June 23, 2025 • 56 mins
We've all seen the headlines about celebrity couples with significant age differences. We’ve heard the stereotypes, from "trophy partners" and “cougar’s” to "she must have daddy issues". But what is the genuine psychological pull that draws individuals to partners that are much older or younger? In today’s episode, we explore the psychology behind the often speculated age gap relationships.
Things we discuss:
- Why evolutionary perspectives paint an incomplete picture
- The value of intergenerational platonic relationships
- Challenging stereotypes and stigma
- How to navigate different life stages
- The role of communication and shared values in building healthy age gap relationships
If you're in an age gap relationship, interested in understanding them better, or simply intrigued by the nuances of human connection, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra: https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=b6ad5d555c1940e0
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. I just
want to jump in early to this episode and thank
you all for the love that you have shown my
relatively new podcast, Mantra. I know I've been talking about
(00:50):
it a lot recently, but if you didn't know, I
actually have another podcast. It's called Mantra, and every Monday,
I give you an affirmation, a powerful phrase or statement
to carry you through the week, and we explore the philosophy,
the spirituality, the psychology behind what makes that phrase work.
(01:10):
For example, recent mantras that I've covered include I know
that love won't pass me, I release the need to
do it all, I cultivate peace within. It's one mantra
every Monday to help anchor you in the present, to
help I guess just ground you and give you some
kind of clarity in your life. So if you haven't
(01:32):
checked that out, and if you love the psychology of
your twenties, I'll leave a link in the description because
I think you would really really enjoy it. With that
in mind, let's get into this episode, a bit of
a controversial episode, an episode where I am sure people
will not agree with me on some of my takes,
(01:53):
but I'm very much looking forward to the discussion. And
you guys know, I'm very much looking forward to being
proven wrong or just hearing what other people's perspectives are.
We're talking about age gap relationships. I recently saw this
BuzzFeed article, and I know BuzzFeed is such a relic
of the past, but I saw this article speaking about
(02:14):
famous Hollywood couples known for having a significant age gap,
Beyonce and Jay Z, Leonardo DiCaprio, and literally everyone he's
ever dated. Some of these people were even born decades apart,
you know, Chris Jenner, Corey Gamble, George Clooney, a Mile Clooney.
And that article didn't really surprise me. The comments, though,
(02:34):
were I don't want to say shocking, but really psychologically
sociologically interesting. How split down the middle. People were about
these kinds of relationships, and it got me thinking, with
something so sensationalized as age gap relationships that are spoken
about and dissected so often in the media, how do
(02:55):
they actually work? How can people, even decades apart, be
a t'reacted to each other and form long lasting, successful
relationships when you would assume that their mindsets and their
mental age would be so very different. Is there a
special secret number that makes age gap relationships appropriate and not?
(03:17):
Where is the line between when we understand them and
when they start to feel a little bit maybe uncomfortable.
I really wanted to know what are the dynamics that
make these relationships work. Why do we have an implicit
societal judgment about these relationships? Is that judgment fair? And
that's really what we're going to explore today, not just
(03:39):
the public opinion about age gap relationships, but the psychology
about it. And there is a lot to this topic.
It's not just as simple as an age difference. We
really need to talk about individual needs, dating preferences, maturity expectations,
sidal pressures, developmental psychology. I think the reason that people
(04:01):
have varying and different opinions on these kinds of relationships
is that it's often against the story that we have
been told about our lives and romantic love, the story
that says you meet someone around your age, maybe in college,
maybe through friends or at your first real job. You date,
you get serious, you get engaged, you get married, probably
(04:23):
around the same time that all your friends are doing it.
You might buy your first home, you know, you might
have children, you grow old together. You're hitting all these
predictable major milestones at the same time. When an age
gap is introduced, basically, it gets kind of confusing. When
do you choose to have kids? What if that person
(04:44):
already has kids? Can you actually be with someone who
is much older than you or is it going to,
you know, intrinsically automatically set up a power imbalance. There's
all these whispers of trophy partners or sugar daddies or
hidden agendas on many pulation. Is that assessment fair? So
(05:05):
we're going to explore the why behind the attraction. We're
going to explore the stereotypes. We're going to talk about
not just romantic age gap relationships but platonic ones as well,
and we're also going to unpack can these relationships work,
what are the unique dynamics and challenges that they are
going to face, and how can we maybe confront our
own biases and rethink what an age gap relationship really means,
(05:29):
not just for the two people in it, but for
society in general. So there is a lot to discuss.
I know, I always say this, there is a lot
of psychology that you may not have expected. So without
further ado, let's get into the psychology of age gap relationships.
(05:50):
So before we go any further, I need to make
a really serious but important distinction, one that is absolutely
critical to this entire conversation. When we talk about age
gap relationships on this podcast, we are exclusively talking about
relationships between consenting adults. This is a non negotiable point.
The very idea of an age gap is deeply problematic
(06:15):
and frankly dangerous when it is applied to relationships involving
miners or younger people. In those situations, we're not talking
about a discussion, We're not talking about a debate. There
is no rout or wrong answer. It's wrong. It's exploitation,
its abuse, it's illegal. The power and balance, the developmental
(06:35):
differences and the capacity for true consent are fundamentally absent
when one person is a child, even if they're mature
for their age, even if they've graduated high school, whatever
it is. Also, we are not at all about supporting
relationships where grooming has taken place and someone has waited
(06:55):
till someone is freshly eighteen or nineteen to start a
serious relationship but I was, you know, secretly attracted to
them for much longer. Still not okay. Just because it
may be legal doesn't mean that it's right. I think
when we are young, an acceptable age gap is going
to be smaller than between someone who is saying in
their late twenties or thirties or forties, because of the
(07:18):
amount of growth that you're going through. It is so rapid.
You know, the difference between nineteen and twenty five and
thirty five, like, those are much bigger jumps in terms
of understanding and experiences and mental maturity compared to the
jump between twenty seven, thirty seven, forty seven or fifty seven.
(07:38):
And that is something that we really need to acknowledge
if anyone is trying to justify a relationship that started
when someone was sixteen or seventeen or eighteen or even nineteen,
and the other person was much older or in a
position of developmental power. Doesn't have a place here. Sorry,
it's just creepy. We're not going to be accepting rebuttals
on that fact. But with that vital point really established,
(08:02):
let's talk about consenting age gap relationships, starting at the
very beginning, why they occur in the first place, and
breaking down the attraction itself. So generally, when psychologists talk
about age gap relationships, they are referring to a romantic
partnership where there's an age difference of seven years or
more between partners. Now, of course, I think five or
(08:26):
six years can even feel particularly significant depending on your
life stage, especially when you're in your early twenties. You know,
five years can mean the difference between still being at
university and having a mortgage. But seven to ten years
is often the threshold used in the research. So that's
going to be our starting point today. Let's begin with
(08:47):
the question why is it that people are drawn to
someone who is significantly older or significantly younger. We really
cannot talk about this without mentioning evolutionary psychology, of course,
so David Buss, he's one of the leading voices in
this field. He has spent decades studying mate preferences across cultures,
(09:09):
including those with an age gap, and interestingly, what he
has found in studies spanning more than thirty countries is
actually pretty consistent. Heterosexual men, on average tend to prefer
younger women, typically women in their mid twenties, regardless of
their own age, whereas women, on the other hand, tend
to prefer slightly older men, often by about three to
(09:32):
five years, sometimes more. I just want to say a
lot of this research, if not all, of it, is
very heteronormative. I really did search for articles on lesbian
or queer couples or gay men, and there is basically nothing.
So if you're in the market for a cool PhD
or research project, this is a good place to start.
But for now, the research we have mainly focuses on
(09:54):
straight men and women, and this pattern appears to be
pretty consistent. According to an evolutionary model, men would be
drawn to signals of fertility and youth, which would often
indicate reproductive viability. The idea is that men just want
to have offspring. Who are they going to have the
(10:15):
best chances with someone who was younger. That's the theory.
Women conversely, are theorized to really look for signals of
stability resources and the ability to protect and provide traits
that often accumulate with age and experience. So this is
all part of something we call sexual selection theory, and
(10:36):
it explains why these preferences might show up in large
population studies based on parts of our biology as humans
and parts of our animal nature. Now, of course, there
are nuances to this. Scientists are going deeper, and what
they found is it's not just that women like older,
(10:58):
men like younger. When you dig deeper, it's that women
who are before forty so younger women tend to prefer
a larger age gap, But as women get older, they
actually prefer someone their own age or someone even younger.
So maybe the data that we're collecting is only looking
(11:19):
at a certain group of women, or the preferences of
older women are kind of getting suppressed by certain data sets. Men,
on the other hand, do typically like the same age
from the age of twenty to the age of sixty.
But again, just because the data has a median, just
because the data has a trend, doesn't necessarily mean that
(11:44):
it represents every single person. You cannot take one study,
one data set and say, look, there we go. Men
like younger, women like older That is the truth of
the universe. What's even more fascinating is a recent study
from actually started this year January twenty twenty five that
looked at over six thousand blind dates and it found
(12:06):
that whilst women report wanting older partners in surveys, actually
in blind date scenarios they are just as attracted to
younger partners as men were. And this suggests that there
might be a difference between what we think we prefer
and what actually sparks attraction and real life interactions. So
(12:27):
if you're only basing your data on self reporting, so
if you're only basing it on asking someone, do you
like older men? Do you like younger men? Do you
like older women? Do you like younger women? People are
going to say something different to what they might reflect
in a real life scenario. And here's where the critics
(12:47):
of this evolutionary theory would jump in and make them
very valid points. We are not just animals. This perspective
is overly deterministic. It's two for focused on biology, not
enough on culture, not enough on the complexities of human
beings and individual choice and rational preferences it might actually
(13:12):
come down to the qualities of the individual rather than
this primal urge, because I think a lot of us
can't relate to that. You know, I personally cannot relate
to this very simplistic biological idea that I should like
older men because that's what would be best for having offspring.
Like I think it really does reduce people to just
(13:34):
wanting to I don't know, drive to have children, and
if you don't want children, like, how do you fit
into this model? And if you know you can't have children,
how do you fit into this model? Like that, you
can see that it's very it's one dimensional. It doesn't
fit everyone. Let's talk about this quality based theory behind
(13:55):
age gap relationships. So basically, the second theory goes to
say that the reason that age gap relationships are more
prevalent amongst certain people, or the reason people choose them,
is actually because it's not just what age reflects, it's
what experience reflects. If you're the younger partner, the draw
to an older individual might come from a personal desire
(14:19):
for factors like maturity, stability, and guidance. That's what you
want in a partner, and that's something you may have
been struggling to find in a twenty one year old
or a twenty seven year old. It's not that if
a twenty seven year old or a twenty one year
old came along and had all of those factors, you
would say, no, it's just that it's hard to find them.
So now imagine meeting someone, say ten or fifteen years older.
(14:43):
They've already navigated a significant chunk of that early adult chaos.
They might be firmly established in their career. They might
have their own home, a clear sense of who they are,
a clear sense of what they want, a lot of wisdom.
If that's something that you always have desired in a partner,
you can see why this would be incredibly appealing. They
(15:03):
also might introduce you to new things, new ideas, better restaurants,
a sense of quiet comfort that feels, you know, very
far away from dating in your twenties, where it's situationships
and one night stands. It's a personal preference. Age is
just a number, I guess, That's what I'm trying to say.
But the experiences in the mindset that come from age
is what appeals to you. Based on a dating preference
(15:25):
that could actually be met by someone your own age.
Let's flip the script. What might an older partner find
attractive in someone younger? You know what, I'm going to
admit my prejudices here and say that I used to
think that the only reason that an older man or
well mainly an older man or dating younger woman is
just because she was hot and because she may have
(15:47):
been easy to manipulate. That is really what I used
to believe. But having discussions with my friends, like I've
come to realize that it's more complex, and I'm glad
that they kind of called me out on what was
a very I think old school bias for someone who
is older. It's not just that a younger person might be,
you know, more youthful, and that they find that more attractive.
(16:07):
It often has to do with energy. This is what
people have explained to me. Energy, a fresh perspective, unbridled
enthusiasm for life. If you're an older partner, the attraction
to someone younger may stem from that real desire for vitality.
Maybe as you get into your thirties and your forties,
life can feel very routine, and someone who's in their
(16:30):
twenties brings a sense of adventure and excitement and spontaneity.
They might challenge you. There's also a sense of validation
feeling desired and attractive to someone who represents youth and beauty.
That can be a really powerful boost to self esteem,
as one ages. I just watched Materialists the other day,
gonna say it's a terrible movie. Really didn't like it,
(16:51):
but one thing did stand out, and it was when
Dakota Johnson is talking to that bride who is getting married,
and she says, you want to marry him because he
may you feel valuable. Really, that's why we want to
be with anyone. They make us feel valuable for whatever reason.
And if you're an older person, the same interaction is
at play here. They make you feel valuable, even in
(17:14):
a very ageous society. Who would tell you that the
older you get, the less worth you have. If we
really think about this through a lens of social exchange theory,
this might help us understand it from a more cost
benefit perspective. Social exchange theory basically says that any relationship
can be seen as an exchange where both parties seek
(17:36):
to maximize rewards and minimize costs. Obviously, this might be
unconscious when you're in love and you know, desperately devoted
and loyal and desiring of someone. But in any age
gap relationship, there is an exchange youth and beauty vitality
on one side for stability, wisdom, and resources, the same
(18:00):
way that any other couple has an exchange of their own.
An age gap relationship exchange might just be a little
bit more obvious in those certain areas, and it might
sound mathematical, but it's simply acknowledging that different life stages
offer different currencies, the same way that different perspectives often
different different currencies. And a relationship might feel balanced despite
(18:23):
an age gap if both partners perceive themselves as getting
something valuable and deeply needed from the other. It's really
about finding completeness that might be missing from the relationships
that you may be having with your peers. And again,
it does sometimes just come down to mental age, and
it comes down to your mindset whether you want someone
(18:46):
who was younger or older based on how you see yourself.
So I want to talk about something else, a little
bit of a little bit of a sidebar, if you will.
I want to talk about platonic friendships with an age gap,
because I think a discuss if this fits well into
the social exchange theory. Right, we cannot just see age
gap relationships only through a romantic lens. Having non romantic
(19:10):
bonds that are intergenerational is incredibly powerful. It's something that
I personally think that we need to have more of.
One of my most amazing, greatest friends, someone I really
treasure as a friend whose name is Emma. She's in
her fifties, and we met at a ceramics class and
she was amazing, and we just kept doing courses with
(19:30):
each other, and she comes to parties of mine, she
comes to book events, she brings me honey from her bumblebees,
and we talk about everything, and I trust her opinions
so much on what's happening in my life. And I
remember last year when I was going through a tough time,
she just gave me the most beautiful advice. And it
was advice that I don't think I could have gotten
from a friend around my age, because they hadn't lived
(19:53):
through it the way that she had lived through it.
And if we can see that there is this beautiful
exchange between peop like me and Emma, we can see
how that might translate in a romantic sense as well.
But from a platonic sense, these relationships are so valuable.
Maybe it's like an older colleague who's like become a mentor,
or your elderly neighbor that like retells stories of when
(20:15):
they were younger, or younger family member, or a cousin
or a sibling's friend who like keeps you in and
on all the goths and all like the trends and
whatever like. They bring about such a different perspective that
we are missing. And in a world where I think
we are increasingly burrowing into our bubbles and we are
(20:36):
increasingly only seeking out opinions that maybe match our own,
or experiences that match our own, having people who are
different to us, not just in terms of like race
or religion or ethnicity or beliefs, but age as well
is actually really really valuable, and they can bring you
so many new ideas and they can challenge your assumptions.
(20:58):
So actually I went looking for research to confirm this,
and it wasn't that hard to find. There was a
study done in twenty sixteen from the Stanford Center of
Longevity that found that intergenerational relationships are incredibly important for
life satisfaction, for learning and provide a really deep sense
of companionship. It's really good for us in our twenties,
(21:20):
but it's also good for the older generation. A twenty
twenty two study of over five thousand people who were
over sixty found that the ones who had close friends
under the age of fifty and under the age of
forty even actually felt younger, and they were more likely
to be physically active. They were more like to be
socially active as well. And you know what, this is
(21:42):
a less fun statistic, but I think it's worth mentioning.
Nearly one third of seniors said that it had been
at least five years since they'd made a new friend,
five years since they had a new person in their
life who was interested in them and who cared about
them and who could talk to them. And I think
our generation is also equally struggling with loneliness. And it's like,
(22:04):
here is this solution that is right in front of us.
If we can get over the stereotypes of what we
think is expected from us socially, and if we can
get over this idea that it's weird to have older
friends or it's weird to be friends with people who
are younger than you absolutely not. What these platonic bonds
I think really highlight is that we all have this
core human desire for companionship that transcends age. When you
(22:29):
find someone, regardless of their birth year, with whom you
share values, intellectual curiosity, genuine mutual respect, a very powerful
relationship can bloom platonic or non platonic. This is your reminder.
Talk to older people. Make friends with the people who
are ten twenty forty years older than you. They will
(22:50):
teach you so much valuable stuff. And it's not just
about what they can teach you. They're also like, you
could just have a friend, like a regular older friend
who you hang out with and who you get drinks
with and who you get coffee with. And I think
that's amazing. We all need more friends. Now that I've
taken that, I think very necessary detour, but very weird
d to her, we are going to circle back to
(23:12):
romantic relationships, particularly the unique challenges they might face and
when an age gap relationship should be called into question.
So stay with us. We'll be right back after this shortbreak. So,
once that initial spark is there, what are the unique
(23:33):
dynamics in challenges that an age gap couple may face,
especially as they navigate, you know, the very different waters
of their respective life stages, because I think whilst love
may be blind, life stages certainly are not, and pretending
that they don't exist is frankly not very helpful and
(23:54):
will end up getting in the way. Firstly, the really
critical issue that I think a lot of people in
age gap relationships will encounter is social perception and stigma.
Research and social psychology consistently shows that age gap relationships,
particularly those where the woman is significantly older than the man,
or where the gap is very large, face a lot
(24:17):
of external judgment and scrutiny. Whether that is fair or
not is something we're going to debate in a second.
But you know, friends might be wary, family might disapprove,
even strangers make assumptions, give you a bit of the
side eye. This external pressure can be incredibly draining on
the relationship. It requires the couple to be very secure
(24:40):
in their bond and to really develop strategies for dealing
with this judgment, and it can definitely kind of foster
a sense of us against the world that can either
strengthen the bond or isolate the couple or isolate an
individual within the couple from leaving sometimes, and this stigma
(25:00):
is often massively amplified and distorted by media representation. Think
about how age gap relationships are usually portrayed on screen,
in tabloids, in mainstream news. They tend to fall into
a few stereotypical categories, right the sugar daddy, the cougar,
the gold digger, the manipulator. Even someone assuming that a
(25:24):
younger woman has daddy issues. On the point of younger
women with daddy issues actually liking older men, I actually
want to tell you the research completely refutes this IDEA
twenty sixteen study found that seventy four percent of women
in age gap relationships with older men were securely attached,
which is actually above the general population average of around
(25:46):
fifty to sixty five percent. So again, we are obviously
getting some things wrong here, and those media portrayals they
do matter. It doesn't just you know, reflect public opinion.
It really shapes public opinion and means that someone in
a very healthy age gap relationship might feel that there
are implicit biases about who they are with. So another
(26:10):
of the most frequently sided challenge in any age gap
relationship is, of course, differing life stages. If you are
in your twenties, you are right smack in the middle
of what psychologists call emerging adulthood. This is a very unique,
very important developmental period from around eighteen to twenty nine
(26:31):
that has five unique features to it. Identity, exploration, instability,
self focus, feeling in between, and the sense of multiple possibilities.
Even if you think you are old for your age,
these five things are undoubtedly happening to you in some
form during this period of em of emerging adulthood. Now
(26:53):
imagine you're going through that and your partner is like
way past their twenties. They've often already navigated a significant
chunk of that early adult chaos, and they have a
clear sense of who they are and what they want.
This can create very natural, but often subtle divergences in
daily life and daily priorities and social needs. Starting with
(27:15):
social needs, you know, your idea of a good time
might differ, Your social circles might differ. You know, for you,
if you're in your early twenties mid twenties, like, your
ideal Friday night might be a noisy pub or going
out for drinks or doing something out and about, whilst
your partner maybe finding that it's a quiet dinner with
longtime friends or their children or their family, and so
(27:39):
merging these or maintaining separate social lives really does require
conscious effort to find like an authentic shared ground between
the younger one and the older one. If you are
someone younger dating someone older, you do have to consider
whether you are going to feel like you're missing out.
(28:00):
Do you want to be having the fun, young, free,
careless experiences that everyone else is having, particularly when it
comes to dating, partying, traveling. Is that something that your
current partner can provide you access to do they want
to do it with you? Or maybe it's just not
your thing at all and that's fine, But is there
(28:22):
anything you really want to do that maybe would be
better with a partner your own age or no. Again,
it's a personal preference, like there is no right answer,
there's no judgment, but it is something to consider. Are
there things that you are going to miss out on
because of this relationship dynamic that may actually foster long
(28:42):
term resentment. It's a thing that comes up in any relationship,
the idea that someone else is making you closed doors
for them or say no for them when you really
want to say yes. You just have to consider that
career trajectories are another thing that's probably going to vary.
You might be intensely focused on getting internships, climbing the
(29:04):
career ladder, building your professional identity, just not even knowing
what you want, and your partner could be very settled
in their career and this often leads to different priorities
and also financial stresses. For example, you know, you might
be saving to travel, they might be saving for a
house or for their kid's college tuition. You know, these
(29:26):
are significant differences and they really do demand open discussion
around financial goals and lifestyle expectations, just to ensure that
you are both on the same page. It's also about
being safe about financial reliance. This is a conversation people
don't want to have, but please, please, please make sure
(29:50):
you have your own savings account, make sure that you
are investing in your own financial literacy. A person, regardless
of what age they are, is not a financial plan.
Even if they can provide for you, you should still
feel like if everything went to shit and you broke up,
(30:11):
or someone cheated or something worse happened, you could provide
for yourself. You know. Coerce of control through money and
finances is also a very real problem, and it's often
exaggerated when there is an earning imbalance. So please just
be smart. Please just don't completely rely on them, even
(30:33):
if they want you to. I always say, like the
person you marry, the person you start dating, is not
the person you break up with, and not the person
you divorce. So even if they're a great person right
now and they're amazing and beautiful and wonderful and you
never think that they could do anything like that, still
just make sure it's in the back of your mind.
Make sure that you're still saying financially literate. And now
(30:55):
we get to perhaps the biggest hurdle, the biggest life
decision that may be different, which is around family and
children and also the timeline around those things. If you're
a younger partner and you deeply want children and the
older partner has grown children and doesn't want any more,
(31:15):
or it's just like past their reproductive years, this can
create a real fundamental incompatibility. Conversely, you know, if the
older partner really wants kids, doesn't have kids yet and
wants them soon, and you're still kind of enjoying your
free younger days, that can also be difficult. Then there
may even be an existing family dynamic that requires a
(31:37):
lot of adjustment and understanding, like are you ready to
be a step parent if you still feel like a
child yourself? Are you ready to invest in a completely
different kind of relationship? You know, because you may be
able to walk away from a relationship a romantic one,
but I don't think you can walk away from children
once they've come to trust you, once you are a
(31:58):
member of their family. It's like that famous quote from Clueless,
the movie. You know, you don't break up. You don't
divorce children, you divorce the adult. So it is something
to really, like, actually consider. These conversations need to happen early,
and they have to happen with brutal honesty, like honestly
(32:19):
brutal honesty. You cannot expect someone to change their mind
around this. They might change their mind, you cannot expect
them to. I read this really amazing writing piece from
a relationship coach and relationship expert, and she said one
of the biggest reasons that she sees marriages fall apart
(32:41):
is because one person wants kids, one person doesn't, and
they both think that the other person is going to
change their mind. You don't have to know for sure,
but if you do know, make sure you make that
clear that that is what you want, because again it's
all about resentment. Is a decision you made with the
other person in mind, not yourself in mind, going to
(33:03):
make you resent them later on? Or can you take
ownership of that decision as being yours. This asymmetry in
life stages, it really does seem to be the biggest
hurdle if you're in an age gap relationship. A very
notable study in twenty eighteen looked at the longitudinal data
from thousands of Australian households and thousands of Australian marriages,
(33:27):
and they found that whilst initial marital satisfaction might be
higher for both men and women with younger spouses, that
satisfaction does tend to decline more rapidly over time for
couples with larger age gaps, and one of the speculations
for this decline is precisely these different life stages and goals.
(33:54):
For example, they suggest that couples of similar ages they
might be better able to understand each other. They might
be able to better understand the developmental and personal chapter
that their spouse is in because they are also in it.
The idea is that the bigger the age gap, the
more likely the relationship will struggle with these phase of
(34:17):
life related challenges. And this study really emphasizes you know,
age isn't just a number we've kept. We've said that
so many times. It's a reflection of potentially divergent pathways
and different priorities, and that might be the hurdle, that
might be the thing that undoes these relationships more than
(34:40):
any other factor. We need to also return to this
issue of power dynamics because it is a hot topic
for a reason. We tend to automatically assume that the
older partner will hold more power due to life experience
and financial stability or more extensive social capital. And in
(35:01):
some cases, like yes, this can be true. If one
partner is significantly more wealthy or established has more autonomy,
they can kind of skew the balance in the relationship.
But it's not a given. You know, a younger person,
a twenty five year old with a strong sense of
self and clear boundaries and a great career and fierce independence,
(35:23):
you know, it can be just as powerful and influential.
Power isn't solely derived from age or income. But I
do think that we need to protect ourselves against any
kind of imbalance when power should be held by both
people equally in different forms. We want the ratio of
(35:45):
our contributions to the outcomes of the relationship to be
equal to our partners. This is a classic theory. It's
called equity theory, and essentially it says that we are
motivated to maintain fairness in our relationship. And if one
partner consistently feels like someone is making more of this decisions,
someone is not taking accountability, someone is not giving as
(36:11):
much as they are receiving, that can create a particular imbalance.
It also comes down to resources, emotional labor, financial contributions,
Who gets to plan the dates, who picks the movies,
who gets to make the life decisions? When it is
not fifty to fifty, dissatisfaction is almost always guaranteed for
age gap relationships. I do think that achieving equity might
(36:34):
require more explicit discussions because it may be that the
older person does feel like they are more worthy of
making decisions or can make decisions because they may be
in a better elevated position. Do both partners feel heard
do they feel like their needs being met? Do they
feel respected? Do they feel valued for who they are
(36:55):
and what they bring to the table. That is something
that needs to constantly be calibrated in any relationship. This
also leads me to talk about something called the teacher's
student dynamic, and it's often the initial hook for the
younger partner and why younger people find themselves with older people.
(37:17):
They want their wisdom, they want their card demeanor, they
want their mentorship, They enjoy sharing experiences. The dynamic can
become problematic quickly if the younger partner becomes overly dependent
on the teacher or is constantly seeking approval or direction
to the point that it stifles their own growth and independence.
(37:40):
If the older partner becomes overly controlling, maternalistic, paternalistic, or
dismissive of the younger partner's opinions just because of their age,
it transforms from a healthy mentorship into an unhealthy student
teacher power imbalance. It's not supportive. It turns an equal
partnership into a hierarchy. A healthy age gap relationship really
(38:03):
flourishes when the teacher's student role is fluid and reversible.
The younger person is learning the older person is learning
and they are growing together. I think this really brings
me to discussing the main factor that it's going to
determine whether an age gap relationship is unhealthy or healthy,
whether it is going to work or not work, and
(38:26):
that is whether the partners just assume things about each
other rather than learning from each other. Do they just
assume what the other person is going to do? Do
they just assume the dynamic? Do they just assume that
someone is going to guide them or someone is going
to follow along? Do they just assume that one of
(38:48):
them is the provider, one of them is the giver,
one of them is the receiver. Do they just assume
the future? You know, what might be an assumed next
step for someone in their their mid twenties, you know,
like saving to go traveling for six months might be
completely different to what is assumed for someone who is older,
who might be saving for retirement. I don't know what
(39:10):
older people say for saving for a house, saving for
something different. If they want different things, and this is
not discussed, and either person is trying to force the
other person to be on their path when they're not ready,
it's insurmountable. It's never going to work. Both of them
are going to be unhappy. And that is really when
(39:32):
we see that very dangerous power dynamic take control. Okay,
I feel like I've been quite doom and gloom for
this last part. And the thing is is that there
are many very successful age gap relationships, even if people
don't understand them from the outside. On the inside, they
(39:54):
don't just survive like they really thrive. And these people
are soulmates and they love each other. Why do they work?
What makes a good age gap relationship versus a bad
age gap relationship. We've talked about the bad, Let's talk
about the good. The most crucial factor, the most important
factor in any relationship, but especially age gap ones, are
(40:19):
shared values, genuine interests, and an undeniable sense of emotional compatibility.
We get so fixated on the age number that we
forget to ask the most fundamental question. Do they laugh
at the same jokes? Do they have similar ideas about loyalty, kindness, compassion?
(40:43):
Do they both agree on what truly constitutes a good life?
Do they enjoy doing similar things? One of my favorite
studies of all time that was published in twenty twenty
two looked at these huge data sets that came from couples,
and they consistently found that overall, relationship satisfaction is linked
(41:03):
far less to things like age, race, and education level,
and far more to things like personality, compatibility and shared experiences.
And one of the biggest factors that will prove whether
a relationship will be successful or a couple will be
successful is this thing called perceived partner responsiveness. Do they
(41:26):
get you, do they truly care about your feelings? Do
they engage with you? And there's an exercise to identify
whether a relationship has this. It's a really simple exercise.
You point out the window and you say, oh, look,
there's a bird, and you see what your partner does.
There's three options. They ignore you completely, they say something
(41:50):
passive like oh that's nice. Cool, but they don't really look,
they don't really engage, or they have an active response.
They get up and they say, oh, my god, where
is it kind of bird? Oh, let me see, Oh
maybe we should do this, Maybe we should do that.
What a beautiful bird? What noise is it making? What
does it look like? They care about what you're seeing,
They care about your life, They care about life through
(42:12):
your eyes. I did this with my partner recently and
he immediately he didn't ask let me see, he didn't.
He wasn't like, oh, what does it look like? He goes, well,
now I need to build a bird house. Now we
have to build a bird house, like if there are
birds outside, well, and if you like the birds, you
know we need that. And I was like it just
made me swoon because I was like, wow, it really
(42:35):
shows that you are interested in this simply because I
am interested in it. Try this with your partner at
your own risk. But you know, there is no formula
for what makes a relationship work. And what doesn't you know?
A twenty five year old and a forty five year
old can be in love for the same reason that
a twenty five year old and twenty five year old
are in love. It may have absolutely nothing to do
(42:56):
with their birth year. The attraction in many cases is
based on finding another human who you connect with, who
you click with, who is responsive to you, irrespective of
when they were born. And those are the couples that
succeed regardless of age and as long as they really
have respect. That's like the secret to any relationship. Okay,
(43:17):
we're going to take a short break. But when we return,
we have some listener questions and dilemmas, including a dilemma
from a listener about her sister who is dating someone
thirty years her senior, Questions around how to handle being
a stepdad, and what to do when your parent is
dating someone your age. So all of that and more
(43:38):
after this short break. So as you guys know, every
episode we have started doing listener questions where I go
on Instagram, I tell you what topics we're going to
be discussing, and I say, shoot, shoot for the stars.
What do you guys want to know? What do you
want to hear about? What dilemmas do you have so
that I can answer them in the episodisode instead of
(44:00):
waiting till the episode comes out to kind of answer
your questions. This episode, we got a lot of dilemmas,
a lot of diylemmas from listeners who are dealing with
some prickly age gap situations. This first story comes from
I'm not going to say her name, but someone whose
sister is dating someone thirty years her senior. Hi, Gemma,
(44:21):
I'm having a little bit of an issue with something
going on in my life right now. My sister, who
is two years older than me is currently dating someone
who is fifty seven. She is twenty seven, and for
whatever reason, I know I shouldn't, but I find this
situation very icky. She wants to bring him to an
(44:44):
upcoming birthday party that I'm holding, and I'm really not
comfortable with that. I know that they are serious and
that they have been together for some time now, but
I'm unsure about his intentions with her, and I feel
like I should say something, or I sh should show
in some way my disapproval for this relationship. On the
other hand, I really want to be supportive and I
(45:06):
love her and we are very close. This person has
put a real buffer between me and her, and it's
making me deeply uncomfortable. What should I do? This is
a really hard situation. Let me tell you honestly what
I would be doing, and then what I think my
higher self would want me to do, and maybe what
you should do. If my sister came to me and
(45:29):
said that she was dating someone in her fifties, I
would immediately feel really uncomfortable about it. It would just
be a knee joke reaction. I probably wouldn't be happy
about it. I probably would tell her and we would
probably have a huge fight and it would be very uncomfortable.
That's what I would do if I wasn't in my
right mind and wasn't thinking properly as a more rational perspective.
(45:50):
I think what you need to say is I think
you really need to ask yourself some questions. Is she happy?
Do I trust in her ability to handle situations like
this on her own? Do I trust her judgment about
these situations? Is she being safe financially you know? Is
she being safe in terms of life decisions? Is she
making decisions that you think she genuinely wants to make
(46:12):
or is it being guided by this man? Does she
want kids? Is that a discussion that you think that
they are having. This is just all questions to ask
yourself to make you feel more at ease with the
fact that she is a grown woman. Nothing you say
or do will probably force them to break up. If anything,
(46:33):
it's an age old It's an age old tale that
you tell someone you don't like their boyfriend, and you're
the one who's going to get cut out of their life. So,
if you are genuinely worried about her and her safety
or her wellbeing, or that she's making a mistake. Staying
close to her and being able to monitor that as
someone who is on her good side is probably better.
(46:57):
You know, it's going to be worse if you isolate
her by saying that you don't approve when maybe at
this point nothing is actually wrong. Maybe they really do
just have a great relationship and you just yet to
understand it. Maybe you will come around to it, maybe
you'll see it in a different light later on. You've
also got to remember like it's her life and she
(47:17):
has to make some of those mistakes herself. As much
as we love our siblings, and we love our friends,
and we love the people we love, we cannot control
their lives for them. Maybe this is just something that
she has to experience. Maybe it will turn out really
really well. You don't know. I would say, my higher
self would say, ignore the instinct to get angry and
(47:39):
to say something, and just observe and wait to see
if there is really a reason that you need to
step in and good luck. Our second question of the day,
how do you deal with dating someone who already has kids.
I'm not ready to be a step parent, but I
feel like I'll have to be because I love this
person so much. That is a crazy dilemma and something
(48:00):
that I've personally never encountered. I've never been a step parent,
I've never been a parent. What I really think that
you should be doing is having as many open conversations
with your partner as possible. Firstly, you need to get
clear on whether they see a really serious future with you,
because if they don't, there's no point worrying about investing
(48:24):
in their family if they have no plan to make
you part of that family. You also need to really
ask yourself, am I prepared for my life to fully
change once you are a parent, even if you are
a step parent. That is a huge responsibility. Take some
time to really think about whether you are ready for
that life chapter, because it is it will be the
(48:48):
end of some things that you can do and of
a life that you may have thought you were going
to have. Be really serious with yourself around whether which
life you want more and which life and whether you
think this new life is one that you are ready for.
It's a lot of responsibility. You need to have really
open discussions around what your role in their life is
(49:08):
going to be, is going to be, what their relationship
with their ex partner is like, what your relationship with
their ex partner will be like what your relationship with
their kids will be like, Custody arrangements, time apart, whether
your plans for the future lineup. If you want to
go travel like you're gonna have to go travel with
the kids like you, the more information the better. I
(49:30):
also think that you know if you're going to walk away,
now's the time before you have met them. Best of luck.
I think that's really really tough. I know you made
the right decision, though, and I'm sure that the fact
that you're already thinking about it means that you're going
to be an amazing step parent if that's what you
choose to do, or you're going to make the right
(49:51):
choice for you and be an amazing person without this
person as well, even if it's a hard choice. All right,
Our third question for the day help. My dad is
dating a woman who is my age technically one year
older than me, but still she's twenty six. What do
I say? I can get the discomfort here. As much
(50:13):
as I have been pro age gap relationships, of course
healthy age gap relationships, this does feel kind of uncomfortable.
I think I would give you the same advice as
I gave the first person, which is until it becomes
a problem, don't express an opinion, but definitely have strong
boundaries around when you see her, if she's invited to
(50:35):
family events, what you guys talk about. Really be really
clear that she is not your friend. She is your
father's girlfriend until the relationship has been proven to be stable,
until you can really see the direction that it's going in. Again,
you know, it's kind of hard because it's none of
(50:57):
your business, but it is also a whole lot of
your business. So I think just like, hopefully you have
siblings who you can talk to this about, be welcoming,
but she doesn't have to be your friend. You don't
really have to invest in their relationship emotionally until it's
proven that it's gone beyond a point. And just be
really clear around like, what you will and won't talk
about with this person is what your father expects from
(51:21):
you in terms of, yeah, being around this person, and
if he's expecting too much, just be like, hey, I
find this weird, and if you can't see the fact
that this is weird, you're going to have to deal
with that. But I need to protect my piece against
the weirdness of this and yeah, hopefully we can have mature,
out up discussions about it, but yeah, I can. Gosh,
wishing you guys all a lot of luck. There's a
(51:42):
lot of complicated relationships out there. This is what this
episode is really teaching me. But I know you can
handle it, and I get your discomfort. But the relationship
might not be forever, just it might not stand the
test of time. Go see a therapist about the more
complex Freudian parts of that. And my god, I just
why is my only advice good luck? I really feel
like that's all I can say. Good luck. I'm ready
(52:04):
for our final question. I actually got this quite a lot.
Which is Is it true that women are more emotionally
mature than men and develop faster, hence why they are
attracted to older partners compared to someone their own age.
So this is a myth such I don't even know
if it's a myth. This is just an idea that
has been circling around for a while. It is true
(52:28):
that girls often mature faster than boys at a younger age,
so basically, when we are teenagers, when we're children, girls
their brains will develop faster, they will gain better working memory,
greater emotional regulation, better cognitive skills earlier compared to boys.
(52:52):
There is a debate whether that is because of social
conditioning or because of just biological blueprint that's just how
women spraying works. Or is it that their learning environment
is making it so that they pick up on these
skills faster because more is expected of them compared to boys. However,
as we get older, around the age of eighteen to
(53:13):
twenty two, the gap definitely starts to become smaller. It
definitely starts to become narrower, so that men and women
have a very similar intellectual capacity, a very similar level
of emotional maturity, or their brains have a similar capacity
(53:34):
for emotional maturity, similar levels of working memory are et cetera,
et cetera. So I don't know whether this is entirely true.
One study did find that men don't reach peak mental
maturity until forty three, whilst women typically mature around thirty two.
(53:55):
But I think there needs to be more research. I
do think that what it really comes down is personal
preser diferences and to maybe the condition preferences of women
to get serious quicker, especially since there's a real stigma
around being single. The perceived pressure on women to have
children younger because of the biological clock factor. But yeah,
(54:18):
it's a very complex question. I would say right now,
it's definitely based on it's an individual thing rather than
a generalized thing that we can say women are more
mature than men. We can prove this using these scientific
and statistical models. Therefore, that's why women day older. But
it's a very very interesting question. I hope you guys
(54:39):
really enjoyed this episode. It's definitely complex, it's layered. Again,
I really welcome disagreement if you have a different perspective
on this. I really don't have all the answers, so
leave a comment below your experience in age gap relationships,
the experiences of friends of yours, something an argument, or
an element of this you didn't think we cover, just
so that we can keep the discussion going on down there.
(55:03):
I just hope this episode gave you some food for thoughts,
some insights, perhaps a gentle nudge towards rethinking any stereotypes
that you may have, because I definitely had them. But
as always, make sure that you leave a five star
review that you are following us wherever you are listening
on Apple podcasts on Spotify. It really does help new
(55:24):
people find us, and that is such a gift, such
a blessing to have new listeners wherever they are in
the world and whatever content they choose to engage with.
Just having more members of the community is always brilliant.
Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at
that Psychology podcast if you want to contribute to our
listener questions. These ones were juicy, so if you've got
(55:47):
another question on this episode or another episode that's coming up,
that's the best place to deliver it. But until next time,
stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself, and we
will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. I just
want to jump in early to this episode and thank
you all for the love that you have shown my
relatively new podcast, Mantra. I know I've been talking about
(00:50):
it a lot recently, but if you didn't know, I
actually have another podcast. It's called Mantra, and every Monday,
I give you an affirmation, a powerful phrase or statement
to carry you through the week, and we explore the philosophy,
the spirituality, the psychology behind what makes that phrase work.
(01:10):
For example, recent mantras that I've covered include I know
that love won't pass me, I release the need to
do it all, I cultivate peace within. It's one mantra
every Monday to help anchor you in the present, to
help I guess just ground you and give you some
kind of clarity in your life. So if you haven't
(01:32):
checked that out, and if you love the psychology of
your twenties, I'll leave a link in the description because
I think you would really really enjoy it. With that
in mind, let's get into this episode, a bit of
a controversial episode, an episode where I am sure people
will not agree with me on some of my takes,
(01:53):
but I'm very much looking forward to the discussion. And
you guys know, I'm very much looking forward to being
proven wrong or just hearing what other people's perspectives are.
We're talking about age gap relationships. I recently saw this
BuzzFeed article, and I know BuzzFeed is such a relic
of the past, but I saw this article speaking about
(02:14):
famous Hollywood couples known for having a significant age gap,
Beyonce and Jay Z, Leonardo DiCaprio, and literally everyone he's
ever dated. Some of these people were even born decades apart,
you know, Chris Jenner, Corey Gamble, George Clooney, a Mile Clooney.
And that article didn't really surprise me. The comments, though,
(02:34):
were I don't want to say shocking, but really psychologically
sociologically interesting. How split down the middle. People were about
these kinds of relationships, and it got me thinking, with
something so sensationalized as age gap relationships that are spoken
about and dissected so often in the media, how do
(02:55):
they actually work? How can people, even decades apart, be
a t'reacted to each other and form long lasting, successful
relationships when you would assume that their mindsets and their
mental age would be so very different. Is there a
special secret number that makes age gap relationships appropriate and not?
(03:17):
Where is the line between when we understand them and
when they start to feel a little bit maybe uncomfortable.
I really wanted to know what are the dynamics that
make these relationships work. Why do we have an implicit
societal judgment about these relationships? Is that judgment fair? And
that's really what we're going to explore today, not just
(03:39):
the public opinion about age gap relationships, but the psychology
about it. And there is a lot to this topic.
It's not just as simple as an age difference. We
really need to talk about individual needs, dating preferences, maturity expectations,
sidal pressures, developmental psychology. I think the reason that people
(04:01):
have varying and different opinions on these kinds of relationships
is that it's often against the story that we have
been told about our lives and romantic love, the story
that says you meet someone around your age, maybe in college,
maybe through friends or at your first real job. You date,
you get serious, you get engaged, you get married, probably
(04:23):
around the same time that all your friends are doing it.
You might buy your first home, you know, you might
have children, you grow old together. You're hitting all these
predictable major milestones at the same time. When an age
gap is introduced, basically, it gets kind of confusing. When
do you choose to have kids? What if that person
(04:44):
already has kids? Can you actually be with someone who
is much older than you or is it going to,
you know, intrinsically automatically set up a power imbalance. There's
all these whispers of trophy partners or sugar daddies or
hidden agendas on many pulation. Is that assessment fair? So
(05:05):
we're going to explore the why behind the attraction. We're
going to explore the stereotypes. We're going to talk about
not just romantic age gap relationships but platonic ones as well,
and we're also going to unpack can these relationships work,
what are the unique dynamics and challenges that they are
going to face, and how can we maybe confront our
own biases and rethink what an age gap relationship really means,
(05:29):
not just for the two people in it, but for
society in general. So there is a lot to discuss.
I know, I always say this, there is a lot
of psychology that you may not have expected. So without
further ado, let's get into the psychology of age gap relationships.
(05:50):
So before we go any further, I need to make
a really serious but important distinction, one that is absolutely
critical to this entire conversation. When we talk about age
gap relationships on this podcast, we are exclusively talking about
relationships between consenting adults. This is a non negotiable point.
The very idea of an age gap is deeply problematic
(06:15):
and frankly dangerous when it is applied to relationships involving
miners or younger people. In those situations, we're not talking
about a discussion, We're not talking about a debate. There
is no rout or wrong answer. It's wrong. It's exploitation,
its abuse, it's illegal. The power and balance, the developmental
(06:35):
differences and the capacity for true consent are fundamentally absent
when one person is a child, even if they're mature
for their age, even if they've graduated high school, whatever
it is. Also, we are not at all about supporting
relationships where grooming has taken place and someone has waited
(06:55):
till someone is freshly eighteen or nineteen to start a
serious relationship but I was, you know, secretly attracted to
them for much longer. Still not okay. Just because it
may be legal doesn't mean that it's right. I think
when we are young, an acceptable age gap is going
to be smaller than between someone who is saying in
their late twenties or thirties or forties, because of the
(07:18):
amount of growth that you're going through. It is so rapid.
You know, the difference between nineteen and twenty five and
thirty five, like, those are much bigger jumps in terms
of understanding and experiences and mental maturity compared to the
jump between twenty seven, thirty seven, forty seven or fifty seven.
(07:38):
And that is something that we really need to acknowledge
if anyone is trying to justify a relationship that started
when someone was sixteen or seventeen or eighteen or even nineteen,
and the other person was much older or in a
position of developmental power. Doesn't have a place here. Sorry,
it's just creepy. We're not going to be accepting rebuttals
on that fact. But with that vital point really established,
(08:02):
let's talk about consenting age gap relationships, starting at the
very beginning, why they occur in the first place, and
breaking down the attraction itself. So generally, when psychologists talk
about age gap relationships, they are referring to a romantic
partnership where there's an age difference of seven years or
more between partners. Now, of course, I think five or
(08:26):
six years can even feel particularly significant depending on your
life stage, especially when you're in your early twenties. You know,
five years can mean the difference between still being at
university and having a mortgage. But seven to ten years
is often the threshold used in the research. So that's
going to be our starting point today. Let's begin with
(08:47):
the question why is it that people are drawn to
someone who is significantly older or significantly younger. We really
cannot talk about this without mentioning evolutionary psychology, of course,
so David Buss, he's one of the leading voices in
this field. He has spent decades studying mate preferences across cultures,
(09:09):
including those with an age gap, and interestingly, what he
has found in studies spanning more than thirty countries is
actually pretty consistent. Heterosexual men, on average tend to prefer
younger women, typically women in their mid twenties, regardless of
their own age, whereas women, on the other hand, tend
to prefer slightly older men, often by about three to
(09:32):
five years, sometimes more. I just want to say a
lot of this research, if not all, of it, is
very heteronormative. I really did search for articles on lesbian
or queer couples or gay men, and there is basically nothing.
So if you're in the market for a cool PhD
or research project, this is a good place to start.
But for now, the research we have mainly focuses on
(09:54):
straight men and women, and this pattern appears to be
pretty consistent. According to an evolutionary model, men would be
drawn to signals of fertility and youth, which would often
indicate reproductive viability. The idea is that men just want
to have offspring. Who are they going to have the
(10:15):
best chances with someone who was younger. That's the theory.
Women conversely, are theorized to really look for signals of
stability resources and the ability to protect and provide traits
that often accumulate with age and experience. So this is
all part of something we call sexual selection theory, and
(10:36):
it explains why these preferences might show up in large
population studies based on parts of our biology as humans
and parts of our animal nature. Now, of course, there
are nuances to this. Scientists are going deeper, and what
they found is it's not just that women like older,
(10:58):
men like younger. When you dig deeper, it's that women
who are before forty so younger women tend to prefer
a larger age gap, But as women get older, they
actually prefer someone their own age or someone even younger.
So maybe the data that we're collecting is only looking
(11:19):
at a certain group of women, or the preferences of
older women are kind of getting suppressed by certain data sets. Men,
on the other hand, do typically like the same age
from the age of twenty to the age of sixty.
But again, just because the data has a median, just
because the data has a trend, doesn't necessarily mean that
(11:44):
it represents every single person. You cannot take one study,
one data set and say, look, there we go. Men
like younger, women like older That is the truth of
the universe. What's even more fascinating is a recent study
from actually started this year January twenty twenty five that
looked at over six thousand blind dates and it found
(12:06):
that whilst women report wanting older partners in surveys, actually
in blind date scenarios they are just as attracted to
younger partners as men were. And this suggests that there
might be a difference between what we think we prefer
and what actually sparks attraction and real life interactions. So
(12:27):
if you're only basing your data on self reporting, so
if you're only basing it on asking someone, do you
like older men? Do you like younger men? Do you
like older women? Do you like younger women? People are
going to say something different to what they might reflect
in a real life scenario. And here's where the critics
(12:47):
of this evolutionary theory would jump in and make them
very valid points. We are not just animals. This perspective
is overly deterministic. It's two for focused on biology, not
enough on culture, not enough on the complexities of human
beings and individual choice and rational preferences it might actually
(13:12):
come down to the qualities of the individual rather than
this primal urge, because I think a lot of us
can't relate to that. You know, I personally cannot relate
to this very simplistic biological idea that I should like
older men because that's what would be best for having offspring.
Like I think it really does reduce people to just
(13:34):
wanting to I don't know, drive to have children, and
if you don't want children, like, how do you fit
into this model? And if you know you can't have children,
how do you fit into this model? Like that, you
can see that it's very it's one dimensional. It doesn't
fit everyone. Let's talk about this quality based theory behind
(13:55):
age gap relationships. So basically, the second theory goes to
say that the reason that age gap relationships are more
prevalent amongst certain people, or the reason people choose them,
is actually because it's not just what age reflects, it's
what experience reflects. If you're the younger partner, the draw
to an older individual might come from a personal desire
(14:19):
for factors like maturity, stability, and guidance. That's what you
want in a partner, and that's something you may have
been struggling to find in a twenty one year old
or a twenty seven year old. It's not that if
a twenty seven year old or a twenty one year
old came along and had all of those factors, you
would say, no, it's just that it's hard to find them.
So now imagine meeting someone, say ten or fifteen years older.
(14:43):
They've already navigated a significant chunk of that early adult chaos.
They might be firmly established in their career. They might
have their own home, a clear sense of who they are,
a clear sense of what they want, a lot of wisdom.
If that's something that you always have desired in a partner,
you can see why this would be incredibly appealing. They
(15:03):
also might introduce you to new things, new ideas, better restaurants,
a sense of quiet comfort that feels, you know, very
far away from dating in your twenties, where it's situationships
and one night stands. It's a personal preference. Age is
just a number, I guess, That's what I'm trying to say.
But the experiences in the mindset that come from age
is what appeals to you. Based on a dating preference
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that could actually be met by someone your own age.
Let's flip the script. What might an older partner find
attractive in someone younger? You know what, I'm going to
admit my prejudices here and say that I used to
think that the only reason that an older man or
well mainly an older man or dating younger woman is
just because she was hot and because she may have
(15:47):
been easy to manipulate. That is really what I used
to believe. But having discussions with my friends, like I've
come to realize that it's more complex, and I'm glad
that they kind of called me out on what was
a very I think old school bias for someone who
is older. It's not just that a younger person might be,
you know, more youthful, and that they find that more attractive.
(16:07):
It often has to do with energy. This is what
people have explained to me. Energy, a fresh perspective, unbridled
enthusiasm for life. If you're an older partner, the attraction
to someone younger may stem from that real desire for vitality.
Maybe as you get into your thirties and your forties,
life can feel very routine, and someone who's in their
(16:30):
twenties brings a sense of adventure and excitement and spontaneity.
They might challenge you. There's also a sense of validation
feeling desired and attractive to someone who represents youth and beauty.
That can be a really powerful boost to self esteem,
as one ages. I just watched Materialists the other day,
gonna say it's a terrible movie. Really didn't like it,
(16:51):
but one thing did stand out, and it was when
Dakota Johnson is talking to that bride who is getting married,
and she says, you want to marry him because he
may you feel valuable. Really, that's why we want to
be with anyone. They make us feel valuable for whatever reason.
And if you're an older person, the same interaction is
at play here. They make you feel valuable, even in
(17:14):
a very ageous society. Who would tell you that the
older you get, the less worth you have. If we
really think about this through a lens of social exchange theory,
this might help us understand it from a more cost
benefit perspective. Social exchange theory basically says that any relationship
can be seen as an exchange where both parties seek
(17:36):
to maximize rewards and minimize costs. Obviously, this might be
unconscious when you're in love and you know, desperately devoted
and loyal and desiring of someone. But in any age
gap relationship, there is an exchange youth and beauty vitality
on one side for stability, wisdom, and resources, the same
(18:00):
way that any other couple has an exchange of their own.
An age gap relationship exchange might just be a little
bit more obvious in those certain areas, and it might
sound mathematical, but it's simply acknowledging that different life stages
offer different currencies, the same way that different perspectives often
different different currencies. And a relationship might feel balanced despite
(18:23):
an age gap if both partners perceive themselves as getting
something valuable and deeply needed from the other. It's really
about finding completeness that might be missing from the relationships
that you may be having with your peers. And again,
it does sometimes just come down to mental age, and
it comes down to your mindset whether you want someone
(18:46):
who was younger or older based on how you see yourself.
So I want to talk about something else, a little
bit of a little bit of a sidebar, if you will.
I want to talk about platonic friendships with an age gap,
because I think a discuss if this fits well into
the social exchange theory. Right, we cannot just see age
gap relationships only through a romantic lens. Having non romantic
(19:10):
bonds that are intergenerational is incredibly powerful. It's something that
I personally think that we need to have more of.
One of my most amazing, greatest friends, someone I really
treasure as a friend whose name is Emma. She's in
her fifties, and we met at a ceramics class and
she was amazing, and we just kept doing courses with
(19:30):
each other, and she comes to parties of mine, she
comes to book events, she brings me honey from her bumblebees,
and we talk about everything, and I trust her opinions
so much on what's happening in my life. And I
remember last year when I was going through a tough time,
she just gave me the most beautiful advice. And it
was advice that I don't think I could have gotten
from a friend around my age, because they hadn't lived
(19:53):
through it the way that she had lived through it.
And if we can see that there is this beautiful
exchange between peop like me and Emma, we can see
how that might translate in a romantic sense as well.
But from a platonic sense, these relationships are so valuable.
Maybe it's like an older colleague who's like become a mentor,
or your elderly neighbor that like retells stories of when
(20:15):
they were younger, or younger family member, or a cousin
or a sibling's friend who like keeps you in and
on all the goths and all like the trends and
whatever like. They bring about such a different perspective that
we are missing. And in a world where I think
we are increasingly burrowing into our bubbles and we are
(20:36):
increasingly only seeking out opinions that maybe match our own,
or experiences that match our own, having people who are
different to us, not just in terms of like race
or religion or ethnicity or beliefs, but age as well
is actually really really valuable, and they can bring you
so many new ideas and they can challenge your assumptions.
(20:58):
So actually I went looking for research to confirm this,
and it wasn't that hard to find. There was a
study done in twenty sixteen from the Stanford Center of
Longevity that found that intergenerational relationships are incredibly important for
life satisfaction, for learning and provide a really deep sense
of companionship. It's really good for us in our twenties,
(21:20):
but it's also good for the older generation. A twenty
twenty two study of over five thousand people who were
over sixty found that the ones who had close friends
under the age of fifty and under the age of
forty even actually felt younger, and they were more likely
to be physically active. They were more like to be
socially active as well. And you know what, this is
(21:42):
a less fun statistic, but I think it's worth mentioning.
Nearly one third of seniors said that it had been
at least five years since they'd made a new friend,
five years since they had a new person in their
life who was interested in them and who cared about
them and who could talk to them. And I think
our generation is also equally struggling with loneliness. And it's like,
(22:04):
here is this solution that is right in front of us.
If we can get over the stereotypes of what we
think is expected from us socially, and if we can
get over this idea that it's weird to have older
friends or it's weird to be friends with people who
are younger than you absolutely not. What these platonic bonds
I think really highlight is that we all have this
core human desire for companionship that transcends age. When you
(22:29):
find someone, regardless of their birth year, with whom you
share values, intellectual curiosity, genuine mutual respect, a very powerful
relationship can bloom platonic or non platonic. This is your reminder.
Talk to older people. Make friends with the people who
are ten twenty forty years older than you. They will
(22:50):
teach you so much valuable stuff. And it's not just
about what they can teach you. They're also like, you
could just have a friend, like a regular older friend
who you hang out with and who you get drinks
with and who you get coffee with. And I think
that's amazing. We all need more friends. Now that I've
taken that, I think very necessary detour, but very weird
d to her, we are going to circle back to
(23:12):
romantic relationships, particularly the unique challenges they might face and
when an age gap relationship should be called into question.
So stay with us. We'll be right back after this shortbreak. So,
once that initial spark is there, what are the unique
(23:33):
dynamics in challenges that an age gap couple may face,
especially as they navigate, you know, the very different waters
of their respective life stages, because I think whilst love
may be blind, life stages certainly are not, and pretending
that they don't exist is frankly not very helpful and
(23:54):
will end up getting in the way. Firstly, the really
critical issue that I think a lot of people in
age gap relationships will encounter is social perception and stigma.
Research and social psychology consistently shows that age gap relationships,
particularly those where the woman is significantly older than the man,
or where the gap is very large, face a lot
(24:17):
of external judgment and scrutiny. Whether that is fair or
not is something we're going to debate in a second.
But you know, friends might be wary, family might disapprove,
even strangers make assumptions, give you a bit of the
side eye. This external pressure can be incredibly draining on
the relationship. It requires the couple to be very secure
(24:40):
in their bond and to really develop strategies for dealing
with this judgment, and it can definitely kind of foster
a sense of us against the world that can either
strengthen the bond or isolate the couple or isolate an
individual within the couple from leaving sometimes, and this stigma
(25:00):
is often massively amplified and distorted by media representation. Think
about how age gap relationships are usually portrayed on screen,
in tabloids, in mainstream news. They tend to fall into
a few stereotypical categories, right the sugar daddy, the cougar,
the gold digger, the manipulator. Even someone assuming that a
(25:24):
younger woman has daddy issues. On the point of younger
women with daddy issues actually liking older men, I actually
want to tell you the research completely refutes this IDEA
twenty sixteen study found that seventy four percent of women
in age gap relationships with older men were securely attached,
which is actually above the general population average of around
(25:46):
fifty to sixty five percent. So again, we are obviously
getting some things wrong here, and those media portrayals they
do matter. It doesn't just you know, reflect public opinion.
It really shapes public opinion and means that someone in
a very healthy age gap relationship might feel that there
are implicit biases about who they are with. So another
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of the most frequently sided challenge in any age gap
relationship is, of course, differing life stages. If you are
in your twenties, you are right smack in the middle
of what psychologists call emerging adulthood. This is a very unique,
very important developmental period from around eighteen to twenty nine
(26:31):
that has five unique features to it. Identity, exploration, instability,
self focus, feeling in between, and the sense of multiple possibilities.
Even if you think you are old for your age,
these five things are undoubtedly happening to you in some
form during this period of em of emerging adulthood. Now
(26:53):
imagine you're going through that and your partner is like
way past their twenties. They've often already navigated a significant
chunk of that early adult chaos, and they have a
clear sense of who they are and what they want.
This can create very natural, but often subtle divergences in
daily life and daily priorities and social needs. Starting with
(27:15):
social needs, you know, your idea of a good time
might differ, Your social circles might differ. You know, for you,
if you're in your early twenties mid twenties, like, your
ideal Friday night might be a noisy pub or going
out for drinks or doing something out and about, whilst
your partner maybe finding that it's a quiet dinner with
longtime friends or their children or their family, and so
(27:39):
merging these or maintaining separate social lives really does require
conscious effort to find like an authentic shared ground between
the younger one and the older one. If you are
someone younger dating someone older, you do have to consider
whether you are going to feel like you're missing out.
(28:00):
Do you want to be having the fun, young, free,
careless experiences that everyone else is having, particularly when it
comes to dating, partying, traveling. Is that something that your
current partner can provide you access to do they want
to do it with you? Or maybe it's just not
your thing at all and that's fine, But is there
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anything you really want to do that maybe would be
better with a partner your own age or no. Again,
it's a personal preference, like there is no right answer,
there's no judgment, but it is something to consider. Are
there things that you are going to miss out on
because of this relationship dynamic that may actually foster long
(28:42):
term resentment. It's a thing that comes up in any relationship,
the idea that someone else is making you closed doors
for them or say no for them when you really
want to say yes. You just have to consider that
career trajectories are another thing that's probably going to vary.
You might be intensely focused on getting internships, climbing the
(29:04):
career ladder, building your professional identity, just not even knowing
what you want, and your partner could be very settled
in their career and this often leads to different priorities
and also financial stresses. For example, you know, you might
be saving to travel, they might be saving for a
house or for their kid's college tuition. You know, these
(29:26):
are significant differences and they really do demand open discussion
around financial goals and lifestyle expectations, just to ensure that
you are both on the same page. It's also about
being safe about financial reliance. This is a conversation people
don't want to have, but please, please, please make sure
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you have your own savings account, make sure that you
are investing in your own financial literacy. A person, regardless
of what age they are, is not a financial plan.
Even if they can provide for you, you should still
feel like if everything went to shit and you broke up,
(30:11):
or someone cheated or something worse happened, you could provide
for yourself. You know. Coerce of control through money and
finances is also a very real problem, and it's often
exaggerated when there is an earning imbalance. So please just
be smart. Please just don't completely rely on them, even
(30:33):
if they want you to. I always say, like the
person you marry, the person you start dating, is not
the person you break up with, and not the person
you divorce. So even if they're a great person right
now and they're amazing and beautiful and wonderful and you
never think that they could do anything like that, still
just make sure it's in the back of your mind.
Make sure that you're still saying financially literate. And now
(30:55):
we get to perhaps the biggest hurdle, the biggest life
decision that may be different, which is around family and
children and also the timeline around those things. If you're
a younger partner and you deeply want children and the
older partner has grown children and doesn't want any more,
(31:15):
or it's just like past their reproductive years, this can
create a real fundamental incompatibility. Conversely, you know, if the
older partner really wants kids, doesn't have kids yet and
wants them soon, and you're still kind of enjoying your
free younger days, that can also be difficult. Then there
may even be an existing family dynamic that requires a
(31:37):
lot of adjustment and understanding, like are you ready to
be a step parent if you still feel like a
child yourself? Are you ready to invest in a completely
different kind of relationship? You know, because you may be
able to walk away from a relationship a romantic one,
but I don't think you can walk away from children
once they've come to trust you, once you are a
(31:58):
member of their family. It's like that famous quote from Clueless,
the movie. You know, you don't break up. You don't
divorce children, you divorce the adult. So it is something
to really, like, actually consider. These conversations need to happen early,
and they have to happen with brutal honesty, like honestly
(32:19):
brutal honesty. You cannot expect someone to change their mind
around this. They might change their mind, you cannot expect
them to. I read this really amazing writing piece from
a relationship coach and relationship expert, and she said one
of the biggest reasons that she sees marriages fall apart
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is because one person wants kids, one person doesn't, and
they both think that the other person is going to
change their mind. You don't have to know for sure,
but if you do know, make sure you make that
clear that that is what you want, because again it's
all about resentment. Is a decision you made with the
other person in mind, not yourself in mind, going to
(33:03):
make you resent them later on? Or can you take
ownership of that decision as being yours. This asymmetry in
life stages, it really does seem to be the biggest
hurdle if you're in an age gap relationship. A very
notable study in twenty eighteen looked at the longitudinal data
from thousands of Australian households and thousands of Australian marriages,
(33:27):
and they found that whilst initial marital satisfaction might be
higher for both men and women with younger spouses, that
satisfaction does tend to decline more rapidly over time for
couples with larger age gaps, and one of the speculations
for this decline is precisely these different life stages and goals.
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For example, they suggest that couples of similar ages they
might be better able to understand each other. They might
be able to better understand the developmental and personal chapter
that their spouse is in because they are also in it.
The idea is that the bigger the age gap, the
more likely the relationship will struggle with these phase of
(34:17):
life related challenges. And this study really emphasizes you know,
age isn't just a number we've kept. We've said that
so many times. It's a reflection of potentially divergent pathways
and different priorities, and that might be the hurdle, that
might be the thing that undoes these relationships more than
(34:40):
any other factor. We need to also return to this
issue of power dynamics because it is a hot topic
for a reason. We tend to automatically assume that the
older partner will hold more power due to life experience
and financial stability or more extensive social capital. And in
(35:01):
some cases, like yes, this can be true. If one
partner is significantly more wealthy or established has more autonomy,
they can kind of skew the balance in the relationship.
But it's not a given. You know, a younger person,
a twenty five year old with a strong sense of
self and clear boundaries and a great career and fierce independence,
(35:23):
you know, it can be just as powerful and influential.
Power isn't solely derived from age or income. But I
do think that we need to protect ourselves against any
kind of imbalance when power should be held by both
people equally in different forms. We want the ratio of
(35:45):
our contributions to the outcomes of the relationship to be
equal to our partners. This is a classic theory. It's
called equity theory, and essentially it says that we are
motivated to maintain fairness in our relationship. And if one
partner consistently feels like someone is making more of this decisions,
someone is not taking accountability, someone is not giving as
(36:11):
much as they are receiving, that can create a particular imbalance.
It also comes down to resources, emotional labor, financial contributions,
Who gets to plan the dates, who picks the movies,
who gets to make the life decisions? When it is
not fifty to fifty, dissatisfaction is almost always guaranteed for
age gap relationships. I do think that achieving equity might
(36:34):
require more explicit discussions because it may be that the
older person does feel like they are more worthy of
making decisions or can make decisions because they may be
in a better elevated position. Do both partners feel heard
do they feel like their needs being met? Do they
feel respected? Do they feel valued for who they are
(36:55):
and what they bring to the table. That is something
that needs to constantly be calibrated in any relationship. This
also leads me to talk about something called the teacher's
student dynamic, and it's often the initial hook for the
younger partner and why younger people find themselves with older people.
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They want their wisdom, they want their card demeanor, they
want their mentorship, They enjoy sharing experiences. The dynamic can
become problematic quickly if the younger partner becomes overly dependent
on the teacher or is constantly seeking approval or direction
to the point that it stifles their own growth and independence.
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If the older partner becomes overly controlling, maternalistic, paternalistic, or
dismissive of the younger partner's opinions just because of their age,
it transforms from a healthy mentorship into an unhealthy student
teacher power imbalance. It's not supportive. It turns an equal
partnership into a hierarchy. A healthy age gap relationship really
(38:03):
flourishes when the teacher's student role is fluid and reversible.
The younger person is learning the older person is learning
and they are growing together. I think this really brings
me to discussing the main factor that it's going to
determine whether an age gap relationship is unhealthy or healthy,
whether it is going to work or not work, and
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that is whether the partners just assume things about each
other rather than learning from each other. Do they just
assume what the other person is going to do? Do
they just assume the dynamic? Do they just assume that
someone is going to guide them or someone is going
to follow along? Do they just assume that one of
(38:48):
them is the provider, one of them is the giver,
one of them is the receiver. Do they just assume
the future? You know, what might be an assumed next
step for someone in their their mid twenties, you know,
like saving to go traveling for six months might be
completely different to what is assumed for someone who is older,
who might be saving for retirement. I don't know what
(39:10):
older people say for saving for a house, saving for
something different. If they want different things, and this is
not discussed, and either person is trying to force the
other person to be on their path when they're not ready,
it's insurmountable. It's never going to work. Both of them
are going to be unhappy. And that is really when
(39:32):
we see that very dangerous power dynamic take control. Okay,
I feel like I've been quite doom and gloom for
this last part. And the thing is is that there
are many very successful age gap relationships, even if people
don't understand them from the outside. On the inside, they
(39:54):
don't just survive like they really thrive. And these people
are soulmates and they love each other. Why do they work?
What makes a good age gap relationship versus a bad
age gap relationship. We've talked about the bad, Let's talk
about the good. The most crucial factor, the most important
factor in any relationship, but especially age gap ones, are
(40:19):
shared values, genuine interests, and an undeniable sense of emotional compatibility.
We get so fixated on the age number that we
forget to ask the most fundamental question. Do they laugh
at the same jokes? Do they have similar ideas about loyalty, kindness, compassion?
(40:43):
Do they both agree on what truly constitutes a good life?
Do they enjoy doing similar things? One of my favorite
studies of all time that was published in twenty twenty
two looked at these huge data sets that came from couples,
and they consistently found that overall, relationship satisfaction is linked
(41:03):
far less to things like age, race, and education level,
and far more to things like personality, compatibility and shared experiences.
And one of the biggest factors that will prove whether
a relationship will be successful or a couple will be
successful is this thing called perceived partner responsiveness. Do they
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get you, do they truly care about your feelings? Do
they engage with you? And there's an exercise to identify
whether a relationship has this. It's a really simple exercise.
You point out the window and you say, oh, look,
there's a bird, and you see what your partner does.
There's three options. They ignore you completely, they say something
(41:50):
passive like oh that's nice. Cool, but they don't really look,
they don't really engage, or they have an active response.
They get up and they say, oh, my god, where
is it kind of bird? Oh, let me see, Oh
maybe we should do this, Maybe we should do that.
What a beautiful bird? What noise is it making? What
does it look like? They care about what you're seeing,
They care about your life, They care about life through
(42:12):
your eyes. I did this with my partner recently and
he immediately he didn't ask let me see, he didn't.
He wasn't like, oh, what does it look like? He goes, well,
now I need to build a bird house. Now we
have to build a bird house, like if there are
birds outside, well, and if you like the birds, you
know we need that. And I was like it just
made me swoon because I was like, wow, it really
(42:35):
shows that you are interested in this simply because I
am interested in it. Try this with your partner at
your own risk. But you know, there is no formula
for what makes a relationship work. And what doesn't you know?
A twenty five year old and a forty five year
old can be in love for the same reason that
a twenty five year old and twenty five year old
are in love. It may have absolutely nothing to do
(42:56):
with their birth year. The attraction in many cases is
based on finding another human who you connect with, who
you click with, who is responsive to you, irrespective of
when they were born. And those are the couples that
succeed regardless of age and as long as they really
have respect. That's like the secret to any relationship. Okay,
(43:17):
we're going to take a short break. But when we return,
we have some listener questions and dilemmas, including a dilemma
from a listener about her sister who is dating someone
thirty years her senior, Questions around how to handle being
a stepdad, and what to do when your parent is
dating someone your age. So all of that and more
(43:38):
after this short break. So as you guys know, every
episode we have started doing listener questions where I go
on Instagram, I tell you what topics we're going to
be discussing, and I say, shoot, shoot for the stars.
What do you guys want to know? What do you
want to hear about? What dilemmas do you have so
that I can answer them in the episodisode instead of
(44:00):
waiting till the episode comes out to kind of answer
your questions. This episode, we got a lot of dilemmas,
a lot of diylemmas from listeners who are dealing with
some prickly age gap situations. This first story comes from
I'm not going to say her name, but someone whose
sister is dating someone thirty years her senior. Hi, Gemma,
(44:21):
I'm having a little bit of an issue with something
going on in my life right now. My sister, who
is two years older than me is currently dating someone
who is fifty seven. She is twenty seven, and for
whatever reason, I know I shouldn't, but I find this
situation very icky. She wants to bring him to an
(44:44):
upcoming birthday party that I'm holding, and I'm really not
comfortable with that. I know that they are serious and
that they have been together for some time now, but
I'm unsure about his intentions with her, and I feel
like I should say something, or I sh should show
in some way my disapproval for this relationship. On the
other hand, I really want to be supportive and I
(45:06):
love her and we are very close. This person has
put a real buffer between me and her, and it's
making me deeply uncomfortable. What should I do? This is
a really hard situation. Let me tell you honestly what
I would be doing, and then what I think my
higher self would want me to do, and maybe what
you should do. If my sister came to me and
(45:29):
said that she was dating someone in her fifties, I
would immediately feel really uncomfortable about it. It would just
be a knee joke reaction. I probably wouldn't be happy
about it. I probably would tell her and we would
probably have a huge fight and it would be very uncomfortable.
That's what I would do if I wasn't in my
right mind and wasn't thinking properly as a more rational perspective.
(45:50):
I think what you need to say is I think
you really need to ask yourself some questions. Is she happy?
Do I trust in her ability to handle situations like
this on her own? Do I trust her judgment about
these situations? Is she being safe financially you know? Is
she being safe in terms of life decisions? Is she
making decisions that you think she genuinely wants to make
(46:12):
or is it being guided by this man? Does she
want kids? Is that a discussion that you think that
they are having. This is just all questions to ask
yourself to make you feel more at ease with the
fact that she is a grown woman. Nothing you say
or do will probably force them to break up. If anything,
(46:33):
it's an age old It's an age old tale that
you tell someone you don't like their boyfriend, and you're
the one who's going to get cut out of their life. So,
if you are genuinely worried about her and her safety
or her wellbeing, or that she's making a mistake. Staying
close to her and being able to monitor that as
someone who is on her good side is probably better.
(46:57):
You know, it's going to be worse if you isolate
her by saying that you don't approve when maybe at
this point nothing is actually wrong. Maybe they really do
just have a great relationship and you just yet to
understand it. Maybe you will come around to it, maybe
you'll see it in a different light later on. You've
also got to remember like it's her life and she
(47:17):
has to make some of those mistakes herself. As much
as we love our siblings, and we love our friends,
and we love the people we love, we cannot control
their lives for them. Maybe this is just something that
she has to experience. Maybe it will turn out really
really well. You don't know. I would say, my higher
self would say, ignore the instinct to get angry and
(47:39):
to say something, and just observe and wait to see
if there is really a reason that you need to
step in and good luck. Our second question of the day,
how do you deal with dating someone who already has kids.
I'm not ready to be a step parent, but I
feel like I'll have to be because I love this
person so much. That is a crazy dilemma and something
(48:00):
that I've personally never encountered. I've never been a step parent,
I've never been a parent. What I really think that
you should be doing is having as many open conversations
with your partner as possible. Firstly, you need to get
clear on whether they see a really serious future with you,
because if they don't, there's no point worrying about investing
(48:24):
in their family if they have no plan to make
you part of that family. You also need to really
ask yourself, am I prepared for my life to fully
change once you are a parent, even if you are
a step parent. That is a huge responsibility. Take some
time to really think about whether you are ready for
that life chapter, because it is it will be the
(48:48):
end of some things that you can do and of
a life that you may have thought you were going
to have. Be really serious with yourself around whether which
life you want more and which life and whether you
think this new life is one that you are ready for.
It's a lot of responsibility. You need to have really
open discussions around what your role in their life is
(49:08):
going to be, is going to be, what their relationship
with their ex partner is like, what your relationship with
their ex partner will be like what your relationship with
their kids will be like, Custody arrangements, time apart, whether
your plans for the future lineup. If you want to
go travel like you're gonna have to go travel with
the kids like you, the more information the better. I
(49:30):
also think that you know if you're going to walk away,
now's the time before you have met them. Best of luck.
I think that's really really tough. I know you made
the right decision, though, and I'm sure that the fact
that you're already thinking about it means that you're going
to be an amazing step parent if that's what you
choose to do, or you're going to make the right
(49:51):
choice for you and be an amazing person without this
person as well, even if it's a hard choice. All right,
Our third question for the day help. My dad is
dating a woman who is my age technically one year
older than me, but still she's twenty six. What do
I say? I can get the discomfort here. As much
(50:13):
as I have been pro age gap relationships, of course
healthy age gap relationships, this does feel kind of uncomfortable.
I think I would give you the same advice as
I gave the first person, which is until it becomes
a problem, don't express an opinion, but definitely have strong
boundaries around when you see her, if she's invited to
(50:35):
family events, what you guys talk about. Really be really
clear that she is not your friend. She is your
father's girlfriend until the relationship has been proven to be stable,
until you can really see the direction that it's going in. Again,
you know, it's kind of hard because it's none of
(50:57):
your business, but it is also a whole lot of
your business. So I think just like, hopefully you have
siblings who you can talk to this about, be welcoming,
but she doesn't have to be your friend. You don't
really have to invest in their relationship emotionally until it's
proven that it's gone beyond a point. And just be
really clear around like, what you will and won't talk
about with this person is what your father expects from
(51:21):
you in terms of, yeah, being around this person, and
if he's expecting too much, just be like, hey, I
find this weird, and if you can't see the fact
that this is weird, you're going to have to deal
with that. But I need to protect my piece against
the weirdness of this and yeah, hopefully we can have mature,
out up discussions about it, but yeah, I can. Gosh,
wishing you guys all a lot of luck. There's a
(51:42):
lot of complicated relationships out there. This is what this
episode is really teaching me. But I know you can
handle it, and I get your discomfort. But the relationship
might not be forever, just it might not stand the
test of time. Go see a therapist about the more
complex Freudian parts of that. And my god, I just
why is my only advice good luck? I really feel
like that's all I can say. Good luck. I'm ready
(52:04):
for our final question. I actually got this quite a lot.
Which is Is it true that women are more emotionally
mature than men and develop faster, hence why they are
attracted to older partners compared to someone their own age.
So this is a myth such I don't even know
if it's a myth. This is just an idea that
has been circling around for a while. It is true
(52:28):
that girls often mature faster than boys at a younger age,
so basically, when we are teenagers, when we're children, girls
their brains will develop faster, they will gain better working memory,
greater emotional regulation, better cognitive skills earlier compared to boys.
(52:52):
There is a debate whether that is because of social
conditioning or because of just biological blueprint that's just how
women spraying works. Or is it that their learning environment
is making it so that they pick up on these
skills faster because more is expected of them compared to boys. However,
as we get older, around the age of eighteen to
(53:13):
twenty two, the gap definitely starts to become smaller. It
definitely starts to become narrower, so that men and women
have a very similar intellectual capacity, a very similar level
of emotional maturity, or their brains have a similar capacity
(53:34):
for emotional maturity, similar levels of working memory are et cetera,
et cetera. So I don't know whether this is entirely true.
One study did find that men don't reach peak mental
maturity until forty three, whilst women typically mature around thirty two.
(53:55):
But I think there needs to be more research. I
do think that what it really comes down is personal
preser diferences and to maybe the condition preferences of women
to get serious quicker, especially since there's a real stigma
around being single. The perceived pressure on women to have
children younger because of the biological clock factor. But yeah,
(54:18):
it's a very complex question. I would say right now,
it's definitely based on it's an individual thing rather than
a generalized thing that we can say women are more
mature than men. We can prove this using these scientific
and statistical models. Therefore, that's why women day older. But
it's a very very interesting question. I hope you guys
(54:39):
really enjoyed this episode. It's definitely complex, it's layered. Again,
I really welcome disagreement if you have a different perspective
on this. I really don't have all the answers, so
leave a comment below your experience in age gap relationships,
the experiences of friends of yours, something an argument, or
an element of this you didn't think we cover, just
so that we can keep the discussion going on down there.
(55:03):
I just hope this episode gave you some food for thoughts,
some insights, perhaps a gentle nudge towards rethinking any stereotypes
that you may have, because I definitely had them. But
as always, make sure that you leave a five star
review that you are following us wherever you are listening
on Apple podcasts on Spotify. It really does help new
(55:24):
people find us, and that is such a gift, such
a blessing to have new listeners wherever they are in
the world and whatever content they choose to engage with.
Just having more members of the community is always brilliant.
Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at
that Psychology podcast if you want to contribute to our
listener questions. These ones were juicy, so if you've got
(55:47):
another question on this episode or another episode that's coming up,
that's the best place to deliver it. But until next time,
stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself, and we
will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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