November 27, 2025 • 35 mins
There is a huge emphasis on treating romance as the main marker of a successful life – from questions from family, to seemingly perfect online couples – it’s hard to believe anything else when society celebrates this kind of ideal.
In this episode, we look at how romance is often seen as the main focus of our 20s, what it can distract us from, and how we can start to approach it differently.
We explore:
• The social script of our 20s
• The role of milestone anxiety and FOMO
• How this can lead to us neglecting other areas of our lives, including our goals
• Emotional bypassing and avoiding the deeper work
• What a healthy approach to love looks like
• 5 tips to decentre romantic love
If you’ve ever felt like your life is on pause until your relationship status changes, this episode is for you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back
(00:24):
to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners,
old listeners, or wherever you are in the world, it
is so great to have you here. Back for another
episode as we, of course break down the psychology of
our twenties. So the other day I did an episode
on the five biggest regrets I have about my twenties
(00:45):
so far, and one of those regrets that really stood
out to a lot of you was this regret I
have about focusing too much on dating in my early twenties.
I remember being nineteen in my college university dorm room
downloading Tinder and being like, this better get me a boyfriend,
(01:06):
Like I need a boyfriend. I need to fit in.
I need to have this like relationship that like others
can see and that's like going to feel amazing and
this is going to make me feel really great about myself.
And I got the boyfriend. It wasn't very satisfying. I
ended up back in this cycle of again and again
and again chasing validation from men, chasing validation from romantic partners.
(01:31):
That was actually pretty unfulfilling and took away a lot
of the time that I should have devoted to figuring
myself out, to traveling, exploring, putting time and effort into friendships.
You know, there was especially this relationship that I've spoken
about before, where you know, the very fact that I
(01:52):
was in that relationship cost me a lot of friendships,
and it's something that I still think about fairly often.
I still missed those friends so much, and I'm not
even in that relationship anymore, and it's a huge regret
of mine that romance often took precedence over not just
all other kinds of love, but just everything in my life. Nowadays,
(02:17):
we're seeing this incredible and I would also say a
personally really admirable trend of decentering men, decentering dating, taking
your time to find the right person, honoring your single years,
questioning what we sacrifice in a relationship as much as
what we think we gain. And I thought, what a
great time to investigate this trend of centering romance, decentering
(02:43):
men in our twenties, and doing so from a psychological perspective.
I want to talk about where this laser focus on
love comes from in our twenties, why it might be
holding us back in other areas of our lives, and
how we can decend to dating and needing to find
our person during this decade so that we can be
(03:05):
a little bit selfish, so that we can really focus
on ourselves, so that we can have all that time
and energy and effort and attention we put into others
just for us when I think we really need it
the most. So, without further ado, let's break down the
psychology behind the centering romance in our twenties. To start
(03:31):
us off, I think we should first look at why
we focus so much on love during this decade. During
these years, The first explanation, and the easiest explanation, is
simply that love is really wonderful, Like it is great.
I'm not going to pretend that it's not. You and
I both know it is life changing if it is
(03:52):
with the right person. The thing is, though nobody told
us how hard it would actually be to find the
right person. The storybook romances of our childhood, they are
actually pretty few and far between. But because our society
is based around ideals of marriage, unions, couples, families, we
(04:16):
often feel like, or at least I remember, feeling like
the rest of my life would not start, could not
start until I had firstly ticked off get a boyfriend
on my list, get into a relationship. Was this thing
that I had to do before, you know, I could
progress into the next phase of my life, before I
(04:37):
could truly be an adult. There is this huge societal
pressure to find somebody so that you can you know,
move in together, and then so that you can get married,
get a mortgage, get a dog, have a kid. And
that is a process that we feel very pressured to
begin it. And actually what is quite a young age,
(05:00):
like your early twenties were you're still like very very young,
and yet in the back of your mind there is
this constant fear of like the clock is ticking, all
the good ones are taken, my standards are just going
to get lower, the dating pool is going to get smaller.
I feel like we all know this script. I always
ask myself how much of this is really just about
social approval and social recognition, and how much of this
(05:23):
is actually purely about the other person and really caring
for them and having real, true, deep, passionate feelings for
another human. We are very naturally sensitive to what is
publicly celebrated. Obviously, we instinctually as humans seek harmony and conformity,
(05:43):
even if we think that we don't, and being in
a relationship is a goal and is something that is
very easy to recognize and applaud from the outside. It's
not that we are shallow, it's not that we are
only doing this because other people expect it from us.
It's just that we are very much aware and influenced
by society's expectations and the fact that romantic milestones monopolize
(06:10):
our sense of progress, even when our values are more
complex than that. You may have noticed this, like you
see a family member you haven't seen in a while.
Sometimes even you have conversations with your friends, and it's
never you know, how excited are you for the future,
or what's like the big thing that you're working on
(06:30):
right now? What are you excited about, what's your goal?
It's always so, do you have a boyfriend yet? Do
you have a girlfriend? Are you dating anyone? The conversation
always comes back to that, and it creates a lot
of anxiety, anxiety that influences our decision making. You know,
this is another thing that I think about a lot,
(06:51):
and that I really wish my younger self had thought
about a little bit more. Do you really want a boyfriend?
Do you really want a girlfriend or do you just
want the anxiety about being single to go away? Do
you actually want a relationship or would it just stop
you worrying about what you may be missing out on.
Do you want a partner or do you want people
(07:14):
to know that you have value because someone chows you?
This is all stemming from deep fears about whether we're worthy,
whether we are loved, whether we are accepted, whether we
have value. This fear of this anxiety pushes us from
a place of discernment, a place of rationality, intention, and value,
(07:35):
into a place of urgency, a place of impulsivity, blindness,
where we accelerate commitment not because the fit is strong,
not because we are even necessarily compatible, but because the
timeline that we are experiencing in our twenties feels very
fragile and feels very uncertain. What is the risk in this?
(07:56):
What is the risk in centering romance much and too
strongly in our twenties. The risk here is what we
refer to as narrative foreclosure. We have the partner, we
found the person on the dating app, and now that
we're in the relationship, and maybe we're a couple of
years down the line, we genuinely believe it's too late
(08:20):
to start over again. It's too late to get back
out there. So you tolerate less and less and less
and less, and an amazing relationship for this good relationship,
for this relationship that at least ticks the box of
being partnered. And you know what should really, I really
(08:40):
believe should scare us and scare you more than not
finding somebody is actually finding the wrong person and confusing
them with the right person. A lot of the time,
rushing into relationships or marriages very young is actually more
likely to see you broken up or divorce laid down
(09:01):
the line, because we are acting from a place again
of urgency rather than discernment, which causes us to just
choose wrong. A twenty thirteen study published in the General
Couple in Family Psychology actually found that sixty one percent
of couples who recently got a divorce decided that getting
married too young was one of the main factors their
(09:22):
relationship didn't work out. Simply being partnered when you're in
your early twenties because you feel like you have to
is not the same as being well matched, and is
not the same as having somebody you genuinely trust and
are compatible with. And the risk is that you have
this person and so you feel like a chapter in
(09:43):
your life has closed, maybe earlier than it should have.
You've given this person some of the best years of
your life, You've given them your youth, and then now
you're thirty forty and you're like, why did I do that?
Why was I in such a rush? I actually had
so much time, and I cannot get those years back.
The biggest reason I think that we should be decentering
romance in our twenties is because ultimately, this should be
(10:06):
your selfish decade. If you want to spend a month
in Greece, do it. If you want to move countries,
do it. If you want to change who you are
every four months, do it. Do you want to explore everything,
try it all, taste it all, see it all, do it?
Like Having these goals and ambitions for yourself requires focus,
(10:29):
and it requires time, and it requires you to be
really honest and in touch with who you are and
when you focus, when your focus is on romantic love
and romantic love only, don't confuse me. Your life is
not about you anymore. It is about this faceless, elusive
someone who will come into your life and save the day.
(10:51):
If you are waiting to be chosen before your life
really begins, you are going to contort yourself, change yourself,
lose yourself trying to impress somebody who might not even
make your life better than what it could have been
without them. So you lose your identity, you lose your priorities.
You also lose your time. You know, centering romantic possibilities
(11:15):
and centering dating is so time consuming it is it
takes up valuable mental energy getting to know somebody, applying
to all these messages on dating apps, constantly trying to
organize dates and remember whether they ghosted you or not,
like it's basically a full time job. I remember when
(11:36):
I was dating fairly intensely for a couple of years there.
If I had made a pie chart of what I
spent time thinking about, and I was like pursuing my education,
I had a really great job, I had hobbies still
fifty percent of the time, I would be thinking about men,
and I would be distracted by what they were thinking
(12:00):
about me, and it was all I could talk about
with my friends. It was so time consuming, and that
was time that I don't get back that I could
have used for rest or learning a new skill, or
making new friends, or being creative. And I really do
feel like it was in some ways wasted. I think
maybe on a deeper level, sometimes we do this. We
(12:23):
give up our time and we chase being chosen because
we just want to feel like we belong and we
want to feel like somebody sees us and loves us,
and that is a way to avoid truly being with ourselves.
We get a fast hit of safety or self esteem
in the text, in the plans, in the promises, of
(12:45):
being with somebody in their potential, and I think we
momentarily get a sense of relief that we might not
be lonely forever, that maybe we're not that terrible. Maybe
we do have And what we're really engaging in here
is emotional bypassing, we're using the attention of other people
(13:07):
to dodge the inner work because it feels safer to
do so. Oftentimes we think you know, when I'm in
a relationship, everything will change. I'll have the validation i'll need.
I'll be happy because somebody else has confirmed for me
that I have value. And the thing is is that
all that insecurity will still be there, and it will
(13:28):
probably be made worse by the fact that perhaps you
chose the first person who showed up at the front door,
or you changed in order to be chosen. And now listen,
it's fun today. You know I am in a long
term relationship with an amazing guy. I'm not saying like,
turn into a nun until you're thirty, But there is
a difference between dating being a part of your life
(13:49):
and dating consuming your life and consuming your time, energy, identity,
and sense of self worth. So after this short break,
what I want to do is explore a nuanced, balanced,
healthy approach to romance in our twenties that doesn't eliminate love.
(14:10):
Doesn't eliminate romantic love, but just decenters it from being
the main story we're trying to build for ourselves or
tell ourselves stay with us. In my humble opinion, I
do truly believe that romance should not, at any stage
(14:31):
in your life be the main focus of your world
except for maybe like on your wedding day. How I
describe it is my relationship and the love I feel
for my partner is not my whole world. It is
a separate universe for which I step into I get
to enjoy, but I also step out of because you know,
(14:54):
my world is my world, and me and my partner,
our relationship does kind of exist separately from that. The
moment that I'm spending too much time in this other universe,
or the moment that I feel like all my plans
and all my behaviors need to be about him or
(15:14):
are orientated towards him, This is like a really good
sign to plant my feet firmly back into my own
inner world and my own inner garden. So if you
want to descender love in your twenties, if you want
to have the world and then have the universe on
the side, here's what you're gonna do. Number one. Firstly,
(15:37):
you need to ask yourself do I have love to share?
We need to make sure our own cup is filled
up first. Then you need to make sure you have
enough in your cup to give to your loved ones.
Then you need to make sure you have enough in
your cup to give to the things you care about,
and if there is still something left over, then romantic
(15:58):
love can be a priority. This reflects something that we
call self determination theory, and this theory basically maps the
three needs that each of us should be fulfilling at
any given time, the need for relatedness, competence, and autonomy.
We need relatedness through friendship and community. We need competence
(16:20):
through learning and creativity, and we need autonomy by being
able to make our own decisions. When we are fulfilling
these three things, we can be discerning about love, and
we can be discerning and make a conscious, balanced choice
about what we are choosing to spend out time on.
(16:40):
If your cup is not overflowing, I don't think that
romantic love is going to make it flow anymore. And
if your cup is not overflowing and you want it
to be, I want to tell you how you can
make that. So, how can you give yourself? I guess more,
to give more, to give yourself, give others more, to
(17:00):
give your life. This is the thing you're going to do.
You are going to pick a mussogi challenge. Now. Musogi
is a Japanese term that is basically like a Shinto
ritual where people would take like a sacred pilgrimage to
a waterfall was a way to challenge themselves and then
they would like purify themselves under the water. That's like
(17:20):
the traditional version of a musogi in Japan. A modern
musogi refers to a significant, year defining challenge that we
really want to commit to and do that requires a
lot of focus and devotion on our behalf to this thing.
So basically, it's like a pact that you make with
a dream. You really have to just spend the year
(17:42):
giving it your all. A masogi could be writing a book,
it could be starting a podcast, running a marathon, launching
a company, completing a multi day hike, getting scuba certified,
building something, and it's basically meant to require deep commitment
and dedication you the same way you might deeply commit
and dedicate yourself to a relationship. So many of us
(18:05):
live passively, or so many of us focus on dating
because it feels like a worthy project. But when you
have a masogi, you are laser focused. You have things
to do. You have this task, this goal that is
deeply personal to you that you really care about that
nothing can get in the way of this devotion to yourself,
(18:27):
to a practice, to realizing a dream. It means that
you really only have space left in your life for
the kind of love that finds you organically and that
adds to your life. All these other kinds of love
that you may find on a dating app or that
maybe fickle or may come from people who aren't fully committing,
(18:48):
you have your masogi like. You don't have time for
those things. So it allows you, in a way to
be very discerning and to let only good love in
because you've got this big love here, You've got this
thing you're really dedicated to. It's very similar advice to
like getting a hobby right, It's just on a whole
new level. Here's the other thing. I think having a
(19:10):
devotional practice like a masogi, or having hobbies, having interests
that you may have lost in a previous relationship or
may have lost to your devotion to dating, it actually
makes you a much more magnetic person anyways, Like what
I have found time and time again, the less you
focus on dating, the more people like suddenly appear in
(19:31):
your life who are worthy of your love. You can
call it the law of detachment, you can call it
whatever you want to. But people who are committed to
themselves and to doing cool stuff because they want to
that is so hot. People are deeply attracted to that.
And I have found, like in the times where I've
been devoted to something outside of myself and I've been
(19:53):
really committed to making something and making something well and
doing something cool, like suddenly you look around and it's like, wait,
why are there's sudden all these prospects for me? Like
why they are all these people? It's because that mentorship
that you were experiencing through that changes how people see
you and changes how you relate to yourself and just
(20:13):
changes your energy field. Like I fully do believe it.
My next tip for decentering romance in your twenties is
to have a dating detox. I know I've spoken about
this a few times on the podcast. I really don't care.
It's just so worthwhile to do. If you have noticed
that dating is taking up a lot of space and energy,
have a break. I genuinely do believe that the same
(20:37):
way you can get burnt out at your job, you
can get dating burnout. You can feel so deeply exhausted
and disillusioned that dating is a chore to you rather
than something that gives you energy. You are in this
position of like I just want to find somebody so
I don't have to do this anymore. I just want
to finish this task at my job so I don't
(20:58):
have to worry about it. This isn't a job. Dating
isn't a job. It is not something that your livelihood
depends on. You can just quit the rat race. You
can quit the dating rat race and just say I
don't want to do this for a while. This is
where I think the biggest challenge comes about, because what
(21:18):
you have to fight against is really your milestone anxiety
and the part of you that might say you're never
going to find anyone. You know, you can't take a
break now. The clock is ticking, like if you don't
find somebody soon, like it's all going to be over
for you. Like come on, keep going, you're going to struck.
You're going to strike gold soon. And the thing is
is like you're not running out of time. Three months
(21:41):
of dating isn't going to kill you, six months of
not being on the apps isn't going to ruin your life.
In fact, they think it's probably going to improve your life.
So delete or pause the apps, stop maintaining ambiguous connections
with random people. Use that free time for sleep, for exercise,
(22:01):
for self nourishment, for plans for work. And yes, you
might expect a few restless days while your habits are
just but I think it settles after a while and
you realize, like, I don't really need this anymore. This
actually wasn't a worthwhile part of my life, at least
not the way that I was approaching it. And when
you do return, because of course you know you probably will,
(22:25):
I think you'll be able to examine the relationship you
have with these online connections, or with these apps, or
with people in a much more constructive way. After I
did my dating detox, Like I feel like this is
a very famous story on the podcast. The first person
I match with after I did my dating dtalks is
now my boyfriend of three years. But obviously I was
(22:47):
still like, you know, swiping at the same time as
when I had matched with him, and I came back
from my dating detalks with solid rules, like I had
rules for the people I match with. I can't remember
them exactly, but I think it was like twenty four
hours to message after matching, six hours to reply one
(23:11):
to two weeks to organize a date. Otherwise, like I
would seriously just unmatch these people. Anybody who stopped replying
after like a day, unmatched. Anybody who wasn't going to
plan a date, unmatched. Anybody who just like never actually
messaged me, unmatched, Like their profiles were digital cluttered to me.
It was taking up space in my mind to have them, like,
(23:34):
to have them there, to have the unanswered message, to
have the weeks long conversation just staring at me. And
when I put my foot down, I was like, how
you begin is how you you know, how you commit
to going on. So if these people aren't giving me
enough at the beginning, I don't have high expectations for
them in the future. Once I decided that, it was
(23:56):
so relieving, It was so peaceful. It was just like
a nice, stoic mindset. It was like, eh, it was
just like wow, I can just flow through this rather
than getting constantly stuck on these people who I thought
I had a future with. What you really have to
remember is like your time is precious, your mindset is precious,
(24:17):
Your environment, whether it is offline or online, is precious.
And none of like nobody who you have not met
yet who you don't have a deep connection with yet
is important enough for you to sacrifice that because you
don't even know them. You know yourself, you know that
you deserve love. You don't know if they deserve love yet,
(24:38):
So give that love that you may eventually give to
them to yourself until you can prove that they are next.
And maybe my favorite tip for decentering romance is to
start dating your friends. And no, I don't mean like
actually dating your friends. What I mean is like, start
pouring all that time energy I love back into these
(25:02):
plotonic relationships. Apply the same effort you use for dating
to your close bonds and close friendships. Put recurring plans
on the calendar, confirm them early in the week, choose venues,
get dressed up, and actually follow through. Make date nights
for your friends. I wish I did this more right now.
(25:25):
It's been a little bit chaotic for me with moving
to a new country and all, but I used to
host these like elaborate date nights for me and my friends,
like a couple months ago. Back in the day. I
would do them all the time, and it was like
themed dinner parties and like movie nights with like theme
snacks and life drawing nights and art nights and really
fun like dinner dates. And you know what, when I
(25:48):
was single, those moments were like ninety nine percent of
the time better than any date I ever went on.
And honestly, sometimes I would find myself like on a
date with a man and being like, damn, I really
wish like my best friend was here, Like I really
wish my girlfriends were here. Like genuinely giving these ties
the same love and attention that you usually hold for
(26:11):
romantic connections just creates such a beautiful opportunity for like
deep love in a new form. At the end of
the day, you know you can find the love of
your life tomorrow. Maybe you will, but like, they will
never be enough to sustain you if you don't have
these other platonic connections at your back, if you don't
(26:31):
have these other people who are going to show you
love and you show them love in a really important
and healthy way. Okay, My fifth tip is to ask
yourself the question if I knew I would find the
love of my life in six months, Like we just
spoke about, what would I do in the time I
have from then to now? What would I do before
(26:55):
I met them, and I've spoken about this a few times,
but I think this exercise works because it really asks
you to do away with the concerns of being single
and just pay attention to what you really want in
your life when you aren't distracted by this idea of
choosing or being chosen. You know what is on your
(27:18):
single bucket list? What skills do you want to learn,
What emotional wounds do you want to heal? What trips
do you want to take, What health goals do you have?
Financial targets, times spent with friends, times met with family,
What unfinished goals would you like to achieve as a
single person. I need you to make a single bucket
list of experiences and milestones that you think might be
(27:41):
better as a as a single person, that you think
would really contribute to your life, even when there's nobody
else with you, and even when you don't have a partner.
I want you to at least have fifteen things on
that list. I know I feel like a drill sergeant,
but I want results. Fifteen things on your single bucket list,
(28:02):
and now you've got those, I want you to choose
two of them and plan to do something about it.
This week, and then after that methodically tick them off
and every time you complete to add two more On
the main point of this question, if I knew I
would make the love of my life in six months,
(28:23):
what would I do? The main point is again it
takes the worry off the table. It's no longer a consideration,
and so all your focus is just on your ambitions
and your desires. And you know what, if you do
want a romantic relationship in the future, which of course
most of us do, and that's not the problem here,
(28:44):
but this exercise just encourages you to look at your
life and genuinely think about the kind of person you
would attract and you would want to be with based
on how you are living your current life. Are you
modeling the love that you would want to receive back?
Are you modeling the kind of person that you would
(29:05):
want to fall in love with? That's really like a
really deep question, like would you fall in love with you?
Because if the answer is known you wouldn't fall in
love with yourself first, then like there's probably a lot
of work you need to do because it shows that
there is probably like a deficit there in self esteem,
(29:25):
self knowledge, in goals, in inspiration that like another person
is never going to do anything about They're never going
to be able to fix it. My final piece of advice,
and this might not be everyone's cup of tea, but
going on from what we were just talking about, I
want you to do everything in your power during this
(29:46):
period of your life to become utterly obsessed with yourself
to the point of arrogance, to the point of vanity.
And I mean it. I want you to become obsessed
with yourself. That is one of the only ways I
see as being able to decenter romance or obsession from
somebody else. And listen, I'm not worried about any of
(30:09):
you going too far at all. I don't think you're
going to end up being these like egotistical maniacs. I
think if you're listening to a self help podcast about
decentering love, you've probably found yourself really lacking confidence in
the past, or being overwhelmed by dating or feeling really
struck by how dating heart is and struck by how
(30:31):
terrible you feel. So going heavy in the opposite direction
with this self obsession project, I think it's going to
be a good counterbalance to get you somewhere kind of
back in the center, maybe even further to the right,
of loving yourself and of genuinely thinking that you are amazing,
Like I need you to tell yourself daily, I am
(30:53):
a catch. Somebody would be lucky to have me. I
am talented, I am so I am so smart, I
am fantastic. I need you to be like all in
on celebrating yourself, all in on treating yourself like you
are the best person on the planet, because that's how
(31:14):
a partner should make you feel about yourself. And so
if somebody is turned off by you thinking great things
about yourself, it's because they don't think highly enough of you,
and they are intimidated by the fact that they can't
get away with the bare minimum because you don't like
yourself enough to not demand more. Being a little bit
self obsessed is the best barrier to entry for people
(31:37):
who are never going to treat you right. And it
allows you not to decenter love altogether, but to center
mediocre love because you know you already have a fantastic
thing going with you and yourself, Like the relationship you
have with yourself is amazing. It's the best one you're
ever gonna have. So some average person cannot get between
(32:00):
the love affair that you have with you, like they're
not worthy of it, if they don't match, if not exceed,
your self obsession and your level of love for yourself.
I really do feel decentering love is such an important
decision and thing that we should all aim to do,
whether you're in a relationship or not. Like during your twenties,
(32:21):
it really allows you to just ground yourself and like,
what do I want from my life? How much free
time would I have? How much energy and effort would
I have if this wasn't a priority, And what could
I do at that time? You know, when your time
and attention are distributed to things that you really care about,
(32:42):
your whole aura, your whole way of being is just
elevated and you just achieve, do see, believe, love more.
And I think that's a really play, a really great
place to be in before you start looking for somebody
else to add to that, you know, looking for someone
else to maybe feel parts of you that you weren't
(33:02):
able to feel yourself. If nothing else just proved to
yourself that you can just prove to yourself that yes,
having somebody might be and is nice. Worst comes to worst,
you might not need it because you really do have
like everything you have ever needed to make yourself happy.
And if you don't have everything you've ever needed to
make yourself happy, your friends definitely do, and your hobbies
(33:26):
definitely do, and your community definitely does, then you can
go looking for it in romantic love. So I hope
that you have enjoyed this episode. I hope you enjoyed
the discussion. Hopefully my passion came through on this. I
know it's ironic that, like, I've been with somebody who's
amazing for like three years, and yet I'm still able
(33:48):
to rant about this, mainly because I know that I
would not be with him and I would not have
found him if I hadn't gone through this or this
whole process myself. And it's not to say I do
it so that you can find love. I genuinely really
was like so detached from the outcome when I decentered
love in my twenties. Earlier in my twenties that I
(34:10):
really was happy with never finding anyone, and it's yeah,
just kind of surprised me. And my standards were high
and they continue to be high, and it just meant
that the love fit in perfectly with the life I'd
already built and continue to build for myself. So I
want that for you guys as well. And I do
really feel like this is a pathway to maybe not
find that, but to find just find peace, find peace
(34:32):
and like the chaos of dating. If you enjoyed this episode, again,
remember that this episode was also on YouTube, So if
you want to go and subscribe to our channel for
future video episodes, please feel free to do so. Make
sure that you are following me on Instagram at that
Psychology podcast. It's December in like a week, I feel
(34:53):
like in less than a week. So we have our
famous twelve Days of Guest episodes every December. I just
interview the coolest people that I've had the opportunity to
meet this year, and I get to, you know, bring
those conversations to you guys. So if you want to
be up to date with who we've got coming on
the podcast, we have a plastic surgeon, we have somebody
(35:13):
who runs a renaissance fair. We have financial consultants, we
have authors like all these cool people. Make sure you're
following us on Instagram and subscribe slash following wherever you
are listening right now, but until next time, stay safe,
be kind, be gentle with yourself, and we will talk
very very soon.
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back
(00:24):
to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners,
old listeners, or wherever you are in the world, it
is so great to have you here. Back for another
episode as we, of course break down the psychology of
our twenties. So the other day I did an episode
on the five biggest regrets I have about my twenties
(00:45):
so far, and one of those regrets that really stood
out to a lot of you was this regret I
have about focusing too much on dating in my early twenties.
I remember being nineteen in my college university dorm room
downloading Tinder and being like, this better get me a boyfriend,
(01:06):
Like I need a boyfriend. I need to fit in.
I need to have this like relationship that like others
can see and that's like going to feel amazing and
this is going to make me feel really great about myself.
And I got the boyfriend. It wasn't very satisfying. I
ended up back in this cycle of again and again
and again chasing validation from men, chasing validation from romantic partners.
(01:31):
That was actually pretty unfulfilling and took away a lot
of the time that I should have devoted to figuring
myself out, to traveling, exploring, putting time and effort into friendships.
You know, there was especially this relationship that I've spoken
about before, where you know, the very fact that I
(01:52):
was in that relationship cost me a lot of friendships,
and it's something that I still think about fairly often.
I still missed those friends so much, and I'm not
even in that relationship anymore, and it's a huge regret
of mine that romance often took precedence over not just
all other kinds of love, but just everything in my life. Nowadays,
(02:17):
we're seeing this incredible and I would also say a
personally really admirable trend of decentering men, decentering dating, taking
your time to find the right person, honoring your single years,
questioning what we sacrifice in a relationship as much as
what we think we gain. And I thought, what a
great time to investigate this trend of centering romance, decentering
(02:43):
men in our twenties, and doing so from a psychological perspective.
I want to talk about where this laser focus on
love comes from in our twenties, why it might be
holding us back in other areas of our lives, and
how we can decend to dating and needing to find
our person during this decade so that we can be
(03:05):
a little bit selfish, so that we can really focus
on ourselves, so that we can have all that time
and energy and effort and attention we put into others
just for us when I think we really need it
the most. So, without further ado, let's break down the
psychology behind the centering romance in our twenties. To start
(03:31):
us off, I think we should first look at why
we focus so much on love during this decade. During
these years, The first explanation, and the easiest explanation, is
simply that love is really wonderful, Like it is great.
I'm not going to pretend that it's not. You and
I both know it is life changing if it is
(03:52):
with the right person. The thing is, though nobody told
us how hard it would actually be to find the
right person. The storybook romances of our childhood, they are
actually pretty few and far between. But because our society
is based around ideals of marriage, unions, couples, families, we
(04:16):
often feel like, or at least I remember, feeling like
the rest of my life would not start, could not
start until I had firstly ticked off get a boyfriend
on my list, get into a relationship. Was this thing
that I had to do before, you know, I could
progress into the next phase of my life, before I
(04:37):
could truly be an adult. There is this huge societal
pressure to find somebody so that you can you know,
move in together, and then so that you can get married,
get a mortgage, get a dog, have a kid. And
that is a process that we feel very pressured to
begin it. And actually what is quite a young age,
(05:00):
like your early twenties were you're still like very very young,
and yet in the back of your mind there is
this constant fear of like the clock is ticking, all
the good ones are taken, my standards are just going
to get lower, the dating pool is going to get smaller.
I feel like we all know this script. I always
ask myself how much of this is really just about
social approval and social recognition, and how much of this
(05:23):
is actually purely about the other person and really caring
for them and having real, true, deep, passionate feelings for
another human. We are very naturally sensitive to what is
publicly celebrated. Obviously, we instinctually as humans seek harmony and conformity,
(05:43):
even if we think that we don't, and being in
a relationship is a goal and is something that is
very easy to recognize and applaud from the outside. It's
not that we are shallow, it's not that we are
only doing this because other people expect it from us.
It's just that we are very much aware and influenced
by society's expectations and the fact that romantic milestones monopolize
(06:10):
our sense of progress, even when our values are more
complex than that. You may have noticed this, like you
see a family member you haven't seen in a while.
Sometimes even you have conversations with your friends, and it's
never you know, how excited are you for the future,
or what's like the big thing that you're working on
(06:30):
right now? What are you excited about, what's your goal?
It's always so, do you have a boyfriend yet? Do
you have a girlfriend? Are you dating anyone? The conversation
always comes back to that, and it creates a lot
of anxiety, anxiety that influences our decision making. You know,
this is another thing that I think about a lot,
(06:51):
and that I really wish my younger self had thought
about a little bit more. Do you really want a boyfriend?
Do you really want a girlfriend or do you just
want the anxiety about being single to go away? Do
you actually want a relationship or would it just stop
you worrying about what you may be missing out on.
Do you want a partner or do you want people
(07:14):
to know that you have value because someone chows you?
This is all stemming from deep fears about whether we're worthy,
whether we are loved, whether we are accepted, whether we
have value. This fear of this anxiety pushes us from
a place of discernment, a place of rationality, intention, and value,
(07:35):
into a place of urgency, a place of impulsivity, blindness,
where we accelerate commitment not because the fit is strong,
not because we are even necessarily compatible, but because the
timeline that we are experiencing in our twenties feels very
fragile and feels very uncertain. What is the risk in this?
(07:56):
What is the risk in centering romance much and too
strongly in our twenties. The risk here is what we
refer to as narrative foreclosure. We have the partner, we
found the person on the dating app, and now that
we're in the relationship, and maybe we're a couple of
years down the line, we genuinely believe it's too late
(08:20):
to start over again. It's too late to get back
out there. So you tolerate less and less and less
and less, and an amazing relationship for this good relationship,
for this relationship that at least ticks the box of
being partnered. And you know what should really, I really
(08:40):
believe should scare us and scare you more than not
finding somebody is actually finding the wrong person and confusing
them with the right person. A lot of the time,
rushing into relationships or marriages very young is actually more
likely to see you broken up or divorce laid down
(09:01):
the line, because we are acting from a place again
of urgency rather than discernment, which causes us to just
choose wrong. A twenty thirteen study published in the General
Couple in Family Psychology actually found that sixty one percent
of couples who recently got a divorce decided that getting
married too young was one of the main factors their
(09:22):
relationship didn't work out. Simply being partnered when you're in
your early twenties because you feel like you have to
is not the same as being well matched, and is
not the same as having somebody you genuinely trust and
are compatible with. And the risk is that you have
this person and so you feel like a chapter in
(09:43):
your life has closed, maybe earlier than it should have.
You've given this person some of the best years of
your life, You've given them your youth, and then now
you're thirty forty and you're like, why did I do that?
Why was I in such a rush? I actually had
so much time, and I cannot get those years back.
The biggest reason I think that we should be decentering
romance in our twenties is because ultimately, this should be
(10:06):
your selfish decade. If you want to spend a month
in Greece, do it. If you want to move countries,
do it. If you want to change who you are
every four months, do it. Do you want to explore everything,
try it all, taste it all, see it all, do it?
Like Having these goals and ambitions for yourself requires focus,
(10:29):
and it requires time, and it requires you to be
really honest and in touch with who you are and
when you focus, when your focus is on romantic love
and romantic love only, don't confuse me. Your life is
not about you anymore. It is about this faceless, elusive
someone who will come into your life and save the day.
(10:51):
If you are waiting to be chosen before your life
really begins, you are going to contort yourself, change yourself,
lose yourself trying to impress somebody who might not even
make your life better than what it could have been
without them. So you lose your identity, you lose your priorities.
You also lose your time. You know, centering romantic possibilities
(11:15):
and centering dating is so time consuming it is it
takes up valuable mental energy getting to know somebody, applying
to all these messages on dating apps, constantly trying to
organize dates and remember whether they ghosted you or not,
like it's basically a full time job. I remember when
(11:36):
I was dating fairly intensely for a couple of years there.
If I had made a pie chart of what I
spent time thinking about, and I was like pursuing my education,
I had a really great job, I had hobbies still
fifty percent of the time, I would be thinking about men,
and I would be distracted by what they were thinking
(12:00):
about me, and it was all I could talk about
with my friends. It was so time consuming, and that
was time that I don't get back that I could
have used for rest or learning a new skill, or
making new friends, or being creative. And I really do
feel like it was in some ways wasted. I think
maybe on a deeper level, sometimes we do this. We
(12:23):
give up our time and we chase being chosen because
we just want to feel like we belong and we
want to feel like somebody sees us and loves us,
and that is a way to avoid truly being with ourselves.
We get a fast hit of safety or self esteem
in the text, in the plans, in the promises, of
(12:45):
being with somebody in their potential, and I think we
momentarily get a sense of relief that we might not
be lonely forever, that maybe we're not that terrible. Maybe
we do have And what we're really engaging in here
is emotional bypassing, we're using the attention of other people
(13:07):
to dodge the inner work because it feels safer to
do so. Oftentimes we think you know, when I'm in
a relationship, everything will change. I'll have the validation i'll need.
I'll be happy because somebody else has confirmed for me
that I have value. And the thing is is that
all that insecurity will still be there, and it will
(13:28):
probably be made worse by the fact that perhaps you
chose the first person who showed up at the front door,
or you changed in order to be chosen. And now listen,
it's fun today. You know I am in a long
term relationship with an amazing guy. I'm not saying like,
turn into a nun until you're thirty, But there is
a difference between dating being a part of your life
(13:49):
and dating consuming your life and consuming your time, energy, identity,
and sense of self worth. So after this short break,
what I want to do is explore a nuanced, balanced,
healthy approach to romance in our twenties that doesn't eliminate love.
(14:10):
Doesn't eliminate romantic love, but just decenters it from being
the main story we're trying to build for ourselves or
tell ourselves stay with us. In my humble opinion, I
do truly believe that romance should not, at any stage
(14:31):
in your life be the main focus of your world
except for maybe like on your wedding day. How I
describe it is my relationship and the love I feel
for my partner is not my whole world. It is
a separate universe for which I step into I get
to enjoy, but I also step out of because you know,
(14:54):
my world is my world, and me and my partner,
our relationship does kind of exist separately from that. The
moment that I'm spending too much time in this other universe,
or the moment that I feel like all my plans
and all my behaviors need to be about him or
(15:14):
are orientated towards him, This is like a really good
sign to plant my feet firmly back into my own
inner world and my own inner garden. So if you
want to descender love in your twenties, if you want
to have the world and then have the universe on
the side, here's what you're gonna do. Number one. Firstly,
(15:37):
you need to ask yourself do I have love to share?
We need to make sure our own cup is filled
up first. Then you need to make sure you have
enough in your cup to give to your loved ones.
Then you need to make sure you have enough in
your cup to give to the things you care about,
and if there is still something left over, then romantic
(15:58):
love can be a priority. This reflects something that we
call self determination theory, and this theory basically maps the
three needs that each of us should be fulfilling at
any given time, the need for relatedness, competence, and autonomy.
We need relatedness through friendship and community. We need competence
(16:20):
through learning and creativity, and we need autonomy by being
able to make our own decisions. When we are fulfilling
these three things, we can be discerning about love, and
we can be discerning and make a conscious, balanced choice
about what we are choosing to spend out time on.
(16:40):
If your cup is not overflowing, I don't think that
romantic love is going to make it flow anymore. And
if your cup is not overflowing and you want it
to be, I want to tell you how you can
make that. So, how can you give yourself? I guess more,
to give more, to give yourself, give others more, to
(17:00):
give your life. This is the thing you're going to do.
You are going to pick a mussogi challenge. Now. Musogi
is a Japanese term that is basically like a Shinto
ritual where people would take like a sacred pilgrimage to
a waterfall was a way to challenge themselves and then
they would like purify themselves under the water. That's like
(17:20):
the traditional version of a musogi in Japan. A modern
musogi refers to a significant, year defining challenge that we
really want to commit to and do that requires a
lot of focus and devotion on our behalf to this thing.
So basically, it's like a pact that you make with
a dream. You really have to just spend the year
(17:42):
giving it your all. A masogi could be writing a book,
it could be starting a podcast, running a marathon, launching
a company, completing a multi day hike, getting scuba certified,
building something, and it's basically meant to require deep commitment
and dedication you the same way you might deeply commit
and dedicate yourself to a relationship. So many of us
(18:05):
live passively, or so many of us focus on dating
because it feels like a worthy project. But when you
have a masogi, you are laser focused. You have things
to do. You have this task, this goal that is
deeply personal to you that you really care about that
nothing can get in the way of this devotion to yourself,
(18:27):
to a practice, to realizing a dream. It means that
you really only have space left in your life for
the kind of love that finds you organically and that
adds to your life. All these other kinds of love
that you may find on a dating app or that
maybe fickle or may come from people who aren't fully committing,
(18:48):
you have your masogi like. You don't have time for
those things. So it allows you, in a way to
be very discerning and to let only good love in
because you've got this big love here, You've got this
thing you're really dedicated to. It's very similar advice to
like getting a hobby right, It's just on a whole
new level. Here's the other thing. I think having a
(19:10):
devotional practice like a masogi, or having hobbies, having interests
that you may have lost in a previous relationship or
may have lost to your devotion to dating, it actually
makes you a much more magnetic person anyways, Like what
I have found time and time again, the less you
focus on dating, the more people like suddenly appear in
(19:31):
your life who are worthy of your love. You can
call it the law of detachment, you can call it
whatever you want to. But people who are committed to
themselves and to doing cool stuff because they want to
that is so hot. People are deeply attracted to that.
And I have found, like in the times where I've
been devoted to something outside of myself and I've been
(19:53):
really committed to making something and making something well and
doing something cool, like suddenly you look around and it's like, wait,
why are there's sudden all these prospects for me? Like
why they are all these people? It's because that mentorship
that you were experiencing through that changes how people see
you and changes how you relate to yourself and just
(20:13):
changes your energy field. Like I fully do believe it.
My next tip for decentering romance in your twenties is
to have a dating detox. I know I've spoken about
this a few times on the podcast. I really don't care.
It's just so worthwhile to do. If you have noticed
that dating is taking up a lot of space and energy,
have a break. I genuinely do believe that the same
(20:37):
way you can get burnt out at your job, you
can get dating burnout. You can feel so deeply exhausted
and disillusioned that dating is a chore to you rather
than something that gives you energy. You are in this
position of like I just want to find somebody so
I don't have to do this anymore. I just want
to finish this task at my job so I don't
(20:58):
have to worry about it. This isn't a job. Dating
isn't a job. It is not something that your livelihood
depends on. You can just quit the rat race. You
can quit the dating rat race and just say I
don't want to do this for a while. This is
where I think the biggest challenge comes about, because what
(21:18):
you have to fight against is really your milestone anxiety
and the part of you that might say you're never
going to find anyone. You know, you can't take a
break now. The clock is ticking, like if you don't
find somebody soon, like it's all going to be over
for you. Like come on, keep going, you're going to struck.
You're going to strike gold soon. And the thing is
is like you're not running out of time. Three months
(21:41):
of dating isn't going to kill you, six months of
not being on the apps isn't going to ruin your life.
In fact, they think it's probably going to improve your life.
So delete or pause the apps, stop maintaining ambiguous connections
with random people. Use that free time for sleep, for exercise,
(22:01):
for self nourishment, for plans for work. And yes, you
might expect a few restless days while your habits are
just but I think it settles after a while and
you realize, like, I don't really need this anymore. This
actually wasn't a worthwhile part of my life, at least
not the way that I was approaching it. And when
you do return, because of course you know you probably will,
(22:25):
I think you'll be able to examine the relationship you
have with these online connections, or with these apps, or
with people in a much more constructive way. After I
did my dating detox, Like I feel like this is
a very famous story on the podcast. The first person
I match with after I did my dating dtalks is
now my boyfriend of three years. But obviously I was
(22:47):
still like, you know, swiping at the same time as
when I had matched with him, and I came back
from my dating detalks with solid rules, like I had
rules for the people I match with. I can't remember
them exactly, but I think it was like twenty four
hours to message after matching, six hours to reply one
(23:11):
to two weeks to organize a date. Otherwise, like I
would seriously just unmatch these people. Anybody who stopped replying
after like a day, unmatched. Anybody who wasn't going to
plan a date, unmatched. Anybody who just like never actually
messaged me, unmatched, Like their profiles were digital cluttered to me.
It was taking up space in my mind to have them, like,
(23:34):
to have them there, to have the unanswered message, to
have the weeks long conversation just staring at me. And
when I put my foot down, I was like, how
you begin is how you you know, how you commit
to going on. So if these people aren't giving me
enough at the beginning, I don't have high expectations for
them in the future. Once I decided that, it was
(23:56):
so relieving, It was so peaceful. It was just like
a nice, stoic mindset. It was like, eh, it was
just like wow, I can just flow through this rather
than getting constantly stuck on these people who I thought
I had a future with. What you really have to
remember is like your time is precious, your mindset is precious,
(24:17):
Your environment, whether it is offline or online, is precious.
And none of like nobody who you have not met
yet who you don't have a deep connection with yet
is important enough for you to sacrifice that because you
don't even know them. You know yourself, you know that
you deserve love. You don't know if they deserve love yet,
(24:38):
So give that love that you may eventually give to
them to yourself until you can prove that they are next.
And maybe my favorite tip for decentering romance is to
start dating your friends. And no, I don't mean like
actually dating your friends. What I mean is like, start
pouring all that time energy I love back into these
(25:02):
plotonic relationships. Apply the same effort you use for dating
to your close bonds and close friendships. Put recurring plans
on the calendar, confirm them early in the week, choose venues,
get dressed up, and actually follow through. Make date nights
for your friends. I wish I did this more right now.
(25:25):
It's been a little bit chaotic for me with moving
to a new country and all, but I used to
host these like elaborate date nights for me and my friends,
like a couple months ago. Back in the day. I
would do them all the time, and it was like
themed dinner parties and like movie nights with like theme
snacks and life drawing nights and art nights and really
fun like dinner dates. And you know what, when I
(25:48):
was single, those moments were like ninety nine percent of
the time better than any date I ever went on.
And honestly, sometimes I would find myself like on a
date with a man and being like, damn, I really
wish like my best friend was here, Like I really
wish my girlfriends were here. Like genuinely giving these ties
the same love and attention that you usually hold for
(26:11):
romantic connections just creates such a beautiful opportunity for like
deep love in a new form. At the end of
the day, you know you can find the love of
your life tomorrow. Maybe you will, but like, they will
never be enough to sustain you if you don't have
these other platonic connections at your back, if you don't
(26:31):
have these other people who are going to show you
love and you show them love in a really important
and healthy way. Okay, My fifth tip is to ask
yourself the question if I knew I would find the
love of my life in six months, Like we just
spoke about, what would I do in the time I
have from then to now? What would I do before
(26:55):
I met them, and I've spoken about this a few times,
but I think this exercise works because it really asks
you to do away with the concerns of being single
and just pay attention to what you really want in
your life when you aren't distracted by this idea of
choosing or being chosen. You know what is on your
(27:18):
single bucket list? What skills do you want to learn,
What emotional wounds do you want to heal? What trips
do you want to take, What health goals do you have?
Financial targets, times spent with friends, times met with family,
What unfinished goals would you like to achieve as a
single person. I need you to make a single bucket
list of experiences and milestones that you think might be
(27:41):
better as a as a single person, that you think
would really contribute to your life, even when there's nobody
else with you, and even when you don't have a partner.
I want you to at least have fifteen things on
that list. I know I feel like a drill sergeant,
but I want results. Fifteen things on your single bucket list,
(28:02):
and now you've got those, I want you to choose
two of them and plan to do something about it.
This week, and then after that methodically tick them off
and every time you complete to add two more On
the main point of this question, if I knew I
would make the love of my life in six months,
(28:23):
what would I do? The main point is again it
takes the worry off the table. It's no longer a consideration,
and so all your focus is just on your ambitions
and your desires. And you know what, if you do
want a romantic relationship in the future, which of course
most of us do, and that's not the problem here,
(28:44):
but this exercise just encourages you to look at your
life and genuinely think about the kind of person you
would attract and you would want to be with based
on how you are living your current life. Are you
modeling the love that you would want to receive back?
Are you modeling the kind of person that you would
(29:05):
want to fall in love with? That's really like a
really deep question, like would you fall in love with you?
Because if the answer is known you wouldn't fall in
love with yourself first, then like there's probably a lot
of work you need to do because it shows that
there is probably like a deficit there in self esteem,
(29:25):
self knowledge, in goals, in inspiration that like another person
is never going to do anything about They're never going
to be able to fix it. My final piece of advice,
and this might not be everyone's cup of tea, but
going on from what we were just talking about, I
want you to do everything in your power during this
(29:46):
period of your life to become utterly obsessed with yourself
to the point of arrogance, to the point of vanity.
And I mean it. I want you to become obsessed
with yourself. That is one of the only ways I
see as being able to decenter romance or obsession from
somebody else. And listen, I'm not worried about any of
(30:09):
you going too far at all. I don't think you're
going to end up being these like egotistical maniacs. I
think if you're listening to a self help podcast about
decentering love, you've probably found yourself really lacking confidence in
the past, or being overwhelmed by dating or feeling really
struck by how dating heart is and struck by how
(30:31):
terrible you feel. So going heavy in the opposite direction
with this self obsession project, I think it's going to
be a good counterbalance to get you somewhere kind of
back in the center, maybe even further to the right,
of loving yourself and of genuinely thinking that you are amazing,
Like I need you to tell yourself daily, I am
(30:53):
a catch. Somebody would be lucky to have me. I
am talented, I am so I am so smart, I
am fantastic. I need you to be like all in
on celebrating yourself, all in on treating yourself like you
are the best person on the planet, because that's how
(31:14):
a partner should make you feel about yourself. And so
if somebody is turned off by you thinking great things
about yourself, it's because they don't think highly enough of you,
and they are intimidated by the fact that they can't
get away with the bare minimum because you don't like
yourself enough to not demand more. Being a little bit
self obsessed is the best barrier to entry for people
(31:37):
who are never going to treat you right. And it
allows you not to decenter love altogether, but to center
mediocre love because you know you already have a fantastic
thing going with you and yourself, Like the relationship you
have with yourself is amazing. It's the best one you're
ever gonna have. So some average person cannot get between
(32:00):
the love affair that you have with you, like they're
not worthy of it, if they don't match, if not exceed,
your self obsession and your level of love for yourself.
I really do feel decentering love is such an important
decision and thing that we should all aim to do,
whether you're in a relationship or not. Like during your twenties,
(32:21):
it really allows you to just ground yourself and like,
what do I want from my life? How much free
time would I have? How much energy and effort would
I have if this wasn't a priority, And what could
I do at that time? You know, when your time
and attention are distributed to things that you really care about,
(32:42):
your whole aura, your whole way of being is just
elevated and you just achieve, do see, believe, love more.
And I think that's a really play, a really great
place to be in before you start looking for somebody
else to add to that, you know, looking for someone
else to maybe feel parts of you that you weren't
(33:02):
able to feel yourself. If nothing else just proved to
yourself that you can just prove to yourself that yes,
having somebody might be and is nice. Worst comes to worst,
you might not need it because you really do have
like everything you have ever needed to make yourself happy.
And if you don't have everything you've ever needed to
make yourself happy, your friends definitely do, and your hobbies
(33:26):
definitely do, and your community definitely does, then you can
go looking for it in romantic love. So I hope
that you have enjoyed this episode. I hope you enjoyed
the discussion. Hopefully my passion came through on this. I
know it's ironic that, like, I've been with somebody who's
amazing for like three years, and yet I'm still able
(33:48):
to rant about this, mainly because I know that I
would not be with him and I would not have
found him if I hadn't gone through this or this
whole process myself. And it's not to say I do
it so that you can find love. I genuinely really
was like so detached from the outcome when I decentered
love in my twenties. Earlier in my twenties that I
(34:10):
really was happy with never finding anyone, and it's yeah,
just kind of surprised me. And my standards were high
and they continue to be high, and it just meant
that the love fit in perfectly with the life I'd
already built and continue to build for myself. So I
want that for you guys as well. And I do
really feel like this is a pathway to maybe not
find that, but to find just find peace, find peace
(34:32):
and like the chaos of dating. If you enjoyed this episode, again,
remember that this episode was also on YouTube, So if
you want to go and subscribe to our channel for
future video episodes, please feel free to do so. Make
sure that you are following me on Instagram at that
Psychology podcast. It's December in like a week, I feel
(34:53):
like in less than a week. So we have our
famous twelve Days of Guest episodes every December. I just
interview the coolest people that I've had the opportunity to
meet this year, and I get to, you know, bring
those conversations to you guys. So if you want to
be up to date with who we've got coming on
the podcast, we have a plastic surgeon, we have somebody
(35:13):
who runs a renaissance fair. We have financial consultants, we
have authors like all these cool people. Make sure you're
following us on Instagram and subscribe slash following wherever you
are listening right now, but until next time, stay safe,
be kind, be gentle with yourself, and we will talk
very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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