July 17, 2025 • 41 mins
"What makes someone “the one”? There is so much pressure tied into that question. Instead, it might be better to ask: how can we focus on recognising the key pillars of long-lasting, fulfilling love? In today’s episode, we explore some fundamental characteristics so you can discern whether they are “the one” for you, while also acknowledging that our soulmates are often built, rather than found.
We explore:
- Unpicking the “one” narrative
- The difference between initial spark and lasting connection
- Love as a mutual, ongoing choice
- The fundamental pillars of long lasting relationships - shared values, emotional proximity, and reciprocal effort
- The role of intuition vs anxiety
- The need for authenticity and growth within a partnership
If you’re feeling the pressure to pick the ‘right’ person, or want to learn about the fundamentals of deep connection, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra: https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=b6ad5d555c1940e0
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For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. "
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we
are diving into a question that I'm gonna almost guarantee
has probably come up for every single one of us
(00:47):
right now. Whether you're in a long term, stable, committed relationship,
whether you have just started dating someone new, you're single, now,
you're somewhere in between. The question is how do I
know whether this person is the one? How do I
know I'm in the right relationship? How do I know
and how will I know that someone is it for me?
(01:11):
It's a very i would say anxiety and using question
who we choose to be in a relationship with, is
you know, life defying? And even if you don't necessarily
believe in the idea of the one or you're skeptical
of the idea of a soulmate. There is still some
kind of irrational part of ourselves that really questions whether
(01:35):
we're going to find the perfect person for us, whether
that person is out there, and whether the person we're
with now is actually that person. How can I tell
that this is going to be forever? How do I
know if it's going to work out? Unfortunately, you know,
I can't really answer that question for you, but it
is a big one that comes up not just throughout
(01:56):
our life.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
But especially in our twenties. Can be very natural to
have doubts during this decade. You know, you are so young,
and there are so many people out there, and you're
constantly being told that and so if the person that
you're with right now isn't the one, well, you do
kind of want to know now so you don't waste
either of your time. You want to know that you
so that you can kind of explore what else is
(02:17):
out there, maybe you can meet someone on a deeper level,
or you know, just in general avoid regret of choosing
the wrong person. So, because there is a lot of
anxiety around this and also a lot of questions around
what makes a relationship good, let's unpack this together. Like
I said, I can't necessarily give you a magic formula
because love is not that simple. But I do want
(02:40):
to explore the idea of the one from a more
psychological standpoint. Is it fact or fiction? How can we tell?
But also I want to explain why expert after expert
will tell you that love is more than just a spark.
It is about hard work, It is about compatibility. And
you know, when I was younger, I used to hate
(03:03):
that idea, Like, honestly, I would be scared by that
idea that love had to be work, because I was
like everything else in life seems to be work. Surely
love gets a pass. But you know, the older I've gotten,
the more I've found this idea quite comforting and actually
really special, the idea of choosing to be with someone
rather than it just always being seamless and someone dropping
(03:26):
right into your lap, in it working. I honestly find
that the work component of it is a lot more meaningful.
But there are definitely there is definitely a point where
the work, Like, you can't just turn anyone into your soulmate.
There are some critical ingredients that a relationship needs, that
someone needs to have in order to be not just
the one, but the right kind of one for you.
(03:49):
So we're going to explore those five crucial signs, as
well as seven questions you can ask yourself right now,
at this very moment to determine whether this relationship is
right for you. Without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's
get into it. Let's kick things off by kind of
(04:12):
dismantling this idea of the one Let's talk through this
one narrative, you know, the notion of a singular predestined soulmate.
It's very captivating because a it's like incredibly romantic and
b And it might not seem this way, but it's
also rather simple, takes a lot of the leg work
out of things. You know, there is this idea that
(04:34):
when you meet the right person, you'll just know it
will click, it will work, you'll be together forever. There's
no need to keep searching, there's no need to wonder
what if. But here's a bit of a reality check.
I think clinging too tightly to this, you know, a
beautiful idea. But clinging too tightly to this idea can
actually be rather counterproductive. Why because it fosters a rather
(04:58):
passive approach to love. It kind of suggests that your
main job is just to discover this person rather than
to actively cultivate a relationship or to discover yourself and
what you want, or be picky. It also, you know,
as a secondary consequence, place is a very impossible burden
on one individual to fulfill all your needs, all your expectations,
(05:22):
and it means that the moment that difficulties arise in
a relationship, which they inevitably will, it can really cause
us to question whether this person is the right person.
Because if we have been told since we were children
that love is just easy and it's effortless, and suddenly
it's not, well, then that kind of challenges the idea
(05:43):
and it challenges our sense of stability. Beyond that, I
do also think that the pressure to find the one
definitely contributes to a lot of stigma around being single.
It contributes to a sense that if you're single, you
have somehow failed to you know, comp this mission and
complete your goal. And it's also this cultural script that
(06:04):
we see time and time again that you cannot be
happy and your life cannot begin until you have found
the other person that was put on this planet to
meet you where you're at. And I don't even think
I need to get into how restrictive that is and
also how completely incorrect it is as well, this idea
(06:24):
that once that person, what happens if they you know,
they die, Like, great, You're you're going to live a
miserable life for the rest of your life. That's not true.
You know, people meet the people they think of soulmates,
they pass away, they meet other people who are brilliant,
like there are so many examples of having multiple people
who can fulfill you. But this narrative of the one
(06:46):
of a soulmate can create a very intense, often debilitating pressure.
It can lead to feelings of inadequacy. I actually think
it can put more stress on a relationship. And our
lives are stressful enough as it is. We don't need
that added pressure off when we first meet someone. And
in fact, thinking that you will be able to tell
(07:06):
everything you need to know about someone from that first
spark and that first meeting is actually probably causing you
to see someone through a very narrow lens. In fact,
two thousand and five study from Harvard it's one of
my favorite studies of all time. It was one of
the first to actually use fMRI techniques. To see what
love looked like in the brain. This study found that
(07:30):
the most primitive parts of this organ of our brain
are actually involved in that initial attraction, and those primitive
parts of our brain are influenced by such an intoxicating
combination of neurotransmitters, probably the most intoxicating combination you could find.
When you first meet someone and you have the spark,
and you have the romance and the attraction, you were
(07:52):
getting hit with dopamine, you were getting hit with adrenaline,
with corsoal, with vacupressant, with oxytocin, all of which cause
you to behave and think in ways that you wouldn't normally.
So not only are you feeling a lot of really
positive feelings, but also all of these hormones and all
of these neurotransmitters are also at times deactivating the neural
(08:16):
pathways responsible for social judgment, meaning that you can't actually
assess someone clearly. All those critical all the neural machinery
that you need to make critical assessments of other people
is essentially being silenced. It's being kind of suffocated by
the noise of the attraction. And it's why the phrase
(08:37):
love is blind holds so much truth. When we are
only looking for a spark, we are looking at someone
through a very restrictive lens. It means that we can't
see them clearly. It also means that there may be
other people sitting outside of that lens that we can't
see at all. There is an amazing book that I
(08:58):
recommend to almost everyone, which is the Science of Happily
ever After. And in it, the author doctor Tie T. Shiro.
He's a psychologist. He's an expert in interpersonal relationships. He
points out that passion and chemistry they get all the
attention because they're glamorous and it's flashy and it's beautiful.
(09:18):
But throughout all of his research in long term research
trials treits like agreeableness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, things that might
not show up on a first date, they are actually
far more robust predictors of long term relationship happiness. So
let's reframe. Instead of this cosmic lottery ticket where you
(09:39):
find the one, let's just consider the possibility that someone
becomes the one. Someone becomes the one through shared experiences,
through mutual effort, and through a dedication to an evolving connection.
All consider the idea that there are actually many people
who could be the one or the right kind of
(10:01):
one for you. The benefit of having this perspective in
our twenties particularly, I think is threefold. Firstly, it stops
us from thinking that love is rare, and that means
that we are going to be less restricted by a
scarcity mindset in dating. We're going to be less restricted
by this idea that we need to like we need
(10:23):
to find someone right now, like there is someone out
there and we are in a race against time to
find them. That's not a healthy approach to finding love,
especially in a decade where love should be an addition
and never something that feels restrictive. Secondly, I think it
also takes us from being quite passive to being active
(10:44):
in the quest for love. You know, you aren't just
expecting someone to drop into your lap fully formed. You
are looking for a co pilot, and a copilot needs
to be interviewed. They need to be tested, they need
to prove themselves. If you are choosing a life partner,
especially in your twenties, when you are like an adult toddler,
this person is going to hopefully be with you for
(11:04):
a very long time. They are perhaps going to raise children,
with you. They're going to make financial decisions with you.
They're going to see you through major grief and job
insecurity and moving house when it's just like when you've
got a cold, like they're going to see you through
the worst things ever. You need a good co pilot.
You need someone who's like willing to perform, not just
(11:25):
someone who makes you feel gouwy inside. We want both.
And finally, I think the reason that this perspective is
so healthy is that it allows you to value commitment
just as much as you value chemistry, meaning you're also
able to let go of bonds that aren't right for you.
(11:46):
We've all had that feeling of meeting someone where yes,
you do magically click with someone and it's sensational and
you are talking all night and you are telling your
friends about them, and you think that you've found the one,
but they're not ready. They they're not ready for commitment.
If we believe that there is only one person for us,
we will continue to pursue that person and hold on
(12:08):
tightly to the possibility of this person even when it hurts,
and even when it gets in the way of a
more healthy connection. But when you see love as an equation,
an equation that also requires reciprocity, shared values, commitment, hard work.
It's a lot easier for you to let that person
go and to kind of carry on with your life. Now.
(12:31):
I know this might not be, you know, the romantic
take that you are expecting, but I will say, just
because personally, I don't think that there is one soulmate
of one person for each of us, does not mean
that you can just pick up anybody on the street
and turn them into the love of your life. That
is not what I am arguing for. There are still
some very critical things needed to make a relationship work,
(12:54):
and some very deep emotional compatibility factors that will determine
the long term success of your relationship. And these are
things that you can actually begin to notice very early on.
And yet when we look at couples who end up
breaking up versus the ones who stay together, we see
that those same things that you could have noticed at
(13:15):
month zero or month three are the ones that cause
them to divorce and break up. So we want to
talk about these factors. I've been teasing this for the
whole start fifteen minutes of this episode. Let's talk about
those five signs that someone is right for you. The
first critical sign is that they are excited about your
(13:35):
life and you are excited about their life, not just
in the early days, but when things do become more monotonous.
We've already explained how you know, in the early days
you're attracted to someone is naturally heightened. That's maybe one
word for it. You're obsessed with them. Basically, during those
early periods, you are naturally excited by the novelty of
this person, and they just contain all of this newness.
(13:57):
You know, new stories, new interests, new traits. There's new
people in your life that come in the door with them.
That newness is really what defines the honeymoon period. The
honeymoon period of like bliss where there's no conflict, there's
no fighting, everyone's really happy. All you do is like
just talk and just like make out and just do
(14:18):
fun things that only lasts like six to eighteen months.
Like neurologically, people will say, oh, you know, our honeymoon
period never ended. It did. Like the way your brain,
you know, thinks about this person and reacts to them
and interprets them does change. But what takes over is
(14:39):
something deeper, and when the honeymoon period is over is
when you do start to see a change in the relationship,
and it's when the relationship either grows or breaks apart.
And what determines what category or what road you're going
to go down is something's so small you might not
even notice it. It's called bids for attention. So this
(15:02):
is a concept that was highlighted by psychologists Julie and
John Gotman. They're a couple. They are basically like the
leading experts in relationship stability. They founded a lab. It's
called the Love Lab. Great name would have been great
for like a bar as well, or even a podcast.
Love Lab so cute, and it's one of the first
couples therapy clinics that was opened in Washington in the eighties.
(15:25):
Julian and John Gotman, they literally created the idea of
a healthy relationship. Like you know, they were not the
first ones to have a healthy relationship, but they were
the first ones to label it, to want to know
what it looked like from the inside, and to really
like try and convince people that it was something they
could obtain and something that was important to understand. And
(15:45):
they discovered these bids for connection and they're really what
defined the relationships that lasted in the couples that they
saw and the ones that didn't. For example, imagine you
come home from work one day and you say to
your partner, oh my god, Becky from work was just
so annoying. She's so annoying, and your partner goes, oh,
(16:06):
it's Obama, that's all they say. You can feel a
little bit rejected. You're gonna feel a little bit silenced
in that moment right now. Instead imagine if they said, oh,
not again, like what's she up to this time? Tell
me all about it? Like what was your boss saying?
What was she doing? This kind of response is basically
saying I hear you, I see you. I'm excited about
(16:27):
your life. And in those moments, that person is turning
towards you, not just with their body, but with their reaction,
they're inviting you closer. In couples who remain together and
not just together, but together and happy, they turn towards
each other's bids for connection at a significantly higher rate
(16:50):
compared to those who eventually separate. So the couples who
stay together they match eighty six percent or meet eighty
six percent of these bids for connections compared to couples
who separate at thirty three percent. How you respond to
your partner's every day attempts to engage, whether it's a
comment about their day or a shared observation. It's really important.
(17:12):
Even if what they're saying isn't the most exciting thing,
you should be excited by the fact that they're the
ones saying it. Then that's our first question to really
determine if you're with the right kind of one for you.
Are you, at the end of the day interested in
their life and are they interested in yours. The next
sign is something that we kind of, I would say,
(17:35):
brush over a lot, but could end up being kind
of like the undoing of a relationship if we aren't careful.
It's values, and not just values in terms of religious
beliefs or having the exact same kind of personality. It's
deeper than that. It's do you see the world in
a similar way to me? Do you have the same
idea of love, the same idea of a good life,
(17:57):
the same ideas of justice and fairness and kindness and
work ethic. Those are really critical. Now, obviously you know
you aren't going to go on a first date and
immediately like sit down and ask someone, so, who did
you vote for? Or do you want kids? Or what's
the biggest issue facing humanity? If you want to though,
(18:18):
go ahead, like, I would love to know if you
do that, what their answers are. But it's about being
aware of the fact that values and your moral standpoints
are just as important as hobbies, similarities, attraction, all of
those things. And I'm going to tell you why.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
So.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
A twenty sixteen study basically found that a lack of
shared beliefs between a couple increased the risk of divorce
by almost nineteen percent. That's a lot of percents, nineteen
of them. Like that, I'm not betting on those chances.
An even more recent study that was actually conducted this
year twenty twenty five. It looked at over three hundred
(18:56):
married couples and it asked them to rate their own
value values, rate their spouse's values, and how satisfied they
were at the end of the day in their marriage.
Those who not only shared each other's values, but contributed
to how they were expressed in the other person, i e.
They gave them opportunities to be generous, they gave them
(19:17):
opportunities to be creative, to be a leader. They were
much happier in that relationship. This phenomena that we have
been describing it has a name. It's called value congruence theory.
When two people share similar values, they are more likely
to make similar decisions, and therefore they are less likely
to resent the other person. That resentment is really just
(19:41):
fuel for conflict, for arguments, for deep moral and personal tension,
so you're avoiding a whole lot of that. The question
that I think gets straight to the heart of this.
I think it's an incredible litmus test if you're kind
of at like a fork in the road with your relationship.
If you were suddenly in a coma for two years,
(20:03):
would you be happy for your partner to run your
life for you? Would you trust their decisions? If you
want to have kids as well. I know this question
might not be for everyone, but if kids are on
the cards for you, there's something that you want. You
can also apply this question to that future hypothetical as well.
Would this person be the kind of parent I would
(20:23):
want my kids to have.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Would they teach them.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
The values and the lessons that I think matter? It
is very easy in our twenties to not think about
these things very much. And you know what, I kind
of I get it, like relationships are meant to be
fun and passionate and spontaneous and in the moment. Sometimes
you don't bring up moral imperatives or moral questions or
(20:46):
big philosophical deep things, but they are things that you
can notice. And when you get serious about someone, you
also have to get serious about what drives them in life.
And also the fact that there are some things that
you cannot change about them, and you shouldn't have to
change either. Those values matter, find a way to discern them,
find a way to make sure that you are aligned. Okay,
(21:09):
my lovely listeners, we are going to take a short break.
But when we return, what are the three final signs
that they are the right kind of one for you?
And also, let's get to those seven questions that you
can ask yourself right now if you want to be
able to tell is this person right for me? So
stick around, we'll be right back after this short break.
(21:33):
Welcome back. Let's get straight into it. I don't know
about you, but I have heard a lot of couples
talk about how they don't really argue, you know, they
don't really fight. They haven't had a conflict in five
years of being together. Maybe people would come to me
for saying this, but I always think someone's lying in
the situation. Either you are lying to me or your partner,
(21:55):
or one of you is lying to the other one
about their true feelings. Because healthy couples and people who
are meant to be with you, like, they fight, and
they fight well. That's our third sign for today is
that when you're with the right person, miscommunications and arguments,
they aren't deal breakers. You don't shy away from them.
(22:17):
You also do it well, and you appreciate that they
are actually relationship expanders because in the occasional kind of
ugliness of disagreements, like you really get to see who
someone really is, and you get to learn so much
stuff about you know, things like their childhood. You get
to learn about their coping mechanisms. You get to learn
(22:39):
about how they see the world, how they deal with pain,
how they deal with discomfort. Like, there is so much
in that, let me explain. So being able to argue
well in a relationship is essential because conflict is not
only inevitable, it's also a sign of engagement, like a
version of those emotional bids that we talked about before.
(22:59):
Sometimes people try and get attention through starting conflicts, and
if another person can learn to deal with that and
understand where that's coming from, that can be a really
amazing way of knowing someone better. We're also going to
talk about those same researchers as we did before, doctor
Julie and John Gottman, and what they've had to say
about why conflict is such a predictor in their minds
(23:21):
of long term relationship success. So they have, like I said,
studied literally thousands of couples over the last decade, and
what they found when it comes to conflict is that
there are four different conflict or communication styles that will
destroy a relationship like almost as quickly as infidelity or
(23:43):
anything else. These are called the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Here's a crazy
number for you. These things can consistently predict divorce with
over ninety percent of an accuracy rate. So if you
(24:05):
have one of these things in your relationship, the Gotmans
and all their research say ninety percent of the time
we can link that to a divorce. Let's talk through
these four horsemen. The first is criticism. Criticism and a relationship.
It's more than just complaining. It is attacking the person,
not just the behavior. Instead of saying, like, if you
(24:26):
live with your partner, I'm upset that you didn't do
the dishes, it sounds like you're someone who is lazy,
and you're someone who doesn't clean up after themselves, and
you're someone who never helps out. So as soon as
you get into an argument, it's not about the problem
that you two are dealing with together. It's about the
other person and a flaw that they have, and how
(24:48):
is someone going to react to that. Immediately, they're going
to react with defensiveness or shame or sometimes like a
need to get back at you. That's the first one.
The second is contempt, and they say this is the
most destructive of all. It involves speaking from a place
of superiority, mocking, eye rolling, name calling, sarcasm, things that
(25:12):
display discuss, things that say to someone I'm better than you.
You know, you are crying and you're upset at your partner,
and they say, oh God, you look so pathetic. I
can't believe I have to explain this to you again,
Like this is like the twentieth time I've told you
you're so stupid. Now it's when I say that it's
(25:32):
the twentieth time I've told you. It's not that you
are genuinely like trying to bring up past grievances and
explain like we've talked about this before. It's like you
are angry at someone and you are willing to cut
them down for it, and you have resentment deep in
your bones that is coming out through conflict. So Gotman
found this. This is the single greatest predictor of divorce
(25:56):
because it erodes the most crucial part of a relationship,
which is third, we have defensiveness. Now, defensiveness is kind
of like it's actually self protective, but it can often
sound like blame shifting or denial. So instead of taking
responsibility for an action, or if you bring up a criticism,
(26:19):
instead of saying, yep, I fully own that, a defensive
partner might say like, it's not my fault that I've
done this, or you made me do this because of
this reason, or I only acted that way because you
provoked me. It escalates conflict because it invalidates the other
person's experiences and it avoids accountability and so often. What
(26:41):
this research says is that people who end up doing
this are actually people who are very much overly criticized
as children, and so they don't want to see that
criticism reflected in their relationship. But it means that when
it's a valid thing to bring up like they can't
They're tolerance for it is so low that they can't
even take that. So defensiveness is a third and the
(27:04):
final one is stonewalling, and this occurs when the other
partner just shuts down, goes silent, walks away completely emotionally
withdraws that they don't want to have it out with you.
I saw this thing the other day this I guess
it was a quote. It was in like a publication.
It basically said it was sorry. It was from a
(27:24):
relationship expert slash couple's counselor, and she said, the biggest
sign that I know a breakup or a divorce is
coming coming is when they don't even care about fighting anymore,
When the other person just completely taps out. They don't
even they don't see there being a reason and having
conflict if it's not addressed. These things ruin a relationship.
(27:45):
They ruin them on the other hand, couples who replace
these behaviors with empathy, who take responsibility, who are attuned
to each other deliberately, they tend to resolve conflict more successfully,
and it actually is something that they reflect back on
and say, Wow, they actually really deepened our emotional bond.
Can you argue, well, that's really the question here. It's
(28:08):
not about suppressing your anger. It's not about avoiding confrontation.
The healthiest couples they disagree just as much as unhappy ones.
The difference lies in their use of what we call
repair attempts. So they de escalate tension. They make a joke,
they express affection, they clarify misunderstandings in the middle of
(28:29):
the disagreement rather than afterwards. You know, if you accidentally,
like snap at your boyfriend in the car because you're
really frustrated or angry, but then you are the first
one to apologize, and you really do lean over and
you put your hand on his knee and you say,
I'm sorry, and I understand why I did that. Those
small moments are really powerful signals of emotional safety and
(28:50):
the powerful signals of someone not having ego in their relationship,
and that emotional safety especially is something that I think
and I wish we talked about just as much as
the spark, just as much as love at first sight
or butterflies, all those things are amazing, but feeling like
you always have a place to kind of come home to,
(29:12):
Like you could literally lay out everything on the table
and they wouldn't look away from it. That's like a
whole new level of intimacy. If you want to know
whether someone is the right one, have a fight. See
what happens. Okay, we're gonna go in like literally the
complete opposite direction now, like the furthest point left. If
we have fighting at one end, you have fun and
(29:34):
you have good times on the other. And this is
sign for life. Feels exciting with this person, even when
it is from the outside, very very boring. A soulmate,
whether it's a soulmate you've found, or a soulmate or
a soul connection that you've built brick by brick, someone
that you were in a relationship who is right for you,
(29:54):
they should ultimately make you feel lighter. And a big
part of that is humor and laughing and jokes and fun,
having mundane fun with your partner, doing stupid stuff at
the grocery store or giggling like kids before you go
to bed, that is a powerful psychological marker of long
term compatibility. I think the reason that it is so
(30:15):
powerful is that it shows that your connection isn't dependent
on really big moments and a lot of like flurry
and excitement. It's really grounded in shared presence and ease
and a natural sense of like childlike nature and play.
Small moments. That's really what it's based on. And surprise, surprise,
(30:39):
what is life made up of but small moments? And
so if your relationship can flow and thrive in that
natural ebb of the basic things you do every day,
like if your love is made up of small moments
the way that life is, I feel like it naturally
feels so much so much more stable and special and easy.
(31:02):
There's one study in particular that really captures the importance
of this, and I want to talk about it today.
It was conducted by the psychologist Arthur Aaron. Now you
might know him from his thirty six Questions to fall
in Love experiment. It's if you haven't heard of this. Basically,
he came up with these thirty six questions and he
(31:23):
posited that if you sat two people down in a
room and asked them to ask the other person these questions,
questions that got increasingly intimate. These two people could easily
he could make them fall in love. And there's a
very famous story that the first time he did this experiment,
literally two of the participants, who had never met each
other before, were married six months later, and it's become
(31:46):
like a bit of folklore. So he's basically the closest
thing that we have to a scientific matchmaker. And in
the early two thousands, he did this study on how
fun and novelty effects romantic satisfaction. So he got one
hundred and seventy eight couples. They answered like a newspaper ad,
and half of them were asked to engage in a
(32:07):
really novel, exciting activity. I think they did an obstacle
course together, and the other half did like a neutral
activity where they were just asked to sit and talk
to each other. Those who participated in the playful novel experience,
they reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction afterwards, not because of
the activity itself, but because it reignited a sense of
(32:30):
shared joy and shared spontaneity. What's fascinating, what's even more fascinating, actually,
I should say, is that follow up research showed even
mundane activities, if they were approached with a playful attitude,
had a similar effect on emotional closeness. You don't have
to go out and do an obstacle course, you don't
(32:51):
have to go out and do an extravagant date night.
Just bringing that playful energy to small moments is the
real powerful antidote or the real powerful substance here. It's
the shared emotional tone, not the setting, that I think
really makes the moment meaningful. And the deeper thing about
fun in particular, and why it's so beneficial for a
(33:13):
relationship and so indicative of whether someone is right for you,
is that it is protective. Fun is protective. It acts
as a shield, an emotional shield, even in bad times.
The average couple who is, let's say you're gonna be
together for twenty plus years, is going to go through
twenty plus really hard moments, death, grief, financial difficulties, job
(33:37):
and security, natural disasters, whatever it is, it's inevitable. Lingering
on those moments is what makes life really heavy, not
just the moments themselves. And the thing that fun and
play does is that it actually accentuates the positive things
in life, so that all the good stuff feels louder,
and it feels grander, and it feels more important than
(34:00):
negative things. And if you have a partner who can
bring that out, well, obviously your outlook on life is
going to be better. Your relationship is gonna thrive under
those conditions. There is this beautiful video that I saw
recently from an Australian couple. They've been married for sixty
seven years and they were being interviewed like on what's
the secret to their marriage, like everyone wants to know,
(34:20):
And I kid you not. In this video like they
are canodling, they are still totally in love, Like they
are talking about how the other person is everything to them,
and the wife said, the most important thing is to
have a sense of humor and if you don't have that,
don't even bother getting married. And that just really stuck
with me, Like life is meant to be fun. Love
(34:41):
is meant to be fun. If you're crying every day,
if you can't laugh with them, if it feels heavy,
that's gonna make your life heavy. So if someone is
right for you, they will bring joy, they will bring lightness,
they will bring laughter. Probably one of the easiest ways
to say, is this person going to make my life better?
(35:03):
So we are at our final point for today's episode.
The final sign that someone is the one and it
is as about as simple as the sun coming up.
The final sign is that you simply just admire them.
You just really admire this person. I was speaking to
my friend the other day about her husband, and I
(35:24):
was like, when did you know? When did you know
that you should marry him? She goes, I don't think
I ever knew, But every single day I wake up
and I just think he is the coolest person I've
ever met. And I was like, wow, that is such
a great way to put it. I think, honestly, the
best relationships I at least believe this are when both
(35:47):
people think the other person is out of their leak.
Both people think and the other person is better than
the other person. It brings obviously mutual respect, but also
like if you think the other person is like the
coolest person in the world, to steal my friend's words
or like just amazing, it's gonna constantly make you want
to be better for them, and want to show up
(36:07):
for them and want to keep winning them over throughout
the years. When we admire our partner as well, we
also see them as someone that we want to learn
from and we want to grow alongside. The psychologist Kyl Rogers,
he calls this unconditional positive regard, valuing someone for who
they are without trying to change them, and in a
healthy relationship, this admiration becomes reciprocal. When both partners feel
(36:30):
genuinely seen and respective for their strengths, it really makes
both people feel worthy. It makes the partnership feel better.
Mutual admiration also fosters something we refer to as idealization,
the tendency to see our partner in an idealized light,
not out of delusion, but as a motivational force. So
(36:50):
we can't idealize them to the point where you know
things about them that are actually terrible are invisible. We
want to idealize the parts of them that are amazing
in our minds become even more amazing. There was another
recent piece of research that found that partners who idealized
each other to a moderate degree, so seeing their partner
is slightly better than they saw themselves, they did actually
(37:13):
report greater relationship satisfaction over time. So this kind of
positive illusion. It's not naive, it's not silly. It's actually
a buffer. It's a buffer for the relationship against you know, disappointments,
against hard times, because we're consistently brought back to this
idea of their goodness and this idea of their potential.
(37:37):
And it also creates a really good feedback loop. You know,
if they believe that I'm great, I want to live
up to it, and so I will, and then you
think they're even more great, and you know, you see
where this is going. It's a positive upward spiral. So
with all that in mind, with all those amazing signs
that someone is the right kind of one for you,
I want to give you a final list of seven
(37:59):
questions to ask ask yourself when you find yourself facing
this anxiety inducing question. I know this question comes up
a lot for people who have relationship anxiety and relationship OCD,
and we've done a whole episode on that. I'm not
going to get into it, but sometimes you can logically
know that someone is absolutely perfect for you and amazing
and still feel this sense of doubt. And it doesn't
(38:22):
mean that you're a bad partner, and it doesn't mean
that you should break up with them, There's so much
other complex stuff going on underneath. I also think if
you're a bit of a perfectionist, you're really scared of
the idea of settling, or of something in your life
not being perfect in the moment and perfect in the future,
and that can cause you to look at your relationship
(38:43):
with a lens of such intense scrutiny that of course
you're going to find something bad with it. So in
those moments, ask yourself these seven questions, and I think
it will give you some clarity. Firstly, when you imagine
a life without them, do you feel relieved or do
you feel a sense of loss? Does a future with
them feel exciting or does it feel daunting? Do they
(39:06):
challenge me in a way that makes me want to
get better? Do they reciprocate my energy, my love, my effort.
Do I admire who they are, not just what they
do for me? Does our relationship feel light or does
it feel heavy? Would I trust this person to make
good decisions about my life on my behalf? Those are
(39:30):
our seven questions. I feel like it's a nice little
checklist to come back to if you needed it. But
as for today's episode, I hope you enjoyed it. I
hope that it's given you some clarity on whether you
are with the one, whether you are with the right
kind of one, if you don't necessarily believe in soulmates,
and some of the just beautiful, fascinating science behind what
(39:52):
makes love last, from couples who've been together for decades,
to the indicators that we can see from like the
first few months of a relationship that will tell you
is this good? Is this bad? Will this love grow?
Speaker 1 (40:05):
Will it fade?
Speaker 2 (40:06):
So I hope you have learned a lot. I certainly have.
I've been talking about this episode in my kind of
I guess findings all week to my friends, especially like
my friends who are just started dating people, and like
does he do this or does she do that? So
hopefully you can bring this knowledge into your own life
and scrutinize your own friends with that in mind, make
sure you send them this episode if you think that
(40:27):
they would get a kick out of it or you
think they would enjoy it. Make sure you are following
along on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening, and
give us a five star review. It really helps the
show to grow and to evolve. And if you have
made it this far, well, this is the secret club
that we have at the end of the episode where
(40:47):
if you make it to the end, you get an emochi,
so you can leave it in the comments below. I
think how emoji would just be a heart. Choose whatever
color you want, whatever whatever color is best representing your
love life at the moment. It color of heart. I
think that's like, let's do a little check in on
how everyone's feeling about love at the moment. But again,
thank you for listening. Make sure you're following us on Instagram.
(41:09):
I always forget what to say at the end of
the episodes, but yes, make sure you're following us on
Instagram at that Psychology podcast so you can know what
episodes are coming out next. Join the conversation even further,
send episodes suggestions my way, and we will be back
next week. Stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself.
We will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we
are diving into a question that I'm gonna almost guarantee
has probably come up for every single one of us
(00:47):
right now. Whether you're in a long term, stable, committed relationship,
whether you have just started dating someone new, you're single, now,
you're somewhere in between. The question is how do I
know whether this person is the one? How do I
know I'm in the right relationship? How do I know
and how will I know that someone is it for me?
(01:11):
It's a very i would say anxiety and using question
who we choose to be in a relationship with, is
you know, life defying? And even if you don't necessarily
believe in the idea of the one or you're skeptical
of the idea of a soulmate. There is still some
kind of irrational part of ourselves that really questions whether
(01:35):
we're going to find the perfect person for us, whether
that person is out there, and whether the person we're
with now is actually that person. How can I tell
that this is going to be forever? How do I
know if it's going to work out? Unfortunately, you know,
I can't really answer that question for you, but it
is a big one that comes up not just throughout
(01:56):
our life.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
But especially in our twenties. Can be very natural to
have doubts during this decade. You know, you are so young,
and there are so many people out there, and you're
constantly being told that and so if the person that
you're with right now isn't the one, well, you do
kind of want to know now so you don't waste
either of your time. You want to know that you
so that you can kind of explore what else is
(02:17):
out there, maybe you can meet someone on a deeper level,
or you know, just in general avoid regret of choosing
the wrong person. So, because there is a lot of
anxiety around this and also a lot of questions around
what makes a relationship good, let's unpack this together. Like
I said, I can't necessarily give you a magic formula
because love is not that simple. But I do want
(02:40):
to explore the idea of the one from a more
psychological standpoint. Is it fact or fiction? How can we tell?
But also I want to explain why expert after expert
will tell you that love is more than just a spark.
It is about hard work, It is about compatibility. And
you know, when I was younger, I used to hate
(03:03):
that idea, Like, honestly, I would be scared by that
idea that love had to be work, because I was
like everything else in life seems to be work. Surely
love gets a pass. But you know, the older I've gotten,
the more I've found this idea quite comforting and actually
really special, the idea of choosing to be with someone
rather than it just always being seamless and someone dropping
(03:26):
right into your lap, in it working. I honestly find
that the work component of it is a lot more meaningful.
But there are definitely there is definitely a point where
the work, Like, you can't just turn anyone into your soulmate.
There are some critical ingredients that a relationship needs, that
someone needs to have in order to be not just
the one, but the right kind of one for you.
(03:49):
So we're going to explore those five crucial signs, as
well as seven questions you can ask yourself right now,
at this very moment to determine whether this relationship is
right for you. Without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's
get into it. Let's kick things off by kind of
(04:12):
dismantling this idea of the one Let's talk through this
one narrative, you know, the notion of a singular predestined soulmate.
It's very captivating because a it's like incredibly romantic and
b And it might not seem this way, but it's
also rather simple, takes a lot of the leg work
out of things. You know, there is this idea that
(04:34):
when you meet the right person, you'll just know it
will click, it will work, you'll be together forever. There's
no need to keep searching, there's no need to wonder
what if. But here's a bit of a reality check.
I think clinging too tightly to this, you know, a
beautiful idea. But clinging too tightly to this idea can
actually be rather counterproductive. Why because it fosters a rather
(04:58):
passive approach to love. It kind of suggests that your
main job is just to discover this person rather than
to actively cultivate a relationship or to discover yourself and
what you want, or be picky. It also, you know,
as a secondary consequence, place is a very impossible burden
on one individual to fulfill all your needs, all your expectations,
(05:22):
and it means that the moment that difficulties arise in
a relationship, which they inevitably will, it can really cause
us to question whether this person is the right person.
Because if we have been told since we were children
that love is just easy and it's effortless, and suddenly
it's not, well, then that kind of challenges the idea
(05:43):
and it challenges our sense of stability. Beyond that, I
do also think that the pressure to find the one
definitely contributes to a lot of stigma around being single.
It contributes to a sense that if you're single, you
have somehow failed to you know, comp this mission and
complete your goal. And it's also this cultural script that
(06:04):
we see time and time again that you cannot be
happy and your life cannot begin until you have found
the other person that was put on this planet to
meet you where you're at. And I don't even think
I need to get into how restrictive that is and
also how completely incorrect it is as well, this idea
(06:24):
that once that person, what happens if they you know,
they die, Like, great, You're you're going to live a
miserable life for the rest of your life. That's not true.
You know, people meet the people they think of soulmates,
they pass away, they meet other people who are brilliant,
like there are so many examples of having multiple people
who can fulfill you. But this narrative of the one
(06:46):
of a soulmate can create a very intense, often debilitating pressure.
It can lead to feelings of inadequacy. I actually think
it can put more stress on a relationship. And our
lives are stressful enough as it is. We don't need
that added pressure off when we first meet someone. And
in fact, thinking that you will be able to tell
(07:06):
everything you need to know about someone from that first
spark and that first meeting is actually probably causing you
to see someone through a very narrow lens. In fact,
two thousand and five study from Harvard it's one of
my favorite studies of all time. It was one of
the first to actually use fMRI techniques. To see what
love looked like in the brain. This study found that
(07:30):
the most primitive parts of this organ of our brain
are actually involved in that initial attraction, and those primitive
parts of our brain are influenced by such an intoxicating
combination of neurotransmitters, probably the most intoxicating combination you could find.
When you first meet someone and you have the spark,
and you have the romance and the attraction, you were
(07:52):
getting hit with dopamine, you were getting hit with adrenaline,
with corsoal, with vacupressant, with oxytocin, all of which cause
you to behave and think in ways that you wouldn't normally.
So not only are you feeling a lot of really
positive feelings, but also all of these hormones and all
of these neurotransmitters are also at times deactivating the neural
(08:16):
pathways responsible for social judgment, meaning that you can't actually
assess someone clearly. All those critical all the neural machinery
that you need to make critical assessments of other people
is essentially being silenced. It's being kind of suffocated by
the noise of the attraction. And it's why the phrase
(08:37):
love is blind holds so much truth. When we are
only looking for a spark, we are looking at someone
through a very restrictive lens. It means that we can't
see them clearly. It also means that there may be
other people sitting outside of that lens that we can't
see at all. There is an amazing book that I
(08:58):
recommend to almost everyone, which is the Science of Happily
ever After. And in it, the author doctor Tie T. Shiro.
He's a psychologist. He's an expert in interpersonal relationships. He
points out that passion and chemistry they get all the
attention because they're glamorous and it's flashy and it's beautiful.
(09:18):
But throughout all of his research in long term research
trials treits like agreeableness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, things that might
not show up on a first date, they are actually
far more robust predictors of long term relationship happiness. So
let's reframe. Instead of this cosmic lottery ticket where you
(09:39):
find the one, let's just consider the possibility that someone
becomes the one. Someone becomes the one through shared experiences,
through mutual effort, and through a dedication to an evolving connection.
All consider the idea that there are actually many people
who could be the one or the right kind of
(10:01):
one for you. The benefit of having this perspective in
our twenties particularly, I think is threefold. Firstly, it stops
us from thinking that love is rare, and that means
that we are going to be less restricted by a
scarcity mindset in dating. We're going to be less restricted
by this idea that we need to like we need
(10:23):
to find someone right now, like there is someone out
there and we are in a race against time to
find them. That's not a healthy approach to finding love,
especially in a decade where love should be an addition
and never something that feels restrictive. Secondly, I think it
also takes us from being quite passive to being active
(10:44):
in the quest for love. You know, you aren't just
expecting someone to drop into your lap fully formed. You
are looking for a co pilot, and a copilot needs
to be interviewed. They need to be tested, they need
to prove themselves. If you are choosing a life partner,
especially in your twenties, when you are like an adult toddler,
this person is going to hopefully be with you for
(11:04):
a very long time. They are perhaps going to raise children,
with you. They're going to make financial decisions with you.
They're going to see you through major grief and job
insecurity and moving house when it's just like when you've
got a cold, like they're going to see you through
the worst things ever. You need a good co pilot.
You need someone who's like willing to perform, not just
(11:25):
someone who makes you feel gouwy inside. We want both.
And finally, I think the reason that this perspective is
so healthy is that it allows you to value commitment
just as much as you value chemistry, meaning you're also
able to let go of bonds that aren't right for you.
(11:46):
We've all had that feeling of meeting someone where yes,
you do magically click with someone and it's sensational and
you are talking all night and you are telling your
friends about them, and you think that you've found the one,
but they're not ready. They they're not ready for commitment.
If we believe that there is only one person for us,
we will continue to pursue that person and hold on
(12:08):
tightly to the possibility of this person even when it hurts,
and even when it gets in the way of a
more healthy connection. But when you see love as an equation,
an equation that also requires reciprocity, shared values, commitment, hard work.
It's a lot easier for you to let that person
go and to kind of carry on with your life. Now.
(12:31):
I know this might not be, you know, the romantic
take that you are expecting, but I will say, just
because personally, I don't think that there is one soulmate
of one person for each of us, does not mean
that you can just pick up anybody on the street
and turn them into the love of your life. That
is not what I am arguing for. There are still
some very critical things needed to make a relationship work,
(12:54):
and some very deep emotional compatibility factors that will determine
the long term success of your relationship. And these are
things that you can actually begin to notice very early on.
And yet when we look at couples who end up
breaking up versus the ones who stay together, we see
that those same things that you could have noticed at
(13:15):
month zero or month three are the ones that cause
them to divorce and break up. So we want to
talk about these factors. I've been teasing this for the
whole start fifteen minutes of this episode. Let's talk about
those five signs that someone is right for you. The
first critical sign is that they are excited about your
(13:35):
life and you are excited about their life, not just
in the early days, but when things do become more monotonous.
We've already explained how you know, in the early days
you're attracted to someone is naturally heightened. That's maybe one
word for it. You're obsessed with them. Basically, during those
early periods, you are naturally excited by the novelty of
this person, and they just contain all of this newness.
(13:57):
You know, new stories, new interests, new traits. There's new
people in your life that come in the door with them.
That newness is really what defines the honeymoon period. The
honeymoon period of like bliss where there's no conflict, there's
no fighting, everyone's really happy. All you do is like
just talk and just like make out and just do
(14:18):
fun things that only lasts like six to eighteen months.
Like neurologically, people will say, oh, you know, our honeymoon
period never ended. It did. Like the way your brain,
you know, thinks about this person and reacts to them
and interprets them does change. But what takes over is
(14:39):
something deeper, and when the honeymoon period is over is
when you do start to see a change in the relationship,
and it's when the relationship either grows or breaks apart.
And what determines what category or what road you're going
to go down is something's so small you might not
even notice it. It's called bids for attention. So this
(15:02):
is a concept that was highlighted by psychologists Julie and
John Gotman. They're a couple. They are basically like the
leading experts in relationship stability. They founded a lab. It's
called the Love Lab. Great name would have been great
for like a bar as well, or even a podcast.
Love Lab so cute, and it's one of the first
couples therapy clinics that was opened in Washington in the eighties.
(15:25):
Julian and John Gotman, they literally created the idea of
a healthy relationship. Like you know, they were not the
first ones to have a healthy relationship, but they were
the first ones to label it, to want to know
what it looked like from the inside, and to really
like try and convince people that it was something they
could obtain and something that was important to understand. And
(15:45):
they discovered these bids for connection and they're really what
defined the relationships that lasted in the couples that they
saw and the ones that didn't. For example, imagine you
come home from work one day and you say to
your partner, oh my god, Becky from work was just
so annoying. She's so annoying, and your partner goes, oh,
(16:06):
it's Obama, that's all they say. You can feel a
little bit rejected. You're gonna feel a little bit silenced
in that moment right now. Instead imagine if they said, oh,
not again, like what's she up to this time? Tell
me all about it? Like what was your boss saying?
What was she doing? This kind of response is basically
saying I hear you, I see you. I'm excited about
(16:27):
your life. And in those moments, that person is turning
towards you, not just with their body, but with their reaction,
they're inviting you closer. In couples who remain together and
not just together, but together and happy, they turn towards
each other's bids for connection at a significantly higher rate
(16:50):
compared to those who eventually separate. So the couples who
stay together they match eighty six percent or meet eighty
six percent of these bids for connections compared to couples
who separate at thirty three percent. How you respond to
your partner's every day attempts to engage, whether it's a
comment about their day or a shared observation. It's really important.
(17:12):
Even if what they're saying isn't the most exciting thing,
you should be excited by the fact that they're the
ones saying it. Then that's our first question to really
determine if you're with the right kind of one for you.
Are you, at the end of the day interested in
their life and are they interested in yours. The next
sign is something that we kind of, I would say,
(17:35):
brush over a lot, but could end up being kind
of like the undoing of a relationship if we aren't careful.
It's values, and not just values in terms of religious
beliefs or having the exact same kind of personality. It's
deeper than that. It's do you see the world in
a similar way to me? Do you have the same
idea of love, the same idea of a good life,
(17:57):
the same ideas of justice and fairness and kindness and
work ethic. Those are really critical. Now, obviously you know
you aren't going to go on a first date and
immediately like sit down and ask someone, so, who did
you vote for? Or do you want kids? Or what's
the biggest issue facing humanity? If you want to though,
(18:18):
go ahead, like, I would love to know if you
do that, what their answers are. But it's about being
aware of the fact that values and your moral standpoints
are just as important as hobbies, similarities, attraction, all of
those things. And I'm going to tell you why.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
So.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
A twenty sixteen study basically found that a lack of
shared beliefs between a couple increased the risk of divorce
by almost nineteen percent. That's a lot of percents, nineteen
of them. Like that, I'm not betting on those chances.
An even more recent study that was actually conducted this
year twenty twenty five. It looked at over three hundred
(18:56):
married couples and it asked them to rate their own
value values, rate their spouse's values, and how satisfied they
were at the end of the day in their marriage.
Those who not only shared each other's values, but contributed
to how they were expressed in the other person, i e.
They gave them opportunities to be generous, they gave them
(19:17):
opportunities to be creative, to be a leader. They were
much happier in that relationship. This phenomena that we have
been describing it has a name. It's called value congruence theory.
When two people share similar values, they are more likely
to make similar decisions, and therefore they are less likely
to resent the other person. That resentment is really just
(19:41):
fuel for conflict, for arguments, for deep moral and personal tension,
so you're avoiding a whole lot of that. The question
that I think gets straight to the heart of this.
I think it's an incredible litmus test if you're kind
of at like a fork in the road with your relationship.
If you were suddenly in a coma for two years,
(20:03):
would you be happy for your partner to run your
life for you? Would you trust their decisions? If you
want to have kids as well. I know this question
might not be for everyone, but if kids are on
the cards for you, there's something that you want. You
can also apply this question to that future hypothetical as well.
Would this person be the kind of parent I would
(20:23):
want my kids to have.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Would they teach them.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
The values and the lessons that I think matter? It
is very easy in our twenties to not think about
these things very much. And you know what, I kind
of I get it, like relationships are meant to be
fun and passionate and spontaneous and in the moment. Sometimes
you don't bring up moral imperatives or moral questions or
(20:46):
big philosophical deep things, but they are things that you
can notice. And when you get serious about someone, you
also have to get serious about what drives them in life.
And also the fact that there are some things that
you cannot change about them, and you shouldn't have to
change either. Those values matter, find a way to discern them,
find a way to make sure that you are aligned. Okay,
(21:09):
my lovely listeners, we are going to take a short break.
But when we return, what are the three final signs
that they are the right kind of one for you?
And also, let's get to those seven questions that you
can ask yourself right now if you want to be
able to tell is this person right for me? So
stick around, we'll be right back after this short break.
(21:33):
Welcome back. Let's get straight into it. I don't know
about you, but I have heard a lot of couples
talk about how they don't really argue, you know, they
don't really fight. They haven't had a conflict in five
years of being together. Maybe people would come to me
for saying this, but I always think someone's lying in
the situation. Either you are lying to me or your partner,
(21:55):
or one of you is lying to the other one
about their true feelings. Because healthy couples and people who
are meant to be with you, like, they fight, and
they fight well. That's our third sign for today is
that when you're with the right person, miscommunications and arguments,
they aren't deal breakers. You don't shy away from them.
(22:17):
You also do it well, and you appreciate that they
are actually relationship expanders because in the occasional kind of
ugliness of disagreements, like you really get to see who
someone really is, and you get to learn so much
stuff about you know, things like their childhood. You get
to learn about their coping mechanisms. You get to learn
(22:39):
about how they see the world, how they deal with pain,
how they deal with discomfort. Like, there is so much
in that, let me explain. So being able to argue
well in a relationship is essential because conflict is not
only inevitable, it's also a sign of engagement, like a
version of those emotional bids that we talked about before.
(22:59):
Sometimes people try and get attention through starting conflicts, and
if another person can learn to deal with that and
understand where that's coming from, that can be a really
amazing way of knowing someone better. We're also going to
talk about those same researchers as we did before, doctor
Julie and John Gottman, and what they've had to say
about why conflict is such a predictor in their minds
(23:21):
of long term relationship success. So they have, like I said,
studied literally thousands of couples over the last decade, and
what they found when it comes to conflict is that
there are four different conflict or communication styles that will
destroy a relationship like almost as quickly as infidelity or
(23:43):
anything else. These are called the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Here's a crazy
number for you. These things can consistently predict divorce with
over ninety percent of an accuracy rate. So if you
(24:05):
have one of these things in your relationship, the Gotmans
and all their research say ninety percent of the time
we can link that to a divorce. Let's talk through
these four horsemen. The first is criticism. Criticism and a relationship.
It's more than just complaining. It is attacking the person,
not just the behavior. Instead of saying, like, if you
(24:26):
live with your partner, I'm upset that you didn't do
the dishes, it sounds like you're someone who is lazy,
and you're someone who doesn't clean up after themselves, and
you're someone who never helps out. So as soon as
you get into an argument, it's not about the problem
that you two are dealing with together. It's about the
other person and a flaw that they have, and how
(24:48):
is someone going to react to that. Immediately, they're going
to react with defensiveness or shame or sometimes like a
need to get back at you. That's the first one.
The second is contempt, and they say this is the
most destructive of all. It involves speaking from a place
of superiority, mocking, eye rolling, name calling, sarcasm, things that
(25:12):
display discuss, things that say to someone I'm better than you.
You know, you are crying and you're upset at your partner,
and they say, oh God, you look so pathetic. I
can't believe I have to explain this to you again,
Like this is like the twentieth time I've told you
you're so stupid. Now it's when I say that it's
(25:32):
the twentieth time I've told you. It's not that you
are genuinely like trying to bring up past grievances and
explain like we've talked about this before. It's like you
are angry at someone and you are willing to cut
them down for it, and you have resentment deep in
your bones that is coming out through conflict. So Gotman
found this. This is the single greatest predictor of divorce
(25:56):
because it erodes the most crucial part of a relationship,
which is third, we have defensiveness. Now, defensiveness is kind
of like it's actually self protective, but it can often
sound like blame shifting or denial. So instead of taking
responsibility for an action, or if you bring up a criticism,
(26:19):
instead of saying, yep, I fully own that, a defensive
partner might say like, it's not my fault that I've
done this, or you made me do this because of
this reason, or I only acted that way because you
provoked me. It escalates conflict because it invalidates the other
person's experiences and it avoids accountability and so often. What
(26:41):
this research says is that people who end up doing
this are actually people who are very much overly criticized
as children, and so they don't want to see that
criticism reflected in their relationship. But it means that when
it's a valid thing to bring up like they can't
They're tolerance for it is so low that they can't
even take that. So defensiveness is a third and the
(27:04):
final one is stonewalling, and this occurs when the other
partner just shuts down, goes silent, walks away completely emotionally
withdraws that they don't want to have it out with you.
I saw this thing the other day this I guess
it was a quote. It was in like a publication.
It basically said it was sorry. It was from a
(27:24):
relationship expert slash couple's counselor, and she said, the biggest
sign that I know a breakup or a divorce is
coming coming is when they don't even care about fighting anymore,
When the other person just completely taps out. They don't
even they don't see there being a reason and having
conflict if it's not addressed. These things ruin a relationship.
(27:45):
They ruin them on the other hand, couples who replace
these behaviors with empathy, who take responsibility, who are attuned
to each other deliberately, they tend to resolve conflict more successfully,
and it actually is something that they reflect back on
and say, Wow, they actually really deepened our emotional bond.
Can you argue, well, that's really the question here. It's
(28:08):
not about suppressing your anger. It's not about avoiding confrontation.
The healthiest couples they disagree just as much as unhappy ones.
The difference lies in their use of what we call
repair attempts. So they de escalate tension. They make a joke,
they express affection, they clarify misunderstandings in the middle of
(28:29):
the disagreement rather than afterwards. You know, if you accidentally,
like snap at your boyfriend in the car because you're
really frustrated or angry, but then you are the first
one to apologize, and you really do lean over and
you put your hand on his knee and you say,
I'm sorry, and I understand why I did that. Those
small moments are really powerful signals of emotional safety and
(28:50):
the powerful signals of someone not having ego in their relationship,
and that emotional safety especially is something that I think
and I wish we talked about just as much as
the spark, just as much as love at first sight
or butterflies, all those things are amazing, but feeling like
you always have a place to kind of come home to,
(29:12):
Like you could literally lay out everything on the table
and they wouldn't look away from it. That's like a
whole new level of intimacy. If you want to know
whether someone is the right one, have a fight. See
what happens. Okay, we're gonna go in like literally the
complete opposite direction now, like the furthest point left. If
we have fighting at one end, you have fun and
(29:34):
you have good times on the other. And this is
sign for life. Feels exciting with this person, even when
it is from the outside, very very boring. A soulmate,
whether it's a soulmate you've found, or a soulmate or
a soul connection that you've built brick by brick, someone
that you were in a relationship who is right for you,
(29:54):
they should ultimately make you feel lighter. And a big
part of that is humor and laughing and jokes and fun,
having mundane fun with your partner, doing stupid stuff at
the grocery store or giggling like kids before you go
to bed, that is a powerful psychological marker of long
term compatibility. I think the reason that it is so
(30:15):
powerful is that it shows that your connection isn't dependent
on really big moments and a lot of like flurry
and excitement. It's really grounded in shared presence and ease
and a natural sense of like childlike nature and play.
Small moments. That's really what it's based on. And surprise, surprise,
(30:39):
what is life made up of but small moments? And
so if your relationship can flow and thrive in that
natural ebb of the basic things you do every day,
like if your love is made up of small moments
the way that life is, I feel like it naturally
feels so much so much more stable and special and easy.
(31:02):
There's one study in particular that really captures the importance
of this, and I want to talk about it today.
It was conducted by the psychologist Arthur Aaron. Now you
might know him from his thirty six Questions to fall
in Love experiment. It's if you haven't heard of this. Basically,
he came up with these thirty six questions and he
(31:23):
posited that if you sat two people down in a
room and asked them to ask the other person these questions,
questions that got increasingly intimate. These two people could easily
he could make them fall in love. And there's a
very famous story that the first time he did this experiment,
literally two of the participants, who had never met each
other before, were married six months later, and it's become
(31:46):
like a bit of folklore. So he's basically the closest
thing that we have to a scientific matchmaker. And in
the early two thousands, he did this study on how
fun and novelty effects romantic satisfaction. So he got one
hundred and seventy eight couples. They answered like a newspaper ad,
and half of them were asked to engage in a
(32:07):
really novel, exciting activity. I think they did an obstacle
course together, and the other half did like a neutral
activity where they were just asked to sit and talk
to each other. Those who participated in the playful novel experience,
they reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction afterwards, not because of
the activity itself, but because it reignited a sense of
(32:30):
shared joy and shared spontaneity. What's fascinating, what's even more fascinating, actually,
I should say, is that follow up research showed even
mundane activities, if they were approached with a playful attitude,
had a similar effect on emotional closeness. You don't have
to go out and do an obstacle course, you don't
(32:51):
have to go out and do an extravagant date night.
Just bringing that playful energy to small moments is the
real powerful antidote or the real powerful substance here. It's
the shared emotional tone, not the setting, that I think
really makes the moment meaningful. And the deeper thing about
fun in particular, and why it's so beneficial for a
(33:13):
relationship and so indicative of whether someone is right for you,
is that it is protective. Fun is protective. It acts
as a shield, an emotional shield, even in bad times.
The average couple who is, let's say you're gonna be
together for twenty plus years, is going to go through
twenty plus really hard moments, death, grief, financial difficulties, job
(33:37):
and security, natural disasters, whatever it is, it's inevitable. Lingering
on those moments is what makes life really heavy, not
just the moments themselves. And the thing that fun and
play does is that it actually accentuates the positive things
in life, so that all the good stuff feels louder,
and it feels grander, and it feels more important than
(34:00):
negative things. And if you have a partner who can
bring that out, well, obviously your outlook on life is
going to be better. Your relationship is gonna thrive under
those conditions. There is this beautiful video that I saw
recently from an Australian couple. They've been married for sixty
seven years and they were being interviewed like on what's
the secret to their marriage, like everyone wants to know,
(34:20):
And I kid you not. In this video like they
are canodling, they are still totally in love, Like they
are talking about how the other person is everything to them,
and the wife said, the most important thing is to
have a sense of humor and if you don't have that,
don't even bother getting married. And that just really stuck
with me, Like life is meant to be fun. Love
(34:41):
is meant to be fun. If you're crying every day,
if you can't laugh with them, if it feels heavy,
that's gonna make your life heavy. So if someone is
right for you, they will bring joy, they will bring lightness,
they will bring laughter. Probably one of the easiest ways
to say, is this person going to make my life better?
(35:03):
So we are at our final point for today's episode.
The final sign that someone is the one and it
is as about as simple as the sun coming up.
The final sign is that you simply just admire them.
You just really admire this person. I was speaking to
my friend the other day about her husband, and I
(35:24):
was like, when did you know? When did you know
that you should marry him? She goes, I don't think
I ever knew, But every single day I wake up
and I just think he is the coolest person I've
ever met. And I was like, wow, that is such
a great way to put it. I think, honestly, the
best relationships I at least believe this are when both
(35:47):
people think the other person is out of their leak.
Both people think and the other person is better than
the other person. It brings obviously mutual respect, but also
like if you think the other person is like the
coolest person in the world, to steal my friend's words
or like just amazing, it's gonna constantly make you want
to be better for them, and want to show up
(36:07):
for them and want to keep winning them over throughout
the years. When we admire our partner as well, we
also see them as someone that we want to learn
from and we want to grow alongside. The psychologist Kyl Rogers,
he calls this unconditional positive regard, valuing someone for who
they are without trying to change them, and in a
healthy relationship, this admiration becomes reciprocal. When both partners feel
(36:30):
genuinely seen and respective for their strengths, it really makes
both people feel worthy. It makes the partnership feel better.
Mutual admiration also fosters something we refer to as idealization,
the tendency to see our partner in an idealized light,
not out of delusion, but as a motivational force. So
(36:50):
we can't idealize them to the point where you know
things about them that are actually terrible are invisible. We
want to idealize the parts of them that are amazing
in our minds become even more amazing. There was another
recent piece of research that found that partners who idealized
each other to a moderate degree, so seeing their partner
is slightly better than they saw themselves, they did actually
(37:13):
report greater relationship satisfaction over time. So this kind of
positive illusion. It's not naive, it's not silly. It's actually
a buffer. It's a buffer for the relationship against you know, disappointments,
against hard times, because we're consistently brought back to this
idea of their goodness and this idea of their potential.
(37:37):
And it also creates a really good feedback loop. You know,
if they believe that I'm great, I want to live
up to it, and so I will, and then you
think they're even more great, and you know, you see
where this is going. It's a positive upward spiral. So
with all that in mind, with all those amazing signs
that someone is the right kind of one for you,
I want to give you a final list of seven
(37:59):
questions to ask ask yourself when you find yourself facing
this anxiety inducing question. I know this question comes up
a lot for people who have relationship anxiety and relationship OCD,
and we've done a whole episode on that. I'm not
going to get into it, but sometimes you can logically
know that someone is absolutely perfect for you and amazing
and still feel this sense of doubt. And it doesn't
(38:22):
mean that you're a bad partner, and it doesn't mean
that you should break up with them, There's so much
other complex stuff going on underneath. I also think if
you're a bit of a perfectionist, you're really scared of
the idea of settling, or of something in your life
not being perfect in the moment and perfect in the future,
and that can cause you to look at your relationship
(38:43):
with a lens of such intense scrutiny that of course
you're going to find something bad with it. So in
those moments, ask yourself these seven questions, and I think
it will give you some clarity. Firstly, when you imagine
a life without them, do you feel relieved or do
you feel a sense of loss? Does a future with
them feel exciting or does it feel daunting? Do they
(39:06):
challenge me in a way that makes me want to
get better? Do they reciprocate my energy, my love, my effort.
Do I admire who they are, not just what they
do for me? Does our relationship feel light or does
it feel heavy? Would I trust this person to make
good decisions about my life on my behalf? Those are
(39:30):
our seven questions. I feel like it's a nice little
checklist to come back to if you needed it. But
as for today's episode, I hope you enjoyed it. I
hope that it's given you some clarity on whether you
are with the one, whether you are with the right
kind of one, if you don't necessarily believe in soulmates,
and some of the just beautiful, fascinating science behind what
(39:52):
makes love last, from couples who've been together for decades,
to the indicators that we can see from like the
first few months of a relationship that will tell you
is this good? Is this bad? Will this love grow?
Speaker 1 (40:05):
Will it fade?
Speaker 2 (40:06):
So I hope you have learned a lot. I certainly have.
I've been talking about this episode in my kind of
I guess findings all week to my friends, especially like
my friends who are just started dating people, and like
does he do this or does she do that? So
hopefully you can bring this knowledge into your own life
and scrutinize your own friends with that in mind, make
sure you send them this episode if you think that
(40:27):
they would get a kick out of it or you
think they would enjoy it. Make sure you are following
along on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening, and
give us a five star review. It really helps the
show to grow and to evolve. And if you have
made it this far, well, this is the secret club
that we have at the end of the episode where
(40:47):
if you make it to the end, you get an emochi,
so you can leave it in the comments below. I
think how emoji would just be a heart. Choose whatever
color you want, whatever whatever color is best representing your
love life at the moment. It color of heart. I
think that's like, let's do a little check in on
how everyone's feeling about love at the moment. But again,
thank you for listening. Make sure you're following us on Instagram.
(41:09):
I always forget what to say at the end of
the episodes, but yes, make sure you're following us on
Instagram at that Psychology podcast so you can know what
episodes are coming out next. Join the conversation even further,
send episodes suggestions my way, and we will be back
next week. Stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself.
We will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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