November 3, 2025 • 43 mins
It sounds simple. Split the rent, share space, maybe finally stop packing an overnight bag. But living together is one of the biggest relationship transitions of our twenties, and it brings with it some very real psychological, emotional, and even social shifts.
In this episode, we unpack the questions around living with your partner in your 20s - what it means, what it changes, and what it reveals.
We explore:
• The pros and cons of moving in together
• Why living together can feel like forming a ‘chosen family’
• The pressure of societal and family expectations to hit the next milestone
• The hidden dynamics of cohabitation
• Why fairness, communication, and space matter more than perfection
• The five questions to ask yourself before you take the leap
Whether you’re moving in with your partner, thinking about it, or reflecting on a past experience, this episode is for you.
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For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. This is
a topic that has been a long time coming, but
I've been kind of like holding off on doing it
until I had some actual lived experience on the matter.
(00:49):
And now that I can definitely say that I do,
I want to talk about what it's like living with
your partner in your twenties and whether or not you
should do it. So I've been with my partner Tom
now for three years. I feel like you guys have
been here for the entire life cycle of our relationship,
from like when I was on my dating detox to
(01:09):
when I met him afterwards. And what you may or
may not know is that we did kind of like
we had like a medium distance relationship for some time.
Where I live in Sydney, he lives in Woollongong. It's
kind of like an hour and a half two hour drive,
not really long distance, not particularly like easy to pop
over and see each other. And about a year in
(01:31):
he basically decided like, Okay, I'm going to move to
Sydney so that we can be close. And we had
this huge discussion of do we move in with each other?
Do we move in with each other after really only
being together for like a year, and we decided not to.
And I will say this, that was one of the
best decisions that we made for our relationship. I honestly
(01:54):
think it is like one of the reasons we are
so solid today because we didn't put out put the
pedal to the metal in our relationship and we really
took our time to kind of go through all the
milestones of being in a relationship and being with somebody.
And six months ago we finally decided like, okay, no,
now is the time we've been together for like two
(02:15):
and a half years, let's move in together. And we
kind of did it on our own terms. And there
was a lot of times when we were like, this
would be really convenient. We basically already see each other
every day anyways, and we didn't do it, and I
think that how we went about it has really taught
me a lot, and how we now live together has
taught me a lot about the pros and cons of
(02:37):
living with your partner in your twenties. I will say
it is amazing. It is objectively so much fun and
like just has made my life so much better. But
there are definitely things to think about when you make
this make this decision, Like you are basically guaranteeing that
either you end up together long term, end up married,
(03:01):
or any breakup is going to be like twenty times
more painful. And there is definitely an urge when you
were in the early stages of a relationship to want
to build the life together without actually really knowing who
you're dating it whilst you're still kind of in the
honeymoon period. And i'd really warn against that, And I'm
going to explain exactly why why it's sometimes really really
(03:25):
important to wait what you need to know about your
partner before you sign a lease together, before they move
into your house. And some of the biggest hurdles that
you will unfortunately and uncomfortably come across when you live
with when you live with the person that you love
more than anything else in the world. So I'm very
excited to get into this to of course break down
(03:46):
the psychology of this dynamic, to give you some I
guess unsolicited advice, But you're listening to this episode, so
it's solicited. I'm assuming without further ado, let's get into
should you live with your partner in your twenties? This
question of should I move in with my partner in
(04:07):
my twenties seems pretty simple at first. You know, you
already kind of spend every night at each other's places.
You've got a toothbrush in their bathroom, half your wardrobe
is in their closet. You love each other, you get along.
Why not just take the next step. There is something,
though about living with your partner, rather than just spending
(04:28):
time in your living environments with your partner, that will
change the whole dynamic of your relationship, whether you want
it to or not, and whether for better or for worse. Now, traditionally,
there have been I think two big schools of thought
about do you live with somebody in your twenties or
do you live with somebody before marriage? And the first
(04:48):
thought is that moving in before marriage before a ring
can somehow ruin the magic right cohabitating, It should be
left for like the sanctity of marriage. This is a
particularly religious or conservative idea, of course, It's definitely actually
become more popular in modern day as well, with people
recognizing the benefit of living a part for longer, maintaining
(05:12):
financial independence, maintaining personal independence even just like being able
to have separate lives, is actually quite healthy for relationships
that are still quite young or occurring when you are
quite young. The second school of thought is that you
should live with somebody before you get married. You should
(05:32):
live with somebody in your twenties before you really take
things to the next serious level. The argument is, you know,
how else are you going to know? How else are
you going to know that you're actually compatible in the
day to day Living with each other is like a
trial run right for the rest of your life. It's
like a way to test the waters before you sign
(05:53):
like the metaphorical lease of forever now. Marriage is also
not the end goal for everybody anymore. Some people never
want to get married, or it's not something that they're
rushing to do. So I do think we shouldn't be
thinking of this big conundrum. Do I live with my
partner in my twenties or not. We shouldn't be thinking
about it in terms of marriage, but in terms of
(06:16):
what do we stand to gain and what might I
risk by living with somebody in this formative period of
my life, based on my values, based on my future plans,
whether that's marriage or not, based on my current lifestyle.
What do I gain? What might I lose? Let's start
with what you can gain. What are some of the
pros of living with somebody in your twenties. The biggest
(06:39):
pro is, honestly that it's so much fun. Like you
can't put a number on how enjoyable it is if
you've moved in with the right person to just like
go to bed every night and just laugh and giggle
and it's just marvelous. Everything that's like mundane normally grocery shopping,
your commute, cooking dinner becomes like so much more fun.
(07:01):
It just is genuinely a dream. I think. Financially and logistically,
it can also make a lot of sense, right the
cost of living, especially in our twenties, when you might
still be figuring out your career, you're paying off student loans.
Let's just not hid ourselves. The global economic climate is
not amazing. It can be really brutal. I live in Sydney.
(07:24):
I live in the second most expensive city in the world.
I have heard from friends in London and New York,
also very expensive cities, that finances are a major factor
in determining when people move in with their partners. In fact,
people move in a lot quicker just to get that
like economic and financial relief, you know, is rising groceries
(07:47):
cost a small fortune. Moving in together is a practical solution.
I saw this twenty twenty three survey online done in
the US that found that fifty four percent, so just
over half of cohabitating couples say that finances are a
major reason they move in together. Honestly, it's not a
(08:07):
bad reason as long as it is not the only reason. Now,
there is this very famous study about sliding versus deciding
in a relationship that I think really convinces me that
money cannot be the only reason you choose to live
with somebody. This paper basically says this theory basically says
(08:28):
that when couples make major relationship transitions, they do one
of two things. They either slide, meaning they gradually and
often unconsciously increase commitment without explicit discussion or intention. So
they move in together just because it is right and
convenient and because it just seems like the basic next
(08:51):
step versus they decide, meaning they make a clear, mutual,
deliberate choice to deepen commitment. They have conversations about it. Yes,
they're still considering practical factors that may slide the decision,
but they are in a rational, deliberate mind about the choice.
So the authors of this study found that those who
(09:14):
slide into big transitions often end up a lot less happy,
and they are much more likely to break up, largely
because they never clarified expectations. They never were really aligned beforehand.
They never may have discussed important things that you need
to know about somebody before you live with them. They
(09:34):
just saw it as the easy, available next step, and
that ambiguity it can lead to asymmetric commitment. You know,
because the biggest factor is convenience. You don't really know
how in somebody is because of their actual love for you,
and how in they are because of practicality. Yes, living
(09:55):
with your partner can help you save money, but living
with somebody out of financialness necessity rather than emotional readiness
adds a lot of pressure to a relationship very very quickly.
So that's just something to consider. But finances still a pro.
The third pro. The third thing you stand to gain
is that it's incredibly convenient. You say, I cannot begin
(10:18):
to amount of time that me and Tom save not
having to commute to each other's houses between, you know,
basically two different major cities every weekend or every day
is incredible. And I think especially for him, when we
were doing that kind of like medium distance relationship, he
(10:42):
you know, it may have looked like he was living
in Wollongong. It may have looked like he was living
at my house. He was living out of his car,
like let's be completely really real about it, like he
had everything he needed, Like he could have moved into
his car because all of his stuff was in there.
Because of this back and forth, I think it's not
just that it's physically convenient. It will also bring you
(11:03):
together emotionally, and I consider this a pro. I think
it really tests the strength of your emotional bond. You know,
it is one thing to love somebody when they are
all dressed up and you're out for dinner and everybody's
on their best behavior. It's another thing to love them
when they're really stressed, really tired, really grumpy because somebody
(11:27):
left the dishes in the sink, really angry, all those
different things. Think cohabitation gives you a front row seat
to who your partner really is. Again, that's a pro
for me. Ideally you should have seen some of these
things before you made the decision. Sometimes you don't. I personally,
(11:49):
I really think that you shouldn't move in with somebody
during your honeymoon period. That's just my kind of That's
just my opinion because in that first like twelve to
eighteen months of a relationship, when you are just like
madly in love, there is nothing wrong with this person.
You cannot see past the bad stuff to the more
messy things. And I think that when you move in
(12:09):
with somebody during that phase, it makes it so much
harder to really like adjust when those things eventually come out.
So I think, yes, living with somebody gives you a
front row seat to those things. You also hopefully should
have seen it before, you know, back to that previous point.
That's why people call living together like the relationship accelerator.
(12:33):
Everything is sped up the connection. But also the conflict,
the communication, the hobbies you share, the relationship you have.
You can learn in six months of living with somebody
what it may have taken two to three years to
learn about them. So you just need to know you're
ready for that kind of shock of either you know,
loving somebody even deeper because of that, or being a
(12:54):
little bit scared off. I will say you're probably like,
why is this on the prose list? I think as
on the pros list because you know this is going
to sound cynical, but eventually you're going to learn about
these things right and living together means you learn about
them quicker, and if they are really big deal breakers,
like it does save you a lot of time, and
(13:17):
I think that think of that as a pro and
then you know, if it does work out and you
determine that you are really compatible, then you just get
to know somebody even more intimately. So either way, like
I do, think that you know somebody better, and whether
you know that they're not right for you or know
that they are right for you, that is still a huge,
(13:38):
huge win. I think a big reason why it is
so emotionally intimate as well, just to like further hone
in on this point is because this is the first
person since your family to see you at this level
of like intimate proximity. When you live alone, when you
live with friends, there's still a degree of performance, even
(14:00):
if it's small. You know, you do still try to
be more tidy and try to be a more functional
adult version of yourself. But living with your partner, I
think removes that layer, like they do truly see everything.
In a lot of ways, cohabitation feels very familiar. This
is what I found. I feel like the first time
(14:21):
I've done it, but it just feels like I've done
it before because it mirrors that deep domestic intimacy that
you have with your family, the sharing of space, the
sharing of chores, the sharing of life, of the background
noise of day to day. This time, though, I think
it's like a beautiful thing that you are. You're getting
(14:43):
to choose your family. You're choosing the person you want
to move in with. You're choosing your partner rather than
just being in the family that you're born into. It will, though, somebody,
something that I don't see people talk about a lot,
is when you move in with somebody, you will experience
this thing called family re enact. Basically, all of us
(15:03):
carry emotional patterns that we've learned from early on, from
across our lives, emotional patterns to do with affection, to
do with conflict, responsibility, communication, and when you are with
your partner and there is that same level of intimacy
as you had with your family, this stuff is going
to come out and it might shock you. It might
(15:24):
honestly terrify you to be like, Wait, I'm in this
big adult relationship and suddenly I'm acting like a child again.
Why does that happen? Because I know that's a pretty
common experience where you kind of feel like you're reversing
in maturity. Where we're going to talk about all of that,
as well as some other complexities of living with somebody
after this short break. So you move in with your partner,
(15:52):
you're feeling super grown up, and then you find yourself regressing.
Why is that? There's a really key psychoanalytic theory you
should know called object relations theory that explains this really well.
The theory was developed in psychoanalytics psychology by Melanie Klein
and Donald Winnicott, and they basically suggest that our earliest
(16:15):
relationships i e. Those with our parents or caregivers become
internalized as objects, and by that I don't mean physical objects,
but emotional templates. These internal objects or templates represent how
we learned to relate to love, relate to care, safety,
(16:36):
and dependence. For example, if your primary caregiver was warm
and reliable, your internal template or object is one that
tells you that intimacy feels safe, that love can be trusted.
But if your caregiver was inconsistent, was critical, love was conditional,
you carry around an internal template that says love is unstable,
(16:58):
love has to be earned. Fast forward to your twenties
and suddenly you know you're living with your partner, the
person who was closest to you since those original caregivers,
those internalized dynamics will reappear. This is where this concept
of transference comes in. This is the process whereby we
project old feelings and expectations from our early relationships onto
(17:22):
our current ones, especially during times when things feel a
bit unstable or new, like when you move in with somebody.
It's fun, it's also stressful. Transference makes cohabitation so emotionally
rich because you're sharing internal worlds. You're sharing emotional histories.
(17:44):
There's just the nature of the environment and the closeness
that you are having is going to feel reminiscent of
previous times you felt this close to people, and those
reactive or reactionary patterns will often be the same. Now,
the thing is, this is not always a bad thing.
Sometimes it's actually an opportunity to rewrite previous models, previous
(18:10):
templates of how you relate to people. You know. Unlike
your family dynamic, this relationship is chosen. You're not a
kid anymore. You have self awareness, you have hopefully a
quality you can communicate, and you can actually address issues
that come up in a way that your childhood self
couldn't and say, hey, you know, when you get quiet
(18:31):
during arguments, it reminds me of how silence feil to
my house. I don't want to do that anymore. Can
we talk about this differently? I need you to be
or to make more time for me, because otherwise I
feel my abandonment wound really firing up. And that's how
transference really can turn into deep emotional transformation. If you
(18:52):
are with the right person and you're living together, you
get to rewrite the emotional scripts you were handed. You
create you templates for what love and safety and care
can feel like. And I count that as a huge
pro I think a lot of my cons are also pros.
Right when else do you have the opportunity, And it
(19:12):
truly is an opportunity to rewire your primal childhood wounds.
So just to give a little rundown pros convenience financial
makes financial sense. Now, the pro of living together is
it's just a lot of fun. It also challenges your
(19:33):
emotional bond and it really tells you whether you should
shouldn't be with somebody you know. Obviously that might end
in a breakup. That's not necessarily a bad thing if
it saves you a lot of time. So with that
in mind, let's switch gears. Let's talk about the harder parts,
the things you should definitely be aware of before choosing
(19:53):
to live with somebody in your twenties. Now. One of
the biggest drawbacks, and it's going to be ironic that
I mentioned this, considering what I just said, is that
any future breakup is going to be a lot more complicated.
Not that it isn't going to be right, It's just
going to be complicated. And no matter how in love
you are, how strong, the first few months of living
(20:15):
together are how strong you guys are as a couple.
Before you move in, you are going to have moments
where you fight and you argue and you feel like,
you know, what are we doing? Like can we work
through this? It's just totally normal for couples to go
through that. And maybe the answer you come to is no.
(20:36):
When you live separately and you break up, you don't
have kids, you don't have shared furniture, you don't have
a pet, you can just leave, you cry, you unfollow,
you heal. Your space is not their space. When you
live together, there's a lease, there's shared furniture, there's the
shared pet, there's a shared life, there's shared bank accounts.
Maybe these logistics alone can turn an emotion hard breakup
(21:02):
into a logistical nightmare. This has happened to a few
friends of mine and it was honestly really hard to
see them go through it. I know it was for
the best, but you know at times, like one of
my friends had to continue living in an apartment with
somebody who cheated on her and the guy was in
a new relationship because they had this lease and she
(21:22):
couldn't afford to break it. Like that is tough, or
the alternative is you ignore red flags to avoid the
complications of a breakup because mentally, now that you live together,
you think it's going to be way too difficult. There
is a term for this in psychology. It's called relationship inertia.
(21:43):
It describes how living together can actually make people stay
in relationships longer than they would have otherwise, simply because
it's harder to leave. The thought of moving out, the
thought of dividing belongings, of finding a new place. It
can all make staying just seem a lot easier, even
if you're unhappy. And then where does that leave you
(22:06):
in a relationship you don't want to be in, or
because you made a decision maybe a little bit too early.
We're going to return to the role of finances here
as well. It comes up yet again. I feel like
money is both the biggest pro and the biggest con.
Sharing rent and bills seems like it's going to be straightforward,
it's going to save you money. It does actually introduce
(22:27):
a layer of dependency that can be really tricky to navigate.
What happens if one of you loses a job, What
if you earn significantly different amounts do you split everything
fifty to fifty or do you split it proportionally? What
if you buy a property, You know, that's a whole
other legal layer. Money, as we know from research conducted
(22:48):
in twenty fourteen, is the biggest source of relationship conflict,
and cohabitation brings that right to the surface. It's also,
as that previous study said, one of the biggest reasons
people move in together. I actually saw a recent Vice
article aptly titled Till Debt Do Us Part which talked
about this, and one of the surveys they discussed found
(23:10):
that nearly one in four Americans in a relationship would
leave if they knew they could get out without going broke.
That is a quarter of the people they spoke to.
A quarter of people were like, I actually don't want
to be in this relationship. Money is what's keeping me here.
And this is what the financial state of so many
countries is encouraging. It's economic codependence that means people are
(23:34):
staying in relationships way longer than they should. And of
course that doesn't mean living together dooms you to inertia
or dooms you to financial codependency. You just have to
be extra aware of your motivations. And I do also
think that it's wise to still have your own bank account,
to still have some of your own money. You know,
(23:56):
you might trust this person with your life. People still
make stupid mistakes. Things do still happen. It's not about
having one foot out the door. It's just about being
prepared for what life throws at you in the most
rational and best possible way. Another practical con of moving
in together is you do lose a lot of personal space,
(24:17):
and you just got to assess whether that's something you're
willing to lose. You know, if you've ever lived alone,
it's the best. I love living alone. You get to
walk around in silence, you get to make as much
or as little of a mess as possible. Your room
and your house always gets to feel the way you
want it to feel. You're in charge of the furniture,
(24:37):
you're in charge of what's on the TV. When you
live with somebody else, that solitude and the freedom of
that solitude does drastically shrink. You know, suddenly your downtime
is shared time. Your home, the place that you used
to retreat to, does become a shared environment. And yes,
in an ideal world, you choose to be in a
(24:58):
relationship where you can be your wacky, wonderful, weird self
in front of them comfortably. But regardless of that, you
still do need personal time to function. One estimate I
found suggests that the perfect race for a relationship is
seventy percent of time together thirty percent of time alone.
That's the maximum level that people can handle. So what
(25:20):
I mean by is like, if it went any higher
than that, that's when a relationship does deeply suffer or
does become hyper dependent. You just need to be able
to recognize yourself as an individual. That's really what it
means to be functioning in this relationship and out of it,
having enough time to know who you are outside of
the balance of who this person is to you. I
(25:42):
think what works for me and Tom is that I
work from home all day, so I spend a lot
of time by myself whilst he is obviously at work
and he has coworkers, And then when he gets home,
I'll be out and we kind of switch shifts where
he has his alone time, and that works really well
for us. That you know, our evenings and our days
(26:05):
on the week are kind of a little bit separate,
Like obviously we still see each other when one of
us gets home, and we still go to the gym
together and all that stuff. But then on weekends is
when we have our quality time. Right. We always take Tarloo,
our dog, on like a big adventure, you know it's
her weekend too, and then we like do a big
grocery shop, we go for a big run, we do
(26:26):
a date night. It's the best that works for us
because I need a lot more alone time than he does.
My work situation. His work situation allows that he's in
the office full time. I'm at home full time. But
it's all about just managing expectations and making sure that
they're aligned with that in mind. Let's talk about expectations
(26:47):
for a second here. Living together will raise your expectations
for your partner. This person is no longer you're like
weekend fun. This is your partner as in like needs
to be by your side, should be by your side,
has to support you through good and bad. Your expectations
for them obviously increase, and when those expectations aren't met,
(27:09):
resentment will grow in their place resentment. As we know
from Relationship Institute's relationship researchers like the Gotman institute is
like a huge poison for a relationship. If you resent
the other person without communicating it, like, your relationship isn't
going to last. And the first few months are usually
(27:29):
the hardest when you are adjusting to each other's rhythms,
you are adjusting to each other's routines and emotional lives.
Conflict is going to increase in this time. I'm just
gonna let you know that before you move in together,
before you sign the lease, like, you are going to
(27:50):
fight probably the most in your relationship than you ever
have in the first like six months that you live together.
It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. It's
an adjustment thing. Just make sure you get to a
solid ground with each other around what your expectations are
now and what you maybe do and don't need from
the relationship or from the future real relationship to remain
(28:14):
happy in this new chapter that you're sharing. So with
all that in mind, I want to talk about the
five things you need to be super clear on before
living with somebody in your twenties. The first one is money,
So number one, you need to understand finances, and I
have five things that you need to agree on or
sit down with each other and talk about before you
(28:37):
sign the lease, how is rank going to be split?
I literally want you to get a piece of pen
and paper and write this down like you're writing down
a contract. How is rant going to be split? Are
you going to have shared accounts? Who is responsible for
managing and paying bills? And when and which? And does
that change? What will you buy together and what will
you buy separately? So like groceries, maybe one of you
(29:00):
really expensive haircare products. Maybe one of you wants to
has a car that the other person uses. Like what
are you going to pay for separately and together? What
is your plan if one of you loses your income
or loses your job. These are pretty drag questions, super dry,
but super important to iron out. And literally I want
you to write this down and put it in your
(29:21):
cutlery drawer for future reference to come back to next.
Chores and domestic labor, something seemingly as small as who
does the dishes is very symbolically loaded, and the research
is full of studies that demonstrate this. The unequal division
of household work is a significant predictor of relationship breakdown.
(29:44):
I think chores are like a microcosm of the relationship,
they're super small. Within them, big themes get represented. How
do we share responsibility, how do we respect each other's time,
how do we express care? And here's the uncomfortable truth
about it. You know, in heterosexual relationships in particular, even
(30:06):
amongst progressive modern couples, the household load will still tend
to fall heavily on women. Multiple studies, including research from
the Pew Research Center from the University of Michigan, they
found that women in cohabitating or married relationships still perform
a disproportionate share of domestic labor, even when they work
(30:29):
more hours at their actual jobs, even when both partners
work full time. Sociologists call this they actually have a
name for it, the second shift. It's a term coined
by Ali Hotschild to describe how women often work a
full day professionally and they come back and work a
second job of managing the household. And it's not always intentional,
(30:52):
it's not malicious, it's just deeply ingrained social conditioning. Women
are often raised to notice domestic needs, to anticipate when
the laundry is piling up, when the bathroom needs scrubbing,
when the fridge is empty. You know, I feel so
lucky that And I'm not trying to brag. I know
how this is going to come off. But like my
(31:12):
boyfriend does all that stuff. In fact, I think it's
unequal for him, which is a win for feminism. But
I also know I pay more of the household expenses,
so we've just found something that works for us. And
I also think that for me, like I take on
more of the thinking about our lives, he does more
of the physical labor when it comes all the physical
(31:34):
chores when it comes to our lives. This brings me
to the next point, the mental load, the invisible labor
of remembering, planning, anticipating. Even in relationships where both partners
are trying to be fair, when it comes to chores,
it's not just about tasks, it's about who keeps track
of them. I feel like this is something a lot
(31:56):
of men don't realize, Like women don't want to have
to ask you to do something. You doing something because
she asked is not as good as you doing something
because you anticipated that it needed to be done. So
when you move in together, it's really worth having a conversation.
What does equal actually mean? What does mental load and
(32:19):
the mental energy required for the upkeep of a home.
Actually mean, who's going to take that on. How are
we going to have conversations around when things may fall
off from being equal, because they will, like people get
more busy at work, people travel. I just you need
to know who is responsible for those conversations and who
is responsible for those activities. The good news this is
(32:41):
one of the easiest things to get right. If you're
conscious about it. You can very easily create systems that
distribute work and mental load, that alternate responsibilities if you
talk about it openly, and if you know you're with
somebody who is going to be willing to meet you
in the middle, meet you halfway. Okay, we're going to
take another quick break, but when we return, let's talk
(33:02):
about the two final things you should have ironed out
before moving in with somebody, and some final tips for
keeping the love flowing. So stay with us. So we've
talked about mental load, we've talked about money. The next
important thing to consider is what happens when you need
(33:22):
alone time. Just because you live together doesn't mean you
have to spend every second and every moment together. I
think the healthiest thing you can do is maintain a
sense of individuality. It's very easy to slip into social
dependency emotional dependency because your partner is right there. Independence
(33:43):
is what keeps the relationship fresh. I really think it's
important before you move in with each other to make
sure that your personal lives and your individual lives are
just as full and just as fruitful as the life
you share together. You have hobbies, you have friends outside
of the relationship, or you're committed to making your friends
(34:04):
outside of the relationship. It's maybe it's just not something
you have to think about, but if you do, and
if you have any doubts about that, I think give
it some time so that you have independent lives before
you merge them. I also think it's really important on
the flip side, to schedule like dates in with each other.
Even if you live with each other, you need to
(34:25):
have like a little ritual for your relationship. I think
couples who keep dating each other tend to have the
longest and healthiest relationships because it's no longer passive. They're
not just like a roommate. There are somebody that you're
actively still falling in love with. So make sure you
schedule the solo dates. Schedule the solo nights. Also schedule
the couple time and the couple dates to make it special.
(34:47):
And finally, the final thing you should have ironed out
of our five things is what is the protocol on guests.
You don't want to feel like you're tiptoeing around your
house when your partner's friends are around. You don't want
to feel like you have to tell them no when
they're family visits that you know they can't stay in
your spare bedroom. Having mismatched comfort levels around these things
(35:08):
is normal. It's also going to create tension and it's
going to cause you to turn against each other. Have
those conversations early, Have them intentionally, because when you move
in with somebody like you are merging emotional, internal, psychological lives.
This place is also their place as much as it
is yours, and of course you want them to respect
(35:29):
your wishes. But if there is this huge mismatch, it's
probably worth just getting to the bottom of before you
sign the lease. I also think it's a great mark
of respect if you're both really considered in these kinds
of decisions. It's not the end of the world to
change your mind about these things, and not the end
(35:50):
of the world to have moments where somebody doesn't maybe
necessarily think about the other person's feelings as clearly as
they should. It's okay to have moments of being really
annoyed and frustrating. You are on the same team though
you are partners before you are roommates. Just continue to
(36:10):
revise and continue to talk about it. So before we
wrap up, I want to give you some final questions
to ask yourself before making the biggest, best, greatest decision
of moving in with somebody. Answer these in your head,
use them as journal prompts whatever you need to do.
Maybe you can even talk about them with your partner.
Whatever you want. Just have these in the back of
(36:32):
your mind. I think they will reveal whether this is
the right decision or not. Number one, why do you
want to move in? Are you sliding or are you deciding?
Is it because it feels right emotionally or convenient financially?
Neither is necessarily wrong, but just be clear on your intentions. Second,
(36:54):
how do you typically individually handle conflict and is there
something that you could be doing or thinking about that
could help you handle that better? Third, do you feel
emotionally and physically safe with this person? You know you
are going to see each other at your very very
best and you're very very worst. Safety, whether it's emotional, psychological, physical,
(37:17):
is a non negotiable. Is this person going to help
you grow through hard times? And do you feel like
you can trust them? Fourth are you on the same
page about the future, not necessarily about marriage, but just
about the future in general, what this move means for
your relationship. I don't know if anybody else has been watching.
(37:38):
Nobody wants this, but I feel like there is I
don't want to do spoilers. There is a specific scene
in the latest season where they well I'm going to
spoil it, where they talk about moving in with each other,
and I just feel like the way they go about
it is quite well. One of them is quite mature
and like the Rabbi is quite mature, and Kristen's belt
(38:00):
Bell's character like isn't. But I really agreed with him
where he was like, I don't know if we have
a future together. If you have doubts about it. It's
not saying you have to know, you don't have to
have a ring, but if you can see there is
a genuine fundamental incompatibility that you just keep sweeping under
the rug. Maybe don't do it. Maybe that is an
incompatibility that you work through that someone changes their mind about.
(38:23):
But just be sure that this is something that's going
to go into benefit and level up your relationship, and
that the relationship has a future in general. Number five,
Are you ready to share your space in this way?
Love is one thing, living together as another. You can
adore somebody and still realize you're not quite ready to
merge your worlds. It's okay to wait. I feel like
(38:46):
me and Tom had this discussion where we were like,
I'm sure we could do it, but would this give
us the best chances of enjoying it when we like
moving in with each other this early on. Probably not.
We're not ready to share space, We're not ready to
share our lives yet. In this way, we are going
to wait. And it was a great decision and a
bonus question. Do you feel stable enough in yourself to
(39:10):
make this choice now? Obviously circumstances change. Maybe you're getting
kicked out of your apartment, maybe you're super broke and
you don't feel that stable in your life, But ideally
you should feel like there is not too much chaos
going on there is not too much chaos that is
directly impacting this decision. This is a decision I am
(39:33):
deciding on rather than siding into. To give yourself the
best chances that this relationship is going to work. You
obviously really love this person, You really care about this person.
Know yourself. If you have a tendency to rush into things,
to self sabotage, to get really excited. If this person
is your forever person, you will get there eventually. You
will move in with them eventually. If you feel like
(39:55):
your life is not stable enough for you to make
a rational choice about it, just hold off, hold off
a little bit. I think at its best, like living
with your partner in your twenties is really fun and
it's really beautiful, and you really get to know each
other more, and it's convenient and it makes financial sense.
You do close a chapter of your life that you
(40:18):
have to feel ready to close. Like I will say
I again, I keep saying this. I love living with Tom.
There was definitely a part of me that mourned the
fact that unless something really bad happens that I would
obviously want to avoid, like one of us dies or
we break up, like I'm going to be sharing a
bed with this man for hopefully the rest of my life.
(40:40):
That makes me feel excited. I'm happy about that. There
is definitely a part of me that did moren you know,
living alone and did more the independence of being single
and the independence of just being alone in my space
and just getting to live and operate every single day
without having to think about somebody else. It is like
(41:04):
there is obviously, like an equation that is inherent in this.
You do have to give up something to gain something.
Are you ready to give that up? Have you learned
what you needed to learn from your alone time, from
your living alone time, from your even like your single
era time. Obviously you're not single if like you've been
dating them for a while, but like, I don't know
(41:25):
what the word for it is alone time? Okay, we'll
go with that. With your alone time, You're okay, I'm
going to stop trying to find the right word. You're
alone time is what I mean. Just be really, really
cognizant of it. You know, you don't want to feel suffocated.
You don't want to feel like you rushed into this
prematurely and then you have to go back and you
have to explain things, and you know it's gonna get messy.
(41:46):
I just think the longer you wait, especially the longer
you outweit the honeymoon period, the better it's gonna be.
So as for the question, should you move in with
your partner in your twenties, I don't know, and there's
no universal answer, but I just think can diser those points,
consider those questions, consider the pros and cons, and if
you stand to gain more than you stand to lose,
(42:06):
which I don't think you will lose all too much,
absolutely you should do it and have the best time
at aikea, have the best time painting, have the best
time going house hunting, like it's so much fun, it's
so enjoyable, and I'm excited for you and for your
next chapter. If you made it this far in the episode,
if you made it all the way to the end,
leave a little house emoji down below. Thanks for being
(42:30):
a loyal listener. Thanks for making it to the conclusion
of this episode. I want to thank our researcher Libby
Colbert for her help on this episode and her contributions.
If you want to make an episode suggestion, if you
want to tell me about your experience moving in with somebody,
whether it was good bad, what your tips are? Send
(42:51):
me a DM on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and
make sure you're following us over there as well. Make
sure you are following us wherever you are listening, and please,
if you could kindly give us a five star review,
it really helps the show to grow and reach new people,
whether you're listening on Apple, on Spotify, on the iHeartRadio app,
I would greatly appreciate it. But until next time, thanks
(43:13):
again for tuning in, Stay safe, be kind, be gentle
to yourself. Good luck with the potential move in, and
we will talk there very soon
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. This is
a topic that has been a long time coming, but
I've been kind of like holding off on doing it
until I had some actual lived experience on the matter.
(00:49):
And now that I can definitely say that I do,
I want to talk about what it's like living with
your partner in your twenties and whether or not you
should do it. So I've been with my partner Tom
now for three years. I feel like you guys have
been here for the entire life cycle of our relationship,
from like when I was on my dating detox to
(01:09):
when I met him afterwards. And what you may or
may not know is that we did kind of like
we had like a medium distance relationship for some time.
Where I live in Sydney, he lives in Woollongong. It's
kind of like an hour and a half two hour drive,
not really long distance, not particularly like easy to pop
over and see each other. And about a year in
(01:31):
he basically decided like, Okay, I'm going to move to
Sydney so that we can be close. And we had
this huge discussion of do we move in with each other?
Do we move in with each other after really only
being together for like a year, and we decided not to.
And I will say this, that was one of the
best decisions that we made for our relationship. I honestly
(01:54):
think it is like one of the reasons we are
so solid today because we didn't put out put the
pedal to the metal in our relationship and we really
took our time to kind of go through all the
milestones of being in a relationship and being with somebody.
And six months ago we finally decided like, okay, no,
now is the time we've been together for like two
(02:15):
and a half years, let's move in together. And we
kind of did it on our own terms. And there
was a lot of times when we were like, this
would be really convenient. We basically already see each other
every day anyways, and we didn't do it, and I
think that how we went about it has really taught
me a lot, and how we now live together has
taught me a lot about the pros and cons of
(02:37):
living with your partner in your twenties. I will say
it is amazing. It is objectively so much fun and
like just has made my life so much better. But
there are definitely things to think about when you make
this make this decision, Like you are basically guaranteeing that
either you end up together long term, end up married,
(03:01):
or any breakup is going to be like twenty times
more painful. And there is definitely an urge when you
were in the early stages of a relationship to want
to build the life together without actually really knowing who
you're dating it whilst you're still kind of in the
honeymoon period. And i'd really warn against that, And I'm
going to explain exactly why why it's sometimes really really
(03:25):
important to wait what you need to know about your
partner before you sign a lease together, before they move
into your house. And some of the biggest hurdles that
you will unfortunately and uncomfortably come across when you live
with when you live with the person that you love
more than anything else in the world. So I'm very
excited to get into this to of course break down
(03:46):
the psychology of this dynamic, to give you some I
guess unsolicited advice, But you're listening to this episode, so
it's solicited. I'm assuming without further ado, let's get into
should you live with your partner in your twenties? This
question of should I move in with my partner in
(04:07):
my twenties seems pretty simple at first. You know, you
already kind of spend every night at each other's places.
You've got a toothbrush in their bathroom, half your wardrobe
is in their closet. You love each other, you get along.
Why not just take the next step. There is something,
though about living with your partner, rather than just spending
(04:28):
time in your living environments with your partner, that will
change the whole dynamic of your relationship, whether you want
it to or not, and whether for better or for worse. Now, traditionally,
there have been I think two big schools of thought
about do you live with somebody in your twenties or
do you live with somebody before marriage? And the first
(04:48):
thought is that moving in before marriage before a ring
can somehow ruin the magic right cohabitating, It should be
left for like the sanctity of marriage. This is a
particularly religious or conservative idea, of course, It's definitely actually
become more popular in modern day as well, with people
recognizing the benefit of living a part for longer, maintaining
(05:12):
financial independence, maintaining personal independence even just like being able
to have separate lives, is actually quite healthy for relationships
that are still quite young or occurring when you are
quite young. The second school of thought is that you
should live with somebody before you get married. You should
(05:32):
live with somebody in your twenties before you really take
things to the next serious level. The argument is, you know,
how else are you going to know? How else are
you going to know that you're actually compatible in the
day to day Living with each other is like a
trial run right for the rest of your life. It's
like a way to test the waters before you sign
(05:53):
like the metaphorical lease of forever now. Marriage is also
not the end goal for everybody anymore. Some people never
want to get married, or it's not something that they're
rushing to do. So I do think we shouldn't be
thinking of this big conundrum. Do I live with my
partner in my twenties or not. We shouldn't be thinking
about it in terms of marriage, but in terms of
(06:16):
what do we stand to gain and what might I
risk by living with somebody in this formative period of
my life, based on my values, based on my future plans,
whether that's marriage or not, based on my current lifestyle.
What do I gain? What might I lose? Let's start
with what you can gain. What are some of the
pros of living with somebody in your twenties. The biggest
(06:39):
pro is, honestly that it's so much fun. Like you
can't put a number on how enjoyable it is if
you've moved in with the right person to just like
go to bed every night and just laugh and giggle
and it's just marvelous. Everything that's like mundane normally grocery shopping,
your commute, cooking dinner becomes like so much more fun.
(07:01):
It just is genuinely a dream. I think. Financially and logistically,
it can also make a lot of sense, right the
cost of living, especially in our twenties, when you might
still be figuring out your career, you're paying off student loans.
Let's just not hid ourselves. The global economic climate is
not amazing. It can be really brutal. I live in Sydney.
(07:24):
I live in the second most expensive city in the world.
I have heard from friends in London and New York,
also very expensive cities, that finances are a major factor
in determining when people move in with their partners. In fact,
people move in a lot quicker just to get that
like economic and financial relief, you know, is rising groceries
(07:47):
cost a small fortune. Moving in together is a practical solution.
I saw this twenty twenty three survey online done in
the US that found that fifty four percent, so just
over half of cohabitating couples say that finances are a
major reason they move in together. Honestly, it's not a
(08:07):
bad reason as long as it is not the only reason. Now,
there is this very famous study about sliding versus deciding
in a relationship that I think really convinces me that
money cannot be the only reason you choose to live
with somebody. This paper basically says this theory basically says
(08:28):
that when couples make major relationship transitions, they do one
of two things. They either slide, meaning they gradually and
often unconsciously increase commitment without explicit discussion or intention. So
they move in together just because it is right and
convenient and because it just seems like the basic next
(08:51):
step versus they decide, meaning they make a clear, mutual,
deliberate choice to deepen commitment. They have conversations about it. Yes,
they're still considering practical factors that may slide the decision,
but they are in a rational, deliberate mind about the choice.
So the authors of this study found that those who
(09:14):
slide into big transitions often end up a lot less happy,
and they are much more likely to break up, largely
because they never clarified expectations. They never were really aligned beforehand.
They never may have discussed important things that you need
to know about somebody before you live with them. They
(09:34):
just saw it as the easy, available next step, and
that ambiguity it can lead to asymmetric commitment. You know,
because the biggest factor is convenience. You don't really know
how in somebody is because of their actual love for you,
and how in they are because of practicality. Yes, living
(09:55):
with your partner can help you save money, but living
with somebody out of financialness necessity rather than emotional readiness
adds a lot of pressure to a relationship very very quickly.
So that's just something to consider. But finances still a pro.
The third pro. The third thing you stand to gain
is that it's incredibly convenient. You say, I cannot begin
(10:18):
to amount of time that me and Tom save not
having to commute to each other's houses between, you know,
basically two different major cities every weekend or every day
is incredible. And I think especially for him, when we
were doing that kind of like medium distance relationship, he
(10:42):
you know, it may have looked like he was living
in Wollongong. It may have looked like he was living
at my house. He was living out of his car,
like let's be completely really real about it, like he
had everything he needed, Like he could have moved into
his car because all of his stuff was in there.
Because of this back and forth, I think it's not
just that it's physically convenient. It will also bring you
(11:03):
together emotionally, and I consider this a pro. I think
it really tests the strength of your emotional bond. You know,
it is one thing to love somebody when they are
all dressed up and you're out for dinner and everybody's
on their best behavior. It's another thing to love them
when they're really stressed, really tired, really grumpy because somebody
(11:27):
left the dishes in the sink, really angry, all those
different things. Think cohabitation gives you a front row seat
to who your partner really is. Again, that's a pro
for me. Ideally you should have seen some of these
things before you made the decision. Sometimes you don't. I personally,
(11:49):
I really think that you shouldn't move in with somebody
during your honeymoon period. That's just my kind of That's
just my opinion because in that first like twelve to
eighteen months of a relationship, when you are just like
madly in love, there is nothing wrong with this person.
You cannot see past the bad stuff to the more
messy things. And I think that when you move in
(12:09):
with somebody during that phase, it makes it so much
harder to really like adjust when those things eventually come out.
So I think, yes, living with somebody gives you a
front row seat to those things. You also hopefully should
have seen it before, you know, back to that previous point.
That's why people call living together like the relationship accelerator.
(12:33):
Everything is sped up the connection. But also the conflict,
the communication, the hobbies you share, the relationship you have.
You can learn in six months of living with somebody
what it may have taken two to three years to
learn about them. So you just need to know you're
ready for that kind of shock of either you know,
loving somebody even deeper because of that, or being a
(12:54):
little bit scared off. I will say you're probably like,
why is this on the prose list? I think as
on the pros list because you know this is going
to sound cynical, but eventually you're going to learn about
these things right and living together means you learn about
them quicker, and if they are really big deal breakers,
like it does save you a lot of time, and
(13:17):
I think that think of that as a pro and
then you know, if it does work out and you
determine that you are really compatible, then you just get
to know somebody even more intimately. So either way, like
I do, think that you know somebody better, and whether
you know that they're not right for you or know
that they are right for you, that is still a huge,
(13:38):
huge win. I think a big reason why it is
so emotionally intimate as well, just to like further hone
in on this point is because this is the first
person since your family to see you at this level
of like intimate proximity. When you live alone, when you
live with friends, there's still a degree of performance, even
(14:00):
if it's small. You know, you do still try to
be more tidy and try to be a more functional
adult version of yourself. But living with your partner, I
think removes that layer, like they do truly see everything.
In a lot of ways, cohabitation feels very familiar. This
is what I found. I feel like the first time
(14:21):
I've done it, but it just feels like I've done
it before because it mirrors that deep domestic intimacy that
you have with your family, the sharing of space, the
sharing of chores, the sharing of life, of the background
noise of day to day. This time, though, I think
it's like a beautiful thing that you are. You're getting
(14:43):
to choose your family. You're choosing the person you want
to move in with. You're choosing your partner rather than
just being in the family that you're born into. It will, though, somebody,
something that I don't see people talk about a lot,
is when you move in with somebody, you will experience
this thing called family re enact. Basically, all of us
(15:03):
carry emotional patterns that we've learned from early on, from
across our lives, emotional patterns to do with affection, to
do with conflict, responsibility, communication, and when you are with
your partner and there is that same level of intimacy
as you had with your family, this stuff is going
to come out and it might shock you. It might
(15:24):
honestly terrify you to be like, Wait, I'm in this
big adult relationship and suddenly I'm acting like a child again.
Why does that happen? Because I know that's a pretty
common experience where you kind of feel like you're reversing
in maturity. Where we're going to talk about all of that,
as well as some other complexities of living with somebody
after this short break. So you move in with your partner,
(15:52):
you're feeling super grown up, and then you find yourself regressing.
Why is that? There's a really key psychoanalytic theory you
should know called object relations theory that explains this really well.
The theory was developed in psychoanalytics psychology by Melanie Klein
and Donald Winnicott, and they basically suggest that our earliest
(16:15):
relationships i e. Those with our parents or caregivers become
internalized as objects, and by that I don't mean physical objects,
but emotional templates. These internal objects or templates represent how
we learned to relate to love, relate to care, safety,
(16:36):
and dependence. For example, if your primary caregiver was warm
and reliable, your internal template or object is one that
tells you that intimacy feels safe, that love can be trusted.
But if your caregiver was inconsistent, was critical, love was conditional,
you carry around an internal template that says love is unstable,
(16:58):
love has to be earned. Fast forward to your twenties
and suddenly you know you're living with your partner, the
person who was closest to you since those original caregivers,
those internalized dynamics will reappear. This is where this concept
of transference comes in. This is the process whereby we
project old feelings and expectations from our early relationships onto
(17:22):
our current ones, especially during times when things feel a
bit unstable or new, like when you move in with somebody.
It's fun, it's also stressful. Transference makes cohabitation so emotionally
rich because you're sharing internal worlds. You're sharing emotional histories.
(17:44):
There's just the nature of the environment and the closeness
that you are having is going to feel reminiscent of
previous times you felt this close to people, and those
reactive or reactionary patterns will often be the same. Now,
the thing is, this is not always a bad thing.
Sometimes it's actually an opportunity to rewrite previous models, previous
(18:10):
templates of how you relate to people. You know. Unlike
your family dynamic, this relationship is chosen. You're not a
kid anymore. You have self awareness, you have hopefully a
quality you can communicate, and you can actually address issues
that come up in a way that your childhood self
couldn't and say, hey, you know, when you get quiet
(18:31):
during arguments, it reminds me of how silence feil to
my house. I don't want to do that anymore. Can
we talk about this differently? I need you to be
or to make more time for me, because otherwise I
feel my abandonment wound really firing up. And that's how
transference really can turn into deep emotional transformation. If you
(18:52):
are with the right person and you're living together, you
get to rewrite the emotional scripts you were handed. You
create you templates for what love and safety and care
can feel like. And I count that as a huge
pro I think a lot of my cons are also pros.
Right when else do you have the opportunity, And it
(19:12):
truly is an opportunity to rewire your primal childhood wounds.
So just to give a little rundown pros convenience financial
makes financial sense. Now, the pro of living together is
it's just a lot of fun. It also challenges your
(19:33):
emotional bond and it really tells you whether you should
shouldn't be with somebody you know. Obviously that might end
in a breakup. That's not necessarily a bad thing if
it saves you a lot of time. So with that
in mind, let's switch gears. Let's talk about the harder parts,
the things you should definitely be aware of before choosing
(19:53):
to live with somebody in your twenties. Now. One of
the biggest drawbacks, and it's going to be ironic that
I mentioned this, considering what I just said, is that
any future breakup is going to be a lot more complicated.
Not that it isn't going to be right, It's just
going to be complicated. And no matter how in love
you are, how strong, the first few months of living
(20:15):
together are how strong you guys are as a couple.
Before you move in, you are going to have moments
where you fight and you argue and you feel like,
you know, what are we doing? Like can we work
through this? It's just totally normal for couples to go
through that. And maybe the answer you come to is no.
(20:36):
When you live separately and you break up, you don't
have kids, you don't have shared furniture, you don't have
a pet, you can just leave, you cry, you unfollow,
you heal. Your space is not their space. When you
live together, there's a lease, there's shared furniture, there's the
shared pet, there's a shared life, there's shared bank accounts.
Maybe these logistics alone can turn an emotion hard breakup
(21:02):
into a logistical nightmare. This has happened to a few
friends of mine and it was honestly really hard to
see them go through it. I know it was for
the best, but you know at times, like one of
my friends had to continue living in an apartment with
somebody who cheated on her and the guy was in
a new relationship because they had this lease and she
(21:22):
couldn't afford to break it. Like that is tough, or
the alternative is you ignore red flags to avoid the
complications of a breakup because mentally, now that you live together,
you think it's going to be way too difficult. There
is a term for this in psychology. It's called relationship inertia.
(21:43):
It describes how living together can actually make people stay
in relationships longer than they would have otherwise, simply because
it's harder to leave. The thought of moving out, the
thought of dividing belongings, of finding a new place. It
can all make staying just seem a lot easier, even
if you're unhappy. And then where does that leave you
(22:06):
in a relationship you don't want to be in, or
because you made a decision maybe a little bit too early.
We're going to return to the role of finances here
as well. It comes up yet again. I feel like
money is both the biggest pro and the biggest con.
Sharing rent and bills seems like it's going to be straightforward,
it's going to save you money. It does actually introduce
(22:27):
a layer of dependency that can be really tricky to navigate.
What happens if one of you loses a job, What
if you earn significantly different amounts do you split everything
fifty to fifty or do you split it proportionally? What
if you buy a property, You know, that's a whole
other legal layer. Money, as we know from research conducted
(22:48):
in twenty fourteen, is the biggest source of relationship conflict,
and cohabitation brings that right to the surface. It's also,
as that previous study said, one of the biggest reasons
people move in together. I actually saw a recent Vice
article aptly titled Till Debt Do Us Part which talked
about this, and one of the surveys they discussed found
(23:10):
that nearly one in four Americans in a relationship would
leave if they knew they could get out without going broke.
That is a quarter of the people they spoke to.
A quarter of people were like, I actually don't want
to be in this relationship. Money is what's keeping me here.
And this is what the financial state of so many
countries is encouraging. It's economic codependence that means people are
(23:34):
staying in relationships way longer than they should. And of
course that doesn't mean living together dooms you to inertia
or dooms you to financial codependency. You just have to
be extra aware of your motivations. And I do also
think that it's wise to still have your own bank account,
to still have some of your own money. You know,
(23:56):
you might trust this person with your life. People still
make stupid mistakes. Things do still happen. It's not about
having one foot out the door. It's just about being
prepared for what life throws at you in the most
rational and best possible way. Another practical con of moving
in together is you do lose a lot of personal space,
(24:17):
and you just got to assess whether that's something you're
willing to lose. You know, if you've ever lived alone,
it's the best. I love living alone. You get to
walk around in silence, you get to make as much
or as little of a mess as possible. Your room
and your house always gets to feel the way you
want it to feel. You're in charge of the furniture,
(24:37):
you're in charge of what's on the TV. When you
live with somebody else, that solitude and the freedom of
that solitude does drastically shrink. You know, suddenly your downtime
is shared time. Your home, the place that you used
to retreat to, does become a shared environment. And yes,
in an ideal world, you choose to be in a
(24:58):
relationship where you can be your wacky, wonderful, weird self
in front of them comfortably. But regardless of that, you
still do need personal time to function. One estimate I
found suggests that the perfect race for a relationship is
seventy percent of time together thirty percent of time alone.
That's the maximum level that people can handle. So what
(25:20):
I mean by is like, if it went any higher
than that, that's when a relationship does deeply suffer or
does become hyper dependent. You just need to be able
to recognize yourself as an individual. That's really what it
means to be functioning in this relationship and out of it,
having enough time to know who you are outside of
the balance of who this person is to you. I
(25:42):
think what works for me and Tom is that I
work from home all day, so I spend a lot
of time by myself whilst he is obviously at work
and he has coworkers, And then when he gets home,
I'll be out and we kind of switch shifts where
he has his alone time, and that works really well
for us. That you know, our evenings and our days
(26:05):
on the week are kind of a little bit separate,
Like obviously we still see each other when one of
us gets home, and we still go to the gym
together and all that stuff. But then on weekends is
when we have our quality time. Right. We always take Tarloo,
our dog, on like a big adventure, you know it's
her weekend too, and then we like do a big
grocery shop, we go for a big run, we do
(26:26):
a date night. It's the best that works for us
because I need a lot more alone time than he does.
My work situation. His work situation allows that he's in
the office full time. I'm at home full time. But
it's all about just managing expectations and making sure that
they're aligned with that in mind. Let's talk about expectations
(26:47):
for a second here. Living together will raise your expectations
for your partner. This person is no longer you're like
weekend fun. This is your partner as in like needs
to be by your side, should be by your side,
has to support you through good and bad. Your expectations
for them obviously increase, and when those expectations aren't met,
(27:09):
resentment will grow in their place resentment. As we know
from Relationship Institute's relationship researchers like the Gotman institute is
like a huge poison for a relationship. If you resent
the other person without communicating it, like, your relationship isn't
going to last. And the first few months are usually
(27:29):
the hardest when you are adjusting to each other's rhythms,
you are adjusting to each other's routines and emotional lives.
Conflict is going to increase in this time. I'm just
gonna let you know that before you move in together,
before you sign the lease, like, you are going to
(27:50):
fight probably the most in your relationship than you ever
have in the first like six months that you live together.
It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. It's
an adjustment thing. Just make sure you get to a
solid ground with each other around what your expectations are
now and what you maybe do and don't need from
the relationship or from the future real relationship to remain
(28:14):
happy in this new chapter that you're sharing. So with
all that in mind, I want to talk about the
five things you need to be super clear on before
living with somebody in your twenties. The first one is money,
So number one, you need to understand finances, and I
have five things that you need to agree on or
sit down with each other and talk about before you
(28:37):
sign the lease, how is rank going to be split?
I literally want you to get a piece of pen
and paper and write this down like you're writing down
a contract. How is rant going to be split? Are
you going to have shared accounts? Who is responsible for
managing and paying bills? And when and which? And does
that change? What will you buy together and what will
you buy separately? So like groceries, maybe one of you
(29:00):
really expensive haircare products. Maybe one of you wants to
has a car that the other person uses. Like what
are you going to pay for separately and together? What
is your plan if one of you loses your income
or loses your job. These are pretty drag questions, super dry,
but super important to iron out. And literally I want
you to write this down and put it in your
(29:21):
cutlery drawer for future reference to come back to next.
Chores and domestic labor, something seemingly as small as who
does the dishes is very symbolically loaded, and the research
is full of studies that demonstrate this. The unequal division
of household work is a significant predictor of relationship breakdown.
(29:44):
I think chores are like a microcosm of the relationship,
they're super small. Within them, big themes get represented. How
do we share responsibility, how do we respect each other's time,
how do we express care? And here's the uncomfortable truth
about it. You know, in heterosexual relationships in particular, even
(30:06):
amongst progressive modern couples, the household load will still tend
to fall heavily on women. Multiple studies, including research from
the Pew Research Center from the University of Michigan, they
found that women in cohabitating or married relationships still perform
a disproportionate share of domestic labor, even when they work
(30:29):
more hours at their actual jobs, even when both partners
work full time. Sociologists call this they actually have a
name for it, the second shift. It's a term coined
by Ali Hotschild to describe how women often work a
full day professionally and they come back and work a
second job of managing the household. And it's not always intentional,
(30:52):
it's not malicious, it's just deeply ingrained social conditioning. Women
are often raised to notice domestic needs, to anticipate when
the laundry is piling up, when the bathroom needs scrubbing,
when the fridge is empty. You know, I feel so
lucky that And I'm not trying to brag. I know
how this is going to come off. But like my
(31:12):
boyfriend does all that stuff. In fact, I think it's
unequal for him, which is a win for feminism. But
I also know I pay more of the household expenses,
so we've just found something that works for us. And
I also think that for me, like I take on
more of the thinking about our lives, he does more
of the physical labor when it comes all the physical
(31:34):
chores when it comes to our lives. This brings me
to the next point, the mental load, the invisible labor
of remembering, planning, anticipating. Even in relationships where both partners
are trying to be fair, when it comes to chores,
it's not just about tasks, it's about who keeps track
of them. I feel like this is something a lot
(31:56):
of men don't realize, Like women don't want to have
to ask you to do something. You doing something because
she asked is not as good as you doing something
because you anticipated that it needed to be done. So
when you move in together, it's really worth having a conversation.
What does equal actually mean? What does mental load and
(32:19):
the mental energy required for the upkeep of a home.
Actually mean, who's going to take that on. How are
we going to have conversations around when things may fall
off from being equal, because they will, like people get
more busy at work, people travel. I just you need
to know who is responsible for those conversations and who
is responsible for those activities. The good news this is
(32:41):
one of the easiest things to get right. If you're
conscious about it. You can very easily create systems that
distribute work and mental load, that alternate responsibilities if you
talk about it openly, and if you know you're with
somebody who is going to be willing to meet you
in the middle, meet you halfway. Okay, we're going to
take another quick break, but when we return, let's talk
(33:02):
about the two final things you should have ironed out
before moving in with somebody, and some final tips for
keeping the love flowing. So stay with us. So we've
talked about mental load, we've talked about money. The next
important thing to consider is what happens when you need
(33:22):
alone time. Just because you live together doesn't mean you
have to spend every second and every moment together. I
think the healthiest thing you can do is maintain a
sense of individuality. It's very easy to slip into social
dependency emotional dependency because your partner is right there. Independence
(33:43):
is what keeps the relationship fresh. I really think it's
important before you move in with each other to make
sure that your personal lives and your individual lives are
just as full and just as fruitful as the life
you share together. You have hobbies, you have friends outside
of the relationship, or you're committed to making your friends
(34:04):
outside of the relationship. It's maybe it's just not something
you have to think about, but if you do, and
if you have any doubts about that, I think give
it some time so that you have independent lives before
you merge them. I also think it's really important on
the flip side, to schedule like dates in with each other.
Even if you live with each other, you need to
(34:25):
have like a little ritual for your relationship. I think
couples who keep dating each other tend to have the
longest and healthiest relationships because it's no longer passive. They're
not just like a roommate. There are somebody that you're
actively still falling in love with. So make sure you
schedule the solo dates. Schedule the solo nights. Also schedule
the couple time and the couple dates to make it special.
(34:47):
And finally, the final thing you should have ironed out
of our five things is what is the protocol on guests.
You don't want to feel like you're tiptoeing around your
house when your partner's friends are around. You don't want
to feel like you have to tell them no when
they're family visits that you know they can't stay in
your spare bedroom. Having mismatched comfort levels around these things
(35:08):
is normal. It's also going to create tension and it's
going to cause you to turn against each other. Have
those conversations early, Have them intentionally, because when you move
in with somebody like you are merging emotional, internal, psychological lives.
This place is also their place as much as it
is yours, and of course you want them to respect
(35:29):
your wishes. But if there is this huge mismatch, it's
probably worth just getting to the bottom of before you
sign the lease. I also think it's a great mark
of respect if you're both really considered in these kinds
of decisions. It's not the end of the world to
change your mind about these things, and not the end
(35:50):
of the world to have moments where somebody doesn't maybe
necessarily think about the other person's feelings as clearly as
they should. It's okay to have moments of being really
annoyed and frustrating. You are on the same team though
you are partners before you are roommates. Just continue to
(36:10):
revise and continue to talk about it. So before we
wrap up, I want to give you some final questions
to ask yourself before making the biggest, best, greatest decision
of moving in with somebody. Answer these in your head,
use them as journal prompts whatever you need to do.
Maybe you can even talk about them with your partner.
Whatever you want. Just have these in the back of
(36:32):
your mind. I think they will reveal whether this is
the right decision or not. Number one, why do you
want to move in? Are you sliding or are you deciding?
Is it because it feels right emotionally or convenient financially?
Neither is necessarily wrong, but just be clear on your intentions. Second,
(36:54):
how do you typically individually handle conflict and is there
something that you could be doing or thinking about that
could help you handle that better? Third, do you feel
emotionally and physically safe with this person? You know you
are going to see each other at your very very
best and you're very very worst. Safety, whether it's emotional, psychological, physical,
(37:17):
is a non negotiable. Is this person going to help
you grow through hard times? And do you feel like
you can trust them? Fourth are you on the same
page about the future, not necessarily about marriage, but just
about the future in general, what this move means for
your relationship. I don't know if anybody else has been watching.
(37:38):
Nobody wants this, but I feel like there is I
don't want to do spoilers. There is a specific scene
in the latest season where they well I'm going to
spoil it, where they talk about moving in with each other,
and I just feel like the way they go about
it is quite well. One of them is quite mature
and like the Rabbi is quite mature, and Kristen's belt
(38:00):
Bell's character like isn't. But I really agreed with him
where he was like, I don't know if we have
a future together. If you have doubts about it. It's
not saying you have to know, you don't have to
have a ring, but if you can see there is
a genuine fundamental incompatibility that you just keep sweeping under
the rug. Maybe don't do it. Maybe that is an
incompatibility that you work through that someone changes their mind about.
(38:23):
But just be sure that this is something that's going
to go into benefit and level up your relationship, and
that the relationship has a future in general. Number five,
Are you ready to share your space in this way?
Love is one thing, living together as another. You can
adore somebody and still realize you're not quite ready to
merge your worlds. It's okay to wait. I feel like
(38:46):
me and Tom had this discussion where we were like,
I'm sure we could do it, but would this give
us the best chances of enjoying it when we like
moving in with each other this early on. Probably not.
We're not ready to share space, We're not ready to
share our lives yet. In this way, we are going
to wait. And it was a great decision and a
bonus question. Do you feel stable enough in yourself to
(39:10):
make this choice now? Obviously circumstances change. Maybe you're getting
kicked out of your apartment, maybe you're super broke and
you don't feel that stable in your life, But ideally
you should feel like there is not too much chaos
going on there is not too much chaos that is
directly impacting this decision. This is a decision I am
(39:33):
deciding on rather than siding into. To give yourself the
best chances that this relationship is going to work. You
obviously really love this person, You really care about this person.
Know yourself. If you have a tendency to rush into things,
to self sabotage, to get really excited. If this person
is your forever person, you will get there eventually. You
will move in with them eventually. If you feel like
(39:55):
your life is not stable enough for you to make
a rational choice about it, just hold off, hold off
a little bit. I think at its best, like living
with your partner in your twenties is really fun and
it's really beautiful, and you really get to know each
other more, and it's convenient and it makes financial sense.
You do close a chapter of your life that you
(40:18):
have to feel ready to close. Like I will say
I again, I keep saying this. I love living with Tom.
There was definitely a part of me that mourned the
fact that unless something really bad happens that I would
obviously want to avoid, like one of us dies or
we break up, like I'm going to be sharing a
bed with this man for hopefully the rest of my life.
(40:40):
That makes me feel excited. I'm happy about that. There
is definitely a part of me that did moren you know,
living alone and did more the independence of being single
and the independence of just being alone in my space
and just getting to live and operate every single day
without having to think about somebody else. It is like
(41:04):
there is obviously, like an equation that is inherent in this.
You do have to give up something to gain something.
Are you ready to give that up? Have you learned
what you needed to learn from your alone time, from
your living alone time, from your even like your single
era time. Obviously you're not single if like you've been
dating them for a while, but like, I don't know
(41:25):
what the word for it is alone time? Okay, we'll
go with that. With your alone time, You're okay, I'm
going to stop trying to find the right word. You're
alone time is what I mean. Just be really, really
cognizant of it. You know, you don't want to feel suffocated.
You don't want to feel like you rushed into this
prematurely and then you have to go back and you
have to explain things, and you know it's gonna get messy.
(41:46):
I just think the longer you wait, especially the longer
you outweit the honeymoon period, the better it's gonna be.
So as for the question, should you move in with
your partner in your twenties, I don't know, and there's
no universal answer, but I just think can diser those points,
consider those questions, consider the pros and cons, and if
you stand to gain more than you stand to lose,
(42:06):
which I don't think you will lose all too much,
absolutely you should do it and have the best time
at aikea, have the best time painting, have the best
time going house hunting, like it's so much fun, it's
so enjoyable, and I'm excited for you and for your
next chapter. If you made it this far in the episode,
if you made it all the way to the end,
leave a little house emoji down below. Thanks for being
(42:30):
a loyal listener. Thanks for making it to the conclusion
of this episode. I want to thank our researcher Libby
Colbert for her help on this episode and her contributions.
If you want to make an episode suggestion, if you
want to tell me about your experience moving in with somebody,
whether it was good bad, what your tips are? Send
(42:51):
me a DM on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and
make sure you're following us over there as well. Make
sure you are following us wherever you are listening, and please,
if you could kindly give us a five star review,
it really helps the show to grow and reach new people,
whether you're listening on Apple, on Spotify, on the iHeartRadio app,
I would greatly appreciate it. But until next time, thanks
(43:13):
again for tuning in, Stay safe, be kind, be gentle
to yourself. Good luck with the potential move in, and
we will talk there very soon
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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