October 16, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you ever felt like everything in your late twenties is suddenly up for grabs - your relationships, your career, even who you thought you were? It might be your Saturn return - a period of upheaval, self-reflection, and big life questions that’s as much psychological as it is astrological.
In this episode, we look at the psychology behind Saturn returns - why this age feels so turbulent, what’s happening in our minds and lives.
We explore:
• The astrological background of Saturn returns
• Why humans are drawn to these kinds of explanations
• Dynamic shifts of our relationships, friendships and family dynamics
• Uncertainty and mismatches in our 20s
• Why upheaval can be good for us
• Strategies to navigate this period
If you’ve ever wondered why the end of your twenties feels like some huge cosmic challenge, this episode is for you.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. I am so very excited
for today's episode because it's a little bit different from
(00:45):
our usual content. It kind of marries, I would say,
my two podcasts together in a way. If you guys
didn't know, I have another podcast called Mantra, which I
describe as like the spiritual little sister of the Psychology
of Your Twenties. We go in depth into a lot
of the stuff we talk about here, but from a
more philosophical perspective, and you know what, maybe a little
(01:09):
bit woo woo for some but I really like having
that at a depth and like the nuances of those
conversations to kind of give things a new angle. And
today we're kind of diving more into that realm and
taking a more kind of astrological spiritual take on our twenties,
but of course still with like a scientific lens to it.
(01:30):
We are talking about an idea that if you are
in your late twenties, maybe on the brink of thirty,
you have heard about before. It is the idea of
Saturn's return. So this concept of Satin returns. Firstly, so
many of you have asked me for this question. But secondly,
it's really having a moment. It comes up so much
in pop culture, especially in songs. You know, Scissors song Saturn,
(01:55):
I think it's just called Saturn, Casey Muscow's song Deeper. Well,
I know Ariana Grande has song about it on her
new album. And in each of these songs, you know,
these artists talk about this pivotal moment that they've each
uniquely experienced in which at twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine,
their lives just suddenly shocked them and kind of just
(02:16):
completely did one to eighty. It's actually a rather common
experience for people at this age to just go through
a magnificent, completely unpredictable life shift, and if you believe
the theory, it is something that actually all of us
must go through. All of us are going to have
some form of this experience. The idea of satin returns
(02:36):
comes from astrology. It basically represents an astrological event whereby satin,
the planet returns to its same position as when you
were born, right as you exit your twenties and enter
your thirties. And that's what brings. According to this theory,
so many unique shifts, breakups, lost, new career pathways, major
(02:57):
identity shifts. All these things are what we can expect
from this period. But there is, of course, as always,
a psychological explanation to the inevitability of these events that
we also need to discuss. So today I'm going to
offer this psychological breakdown and psychological perspective on the return
of Satin on this exciting chapter. What you can expect,
(03:20):
why everything suddenly changes, the developmental explanation, the scientific one,
and most importantly for those of you going through it
right now, how to make the most out of this period,
how to get through this. We're also going to talk
about the history of the concept. We're going to talk
about Roman and Greek mythology. I know so many fun
(03:41):
things and stories of people who have made it out
on the other side, plus so much more so, even
if you don't think that astrology is for you, believe me,
I'm also very skeptical. I do think that you'll be
surprised by how much of this might just apply to
your life and what you might learn. So, without further ado,
let's dive into the psychology of Saturn's return. Okay, so
(04:10):
let's get the simple stuff out of the way. What
is a Saturn return? I've kind of already given a
very light explanation, but Saturn return is basically when the
planet Saturn circles back to the same position in the
sky that it occupied the moment that you were born. Now,
because Saturn roughly takes about twenty seven to thirty years
to complete an orbit around the Sun, your satin return
(04:34):
tends to land at around twenty seven to thirty. Some
people say earlier, can happen at twenty six, It can
happen up to thirty one, depending on when you were born.
And it doesn't just happen in one moment. It's not
just like a second. It is a season. It is
a season that sometimes stretches two to three years. It
is a process of build up and fallout that kind
(04:57):
of decimates our lives in a way. But sometimes for
the best Saturn return, you don't actually just have one.
You some people could have three. Most people have about two.
Around the age of fifty eight to sixty, you experience
another one again, and then around the age of eighty
to ninety, if you're lucky enough, is when you'll experience
perhaps your final one. Each return is said to mark
(05:21):
a new kind of stage in life. The first one
is the shift into true adulthood, the second is the
shift into elder wisdom, and the third is the shift
into legacy. And a lot will change during these periods.
So we know the pop culture references to Satin returns,
but historically references to this cycle go way back to
(05:43):
ancient Roman and Greek astrology, where Satin or Cronus in
Greece wasn't just a planet, It was a god that
represented discipline, restriction, boundaries, and time itself. The god Satin
also represented agriculture, wealth, the seasons, partying, so he had
(06:04):
a lot of hats. He had a lot of hats.
But astrologically, the planet of Saturn is considered kind of
a task master planet, so a task masker planet. I
didn't know this before researching this episode basically signifies comic lessons.
It's a planet that's responsible or influences how we face
(06:25):
our limits, how we face reality, how we face the
things that we've perhaps avoided, and so, in astrology speak,
satin return all of this comes to this point whereby
you confront the structures that you've built in your twenties,
and you are tested on them, and you have to
determine whether they are truly yours or they are borrowed
from other people's expectations. And this is why our life
(06:50):
feels like it kind of falls apart, even if it's
not noticeable, things are going to change. Forew it is
a coming of age, and it's actually an opportunity to
put a positive spin on it, to create a life
that really aligns with your deeper purpose and your deeper goals.
So the modern popularization of Saturn and Saturn returns really
(07:14):
started in the twentieth century, particularly with the boom of
astrology in the nineteen sixties and seventies, when psychics, tarot cards,
fortune tellers like that industry exploded. It's definitely had a
renaissance though in the past decade, obviously due to pop culture,
but also due to social media, where people have started
(07:36):
to name this experience using this label, and it's really
validated for a lot of people, the chaos that they
have come to experience or are experiencing in their late twenties.
Maybe saturin returns is just a metaphor for the things
that we are enduring. Let's doom out a little bit.
Why are we so drawn to this explanation. Why do
(07:58):
we like explanations like this in general, of astrology, of numerology,
of cycles of fate, or the idea that life comes
in seasons, because that's what this really is. First off,
the reason that we like the idea of a satin
returns or anything of the sort is that we are
meaning making creatures when things are uncertain, like early adulthood,
(08:21):
like our twenties, having a framework can really soothe us. Frameworks,
however arbitrary, they do actually provide a psychological feeling of
safety and a narrative by which we can live. We
like patterns because they give us a sense of control.
Even if life feels terrible and scary, you can feel like, okay, well,
(08:44):
maybe this is supposed to happen right now because of
this explanation that someone is giving me, and that is
why our belief in these systems actually does tend to
increase in our twenties when we are desperate in many
ways for actual external systems and explanations for why life
is like hitting all of these ups and downs. There
(09:07):
is literally a whole field of psychology dedicated to this
idea of meaning making, and it's called narrative psychology. This
field basically says that humans identities and our understanding of
the world and the world around us like it is
constructed through stories and the stories we tell ourselves. How
(09:29):
you experience a breakup will be determined by the story
of your relationship. How you relate to your siblings is
determined by the story of your childhood. How you approach
risk is determined by stories or folks stories of what
this really means and what we need to go through
and what the stars are telling us or what the
universe is telling us. In this way, astrology is a
(09:53):
symbolic storytelling system which provides us with a really meaningful
narrative for life, whether it is real or not. Like,
I'm not going to make any statements either way, it
doesn't actually matter. It doesn't matter if it's real. It's
the comfort that it provides us. And anything that you
know is real, that comes from that or that comes
from the stars is kind of just a bonus in
(10:14):
my mind. So let's talk about what actually tends to
happen in this sad and return season, because the astrological
explanation is one thing, but there is also a very
solid psychological side to all of this, and that's where
this idea of emerging adulthood becomes important to understand. Jeffrey
(10:35):
Arnot He is a developmental psychologist. He coined the term
emerging adulthood to basically describe the period between eighteen and
twenty nine, that is for a lot of people and
in between stage where you are not a teenager anymore,
but you may not be fully settled into what most
people think of as adulthood either. Now, at this stage,
(10:58):
a few things start to happened to us because of
changing expectations, because of how our brain is developing, because
of you know, external things. Mainly, we start to feel
like we need to get more serious about this adult thing,
but also we still have a lot of unanswered questions
and things that we need to learn. And those two truths,
(11:19):
the need to know and the not knowing start to
clash against each other. Let's start with the impact of
this confusion on our relationships. For a lot of people,
relationships are at the front and center of this period
in their twenties, romantic ones especially. You will see this happening,
and I have seen this happening quite regularly. You know,
(11:41):
you might have been with someone since you were twenty two,
and by twenty eight, you know, you're realizing that a person,
this person isn't quite the same match to you as
you were when you first started dating. This is why
breakups around this stage are so common. You're kind of
at this turning point. We commit and we make this
(12:01):
for the rest of our lives, or we have this
opportunity to really have our last moment of being single
in our twenties or find someone new, and it feels
like this is the point where we have to decide.
I can think of literally four people off the top
of my head who I know who have broken up
with their partner of four plus years right before they
(12:22):
turn thirty in the past year alone. It is a
huge phenomena. Psychologists even track this theory and can track
this pattern of relationship dissolution in the late twenties, and
they suggest that many long term relationships either end or
transition into marriage during this period. And it's actually quite
(12:42):
a normal turning point for people. It's one of the
most common times and time periods when people are likely
to split up and to go their own way. So
if you have been through a really seismic, terrible life
shattering breakup at the end of your twenties or during
your satin return, it's actually not that uncommon, and it's
(13:06):
actually probably a good thing that you have made this
decision at this moment. Another really famous theory comes from
Eric Ericksson. We talk about him a lot. He's a
German American psychoanalyst, and he says that the reason this
happens is because we are moving through what we call
an intimacy versus isolation stage of development at this point
(13:29):
in time. So as we enter our late twenties, we
do start to develop a much more secure sense of
self and identity. It's something that we all look forward to.
You know, the older we get, we know ourselves more.
This newfound self awareness that is what begins to expose
fundamental incompatibilities that were maybe tolerated or overlooked. When you
(13:49):
were younger, you may have built your identity around this
partner or this person, or may have been something together.
But as you have I've found yourself more as you
have created your own independent identity. Just by aging you
realize like this person isn't for me, You need space.
(14:10):
You may ultimately need to break up as as well.
You know, the expectation to get married or settled down
becomes louder. I think you also start to have to
answer some very existential questions like do I want to
be loved this way for the rest of my life?
If this is all that love will ever be? Is
this enough? And by gollie, gosh, like you need to
(14:34):
answer that question now. And I know it creates such
a sense of impending doom and such a sense of
like literal terror, but it's required of you so that
you don't end up in these situations. We see all
the time of people in loveless marriages or with people
they really knew they weren't want to be with years
and years down the line, wishing that at twenty eight
(14:56):
they just cut their losses. To sound completely callous, it's
not just romantic relationships. Friendships shift in big ways during
this time as well. Remember how in your teens and
even early twenties, friendships were like they were inbuilt right,
You didn't really have to try. It was definitely from
a place of convenience. School roommates, shared experiences, shared hobbies,
(15:19):
You could always find someone there. As we get older,
as we move, as we take up jobs, as we
couple up, as we have kids, friendships suddenly require a
real intentional maintenance, and a lot of people will hit
the mid twenties late twenties mark having had people fall
off kind of in trickles for a while and look
(15:40):
around and be like, oh, there's no one left. I'm
deeply lonely. I had this moment myself recently, like I
feel like I talk about loneliness a lot on the podcast,
and it's been like an ongoing, you know, battle with me.
But I just had this moment where a lot of
my friends have moved overseas, if my best friends have
(16:00):
moved overseas in the last six months, and I was like, Wow,
my friendship circle and my network is a lot thinner
than it used to, and there's a lot of panic
in that. There's a lot of panic in being like
do I want it to remain this way? Or do
I want to do something try things to change that. Again,
the research consistently backs this up. For example, in a
(16:23):
meta analysis of over two hundred and seventy studies, research
has found that, on average, social networks decrease in size
as people age. The steepest decline occurs at this point
right now in young adulthood, in our late twenties early thirties.
There's a lot of circumstantial reasons for this, but basically,
(16:45):
if we think about it, our lives generally get busier
and typically like the effort that we feel we can
reasonably put into our friendships becomes a lot smaller, and
it's why you have less friends. It's why you might
find yourself being very lonely. Now, it doesn't mean that
that's like going to happen and be the way for
(17:08):
the rest of your life. I think it is again
the wake up call, do I want to live like
this for the next fifty years? Okay, we're going to
take a short break here, but when we come back,
we're going to talk family, We're going to talk career,
we're going to talk identity and also how to overcome
the tumultuous period of your satin return.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Stay with us.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
So we've talked about the changes that satin return brings
up for our relationships and for our friendships. And then
there's our family and how shifting dynamics during this period
of our life can really explode out into this very
unique kind of relationship. I think this one can kind
of sneak up on you in your early twenties. I
(17:58):
think family is like back ground noise, Like you're kind
of out in the world. You're like living your own life.
Maybe you're like calling home once in a while, like
you visit on the holidays. It's a very common thing
that around your late twenties often like the role of
your family comes rushing back to the front row and
we kind of turn around, do this orbit and rely
(18:20):
on them suddenly almost as much as that we did
when we were children for a lot of things, especially
emotionally for many of us. This is also when the
reality of like aging parents starts to land, Like you
do start to notice little things like your dad's memory
is slipping, or your mum gets tired more easily, or
you know, you have this moment where you celebrate. You
(18:41):
celebrate like a huge milestone birthday for your grandparents and
are like, huh, I don't think they have many years left.
It's also when a lot of people experience real serious loss.
Some people experience it earlier, which is heartbreaking, but I
think this is when a lot of people start to
lose parents or they start to really see serious declines
(19:03):
and their well being. That forces you to reckon not
just with like the fragility of life and of their lives,
but like, yeah, the fragility of existence and how serious
it is to take things seriously and to like really
go after what you want when time is finite. That's
a lot of again, big existential questions. All of it
(19:24):
is coming back to this questioning. This like in the
back of our mind. For some of us as well,
this is like the first time where you get a
real taste of like caregiving. Maybe you start helping with bills,
with doctor's appointments, maybe you become like a steady emotional support.
And this role reversal can feel disorientating, right. There's actually
a phrase called fhilaleal maturity? Is it filaleal fili lil?
(19:47):
I don't know how to pronounce it, you know, when
you only ever see a word written down, someone's gonna
correct me in the comments, I'm gonna go with filile
filile maturity, and it basically describes this exact stage when
like the adult child becomes the parent to their parent
and they start to really see their caregivers as whole people.
(20:11):
You know, you no longer have that like fantasy of
them being invincible, Like they have limits, they have flaws,
they need you to take care of them. It's really
really bittersweet and very difficult because you have to kind
of acknowledge that there's this new role you're entering as
this adult who may have to do this alone at
(20:32):
some stage, and who has to come to terms with
the fact that time is passing and this person might
not always be there. But family work isn't just about
your immediate family and your parents. It's also like when
we start to question, like do I want my own family,
do I want kids? You know, this is the first
(20:53):
time where you can really zone out. And I know
a lot of people like have children younger, but actually,
in this generation, I feel like we spend a lot
of our early twenties being like freedom. Yeah, like I'm
gonna be exploratory and I'm gonna just try things out,
and like I'm gonna try and not take this all
as seriously as maybe I want to or I should,
(21:14):
and I'm gonna have fun. And then it's like you
get to twenty seven and you're like, I need to
start answering some big questions and whether I want kids,
whether I'm capable of being a parent, whether I've dealt
with my family shit enough to be good in this role. Again,
it's like landing straight in your lap, along with like
(21:35):
a million other things all happening at the same time.
This is why like sat in return is often referred
to as like a cumulative process. Right, It's not just
the breakup, It's not just the friendship, you know, dissolution,
It's not just the big questions about what do I
want from my future. It's then family, It's then questions
(21:56):
about your identity and of course also Korea. Like we
cannot talk about sat in return and what it will
do to us if we do not talk about the
shifts that we will experience in our professional identity and
at work. This one is huge again. Early twenties experimentation,
(22:20):
first jobs, internships, trying things out, it's not that serious.
It might be serious, it's not necessarily permanent. Then it's
like the clock has been counting down and you're like,
oh my god, suddenly I have to make a decision.
The trial period is over. Am I going to commit
to this life or am I going to choose something else?
(22:43):
Is this what I want to do? Is this really it?
Some people pivot completely, and I have seen friends do
this and it's been marvelous to watch. They go back
to school, they start businesses, they chase creative projects. Others
just get more serious and they start to double down
and think about climate in the corporate ladder. But almost
everyone will feel this at this moment in their career,
(23:05):
of confronting feelings of feeling stuck, of needing more meaning,
of panicking about their future. There's actually a study from
the Journal of Vocational Behavior that followed people in their
late twenties around twenty eight to thirty and found that
those who felt most dissatisfied at work weren't necessarily in
bad jobs. A lot of them were making good money,
(23:27):
but it was that these jobs didn't line up with
what they were recognizing that they personally valued. In other words,
you know they cared about creativity, but they were only
doing a job that cared about efficiency. They craved purpose,
but you know their job only offered a good paycheck
and nothing else. The mismatch is where the discomfort is
coming from, and it does tend to come to a
(23:50):
head right around this age, when we are finally comparing
the life we thought we'd have with the one that
we're actually living. Part of that dissatisfaction also links to,
just like plain old geograph, environment plays a really big
role in the satin return stage. There's this like joke
that me and my friends have that everyone in Australia
turns twenty seven and moves to London because oh my god,
(24:13):
like it just seems like such a common pattern. I'm
doing it like I can't even like I am the
butt of my own joke, like I'm moving to London.
I felt like there's this big call in you at
this stage to just be like, let me see what
else is out there before I click by now on
the life that I currently have. The late twenties are
(24:34):
like a hot spot for moving both physically and psychologically,
and we're also going to see our personality shift as well.
People often quote this idea that, like the brain fully
matures at twenty five, that's actually not correct. Part of
the reason why you might be experiencing a lot of
like tumultuousness is because you know you expect to feel
(24:57):
like you have locked into this more mature, smarter thinking system,
but actually you are going to experience another rapid burst
of pruning and changes in your brain that will influence
your personality in your late twenties. In our late twenties,
a lot of us become slightly more conscientious. We tend
(25:17):
to become more responsible, more reliable, simply because we are
adapting to the increasing roles that we are facing in
our lives. But along with that comes a heavier awareness
of the limits of this change. You can't do anything,
you can't be everything, and that's where this like creeping
feeling of like premature failure can show up, this nagging
(25:40):
feeling of like I should have had it all figured out,
and how we respond to that can actually be quite irrational.
So everyone saying like you get more mature, you're able
to make more mature decisions and be more straightforward with
your life. Then there is this final burst often in
our late twenties, where we might call it an extinction burst,
(26:03):
we might call it rallying where right before we feel
like we've locked into like our new mature brain, right
before like we feel like we're going to retire this
part of our life, we revisit it one more time
and we go out with a bang. Dan McAdams he
is this researcher who studies narrative identity. He has written
(26:25):
about how around twenty nine many people have what he
calls a redemptive turning point. It's that moment when the
story you've been telling yourself for most of your twenties,
like you just so like don't want it anymore, or
you're like, if I'm going to finish this story, I'm
going to go off on a major tangent before I do.
(26:48):
A lot of people have this moment where they're like
their personality almost regresses or returns to an earlier stage
before it comes back for like its final moment. And
it's not to say that like once you turn thirty,
like you're locked down, this is who you're going to
be for the rest of your life. No, your brain
continues to develop. Your personality actually does continue to change
(27:11):
for the rest of your life. But this is just
one of those moments where like we really see like
a spike or like a differentiation in activity. So if
saturn return, your satin return feels like everything is changing,
it's good to know that this is actually just a
part of human development. I think it's very soothing to
(27:33):
see it as something that see it as a process
that you have to go through. If all of this
is sounding suspiciously like a quarter life crisis or rock bottom,
you are not wrong. The astrological definition is one thing.
This does have another name, whether we call it sat
(27:56):
in return, whether we call it a quarter life crisis,
these are actually incredibly similar, and people have done studies
where they have compared self reporting and anecdotal reporting on
these experiences side by side. They're kind of explaining like
the same thing and applying a quarter life crisis perspective
(28:18):
on our satin returns, I think gives us and gives
like allows us to have a more psychological take on it.
This isn't just a pop psychology term. Again, this is
a very real transition that if you got oneenty twenty
somethings in a room, you could literally map it. You
could map it time and time again. Where these changes
(28:41):
start to happen. Why tension in love, tension in careers,
tension in family is going to push us to change
who we are? Okay, what do we do about it?
I feel like I've gone on long enough about like
the things that you are going to experience or have experienced,
(29:03):
and perhaps why And if you're feeling totally lost and
like life is beyond repair, what is the first step
that you have to take to at least just feel
a little bit less uncomfortable in this period? What can
we do to help ourselves? Well, I'm going to give
(29:24):
you some suggestions from not really my own experience, but
from ye my own experience with like rock bottom moments
and hard moments, but also from people who have lived
to tell the tale. This is a pilgrimage, right This
is an identity pilgrimage that millions, no billions of people
(29:48):
have gone through before you. So as isolating as it
feels right now, research does show that people who actively
wrestle with their identity development and with uncertainty in their twenties,
and who confront it head on, they actually emerge with
stronger self knowledge. They emerge with greater resilience in their
(30:10):
thirties compared to people who try and ignore it or
push through in a life that they don't actually like.
So not to sound like a toxic positivity guru, but
going through this now and as intensely as you are
is ultimately a good thing and is saving you from
investing further in this life and then feeling like you're
even more responsible for it and you'd have to sacrifice
(30:33):
so much more to leave. Don't shoot me for saying that.
I know that if you're going through it right now,
like secretly, that's not something that you want to hear.
But the application and finding meaning in it all actually
is really helpful for the process. If we think back
to that narrative identity research again, we will find that
(30:53):
the story we tell ourselves about who we are and
what we're going through and why our challenges are important
actually makes a huge difference to how we approach them,
And a lot of this does come down to reframing.
It's easy to see endings, the ending of a relationship,
a job, a friendship, a city that you lived in
as a failure, but during this period, endings are often
(31:14):
just realignments or maybe even protection, whether you want to
call it the planets, God, the universe, your brain. You
need to give this period in your life a label,
and you need to acknowledge why it may be necessary
in order to have that meaning that makes it feel
(31:36):
like you couldn't have it any other way, Like you
can't see it as defeat. Anytime that you like have
a negative connotation or a negative thought about this that
feels unbearable and life changing. You're allowed to feel crap
day to day. But anytime you have a thought that's
like this is never going to get better, this is
(31:58):
completely useless. My whole life has better down for nothing. Again,
the meaning making can frame the upheaval as part of
your story. It's the chapter where you figure out who
you are. It's the chapter where you figure out what
matters to you, what life you actually want. That in
itself will make all of this feel a lot more
terrifying and more purposeful. I also want you to make
(32:20):
a promise to yourself. I am going to work through this.
I'm going to give up some control for the first
time in my life. I'm going to let myself float
through these changes and let life take me where it
wants me to go I'm not going to fight it.
This is the promise I want you to make. I'm
not going to fight it. I'm going to actually allow
myself to be surprised. It's a very stoic idea. But
(32:43):
you might not be able to make this chapter easier.
You can just allow yourself to struggle a little bit less. Also,
ask people about their own period of this in their lives.
Ask your parents, ask your older friends. Hear their stories.
Everyone who I have asked has been like, I wouldn't
be who I am today without what I went through
(33:03):
during my Satin Return or during this period of the
end of my twenties. I would go through it again
in a heartbeat. It has made me who I am.
It's like people exchanging war stories. Like it's scary, it's
also strangely comforting for people involved. Right there is this
great article from the Cut titled seven Satin Return Survival Stories.
(33:26):
I think it's behind a pay well you should still
get the free subscription or like the free seven day
trial and read it because it is these stories from
these incredible women who are on the other side there
in the mid thirties early forties, who are now have
the hindsight to reflect and give us the wisdom on
this period that you may really require. Some other advice
(33:47):
that I've gotten is to just choose one thing to
ground you and stay loyal to during this period, so
when everything else is changing, find something that's stable. Start
for a half marathon, Start a reading challenge, commit to
journaling every night. Go sober adoctor kat foster a dog.
(34:09):
Focus on being a good family member, a good volunteer,
a good community member. Start a new project. Just choose
something that is within your control to center you, kind
of like an anchor. That is going to be something
that you can come back to, this touch point that
you can always have agency around, that's going to bring
you a little bit of peace. Also write, record yourself,
(34:31):
make a private video diary. Capture this moment for yourself
in the future to really take in all the lessons
that you are learning right now. I did this when
I went through my first adult big girl breakup. I
still have the videos. It's painful to watch, but I
suggest it to anyone and everyone who was going through
something really hard. I recorded myself every single time I
(34:55):
felt down about the relationship, or I felt like crying,
or I was crying and and I kept doing that
until I didn't want to, until I didn't need to anymore.
And documenting that pain and these changes it makes it
feel like it's important and it means something. You don't
share it with anyone, like I've never shared that video. Well,
I think there's like fifty videos, to be honest, Like,
(35:16):
I've never shared those. It's kind of just for me.
And when I go back and I watch it, like
the final video is was me. I think I can't
remember whether it was like a year or two years later,
but it was really heartwarming. It was just this video
of me being like it's gonna be okay, and it
was okay, and kind of laughing in a nice way,
(35:40):
like this previous version of me who was so deep
in despair, like she did not see it getting any better,
and here I was like telling her that it did.
And I think that having that for yourself is truly powerful.
And having the vision of a fewture you of being
(36:00):
able to look back in hindsight and celebrate this period
is a lot of comfort in itself. I'm sending you
guys a lot of love. I think you just need
to have patience. You just need to have patience that
this is part of the long, messy work of being
human and of being in your twenties and your twenties,
(36:21):
you know, they just want to go out with a bang,
Like they've taught you so much. They continue to teach
you so much. They want to like get all the
lessons in before you enter this new chapter. So leave
space for that. Leave space to just like learn and
process and grieve and share, share, share what you are
going through with other people. Sometimes, like the best remedy
(36:44):
is someone else just being like, yeah, me too, and
not feeling alone. So again, good luck. I'm actually deeply
excited for you. Obviously, I'm not going through it with you,
so like I'm sure if I was in your shoes,
I would not want to. Here's someone saying that, So
I'm sorry, but I am deeply excited for you. I
(37:05):
just think so much amazing stuff is going to come
out of this that you don't even know yet. How
cool is that? If you enjoyed this episode, make sure
to leave a comment down below. Tell me when your
satin return began, was it a little bit earlier? Are
you still going through it? What are you learning during
this period? Let's share some of those stories below so
(37:26):
that hopefully people can scroll through them and be like,
oh my god, I feel so much less alone. I
want to thank our research assistant, Libby Colbert as always
for her help on this episode. She has taught me
so much about astrology as we kind of put together
yeah this topic, so I appreciate her so much for
(37:47):
all of her assistants. Make sure that you are following
us over on Instagram at that Psychology podcast to see
behind the scenes. We also have decemb Me guest month
coming up at the end of the year, so if
you want to see who was going to be on
the show, who you're going to hear from, well, you
better follow along. Our transcripts are as well, now available
(38:09):
on substack, and this episode is actually on YouTube. You've
kind of already finished it if you're listening to this,
so you might not want to go and rewatch it,
But if you want to watch future episodes of the show,
you should follow us over there The Psychology of Your
Twenties on YouTube. But until next time, stay safe, be kind,
be gentle to yourself, good luck with your satin return,
(38:29):
and we will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. I am so very excited
for today's episode because it's a little bit different from
(00:45):
our usual content. It kind of marries, I would say,
my two podcasts together in a way. If you guys
didn't know, I have another podcast called Mantra, which I
describe as like the spiritual little sister of the Psychology
of Your Twenties. We go in depth into a lot
of the stuff we talk about here, but from a
more philosophical perspective, and you know what, maybe a little
(01:09):
bit woo woo for some but I really like having
that at a depth and like the nuances of those
conversations to kind of give things a new angle. And
today we're kind of diving more into that realm and
taking a more kind of astrological spiritual take on our twenties,
but of course still with like a scientific lens to it.
(01:30):
We are talking about an idea that if you are
in your late twenties, maybe on the brink of thirty,
you have heard about before. It is the idea of
Saturn's return. So this concept of Satin returns. Firstly, so
many of you have asked me for this question. But secondly,
it's really having a moment. It comes up so much
in pop culture, especially in songs. You know, Scissors song Saturn,
(01:55):
I think it's just called Saturn, Casey Muscow's song Deeper. Well,
I know Ariana Grande has song about it on her
new album. And in each of these songs, you know,
these artists talk about this pivotal moment that they've each
uniquely experienced in which at twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine,
their lives just suddenly shocked them and kind of just
(02:16):
completely did one to eighty. It's actually a rather common
experience for people at this age to just go through
a magnificent, completely unpredictable life shift, and if you believe
the theory, it is something that actually all of us
must go through. All of us are going to have
some form of this experience. The idea of satin returns
(02:36):
comes from astrology. It basically represents an astrological event whereby satin,
the planet returns to its same position as when you
were born, right as you exit your twenties and enter
your thirties. And that's what brings. According to this theory,
so many unique shifts, breakups, lost, new career pathways, major
(02:57):
identity shifts. All these things are what we can expect
from this period. But there is, of course, as always,
a psychological explanation to the inevitability of these events that
we also need to discuss. So today I'm going to
offer this psychological breakdown and psychological perspective on the return
of Satin on this exciting chapter. What you can expect,
(03:20):
why everything suddenly changes, the developmental explanation, the scientific one,
and most importantly for those of you going through it
right now, how to make the most out of this period,
how to get through this. We're also going to talk
about the history of the concept. We're going to talk
about Roman and Greek mythology. I know so many fun
(03:41):
things and stories of people who have made it out
on the other side, plus so much more so, even
if you don't think that astrology is for you, believe me,
I'm also very skeptical. I do think that you'll be
surprised by how much of this might just apply to
your life and what you might learn. So, without further ado,
let's dive into the psychology of Saturn's return. Okay, so
(04:10):
let's get the simple stuff out of the way. What
is a Saturn return? I've kind of already given a
very light explanation, but Saturn return is basically when the
planet Saturn circles back to the same position in the
sky that it occupied the moment that you were born. Now,
because Saturn roughly takes about twenty seven to thirty years
to complete an orbit around the Sun, your satin return
(04:34):
tends to land at around twenty seven to thirty. Some
people say earlier, can happen at twenty six, It can
happen up to thirty one, depending on when you were born.
And it doesn't just happen in one moment. It's not
just like a second. It is a season. It is
a season that sometimes stretches two to three years. It
is a process of build up and fallout that kind
(04:57):
of decimates our lives in a way. But sometimes for
the best Saturn return, you don't actually just have one.
You some people could have three. Most people have about two.
Around the age of fifty eight to sixty, you experience
another one again, and then around the age of eighty
to ninety, if you're lucky enough, is when you'll experience
perhaps your final one. Each return is said to mark
(05:21):
a new kind of stage in life. The first one
is the shift into true adulthood, the second is the
shift into elder wisdom, and the third is the shift
into legacy. And a lot will change during these periods.
So we know the pop culture references to Satin returns,
but historically references to this cycle go way back to
(05:43):
ancient Roman and Greek astrology, where Satin or Cronus in
Greece wasn't just a planet, It was a god that
represented discipline, restriction, boundaries, and time itself. The god Satin
also represented agriculture, wealth, the seasons, partying, so he had
(06:04):
a lot of hats. He had a lot of hats.
But astrologically, the planet of Saturn is considered kind of
a task master planet, so a task masker planet. I
didn't know this before researching this episode basically signifies comic lessons.
It's a planet that's responsible or influences how we face
(06:25):
our limits, how we face reality, how we face the
things that we've perhaps avoided, and so, in astrology speak,
satin return all of this comes to this point whereby
you confront the structures that you've built in your twenties,
and you are tested on them, and you have to
determine whether they are truly yours or they are borrowed
from other people's expectations. And this is why our life
(06:50):
feels like it kind of falls apart, even if it's
not noticeable, things are going to change. Forew it is
a coming of age, and it's actually an opportunity to
put a positive spin on it, to create a life
that really aligns with your deeper purpose and your deeper goals.
So the modern popularization of Saturn and Saturn returns really
(07:14):
started in the twentieth century, particularly with the boom of
astrology in the nineteen sixties and seventies, when psychics, tarot cards,
fortune tellers like that industry exploded. It's definitely had a
renaissance though in the past decade, obviously due to pop culture,
but also due to social media, where people have started
(07:36):
to name this experience using this label, and it's really
validated for a lot of people, the chaos that they
have come to experience or are experiencing in their late twenties.
Maybe saturin returns is just a metaphor for the things
that we are enduring. Let's doom out a little bit.
Why are we so drawn to this explanation. Why do
(07:58):
we like explanations like this in general, of astrology, of numerology,
of cycles of fate, or the idea that life comes
in seasons, because that's what this really is. First off,
the reason that we like the idea of a satin
returns or anything of the sort is that we are
meaning making creatures when things are uncertain, like early adulthood,
(08:21):
like our twenties, having a framework can really soothe us. Frameworks,
however arbitrary, they do actually provide a psychological feeling of
safety and a narrative by which we can live. We
like patterns because they give us a sense of control.
Even if life feels terrible and scary, you can feel like, okay, well,
(08:44):
maybe this is supposed to happen right now because of
this explanation that someone is giving me, and that is
why our belief in these systems actually does tend to
increase in our twenties when we are desperate in many
ways for actual external systems and explanations for why life
is like hitting all of these ups and downs. There
(09:07):
is literally a whole field of psychology dedicated to this
idea of meaning making, and it's called narrative psychology. This
field basically says that humans identities and our understanding of
the world and the world around us like it is
constructed through stories and the stories we tell ourselves. How
(09:29):
you experience a breakup will be determined by the story
of your relationship. How you relate to your siblings is
determined by the story of your childhood. How you approach
risk is determined by stories or folks stories of what
this really means and what we need to go through
and what the stars are telling us or what the
universe is telling us. In this way, astrology is a
(09:53):
symbolic storytelling system which provides us with a really meaningful
narrative for life, whether it is real or not. Like,
I'm not going to make any statements either way, it
doesn't actually matter. It doesn't matter if it's real. It's
the comfort that it provides us. And anything that you
know is real, that comes from that or that comes
from the stars is kind of just a bonus in
(10:14):
my mind. So let's talk about what actually tends to
happen in this sad and return season, because the astrological
explanation is one thing, but there is also a very
solid psychological side to all of this, and that's where
this idea of emerging adulthood becomes important to understand. Jeffrey
(10:35):
Arnot He is a developmental psychologist. He coined the term
emerging adulthood to basically describe the period between eighteen and
twenty nine, that is for a lot of people and
in between stage where you are not a teenager anymore,
but you may not be fully settled into what most
people think of as adulthood either. Now, at this stage,
(10:58):
a few things start to happened to us because of
changing expectations, because of how our brain is developing, because
of you know, external things. Mainly, we start to feel
like we need to get more serious about this adult thing,
but also we still have a lot of unanswered questions
and things that we need to learn. And those two truths,
(11:19):
the need to know and the not knowing start to
clash against each other. Let's start with the impact of
this confusion on our relationships. For a lot of people,
relationships are at the front and center of this period
in their twenties, romantic ones especially. You will see this happening,
and I have seen this happening quite regularly. You know,
(11:41):
you might have been with someone since you were twenty two,
and by twenty eight, you know, you're realizing that a person,
this person isn't quite the same match to you as
you were when you first started dating. This is why
breakups around this stage are so common. You're kind of
at this turning point. We commit and we make this
(12:01):
for the rest of our lives, or we have this
opportunity to really have our last moment of being single
in our twenties or find someone new, and it feels
like this is the point where we have to decide.
I can think of literally four people off the top
of my head who I know who have broken up
with their partner of four plus years right before they
(12:22):
turn thirty in the past year alone. It is a
huge phenomena. Psychologists even track this theory and can track
this pattern of relationship dissolution in the late twenties, and
they suggest that many long term relationships either end or
transition into marriage during this period. And it's actually quite
(12:42):
a normal turning point for people. It's one of the
most common times and time periods when people are likely
to split up and to go their own way. So
if you have been through a really seismic, terrible life
shattering breakup at the end of your twenties or during
your satin return, it's actually not that uncommon, and it's
(13:06):
actually probably a good thing that you have made this
decision at this moment. Another really famous theory comes from
Eric Ericksson. We talk about him a lot. He's a
German American psychoanalyst, and he says that the reason this
happens is because we are moving through what we call
an intimacy versus isolation stage of development at this point
(13:29):
in time. So as we enter our late twenties, we
do start to develop a much more secure sense of
self and identity. It's something that we all look forward to.
You know, the older we get, we know ourselves more.
This newfound self awareness that is what begins to expose
fundamental incompatibilities that were maybe tolerated or overlooked. When you
(13:49):
were younger, you may have built your identity around this
partner or this person, or may have been something together.
But as you have I've found yourself more as you
have created your own independent identity. Just by aging you
realize like this person isn't for me, You need space.
(14:10):
You may ultimately need to break up as as well.
You know, the expectation to get married or settled down
becomes louder. I think you also start to have to
answer some very existential questions like do I want to
be loved this way for the rest of my life?
If this is all that love will ever be? Is
this enough? And by gollie, gosh, like you need to
(14:34):
answer that question now. And I know it creates such
a sense of impending doom and such a sense of
like literal terror, but it's required of you so that
you don't end up in these situations. We see all
the time of people in loveless marriages or with people
they really knew they weren't want to be with years
and years down the line, wishing that at twenty eight
(14:56):
they just cut their losses. To sound completely callous, it's
not just romantic relationships. Friendships shift in big ways during
this time as well. Remember how in your teens and
even early twenties, friendships were like they were inbuilt right,
You didn't really have to try. It was definitely from
a place of convenience. School roommates, shared experiences, shared hobbies,
(15:19):
You could always find someone there. As we get older,
as we move, as we take up jobs, as we
couple up, as we have kids, friendships suddenly require a
real intentional maintenance, and a lot of people will hit
the mid twenties late twenties mark having had people fall
off kind of in trickles for a while and look
(15:40):
around and be like, oh, there's no one left. I'm
deeply lonely. I had this moment myself recently, like I
feel like I talk about loneliness a lot on the podcast,
and it's been like an ongoing, you know, battle with me.
But I just had this moment where a lot of
my friends have moved overseas, if my best friends have
(16:00):
moved overseas in the last six months, and I was like, Wow,
my friendship circle and my network is a lot thinner
than it used to, and there's a lot of panic
in that. There's a lot of panic in being like
do I want it to remain this way? Or do
I want to do something try things to change that. Again,
the research consistently backs this up. For example, in a
(16:23):
meta analysis of over two hundred and seventy studies, research
has found that, on average, social networks decrease in size
as people age. The steepest decline occurs at this point
right now in young adulthood, in our late twenties early thirties.
There's a lot of circumstantial reasons for this, but basically,
(16:45):
if we think about it, our lives generally get busier
and typically like the effort that we feel we can
reasonably put into our friendships becomes a lot smaller, and
it's why you have less friends. It's why you might
find yourself being very lonely. Now, it doesn't mean that
that's like going to happen and be the way for
(17:08):
the rest of your life. I think it is again
the wake up call, do I want to live like
this for the next fifty years? Okay, we're going to
take a short break here, but when we come back,
we're going to talk family, We're going to talk career,
we're going to talk identity and also how to overcome
the tumultuous period of your satin return.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Stay with us.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
So we've talked about the changes that satin return brings
up for our relationships and for our friendships. And then
there's our family and how shifting dynamics during this period
of our life can really explode out into this very
unique kind of relationship. I think this one can kind
of sneak up on you in your early twenties. I
(17:58):
think family is like back ground noise, Like you're kind
of out in the world. You're like living your own life.
Maybe you're like calling home once in a while, like
you visit on the holidays. It's a very common thing
that around your late twenties often like the role of
your family comes rushing back to the front row and
we kind of turn around, do this orbit and rely
(18:20):
on them suddenly almost as much as that we did
when we were children for a lot of things, especially
emotionally for many of us. This is also when the
reality of like aging parents starts to land, Like you
do start to notice little things like your dad's memory
is slipping, or your mum gets tired more easily, or
you know, you have this moment where you celebrate. You
(18:41):
celebrate like a huge milestone birthday for your grandparents and
are like, huh, I don't think they have many years left.
It's also when a lot of people experience real serious loss.
Some people experience it earlier, which is heartbreaking, but I
think this is when a lot of people start to
lose parents or they start to really see serious declines
(19:03):
and their well being. That forces you to reckon not
just with like the fragility of life and of their lives,
but like, yeah, the fragility of existence and how serious
it is to take things seriously and to like really
go after what you want when time is finite. That's
a lot of again, big existential questions. All of it
(19:24):
is coming back to this questioning. This like in the
back of our mind. For some of us as well,
this is like the first time where you get a
real taste of like caregiving. Maybe you start helping with bills,
with doctor's appointments, maybe you become like a steady emotional support.
And this role reversal can feel disorientating, right. There's actually
a phrase called fhilaleal maturity? Is it filaleal fili lil?
(19:47):
I don't know how to pronounce it, you know, when
you only ever see a word written down, someone's gonna
correct me in the comments, I'm gonna go with filile
filile maturity, and it basically describes this exact stage when
like the adult child becomes the parent to their parent
and they start to really see their caregivers as whole people.
(20:11):
You know, you no longer have that like fantasy of
them being invincible, Like they have limits, they have flaws,
they need you to take care of them. It's really
really bittersweet and very difficult because you have to kind
of acknowledge that there's this new role you're entering as
this adult who may have to do this alone at
(20:32):
some stage, and who has to come to terms with
the fact that time is passing and this person might
not always be there. But family work isn't just about
your immediate family and your parents. It's also like when
we start to question, like do I want my own family,
do I want kids? You know, this is the first
(20:53):
time where you can really zone out. And I know
a lot of people like have children younger, but actually,
in this generation, I feel like we spend a lot
of our early twenties being like freedom. Yeah, like I'm
gonna be exploratory and I'm gonna just try things out,
and like I'm gonna try and not take this all
as seriously as maybe I want to or I should,
(21:14):
and I'm gonna have fun. And then it's like you
get to twenty seven and you're like, I need to
start answering some big questions and whether I want kids,
whether I'm capable of being a parent, whether I've dealt
with my family shit enough to be good in this role. Again,
it's like landing straight in your lap, along with like
(21:35):
a million other things all happening at the same time.
This is why like sat in return is often referred
to as like a cumulative process. Right, It's not just
the breakup, It's not just the friendship, you know, dissolution,
It's not just the big questions about what do I
want from my future. It's then family, It's then questions
(21:56):
about your identity and of course also Korea. Like we
cannot talk about sat in return and what it will
do to us if we do not talk about the
shifts that we will experience in our professional identity and
at work. This one is huge again. Early twenties experimentation,
(22:20):
first jobs, internships, trying things out, it's not that serious.
It might be serious, it's not necessarily permanent. Then it's
like the clock has been counting down and you're like,
oh my god, suddenly I have to make a decision.
The trial period is over. Am I going to commit
to this life or am I going to choose something else?
(22:43):
Is this what I want to do? Is this really it?
Some people pivot completely, and I have seen friends do
this and it's been marvelous to watch. They go back
to school, they start businesses, they chase creative projects. Others
just get more serious and they start to double down
and think about climate in the corporate ladder. But almost
everyone will feel this at this moment in their career,
(23:05):
of confronting feelings of feeling stuck, of needing more meaning,
of panicking about their future. There's actually a study from
the Journal of Vocational Behavior that followed people in their
late twenties around twenty eight to thirty and found that
those who felt most dissatisfied at work weren't necessarily in
bad jobs. A lot of them were making good money,
(23:27):
but it was that these jobs didn't line up with
what they were recognizing that they personally valued. In other words,
you know they cared about creativity, but they were only
doing a job that cared about efficiency. They craved purpose,
but you know their job only offered a good paycheck
and nothing else. The mismatch is where the discomfort is
coming from, and it does tend to come to a
(23:50):
head right around this age, when we are finally comparing
the life we thought we'd have with the one that
we're actually living. Part of that dissatisfaction also links to,
just like plain old geograph, environment plays a really big
role in the satin return stage. There's this like joke
that me and my friends have that everyone in Australia
turns twenty seven and moves to London because oh my god,
(24:13):
like it just seems like such a common pattern. I'm
doing it like I can't even like I am the
butt of my own joke, like I'm moving to London.
I felt like there's this big call in you at
this stage to just be like, let me see what
else is out there before I click by now on
the life that I currently have. The late twenties are
(24:34):
like a hot spot for moving both physically and psychologically,
and we're also going to see our personality shift as well.
People often quote this idea that, like the brain fully
matures at twenty five, that's actually not correct. Part of
the reason why you might be experiencing a lot of
like tumultuousness is because you know you expect to feel
(24:57):
like you have locked into this more mature, smarter thinking system,
but actually you are going to experience another rapid burst
of pruning and changes in your brain that will influence
your personality in your late twenties. In our late twenties,
a lot of us become slightly more conscientious. We tend
(25:17):
to become more responsible, more reliable, simply because we are
adapting to the increasing roles that we are facing in
our lives. But along with that comes a heavier awareness
of the limits of this change. You can't do anything,
you can't be everything, and that's where this like creeping
feeling of like premature failure can show up, this nagging
(25:40):
feeling of like I should have had it all figured out,
and how we respond to that can actually be quite irrational.
So everyone saying like you get more mature, you're able
to make more mature decisions and be more straightforward with
your life. Then there is this final burst often in
our late twenties, where we might call it an extinction burst,
(26:03):
we might call it rallying where right before we feel
like we've locked into like our new mature brain, right
before like we feel like we're going to retire this
part of our life, we revisit it one more time
and we go out with a bang. Dan McAdams he
is this researcher who studies narrative identity. He has written
(26:25):
about how around twenty nine many people have what he
calls a redemptive turning point. It's that moment when the
story you've been telling yourself for most of your twenties,
like you just so like don't want it anymore, or
you're like, if I'm going to finish this story, I'm
going to go off on a major tangent before I do.
(26:48):
A lot of people have this moment where they're like
their personality almost regresses or returns to an earlier stage
before it comes back for like its final moment. And
it's not to say that like once you turn thirty,
like you're locked down, this is who you're going to
be for the rest of your life. No, your brain
continues to develop. Your personality actually does continue to change
(27:11):
for the rest of your life. But this is just
one of those moments where like we really see like
a spike or like a differentiation in activity. So if
saturn return, your satin return feels like everything is changing,
it's good to know that this is actually just a
part of human development. I think it's very soothing to
(27:33):
see it as something that see it as a process
that you have to go through. If all of this
is sounding suspiciously like a quarter life crisis or rock bottom,
you are not wrong. The astrological definition is one thing.
This does have another name, whether we call it sat
(27:56):
in return, whether we call it a quarter life crisis,
these are actually incredibly similar, and people have done studies
where they have compared self reporting and anecdotal reporting on
these experiences side by side. They're kind of explaining like
the same thing and applying a quarter life crisis perspective
(28:18):
on our satin returns, I think gives us and gives
like allows us to have a more psychological take on it.
This isn't just a pop psychology term. Again, this is
a very real transition that if you got oneenty twenty
somethings in a room, you could literally map it. You
could map it time and time again. Where these changes
(28:41):
start to happen. Why tension in love, tension in careers,
tension in family is going to push us to change
who we are? Okay, what do we do about it?
I feel like I've gone on long enough about like
the things that you are going to experience or have experienced,
(29:03):
and perhaps why And if you're feeling totally lost and
like life is beyond repair, what is the first step
that you have to take to at least just feel
a little bit less uncomfortable in this period? What can
we do to help ourselves? Well, I'm going to give
(29:24):
you some suggestions from not really my own experience, but
from ye my own experience with like rock bottom moments
and hard moments, but also from people who have lived
to tell the tale. This is a pilgrimage, right This
is an identity pilgrimage that millions, no billions of people
(29:48):
have gone through before you. So as isolating as it
feels right now, research does show that people who actively
wrestle with their identity development and with uncertainty in their twenties,
and who confront it head on, they actually emerge with
stronger self knowledge. They emerge with greater resilience in their
(30:10):
thirties compared to people who try and ignore it or
push through in a life that they don't actually like.
So not to sound like a toxic positivity guru, but
going through this now and as intensely as you are
is ultimately a good thing and is saving you from
investing further in this life and then feeling like you're
even more responsible for it and you'd have to sacrifice
(30:33):
so much more to leave. Don't shoot me for saying that.
I know that if you're going through it right now,
like secretly, that's not something that you want to hear.
But the application and finding meaning in it all actually
is really helpful for the process. If we think back
to that narrative identity research again, we will find that
(30:53):
the story we tell ourselves about who we are and
what we're going through and why our challenges are important
actually makes a huge difference to how we approach them,
And a lot of this does come down to reframing.
It's easy to see endings, the ending of a relationship,
a job, a friendship, a city that you lived in
as a failure, but during this period, endings are often
(31:14):
just realignments or maybe even protection, whether you want to
call it the planets, God, the universe, your brain. You
need to give this period in your life a label,
and you need to acknowledge why it may be necessary
in order to have that meaning that makes it feel
(31:36):
like you couldn't have it any other way, Like you
can't see it as defeat. Anytime that you like have
a negative connotation or a negative thought about this that
feels unbearable and life changing. You're allowed to feel crap
day to day. But anytime you have a thought that's
like this is never going to get better, this is
(31:58):
completely useless. My whole life has better down for nothing. Again,
the meaning making can frame the upheaval as part of
your story. It's the chapter where you figure out who
you are. It's the chapter where you figure out what
matters to you, what life you actually want. That in
itself will make all of this feel a lot more
terrifying and more purposeful. I also want you to make
(32:20):
a promise to yourself. I am going to work through this.
I'm going to give up some control for the first
time in my life. I'm going to let myself float
through these changes and let life take me where it
wants me to go I'm not going to fight it.
This is the promise I want you to make. I'm
not going to fight it. I'm going to actually allow
myself to be surprised. It's a very stoic idea. But
(32:43):
you might not be able to make this chapter easier.
You can just allow yourself to struggle a little bit less. Also,
ask people about their own period of this in their lives.
Ask your parents, ask your older friends. Hear their stories.
Everyone who I have asked has been like, I wouldn't
be who I am today without what I went through
(33:03):
during my Satin Return or during this period of the
end of my twenties. I would go through it again
in a heartbeat. It has made me who I am.
It's like people exchanging war stories. Like it's scary, it's
also strangely comforting for people involved. Right there is this
great article from the Cut titled seven Satin Return Survival Stories.
(33:26):
I think it's behind a pay well you should still
get the free subscription or like the free seven day
trial and read it because it is these stories from
these incredible women who are on the other side there
in the mid thirties early forties, who are now have
the hindsight to reflect and give us the wisdom on
this period that you may really require. Some other advice
(33:47):
that I've gotten is to just choose one thing to
ground you and stay loyal to during this period, so
when everything else is changing, find something that's stable. Start
for a half marathon, Start a reading challenge, commit to
journaling every night. Go sober adoctor kat foster a dog.
(34:09):
Focus on being a good family member, a good volunteer,
a good community member. Start a new project. Just choose
something that is within your control to center you, kind
of like an anchor. That is going to be something
that you can come back to, this touch point that
you can always have agency around, that's going to bring
you a little bit of peace. Also write, record yourself,
(34:31):
make a private video diary. Capture this moment for yourself
in the future to really take in all the lessons
that you are learning right now. I did this when
I went through my first adult big girl breakup. I
still have the videos. It's painful to watch, but I
suggest it to anyone and everyone who was going through
something really hard. I recorded myself every single time I
(34:55):
felt down about the relationship, or I felt like crying,
or I was crying and and I kept doing that
until I didn't want to, until I didn't need to anymore.
And documenting that pain and these changes it makes it
feel like it's important and it means something. You don't
share it with anyone, like I've never shared that video. Well,
I think there's like fifty videos, to be honest, Like,
(35:16):
I've never shared those. It's kind of just for me.
And when I go back and I watch it, like
the final video is was me. I think I can't
remember whether it was like a year or two years later,
but it was really heartwarming. It was just this video
of me being like it's gonna be okay, and it
was okay, and kind of laughing in a nice way,
(35:40):
like this previous version of me who was so deep
in despair, like she did not see it getting any better,
and here I was like telling her that it did.
And I think that having that for yourself is truly powerful.
And having the vision of a fewture you of being
(36:00):
able to look back in hindsight and celebrate this period
is a lot of comfort in itself. I'm sending you
guys a lot of love. I think you just need
to have patience. You just need to have patience that
this is part of the long, messy work of being
human and of being in your twenties and your twenties,
(36:21):
you know, they just want to go out with a bang,
Like they've taught you so much. They continue to teach
you so much. They want to like get all the
lessons in before you enter this new chapter. So leave
space for that. Leave space to just like learn and
process and grieve and share, share, share what you are
going through with other people. Sometimes, like the best remedy
(36:44):
is someone else just being like, yeah, me too, and
not feeling alone. So again, good luck. I'm actually deeply
excited for you. Obviously, I'm not going through it with you,
so like I'm sure if I was in your shoes,
I would not want to. Here's someone saying that, So
I'm sorry, but I am deeply excited for you. I
(37:05):
just think so much amazing stuff is going to come
out of this that you don't even know yet. How
cool is that? If you enjoyed this episode, make sure
to leave a comment down below. Tell me when your
satin return began, was it a little bit earlier? Are
you still going through it? What are you learning during
this period? Let's share some of those stories below so
(37:26):
that hopefully people can scroll through them and be like,
oh my god, I feel so much less alone. I
want to thank our research assistant, Libby Colbert as always
for her help on this episode. She has taught me
so much about astrology as we kind of put together
yeah this topic, so I appreciate her so much for
(37:47):
all of her assistants. Make sure that you are following
us over on Instagram at that Psychology podcast to see
behind the scenes. We also have decemb Me guest month
coming up at the end of the year, so if
you want to see who was going to be on
the show, who you're going to hear from, well, you
better follow along. Our transcripts are as well, now available
(38:09):
on substack, and this episode is actually on YouTube. You've
kind of already finished it if you're listening to this,
so you might not want to go and rewatch it,
But if you want to watch future episodes of the show,
you should follow us over there The Psychology of Your
Twenties on YouTube. But until next time, stay safe, be kind,
be gentle to yourself, good luck with your satin return,
(38:29):
and we will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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