July 17, 2024 • 33 mins
In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of the "good girl" and "bad girl" personas. What happens when a good girl goes bad? Can a bad girl be reformed into a good girl? How do good girls and bad girls show up in relationships? Iyanla is joined by special guests Damon "Bware" Vanzant and Coach Stormy Wellington, a reformed bad girl, to unpack these questions.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am Ayamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I
spent time in a relationship with a married man. I
had to learn the skills and tools required to make
my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the r Spot,
a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
(00:35):
and Welcome to our spot, the place we come to
talk about relationships, all things relationships, all kinds of relationships,
and the people in the relationship. Because you know, a
relationship is really a neutral thing, but when you put
people in it, it can be a divine experience or
(00:56):
a hot mess. But we want to learn the tools,
the skills, the principles, the practices that will elevate all
of our relationships into fulfilling experiences, loving experiences, the places
we go to heal and learn and exchange the most
(01:18):
powerful parts of us, the parts of us that are
loving and kind and generous. So today we're going to
cook up a really peppered stew ha a stew about
people in relationships and their history and their past. And
(01:38):
for me, it kind of grows from the lyrics of
a song sung by Jasmine Sullivan treat us bad, make
us sad, then wonder why we are mad, because I
know that is a story for so many women. They
are mad as hell about the way that they've been treated.
(01:58):
But one of the things that's kind of grown out
of this, out of the treatment women have experience and
about the experiences that they've had, it's this whole notion
of a bad girl and a good girl. There's an
age old, principal practice expectation about women in relationships, and
(02:21):
that's that they are good girls. Good girls. Now what
in the blazon of Jesus is a good girl? Is
that a church girl? Is that a virgin? Are there
virgins anymore? I don't even know what is a good
girl for me. A good girl was one she was,
(02:44):
first of all a virgin, or she lied about being
a virgin, or could fake be in a vision. She
went to church, She you know, wore her dresses at
a respectable length, her hair was always cofferred, and she
probably had some white gloves, and she wore her purse
and the crook of her arm. And a bad girl
(03:05):
was one whose dress was a little too tight or
too short. She was one who climbed in the backseat
of the car. She was one who had really a
bad reputation. She was a skunk, and that's what we
used to call them in my day. They don't even
use that word anymore. She was a skunk and she
was fast. Oh yeah, she was fast. Those were bad girls. Today,
(03:27):
bad girls are rewarded. There is a bad girl's television show,
and we see so many things on social media and
in the world where bad girls are getting a check
for being bad, and the badder they are, it seems
that the more we like it. But when you talk
to men, when you talk to men about these so
(03:50):
called bad girls, they are not feeling it at all. Okay,
So here's the question that we're going to look at today.
We're gonna look at this and I've got two co
hosts with me today who have very strong opinions on
both sides. What happens when a good girl goes bad?
(04:12):
What does that look like? And what does that mean?
And can you take a bad girl and make her good?
That's what we want to look at. Good girls, bad girls,
and what is the meaning of it all. So I've
got two co hosts today. I've got Beware from carab
Life Media and he is in the dance hall arena,
(04:35):
so he sees good girls gone bad, bad girls gone
good and when they mix it up with bad boys,
good boys. I mean, it is just a thing to behold.
And I have with me this morning as my support
my other co hosts Stormy Wellington, who is known worldwide
(04:56):
as Coach Stormy. Coach Stormy, and she uses her influence
and her platforms and her voice. I love it her
voice to really help thousands and thousands of women embrace
their authentic self. And what if that authentic self is
(05:17):
a little feisty, what we call bad, what does she
do with that? And what do the guys think about it?
So welcome, Beware, Welcome Stormy. I think we've got a
hot topic this morning, so I want to dive right in.
I'm going to start with you, Beware, since most women
(05:38):
really want to please and attract men, Can you tell
me what is a good girl? What do you, as
a man consider to be a good girl?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
What is that a good girl is? Oh, my opinion,
is a woman that that she's foundedd in the knowledge
of herself, a culture, her history of community, relationship with
God is also in there. That's like first and foremost,
(06:12):
because that's going to determine how she shows up in
the relationship. Is the effort is the information that she has.
So if she doesn't have the right information or that
that information that you say is good, she's not. She's
not going to be able to show up as as
good in the relationship and then should show up other
(06:34):
than that. And and it seems like that's like a
very common thing today amongst a lot of brothers that
I have conversations with.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
What is that they want a woman who has the
knowledge of herself well.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Woman that shows up and she doesn't have that knowledge
to sell because there's there's a there's a flip side
to the point, which is this delusional thing where she believes,
feels thinks that she has a certain value because of
what she looks like, or how tight al how tighter
clothes are, how big a BdL is, or her or
(07:11):
her fake breasts, or or or how long and climb
risk her weave is, how expensive it is, like that
mean means something to her and to the women that
she's trying to compete in the press, But brothers don't
really see no value in that.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Okay, So let me ask you this so you're saying
a good girl doesn't have what'd you say, a BBL
What is that?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
No, that's a fake butt.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Oh, so good girls don't have fake faith.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
Good good girls.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Don't have fake butts.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
That's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Okay, what are you saying?
Speaker 2 (07:47):
What I'm saying is when a woman shows up and
she has a knowledge of self, that's what makes her good.
And what does the knowledge of self look like? When
she shows up with the knowledge of self, well cultural,
cultural or knowledge, a historical knowledge or spiritual foundation, she
shows up in effeminine energy. That feminine energy is that's
(08:08):
like if you were to think the nurturing, loving, caring
part of God and manifested on earth as a human being,
it would look like the woman. So when she's interest
in that feminine energy, she's shown up with that with
God or ask God or God in her is being
expressed and that comes from knowledge yourself, and she doesn't
(08:29):
have that knowledge it. So she's going to show up
based on how the world's shaped her think it how
the world supported her influenced her to think. And when
you look at how modern women show up today, it's
not really working for the black community.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Okay, all right, miss Stormy who. Let's start here with
a basic definition of a good girl. What's a good
girl in today's world.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
I believe that a good girl is a woman that's
grin found it first of all, in some spiritual practices,
whatever that may be. I respect everybody's belief, but I
think that you must know that you don't have the power,
you are part of the power.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Number one.
Speaker 4 (09:11):
I also believe that a woman that rooted on respect, integrity,
character and honor is a good girl. A woman that
knows her place, knows her responsibility. And I'll tell you
I had a BBL when I was actually twenty one
years old because I kind of had no choice. And
I'm forty four years old today and I had to
get that BBL removed because it was really causing some issues.
(09:36):
And I'm a good girl. I'm a single mom of three,
and I always was not a good girl. But I
did not like how I was showing up. I didn't
like the example that I was, and so I went
and did the work two step in my feminine power
in to be a quote unquote a good girl.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
I'm not married.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
I am single, but I do date one man and
I respect him as a man, and I do think
that a lot of as women. Because of our circumstances
in our environment, we don't have the capacity to be
feminine because we are taking on a lot of makaning rolls.
So I just want to let him know that that
we are going, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
We're being mother and father.
Speaker 4 (10:13):
We're being the ones that go get the money, you know,
and then we try to we try to cook and
clean at the same time. So it's not as easy
as it used to be for us to be in
that feminine role because we don't have the capacity to
do it.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
So wait a minute, because I don't want us to
lose track of the stew we make, and we getting
ready to make a cake and pancakes and Chitling's okay,
let's get the stew on the stove and then we'll
start putting more ingredients in. So if I heard you,
because I listened with my ears and my eyes, and
(10:44):
my tongue and my lips and my hair follicles and
my nipples, I listen with everything, I think I heard
you misstore me say that you weren't always a good girl.
Did you say that?
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Yes, s'am, I was not all it's a good girl. Okay,
So let's talk.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
About what is a bad girl? Talk about that.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
So I'll tell you, first of all, I don't want
to stay bad girl because I don't want to judge,
because we don't know a person's circumstances. You know, never
judge a man about his success, but what he had
to overcome to be successful.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
At thirteen years old, I didn't have no mom and
no dad.
Speaker 4 (11:20):
He was gone, and so I got into survival mode
and I was a stripper at thirteen. I didn't want
to be a stripper. But if you have no food
and the water is off and you found a way
to make some money, then that could be considered a
bad girl.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
But if I was a bad girl, circumstantially, let me
define bad and I'm not no heat, no judgment. We're
talking about in the way the world looks at it.
So you are absolutely right. Circumstances will force us into
situations that don't honor the best, the highest, and the
truth of who we are. But the world will still
(11:54):
look at that as bad a bad girl. So we're
not judging. But let's get a definition out there that
people can understand. Okay, all right, Okay, so you were
stripping at thirteen.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
I was stripping at thirteen.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
I was stealing food out of the grocery store at thirteen,
I was stealing clothes at thirteen. I was still in
school with no mom and no dad at thirteen, and
then end up having my first child at fifteen. So
I could look like I'm a bad girl, right, But
I had no choice. I was surviving. I was not
(12:29):
doing these things because I didn't have anything else to do.
I was trying to feel for myself. So people labeled me.
You know, I used to have to steal. I used
to dance, and I used to schem and scam because
I needed to eat. And then I had a child
at fifteen, so I was definitely enabled band girl until
I started to get exposed to another way. And that's
(12:51):
what makes me, you know, grateful to him went through
all the things I went through, because I do believe
that some girls are bad girls by choice because they
just don't want to try to be good girls. And
if some girls are bad because they have to survive.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah, yeah, And I think that that's part of the
challenge that we face. We get caught up in the
external and we look at it and we label it.
So again, we're just putting the ingredients in the stew.
We're gonna throw it all up on the wall in
a minute. Mister beware, how would you, as a man,
(13:27):
define a bad girl?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
I think me and other calls star on the same
page as that. I don't think it's too much different,
might be using different word. But she shows up and
she's not grounding us as some type of spiritual philosophy
or practice or foundation. She doesn't have any cultural awareness,
a think in this shaped by the world and motivated
(13:50):
by her emotions. That's a bad girl.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
All right, all right, We've got to take a break,
but I want to make sure you get this. So
get your pencil, your pen and your Hogwarts notebook and
take this down. A bad girl is one who has
no knowledge of self, who has no spiritual grounding, and
who allows the world, the external world, to define her.
(14:16):
And a good girl is one who has knowledge of
herself and who demonstrates that knowledge, and who more specifically,
is standing on a firm, solid spiritual foundation. We're going
to talk more about that right after this. Welcome back
(14:36):
to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
How do bad girls show up in relationships? Oh? Okay,
let's talk about that. I was going to ask, have
you ever had an experience with a bad girl? But
your face has told it all. How do bad girls
show up in relationships?
Speaker 4 (14:55):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Men, a man? Where do I start? All? Right? They
show up well as the definition that I just gave.
But what would that definition look like in a relationship.
It would look like a confrontational woman. It would look
like an argumentative woman. It looked like a disrespectful woman.
(15:15):
It would look like a woman that she's governed by
a delusional point of which is because what she looks like,
she thinks that's her value. A bad girl would show
up as very, very combative and confrontational. She's not inspiring you,
(15:40):
she's not talking to the god in you. I wants
her to minister say, you know, as my wife that
taught me how to be the man that I am.
And he explained how she would do that, and he
would say, you know, when she had upset or a
beef with him, instead of going she would be like,
you know, baby, I really enjoy and I really like
(16:01):
and I really look up to you, and I really
admire and and really speaking to him in that way
to motivate him and to push him to being the
man that he is. So when that when not that
bad girl, she can motivate a man. She can only
excuse the expression, you might got to beat this part out.
But she can only speak to the in you. She
can't speak to the gun in you because she because
(16:23):
she doesn't have those spiritual those footies. So when she
when she's grounded, when she had that spiritual of development
practice in her life and it's forefront of her life,
then then she'll she can speak to that in you.
But I haven't experienced a lot of women who do
that in my own personal relationships now because of how
(16:45):
I'm move and who I am. They'll try to show
up and fake it. You know, they'll try to show
up in it. They'll talk that language, you know, they
talk that metaphysical language, and they're talk that peace brother,
peace king, and you know they start off like that,
but but it doesn't hold water because very shortly, you know,
the truth of who they are shortly comes out and
(17:07):
you can't really hide that bad girl.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
So the thing that I find very interesting is how
you're defining a bad girl is about her presence her
speaking how she uh stands within herself as a as
a woman, Miss Stormy. Let me ask you this as
what the world might say, because you were a stripper,
(17:30):
is a bad girl? What about a woman with a
high body count? Is she a bad girl?
Speaker 3 (17:38):
I would tell you this.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
I think that as a woman, you know who you
allow intimate intimacy with you. They need you know those
so spiritualized with you. I think if a woman is promiscuous,
I will be honest with you. Yes, I think that
that is one of the definitions of a bad girl.
But I want to also speak to about that. He said,
I used to be like that. I'll tell you that.
(18:00):
I used to be very domasculating. I used to be
very abrasive. I used to try to purposely like tear
a man down. Until I worked on my feminine energy.
Until I realized that if I'm dating you, I'm I'm
better off building you up then than tear you down.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
And I had yes.
Speaker 4 (18:22):
And I want to tell you that I had to
do a lot of work, and it came from me
looking at how it looked. I watched other women be
like that, and I would be like, damn, am I
am I, and am I am? I showing up like that,
I realized how bad it looked. And then I can
tell you this. I started to realize the pattern in
my dating that I was dating the same the same
men in different bodies. And so when I started to
(18:43):
look observed myself, because I observed myself all the time,
I realized that it was because of me. I was
attracted to me who I was, and so I had
to do a lot of work too. I was never
promised you with Thank god, I never I don't have
a high body count or anything like that. I might
have as but I was never a promiscuous girl, right,
but I would just you know, stay this to even you,
(19:04):
miss like y'all are a lot of women.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Who have a high body count.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
I think that that affects their self esteem and because
they know that, they kind of feel like they have
no value because of it. Because when you have sex
with so many different men, you can't help but know
that that energy is still within you. So until you
go do some spiritual work and get that release, you
don't know how much you're being suppressed by those sexual partners.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Okay, so wait a minute, wait a minute, miss Stormy,
what about the fifteen, sixteen year old who doesn't have
a mother and a father, who doesn't have anyone to
whom she's accountable, anyone who's responsible for her. And that's
a quick way, that's the oldest profession in the world
for a young girl who's unsupervised, unprotected, un guided to
(19:57):
make some money. And she's not doing it because she wants.
She's doing it because she has to. Just like you,
you got to strip some get to lag. Is she
a bad girl because she's got a high body count
out of necessity?
Speaker 4 (20:12):
So interesting, I'll tell you. If you look at it
from that perspective, of course not. But let's be honest.
If you have slept with ten fifteen men by the
age of fifteen, you have ten to fifteen soul times.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
And no matter how.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
We want to put a story in a twist, because
again I was a stripper, I was a stripper. I
know for a fact every man that you ever have
sex with, you see them some way in your life.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
You a.
Speaker 4 (20:39):
That energy of them show up. So you are and
you are a bad girl. And I'm gonna tell you
what what has changed my life? When I put real
titles on what something is?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
It?
Speaker 4 (20:48):
Helps me to realize that that is a problem that
I need to solve. And so when you label something
as what it is, but you don't become victim of
that thing, I think that helps you to move to
the opposite of that, you know, because the goal is
not to stay the same. The goal is to say, Okay,
this is who I was circumstantially. But when do you
(21:09):
get to a point that you say I shouldn't be
sleeping around with ten fifteen men. That's tamp down my stuff,
word and my stuff. Sure, I guess you have to
do it.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
If you have to do it, I guess you stop
sleeping with men when you can get old enough, maybe
to get a job, you know, or where somebody takes
you in. I just want to make that clear because
in today's world, there are a lot of young women
who are on their own and they will turn that way.
(21:40):
Then there's a lot of young women who choose it
because it has money attached to it. But beware, I'm
not letting the men off the hook here. Let me
ask you a question. Yes, many men want a bad
girl because she's also fun and sexually adventurous. Uh huh,
you've heard. I know you've heard that that men want
(22:05):
a lady.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Freaking a bed.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
So is a freaking a bed a bad girl? And
what responsibility do men take for supporting women and being
bad in order to please them? Let's let's have that conversation,
mister Beware.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Well to answer the second question. First, men play a
major role in that as the leader of the family
of the community, or supposed to be leader and the
family of the community. You know how he's set in
that tone. So if he's if he's not grounded in
his spiritual practice, if he's not guided his knowledge and self.
(22:45):
And this is the man that she's laying down with,
one of those brothers they call body counts. And if
she's allowing him to deposit himself into her body, that's
the role that he plays. Because as all of you
sisters mayn bear witness or not, maybe I can share
this from my experience. When you and a strong, emotionally
(23:09):
heightened relationship with a woman myself, then what I find
is that she begins to take on my characteristics, she
begins to talk like me, she begins to use my language,
she begins to pick up my habits, and she starts
to exercise my mindset. So if I'm a brother, that's
not well I'm supposed to be in life. You know,
(23:31):
the sun shines on the moon, no sunnin sunshine shine
on the sun. So if the sun is not shining
the way supposed they shine, everything in the galaxy is
going to be impacted and affected. The man is symbolic
for the sun, the woman is symbolic for the moon.
So in this case, how does the good girl become bad? Well,
the minister always says that most no good women are
(23:53):
no good because of some no good mad.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Okay, let me ask a question. Wait a minute, wait
a minute, let me let me take this the take
this to another level. So you're you know, you've got
knowledge yourself and you're in the world. I mean you know,
you got your wife at home and you go out
and cheat on her.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Okay, that was that was me. You go out with
the bad girls. Okay, So what do you think that
you having the good girl and dishonoring her or betraying
her trust or violating her by being with the bad girl.
How do you balance that out? What is that about?
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Well, if I'm using my own situation, right, you know
what may seem good to you, may not seem good
to me. So you you could call my situation good
from the outside looking in, but me that's sitting in
the inside of it, it may not have been a
good experience for me. And you won't know what that
experience is like for me until you conversate with me
(25:01):
or communicate with me. And I shared that with you.
So I can't see how people can say a situation
is good but when they don't.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Know, well, which situation are you talking about. She's home,
she's following, she's following your lead, she's doing what it
is that you know your partner is to do as
a woman with self knowledge, and blah blah blah. And
then you see a bad girl and you lose your
durned mind.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah I don't know, but I mean that's that's that's
how that is hypothetical, this hypothetical situation. Excuse me, I'm
being tongue tight. So I like to deal with more
in reality, miss miss so and so saying that the
bad girl is she's tempting. In my opinion, the good
(25:54):
girl is the most exciting. You know, She's the one
that's exciting to me. And again, for me, the good
girl is the one that's grounded in the knowledge of self.
She's grounded. So just because the other one me look
nice and she speaks nice and got a nice voice
and go to church on Sunday, That's what I'm saying.
That appearance can be an illusion to someone that's looking
(26:16):
out in but for those for those who on the inside,
they don't experience that person that's good for me. Good
is that woman that's speaking to the God in me,
that woman that's that that that that can speak to
me in such a way that she can motivate me
by by with simple words or a simple touch or
a simple gesture and both motivate me to be more
(26:38):
in tune with the God that that's within me, more
in tune on my divine mission, more into on my
divine assignment. That that's what's good to me and and
and to me even in the bed. Those girls are
even more better than the one that do acknowledge itself
because the one I have knowledge it self, she's in
tune with that feminine energy and she know how to
turn it on. That woman that don't have a little femininity,
it's just a it's a dance for her it's just choreograph.
(27:01):
That's what it is for. She don't know nothing else.
She's not connecting with her man's spin fit going on there.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Well, let me ask let me ask you. Well, first
of all, let me make a confession. Okay, clutch your
pearls right now, clutch them way up to your throat
because this is gonna choke. I used to be I
used to be a bad girl. All ahead, let me
tell you why I was a bad girl because I
(27:33):
had bad character. So, miss store Me, my question to you,
is a bad girl defined by bad behavior or is
she defined by bad character? Because I'm confessing I was
a bad girl because I had bad character? What do
you say to that, Miss store Me?
Speaker 3 (27:50):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
So, first of all, I'm so happy to ask me
that question. I promise you I can't make this up
this morning, and we're gonna go. I look at the
word intimacy and I say intimate, So I want you
all to see into.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Me right now.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
But yes, yes, I live my life on respect, integrity,
character and honor. And that's my acronym for the word rich.
You could be the sexiest, the most fabulous. You can
have Burking Bags, Chanelle Bags, drive Ron and the Rolexe,
I mean Roland joh Ron and the Roads Voice. We'll
all kind of be big diamonds. And guess what you have?
(28:23):
Poor character? You are a bad girl character. Now, I
tell people all the time, hustle will take you places,
but your character will keep you there.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
You have to have good character.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
And I think that you should measure a man, buy
his character, measure a woman buy her character. And I
love what he said when you know he talked about
you know, does she speak to the King and you?
Because a woman of good character can only stay good
off her tongue. Of course, there are some times where
we stay bad because it's necessary.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
But yeah, well you have good character, you know.
Speaker 4 (28:50):
I believe that you get to open up new doors
speeds because people see your soul through your character.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
All right, here's the headline. Y i'm la Mama, y
i'm la Auntie Yamla was a bad girl.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. Woo, we got some This is not a stew,
this is a gumbo. We got some pork in here,
some beans, some everything cooking up in here. Talking about
bad girls, good girls? What makes a bad girl? What
makes a good girl? What makes a good girl go bad?
(29:28):
How do you get a bad girl to be good? Misstormy,
what is it that you wanted to say?
Speaker 4 (29:34):
I just think that internally, as we change our internal dialogue,
like you, Mama Ayalla, who was once a band girl bad?
Speaker 1 (29:43):
I was bad to the bone?
Speaker 3 (29:45):
Did you see?
Speaker 4 (29:46):
I mean you feeling in your soul when it's time
to change this awful levity comes in all of us.
I believe we should get to a point where we
start feeling it in our soul that this is just
not right. And when you get there, you will find
the resources to be able to help you to develop
in your character and to relinquish.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
The bad girl mentality.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
So I think long as you grow and mature through
whatever that feaster was? So what did she was bad?
Did you just can't? We just can't stay bad? And
I think that is where a real power lies, where
we could say I used to be this, but hey,
how I started, Now how I have to finish?
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Hey look at me now. So I love to tell
people I used to be a stripper.
Speaker 4 (30:22):
I love to tell people that I dropped out of
school in the tenth grade and I was a teenage mom.
But I love to also tell them I to have
a choice. But now that I'm an adult and I
know better, I do better.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
Well. My guests today have really given us all something
to think about, particularly me, because I would have never
thought that I was a bad girl, but absolutely I was.
I didn't even know I was a bad girl, but
bad in terms of how we are measuring it and
(30:53):
what it is that we're measuring, And a lot of
it has to do with what we know and what
we don't know, what we do from a place of
necessity or habit, or the stories that we make up.
It's really about what's in your heart. It's about how
you see yourself, how you hold yourself. It's all about
(31:15):
what you think is necessary and what you're willing or
unwilling to do. Good girls how do they go bad?
Bad girls? How do they become good? And what is
good and what is bad based on the person's needs,
their experience, their history, their personality. Boy, I wonder how
(31:38):
many other good girls there are out there who've come
to the realization that they were really bad. How many
bad girls or people who've been labeled bad girls are good.
So I guess the question becomes, how does a bad
girl transform into a good girl so that she can
(32:01):
become a good wife, and a good mother and a
good person, not in the eyes of the world, but
in her own mind and in her own heart, understanding
that who she was may have been a matter of
necessity or miseducation. I want to look at that. We'll
(32:22):
talk about that next week right here on the R Spot.
Thank you for tuning in today. I hope that you've
heard something that you can use to make your relationship
with yourself and everybody else better. I'll see you next week,
but in the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces.
Speaker 5 (32:41):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
The R Spot is a productuction of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
I am Ayamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I
spent time in a relationship with a married man. I
had to learn the skills and tools required to make
my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the r Spot,
a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
(00:35):
and Welcome to our spot, the place we come to
talk about relationships, all things relationships, all kinds of relationships,
and the people in the relationship. Because you know, a
relationship is really a neutral thing, but when you put
people in it, it can be a divine experience or
(00:56):
a hot mess. But we want to learn the tools,
the skills, the principles, the practices that will elevate all
of our relationships into fulfilling experiences, loving experiences, the places
we go to heal and learn and exchange the most
(01:18):
powerful parts of us, the parts of us that are
loving and kind and generous. So today we're going to
cook up a really peppered stew ha a stew about
people in relationships and their history and their past. And
(01:38):
for me, it kind of grows from the lyrics of
a song sung by Jasmine Sullivan treat us bad, make
us sad, then wonder why we are mad, because I
know that is a story for so many women. They
are mad as hell about the way that they've been treated.
(01:58):
But one of the things that's kind of grown out
of this, out of the treatment women have experience and
about the experiences that they've had, it's this whole notion
of a bad girl and a good girl. There's an
age old, principal practice expectation about women in relationships, and
(02:21):
that's that they are good girls. Good girls. Now what
in the blazon of Jesus is a good girl? Is
that a church girl? Is that a virgin? Are there
virgins anymore? I don't even know what is a good
girl for me. A good girl was one she was,
(02:44):
first of all a virgin, or she lied about being
a virgin, or could fake be in a vision. She
went to church, She you know, wore her dresses at
a respectable length, her hair was always cofferred, and she
probably had some white gloves, and she wore her purse
and the crook of her arm. And a bad girl
(03:05):
was one whose dress was a little too tight or
too short. She was one who climbed in the backseat
of the car. She was one who had really a
bad reputation. She was a skunk, and that's what we
used to call them in my day. They don't even
use that word anymore. She was a skunk and she
was fast. Oh yeah, she was fast. Those were bad girls. Today,
(03:27):
bad girls are rewarded. There is a bad girl's television show,
and we see so many things on social media and
in the world where bad girls are getting a check
for being bad, and the badder they are, it seems
that the more we like it. But when you talk
to men, when you talk to men about these so
(03:50):
called bad girls, they are not feeling it at all. Okay,
So here's the question that we're going to look at today.
We're gonna look at this and I've got two co
hosts with me today who have very strong opinions on
both sides. What happens when a good girl goes bad?
(04:12):
What does that look like? And what does that mean?
And can you take a bad girl and make her good?
That's what we want to look at. Good girls, bad girls,
and what is the meaning of it all. So I've
got two co hosts today. I've got Beware from carab
Life Media and he is in the dance hall arena,
(04:35):
so he sees good girls gone bad, bad girls gone
good and when they mix it up with bad boys,
good boys. I mean, it is just a thing to behold.
And I have with me this morning as my support
my other co hosts Stormy Wellington, who is known worldwide
(04:56):
as Coach Stormy. Coach Stormy, and she uses her influence
and her platforms and her voice. I love it her
voice to really help thousands and thousands of women embrace
their authentic self. And what if that authentic self is
(05:17):
a little feisty, what we call bad, what does she
do with that? And what do the guys think about it?
So welcome, Beware, Welcome Stormy. I think we've got a
hot topic this morning, so I want to dive right in.
I'm going to start with you, Beware, since most women
(05:38):
really want to please and attract men, Can you tell
me what is a good girl? What do you, as
a man consider to be a good girl?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
What is that a good girl is? Oh, my opinion,
is a woman that that she's foundedd in the knowledge
of herself, a culture, her history of community, relationship with
God is also in there. That's like first and foremost,
(06:12):
because that's going to determine how she shows up in
the relationship. Is the effort is the information that she has.
So if she doesn't have the right information or that
that information that you say is good, she's not. She's
not going to be able to show up as as
good in the relationship and then should show up other
(06:34):
than that. And and it seems like that's like a
very common thing today amongst a lot of brothers that
I have conversations with.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
What is that they want a woman who has the
knowledge of herself well.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Woman that shows up and she doesn't have that knowledge
to sell because there's there's a there's a flip side
to the point, which is this delusional thing where she believes,
feels thinks that she has a certain value because of
what she looks like, or how tight al how tighter
clothes are, how big a BdL is, or her or
(07:11):
her fake breasts, or or or how long and climb
risk her weave is, how expensive it is, like that
mean means something to her and to the women that
she's trying to compete in the press, But brothers don't
really see no value in that.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Okay, So let me ask you this so you're saying
a good girl doesn't have what'd you say, a BBL
What is that?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
No, that's a fake butt.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Oh, so good girls don't have fake faith.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
Good good girls.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Don't have fake butts.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
That's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Okay, what are you saying?
Speaker 2 (07:47):
What I'm saying is when a woman shows up and
she has a knowledge of self, that's what makes her good.
And what does the knowledge of self look like? When
she shows up with the knowledge of self, well cultural,
cultural or knowledge, a historical knowledge or spiritual foundation, she
shows up in effeminine energy. That feminine energy is that's
(08:08):
like if you were to think the nurturing, loving, caring
part of God and manifested on earth as a human being,
it would look like the woman. So when she's interest
in that feminine energy, she's shown up with that with
God or ask God or God in her is being
expressed and that comes from knowledge yourself, and she doesn't
(08:29):
have that knowledge it. So she's going to show up
based on how the world's shaped her think it how
the world supported her influenced her to think. And when
you look at how modern women show up today, it's
not really working for the black community.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Okay, all right, miss Stormy who. Let's start here with
a basic definition of a good girl. What's a good
girl in today's world.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
I believe that a good girl is a woman that's
grin found it first of all, in some spiritual practices,
whatever that may be. I respect everybody's belief, but I
think that you must know that you don't have the power,
you are part of the power.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Number one.
Speaker 4 (09:11):
I also believe that a woman that rooted on respect, integrity,
character and honor is a good girl. A woman that
knows her place, knows her responsibility. And I'll tell you
I had a BBL when I was actually twenty one
years old because I kind of had no choice. And
I'm forty four years old today and I had to
get that BBL removed because it was really causing some issues.
(09:36):
And I'm a good girl. I'm a single mom of three,
and I always was not a good girl. But I
did not like how I was showing up. I didn't
like the example that I was, and so I went
and did the work two step in my feminine power
in to be a quote unquote a good girl.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
I'm not married.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
I am single, but I do date one man and
I respect him as a man, and I do think
that a lot of as women. Because of our circumstances
in our environment, we don't have the capacity to be
feminine because we are taking on a lot of makaning rolls.
So I just want to let him know that that
we are going, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
We're being mother and father.
Speaker 4 (10:13):
We're being the ones that go get the money, you know,
and then we try to we try to cook and
clean at the same time. So it's not as easy
as it used to be for us to be in
that feminine role because we don't have the capacity to
do it.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
So wait a minute, because I don't want us to
lose track of the stew we make, and we getting
ready to make a cake and pancakes and Chitling's okay,
let's get the stew on the stove and then we'll
start putting more ingredients in. So if I heard you,
because I listened with my ears and my eyes, and
(10:44):
my tongue and my lips and my hair follicles and
my nipples, I listen with everything, I think I heard
you misstore me say that you weren't always a good girl.
Did you say that?
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Yes, s'am, I was not all it's a good girl. Okay,
So let's talk.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
About what is a bad girl? Talk about that.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
So I'll tell you, first of all, I don't want
to stay bad girl because I don't want to judge,
because we don't know a person's circumstances. You know, never
judge a man about his success, but what he had
to overcome to be successful.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
At thirteen years old, I didn't have no mom and
no dad.
Speaker 4 (11:20):
He was gone, and so I got into survival mode
and I was a stripper at thirteen. I didn't want
to be a stripper. But if you have no food
and the water is off and you found a way
to make some money, then that could be considered a
bad girl.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
But if I was a bad girl, circumstantially, let me
define bad and I'm not no heat, no judgment. We're
talking about in the way the world looks at it.
So you are absolutely right. Circumstances will force us into
situations that don't honor the best, the highest, and the
truth of who we are. But the world will still
(11:54):
look at that as bad a bad girl. So we're
not judging. But let's get a definition out there that
people can understand. Okay, all right, Okay, so you were
stripping at thirteen.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
I was stripping at thirteen.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
I was stealing food out of the grocery store at thirteen,
I was stealing clothes at thirteen. I was still in
school with no mom and no dad at thirteen, and
then end up having my first child at fifteen. So
I could look like I'm a bad girl, right, But
I had no choice. I was surviving. I was not
(12:29):
doing these things because I didn't have anything else to do.
I was trying to feel for myself. So people labeled me.
You know, I used to have to steal. I used
to dance, and I used to schem and scam because
I needed to eat. And then I had a child
at fifteen, so I was definitely enabled band girl until
I started to get exposed to another way. And that's
(12:51):
what makes me, you know, grateful to him went through
all the things I went through, because I do believe
that some girls are bad girls by choice because they
just don't want to try to be good girls. And
if some girls are bad because they have to survive.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah, yeah, And I think that that's part of the
challenge that we face. We get caught up in the
external and we look at it and we label it.
So again, we're just putting the ingredients in the stew.
We're gonna throw it all up on the wall in
a minute. Mister beware, how would you, as a man,
(13:27):
define a bad girl?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
I think me and other calls star on the same
page as that. I don't think it's too much different,
might be using different word. But she shows up and
she's not grounding us as some type of spiritual philosophy
or practice or foundation. She doesn't have any cultural awareness,
a think in this shaped by the world and motivated
(13:50):
by her emotions. That's a bad girl.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
All right, all right, We've got to take a break,
but I want to make sure you get this. So
get your pencil, your pen and your Hogwarts notebook and
take this down. A bad girl is one who has
no knowledge of self, who has no spiritual grounding, and
who allows the world, the external world, to define her.
(14:16):
And a good girl is one who has knowledge of
herself and who demonstrates that knowledge, and who more specifically,
is standing on a firm, solid spiritual foundation. We're going
to talk more about that right after this. Welcome back
(14:36):
to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
How do bad girls show up in relationships? Oh? Okay,
let's talk about that. I was going to ask, have
you ever had an experience with a bad girl? But
your face has told it all. How do bad girls
show up in relationships?
Speaker 4 (14:55):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Men, a man? Where do I start? All? Right? They
show up well as the definition that I just gave.
But what would that definition look like in a relationship.
It would look like a confrontational woman. It would look
like an argumentative woman. It looked like a disrespectful woman.
(15:15):
It would look like a woman that she's governed by
a delusional point of which is because what she looks like,
she thinks that's her value. A bad girl would show
up as very, very combative and confrontational. She's not inspiring you,
(15:40):
she's not talking to the god in you. I wants
her to minister say, you know, as my wife that
taught me how to be the man that I am.
And he explained how she would do that, and he
would say, you know, when she had upset or a
beef with him, instead of going she would be like,
you know, baby, I really enjoy and I really like
(16:01):
and I really look up to you, and I really
admire and and really speaking to him in that way
to motivate him and to push him to being the
man that he is. So when that when not that
bad girl, she can motivate a man. She can only
excuse the expression, you might got to beat this part out.
But she can only speak to the in you. She
can't speak to the gun in you because she because
(16:23):
she doesn't have those spiritual those footies. So when she
when she's grounded, when she had that spiritual of development
practice in her life and it's forefront of her life,
then then she'll she can speak to that in you.
But I haven't experienced a lot of women who do
that in my own personal relationships now because of how
(16:45):
I'm move and who I am. They'll try to show
up and fake it. You know, they'll try to show
up in it. They'll talk that language, you know, they
talk that metaphysical language, and they're talk that peace brother,
peace king, and you know they start off like that,
but but it doesn't hold water because very shortly, you know,
the truth of who they are shortly comes out and
(17:07):
you can't really hide that bad girl.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
So the thing that I find very interesting is how
you're defining a bad girl is about her presence her
speaking how she uh stands within herself as a as
a woman, Miss Stormy. Let me ask you this as
what the world might say, because you were a stripper,
(17:30):
is a bad girl? What about a woman with a
high body count? Is she a bad girl?
Speaker 3 (17:38):
I would tell you this.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
I think that as a woman, you know who you
allow intimate intimacy with you. They need you know those
so spiritualized with you. I think if a woman is promiscuous,
I will be honest with you. Yes, I think that
that is one of the definitions of a bad girl.
But I want to also speak to about that. He said,
I used to be like that. I'll tell you that.
(18:00):
I used to be very domasculating. I used to be
very abrasive. I used to try to purposely like tear
a man down. Until I worked on my feminine energy.
Until I realized that if I'm dating you, I'm I'm
better off building you up then than tear you down.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
And I had yes.
Speaker 4 (18:22):
And I want to tell you that I had to
do a lot of work, and it came from me
looking at how it looked. I watched other women be
like that, and I would be like, damn, am I
am I, and am I am? I showing up like that,
I realized how bad it looked. And then I can
tell you this. I started to realize the pattern in
my dating that I was dating the same the same
men in different bodies. And so when I started to
(18:43):
look observed myself, because I observed myself all the time,
I realized that it was because of me. I was
attracted to me who I was, and so I had
to do a lot of work too. I was never
promised you with Thank god, I never I don't have
a high body count or anything like that. I might
have as but I was never a promiscuous girl, right,
but I would just you know, stay this to even you,
(19:04):
miss like y'all are a lot of women.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Who have a high body count.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
I think that that affects their self esteem and because
they know that, they kind of feel like they have
no value because of it. Because when you have sex
with so many different men, you can't help but know
that that energy is still within you. So until you
go do some spiritual work and get that release, you
don't know how much you're being suppressed by those sexual partners.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Okay, so wait a minute, wait a minute, miss Stormy,
what about the fifteen, sixteen year old who doesn't have
a mother and a father, who doesn't have anyone to
whom she's accountable, anyone who's responsible for her. And that's
a quick way, that's the oldest profession in the world
for a young girl who's unsupervised, unprotected, un guided to
(19:57):
make some money. And she's not doing it because she wants.
She's doing it because she has to. Just like you,
you got to strip some get to lag. Is she
a bad girl because she's got a high body count
out of necessity?
Speaker 4 (20:12):
So interesting, I'll tell you. If you look at it
from that perspective, of course not. But let's be honest.
If you have slept with ten fifteen men by the
age of fifteen, you have ten to fifteen soul times.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
And no matter how.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
We want to put a story in a twist, because
again I was a stripper, I was a stripper. I
know for a fact every man that you ever have
sex with, you see them some way in your life.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
You a.
Speaker 4 (20:39):
That energy of them show up. So you are and
you are a bad girl. And I'm gonna tell you
what what has changed my life? When I put real
titles on what something is?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
It?
Speaker 4 (20:48):
Helps me to realize that that is a problem that
I need to solve. And so when you label something
as what it is, but you don't become victim of
that thing, I think that helps you to move to
the opposite of that, you know, because the goal is
not to stay the same. The goal is to say, Okay,
this is who I was circumstantially. But when do you
(21:09):
get to a point that you say I shouldn't be
sleeping around with ten fifteen men. That's tamp down my stuff,
word and my stuff. Sure, I guess you have to
do it.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
If you have to do it, I guess you stop
sleeping with men when you can get old enough, maybe
to get a job, you know, or where somebody takes
you in. I just want to make that clear because
in today's world, there are a lot of young women
who are on their own and they will turn that way.
(21:40):
Then there's a lot of young women who choose it
because it has money attached to it. But beware, I'm
not letting the men off the hook here. Let me
ask you a question. Yes, many men want a bad
girl because she's also fun and sexually adventurous. Uh huh,
you've heard. I know you've heard that that men want
(22:05):
a lady.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Freaking a bed.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
So is a freaking a bed a bad girl? And
what responsibility do men take for supporting women and being
bad in order to please them? Let's let's have that conversation,
mister Beware.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Well to answer the second question. First, men play a
major role in that as the leader of the family
of the community, or supposed to be leader and the
family of the community. You know how he's set in
that tone. So if he's if he's not grounded in
his spiritual practice, if he's not guided his knowledge and self.
(22:45):
And this is the man that she's laying down with,
one of those brothers they call body counts. And if
she's allowing him to deposit himself into her body, that's
the role that he plays. Because as all of you
sisters mayn bear witness or not, maybe I can share
this from my experience. When you and a strong, emotionally
(23:09):
heightened relationship with a woman myself, then what I find
is that she begins to take on my characteristics, she
begins to talk like me, she begins to use my language,
she begins to pick up my habits, and she starts
to exercise my mindset. So if I'm a brother, that's
not well I'm supposed to be in life. You know,
(23:31):
the sun shines on the moon, no sunnin sunshine shine
on the sun. So if the sun is not shining
the way supposed they shine, everything in the galaxy is
going to be impacted and affected. The man is symbolic
for the sun, the woman is symbolic for the moon.
So in this case, how does the good girl become bad? Well,
the minister always says that most no good women are
(23:53):
no good because of some no good mad.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Okay, let me ask a question. Wait a minute, wait
a minute, let me let me take this the take
this to another level. So you're you know, you've got
knowledge yourself and you're in the world. I mean you know,
you got your wife at home and you go out
and cheat on her.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Okay, that was that was me. You go out with
the bad girls. Okay, So what do you think that
you having the good girl and dishonoring her or betraying
her trust or violating her by being with the bad girl.
How do you balance that out? What is that about?
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Well, if I'm using my own situation, right, you know
what may seem good to you, may not seem good
to me. So you you could call my situation good
from the outside looking in, but me that's sitting in
the inside of it, it may not have been a
good experience for me. And you won't know what that
experience is like for me until you conversate with me
(25:01):
or communicate with me. And I shared that with you.
So I can't see how people can say a situation
is good but when they don't.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Know, well, which situation are you talking about. She's home,
she's following, she's following your lead, she's doing what it
is that you know your partner is to do as
a woman with self knowledge, and blah blah blah. And
then you see a bad girl and you lose your
durned mind.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah I don't know, but I mean that's that's that's
how that is hypothetical, this hypothetical situation. Excuse me, I'm
being tongue tight. So I like to deal with more
in reality, miss miss so and so saying that the
bad girl is she's tempting. In my opinion, the good
(25:54):
girl is the most exciting. You know, She's the one
that's exciting to me. And again, for me, the good
girl is the one that's grounded in the knowledge of self.
She's grounded. So just because the other one me look
nice and she speaks nice and got a nice voice
and go to church on Sunday, That's what I'm saying.
That appearance can be an illusion to someone that's looking
(26:16):
out in but for those for those who on the inside,
they don't experience that person that's good for me. Good
is that woman that's speaking to the God in me,
that woman that's that that that that can speak to
me in such a way that she can motivate me
by by with simple words or a simple touch or
a simple gesture and both motivate me to be more
(26:38):
in tune with the God that that's within me, more
in tune on my divine mission, more into on my
divine assignment. That that's what's good to me and and
and to me even in the bed. Those girls are
even more better than the one that do acknowledge itself
because the one I have knowledge it self, she's in
tune with that feminine energy and she know how to
turn it on. That woman that don't have a little femininity,
it's just a it's a dance for her it's just choreograph.
(27:01):
That's what it is for. She don't know nothing else.
She's not connecting with her man's spin fit going on there.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Well, let me ask let me ask you. Well, first
of all, let me make a confession. Okay, clutch your
pearls right now, clutch them way up to your throat
because this is gonna choke. I used to be I
used to be a bad girl. All ahead, let me
tell you why I was a bad girl because I
(27:33):
had bad character. So, miss store Me, my question to you,
is a bad girl defined by bad behavior or is
she defined by bad character? Because I'm confessing I was
a bad girl because I had bad character? What do
you say to that, Miss store Me?
Speaker 3 (27:50):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
So, first of all, I'm so happy to ask me
that question. I promise you I can't make this up
this morning, and we're gonna go. I look at the
word intimacy and I say intimate, So I want you
all to see into.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Me right now.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
But yes, yes, I live my life on respect, integrity,
character and honor. And that's my acronym for the word rich.
You could be the sexiest, the most fabulous. You can
have Burking Bags, Chanelle Bags, drive Ron and the Rolexe,
I mean Roland joh Ron and the Roads Voice. We'll
all kind of be big diamonds. And guess what you have?
(28:23):
Poor character? You are a bad girl character. Now, I
tell people all the time, hustle will take you places,
but your character will keep you there.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
You have to have good character.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
And I think that you should measure a man, buy
his character, measure a woman buy her character. And I
love what he said when you know he talked about
you know, does she speak to the King and you?
Because a woman of good character can only stay good
off her tongue. Of course, there are some times where
we stay bad because it's necessary.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
But yeah, well you have good character, you know.
Speaker 4 (28:50):
I believe that you get to open up new doors
speeds because people see your soul through your character.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
All right, here's the headline. Y i'm la Mama, y
i'm la Auntie Yamla was a bad girl.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. Woo, we got some This is not a stew,
this is a gumbo. We got some pork in here,
some beans, some everything cooking up in here. Talking about
bad girls, good girls? What makes a bad girl? What
makes a good girl? What makes a good girl go bad?
(29:28):
How do you get a bad girl to be good? Misstormy,
what is it that you wanted to say?
Speaker 4 (29:34):
I just think that internally, as we change our internal dialogue,
like you, Mama Ayalla, who was once a band girl bad?
Speaker 1 (29:43):
I was bad to the bone?
Speaker 3 (29:45):
Did you see?
Speaker 4 (29:46):
I mean you feeling in your soul when it's time
to change this awful levity comes in all of us.
I believe we should get to a point where we
start feeling it in our soul that this is just
not right. And when you get there, you will find
the resources to be able to help you to develop
in your character and to relinquish.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
The bad girl mentality.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
So I think long as you grow and mature through
whatever that feaster was? So what did she was bad?
Did you just can't? We just can't stay bad? And
I think that is where a real power lies, where
we could say I used to be this, but hey,
how I started, Now how I have to finish?
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Hey look at me now. So I love to tell
people I used to be a stripper.
Speaker 4 (30:22):
I love to tell people that I dropped out of
school in the tenth grade and I was a teenage mom.
But I love to also tell them I to have
a choice. But now that I'm an adult and I
know better, I do better.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
Well. My guests today have really given us all something
to think about, particularly me, because I would have never
thought that I was a bad girl, but absolutely I was.
I didn't even know I was a bad girl, but
bad in terms of how we are measuring it and
(30:53):
what it is that we're measuring, And a lot of
it has to do with what we know and what
we don't know, what we do from a place of
necessity or habit, or the stories that we make up.
It's really about what's in your heart. It's about how
you see yourself, how you hold yourself. It's all about
(31:15):
what you think is necessary and what you're willing or
unwilling to do. Good girls how do they go bad?
Bad girls? How do they become good? And what is
good and what is bad based on the person's needs,
their experience, their history, their personality. Boy, I wonder how
(31:38):
many other good girls there are out there who've come
to the realization that they were really bad. How many
bad girls or people who've been labeled bad girls are good.
So I guess the question becomes, how does a bad
girl transform into a good girl so that she can
(32:01):
become a good wife, and a good mother and a
good person, not in the eyes of the world, but
in her own mind and in her own heart, understanding
that who she was may have been a matter of
necessity or miseducation. I want to look at that. We'll
(32:22):
talk about that next week right here on the R Spot.
Thank you for tuning in today. I hope that you've
heard something that you can use to make your relationship
with yourself and everybody else better. I'll see you next week,
but in the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces.
Speaker 5 (32:41):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
The R Spot is a productuction of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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