July 14, 2025 • 46 mins
You know when someone seems to breeze through life, can approach any social situation and challenge with such self-assured confidence? It seems innate - something they were born with. But what if that's not true? What if, instead of a fixed personal trait, confidence is actually a set of learnable abilities, a dynamic skill that anyone can cultivate, sharpen, and ultimately master? Today, we’re challenging the notion that confidence is a trait, and instead something you build.
Things we discuss:
- Why confidence is dynamic and adaptable
- Self-efficacy as a driver of confidence
- How "growth mindsets" can revolutionise your approach to challenges and setbacks
- Understanding the locus of control to fuel or hinder your forward momentum
- Actionable strategies to build your confidence from the ground up
If you’ve ever thought, “if only I was just born confident”, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra: https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=b6ad5d555c1940e0
Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg
Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast
For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, oh listeners, wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here,
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just
want to let you know that this episode actually has
(00:45):
two parts. It has basically, like I guess, a sister
episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you
prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this
episode to start your day or just out your week,
I'm going to leave a link in the description of
this episode for you guys to go and check it out.
(01:06):
I would love if you just gave Mantra a try.
I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love
that podcast because it's basically the Psychology of Your Twenties,
but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go
check it out. But as for our topic today, we're
going to talk about confidence and what it is about
(01:27):
confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how
we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright,
amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something
that you were born with. It is a skill, a
(01:48):
skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy,
actually inspired this episode friend of the show. We love Percy.
She is what simularly well, she similarly is a very
confident person, and she just approaches every single social situation,
every work presentation, every first date with just such a grounded,
(02:08):
secure mindset. It's honestly, it's sexy, Like she is so
magnetic to watch and sometimes I've even like found myself
just being like where did this come from? Like who
is this amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura,
It's like a color that almost surrounds her. And I
think it's so easy to observe people like her and
(02:30):
conclude that she was simply born with this, this is
always who she was going to become. But the thing is,
I've been friends with Percy for some time, for a
long time, and I know her very well, and I
know that this is not always what she was like
she was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she
was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled, And
(02:53):
so it really got me thinking, what does she kind
of know that we don't like? What is this for
me that she has? What are the profound kind of
psychological principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident
and people who are not confident? What is it about
the history they're upbringing their personality whatever it is, and
(03:13):
what about that can we change? What about ourselves can
we kind of work with to come into any situation
and just feel like we own the room, feel like
we deserve and belong to be there. Because once we
understand the science of confidence, once we kind of break
(03:33):
down the myth that confidence is only something that you
are born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we
become unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves,
in directing our lives. You know, the list could go
on and on and on. So where do we begin,
what do we do? How do we get there? That
is exactly what we are going to talk about today,
(03:55):
your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. So let's
begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I
should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You
either have it or you don't. Is that true or not? Well,
(04:18):
I'm going to give you the answer right now, and
then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer
is no, it's not. According to research, including a really
comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in twenty
twenty one, confidence is only between nine to twenty eight
percent heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics,
(04:40):
because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of
our confidence, somewhere between seventy two and ninety one percent,
is shaped by things like environment, experiences, mindset choices, not
just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of
your orbit of control. For the most part, something like
(05:01):
confidence is something that we can change. We can we
can kind of intercept and form to our desires. And
to truly understand why this is the case, and to
truly understand like the foundation of confidence, you have to
understand one of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy.
Self efficacy is a concept that was first named or labeled,
(05:24):
I guess by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous
social psychologist who we talk about a lot, and it
is basically our belief in our capacity to execute the
behavior is necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms,
because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your
belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you
(05:47):
can achieve a particular goal, you can I guess, present
yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires.
It is not so much your belief that things will
go well. It's not so much your belief that people
will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside
of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we
(06:10):
can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great
thing about self efficacy is that it can only be
built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us.
It is not either there or not the moment we
are born. So there are four primary sources through which
self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources,
(06:34):
you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in
someone brick by brick, through the process of learning and
environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first
one is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically,
when you successfully perform a task, especially one that you
(06:57):
initially found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities.
This starts like as like from like three months old.
Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike,
because it's a very good one. You know, the riding
a bike is kind of scary, Like it is kind
of scary, like you have to balance on these two
wheels and you can go really really fast and you'll
(07:19):
probably fall off. You know. The first few attempts involve
wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with
each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance,
like your belief and your ability to ride independently grows stronger.
It's all based on these moments of feeling like I
didn't believe I could do this, but I can, and
(07:39):
that for our mind kind of acts as these concrete
data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your
trust and your own abilities, the fact that you've kind
of you are capable. Now the brain actively seeks and
reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time
(08:00):
you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others,
the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your
brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments
and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of
managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created,
and that's really important because the more times you show
(08:21):
yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself
that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next,
we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of
course inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount
by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to
(08:42):
yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do,
it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess
the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors,
role models, even peers are so u in building confidence.
If you're abudding entrepreneur and you see someone from a
(09:06):
similar background successfully launch their business, it sends a really
powerful message like, if they can do it, maybe I
can too. This actually really explains why representation matters and
is so important for marginalized groups. There was a study
done in twenty sixteen in the UK and researchers asked
high achieving university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send
(09:30):
letters to students from similar backgrounds who were considering university
and just talk about their experience, talk about the fact
that it's possible. So there were over eleven thousand people
in this study and these letters were really positive. They
were like, shoot for the stars, you can do it.
Aim higher and the researchers tracked students application decisions and
(09:53):
found that there was a significant increase in applications to
more prestigious unis amongst the group that received the letters
versus groups that did not. So this isn't about blind imitation.
It's about seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated
by others, which then informs your own sense of possibility.
It's also why I think that we could do with
(10:15):
more admiration in this society. Instead of being jealous of
people who are have what you want, or have the
life that you want, or who are doing better than you,
these people can actors basically proof that your dreams, maybe
you aren't even that aren't big enough. Because this person
has managed to do it, therefore you can too. There
is a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be
(10:37):
acquired through observation in a really significant way. The third
way we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So
it's not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged
by people who you admire, having people like a coach,
a parent, a teacher, a friend, someone that can say
(10:59):
you're doing a good job. You are capable of doing
this positive feedback. It's truly so motivational because we really
do like external validation secretly but also not secretly. And
so if you have someone who you admire who was
saying like, wow, you really are getting better and you're
improving and you're doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more.
(11:21):
You're prepared to fail more in some circumstances, at least
because you have this weird desire within you to succeed more,
and you kind of put yourself you kind of face
opportunities more often, You put yourself on the path for
success more often, even though you know that failure might
be a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in
(11:43):
those moments when you do fail, because you have this
strong sense of someone else believes in me, despite missed opportunities,
despite moments of ill confidence. Therefore I can believe in myself.
There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can
really make us feel terrible about ourselves, from parents who
(12:05):
are dismissive to childhood bullies.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
You know.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
I remember I had a teacher once who was really
really mean to me, and I was like, why do
you have beef with me? Like I'm literally seven years old?
And I felt really like I remember feeling really bad
about myself and not wanting to try and not wanting
to speak up. Discouragement is equally as powerful as encouragement.
That is why it is so important to surround yourself
(12:28):
with good people. It may be hard to go up
against this if you've had, you know, a family who
was really awful, or if you were bullied, or if
you do feel like your environment is really what made
you the way you were, and it's hard to escape.
But the older you get, you do have choices to
be around people who will care about you, who will
(12:49):
elevate you, who will encourage you. You know, if your
friends are secretly trying to tear you down or if
you are constantly listening to what people on a saying
that is mean or cruel. If you let the words
of your family members really invade your mindset confidence, it
will be harder to obtain. Luckily, we have one final
(13:11):
source of self efficacy to talk about, and that's our
ability to manage our own emotional reaction to stress. It's
our physiological and emotional states, our mood, our stress levels
that can profoundly influence how we judge our potential for success.
If you're feeling calm, energized and physically prepared for a task,
(13:34):
you will believe in yourself more than if you went
to bed super late, or if you have had too
much coffee or you're hungry. These choices matter, and these
are choices that you have control over. Basically, how you
approach stress, how you learn to relate to your emotions,
how you physically prepare yourself is a factor in whether
you feel capable. But that also means that we can
(13:57):
create routines and patterns and additions that we know will
make us feel confident and good as a way to
prepare us and counteract negative emotional states that kind of
come with doing new things or being in front of
new people. So when you understand these four sources, it
becomes really clear right that confidence isn't an inherited trait.
(14:20):
If you consistently seek out opportunities for mastery, if you
observe others who are successful, if you go where you
are valued, if you learn how to manage your anxiety
and your physiological state, your self efficacy and therefore your
confidence will likely grow. It is important here to talk
about the fact that although confidence isn't inherited, it is,
(14:45):
you know, really quite deeply influenced by how you were
raised and who you grew up around. You know, if
you again had parents who are deeply discouraging, if you
grew up in poverty, if you grew up with you know,
mentors or teachers or no examples of success, you are
starting from a harder point. And we have to be
(15:07):
completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring those disadvantages.
I would not be doing my job if I sat
here and said everyone starts from zero and starts at
the same starting point, you know what I mean, and
everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because it's
just not the case. But what I'm really trying to
say is that it is possible. So it's not like
(15:29):
if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed. If
you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk down
to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself, these
are things that can actually be undone. They were done
to you. That means that they have kind of like
a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do upon
(15:50):
you that you can do upon yourself, not to reverse
those things and to reverse those experiences, but to integrate
them and say that you are more than them. We're
going to talk a little bit more about that later on,
but I think it's an important caveat to add here.
Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also
talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the
(16:11):
conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to
understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident,
you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is
a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best who discovered
that there are two and really only two fundamental mindsets
(16:33):
we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've
probably heard of them before. You can either have a
fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset
believes that they're basic abilities. Their intelligence, their confidence, These
are static traits. They are what they are. They were
(16:56):
born that way. There's little that can be done to
change them. If you're good at math, it's because you
were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence,
it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you
can change. There's nothing you do to change that. This
kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to
sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way.
(17:18):
And so what that means is that when you face obstacles,
when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence
levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like
you can change them. You feel like you are always
going to be this way. In contrast, a person with
a growth mindset believes in themselves but also believes that
(17:41):
their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and
hard work and practice and your brain, talent, personality, those
are just starting points. In other words, they have what
we call an internal locus of control. They believe in
their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome,
(18:03):
but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe
I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing,
I am confident, you act that way. You know that
how you think about your situation and how you think
about yourself will influence what part what parts of yourself
(18:23):
grow and expand, and what parts you know ultimately shrink.
The reality, of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of
already talked about this. You know, confidence is a skill.
It is something that comes from mindset. It isn't something
that you're born with, but there are other things that
we are born into that can make it harder. What
(18:44):
it's about discerning is really when your mindset can trump
those things and when it cannot, And that's when having
a formula for confidence, or having skills and things in
like your toolbox really helps because instead of just feeling
paralyzed by situations, you do have options to try out
(19:05):
to kind of counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety,
counteract your social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your
belief that you don't deserve to be there. So that
really leads to the biggest question that we have today.
How do we do that. I'm not just gonna leave
you guys here without some practical tips, including the formulas
(19:25):
of some of the most confident people in the world,
how you can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable,
completely yourself. That's what we're going to explore after this shortbreak.
Confidence is truly a mental game, and the good thing
about that is that if you have the right mental strategies,
(19:48):
you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply
them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you,
these strategies are coming with you as well. So the
first part of our mindset that we want to target
it are the deeper beliefs that we have that we
don't deserve to be confident at all, or that people
will always be able to see through us, They will
(20:09):
always see us as a fraud, they will always know
we're faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least
I call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects
of your confidence and of your self belief. So I
do need you to become aware of your confidence blockers,
or your inner critics. What is your inner critics' favorite
(20:33):
catchphrase and favorite thing to tell you when you're putting
yourself out there or trying something new, probably something along
the lines of you can't do this, You're definitely going
to mess it up. Everyone's going to know that you're
a fraud. Everyone's going to see you fail. Not true firstly,
but when those self defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then
(20:55):
begin to question them, is that thought truly one hundred
percent accurate? Like what concrete evidence do you actually have
for that? And what evidence do you have against it?
You can fight back. You know, your inner critic isn't
the only one with a voice. You're in a cheerleader
also has something to say, and they can say it louder,
(21:16):
they can freakin scream it. You get to choose what
you want to believe about the future and about where
you sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet.
So as much as your in a critic wants you
to believe that you're going to fail and you're going
to embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no
more idea than you're in a cheerleader who thinks that
you're going to do absolutely amazing. So every time you
(21:39):
encounter a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well,
this series of martras, I'm magnetic. People flock to me.
My energy. It opens doors before I arrive. I move
through this space, steady and prepared. I am calm, I
am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident.
(22:00):
Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports
you and elevates you, and which capture you and you
know entro all you. I need you to be ready
to kind of like throw them at your owner critic.
I kind of think of it as like throwing balls
of sunshine, and like each time a ball of sunshine
like hits your like the shadow of your inner critic,
(22:21):
Like it gets smaller and smaller, and like parts of
it like dissolve away, whatever makes it visual for you.
Positive self talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and
your brain have a two way relationship. You are what
you tell your brain. You become the words and the
sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind
of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of
(22:45):
this is that the language that we use towards ourselves
and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking
but actually shapes how we think. So if you are
constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may
literally narrow how you see the world and how you
see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language,
(23:07):
confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency
and you broaden your sense of the world. If you
say to yourself and sorry, I'm going to sound so
repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point.
If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment.
I will be an image of confidence and power that
(23:28):
creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, which we know
is a psychologically proven and relevant concept because the expectations
you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in
subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I
also want you to sincerely ask yourself, right now, why
(23:49):
don't you deserve to be confident? Let's put on our
investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this
is who I am? Who made me feel small? Who
told me that I should shrink and that this is
where I belong and I should be silent and more importantly,
what makes them right? Seriously, like, what evidence do they have?
(24:11):
Are they like the head of some accredited committee. Have
they been ordained to be able to do this? Do
they have some degree or some authority? And who's allowed
to be confident? And who doesn't? No, they literally don't.
They just have an opinion, and you can have a
better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate
(24:32):
because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're
a good person, you know you're thoughtful, you know you're smart,
you know that you have things to say and that
you deserve success. You know that better than anyone because
you have to live with yourself every single day and
they don't. So you can choose to disagree not only
with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is parent,
(24:54):
family member, ex boyfriend, ex best friend who convince you
to be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident
mindset is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful, It's
why we talk about it so much. Visualize how you
want to enter a room before you enter it, and
(25:16):
you will enter the room that way. Visualize how you
want others to feel in your presence, and often they
will feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady, Visualize
the eye contact you'll make, Visualize your posture, Visualize your power.
There are a few exercises to make this easier. One
I have spoken about before many times called the golden
(25:37):
Orb theory. This is the one that I personally use.
If you have ever met me at like a meetup,
or like on my book tour or at a live event,
I promise you that I have been doing this when
you have met me. This is what happens I before
I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden
(25:59):
orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there we're visualizing,
but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball
of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe
out as I step into this room and expands and
expands and expands, and any time I make eye contact
with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more.
(26:20):
And this ball, this orb just gets bigger and bigger
and bigger, so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes
into contact with it, immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied
to me, immediately feels you know, good around me immediately
feels like their best self, and I feel like my
best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that
(26:42):
I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously
I don't, but I do get to control my own
perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange,
but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident, it's
not that you don't know that you can handle yourself.
It's that you're overly worried with how other people are
going to perceive you. So if you give yourself the
illusion that you can change their perception, suddenly nothing else
(27:04):
really matters, and you feel the ability to be authentic
and natural. And that's what this kind of activity and
exercise really does for me. There's another one. It's known
as the golden thread trick. Golden or theory golden thread trick,
you're seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a
golden thread pulling from the top of your head into
the sky. Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you, and
(27:27):
it's making sure that you take up space. It's not
gonna let you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink.
It wants you to be present, and you have like
the permission from this golden string, this thing way up high,
going into the cosmos and beyond, to be here and
to be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it.
There's also the very famous act as if technique, the
(27:52):
act as if technique. It's a psychological strategy that involves
behaving as if you already are the version of your
self you want to become. Confidence, secure, successful, grounded. You
are already those things, even if you don't fully feel
it yet. We talked about modeling before, and modeling really
asks you to look at someone else who has what
you have and to kind of emulate them. You can
(28:15):
also kind of emulate yourself as well, right like you
can emulate a version of yourself that you think is
incredible and who you want to become, and who you
can so clearly visualize. It's not about faking it. It's
about rehearsing the reality that you're stepping into, and over time,
the gap between who you are and who you're acting
(28:37):
as if begins to close, and so you feel like
that version of you is real. It's like method acting,
almost method acting for a future version of you that
you want to become. Also not to bring up modeling again,
but if it's too hard to fake it, you don't
have to. You can also borrow your confidence. You can
(28:58):
borrow other people's innate abilities that you can borrow their
sense of satisfaction and pride in themselves. When you see
someone that you really admire, think about the coolest person
you know, like the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational
person you know. Think about everything that they would do
in this situation that you're scared to be and how
(29:19):
would they hold themselves, how would they walk in, how
would they speak, how would they communicate, how would they be?
Think about that, take it all and pretend that that's
you borrow what they have. There was a study that
I read from twenty twenty one that actually looked at
how this is used to help train the confidence of
(29:39):
young Olympic athletes or Olympic hopefuls. And there was a
study done in Korea, and the researchers basically asked their participants,
who were people who would probably one day be in
the Olympics, to borrow their confidence from someone they admired.
They were paired with an older team member or an
older Olympic hopeful or an Olympian even at that and
(30:02):
they were asked to think about them before they started
swimming or dove off the diving board, or did whatever
sport they were doing. Think about them, think about what
they would do, think about how they would stand. And
their self efficacy, which we know is a crucial ingredient, increased.
Not only did their self efficacy increase, they were also
(30:24):
better able to really shift into a flow state. They
were better able to cut through the noise of their
own insecurity or their lack of self belief and just
be present in what they were doing. So just choose
someone you admire borrow what they have. Another step to
mastering confidence and really building this skill like a muscle,
is putting yourself in situations where you can prove to
(30:47):
yourself you can cope, you can win, you can show up,
you can be successful. Basically, find ways to experience small
boosts to your confidence like those mastery experience. As we
were talking about before, a lot of building confidence is
actually exposure. Like anything, if you have a social phobia,
like how they treat most phobias as exposures. If you
(31:08):
have a social phobia or any kind of anxiety around
specifically being around people. What someone is probably going to
ask you, what a therapist is probably going to get
you to do, is to be in those spaces that
terrify you the most as much as possible. If you
are terrified of dating, you have to go on ten
first dates to win the challenge. If you're scared of
(31:29):
meeting strangers, you have to go to all these stranger events.
If you're scared of giving presentations, you have to volunteer
to do them. No skill, ever, is built simply by
thinking about it. It's built through practice, It's built through stretching,
pushing yourself. And you know what, that's really scary. It's
(31:51):
really freaking scary. It's also the only way to do it,
I'm sorry to say. And then one day, not too
long in the future, you'll suddenly you find yourself being
the person who is no longer at the beginning of
the story, but you know, halfway through it, who was
able to turn around and say, I used to be
someone who really struggled with this. I used to be
someone who didn't want a date, who didn't want to
(32:12):
put myself out there, who didn't want to wear these clothes.
And now I'm a success story because I put in
the work. Finally, really consciously focus on your sphere of control.
This is like the practical, everyday application of cultivating a
growth mindset and a strong locus of control. When you
(32:34):
find yourself facing a challenge or a daunting situation or decision,
you have to really ask yourself what parts of this
can I genuinely do something about and what parts do
I just have to accept or lean into. Then critically
direct your energy and your effort solely towards the things
you can influence. Your preparation, your effort, your belief. You're
(32:57):
learning your attitude, how you choose to adapt, rather than
wasting precious time and energy on things that are never
going to be something you can change even if you
try your hardest. One huge example of something you can't control,
and this might surprise you, it's what other people choose
to think of you. You may be thinking like, oh, wait,
(33:18):
what the heck, Like, isn't that all we've been talking about?
Like all those exercises that you just told us, Like,
wasn't that to control or influence what other people think? No,
those aren't meant to change what they think. They're meant
to change what you think. They're meant to change how
you think about yourself. That is way more powerful than
ever trying to change other people think of you. They're
(33:39):
going to follow your example. How you think about yourself
is how other people will often end up thinking about you.
People can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's
also not your business. You just can't control it, and
you will go mad trying to, because trust me, there
will always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone,
(34:01):
no matter who they are. I think we've all been
on the internet long enough to know this, right you know,
literally think about like the coolest person on this planet,
like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell
you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't
like that person. There is someone out there who could
sit down with this person and have a big, in
(34:21):
depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only
came from people liking you, no one would ever be
confident because everyone there is a hater for everyone out there.
So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall
that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel.
What do you want from a situation? How do you
(34:42):
want to leave feeling. Remember, people that are confident, they're
not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They
are often people who can admit when they're not great
at things, they can ask for help. They also know
that there will be people who don't like them, but
they know what's to their control, which is their mindset. Okay,
(35:03):
we are going to take another short break, but when
we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas
all about confidence, so please stay with us. We will
be right back after this short break. Welcome back, everybody.
We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously,
(35:26):
the listeners. If you want to be able to partake
in this section of the podcast, make sure you are
following us at that Psychology podcast over on Instagram so
that you can see when I put up question boxes
for new episodes. Questions for this week, so good. Thank
you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow,
(35:48):
I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you
for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it.
This question, in some form or another, was probably the
most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident,
I will come off as cocky in work situations and beyond,
where is the line? So many of you wanted to
(36:11):
know this, Where is the line between being confident and
arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question.
I think the fact that you are already aware of
this possibility means that you are probably self correcting too
much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually
be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself
(36:31):
more than you deserve to. We want to find an
authentic way of expressing confidence, right, and so what's important
to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't
think about others for a second. When you are truly confident,
you probably feel very calm. You feel alert, you feel grounded.
When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense. You feel anxious,
(36:52):
you feel like you have something to prove, You feel forceful.
Learn to tell the two apart, and to just stay
in the first. When you are authentically confident, that comes
off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off amazingly.
When you are anxious is when you actually end up
being arrogant. So as long as you can tell the difference,
(37:13):
I think you're pretty safe. I will also say I
hate the word cocky they're especially when it's used towards
others to put them down, Like there are very, very
very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky, and
yet people use that word to really keep other people
small because it benefits them to do so, or because
they think that they should get to being in control
(37:34):
of how people act when it's none of their business.
Often it is just a projection of how they think
they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should
act because they've chosen to do it. But they don't
really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry
less about being seen as cocky and more about what
feels right for you to share, what feels right for
(37:56):
you to open up about what you want to say,
how you want to act, how you feel in a situation.
If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt
yourself or question yourself, and say things that genuinely feel
true and meaningful, that is coming from a deep place.
And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that
it's not your intention, and that's really the only explanation
(38:17):
you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as
arrogant or conceded. You are actually the person that I'd
probably be worried least about, because you have self awareness
and I don't think that truly arrogant people do, so
you should be okay. Second question, another freakin' banger. Why
do we feel less confident in a group of very
(38:38):
confident people? I think there are a few explanations.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Maybe.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space
to take up, less kind of like breathing room, because
everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably
also triggers a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these
people have real reasons to be confident, Like these people
really look like they believe in themselves. I don't. I'm
just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic. Mine feels fake.
(39:07):
That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological
side to things, which is a bit more complex. But
we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of
highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but
also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply
social animals. That's encoded into our neurobiology and from an
(39:28):
evolutionary standpoint, entering a groupment having to be able to
subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order, So
like who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with,
who feels like a friend. High confidence and high confident
people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech.
(39:48):
They feel like they are leaders, and so our brain
has to readjust where we sit, and that may interpret
things as a challenge to our social standing, even if
it's not. Because we have these ancient brains. In a
modern setting, you know, there isn't just one person who's
always in charge. There isn't just one leader who will
dominate over others. There is more space. The important thing
(40:10):
to also remember is that truly confident people, they are
the ones who want others to thrive and they want
to elevate you. Confident people have actually been shown to
judge others less, and they spend more time assessing themselves
compared to other people. So actually, in a room full
of confident people, you are probably the safest you will
(40:31):
ever be from judgment. So actually this is where you
should feel free to be allowed take risks, tell stories,
be who you want to be authentically. If they judge you,
that's something they have to address, not you. Next question,
does being delusional actually help in elevating confidence? Yes, yes,
(40:53):
being delusional can make you more confident. It's again the
language and the way that you're speaking to yourself. It
relates to that self fulfilling prophecy that we kind of
talked about before. If you, you know, feel like you
can be something, if you just so deeply believe it,
chances are that you're more likely to act in a
way that will make that happen. Kind of relating to
(41:18):
the first question, though, there is a fine line here
between delusion and narcissism, and also delusion and actually putting
in the work, like confidence is a skill, not a trait.
That's the title of the episode. Skills require work. So
saying like this is going to happen to me, this
is going to happen for me. All great things. You
should believe in yourself. You should believe in your dreams.
(41:41):
You also have to do something about them. You also
have to find a way to take all of that
really positive energy, like that's a great starting point and
make a plan. Be willing to initiate be willing to
put yourself out there, be willing to be cringe embarrassing fail.
That's what a really confident person would do. But yes,
being delusional one percent very helpful. Final question, how do
(42:05):
I feel confident in a physical feature I can't change?
I don't want to get surgery slash, I can't. So
how do I embrace if not truly learned to love
this part of me? I really relate to this. Yeah,
I really relate to this. For a long time. There
are things about myself that I really wanted to change.
I still do. Here's the thing. We were not meant
(42:28):
to be as conscious of our appearance as we are.
Appearance was not meant to be such an important factor
as it is in modern society, and so of course
it's really hard to love yourself when the thing a
lot of us feel judged for first and foremost is
by our looks. And it's not just that looks signal
attractiveness anymore, or fertility or whatever it was meant to.
(42:50):
It signals wealth, and it signals social standing, and it
signals all these other things that it's just like, making
it such a confusing thing to manage. Oh my god,
I saw this video the other day, And not to
judge this woman at all, but I saw this video
of this woman who had sperm, like what was it,
like fish sperm injected into her face, and I was
like that, I imagine telling someone like six thousand years
(43:15):
ago that that was something that was done like that
sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's like something that
people pay for to like stay young these days. And
it's just the culture that we live in. No wonder
everyone feels ugly, Like I don't know anyone who like
truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. There's always something
that an industry or a business or a brand is
(43:36):
going to try and make you feel insecure about. So
it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this was
a problem in the first place, and what do they
have to gain from making me feel bad? Often, you know,
our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very narrow ideals.
It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually not objective
(43:59):
at all. Also, just really start by softening the language.
Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special, from
embarrassing to mine to whatever word you want to use
that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't have
to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim for neutrality,
(44:21):
aim for something that's a little bit easier, and just
saying this part of me, it exists. I don't need
to shrink because of it. Also, how you look is
really the least interesting thing about you. And I know
I've said that so often, and I'm sorry if you've
heard it before, but if life was all about appearances,
it would be very boring. And beauty does fade, and
(44:42):
beauty becomes something that people can only talk about for
so long. So focus on the other areas of your
life where you feel naturally confident and work on expanding them,
work on thinking about them more, putting more time into
those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractive. It is something
(45:02):
we all live with, obviously and have to consider, and
we exist in a system where that does matter. I'm
not going to deny it. But how much do you
want it to matter? How much do you want it
to dictate the rest of your life. That's like a
big question that I think is very existential and that
you kind of have to answer for yourself. But I
wish you the best of luck, and know that I'm
there with you and I've had many a similar thought.
(45:26):
That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners.
I hope that this episode has given you something to
think about and given you something to apply to your
own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill,
not a trait, and with a skill, with any skill,
it's something that you can improve in whatever area of
your life you want to feel more like yourself and
(45:46):
more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips
in the comments below. If you have one that I
haven't mentioned, let's share it. What's the thing that you
do that is just so weird and wacky bit always
work and always makes you feel amazing, whether it's like
a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like, what
is it? I want to know? Make sure again you
(46:07):
are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast, and
that you share this episode with a friend, with a
family member, with a colleague who you think could benefit
from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like share all those things.
I always forget which order they're in, but you know,
the deal really helps the show grow, helps it reach
new people. Also puts a pile on my face if
(46:28):
that's something you may or may not want to do.
But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind, be
gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, oh listeners, wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here,
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just
want to let you know that this episode actually has
(00:45):
two parts. It has basically, like I guess, a sister
episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you
prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this
episode to start your day or just out your week,
I'm going to leave a link in the description of
this episode for you guys to go and check it out.
(01:06):
I would love if you just gave Mantra a try.
I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love
that podcast because it's basically the Psychology of Your Twenties,
but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go
check it out. But as for our topic today, we're
going to talk about confidence and what it is about
(01:27):
confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how
we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright,
amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something
that you were born with. It is a skill, a
(01:48):
skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy,
actually inspired this episode friend of the show. We love Percy.
She is what simularly well, she similarly is a very
confident person, and she just approaches every single social situation,
every work presentation, every first date with just such a grounded,
(02:08):
secure mindset. It's honestly, it's sexy, Like she is so
magnetic to watch and sometimes I've even like found myself
just being like where did this come from? Like who
is this amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura,
It's like a color that almost surrounds her. And I
think it's so easy to observe people like her and
(02:30):
conclude that she was simply born with this, this is
always who she was going to become. But the thing is,
I've been friends with Percy for some time, for a
long time, and I know her very well, and I
know that this is not always what she was like
she was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she
was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled, And
(02:53):
so it really got me thinking, what does she kind
of know that we don't like? What is this for
me that she has? What are the profound kind of
psychological principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident
and people who are not confident? What is it about
the history they're upbringing their personality whatever it is, and
(03:13):
what about that can we change? What about ourselves can
we kind of work with to come into any situation
and just feel like we own the room, feel like
we deserve and belong to be there. Because once we
understand the science of confidence, once we kind of break
(03:33):
down the myth that confidence is only something that you
are born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we
become unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves,
in directing our lives. You know, the list could go
on and on and on. So where do we begin,
what do we do? How do we get there? That
is exactly what we are going to talk about today,
(03:55):
your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. So let's
begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I
should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You
either have it or you don't. Is that true or not? Well,
(04:18):
I'm going to give you the answer right now, and
then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer
is no, it's not. According to research, including a really
comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in twenty
twenty one, confidence is only between nine to twenty eight
percent heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics,
(04:40):
because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of
our confidence, somewhere between seventy two and ninety one percent,
is shaped by things like environment, experiences, mindset choices, not
just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of
your orbit of control. For the most part, something like
(05:01):
confidence is something that we can change. We can we
can kind of intercept and form to our desires. And
to truly understand why this is the case, and to
truly understand like the foundation of confidence, you have to
understand one of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy.
Self efficacy is a concept that was first named or labeled,
(05:24):
I guess by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous
social psychologist who we talk about a lot, and it
is basically our belief in our capacity to execute the
behavior is necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms,
because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your
belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you
(05:47):
can achieve a particular goal, you can I guess, present
yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires.
It is not so much your belief that things will
go well. It's not so much your belief that people
will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside
of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we
(06:10):
can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great
thing about self efficacy is that it can only be
built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us.
It is not either there or not the moment we
are born. So there are four primary sources through which
self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources,
(06:34):
you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in
someone brick by brick, through the process of learning and
environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first
one is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically,
when you successfully perform a task, especially one that you
(06:57):
initially found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities.
This starts like as like from like three months old.
Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike,
because it's a very good one. You know, the riding
a bike is kind of scary, Like it is kind
of scary, like you have to balance on these two
wheels and you can go really really fast and you'll
(07:19):
probably fall off. You know. The first few attempts involve
wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with
each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance,
like your belief and your ability to ride independently grows stronger.
It's all based on these moments of feeling like I
didn't believe I could do this, but I can, and
(07:39):
that for our mind kind of acts as these concrete
data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your
trust and your own abilities, the fact that you've kind
of you are capable. Now the brain actively seeks and
reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time
(08:00):
you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others,
the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your
brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments
and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of
managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created,
and that's really important because the more times you show
(08:21):
yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself
that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next,
we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of
course inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount
by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to
(08:42):
yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do,
it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess
the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors,
role models, even peers are so u in building confidence.
If you're abudding entrepreneur and you see someone from a
(09:06):
similar background successfully launch their business, it sends a really
powerful message like, if they can do it, maybe I
can too. This actually really explains why representation matters and
is so important for marginalized groups. There was a study
done in twenty sixteen in the UK and researchers asked
high achieving university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send
(09:30):
letters to students from similar backgrounds who were considering university
and just talk about their experience, talk about the fact
that it's possible. So there were over eleven thousand people
in this study and these letters were really positive. They
were like, shoot for the stars, you can do it.
Aim higher and the researchers tracked students application decisions and
(09:53):
found that there was a significant increase in applications to
more prestigious unis amongst the group that received the letters
versus groups that did not. So this isn't about blind imitation.
It's about seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated
by others, which then informs your own sense of possibility.
It's also why I think that we could do with
(10:15):
more admiration in this society. Instead of being jealous of
people who are have what you want, or have the
life that you want, or who are doing better than you,
these people can actors basically proof that your dreams, maybe
you aren't even that aren't big enough. Because this person
has managed to do it, therefore you can too. There
is a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be
(10:37):
acquired through observation in a really significant way. The third
way we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So
it's not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged
by people who you admire, having people like a coach,
a parent, a teacher, a friend, someone that can say
(10:59):
you're doing a good job. You are capable of doing
this positive feedback. It's truly so motivational because we really
do like external validation secretly but also not secretly. And
so if you have someone who you admire who was
saying like, wow, you really are getting better and you're
improving and you're doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more.
(11:21):
You're prepared to fail more in some circumstances, at least
because you have this weird desire within you to succeed more,
and you kind of put yourself you kind of face
opportunities more often, You put yourself on the path for
success more often, even though you know that failure might
be a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in
(11:43):
those moments when you do fail, because you have this
strong sense of someone else believes in me, despite missed opportunities,
despite moments of ill confidence. Therefore I can believe in myself.
There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can
really make us feel terrible about ourselves, from parents who
(12:05):
are dismissive to childhood bullies.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
You know.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
I remember I had a teacher once who was really
really mean to me, and I was like, why do
you have beef with me? Like I'm literally seven years old?
And I felt really like I remember feeling really bad
about myself and not wanting to try and not wanting
to speak up. Discouragement is equally as powerful as encouragement.
That is why it is so important to surround yourself
(12:28):
with good people. It may be hard to go up
against this if you've had, you know, a family who
was really awful, or if you were bullied, or if
you do feel like your environment is really what made
you the way you were, and it's hard to escape.
But the older you get, you do have choices to
be around people who will care about you, who will
(12:49):
elevate you, who will encourage you. You know, if your
friends are secretly trying to tear you down or if
you are constantly listening to what people on a saying
that is mean or cruel. If you let the words
of your family members really invade your mindset confidence, it
will be harder to obtain. Luckily, we have one final
(13:11):
source of self efficacy to talk about, and that's our
ability to manage our own emotional reaction to stress. It's
our physiological and emotional states, our mood, our stress levels
that can profoundly influence how we judge our potential for success.
If you're feeling calm, energized and physically prepared for a task,
(13:34):
you will believe in yourself more than if you went
to bed super late, or if you have had too
much coffee or you're hungry. These choices matter, and these
are choices that you have control over. Basically, how you
approach stress, how you learn to relate to your emotions,
how you physically prepare yourself is a factor in whether
you feel capable. But that also means that we can
(13:57):
create routines and patterns and additions that we know will
make us feel confident and good as a way to
prepare us and counteract negative emotional states that kind of
come with doing new things or being in front of
new people. So when you understand these four sources, it
becomes really clear right that confidence isn't an inherited trait.
(14:20):
If you consistently seek out opportunities for mastery, if you
observe others who are successful, if you go where you
are valued, if you learn how to manage your anxiety
and your physiological state, your self efficacy and therefore your
confidence will likely grow. It is important here to talk
about the fact that although confidence isn't inherited, it is,
(14:45):
you know, really quite deeply influenced by how you were
raised and who you grew up around. You know, if
you again had parents who are deeply discouraging, if you
grew up in poverty, if you grew up with you know,
mentors or teachers or no examples of success, you are
starting from a harder point. And we have to be
(15:07):
completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring those disadvantages.
I would not be doing my job if I sat
here and said everyone starts from zero and starts at
the same starting point, you know what I mean, and
everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because it's
just not the case. But what I'm really trying to
say is that it is possible. So it's not like
(15:29):
if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed. If
you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk down
to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself, these
are things that can actually be undone. They were done
to you. That means that they have kind of like
a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do upon
(15:50):
you that you can do upon yourself, not to reverse
those things and to reverse those experiences, but to integrate
them and say that you are more than them. We're
going to talk a little bit more about that later on,
but I think it's an important caveat to add here.
Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also
talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the
(16:11):
conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to
understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident,
you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is
a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best who discovered
that there are two and really only two fundamental mindsets
(16:33):
we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've
probably heard of them before. You can either have a
fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset
believes that they're basic abilities. Their intelligence, their confidence, These
are static traits. They are what they are. They were
(16:56):
born that way. There's little that can be done to
change them. If you're good at math, it's because you
were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence,
it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you
can change. There's nothing you do to change that. This
kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to
sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way.
(17:18):
And so what that means is that when you face obstacles,
when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence
levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like
you can change them. You feel like you are always
going to be this way. In contrast, a person with
a growth mindset believes in themselves but also believes that
(17:41):
their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and
hard work and practice and your brain, talent, personality, those
are just starting points. In other words, they have what
we call an internal locus of control. They believe in
their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome,
(18:03):
but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe
I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing,
I am confident, you act that way. You know that
how you think about your situation and how you think
about yourself will influence what part what parts of yourself
(18:23):
grow and expand, and what parts you know ultimately shrink.
The reality, of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of
already talked about this. You know, confidence is a skill.
It is something that comes from mindset. It isn't something
that you're born with, but there are other things that
we are born into that can make it harder. What
(18:44):
it's about discerning is really when your mindset can trump
those things and when it cannot, And that's when having
a formula for confidence, or having skills and things in
like your toolbox really helps because instead of just feeling
paralyzed by situations, you do have options to try out
(19:05):
to kind of counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety,
counteract your social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your
belief that you don't deserve to be there. So that
really leads to the biggest question that we have today.
How do we do that. I'm not just gonna leave
you guys here without some practical tips, including the formulas
(19:25):
of some of the most confident people in the world,
how you can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable,
completely yourself. That's what we're going to explore after this shortbreak.
Confidence is truly a mental game, and the good thing
about that is that if you have the right mental strategies,
(19:48):
you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply
them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you,
these strategies are coming with you as well. So the
first part of our mindset that we want to target
it are the deeper beliefs that we have that we
don't deserve to be confident at all, or that people
will always be able to see through us, They will
(20:09):
always see us as a fraud, they will always know
we're faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least
I call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects
of your confidence and of your self belief. So I
do need you to become aware of your confidence blockers,
or your inner critics. What is your inner critics' favorite
(20:33):
catchphrase and favorite thing to tell you when you're putting
yourself out there or trying something new, probably something along
the lines of you can't do this, You're definitely going
to mess it up. Everyone's going to know that you're
a fraud. Everyone's going to see you fail. Not true firstly,
but when those self defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then
(20:55):
begin to question them, is that thought truly one hundred
percent accurate? Like what concrete evidence do you actually have
for that? And what evidence do you have against it?
You can fight back. You know, your inner critic isn't
the only one with a voice. You're in a cheerleader
also has something to say, and they can say it louder,
(21:16):
they can freakin scream it. You get to choose what
you want to believe about the future and about where
you sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet.
So as much as your in a critic wants you
to believe that you're going to fail and you're going
to embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no
more idea than you're in a cheerleader who thinks that
you're going to do absolutely amazing. So every time you
(21:39):
encounter a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well,
this series of martras, I'm magnetic. People flock to me.
My energy. It opens doors before I arrive. I move
through this space, steady and prepared. I am calm, I
am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident.
(22:00):
Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports
you and elevates you, and which capture you and you
know entro all you. I need you to be ready
to kind of like throw them at your owner critic.
I kind of think of it as like throwing balls
of sunshine, and like each time a ball of sunshine
like hits your like the shadow of your inner critic,
(22:21):
Like it gets smaller and smaller, and like parts of
it like dissolve away, whatever makes it visual for you.
Positive self talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and
your brain have a two way relationship. You are what
you tell your brain. You become the words and the
sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind
of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of
(22:45):
this is that the language that we use towards ourselves
and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking
but actually shapes how we think. So if you are
constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may
literally narrow how you see the world and how you
see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language,
(23:07):
confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency
and you broaden your sense of the world. If you
say to yourself and sorry, I'm going to sound so
repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point.
If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment.
I will be an image of confidence and power that
(23:28):
creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, which we know
is a psychologically proven and relevant concept because the expectations
you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in
subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I
also want you to sincerely ask yourself, right now, why
(23:49):
don't you deserve to be confident? Let's put on our
investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this
is who I am? Who made me feel small? Who
told me that I should shrink and that this is
where I belong and I should be silent and more importantly,
what makes them right? Seriously, like, what evidence do they have?
(24:11):
Are they like the head of some accredited committee. Have
they been ordained to be able to do this? Do
they have some degree or some authority? And who's allowed
to be confident? And who doesn't? No, they literally don't.
They just have an opinion, and you can have a
better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate
(24:32):
because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're
a good person, you know you're thoughtful, you know you're smart,
you know that you have things to say and that
you deserve success. You know that better than anyone because
you have to live with yourself every single day and
they don't. So you can choose to disagree not only
with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is parent,
(24:54):
family member, ex boyfriend, ex best friend who convince you
to be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident
mindset is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful, It's
why we talk about it so much. Visualize how you
want to enter a room before you enter it, and
(25:16):
you will enter the room that way. Visualize how you
want others to feel in your presence, and often they
will feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady, Visualize
the eye contact you'll make, Visualize your posture, Visualize your power.
There are a few exercises to make this easier. One
I have spoken about before many times called the golden
(25:37):
Orb theory. This is the one that I personally use.
If you have ever met me at like a meetup,
or like on my book tour or at a live event,
I promise you that I have been doing this when
you have met me. This is what happens I before
I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden
(25:59):
orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there we're visualizing,
but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball
of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe
out as I step into this room and expands and
expands and expands, and any time I make eye contact
with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more.
(26:20):
And this ball, this orb just gets bigger and bigger
and bigger, so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes
into contact with it, immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied
to me, immediately feels you know, good around me immediately
feels like their best self, and I feel like my
best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that
(26:42):
I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously
I don't, but I do get to control my own
perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange,
but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident, it's
not that you don't know that you can handle yourself.
It's that you're overly worried with how other people are
going to perceive you. So if you give yourself the
illusion that you can change their perception, suddenly nothing else
(27:04):
really matters, and you feel the ability to be authentic
and natural. And that's what this kind of activity and
exercise really does for me. There's another one. It's known
as the golden thread trick. Golden or theory golden thread trick,
you're seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a
golden thread pulling from the top of your head into
the sky. Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you, and
(27:27):
it's making sure that you take up space. It's not
gonna let you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink.
It wants you to be present, and you have like
the permission from this golden string, this thing way up high,
going into the cosmos and beyond, to be here and
to be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it.
There's also the very famous act as if technique, the
(27:52):
act as if technique. It's a psychological strategy that involves
behaving as if you already are the version of your
self you want to become. Confidence, secure, successful, grounded. You
are already those things, even if you don't fully feel
it yet. We talked about modeling before, and modeling really
asks you to look at someone else who has what
you have and to kind of emulate them. You can
(28:15):
also kind of emulate yourself as well, right like you
can emulate a version of yourself that you think is
incredible and who you want to become, and who you
can so clearly visualize. It's not about faking it. It's
about rehearsing the reality that you're stepping into, and over time,
the gap between who you are and who you're acting
(28:37):
as if begins to close, and so you feel like
that version of you is real. It's like method acting,
almost method acting for a future version of you that
you want to become. Also not to bring up modeling again,
but if it's too hard to fake it, you don't
have to. You can also borrow your confidence. You can
(28:58):
borrow other people's innate abilities that you can borrow their
sense of satisfaction and pride in themselves. When you see
someone that you really admire, think about the coolest person
you know, like the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational
person you know. Think about everything that they would do
in this situation that you're scared to be and how
(29:19):
would they hold themselves, how would they walk in, how
would they speak, how would they communicate, how would they be?
Think about that, take it all and pretend that that's
you borrow what they have. There was a study that
I read from twenty twenty one that actually looked at
how this is used to help train the confidence of
(29:39):
young Olympic athletes or Olympic hopefuls. And there was a
study done in Korea, and the researchers basically asked their participants,
who were people who would probably one day be in
the Olympics, to borrow their confidence from someone they admired.
They were paired with an older team member or an
older Olympic hopeful or an Olympian even at that and
(30:02):
they were asked to think about them before they started
swimming or dove off the diving board, or did whatever
sport they were doing. Think about them, think about what
they would do, think about how they would stand. And
their self efficacy, which we know is a crucial ingredient, increased.
Not only did their self efficacy increase, they were also
(30:24):
better able to really shift into a flow state. They
were better able to cut through the noise of their
own insecurity or their lack of self belief and just
be present in what they were doing. So just choose
someone you admire borrow what they have. Another step to
mastering confidence and really building this skill like a muscle,
is putting yourself in situations where you can prove to
(30:47):
yourself you can cope, you can win, you can show up,
you can be successful. Basically, find ways to experience small
boosts to your confidence like those mastery experience. As we
were talking about before, a lot of building confidence is
actually exposure. Like anything, if you have a social phobia,
like how they treat most phobias as exposures. If you
(31:08):
have a social phobia or any kind of anxiety around
specifically being around people. What someone is probably going to
ask you, what a therapist is probably going to get
you to do, is to be in those spaces that
terrify you the most as much as possible. If you
are terrified of dating, you have to go on ten
first dates to win the challenge. If you're scared of
(31:29):
meeting strangers, you have to go to all these stranger events.
If you're scared of giving presentations, you have to volunteer
to do them. No skill, ever, is built simply by
thinking about it. It's built through practice, It's built through stretching,
pushing yourself. And you know what, that's really scary. It's
(31:51):
really freaking scary. It's also the only way to do it,
I'm sorry to say. And then one day, not too
long in the future, you'll suddenly you find yourself being
the person who is no longer at the beginning of
the story, but you know, halfway through it, who was
able to turn around and say, I used to be
someone who really struggled with this. I used to be
someone who didn't want a date, who didn't want to
(32:12):
put myself out there, who didn't want to wear these clothes.
And now I'm a success story because I put in
the work. Finally, really consciously focus on your sphere of control.
This is like the practical, everyday application of cultivating a
growth mindset and a strong locus of control. When you
(32:34):
find yourself facing a challenge or a daunting situation or decision,
you have to really ask yourself what parts of this
can I genuinely do something about and what parts do
I just have to accept or lean into. Then critically
direct your energy and your effort solely towards the things
you can influence. Your preparation, your effort, your belief. You're
(32:57):
learning your attitude, how you choose to adapt, rather than
wasting precious time and energy on things that are never
going to be something you can change even if you
try your hardest. One huge example of something you can't control,
and this might surprise you, it's what other people choose
to think of you. You may be thinking like, oh, wait,
(33:18):
what the heck, Like, isn't that all we've been talking about?
Like all those exercises that you just told us, Like,
wasn't that to control or influence what other people think? No,
those aren't meant to change what they think. They're meant
to change what you think. They're meant to change how
you think about yourself. That is way more powerful than
ever trying to change other people think of you. They're
(33:39):
going to follow your example. How you think about yourself
is how other people will often end up thinking about you.
People can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's
also not your business. You just can't control it, and
you will go mad trying to, because trust me, there
will always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone,
(34:01):
no matter who they are. I think we've all been
on the internet long enough to know this, right you know,
literally think about like the coolest person on this planet,
like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell
you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't
like that person. There is someone out there who could
sit down with this person and have a big, in
(34:21):
depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only
came from people liking you, no one would ever be
confident because everyone there is a hater for everyone out there.
So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall
that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel.
What do you want from a situation? How do you
(34:42):
want to leave feeling. Remember, people that are confident, they're
not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They
are often people who can admit when they're not great
at things, they can ask for help. They also know
that there will be people who don't like them, but
they know what's to their control, which is their mindset. Okay,
(35:03):
we are going to take another short break, but when
we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas
all about confidence, so please stay with us. We will
be right back after this short break. Welcome back, everybody.
We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously,
(35:26):
the listeners. If you want to be able to partake
in this section of the podcast, make sure you are
following us at that Psychology podcast over on Instagram so
that you can see when I put up question boxes
for new episodes. Questions for this week, so good. Thank
you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow,
(35:48):
I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you
for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it.
This question, in some form or another, was probably the
most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident,
I will come off as cocky in work situations and beyond,
where is the line? So many of you wanted to
(36:11):
know this, Where is the line between being confident and
arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question.
I think the fact that you are already aware of
this possibility means that you are probably self correcting too
much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually
be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself
(36:31):
more than you deserve to. We want to find an
authentic way of expressing confidence, right, and so what's important
to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't
think about others for a second. When you are truly confident,
you probably feel very calm. You feel alert, you feel grounded.
When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense. You feel anxious,
(36:52):
you feel like you have something to prove, You feel forceful.
Learn to tell the two apart, and to just stay
in the first. When you are authentically confident, that comes
off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off amazingly.
When you are anxious is when you actually end up
being arrogant. So as long as you can tell the difference,
(37:13):
I think you're pretty safe. I will also say I
hate the word cocky they're especially when it's used towards
others to put them down, Like there are very, very
very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky, and
yet people use that word to really keep other people
small because it benefits them to do so, or because
they think that they should get to being in control
(37:34):
of how people act when it's none of their business.
Often it is just a projection of how they think
they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should
act because they've chosen to do it. But they don't
really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry
less about being seen as cocky and more about what
feels right for you to share, what feels right for
(37:56):
you to open up about what you want to say,
how you want to act, how you feel in a situation.
If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt
yourself or question yourself, and say things that genuinely feel
true and meaningful, that is coming from a deep place.
And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that
it's not your intention, and that's really the only explanation
(38:17):
you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as
arrogant or conceded. You are actually the person that I'd
probably be worried least about, because you have self awareness
and I don't think that truly arrogant people do, so
you should be okay. Second question, another freakin' banger. Why
do we feel less confident in a group of very
(38:38):
confident people? I think there are a few explanations.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Maybe.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space
to take up, less kind of like breathing room, because
everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably
also triggers a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these
people have real reasons to be confident, Like these people
really look like they believe in themselves. I don't. I'm
just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic. Mine feels fake.
(39:07):
That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological
side to things, which is a bit more complex. But
we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of
highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but
also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply
social animals. That's encoded into our neurobiology and from an
(39:28):
evolutionary standpoint, entering a groupment having to be able to
subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order, So
like who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with,
who feels like a friend. High confidence and high confident
people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech.
(39:48):
They feel like they are leaders, and so our brain
has to readjust where we sit, and that may interpret
things as a challenge to our social standing, even if
it's not. Because we have these ancient brains. In a
modern setting, you know, there isn't just one person who's
always in charge. There isn't just one leader who will
dominate over others. There is more space. The important thing
(40:10):
to also remember is that truly confident people, they are
the ones who want others to thrive and they want
to elevate you. Confident people have actually been shown to
judge others less, and they spend more time assessing themselves
compared to other people. So actually, in a room full
of confident people, you are probably the safest you will
(40:31):
ever be from judgment. So actually this is where you
should feel free to be allowed take risks, tell stories,
be who you want to be authentically. If they judge you,
that's something they have to address, not you. Next question,
does being delusional actually help in elevating confidence? Yes, yes,
(40:53):
being delusional can make you more confident. It's again the
language and the way that you're speaking to yourself. It
relates to that self fulfilling prophecy that we kind of
talked about before. If you, you know, feel like you
can be something, if you just so deeply believe it,
chances are that you're more likely to act in a
way that will make that happen. Kind of relating to
(41:18):
the first question, though, there is a fine line here
between delusion and narcissism, and also delusion and actually putting
in the work, like confidence is a skill, not a trait.
That's the title of the episode. Skills require work. So
saying like this is going to happen to me, this
is going to happen for me. All great things. You
should believe in yourself. You should believe in your dreams.
(41:41):
You also have to do something about them. You also
have to find a way to take all of that
really positive energy, like that's a great starting point and
make a plan. Be willing to initiate be willing to
put yourself out there, be willing to be cringe embarrassing fail.
That's what a really confident person would do. But yes,
being delusional one percent very helpful. Final question, how do
(42:05):
I feel confident in a physical feature I can't change?
I don't want to get surgery slash, I can't. So
how do I embrace if not truly learned to love
this part of me? I really relate to this. Yeah,
I really relate to this. For a long time. There
are things about myself that I really wanted to change.
I still do. Here's the thing. We were not meant
(42:28):
to be as conscious of our appearance as we are.
Appearance was not meant to be such an important factor
as it is in modern society, and so of course
it's really hard to love yourself when the thing a
lot of us feel judged for first and foremost is
by our looks. And it's not just that looks signal
attractiveness anymore, or fertility or whatever it was meant to.
(42:50):
It signals wealth, and it signals social standing, and it
signals all these other things that it's just like, making
it such a confusing thing to manage. Oh my god,
I saw this video the other day, And not to
judge this woman at all, but I saw this video
of this woman who had sperm, like what was it,
like fish sperm injected into her face, and I was
like that, I imagine telling someone like six thousand years
(43:15):
ago that that was something that was done like that
sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's like something that
people pay for to like stay young these days. And
it's just the culture that we live in. No wonder
everyone feels ugly, Like I don't know anyone who like
truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. There's always something
that an industry or a business or a brand is
(43:36):
going to try and make you feel insecure about. So
it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this was
a problem in the first place, and what do they
have to gain from making me feel bad? Often, you know,
our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very narrow ideals.
It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually not objective
(43:59):
at all. Also, just really start by softening the language.
Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special, from
embarrassing to mine to whatever word you want to use
that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't have
to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim for neutrality,
(44:21):
aim for something that's a little bit easier, and just
saying this part of me, it exists. I don't need
to shrink because of it. Also, how you look is
really the least interesting thing about you. And I know
I've said that so often, and I'm sorry if you've
heard it before, but if life was all about appearances,
it would be very boring. And beauty does fade, and
(44:42):
beauty becomes something that people can only talk about for
so long. So focus on the other areas of your
life where you feel naturally confident and work on expanding them,
work on thinking about them more, putting more time into
those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractive. It is something
(45:02):
we all live with, obviously and have to consider, and
we exist in a system where that does matter. I'm
not going to deny it. But how much do you
want it to matter? How much do you want it
to dictate the rest of your life. That's like a
big question that I think is very existential and that
you kind of have to answer for yourself. But I
wish you the best of luck, and know that I'm
there with you and I've had many a similar thought.
(45:26):
That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners.
I hope that this episode has given you something to
think about and given you something to apply to your
own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill,
not a trait, and with a skill, with any skill,
it's something that you can improve in whatever area of
your life you want to feel more like yourself and
(45:46):
more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips
in the comments below. If you have one that I
haven't mentioned, let's share it. What's the thing that you
do that is just so weird and wacky bit always
work and always makes you feel amazing, whether it's like
a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like, what
is it? I want to know? Make sure again you
(46:07):
are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast, and
that you share this episode with a friend, with a
family member, with a colleague who you think could benefit
from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like share all those things.
I always forget which order they're in, but you know,
the deal really helps the show grow, helps it reach
new people. Also puts a pile on my face if
(46:28):
that's something you may or may not want to do.
But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind, be
gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.