's
(34:00):
like choosing the healthy option over the junk food instant gratification.
Junk food not always that bad, but not going to
make you feel great if you consume it all the time.
Long term gratification is something that nourishes you. It's more
rewarding because it taps into intrinsic satisfaction rather than just
a dopamine hit. When you engage in something over time,
(34:20):
whether it is building a healthy relationship or healing a
pattern or showing up consistently for a project, the payoff
isn't just the outcome, it's the identity shift that happened
along the way, because you start to see yourself as
someone who is capable, intentional, grounded. That builds self trust.
You are not just good in a crisis, you are
good all the time. Finally, something that really occurred to
(34:45):
me just then and when talking about this, and even
when I was writing about it, is that chaos is everywhere.
Life will never be short of chaotic, stressful, pressurized moments.
Your life can change at any moment. You don't need
to be looking at for or creating it yourself. It
will find you, I promise, it will find you in
changing circumstances and unexpected challenges. In just the unpredictable nature
(35:09):
of being alive, the external world will always present you
with a dose of inevitable turmoil. You don't need to
worry about life not being exciting, trust me. You don't
need to create the exciting moments. And if that's really
what's going on, If you're exploding your life because you're bored,
(35:31):
crashing out isn't going to solve a deeper internal dissatisfaction.
You need to be having more planned, novel experiences, planning
things that are intentionally fun, getting out of your suburb
or your town, challenging yourself instead of waiting to blow
up your life every three months when you feel unsettled.
What we're really changing here is the reliance on dopamine,
(35:52):
from the resolution of an avoidable crisis to a desire
for a deeper, soulful state of enjoyment, long term reward,
a calm emotional environment. That's going to mean that when
exciting things happen, we can appreciate them rather than feeling
like they are going to destroy our sense of self
and just set us in a tizzy. It's hard work,
(36:15):
it's worth it. So as we wrap up today, I
want to leave you with this thought. The chaos in
your life, the rush, the constant doing. It might feel
like living, but sometimes true living is found in stillness.
It is found in intentional moments, in the quiet progress,
in just a sense of peace. The more mature you get,
(36:35):
the more you will realize how desirable that is. Your
twenties are a time of immense building and immense excitement.
There's always going to be some fire to put out.
Don't create more fires for yourself. The pursuit of peace,
if you start it now, will create such a better
long term mental state and environment for you, so that
(36:58):
you're not thirty five already doing the same things. I
really hope that you did enjoy this episode. I hope
you know that I'm coming from a place of acceptance.
I was once this person I probably still am, and
also just understanding that if you love chaos, if you
love drama, excitement, sometimes that's just how you're wired. That
(37:18):
doesn't always mean that it's an excuse, and it doesn't
always mean that you can't do anything about it. Hopefully
these tips have inspired you to just take small little steps.
I'm not saying you need to submit yourself to a regular,
routined life from now until you die. I'm just saying
leave space for stillness. Hopefully these tips and just this
conversation is encouraged you to see what the alternative might be.
(37:42):
Thank you so much for listening. If you have made
it this far, thank you for being such a solid listener,
leave a little past or emoji down below. If you
have made it this far, just for whatever reason, leave
one down below so I know that you have made
it to the end of the episode, and thank you
for sticking around. Make sure you are following me on
Instagram at that Psychology podcast, and that you are also
following us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts. Wherever you are listening,
(38:05):
leave a five star review. Share this episode with a friend,
maybe even share it on Instagram if you wanted to
reach other people, you think that other people in their
twenties or beyond would get something out of it. Make
sure as well that you listen to my new podcast Mantra.
It will be linked in the episode description. And until
next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself,
Embrace peace, and stillness. Please, we will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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