July 1, 2025 • 49 mins
Why do we form intense, one-sided bonds with people we've never met? From favourite podcasters and social media influencers to beloved fictional characters, parasocial relationships are a defining feature of modern life – but what do these seemingly non-reciprocal connections truly reveal about our need for connection? In today’s episode, we explore the psychology of parasocial relationships: why our brains are wired for these intimate-at-a-distance bonds, and how they play a surprisingly significant role, especially in our twenties.
We explore:
- Characteristics of parasocial relationships
- Why our ancient brains are predisposed to form these connections
- The parasocial relationships spectrum, from casual engagement to pathological obsession
- The profound positive benefits of companionship and role modelling
- When parasocial relationships become imbalanced
- How to cultivate healthy engagement with online personalities
Whether you feel like you're best friends with a YouTuber or just curious about the invisible ties that bind us to media figures, this episode is for you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties today, we
are diving into fascinating, increasingly prevalent aspect of modern life.
(00:47):
We're talking about parasocial relationships. You might be thinking, what
in the world is a para social relationship? I can
almost guarantee that you've experienced one. Have you ever felt
a very strong connection to a YouTuber or a podcaster
whose voice you hear every week? Do you follow a
(01:08):
specific celebrity on Instagram and are really invested in their relationship,
in their friendships, in what they're doing personally? Do you
find yourself genuinely happy or deeply sad based on what's
happening in a fictional character's life from a TV show
or from a book. Is there a musician you admire
(01:30):
or someone you admire who you have been following for years,
and their struggles and their triumphs feel like your own.
If you answered yes to any of those questions, congratulations,
you have been in a parasocial relationship. A parasocial relationship
is essentially a one sided bond that we form with
(01:51):
media figures, celebrities, fictional characters, even online influences. And in
our twenties, this phenomena is particularly amplified. We are often
very immersed in digital media. We are constantly consuming content.
We are also really trying to find connection. So these
seemingly safe and accessible connections that we have with fake
(02:15):
versions of people that we see online are incredibly potent
and meaningful. And it might sound a little bit abstract,
like how can you have a relationship with someone that
you've never met, But there is a lot of psychology
that proves that the feelings that we feel towards the
celebrity figure are incredibly real. The excitement, the disappointment, the sadness,
(02:37):
the grief, whatever it is that we feel towards someone
in a public eye is felt deeply in our bodies
and in our minds and in our brains. Sometimes this
can even go very very far starting to stalk a celebrity.
We see examples of people who meet a famous singer
and they touch them and they grab them because to
(02:57):
them this person is familiar, but to the singer they
are a stranger. We forget that. Think of like all
these instances recently that have been happening with celebrities like
Chapel Rone and Doja Cat. All of those examples come
from it, or derived from a parasocial connection that fans
have with the people that they support. So we are
(03:18):
going to explore what exactly is going on there, what's
happening in our brains when we form these seemingly non
reciprocal bonds. How does social media really supercharge these connections,
How online personalities make you fall in love with them
and make you connect with them from a psychological perspective,
(03:39):
and why these relationships are often a form of escapism.
I also want to talk about my own parasocial bonds.
You know, I have relationships, relationships like these, if that's
what we want to call them, and there's no shame here.
I'm going to give you some insights into my own
parasocial tendencies, the celebrities that I may worship and follow
just so that we can be at all we can
(04:00):
have a really honest discussion around why this happens. It's
so interesting, it's so fascinating, it is very much real.
So without further ado, let's get into the psychology of
parasocial relationships. We have to begin by truly understanding what
this relationship actually is, because it's not like a normal relationship,
(04:23):
is it. Obviously it's a parasocial one. So this term
parasocial relationship, it wasn't just pulled out of thin air.
It was specifically coined back in the nineteen fifties by
two pioneering sociologists, Donald Horton and Richard Woll. It's really
important to remember their names because they are the ones
(04:44):
who really founded this whole idea, and they wrote this
really influential paper. It was called Mass Communication and Parasocial
Interaction Observations on Intimacy at a Distance. And they were
writing this paper. They were doing this research at a
time when the media landscape was like rapidly changing. Television
was like a relatively new phenomenon. A lot of people
(05:07):
were only just starting to get TVs into their homes.
People were getting hooked, you know, they never viewed or
engaged with people this way, you know, through a screen.
And these researchers were meticulous, like meticulously observing how this
was influencing our social minds, kind of out of fear,
fear that it was changing who we are, who we
(05:28):
were as creatures. I feel like that fear often comes
with the introduction of any kind of new technology. And
as they were doing this research, they noticed a very
curious pattern. Viewers weren't just passively consuming content. They were,
in a sense engaging with TV personalities, news anchors, talk
(05:50):
show hosts, actors, and they were engaging with them emotionally
in a way that really mimicked real life social interactions.
Even though the audience obviously couldn't physically respond and they
weren't being acknowledged, they would still instinctively not along. They
would smile, they would laugh, They would genuinely feel like
they were having a personal interaction with the person on screen.
(06:13):
They would even start bringing up characters or news anchors
names in conversations with family and friends, just like they
were another person they knew, like, oh did you see
that doctor Phil got a new haircut? Oh did you
see that you know Nancy her boyfriend broke up with her.
They'd never met these people. All they knew about them
was from TV, a TV channel that thousands millions of
(06:35):
others were watching, and yet they couldn't help themselves. So
these researchers described this as a very intimate personal connection
that did not have two way reciprocity, a one sided relationship.
It was a relationship that existed parallel to social interaction.
You could see interaction between them and someone else taking place,
(06:57):
you could imagine interacting with them, but it wasn't actually occurring,
and that's where the term para social came from. Let's
talk about some of the core characteristics that define these
relationships and how to tell if you kind of may
or may not have one. Parasocial relationships are always one sided, always,
but they are also incredibly emotionally engrossing. So this is
(07:23):
arguably the most critical and defining characteristic. In a genuine
friendship or with a genuine person that you care about
and you love, there's mutual recognition and interaction. However, in
a parasocial relationship, the media figure has no personal knowledge
of you. Whatsoever you know about them, their life, their thoughts,
(07:44):
their preferences, they have no awareness of your existence, and
that feels very, very hard to grasp. This fundamental asymmetry
is what sets these relationships apart from traditional social bonds.
They also have a real powerful illusion of intimacy. So
despite the lack of direct interaction, often there's a lot
(08:08):
of information about this person that is accessible. Either they
have made it accessible or you know, certain news sites
or tabloid magazines have made it accessible. So, for example,
you know someone like Taylor Swift, like people constantly talk
about her dating life, and so you have this level
of information about her that you wouldn't normally have about
(08:29):
a stranger. But you also know that you don't actually
know her. It's just that this level of information blows
the lines and it feels like you know all these
intimate things and so they are known by you. It
can almost sound like you know, you're on the receiving
end of this media figure confiding in you. You know
all these things about their life, stuff that you would
(08:51):
only know about someone if you were close to them,
and yet you're not. Our brain kind of gets confused.
This emotional resi it's not superficial, like it is very real,
and it fosters loyalty and protectiveness. So this is another
part about a parasocial relationship that people rarely talk about,
is the sense of loyalty, the fact that you would
(09:12):
defend them to the ends of the earth, the fact
that you are offended if someone else criticizes them even
though you don't know them, even though they don't know you.
Because of this illusion of intimacy, and it is an illusion,
there's also a non reciprocal flow of information. So in
a real relationship, information flows back and forth. You share something,
(09:33):
they share something. You tell them a secret, they tell
you a secret. You're vulnerable together, but again you learn
a lot about them, they don't know anything about you.
And what it can sometimes lead to is people you
know dming famous celebrities, people sending them insane long emails,
giving them all this information about them almost to make
(09:55):
it feel like they know them, or meeting a celebrity
and telling them the personal, intimate thing about them. Because
our brain is like, okay, we need to bridge the gap.
It kind of understands that this is an illusion and goes, well,
the illusion will feel less severe if I start just
telling people things. The thing is is that you are
one of thousands of people who DM a celebrity like
(10:17):
Billie Eilish or a famous influencer, But you only see
your message, You only see what you're giving, and so
the level of investment you put in it's not matched,
it cannot be matched, but it feels like a lot
from your direction, whereas the other person still has no
idea who you are. These relationships are also formed through
(10:41):
repeated exposure. Consistency, as we know, is a key ingredient
in the formula for perceived closeness for building any kind
of relationship. Any relationship does not form overnight. It needs
to be cultivated through consistent, repeated interactions or, in this scenario,
repeated consumption of content. Whether it's watching a show weekly,
(11:03):
whether it's listening to a podcast daily, whether it is
following an influencer stories who post multiple times a day.
This continuous exposure fosters familiarity, you know what's going on
in their life, and a deep sense of closeness. That's
a very natural reaction. The more frequently and consistently you
engage with their content, the stronger the feeling of a
(11:26):
developed relationship becomes. That is why TikTok has done so
well for making people famous, because it runs on people
sharing as much of themselves as possible. It runs on
people being content machines, and it gives that sense of
consistency and exposure, this consistent presence. It also cultivates a
(11:47):
real strong sense of anticipation, right you're waiting for the
next thing that they're going to talk about, You're waiting
for the next hole they're going to post, You're waiting
for the next point of character development. Researchers have identified
that this anticipation also strengthens an emotional investment in this person.
You start to give them money, you start to buy
(12:09):
their merchandise, you start to attend events, you start to
subscribe for paid content, You start to give them more
of your time, and this financial commitment, this investment of
energy and time and resources, further solidifies the bond that
you believe you have. Now. Whilst this concept originated with
(12:29):
very traditional broadcast media like TV and radio, of course
the digital age it's just caused an explosion and a
radical transformation of parasocial relationships because you can now find
any kind of person who looks like you, who has
the same interests as you. You can kind of pick
and choose who you want to relate to because there's
(12:51):
so many Internet personalities available, whereas previously, like you kind
of only had the traditionally famous individuals to choose from.
Online personalities are also really unedited. They sell a highly
authentic persona because they know that this is what people
want to see. They know what scientists have been saying
(13:12):
for a very long time. Either they know it from
research or they know it through trial and error. They
know that when someone shares vulnerable information, when someone talks
about the breakup, when someone posts blooper reels, when someone
films themselves without makeup, and when they maintain a consistent
persona through series, through whatever it is, they are often
(13:33):
perceived as more relatable and trustworthy as someone who has
kind of been behind the scenes in this industry. I
have to tell you a lot of what you are
seeing is not real. Even if it looks really authentic,
that authenticity has been created, those interesting reels or those
(13:57):
interesting storylines, or those moments, those tea times, like, a
lot of it isn't real. People know that this is
a marketing, that this is a way to market themselves.
Even if you think that you are immune to it.
The way that our brain works sometimes means that you're not.
Our brains are very ancient organs, and they are meticulously
(14:20):
wired over millennia for social interaction and I guess survival
within a tribal context. For hundreds of thousands of years,
any face or voice that we encountered was almost unequivocally
indicative of a real, reciprocal social partner, someone we'd potentially
(14:42):
interact with, directly, form alliances with, or even be threatened by.
And our brains, as remarkably adaptable as they are, haven't
fully caught up to the rapid advent of mass media.
They still largely process any interaction using the same neural
machinery and mental shortcuts as they would a real world interaction.
(15:05):
And this modern day concept is really explained by something
called media equation theory, which essentially posits that humans often
interact with media as if it were real people or places.
It's why people love to go to the Friends Apartment
in New York. It's why people who play fictional characters
(15:25):
on TV shows a mass an abundant personal following. Our
human brain is fundamentally a social brain. It's perpetually on
the lookout for connections and it interprets the cues from
media figures through that ingrain lens. It sees their behaviors, reactions, emotions,
stories like our own. It compares them to what we're
(15:45):
going through. So they also feel familiar. And because of that,
we automatically see online personalities or media personalities similar to
how we see our friends and family. There's a sense
of likeness there. Critical reason for this lies in the
perceived control that parasocial relationships offer, which I think is
(16:06):
also why they are on the rise. Unlike real life friendships,
which demand consistency, they demand effort. You have to make time,
you have to make plans. Sometimes there is conflict, Sometimes
there is awkwardness, there is vulnerability. Parasocial relationships are always
available and they're always kind of easy. There's virtually no
(16:29):
risk of direct rejection because they don't actually know you.
There's no conflict, there's no social anxiety that is often
associated with, you know, traditional interpersonal interactions. You are in
complete control. You decide when to watch, when to listen,
and crucially when to simply turn it off. This aspect
can be incredibly appealing, especially for individuals who might struggle
(16:52):
with social anxiety or who might harbor a real, deep
seated fear of rejection in their real world interactions parasocial relationships.
Their power is that they can offer a low risk
avenue for experiencing social connection. It's also important to understand
that not all parasocial relationships are created equal. They operate
(17:16):
on what we call a continuum of intensity. So it's
not that they simply exist or don't exist. There's different
levels to it. In particular, there are three different levels
of parasocial relationships that we might develop. At the mildest
and most common end, you have entertainment social parasocial relationships.
(17:38):
This is where your engagement is primarily for enjoyment. You
appreciate a celebrity's work. You appreciate Beyonce's albums. You might
casually follow their life updates. You might, you know, chat
about them with your friends. It's like it's fun. It's
relatively low stakes. It doesn't involve a deep emotional investment.
(17:58):
It's not taking away from your daily life. It's just
really like enjoyment and passive entertainment. Moving along the spectrum,
we encounter intense personal parasocial relationships. Here there is a
considerably stronger emotional investment. You feel like they can influence
your decisions, influence your purchasing decisions, influence what you're wearing.
(18:21):
You experience strong empathy, deep loyalty. You might even perceive
them as a friend or a kindred spirit. Whilst you
typically still retain the cognitive awareness that it's not real life,
it's not a two way relationship, there is this real
emotional depth. You do sometimes think like, huh, I could
(18:42):
probably be friends with that person. Like if I had
the chance to meet whoever, it was like we would
get along. There's a strong sense of pride in their
achievements as well a genuine sadness in their setbacks. So
for individuals with entertainment, social, and even intense personal parasocial relationships,
benefits might actually be quite significant. A very groundbreaking twenty
(19:04):
twenty four study that was published in Nature actually discovered
that parasocial bonds actually alleviate feelings of loneliness and they
also help with emotional regulation. So you're sad, you're angry,
you're heartbroken, you listen to your favorite artists. You feel comforted.
(19:26):
You listen to your favorite podcast. You feel better about
a situation, not just because of the information they're providing,
but because of the fact that it feels comforting, it
feels like a friend. Another study that was done in
twenty eighteen for the Journal of Broadcasting and Electronic Media
found that parasocial relationships can also buffer the negative effects
(19:48):
of social isolation, particularly when we are really limited in
terms of social contact. So, if you think about it,
during COVID, this was incredibly powerful. Why do you think
TikTok so many people got famous on TikTok during COVID
because people were looking for ways to interact with others
that mimiced real life contexts, that mimiced real life joy
(20:15):
and friendship, and it provided a sense of healthy distraction
from stress. I think really valuably parasocial relationships. They also
serve as a really powerful source of social learning and
role modeling in a modern media landscape. People like I
don't know, I'm trying to come up with names like
(20:35):
people like alex El, people like Taylor Swift. Think about
your favorite influencer, your favorite artist. They provide a template
for how you want your life to be in a way.
They help you define your values, your ethical stances. They
help you envision potential career aspirations, They help you make
fashion choices, they help you make you know, career and
(20:59):
education choices, relationship choices. They kind of provide like a
subtle social script for growing up and for interacting with
the real world. A lot of people who are lifelong
fans of certain musicians or certain actresses or certain people
will tell you like they first discovered them when they
(21:19):
were quite young. This person has followed them through their
life chapters. You know, I know I'm talking about Taylor
Swift a lot, but she's probably the person I have
the deepest parasocial relationship to because you know, when I
was six, that's like the first album that my dad
bought me. And when I was fourteen, you know, I
went to New York and I went to all of
(21:39):
her favorite spots that she talked about in she talked
about in like a Vogue interview, and it was almost like, oh,
she is this guidance for me, and like her albums
would bookmark certain life experiences I was having that she
went through before my friends went through, and so you
really see that. It's like they're a companion for life.
(22:01):
They feel like someone you can trust because they'll never
hurt you, and they because they are wealthy and famous
and often beautiful. There's this lifestyle they have that you think, Wow,
if my life was more like that, it would be
much better. That's a core part of how they really
make money. It's not just that they seem like a friend.
(22:24):
It's that there's a part of them that's unattainable. And
there's a weird kind of economics to the fact that
because they're unattainable, they can sell you things with the
idea that if you have that thing, you'll be more
like them. If you drink their branded drink, you'll be
more like them. If you wear the clothes that they
wear and that they sell, you'll be more like them.
(22:45):
If you listen to their music, if you adopt their lifestyle,
if you buy the same peedison, whatever it is, you
could be like them. And wouldn't your life be so
much happier. Wouldn't you just be a better version of you?
So their comparison targets sometimes as well. They present this
idea of who we might want to be, who we
can aspire towards. Whether that's a good or a bad thing,
(23:08):
it's up to you. For some people, you know, that
kind of upward social comparison is quite motivating for other people.
It can make them feel really terrible, and it can
lead into a more sour kind of connection. The relationship
becomes all consuming, it becomes intense. This is what I
want to explore after this shortbreak. What happens when a
(23:30):
parasocial relationship turns unhealthy? Stay with us. So we're talking
about parasocial relationships, the good, the great, the bad, the ugly.
What makes these kind of studio relationships almost dangerous? So
at the extreme and rarest end of that parasocial scale
(23:52):
we were talking about before, you find borderline pathological parasocial relationships.
My god, say seven times borderline pathological palatopis. Yeah. See,
I can't even say once. These are the least common
and potentially the most concerning to navigate. So in these cases,
the individual can begin to lose control over their thoughts
(24:15):
and their feelings concerning the media figure. Sometimes the lines
of reality are incredibly blurred. They might develop delusions of
actual reciprocity. They might believe that the media figure truly
knows them or will one day respond to their affections.
You hear stories of people believing that Drew Barrymore is
(24:37):
sending them messages through their TV to come in whisk
her away, or of people breaking into celebrities houses because
they think that they have been invited. What factors cause
someone to create this more intense form of parasocial activity. Well,
it's definitely linked to certain mental health sorders, particularly psychosis
(24:59):
and schizophrenia, But individuals experiencing chronic loneliness, heightened social anxiety, introversion,
lower self esteem, or who have a stronger psychological desire
for escape may be a lot more prone to forming
these intense relationships. For example, there is this model known
as the absorption addiction model that helps explain why people
(25:23):
often engage in extreme celebrity worship. And essentially what it
says is that they do that to compensate for some
other kind of deficiency in their life. Something is lacking
in their life. They have a difficulty forming intimate relationships,
they lack identity, they lack career stability, they're having difficulty
adjusting to life's like psychological demands, and having this fictional
(25:48):
relationship with someone feels that whole for them. It feels
that sense of yearning and longing. So, according to this model,
initially the intense focus on this celebrity gives someone real
sense of satisfaction. This motivates them to become even more
intensely attached. This is the absorption stage of the model.
(26:10):
The absorb parts of this person into their own identity.
This fulfillment then becomes addictive. The more they engage with content,
the more they feel a sense of belonging, the more
they feel welcomed into a community, the more that they
feel like someone is really speaking to them, the more
(26:31):
likely it is for them to engage in thrill seeking
behavior stalking, trying to gain some sense of mental, physical,
emotional closeness to the individual. These relationships act as a
secure base for that individual, especially if real life attachments
are inconsistent. But that actually what actually ends up happening
(26:54):
is if it becomes completely demented, it becomes completely overwhelming,
and because they've spent so much time in the world
and the mind of this person they admire, they can't
distinguish what is normal behavior and a normal approach to
this individual. The biggest risk beyond obviously danger to both parties,
(27:16):
that comes from these intense kind of parasocial relationships is
that they can become a replacement for real reciprocal bonds.
If parasocial relationships fill the void left by a lack
of genuine friendship or family bonds, it can actually lead
to greater isolation in the long run. There's an over reliance,
(27:37):
particularly because there's an ease. It's easier to be and
to relate to someone who you're never going to meet
versus having to maintain face to face connections. But what
happens when the person at the center of these parasocial
relationships doesn't live up to our expectations? What happens when
(27:59):
they do something wrong, when they express political views that
are different to yours, when they do something scandalous. You know,
Charlie XCX like did a bunch of work for H
and M, and a lot of people were like, that's
not who I thought. You know, Bratt girl Summer was
or whatever it is. You know, these people are real
humans with their own motivations and teams of people telling
(28:20):
them what's best, and they deal with every other every
motion that you've experienced they are experiencing. But obviously, like
under the limelight, they're not always going to do everything right.
But if we have an intense psychological and parasocial connection
to them, it can feel like they've done something wrong
to us. There's severe grief, there's anger, there's a sense
(28:42):
of disappointment, there's a sense of like having to unfriend them,
almost not engage with them anymore, like you would with
a friend who also hurt you. This is where this
idea of ownership over public figures and influencers comes in.
It's this overly inflated sense of in titlement or an
expectation of, you know, relatability and reliability that no one
(29:06):
can promise you. You know, this person does not know
who you are, Like I feel like I've said that
so many times. But they would have millions, Some of
these people have millions, billions of people who really adore
them and who like them, and they can't make every
single person happy. It's just absolutely impossible for them to
(29:27):
keep everyone happy and also continue to build a fan
base because obviously what's required for building a fan base authenticity.
Authenticity leaves a lot of room for disagreement. And it's
so interesting that people you know, someone will do something wrong.
And yes, there are definitely things like when people do
wrong that you're like, oh, that's really terrible, But people
(29:49):
will just do something wrong that they didn't even realize,
or they'll use a brand that you know, they didn't
know was bad or whatever it is, and people will
go at them in the comments, and it's like, I
can't believe that I ever followed you. You don't deserve
any more of my attention. You're a terrible, disgusting person.
I feel betrayed. Think about what it would be like
(30:10):
to be on the other end of being like you
feel betrayed, Like I don't even know who you are,
and you're having such a strong, viscual emotional reaction to me,
and obviously this person's going to take it on, but
how did Like, can you see how odd that is
to be like the subject of so much anger and
upset that you obviously don't want to cause, but then
(30:33):
you also don't particularly feel responsible for, but also don't
really know how to handle. Because it's not like this
is a friend who you actually owe things to. It's
someone who feels like you owe them something even though
you don't even know their name. So you can see
how this gets really complicated, right. People are obviously entitled
to their opinions, and people are entitled to expect certain
(30:55):
things of celebrities and people who have made a name
from being public. But it's not a normal relationship. It's
not a normal way to interact with people. It's completely abnormal,
and I think it's a real contributor these parasocial relationships.
We've been speaking primarily about positive ones, as in it's
bringing a sense of worthwhile and bringing a sense of
(31:17):
fulfillment to your life, but there's also negative parasocial relationships
that can lead to online abuse and hate comments and
trolls where people get a kick out of really hurting
someone and bringing them down, and they get a kick
out of seeing their words and their actions hurt someone
they've never met. Like I used to have a trol
like that, who had I don't even know who this
(31:40):
person is, but they were so awful to me. And
every time I would block an account, a new account
would pop up or yeah I knew, I couldn't tell
if it was the same person, although I was pretty
sure would pop up and start all over again. And
I always had this fear. I was like, is this
someone I know? Is this someone whose feelings I've act
hurt in the past, Because how could anyone be this
(32:03):
invested in harming me if they didn't actually know me,
And it turns out it's really not all that uncommon
these days. The rate of celebrity stalking, the rate of
celebrity worship, the rate of thrill seeking behavior towards celebrities,
the rate of online harassment is going up or comes
(32:24):
down to this strange relationship that we feel like we
have this strange sense of ownership over people online. I
think it's really important with that in mind, to be
really mindful with how you engage with individuals who you
believe you are forming a parasocial relationship with, to be
(32:44):
really self aware around the fact that this is not real.
A relationship is a two way straight. This is a
one way street. As much as you might really care
about them and much as you are very invested in
their life, the moment that you start to feel like
they owe you something, the moment that you start to
(33:05):
feel like your emotions are tied to what they're doing,
the moment that you start to find that you are
going to their page, going to their Instagram, going to
their website, whatever, It is so repeatedly that they are
a major thought pattern for you and take up a
lot of mental space. You do need to kind of
pull it back. Monitor whether this over reliance on this
(33:29):
fictional person or this online persona or this celebrity is
maybe making up for a deficiency in another area of
your life. It's really important to understand that if you're
leaning to like too far into this person's persona or
to the world they've created, can you identify if there
is perhaps another need that is not being met, for example,
(33:54):
a sense of companionship. If that's what you're struggling with.
I have a whole episod so on making friends in
your twenties, but you really need to start seeking out
real world interaction. Go to the same places, the same clubs,
the same gym classes, the same cafes as part of
your routine at the same times. Meet people that way.
(34:15):
Go and do friendship nights or meetups or dinner with
strangers in your local area. Ask to be introduced to
mutual friends. Put more effort in with work colleagues. Note
and notice that an overreliance on what's happening in someone's
online life might be because of a lack of something
happening in your offline life. And really understand that although
(34:38):
a parasocial relationship might be might feel perfect, you're missing
out on a really core ingredient when it comes to
nourishing relationships, which is the messiness and the vulnerabilities. That's
what makes love and platonic intimacy and connection so real
and necessary for longevity is that it challenges us and
(34:59):
it allows us to grow, and it allows us to
feel trust and vulnerability and to feel growth and attachment
to someone. There is no replacement for this, There is
no replacement for that at all, nothing in this world
that someone, an online media persona could ever fill. So
just make deliberate, concentrated efforts to mindfully engage, to have
(35:24):
a few digital detoxes every now and again, Regularly schedule
and commit to breaks from social media or a particular
kind of content that's really going to help reduce that
constant exposure, and really critically evaluate the content you're consuming,
especially when it comes to influencers promoting certain products or lifestyles.
Let me tell you this once more, A lot of
(35:44):
that is curated to sell you something. A lot of
what you see from very famous influences is a lot
of trial and error from their part until they've found
something that clicks and that works, and then replicating that
over and over again in a way that might feel
authentic for you, but it is perhaps not. There's a
(36:06):
lot of filters going on, there's a lot of body
modification through online editing that goes on. There is so
much that you don't see. And I know you might
not need that reminder because you're a smart, intelligent person,
but even if you think you're immune to it, you
are not. I am not. And I'm friends with people
(36:26):
like this and not people who are in authentic. But
I'm friends with people who work in media who we
talk about this all the time. And even then I'll
see someone's life online and be like, Oh, my life
would just be better if it looked like that. That's parasocial.
It's unhealthy comparison. It's unhealthy obsession with a life that
is being displayed that is not real. So we really
(36:49):
need to find our reality point when you really need
to find a way of assessing this truthfully. I also
saw this really amazing video the other day around the
difference between consuming and applying. If you find that you
are constantly like consuming content because you want inspiration and
because you want to feel like you, sometimes consuming content
(37:11):
feels like you're doing something, it's not the same as
actually doing the thing. Consuming massive amounts of running content,
consuming mass amounts of lifestyle content of business content is
not the same as putting those things into action. So
this might be unrelated to parasocial relationships. Perhaps this is
more around just genuine literacy and social media literacy. Make
(37:33):
sure you are not confusing consuming and consumption and viewing
as acting and doing and cultivating a life that you want.
The hours that you spend online and engaged in these
online fictional worlds is time wasted most of the time,
(37:54):
you know, it really is. Like social media is for
dopamine and dopamine only. And so if you're finding that
that's all you want to all you feel drawn to,
how can you turn consumption into creation and into cultivating
a good life beyond the screen. Okay, we're going to
take a short break, but when we return, I want
to answer some of your questions, dilemmas, conundrums around parasocial relationships.
(38:19):
There were some incredible questions for this episode, so stay
with us. Let's get into our listener questions for this episode.
Just as a reminder, make sure that you are following
us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram if you want
to be able to participate in future episodes when we
(38:42):
put the call out for any questions you may have.
This first question is why are we so obsessed with
celebrity gossip? It feels so unhealthy that we are so
invested in the lives of people we will never know
and tear them down as if we do. Okay, So
this is deeply psychological. Actually, from a psychological perspective, our
(39:06):
obsession with celebrity gossip really comes down to our i
would say, deep rooted evolutionary instinct around social hierarchy and status.
We are inherently wired to monitor where we sit in
the social hierarchy as tribal creatures, and particularly as well
to monitor those at the top of the social ladder
(39:27):
because historically that kind of helped us figure out our
own position within a group. Celebrities are kind of like
the modern day royalty, right, and so because of that,
sometimes we are hoping that they will fail. In Australia
we have this term, it's called tall poppy syndrome, whereby
(39:48):
the tallest flower is the first one to get cut down.
You know, the person to succeed is the first one
to be for people to wish for their failure, and
I think that happens with celebrities a lot, because if
they fail, perhaps we think that there will be room
for us, or perhaps we think that that proves that
no one is perfect and so we shouldn't feel bad
about ourselves either, especially considering that these individuals are often
(40:11):
elevated as being visions of perfection and being completely flawless.
Gossip as well really plays into this as well. Gossip
is a form of information sharing. It's a form of monitoring,
I guess, like moral and social rules. I also think
(40:32):
that it's a form of escapism, so our lives feel
less bad if we're able to compare them to the
life of a celebrity who's having, you know, a really
terrible time. It makes us feel like, ah, here is
someone else who's struggling as well, who's experiencing a breakup,
who's experiencing scandal or failure, and it humanizes them, and
(40:56):
it reminds us that wealth or beauty doesn't shield any
from life's challenges, which is kind of nice. It kind
of provides a sense of catharsis and a sense of relief. Also,
there's a sense of entertainment as well. People love to
be involved in things that are novel, a new, and scandalous,
and celebrity gossip is a great way to do that
(41:17):
because they don't feel real, So the consequences of saying
all the terrible things that you think and feel won't
be as significant as if you said them about someone else.
So this next question I kind of debated whether to
include it or not, but I thought it was interesting
if you will allow me to be I don't know,
self indulgent. I don't know it feels, friends, but I'll
tell you the question. The question was how does it
(41:39):
feel for the receiver being you? So how do I
deal with parasocial tendencies from listeners or from fans. I
will say that the majority of people who come up
to me or who I interact with who love the
podcast are super respectful, super cool. I always I always
(42:00):
to people like I have the coolest listeners. Anytime I
meet any of you, I'm genuinely like so impressed, like
just really cool, inspiring, smart individuals. You guys always have
such interesting things to say, and I really like talking
to you. I think it becomes a struggle online. So
something that I really encounter. Obviously, given the nature of
(42:21):
what we talk about on the podcast, it's quite deep
and vulnerable and emotional, and often people find those deep
emotional episodes during really hard times for them. So I
can occasionally receive messages that I don't think necessarily understand
that I am a stranger and that when I'm checking
my messages and I open a message without context that
(42:43):
tells me about something really terrible and traumatic that happens
in your life, like it does impact me. And sometimes
I find that strange because I've never met you, I
don't know you. I'm sure I would really like you
if I did. But because there are, you know, at
this stage so many people in the community, I can't
have those one on one relationships. So receiving those messages
(43:03):
used to really stress me out. And I used to
feel like I owed people a response because it would
be really delicate stuff, and I didn't want to ignore them.
But I think I realized that it would that it
is more ethical to not respond versus to respond. It's
more ethical for me to ignore the message because I
(43:25):
think responding to messages gives an indicator of trust, and
it kind of sends a signal that someone can continue
to do that and that I will be there for them,
And the thing is is that I just can't be.
You know, I have my own relationships, I have my
own friends, I do you know, I can provide solace
(43:46):
and love and advice for them, But to do it
for thousands of people would just be like really really irresponsible.
So yeah, I think that's sometimes strange. I think also
it's strange when I feel like I'm not particularly like
I don't see myself as a public figure, Like I've
been very deliberate around not becoming like an influencer personality,
(44:10):
not because I think there's anything bad about it, just
because I know how I handle public scrutiny and I
don't handle it well and I just don't think I
would enjoy it. So yeah, I feel like there were
opportunities for me to be more like an online personality
and I didn't take them. And sometimes I wonder if
I'm going to regret that, because you know, there's more
money there, and there's more more listeners there, and there's
(44:34):
more appreciation there, and you know, there's more attention there,
and I'm like, oh, did I give up on an
opportunity to be that kind of, you know, to be
a TikTok star or whatever. But no, I think I
made the right decision. Not that I could have even
really have done it, but yeah, there were definitely opportunities
would be like, oh, do this ad series or do
this collaboration or do this just general series, and I've
(44:57):
been like, I don't really want to do that, so
I think I kind of avoid a large part of it.
But even with my like deliberate attempt to not be
part of that kind of ecosystem, Yeah, people do stuff
till sometimes overstep boundaries, and I do find it strange,
especially when they make comments around like my boyfriend, who
(45:21):
I don't really share much about. I'm like, oh you
Like I had someone comment like on our relationship recently,
and I was like, you don't know anything about me
and anything about my boyfriend, and we have such an
incredibly healthy relationship and it was so interesting to see
this person coming in blind and really thinking that they
were saying something impactful and genuinely sound like they sounded
(45:44):
like concern for me, And I was like, oh, so
this is what it's like when we judge other people's relationships,
like this is this knows nothing but from their perspective,
they really think that they do. And yeah, it was
kind of a it was interesting, but yeah, I don't
think I really struggle with it, probably because of the
fact that I'm not famous. The only way I think
I struggle is when I feel like responsible to people
(46:07):
to respond to really delicate messages. But I've got a
healthy relationship with that now, all right, our third question
for the day. Can parasocial relationships be healthy? I think yes.
I think there are a lot of situations where actually
they can be a source of inspiration. They can be
a source of motivation, They can be a source of comfort,
(46:27):
even especially when we are fans of someone who's going
through similar struggles as us, similar struggles with their identity
or with their body image, or with their relationship, or
with finding themselves, or with their gender or their sexuality.
It's really comforting to see that you're not alone. I think,
especially if you are in an environment where you don't
(46:49):
have role models like that, having a celebrity figure who
is accessible and available does provide you with the script
for how to live a life differently to how everyone
around you is telling you to live. I think they
really crossed over when you don't have that important reality distinction,
or you don't have that part of you that's like, yes,
but this person doesn't know who I am, or like, yes,
(47:11):
but we don't actually have a relationship. So as long
as you remain a fan rather than thinking you have
a friendship, I think that's then you're pretty safe. This
final question, I just thought it was really cool and
I thought it was interesting, and I wanted to continue
a discussion in the comments. Who was the best celebrity
to worship? If you have made it this far, put
a comment down the below, Who was the best celebrity
(47:33):
to worship? Who do you think is deserving of all
the parasocial relationships that come their way. My answer is
Dolly Parton. I think that Dolly Parton is the best
celebrity in the world. She had this this podcast that
was done on her a couple of years ago called
Dolly Parton's America. It's like a six part series. It's
so wonderful and it traces the history of America through
(47:57):
the story of Dolly Parton. It's crazy. You just got
to listen to to understand what I'm talking about, And
it just made me learn so much more about her,
and I was like, Wow, you are just such a
cool lady, and you do so much for the community,
and you have this beautiful relationship with her husband who's
recently passed. That's parasocial of me that I know that that.
I was, Yeah, anyways, I just really admired her. So
(48:19):
I think Dolly Partners is up there. I think she's
really really cool. She's the first one that comes to mind.
If you have another example, leave it in the comments below.
But I hope that this episode was interesting to you.
I hope it taught you something. I hope that it
helped you understand how to navigate these relationships in a
very mediate saturated world. Just remember, our brains are completely
(48:42):
simply wired for connection, and these one sided bonds are
just a sign of that inherent wiring. They're not bad,
In fact, they can be very valuable. But the ultimate
goal is just to be mindful and conscious around how
these figures are copleamenting your life rather than taking from it.
(49:02):
I think by doing so you can really harness the benefits.
So thank you for listening this far. Make sure you're
following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast that you're
following along you're subscribed, wherever you are listening right now,
leave a comment below based on that question I just asked,
And until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle
to yourself. We will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties today, we
are diving into fascinating, increasingly prevalent aspect of modern life.
(00:47):
We're talking about parasocial relationships. You might be thinking, what
in the world is a para social relationship? I can
almost guarantee that you've experienced one. Have you ever felt
a very strong connection to a YouTuber or a podcaster
whose voice you hear every week? Do you follow a
(01:08):
specific celebrity on Instagram and are really invested in their relationship,
in their friendships, in what they're doing personally? Do you
find yourself genuinely happy or deeply sad based on what's
happening in a fictional character's life from a TV show
or from a book. Is there a musician you admire
(01:30):
or someone you admire who you have been following for years,
and their struggles and their triumphs feel like your own.
If you answered yes to any of those questions, congratulations,
you have been in a parasocial relationship. A parasocial relationship
is essentially a one sided bond that we form with
(01:51):
media figures, celebrities, fictional characters, even online influences. And in
our twenties, this phenomena is particularly amplified. We are often
very immersed in digital media. We are constantly consuming content.
We are also really trying to find connection. So these
seemingly safe and accessible connections that we have with fake
(02:15):
versions of people that we see online are incredibly potent
and meaningful. And it might sound a little bit abstract,
like how can you have a relationship with someone that
you've never met, But there is a lot of psychology
that proves that the feelings that we feel towards the
celebrity figure are incredibly real. The excitement, the disappointment, the sadness,
(02:37):
the grief, whatever it is that we feel towards someone
in a public eye is felt deeply in our bodies
and in our minds and in our brains. Sometimes this
can even go very very far starting to stalk a celebrity.
We see examples of people who meet a famous singer
and they touch them and they grab them because to
(02:57):
them this person is familiar, but to the singer they
are a stranger. We forget that. Think of like all
these instances recently that have been happening with celebrities like
Chapel Rone and Doja Cat. All of those examples come
from it, or derived from a parasocial connection that fans
have with the people that they support. So we are
(03:18):
going to explore what exactly is going on there, what's
happening in our brains when we form these seemingly non
reciprocal bonds. How does social media really supercharge these connections,
How online personalities make you fall in love with them
and make you connect with them from a psychological perspective,
(03:39):
and why these relationships are often a form of escapism.
I also want to talk about my own parasocial bonds.
You know, I have relationships, relationships like these, if that's
what we want to call them, and there's no shame here.
I'm going to give you some insights into my own
parasocial tendencies, the celebrities that I may worship and follow
just so that we can be at all we can
(04:00):
have a really honest discussion around why this happens. It's
so interesting, it's so fascinating, it is very much real.
So without further ado, let's get into the psychology of
parasocial relationships. We have to begin by truly understanding what
this relationship actually is, because it's not like a normal relationship,
(04:23):
is it. Obviously it's a parasocial one. So this term
parasocial relationship, it wasn't just pulled out of thin air.
It was specifically coined back in the nineteen fifties by
two pioneering sociologists, Donald Horton and Richard Woll. It's really
important to remember their names because they are the ones
(04:44):
who really founded this whole idea, and they wrote this
really influential paper. It was called Mass Communication and Parasocial
Interaction Observations on Intimacy at a Distance. And they were
writing this paper. They were doing this research at a
time when the media landscape was like rapidly changing. Television
was like a relatively new phenomenon. A lot of people
(05:07):
were only just starting to get TVs into their homes.
People were getting hooked, you know, they never viewed or
engaged with people this way, you know, through a screen.
And these researchers were meticulous, like meticulously observing how this
was influencing our social minds, kind of out of fear,
fear that it was changing who we are, who we
(05:28):
were as creatures. I feel like that fear often comes
with the introduction of any kind of new technology. And
as they were doing this research, they noticed a very
curious pattern. Viewers weren't just passively consuming content. They were,
in a sense engaging with TV personalities, news anchors, talk
(05:50):
show hosts, actors, and they were engaging with them emotionally
in a way that really mimicked real life social interactions.
Even though the audience obviously couldn't physically respond and they
weren't being acknowledged, they would still instinctively not along. They
would smile, they would laugh, They would genuinely feel like
they were having a personal interaction with the person on screen.
(06:13):
They would even start bringing up characters or news anchors
names in conversations with family and friends, just like they
were another person they knew, like, oh did you see
that doctor Phil got a new haircut? Oh did you
see that you know Nancy her boyfriend broke up with her.
They'd never met these people. All they knew about them
was from TV, a TV channel that thousands millions of
(06:35):
others were watching, and yet they couldn't help themselves. So
these researchers described this as a very intimate personal connection
that did not have two way reciprocity, a one sided relationship.
It was a relationship that existed parallel to social interaction.
You could see interaction between them and someone else taking place,
(06:57):
you could imagine interacting with them, but it wasn't actually occurring,
and that's where the term para social came from. Let's
talk about some of the core characteristics that define these
relationships and how to tell if you kind of may
or may not have one. Parasocial relationships are always one sided, always,
but they are also incredibly emotionally engrossing. So this is
(07:23):
arguably the most critical and defining characteristic. In a genuine
friendship or with a genuine person that you care about
and you love, there's mutual recognition and interaction. However, in
a parasocial relationship, the media figure has no personal knowledge
of you. Whatsoever you know about them, their life, their thoughts,
(07:44):
their preferences, they have no awareness of your existence, and
that feels very, very hard to grasp. This fundamental asymmetry
is what sets these relationships apart from traditional social bonds.
They also have a real powerful illusion of intimacy. So
despite the lack of direct interaction, often there's a lot
(08:08):
of information about this person that is accessible. Either they
have made it accessible or you know, certain news sites
or tabloid magazines have made it accessible. So, for example,
you know someone like Taylor Swift, like people constantly talk
about her dating life, and so you have this level
of information about her that you wouldn't normally have about
(08:29):
a stranger. But you also know that you don't actually
know her. It's just that this level of information blows
the lines and it feels like you know all these
intimate things and so they are known by you. It
can almost sound like you know, you're on the receiving
end of this media figure confiding in you. You know
all these things about their life, stuff that you would
(08:51):
only know about someone if you were close to them,
and yet you're not. Our brain kind of gets confused.
This emotional resi it's not superficial, like it is very real,
and it fosters loyalty and protectiveness. So this is another
part about a parasocial relationship that people rarely talk about,
is the sense of loyalty, the fact that you would
(09:12):
defend them to the ends of the earth, the fact
that you are offended if someone else criticizes them even
though you don't know them, even though they don't know you.
Because of this illusion of intimacy, and it is an illusion,
there's also a non reciprocal flow of information. So in
a real relationship, information flows back and forth. You share something,
(09:33):
they share something. You tell them a secret, they tell
you a secret. You're vulnerable together, but again you learn
a lot about them, they don't know anything about you.
And what it can sometimes lead to is people you
know dming famous celebrities, people sending them insane long emails,
giving them all this information about them almost to make
(09:55):
it feel like they know them, or meeting a celebrity
and telling them the personal, intimate thing about them. Because
our brain is like, okay, we need to bridge the gap.
It kind of understands that this is an illusion and goes, well,
the illusion will feel less severe if I start just
telling people things. The thing is is that you are
one of thousands of people who DM a celebrity like
(10:17):
Billie Eilish or a famous influencer, But you only see
your message, You only see what you're giving, and so
the level of investment you put in it's not matched,
it cannot be matched, but it feels like a lot
from your direction, whereas the other person still has no
idea who you are. These relationships are also formed through
(10:41):
repeated exposure. Consistency, as we know, is a key ingredient
in the formula for perceived closeness for building any kind
of relationship. Any relationship does not form overnight. It needs
to be cultivated through consistent, repeated interactions or, in this scenario,
repeated consumption of content. Whether it's watching a show weekly,
(11:03):
whether it's listening to a podcast daily, whether it is
following an influencer stories who post multiple times a day.
This continuous exposure fosters familiarity, you know what's going on
in their life, and a deep sense of closeness. That's
a very natural reaction. The more frequently and consistently you
engage with their content, the stronger the feeling of a
(11:26):
developed relationship becomes. That is why TikTok has done so
well for making people famous, because it runs on people
sharing as much of themselves as possible. It runs on
people being content machines, and it gives that sense of
consistency and exposure, this consistent presence. It also cultivates a
(11:47):
real strong sense of anticipation, right you're waiting for the
next thing that they're going to talk about, You're waiting
for the next hole they're going to post, You're waiting
for the next point of character development. Researchers have identified
that this anticipation also strengthens an emotional investment in this person.
You start to give them money, you start to buy
(12:09):
their merchandise, you start to attend events, you start to
subscribe for paid content, You start to give them more
of your time, and this financial commitment, this investment of
energy and time and resources, further solidifies the bond that
you believe you have. Now. Whilst this concept originated with
(12:29):
very traditional broadcast media like TV and radio, of course
the digital age it's just caused an explosion and a
radical transformation of parasocial relationships because you can now find
any kind of person who looks like you, who has
the same interests as you. You can kind of pick
and choose who you want to relate to because there's
(12:51):
so many Internet personalities available, whereas previously, like you kind
of only had the traditionally famous individuals to choose from.
Online personalities are also really unedited. They sell a highly
authentic persona because they know that this is what people
want to see. They know what scientists have been saying
(13:12):
for a very long time. Either they know it from
research or they know it through trial and error. They
know that when someone shares vulnerable information, when someone talks
about the breakup, when someone posts blooper reels, when someone
films themselves without makeup, and when they maintain a consistent
persona through series, through whatever it is, they are often
(13:33):
perceived as more relatable and trustworthy as someone who has
kind of been behind the scenes in this industry. I
have to tell you a lot of what you are
seeing is not real. Even if it looks really authentic,
that authenticity has been created, those interesting reels or those
(13:57):
interesting storylines, or those moments, those tea times, like, a
lot of it isn't real. People know that this is
a marketing, that this is a way to market themselves.
Even if you think that you are immune to it.
The way that our brain works sometimes means that you're not.
Our brains are very ancient organs, and they are meticulously
(14:20):
wired over millennia for social interaction and I guess survival
within a tribal context. For hundreds of thousands of years,
any face or voice that we encountered was almost unequivocally
indicative of a real, reciprocal social partner, someone we'd potentially
(14:42):
interact with, directly, form alliances with, or even be threatened by.
And our brains, as remarkably adaptable as they are, haven't
fully caught up to the rapid advent of mass media.
They still largely process any interaction using the same neural
machinery and mental shortcuts as they would a real world interaction.
(15:05):
And this modern day concept is really explained by something
called media equation theory, which essentially posits that humans often
interact with media as if it were real people or places.
It's why people love to go to the Friends Apartment
in New York. It's why people who play fictional characters
(15:25):
on TV shows a mass an abundant personal following. Our
human brain is fundamentally a social brain. It's perpetually on
the lookout for connections and it interprets the cues from
media figures through that ingrain lens. It sees their behaviors, reactions, emotions,
stories like our own. It compares them to what we're
(15:45):
going through. So they also feel familiar. And because of that,
we automatically see online personalities or media personalities similar to
how we see our friends and family. There's a sense
of likeness there. Critical reason for this lies in the
perceived control that parasocial relationships offer, which I think is
(16:06):
also why they are on the rise. Unlike real life friendships,
which demand consistency, they demand effort. You have to make time,
you have to make plans. Sometimes there is conflict, Sometimes
there is awkwardness, there is vulnerability. Parasocial relationships are always
available and they're always kind of easy. There's virtually no
(16:29):
risk of direct rejection because they don't actually know you.
There's no conflict, there's no social anxiety that is often
associated with, you know, traditional interpersonal interactions. You are in
complete control. You decide when to watch, when to listen,
and crucially when to simply turn it off. This aspect
can be incredibly appealing, especially for individuals who might struggle
(16:52):
with social anxiety or who might harbor a real, deep
seated fear of rejection in their real world interactions parasocial relationships.
Their power is that they can offer a low risk
avenue for experiencing social connection. It's also important to understand
that not all parasocial relationships are created equal. They operate
(17:16):
on what we call a continuum of intensity. So it's
not that they simply exist or don't exist. There's different
levels to it. In particular, there are three different levels
of parasocial relationships that we might develop. At the mildest
and most common end, you have entertainment social parasocial relationships.
(17:38):
This is where your engagement is primarily for enjoyment. You
appreciate a celebrity's work. You appreciate Beyonce's albums. You might
casually follow their life updates. You might, you know, chat
about them with your friends. It's like it's fun. It's
relatively low stakes. It doesn't involve a deep emotional investment.
(17:58):
It's not taking away from your daily life. It's just
really like enjoyment and passive entertainment. Moving along the spectrum,
we encounter intense personal parasocial relationships. Here there is a
considerably stronger emotional investment. You feel like they can influence
your decisions, influence your purchasing decisions, influence what you're wearing.
(18:21):
You experience strong empathy, deep loyalty. You might even perceive
them as a friend or a kindred spirit. Whilst you
typically still retain the cognitive awareness that it's not real life,
it's not a two way relationship, there is this real
emotional depth. You do sometimes think like, huh, I could
(18:42):
probably be friends with that person. Like if I had
the chance to meet whoever, it was like we would
get along. There's a strong sense of pride in their
achievements as well a genuine sadness in their setbacks. So
for individuals with entertainment, social, and even intense personal parasocial relationships,
benefits might actually be quite significant. A very groundbreaking twenty
(19:04):
twenty four study that was published in Nature actually discovered
that parasocial bonds actually alleviate feelings of loneliness and they
also help with emotional regulation. So you're sad, you're angry,
you're heartbroken, you listen to your favorite artists. You feel comforted.
(19:26):
You listen to your favorite podcast. You feel better about
a situation, not just because of the information they're providing,
but because of the fact that it feels comforting, it
feels like a friend. Another study that was done in
twenty eighteen for the Journal of Broadcasting and Electronic Media
found that parasocial relationships can also buffer the negative effects
(19:48):
of social isolation, particularly when we are really limited in
terms of social contact. So, if you think about it,
during COVID, this was incredibly powerful. Why do you think
TikTok so many people got famous on TikTok during COVID
because people were looking for ways to interact with others
that mimiced real life contexts, that mimiced real life joy
(20:15):
and friendship, and it provided a sense of healthy distraction
from stress. I think really valuably parasocial relationships. They also
serve as a really powerful source of social learning and
role modeling in a modern media landscape. People like I
don't know, I'm trying to come up with names like
(20:35):
people like alex El, people like Taylor Swift. Think about
your favorite influencer, your favorite artist. They provide a template
for how you want your life to be in a way.
They help you define your values, your ethical stances. They
help you envision potential career aspirations, They help you make
fashion choices, they help you make you know, career and
(20:59):
education choices, relationship choices. They kind of provide like a
subtle social script for growing up and for interacting with
the real world. A lot of people who are lifelong
fans of certain musicians or certain actresses or certain people
will tell you like they first discovered them when they
(21:19):
were quite young. This person has followed them through their
life chapters. You know, I know I'm talking about Taylor
Swift a lot, but she's probably the person I have
the deepest parasocial relationship to because you know, when I
was six, that's like the first album that my dad
bought me. And when I was fourteen, you know, I
went to New York and I went to all of
(21:39):
her favorite spots that she talked about in she talked
about in like a Vogue interview, and it was almost like, oh,
she is this guidance for me, and like her albums
would bookmark certain life experiences I was having that she
went through before my friends went through, and so you
really see that. It's like they're a companion for life.
(22:01):
They feel like someone you can trust because they'll never
hurt you, and they because they are wealthy and famous
and often beautiful. There's this lifestyle they have that you think, Wow,
if my life was more like that, it would be
much better. That's a core part of how they really
make money. It's not just that they seem like a friend.
(22:24):
It's that there's a part of them that's unattainable. And
there's a weird kind of economics to the fact that
because they're unattainable, they can sell you things with the
idea that if you have that thing, you'll be more
like them. If you drink their branded drink, you'll be
more like them. If you wear the clothes that they
wear and that they sell, you'll be more like them.
(22:45):
If you listen to their music, if you adopt their lifestyle,
if you buy the same peedison, whatever it is, you
could be like them. And wouldn't your life be so
much happier. Wouldn't you just be a better version of you?
So their comparison targets sometimes as well. They present this
idea of who we might want to be, who we
can aspire towards. Whether that's a good or a bad thing,
(23:08):
it's up to you. For some people, you know, that
kind of upward social comparison is quite motivating for other people.
It can make them feel really terrible, and it can
lead into a more sour kind of connection. The relationship
becomes all consuming, it becomes intense. This is what I
want to explore after this shortbreak. What happens when a
(23:30):
parasocial relationship turns unhealthy? Stay with us. So we're talking
about parasocial relationships, the good, the great, the bad, the ugly.
What makes these kind of studio relationships almost dangerous? So
at the extreme and rarest end of that parasocial scale
(23:52):
we were talking about before, you find borderline pathological parasocial relationships.
My god, say seven times borderline pathological palatopis. Yeah. See,
I can't even say once. These are the least common
and potentially the most concerning to navigate. So in these cases,
the individual can begin to lose control over their thoughts
(24:15):
and their feelings concerning the media figure. Sometimes the lines
of reality are incredibly blurred. They might develop delusions of
actual reciprocity. They might believe that the media figure truly
knows them or will one day respond to their affections.
You hear stories of people believing that Drew Barrymore is
(24:37):
sending them messages through their TV to come in whisk
her away, or of people breaking into celebrities houses because
they think that they have been invited. What factors cause
someone to create this more intense form of parasocial activity. Well,
it's definitely linked to certain mental health sorders, particularly psychosis
(24:59):
and schizophrenia, But individuals experiencing chronic loneliness, heightened social anxiety, introversion,
lower self esteem, or who have a stronger psychological desire
for escape may be a lot more prone to forming
these intense relationships. For example, there is this model known
as the absorption addiction model that helps explain why people
(25:23):
often engage in extreme celebrity worship. And essentially what it
says is that they do that to compensate for some
other kind of deficiency in their life. Something is lacking
in their life. They have a difficulty forming intimate relationships,
they lack identity, they lack career stability, they're having difficulty
adjusting to life's like psychological demands, and having this fictional
(25:48):
relationship with someone feels that whole for them. It feels
that sense of yearning and longing. So, according to this model,
initially the intense focus on this celebrity gives someone real
sense of satisfaction. This motivates them to become even more
intensely attached. This is the absorption stage of the model.
(26:10):
The absorb parts of this person into their own identity.
This fulfillment then becomes addictive. The more they engage with content,
the more they feel a sense of belonging, the more
they feel welcomed into a community, the more that they
feel like someone is really speaking to them, the more
(26:31):
likely it is for them to engage in thrill seeking
behavior stalking, trying to gain some sense of mental, physical,
emotional closeness to the individual. These relationships act as a
secure base for that individual, especially if real life attachments
are inconsistent. But that actually what actually ends up happening
(26:54):
is if it becomes completely demented, it becomes completely overwhelming,
and because they've spent so much time in the world
and the mind of this person they admire, they can't
distinguish what is normal behavior and a normal approach to
this individual. The biggest risk beyond obviously danger to both parties,
(27:16):
that comes from these intense kind of parasocial relationships is
that they can become a replacement for real reciprocal bonds.
If parasocial relationships fill the void left by a lack
of genuine friendship or family bonds, it can actually lead
to greater isolation in the long run. There's an over reliance,
(27:37):
particularly because there's an ease. It's easier to be and
to relate to someone who you're never going to meet
versus having to maintain face to face connections. But what
happens when the person at the center of these parasocial
relationships doesn't live up to our expectations? What happens when
(27:59):
they do something wrong, when they express political views that
are different to yours, when they do something scandalous. You know,
Charlie XCX like did a bunch of work for H
and M, and a lot of people were like, that's
not who I thought. You know, Bratt girl Summer was
or whatever it is. You know, these people are real
humans with their own motivations and teams of people telling
(28:20):
them what's best, and they deal with every other every
motion that you've experienced they are experiencing. But obviously, like
under the limelight, they're not always going to do everything right.
But if we have an intense psychological and parasocial connection
to them, it can feel like they've done something wrong
to us. There's severe grief, there's anger, there's a sense
(28:42):
of disappointment, there's a sense of like having to unfriend them,
almost not engage with them anymore, like you would with
a friend who also hurt you. This is where this
idea of ownership over public figures and influencers comes in.
It's this overly inflated sense of in titlement or an
expectation of, you know, relatability and reliability that no one
(29:06):
can promise you. You know, this person does not know
who you are, Like I feel like I've said that
so many times. But they would have millions, Some of
these people have millions, billions of people who really adore
them and who like them, and they can't make every
single person happy. It's just absolutely impossible for them to
(29:27):
keep everyone happy and also continue to build a fan
base because obviously what's required for building a fan base authenticity.
Authenticity leaves a lot of room for disagreement. And it's
so interesting that people you know, someone will do something wrong.
And yes, there are definitely things like when people do
wrong that you're like, oh, that's really terrible, But people
(29:49):
will just do something wrong that they didn't even realize,
or they'll use a brand that you know, they didn't
know was bad or whatever it is, and people will
go at them in the comments, and it's like, I
can't believe that I ever followed you. You don't deserve
any more of my attention. You're a terrible, disgusting person.
I feel betrayed. Think about what it would be like
(30:10):
to be on the other end of being like you
feel betrayed, Like I don't even know who you are,
and you're having such a strong, viscual emotional reaction to me,
and obviously this person's going to take it on, but
how did Like, can you see how odd that is
to be like the subject of so much anger and
upset that you obviously don't want to cause, but then
(30:33):
you also don't particularly feel responsible for, but also don't
really know how to handle. Because it's not like this
is a friend who you actually owe things to. It's
someone who feels like you owe them something even though
you don't even know their name. So you can see
how this gets really complicated, right. People are obviously entitled
to their opinions, and people are entitled to expect certain
(30:55):
things of celebrities and people who have made a name
from being public. But it's not a normal relationship. It's
not a normal way to interact with people. It's completely abnormal,
and I think it's a real contributor these parasocial relationships.
We've been speaking primarily about positive ones, as in it's
bringing a sense of worthwhile and bringing a sense of
(31:17):
fulfillment to your life, but there's also negative parasocial relationships
that can lead to online abuse and hate comments and
trolls where people get a kick out of really hurting
someone and bringing them down, and they get a kick
out of seeing their words and their actions hurt someone
they've never met. Like I used to have a trol
like that, who had I don't even know who this
(31:40):
person is, but they were so awful to me. And
every time I would block an account, a new account
would pop up or yeah I knew, I couldn't tell
if it was the same person, although I was pretty
sure would pop up and start all over again. And
I always had this fear. I was like, is this
someone I know? Is this someone whose feelings I've act
hurt in the past, Because how could anyone be this
(32:03):
invested in harming me if they didn't actually know me,
And it turns out it's really not all that uncommon
these days. The rate of celebrity stalking, the rate of
celebrity worship, the rate of thrill seeking behavior towards celebrities,
the rate of online harassment is going up or comes
(32:24):
down to this strange relationship that we feel like we
have this strange sense of ownership over people online. I
think it's really important with that in mind, to be
really mindful with how you engage with individuals who you
believe you are forming a parasocial relationship with, to be
(32:44):
really self aware around the fact that this is not real.
A relationship is a two way straight. This is a
one way street. As much as you might really care
about them and much as you are very invested in
their life, the moment that you start to feel like
they owe you something, the moment that you start to
(33:05):
feel like your emotions are tied to what they're doing,
the moment that you start to find that you are
going to their page, going to their Instagram, going to
their website, whatever, It is so repeatedly that they are
a major thought pattern for you and take up a
lot of mental space. You do need to kind of
pull it back. Monitor whether this over reliance on this
(33:29):
fictional person or this online persona or this celebrity is
maybe making up for a deficiency in another area of
your life. It's really important to understand that if you're
leaning to like too far into this person's persona or
to the world they've created, can you identify if there
is perhaps another need that is not being met, for example,
(33:54):
a sense of companionship. If that's what you're struggling with.
I have a whole episod so on making friends in
your twenties, but you really need to start seeking out
real world interaction. Go to the same places, the same clubs,
the same gym classes, the same cafes as part of
your routine at the same times. Meet people that way.
(34:15):
Go and do friendship nights or meetups or dinner with
strangers in your local area. Ask to be introduced to
mutual friends. Put more effort in with work colleagues. Note
and notice that an overreliance on what's happening in someone's
online life might be because of a lack of something
happening in your offline life. And really understand that although
(34:38):
a parasocial relationship might be might feel perfect, you're missing
out on a really core ingredient when it comes to
nourishing relationships, which is the messiness and the vulnerabilities. That's
what makes love and platonic intimacy and connection so real
and necessary for longevity is that it challenges us and
(34:59):
it allows us to grow, and it allows us to
feel trust and vulnerability and to feel growth and attachment
to someone. There is no replacement for this, There is
no replacement for that at all, nothing in this world
that someone, an online media persona could ever fill. So
just make deliberate, concentrated efforts to mindfully engage, to have
(35:24):
a few digital detoxes every now and again, Regularly schedule
and commit to breaks from social media or a particular
kind of content that's really going to help reduce that
constant exposure, and really critically evaluate the content you're consuming,
especially when it comes to influencers promoting certain products or lifestyles.
Let me tell you this once more, A lot of
(35:44):
that is curated to sell you something. A lot of
what you see from very famous influences is a lot
of trial and error from their part until they've found
something that clicks and that works, and then replicating that
over and over again in a way that might feel
authentic for you, but it is perhaps not. There's a
(36:06):
lot of filters going on, there's a lot of body
modification through online editing that goes on. There is so
much that you don't see. And I know you might
not need that reminder because you're a smart, intelligent person,
but even if you think you're immune to it, you
are not. I am not. And I'm friends with people
(36:26):
like this and not people who are in authentic. But
I'm friends with people who work in media who we
talk about this all the time. And even then I'll
see someone's life online and be like, Oh, my life
would just be better if it looked like that. That's parasocial.
It's unhealthy comparison. It's unhealthy obsession with a life that
is being displayed that is not real. So we really
(36:49):
need to find our reality point when you really need
to find a way of assessing this truthfully. I also
saw this really amazing video the other day around the
difference between consuming and applying. If you find that you
are constantly like consuming content because you want inspiration and
because you want to feel like you, sometimes consuming content
(37:11):
feels like you're doing something, it's not the same as
actually doing the thing. Consuming massive amounts of running content,
consuming mass amounts of lifestyle content of business content is
not the same as putting those things into action. So
this might be unrelated to parasocial relationships. Perhaps this is
more around just genuine literacy and social media literacy. Make
(37:33):
sure you are not confusing consuming and consumption and viewing
as acting and doing and cultivating a life that you want.
The hours that you spend online and engaged in these
online fictional worlds is time wasted most of the time,
(37:54):
you know, it really is. Like social media is for
dopamine and dopamine only. And so if you're finding that
that's all you want to all you feel drawn to,
how can you turn consumption into creation and into cultivating
a good life beyond the screen. Okay, we're going to
take a short break, but when we return, I want
to answer some of your questions, dilemmas, conundrums around parasocial relationships.
(38:19):
There were some incredible questions for this episode, so stay
with us. Let's get into our listener questions for this episode.
Just as a reminder, make sure that you are following
us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram if you want
to be able to participate in future episodes when we
(38:42):
put the call out for any questions you may have.
This first question is why are we so obsessed with
celebrity gossip? It feels so unhealthy that we are so
invested in the lives of people we will never know
and tear them down as if we do. Okay, So
this is deeply psychological. Actually, from a psychological perspective, our
(39:06):
obsession with celebrity gossip really comes down to our i
would say, deep rooted evolutionary instinct around social hierarchy and status.
We are inherently wired to monitor where we sit in
the social hierarchy as tribal creatures, and particularly as well
to monitor those at the top of the social ladder
(39:27):
because historically that kind of helped us figure out our
own position within a group. Celebrities are kind of like
the modern day royalty, right, and so because of that,
sometimes we are hoping that they will fail. In Australia
we have this term, it's called tall poppy syndrome, whereby
(39:48):
the tallest flower is the first one to get cut down.
You know, the person to succeed is the first one
to be for people to wish for their failure, and
I think that happens with celebrities a lot, because if
they fail, perhaps we think that there will be room
for us, or perhaps we think that that proves that
no one is perfect and so we shouldn't feel bad
about ourselves either, especially considering that these individuals are often
(40:11):
elevated as being visions of perfection and being completely flawless.
Gossip as well really plays into this as well. Gossip
is a form of information sharing. It's a form of monitoring,
I guess, like moral and social rules. I also think
(40:32):
that it's a form of escapism, so our lives feel
less bad if we're able to compare them to the
life of a celebrity who's having, you know, a really
terrible time. It makes us feel like, ah, here is
someone else who's struggling as well, who's experiencing a breakup,
who's experiencing scandal or failure, and it humanizes them, and
(40:56):
it reminds us that wealth or beauty doesn't shield any
from life's challenges, which is kind of nice. It kind
of provides a sense of catharsis and a sense of relief. Also,
there's a sense of entertainment as well. People love to
be involved in things that are novel, a new, and scandalous,
and celebrity gossip is a great way to do that
(41:17):
because they don't feel real, So the consequences of saying
all the terrible things that you think and feel won't
be as significant as if you said them about someone else.
So this next question I kind of debated whether to
include it or not, but I thought it was interesting
if you will allow me to be I don't know,
self indulgent. I don't know it feels, friends, but I'll
tell you the question. The question was how does it
(41:39):
feel for the receiver being you? So how do I
deal with parasocial tendencies from listeners or from fans. I
will say that the majority of people who come up
to me or who I interact with who love the
podcast are super respectful, super cool. I always I always
(42:00):
to people like I have the coolest listeners. Anytime I
meet any of you, I'm genuinely like so impressed, like
just really cool, inspiring, smart individuals. You guys always have
such interesting things to say, and I really like talking
to you. I think it becomes a struggle online. So
something that I really encounter. Obviously, given the nature of
(42:21):
what we talk about on the podcast, it's quite deep
and vulnerable and emotional, and often people find those deep
emotional episodes during really hard times for them. So I
can occasionally receive messages that I don't think necessarily understand
that I am a stranger and that when I'm checking
my messages and I open a message without context that
(42:43):
tells me about something really terrible and traumatic that happens
in your life, like it does impact me. And sometimes
I find that strange because I've never met you, I
don't know you. I'm sure I would really like you
if I did. But because there are, you know, at
this stage so many people in the community, I can't
have those one on one relationships. So receiving those messages
(43:03):
used to really stress me out. And I used to
feel like I owed people a response because it would
be really delicate stuff, and I didn't want to ignore them.
But I think I realized that it would that it
is more ethical to not respond versus to respond. It's
more ethical for me to ignore the message because I
(43:25):
think responding to messages gives an indicator of trust, and
it kind of sends a signal that someone can continue
to do that and that I will be there for them,
And the thing is is that I just can't be.
You know, I have my own relationships, I have my
own friends, I do you know, I can provide solace
(43:46):
and love and advice for them, But to do it
for thousands of people would just be like really really irresponsible.
So yeah, I think that's sometimes strange. I think also
it's strange when I feel like I'm not particularly like
I don't see myself as a public figure, Like I've
been very deliberate around not becoming like an influencer personality,
(44:10):
not because I think there's anything bad about it, just
because I know how I handle public scrutiny and I
don't handle it well and I just don't think I
would enjoy it. So yeah, I feel like there were
opportunities for me to be more like an online personality
and I didn't take them. And sometimes I wonder if
I'm going to regret that, because you know, there's more
money there, and there's more more listeners there, and there's
(44:34):
more appreciation there, and you know, there's more attention there,
and I'm like, oh, did I give up on an
opportunity to be that kind of, you know, to be
a TikTok star or whatever. But no, I think I
made the right decision. Not that I could have even
really have done it, but yeah, there were definitely opportunities
would be like, oh, do this ad series or do
this collaboration or do this just general series, and I've
(44:57):
been like, I don't really want to do that, so
I think I kind of avoid a large part of it.
But even with my like deliberate attempt to not be
part of that kind of ecosystem, Yeah, people do stuff
till sometimes overstep boundaries, and I do find it strange,
especially when they make comments around like my boyfriend, who
(45:21):
I don't really share much about. I'm like, oh you
Like I had someone comment like on our relationship recently,
and I was like, you don't know anything about me
and anything about my boyfriend, and we have such an
incredibly healthy relationship and it was so interesting to see
this person coming in blind and really thinking that they
were saying something impactful and genuinely sound like they sounded
(45:44):
like concern for me, And I was like, oh, so
this is what it's like when we judge other people's relationships,
like this is this knows nothing but from their perspective,
they really think that they do. And yeah, it was
kind of a it was interesting, but yeah, I don't
think I really struggle with it, probably because of the
fact that I'm not famous. The only way I think
I struggle is when I feel like responsible to people
(46:07):
to respond to really delicate messages. But I've got a
healthy relationship with that now, all right, our third question
for the day. Can parasocial relationships be healthy? I think yes.
I think there are a lot of situations where actually
they can be a source of inspiration. They can be
a source of motivation, They can be a source of comfort,
(46:27):
even especially when we are fans of someone who's going
through similar struggles as us, similar struggles with their identity
or with their body image, or with their relationship, or
with finding themselves, or with their gender or their sexuality.
It's really comforting to see that you're not alone. I think,
especially if you are in an environment where you don't
(46:49):
have role models like that, having a celebrity figure who
is accessible and available does provide you with the script
for how to live a life differently to how everyone
around you is telling you to live. I think they
really crossed over when you don't have that important reality distinction,
or you don't have that part of you that's like, yes,
but this person doesn't know who I am, or like, yes,
(47:11):
but we don't actually have a relationship. So as long
as you remain a fan rather than thinking you have
a friendship, I think that's then you're pretty safe. This
final question, I just thought it was really cool and
I thought it was interesting, and I wanted to continue
a discussion in the comments. Who was the best celebrity
to worship? If you have made it this far, put
a comment down the below, Who was the best celebrity
(47:33):
to worship? Who do you think is deserving of all
the parasocial relationships that come their way. My answer is
Dolly Parton. I think that Dolly Parton is the best
celebrity in the world. She had this this podcast that
was done on her a couple of years ago called
Dolly Parton's America. It's like a six part series. It's
so wonderful and it traces the history of America through
(47:57):
the story of Dolly Parton. It's crazy. You just got
to listen to to understand what I'm talking about, And
it just made me learn so much more about her,
and I was like, Wow, you are just such a
cool lady, and you do so much for the community,
and you have this beautiful relationship with her husband who's
recently passed. That's parasocial of me that I know that that.
I was, Yeah, anyways, I just really admired her. So
(48:19):
I think Dolly Partners is up there. I think she's
really really cool. She's the first one that comes to mind.
If you have another example, leave it in the comments below.
But I hope that this episode was interesting to you.
I hope it taught you something. I hope that it
helped you understand how to navigate these relationships in a
very mediate saturated world. Just remember, our brains are completely
(48:42):
simply wired for connection, and these one sided bonds are
just a sign of that inherent wiring. They're not bad,
In fact, they can be very valuable. But the ultimate
goal is just to be mindful and conscious around how
these figures are copleamenting your life rather than taking from it.
(49:02):
I think by doing so you can really harness the benefits.
So thank you for listening this far. Make sure you're
following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast that you're
following along you're subscribed, wherever you are listening right now,
leave a comment below based on that question I just asked,
And until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle
to yourself. We will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.