September 15, 2025 • 51 mins
Hate is one of those emotions we don’t like to admit we feel – it’s messy, intense, and often laced with guilt. But it’s also deeply human. It can flare up in obvious moments of conflict, or linger quietly as resentment, judgment, or mistrust. But it’s how we engage with it that makes the big difference. In this episode, we explore the reasons we love to hate - where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, and the ways it can both protect and harm us. We’ll look at how it spreads in a hyperconnected world, and ways we can respond to it if we feel it in ourselves or from others.
We’ll explore:
• The roots of hatred in group identity, safety and insecurity
• Why hating can feel good
• Personality traits of trolls
• Why our biggest critics can be those closest to us
• How hate affects our mind and body
• How to stop being a hater, and how to respond to hate from others
If you want to explore this difficult emotion without judgement, this episode is for you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world,
it is so great to have you here. Back for
another episode as we, of course break down the psychology
of our twenties. Today, my lovely listeners, we're talking about
something a little bit different, a little bit less positive,
a little bit less uplifting than I'm sure you guys
(00:48):
are used to. In fact, like the complete opposite of
all of that. We are talking about hate and why
we secretly love to hate, why we secretly love being haters.
Be honest with me here, there is something in all
of us, whether you are in touch with it or not,
(01:10):
that may be slightly envious of other success even if
you try not to be, that maybe enjoys the drama
of reality TV, even if you know, like, oh, maybe
this isn't the best, that secretly kind of gets hooked
by public outrage or by cancel culture, that enjoys being
(01:30):
a hater. I'll be honest. You know, sometimes I get
way too into celebrity drama. It's like my guilty pleasure
when I know I shouldn't, when I know that you
know ninety percent of it is incorrect, and especially when
I know how hard it is to receive public hate
and have a lot of angry people in your DM
saying awful things. But it's like the same reason that
(01:52):
we get drawn to gossip or wanting to know what
couples argue about. We love the heightened sensation and the
social element to hating on other people. Like I said,
I would make a pretty good guess that everyone listening
has felt this weird emotion at some point in their lives,
whether you want to acknowledge it or not. There is
(02:14):
no shame here. We're just here to talk openly about
the human experience. And I think, like every emotion, hate,
specifically the kind of hate we're talking about now, which
is a little bit more benign, it has a story.
It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person. But the
extent to which we engage in our desire to hate
(02:35):
other people or hate on other people, that is what
takes it from just a thought a thought that we
ultimately have control over to something else entirely. And so
that is what we are going to talk about today.
We're going to look at where this like secret hatred
kind of comes from, why it, like biologically feels so
(02:58):
good even if we don't wanted to, the guilt hangover
that comes afterwards, The psychology of gossip, the psychology of
cancel culture, why our closest friends are sometimes our biggest haters,
and so much more might be a little bit of
an uncomfortable conversation, but I also think the psychology is
(03:19):
so fascinating and like mind blowing to me. So without
further ado, let's talk about why we secretly love to
be a hater. Stay with us, So to begin by
answering a very simple question, what drives us to kind
(03:39):
of hate on other people a little bit? Why does it, again,
sometimes feel so fulfilling to sit down and have like
a ridiculous gossip session, to hate watch reality TV, or
maybe like see a public figure that you really don't
like flounder. Why does that make us feel, you know,
almost good? The first thing we need to know, although
(04:00):
this may sound controversial, it is a fact there is
no such thing as a bad emotion. There are negative
emotions that can leave us feeling bad, or there are
emotions that can maybe influence us to do bad things,
But the idea that an emotion is wholly evil, impure,
and to be avoided at all costs is false. A
(04:22):
lot of the reason why we see emotions like anger
hate as bad is because of the influence of religion
and how we've also been socially conditioned, shunned, and shamed
for certain feelings that ultimately, yes, may be uncomfortable, may
lead to bad actions, but still serve a weird biological,
(04:45):
psychological purpose, and disliking things, maybe even disliking other people
is no different. Now, quick clarification here, we are not
talking about hate that turns into discrimination or hate that
turns into prejudice. We are not talking about hate crimes
and trying to justify those. No, the feeling of hate
(05:06):
and the actions we take in response to them are separate.
But more importantly, the kind of hate we're talking about
is an intense dislike that kind of serves as information
information on our values, on our insecurities, our fears, our misunderstandings,
that we have a choice to either engage in dismiss
(05:28):
or work through, and that choice is really important. The
thing about hatred is that, probably more than any other emotion,
we have been told to suppress it, and it has
been demonized, whether rightly or wrongly. But that may actually
be what causes it to feel so good when we
finally do get to experience it kind of more in
like a pop culture or like social context. This is
(05:50):
the Catharsis theory of hate. The very fact that we
are told not to feel it makes it so that
when we indulge, when we hate on a celebrity, when
we see some and fail, it's like this pressure is released.
We finally do the forbidden thing, and that mix of naughtiness,
the build up, the inherent social part of this as well,
(06:11):
is what brings a lot of people satisfaction with being
a hater. There's been so much research over the years
about why hate feels good. Another theory is that it's
because it's so intense that it feels this way. It's
just the intensity and the strength of the emotion that
makes it almost pleasurable. It's that intensity that causes our
brain to be flooded with neurotransmitters that we usually associate
(06:34):
with happy positive emotions things like dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline. Few
other emotional states cause people to act as irrationally, boldly,
sometimes as terribly as hate does. Few emotions feel as
powerful and strong and therefore sometimes as good. Some very
(06:54):
interesting research actually from only a couple of years ago
twenty twenty three, actually found as well that hate is
one of the only so called negative emotions that can
actually coexist with happiness. So it's possible to be hateful
and to hate on other people and to also still
be happy at the same time, Whereas when we feel
(07:16):
other negative emotions like envy, like anxiety, like grief, often
that means the absence of happiness. So it's interesting that
like hate kind of sits in this weird in between.
Is it a negative emotion? Is it a positive emotion
because it makes us feel good? But socially we've been
conditioned and we know that it doesn't always lead to
(07:37):
good outcomes. That's what makes it so confusing. So yes,
it is not just you hate has this weirdly enjoyable
tinge to it. And what is one of the primary
ways we express our dislike or hate for someone else? Gossip? Gossip?
What some people call the oldest human language. Let's talk
(07:57):
about it for a second. Every single one of us gossips.
Let's just put it out there. I don't know anyone
who doesn't. They might not label it as gossip, but
it still is, even if we know we shouldn't, even
if we have been the victim of it, even if
we try our hardest not to like it or not
to indulge in it. Gossip is essentially a pretty ancient
(08:21):
survival mechanism. It is what it has allowed us to
navigate social contexts for as long as humans have been
able to communicate. Let's do a little bit of a
very ancient history lesson. In a tribe of one hundred
and fifty people or even more, you know, our ancestors
couldn't know everyone personally, and yet they needed to know
(08:42):
who was trustworthy, who was a potential threat, and who
should be avoided. Gossip therefore serves as kind of a
form of social intelligence, a way to basically learn about
the reputation and behaviors of others in the group without direct,
potentially risky interactions, and without having to watch them constantly
to really know what kind of person they are. In
(09:04):
this way, you know, some people do call gossip a
deeply pro social act. It helps to enforce social norms,
builds a sense of community and trust within an in
group by sharing this private information. It also allows us
to police or monitor other people's behavior, a group's behavior
(09:25):
without resorting to violence or confrontation. It's a very fundamental
part of human social bonding. If you're thinking, yeah, I'm
not buying it, there's literally no way gossip has ever
been helpful. I totally get where you're coming from. I
think we have all been at the sharp end of
someone else's hateful thoughts or opinions about us expressed through gossip.
(09:47):
But a way that me and my friends have used
gossip is actually to stay safe when dating. So one
of our friends went on the state with this guy
a couple of months ago and had a pretty terrible,
kind of scary experience with this guy. Anyways, a few
months later, we're at a party. She got to speaking
to a girl at this party, and this girl was like,
(10:09):
had just mentioned that she just met this same guy
and it's kind of interested in this guy and they're
kind of dating. You can guess how that conversation went down.
You know, my friend told the girl what happened to
make sure she was cautious. She didn't say, like, don't
date this person. She was basically just like, hey, this
is just information you need to know. You can do
with it what you wish. And the other girl was
super appreciative. In this way, that is gossip, and that
(10:33):
gossiping could have prevented her from going through the same
awful experience that my friend had. This leads to a
really crucial nuance. Sometimes gossip isn't about being malicious at all.
It's actually about a need for emotional processing and validation
when direct confrontation isn't an option. Think about a time
when you know you were so hurt or frustrated by someone,
(10:55):
but you additionally felt like it was inappropriate to actually
like express it to them. Maybe it was your boss.
Maybe it was like a subtle betrayal from a friend,
and you can't confront them because you're in this big
friendship group. It's going to make things awkward. The dislike
that is bubbling in these circumstances, Well, gossip may be
a way of externalizing what we have already said is
(11:18):
a very intense emotion. It's like a form of venting
of saying this happened, and it hurt and I'm feeling
a real wave of negativity. Am I crazy to be
upset about this? Your social circle then kind of acts
as a jury that validates your feelings, validates your perspective,
but also gives you this outlet for a very uncomfortable
(11:42):
emotion that isn't going to completely destroy the relationship in question.
This is why some researchers have claimed gossip maybe a
form of emotional regulation for our hatred. Just like hate
feels good and gossip feels good, there's also this other
(12:02):
element of seeing someone else fail and that feeling good.
It's so even saying that and acknowledging that that is
a feeling that we have makes me feel like, oh,
probably shouldn't be talking about it. That's very It's a
secret human thing, but it's true. It's true sometimes it
makes us feel good. This very powerful feeling has a name.
(12:23):
It's referred to asure schnaden freud in German, and it's
basically a word that refers to the way in which
we take pleasure from hearing about someone else's misfortune. And
it's a real thing. Brain imaging studies have shown that
when we experience schnaden freud, I hope I'm pronouncing it right.
When we experience shaden freud, there we go, I butchered it.
(12:46):
Shaden freud. The brain's reward system, specifically this area called
the ventral striatum, which we talk about a lot on
the podcast. It lights up, It gives us a rush
of feel good in europe chemicals, a whole big cocktail
of them. This is actually the same part of our
brain that activates when you eat chocolate, when you fall
(13:08):
in love, when you experience any other different types of pleasure.
This reward is also tied to feelings of superiority. When
someone we resent or feel is better than us fails
when they do something wrong or we interpret them to
be doing something irritating or bad, it reaffirms our own
(13:28):
sense of self worth, even for a brief moment, and
that therefore restores a sense of justice or balance in
our minds, especially if that person is someone who has
previously harmed us or who has previously laughed at our missteps.
It's an ego defense mechanism that makes us feel good
about ourselves at another's expense. In a world of you know,
(13:53):
constant social comparison, that little burst of dopamine can be powerful.
It can be a motivator, even if we don't want
to admit that this is how we feel about it.
But of course that's not the whole story. I think
the flip side of feeling hateful towards someone, cheering on
(14:13):
their failures, gossiping about someone is that well, Firstly, we
know it's not a nice way to feel about other people.
It can create a pretty like, I don't even know
the word, like sludgy, disgusting feeling in our brain that
we shouldn't be feeling this way. Secondly, it's bad for
our reputation. Thirdly, it can ostracize an individual when maybe
(14:37):
they don't deserve to be ostracized. Thirdly, up to third
or fourth, it can become a snowball where people start
really piling on someone who maybe just made a small
mistake and doesn't deserve everyone's suppressed anger to be like
thrown directly at them. And finally, you know, research shows
(14:58):
that engaging in this kind of malicious feeling or malicious
gossip or malicious behavior can actually harm your own wellbeing
and it leads to a lot of intense feelings of
guilt and shame. That's our empathy kicking in. That's the rational,
thoughtful part of our brain that is often silenced by
the emotional intensity of hatred switching back on because we
(15:23):
all eventually realize, like, hey, if this was me, I
would feel devastated to know what those people were saying.
I would feel terrible, I would feel awful. I would
be distraught at being thought of in that way. It's
a temporary high. Hate is a temporary high that comes
with a real emotional cost for multiple people. It's also
(15:44):
a bit of pill to swallow, but the psychological and
physiological cost of hate is primarily held by the hater,
not the hated. You know, a moment of hate or
gossip it can feel rewarding. The long term reality of it, though,
is that you end up carrying chronic anger resentment. You
end up seeing people through a lens of what about them?
(16:07):
Can I criticize? What about their failings? Will make me
feel better about myself? You know, we've all heard of
that phrase holding onto anger or hatred is like drinking
poison and expecting the other person to die. That idea
is true. Carrying resentment harms us physically, it's backed by science.
(16:28):
When we are angry, When we are hateful, our body
activates its stress response system. When you carry that bitterness
for a long time, your body is stuck in a
state of low level emergency. Because we know the emotional
intensity of hatred will always it will always elicit a
deep feeling in us. So if that deep feeling is
(16:50):
constantly being you know, allowed through, it's constantly also causing
us to pump out stress hormones like cortisol. It's constantly
causing our heart rate to be faster. It's constantly calling
for tension in our body, which over time does become
really toxic for our health. One very famous paper from
(17:11):
the nineteen eighties, it was one of the first papers
of its time to find that chronic hostility chronic hatred
is linked to high blood pressure, a weaker immune system,
and an increase in science of inflammation in the body,
all of which are known contributors to heart disease and
so many other illnesses. That is the silent price you
(17:32):
pay for hate. I think this toxicity and hostility can
also keep us in a constant state of rumination, a
really negative thought loop where we cannot stop looking for
bad things about other people. We cannot stop obsessing over
other people's downfalls. We cannot stop immediately having the worst
(17:53):
thought first when we meet someone new or when we
are engaging with other people. That negative thought loop that
is a powerful predictor of poor mental health and mental
health difficulties like anxiety and depression. It's like you cannot
get the song out of your head. You just keep
thinking about the way this person annoys you, or the
(18:13):
thing they said that one time that really upset you.
I've had this recently with a friend, Like a friend
of mine was telling me about how someone we both know,
who I would have considered a friend, like, had some
opinions about this podcast, had some opinions about my work,
and has like obviously openly expressed those kind of mean
(18:35):
opinions to people close to me. And all weekend I
just couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking
about how mad I was. Maybe a part of me
was trying to get back at her with those thoughts,
and I was feeling so hateful and like cruel towards
this person. And I was like, I'm the one bearing this,
I'm the one who was hurting from this the most
(18:57):
right now. But I understand why it's happening. It's basically
just your brain trying to make sense of it all.
It also makes it impossible to try and find peace,
and it can leave you feeling exhausted and even more bitter,
you know, the saying, like your brain becomes or your
thoughts become what you think about the most. Basically, the
more you think about something, the more it begins to
dominate over all other thoughts. And this is what's happening here.
(19:20):
The more hateful thoughts you have, the more hateful thoughts
you have, Like, it just compounds and compounds and compounds. Interestingly,
a twenty thirteen study published in the journal Current Psychology
looked at a sample of over one hundred and twelve participants,
and what they basically found was that although gossiping and
being hateful might instantly spike self esteem over the long run,
(19:48):
people who gossip people who engage in this actually they
felt a lot worse and their well being indicators decreased
over time, specifically after sharing this information about someone they knew,
Specifically after gossiping and saying things they knew they shouldn't have. Sometimes,
you know, we feel like well, if this person said
(20:10):
something bad about me, well then surely they deserve for
me to say bad things about them, and we feel justified.
But the evidence suggests otherwise. Now, of course, we're never
going to get on with everybody. Some people also do
genuinely do us wrong and don't deserve a place in
our lives anymore. But if you don't like someone just because,
(20:34):
or if you don't like someone and you've never even
met them, or they have done something to hurt you
but genuinely apologized and showing remorse, it might be time
to maybe start softening and maybe start letting that go
rather than drinking the poison. If for no other reason
then purely to protect your own peace. We definitely need
a better approach to anger, a better approach to hate,
(20:57):
and the desire to be a little bit of a hater.
So we're going to take a short break, but when
we return, I want to just quickly discuss one other
very important element of this, which is internet trolls and
internet hate, and then give you some kind of tips,
some kind of guidance for how to properly integrate the
hateful feelings that we all naturally have. So stay with
(21:18):
us Okay, we cannot talk about why it feels good
to be a hater without talking about Internet trolls and
how they make hate their own contagious virus. I've had
my run ins with trolls, which people are always really
(21:38):
surprised to hear, because I feel like I really do
inhabit a really peaceful corner of the Internet, thanks to
you guys. But I think as soon as something online
reaches an audience of let's say, I don't like fifty
thousand people, maybe even less, there's like a level, there
is a threshold where there will always be someone who
does not like what you have posted, or who does
(21:59):
not like or who has no reason to not like
what you're doing, but just wants to hate on you.
And it's always the same kind of profile or person.
It's always a profile that has no face, no name,
zero pros, zero followers, and you can just tell you know,
this is someone's troll account. This is an account they
have deliberately made for this exact purpose to make others
(22:22):
feel bad. You know what, I think, I wouldn't mind
if someone had an opinion about me and just said
it with their chest, and just said it with their
main account and came out with it. I think I
could at least respect them for that, But there is
like a real deep cowardice to these kinds of people,
who lean even further into the thrill of being a hater.
(22:44):
Because of this anonymity, they never have to put themselves
on the line. So to go back a step, I
do have to say, an internet troll is not just
someone who disagrees with you. I'm super down for that.
An internet troll is someone who enters a conversation or
someone comment section, or a podcast episode or a video,
basically with the only intention being to upset the individual.
(23:08):
The aim of their comments is just to get some
kind of response or reaction, so they'll often keep going
and going until they like kick Gold, or until they
hit the pipeline. The comments get nastier, the slander gets
even more personal, or with the aim of offending and
causing upset, it's something that brings them pleasure. Who are
(23:29):
the people behind these comments and behind these online attacks. Well,
researchers only a couple of years ago identified that online
trolls are not just angry people who are venting. They
often possess a very specific cluster of personality traits that
cause them to enjoy making other people upset. This is
(23:51):
known as the Dark tetrad or the Dark quad of
personality traits, and it includes firstly, narcissism. A lot of
these online trolls have an inflated sense of self importance
and a deep need for admiration, which manifest is a
feeling of entitlement to dominate spaces online. It also may
be that yes, they have a huge sense of self importance,
(24:13):
but in their lives they're really not doing much, and
so this is a way for them to feel better
about their lack of success or the success they feel
entitled to. They also have what we call machiavelianism. This
is a cynical disregard for morality and a very manipulative
strategic approach to social interactions, often using other people as
(24:35):
their own source of amusement. They find it fun, They
find it like a game of cat and mouse. They
like to play with people in that way. Psychopathy a
lack of empathy, reduced capacity for guilt or remorse, and
also a tendency towards impulsive and thrill seeking behavior. That's
another core personality trait of these individuals. And finally, what
(24:58):
we call everyday stay is This is again the pleasure
derived from inflicting psychological or emotional pain on others. This
one trait, more than any other, is most strongly associated
with trolling behavior. So just a refresh on those four traits. Narcissism, machiavellianism, psychopathy,
(25:19):
and everyday sadism. These are the traits most common in
our Internet trolls. A twenty fourteen study published in the
Journal of Personality and Individual Differences actually looked at twelve
thousand people and it looked into both their Internet commenting
behavior as well as asking them to complete a number
of personality tests to measure elements of this dark tet
(25:42):
trad or dark quad. Unsurprisingly, the researchers found that those
who said that trolling was their favorite online activity also
scored the highest in the dark tech trad personality traits.
The other thing about this study is that the authors
even go as far as to that these trolls see
(26:04):
the Internet as almost like a playground for them. They
actually enjoy this kind of behavior. It is playful. It
is pleasurable to taunt other people and to hate on
them with the intention of getting a reaction. The online
environment in online spaces that a lot of us find
(26:24):
ourselves in currently are actually the perfect breeding ground for
this type of hate thanks to two key psychological factors.
There is a reason why, you know, you walk along
on the street and like people aren't coming up to
you and being like I think this about you or
I'm gonna just insult you. But then when you go
online there are like thousands and thousands, maybe even millions
(26:46):
of people operating this way. Firstly, it's because yes, they
might be narcissists, they might be you know, sadists. They're
also cowards and they also don't have the freaking guts
to say it. But secondly, again it is that a
non the shield of a username or an avatar allows
people to act without fear of real world consequences and
(27:06):
social retribution. You can say something awful to someone and
you will never have to face them. You will likely
never meet them, you will never have to see the consequence.
You will never have to see their tears, their friends,
their family trying to comfort them. That makes it a
lot easier for people to do and not feel guilty about.
There's also this theory that it's actually the fact or
(27:28):
the lack of eye contact specifically that causes this. The
absence of this real time social feedback where you can
see the other person's eyes, you have this window into
their soul. You can see them suffer, and you are
meant to feel something in response. The fact that there
isn't that in these online spaces makes what you're doing
feel less real and makes it easier for you to do.
(27:52):
These factors have all combined to create the perfect environment
for the uninhibited act of expressed hate. There it is,
it's like all this this pent up emotion that we
all have. The pleasure that we all, you know, somewhat
derive from hating on other people or feeling better because
(28:13):
of someone else's downfall, which you know, we could typically
manage it a safe and healthy and sustainable way and
process accurately, you know, or you could just go online
and just be a hater, which one takes less work. Also,
it's worth saying, you know the nature of modern day
social media algorithms are designed to amplify extreme, more emotionally
(28:37):
charged content, and that creates these echo chambers where we
are exposed to more hate and less nuanced Maybe you
have noticed this, I definitely have, especially on Instagram, where
there could be hundreds of positive comments on a reel
or on a video or on an image. You go
to the comment section, though, what's always at the top.
(28:59):
If there is hate comment, if there is a mean comment,
it's always at the very top of that comment section,
even if it has less likes, even if it has
less engagement. The algorithm prioritize, prioritizes this kind of intensity
and vitrol and this emotional reaction that it knows is
(29:21):
going to pull people in. This constant exposure normalizes this
being a normal response to other people because we always
see it, because it's always there, because it's always the
top comment. It normalizes that this is just like an
everyday reaction that you are allowed to have about someone
else's behavior, and it is not so Trolling is one element.
(29:47):
But you might be thinking, listen, I have a private account,
I'm not in the public eye. I don't really need
to think about trolls. That is totally true. You might
not have to worry about strangers on the Internet. But
something that a lot of people talk about is the
fact that their biggest critics are sometimes the people that
they are actually closest to in their lives. So why
(30:09):
are some of our biggest haters Maybe not the people online,
but our closest friends, our family members, even our partners
in some extreme cases. The core reason for this is
rooted in a fundamental psychological principle social comparison. Sure, we
(30:31):
can compare ourselves to strangers on the other side of
the world, it's pretty easy to do so. But what
is an even easier and closer source of comparison Those
in our immediate social circle, our best friend, our friendship group,
our peers, our siblings. These are the people whose lives
are most relevant to our own sense of self worth.
(30:52):
When you achieve some kind of personal success, maybe it's
a promotion, or you've just got engaged, or a huge
personal milestone, and a friend or family member responds with
like a subtle, backhanded comment or jealousy or even outright hatred,
it often takes us by surprise when like, wait, aren't
you the one who's meant to be the happiest for me?
(31:15):
But often this is a reflection of their own deep
seated insecurity and envy. Your success has inadvertently highlighted something
they feel they lack. They interpret your success and your
achievements as they're downfall, not realizing that obviously there is
room for everyone, and the hate they direct at you
(31:38):
is often a subconscious attempt to restore their own self
esteem by tearing yours down, which is bizarre, it's wild.
I don't understand why it happens. I don't think it
necessarily makes a lot of sense, but it is something
that people talk about time and time again. The best
friend who's just like, oh, a little bit too gleeful
(32:01):
when something goes wrong in your life, or the friend
who is never really that happy for you when something
goes well. Those closest to us often have the deepest
capacity for hate, not necessarily because their love was fake,
but because love and hate draw from the same well
(32:22):
of intimacy. It's particularly painful because it's coming from someone
who does know you, who knows your vulnerabilities, who knows
what you really are scared of, who knows your fears,
and their words, their backhand compliments, you know that can
hit with a precision that a stranger, like a stranger
(32:43):
online never could, And often we can be like, oh,
you get a troll comment, or someone like says something
rude to you like on the internet, you can be like, well,
this person doesn't know me, They're not important in my life.
The stakes are entirely different when it's someone who literally
you would trust with your life, who you would trust
with so much of yourself. A lot of these personal grievances,
(33:06):
again stem from insecurity and are a deep act of projection.
I feel like a lot of us have heard of
the term projection before. It's a rather amorphous psychological term
that I think just gets thrown around, But it basically
means that someone holds a mirror up to us and
what we see in that reflection. What we see in
(33:26):
that mirror we don't like, and so instead of realizing
that we don't like it because it's something that we
don't like about ourselves and that we are critical of
ourselves about, we target the reflection of that in someone else.
So basically it means that the things you hate the
most about other people are the things that you see
as being most true about your own character. There are
(33:48):
so many studies too many to count, that reference this,
But basically, again, when we don't feel good, sometimes it
is easier to bring others down than it is to
acknowledge that we don't really like ourselves right now. A
lot of hate it does stem from our own state
of psychological wellbeing. In fact, I think every single example
that we have given in this episode is evidence of that.
(34:10):
Is evidence of the fact that in order to gossip,
in order to troll someone, in order to try and
tear someone down, in order to cheer on as someone's
downfalls imminent, there has to be something about your own
life that doesn't feel amazing at that point. You know
someone whose life is full of love, someone who has
(34:32):
confidence in their life, someone who has, you know, something
that they are invested in in their life. They don't
have the time and the energy to be focused on
what's going on beyond them or beyond their closest circle.
They don't have time to be trolling the internet looking
for someone to make themselves feel better by making someone
(34:54):
else feel worse. So it is a real deep truth
about our desire to hate. Hatred also is really rooted
in boredom, idleness, and frustration by our own life circumstances.
When we talk about confronting hate in ourselves and confronting
this negative feeling or dealing with it from other people
(35:18):
and trying to integrate that and understand why someone doesn't
like us. It's never really about the person receiving the hate.
They are just a conduit for something much larger. They
are just a proxy, And I think that is important
to recognize and realize and remember whatever side of the
equation you are on, it's not really about them, is it?
Speaker 1 (35:43):
So?
Speaker 2 (35:43):
On that note, if hate is so damaging to us,
if it stems from insecurity in such a deep, sometimes
ugly way, how do we break free from its cycle,
both in ourselves and in our interactions with others. Well,
we're going to talk about all of that and more
after this shortbreak. Stay with us. As much as I've
(36:12):
tried to dive into the humanness and the universality of
sometimes being a hater, how it sometimes does feel good,
how a lot of us do it over time. It
is not something to be celebrated, and it does not
make us feel good to be someone who only has
bad things to say about other people. And we do
(36:35):
have to call ourselves out on it for a number
of reasons. Firstly, so that our brain doesn't become this
negativity machine. Secondly, so we are actually nice to be around. Thirdly,
for just like the kindness and grace that we want
to show other people that we would expect in their circumstances.
We want to do onto others as we would want
(36:55):
done onto ourselves, and addressing our relationship with the hate
within us is a really important part of that and
is a really important way that we're going to do that.
So the first step is really and I know I
say this every single time, but it is self awareness.
The fact that you are listening to this episode and
you may have nodded your head along to a couple
of things, and may have seen yourself in some of
(37:17):
these descriptions, whether you want to acknowledge it or not,
I actually think that's an amazing thing. And I think
that you like. Being able to see the ugliness in
yourself is one of the most profound forms of self awareness,
even if it feels kind of uncomfortable. Someone who was
truly a hateful, despicable person, someone who was truly a
(37:38):
sadist or a psychopath or Machiavelian does not have the
capacity to do that. So the fact that you do
shows that you're not like those people who find the
routine of hate pleasurable. So now that you've acknowledged it.
I think the next step is that when you feel
the impulse to hate, to gossip, to lash out, just
(38:00):
ask yourself pause, like, what are you really feeling right now?
What is the root of this feeling? Is it anger?
Is it jealousy? Is it a lack of control? Is
it powerlessness? Is it a fear of not being good enough? Remember,
even if you are in the middle of saying something mean,
(38:22):
right in the middle of writing a comment, right in
the middle of hate, watching something on TikTok or wherever,
whatever you're doing, you can always just stop. Just because
you have started an action doesn't mean that you are
now fully committed to finishing it. You can just stop.
You can always just course correct and literally say to
the other person or say to yourself like, actually, I'm sorry,
(38:44):
I actually don't want to do this. I don't want
to say that, I don't want to engage in this,
I don't want to feel this way. I'm gonna stop,
I'm gonna hit pause. I'm gonna handle this differently. Sorry
about that. A big root cause of our hate is
often actually not pure dislike It is often jealousy, in
securing in comparison, So in that way acknowledging That also
(39:08):
means that you can then begin to have a different
relationship with envy, and you can turn it into a
compass rather than something that might allow you to hate
on someone and give you that little spike of dopamine,
but in the long term really actually harms you when
you feel that pang of envy or frustration at someone
else's achievement or milestone, Instead of letting it fester and
(39:31):
instead of following the instinct to tear them down, literally
say to yourself, Okay, what about the situation do I
actually want? If you are responding to their circumstances with
such a level of intensity, that means that you must
really be invested in what they're doing, and you must
really care about what they're doing, and therefore a part
(39:53):
of you probably wants it for yourself. So you can
use the intensity of this feeling as information A little mantra.
I like to say, if I'm ever recognizing that feeling
coming up is love that for them, want that for me?
The first half of that mantra really recognizes, you know,
the positivity and their experience. I love that for them.
(40:14):
That looks great. I think that that you know European
trip looks delightful. I think that their recent success is
incredible and they really deserve that. I want that for
me and please for them. And then that envy that
I would normally feel is actually being redirected into a
source of inspiration, into a tool for self improvement, into motivation. Again,
(40:36):
at the end of the day, if you didn't care,
you wouldn't be hating on them. You literally cannot hate
someone you don't care about. So engaging in this form
of cognitive reappraisal, where you consciously change how you interpret
a negative emotion and you make it productive, is really
going to help you not just ruminate on what you're
missing in your own life and not in some way
(40:57):
blame them for what you're missing, but turn that into
to something you can do about it. I also think
if you recognize that a lot of hatred in comparison
is fueled by being on perhaps social media, and the
comparison that can fuel and how easy it is to
just jump on the bandwagon of everyone currently hating on someone,
(41:18):
you've got to recognize, like social media isn't real, you
can also step away from it and your life will
not be over I think we have this real dependency
on social media now for all of our social needs
and all of our informational needs as well. Like it's
how we feel like we stay in the loop. It's
how we feel like we connect with our friends, it's
(41:40):
how we have those like incidental social interactions with people online.
It's how we keep people in the loop. There are
heaps of other ways to actually do all of those
things without playing into an algorithm that is quite hateful.
And even if that doesn't mean completely abstaining from social media,
it might mean seeing something that immediately sparks your desire
(42:04):
to hate and engaging with it in a way that
doesn't make it your problem. So on following blocking muting people,
I did a lot of that that. I did a
lot of that this week where I was just like,
hah ha, this is really making me feel really terrible,
and it's really like playing into my desire and feeling
(42:26):
my desire to like feel hateful and spiteful. And the
thing is is that that emotion may be natural, it's
also my responsibility and how I engage with that is
my responsibility. Someone's allowed to have their opinion or express
their thought or talk about whatever it is they want
to talk about and it being out of my business,
(42:49):
I'm allowed to disengage if it is possible for me,
and if the possibility is there, I should take it.
I will say. I said this the other day to someone,
to one of my friends. I was like, curation of
your social media is actually a form of self care.
Like unfollowing and blocking people or just pressing not interested
(43:10):
is a form of self care, and we should do
more of it. I think it's also really important to
flip this around and learn how we can respond to
hateful people. Unfortunately, it's something most of us will be
on the receiving end of at some point in our lives,
either in person or online. And there are some people
who just don't want to do anything about their hateful feelings.
(43:30):
We're obviously sitting here and we're talking about ways to
like psychologically manage how we act on hate. Some people
literally just don't care, and it feels so good to
them that they can keep writing the high with never experiencing.
Maybe the psychological and emotional came down of this negativity.
So how do you respond to a hater in a
(43:50):
way that protects your own peace, in a way that
doesn't make you turn into them. It's important to remember
that anytime you're engaging with someone who wants to hate
on you, whether it's a troll, whether it's you know,
a so called friend, this is not about winning. This
is not like you will never win. You're never going
to win against this kind of individual. It's about reclaiming
(44:13):
your own emotional energy, protecting your own energy, and setting
a more firm boundary. You know, if hatred comes online,
specifically with trolls like, they do not care about winning,
They do not care about presenting a solid argument, They
do not care about scoring points. The only thing they
are looking for is it a reaction. We know that
(44:35):
from all of these psychology studies, right, So, actually they
want you to engage with them. That's why they're being
so inflammatory. The best thing you can do is to
just not the best thing you can do is to
just be like cool, I see your comment blocked. And
if everyone did that, it would be like suffocating the
hate in them because they wouldn't get the rise out
(44:57):
of people. That creates like the satisfy action loop for them,
and that keeps them engaging in this and doing this.
By refusing to participate, you take away their power and
gosh do I know how hard it is, but something
that I choose to do instead because I understand the
need to react to someone being hateful or spiteful. Online
is where I see negativity. I leave positivity. If I
(45:20):
see like a girl and like dancing in every single
comment is like a hate comment, I'm leaving a positive one.
And that's how I'm gonna choose to engage. I'm not
going to start replying to people and trying to fight back.
I know it's not gonna work. I'm just gonna match
their energy with something like egregiously positive. Same with sometimes
when I get troll comments on my own posts, I
(45:44):
love to call trolls like honey and sweetcakes and baby
cakes and like sweet honey Bee or like lovely boy,
or I love to like give them pet names and
like be so like sickly sweet, dripping with kindness towards
them that like they know they cannot get a rise
out of me I And it works. It does work
in person as well. You obviously can't block someone, you
(46:07):
can't be like I want to mute this conversation goodbye.
But you can create an emotional distance between you and
what they're saying by simply just responding in like the
most bland way possible, just being like, that's an interesting perspective,
or I'm sorry you feel that way, like they're a child.
(46:31):
Treat them like they're a child, they will lose interest.
And if they keep saying stuff just being like, I'm
really sorry you feel that way, I'm really sorry you
feel that way, and you'll slowly say that like they're
the ones who start to realize the ridiculousness of what
they're saying, and that they're the ones who are pushing
a conversation that you obviously don't want to have, and
it's like they look ridiculous. Your reaction is so powerful
(46:53):
when it is neutral, because you're refusing to participate in
the emotional side of this game, and so when doing so,
you are protecting your own peace. Also, sometimes you just
need to take a deep breath and you just need
to again remind yourself, this has nothing to do with me.
Anybody here could be the target of this. They're just
(47:16):
looking for someone to pile their shit onto. They're just
looking for someone to be like, to get the pleasure
that they want out of this hateful feeling. It doesn't
have to be you. You don't have to give them
the space, you don't have to give them the time.
The worst thing that can happen in this situation is
(47:39):
that you fall to their level. And I've done this,
I've seen it happen so many times. But it's like
the moment you get in the mud and start rolling
around with them, you are just one of these people.
And again, that's a conscious decision. You can choose not
to make by processing your own dislike for other people,
(48:02):
or your own insecurity or your own grievances in a
healthy way, by knowing that there's no such thing as
a wrong emotion, but there is a better reaction, and
you're gonna choose to take the better path. That's a
long freaking journey, and I again, I think, especially right now,
it's the harder choice. It is the much harder choice
(48:23):
to go high. It will always be more rewarding and
it will always be more importantly less emotionally exhausting. So
with that in mind, I'm going to wrap up the episode.
I hope that you learn a little bit more about
the psychology behind being a hater, behind why we love
to hate, behind you know, gossiping and cancel culture, and
(48:47):
why we secretly can't wait for a celebrities downfall. I
feel like I had a bit of a mixed message
throughout this episode, but what I really want to say
is this is like a completely normal and biological, psycho
logical part of our behavior. But the more we learn
about it, the more I think that we can make
it more civilized and just appreciate it on like a
(49:11):
more nuanced level, rather than just being like monkeys pushing
a hateful button and being like, yes, this makes me
feel good, This makes me feel good, Like I'm just
gonna tear other people down. You don't have to do that.
There are other choices and there are other ways to
approach hate, especially in modern day society where it seems
that like everyone is everyone just wants public outrage, Everyone
(49:34):
just wants to be the meanest, cruelest person in the
comment section so they get the most engagement. Like, Nah,
we don't have to do that. That's we don't actually
have to be a part of that. We can handle
that in a better way. So I hope that is
what you have learned or taken away from this episode.
If you have made it this far, I've been really
(49:55):
enjoying song recommendations recently. Leave your most like angry song
like the song you get you let all your rage
on your hate and your spy out to. In the
comments below. You know the song that I'm gonna recommend,
which is not one that I normally get my anger
and spy out to, but which I love as part
of this like hate anger cycle is I'm Not Angry
(50:18):
Anymore by Paramore, and I love listening to that song
when I feel like a lot of rage coming into
my body of like the higher path, the better path.
So song recommendation to end the episode. I want to
thank our researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to this episode.
She is amazing. She is incredible. We couldn't do it
(50:39):
without her. Make sure that you are following us on
Instagram at that Psychology Podcast if you want to provide
an episode suggestion, if you want to contribute to a
future episode, if you have further thoughts on online hate
and why we love being a hater, I would love
to hear from you, and I'd love to hear those thoughts.
Make sure as well that you are following wherever you
(50:59):
are on Spotify, Apple Podcast, the iHeartRadio app. I don't
know where you're listening from, but I would love if
you stuck around for a little bit longer, so hint follow,
make sure to give us a five star review, and
until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself,
handle that hate with care, and we will talk very
very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world,
it is so great to have you here. Back for
another episode as we, of course break down the psychology
of our twenties. Today, my lovely listeners, we're talking about
something a little bit different, a little bit less positive,
a little bit less uplifting than I'm sure you guys
(00:48):
are used to. In fact, like the complete opposite of
all of that. We are talking about hate and why
we secretly love to hate, why we secretly love being haters.
Be honest with me here, there is something in all
of us, whether you are in touch with it or not,
(01:10):
that may be slightly envious of other success even if
you try not to be, that maybe enjoys the drama
of reality TV, even if you know, like, oh, maybe
this isn't the best, that secretly kind of gets hooked
by public outrage or by cancel culture, that enjoys being
(01:30):
a hater. I'll be honest. You know, sometimes I get
way too into celebrity drama. It's like my guilty pleasure
when I know I shouldn't, when I know that you
know ninety percent of it is incorrect, and especially when
I know how hard it is to receive public hate
and have a lot of angry people in your DM
saying awful things. But it's like the same reason that
(01:52):
we get drawn to gossip or wanting to know what
couples argue about. We love the heightened sensation and the
social element to hating on other people. Like I said,
I would make a pretty good guess that everyone listening
has felt this weird emotion at some point in their lives,
whether you want to acknowledge it or not. There is
(02:14):
no shame here. We're just here to talk openly about
the human experience. And I think, like every emotion, hate,
specifically the kind of hate we're talking about now, which
is a little bit more benign, it has a story.
It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person. But the
extent to which we engage in our desire to hate
(02:35):
other people or hate on other people, that is what
takes it from just a thought a thought that we
ultimately have control over to something else entirely. And so
that is what we are going to talk about today.
We're going to look at where this like secret hatred
kind of comes from, why it, like biologically feels so
(02:58):
good even if we don't wanted to, the guilt hangover
that comes afterwards, The psychology of gossip, the psychology of
cancel culture, why our closest friends are sometimes our biggest haters,
and so much more might be a little bit of
an uncomfortable conversation, but I also think the psychology is
(03:19):
so fascinating and like mind blowing to me. So without
further ado, let's talk about why we secretly love to
be a hater. Stay with us, So to begin by
answering a very simple question, what drives us to kind
(03:39):
of hate on other people a little bit? Why does it, again,
sometimes feel so fulfilling to sit down and have like
a ridiculous gossip session, to hate watch reality TV, or
maybe like see a public figure that you really don't
like flounder. Why does that make us feel, you know,
almost good? The first thing we need to know, although
(04:00):
this may sound controversial, it is a fact there is
no such thing as a bad emotion. There are negative
emotions that can leave us feeling bad, or there are
emotions that can maybe influence us to do bad things,
But the idea that an emotion is wholly evil, impure,
and to be avoided at all costs is false. A
(04:22):
lot of the reason why we see emotions like anger
hate as bad is because of the influence of religion
and how we've also been socially conditioned, shunned, and shamed
for certain feelings that ultimately, yes, may be uncomfortable, may
lead to bad actions, but still serve a weird biological,
(04:45):
psychological purpose, and disliking things, maybe even disliking other people
is no different. Now, quick clarification here, we are not
talking about hate that turns into discrimination or hate that
turns into prejudice. We are not talking about hate crimes
and trying to justify those. No, the feeling of hate
(05:06):
and the actions we take in response to them are separate.
But more importantly, the kind of hate we're talking about
is an intense dislike that kind of serves as information
information on our values, on our insecurities, our fears, our misunderstandings,
that we have a choice to either engage in dismiss
(05:28):
or work through, and that choice is really important. The
thing about hatred is that, probably more than any other emotion,
we have been told to suppress it, and it has
been demonized, whether rightly or wrongly. But that may actually
be what causes it to feel so good when we
finally do get to experience it kind of more in
like a pop culture or like social context. This is
(05:50):
the Catharsis theory of hate. The very fact that we
are told not to feel it makes it so that
when we indulge, when we hate on a celebrity, when
we see some and fail, it's like this pressure is released.
We finally do the forbidden thing, and that mix of naughtiness,
the build up, the inherent social part of this as well,
(06:11):
is what brings a lot of people satisfaction with being
a hater. There's been so much research over the years
about why hate feels good. Another theory is that it's
because it's so intense that it feels this way. It's
just the intensity and the strength of the emotion that
makes it almost pleasurable. It's that intensity that causes our
brain to be flooded with neurotransmitters that we usually associate
(06:34):
with happy positive emotions things like dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline. Few
other emotional states cause people to act as irrationally, boldly,
sometimes as terribly as hate does. Few emotions feel as
powerful and strong and therefore sometimes as good. Some very
(06:54):
interesting research actually from only a couple of years ago
twenty twenty three, actually found as well that hate is
one of the only so called negative emotions that can
actually coexist with happiness. So it's possible to be hateful
and to hate on other people and to also still
be happy at the same time, Whereas when we feel
(07:16):
other negative emotions like envy, like anxiety, like grief, often
that means the absence of happiness. So it's interesting that
like hate kind of sits in this weird in between.
Is it a negative emotion? Is it a positive emotion
because it makes us feel good? But socially we've been
conditioned and we know that it doesn't always lead to
(07:37):
good outcomes. That's what makes it so confusing. So yes,
it is not just you hate has this weirdly enjoyable
tinge to it. And what is one of the primary
ways we express our dislike or hate for someone else? Gossip? Gossip?
What some people call the oldest human language. Let's talk
(07:57):
about it for a second. Every single one of us gossips.
Let's just put it out there. I don't know anyone
who doesn't. They might not label it as gossip, but
it still is, even if we know we shouldn't, even
if we have been the victim of it, even if
we try our hardest not to like it or not
to indulge in it. Gossip is essentially a pretty ancient
(08:21):
survival mechanism. It is what it has allowed us to
navigate social contexts for as long as humans have been
able to communicate. Let's do a little bit of a
very ancient history lesson. In a tribe of one hundred
and fifty people or even more, you know, our ancestors
couldn't know everyone personally, and yet they needed to know
(08:42):
who was trustworthy, who was a potential threat, and who
should be avoided. Gossip therefore serves as kind of a
form of social intelligence, a way to basically learn about
the reputation and behaviors of others in the group without direct,
potentially risky interactions, and without having to watch them constantly
to really know what kind of person they are. In
(09:04):
this way, you know, some people do call gossip a
deeply pro social act. It helps to enforce social norms,
builds a sense of community and trust within an in
group by sharing this private information. It also allows us
to police or monitor other people's behavior, a group's behavior
(09:25):
without resorting to violence or confrontation. It's a very fundamental
part of human social bonding. If you're thinking, yeah, I'm
not buying it, there's literally no way gossip has ever
been helpful. I totally get where you're coming from. I
think we have all been at the sharp end of
someone else's hateful thoughts or opinions about us expressed through gossip.
(09:47):
But a way that me and my friends have used
gossip is actually to stay safe when dating. So one
of our friends went on the state with this guy
a couple of months ago and had a pretty terrible,
kind of scary experience with this guy. Anyways, a few
months later, we're at a party. She got to speaking
to a girl at this party, and this girl was like,
(10:09):
had just mentioned that she just met this same guy
and it's kind of interested in this guy and they're
kind of dating. You can guess how that conversation went down.
You know, my friend told the girl what happened to
make sure she was cautious. She didn't say, like, don't
date this person. She was basically just like, hey, this
is just information you need to know. You can do
with it what you wish. And the other girl was
super appreciative. In this way, that is gossip, and that
(10:33):
gossiping could have prevented her from going through the same
awful experience that my friend had. This leads to a
really crucial nuance. Sometimes gossip isn't about being malicious at all.
It's actually about a need for emotional processing and validation
when direct confrontation isn't an option. Think about a time
when you know you were so hurt or frustrated by someone,
(10:55):
but you additionally felt like it was inappropriate to actually
like express it to them. Maybe it was your boss.
Maybe it was like a subtle betrayal from a friend,
and you can't confront them because you're in this big
friendship group. It's going to make things awkward. The dislike
that is bubbling in these circumstances, Well, gossip may be
a way of externalizing what we have already said is
(11:18):
a very intense emotion. It's like a form of venting
of saying this happened, and it hurt and I'm feeling
a real wave of negativity. Am I crazy to be
upset about this? Your social circle then kind of acts
as a jury that validates your feelings, validates your perspective,
but also gives you this outlet for a very uncomfortable
(11:42):
emotion that isn't going to completely destroy the relationship in question.
This is why some researchers have claimed gossip maybe a
form of emotional regulation for our hatred. Just like hate
feels good and gossip feels good, there's also this other
(12:02):
element of seeing someone else fail and that feeling good.
It's so even saying that and acknowledging that that is
a feeling that we have makes me feel like, oh,
probably shouldn't be talking about it. That's very It's a
secret human thing, but it's true. It's true sometimes it
makes us feel good. This very powerful feeling has a name.
(12:23):
It's referred to asure schnaden freud in German, and it's
basically a word that refers to the way in which
we take pleasure from hearing about someone else's misfortune. And
it's a real thing. Brain imaging studies have shown that
when we experience schnaden freud, I hope I'm pronouncing it right.
When we experience shaden freud, there we go, I butchered it.
(12:46):
Shaden freud. The brain's reward system, specifically this area called
the ventral striatum, which we talk about a lot on
the podcast. It lights up, It gives us a rush
of feel good in europe chemicals, a whole big cocktail
of them. This is actually the same part of our
brain that activates when you eat chocolate, when you fall
(13:08):
in love, when you experience any other different types of pleasure.
This reward is also tied to feelings of superiority. When
someone we resent or feel is better than us fails
when they do something wrong or we interpret them to
be doing something irritating or bad, it reaffirms our own
(13:28):
sense of self worth, even for a brief moment, and
that therefore restores a sense of justice or balance in
our minds, especially if that person is someone who has
previously harmed us or who has previously laughed at our missteps.
It's an ego defense mechanism that makes us feel good
about ourselves at another's expense. In a world of you know,
(13:53):
constant social comparison, that little burst of dopamine can be powerful.
It can be a motivator, even if we don't want
to admit that this is how we feel about it.
But of course that's not the whole story. I think
the flip side of feeling hateful towards someone, cheering on
(14:13):
their failures, gossiping about someone is that well, Firstly, we
know it's not a nice way to feel about other people.
It can create a pretty like, I don't even know
the word, like sludgy, disgusting feeling in our brain that
we shouldn't be feeling this way. Secondly, it's bad for
our reputation. Thirdly, it can ostracize an individual when maybe
(14:37):
they don't deserve to be ostracized. Thirdly, up to third
or fourth, it can become a snowball where people start
really piling on someone who maybe just made a small
mistake and doesn't deserve everyone's suppressed anger to be like
thrown directly at them. And finally, you know, research shows
(14:58):
that engaging in this kind of malicious feeling or malicious
gossip or malicious behavior can actually harm your own wellbeing
and it leads to a lot of intense feelings of
guilt and shame. That's our empathy kicking in. That's the rational,
thoughtful part of our brain that is often silenced by
the emotional intensity of hatred switching back on because we
(15:23):
all eventually realize, like, hey, if this was me, I
would feel devastated to know what those people were saying.
I would feel terrible, I would feel awful. I would
be distraught at being thought of in that way. It's
a temporary high. Hate is a temporary high that comes
with a real emotional cost for multiple people. It's also
(15:44):
a bit of pill to swallow, but the psychological and
physiological cost of hate is primarily held by the hater,
not the hated. You know, a moment of hate or
gossip it can feel rewarding. The long term reality of it, though,
is that you end up carrying chronic anger resentment. You
end up seeing people through a lens of what about them?
(16:07):
Can I criticize? What about their failings? Will make me
feel better about myself? You know, we've all heard of
that phrase holding onto anger or hatred is like drinking
poison and expecting the other person to die. That idea
is true. Carrying resentment harms us physically, it's backed by science.
(16:28):
When we are angry, When we are hateful, our body
activates its stress response system. When you carry that bitterness
for a long time, your body is stuck in a
state of low level emergency. Because we know the emotional
intensity of hatred will always it will always elicit a
deep feeling in us. So if that deep feeling is
(16:50):
constantly being you know, allowed through, it's constantly also causing
us to pump out stress hormones like cortisol. It's constantly
causing our heart rate to be faster. It's constantly calling
for tension in our body, which over time does become
really toxic for our health. One very famous paper from
(17:11):
the nineteen eighties, it was one of the first papers
of its time to find that chronic hostility chronic hatred
is linked to high blood pressure, a weaker immune system,
and an increase in science of inflammation in the body,
all of which are known contributors to heart disease and
so many other illnesses. That is the silent price you
(17:32):
pay for hate. I think this toxicity and hostility can
also keep us in a constant state of rumination, a
really negative thought loop where we cannot stop looking for
bad things about other people. We cannot stop obsessing over
other people's downfalls. We cannot stop immediately having the worst
(17:53):
thought first when we meet someone new or when we
are engaging with other people. That negative thought loop that
is a powerful predictor of poor mental health and mental
health difficulties like anxiety and depression. It's like you cannot
get the song out of your head. You just keep
thinking about the way this person annoys you, or the
(18:13):
thing they said that one time that really upset you.
I've had this recently with a friend, Like a friend
of mine was telling me about how someone we both know,
who I would have considered a friend, like, had some
opinions about this podcast, had some opinions about my work,
and has like obviously openly expressed those kind of mean
(18:35):
opinions to people close to me. And all weekend I
just couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking
about how mad I was. Maybe a part of me
was trying to get back at her with those thoughts,
and I was feeling so hateful and like cruel towards
this person. And I was like, I'm the one bearing this,
I'm the one who was hurting from this the most
(18:57):
right now. But I understand why it's happening. It's basically
just your brain trying to make sense of it all.
It also makes it impossible to try and find peace,
and it can leave you feeling exhausted and even more bitter,
you know, the saying, like your brain becomes or your
thoughts become what you think about the most. Basically, the
more you think about something, the more it begins to
dominate over all other thoughts. And this is what's happening here.
(19:20):
The more hateful thoughts you have, the more hateful thoughts
you have, Like, it just compounds and compounds and compounds. Interestingly,
a twenty thirteen study published in the journal Current Psychology
looked at a sample of over one hundred and twelve participants,
and what they basically found was that although gossiping and
being hateful might instantly spike self esteem over the long run,
(19:48):
people who gossip people who engage in this actually they
felt a lot worse and their well being indicators decreased
over time, specifically after sharing this information about someone they knew,
Specifically after gossiping and saying things they knew they shouldn't have. Sometimes,
you know, we feel like well, if this person said
(20:10):
something bad about me, well then surely they deserve for
me to say bad things about them, and we feel justified.
But the evidence suggests otherwise. Now, of course, we're never
going to get on with everybody. Some people also do
genuinely do us wrong and don't deserve a place in
our lives anymore. But if you don't like someone just because,
(20:34):
or if you don't like someone and you've never even
met them, or they have done something to hurt you
but genuinely apologized and showing remorse, it might be time
to maybe start softening and maybe start letting that go
rather than drinking the poison. If for no other reason
then purely to protect your own peace. We definitely need
a better approach to anger, a better approach to hate,
(20:57):
and the desire to be a little bit of a hater.
So we're going to take a short break, but when
we return, I want to just quickly discuss one other
very important element of this, which is internet trolls and
internet hate, and then give you some kind of tips,
some kind of guidance for how to properly integrate the
hateful feelings that we all naturally have. So stay with
(21:18):
us Okay, we cannot talk about why it feels good
to be a hater without talking about Internet trolls and
how they make hate their own contagious virus. I've had
my run ins with trolls, which people are always really
(21:38):
surprised to hear, because I feel like I really do
inhabit a really peaceful corner of the Internet, thanks to
you guys. But I think as soon as something online
reaches an audience of let's say, I don't like fifty
thousand people, maybe even less, there's like a level, there
is a threshold where there will always be someone who
does not like what you have posted, or who does
(21:59):
not like or who has no reason to not like
what you're doing, but just wants to hate on you.
And it's always the same kind of profile or person.
It's always a profile that has no face, no name,
zero pros, zero followers, and you can just tell you know,
this is someone's troll account. This is an account they
have deliberately made for this exact purpose to make others
(22:22):
feel bad. You know what, I think, I wouldn't mind
if someone had an opinion about me and just said
it with their chest, and just said it with their
main account and came out with it. I think I
could at least respect them for that, But there is
like a real deep cowardice to these kinds of people,
who lean even further into the thrill of being a hater.
(22:44):
Because of this anonymity, they never have to put themselves
on the line. So to go back a step, I
do have to say, an internet troll is not just
someone who disagrees with you. I'm super down for that.
An internet troll is someone who enters a conversation or
someone comment section, or a podcast episode or a video,
basically with the only intention being to upset the individual.
(23:08):
The aim of their comments is just to get some
kind of response or reaction, so they'll often keep going
and going until they like kick Gold, or until they
hit the pipeline. The comments get nastier, the slander gets
even more personal, or with the aim of offending and
causing upset, it's something that brings them pleasure. Who are
(23:29):
the people behind these comments and behind these online attacks. Well,
researchers only a couple of years ago identified that online
trolls are not just angry people who are venting. They
often possess a very specific cluster of personality traits that
cause them to enjoy making other people upset. This is
(23:51):
known as the Dark tetrad or the Dark quad of
personality traits, and it includes firstly, narcissism. A lot of
these online trolls have an inflated sense of self importance
and a deep need for admiration, which manifest is a
feeling of entitlement to dominate spaces online. It also may
be that yes, they have a huge sense of self importance,
(24:13):
but in their lives they're really not doing much, and
so this is a way for them to feel better
about their lack of success or the success they feel
entitled to. They also have what we call machiavelianism. This
is a cynical disregard for morality and a very manipulative
strategic approach to social interactions, often using other people as
(24:35):
their own source of amusement. They find it fun, They
find it like a game of cat and mouse. They
like to play with people in that way. Psychopathy a
lack of empathy, reduced capacity for guilt or remorse, and
also a tendency towards impulsive and thrill seeking behavior. That's
another core personality trait of these individuals. And finally, what
(24:58):
we call everyday stay is This is again the pleasure
derived from inflicting psychological or emotional pain on others. This
one trait, more than any other, is most strongly associated
with trolling behavior. So just a refresh on those four traits. Narcissism, machiavellianism, psychopathy,
(25:19):
and everyday sadism. These are the traits most common in
our Internet trolls. A twenty fourteen study published in the
Journal of Personality and Individual Differences actually looked at twelve
thousand people and it looked into both their Internet commenting
behavior as well as asking them to complete a number
of personality tests to measure elements of this dark tet
(25:42):
trad or dark quad. Unsurprisingly, the researchers found that those
who said that trolling was their favorite online activity also
scored the highest in the dark tech trad personality traits.
The other thing about this study is that the authors
even go as far as to that these trolls see
(26:04):
the Internet as almost like a playground for them. They
actually enjoy this kind of behavior. It is playful. It
is pleasurable to taunt other people and to hate on
them with the intention of getting a reaction. The online
environment in online spaces that a lot of us find
(26:24):
ourselves in currently are actually the perfect breeding ground for
this type of hate thanks to two key psychological factors.
There is a reason why, you know, you walk along
on the street and like people aren't coming up to
you and being like I think this about you or
I'm gonna just insult you. But then when you go
online there are like thousands and thousands, maybe even millions
(26:46):
of people operating this way. Firstly, it's because yes, they
might be narcissists, they might be you know, sadists. They're
also cowards and they also don't have the freaking guts
to say it. But secondly, again it is that a
non the shield of a username or an avatar allows
people to act without fear of real world consequences and
(27:06):
social retribution. You can say something awful to someone and
you will never have to face them. You will likely
never meet them, you will never have to see the consequence.
You will never have to see their tears, their friends,
their family trying to comfort them. That makes it a
lot easier for people to do and not feel guilty about.
There's also this theory that it's actually the fact or
(27:28):
the lack of eye contact specifically that causes this. The
absence of this real time social feedback where you can
see the other person's eyes, you have this window into
their soul. You can see them suffer, and you are
meant to feel something in response. The fact that there
isn't that in these online spaces makes what you're doing
feel less real and makes it easier for you to do.
(27:52):
These factors have all combined to create the perfect environment
for the uninhibited act of expressed hate. There it is,
it's like all this this pent up emotion that we
all have. The pleasure that we all, you know, somewhat
derive from hating on other people or feeling better because
(28:13):
of someone else's downfall, which you know, we could typically
manage it a safe and healthy and sustainable way and
process accurately, you know, or you could just go online
and just be a hater, which one takes less work. Also,
it's worth saying, you know the nature of modern day
social media algorithms are designed to amplify extreme, more emotionally
(28:37):
charged content, and that creates these echo chambers where we
are exposed to more hate and less nuanced Maybe you
have noticed this, I definitely have, especially on Instagram, where
there could be hundreds of positive comments on a reel
or on a video or on an image. You go
to the comment section, though, what's always at the top.
(28:59):
If there is hate comment, if there is a mean comment,
it's always at the very top of that comment section,
even if it has less likes, even if it has
less engagement. The algorithm prioritize, prioritizes this kind of intensity
and vitrol and this emotional reaction that it knows is
(29:21):
going to pull people in. This constant exposure normalizes this
being a normal response to other people because we always
see it, because it's always there, because it's always the
top comment. It normalizes that this is just like an
everyday reaction that you are allowed to have about someone
else's behavior, and it is not so Trolling is one element.
(29:47):
But you might be thinking, listen, I have a private account,
I'm not in the public eye. I don't really need
to think about trolls. That is totally true. You might
not have to worry about strangers on the Internet. But
something that a lot of people talk about is the
fact that their biggest critics are sometimes the people that
they are actually closest to in their lives. So why
(30:09):
are some of our biggest haters Maybe not the people online,
but our closest friends, our family members, even our partners
in some extreme cases. The core reason for this is
rooted in a fundamental psychological principle social comparison. Sure, we
(30:31):
can compare ourselves to strangers on the other side of
the world, it's pretty easy to do so. But what
is an even easier and closer source of comparison Those
in our immediate social circle, our best friend, our friendship group,
our peers, our siblings. These are the people whose lives
are most relevant to our own sense of self worth.
(30:52):
When you achieve some kind of personal success, maybe it's
a promotion, or you've just got engaged, or a huge
personal milestone, and a friend or family member responds with
like a subtle, backhanded comment or jealousy or even outright hatred,
it often takes us by surprise when like, wait, aren't
you the one who's meant to be the happiest for me?
(31:15):
But often this is a reflection of their own deep
seated insecurity and envy. Your success has inadvertently highlighted something
they feel they lack. They interpret your success and your
achievements as they're downfall, not realizing that obviously there is
room for everyone, and the hate they direct at you
(31:38):
is often a subconscious attempt to restore their own self
esteem by tearing yours down, which is bizarre, it's wild.
I don't understand why it happens. I don't think it
necessarily makes a lot of sense, but it is something
that people talk about time and time again. The best
friend who's just like, oh, a little bit too gleeful
(32:01):
when something goes wrong in your life, or the friend
who is never really that happy for you when something
goes well. Those closest to us often have the deepest
capacity for hate, not necessarily because their love was fake,
but because love and hate draw from the same well
(32:22):
of intimacy. It's particularly painful because it's coming from someone
who does know you, who knows your vulnerabilities, who knows
what you really are scared of, who knows your fears,
and their words, their backhand compliments, you know that can
hit with a precision that a stranger, like a stranger
(32:43):
online never could, And often we can be like, oh,
you get a troll comment, or someone like says something
rude to you like on the internet, you can be like, well,
this person doesn't know me, They're not important in my life.
The stakes are entirely different when it's someone who literally
you would trust with your life, who you would trust
with so much of yourself. A lot of these personal grievances,
(33:06):
again stem from insecurity and are a deep act of projection.
I feel like a lot of us have heard of
the term projection before. It's a rather amorphous psychological term
that I think just gets thrown around, But it basically
means that someone holds a mirror up to us and
what we see in that reflection. What we see in
(33:26):
that mirror we don't like, and so instead of realizing
that we don't like it because it's something that we
don't like about ourselves and that we are critical of
ourselves about, we target the reflection of that in someone else.
So basically it means that the things you hate the
most about other people are the things that you see
as being most true about your own character. There are
(33:48):
so many studies too many to count, that reference this,
But basically, again, when we don't feel good, sometimes it
is easier to bring others down than it is to
acknowledge that we don't really like ourselves right now. A
lot of hate it does stem from our own state
of psychological wellbeing. In fact, I think every single example
that we have given in this episode is evidence of that.
(34:10):
Is evidence of the fact that in order to gossip,
in order to troll someone, in order to try and
tear someone down, in order to cheer on as someone's
downfalls imminent, there has to be something about your own
life that doesn't feel amazing at that point. You know
someone whose life is full of love, someone who has
(34:32):
confidence in their life, someone who has, you know, something
that they are invested in in their life. They don't
have the time and the energy to be focused on
what's going on beyond them or beyond their closest circle.
They don't have time to be trolling the internet looking
for someone to make themselves feel better by making someone
(34:54):
else feel worse. So it is a real deep truth
about our desire to hate. Hatred also is really rooted
in boredom, idleness, and frustration by our own life circumstances.
When we talk about confronting hate in ourselves and confronting
this negative feeling or dealing with it from other people
(35:18):
and trying to integrate that and understand why someone doesn't
like us. It's never really about the person receiving the hate.
They are just a conduit for something much larger. They
are just a proxy, And I think that is important
to recognize and realize and remember whatever side of the
equation you are on, it's not really about them, is it?
Speaker 1 (35:43):
So?
Speaker 2 (35:43):
On that note, if hate is so damaging to us,
if it stems from insecurity in such a deep, sometimes
ugly way, how do we break free from its cycle,
both in ourselves and in our interactions with others. Well,
we're going to talk about all of that and more
after this shortbreak. Stay with us. As much as I've
(36:12):
tried to dive into the humanness and the universality of
sometimes being a hater, how it sometimes does feel good,
how a lot of us do it over time. It
is not something to be celebrated, and it does not
make us feel good to be someone who only has
bad things to say about other people. And we do
(36:35):
have to call ourselves out on it for a number
of reasons. Firstly, so that our brain doesn't become this
negativity machine. Secondly, so we are actually nice to be around. Thirdly,
for just like the kindness and grace that we want
to show other people that we would expect in their circumstances.
We want to do onto others as we would want
(36:55):
done onto ourselves, and addressing our relationship with the hate
within us is a really important part of that and
is a really important way that we're going to do that.
So the first step is really and I know I
say this every single time, but it is self awareness.
The fact that you are listening to this episode and
you may have nodded your head along to a couple
of things, and may have seen yourself in some of
(37:17):
these descriptions, whether you want to acknowledge it or not,
I actually think that's an amazing thing. And I think
that you like. Being able to see the ugliness in
yourself is one of the most profound forms of self awareness,
even if it feels kind of uncomfortable. Someone who was
truly a hateful, despicable person, someone who was truly a
(37:38):
sadist or a psychopath or Machiavelian does not have the
capacity to do that. So the fact that you do
shows that you're not like those people who find the
routine of hate pleasurable. So now that you've acknowledged it.
I think the next step is that when you feel
the impulse to hate, to gossip, to lash out, just
(38:00):
ask yourself pause, like, what are you really feeling right now?
What is the root of this feeling? Is it anger?
Is it jealousy? Is it a lack of control? Is
it powerlessness? Is it a fear of not being good enough? Remember,
even if you are in the middle of saying something mean,
(38:22):
right in the middle of writing a comment, right in
the middle of hate, watching something on TikTok or wherever,
whatever you're doing, you can always just stop. Just because
you have started an action doesn't mean that you are
now fully committed to finishing it. You can just stop.
You can always just course correct and literally say to
the other person or say to yourself like, actually, I'm sorry,
(38:44):
I actually don't want to do this. I don't want
to say that, I don't want to engage in this,
I don't want to feel this way. I'm gonna stop,
I'm gonna hit pause. I'm gonna handle this differently. Sorry
about that. A big root cause of our hate is
often actually not pure dislike It is often jealousy, in
securing in comparison, So in that way acknowledging That also
(39:08):
means that you can then begin to have a different
relationship with envy, and you can turn it into a
compass rather than something that might allow you to hate
on someone and give you that little spike of dopamine,
but in the long term really actually harms you when
you feel that pang of envy or frustration at someone
else's achievement or milestone, Instead of letting it fester and
(39:31):
instead of following the instinct to tear them down, literally
say to yourself, Okay, what about the situation do I
actually want? If you are responding to their circumstances with
such a level of intensity, that means that you must
really be invested in what they're doing, and you must
really care about what they're doing, and therefore a part
(39:53):
of you probably wants it for yourself. So you can
use the intensity of this feeling as information A little mantra.
I like to say, if I'm ever recognizing that feeling
coming up is love that for them, want that for me?
The first half of that mantra really recognizes, you know,
the positivity and their experience. I love that for them.
(40:14):
That looks great. I think that that you know European
trip looks delightful. I think that their recent success is
incredible and they really deserve that. I want that for
me and please for them. And then that envy that
I would normally feel is actually being redirected into a
source of inspiration, into a tool for self improvement, into motivation. Again,
(40:36):
at the end of the day, if you didn't care,
you wouldn't be hating on them. You literally cannot hate
someone you don't care about. So engaging in this form
of cognitive reappraisal, where you consciously change how you interpret
a negative emotion and you make it productive, is really
going to help you not just ruminate on what you're
missing in your own life and not in some way
(40:57):
blame them for what you're missing, but turn that into
to something you can do about it. I also think
if you recognize that a lot of hatred in comparison
is fueled by being on perhaps social media, and the
comparison that can fuel and how easy it is to
just jump on the bandwagon of everyone currently hating on someone,
(41:18):
you've got to recognize, like social media isn't real, you
can also step away from it and your life will
not be over I think we have this real dependency
on social media now for all of our social needs
and all of our informational needs as well. Like it's
how we feel like we stay in the loop. It's
how we feel like we connect with our friends, it's
(41:40):
how we have those like incidental social interactions with people online.
It's how we keep people in the loop. There are
heaps of other ways to actually do all of those
things without playing into an algorithm that is quite hateful.
And even if that doesn't mean completely abstaining from social media,
it might mean seeing something that immediately sparks your desire
(42:04):
to hate and engaging with it in a way that
doesn't make it your problem. So on following blocking muting people,
I did a lot of that that. I did a
lot of that this week where I was just like,
hah ha, this is really making me feel really terrible,
and it's really like playing into my desire and feeling
(42:26):
my desire to like feel hateful and spiteful. And the
thing is is that that emotion may be natural, it's
also my responsibility and how I engage with that is
my responsibility. Someone's allowed to have their opinion or express
their thought or talk about whatever it is they want
to talk about and it being out of my business,
(42:49):
I'm allowed to disengage if it is possible for me,
and if the possibility is there, I should take it.
I will say. I said this the other day to someone,
to one of my friends. I was like, curation of
your social media is actually a form of self care.
Like unfollowing and blocking people or just pressing not interested
(43:10):
is a form of self care, and we should do
more of it. I think it's also really important to
flip this around and learn how we can respond to
hateful people. Unfortunately, it's something most of us will be
on the receiving end of at some point in our lives,
either in person or online. And there are some people
who just don't want to do anything about their hateful feelings.
(43:30):
We're obviously sitting here and we're talking about ways to
like psychologically manage how we act on hate. Some people
literally just don't care, and it feels so good to
them that they can keep writing the high with never experiencing.
Maybe the psychological and emotional came down of this negativity.
So how do you respond to a hater in a
(43:50):
way that protects your own peace, in a way that
doesn't make you turn into them. It's important to remember
that anytime you're engaging with someone who wants to hate
on you, whether it's a troll, whether it's you know,
a so called friend, this is not about winning. This
is not like you will never win. You're never going
to win against this kind of individual. It's about reclaiming
(44:13):
your own emotional energy, protecting your own energy, and setting
a more firm boundary. You know, if hatred comes online,
specifically with trolls like, they do not care about winning,
They do not care about presenting a solid argument, They
do not care about scoring points. The only thing they
are looking for is it a reaction. We know that
(44:35):
from all of these psychology studies, right, So, actually they
want you to engage with them. That's why they're being
so inflammatory. The best thing you can do is to
just not the best thing you can do is to
just be like cool, I see your comment blocked. And
if everyone did that, it would be like suffocating the
hate in them because they wouldn't get the rise out
(44:57):
of people. That creates like the satisfy action loop for them,
and that keeps them engaging in this and doing this.
By refusing to participate, you take away their power and
gosh do I know how hard it is, but something
that I choose to do instead because I understand the
need to react to someone being hateful or spiteful. Online
is where I see negativity. I leave positivity. If I
(45:20):
see like a girl and like dancing in every single
comment is like a hate comment, I'm leaving a positive one.
And that's how I'm gonna choose to engage. I'm not
going to start replying to people and trying to fight back.
I know it's not gonna work. I'm just gonna match
their energy with something like egregiously positive. Same with sometimes
when I get troll comments on my own posts, I
(45:44):
love to call trolls like honey and sweetcakes and baby
cakes and like sweet honey Bee or like lovely boy,
or I love to like give them pet names and
like be so like sickly sweet, dripping with kindness towards
them that like they know they cannot get a rise
out of me I And it works. It does work
in person as well. You obviously can't block someone, you
(46:07):
can't be like I want to mute this conversation goodbye.
But you can create an emotional distance between you and
what they're saying by simply just responding in like the
most bland way possible, just being like, that's an interesting perspective,
or I'm sorry you feel that way, like they're a child.
(46:31):
Treat them like they're a child, they will lose interest.
And if they keep saying stuff just being like, I'm
really sorry you feel that way, I'm really sorry you
feel that way, and you'll slowly say that like they're
the ones who start to realize the ridiculousness of what
they're saying, and that they're the ones who are pushing
a conversation that you obviously don't want to have, and
it's like they look ridiculous. Your reaction is so powerful
(46:53):
when it is neutral, because you're refusing to participate in
the emotional side of this game, and so when doing so,
you are protecting your own peace. Also, sometimes you just
need to take a deep breath and you just need
to again remind yourself, this has nothing to do with me.
Anybody here could be the target of this. They're just
(47:16):
looking for someone to pile their shit onto. They're just
looking for someone to be like, to get the pleasure
that they want out of this hateful feeling. It doesn't
have to be you. You don't have to give them
the space, you don't have to give them the time.
The worst thing that can happen in this situation is
(47:39):
that you fall to their level. And I've done this,
I've seen it happen so many times. But it's like
the moment you get in the mud and start rolling
around with them, you are just one of these people.
And again, that's a conscious decision. You can choose not
to make by processing your own dislike for other people,
(48:02):
or your own insecurity or your own grievances in a
healthy way, by knowing that there's no such thing as
a wrong emotion, but there is a better reaction, and
you're gonna choose to take the better path. That's a
long freaking journey, and I again, I think, especially right now,
it's the harder choice. It is the much harder choice
(48:23):
to go high. It will always be more rewarding and
it will always be more importantly less emotionally exhausting. So
with that in mind, I'm going to wrap up the episode.
I hope that you learn a little bit more about
the psychology behind being a hater, behind why we love
to hate, behind you know, gossiping and cancel culture, and
(48:47):
why we secretly can't wait for a celebrities downfall. I
feel like I had a bit of a mixed message
throughout this episode, but what I really want to say
is this is like a completely normal and biological, psycho
logical part of our behavior. But the more we learn
about it, the more I think that we can make
it more civilized and just appreciate it on like a
(49:11):
more nuanced level, rather than just being like monkeys pushing
a hateful button and being like, yes, this makes me
feel good, This makes me feel good, Like I'm just
gonna tear other people down. You don't have to do that.
There are other choices and there are other ways to
approach hate, especially in modern day society where it seems
that like everyone is everyone just wants public outrage, Everyone
(49:34):
just wants to be the meanest, cruelest person in the
comment section so they get the most engagement. Like, Nah,
we don't have to do that. That's we don't actually
have to be a part of that. We can handle
that in a better way. So I hope that is
what you have learned or taken away from this episode.
If you have made it this far, I've been really
(49:55):
enjoying song recommendations recently. Leave your most like angry song
like the song you get you let all your rage
on your hate and your spy out to. In the
comments below. You know the song that I'm gonna recommend,
which is not one that I normally get my anger
and spy out to, but which I love as part
of this like hate anger cycle is I'm Not Angry
(50:18):
Anymore by Paramore, and I love listening to that song
when I feel like a lot of rage coming into
my body of like the higher path, the better path.
So song recommendation to end the episode. I want to
thank our researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to this episode.
She is amazing. She is incredible. We couldn't do it
(50:39):
without her. Make sure that you are following us on
Instagram at that Psychology Podcast if you want to provide
an episode suggestion, if you want to contribute to a
future episode, if you have further thoughts on online hate
and why we love being a hater, I would love
to hear from you, and I'd love to hear those thoughts.
Make sure as well that you are following wherever you
(50:59):
are on Spotify, Apple Podcast, the iHeartRadio app. I don't
know where you're listening from, but I would love if
you stuck around for a little bit longer, so hint follow,
make sure to give us a five star review, and
until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself,
handle that hate with care, and we will talk very
very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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