33. Social attraction, being ‘cool’ and in-groups

What does it mean to be ‘cool’ and why does it matter? In this weeks episode we discuss the importance of social acceptance and why being authentic is actually the key to being socially attractive.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everyone, welcome back or welcome
to the podcast. Thanks for tuning in. I hope you're

(00:25):
all having a splendid day wherever you are in the world.
Let's jump right into it. Today we're talking about something
a little bit different. We're talking about social attraction in
groups and what it means to be perceived as cool.
I've been thinking about this a lot. Shout out to

(00:45):
a friend of mine who I've been having some conversations
with this about conversations around status, around the anxiety that
comes with the acknowledgment that you're perceived by others, wanting
to fit in, wanting to seem cool, and it all
kind of ties together, and there's a pretty interesting narrative
around these topics in psychology and in social psychology. So

(01:10):
I thought it'd be a great episode to talk about
and to talk through today. Before we get into it, though,
I just want to say, if you are an existing
listener of the podcast, I hope you like the new
artwork I updated the cover art and have like rebranded
the podcast. Still the same content obviously, but let me

(01:31):
know what you think I did do like a little
mini pole on my Instagram and by far this new
kind of design one out against my shitty canvas designed thing.
So yes, new stage, new season of the podcast. Additionally, huge,
huge moment for the podcast coming up. We are about

(01:53):
to celebrate one year of the Psychology of Your Twenties.
That's right. I started this podcast a year ago in
mid late June. I'll obviously announce it when I get
to that stage, but if you listen to the Heartbreak episode,
you would know why I started this podcast to begin with.
And yeah, it's just crazy to look back on this

(02:16):
year and what this kind of platform and you know,
just being able to talk through these things and investigate
them and think about them. How much that's kind of
really benefited me and all the growth that I've been
been through and that year. And thanks for supporting me
throughout this. This was such a new experience for me
when I first started, and now it's just such a

(02:36):
part of my life. It's a part of my identity,
and it's huge that there are people who reach out
every week who say they really nice things, people who
leave me, ratings and all of that stuff. So I
really appreciate it. So social attraction, social status, why it

(02:58):
doesn't matter so much in our twenties, Well, I think
that these ideas of being part of the in group,
being liked by others are important because it comes down
to acceptance. It comes down to feeling like you have
a group, feeling like you belong somewhere. That's a really
important struggle and experience in our twenties, especially because this

(03:22):
is really the decade in which you kind of start
to place down your foundations. You try out different identities,
you shift between different social groups, and you're really trying
to find your feet and how you relate to others,
the interactions you have with others, and where you feel
that you belong. And what comes with that is an
intense pressure around other people's perceptions of us, around other

(03:47):
people's perception of our social status, of our likability, our
accept whether we could be accepted into their group. And
where does this pressure and influence kind of come from.
That's something we're really going to discuss today. I'm sure
we've all felt that feeling of just like not fitting in,
not really jelling with people, feeling really lame, and it's

(04:10):
a really terrible feeling. We've all been there and we've
all felt it, but it's somewhat intangible, and the sense
of not fitting in and this desire to be seen
as cool. It kind of operates in our social domains,
but to a large extent, it also comes from our
private thoughts and our assessments of others, and our memberships

(04:31):
to groups that we deem as important to our identity.
All of these things, although we can see them, we
can't really hold them. They're quite intangible and they really
operate without much explanation. The groups we are a part of,
specifically our in groups, which we're going to talk a
lot about today, are incredibly influential in our twenties and

(04:52):
for the rest of our lives. And a large part
of this is to do with social and personal attraction,
wanting to be accepted into a group, wanting to seem
like an attractive individual, not in the physical sense, but
in kind of the social sense. And another important element

(05:14):
that I really want to discuss is relative and comparative status.
So much of how we see ourselves comes from our
comparison to others. And to where they stand and their
kind of position in this invisible hierarchy, this invisible social
hierarchy that we all kind of know exists. Essentially, we
want people to like us. We want to be accepted

(05:38):
and to be perceived as high status whatever that means
based on our social memberships. So how do our brains
navigate the complexity around this problem? Why does it come
so naturally to some people? What is it that makes
certain individuals trendsetters? And another big thing we're going to

(05:58):
discuss is around subcos and how they operate, how norms
take hold. So, like I've said numerous times, and it's
a pretty known social reality you listening to this, you
want to be liked. I want to be liked. We
want to be seen as part of the us, or
as standing out or being cool, especially in our early

(06:20):
twenties where social status and interpersonal attraction really matter as
we navigate our identity and who we are. I say
this all the time on the podcast, But humans are
social animals, and being rejected from a social group that
we deem as important in the past, what that meant
was losing access to things that were essential for our survival,

(06:43):
like food, protection, mating partners, so to survive, our brains
have kind of developed an early warning rejection alert system
that triggers really sharp emotional pain and sometimes the feeling
of physical pain as well. That's how deeply we don't
want to be rejected and how deeply we crave acceptance.

(07:05):
But for so many years, few psychologists in this area
have really tuned into the importance of rejection for shaping
our behavior. It's like the whole field kind of missed
the essentially important part of human life. But that's changed
over the last decade, and a growing number of researchers
and institutions have really turned their eyes towards this uncomfortable

(07:28):
fact of life, that rejection it matters to us. People
have realized just how much our concern with social acceptance
kind of spreads its fingers into almost everything we do everything.
And I was having this conversation with a friend of
mine around how you navigate that. Do we just accept
that social pressure and the desire to appear like you

(07:49):
have status or to be accepted. Do we just accept
that that exists and live within that system and kind
of play along with it, or do you kind of
face that constant, existential treadmill of trying to fight against
it but never quite being able to. But back to
the research, So, as researchers have kind of dug deeper

(08:10):
into the roots of rejection, they found some pretty surprising
evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so
different from the pain of physical injury, of stubbing your toe,
things like that, and rejection it also has pretty serious
implications for your psychological state and for the state of
society in general. Social rejection. It influences your emotions, it

(08:35):
influences your cognition and your physical health, and ostracized people
if rejection happens again and again, can become very isolated
and even aggressive or turn violent. I think that the
idea of social rejection has really become part of an
ongoing conversation around things like school shooters in the US,

(08:57):
or lone wolves, or people who from that rejection have
gone on to do terrible things. And it's really really
interesting how our conversations around that have really integrated this
idea and this acceptance of rejection as a bad thing
into our discussions of these instances and these people. Because humans,

(09:19):
we have a fundamental need to belong, just as we
have needs for food and water. We also have needs
for positive and lasting relationships. So if we're hardwired to
avoid rejection, where do we seek acceptance and approval, Well,
that would be from the groups that we are a
part of. All of us, every single person listening to this,

(09:42):
I'm sure that you can name at least four five
groups that you're a part of. Maybe it's a sport team,
it's the place that you work, it's your group of friends,
it's your family, it's your neighborhood, it's the school you
went to. But some groups matter more to us than
others based on what we personally value you about ourselves,
but also how we perceive others and how we perceive

(10:04):
our groups in relation to society in general. It also
comes down to whether we like people, yes, but whether
we see our groups and the groups that maybe we're
not part of as an opportunity for social mobility. So
social mobility comes into this conversation a lot status. It exists,

(10:24):
social status and a hierarchy of different social groups exists.
And if we are seeking approval, it kind of makes
sense that we'd want that approval to come from the
people that are most admired in society and by gaining
access to those groups, we experience social mobility, we move up,
we improve our self esteem, and we reduce the feelings

(10:47):
of rejection or the feelings of not really belonging. So
we like those and we like groups that present an
opportunity to be liked and included, and this leads to
conformity and a convergence on group norms, which end up
governing our behavior. Many people, all of us, we like

(11:11):
to recognize ourselves as an individual or as unique, and
whilst we do possess specific characteristics that really distinguish us
from the crowd, we are all unique. The majority of
us comply with some set of social and societal rules
most of the time. So conformity is the act of
kind of matching your beliefs, your attitudes, and behaviors to

(11:35):
group norms politics, or to those who are like minded. Norms.
The DIA these implicit, specific rules, intangible really that are
shared by a group of individuals, and they guide our
interactions with others. And it kind of brings up the
question we've kind of already answered it, but just to reiterate,

(11:55):
why do people conform to these norms? Why do people
conform in a group will yielding to group pressure. In
this way. It often happens because we want to fit in.
And there are these five proposed kind of motivations behind
conformity of this type. So the reasons that we can
form and we converge on the group norms of groups

(12:20):
that we deem as important because we want to be correct,
We want to be socially acceptable and avoid rejection. We
want to accomplish group goals that could in turn help
elevate our social status or our social position and how
well off we are. We also conform to establish and
maintain our self concept and our social identity, and to

(12:41):
align ourselves with similar individuals. And there is kind of
this general belief that conforming is pretty important for society.
It makes us more agreeable to live with, and in
some ways it kind of creates a status quo or
a sense of normal. And different groups different identities, They

(13:01):
have different definitions of the norms which govern our behavior
and which norms you need to follow to be seen
or deemed is acceptable. So importantly, although traditional ideas of
in group acceptance often speak of conformity and obedience to
the norm is the most important part of being accepted,

(13:22):
it actually appears a lot more nuance the deeper that
you kind of dive into the literature and what is
cool or what is socially acceptable. It no longer seems
to just be based on conformity but in some ways
rebellion and violation. So researchers they've tried to kind of
unpack the paradoxes that are inherent in social acceptance and
being perceived as one of us and as cool. And

(13:45):
they've obviously focused in particular on norms, but more so
on the importance of violating norms or setting oneself apart
from certain dispensable norms. So one author, this really interesting author,
did this in depth study on why norm violation can
actually lead to acceptance and attraction. So norm violation that

(14:07):
being going against what is traditionally accepted or expected from you,
And the conventional wisdom is that violating a norm would
result in rejection, which we know we want to avoid.
So people normally have an incentive to be as loyal
and obedient to the norm set by their groups as possible.
But the things with norms, the thing with norms, sorry,

(14:31):
is that they are contextually and situationally specific. Humans do
not have one set of norms that we are universal
and that we're all beholden to. They differ and the
unwritten behavioral and attitudinal codes that govern our lives. They
differ from situation to situation, from group to group, and

(14:55):
like I said, they're importantly fixed to certain groups and
our memberships to them. So we are aware of the
different norms that exists in different contexts. So how you
behave at work what's expected of you will differ wildly
from how you behave when you're on a rowdy night
out with your friends. But norms are the building blocks

(15:18):
of being liked and being perceived as part of the
in group and as cool. But as I've mentioned, it's
a complicated process and interactions, and as researchers have pointed
out recently, sometimes it is norm violation that can be
most influential for social mobility and acceptance. I think cool
and being cool has kind of this really strange, brittle

(15:41):
cultural logic. It's kind of a residual code that has
turned itself into an emerging code. Its performative style is
based upon and derives simultaneously from, symbols of both association
but also of independence and disaffiliation. So for example, the
norms held by broader society versus the norms held by

(16:04):
unique subgroups that we are a part of, they'll differ.
So you can simultaneously break a norm and obey a
different norm at the same time. And by breaking a
more widely held norm of broader society that maybe not
everyone agrees with, we can kind of signal to our
unique subgroups that we're more loyal to the codes that

(16:27):
govern our behavior and these unique and smaller scale situations.
So acceptance and being perceived as cool or as part
of the in group nowadays can actually mean breaking the rules,
violating the norm, but only to a certain degree. So,
according to one researcher, the way people and things are

(16:49):
perceived as cool as if they're seen as autonomous. It's
not just about always going against the norm and expecting
people to like you. Based on the logic we were
talking about above, we want to know people, we want
to see people, We want to see their actions as
if they would do them regardless of what other people think.

(17:12):
Let me kind of repeat that violating a norm just
to violate it for the sake of it isn't actually
seen as very beneficial. But if you're doing it in
an autonomous way. If you're doing it for some superordinate
goal and in a way that is very unique or

(17:33):
seems really self motivated, that's when you're more likely to
gain acceptance from your unique subgroups. Furthermore, norm violation it
not only indicates that you can be an independent thinker
and that you're autonomous, but that you operate in the
way that favors the more specific inner group norms of
your groups without needing direction or instruction. So it kind

(17:56):
of validates that you are actually a true member of
the group, and in that way you begin to receive
social acceptance. A really interesting kind of example of this
is the idea of style and how we dress. I
was talking about this with my friend Sydney. We both
live in I would say, pretty cool neighborhoods in Melbourne

(18:16):
and Sydney. Pretty big cities, pretty cool cities, And there
is definitely this very i think fluid idea of like
what makes you seem socially acceptable, what makes people like you?
And there is a perception these days that rejecting trends
and choosing kind of a niche unique look, shopping at

(18:39):
op shops or having kind of a look or a
style that's one of a kind. I guess that's that's
what's cool because it shows a rejection of popular fashion
and dress that can be used to signal independence but
also allegiance to a more contradictory and anti establishment trend
that exists within the certain subgroups that we may be
a part of. Norm violation has become cool, making it

(19:03):
such that kind of the new norm is to be
anti norm. You know. It's like a bit of a contradiction,
but an interesting thing to think about. Nonetheless, it becomes
more about in this situation independence and uniqueness over norm loyalty,
and that's when autonomy itself becomes the norm and becomes

(19:24):
how we gain social acceptance. So, in some sense, coolness,
our desire to be seen as socially and interpersonally attractive,
mirrors this self actualization process. Self actualizes they're people who
think for themselves. They don't conform to fit in, and

(19:45):
they've kind of evolved beyond basic needs to higher order needs.
Instead of valuing things like belonging, they've come to value
higher principles like self sufficiency, like beauty that is independent
of traditional conceptions of the subject, and things like justice.
So Maslow. He is this well known psychologist, this author,

(20:08):
this thinker, and he describes self actualizes as autonomous, standing
apart from their culture and environment. In important ways, they
might break or reject the rules of broader society that
just don't make sense. They might not be as dependent

(20:29):
on others for satisfaction, or on culture or means to
an ends in general to receive extrinsic satisfactions. Rather, they're
dependent for their own development and continued growth. And in
this way they kind of set themselves apart and can
become accepted for that very reason. Self actualization, though importantly

(20:56):
it doesn't occur in isolation. Our identity is not concocted
and created in a bubble, but is influenced every day
by what we kind of see in our environment and
what is reflected by our in groups and the subgroups
that were a part of Especially in this kind of

(21:18):
day and age, I feel like I don't need to
expand upon the additional influence of social media and globalization
and capitalism. Just essentially, I think the main logic to
follower here is that in this day and age, there
is no such thing as being entirely unique. There is
no way to separate yourself from trends and the influences

(21:39):
of others because they're in Yeah, I guess the influences others.
But also there's no way to really separate yourself from
the inherent need to be liked or perceived in a
certain way. This has more to do just with general
social well being. Everyone needs community, everyone needs in some
ways to be liked, or they wouldn't be able to

(22:01):
operate in modern day society. I guess a natural progression
from that discussion of norm violation and of the power
of autonomy and authenticity is a discussion on the existence
of subgroups and the pressures that they kind of exert

(22:24):
upon us. Before we talked a lot about norm violation
and in groups, and I think that does warrant a
bit more of a deep dive in groups in particular,
because obviously there are norms that govern broader society, but
those aren't really the ones that matter because we don't
really interact with we could never possibly interact with every

(22:44):
member of society. And I guess it goes without saying
that different groups have different expectations. That's the basis of culture,
and that's the basis of you know, different different countries
and different groups that we see in the world. So
an in group or a subgroup in psychology, and in

(23:06):
a large part in the field of sociology as well,
is a smaller group that exists within a larger group
or in this case, society. So in groups are groups
which we belong to, which have their own identities, their
own interests, attributes, and behavioral norms, and in this way
possess their own kind of like insular culture of sorts.

(23:29):
For example, an in group it could be something like
your footy team. You don't have to be a footy player,
but like just the team that you support, there are
a set of attributes that you think kind of distinguish
you from others that creates an in group. It could
be something like the church you go to. In this instance,
religion has a big part to do it to do

(23:50):
with it, or it could be something like your neighborhood.
Throughout all these examples, we're seeing that there's something that
kind of ties people together and in groups. They can
also be based on something incredibly minuscule, even sometimes arbitrary,
but which nonetheless forms an important part of your identity,
like the music you listen to that can just be

(24:15):
enough for you and someone else to establish an in
group between the two of you. There's something that unites you,
which you feel distinguishes you compared to the status quo
or everyone else. So subcultures are an important caveat here
and kind of like a natural progression from that. So
subgroups that types of in groups that are more diffuse.
They don't have any formal leadership, formal membership, or explicit

(24:42):
kind of organizational structure the way that a church group
or a forty team might have these other features. So leadership,
formal membership, explicit organizational structure, these are the features which
often typify the existence of an in group, but rather
subgroups they have or subcultures have kind of loose and

(25:04):
informal participation, mainly because the boundaries of who and what
embodies a subculture they're contest it and they're fluid, so
membership is not exclusive. Subculturalists can identify as with just

(25:24):
one part of the subculture and simultaneously interact with people
in another culture and broader social networks. And consequently, I
think the boundaries between mainstream culture and subcultures are often indistinguishable,
as the two kind of cultural domains, they can share
ideas and coexist in the lives of individuals. They can

(25:47):
be seen as existing within, whereas in groups kind of
a scene as existing outside of. And here's why we
might actually count subcultures as an in group. And it
kind of does have to do with this broader idea
of social attraction that we're talking about. Subcultures. They don't
only share an identity, they also share values, practices, and

(26:11):
cultural objects that, if we are a part of this subgroup,
really matter to us. And they often signify status symbols.
So for example, like a particular subculture might be like
clean living or like yeah, clean living, veganism, that kind

(26:32):
of thing, and they purchase objects of importance to them,
like you know, cruelty free products or expensive vegan skincare
or yoga pants. Those things might not be as it
might not be important to the average person. You know,

(26:54):
if someone came up to me in the street and
was like, oh my gosh, here's this fantastic brand of
cruelty free sunscreen or whatever, I probably would not know
what the fuck they were talking about. But it could
be a status symbol for that clean living culture or
subculture that they operated. So as subcultures emerge, distinct meanings

(27:16):
form to kind of define the specific scenes, unique practices
and cultural objects like the sunscreen. And the other thing
that kind of forms is the practices, the principles, and
the objects that distinguish the subculture from the mainstream culture.

(27:37):
And it's this chasm. It's this gap that is kind
of the biggest one to jump to jump over if
you want to move into a group, if you want
to be socially accepted. But luckily for us, the meanings
around what is cool or what defines the specific subculture,

(27:58):
they continuously grow and change because subcultures don't have any
form of leadership or formal membership, so there is freedom
to kind of debate existing meanings and create new ones.
And additionally, the way that subcultures and in groups are
kind of distinguished yet again, is that there aren't any
kind of barriers to people who are members of subcultures

(28:21):
being equally loyal to society and other people in society
in general. So it's kind of generally accepted that there
are interactions between people who aren't really members of the group,
and those are just as important as the interactions we
have with those who are members of the group. In

(28:42):
these situations, the main form of influence and power is
common bonds and attachment to other group members and a
sense of a strong common identity. So in this way,
this way, it's kind of a different deer around social
acceptance within these subcultures. In some ways, it's easier to

(29:05):
seek social acceptance and to be seen as cool or
as an in group member within these kind of settings,
But in the other way it does another way. It
does take a lot of effort, and it takes a
lot of dedication I guess, to a specific way of living.
And another important element that I think really links in
that norm violation concept we were talking about in that

(29:27):
perception of being cool relative to context is the sense
of resistance within subcultures to kind of the dominant dominant
cultural values. And there's also normally a sense of marginalization
that typically unites members. They feel that they sit outside
of what mainstream culture and cultural values expects from us. Hence,

(29:48):
their identity and existence is somewhat predicated on norm violation
and going against what is typical. So if we wrap
this all, we link this all back together, there's this
idea that to be seen as cool and to be
seen as part of the in group and to be
seen as socially attractive and attractive and socially acceptable, you

(30:09):
need to conform, and you need to be able to
identify what's cool and just follow along with it. But
what this recent research is saying is that that really depends,
because there are actually certain groups in which your membership
is based on your ability to go against what is
the norm and your ability to act as an autonomous individual,

(30:31):
And what makes someone cool or sets people apart within
subcultures is often incredibly specific. So I had this thought
at a concert the other day. I was at Carriage Works.
If you're a Sydney listener, you'll know where that is.
But this concert it was like not something I take

(30:52):
I would like normally go to. It was super grunge,
kind of goth. And I walked in wearing the clothes
that I would normally wear, and I just so out
of place. I think, you know, if I was walking
down the streets of Newtown, or if I was at
my old UNI, what I was wearing, the kind of perception,
I don't know, like the kind of image I was
giving off would be seen as pretty typical elsewhere, but

(31:16):
in this situation, it was really obvious that I was
not a member of this particular subculture. I was not
a frequent participant in goth underground music, that kind of
music scene, and I felt incredibly uncool. But if members
of this group were to step into one of my

(31:37):
cultural identities or one of the groups I belong to,
I'm sure they would have felt the same. And the
way that that was kind of indicated to me. The
reason I felt uncool was because of these status symbols,
because of what people were wearing, and there was a
sense of convergence here, but there was also a norm
of independence and a normal authenticity that we've been talking

(31:57):
about a lot. But under lying all that there is trends.
There are trends that to be cool we have to
both follow and we have to both violate. So how
do trends and ideas of in group prototypicality emerge in
these environments? How do we know what to follow and
what not to follow? You know, why is it that

(32:21):
you know you might be in a specific situation You
notice that everyone looks the same. Surely there's not a
big group chat that thousands of people are using to
like coordinate their outfits and to coordinate what's cool. So
how do trends in this kind of globalized environment, how
do they emerge? So the origin and the emergence of

(32:45):
social conventions of trends, whatever you want to call them,
it's kind of been a bit of a problem child
for cognitive scientists and social psychologists in the past and
prominent ideas. They've often assumed that institutionalized mechanisms like a
centralized authority, figure leadership or incentives for collective agreement around norms.

(33:10):
These are what are required for shared conventions to become prevalent. Obviously,
we know that's not true. Trends emerge without someone telling
us what to do, without a collective conversation. When we
think about subcultures, which often have a real sense of
commonality and a sense of common trends and common conventions,

(33:34):
they don't have centralized authority, they don't have leadership, and
they don't have kind of solid membership either. So these
newer social ideas have kind of come to play, and
they've suggested that there are networks of like locally interacting
individuals that kind of spontaneously and unintentionally self organized and

(33:56):
self and coordinate to produce a more global coordination and
trend and convergence towards typical conventions and typical signals of
status and in group nous rather than formal institutions. So
but this kind of sort of self organization has been
really difficult to demonstrate, especially on a meaningful scale. And

(34:19):
that's where all these kind of discussions around how do
we know what's cool, how do we know what it
means to be part of the in group if we
don't actually know how the conventions that govern and the
norms that govern our in groups and our groups come
to be. But there was this really interesting study that
kind of cracked the code or cracked open Pandora's box

(34:43):
in some ways. So it was a university study in
the Netherlands, I think, and they put these students that
were part of like a first year psychology course, they
placed them in chat rooms for the entire year, and
people were placed randomly in different chat rooms, and over time,
these trends started to emerge and how people talk to

(35:05):
each other, the jokes they made, and there was also
like a convergence within these little groups that were defined
by these chat rooms on how people took notes, on
where people ate lunch on what people did and all
of these things, all of these indicators of the specific

(35:27):
chat rooms they differed, they differed, And when all of
these groups and one of the chat rooms were kind
of combined, people still kind of stuck to the groups
that were created by those initial kind of conversations. And
what the researchers noticed within that was a trend setter
or a leader within these smaller local groups who kind

(35:52):
of started doing something from a place of authenticity and autonomy,
which we've talked about, and then everyone kind of followed suit.
We would call them a trend setter, But why was
this person more influential than the other ones than the
other people? So I think we know from just our
basic knowledge of social interactions and of society in general

(36:14):
social media as well, that not everyone can kind of
be a trend setter or start a social movement towards
a particular convention or norm or action. So we typically
believe it's tied to charisma, natural intelligence, attractiveness, things like that,
but on a deeper level, it has to do with
in group prototypicality. So in group typicality that is the

(36:38):
key that seems to unlock this whole kind of secret
closet and strange world that was really weird Narnia reference.
But you know what I mean of social attraction and
being perceived as cool soup prototypicality. Basically, what it means

(37:00):
is that you are You are kind of the median,
the most sensual and normal figure of all those around you.
You kind of represent the amalgamation of the attributes, the characteristics,
the likes, the behaviors, the attitudes of all those who
might be within kind of your atmosphere and within your

(37:22):
social atmosphere, and people recognize that you're the person who
has the most kind of relatability to every other member
of the group. And what comes with that is a
sense of trust, a sense of trust from other members
that you'll do the right thing by them, that they
should follow you. And with that comes charisma and attraction

(37:45):
and the emergence of a trend set of a trend setter.
So ingroup prototypicality, being the most familiar and typical member
of a group is what gives you the power, one
individual of the power to set a convention that is
then carry on by others. But navigating that is so
not simple. Some people just fall into that role naturally

(38:06):
and find group membership and acceptance and leadership, whereas others
are kind of really forced to examine group dynamics and
trends and figure out where they sit. The good thing
is all humans and all groups, they kind of leave
a track or a pattern of behavior that can be
followed and emulated if you really want to be part
of the in group, if you try hard enough to

(38:28):
be cool. But the other thing that we've learned is
that always converging on the norms, on the conventions, on
the trends that define the groups that you think are important,
isn't probably going to get you to a point where
you feel accepted. It. It kind of comes more naturally

(38:50):
to those who are authentic and who act independently. These
are the trend setters. These are the people who aren't
seeking social acceptance. These are the people who gain social
acceptance from violating norms, not just obeying them. You know,
we can talk about the research behind this, but I
think it has come from a more anecdotal place and

(39:12):
a more kind of yeah, anecdotal perspective. When you try
too hard to be seen as someone who everyone should
like and to be socially accepted. Often it has the
inverse effect. No one likes you. They can tell that
you're being fake, they can tell that you're not authentic.

(39:33):
They can tell that you don't naturally know how to
follow the norms of the group. Trying hard is uncool.
So I guess the lesson from all this conversation is
the way to kind of gain social acceptance is to
be independent, autonomous, and your authentic self. That way, you

(39:53):
end up kind of drifting and finding the groups who
you actually have more in common with naturally, but people
are more attracted to you because they see you as
somewhat of a leader and an independent thinker, and as
someone who is self actualized. As Maslow said, that is
what makes you the most powerful in social interactions, is

(40:16):
not actually needing social acceptance. I hope you enjoyed this episode.
I do realize it was a lot more theoretical based
and kind of like weird ramblings from me than our
typical episodes are. But I really enjoyed looking into this.

(40:37):
I think it's something I've been thinking about a lot,
having moved recently. It's not really recently anymore, having moved
at the start of the year. It's like, how do
you figure out how to fit in in a social
situation and circumstances that you don't really know very well?
And why is it that we're constantly seeking to be
liked and socially accepted and seeking symbols or indicators of status.

(41:02):
So I guess that's where this episode kind of came from.
It's just me unpacking how that kind of area, an
element of the social world world really works, and what
things we should consider, what kind of topics and conversations
and subjects come up. So, if you're thinking of feeling
a similar way, I hope you enjoyed this. I hope

(41:25):
as weird as it was, as convoluted as it was,
you kind of took something away from it. And thank
you for listening. If you've made it as far as
I always say, if you have made it this far
and you feel cool to do so, please consider leaving
the podcast a review on either Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
It really helps us grow. And when I say us,

(41:46):
it's just me, so it really Yeah, it makes me
really happy to see that people are enjoying this, people
are enjoying me being my authentic self, even if it's
not cool. But yeah, thank you again for listening and
tune in next time.