April 12, 2023 • 41 mins
This week we are joined by Lyss Boss, the host of Date Yourself Instead, to discuss dating in our 20's, particularly what it means to deliberately choose to be single, how we can learn from past relationships and heal our attachment styles. Alongside this we dive into the psychology behind karmic relationships, repeating toxic patterns in relationships and learning to move on through authenticity and creativity. Listen now!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. It
(00:30):
is so great to have you here back for another episode,
a super super exciting episode because we are being joined
by an incredible guest who I will let interest introduce
herself in just a second. But today we're going to
talk about dating in your twenties. It's a bit of
a series and that we've been doing on the podcast recently,
(00:54):
but today I really want to dive into knowing your worth,
dealing with rejection and moving on, and I thought who
better to come on and share their wisdom than lists
from the Date Yourself Instead podcast. Hello, how are you?
You're making me smile so much. I love her, I
(01:17):
love your intro. You have such a soothing, calming voice.
I feel like you have like an amazing podcast voice.
And thank you so much for having me on the podcast.
I am such a fan of yours. I found you
while I was scrolling through Spotify one day and I
was looking for a new podcast that kind of had
the same feel of mine, like self help, self love,
(01:39):
self care, and I found your podcasts and I started
listening to this, and I was like, I would get
along with this girl. She seems amazing. Oh my goodness,
And I feel like we do before we even hit record.
We're just like having a bit of a bit of
a yarn, like having a bit of a chit chat
about everything and anything. So it was it was the
intersection of worlds that needed to happen. Yes, I'm so excited.
(02:03):
I messaged you. I message herma on Instagram and I
was like, I don't know if she's going to answer,
because I feel like her podcast is better than mine. Oh,
I don't know about that. There's no competition right now.
I'm kidding, but honestly, like I really love your content
and like the message you spread to everyone. And yeah,
(02:25):
I just I love everything that you're doing. So I
am honored to be on your podcast today. Oh and
you know what, the feeling is so mutual. I feel
like we're just having a little bit of a hype
circle here where we're just like we love each other.
But it's true, like if you haven't well for people
who haven't listened to your show. I feel like a
lot of people who listen to the Psychology of Your
(02:46):
Twenties would get a lot out of Date Yourself Instead.
Do you want to kind of talk about what kind
of episodes you do, what you guys talk about over
on your show, Yeah, for sure. So I started the podcast.
It's called Date Yourself Instead, and I started it right
after a really bad breakup that I went through last year,
(03:10):
and it took so much out of me, Like I
felt like my life had completely fallen apart, and I
was so dependent on this relationship to get me through
my day. I was very dependent on it to make
me feel good about myself. And I realized when we
had broken up that I didn't know who I was
and I felt really lost and confused. So I eventually,
(03:32):
after I went through the healing process, of course, I
came up with this idea called Date Yourself Instead, and
I started really working on myself and building myself back
up again, and I decided to I decided that I
wanted to also spread this message to other people that
were going through similar things that I was going through,
and what better way to do that than a podcast,
(03:55):
So it became I started one episode in the midst
of my breakup, and I realized that it was what
I wanted to do, Like I just wanted to help
other women and men and anyone else that's going through
a breakup. So a lot of my contents dedicated to healing,
becoming the best version of yourself, and dating yourself. I
(04:18):
love it. I feel like we need more content like that.
What was the Do you remember what the first episode
was on? I feel like there must have been. I
also started my show after a breakup. I feel like
that's like, I don't know, like it really pushes you,
like it triggers you to take action. It does actually,
like I always say that a breakup is actually kind
(04:40):
of sacred because normally you identify and find these entirely
new opportunities that you've been entirely and completely blind to
up until that point. But it's like in a breakup, right,
there's like this desperation to reclaim parts of your identity
that you feel have been like co opted by that
other person. And started a podcast. It's a great way
(05:01):
to do that because your voice is kind of the
only one that matters. But you also get to really
step into yourself and really, I don't know if you
find this, but you really have to contemplate the things
that you're talking about and come to the table with
some form of like mature thinking about it. So it
kind of allows you to undertake your grieving process and
(05:24):
your healing process in a place of almost accountability. I
don't know, is that what you kind of found. I
a hundred percent agree with that. While I was going
through all these emotions and I was at my worst,
like I was literally at the lowest point of my life,
I realized that if I wanted to help other people
(05:44):
and create this content, I needed to be held accountable
and actually follow what I was saying. So a lot
of the time I would be recording episodes and I'd
be going through certain things, and I felt like, in
a way it was like therapy for me because I
was going through similar things that my audience is going
through and I was able to speak on it. But
(06:04):
it was also really healing. And yeah, I mean, I
think when you're forced to kind of speak about it
and make content about it, it kind of helps you
in the healing process. Yeah, I can only imagine, well,
I can only imagine, but I've also experienced that, and
I do think it's one of such a beautiful, beautiful
(06:26):
way to connect with others. Was there any like I
was there like a turning point episode that you did
when you were like, oh, I'm actually coming through this,
Like I can see that the person that I was
when I first started this show in a point of
probably grief and just like total confusion, has now evolved. Yeah.
(06:46):
I definitely think after starting the podcast, I started talking
about more than just breakups, just stepping into your power
and knowing your worth, which obviously we're going to talk
about today, which is super exciting. Just knowing your value.
And self love is not just about you know, working
out and I guess like doing a self care day.
(07:09):
It's not really about those surface level things. I guess
if I don't know, I don't know the right word
to call it, Like I don't know if it's surface
level or it's more like physical actions, Like those things
help and they supplement self love. But true self love
is really like inner work. You know, it's actually looking
within yourself when you're alone and you're not distracted by
any external things. And I think the how to take
(07:33):
your power back after a breakup. Episode really kind of
opened my eyes to a lot of different things about
it's not just you know, going for a run and
clearing your head and talking to a friend. It's really
looking within yourself and understanding your value as a human
being and understanding that if it didn't work out with someone,
that doesn't take away from who you are, and that
(07:54):
doesn't make you any less of a person. And for
the longest time, I would beat myself up over a
relationship not working, and I would beat myself up over
mistakes that I meet in relationships. And yeah, that episode,
I think really covers a lot of that. There's a
few I'm sure, Yeah, I'll have to listen to that.
(08:15):
I have to say I haven't been through a breakup
anytime recently, although I do still think it would apply
to my general dating history, so maybe I've definitely go
back and listen to that. But I feel like you
just mentioned it. It's a great segue, Like one of
the things I really wanted to kind of discuss today
was self worth and kind of your twenties self worth
(08:38):
and dating, self worth and relationships, And I feel like
it is such an intricate interaction between how we feel
about ourselves, which, as you and I both know, is
not something that is surface level by any means. It
takes a lot of hard work, it takes a lot
of honesty, it sometimes takes a lot of pain. But
(09:00):
our self worth really does have this like kind of
bled on impact on who we choose today, how we
approach dating, how we approach rejection, how we approach even
breakups as well. So I kind of was like, I
want to hear your perspective on this, both anecdotal and
from i'm sure like people who have messaged you and
(09:21):
research that you've done in the past. Yeah, for sure.
I think self worth and self love it needs to
be the focus of your life in order to attract
healthier relationships. And we're not taught this when we're younger.
I mean, at least I wasn't taught this. Some people
have really healthy upbringing, so I'm not going to speak
(09:42):
on it like everyone's experience, but my experience, and I
a lot of other people that I'm sure can relate
to this, My childhood was not emotionally fulfilling in the
way I think that I needed. And it wasn't you know,
I'm not blaming my parents. I'm not laming other people,
because everyone's just doing their best and my parents love me.
(10:05):
But I just maybe I didn't really get the love
and validation I needed, and it kind of bled into
the rest of my relationships as I started getting older,
and it affected my level of self worth and self love.
So I would attract all these men into my life
that didn't value me. And I really believe that you
(10:25):
mirror your partners. I believe that you attract who you
are in a way and at what phase of life
you're in. So when I didn't love myself, I would
attract people who really didn't see my worth at all.
And I think that's a key thing to note when
you're exploring this concept of self love and self worth,
(10:47):
is that you kind of attract who you are, So
in order to attract someone who's right for you and
healthy for you, it's important to channel all your energy
in words and really work on yourself before you jump
into a relationship, as I've learned the hard way. Oh,
I agree as well. I feel like it is there
are two kind of schools of thought on that, like
(11:09):
you need to be healed before you can love, or
you can be healed by love. I definitely fall more
into like the first camp of like you need to
heal before you can love. And I think I had
a similar experience where growing up, like I was always
kind of the ugly kid or like the fat kid
or the strange child. At least it's like, oh, but
(11:31):
it's true, and I fucking love that little version of me,
like she was just having the best time ever, but
at times she also wasn't because it was like I
wasn't very accepted. I always felt like I had to
change something about myself in order to fit in, or
I never really felt that my worth was something that
(11:52):
other people could see and I had to make that
really obvious to them by being super generous or like
changing something about myself or yeah, whatever kind of behavior
it was. And I think it's not always acknowledged that
your early childhood experiences, like you said, are so fundamental
(12:15):
and almost determined so much of how we see ourselves
moving forward. And I think there was like this point
in my late teens, like nineteen or twenty years old,
where I was just like, oh my god, I have
spent my entire life feeling like I do not deserve love.
(12:36):
I do not deserve compassion. I do not deserve deep,
meaningful relationships and friendship. And I kind of like surveyed
the landscape of fallen partners and previous boyfriends and was like, Wow,
all of these people treated me exactly how I was
asking to be treated. Because when you really don't see
(13:00):
yourself as being worth much, the bar is so low,
and you accept that treatment because you believe that you
deserve it. Like, what's that quote from Perks of being
a Wallflower? I know it's such a common one, but
like you, we accept the love we think we deserve. Yeah,
I've heard that before. That's a good one. Yeah, it's
(13:21):
like kind of cliche, but it's also I think as
you get older you realize it it's quite true. Would
you say, I definitely agree with that. And also back
to what you had said earlier that stuck out to
me about the two different points of view where you
know you can be healed by love or you need
to heal before you dive into a relationship. Whatever it is.
(13:43):
I think it's obviously a case by Kate's situation, but
I did have an experience once where I came out
of an abusive relationship with someone that called me all
sorts of things and it was not healthy at all whatsoever.
And two days later I met this guy that actually
(14:04):
took me into his world and told me how beautiful
I was, and he helped me on my healing journey.
So I will say that there's two sides to it.
I don't think you need to be completely healed one
hundred percent, because we all go through shit. We're human beings.
We're never going to have this. Nothing is ever perfect,
so you're never going to be fully healed one hundred
(14:27):
percent of the time. And as you get older you
realize that too. Is like you're always going to have
highs and lows and that's just a part of life.
So I wouldn't say you need to be fully healed,
but I think you do need to develop a sense
of self worth and know your value. And I think
those are two kind of separate things. Yeah, I would
actually agree, And I think it also comes to the
(14:50):
point of acknowledging your self worth is kind of the
first step on a long journey and perhaps one of
the most crucial, especially if you're someone who finds themselves
in very similar relationships time after time. It might be
worth examining what the root cause of that is, because
(15:13):
obviously you've learned the lesson. You don't need to go
through another shitty relationship, you don't need to go through
another awful experience, so examining what it might be. You know,
obviously there are some people out there who are just
really awful, narcissistic people who are never going to change.
It's not your fault that they treated you like that,
(15:33):
but it is worth examining, like, oh, why is it
that I tolerate this behavior, or why is it that
I find this attractive? Or why do I keep ending
up in these situations where I know that I don't
feel valued and I know that i'm these people do
not deserve me. Yeah, for sure, I think we often
tend to attract the same type of people over and
(15:55):
over again if we haven't learned the lesson and we
haven't looked within our elves. And it's back to the
whole concept of really learning about self love. It's not
about going and having a spa day all the time,
even though those things are nice to make you feel
good in the moment. Long term, how are you going
to change and do the inner work in order to
change your style of relationships. You want to hear something
(16:18):
really crazy? Yeah, of course, yes, please. I don't think
I've ever said this anywhere, but I'm gonna say it now.
So I've had back to back relationships, three relationships in
a row with people who were super religious, and it
caused problems in all of them because the religion was
(16:42):
always the divider between us. It was like a common
I felt like it was a karmic lesson of some
sort because it was three back to back. No one,
I've never met anyone who's gotten themselves in a situation
like this before. I don't think I have ida this
is very unique. Yeah, I feel like it's a very
(17:04):
unique story that I'll eventually share in more detail publicly.
I think I just held off on it because I'm
still trying to figure out the root cause of how
that could happen. And I've done a lot of research
on karmic relationships and karmic ties and how you keep
meeting the same person in a different physical body over
and over again until you learn the lesson. I think
(17:27):
that's a very maybe too spiritual and deep take on this.
But I feel like part of my journey in this
lifetime is to learn that lesson and work on that
part of myself. That's something that I'm working on right now.
I just thought it kind of tied into the whole
idea of attracting the same person over and over again.
It's pretty wild. That is insane that that happened, and
(17:50):
honestly evidence in itself, it's a comic lesson, right It's
the universe trying to direct you on a different path
at this point. Are you religious at all? Like, very intensely,
I am not even no. I mean, there's nothing wrong
with being religious, but I didn't grow up with I
(18:11):
was raised Catholic, but I'm not. I don't define myself
as religious, and I'm spiritual. I believe in a higher power,
but I don't think too deeply into things. I just
trust that the universes they were guiding me. And there's
nothing wrong with being religious. I was very drawn into
(18:31):
people who were religious, maybe because I was constantly seeking
new information, new perspectives, new beliefs. I love meeting people
from different backgrounds and different cultures than me, so I
think that ties in a lot to my identity. And
I've always seen myself marrying someone of a different culture.
I don't know why. I'm just drawn to people who
(18:53):
are different. So I think that ties a lot into
these people that I'm attracting. Like maybe I should, you know,
get to the bottom of why I need someone that's
impossible to be with im. Well, that's what I was thinking.
I was like, how did you even meet these people?
Like how like were you how did you find them? Like?
(19:15):
Why was this repeating um? Because I was like, if
you're if you were someone who was like, oh, I'm
deeply Christian, I'd be like, okay, that makes sense. But
the way that you put that initially, being like I've
had these relationships with three people back to back who
were super religious, kind of it was like insinuated that
you weren't. So that's actually such a good explanation. Maybe
it's self sabotage. My therapist said this to me yesterday,
(19:38):
Because I do. I not as not as like crazy
coincidence as you. But I've just like had these relationships
back to back where it has started and ended the
exact same way. They've all been these like situation ships
where like three months in I realized that this person
doesn't want commitment. They've all been with like guys who
(20:00):
like I need to mother in some way, who are
not capable of taking care of themselves, like either I'm
teaching them how to drive, or like they're really lonely
in a new city, or I'm like teaching them this
or that or need financial support, and they're all exactly
the same. It's like ridiculous. Wow, that's I know, it's
(20:21):
so sad. That can be draining on a person too,
if you're mothering people in relationships. Oh yeah, I was
like it was a lot, But I think it's interesting
what you said about, like, what's the lesson I need
to learn here? And I do believe that the universe
will keep sending you the same person until you've learned
(20:41):
that lesson. Oh yeah, I'm a product of that. I'm
a case I'm a case study. I really do believe
that we attract certain people in our life based on
lessons we need to learn. And that doesn't mean you
can't end up together whoever you're if you're dating someone now,
it's not always you know, the lesson is you got
(21:02):
to learn this and then you're done. Sometimes it's just
about meeting people to level up and grow. And if
you grow with someone and you grow with a partner.
That's the best benefit of being in a relationship, in
my opinion, is learning more about yourself, learning lessons, and
growing and evolving as a person. So it's not all bad,
(21:22):
you know. I did learn a lot. I did take
a lot from these relationships. But yeah, it was the
same situation over and over again, and part of me
wonders if it was fully in my control. Because you
can't really help who you have a connection with. You
can't really help who you fall in love with. I've
(21:44):
learned that the hard way. I resisted the last guy
I was with I found out he was religious. It's
not like I was like, all right, I'm on board.
I hesitated so much, and I resisted it for so
long because I said to him, I've already been down
this road before. This is impossible, this can't work. And
he was so persistent, and he was like, I really
like you and I really wanted you know, he was
(22:07):
promising me all these things, which he was an amazing person.
I have nothing bad to say about him, but the
situation was the same, and I knew it, but yet
I couldn't help myself. I just m there's something about it.
There is something about it that's really interesting as well,
Like by the third time around, you were like, oh no, no, no,
(22:29):
like I've done this before, I've been here before, like
a huge instance of like deja vu. How long did
you end up dating him for? The last relationship was
two and a half years. Wow. And yeah. And the
thing is, he was the best boyfriend I've ever had.
He was an amazing partner, and he taught me so
(22:49):
much about self love because in my past relationships I
had been treated badly. So throughout that whole relationship, I
think I took so much value with me because he
treated me perfectly. I have nothing bad to say about
him as a person, and it was my worst heartbreak
because he was such an amazing boyfriend and the fact
(23:11):
that there was this block in between us. There was
obviously a lot more that I'm not discussing right now
that happened. It was devastating, but also it taught me
so much about who I am and also how I
want to be treated because it's set the standard really high.
(23:32):
So from this point forward, I'm really grateful that I
went through that because I know what I want and
it ties into that whole idea of self worth, like
I know what I want now and I'm not going
to settle for a shitty ass relationship. Yeah, it's just
life is too short. And I think that sometimes it's
actually really ties back into what you were saying around people,
(23:52):
do you need to be healed to love or can
love heal you? And I think it is part of
that rhetoric, right, like, relationship are going to teach you
things about yourself, and one of those might be what
your worth is, how you deserve to be treated. And
it's not like you need a relationship to teach you that.
It's not like you can't figure that out for yourself.
(24:13):
But sometimes it is such an intense experience to finally
be in a situation and be like, Wow, this is
what it is normal, Like this is what I should
be expecting, Like you learn so much about yourself. But
I do also think I do think that you learn
(24:33):
a lot from heartbreak as well. And I would say
that I've learned more about myself in those periods after
a relationship or a situationship has ended then what I've
learned during the relationship, because it puts my whole life
into perspective. I'm kind of like taking a count of
all my lessons, trying to figure out where I stand,
(24:56):
why it didn't work, and what I want next, Like
would you say that, obviously I'm astuming this was the
guy behind the reason you started this podcast, right, yes,
Oh wow, look at that. Yeah, so obviously it was
and it obviously there were a lot of things I
took with a breakup, including being productive, yeah, starting starting
(25:21):
a new project. And I talk about this on my
podcast as well, about turning pain into creativity. Because if
you're going to take something positive out of a breakup,
it has to be something that makes you feel good, right,
So why not start a new project? Why not start
(25:41):
a new passion project that you've been thinking about and
holding off on because you were consumed by this relationship.
Relationships take up a lot of time. I mean from
my experiences, if you have someone constantly coming in and
out of your life, it can be very time consuming.
So putting your you're new, I mean, I guess when
(26:03):
you have more time on your hands after a breakup,
you have more time to get creative and you have
more time to work on new things. So I started
the podcast. It was a blessing in disguise. I say, yeah,
I agree, and I do think it's like sometimes rejection.
I love this phrase. I know it's like a super
common one, but like rejection is just redirection. And as
(26:25):
I've gotten older, I realized how much that is the case,
Like every relationship that didn't work out has sent me
to a new place in terms of my personal growth
or like you know that my last three people that
I dated, it was like one of them I started
this podcast the next one. I moved to Sydney because
(26:47):
I was like, I can't be in the same city
as you. So and then like, so where are you living?
I was living in Canberra most do you know what
that is? It's like, yeah, so I studied abroad in
Australia for a year. Oh really went in Canberra? No? No, no, um?
I was in Bundura, Bundura. I don't even do you
(27:11):
know where that I live here? And I don't even
know if that is okay. So this is so embarrassing.
But and I don't want to go off to topic.
But I didn't do any research before I went to Australia,
like a fool. I don't know why I didn't ask
(27:31):
someone for help and I booked this university called Latrobe
in the middle of absolutely nowhere. It's literally in the
middle of nowhere. It's on a farm in Bundura this
is that's where. It's an hour outside of Melbourne. So
I thought I was going to Melbourne. And I got
there and I was on a farm and I made
a huge mistake. Oh frick, that's not good. I went
(27:56):
to Sydney for two weeks. I explored Sydney for a bit.
I did all the major cities and places. I didn't
miss out too much. So yeah, yeah, except for like
all those weeks when you were in the middle of nowhere. Yeah.
I was definitely sad that I made a huge mistake.
But I would travel a lot and I yeah, I was.
(28:18):
I was all over the place, so it wasn't too bad.
But huge mistake. Lesson learned to do your research before
you go to a new country. Yeah, don't go to Bandora,
like when the locals don't even know where that is,
then you know that you're in trol that's really that's funny.
I also grew up in Melbourne, so I should know.
But that's crazy. Um, I don't know how we ended
(28:42):
Oh yeah, yeah, So I used to live in Canberra.
I like, did you need there? And I met this
guy and oh my god, Like my first impression of
him was like this guy is totally you're totally out
of his league, like resolutely totally out of this guy's
like and then he kind of just like wore me down.
(29:07):
One minute. I was like I could never One minute
I was like like stopped messaging me getting the ink,
and the next minute I was like and the next
minute I was like madly in love with him, and
I was like where did how did this happen? Like
this happened like overnight. It was also during COVID lockdown,
so you know, everything's a bit more highened that I
always call it like COVID goggles. Oh yeah, it was,
(29:29):
Oh my god, it was totally COVID goggles. I was like,
oh my god. Because in Australia, like you had you
could go and see like an intimate partner. So I
was like, ah, this means I can leave my house
like yes, yeah, but like sorry off track, but that
relationship is what really pushed me to move to Sydney.
And I think if I had still been with him
(29:50):
when I was moving, I probably would have moved back
to Canberra because there was just such a pool there,
like it was what I knew, but because that RelA
and ship, but because that relationship had ended, I was like, well,
I guess I gotta I gotta stick it out. And
then the last one was just someone who taught me
(30:12):
so much around I guess, like we said self worth
and it was like the first person who I was like, wow,
you actually treated me really well and I really liked you,
but this was actually not going to work. And it's
because that I actually need something more from this relationship
(30:32):
rather than you're just being kind to me. And it
was one that I realized that like that's the baseline,
Like that is the bare minimum is to be a
nice guy. I don't need to fall in love with
someone just because they treat me with respect. Oh yeah,
you're so wise. It was your birthday. It was it
was your birthday like today right yesterday? Oh like two
(30:54):
days ago? Yeah, well happy around the sun. Thanks? Yeah,
Like how old did you turn? Twenty three? Yeah? Twenty three,
so I'm still a baby. No, you're so wise, Like
you definitely had so many pass I believe in past lives.
Maybe this is a little bit strange, but I think
you can so many past lives because you're just no,
(31:16):
You're so at twenty three, I was still going through
a lot of different experiences and I had no knowledge
of what self love really was. So I'm blown away
by your content and like everything you speak on you're
so smart immature, Like it's I'm thirty, so I like
(31:38):
I've been through you know that from twenty three to thirty,
I've changed so so much and I've grown so much.
But it's so amazing that you're so young and you've
like you have so much wisdom under under your belt already. Thanks,
what would well, maybe we can use this as like
oldest sister vibes, Like what advice would you give me?
(32:00):
Now that I'm twenty three, I'm still battling through a
lot of like shitty dating experiences and bad boyfriends and
rejection and hook ups that like you want to be
more but they never eventuate. So what's your like major
lesson that you could share with us? I think a
(32:21):
lot of it comes down to just knowing who you
are and what you stand for outside of anyone else,
whether it's a friendship or a relationship or your parents
or anyone. Just taking a loane time to know who
you are is so crucial. As I've gotten older, I've
realized that when I mesh energies with people and I'm
surrounding myself with friends and family and relationships all the time,
(32:45):
I used to lose myself so easily. I used to
give my energy away and my value away so easily
to people who didn't deserve it. And I always tell people,
if you're feeling a little bit lost, or you're not
sure if someone's right for you, or you're anxious and
your questioning everything, take time alone to really get your
thoughts in order and actually know what you stand for,
(33:07):
what your values are, what you believe in, what your
boundaries are, what's important to you, Like these are things
in my early twenties I didn't understand. I never had
anyone guiding me, and I would just dive headfirst into
relationships with guys that literally didn't give a shit about me,
and I would spend all my time focusing on that
(33:31):
instead of focusing on myself. So I think that's my
best advice. I hope that answered that question. I've just rambled,
But just taking time for you and really knowing who
you are as a person, knowing your identity is going
to save you a lot of time and a lot
of heartbreak, because now now at thirty, I won't tolerate
(33:56):
anything less than what I deserve, and I know what
I deserve now. And I also will say, don't be
too hard on yourself, because you kind of need to
go through shitty experiences in order to evolve and learn
the lessons. So I would agree, Yeah, I would say
very few of us end up with the first person
that we date, like, oh yeah, we all have these
(34:18):
experiences that will and I think are valuable because they
shape who we are. And I don't know about you,
but like I look back on a lot of them
and I'm like, I'm so grateful that happened, not all
of it, but like, do you have that experience when
you look back and you're like, that was awful of time,
but I'm so grateful that I went through that. I do.
(34:39):
I think I'm grateful for everything that I've been through,
even though there was a moment in time where I
thought my world was ending. It was the worst heartbreak
that I've been through two years ago with that guy
I'd mentioned, and I would always ask myself the question
of why am I going through this? Why am I
(34:59):
feel this type of pain? Why do I deserve this?
Because I'm a good person and I love someone and
I'm being, you know, thrown into this pit of pain.
And now, obviously it takes time to sometimes get to
a point where you feel okay. But now I look
(35:20):
back and I've grown so much and I'm so so
grateful for everything that I've been through, and I wouldn't
change a thing, even though I went through the worst
pain of my life. I definitely would not change a thing.
So I think, yeah, everything teaches you something, and that's
a really healthy perspective to have to you know, it's
(35:40):
a healthy perspective that's going to get you through life
because shit happens all the time. So yeah, just about
how you deal with it. Yeah, a rejection is just redirection,
I guess. And also I do really love like the
value of the value of solitude. Sometimes you learn a
lot of yourself when you hold up a pretty deep
(36:02):
mirror into your soul and when you aren't distracted by
temporary relationships or like, I don't know if you have
this experience, but I often find that whenever I'm having
like negative emotions, my first, like my first reaction is
to just like fill up my calendar, to like have
(36:23):
dates lined up, to like have dinner plans, to be
calling people all the time, because like that level of
like extraversion and social interaction is such an amazing distraction.
It can be like, oh, I get to focus on
these people. But something that I've learned, like the older
I've gotten, not that I'm particularly old at this stage,
(36:44):
but like the more years I've spent on earth, is
that taking like a time like once twice a year
to just like separate yourself, go away for like four days,
just do something it is entirely within like entirely like
a solitary activity, even if it's just like more regular
(37:07):
like turning your phone off, sitting like your table, and
just like painting like that creative expression we talked about.
You just see so much growth in yourself so quickly
because it's at that point that you don't have to
be thinking about what other people think about you. You
don't need to be thinking about like the impressions of
other people. You don't need to be thinking about what
(37:27):
they expect or what's next. You can just sit with
your emotions and be like, this is actually how I
feel about a situation. This is how I feel about
my feelings, and you can move forward with clarity. I
don't know if you agree with that, if you if
you want to add to that, yeah, I mean, it's
so easy to get lost in other people's opinions of
(37:48):
what you're going through if you're constantly asking people for help.
And it's okay to ask for help, of course, we
all need help at certain points of our life. I
just think sometimes you have to listen to your inner voice,
and that's the voice that's going to guide you the most.
And I've definitely had, you know, friends give me advice
(38:09):
and family give me advice, and I take it with
a grain of salt. But you're not really going to
listen to anyone unless it's something that you really want
to do. And that's something that's really like, if you're
not ready to heal, you're not ready to heal. You're
not going to be healed by someone saying okay, you know,
get out of bed and start your day. That's not
going to help the only person that you could really
depend on in times of I guess hardship is yourself.
(38:34):
So that's why I always emphasize the importance of really
knowing who you are and taking that alone time, and
I totally agree with that. I think, you know, just
having that time to yourself is crucial in order to
really know how to love yourself. But that doesn't mean
you can't also be social and also hang out with
people and see people. Doesn't mean you know, crawl in
(38:57):
your bed and never leave. But I think it's just
important to separate your energy from everyone else's every now
and then just to recharge and recenter. Yeah, that I
think that's an amazing point and an awesome way and
kind of an awesome point to finish on. It's been
such a lovely discussion. You know, we've talked about, like
(39:18):
to summarize it all, like we've really worked through so
many different things that I think come up on our
self love journey, but also on our dating journey as well,
self worth, dealing with projection, alone time, the creativity and
opportunities that come from heartbreak. So Liz, thank you so
(39:40):
much for coming on and sharing all your wisdom. Thank
you so much for having me. I loved that conversation
and I hope that helped all of you, and I
hope that was a productive conversation. I feel like we
could talk for so long. I last track of time.
Yeah I did as well. I'm thinking part two has
to happen because these are the conversations I love having, honestly,
(40:04):
because I often feel like these are the conversations that
a lot of people like. I want to have these
with my friends, but sometimes like that doesn't happen. So
I'm like, come and come and listen to us. I
stacked down love Lives for your entertainment. I love doing that.
And also, I'm just gonna give your podcast a shout
out date yourself instead. If you're not listening to it,
(40:26):
it's amazing. It's super valuable content, especially if you're someone
who's going through a hard time in terms of your
romantic life. I couldn't recommend it more highly. If you're listening,
you really enjoyed this episode. I know that we both
did a lot. Maybe you want to share it with
a friend. If it's something that a friend needs to hear,
(40:48):
please feel free to pass on the love. If you
did enjoy this episode, please leave a five star review
on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now.
It really helps the show to grow and reach new people.
And if you want to know more, if you want
to be ahead of the news, ahead of the episodes,
(41:09):
follow me at that Psychology Podcast. I post a lot
of updates around what's coming next, merchandise, guests that are
coming on, and also once a month I let you,
the listeners, choose what episode comes out next. So thank
you so much and have a lovely week. We'll be
back soon with another episode.
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. It
(00:30):
is so great to have you here back for another episode,
a super super exciting episode because we are being joined
by an incredible guest who I will let interest introduce
herself in just a second. But today we're going to
talk about dating in your twenties. It's a bit of
a series and that we've been doing on the podcast recently,
(00:54):
but today I really want to dive into knowing your worth,
dealing with rejection and moving on, and I thought who
better to come on and share their wisdom than lists
from the Date Yourself Instead podcast. Hello, how are you?
You're making me smile so much. I love her, I
(01:17):
love your intro. You have such a soothing, calming voice.
I feel like you have like an amazing podcast voice.
And thank you so much for having me on the podcast.
I am such a fan of yours. I found you
while I was scrolling through Spotify one day and I
was looking for a new podcast that kind of had
the same feel of mine, like self help, self love,
(01:39):
self care, and I found your podcasts and I started
listening to this, and I was like, I would get
along with this girl. She seems amazing. Oh my goodness,
And I feel like we do before we even hit record.
We're just like having a bit of a bit of
a yarn, like having a bit of a chit chat
about everything and anything. So it was it was the
intersection of worlds that needed to happen. Yes, I'm so excited.
(02:03):
I messaged you. I message herma on Instagram and I
was like, I don't know if she's going to answer,
because I feel like her podcast is better than mine. Oh,
I don't know about that. There's no competition right now.
I'm kidding, but honestly, like I really love your content
and like the message you spread to everyone. And yeah,
(02:25):
I just I love everything that you're doing. So I
am honored to be on your podcast today. Oh and
you know what, the feeling is so mutual. I feel
like we're just having a little bit of a hype
circle here where we're just like we love each other.
But it's true, like if you haven't well for people
who haven't listened to your show. I feel like a
lot of people who listen to the Psychology of Your
(02:46):
Twenties would get a lot out of Date Yourself Instead.
Do you want to kind of talk about what kind
of episodes you do, what you guys talk about over
on your show, Yeah, for sure. So I started the podcast.
It's called Date Yourself Instead, and I started it right
after a really bad breakup that I went through last year,
(03:10):
and it took so much out of me, Like I
felt like my life had completely fallen apart, and I
was so dependent on this relationship to get me through
my day. I was very dependent on it to make
me feel good about myself. And I realized when we
had broken up that I didn't know who I was
and I felt really lost and confused. So I eventually,
(03:32):
after I went through the healing process, of course, I
came up with this idea called Date Yourself Instead, and
I started really working on myself and building myself back
up again, and I decided to I decided that I
wanted to also spread this message to other people that
were going through similar things that I was going through,
and what better way to do that than a podcast,
(03:55):
So it became I started one episode in the midst
of my breakup, and I realized that it was what
I wanted to do, Like I just wanted to help
other women and men and anyone else that's going through
a breakup. So a lot of my contents dedicated to healing,
becoming the best version of yourself, and dating yourself. I
(04:18):
love it. I feel like we need more content like that.
What was the Do you remember what the first episode
was on? I feel like there must have been. I
also started my show after a breakup. I feel like
that's like, I don't know, like it really pushes you,
like it triggers you to take action. It does actually,
like I always say that a breakup is actually kind
(04:40):
of sacred because normally you identify and find these entirely
new opportunities that you've been entirely and completely blind to
up until that point. But it's like in a breakup, right,
there's like this desperation to reclaim parts of your identity
that you feel have been like co opted by that
other person. And started a podcast. It's a great way
(05:01):
to do that because your voice is kind of the
only one that matters. But you also get to really
step into yourself and really, I don't know if you
find this, but you really have to contemplate the things
that you're talking about and come to the table with
some form of like mature thinking about it. So it
kind of allows you to undertake your grieving process and
(05:24):
your healing process in a place of almost accountability. I
don't know, is that what you kind of found. I
a hundred percent agree with that. While I was going
through all these emotions and I was at my worst,
like I was literally at the lowest point of my life,
I realized that if I wanted to help other people
(05:44):
and create this content, I needed to be held accountable
and actually follow what I was saying. So a lot
of the time I would be recording episodes and I'd
be going through certain things, and I felt like, in
a way it was like therapy for me because I
was going through similar things that my audience is going
through and I was able to speak on it. But
(06:04):
it was also really healing. And yeah, I mean, I
think when you're forced to kind of speak about it
and make content about it, it kind of helps you
in the healing process. Yeah, I can only imagine, well,
I can only imagine, but I've also experienced that, and
I do think it's one of such a beautiful, beautiful
(06:26):
way to connect with others. Was there any like I
was there like a turning point episode that you did
when you were like, oh, I'm actually coming through this,
Like I can see that the person that I was
when I first started this show in a point of
probably grief and just like total confusion, has now evolved. Yeah.
(06:46):
I definitely think after starting the podcast, I started talking
about more than just breakups, just stepping into your power
and knowing your worth, which obviously we're going to talk
about today, which is super exciting. Just knowing your value.
And self love is not just about you know, working
out and I guess like doing a self care day.
(07:09):
It's not really about those surface level things. I guess
if I don't know, I don't know the right word
to call it, Like I don't know if it's surface
level or it's more like physical actions, Like those things
help and they supplement self love. But true self love
is really like inner work. You know, it's actually looking
within yourself when you're alone and you're not distracted by
any external things. And I think the how to take
(07:33):
your power back after a breakup. Episode really kind of
opened my eyes to a lot of different things about
it's not just you know, going for a run and
clearing your head and talking to a friend. It's really
looking within yourself and understanding your value as a human
being and understanding that if it didn't work out with someone,
that doesn't take away from who you are, and that
(07:54):
doesn't make you any less of a person. And for
the longest time, I would beat myself up over a
relationship not working, and I would beat myself up over
mistakes that I meet in relationships. And yeah, that episode,
I think really covers a lot of that. There's a
few I'm sure, Yeah, I'll have to listen to that.
(08:15):
I have to say I haven't been through a breakup
anytime recently, although I do still think it would apply
to my general dating history, so maybe I've definitely go
back and listen to that. But I feel like you
just mentioned it. It's a great segue, Like one of
the things I really wanted to kind of discuss today
was self worth and kind of your twenties self worth
(08:38):
and dating, self worth and relationships, And I feel like
it is such an intricate interaction between how we feel
about ourselves, which, as you and I both know, is
not something that is surface level by any means. It
takes a lot of hard work, it takes a lot
of honesty, it sometimes takes a lot of pain. But
(09:00):
our self worth really does have this like kind of
bled on impact on who we choose today, how we
approach dating, how we approach rejection, how we approach even
breakups as well. So I kind of was like, I
want to hear your perspective on this, both anecdotal and
from i'm sure like people who have messaged you and
(09:21):
research that you've done in the past. Yeah, for sure.
I think self worth and self love it needs to
be the focus of your life in order to attract
healthier relationships. And we're not taught this when we're younger.
I mean, at least I wasn't taught this. Some people
have really healthy upbringing, so I'm not going to speak
(09:42):
on it like everyone's experience, but my experience, and I
a lot of other people that I'm sure can relate
to this, My childhood was not emotionally fulfilling in the
way I think that I needed. And it wasn't you know,
I'm not blaming my parents. I'm not laming other people,
because everyone's just doing their best and my parents love me.
(10:05):
But I just maybe I didn't really get the love
and validation I needed, and it kind of bled into
the rest of my relationships as I started getting older,
and it affected my level of self worth and self love.
So I would attract all these men into my life
that didn't value me. And I really believe that you
(10:25):
mirror your partners. I believe that you attract who you
are in a way and at what phase of life
you're in. So when I didn't love myself, I would
attract people who really didn't see my worth at all.
And I think that's a key thing to note when
you're exploring this concept of self love and self worth,
(10:47):
is that you kind of attract who you are, So
in order to attract someone who's right for you and
healthy for you, it's important to channel all your energy
in words and really work on yourself before you jump
into a relationship, as I've learned the hard way. Oh,
I agree as well. I feel like it is there
are two kind of schools of thought on that, like
(11:09):
you need to be healed before you can love, or
you can be healed by love. I definitely fall more
into like the first camp of like you need to
heal before you can love. And I think I had
a similar experience where growing up, like I was always
kind of the ugly kid or like the fat kid
or the strange child. At least it's like, oh, but
(11:31):
it's true, and I fucking love that little version of me,
like she was just having the best time ever, but
at times she also wasn't because it was like I
wasn't very accepted. I always felt like I had to
change something about myself in order to fit in, or
I never really felt that my worth was something that
(11:52):
other people could see and I had to make that
really obvious to them by being super generous or like
changing something about myself or yeah, whatever kind of behavior
it was. And I think it's not always acknowledged that
your early childhood experiences, like you said, are so fundamental
(12:15):
and almost determined so much of how we see ourselves
moving forward. And I think there was like this point
in my late teens, like nineteen or twenty years old,
where I was just like, oh my god, I have
spent my entire life feeling like I do not deserve love.
(12:36):
I do not deserve compassion. I do not deserve deep,
meaningful relationships and friendship. And I kind of like surveyed
the landscape of fallen partners and previous boyfriends and was like, Wow,
all of these people treated me exactly how I was
asking to be treated. Because when you really don't see
(13:00):
yourself as being worth much, the bar is so low,
and you accept that treatment because you believe that you
deserve it. Like, what's that quote from Perks of being
a Wallflower? I know it's such a common one, but
like you, we accept the love we think we deserve. Yeah,
I've heard that before. That's a good one. Yeah, it's
(13:21):
like kind of cliche, but it's also I think as
you get older you realize it it's quite true. Would
you say, I definitely agree with that. And also back
to what you had said earlier that stuck out to
me about the two different points of view where you
know you can be healed by love or you need
to heal before you dive into a relationship. Whatever it is.
(13:43):
I think it's obviously a case by Kate's situation, but
I did have an experience once where I came out
of an abusive relationship with someone that called me all
sorts of things and it was not healthy at all whatsoever.
And two days later I met this guy that actually
(14:04):
took me into his world and told me how beautiful
I was, and he helped me on my healing journey.
So I will say that there's two sides to it.
I don't think you need to be completely healed one
hundred percent, because we all go through shit. We're human beings.
We're never going to have this. Nothing is ever perfect,
so you're never going to be fully healed one hundred
(14:27):
percent of the time. And as you get older you
realize that too. Is like you're always going to have
highs and lows and that's just a part of life.
So I wouldn't say you need to be fully healed,
but I think you do need to develop a sense
of self worth and know your value. And I think
those are two kind of separate things. Yeah, I would
actually agree, And I think it also comes to the
(14:50):
point of acknowledging your self worth is kind of the
first step on a long journey and perhaps one of
the most crucial, especially if you're someone who finds themselves
in very similar relationships time after time. It might be
worth examining what the root cause of that is, because
(15:13):
obviously you've learned the lesson. You don't need to go
through another shitty relationship, you don't need to go through
another awful experience, so examining what it might be. You know,
obviously there are some people out there who are just
really awful, narcissistic people who are never going to change.
It's not your fault that they treated you like that,
(15:33):
but it is worth examining, like, oh, why is it
that I tolerate this behavior, or why is it that
I find this attractive? Or why do I keep ending
up in these situations where I know that I don't
feel valued and I know that i'm these people do
not deserve me. Yeah, for sure, I think we often
tend to attract the same type of people over and
(15:55):
over again if we haven't learned the lesson and we
haven't looked within our elves. And it's back to the
whole concept of really learning about self love. It's not
about going and having a spa day all the time,
even though those things are nice to make you feel
good in the moment. Long term, how are you going
to change and do the inner work in order to
change your style of relationships. You want to hear something
(16:18):
really crazy? Yeah, of course, yes, please. I don't think
I've ever said this anywhere, but I'm gonna say it now.
So I've had back to back relationships, three relationships in
a row with people who were super religious, and it
caused problems in all of them because the religion was
(16:42):
always the divider between us. It was like a common
I felt like it was a karmic lesson of some
sort because it was three back to back. No one,
I've never met anyone who's gotten themselves in a situation
like this before. I don't think I have ida this
is very unique. Yeah, I feel like it's a very
(17:04):
unique story that I'll eventually share in more detail publicly.
I think I just held off on it because I'm
still trying to figure out the root cause of how
that could happen. And I've done a lot of research
on karmic relationships and karmic ties and how you keep
meeting the same person in a different physical body over
and over again until you learn the lesson. I think
(17:27):
that's a very maybe too spiritual and deep take on this.
But I feel like part of my journey in this
lifetime is to learn that lesson and work on that
part of myself. That's something that I'm working on right now.
I just thought it kind of tied into the whole
idea of attracting the same person over and over again.
It's pretty wild. That is insane that that happened, and
(17:50):
honestly evidence in itself, it's a comic lesson, right It's
the universe trying to direct you on a different path
at this point. Are you religious at all? Like, very intensely,
I am not even no. I mean, there's nothing wrong
with being religious, but I didn't grow up with I
(18:11):
was raised Catholic, but I'm not. I don't define myself
as religious, and I'm spiritual. I believe in a higher power,
but I don't think too deeply into things. I just
trust that the universes they were guiding me. And there's
nothing wrong with being religious. I was very drawn into
(18:31):
people who were religious, maybe because I was constantly seeking
new information, new perspectives, new beliefs. I love meeting people
from different backgrounds and different cultures than me, so I
think that ties in a lot to my identity. And
I've always seen myself marrying someone of a different culture.
I don't know why. I'm just drawn to people who
(18:53):
are different. So I think that ties a lot into
these people that I'm attracting. Like maybe I should, you know,
get to the bottom of why I need someone that's
impossible to be with im. Well, that's what I was thinking.
I was like, how did you even meet these people?
Like how like were you how did you find them? Like?
(19:15):
Why was this repeating um? Because I was like, if
you're if you were someone who was like, oh, I'm
deeply Christian, I'd be like, okay, that makes sense. But
the way that you put that initially, being like I've
had these relationships with three people back to back who
were super religious, kind of it was like insinuated that
you weren't. So that's actually such a good explanation. Maybe
it's self sabotage. My therapist said this to me yesterday,
(19:38):
Because I do. I not as not as like crazy
coincidence as you. But I've just like had these relationships
back to back where it has started and ended the
exact same way. They've all been these like situation ships
where like three months in I realized that this person
doesn't want commitment. They've all been with like guys who
(20:00):
like I need to mother in some way, who are
not capable of taking care of themselves, like either I'm
teaching them how to drive, or like they're really lonely
in a new city, or I'm like teaching them this
or that or need financial support, and they're all exactly
the same. It's like ridiculous. Wow, that's I know, it's
(20:21):
so sad. That can be draining on a person too,
if you're mothering people in relationships. Oh yeah, I was
like it was a lot, But I think it's interesting
what you said about, like, what's the lesson I need
to learn here? And I do believe that the universe
will keep sending you the same person until you've learned
(20:41):
that lesson. Oh yeah, I'm a product of that. I'm
a case I'm a case study. I really do believe
that we attract certain people in our life based on
lessons we need to learn. And that doesn't mean you
can't end up together whoever you're if you're dating someone now,
it's not always you know, the lesson is you got
(21:02):
to learn this and then you're done. Sometimes it's just
about meeting people to level up and grow. And if
you grow with someone and you grow with a partner.
That's the best benefit of being in a relationship, in
my opinion, is learning more about yourself, learning lessons, and
growing and evolving as a person. So it's not all bad,
(21:22):
you know. I did learn a lot. I did take
a lot from these relationships. But yeah, it was the
same situation over and over again, and part of me
wonders if it was fully in my control. Because you
can't really help who you have a connection with. You
can't really help who you fall in love with. I've
(21:44):
learned that the hard way. I resisted the last guy
I was with I found out he was religious. It's
not like I was like, all right, I'm on board.
I hesitated so much, and I resisted it for so
long because I said to him, I've already been down
this road before. This is impossible, this can't work. And
he was so persistent, and he was like, I really
like you and I really wanted you know, he was
(22:07):
promising me all these things, which he was an amazing person.
I have nothing bad to say about him, but the
situation was the same, and I knew it, but yet
I couldn't help myself. I just m there's something about it.
There is something about it that's really interesting as well,
Like by the third time around, you were like, oh no, no, no,
(22:29):
like I've done this before, I've been here before, like
a huge instance of like deja vu. How long did
you end up dating him for? The last relationship was
two and a half years. Wow. And yeah. And the
thing is, he was the best boyfriend I've ever had.
He was an amazing partner, and he taught me so
(22:49):
much about self love because in my past relationships I
had been treated badly. So throughout that whole relationship, I
think I took so much value with me because he
treated me perfectly. I have nothing bad to say about
him as a person, and it was my worst heartbreak
because he was such an amazing boyfriend and the fact
(23:11):
that there was this block in between us. There was
obviously a lot more that I'm not discussing right now
that happened. It was devastating, but also it taught me
so much about who I am and also how I
want to be treated because it's set the standard really high.
(23:32):
So from this point forward, I'm really grateful that I
went through that because I know what I want and
it ties into that whole idea of self worth, like
I know what I want now and I'm not going
to settle for a shitty ass relationship. Yeah, it's just
life is too short. And I think that sometimes it's
actually really ties back into what you were saying around people,
(23:52):
do you need to be healed to love or can
love heal you? And I think it is part of
that rhetoric, right, like, relationship are going to teach you
things about yourself, and one of those might be what
your worth is, how you deserve to be treated. And
it's not like you need a relationship to teach you that.
It's not like you can't figure that out for yourself.
(24:13):
But sometimes it is such an intense experience to finally
be in a situation and be like, Wow, this is
what it is normal, Like this is what I should
be expecting, Like you learn so much about yourself. But
I do also think I do think that you learn
(24:33):
a lot from heartbreak as well. And I would say
that I've learned more about myself in those periods after
a relationship or a situationship has ended then what I've
learned during the relationship, because it puts my whole life
into perspective. I'm kind of like taking a count of
all my lessons, trying to figure out where I stand,
(24:56):
why it didn't work, and what I want next, Like
would you say that, obviously I'm astuming this was the
guy behind the reason you started this podcast, right, yes,
Oh wow, look at that. Yeah, so obviously it was
and it obviously there were a lot of things I
took with a breakup, including being productive, yeah, starting starting
(25:21):
a new project. And I talk about this on my
podcast as well, about turning pain into creativity. Because if
you're going to take something positive out of a breakup,
it has to be something that makes you feel good, right,
So why not start a new project? Why not start
(25:41):
a new passion project that you've been thinking about and
holding off on because you were consumed by this relationship.
Relationships take up a lot of time. I mean from
my experiences, if you have someone constantly coming in and
out of your life, it can be very time consuming.
So putting your you're new, I mean, I guess when
(26:03):
you have more time on your hands after a breakup,
you have more time to get creative and you have
more time to work on new things. So I started
the podcast. It was a blessing in disguise. I say, yeah,
I agree, and I do think it's like sometimes rejection.
I love this phrase. I know it's like a super
common one, but like rejection is just redirection. And as
(26:25):
I've gotten older, I realized how much that is the case,
Like every relationship that didn't work out has sent me
to a new place in terms of my personal growth
or like you know that my last three people that
I dated, it was like one of them I started
this podcast the next one. I moved to Sydney because
(26:47):
I was like, I can't be in the same city
as you. So and then like, so where are you living?
I was living in Canberra most do you know what
that is? It's like, yeah, so I studied abroad in
Australia for a year. Oh really went in Canberra? No? No, no, um?
I was in Bundura, Bundura. I don't even do you
(27:11):
know where that I live here? And I don't even
know if that is okay. So this is so embarrassing.
But and I don't want to go off to topic.
But I didn't do any research before I went to Australia,
like a fool. I don't know why I didn't ask
(27:31):
someone for help and I booked this university called Latrobe
in the middle of absolutely nowhere. It's literally in the
middle of nowhere. It's on a farm in Bundura this
is that's where. It's an hour outside of Melbourne. So
I thought I was going to Melbourne. And I got
there and I was on a farm and I made
a huge mistake. Oh frick, that's not good. I went
(27:56):
to Sydney for two weeks. I explored Sydney for a bit.
I did all the major cities and places. I didn't
miss out too much. So yeah, yeah, except for like
all those weeks when you were in the middle of nowhere. Yeah.
I was definitely sad that I made a huge mistake.
But I would travel a lot and I yeah, I was.
(28:18):
I was all over the place, so it wasn't too bad.
But huge mistake. Lesson learned to do your research before
you go to a new country. Yeah, don't go to Bandora,
like when the locals don't even know where that is,
then you know that you're in trol that's really that's funny.
I also grew up in Melbourne, so I should know.
But that's crazy. Um, I don't know how we ended
(28:42):
Oh yeah, yeah, So I used to live in Canberra.
I like, did you need there? And I met this
guy and oh my god, Like my first impression of
him was like this guy is totally you're totally out
of his league, like resolutely totally out of this guy's
like and then he kind of just like wore me down.
(29:07):
One minute. I was like I could never One minute
I was like like stopped messaging me getting the ink,
and the next minute I was like and the next
minute I was like madly in love with him, and
I was like where did how did this happen? Like
this happened like overnight. It was also during COVID lockdown,
so you know, everything's a bit more highened that I
always call it like COVID goggles. Oh yeah, it was,
(29:29):
Oh my god, it was totally COVID goggles. I was like,
oh my god. Because in Australia, like you had you
could go and see like an intimate partner. So I
was like, ah, this means I can leave my house
like yes, yeah, but like sorry off track, but that
relationship is what really pushed me to move to Sydney.
And I think if I had still been with him
(29:50):
when I was moving, I probably would have moved back
to Canberra because there was just such a pool there,
like it was what I knew, but because that RelA
and ship, but because that relationship had ended, I was like, well,
I guess I gotta I gotta stick it out. And
then the last one was just someone who taught me
(30:12):
so much around I guess, like we said self worth
and it was like the first person who I was like, wow,
you actually treated me really well and I really liked you,
but this was actually not going to work. And it's
because that I actually need something more from this relationship
(30:32):
rather than you're just being kind to me. And it
was one that I realized that like that's the baseline,
Like that is the bare minimum is to be a
nice guy. I don't need to fall in love with
someone just because they treat me with respect. Oh yeah,
you're so wise. It was your birthday. It was it
was your birthday like today right yesterday? Oh like two
(30:54):
days ago? Yeah, well happy around the sun. Thanks? Yeah,
Like how old did you turn? Twenty three? Yeah? Twenty three,
so I'm still a baby. No, you're so wise, Like
you definitely had so many pass I believe in past lives.
Maybe this is a little bit strange, but I think
you can so many past lives because you're just no,
(31:16):
You're so at twenty three, I was still going through
a lot of different experiences and I had no knowledge
of what self love really was. So I'm blown away
by your content and like everything you speak on you're
so smart immature, Like it's I'm thirty, so I like
(31:38):
I've been through you know that from twenty three to thirty,
I've changed so so much and I've grown so much.
But it's so amazing that you're so young and you've
like you have so much wisdom under under your belt already. Thanks,
what would well, maybe we can use this as like
oldest sister vibes, Like what advice would you give me?
(32:00):
Now that I'm twenty three, I'm still battling through a
lot of like shitty dating experiences and bad boyfriends and
rejection and hook ups that like you want to be
more but they never eventuate. So what's your like major
lesson that you could share with us? I think a
(32:21):
lot of it comes down to just knowing who you
are and what you stand for outside of anyone else,
whether it's a friendship or a relationship or your parents
or anyone. Just taking a loane time to know who
you are is so crucial. As I've gotten older, I've
realized that when I mesh energies with people and I'm
surrounding myself with friends and family and relationships all the time,
(32:45):
I used to lose myself so easily. I used to
give my energy away and my value away so easily
to people who didn't deserve it. And I always tell people,
if you're feeling a little bit lost, or you're not
sure if someone's right for you, or you're anxious and
your questioning everything, take time alone to really get your
thoughts in order and actually know what you stand for,
(33:07):
what your values are, what you believe in, what your
boundaries are, what's important to you, Like these are things
in my early twenties I didn't understand. I never had
anyone guiding me, and I would just dive headfirst into
relationships with guys that literally didn't give a shit about me,
and I would spend all my time focusing on that
(33:31):
instead of focusing on myself. So I think that's my
best advice. I hope that answered that question. I've just rambled,
But just taking time for you and really knowing who
you are as a person, knowing your identity is going
to save you a lot of time and a lot
of heartbreak, because now now at thirty, I won't tolerate
(33:56):
anything less than what I deserve, and I know what
I deserve now. And I also will say, don't be
too hard on yourself, because you kind of need to
go through shitty experiences in order to evolve and learn
the lessons. So I would agree, Yeah, I would say
very few of us end up with the first person
that we date, like, oh yeah, we all have these
(34:18):
experiences that will and I think are valuable because they
shape who we are. And I don't know about you,
but like I look back on a lot of them
and I'm like, I'm so grateful that happened, not all
of it, but like, do you have that experience when
you look back and you're like, that was awful of time,
but I'm so grateful that I went through that. I do.
(34:39):
I think I'm grateful for everything that I've been through,
even though there was a moment in time where I
thought my world was ending. It was the worst heartbreak
that I've been through two years ago with that guy
I'd mentioned, and I would always ask myself the question
of why am I going through this? Why am I
(34:59):
feel this type of pain? Why do I deserve this?
Because I'm a good person and I love someone and
I'm being, you know, thrown into this pit of pain.
And now, obviously it takes time to sometimes get to
a point where you feel okay. But now I look
(35:20):
back and I've grown so much and I'm so so
grateful for everything that I've been through, and I wouldn't
change a thing, even though I went through the worst
pain of my life. I definitely would not change a thing.
So I think, yeah, everything teaches you something, and that's
a really healthy perspective to have to you know, it's
(35:40):
a healthy perspective that's going to get you through life
because shit happens all the time. So yeah, just about
how you deal with it. Yeah, a rejection is just redirection,
I guess. And also I do really love like the
value of the value of solitude. Sometimes you learn a
lot of yourself when you hold up a pretty deep
(36:02):
mirror into your soul and when you aren't distracted by
temporary relationships or like, I don't know if you have
this experience, but I often find that whenever I'm having
like negative emotions, my first, like my first reaction is
to just like fill up my calendar, to like have
(36:23):
dates lined up, to like have dinner plans, to be
calling people all the time, because like that level of
like extraversion and social interaction is such an amazing distraction.
It can be like, oh, I get to focus on
these people. But something that I've learned, like the older
I've gotten, not that I'm particularly old at this stage,
(36:44):
but like the more years I've spent on earth, is
that taking like a time like once twice a year
to just like separate yourself, go away for like four days,
just do something it is entirely within like entirely like
a solitary activity, even if it's just like more regular
(37:07):
like turning your phone off, sitting like your table, and
just like painting like that creative expression we talked about.
You just see so much growth in yourself so quickly
because it's at that point that you don't have to
be thinking about what other people think about you. You
don't need to be thinking about like the impressions of
other people. You don't need to be thinking about what
(37:27):
they expect or what's next. You can just sit with
your emotions and be like, this is actually how I
feel about a situation. This is how I feel about
my feelings, and you can move forward with clarity. I
don't know if you agree with that, if you if
you want to add to that, yeah, I mean, it's
so easy to get lost in other people's opinions of
(37:48):
what you're going through if you're constantly asking people for help.
And it's okay to ask for help, of course, we
all need help at certain points of our life. I
just think sometimes you have to listen to your inner voice,
and that's the voice that's going to guide you the most.
And I've definitely had, you know, friends give me advice
(38:09):
and family give me advice, and I take it with
a grain of salt. But you're not really going to
listen to anyone unless it's something that you really want
to do. And that's something that's really like, if you're
not ready to heal, you're not ready to heal. You're
not going to be healed by someone saying okay, you know,
get out of bed and start your day. That's not
going to help the only person that you could really
depend on in times of I guess hardship is yourself.
(38:34):
So that's why I always emphasize the importance of really
knowing who you are and taking that alone time, and
I totally agree with that. I think, you know, just
having that time to yourself is crucial in order to
really know how to love yourself. But that doesn't mean
you can't also be social and also hang out with
people and see people. Doesn't mean you know, crawl in
(38:57):
your bed and never leave. But I think it's just
important to separate your energy from everyone else's every now
and then just to recharge and recenter. Yeah, that I
think that's an amazing point and an awesome way and
kind of an awesome point to finish on. It's been
such a lovely discussion. You know, we've talked about, like
(39:18):
to summarize it all, like we've really worked through so
many different things that I think come up on our
self love journey, but also on our dating journey as well,
self worth, dealing with projection, alone time, the creativity and
opportunities that come from heartbreak. So Liz, thank you so
(39:40):
much for coming on and sharing all your wisdom. Thank
you so much for having me. I loved that conversation
and I hope that helped all of you, and I
hope that was a productive conversation. I feel like we
could talk for so long. I last track of time.
Yeah I did as well. I'm thinking part two has
to happen because these are the conversations I love having, honestly,
(40:04):
because I often feel like these are the conversations that
a lot of people like. I want to have these
with my friends, but sometimes like that doesn't happen. So
I'm like, come and come and listen to us. I
stacked down love Lives for your entertainment. I love doing that.
And also, I'm just gonna give your podcast a shout
out date yourself instead. If you're not listening to it,
(40:26):
it's amazing. It's super valuable content, especially if you're someone
who's going through a hard time in terms of your
romantic life. I couldn't recommend it more highly. If you're listening,
you really enjoyed this episode. I know that we both
did a lot. Maybe you want to share it with
a friend. If it's something that a friend needs to hear,
(40:48):
please feel free to pass on the love. If you
did enjoy this episode, please leave a five star review
on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now.
It really helps the show to grow and reach new people.
And if you want to know more, if you want
to be ahead of the news, ahead of the episodes,
(41:09):
follow me at that Psychology Podcast. I post a lot
of updates around what's coming next, merchandise, guests that are
coming on, and also once a month I let you,
the listeners, choose what episode comes out next. So thank
you so much and have a lovely week. We'll be
back soon with another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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