February 9, 2023 • 40 mins
This weeks episode we deep dive into the psychology self confidence and how we can master our sense of confidence and self assurance to be the best versions of ourselves. We discuss the elements that make up confidence, the impact of nature versus nurture and the difference between self confidence and arrogance. We also explore some of the evidence-based strategies that we can use to improve our self esteem and why “faking it till you make it” is more than just a saying. Listen now!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
(00:30):
you are in the world. So amazing to have you
here for another episode. Today, we're talking about something that
I think we all naturally struggle with, especially in our twenties,
and that is self confidence. A very lovely listener of
the show actually messaged me about her own struggles with
(00:53):
self confidence and self love, so this episode is dedicated
to her and her want full episode idea. Confidence is
such a valuable feeling and a valuable attitude to have,
but sometimes it can be really hard to believe in ourselves,
to believe in our own abilities and our bodies, our appearance,
(01:16):
our value to the world. And I think this is
especially the case in our twenties. You know, a decade
that is defined by confusion, by uncertainty, massive shifts in
how we perceive ourselves. You know, there is this very
I think widespread romanticization or romanticism about our twenties as
(01:40):
our golden years where we are young and free, we're
able to reinvent ourselves and kind of run wild across
the world. But all of those experiences and those expectations,
they come hand in hand with a lot of confusion
and at times some pretty man plunges in our confidence
(02:03):
and our self esteem and our confidence it can be
altered by so many factors, like comparison to those around us,
you know, exploring our identity and sometimes not coming up
with the right answers. Maybe your confidence has been damaged
by the pressure to have it all figured out, you know,
these financial pressures, fail, your rejections, social media. The list
(02:27):
is really endless, and all of these things can take
a massive toll on our self worth as we kind
of attempt to navigate this very strange and confusing chapter.
But I do honestly think that life is too short
to not be the most confident version of yourself, to
(02:49):
not love yourself more than anyone else can in the world,
to not completely embrace every part of you, you know,
the good, the bad, the uther, and just be unafraid
of what other people may think. And if you are
struggling with a lack of confidence, you know, you are
not the only one that is for sure. But also
(03:12):
we can change that. We have the power. You know,
we all know those people who are able to remain
really sure of themselves no matter what, who can walk
into a room and captivate it, who are magnetic and
self assured, And you can be that person. And as
we'll explore in this episode, confidence is very much derived
(03:37):
from our own self perception and internal ideas of where
we fit in the world, and so much of that
self perception is actually within our control. We all want
to be confident, you know. The saying goes that confidence
is our most attractive feature, but it's also not something
that we gain overnight. So in today's episode, we are
(04:00):
going to break down the psychology of building up our
self confidence and our self love, especially in our twenties,
from the very elements and foundations of confidence, to the
reasons why we sometimes struggle with loving ourselves, and finally
some of those everyday habits that we can use to
(04:23):
improve our self confidence. There's so much in this episode,
so much valuable research, so much valuable psychology, So let's
get into it and get to the bottom of how
we can be the most confident versions of ourselves. Confidence
(04:47):
is a concept I think we all understand or have
some idea of, but just to provide a bit of
a refresher. Essentially, it refers to the feeling or belief
that we have in our own self worth and in
our own value. I think that confidence is a highly
subjective experience, and it relates to different attributes for different people.
(05:10):
You know, perhaps when you're listening to me speak about confidence,
you're thinking about it as it relates to your appearance,
or your body, or your fashion choices, but it can
also relate to things like your intelligence, how confident you
are in your opinions, in your work performance, in your
life choices. Your interpretation is really entirely up to you,
(05:35):
but also entirely different from someone else's. Essentially, self confidence
it stems from self esteem, which is an entirely and
very personal element of our being, and self esteem is
made up of a number of different factors, like our
sense of identity, our sense of belonging, our resilience, the
(05:57):
support structures that we have around us, us and our
childhood experiences as well. All of these things they have
an impact on, you know, what exactly. We may feel
insecure about our self esteem and therefore the level of
confidence that we're going to have in our day to
day lives. Every individual is going to have varying levels
(06:22):
of confidence. And you know, there are some people out
there who are very naturally confident, more than you know
any other person, and there's a reason behind that our
level of confidence. They're actually very much directly aligned to
this interaction between nature and nurture. I want to kind
(06:46):
of go into this a little bit more because I
think it is so interesting. But essentially, your confidence comes
from both biological and genetic factors like your temperament, but
also environmental factors like how you were raised or how
your parents treated you, or those early childhood experiences. So
(07:07):
let's consider two children here to kind of shed some
more light on this idea. So one of them from
childhood has had a really bubbly and uninhibited temperament. They
have shown themselves to be really curious and inquisitive and
very vocal, and they had parents or caregivers who encouraged them,
(07:29):
who validated their feelings, validated their opinions, allowed them to
take risks and be authentic. And then we have this
other person, and as a child, they were naturally very quiet.
They preferred to be in their own world and spend
time with themselves. And they also had parents who weren't
(07:50):
so encouraging, who didn't give them the space and the
security to explore the world and to explore their interests.
You know, maybe they spoke down to them and altered them.
These two children are going to become entirely different adults
because of that combination of factors, because of that combination
(08:12):
of personality, of their kind of internal biology and their temperament,
and also the environment. And you know, if, for example,
that second child's parents had been really encouraging, full of
love and compliments and opportunities to learn, maybe things would
have turned out differently, but maybe not. Sometimes our instincts
(08:35):
and our temperament really do take over. But that doesn't
mean that your destiny is sealed. And will discuss this
a bit later, But there are so many amazing ways
to nurture your own self worth and your own value
without needing external validation or I guess, allowing otherose opinions
to really dominate your own opinion of yourself. I think
(08:59):
there is also an important distinction between confidence and arrogance.
Confidence is a really attractive quality. It's beautiful because when
we display confidence and self assurance, we demonstrate that we
respect ourselves, that we trust our decisions and our worth,
but also that we're open to others. We're not afraid
(09:21):
of others opinions. We're willing to take on board what
they have to say because we are afraid of criticism
or the opportunity to become a better person. I think
confidence the reason it is so attractive and so beautiful
is because it contains that really healthy balance between self
(09:42):
respect and respect for others. And in contrast, arrogant people,
they're normally absolutely blind to the value and the growth
that other people can offer them. They're completely firm in
their belief that they are always right, that they are
the glue that kind of binds the world together, that
everyone is constantly admiring them because they have no faults,
(10:05):
they never make mistakes. These people are unpleasant to be
around because of this inflated sense of self importance. And
if you have an arrogant person in your life, be
that you know a coworker, a friend, a family member,
you might also notice how difficult it is for them
to have a conversation about anything. Other than themselves or
(10:27):
their lives, or to have a conversation that isn't completely
dominated by their opinion. They're also really uncompromising and stubborn,
like I said, very unpleasant and very different from someone
who has a healthy, balanced level of confidence. And I
don't think that is the kind of person we're striving
to be right. We're not striving to be someone who
(10:50):
can never take on board other's opinions, who doesn't have
enough respect for themselves to realize that other people can
say things about them and maybe be wrong, also maybe
be right. You know, we want to be self assured,
We want to display a great deal of trust in
ourselves whilst not being overbearing on those around us or
(11:11):
unable to take feedback. But even the most confident individuals
in our lives, even the most arrogant people in our lives,
they're always going to have insecurities. Much like confidence, I
guess insecurity is also highly subjective. You know. I was
(11:31):
having this conversation with my friend the other day about
a photo that was taken of her and someone that
we knew posted it online and I screen chotted it
and I sent it to her being like, you look
absolutely gorgeous in this photo because she really did. She
looked amazing, and her response was so interesting because she
absolutely hated it. What we notice and dislike about ourselves
(11:56):
is so subjective compared to how other people see us,
and aside from our own individual evaluations of our features
and our abilities and our characteristics that will ultimately impact
on our confidence levels, there are some other events and
experiences that I think can be really disruptive and I
think can be very much linked to those drops in
(12:19):
self esteem. The first one is really big life events.
And I know that doesn't sound very logical or very
much related to self confidence, but it really is, because
in those moments where you know, maybe we've been fired,
we've lost a close family member, we've just graduated from UNI,
(12:40):
these situations force us into new experiences that we don't
really have the skills or the capabilities to cope with yet,
so we're not confident in our experiences. Those periods of uncertainty,
those periods of confusion where things are kind of changing
(13:00):
all around us, they can really shake our core values
and also shake our self esteem because previously we kind
of knew the lay of the land, right, we knew
what was happening. We were comfortable, but when a big
wrecking ball kind of comes in and disrupts that, suddenly
we don't have that confidence in our own abilities because
everything is new. I think also certain relationships that we
(13:23):
have are really really critical and impactful on how we
see ourselves. I will always remember this guy I was
dating in late twenty twenty one, and he always used
to make these little comments about the things I did,
or my podcast or my essays at UNI, and those
(13:45):
little comments, those little things that he said that you
weren't a big deal in the moment, they kind of
slowly chipped at my confidence. Right now and in this
moment a few years on, I can't remember his exact words,
but I remember how I felt and how much they
distorted my self image and my self worth. The things
(14:07):
that others say, the relationships that we have, and the
attitudes that those people have towards us, the respect that
they show us, they're going to be hugely impactful on
our confidence. I'm sure for anyone who's listening to this
who's had maybe a narcissistic partner or someone who's spoken
down to them will relate to that. Right, we care
(14:28):
about those people who are closest to us and we
care about their opinion, so what they have to say
can really hurt. So sometimes it's worth evaluating close relationships
and kind of appraising whether the things they say to
you make you feel better, make you feel good about yourself,
or bring you down. Another huge one social media and comparison.
(14:52):
I really do I need to say more. The content
that we see online can be so triggering and detrimental
to our confidence. You know, people with perfect bodies, perfect lives,
perfect skin, perfect jobs, perfect relationships. It's hard to remember
that not all of that is real. It's a bit
(15:13):
of a facade. It's a highlight reel. And I did
a whole episode on kind of how we can stop
comparing ourselves to others. But the links between social media
and self confidence are endless. You know, there was research
done in Australia, I think a few years back, and
it shows that the more time you spend on social media,
(15:35):
the more you're going to compare yourself to others. And
this social comparison, it's linked to things like lower self esteem,
poorer confidence levels, and higher social anxiety. So if you're feeling,
you know, maybe a bit down at the moment you're
unable to tap into that kind of tenacity and that
belief in yourself. Maybe it's important to reevaluate your relationship
(16:00):
with others, but also your relationship with comparison and social
media in particular. And this is really important for what
I want to discuss next, because the opinions of others
and the comparison that we create with them is without
a doubt one of the most influential factors that it's
going to impact our confidence levels. But despite all of
(16:21):
these obstacles, all of these challenges and environmental factors and barriers,
we can restore and build our self confidence. That is
something that we have agency over, something that we are
in control of. All of that and more. In just
a second, I really want to dive into how we
(16:45):
can build self confidence, which is essentially the core theme
of this episode, and I want to do this especially
if you're someone who doesn't find that confidence comes naturally
to you. I think massive inhibitor for feeling confident and
sure of ourselves, particularly in social situations, is a fear
(17:08):
of what others are thinking of us, And I want
to talk about how we can change our mindset to
kind of discard these fears. The truth is that we
place a lot of weight on other people's judgments because
we are pack animals who evolutionarily really required the approval
of our social groups and our peers to survive, and
(17:30):
that instinct remains, and part of that instinct is being
very aware of the opinions of others and trying to
control them. You know, have you ever tried on an
outfit that you absolutely loved and then as soon as
you left the house you suddenly felt really uncomfortable and
worried about what other people were thinking, Or you know,
(17:53):
you suddenly feel really embarrassed about something that you've said
in a group situation that I'm sure you know people
around you have quickly forgotten, Or you've met new people
and you're carefully kind of choosing every movement, every word, choice,
closely examining how they're responding to you. That is a
direct result of that instinctual urge. And in those moments
(18:16):
we don't feel particularly confident. And for many people, it
feels easy to feel sure of ourselves and to speak
our mind and where what we want when we're alone
or amongst close friends and family, but not so much
in the presence of strangers or people that we don't
know that well. But here's a little secret that I
(18:37):
think we often forget. Nobody is looking at you as
closely as you're examining yourself. Those feelings you have, worrying
if you look nice, if you're breathing too loudly on
the bus, if people find you annoying, everyone else around
you is having those exact same fears about themselves. We're
(18:59):
all in our own little selfish bubbles, I guess, and
acknowledging that is probably one of the most freeing realizations
that we can have, because the truth is that no
one cares as much as you do, and those people
that do, well, that's new. You know, It's really not
your problem, honestly, you know, seriously, ask yourself in those moments,
(19:22):
what does it matter if that person doesn't like me?
Why is their opinion important? Often we place a lot
of emphasis on what we expect people to think of
us because we are projecting our own inner critic, and
our inner critic is essentially this little voice in our
head that likes to point out everything that we've done wrong,
(19:45):
every reason that we are unlovable and unlikable. It demeans us,
and often the way that it does this is by
using the presence of other people to stifle us and
to make us self conscious, because often we care more
about what other people think of us than we think
about ourselves. And that's why the potential opinions of others
(20:09):
is leveraged by our inner critic to keep us from
feeling good about ourselves. But our inner critic it loses
that power when we essentially take away its main ammo
or its main weapon, which is caring about the opinions
of others. And I think one of the biggest things
that I've personally learned in my twenties is that people's
(20:30):
perceptions of me are their decision and it's their problem,
not mine. You know. Psychology shows that people are always
going to enter into an interaction or an environment with
the pre existing expectation or a schema, and a schemer
is essentially their individual internal structure for organizing information, for
(20:52):
making quick judgments or appraisals of a situation, including the
people within it. These ways of judging the world are
influenced by a lot of things, and it means that
when we enter into a new situation, our brain is
unconsciously telling us what to pay attention to, what information together,
(21:14):
what immediate judgments to make, and these schemes or ways
of seeing the world, they're not only hard to change,
but they're also highly individual. So if someone sees you
doing something and makes an assumption about you based on
your clothes or your walk or how loud you are,
or whatever it is that has nothing to do with you,
(21:37):
the next person you know, you see in the street
is going to have an entirely different schema and therefore
an entirely different image of you, And you can't control that.
So you really have no choice but to just I guess,
be yourself, rather than trying to change to make everyone
like you, because how they see you is their problem.
(21:57):
It's an individual issue. Isn't that so liberating? That realization
that no one cares as much as we do, and
even if they did, we don't have to care. I
think I really find a lot of peace in this understanding.
But if it's something that you still find really difficult
to come to terms with or accept, I also think
(22:20):
it's really worth reminding ourselves about, you know, the finality
of life and the transitory kind of nature of so
many of our interactions that person whose opinion you care
so much about. That person does not matter. They'll probably
never see you again. And I want you to do
this thought exercise with me for a second. Can you
(22:43):
remember the last stranger that you judged? And why can
you remember the last person you saw and you thought,
you know what, I really don't like their outfit or
their laugh is really obnoxious. What was that person actually wearing?
What did that person look like? What was their name?
That person with a loud laugh or whatever it is.
(23:05):
How often do you actually think about them? These are
details that we can rarely remember, and the same goes
for other people's momentary and transitory perceptions of us. They
pass and within a few minutes it's really not going
to matter. And you may be thinking, you know, well,
what about people whose opinions do impact me, like coworkers
(23:28):
or acquaintances. Here's the thing, and be prepared for a
bit of existential shock. But every single one of those
people is going to die one day, and so are you.
And those opinions they had of you, they are not
going to matter. They're not going to matter in five years.
They're not going to matter. When you're kissing your grandchildren,
(23:50):
or when you're on your deathbed. So why should they
matter right now? And why not be your true, authentic
self in this moment. Why not be the most confident
version of you to wear what you want, express your
opinions because you know they matter, say what you feel,
speak your truth, trying new things even if you think
(24:11):
you're going to fail. You know, like I said at
the beginning of this episode, when you realize that life
is too short to care about what others think, When
you realize that what other people think about you is
their problem and not yours, I think the next chapter
of our life really begins, and it's a chapter that's
really defined by confidence. Definitely easier said than done, though,
(24:36):
I will say, so what I really want to do
is kind of guide us through some of the tips
and strategies that I use to really create and build
myself confidence in the moments when it doesn't really come naturally. Firstly,
sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it.
You know, it's not just a saying. It's a real
(24:58):
psychological experience when we change the way we perceive ourselves,
even if it's by lying to ourselves for a bit
or convincing ourselves that we feel differently to how we
may internally. This is still going to alter how we
act towards ourselves. You know, it's like you're playing a part,
(25:20):
the part of a confident person that's soon, you know,
not going to feel so fake anymore. And I know
it sounds insincere, but using this principle really does allow
us to cultivate an attitude of confidence that we may
not otherwise have. It's the same reason why you know,
forcing yourself to smile for even a few minutes is
(25:42):
going to make you happier, even if just for a moment,
because by faking it, our brains react to that and
begin to feel it. Psychologists have actually studied this idea
and this saying to fake it till you make it,
to assess whether there's been any truth behind it, whether
it's wrecked and not just a popular phrase. Turns out
(26:03):
it is, turns out that it really does mean something.
We can alter so much about how we feel our confidence,
our happiness, our mood by how we actively choose to behave.
In a very well known study that I'm sure you've
(26:23):
heard of if you studied psychology and UNI, researchers found
that they could enhance the mood of participants by simply
asking them to just fake a smile. And the same
goes for confidence. If they asked people to pretend that
they were playing a part, that they were in a
(26:45):
play or a movie, and their character was this really confident,
self assured individual. They found that after they'd engaged in
this kind of play, after they'd engaged in this experiment,
the people who were acting actually did feel more confident.
And I truly do believe that altering your mindset and
(27:06):
attitude will translate to authentic confidence. You tell yourself that
you are the most magnetic person in any room, that
people are drawn to you, that they want to hear
what you have to say. Tell yourself that your contributions
are worthwhile. Tell yourself that you are confident. Act the part.
(27:26):
It works, I promise it really does work. It completely
changes how we behave I think this links really nicely
to my next tip that I really use religiously, which
is affirmations. And I know when I say that, when
I talk about affirmations, a lot of people immediately think
of manifestation and New Age enlightenment, but it has a
(27:50):
lot more to do with scientific evidence. And psychology than
you might think if you're not familiar with the concept. Essentially,
affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself, such
as I am confident or I am valuable, I deserve
to be happy, I attract love, I believe in myself.
(28:12):
And this may seem bizarre and maybe you're like, Okay, Gemma,
these are not the tangible, evidence based tips that I'm
used to. But there is genuine evidence and a real
proven psychological theory behind why affirmations actually improve our confidence,
and one of the key theories behind this is called
(28:32):
self affirmation theory. Essentially, this theory concludes that we have
the ability and the agency to build up our own
self image and restore it when it's damaged by negative
comments online or the nasty end of a relationship that
might damage our self esteem. Essentially, the theory concludes that
(28:54):
we can maintain and build our self confidence by telling
ourselves positive things, and when these are repeated enough, we
begin to believe them. Affirmations are part of that. They
can really help strengthen our self worth by boosting your
positive opinion of yourself as well as your outward confidence,
(29:14):
and this is also backed up by research. A study
done a few years back. It looked at people who
regularly practiced positive affirmations about themselves, and this was an
MRI study, so it particularly looked at how the brain
reacted to this practice, and the researchers they found that
(29:35):
there are specific neural pathways and areas of the brain
that are involved in confidence and positive valuation and positive
opinions about ourselves that lit up as soon as we
started practicing positive affirmations. These neural pathways just shone so bright.
These areas of the brain showed immense activity, and that
(30:00):
kind of goes to that point when we say positive
things to ourselves like I am confident, I am a
good person, I am nice, I am deserving of the
things that happen to me, of the good things that
happened to me, our brain starts to have a more
positive opinion of us. Affirmations also have the amazing kind
(30:21):
of healing effect or benefit I guess, of reducing rumination,
which is the tendency to get stuck on negative thoughts,
and also promoting a positive and optimistic outlook or mindset.
So you're not just improving your confidence, but the whole
package deal here. Next, I think creating an environment cultivating
(30:42):
the relationships, the hobbies and activities that bring out our
strengths can do wonders on our self love journey, the
reason being that they allow us to connect with our
core values and self perception. In these instances, when we
are doing things that we love interacting with the people
(31:03):
that we love, we feel our most authentic, and from
authenticity flows confidence. If you're feeling low struggling with loving yourself,
go and do something that you know that you're good
at and that you know that you enjoy. Maybe it's
your daily word or or providing really good advice to
(31:25):
a friend, or going for a run. Doing things that
we're good at and even better working towards being better
at them, not just for others, but for ourselves. It
brings out our self confidence because it promotes internal rather
than external validation. Internal validation is so important here because
(31:48):
it rests solely on our own individual perceptions of ourselves
rather than others. So we essentially get internal validation when
we do things that align with our core sense of
selves and that we feel proud of. So when we
promote internal validation, it's more within our control. How we
(32:09):
feel about ourselves, our confidence is more within our control.
You know, people who base their self esteem on external
validation and what other people think rather than what we
think about ourselves, they tend to have poorer self self confidence.
And this is because, like we said before, the opinions
of others are not within our control. They can be
(32:32):
really inconsistent and fickle, and they often result in us
focusing more on pleasing others out of fear of their judgment,
rather than making ourselves happy. I think it also perpetrates
a very toxic cycle whereby the more we need validation
from others, the more that it isn't enough, and we
(32:54):
crave it without ever really sitting down and questioning whether
we like our selves. Internal validation is your best friend,
and there are ways that we can encourage it. One
exercise that my therapist told me to do, which I
found so so valuable, is to write down five things
(33:17):
that you love about yourself, Not things that other people
necessarily like about you, not things to do with your appearance,
but core parts of your being, core parts of your
personality that you love. And I think when she had
me do this exercise, I said things like, I love
how motivated I am or I love that I'm really decisive,
(33:41):
And then she asked me to consciously recognize every time
I did something that aligned with that quality that I loved,
and it really helped. I would really recommend because it
builds up the validation that you have for yourself. You
no longer need to look to other people to feel confident.
If you can say yourself like, wow, I'm amazing, I
(34:02):
can't believe I did that, or think about how much
you've achieved, or wow, I'm so motivated and I can
see that I'm motivated in my actions, we become naturally
more confident. I think a lot of these tips are
concerned with changing our internal self perception rather than things
about our our appearance or our environment. But you know, honestly,
(34:26):
sometimes there is nothing better than wearing something you really
love and putting on an amazing song and strutting down
the street to improve your confidence, or just you know,
really liking a photo that you look great in, or
a random compliment from a stranger. You know, the other week,
this older lady at the bookshop said I had really
(34:47):
nice eyes. And let me tell you, the confidence from
that lasted for at least a week. It was so
affirming because sometimes we do need external validation. It feels good,
and I know I focused a lot on our own
internal perspective and opinion of ourselves. But it doesn't mean
(35:08):
that you need to disregard anything nice someone says to
you or does for you, because it does really feel good.
It's just about finding that healthy balance and recentering yourself
on what matters. I truly, truly believe that self confidence,
self love, self assurance. It's not about our environment. It's
(35:32):
not about how you look or any kind of external factors.
It's about your internal and individual perception. And you can
change your appearance as much as you want. But if
you don't know, don't address your internal insecurities and how
you feel about yourself. There is no diet, there is
(35:53):
no fashion choice, no exercise habit, no makeup in the
world that is going to make you feel better about
yourself if your internal perception and if your mind isn't
already on board. Confidence is an internal process that can
be aided by, you know, really positively affirming who you
(36:15):
are by saying those statements to yourself that I am confident,
I am valuable, I am attractive, I find myself attractive.
My body does what I want it to do. I
don't need to care about what other people think about it,
or you know, I like what I'm wearing. Your opinion
is the only one that really matters in these instances,
and really staying focused on that, not letting other people's
(36:39):
negative criticisms or even your expectations of what they may
think about you impact on your own self worth, I think,
is really the secret ingredient to feeling really, really confident.
I think it's important to remind ourselves that there are
going to be days where we do not feel amazing
about ourselves where you are not confident. That's totally normal,
(37:04):
like any feeling, like any attitude, it ebbs and flows.
But researching this episode, really understanding where confidence comes from,
what impacts it, I think what it made me realize
was that it is actually something within my control, and
that there are so many instances in which I don't
put my opinion of myself first. I put the opinion
(37:26):
of someone else, and sometimes that can actually lead us
into situations in which we're doing things that we know
that don't really align with our values. Recentering yourself at
the center of your own world is so important, and
I don't think it means you have to completely dismiss
everyone else's opinions. But practicing that self love, practicing those affirmations,
(37:50):
listening to amazing freaking music, and dancing around in your underwear,
if that's what makes you feel really, really good, that's
what you should do, because it really is up to
you to kind of engage with how you feel and
change your environment, change your internal attitudes to reflect how
you want to be. I think that's all we have
(38:12):
time for today, but thank you for following along. I
had such an amazing time thinking about this, exploring this,
researching this. Like I said, confidence, it is a huge,
huge element of our twenties, and it's something that can
be really confusing. It's something that can be really shaky.
(38:33):
It's something that we don't always have. But I promise
that you're getting there. I think I realize that I'm
getting there. Not every day is going to be amazing,
but those small, slow steps on our own self love
journey really do lead to long term impacts. And I
truly do believe that all of us can be the
(38:53):
most confident versions of ourselves, all of us can love
ourselves like no other person can in this world, so
I really hope that you believe that as well. Thank
you for listening. Thank you for coming along this journey
with me if you feel inclined to do so. If
you did really enjoy this episode, please feel free to
(39:14):
leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever
you're listening right now. It really helps the show to
grow and to reach new people. If you want to
follow me on Instagram at that Psychology podcast, I take
episode suggestions. This was one of them. I thought it
(39:35):
was such an amazing idea, So if there's something that
you want to hear, please send it through. And also
it's just where I release new episodes and talk about
what's happening on the show, talk about merch If you
want to follow, you know, please feel free to do so.
And thank you so much for listening. I will be
(39:55):
back next week with another episode.
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
(00:30):
you are in the world. So amazing to have you
here for another episode. Today, we're talking about something that
I think we all naturally struggle with, especially in our twenties,
and that is self confidence. A very lovely listener of
the show actually messaged me about her own struggles with
(00:53):
self confidence and self love, so this episode is dedicated
to her and her want full episode idea. Confidence is
such a valuable feeling and a valuable attitude to have,
but sometimes it can be really hard to believe in ourselves,
to believe in our own abilities and our bodies, our appearance,
(01:16):
our value to the world. And I think this is
especially the case in our twenties. You know, a decade
that is defined by confusion, by uncertainty, massive shifts in
how we perceive ourselves. You know, there is this very
I think widespread romanticization or romanticism about our twenties as
(01:40):
our golden years where we are young and free, we're
able to reinvent ourselves and kind of run wild across
the world. But all of those experiences and those expectations,
they come hand in hand with a lot of confusion
and at times some pretty man plunges in our confidence
(02:03):
and our self esteem and our confidence it can be
altered by so many factors, like comparison to those around us,
you know, exploring our identity and sometimes not coming up
with the right answers. Maybe your confidence has been damaged
by the pressure to have it all figured out, you know,
these financial pressures, fail, your rejections, social media. The list
(02:27):
is really endless, and all of these things can take
a massive toll on our self worth as we kind
of attempt to navigate this very strange and confusing chapter.
But I do honestly think that life is too short
to not be the most confident version of yourself, to
(02:49):
not love yourself more than anyone else can in the world,
to not completely embrace every part of you, you know,
the good, the bad, the uther, and just be unafraid
of what other people may think. And if you are
struggling with a lack of confidence, you know, you are
not the only one that is for sure. But also
(03:12):
we can change that. We have the power. You know,
we all know those people who are able to remain
really sure of themselves no matter what, who can walk
into a room and captivate it, who are magnetic and
self assured, And you can be that person. And as
we'll explore in this episode, confidence is very much derived
(03:37):
from our own self perception and internal ideas of where
we fit in the world, and so much of that
self perception is actually within our control. We all want
to be confident, you know. The saying goes that confidence
is our most attractive feature, but it's also not something
that we gain overnight. So in today's episode, we are
(04:00):
going to break down the psychology of building up our
self confidence and our self love, especially in our twenties,
from the very elements and foundations of confidence, to the
reasons why we sometimes struggle with loving ourselves, and finally
some of those everyday habits that we can use to
(04:23):
improve our self confidence. There's so much in this episode,
so much valuable research, so much valuable psychology, So let's
get into it and get to the bottom of how
we can be the most confident versions of ourselves. Confidence
(04:47):
is a concept I think we all understand or have
some idea of, but just to provide a bit of
a refresher. Essentially, it refers to the feeling or belief
that we have in our own self worth and in
our own value. I think that confidence is a highly
subjective experience, and it relates to different attributes for different people.
(05:10):
You know, perhaps when you're listening to me speak about confidence,
you're thinking about it as it relates to your appearance,
or your body, or your fashion choices, but it can
also relate to things like your intelligence, how confident you
are in your opinions, in your work performance, in your
life choices. Your interpretation is really entirely up to you,
(05:35):
but also entirely different from someone else's. Essentially, self confidence
it stems from self esteem, which is an entirely and
very personal element of our being, and self esteem is
made up of a number of different factors, like our
sense of identity, our sense of belonging, our resilience, the
(05:57):
support structures that we have around us, us and our
childhood experiences as well. All of these things they have
an impact on, you know, what exactly. We may feel
insecure about our self esteem and therefore the level of
confidence that we're going to have in our day to
day lives. Every individual is going to have varying levels
(06:22):
of confidence. And you know, there are some people out
there who are very naturally confident, more than you know
any other person, and there's a reason behind that our
level of confidence. They're actually very much directly aligned to
this interaction between nature and nurture. I want to kind
(06:46):
of go into this a little bit more because I
think it is so interesting. But essentially, your confidence comes
from both biological and genetic factors like your temperament, but
also environmental factors like how you were raised or how
your parents treated you, or those early childhood experiences. So
(07:07):
let's consider two children here to kind of shed some
more light on this idea. So one of them from
childhood has had a really bubbly and uninhibited temperament. They
have shown themselves to be really curious and inquisitive and
very vocal, and they had parents or caregivers who encouraged them,
(07:29):
who validated their feelings, validated their opinions, allowed them to
take risks and be authentic. And then we have this
other person, and as a child, they were naturally very quiet.
They preferred to be in their own world and spend
time with themselves. And they also had parents who weren't
(07:50):
so encouraging, who didn't give them the space and the
security to explore the world and to explore their interests.
You know, maybe they spoke down to them and altered them.
These two children are going to become entirely different adults
because of that combination of factors, because of that combination
(08:12):
of personality, of their kind of internal biology and their temperament,
and also the environment. And you know, if, for example,
that second child's parents had been really encouraging, full of
love and compliments and opportunities to learn, maybe things would
have turned out differently, but maybe not. Sometimes our instincts
(08:35):
and our temperament really do take over. But that doesn't
mean that your destiny is sealed. And will discuss this
a bit later, But there are so many amazing ways
to nurture your own self worth and your own value
without needing external validation or I guess, allowing otherose opinions
to really dominate your own opinion of yourself. I think
(08:59):
there is also an important distinction between confidence and arrogance.
Confidence is a really attractive quality. It's beautiful because when
we display confidence and self assurance, we demonstrate that we
respect ourselves, that we trust our decisions and our worth,
but also that we're open to others. We're not afraid
(09:21):
of others opinions. We're willing to take on board what
they have to say because we are afraid of criticism
or the opportunity to become a better person. I think
confidence the reason it is so attractive and so beautiful
is because it contains that really healthy balance between self
(09:42):
respect and respect for others. And in contrast, arrogant people,
they're normally absolutely blind to the value and the growth
that other people can offer them. They're completely firm in
their belief that they are always right, that they are
the glue that kind of binds the world together, that
everyone is constantly admiring them because they have no faults,
(10:05):
they never make mistakes. These people are unpleasant to be
around because of this inflated sense of self importance. And
if you have an arrogant person in your life, be
that you know a coworker, a friend, a family member,
you might also notice how difficult it is for them
to have a conversation about anything. Other than themselves or
(10:27):
their lives, or to have a conversation that isn't completely
dominated by their opinion. They're also really uncompromising and stubborn,
like I said, very unpleasant and very different from someone
who has a healthy, balanced level of confidence. And I
don't think that is the kind of person we're striving
to be right. We're not striving to be someone who
(10:50):
can never take on board other's opinions, who doesn't have
enough respect for themselves to realize that other people can
say things about them and maybe be wrong, also maybe
be right. You know, we want to be self assured,
We want to display a great deal of trust in
ourselves whilst not being overbearing on those around us or
(11:11):
unable to take feedback. But even the most confident individuals
in our lives, even the most arrogant people in our lives,
they're always going to have insecurities. Much like confidence, I
guess insecurity is also highly subjective. You know. I was
(11:31):
having this conversation with my friend the other day about
a photo that was taken of her and someone that
we knew posted it online and I screen chotted it
and I sent it to her being like, you look
absolutely gorgeous in this photo because she really did. She
looked amazing, and her response was so interesting because she
absolutely hated it. What we notice and dislike about ourselves
(11:56):
is so subjective compared to how other people see us,
and aside from our own individual evaluations of our features
and our abilities and our characteristics that will ultimately impact
on our confidence levels, there are some other events and
experiences that I think can be really disruptive and I
think can be very much linked to those drops in
(12:19):
self esteem. The first one is really big life events.
And I know that doesn't sound very logical or very
much related to self confidence, but it really is, because
in those moments where you know, maybe we've been fired,
we've lost a close family member, we've just graduated from UNI,
(12:40):
these situations force us into new experiences that we don't
really have the skills or the capabilities to cope with yet,
so we're not confident in our experiences. Those periods of uncertainty,
those periods of confusion where things are kind of changing
(13:00):
all around us, they can really shake our core values
and also shake our self esteem because previously we kind
of knew the lay of the land, right, we knew
what was happening. We were comfortable, but when a big
wrecking ball kind of comes in and disrupts that, suddenly
we don't have that confidence in our own abilities because
everything is new. I think also certain relationships that we
(13:23):
have are really really critical and impactful on how we
see ourselves. I will always remember this guy I was
dating in late twenty twenty one, and he always used
to make these little comments about the things I did,
or my podcast or my essays at UNI, and those
(13:45):
little comments, those little things that he said that you
weren't a big deal in the moment, they kind of
slowly chipped at my confidence. Right now and in this
moment a few years on, I can't remember his exact words,
but I remember how I felt and how much they
distorted my self image and my self worth. The things
(14:07):
that others say, the relationships that we have, and the
attitudes that those people have towards us, the respect that
they show us, they're going to be hugely impactful on
our confidence. I'm sure for anyone who's listening to this
who's had maybe a narcissistic partner or someone who's spoken
down to them will relate to that. Right, we care
(14:28):
about those people who are closest to us and we
care about their opinion, so what they have to say
can really hurt. So sometimes it's worth evaluating close relationships
and kind of appraising whether the things they say to
you make you feel better, make you feel good about yourself,
or bring you down. Another huge one social media and comparison.
(14:52):
I really do I need to say more. The content
that we see online can be so triggering and detrimental
to our confidence. You know, people with perfect bodies, perfect lives,
perfect skin, perfect jobs, perfect relationships. It's hard to remember
that not all of that is real. It's a bit
(15:13):
of a facade. It's a highlight reel. And I did
a whole episode on kind of how we can stop
comparing ourselves to others. But the links between social media
and self confidence are endless. You know, there was research
done in Australia, I think a few years back, and
it shows that the more time you spend on social media,
(15:35):
the more you're going to compare yourself to others. And
this social comparison, it's linked to things like lower self esteem,
poorer confidence levels, and higher social anxiety. So if you're feeling,
you know, maybe a bit down at the moment you're
unable to tap into that kind of tenacity and that
belief in yourself. Maybe it's important to reevaluate your relationship
(16:00):
with others, but also your relationship with comparison and social
media in particular. And this is really important for what
I want to discuss next, because the opinions of others
and the comparison that we create with them is without
a doubt one of the most influential factors that it's
going to impact our confidence levels. But despite all of
(16:21):
these obstacles, all of these challenges and environmental factors and barriers,
we can restore and build our self confidence. That is
something that we have agency over, something that we are
in control of. All of that and more. In just
a second, I really want to dive into how we
(16:45):
can build self confidence, which is essentially the core theme
of this episode, and I want to do this especially
if you're someone who doesn't find that confidence comes naturally
to you. I think massive inhibitor for feeling confident and
sure of ourselves, particularly in social situations, is a fear
(17:08):
of what others are thinking of us, And I want
to talk about how we can change our mindset to
kind of discard these fears. The truth is that we
place a lot of weight on other people's judgments because
we are pack animals who evolutionarily really required the approval
of our social groups and our peers to survive, and
(17:30):
that instinct remains, and part of that instinct is being
very aware of the opinions of others and trying to
control them. You know, have you ever tried on an
outfit that you absolutely loved and then as soon as
you left the house you suddenly felt really uncomfortable and
worried about what other people were thinking, Or you know,
(17:53):
you suddenly feel really embarrassed about something that you've said
in a group situation that I'm sure you know people
around you have quickly forgotten, Or you've met new people
and you're carefully kind of choosing every movement, every word, choice,
closely examining how they're responding to you. That is a
direct result of that instinctual urge. And in those moments
(18:16):
we don't feel particularly confident. And for many people, it
feels easy to feel sure of ourselves and to speak
our mind and where what we want when we're alone
or amongst close friends and family, but not so much
in the presence of strangers or people that we don't
know that well. But here's a little secret that I
(18:37):
think we often forget. Nobody is looking at you as
closely as you're examining yourself. Those feelings you have, worrying
if you look nice, if you're breathing too loudly on
the bus, if people find you annoying, everyone else around
you is having those exact same fears about themselves. We're
(18:59):
all in our own little selfish bubbles, I guess, and
acknowledging that is probably one of the most freeing realizations
that we can have, because the truth is that no
one cares as much as you do, and those people
that do, well, that's new. You know, It's really not
your problem, honestly, you know, seriously, ask yourself in those moments,
(19:22):
what does it matter if that person doesn't like me?
Why is their opinion important? Often we place a lot
of emphasis on what we expect people to think of
us because we are projecting our own inner critic, and
our inner critic is essentially this little voice in our
head that likes to point out everything that we've done wrong,
(19:45):
every reason that we are unlovable and unlikable. It demeans us,
and often the way that it does this is by
using the presence of other people to stifle us and
to make us self conscious, because often we care more
about what other people think of us than we think
about ourselves. And that's why the potential opinions of others
(20:09):
is leveraged by our inner critic to keep us from
feeling good about ourselves. But our inner critic it loses
that power when we essentially take away its main ammo
or its main weapon, which is caring about the opinions
of others. And I think one of the biggest things
that I've personally learned in my twenties is that people's
(20:30):
perceptions of me are their decision and it's their problem,
not mine. You know. Psychology shows that people are always
going to enter into an interaction or an environment with
the pre existing expectation or a schema, and a schemer
is essentially their individual internal structure for organizing information, for
(20:52):
making quick judgments or appraisals of a situation, including the
people within it. These ways of judging the world are
influenced by a lot of things, and it means that
when we enter into a new situation, our brain is
unconsciously telling us what to pay attention to, what information together,
(21:14):
what immediate judgments to make, and these schemes or ways
of seeing the world, they're not only hard to change,
but they're also highly individual. So if someone sees you
doing something and makes an assumption about you based on
your clothes or your walk or how loud you are,
or whatever it is that has nothing to do with you,
(21:37):
the next person you know, you see in the street
is going to have an entirely different schema and therefore
an entirely different image of you, And you can't control that.
So you really have no choice but to just I guess,
be yourself, rather than trying to change to make everyone
like you, because how they see you is their problem.
(21:57):
It's an individual issue. Isn't that so liberating? That realization
that no one cares as much as we do, and
even if they did, we don't have to care. I
think I really find a lot of peace in this understanding.
But if it's something that you still find really difficult
to come to terms with or accept, I also think
(22:20):
it's really worth reminding ourselves about, you know, the finality
of life and the transitory kind of nature of so
many of our interactions that person whose opinion you care
so much about. That person does not matter. They'll probably
never see you again. And I want you to do
this thought exercise with me for a second. Can you
(22:43):
remember the last stranger that you judged? And why can
you remember the last person you saw and you thought,
you know what, I really don't like their outfit or
their laugh is really obnoxious. What was that person actually wearing?
What did that person look like? What was their name?
That person with a loud laugh or whatever it is.
(23:05):
How often do you actually think about them? These are
details that we can rarely remember, and the same goes
for other people's momentary and transitory perceptions of us. They
pass and within a few minutes it's really not going
to matter. And you may be thinking, you know, well,
what about people whose opinions do impact me, like coworkers
(23:28):
or acquaintances. Here's the thing, and be prepared for a
bit of existential shock. But every single one of those
people is going to die one day, and so are you.
And those opinions they had of you, they are not
going to matter. They're not going to matter in five years.
They're not going to matter. When you're kissing your grandchildren,
(23:50):
or when you're on your deathbed. So why should they
matter right now? And why not be your true, authentic
self in this moment. Why not be the most confident
version of you to wear what you want, express your
opinions because you know they matter, say what you feel,
speak your truth, trying new things even if you think
(24:11):
you're going to fail. You know, like I said at
the beginning of this episode, when you realize that life
is too short to care about what others think, When
you realize that what other people think about you is
their problem and not yours, I think the next chapter
of our life really begins, and it's a chapter that's
really defined by confidence. Definitely easier said than done, though,
(24:36):
I will say, so what I really want to do
is kind of guide us through some of the tips
and strategies that I use to really create and build
myself confidence in the moments when it doesn't really come naturally. Firstly,
sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it.
You know, it's not just a saying. It's a real
(24:58):
psychological experience when we change the way we perceive ourselves,
even if it's by lying to ourselves for a bit
or convincing ourselves that we feel differently to how we
may internally. This is still going to alter how we
act towards ourselves. You know, it's like you're playing a part,
(25:20):
the part of a confident person that's soon, you know,
not going to feel so fake anymore. And I know
it sounds insincere, but using this principle really does allow
us to cultivate an attitude of confidence that we may
not otherwise have. It's the same reason why you know,
forcing yourself to smile for even a few minutes is
(25:42):
going to make you happier, even if just for a moment,
because by faking it, our brains react to that and
begin to feel it. Psychologists have actually studied this idea
and this saying to fake it till you make it,
to assess whether there's been any truth behind it, whether
it's wrecked and not just a popular phrase. Turns out
(26:03):
it is, turns out that it really does mean something.
We can alter so much about how we feel our confidence,
our happiness, our mood by how we actively choose to behave.
In a very well known study that I'm sure you've
(26:23):
heard of if you studied psychology and UNI, researchers found
that they could enhance the mood of participants by simply
asking them to just fake a smile. And the same
goes for confidence. If they asked people to pretend that
they were playing a part, that they were in a
(26:45):
play or a movie, and their character was this really confident,
self assured individual. They found that after they'd engaged in
this kind of play, after they'd engaged in this experiment,
the people who were acting actually did feel more confident.
And I truly do believe that altering your mindset and
(27:06):
attitude will translate to authentic confidence. You tell yourself that
you are the most magnetic person in any room, that
people are drawn to you, that they want to hear
what you have to say. Tell yourself that your contributions
are worthwhile. Tell yourself that you are confident. Act the part.
(27:26):
It works, I promise it really does work. It completely
changes how we behave I think this links really nicely
to my next tip that I really use religiously, which
is affirmations. And I know when I say that, when
I talk about affirmations, a lot of people immediately think
of manifestation and New Age enlightenment, but it has a
(27:50):
lot more to do with scientific evidence. And psychology than
you might think if you're not familiar with the concept. Essentially,
affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself, such
as I am confident or I am valuable, I deserve
to be happy, I attract love, I believe in myself.
(28:12):
And this may seem bizarre and maybe you're like, Okay, Gemma,
these are not the tangible, evidence based tips that I'm
used to. But there is genuine evidence and a real
proven psychological theory behind why affirmations actually improve our confidence,
and one of the key theories behind this is called
(28:32):
self affirmation theory. Essentially, this theory concludes that we have
the ability and the agency to build up our own
self image and restore it when it's damaged by negative
comments online or the nasty end of a relationship that
might damage our self esteem. Essentially, the theory concludes that
(28:54):
we can maintain and build our self confidence by telling
ourselves positive things, and when these are repeated enough, we
begin to believe them. Affirmations are part of that. They
can really help strengthen our self worth by boosting your
positive opinion of yourself as well as your outward confidence,
(29:14):
and this is also backed up by research. A study
done a few years back. It looked at people who
regularly practiced positive affirmations about themselves, and this was an
MRI study, so it particularly looked at how the brain
reacted to this practice, and the researchers they found that
(29:35):
there are specific neural pathways and areas of the brain
that are involved in confidence and positive valuation and positive
opinions about ourselves that lit up as soon as we
started practicing positive affirmations. These neural pathways just shone so bright.
These areas of the brain showed immense activity, and that
(30:00):
kind of goes to that point when we say positive
things to ourselves like I am confident, I am a
good person, I am nice, I am deserving of the
things that happen to me, of the good things that
happened to me, our brain starts to have a more
positive opinion of us. Affirmations also have the amazing kind
(30:21):
of healing effect or benefit I guess, of reducing rumination,
which is the tendency to get stuck on negative thoughts,
and also promoting a positive and optimistic outlook or mindset.
So you're not just improving your confidence, but the whole
package deal here. Next, I think creating an environment cultivating
(30:42):
the relationships, the hobbies and activities that bring out our
strengths can do wonders on our self love journey, the
reason being that they allow us to connect with our
core values and self perception. In these instances, when we
are doing things that we love interacting with the people
(31:03):
that we love, we feel our most authentic, and from
authenticity flows confidence. If you're feeling low struggling with loving yourself,
go and do something that you know that you're good
at and that you know that you enjoy. Maybe it's
your daily word or or providing really good advice to
(31:25):
a friend, or going for a run. Doing things that
we're good at and even better working towards being better
at them, not just for others, but for ourselves. It
brings out our self confidence because it promotes internal rather
than external validation. Internal validation is so important here because
(31:48):
it rests solely on our own individual perceptions of ourselves
rather than others. So we essentially get internal validation when
we do things that align with our core sense of
selves and that we feel proud of. So when we
promote internal validation, it's more within our control. How we
(32:09):
feel about ourselves, our confidence is more within our control.
You know, people who base their self esteem on external
validation and what other people think rather than what we
think about ourselves, they tend to have poorer self self confidence.
And this is because, like we said before, the opinions
of others are not within our control. They can be
(32:32):
really inconsistent and fickle, and they often result in us
focusing more on pleasing others out of fear of their judgment,
rather than making ourselves happy. I think it also perpetrates
a very toxic cycle whereby the more we need validation
from others, the more that it isn't enough, and we
(32:54):
crave it without ever really sitting down and questioning whether
we like our selves. Internal validation is your best friend,
and there are ways that we can encourage it. One
exercise that my therapist told me to do, which I
found so so valuable, is to write down five things
(33:17):
that you love about yourself, Not things that other people
necessarily like about you, not things to do with your appearance,
but core parts of your being, core parts of your
personality that you love. And I think when she had
me do this exercise, I said things like, I love
how motivated I am or I love that I'm really decisive,
(33:41):
And then she asked me to consciously recognize every time
I did something that aligned with that quality that I loved,
and it really helped. I would really recommend because it
builds up the validation that you have for yourself. You
no longer need to look to other people to feel confident.
If you can say yourself like, wow, I'm amazing, I
(34:02):
can't believe I did that, or think about how much
you've achieved, or wow, I'm so motivated and I can
see that I'm motivated in my actions, we become naturally
more confident. I think a lot of these tips are
concerned with changing our internal self perception rather than things
about our our appearance or our environment. But you know, honestly,
(34:26):
sometimes there is nothing better than wearing something you really
love and putting on an amazing song and strutting down
the street to improve your confidence, or just you know,
really liking a photo that you look great in, or
a random compliment from a stranger. You know, the other week,
this older lady at the bookshop said I had really
(34:47):
nice eyes. And let me tell you, the confidence from
that lasted for at least a week. It was so
affirming because sometimes we do need external validation. It feels good,
and I know I focused a lot on our own
internal perspective and opinion of ourselves. But it doesn't mean
(35:08):
that you need to disregard anything nice someone says to
you or does for you, because it does really feel good.
It's just about finding that healthy balance and recentering yourself
on what matters. I truly, truly believe that self confidence,
self love, self assurance. It's not about our environment. It's
(35:32):
not about how you look or any kind of external factors.
It's about your internal and individual perception. And you can
change your appearance as much as you want. But if
you don't know, don't address your internal insecurities and how
you feel about yourself. There is no diet, there is
(35:53):
no fashion choice, no exercise habit, no makeup in the
world that is going to make you feel better about
yourself if your internal perception and if your mind isn't
already on board. Confidence is an internal process that can
be aided by, you know, really positively affirming who you
(36:15):
are by saying those statements to yourself that I am confident,
I am valuable, I am attractive, I find myself attractive.
My body does what I want it to do. I
don't need to care about what other people think about it,
or you know, I like what I'm wearing. Your opinion
is the only one that really matters in these instances,
and really staying focused on that, not letting other people's
(36:39):
negative criticisms or even your expectations of what they may
think about you impact on your own self worth, I think,
is really the secret ingredient to feeling really, really confident.
I think it's important to remind ourselves that there are
going to be days where we do not feel amazing
about ourselves where you are not confident. That's totally normal,
(37:04):
like any feeling, like any attitude, it ebbs and flows.
But researching this episode, really understanding where confidence comes from,
what impacts it, I think what it made me realize
was that it is actually something within my control, and
that there are so many instances in which I don't
put my opinion of myself first. I put the opinion
(37:26):
of someone else, and sometimes that can actually lead us
into situations in which we're doing things that we know
that don't really align with our values. Recentering yourself at
the center of your own world is so important, and
I don't think it means you have to completely dismiss
everyone else's opinions. But practicing that self love, practicing those affirmations,
(37:50):
listening to amazing freaking music, and dancing around in your underwear,
if that's what makes you feel really, really good, that's
what you should do, because it really is up to
you to kind of engage with how you feel and
change your environment, change your internal attitudes to reflect how
you want to be. I think that's all we have
(38:12):
time for today, but thank you for following along. I
had such an amazing time thinking about this, exploring this,
researching this. Like I said, confidence, it is a huge,
huge element of our twenties, and it's something that can
be really confusing. It's something that can be really shaky.
(38:33):
It's something that we don't always have. But I promise
that you're getting there. I think I realize that I'm
getting there. Not every day is going to be amazing,
but those small, slow steps on our own self love
journey really do lead to long term impacts. And I
truly do believe that all of us can be the
(38:53):
most confident versions of ourselves, all of us can love
ourselves like no other person can in this world, so
I really hope that you believe that as well. Thank
you for listening. Thank you for coming along this journey
with me if you feel inclined to do so. If
you did really enjoy this episode, please feel free to
(39:14):
leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever
you're listening right now. It really helps the show to
grow and to reach new people. If you want to
follow me on Instagram at that Psychology podcast, I take
episode suggestions. This was one of them. I thought it
(39:35):
was such an amazing idea, So if there's something that
you want to hear, please send it through. And also
it's just where I release new episodes and talk about
what's happening on the show, talk about merch If you
want to follow, you know, please feel free to do so.
And thank you so much for listening. I will be
(39:55):
back next week with another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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