September 11, 2025 • 46 mins
We often see pets as just a part of our daily lives - the ones who greet us at the door, curl up beside us, or demand breakfast at 6 a.m. sharp. But behind those everyday moments lies a bond that’s shaped by millions of years of co-evolution and a deep emotional connection that can transform us. In this episode, we look at the psychology of our relationships with our pets - how they are so transformative, soothe our stress, shift our moods, and even change the way we relate to other people. Pets aren’t just companions; they can become anchors in times of change, mirrors for our emotions, and constant reminders of simple joy.
We’ll explore:
• The science of why we bond so strongly with animals
• How our pets mirror our mental health
• Survival of the cutest
• The pain of losing a childhood pet, and disenfranchised grief
• FOUR key questions to ask yourself if you’re thinking of committing to a pet
Whether you’re a proud pet parent or just curious about why humans are so drawn to animals, this episode is for you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, and new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are
in the world, it is so great to have you here.
Back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. Today, we are going to
talk about a relationship that is honestly like no other.
(00:44):
It is unrivaled. It is a special kind of special
and that is the one that we have with our pets,
especially but not just, but especially in our twenties when
they could honestly be a lifeline. You know, I've always
loved animals. I've had such a soft spot for them.
I'm an animal goal. I had pets growing up. I
(01:05):
had an obese white rabbit for a long time. My
childhood dog, yo Yo, is somehow still alive at sixteen
years old, God bless. I've always pet sit It. I've
always been around animals, But earlier this year, as some
of you may know, I adopted my dog Talu and
it feels like a whole new side of life has
(01:26):
opened up for me. And it is really what made
me want to do this episode today. It's gonna sound wild.
I truly did not realize how much I could love
another living creature. I did not realize how much they
could change how I saw the world. Like the way
I talk about her, I honestly sometimes feel like people
(01:49):
think I have joined a new religion. It is genuinely
like an unparalleled joy to walk through the door every
day and like she is there and she is happy
to see me the same way it is, I'm sure
a joy for people that come home and their cat
is their or their lizard or their bird. For so
many of us, a pet is it's more than an animal,
(02:10):
And that's something you don't think you've understand till you
have one of your own. They are a family member,
They are a best friend. They can pull us out
of really hard times. They are a constant And I
know I could not imagine my life without her. But
after I got Tarloo, I really started to wonder, like,
why are they as special as they are? Like how
come I didn't feel this before? What makes her presence
(02:31):
make me feel so much joy. Why is this bond
so incredibly psychologically transformative? Basically, what is this human connection
and animal connection we have with these creatures that just
kind of live in our house. Well, today we're going
to get into that exact science, the science behind this
unique bond, from the hormones to the neurotransmitters in our brain,
(02:54):
to the psychological needs they fulfill, to how they change
our lives and our brain chemistry. We're also going to
touch on, in my opinion, one of the most painful
and often misunderstood parts of pet ownership, which is the
grief of losing them, something that I don't really see
a lot of people talk about. We're going to talk
about disentranchised grief and how losing your childhood pet in
(03:19):
your twenties can create a bit of an existential crisis
and can be so uniquely heartbreaking. I want to apologize
in advance. I'm gonna be talking about my own dog
so much throughout this episode because she is one of
the loves of my life. So again, I am sorry,
but I'm also not really to be honest, she is
the best. Hopefully you can join me in my excitement
(03:42):
drop your pet's name down below, especially if it has
like a human name, I want to know it. I'm
really excited to further explore this with you guys. So
without further ado, let's get into how pets change our lives.
I told you guys there was gonna be a lot
(04:02):
of Tarlou content. I want to tell you the story
about how I got her, not because anyone asked, but
because I just want to talk about her, and I
feel like it's a nice introduction to how I have
seen a pet change my life in the last year,
so not even the last year, in the last six months.
So this is the story of how I got my
(04:25):
my love, my dog, my Talu. So I made an
episode almost a year ago now, which is wild about
a really hard mental health time I had when I
basically just had like I had a mental breakdown. I
had a huge crisis, and at the time, I was
like in this really low point and I was like,
(04:46):
I should really get a dog, Like I need something
that's going to pull me out of this.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I need.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I need, like this is the only thing I can imagine.
Like it's gonna sound really hard, but really wanting to
be here for like I should get a pet. I
think they'll do will do a lot for me and
really help me and like allow me to feel like
there's meaning in the world again. So I'd kind of
been arming and ring about it for a while before
this moment, and I went to the RSPCA, went to
the shelter, and I met a couple dogs, one dog
(05:14):
who I really really liked, called Wolfe. So if you
adopted a black German Shepherd from RSPCA last year whose
name was Wolfe, hit me up. I hope she's doing well.
And I kind of like fell in love with that dog.
And I was like, you know what, this is not
the right time. I'm a bit too young, I had
a lot of travel coming up, I was living in
(05:35):
like a house that was not appropriate for a dog,
and I was like, this is kind of selfish. I'm
just gonna wait and see how I feel in six
months and we'll reassess. Six month mark came around and
I was like, you know what, I'm still feeling this.
I feel like I'm more prepared. I'm in a more
stable place to perhaps have a pet, but I'm gonna
(05:57):
foster first, Like I'm gonna foster an animal, I'm gonna
foster a couple of dogs and just see, just give
them like the chance to have a break from the shelter,
hopefully get them adopted. Hopefully, like use my platform so
that other people can find their like fairy soul mate.
And one of the dogs we fostered was Tarlu. Now,
Tylu has a really sad backstory. She was in the
(06:20):
pound for over a year because and she was not
allowed to leave the pound. She is like the most
perfect dog. She is like a forty kilo what's that like,
eighty pound math? No, she's like forty kilos. I'm sorry.
If you're in America, you gotta do the conversion. I'm sorry.
She's a huge dog. She's like this big black and
(06:41):
white dog. No idea what breed she is. But she
is like the most mild mannered, gentle dog ever. I
don't even think I've heard her bark maybe once. She
doesn't bark, she doesn't jump, She's fully trained. But she
wasn't available for adoption because basically her previous owners had
abused her and she had been removed from their care,
(07:05):
and they had then sued the RSPCA or made an
attempt to get her back until a judge had dismissed
their case, like had dismissed their right to her. And
this poor puppy, like she's missing a bunch of her teeth.
Someone has obviously kicked her at some point. She has
a massive burn on her nose. We first got her,
(07:27):
and I remember being in the car and turning to
Tom my boyfriend, and being like, oh, I really think
we've made a mistake, as in, like, we're not giving
this dog back. But I said Tim, I was very clear.
I was like, we are not making a decision for
three months. If someone comes along and adopts her in
this three month period, that's their dog. She's so wonderful,
(07:47):
she's so amazing, but they that's their dog. And a
couple of people were interested, but they would see how
big she was, they would make assumptions about her character.
They wanted a puppy, they wanted whatever, and they would like,
would never follow through. And so the three month mark
came around. Literally, the three month mark was the same
day that my book came out. And I don't know
if you guys know this, but my book came out
(08:09):
and I moved house within twenty four hours, and we
adopted Tylie on the same day because the three month
mark came around and I was like, this is my dog, Like,
this is my dog, and she is literally everything to me.
I spend almost twenty four hours a day with her.
I don't leave her for more than three hours a day.
(08:30):
She does sleep in my bed. Some people are discussed
it by this, but I just feel like she had
such a tough life, Like I don't know her whole story,
but I know it was pretty terrible. And then she
had to be in the shelter for a year. She
had such a tough life. She's gonna get whatever she wants.
And now she's got like duel income, no kids, Like
(08:51):
that's me and Tom's situation. She gets whatever toy she wants. Yeah,
we have dog gelato in our freezer. We don't have
ice cream for ourselves. We have dog ice cream. She
has outfits. You know, her dogbed is actually two dogbeds
on top of each other, like Princess and the Pea style.
And this is really what brings me to this point.
(09:14):
I've obviously changed her life, she has changed mine more so,
what is it about having a pet that is so
completely transformative for so many of us? Well, it turns
out it is not a singular thing. It is actually
a whole cocktail of different things of psychological and physical
benefits that come together to really improve our well being
(09:39):
and improve our development as humans. At the moment, loneliness
is literally described as an epidemic, and social networks can
feel fleeting, friendships can feel kind of surface level. We
don't have as many opportunities to interact. Pets circumvent that.
They provide a deep, constant connection that in times like
(10:01):
these we kind of can't always find anywhere else. They're
not gonna go cold on you. They are not gonna
ignore your texts because they don't have phones.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Duh.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Like they simply show up and they love you for
like exactly who you are that day. Studies consistently show
that interacting with a pet, interacting with an animal in general,
can reduce feelings of loneliness and increased feelings of social
connection those are fundamental to our mental health. In fact,
(10:32):
interacting with an animal is actually one of the most
surefire ways of immediately having a positive emotion spike, of
immediately feeling feeling an improvement in your mood, you know,
in a world that is kind of unpredictable. A pet
is this like anchor. This can provide us with like
basically a psychological safety net. You might think, Okay, even
(10:55):
if my life is really stressful right now, even if
there are people I can't trust, even if I feel disconnected,
I always have this relationship. I have this source of
comfort waiting for me at home, and sometimes that is
the only reassurance that you need. Pets also give us
(11:15):
this really clear sense of responsibility and routine, which is
incredibly grounding when we kind of feel like life is
sometimes losing a bit of its meaning or structure. For
many many people, you know, a pet is the reason
they get up in the morning. It is one of
the only reasons they may leave their house during the day.
It is the reason they stick to a schedule. When
(11:36):
you get a pet, like, they are completely reliant on you.
I know that's super obvious to say, but they are
super reliant on you. If it's a dog, like, you've
got to feed them, you've got to give them water,
you've got to walk them, you've got to brush them,
you've got to play with them. You've got to give
them mental stimulation, you've got to give them medication. Same
with a guinea pig, same with a bird, a rabbit,
(11:57):
a lizard. I've never had a reptile. I don't don't
really know, but I'm sure it's very, very similar. Whether
they have a good day or a bad day, whether
they survive or thrive, whether they are happy, whether they
are literally alive, all comes down to you. And that
absolutely is a big and scary thought. But it also
(12:19):
provides this feeling of structure and reliance that has actually
been shown to combat symptoms of depression and anxiety. One
study from twenty eighteen found that this is particularly powerful
for people really suffering with their mental health because there's
something about another living creature needing you that is sometimes
able to overcome the barriers that prevent us from taking
(12:44):
care of ourselves. People can be homeless, they can have
extreme psychosis, and still their pets are well taken care of.
Their pets are loved, trained, and fed. This psychological benefit
is tied to a except we talk about a lot
on the podcast self efficacy. Caring for a pet just
(13:05):
provides a very clear, tangible opportunity for individuals to feel
competent and to feel effective in their daily lives. The
successful fulfillment of a pet's needs reinforces your belief in
your own capabilities, which can be like a super powerful
antidote when you're feeling helpless or feeling like you know,
I can't do anything, no one needs me. And in
(13:26):
return for this reliance on us, pets give us this
unconditional love that we talked about. They literally do not
care who you are, what you have done, how bad
your day was. They continue to love you. And this
level of adoration and love that's pretty much unheard of
(13:50):
in any other kind of relationship, maybe like your family,
but not always like no matter how you're feeling, it
is this pure form of acceptance. Pets, particularly dogs, I think,
also serve as really powerful catalysts. Like we already talked
about loneliness, but it's not just that their presence makes
(14:12):
you feel less lonely. It's that they also are kind
of an inn to a social life beyond just them
of other dog owners, you know, bringing a dog to
the park or on a walk, the amount of people
that you talk to. It creates such amazing avenues for
social connection. The amount of intention you get when you're
(14:34):
out doing life with your fairy little companion, in the
wild is crazy. Like any time I take Tylie anywhere,
I am guaranteed to talk to at least five people.
I Also, I have literal dog park friends. Now I
have drinks with them at the park on Thursdays. We
all bring our little cans of beer and our little
cans of wine. And when we run out of things
(14:57):
to talk about, guess what, You just talk about your dog?
You just start watching what they're doing. You don't even
have to say anything. It basically provides a prepackaged, low
effort route into conversations with people. Those are the social
and mental health benefits. The physical benefits of this companionship
are also pretty obvious. You know, I've talked about dogs
(15:17):
a lot. They are the most common owned animal and
fairly sure domesticated owned animal. But dog owners actually tend
to be more physically active. They tend to have a
higher step count, and that also contributes to better emotional wellbeing.
The combination of movement and social interaction and purpose driven
movement as well, like I'm doing something for someone else
(15:40):
for something else makes them feel better in their daily lives.
Let's also talk about why this pet human bond is really,
really unique and not something that like we can just
dismiss as like, oh, it's just because they rely on you.
It's so much more in some ways, you know, it's
kind kind of similar to the relationships you would have
(16:03):
of a family member. I'm going to go as far
as to say that, but I think the key difference
is the fact that there is an absence of complex communication,
and there is an absence of just complexity in general
that can sometimes make other kinds of social connections feel
really burdensome. To really understand this, we kind of have
(16:25):
to rewind a little bit. Our relationship with animals was
not always this warm and fuzzy. For thousands of years,
it was all about work. The whole human animal bond
basically started as like a mutually beneficial business partnership over
twenty thousand years ago. Maybe I think it's between fifteen
and twenty thousand years ago. We're trying to find a
pinpoint if we look at how our relationship with dogs
(16:47):
has come about. For example, the ancestors of our modern dogs,
ancient wolves, probably started hanging out near campsites or small
communities to snag lefto food. Now, the ones who weren't
completely terrified of us. They had a serious advantage because
guess what, they could get closer, they could integrate easier,
(17:10):
they could become a favorite and in return for getting,
you know, little bites of food that we didn't want,
these dogs became a built and alarm system against predlars,
against other tribes. It was a trade over thousands of
years through a process of both natural and artificial selection.
Dogs were then bred for specific behavioral traits like vigilance,
(17:35):
like tameness, and then later for things like hunting, hrting
and guarding and also just like being really cute. It
was only much more recently in the last few centuries
that you know their role did actually shift from working
animal to cherished family member, although there is evidence of
like really deep emotional bonds all the way back like
(17:58):
twelve thousand years. Actually found this article from I think
it was the smith Sonian from a group of archaeologists
who found evidence of ancient people likely caring for a
sick and domesticated puppy for weeks on end before it died.
After it died, the dog was then buried with the
remains of another dog and an adult man and woman,
(18:21):
making it not only the oldest burial of a domesticated
dog on record, but also the oldest known grave to
contain both dogs and people. So when you look at
a dog's deep loyalty today, you are seeing an echo
of thousands and thousands of years of a working partnership
(18:41):
that is now transformed into just pure love. Cats they
have a different origin story. They were originally solitary hunters,
but they also totally figured out that our new farms
were packed with rodents, so they just started showing up
where we kept our grain, where we kept our harvest.
(19:02):
They were great for natural pest control, and we basically
just let them do their thing. Like dogs, the cats
that were more docile and tolerant of people were more successful.
But unlike dogs cats domestication process it was less of
like an artificial selection process and more of a natural
adaptation to like the humans that they were coexisting with. Basically,
(19:26):
cats have domesticated themselves, which I don't think is surprising
at all considering their independent nature. But basically, you know,
we've gone from you work for me to you're nice
to have around, to your family like I'm gonna buy
you clothes, I'm gonna buy you nicer food than I
do than I eat, I'm gonna let you sleep in
my bed. Like literally, when we first brought Tarloo home,
(19:51):
she wouldn't eat normal dog food because I think she
was just stressed and overwhelmed new environment. And so my
boyfriend Tom one day, he brought home organic chicken mints. Meanwhile,
we had generic chicken mints in the fridge for us
to eat. But Talou she got the fifteen dollar chicken mints.
She got the princess treatment. Honestly, sidebar. If you want
(20:15):
confirmation you're dating the right person, or your partner is
going to be a good parent, if you want to
be a parent, just see how well they treat your
pets like It is such a great litmus test. Like
Tom is obsessed with her, and it has made me
love him so much more. This profound sense of companionship.
It's also no accident. It's also no accident that Tom
(20:36):
fell in love with Tarlou. It is very easy to
link our relationship to our pets with the release of oxytocin.
Oxytocin known as the love hormone, known as the cuttle chemical. Obviously, yeah,
they're fluffy and they give us love and they cuddle
us but research from twenty fifteen even shows that when
dogs and their owners gaze into each other's eyes, both
(21:00):
opience a surge in oxytocin similar to that between humans
and infants. Everyone always says like, Oh, my dog is
like my baby, literal evidence of that this biochemical reinforcement.
It creates a feedback loop of attachment and bonding. It
solidifies the very unique nature of the relationship. And there's
a truly fascinating detail of this that perfectly illustrates our
(21:23):
kind of coevolution. Did you know puppy dog eyes are
actually not a natural wolf trait. Research from a twenty
nineteen study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy
of Sciences found that domestic dogs have a small muscle
in their eyes that wolves they don't even have, and
they have never had. This muscle allows dogs to basically
(21:45):
raise their inner eyebrow, creating the classic like puppy dog eyes.
So this movement, it actually makes their eyes look bigger,
It makes them look more infant like, which in turn
triggers a nurturing and caregiving response. In humans, they literally
have taught themselves how to look like a baby. This
study suggests as well, that the dogs who had the
(22:08):
more expressive eyebrows had a selective advantage because they looked cuter,
so they were more likely to be cared for, fed,
adopted by humans, and they passed that trade on. This
has actually been referred to as not survival of the fittest,
survival of the cutest, and it is a powerful example
of how dogs facial anatomy has been shaped by literally
(22:31):
evolving to tug on our heart strings. Pets also this
is another little known fact. They offer a form of
coregulation for our nervous systems, similar to the kind of
coregulation we sometimes find with other humans. When we pet
an animal, our heart rate actually slows down, our stress
response reduces, cortisol levels reduced, decrease, sorry, and we enter
(22:53):
a calmer, more regulated state. A study on an animal
visitation program amongst university students found that the simple act
of petting a dog around exam time reduced quarters or
levels and greatly increased feelings of support and pets it's
not just a passive thing, like, they don't just passively
(23:15):
make you calm, they also mirror our emotional states. This
was something I was so surprised to find out, but
also not like I've kind of seen this happen with
me and my dog. You know, when you've had like
a really bad day at work and then your dog
like just lies by your side for a cuddle, like
they just know that you need it. Research those that
dogs are actually masters at reading our emotional cues. They
(23:39):
combine information from our body language, vocal tones, facial expression,
even our scent to understand how we're feeling. There was
a recent study done in twenty twenty four that found
that dogs can detect subtle changes in our breath and
our sweat that indicate stress with over ninety percent accuracy.
(24:00):
Dog can literally smell when you're having a bad day,
and this kind of creates the basis for the emotional
mirroring or the like the emotional contagion that we're talking about,
where they catch our feelings and they reflect them back
now on a good day, this creates a really reciprocal
loop of positive energy, like I'm happy, You're happy, I'm happy,
You're happy, just gets better and better. But that can
(24:21):
just as easily reflect our stress, or our anxiety or
our sadness. Twenty nineteen study published in the journal Nature
found that dog's long term stress levels often sync up
with their owners, showing that our emotional state has a
very real impact on our own pets cauters or levels
and their own I guess mental well being. But this
(24:43):
unique reciprocal regulation where they calm us and our calm
presence in return calms them. It is what creates this
symbiotic bond that is truly unlike any other. The therapeutic
power of this connection, like it's so significant. It is
a core comp ponent of animal based therapy, where animals
are used to help people with their anxiety, with their PTSD,
(25:07):
with other mental health challenges with an astounding success rate.
Research also shows that therapy dogs can reduce anxiety and
stress greatly in educational and medical settings, to help children
undergo procedures, help them get vaccines, all these other things.
Not just dogs. The same goes with horses. If you
(25:30):
have the time look into the relationship between horses and
individuals with autism, it will blow your mind. Like, we
don't have the time to get into it. But when
I was researching this episode, I went into a complete
rabbit hole. It it is like honestly beautiful. There was
like one video, one story that made me cry. So
(25:52):
that's what you're in for, and I just think it
shows like this relationship is literally healing people. It's not
just companion. So we're going to take a short break here,
but when we return, we are going to talk about
some of the sadder parts about owning a pet and
talk about the heartbreaking reality of losing your childhood pet,
(26:14):
losing a pet in general, losing your companion and your
best friend, and how that elicits a pain that a
lot of people don't understand but which is very very real.
So stick with us. We'll be right back after this
short break. Given the in depth bond of this relationship
(26:35):
that we have with our pets, one of the most
agonizing experiences can be when we lose them, and it
actually elicits something that psychologists call disenfranchised grief. The term
disenfranchised grief it was coined by doctor Kenneth Docker to
(26:56):
describe a kind of pain that isn't necessarily socially sanctioned.
It isn't necessarily openly acknowledged or publicly supported, but it
is very much real. It is a kind of grief
that society tells us like we don't have the right
to feel, so we're kind of forced to mourn, mourn
in silence. You might hear distant friends or colleagues say
(27:20):
things like it was just a bird, it was just
a rabbit, or you know, just get another cap, get
another dog. This dismissive language, I think it's well intentioned.
It completely invalidates the intense pain of this loss. You
wouldn't say that about the loss of the family member,
but all of a sudden, it seems okay to be
(27:42):
quite insensitive because it's just a pet. They're lower on
our humanity ladder. It forces us into a painful internal
conflict where our intense feelings of sadness, you know, kind
of clash with the social narrative that says our grief
is disproportionate or even foolish. And this can make us
feel like if we were to openly grieve and be sad,
(28:07):
we would be shamed, we would be cringed at, we
would be treated differently. You know. I have been in
workplaces where someone has had time off for losing their
dog of sixteen years, and coworkers have literally rolled their
eyes or made comments about it as though it is
not significant. And I've genuinely never understood that because as
a family, like my family always had pets. We had rabbits,
(28:29):
we had guinea pigs, we had chickens, we had dogs.
So the thought of not having them, the thought of
losing my beloved animal, the thought of losing Taluo, like
you guys, wouldn't be hearing from me, the podcast would
be on a hiatus. Research on pet loss reveals that
the intensity of the grief it can be comparable to
the loss of a human family member. That is not
(28:51):
ridiculous to say. Twenty seventeen study found that pet owners
can experience a grieving process when it comes to that pet,
with many of the same stages and symptoms as mourning
a human, including depression, including anxiety, including a profound loss
of identity. I'm aware that I'm probably focusing more on
(29:13):
dogs than this episode because that is my main experience,
but this could literally apply to any animal that you
have as a pet. My cousin, she is, Oh my god,
I always forget what she is. Not a marine, a
wildlife biologist. She's a wild life biologist, coolest person out there,
and she has every single animal that you can possibly imagine, Like,
anytime I go to her house I like. Obviously I
(29:36):
love to talk to her, but I mainly just want
to feed every single well taken care of pet that
she owns. And at the start of the year she
lost her bird, pipsqueak. Let me tell you, it may
be just a bird to someone who doesn't understand that relationship,
but like she brought this bird back from the dead,
and she hand raised this bird. She like this animal
(29:59):
meant something to her. It doesn't matter what the species is.
It's the depth of the attachment that determines the intensity
of the grief. When that attachment is severed by death
and by loss, the pain is real and it should
not be minimized. But for many, you know, this experience
is complicated by a very unique and heavy burden. We
(30:21):
are often in the position where we might have to
make the call of when it's time to let them go.
We have to decide when it's the right time for
our pet to pass on. You know, it's an act
of mercy, but it can be agonizing. This decision is
always going to be one of the most compassionate ones
you can make. It doesn't mean it's not going to
(30:41):
be hard, and it can lead to such immense guilt
and a sense of helplessness because this thing is completely
reliant on us, and yet we are doing the unthinkable.
I know it is not an easy choice, and for
those of you who have had to do it, I
commend you. I can't imagine something so heavy. Sometimes I
(31:02):
think about Tyler dying and I just, I honestly don't
think I will be able to bear it, because it
is just it's hard. This is a weird tangent, but
super weird. It will make sense, I promise. But my
childhood dog, like I said, is super old, like he
doesn't have much longer and we've had him like from
my sister's eighteen and we got this dog when she
(31:25):
was two, Like she doesn't have memories without this dog.
And I was so worried, like how my sister's gonna
deal with this? Also my dad, like my dad and
my dog are best friends. And me and my mum
were talking about it and we were like, do we
get a rescue dog whilst Yoyo was still alive to
make the grief sting less or is that unfair for
his like final years to be overshadowed. And then just
(31:48):
a few months ago, this tiny kitten showed up so small,
so underweight, like so tiny, and I feel like I
know my dog's time is coming. But this is like
a little small thing, a gift from the universe. That's
like preparing my family and like showing that, you know,
(32:08):
I think that animal is meant to be in their
life for this next chapter. I still don't think I'll
be prepared for it, though. I feel like when he passes,
when he crosses the rainbow bridge, like that's when I
feel like I'm truly going to be an adult. A
lot of people have told me that the grief of
losing a childhood pet is actually like one of the
most disorientating things ever because it just brings about such
(32:31):
complex and weird emotion, waves of nostalgia, waves of mourning
for your childhood, Like your pets are like these silent
witnesses to all these milestones, to you graduating, to your
first job, to your first heartbreak, to your personal growth,
(32:52):
and so losing a childhood pet, you're not just losing
a loved one, You're also losing a tangible link to
an important part of your It can feel like the
definitive end of an error, the end of a specific
version of our innocence, of our childhood, of our family unit.
The sadness we feel is not just for the pet.
It's for so much more, and I think that deserves
(33:15):
a very compassionate space to be mourned. With all that
in mind, let's talk about something more positive. Let's talk
about the decision to bring a new pet into your life,
especially during your twenties, a time of so much personal change.
This is a decision that you have to think about
(33:36):
like You've got to think about it. You've got to
be super sure. So we're going to turn our attention
to the future here. What does a commitment to an
animal truly entail? How do you know when you are ready? Now,
none of this is going to be about me trying
to discourage you from doing what's best for you, But
I do want to really encourage you to just make
(33:57):
a conscious choice. There's going to be compassion to both
yourself and the animal. I also do know that dog
shelters and rescue centers, for example, are completely overflowing. So
it's important that this is a thought out decision. If
you get a pet and you decide you don't want it,
that's still your pet. I truly believe that is your
(34:18):
pet until the day it dies, and so you are
responsible for finding it a new home, making sure it
is taken care of, making sure that it has the
life that it deserves. That is the worst case scenario,
you having to give your pet up. It's not a
light decision. So before you make the decision to get them,
(34:41):
we want to minimize that as much as possible. I
want you to ask yourself four important questions. Number One,
depending on the life expectancy of your chosen pet, do
you have the financial stability for upwards of a decade
long commitment. Listen, my dog costs one hundred dollars, Like
(35:03):
in the grand scheme of things, that's not that much money.
She lost a hundred bucks. That compared to how much
I pay for her per month is nothing. Her worming
medication alone is one hundred dollars a month. Then it's
another one hundred dollars for her dog food, probably more,
to be honest, she's a big dog. It's probably a
lot more. Plus the toys because she choose through them all.
(35:25):
Plus three days a week she goes to doggy playgroup.
Because I wanted to have friends, and I wanted to
have as much fun as possible in her short life.
Obviously that's optional, but pets are expensive. Ask yourself if
you can afford not just the upfront cost, not just
the food and the toys, but the unexpected vet bills,
the annual checkups, pet insurance, any medications you might need
(35:48):
over a period of ten to fifteen years, doggy daycare.
Is there someone who's gonna look after the dog if
you can't. A sudden two thousand dollars emergency vet bill
because they found some chocolate on the floor can with
some serious stress on your life and an inability to
pay for that even more so, there's gonna be significant
guilt and heartbreak there. Pets will unconditionally love you, but
(36:10):
they also deserve to be in a stable and financially
secure environment. If we're choosing to take care of them,
like they don't get a choice. They don't get a
choice who chooses them. So if you're going to choose them,
make sure you're thinking about them as well. And obviously
things may change, But just with what you know now
about your circumstances, are you making the right decision? Second question,
(36:34):
does your lifestyle have a consistent routine? Pets, especially pets
that need regular feeding. Again, I have no idea what
lizards or snakes or stuff like that, or even birds need.
I'm so sorry, but I'm thinking like the cat, dog, rabbit,
guinea pig, hamster, fluffy vibe, pets thrive on regular routine.
They need regular walks, feeding times, attention training. If you're
(36:59):
someone who is constantly working late, traveling on a whim,
has a very unpredictable schedule, you need to be honest
about whether you can truly provide a stable, consistent environment
for this living creature. Something that made me so mad
the other day was this guy on Instagram in a
comment section asking for advice about his border collie. He
(37:22):
has a border collie, a one year old Border Collie
in an apartment. He lives by himself. He takes the
dog out to go to the bathroom in the morning,
then he goes to work from eight am to six pm,
goes to the gym, is not back until eight pm,
and then takes it for a walk. And he was like,
why is my dog tearing up my furniture? I would
(37:45):
be tearing up your furniture if you left me alone
in a house by myself for twelve hours at a
time and only took me outside what twice a day,
maybe not even that, like as an animal who's meant
to be outside? And he was like, what do I do?
Like that's it's too late to ask that question, obviously,
(38:07):
Like people gave him actual advice. But this is one
thing I have to say I don't have. I don't
really like to give people unsolicited advice. This is the
one thing that like really peeves me off. Don't get
a working breed, a young working breed if you live
in an apartment. Don't get a husky if you live
somewhere that's hot twelve months of the year. Don't get
a rabbit if you only have space for a tiny cage.
(38:30):
Don't get a pen because of esthetics when you can't
meet their needs. You know, I don't get really upset
about much, but that really annoys me when I see
people with an animal that is so clearly the wrong
choice for their lifestyle. Like I live in Sydney. Why
do you have a kelpie? If you like work twelve
(38:51):
hours a day and you don't exercise them. I literally
I can't. I don't understand. I'm like, why do you
have a kelpie? Isn't that annoying? Like that dog would
be going nuts? And I don't like to say I
don't understand everyone's circumstances. Obviously, and maybe I'm making like
maybe I'm having preconceived judgments, But like for the amount
(39:12):
of frickin' kelpies I see in my neighborhood where there
is like like, I don't understand it. I just don't
get it, Like it's a living creature. If you have
a specific breed or kind of pet you want, you
can always wait, you know, it's just maybe not the
right time to commit. Wait till you maybe get a property,
Wait till you have more money, Wait till you can,
(39:34):
you know, pay for someone to maybe take them out
when you can't. It will be more fun for you
as well and obviously for them when you can give
them what they need and it's not a constant stress
of am I doing enough? Third, I think this is
a huge one. Are you emotionally ready to put something
else first? This is a massive question. Our twenties are
(39:55):
a time for a lot of personal growth, and there's
a lot of things you might want to do that
you should be entitled to do. You should be able
to travel. You should be able to have fun, You
should be able to stay out all night. A pet, though,
requires you to put their needs first always. It means
sometimes sacrificing a spontaneous weekend away or a late night
out or travel to ensure they are cared for. It
(40:16):
means being there for them and getting out of bed
on your bad days even if you don't feel like it.
This is a beautiful and selfless commitment, but it is
vital to assess if you're truly ready and able to
put another being's needs before your own for a prolonged period,
especially like a puppy or a kitten. You could not
pay me to get a puppy that it's like a child.
(40:39):
It is literally like it's you've got a you couldn't
pay me, It's a lot. Are you ready for that? Lastly,
are you getting a pet for the right reasons? And
this is something that I had to ask myself as well.
Are you getting a pet to cure your loneliness? Are
you getting a pet because it's like an esthetic thing?
Are you getting a pet because you can imagine the
(40:59):
next year and how much fun it's going to be.
But nothing beyond that. Pet's a great help with loneliness.
Trust me, I work from home. I was so lonely
before I got Tarloo. Has she cured it for me? No,
and relying on her, relying on them for your own happiness.
Like we said, there's an emotional relationship. They feel that
(41:21):
and it puts an unfair burden on them. But also
you know you'll likely get them and be like, WHOA,
this isn't as amazing as I thought it was going
to be. And that's a hard position to be in.
The best reason to get a pet is a genuine
desire to care for and build a life with another being,
not as a quick fix for your emotional needs. There's
(41:42):
also like other options if you realize pet ownership isn't
for you. For example, family or friends have a pet,
you could offer a pet sit for them for a while.
Not only will they likely be very grateful, it means
you can actually get used to like what this is
going to require. It also means you can hand them
back and you don't have to like you don't have
(42:03):
the guilt of making a long term commitment. It's like
when people want me to hang out with their babies,
I'm like, absolutely, I will do that because I don't
have to take this baby home, like same thing with
a pet. I also had a friend who literally did
not pay rent for a full year because she did
pet sitting gigs. That's another option. There are so many
(42:24):
sites where people will be like, you can live in
my house for free if you look after my animal.
Many local shelters also really need volunteers, and they literally
need volunteers to play with the animals or to simply
just like sit with them in their cages. This is
like a really nice way to give back and to
receive that like animal led joy. Also something I highly
(42:47):
highly recommend is fostering. Obviously didn't work out for me
the way I wanted to. I ended up getting a dog,
but if you met her you would understand why, like
she's a once in a lifetime. But dog shelters are
quite literally overflowing. They always need support and a lot
of dogs aren't going to do well in a shelter,
same with cats. Getting them out of that environment is
(43:09):
just going to do wonders for them and it's going
to increase their chances of being adopted as well. It's
a defined period of care. Also, normally all the shelters
like the rescues will pay for the food bills, the
vet bills, they'll give you toys. It's like amazing, It's
like the best of both worlds. And finally, because I'm
not done with giving unsolicited advice about pet ownership, if
(43:33):
you're thinking about getting a dog or a cat, or
even like a rabbit or a guinea pig or a
chicken like whatever, please consider going to the shelter first,
and please read up on responsible breeding. There are so
many misconceptions about rescue animals out there. You have no
idea the work that these places put into these dogs
(43:55):
and these animals to make sure that they go to
loving homes. I would say ninety five percent of the time,
like they're absolutely perfect. And if you want a specific breed,
which I totally get, I can guarantee you there is
a rescue organization that specializes in that breed and takes
on people's pets of that breed that they don't want
anymore to rehome them. And it's not gonna cost you
(44:16):
like four and a half thousand dollars that you're gonna
pay to someone who you have no idea what their
intentions are. I just think secondhand secondhand dog, secondhand cat,
third hand dog, third hand cat, like it's I think
it's fun. I really think that they end up being
amazing animals. So I think that's all that we have
(44:38):
time for today, and I hope that you have learned
something about this deep connection we have with the furry
critters in our lives, whether you have one or not,
whether you want one or not. I hope that checklist
of questions may be either confirmed something for you or
made you realize that you know that's something for you
to look forward to. I loved making this episode. I'm
(44:58):
just gonna like dedicate this to Time. I love her
so much. Is that a surprise? Probably not, but I
had such a joy recording this, So thank you for listening.
Leave your pet's name down below as well, like I said,
especially if they had a human name. I just want
to thank our researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to
this episode and for her amazing work. As always, if
you want to learn more, if you want some behind
(45:20):
the scenes content, if you want summaries of episodes, you
can follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. Make
sure that you are following us here, on Spotify, Apple Podcasts,
the iHeartRadio app, wherever you are listening, and give us
a five star review if you feel called to do so.
It really helps the show reach new people. It's an
(45:40):
amazing freeway to say you appreciate us as well. If
you do. I don't know if you do, but if
you do, thank you. Until next time, stay safe, be kind,
be gentle with yourself. Love, Go and put some love
and on a cute little puppy out there. Go and
go to the dog park this afternoon. We will talk
very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, and new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are
in the world, it is so great to have you here.
Back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. Today, we are going to
talk about a relationship that is honestly like no other.
(00:44):
It is unrivaled. It is a special kind of special
and that is the one that we have with our pets,
especially but not just, but especially in our twenties when
they could honestly be a lifeline. You know, I've always
loved animals. I've had such a soft spot for them.
I'm an animal goal. I had pets growing up. I
(01:05):
had an obese white rabbit for a long time. My
childhood dog, yo Yo, is somehow still alive at sixteen
years old, God bless. I've always pet sit It. I've
always been around animals, But earlier this year, as some
of you may know, I adopted my dog Talu and
it feels like a whole new side of life has
(01:26):
opened up for me. And it is really what made
me want to do this episode today. It's gonna sound wild.
I truly did not realize how much I could love
another living creature. I did not realize how much they
could change how I saw the world. Like the way
I talk about her, I honestly sometimes feel like people
(01:49):
think I have joined a new religion. It is genuinely
like an unparalleled joy to walk through the door every
day and like she is there and she is happy
to see me the same way it is, I'm sure
a joy for people that come home and their cat
is their or their lizard or their bird. For so
many of us, a pet is it's more than an animal,
(02:10):
And that's something you don't think you've understand till you
have one of your own. They are a family member,
They are a best friend. They can pull us out
of really hard times. They are a constant And I
know I could not imagine my life without her. But
after I got Tarloo, I really started to wonder, like,
why are they as special as they are? Like how
come I didn't feel this before? What makes her presence
(02:31):
make me feel so much joy. Why is this bond
so incredibly psychologically transformative? Basically, what is this human connection
and animal connection we have with these creatures that just
kind of live in our house. Well, today we're going
to get into that exact science, the science behind this
unique bond, from the hormones to the neurotransmitters in our brain,
(02:54):
to the psychological needs they fulfill, to how they change
our lives and our brain chemistry. We're also going to
touch on, in my opinion, one of the most painful
and often misunderstood parts of pet ownership, which is the
grief of losing them, something that I don't really see
a lot of people talk about. We're going to talk
about disentranchised grief and how losing your childhood pet in
(03:19):
your twenties can create a bit of an existential crisis
and can be so uniquely heartbreaking. I want to apologize
in advance. I'm gonna be talking about my own dog
so much throughout this episode because she is one of
the loves of my life. So again, I am sorry,
but I'm also not really to be honest, she is
the best. Hopefully you can join me in my excitement
(03:42):
drop your pet's name down below, especially if it has
like a human name, I want to know it. I'm
really excited to further explore this with you guys. So
without further ado, let's get into how pets change our lives.
I told you guys there was gonna be a lot
(04:02):
of Tarlou content. I want to tell you the story
about how I got her, not because anyone asked, but
because I just want to talk about her, and I
feel like it's a nice introduction to how I have
seen a pet change my life in the last year,
so not even the last year, in the last six months.
So this is the story of how I got my
(04:25):
my love, my dog, my Talu. So I made an
episode almost a year ago now, which is wild about
a really hard mental health time I had when I
basically just had like I had a mental breakdown. I
had a huge crisis, and at the time, I was
like in this really low point and I was like,
(04:46):
I should really get a dog, Like I need something
that's going to pull me out of this.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I need.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I need, like this is the only thing I can imagine.
Like it's gonna sound really hard, but really wanting to
be here for like I should get a pet. I
think they'll do will do a lot for me and
really help me and like allow me to feel like
there's meaning in the world again. So I'd kind of
been arming and ring about it for a while before
this moment, and I went to the RSPCA, went to
the shelter, and I met a couple dogs, one dog
(05:14):
who I really really liked, called Wolfe. So if you
adopted a black German Shepherd from RSPCA last year whose
name was Wolfe, hit me up. I hope she's doing well.
And I kind of like fell in love with that dog.
And I was like, you know what, this is not
the right time. I'm a bit too young, I had
a lot of travel coming up, I was living in
(05:35):
like a house that was not appropriate for a dog,
and I was like, this is kind of selfish. I'm
just gonna wait and see how I feel in six
months and we'll reassess. Six month mark came around and
I was like, you know what, I'm still feeling this.
I feel like I'm more prepared. I'm in a more
stable place to perhaps have a pet, but I'm gonna
(05:57):
foster first, Like I'm gonna foster an animal, I'm gonna
foster a couple of dogs and just see, just give
them like the chance to have a break from the shelter,
hopefully get them adopted. Hopefully, like use my platform so
that other people can find their like fairy soul mate.
And one of the dogs we fostered was Tarlu. Now,
Tylu has a really sad backstory. She was in the
(06:20):
pound for over a year because and she was not
allowed to leave the pound. She is like the most
perfect dog. She is like a forty kilo what's that like,
eighty pound math? No, she's like forty kilos. I'm sorry.
If you're in America, you gotta do the conversion. I'm sorry.
She's a huge dog. She's like this big black and
(06:41):
white dog. No idea what breed she is. But she
is like the most mild mannered, gentle dog ever. I
don't even think I've heard her bark maybe once. She
doesn't bark, she doesn't jump, She's fully trained. But she
wasn't available for adoption because basically her previous owners had
abused her and she had been removed from their care,
(07:05):
and they had then sued the RSPCA or made an
attempt to get her back until a judge had dismissed
their case, like had dismissed their right to her. And
this poor puppy, like she's missing a bunch of her teeth.
Someone has obviously kicked her at some point. She has
a massive burn on her nose. We first got her,
(07:27):
and I remember being in the car and turning to
Tom my boyfriend, and being like, oh, I really think
we've made a mistake, as in, like, we're not giving
this dog back. But I said Tim, I was very clear.
I was like, we are not making a decision for
three months. If someone comes along and adopts her in
this three month period, that's their dog. She's so wonderful,
(07:47):
she's so amazing, but they that's their dog. And a
couple of people were interested, but they would see how
big she was, they would make assumptions about her character.
They wanted a puppy, they wanted whatever, and they would like,
would never follow through. And so the three month mark
came around. Literally, the three month mark was the same
day that my book came out. And I don't know
if you guys know this, but my book came out
(08:09):
and I moved house within twenty four hours, and we
adopted Tylie on the same day because the three month
mark came around and I was like, this is my dog, Like,
this is my dog, and she is literally everything to me.
I spend almost twenty four hours a day with her.
I don't leave her for more than three hours a day.
(08:30):
She does sleep in my bed. Some people are discussed
it by this, but I just feel like she had
such a tough life, Like I don't know her whole story,
but I know it was pretty terrible. And then she
had to be in the shelter for a year. She
had such a tough life. She's gonna get whatever she wants.
And now she's got like duel income, no kids, Like
(08:51):
that's me and Tom's situation. She gets whatever toy she wants. Yeah,
we have dog gelato in our freezer. We don't have
ice cream for ourselves. We have dog ice cream. She
has outfits. You know, her dogbed is actually two dogbeds
on top of each other, like Princess and the Pea style.
And this is really what brings me to this point.
(09:14):
I've obviously changed her life, she has changed mine more so,
what is it about having a pet that is so
completely transformative for so many of us? Well, it turns
out it is not a singular thing. It is actually
a whole cocktail of different things of psychological and physical
benefits that come together to really improve our well being
(09:39):
and improve our development as humans. At the moment, loneliness
is literally described as an epidemic, and social networks can
feel fleeting, friendships can feel kind of surface level. We
don't have as many opportunities to interact. Pets circumvent that.
They provide a deep, constant connection that in times like
(10:01):
these we kind of can't always find anywhere else. They're
not gonna go cold on you. They are not gonna
ignore your texts because they don't have phones.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Duh.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Like they simply show up and they love you for
like exactly who you are that day. Studies consistently show
that interacting with a pet, interacting with an animal in general,
can reduce feelings of loneliness and increased feelings of social
connection those are fundamental to our mental health. In fact,
(10:32):
interacting with an animal is actually one of the most
surefire ways of immediately having a positive emotion spike, of
immediately feeling feeling an improvement in your mood, you know,
in a world that is kind of unpredictable. A pet
is this like anchor. This can provide us with like
basically a psychological safety net. You might think, Okay, even
(10:55):
if my life is really stressful right now, even if
there are people I can't trust, even if I feel disconnected,
I always have this relationship. I have this source of
comfort waiting for me at home, and sometimes that is
the only reassurance that you need. Pets also give us
(11:15):
this really clear sense of responsibility and routine, which is
incredibly grounding when we kind of feel like life is
sometimes losing a bit of its meaning or structure. For
many many people, you know, a pet is the reason
they get up in the morning. It is one of
the only reasons they may leave their house during the day.
It is the reason they stick to a schedule. When
(11:36):
you get a pet, like, they are completely reliant on you.
I know that's super obvious to say, but they are
super reliant on you. If it's a dog, like, you've
got to feed them, you've got to give them water,
you've got to walk them, you've got to brush them,
you've got to play with them. You've got to give
them mental stimulation, you've got to give them medication. Same
with a guinea pig, same with a bird, a rabbit,
(11:57):
a lizard. I've never had a reptile. I don't don't
really know, but I'm sure it's very, very similar. Whether
they have a good day or a bad day, whether
they survive or thrive, whether they are happy, whether they
are literally alive, all comes down to you. And that
absolutely is a big and scary thought. But it also
(12:19):
provides this feeling of structure and reliance that has actually
been shown to combat symptoms of depression and anxiety. One
study from twenty eighteen found that this is particularly powerful
for people really suffering with their mental health because there's
something about another living creature needing you that is sometimes
able to overcome the barriers that prevent us from taking
(12:44):
care of ourselves. People can be homeless, they can have
extreme psychosis, and still their pets are well taken care of.
Their pets are loved, trained, and fed. This psychological benefit
is tied to a except we talk about a lot
on the podcast self efficacy. Caring for a pet just
(13:05):
provides a very clear, tangible opportunity for individuals to feel
competent and to feel effective in their daily lives. The
successful fulfillment of a pet's needs reinforces your belief in
your own capabilities, which can be like a super powerful
antidote when you're feeling helpless or feeling like you know,
I can't do anything, no one needs me. And in
(13:26):
return for this reliance on us, pets give us this
unconditional love that we talked about. They literally do not
care who you are, what you have done, how bad
your day was. They continue to love you. And this
level of adoration and love that's pretty much unheard of
(13:50):
in any other kind of relationship, maybe like your family,
but not always like no matter how you're feeling, it
is this pure form of acceptance. Pets, particularly dogs, I think,
also serve as really powerful catalysts. Like we already talked
about loneliness, but it's not just that their presence makes
(14:12):
you feel less lonely. It's that they also are kind
of an inn to a social life beyond just them
of other dog owners, you know, bringing a dog to
the park or on a walk, the amount of people
that you talk to. It creates such amazing avenues for
social connection. The amount of intention you get when you're
(14:34):
out doing life with your fairy little companion, in the
wild is crazy. Like any time I take Tylie anywhere,
I am guaranteed to talk to at least five people.
I Also, I have literal dog park friends. Now I
have drinks with them at the park on Thursdays. We
all bring our little cans of beer and our little
cans of wine. And when we run out of things
(14:57):
to talk about, guess what, You just talk about your dog?
You just start watching what they're doing. You don't even
have to say anything. It basically provides a prepackaged, low
effort route into conversations with people. Those are the social
and mental health benefits. The physical benefits of this companionship
are also pretty obvious. You know, I've talked about dogs
(15:17):
a lot. They are the most common owned animal and
fairly sure domesticated owned animal. But dog owners actually tend
to be more physically active. They tend to have a
higher step count, and that also contributes to better emotional wellbeing.
The combination of movement and social interaction and purpose driven
movement as well, like I'm doing something for someone else
(15:40):
for something else makes them feel better in their daily lives.
Let's also talk about why this pet human bond is really,
really unique and not something that like we can just
dismiss as like, oh, it's just because they rely on you.
It's so much more in some ways, you know, it's
kind kind of similar to the relationships you would have
(16:03):
of a family member. I'm going to go as far
as to say that, but I think the key difference
is the fact that there is an absence of complex communication,
and there is an absence of just complexity in general
that can sometimes make other kinds of social connections feel
really burdensome. To really understand this, we kind of have
(16:25):
to rewind a little bit. Our relationship with animals was
not always this warm and fuzzy. For thousands of years,
it was all about work. The whole human animal bond
basically started as like a mutually beneficial business partnership over
twenty thousand years ago. Maybe I think it's between fifteen
and twenty thousand years ago. We're trying to find a
pinpoint if we look at how our relationship with dogs
(16:47):
has come about. For example, the ancestors of our modern dogs,
ancient wolves, probably started hanging out near campsites or small
communities to snag lefto food. Now, the ones who weren't
completely terrified of us. They had a serious advantage because
guess what, they could get closer, they could integrate easier,
(17:10):
they could become a favorite and in return for getting,
you know, little bites of food that we didn't want,
these dogs became a built and alarm system against predlars,
against other tribes. It was a trade over thousands of
years through a process of both natural and artificial selection.
Dogs were then bred for specific behavioral traits like vigilance,
(17:35):
like tameness, and then later for things like hunting, hrting
and guarding and also just like being really cute. It
was only much more recently in the last few centuries
that you know their role did actually shift from working
animal to cherished family member, although there is evidence of
like really deep emotional bonds all the way back like
(17:58):
twelve thousand years. Actually found this article from I think
it was the smith Sonian from a group of archaeologists
who found evidence of ancient people likely caring for a
sick and domesticated puppy for weeks on end before it died.
After it died, the dog was then buried with the
remains of another dog and an adult man and woman,
(18:21):
making it not only the oldest burial of a domesticated
dog on record, but also the oldest known grave to
contain both dogs and people. So when you look at
a dog's deep loyalty today, you are seeing an echo
of thousands and thousands of years of a working partnership
(18:41):
that is now transformed into just pure love. Cats they
have a different origin story. They were originally solitary hunters,
but they also totally figured out that our new farms
were packed with rodents, so they just started showing up
where we kept our grain, where we kept our harvest.
(19:02):
They were great for natural pest control, and we basically
just let them do their thing. Like dogs, the cats
that were more docile and tolerant of people were more successful.
But unlike dogs cats domestication process it was less of
like an artificial selection process and more of a natural
adaptation to like the humans that they were coexisting with. Basically,
(19:26):
cats have domesticated themselves, which I don't think is surprising
at all considering their independent nature. But basically, you know,
we've gone from you work for me to you're nice
to have around, to your family like I'm gonna buy
you clothes, I'm gonna buy you nicer food than I
do than I eat, I'm gonna let you sleep in
my bed. Like literally, when we first brought Tarloo home,
(19:51):
she wouldn't eat normal dog food because I think she
was just stressed and overwhelmed new environment. And so my
boyfriend Tom one day, he brought home organic chicken mints. Meanwhile,
we had generic chicken mints in the fridge for us
to eat. But Talou she got the fifteen dollar chicken mints.
She got the princess treatment. Honestly, sidebar. If you want
(20:15):
confirmation you're dating the right person, or your partner is
going to be a good parent, if you want to
be a parent, just see how well they treat your
pets like It is such a great litmus test. Like
Tom is obsessed with her, and it has made me
love him so much more. This profound sense of companionship.
It's also no accident. It's also no accident that Tom
(20:36):
fell in love with Tarlou. It is very easy to
link our relationship to our pets with the release of oxytocin.
Oxytocin known as the love hormone, known as the cuttle chemical. Obviously, yeah,
they're fluffy and they give us love and they cuddle
us but research from twenty fifteen even shows that when
dogs and their owners gaze into each other's eyes, both
(21:00):
opience a surge in oxytocin similar to that between humans
and infants. Everyone always says like, Oh, my dog is
like my baby, literal evidence of that this biochemical reinforcement.
It creates a feedback loop of attachment and bonding. It
solidifies the very unique nature of the relationship. And there's
a truly fascinating detail of this that perfectly illustrates our
(21:23):
kind of coevolution. Did you know puppy dog eyes are
actually not a natural wolf trait. Research from a twenty
nineteen study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy
of Sciences found that domestic dogs have a small muscle
in their eyes that wolves they don't even have, and
they have never had. This muscle allows dogs to basically
(21:45):
raise their inner eyebrow, creating the classic like puppy dog eyes.
So this movement, it actually makes their eyes look bigger,
It makes them look more infant like, which in turn
triggers a nurturing and caregiving response. In humans, they literally
have taught themselves how to look like a baby. This
study suggests as well, that the dogs who had the
(22:08):
more expressive eyebrows had a selective advantage because they looked cuter,
so they were more likely to be cared for, fed,
adopted by humans, and they passed that trade on. This
has actually been referred to as not survival of the fittest,
survival of the cutest, and it is a powerful example
of how dogs facial anatomy has been shaped by literally
(22:31):
evolving to tug on our heart strings. Pets also this
is another little known fact. They offer a form of
coregulation for our nervous systems, similar to the kind of
coregulation we sometimes find with other humans. When we pet
an animal, our heart rate actually slows down, our stress
response reduces, cortisol levels reduced, decrease, sorry, and we enter
(22:53):
a calmer, more regulated state. A study on an animal
visitation program amongst university students found that the simple act
of petting a dog around exam time reduced quarters or
levels and greatly increased feelings of support and pets it's
not just a passive thing, like, they don't just passively
(23:15):
make you calm, they also mirror our emotional states. This
was something I was so surprised to find out, but
also not like I've kind of seen this happen with
me and my dog. You know, when you've had like
a really bad day at work and then your dog
like just lies by your side for a cuddle, like
they just know that you need it. Research those that
dogs are actually masters at reading our emotional cues. They
(23:39):
combine information from our body language, vocal tones, facial expression,
even our scent to understand how we're feeling. There was
a recent study done in twenty twenty four that found
that dogs can detect subtle changes in our breath and
our sweat that indicate stress with over ninety percent accuracy.
(24:00):
Dog can literally smell when you're having a bad day,
and this kind of creates the basis for the emotional
mirroring or the like the emotional contagion that we're talking about,
where they catch our feelings and they reflect them back
now on a good day, this creates a really reciprocal
loop of positive energy, like I'm happy, You're happy, I'm happy,
You're happy, just gets better and better. But that can
(24:21):
just as easily reflect our stress, or our anxiety or
our sadness. Twenty nineteen study published in the journal Nature
found that dog's long term stress levels often sync up
with their owners, showing that our emotional state has a
very real impact on our own pets cauters or levels
and their own I guess mental well being. But this
(24:43):
unique reciprocal regulation where they calm us and our calm
presence in return calms them. It is what creates this
symbiotic bond that is truly unlike any other. The therapeutic
power of this connection, like it's so significant. It is
a core comp ponent of animal based therapy, where animals
are used to help people with their anxiety, with their PTSD,
(25:07):
with other mental health challenges with an astounding success rate.
Research also shows that therapy dogs can reduce anxiety and
stress greatly in educational and medical settings, to help children
undergo procedures, help them get vaccines, all these other things.
Not just dogs. The same goes with horses. If you
(25:30):
have the time look into the relationship between horses and
individuals with autism, it will blow your mind. Like, we
don't have the time to get into it. But when
I was researching this episode, I went into a complete
rabbit hole. It it is like honestly beautiful. There was
like one video, one story that made me cry. So
(25:52):
that's what you're in for, and I just think it
shows like this relationship is literally healing people. It's not
just companion. So we're going to take a short break here,
but when we return, we are going to talk about
some of the sadder parts about owning a pet and
talk about the heartbreaking reality of losing your childhood pet,
(26:14):
losing a pet in general, losing your companion and your
best friend, and how that elicits a pain that a
lot of people don't understand but which is very very real.
So stick with us. We'll be right back after this
short break. Given the in depth bond of this relationship
(26:35):
that we have with our pets, one of the most
agonizing experiences can be when we lose them, and it
actually elicits something that psychologists call disenfranchised grief. The term
disenfranchised grief it was coined by doctor Kenneth Docker to
(26:56):
describe a kind of pain that isn't necessarily socially sanctioned.
It isn't necessarily openly acknowledged or publicly supported, but it
is very much real. It is a kind of grief
that society tells us like we don't have the right
to feel, so we're kind of forced to mourn, mourn
in silence. You might hear distant friends or colleagues say
(27:20):
things like it was just a bird, it was just
a rabbit, or you know, just get another cap, get
another dog. This dismissive language, I think it's well intentioned.
It completely invalidates the intense pain of this loss. You
wouldn't say that about the loss of the family member,
but all of a sudden, it seems okay to be
(27:42):
quite insensitive because it's just a pet. They're lower on
our humanity ladder. It forces us into a painful internal
conflict where our intense feelings of sadness, you know, kind
of clash with the social narrative that says our grief
is disproportionate or even foolish. And this can make us
feel like if we were to openly grieve and be sad,
(28:07):
we would be shamed, we would be cringed at, we
would be treated differently. You know. I have been in
workplaces where someone has had time off for losing their
dog of sixteen years, and coworkers have literally rolled their
eyes or made comments about it as though it is
not significant. And I've genuinely never understood that because as
a family, like my family always had pets. We had rabbits,
(28:29):
we had guinea pigs, we had chickens, we had dogs.
So the thought of not having them, the thought of
losing my beloved animal, the thought of losing Taluo, like
you guys, wouldn't be hearing from me, the podcast would
be on a hiatus. Research on pet loss reveals that
the intensity of the grief it can be comparable to
the loss of a human family member. That is not
(28:51):
ridiculous to say. Twenty seventeen study found that pet owners
can experience a grieving process when it comes to that pet,
with many of the same stages and symptoms as mourning
a human, including depression, including anxiety, including a profound loss
of identity. I'm aware that I'm probably focusing more on
(29:13):
dogs than this episode because that is my main experience,
but this could literally apply to any animal that you
have as a pet. My cousin, she is, Oh my god,
I always forget what she is. Not a marine, a
wildlife biologist. She's a wild life biologist, coolest person out there,
and she has every single animal that you can possibly imagine, Like,
anytime I go to her house I like. Obviously I
(29:36):
love to talk to her, but I mainly just want
to feed every single well taken care of pet that
she owns. And at the start of the year she
lost her bird, pipsqueak. Let me tell you, it may
be just a bird to someone who doesn't understand that relationship,
but like she brought this bird back from the dead,
and she hand raised this bird. She like this animal
(29:59):
meant something to her. It doesn't matter what the species is.
It's the depth of the attachment that determines the intensity
of the grief. When that attachment is severed by death
and by loss, the pain is real and it should
not be minimized. But for many, you know, this experience
is complicated by a very unique and heavy burden. We
(30:21):
are often in the position where we might have to
make the call of when it's time to let them go.
We have to decide when it's the right time for
our pet to pass on. You know, it's an act
of mercy, but it can be agonizing. This decision is
always going to be one of the most compassionate ones
you can make. It doesn't mean it's not going to
(30:41):
be hard, and it can lead to such immense guilt
and a sense of helplessness because this thing is completely
reliant on us, and yet we are doing the unthinkable.
I know it is not an easy choice, and for
those of you who have had to do it, I
commend you. I can't imagine something so heavy. Sometimes I
(31:02):
think about Tyler dying and I just, I honestly don't
think I will be able to bear it, because it
is just it's hard. This is a weird tangent, but
super weird. It will make sense, I promise. But my
childhood dog, like I said, is super old, like he
doesn't have much longer and we've had him like from
my sister's eighteen and we got this dog when she
(31:25):
was two, Like she doesn't have memories without this dog.
And I was so worried, like how my sister's gonna
deal with this? Also my dad, like my dad and
my dog are best friends. And me and my mum
were talking about it and we were like, do we
get a rescue dog whilst Yoyo was still alive to
make the grief sting less or is that unfair for
his like final years to be overshadowed. And then just
(31:48):
a few months ago, this tiny kitten showed up so small,
so underweight, like so tiny, and I feel like I
know my dog's time is coming. But this is like
a little small thing, a gift from the universe. That's
like preparing my family and like showing that, you know,
(32:08):
I think that animal is meant to be in their
life for this next chapter. I still don't think I'll
be prepared for it, though. I feel like when he passes,
when he crosses the rainbow bridge, like that's when I
feel like I'm truly going to be an adult. A
lot of people have told me that the grief of
losing a childhood pet is actually like one of the
most disorientating things ever because it just brings about such
(32:31):
complex and weird emotion, waves of nostalgia, waves of mourning
for your childhood, Like your pets are like these silent
witnesses to all these milestones, to you graduating, to your
first job, to your first heartbreak, to your personal growth,
(32:52):
and so losing a childhood pet, you're not just losing
a loved one, You're also losing a tangible link to
an important part of your It can feel like the
definitive end of an error, the end of a specific
version of our innocence, of our childhood, of our family unit.
The sadness we feel is not just for the pet.
It's for so much more, and I think that deserves
(33:15):
a very compassionate space to be mourned. With all that
in mind, let's talk about something more positive. Let's talk
about the decision to bring a new pet into your life,
especially during your twenties, a time of so much personal change.
This is a decision that you have to think about
(33:36):
like You've got to think about it. You've got to
be super sure. So we're going to turn our attention
to the future here. What does a commitment to an
animal truly entail? How do you know when you are ready? Now,
none of this is going to be about me trying
to discourage you from doing what's best for you, But
I do want to really encourage you to just make
(33:57):
a conscious choice. There's going to be compassion to both
yourself and the animal. I also do know that dog
shelters and rescue centers, for example, are completely overflowing. So
it's important that this is a thought out decision. If
you get a pet and you decide you don't want it,
that's still your pet. I truly believe that is your
(34:18):
pet until the day it dies, and so you are
responsible for finding it a new home, making sure it
is taken care of, making sure that it has the
life that it deserves. That is the worst case scenario,
you having to give your pet up. It's not a
light decision. So before you make the decision to get them,
(34:41):
we want to minimize that as much as possible. I
want you to ask yourself four important questions. Number One,
depending on the life expectancy of your chosen pet, do
you have the financial stability for upwards of a decade
long commitment. Listen, my dog costs one hundred dollars, Like
(35:03):
in the grand scheme of things, that's not that much money.
She lost a hundred bucks. That compared to how much
I pay for her per month is nothing. Her worming
medication alone is one hundred dollars a month. Then it's
another one hundred dollars for her dog food, probably more,
to be honest, she's a big dog. It's probably a
lot more. Plus the toys because she choose through them all.
(35:25):
Plus three days a week she goes to doggy playgroup.
Because I wanted to have friends, and I wanted to
have as much fun as possible in her short life.
Obviously that's optional, but pets are expensive. Ask yourself if
you can afford not just the upfront cost, not just
the food and the toys, but the unexpected vet bills,
the annual checkups, pet insurance, any medications you might need
(35:48):
over a period of ten to fifteen years, doggy daycare.
Is there someone who's gonna look after the dog if
you can't. A sudden two thousand dollars emergency vet bill
because they found some chocolate on the floor can with
some serious stress on your life and an inability to
pay for that even more so, there's gonna be significant
guilt and heartbreak there. Pets will unconditionally love you, but
(36:10):
they also deserve to be in a stable and financially
secure environment. If we're choosing to take care of them,
like they don't get a choice. They don't get a
choice who chooses them. So if you're going to choose them,
make sure you're thinking about them as well. And obviously
things may change, But just with what you know now
about your circumstances, are you making the right decision? Second question,
(36:34):
does your lifestyle have a consistent routine? Pets, especially pets
that need regular feeding. Again, I have no idea what
lizards or snakes or stuff like that, or even birds need.
I'm so sorry, but I'm thinking like the cat, dog, rabbit,
guinea pig, hamster, fluffy vibe, pets thrive on regular routine.
They need regular walks, feeding times, attention training. If you're
(36:59):
someone who is constantly working late, traveling on a whim,
has a very unpredictable schedule, you need to be honest
about whether you can truly provide a stable, consistent environment
for this living creature. Something that made me so mad
the other day was this guy on Instagram in a
comment section asking for advice about his border collie. He
(37:22):
has a border collie, a one year old Border Collie
in an apartment. He lives by himself. He takes the
dog out to go to the bathroom in the morning,
then he goes to work from eight am to six pm,
goes to the gym, is not back until eight pm,
and then takes it for a walk. And he was like,
why is my dog tearing up my furniture? I would
(37:45):
be tearing up your furniture if you left me alone
in a house by myself for twelve hours at a
time and only took me outside what twice a day,
maybe not even that, like as an animal who's meant
to be outside? And he was like, what do I do?
Like that's it's too late to ask that question, obviously,
(38:07):
Like people gave him actual advice. But this is one
thing I have to say I don't have. I don't
really like to give people unsolicited advice. This is the
one thing that like really peeves me off. Don't get
a working breed, a young working breed if you live
in an apartment. Don't get a husky if you live
somewhere that's hot twelve months of the year. Don't get
a rabbit if you only have space for a tiny cage.
(38:30):
Don't get a pen because of esthetics when you can't
meet their needs. You know, I don't get really upset
about much, but that really annoys me when I see
people with an animal that is so clearly the wrong
choice for their lifestyle. Like I live in Sydney. Why
do you have a kelpie? If you like work twelve
(38:51):
hours a day and you don't exercise them. I literally
I can't. I don't understand. I'm like, why do you
have a kelpie? Isn't that annoying? Like that dog would
be going nuts? And I don't like to say I
don't understand everyone's circumstances. Obviously, and maybe I'm making like
maybe I'm having preconceived judgments, But like for the amount
(39:12):
of frickin' kelpies I see in my neighborhood where there
is like like, I don't understand it. I just don't
get it, Like it's a living creature. If you have
a specific breed or kind of pet you want, you
can always wait, you know, it's just maybe not the
right time to commit. Wait till you maybe get a property,
Wait till you have more money, Wait till you can,
(39:34):
you know, pay for someone to maybe take them out
when you can't. It will be more fun for you
as well and obviously for them when you can give
them what they need and it's not a constant stress
of am I doing enough? Third, I think this is
a huge one. Are you emotionally ready to put something
else first? This is a massive question. Our twenties are
(39:55):
a time for a lot of personal growth, and there's
a lot of things you might want to do that
you should be entitled to do. You should be able
to travel. You should be able to have fun, You
should be able to stay out all night. A pet, though,
requires you to put their needs first always. It means
sometimes sacrificing a spontaneous weekend away or a late night
out or travel to ensure they are cared for. It
(40:16):
means being there for them and getting out of bed
on your bad days even if you don't feel like it.
This is a beautiful and selfless commitment, but it is
vital to assess if you're truly ready and able to
put another being's needs before your own for a prolonged period,
especially like a puppy or a kitten. You could not
pay me to get a puppy that it's like a child.
(40:39):
It is literally like it's you've got a you couldn't
pay me, It's a lot. Are you ready for that? Lastly,
are you getting a pet for the right reasons? And
this is something that I had to ask myself as well.
Are you getting a pet to cure your loneliness? Are
you getting a pet because it's like an esthetic thing?
Are you getting a pet because you can imagine the
(40:59):
next year and how much fun it's going to be.
But nothing beyond that. Pet's a great help with loneliness.
Trust me, I work from home. I was so lonely
before I got Tarloo. Has she cured it for me? No,
and relying on her, relying on them for your own happiness.
Like we said, there's an emotional relationship. They feel that
(41:21):
and it puts an unfair burden on them. But also
you know you'll likely get them and be like, WHOA,
this isn't as amazing as I thought it was going
to be. And that's a hard position to be in.
The best reason to get a pet is a genuine
desire to care for and build a life with another being,
not as a quick fix for your emotional needs. There's
(41:42):
also like other options if you realize pet ownership isn't
for you. For example, family or friends have a pet,
you could offer a pet sit for them for a while.
Not only will they likely be very grateful, it means
you can actually get used to like what this is
going to require. It also means you can hand them
back and you don't have to like you don't have
(42:03):
the guilt of making a long term commitment. It's like
when people want me to hang out with their babies,
I'm like, absolutely, I will do that because I don't
have to take this baby home, like same thing with
a pet. I also had a friend who literally did
not pay rent for a full year because she did
pet sitting gigs. That's another option. There are so many
(42:24):
sites where people will be like, you can live in
my house for free if you look after my animal.
Many local shelters also really need volunteers, and they literally
need volunteers to play with the animals or to simply
just like sit with them in their cages. This is
like a really nice way to give back and to
receive that like animal led joy. Also something I highly
(42:47):
highly recommend is fostering. Obviously didn't work out for me
the way I wanted to. I ended up getting a dog,
but if you met her you would understand why, like
she's a once in a lifetime. But dog shelters are
quite literally overflowing. They always need support and a lot
of dogs aren't going to do well in a shelter,
same with cats. Getting them out of that environment is
(43:09):
just going to do wonders for them and it's going
to increase their chances of being adopted as well. It's
a defined period of care. Also, normally all the shelters
like the rescues will pay for the food bills, the
vet bills, they'll give you toys. It's like amazing, It's
like the best of both worlds. And finally, because I'm
not done with giving unsolicited advice about pet ownership, if
(43:33):
you're thinking about getting a dog or a cat, or
even like a rabbit or a guinea pig or a
chicken like whatever, please consider going to the shelter first,
and please read up on responsible breeding. There are so
many misconceptions about rescue animals out there. You have no
idea the work that these places put into these dogs
(43:55):
and these animals to make sure that they go to
loving homes. I would say ninety five percent of the time,
like they're absolutely perfect. And if you want a specific breed,
which I totally get, I can guarantee you there is
a rescue organization that specializes in that breed and takes
on people's pets of that breed that they don't want
anymore to rehome them. And it's not gonna cost you
(44:16):
like four and a half thousand dollars that you're gonna
pay to someone who you have no idea what their
intentions are. I just think secondhand secondhand dog, secondhand cat,
third hand dog, third hand cat, like it's I think
it's fun. I really think that they end up being
amazing animals. So I think that's all that we have
(44:38):
time for today, and I hope that you have learned
something about this deep connection we have with the furry
critters in our lives, whether you have one or not,
whether you want one or not. I hope that checklist
of questions may be either confirmed something for you or
made you realize that you know that's something for you
to look forward to. I loved making this episode. I'm
(44:58):
just gonna like dedicate this to Time. I love her
so much. Is that a surprise? Probably not, but I
had such a joy recording this, So thank you for listening.
Leave your pet's name down below as well, like I said,
especially if they had a human name. I just want
to thank our researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to
this episode and for her amazing work. As always, if
you want to learn more, if you want some behind
(45:20):
the scenes content, if you want summaries of episodes, you
can follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. Make
sure that you are following us here, on Spotify, Apple Podcasts,
the iHeartRadio app, wherever you are listening, and give us
a five star review if you feel called to do so.
It really helps the show reach new people. It's an
(45:40):
amazing freeway to say you appreciate us as well. If
you do. I don't know if you do, but if
you do, thank you. Until next time, stay safe, be kind,
be gentle with yourself. Love, Go and put some love
and on a cute little puppy out there. Go and
go to the dog park this afternoon. We will talk
very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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