September 23, 2025 • 43 mins
We often think that once we've made a decision, or said we believe something, or stated something about ourselves, we must always stay the same and can never change our minds. That is entirely incorrect - being able to say "I was wrong" or "this isn't me anymore" show incredible psychological strength. Being able to quit and start again is often the start of a truly fulfilled life. In today's episode we discuss how being okay with changing your mind can:
- Help us make better decisions
- Overcome disappointing others
- Reduce our fear of judgement
- Lead to a more fulfilled life + so much more
Listen now!
Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg
Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast
For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we
are talking about decision making, but not in a way
that you expect. We're not talking about how we can
(00:47):
make decisions, how we know that we're making the right decision.
We're not going to talk about how to weigh up
costs and benefits, how to have certainty in your decisions.
We're actually going to talk about the aftermath of making
a choice, where you realize, Hey, this actually isn't right
for me, this actually isn't what I believe in, this
(01:10):
actually isn't what I want for my life, and why
it feels so hard in those moments to admit that
we were wrong or I guess, to change our mind.
I obviously on this podcast reflect so much on my
own personal growth. If you've been here for a long time,
You'll know that I started the Psychology of your Twenties
basically as a way to kind of therapize myself and
(01:33):
to kind of like interrogate, explore research like the stuff
that was going on in my own life and in
my twenties. And a big thing that I am learning
right now is exactly this. Changing your mind and having
to tell people that or having to let people down
(01:53):
is incredibly uncomfortable. It is also absolutely necessary, especially in
this decade, and I have had to do this a lot. Recently.
I had to turn down like a really big business
opportunity that I really wanted to do but realized, like,
you know, no, I'm not right for this, or it's
not the right time for me. I've changed my mind
on some of my political opinions recently. But what really
(02:15):
inspired me to talk about this and what has made
me realize why we need to talk about this more
was a friend of mine who recently called off an engagement,
and she's given me permission to talk about this. But basically,
she knew when she said yes to her now ex fiance,
like in the bottom of her heart, that this wasn't right,
(02:35):
and she ignored it for months. They'd been together for
four years, her whole family loved him, everyone said they
were soulmates, but the relationship obviously looked very different from within,
which you know, as a friend, you only really find
out later on most of the time. And she was
telling me in hindsight how she was going back and forth,
kind of plagued with guilt, plagued with doubt, plagued with
(02:58):
this fear of disappointing people, people who had kind of
come to expect something from her in in a way,
something from her relationship, and finally she just had to
make the call. Obviously, in the aftermath, we've been talking
a lot about not like how this happened, but yeah,
how did this happen? How was it that she ended
up engaged to someone who she knew wasn't right for her?
(03:21):
And we've been talking a lot about this whole concept
of having to admit to ourselves and having to admit
to others that we have changed as a person, that
we have changed our minds, and how if we talked
about how truly normal this is, we would be saving
people a lot of doubt, a lot of heartbreak, and
a lot of kind of wasted time at the end
of the day, if time can never be wasted. But
that's another discussion, So to get into it, this is
(03:45):
a quick summary of what we are going to discuss. First,
I want to talk about why we resist changing our
minds because of a fear of being judged, a fear
of disappointing people, especially our parents. We're going to talk
about sunk cost fowls and what it actually means and
what it feels like and what comes after disappointment. Secondly,
(04:08):
we're going to talk about the cost of staying loyal
to old and outdated versions of ourselves and why actually
being less afraid to say I was wrong, I made
the wrong decision, this is not right for me, would
actually counterintuitively allow us to make decisions easier and with
a lot less anxiety. It's a big topic, guys, but honestly,
(04:33):
I think there's a lot of clarity that comes with
accepting this huge truth. You can't always make the right decision,
but you cannot make a better one unless you have
the courage to admit I was wrong, and so hopefully
this episode gives you the courage. Without further ado, let's
get into why it is okay, to change your mind
(04:54):
stay with us. So I know I've kind of framed
this discussion as changing your mind about big decisions like
an engagement or I don't know a job, But honestly,
I think that this extends to just about anything. Changing
your mind about your beliefs, your political opinions, the kind
(05:16):
of people you want to surround yourself with, the kind
of clothes you want to wear, where you want to live,
who you want to be with, what kind of person
you see yourself as Like, there are countless moments and
folks in the road where we make choices and we
change our mind about who we want to be, either
consciously or unconsciously. None of these things are ever set
(05:38):
in stone. Just because they were once important to you,
or because you once claimed it was something that you
believed in. You are allowed to change as a person
when you really interrogate this as well. Oftentimes, some of
the core pillars of our identity that we feel most
loyal to, some of our core opinions and beliefs, are
things that we first started to believe in at like
(06:00):
eighteen or maybe even younger. It was often things that
were influenced by family, influenced by the people around us,
by our environments, and the influence of these factors kind
of diminishes when we leave those spaces and the older
we get, and we also importantly start to really independently
(06:21):
rethink parts of our lives that we've kind of always
just assumed, or we've kind of just taken for granted,
or you know, decisions that we just felt were inevitable
because someone had wanted them from us, someone had served
it up on a silver platter and said, this is
what we've chosen for you. Now, changing your mind about
(06:41):
those things terrifying, scary, also a good thing. This is
what we call individuation. It is an essential part of
our psychological development, whereby we separate from the collective or
the norms that have previously shaped us, so that we
can carve out our own unique persona and unique identity.
(07:05):
It is one of our goals, one of our missions
as humans, to go through this phase in our life.
If you want to move from child to adult and
then from adult to individual, you have to go through
this period maybe a couple of times. And people who
don't do this, I think we all know one of them.
(07:26):
They end up basically without an identity very miserable. And
what this theory says is that they are incredibly malleable
to others opinions, others' expectations, and they go through life
never really figuring out who they are. That sounds pretty
scary to me. Now, this word individuation very serious. Might
(07:47):
sound like a very serious term, but you have, probably
if you are in your twenties, already experienced this to
a degree, even if you're at like eighteen or younger.
That's when this really begins to take hold. It's when
we decide, you know, hey, maybe I don't want to
study law at university just because my parents expect me to.
Maybe I don't fully believe my family's ultra conservative viewpoints.
(08:11):
Maybe I don't like dressing this way. Maybe this is
more my personal style. We realize, maybe I don't like
being around these people. Maybe I don't like my hometown.
Maybe I don't want to have kids. Maybe I do
want to have kids. After saying that, you thought one
thing for a long time, and maybe now you feel
differently about those matters. Our twenties are a period where
(08:32):
we change our mind a whole lot, and we have
a lot of these sort of what we would call epiphanies.
These like come to moments where we're like, wait, what
am I doing? Like I don't like this, I don't
believe this, I am not this. Firstly, it's because we
(08:53):
gain a lot of independence physically but also emotionally that secondly,
we are undergoing rapid idea entity development and experimentation. You
may find yourself wanting different things every three months, every year,
every week. Maybe that's actually totally normal. You know, one
day you might feel like, oh, I need to leave
(09:14):
this city and never come back. I'm going to move
to Puerto Rico. I'm gonna move to London. And then
the next you're like, no, I'm going to find a
really nice person and settle down, or I'm going to
start a farm. And then the next you're thinking, I'm
gonna go back to university and I'm going to learn
a trade, and it's like a freaking cyclone in your
mind of possibilities. That's amazing, that's actually exactly where you
(09:37):
should be. I don't know if anyone's ever told you this,
but that is you're doing it right. You may have
heard this idea that our brains aren't fully developed until
twenty five I think that's a very famous, a famous
fact that is actually a myth that is actually not
entirely true, and there's actually no solid evidence for this.
(10:01):
Our brains continue to develop across our lifespan. They actually
peak in maturation anywhere between twenty to our early thirties.
Like it's a very broad and individual process. I think
the reason we hear twenty five is because twenty five
just sounds like a fun number. So our brains aren't
fully developed at twenty five. But this is a period
(10:22):
where we are doing a lot of fine tuning, especially
in the prefrontal cortext which this place, this part of
our brain, it governs planning, it governs decision making, it
governs things like impulse control. And so with this ongoing development,
that means that our sense of judgment, our priorities, our
long term thinking is still under construction. It is still
(10:46):
shifting constantly. And we also, just because of our age,
have more doors open to us than we probably ever
will in our teen years. You know, we are kind
of limited by our age. We're kind of limited by
our As we get older, we also become limited by
past decisions that we made in our twenties. You know,
(11:07):
the decision to have kids, the decision to settle down
in a certain place, the decision to get a mortgage.
So this is like the most perfect little space and
like nugget of time where our choices are so abundant.
We're young, we're hopefully healthy, and we're like a kid
(11:29):
in a candy store rushing about being like, no, I
want this one, Like no, I want this one. I
want this life. I want this life. We can't choose.
It's why we make plans for the future maybe like
six months out and then like because we are changing
so rapidly during this decade, by the time we get there,
we've like already changed our minds. Again, that doesn't mean
you were lying about that choice or that that wasn't
(11:51):
a priority at some stage. It is literally just that
the fact, like our the rate at which we are
changing as individuals outpaces the rate at which we can
sometimes make decisions and follow through on them. It is
literally that you become a different person psychologically. I think
in our twenties like every six months. And I think
(12:12):
that's important. This is quite literally the definition of trial
and error. And I've said it before, I will continue
to say it. Life is not meant to be a
recipe where step one naturally leads into step two and
step three until you've made the dish you decided on
at the beginning. It is a series of experiments, and
even the experiments that don't work out, even the ones
(12:35):
that you change your mind about, have taught you something.
I think in your twenties you live many many lives,
or at least you should, and changing your mind. Being
able to interpret what you want in a specific moment,
even if that's different from what you wanted before, is
a really really important part of that. And it means
(12:55):
that when you get to your thirties or your forties
and you're ready to choose, you have as much information
as you need to make the right choice. Now. These
decisions they often require action, though, or at the very
least like some kind of vocalization. And this is where
we find it hard to admit I have changed my mind.
(13:17):
I'm not that person anymore, especially if we've already kind
of started down the path. We think that just because
we've said we are one thing, we must always be
that thing. We must always believe in what we once
did with conviction, We must always want what we claimed
we once wanted. Why do we think that? Why is that?
(13:38):
Of course it's not one reason. It's never one reason.
It's a multitude of reasons. I think we don't always
want to admit we've changed our mind because there is
a great deal of cultural messaging to do with sticking
things out, not quitting, following through, finishing what you're started,
(13:59):
being reliable, being trustworthy. The driver behind this is really
other people's desire for continuity from us. They want us
to be the same person that we were a year
ago and a year before that so that they can
understand us. And it's also this idea that you know,
(14:19):
being a hard worker and having follow through gives you
some kind of like moral superiority or means that you
have a better kind of character. The problem with this
framing is that, yes, making promises to other people and
making promises to yourself and following through is amazing and
should be something that you aspire to do. Not if
(14:41):
though you don't actually want to do that thing. We
frame this as a failure of willpower, that someone just
didn't have what it take took or just wasn't committed enough,
Rather than realizing that changing your mind about these things
is actually a really natural de developmental process and a
really important sign of growth. But I think that framing
(15:05):
is why we feel a lot of shame around, you know,
maybe quitting a degree that wasn't right for us, or
stepping away from a venture, or ending a long term relationship,
whatever it may be that we'd previously committed to, because
we think it means we don't have follow through. We
think that it signals that we are a quitter rather
than someone who is actually very very brave. This cultural conditioning,
(15:27):
it is very powerful sometimes, you know, I often have
this thought where I think, like, I wonder how many
people are in loveless marriages, or are in careers they
don't want, or stuck in cities they don't actually like,
or because they don't want to be they don't want
to be seen as quitting, or they don't want to
(15:47):
be labeled as unreliable. And how wild is it that
we have prioritized the opinions of some people that we
may not even know, or the opinions of people who
don't actually have to live our life over our own desires, Like,
it's really strange that we do that to ourselves. This
(16:12):
kind of brings me to the next big factor, and
that is the fear of judgment, mainly the fear of
disappointing people, as we just said, especially people who are
close to us. For many of us in our twenties,
let's just say it, I think that's our parents. And
our fear of disappointing our parents isn't one dimensional. It's
(16:35):
actually very complex. The starters your parents may have placed
a lot of expectation on you that ended up really
controlling your life. I know this is particularly the experience
for firstborns, for eldest daughters, the children of immigrants, for example,
the children of high achievers. I'm not an immigrant, so
(16:56):
I can't directly speak to that experience, but it's something
I can get a lot of DMS about. How can
I let my parents down? How can I forge my
own path? How can I make them value my interests
even if they aren't going to make a whole lot
of money, when they have sacrificed so much to get
me here, so much to get me to this place,
to raise me, to give me a better life. There
(17:18):
was a twenty twenty study that found that the children
of first generation immigrants often experience significantly more stress compared
to their peers when it comes to meeting their parents'
academic expectations. In fact, they often cite it as one
of their main forms of academic motivation to please their parents,
to live out their parents' dream. Compared to non immigrant children,
(17:42):
who say that often what motivates their study is a
sense of personal achievement or some kind of personal goal,
they worry a lot less about parental approval, especially again
for firstborns. Imagine if you are a firstborn, first generation immigrant,
Oh my god, the pressure and not let down your
parents must be astounding. And birth order theory, whether you
(18:05):
believe it or not, does hypothesize that if you are
the firstborn child, the standard for you is higher, the
expectations are greater. You are the example. You are being
molded to eventually become the guide and the leader for
the family. So stepping away from the dream your parents
have for you, that's going against decades in some cases,
(18:27):
of validation and decades of training. You know, if you're
twenty twenty one, twenty seven, whatever it is, that's like
twenty years that this is the information you have been
receiving from those around you to please them, to impress them,
to do what is best according to them. Here's the thing.
You have two options here. You can keep up the facade.
(18:52):
You can keep up with the expectations. You can keep
up with what other people want from you. But that
is a choice. You do have a choice. I'm going
to give you some hard love here. At some stage,
you have decided that this is what you were going
to do, even if you didn't realize it. You have
(19:14):
decided to suppress the deeper, individualized version of you. And
that might be because it is the right choice based
on your priorities. If disappointing your parents or letting them
down is more serious to you than choosing your own path,
that's okay. You've made that choice. But I just want
to remind you that changing your mind is also an option.
(19:35):
It will take a whole lot of courage. But on
the other side of disappointment is clarity and is growth.
What's the saying you can't make You can't make an
omelet without breaking a few eggs. You also can't make
a life without disappointing a few people who are perhaps
expecting too much from you or vicariously living through you.
(19:55):
It doesn't make you unkind. In fact, I think not
just appointing others would actually mean you're truly being unkind
to yourself. It's actually a profound form of honesty, and
multiple studies, including a very famous one from the University
of Chicago, find that actually being honest about your preferences,
(20:16):
being willing to say no or to say I've changed
my mind, allows for more genuine happiness and almost I
think the majority of the cases. Okay, we're going to
take a short break here, but when we return, we're
going to talk about some cost fallacy. We're also going
to talk about why being okay with changing your mind
(20:39):
actually means that you could make decisions faster and experience
less analysis paralysis. So stick around. Will be right back
after this short break. So before we talk about why
we should all be changing our minds a little bit
more and why it's actually really great for psychological well
(21:02):
being and for growth, let's talk about one final reason
why we struggle to go back on decisions we previously
felt were correct, and that final reason is the sunk
cost fallacy. This is a very famous theory. You probably
know it by now, but just to summarize, the more
we feel we have put into a decision we have
(21:23):
put into a choice, we have put into a course
of action relationship, job, city, hobby, even identity. The less
we feel we can walk away because we believe we
will lose all of that time, all of that money, effort,
energy that we have invested that loss. We have a
natural loss of version as humans, we don't want to
(21:44):
lose things. We don't want to lose out on things
we've previously earned or given to something. It actually causes
us to act really, really irrationally. And by irrationally, I
mean it causes us to actually act against our self interest.
So let's talk about an experiment that shows this. So
(22:04):
this experiment went this way. These participants were I think
that I don't know how many they were, It doesn't matter.
These participants were given the opportunity to work for twenty dollars.
They just had to do a series of tasks and
if they did those tasks, they would get the twenty dollars. Now,
after they had gotten the money, they were then given
(22:27):
a seventy five percent chance that they could make one
hundred dollars, but they would have to forfeit their right
to that twenty dollars. The majority of these individuals would
not take it. They felt they had put so much
time and energy into making that money, and they didn't
want to give it up, even for the chance of
(22:47):
winning something much better. That is highly irrational. Now, I
know you're probably thinking, like, wait, but doesn't it Isn't
it just showing that maybe these people don't like gambling. No,
because the chances of them winning were seventy five percent.
Imagine if I told you you go out and buy
(23:08):
a lot of ticket there's a seventy five percent chance
that you would win. Oh my god, I would be
doing that because that's the rational choice. Right. It was
highly irrational in this situation for them to not take
that opportunity because of the sunk cost fallacy. They didn't
want to give up what they'd already worked really hard for.
(23:29):
And that happens all the time in real life. If
you think about my friend and her engagement, you know,
I told her this analogy. I was like, you've put
so much energy into this, you kept up appearances for
so long. You really like she did truly want it
to work. I And that's a sad thing. Really like
she really wanted it to work, So walking away from it,
(23:54):
you just feel like all that time, what was it for?
Was it for nothing? My book, though, I give this analogy.
So if you've read my book, I'm sorry, you'll know
what I'm about to say. But in my book, I
give this analogy of this pair of boots that I bought,
and at the time they were like the most expensive
pair of boots I had ever bought. You know what,
they were the most expensive item of clothing out of wear,
(24:17):
anything that I had ever bought. It was ridiculous. It
was like, I think I bought them with my first
paycheck when I was working my like research job, and
I was been waiting to get them for a while.
They were so beautiful. They were three hundred dollars. They
were three hundred fifty dollars. Sorry, just to give you
it you need that. You need to know how much
they were. For this later part. They were three hundred
fifty dollars. And I wore them to this winery with
(24:40):
my friends when I lived in Canberra, and they broke
literally on the first wear, the heel like snapped off.
Now I'd put three hundred and fifty dollars into these boots.
So I went to a cobbler because they still exist,
and he fixed it cost me one hundred dollars. Next
next time I wore them, the other heel broke, cost
(25:00):
me another one hundred dollars. Then I tore the zipper,
cost me like fifty dollars. Then they broke again. I
kid you not. These shoes were terribly made. Let's just
say that they were terribly made shoes. And at that
point I had spent more money repairing these shoes when
I literally could have just gone and bought a whole
(25:21):
new pair. But it's because that investment, that initial investment
of three hundred and fifty dollars and there's other continual investments,
meant that this pair of shoes was no longer worthless
to me, even though they literally didn't work. They were
worth all that money that I'd put into them. Why
was I wearing them? Why did I keep them? I
should have literally just started from zero again and bought
(25:42):
another pair of shoes, even if they were less, less
expensive and less dreamy like because of the sun cost fallacy.
We do that with jobs, We do that with relationships,
We do that with career pathways. We do that with
you know, moving to places and realizing actually this isn't
the place that we should live. But we just you know,
we've already told everyone that we're moving and we've already
(26:03):
spent so much money on like the removalist, Like, I
guess I just have to see it through when really
we're not happy and it causes us to continue to
serve an outdated dream and in the process forfeit future happiness.
If you want to see exactly how susceptible you are
to this, to the sunt cost fallacy, there is a
(26:24):
really interesting Harvard study that you can actually go and do.
Like they have the checklist that gave people a number
of scenarios like make a Halloween cape, paint your bedroom,
terminate a project and a relationship, and how willing they
would be to walk away from that project and what
the factors were that would influence that, and their answers
(26:47):
determined the susceptibility they had to the sun cost fallacy
in a more real world scenario. This is a really
great way to kind of give yourself some data about yourself,
learn more about yourself. Am I susceptible to this? And
maybe knowing that you are would reveal or help you
understand a lot of choices that you'd made in the
(27:08):
past and just understand how your brain works for future decisions.
The thing is, again, I'm going to sound like a
broken record. Broken record, you are meant to change your mind.
So what's probably stopping you is this whole combination of fear, rationality,
of social rejection, of disappointing others. So let's kind of
(27:31):
flip this narrative and talk about some of the benefits
of being the kind of person who can readily admit
I was wrong. I don't want this, I don't believe this,
I don't want to be this person anymore. First of all,
I think giving ourselves permission to change our mind actually
(27:53):
gives us a less decision fatigue and a reduced fear
of uncertainty. Tell me if I'm wrong. In our twenties,
I feel like anytime we go to make a decision,
there is so much to analyze, so much to think of,
so many pros and cons to weigh up, that we stagnate.
We just don't make a decision at all. That's decision
(28:15):
paralysis or analysis paralysis. We have this weird way of thinking,
which is that if we think about something more somehow,
that's going to mean that the outcome we want is
more certain, or we're going to be better able to
predict things not going right. That is a complete fallacy,
(28:35):
That is a complete lie. We have no idea of telling.
And overthinking and thinking about it too much is just
a comfort or reassurance technique. That actually means that we
stay in the decision phase for much longer than we
need to. And it means that when we eventually do
make a choice, we feel such an extreme loyalty to
(28:55):
that choice that if it isn't working, we won't walk away.
Now if we decide because it is a decision, that
it's okay to change your mind, Those decisions no longer
feel so final. Uncertainty about these outcomes feels less threatening
because we know that if we don't like the outcome,
we can always just change it. No longer are we
(29:17):
sitting in this like panicked phase of like this is
so important because once I make a choice, I'm locked
in for life. No, no, no, we can. We can
make a choice and then make a different choice the
week after and the week after that and the week
after that. And I know that some people think that
that means that, you know, we give up and we
start again, and we give up, and we start again,
and we don't have follow through. Now, this is about
(29:39):
being able to make a decision from a really managed
place and almost almost silence all those other factors that
are influencing us and make the decision that's right for us. Right,
if you think about it again, not wanting to change
your mind doesn't actually come from the fact that the
(30:00):
next decision isn't going to be a better decision. If
we only thought about things practically and we were only like,
oh yeah, probably leaving this relationship is the right thing,
and mentally this relationship, our life would be a lot easier.
It's all this other stuff that gets in the way,
and so deciding that it's okay to ignore those things
would give us more freedom to make the right choice
in the future, and to make different choices when those
(30:22):
choices aren't working out. I don't know how many time
I just said choices. That's like a drinking game right there.
It also means that we would be more flexible. Right,
some of the most successful people in the world, and
they've done studies on this and found they are not
the smartest. They actually don't have the highest iques. They
may not have the most resources, but they're the ones
(30:43):
who can respond and act the fastest. And what allows
them to do that they don't get too attached to
what others think they should be doing. They don't get
or they aren't worried about abandoning things that aren't working.
They don't put too much of their ego in their
failures or their mistakes, and they are very quick to
move on from wrong choices. That is what we want
(31:05):
for ourselves. That's what I want for myself at least.
This also helps us tap into something called the possible
selves theory. I love this theory and I'll explain it
to you now, and I'll give you a way to
feel it for yourself. If I asked you to pause
for a second, and I said, just think about who
you are, and I asked you to define yourself and
(31:28):
how you see yourself, you would probably list your hobbies,
your name, your values, your job, your relationship status, all
stuff that defines you right now now. The possible selves theory.
This was developed at Stanford during the nineteen eighties, I
think eighties or nineties. It says that when we start
considering ourself as not just who we are now, but
(31:52):
who we want to be in the future, or our
possible selves what feels available to us dramatically. This is
particularly the case when we start to actively consider what
this theory calls our hoped for selves. Our hoped for
selves is this big category of potential future versions of
(32:18):
us that we would be really happy to become and
that we would really like to bring into existence. Basically,
this theory asks us to see every version of us
as equally important, the past, the present, and of course
the future version of us. They all deserve our attention,
(32:39):
and they all are relying on us to make the
right decision now, the right decision for right now. Doesn't
mean you can't change it, but asking us to be
ready to make the decisions that we need to. And
this also helps us rise above our current emotions about
our circumstances, our current fears of disappointing others or of
being judged, or of thinking we failed, and just think
(33:01):
way ahead for a second and really just think about
what needs to be done for us to become everything
we want to be in the future, and how much
that how sweet of a reward that is going to be.
This is just like such a profound motivational, motivational force,
and it allows us to see the choice to change
(33:22):
our mind or to change our path not as a sacrifice,
but as a really necessary and important bridge between present
and future. And it gets us to think less about
the current discomfort and more about the future reward. You
can do this for yourself right now. I don't think
(33:44):
about yourself in this moment. I don't care who you
are right now. Who do you want to be? What
is the most ideal version of you that you want
to exist? And if you can't think of one, you
probably need to think a little bit harder. Now. What
are the choices in the decisions that aren't working for
you right now, or the beliefs that aren't working for
(34:06):
you right now that are stopping you from crossing the
bridge between your current self and your future possible hoped
for self. I think when we see when the stakes
change for us, when the stakes change from I might
disappoint people too, I might disappoint myself, and I might
deny myself my future, it becomes a lot easier to
(34:28):
change our mind because we realize how serious this could
be for us. Finally, changing your mind actually shows great
strength psychologically. This is the whole premise behind Carol Dweck's
growth mindset theory. Carol Dweck. You may not have heard
her name, you have definitely heard about her theories. She
(34:50):
is a very famous Stanford psychologist and she developed this
idea of the fixed versus growth mindset principle, which basically
says people who are willing to admit when they are
wrong are actually psychologically stronger than those who cannot challenge
themselves and basically have this belief that like, ah, this
is just who I am. I was just born this way,
I will always be this way. That mindset shows very
(35:14):
limited cognitive flexibility, and that is directly linked to being
a less happy person. We actually have to change our
mind in order to be satisfied. They have done study
after study on this. There is this very famous theory
called self determination theory, and it argues that for a
human being to be well and to be happy and
(35:36):
to be fulfilled, they have three basic psychological needs need
to be met. Autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Autonomy and competence,
this is what we're focusing on here. We have to
feel like we are able to make our own choices
and then our life is self directed, and we also
(35:58):
have to feel like we are getting better at something,
that we are expanding our abilities, that we are progressing,
and that we are changing. So denying yourself the ability
to change your mind is basically denying yourself humanness. It's
denying yourself determination and happiness. So with all that in mind,
I want to give you some final reminders, some final
(36:22):
reminders that will make it easier for you to basically
say I was wrong. Firstly, if it is the fear
of being judged that is stopping you, I want to
remind you that no one cares and that no one
is paying attention. Now, this isn't just like a personal
belief I have. This is like an evidence supported, evidence
based fact. A two thousand study done at Cornell I
(36:48):
think I think it was done in like in association
with Cornell, basically found that people tend to greatly overestimate
how much attention others are actually paying to them and
their decisions. You might know this as the spotlight effect.
So in this study, Cornell University students war were asked
(37:09):
to wear embarrassing T shirts around campus, and they significantly
overestimated how many people were going to notice their shirts.
What the research has found was that when they asked
the people who were milling around these students on campus
on the green, on the lawn in the library, very
(37:29):
few of them actually noticed those T shirts. Very few
of them even remembered walking past half of these students.
This overestimation. It stems from us being so focused on
our own thoughts and our experiences that we incorrectly project
them and project that intense self awareness onto others and
(37:51):
assume that they are also equally aware of us. No
one is paying attention to you, No one. Some people may,
but no one is going to be burdened by your
decision to change your mind or to not change your
mind more than you are. And for the small majority
of people who are somehow really focused in on what
(38:14):
you're doing, and who are really focused in on your
decision to change your opinion or you know, go back
on something you once wanted, you know, for some people,
I always say this, for some people, the most interesting
thing they can do is criticize others. It's the most
interesting thing they're ever going to do in their life.
(38:34):
And it's a pretty sad way of living. What it
really is is ego defense or ego protection. It's a shield.
If all of their attention is consumed by thoughts about
how others are failing or disappointing others or somehow lying,
they never have to turn that focus inwards or around
towards themselves. These people and they are the minority. I
(38:58):
will say that they have a lot of time on
their hands, and that could never be me, and that
could never be you, because we've got stuff we want
to do, Like I've got stuff I want to achieve,
I've got places I want to see, I've got love
I want to share, Like I don't have time to
sit and think about whether you know Simon is actually
(39:21):
like what's he doing in his degree? Oh? I heard
he is, Like I heard he's not doing his degree anymore.
And I heard like, well, wow, what's that choice about?
Like I don't have time to do that. That's your
own life. Do what's best for you. I also want
to remind you it's never too late to start over.
Like literally, ever, my grandma didn't get her degree until
she was like in her fifties, and she had a
(39:42):
great stint and a great career. My mom, you know,
she didn't graduate from university until much later on in
her twenties, and even that I think is pretty young.
I know we've all seen that post that's like, oh,
you know Verra Awaang didn't design her first wedding dress
until fifty or Oprah didn't get her first TV show
until thirty seven. It's important to have those stories. Do
(40:07):
not fall into the trap that you can't change your
mind because you don't have enough time to rebuild the
life around the next decision you make. There are no rules.
You have so much more time than you think. Life
is very, very long, and I think you would rather
die trying to rebuild or build a better life for
(40:28):
yourself based on something that actually feels authentic than die
having spent more time in a belief system or an
opinion or a life that you actually didn't like, believe in,
enjoy just for the sake of others. No one else
has to live your life for you. No one else
is going to face the consequences of not being true
(40:48):
to yourself or your future possible selves, and the pain
of not doing what they need you to do more
than you are. People can judge you or they like.
You can disappoint your parents, You can disappoint people around you,
maybe you can be seen as unreliable. That pain is
never going to be as intense as the pain of
looking back and realizing God, in my one precious life,
(41:13):
I didn't do the things I actually wanted because of
what people who are going to be gone anyways. Don't
let that be you. There is a lot of life
to live. There are a lot of mistakes that you
will make and choices that you will go back on.
One of the most freeing things I think that I've
realized recently is like, at some point the life I
currently have isn't going to fit me anymore. And that
(41:36):
could be terrifying to realize, because I really love my
life right now. But I'm also really excited to see
what's going to evolve from here and what's going to
need to change, and how that discomfort is actually pushing
me in a really fruitful, amazing direction. So I hope
this episode has served as a reminder for you. If
(41:58):
you have made it this far, I would ask that
you leave a little comment down below of something you
changed your mind about. Whether it is that you hate
eggplant and now you love it, which I don't understand.
Eggplant is disgusting, but whether it's like you change your
mind about a food, or about a person, or about
a belief or about what you thought was going to
(42:19):
make you happy. Let's share them down below, because I
think seeing other people not be afraid to admit when
they were not even wrong, but that something wasn't right
for them any longer is really empowering. So thank you
for listening. I hope this has emboldened you, excited you
inspired you. Make sure as well that you were following
(42:40):
on us on Instagram, at that psychology podcast if you
want to see a summary of this episode, if you
want to see what's going on behind the scenes, if
you want to give us an episode suggestion, and that
you are following along wherever you are listening right now,
whether that is Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeartRadio app, Tie,
I don't know wherever you are YouTube. Make sure you're
(43:03):
following and give us a five star review only if
you feel called to do so. It doesn't really help
the show grow and reach new people, but it's always
thank you again for listening. That's the third time I've
said that. Obviously, I'm feeling a lot of gratitude in
my heart for you guys, right now, but until next time,
stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. Remember it
is okay to change your mind, and we will talk
(43:26):
very very soon,
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we
are talking about decision making, but not in a way
that you expect. We're not talking about how we can
(00:47):
make decisions, how we know that we're making the right decision.
We're not going to talk about how to weigh up
costs and benefits, how to have certainty in your decisions.
We're actually going to talk about the aftermath of making
a choice, where you realize, Hey, this actually isn't right
for me, this actually isn't what I believe in, this
(01:10):
actually isn't what I want for my life, and why
it feels so hard in those moments to admit that
we were wrong or I guess, to change our mind.
I obviously on this podcast reflect so much on my
own personal growth. If you've been here for a long time,
You'll know that I started the Psychology of your Twenties
basically as a way to kind of therapize myself and
(01:33):
to kind of like interrogate, explore research like the stuff
that was going on in my own life and in
my twenties. And a big thing that I am learning
right now is exactly this. Changing your mind and having
to tell people that or having to let people down
(01:53):
is incredibly uncomfortable. It is also absolutely necessary, especially in
this decade, and I have had to do this a lot. Recently.
I had to turn down like a really big business
opportunity that I really wanted to do but realized, like,
you know, no, I'm not right for this, or it's
not the right time for me. I've changed my mind
on some of my political opinions recently. But what really
(02:15):
inspired me to talk about this and what has made
me realize why we need to talk about this more
was a friend of mine who recently called off an engagement,
and she's given me permission to talk about this. But basically,
she knew when she said yes to her now ex fiance,
like in the bottom of her heart, that this wasn't right,
(02:35):
and she ignored it for months. They'd been together for
four years, her whole family loved him, everyone said they
were soulmates, but the relationship obviously looked very different from within,
which you know, as a friend, you only really find
out later on most of the time. And she was
telling me in hindsight how she was going back and forth,
kind of plagued with guilt, plagued with doubt, plagued with
(02:58):
this fear of disappointing people, people who had kind of
come to expect something from her in in a way,
something from her relationship, and finally she just had to
make the call. Obviously, in the aftermath, we've been talking
a lot about not like how this happened, but yeah,
how did this happen? How was it that she ended
up engaged to someone who she knew wasn't right for her?
(03:21):
And we've been talking a lot about this whole concept
of having to admit to ourselves and having to admit
to others that we have changed as a person, that
we have changed our minds, and how if we talked
about how truly normal this is, we would be saving
people a lot of doubt, a lot of heartbreak, and
a lot of kind of wasted time at the end
of the day, if time can never be wasted. But
that's another discussion, So to get into it, this is
(03:45):
a quick summary of what we are going to discuss. First,
I want to talk about why we resist changing our
minds because of a fear of being judged, a fear
of disappointing people, especially our parents. We're going to talk
about sunk cost fowls and what it actually means and
what it feels like and what comes after disappointment. Secondly,
(04:08):
we're going to talk about the cost of staying loyal
to old and outdated versions of ourselves and why actually
being less afraid to say I was wrong, I made
the wrong decision, this is not right for me, would
actually counterintuitively allow us to make decisions easier and with
a lot less anxiety. It's a big topic, guys, but honestly,
(04:33):
I think there's a lot of clarity that comes with
accepting this huge truth. You can't always make the right decision,
but you cannot make a better one unless you have
the courage to admit I was wrong, and so hopefully
this episode gives you the courage. Without further ado, let's
get into why it is okay, to change your mind
(04:54):
stay with us. So I know I've kind of framed
this discussion as changing your mind about big decisions like
an engagement or I don't know a job, But honestly,
I think that this extends to just about anything. Changing
your mind about your beliefs, your political opinions, the kind
(05:16):
of people you want to surround yourself with, the kind
of clothes you want to wear, where you want to live,
who you want to be with, what kind of person
you see yourself as Like, there are countless moments and
folks in the road where we make choices and we
change our mind about who we want to be, either
consciously or unconsciously. None of these things are ever set
(05:38):
in stone. Just because they were once important to you,
or because you once claimed it was something that you
believed in. You are allowed to change as a person
when you really interrogate this as well. Oftentimes, some of
the core pillars of our identity that we feel most
loyal to, some of our core opinions and beliefs, are
things that we first started to believe in at like
(06:00):
eighteen or maybe even younger. It was often things that
were influenced by family, influenced by the people around us,
by our environments, and the influence of these factors kind
of diminishes when we leave those spaces and the older
we get, and we also importantly start to really independently
(06:21):
rethink parts of our lives that we've kind of always
just assumed, or we've kind of just taken for granted,
or you know, decisions that we just felt were inevitable
because someone had wanted them from us, someone had served
it up on a silver platter and said, this is
what we've chosen for you. Now, changing your mind about
(06:41):
those things terrifying, scary, also a good thing. This is
what we call individuation. It is an essential part of
our psychological development, whereby we separate from the collective or
the norms that have previously shaped us, so that we
can carve out our own unique persona and unique identity.
(07:05):
It is one of our goals, one of our missions
as humans, to go through this phase in our life.
If you want to move from child to adult and
then from adult to individual, you have to go through
this period maybe a couple of times. And people who
don't do this, I think we all know one of them.
(07:26):
They end up basically without an identity very miserable. And
what this theory says is that they are incredibly malleable
to others opinions, others' expectations, and they go through life
never really figuring out who they are. That sounds pretty
scary to me. Now, this word individuation very serious. Might
(07:47):
sound like a very serious term, but you have, probably
if you are in your twenties, already experienced this to
a degree, even if you're at like eighteen or younger.
That's when this really begins to take hold. It's when
we decide, you know, hey, maybe I don't want to
study law at university just because my parents expect me to.
Maybe I don't fully believe my family's ultra conservative viewpoints.
(08:11):
Maybe I don't like dressing this way. Maybe this is
more my personal style. We realize, maybe I don't like
being around these people. Maybe I don't like my hometown.
Maybe I don't want to have kids. Maybe I do
want to have kids. After saying that, you thought one
thing for a long time, and maybe now you feel
differently about those matters. Our twenties are a period where
(08:32):
we change our mind a whole lot, and we have
a lot of these sort of what we would call epiphanies.
These like come to moments where we're like, wait, what
am I doing? Like I don't like this, I don't
believe this, I am not this. Firstly, it's because we
(08:53):
gain a lot of independence physically but also emotionally that secondly,
we are undergoing rapid idea entity development and experimentation. You
may find yourself wanting different things every three months, every year,
every week. Maybe that's actually totally normal. You know, one
day you might feel like, oh, I need to leave
(09:14):
this city and never come back. I'm going to move
to Puerto Rico. I'm gonna move to London. And then
the next you're like, no, I'm going to find a
really nice person and settle down, or I'm going to
start a farm. And then the next you're thinking, I'm
gonna go back to university and I'm going to learn
a trade, and it's like a freaking cyclone in your
mind of possibilities. That's amazing, that's actually exactly where you
(09:37):
should be. I don't know if anyone's ever told you this,
but that is you're doing it right. You may have
heard this idea that our brains aren't fully developed until
twenty five I think that's a very famous, a famous
fact that is actually a myth that is actually not
entirely true, and there's actually no solid evidence for this.
(10:01):
Our brains continue to develop across our lifespan. They actually
peak in maturation anywhere between twenty to our early thirties.
Like it's a very broad and individual process. I think
the reason we hear twenty five is because twenty five
just sounds like a fun number. So our brains aren't
fully developed at twenty five. But this is a period
(10:22):
where we are doing a lot of fine tuning, especially
in the prefrontal cortext which this place, this part of
our brain, it governs planning, it governs decision making, it
governs things like impulse control. And so with this ongoing development,
that means that our sense of judgment, our priorities, our
long term thinking is still under construction. It is still
(10:46):
shifting constantly. And we also, just because of our age,
have more doors open to us than we probably ever
will in our teen years. You know, we are kind
of limited by our age. We're kind of limited by
our As we get older, we also become limited by
past decisions that we made in our twenties. You know,
(11:07):
the decision to have kids, the decision to settle down
in a certain place, the decision to get a mortgage.
So this is like the most perfect little space and
like nugget of time where our choices are so abundant.
We're young, we're hopefully healthy, and we're like a kid
(11:29):
in a candy store rushing about being like, no, I
want this one, Like no, I want this one. I
want this life. I want this life. We can't choose.
It's why we make plans for the future maybe like
six months out and then like because we are changing
so rapidly during this decade, by the time we get there,
we've like already changed our minds. Again, that doesn't mean
you were lying about that choice or that that wasn't
(11:51):
a priority at some stage. It is literally just that
the fact, like our the rate at which we are
changing as individuals outpaces the rate at which we can
sometimes make decisions and follow through on them. It is
literally that you become a different person psychologically. I think
in our twenties like every six months. And I think
(12:12):
that's important. This is quite literally the definition of trial
and error. And I've said it before, I will continue
to say it. Life is not meant to be a
recipe where step one naturally leads into step two and
step three until you've made the dish you decided on
at the beginning. It is a series of experiments, and
even the experiments that don't work out, even the ones
(12:35):
that you change your mind about, have taught you something.
I think in your twenties you live many many lives,
or at least you should, and changing your mind. Being
able to interpret what you want in a specific moment,
even if that's different from what you wanted before, is
a really really important part of that. And it means
(12:55):
that when you get to your thirties or your forties
and you're ready to choose, you have as much information
as you need to make the right choice. Now. These
decisions they often require action, though, or at the very
least like some kind of vocalization. And this is where
we find it hard to admit I have changed my mind.
(13:17):
I'm not that person anymore, especially if we've already kind
of started down the path. We think that just because
we've said we are one thing, we must always be
that thing. We must always believe in what we once
did with conviction, We must always want what we claimed
we once wanted. Why do we think that? Why is that?
(13:38):
Of course it's not one reason. It's never one reason.
It's a multitude of reasons. I think we don't always
want to admit we've changed our mind because there is
a great deal of cultural messaging to do with sticking
things out, not quitting, following through, finishing what you're started,
(13:59):
being reliable, being trustworthy. The driver behind this is really
other people's desire for continuity from us. They want us
to be the same person that we were a year
ago and a year before that so that they can
understand us. And it's also this idea that you know,
(14:19):
being a hard worker and having follow through gives you
some kind of like moral superiority or means that you
have a better kind of character. The problem with this
framing is that, yes, making promises to other people and
making promises to yourself and following through is amazing and
should be something that you aspire to do. Not if
(14:41):
though you don't actually want to do that thing. We
frame this as a failure of willpower, that someone just
didn't have what it take took or just wasn't committed enough,
Rather than realizing that changing your mind about these things
is actually a really natural de developmental process and a
really important sign of growth. But I think that framing
(15:05):
is why we feel a lot of shame around, you know,
maybe quitting a degree that wasn't right for us, or
stepping away from a venture, or ending a long term relationship,
whatever it may be that we'd previously committed to, because
we think it means we don't have follow through. We
think that it signals that we are a quitter rather
than someone who is actually very very brave. This cultural conditioning,
(15:27):
it is very powerful sometimes, you know, I often have
this thought where I think, like, I wonder how many
people are in loveless marriages, or are in careers they
don't want, or stuck in cities they don't actually like,
or because they don't want to be they don't want
to be seen as quitting, or they don't want to
(15:47):
be labeled as unreliable. And how wild is it that
we have prioritized the opinions of some people that we
may not even know, or the opinions of people who
don't actually have to live our life over our own desires, Like,
it's really strange that we do that to ourselves. This
(16:12):
kind of brings me to the next big factor, and
that is the fear of judgment, mainly the fear of
disappointing people, as we just said, especially people who are
close to us. For many of us in our twenties,
let's just say it, I think that's our parents. And
our fear of disappointing our parents isn't one dimensional. It's
(16:35):
actually very complex. The starters your parents may have placed
a lot of expectation on you that ended up really
controlling your life. I know this is particularly the experience
for firstborns, for eldest daughters, the children of immigrants, for example,
the children of high achievers. I'm not an immigrant, so
(16:56):
I can't directly speak to that experience, but it's something
I can get a lot of DMS about. How can
I let my parents down? How can I forge my
own path? How can I make them value my interests
even if they aren't going to make a whole lot
of money, when they have sacrificed so much to get
me here, so much to get me to this place,
to raise me, to give me a better life. There
(17:18):
was a twenty twenty study that found that the children
of first generation immigrants often experience significantly more stress compared
to their peers when it comes to meeting their parents'
academic expectations. In fact, they often cite it as one
of their main forms of academic motivation to please their parents,
to live out their parents' dream. Compared to non immigrant children,
(17:42):
who say that often what motivates their study is a
sense of personal achievement or some kind of personal goal,
they worry a lot less about parental approval, especially again
for firstborns. Imagine if you are a firstborn, first generation immigrant,
Oh my god, the pressure and not let down your
parents must be astounding. And birth order theory, whether you
(18:05):
believe it or not, does hypothesize that if you are
the firstborn child, the standard for you is higher, the
expectations are greater. You are the example. You are being
molded to eventually become the guide and the leader for
the family. So stepping away from the dream your parents
have for you, that's going against decades in some cases,
(18:27):
of validation and decades of training. You know, if you're
twenty twenty one, twenty seven, whatever it is, that's like
twenty years that this is the information you have been
receiving from those around you to please them, to impress them,
to do what is best according to them. Here's the thing.
You have two options here. You can keep up the facade.
(18:52):
You can keep up with the expectations. You can keep
up with what other people want from you. But that
is a choice. You do have a choice. I'm going
to give you some hard love here. At some stage,
you have decided that this is what you were going
to do, even if you didn't realize it. You have
(19:14):
decided to suppress the deeper, individualized version of you. And
that might be because it is the right choice based
on your priorities. If disappointing your parents or letting them
down is more serious to you than choosing your own path,
that's okay. You've made that choice. But I just want
to remind you that changing your mind is also an option.
(19:35):
It will take a whole lot of courage. But on
the other side of disappointment is clarity and is growth.
What's the saying you can't make You can't make an
omelet without breaking a few eggs. You also can't make
a life without disappointing a few people who are perhaps
expecting too much from you or vicariously living through you.
(19:55):
It doesn't make you unkind. In fact, I think not
just appointing others would actually mean you're truly being unkind
to yourself. It's actually a profound form of honesty, and
multiple studies, including a very famous one from the University
of Chicago, find that actually being honest about your preferences,
(20:16):
being willing to say no or to say I've changed
my mind, allows for more genuine happiness and almost I
think the majority of the cases. Okay, we're going to
take a short break here, but when we return, we're
going to talk about some cost fallacy. We're also going
to talk about why being okay with changing your mind
(20:39):
actually means that you could make decisions faster and experience
less analysis paralysis. So stick around. Will be right back
after this short break. So before we talk about why
we should all be changing our minds a little bit
more and why it's actually really great for psychological well
(21:02):
being and for growth, let's talk about one final reason
why we struggle to go back on decisions we previously
felt were correct, and that final reason is the sunk
cost fallacy. This is a very famous theory. You probably
know it by now, but just to summarize, the more
we feel we have put into a decision we have
(21:23):
put into a choice, we have put into a course
of action relationship, job, city, hobby, even identity. The less
we feel we can walk away because we believe we
will lose all of that time, all of that money, effort,
energy that we have invested that loss. We have a
natural loss of version as humans, we don't want to
(21:44):
lose things. We don't want to lose out on things
we've previously earned or given to something. It actually causes
us to act really, really irrationally. And by irrationally, I
mean it causes us to actually act against our self interest.
So let's talk about an experiment that shows this. So
(22:04):
this experiment went this way. These participants were I think
that I don't know how many they were, It doesn't matter.
These participants were given the opportunity to work for twenty dollars.
They just had to do a series of tasks and
if they did those tasks, they would get the twenty dollars. Now,
after they had gotten the money, they were then given
(22:27):
a seventy five percent chance that they could make one
hundred dollars, but they would have to forfeit their right
to that twenty dollars. The majority of these individuals would
not take it. They felt they had put so much
time and energy into making that money, and they didn't
want to give it up, even for the chance of
(22:47):
winning something much better. That is highly irrational. Now, I
know you're probably thinking, like, wait, but doesn't it Isn't
it just showing that maybe these people don't like gambling. No,
because the chances of them winning were seventy five percent.
Imagine if I told you you go out and buy
(23:08):
a lot of ticket there's a seventy five percent chance
that you would win. Oh my god, I would be
doing that because that's the rational choice. Right. It was
highly irrational in this situation for them to not take
that opportunity because of the sunk cost fallacy. They didn't
want to give up what they'd already worked really hard for.
(23:29):
And that happens all the time in real life. If
you think about my friend and her engagement, you know,
I told her this analogy. I was like, you've put
so much energy into this, you kept up appearances for
so long. You really like she did truly want it
to work. I And that's a sad thing. Really like
she really wanted it to work, So walking away from it,
(23:54):
you just feel like all that time, what was it for?
Was it for nothing? My book, though, I give this analogy.
So if you've read my book, I'm sorry, you'll know
what I'm about to say. But in my book, I
give this analogy of this pair of boots that I bought,
and at the time they were like the most expensive
pair of boots I had ever bought. You know what,
they were the most expensive item of clothing out of wear,
(24:17):
anything that I had ever bought. It was ridiculous. It
was like, I think I bought them with my first
paycheck when I was working my like research job, and
I was been waiting to get them for a while.
They were so beautiful. They were three hundred dollars. They
were three hundred fifty dollars. Sorry, just to give you
it you need that. You need to know how much
they were. For this later part. They were three hundred
fifty dollars. And I wore them to this winery with
(24:40):
my friends when I lived in Canberra, and they broke
literally on the first wear, the heel like snapped off.
Now I'd put three hundred and fifty dollars into these boots.
So I went to a cobbler because they still exist,
and he fixed it cost me one hundred dollars. Next
next time I wore them, the other heel broke, cost
(25:00):
me another one hundred dollars. Then I tore the zipper,
cost me like fifty dollars. Then they broke again. I
kid you not. These shoes were terribly made. Let's just
say that they were terribly made shoes. And at that
point I had spent more money repairing these shoes when
I literally could have just gone and bought a whole
(25:21):
new pair. But it's because that investment, that initial investment
of three hundred and fifty dollars and there's other continual investments,
meant that this pair of shoes was no longer worthless
to me, even though they literally didn't work. They were
worth all that money that I'd put into them. Why
was I wearing them? Why did I keep them? I
should have literally just started from zero again and bought
(25:42):
another pair of shoes, even if they were less, less
expensive and less dreamy like because of the sun cost fallacy.
We do that with jobs, We do that with relationships,
We do that with career pathways. We do that with
you know, moving to places and realizing actually this isn't
the place that we should live. But we just you know,
we've already told everyone that we're moving and we've already
(26:03):
spent so much money on like the removalist, Like, I
guess I just have to see it through when really
we're not happy and it causes us to continue to
serve an outdated dream and in the process forfeit future happiness.
If you want to see exactly how susceptible you are
to this, to the sunt cost fallacy, there is a
(26:24):
really interesting Harvard study that you can actually go and do.
Like they have the checklist that gave people a number
of scenarios like make a Halloween cape, paint your bedroom,
terminate a project and a relationship, and how willing they
would be to walk away from that project and what
the factors were that would influence that, and their answers
(26:47):
determined the susceptibility they had to the sun cost fallacy
in a more real world scenario. This is a really
great way to kind of give yourself some data about yourself,
learn more about yourself. Am I susceptible to this? And
maybe knowing that you are would reveal or help you
understand a lot of choices that you'd made in the
(27:08):
past and just understand how your brain works for future decisions.
The thing is, again, I'm going to sound like a
broken record. Broken record, you are meant to change your mind.
So what's probably stopping you is this whole combination of fear, rationality,
of social rejection, of disappointing others. So let's kind of
(27:31):
flip this narrative and talk about some of the benefits
of being the kind of person who can readily admit
I was wrong. I don't want this, I don't believe this,
I don't want to be this person anymore. First of all,
I think giving ourselves permission to change our mind actually
(27:53):
gives us a less decision fatigue and a reduced fear
of uncertainty. Tell me if I'm wrong. In our twenties,
I feel like anytime we go to make a decision,
there is so much to analyze, so much to think of,
so many pros and cons to weigh up, that we stagnate.
We just don't make a decision at all. That's decision
(28:15):
paralysis or analysis paralysis. We have this weird way of thinking,
which is that if we think about something more somehow,
that's going to mean that the outcome we want is
more certain, or we're going to be better able to
predict things not going right. That is a complete fallacy,
(28:35):
That is a complete lie. We have no idea of telling.
And overthinking and thinking about it too much is just
a comfort or reassurance technique. That actually means that we
stay in the decision phase for much longer than we
need to. And it means that when we eventually do
make a choice, we feel such an extreme loyalty to
(28:55):
that choice that if it isn't working, we won't walk away.
Now if we decide because it is a decision, that
it's okay to change your mind, Those decisions no longer
feel so final. Uncertainty about these outcomes feels less threatening
because we know that if we don't like the outcome,
we can always just change it. No longer are we
(29:17):
sitting in this like panicked phase of like this is
so important because once I make a choice, I'm locked
in for life. No, no, no, we can. We can
make a choice and then make a different choice the
week after and the week after that and the week
after that. And I know that some people think that
that means that, you know, we give up and we
start again, and we give up, and we start again,
and we don't have follow through. Now, this is about
(29:39):
being able to make a decision from a really managed
place and almost almost silence all those other factors that
are influencing us and make the decision that's right for us. Right,
if you think about it again, not wanting to change
your mind doesn't actually come from the fact that the
(30:00):
next decision isn't going to be a better decision. If
we only thought about things practically and we were only like,
oh yeah, probably leaving this relationship is the right thing,
and mentally this relationship, our life would be a lot easier.
It's all this other stuff that gets in the way,
and so deciding that it's okay to ignore those things
would give us more freedom to make the right choice
in the future, and to make different choices when those
(30:22):
choices aren't working out. I don't know how many time
I just said choices. That's like a drinking game right there.
It also means that we would be more flexible. Right,
some of the most successful people in the world, and
they've done studies on this and found they are not
the smartest. They actually don't have the highest iques. They
may not have the most resources, but they're the ones
(30:43):
who can respond and act the fastest. And what allows
them to do that they don't get too attached to
what others think they should be doing. They don't get
or they aren't worried about abandoning things that aren't working.
They don't put too much of their ego in their
failures or their mistakes, and they are very quick to
move on from wrong choices. That is what we want
(31:05):
for ourselves. That's what I want for myself at least.
This also helps us tap into something called the possible
selves theory. I love this theory and I'll explain it
to you now, and I'll give you a way to
feel it for yourself. If I asked you to pause
for a second, and I said, just think about who
you are, and I asked you to define yourself and
(31:28):
how you see yourself, you would probably list your hobbies,
your name, your values, your job, your relationship status, all
stuff that defines you right now now. The possible selves theory.
This was developed at Stanford during the nineteen eighties, I
think eighties or nineties. It says that when we start
considering ourself as not just who we are now, but
(31:52):
who we want to be in the future, or our
possible selves what feels available to us dramatically. This is
particularly the case when we start to actively consider what
this theory calls our hoped for selves. Our hoped for
selves is this big category of potential future versions of
(32:18):
us that we would be really happy to become and
that we would really like to bring into existence. Basically,
this theory asks us to see every version of us
as equally important, the past, the present, and of course
the future version of us. They all deserve our attention,
(32:39):
and they all are relying on us to make the
right decision now, the right decision for right now. Doesn't
mean you can't change it, but asking us to be
ready to make the decisions that we need to. And
this also helps us rise above our current emotions about
our circumstances, our current fears of disappointing others or of
being judged, or of thinking we failed, and just think
(33:01):
way ahead for a second and really just think about
what needs to be done for us to become everything
we want to be in the future, and how much
that how sweet of a reward that is going to be.
This is just like such a profound motivational, motivational force,
and it allows us to see the choice to change
(33:22):
our mind or to change our path not as a sacrifice,
but as a really necessary and important bridge between present
and future. And it gets us to think less about
the current discomfort and more about the future reward. You
can do this for yourself right now. I don't think
(33:44):
about yourself in this moment. I don't care who you
are right now. Who do you want to be? What
is the most ideal version of you that you want
to exist? And if you can't think of one, you
probably need to think a little bit harder. Now. What
are the choices in the decisions that aren't working for
you right now, or the beliefs that aren't working for
(34:06):
you right now that are stopping you from crossing the
bridge between your current self and your future possible hoped
for self. I think when we see when the stakes
change for us, when the stakes change from I might
disappoint people too, I might disappoint myself, and I might
deny myself my future, it becomes a lot easier to
(34:28):
change our mind because we realize how serious this could
be for us. Finally, changing your mind actually shows great
strength psychologically. This is the whole premise behind Carol Dweck's
growth mindset theory. Carol Dweck. You may not have heard
her name, you have definitely heard about her theories. She
(34:50):
is a very famous Stanford psychologist and she developed this
idea of the fixed versus growth mindset principle, which basically
says people who are willing to admit when they are
wrong are actually psychologically stronger than those who cannot challenge
themselves and basically have this belief that like, ah, this
is just who I am. I was just born this way,
I will always be this way. That mindset shows very
(35:14):
limited cognitive flexibility, and that is directly linked to being
a less happy person. We actually have to change our
mind in order to be satisfied. They have done study
after study on this. There is this very famous theory
called self determination theory, and it argues that for a
human being to be well and to be happy and
(35:36):
to be fulfilled, they have three basic psychological needs need
to be met. Autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Autonomy and competence,
this is what we're focusing on here. We have to
feel like we are able to make our own choices
and then our life is self directed, and we also
(35:58):
have to feel like we are getting better at something,
that we are expanding our abilities, that we are progressing,
and that we are changing. So denying yourself the ability
to change your mind is basically denying yourself humanness. It's
denying yourself determination and happiness. So with all that in mind,
I want to give you some final reminders, some final
(36:22):
reminders that will make it easier for you to basically
say I was wrong. Firstly, if it is the fear
of being judged that is stopping you, I want to
remind you that no one cares and that no one
is paying attention. Now, this isn't just like a personal
belief I have. This is like an evidence supported, evidence
based fact. A two thousand study done at Cornell I
(36:48):
think I think it was done in like in association
with Cornell, basically found that people tend to greatly overestimate
how much attention others are actually paying to them and
their decisions. You might know this as the spotlight effect.
So in this study, Cornell University students war were asked
(37:09):
to wear embarrassing T shirts around campus, and they significantly
overestimated how many people were going to notice their shirts.
What the research has found was that when they asked
the people who were milling around these students on campus
on the green, on the lawn in the library, very
(37:29):
few of them actually noticed those T shirts. Very few
of them even remembered walking past half of these students.
This overestimation. It stems from us being so focused on
our own thoughts and our experiences that we incorrectly project
them and project that intense self awareness onto others and
(37:51):
assume that they are also equally aware of us. No
one is paying attention to you, No one. Some people may,
but no one is going to be burdened by your
decision to change your mind or to not change your
mind more than you are. And for the small majority
of people who are somehow really focused in on what
(38:14):
you're doing, and who are really focused in on your
decision to change your opinion or you know, go back
on something you once wanted, you know, for some people,
I always say this, for some people, the most interesting
thing they can do is criticize others. It's the most
interesting thing they're ever going to do in their life.
(38:34):
And it's a pretty sad way of living. What it
really is is ego defense or ego protection. It's a shield.
If all of their attention is consumed by thoughts about
how others are failing or disappointing others or somehow lying,
they never have to turn that focus inwards or around
towards themselves. These people and they are the minority. I
(38:58):
will say that they have a lot of time on
their hands, and that could never be me, and that
could never be you, because we've got stuff we want
to do, Like I've got stuff I want to achieve,
I've got places I want to see, I've got love
I want to share, Like I don't have time to
sit and think about whether you know Simon is actually
(39:21):
like what's he doing in his degree? Oh? I heard
he is, Like I heard he's not doing his degree anymore.
And I heard like, well, wow, what's that choice about?
Like I don't have time to do that. That's your
own life. Do what's best for you. I also want
to remind you it's never too late to start over.
Like literally, ever, my grandma didn't get her degree until
she was like in her fifties, and she had a
(39:42):
great stint and a great career. My mom, you know,
she didn't graduate from university until much later on in
her twenties, and even that I think is pretty young.
I know we've all seen that post that's like, oh,
you know Verra Awaang didn't design her first wedding dress
until fifty or Oprah didn't get her first TV show
until thirty seven. It's important to have those stories. Do
(40:07):
not fall into the trap that you can't change your
mind because you don't have enough time to rebuild the
life around the next decision you make. There are no rules.
You have so much more time than you think. Life
is very, very long, and I think you would rather
die trying to rebuild or build a better life for
(40:28):
yourself based on something that actually feels authentic than die
having spent more time in a belief system or an
opinion or a life that you actually didn't like, believe in,
enjoy just for the sake of others. No one else
has to live your life for you. No one else
is going to face the consequences of not being true
(40:48):
to yourself or your future possible selves, and the pain
of not doing what they need you to do more
than you are. People can judge you or they like.
You can disappoint your parents, You can disappoint people around you,
maybe you can be seen as unreliable. That pain is
never going to be as intense as the pain of
looking back and realizing God, in my one precious life,
(41:13):
I didn't do the things I actually wanted because of
what people who are going to be gone anyways. Don't
let that be you. There is a lot of life
to live. There are a lot of mistakes that you
will make and choices that you will go back on.
One of the most freeing things I think that I've
realized recently is like, at some point the life I
currently have isn't going to fit me anymore. And that
(41:36):
could be terrifying to realize, because I really love my
life right now. But I'm also really excited to see
what's going to evolve from here and what's going to
need to change, and how that discomfort is actually pushing
me in a really fruitful, amazing direction. So I hope
this episode has served as a reminder for you. If
(41:58):
you have made it this far, I would ask that
you leave a little comment down below of something you
changed your mind about. Whether it is that you hate
eggplant and now you love it, which I don't understand.
Eggplant is disgusting, but whether it's like you change your
mind about a food, or about a person, or about
a belief or about what you thought was going to
(42:19):
make you happy. Let's share them down below, because I
think seeing other people not be afraid to admit when
they were not even wrong, but that something wasn't right
for them any longer is really empowering. So thank you
for listening. I hope this has emboldened you, excited you
inspired you. Make sure as well that you were following
(42:40):
on us on Instagram, at that psychology podcast if you
want to see a summary of this episode, if you
want to see what's going on behind the scenes, if
you want to give us an episode suggestion, and that
you are following along wherever you are listening right now,
whether that is Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeartRadio app, Tie,
I don't know wherever you are YouTube. Make sure you're
(43:03):
following and give us a five star review only if
you feel called to do so. It doesn't really help
the show grow and reach new people, but it's always
thank you again for listening. That's the third time I've
said that. Obviously, I'm feeling a lot of gratitude in
my heart for you guys, right now, but until next time,
stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. Remember it
is okay to change your mind, and we will talk
(43:26):
very very soon,
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.