September 4, 2024 • 51 mins
Grab a pencil because Ms. Iyanla is taking us to relationship school! Certified relationship coach Kittie Rose joins the show to explore the essential building blocks of strong and lasting relationships.
Kittie shares her expertise by identifying harmful relationship behaviors and offering practical, actionable advice based on previous episode topics to help listeners improve their relationships.
You can follow Coach Kittie at @kittiejrose
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
Instagram & X: @IyanlaVanzant
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
(00:38):
Welcome to the R Spot. I am your host, your facilitator,
your support team. I am here today in service to
us all creating, developing, sustaining, growing, expanding better relationships. All
(01:00):
kinds of relationships, loving relationships, family ships, love ships, intimate shifts,
any kind of ship that we can be on or
be in to make our lives and our connection with
each other better. You know, I always say that relationships
are the classrooms of life. It's where we go to
(01:22):
learn more about ourselves. And unfortunately, we always make it
about the other person, what they're doing, what they're not doing,
how they're doing it, and what they're doing to us.
And the only relationship you ever have is the one
you have in with yourself. That's pretty horrible, but when
you think about it and what we endeavor to do
(01:43):
with each relationship or what we want to endeavor to
do is to grow more, to heal, more, to be more,
to give more, so that our relationship with ourselves, and
of course our relationship with our source, God, creator, whatever
you call it, becomes more intimate, more productive, more joy
(02:06):
filled and peace filled. So how are you doing out
there in your relationships? And what are you seeing in
your relationships that's teaching you about yourself? And when you
see it do you put your head under the pillar
and scream? Do you run screaming from the room? You know?
(02:26):
I always say that if you ever want to find
out how spiritual you are, get into a relationship, because
when you buy yourself you spiritual all as hell, okay,
But then when you get into a relationship, all your
stuff gets triggered and you get to see who you are.
So today I have a guess that's going to help
(02:49):
us understand that dynamic of seeing who we are, learning
who we are, but most of all, learning how to
handle it. How do you handle it when you see
yourself on your partner or your children, Oh my god,
on the kids. The kids will sure to tell you
who you are with your parents, with your family, and
how do you handle breakdowns and relationships? How do you
(03:12):
handle them with yourself? For yourself and then with the
other person. So my guest today I call it Kitty Rose.
Miss Kitty Rose is with us today. She is a
relationship coach and also is it a clinical psychologist? Do
you do clinical psychology therapists? Therapists? Clinical therapist? I love
(03:35):
that because give me some therapy please. I need it.
I need it, particularly when it comes to relationships, because
that's the most dynamic and difficult area of our lives.
So if you've ever hung out with Ace metaphor, you've
probably heard Kitty Seeing Kitty. She has her own platform
(03:59):
and her own clients, and we are honored to have
her here today on the R spot. How you doing,
miss Kitty?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
I'm doing wonderful. How are you?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
I'm excited. I'm excited to have another conversation with somebody
else about relationships.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
Of course, yeah, yeahship no, because everything is a relationship, food, money,
the earth, you know.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Right now, I think we're having a relationship with energy
in the world, with the energy that's coming at us
as we shift and change the leadership. It's just so
exciting for me. Now you combine psychological principles and practical experience,
(04:47):
because you know it's good you have all these psychological constructs.
But when your husband, your wife, your kids, your mama
getting on your nerve, that stuff that doesn't seem well
from your experience and with the people you work with.
What is the biggest And I know there are several,
(05:08):
but what is the let me say the biggest and
the most common challenge people have in relationships.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
As a general statement, I'm going to say conflict. Yeah, okay,
the breaking down more. I'm going to say what I
say a lot with couples is people don't practice a
lot of theory of mind. So a lot of people
don't understand that the person opposite of you will have
different beliefs, different intentions, different upbringings, different backgrounds and things
(05:40):
like that. And so when you're facing conflict, a lot
of times you want you to be the other person.
So you want to see you in your partner, in
your spouse, and it doesn't work like that. And a
lot of people haven't practiced. We hear a lot of
people say they're empathetic, but you haven't practiced perspective taking,
being able to see things outside of yourself. Being able
(06:01):
to understand that people have different perspectives of you, and
when they do, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. And
so when we have conflict, when we see couples who
have conflict, ego shows up. Ego is always going to
protect us. Pride shows up, and so our ego tells
us we have to protect ourselves against the very person
who is probably here to give us safety and security
(06:23):
and to love us and to understand us. But in
that space, that moment where you're supposed to be vulnerable,
a lot of people fight that and instead they try
to be right. They don't use effect of problem solving skills.
It's more so I want to be right what's right
versus what's wrong, what's moral versus what's in moral, and
that's what the problem is.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
So yah, that's a lightweb of putting it.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
But where we don't learn relationship skills, we learn a
square eco B plus B square eco C square. I
don't nobody nowhere, and I've got degrees up the wazoo,
and nobody I've never heard anywhere how to deal with
conflict and a relationship. Where do you learn that? That?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
And you know what that is a problem.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
But The thing is is that because it can't be
an excuse anymore, because we have so many free resources
online now right there's resources on TikTok, on Instagram, on YouTube.
But the problem is is that in our formative years
we have been conditioned and train how to be for
everyone else, how to exist for everyone else, how to
do for everyone else. We don't form a solid relationship
(07:30):
with ourselves. And because we have learned certain behaviors from
our parents, from our caregivers, from our earliest attachments, some
of those behaviors we carry on and we think that
they're normal. We normalize these unhealthy behaviors. We think that
that's the way the world is, and we don't see
outside of what we learned inside of our homes or
any social constructs that we have. But like you said earlier,
(07:52):
everything is a relationship. Everything that you have taken on,
every behavior, every response that you have learned, every way
of dealing with your anxiety, anything is relationship that you
have with yourself, with those things, with those characteristics, with
those qualities. And if you haven't learned from yourself, from
seeing the relationships that you've had with other people, from
(08:13):
listening to the complaints from listening to people talk about
the things that they didn't like. If you didn't listen
alone the way, you never equipped it yourself. And it's
not hard to do. So you just have to be
willing to receive that criticism from other people and take
things from a curious mind, and be willing to understand
things outside of yourself.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
Okay, this is loaded, miss kiddy.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
I'm always in their person I know.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
So let us break this down into bite sized pieces. Okay,
solid relationship with self, Yes, that's where it all starts.
Of course, solid relationship with self. How do you know
if you don't have a solid relationship with yourself? You
(09:01):
alone in your head without adult supervision, you're telling yourself
that everything about you is marvelous and wonderful. You meet
this person you love and they start pointing out things
to you. You use the word criticism. I want to
talk about the distinction between criticism, observation, and experience. So
let's go back to solid relationship with self. How do
(09:25):
you know if you do not have a solid, good, healthy,
functional relationship with yourself? How do you know?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Oh, now this is going to be layered.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Wait a minute, let me get a piece of paper.
So I can write it down so that I can
pick out the nuggets, because we got to get the nuggets. Okay, good, yeah,
go ahead, I got my paper.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
I think the first indicator is you not being able
to be alone, to be in that place of solitude
with yourself. Sometimes when people find themselves in a place
of solitude, they start having a negative self talk. They
start speaking bad things about themselves. The negative thoughts start
to become louder than the positives. That's one indicator that
(10:10):
you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself. Another thing
is being impulsive and being irrational. I think that when
a person is mood dependent and they behave based on
their mood, they behave based on their emotions. If they're
impulsive with their reactions and things like that, that shows
that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself because
(10:31):
you're not practicing control. You're also not practicing operating in
your wise mind, being able to function, realizing that you
have emotional processes, but also realizing that you have to
be logical as well. I think another indicator that a
person may not have a healthy relationship with themselves is
(10:52):
the problem solving skills. I think That's another one being
able to look for solutions. As I said previously, look
for solutions that are effective when you have a need
to be right when you're dealing with other people. That
really shows an internal conflict that you have with yourself.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Once again back to perspective.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
I also think that when a person cannot accept or
receive the positives positive things about themselves, people giving them compliments,
anything like that, when they discount and disqualify those positives,
it says a lot about the relationship that you have
with yourself because you probably have a lot of negative
or self limiting beliefs that you're operating in as well.
(11:33):
I think those are like the biggest indicators. And then
of course personal criticism and self doubt the indicators as well.
Constantly criticizing and beating yourself down or devaluing yourself, minimizing yourself.
Those show that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Oh well, alrighty, then a healthy relationship with self, Yes,
that's start. That starts that layser foundation for how you're
going to be in relationship with other Now, this is interesting.
I'll tell you my theory. But if somebody doesn't have
(12:12):
a relationship, healthy relationship with their self. Who in the
blazon of Jesus are they going to a trap? We're
going to talk about that when we come back. Right
after this break, Welcome back to the R Spot. My
(12:37):
guest today is Kitty Rose, a relationship coach, clinical therapist,
and we and we are looking at the intricacies that
cause breakdowns and relationships, how to develop a good relationship.
And before the break, I asked Ms Kitty, how do
(12:59):
you know if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself,
If you can't be alone, if you constantly engaged in
negative self talk, if you have impulsive, irrational, reactionary responses.
This term Miss Kitty introduced the wise mind. We're going
to talk about that in a minute. If you don't
(13:20):
have good problem solving skills, if you always have a
need to be right, if you cannot accept the positives
about yourself, and if you're involved in deep levels of
self doubt and self criticism, chances are you don't have
a relationship, a good relationship with yourself. But you went
to the bar and you met Booboo, and now Booboo
(13:43):
has a key and you all are living together. Tell me,
Miss kitty, who you will attract if you don't have
a good relationship with yourself. That's I want to know that.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Hmm I okay.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
I believe in ego mates, and I believe that we
attract our ego mates.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, what's the ego mate?
Hold on, you're going to drop some more stuff on here.
Why is mine ego mate? Okay, what's the ego mate?
Speaker 3 (14:14):
So your ego mate is pretty much the opposite of
your soulmate. It's not going to be or it's not
going to be a harmonious dynamic. Your ego is going
to go for what it knows. And if you have
an unhealthy relationship with yourself, that's probably rooted in an
unhealthy past, that you have a negative past, and so
your ego is going to attach to the person who
(14:35):
has similar trauma, who has negative experiences, who operates from
those negative experiences that they have endured in their formative years,
and that's who you're probably going to attract. That's also
who you're going to entertain as well, someone who's probably
just as broken as you. And I really don't like
to use a term broken, because we can say toxic
as well. Okay, and healthy behaviors and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
And so that person and is going to demonstrate to
you everything that you do to yourself, and they're going
to do it to their self, and nine times out
of ten they're going to do it to you, and
then that's going to make them the problem. Why don't
we see that? Why don't we understand that and know
(15:19):
that that your partner is your.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Mirror, because you know, a lot of people they don't
come into it with that understanding because they live in
fantasy worlds. A lot of people haven't practiced radical acceptance.
They have in practice actually living and accepting reality for
what it is. Reality also means seeing things outside of you,
owning up to who somebody is, understanding that people are
(15:44):
different from you, and people when we meet other people,
we see great characteristics or we end up putting on
characteristics to other people, placing characteristics onto other people that
we desire, and that just clouds our judgment because a
lot of people are ruled by their emotions. When you
connect with somebody, you've been lonely for so long and
just now you feel that company, you feel that possible companionship,
(16:08):
you disregard everything else. You disregard everything else, and you
create a fantastical idea what that's want to be, what
your life is going to be, and you get stuck
in that fantasy bond.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
You know my experiences, and you can tell me how
you've experienced this. When the broke, the wounds, when the
toxicity in me connects with the toxicity in you. It
takes me about ninety days to see it, depending upon
how much time we spend together, it takes me about
(16:41):
ninety days. That first ninety days we's kissing, hugging, licking, sucking, picking, doing,
eating off each other's plate, your farts, don't think none
of that. And then ninety days later I'm like, remember
that song? How did you get here?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Yes, And then you start to see it and like
wait a minute, hold up, why what is this? And
the response is then to make it about the other person,
right right, That to me is when the learned behaviors
start emerging. How you deal with conflict, how you keep
(17:23):
yourself safe, how you've created boundaries?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Right?
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Do you find that in working with people that that happens?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Yes, we talk a lot about emotion and emotional processes,
but we don't talk a lot about euphoria and how
it affects people. The newness of a relationship presents a
lot of euphoria. You feel that you feel this idea
of love that's not real, and you feel the bliss
the quote unquote happiness because it's not always real. Sometimes
(17:54):
these are faciety that come up, and in that newness,
a lot of times this person presents something that you
either have never had before or something that you have desired. Yeah,
and in those moments, like you said in the first
ninety days, which a lot of people actually see it
before that they just purposely and intentionally overlook these things,
or they ignore it or pretend like these problems don't
(18:15):
exist because once again, it doesn't fit the idea that
they have of that person or the idea that they
have of their life. So in that newness, a lot
of times you don't see those bad behaviors from yourself
and you pretend like the other person doesn't necessarily have
these bad behaviors, or you tell yourself that if you
love them enough, if you're with them long enough, if
you get to know them, if you take care of
(18:37):
them enough, these things are just gonna fade out. They're
just gonna go away, and it doesn't happen like that now. However,
as you said, after the ninety days, which most people
see it before once again, but.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Call it, they call it something else.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Once they see these things start to show up, they
see the negative behaviors, and other people they see the
unhealthy behavior patterns, and other people they see it in themselves.
It doesn't fit the narrative. They just try to go on.
When you don't, once again, back to radical acceptance. When
you don't accept reality for what it is, you cause
your own pain and suffering. That's what you do when
(19:17):
you create fantastical ideas. You can't point the finger at
somebody else because you cause that suffering for yourself. In
moments where you knew you should have walked away, you
should have set a boundary, you should have stepped back,
you didn't. Speaking of boundaries, a lot of people struggle
with that in itself, because bounties are rooted in how
much you respect yourself. If you respect yourself enough the
(19:40):
moment that you saw that this person was not healthy
for you, you would have walked away. Yeah, you can't set
a boundary if you haven't done that.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
You know, here is my I guess you call it
a pet peeve. Or when I talk to people about boundaries, Yes,
but I find so many, so very often we're having
a relationship with the person that they are not having
with us. You're all Dayton doing the wild thing, you know.
(20:13):
And particularly for women, they find themselves pregnant or they
planned the wedding and then when they talk to the man,
he's like, you know, that's not what I wanted. And
I say, well, what were the agreements that you made?
Did you have the agreement that this was a monogamous
relationship that you all were planning a future together. What
(20:36):
was the agreement? And so many people make have relationships
with no boundaries and no agreements and no deal breakers.
What's a deal breaker? What in the blazing of Jesus?
But anyway, when you start seeing yourself, yeah, but a
lot of people don't even know it's their self. That's
(20:56):
the thing. We don't know that what a partner is
showing us or what the person because sometimes it's your mother,
it's your system. We don't know that that's either an
aspect of us or that the way they're behaving it's
calling for something in us that we need to grow
or heal. Right, so your sister never pays her money back?
(21:20):
What are you growing or healing? Or your mother is
very critical of you? What are you growing or healing?
How do you do that? What happens if you don't
know it's you? How do you develop the problem solving
skills or techniques in a relationship because you don't know
it's you that you're looking at.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
I don't believe you can if you're always pointing a
finger at somebody else and you're not taking accountability. Okay,
and you there's no way. If you feel as though
you are a perfect individual, then you're being unrealistic to
begin with.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
I think that.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
If people come into more situations with a curious mind, yeah,
and practicing more willingness, that means that you're willing to
accept things that are outside of you. A lot of
people you can't collaborate with them. A lot of people
don't know how to compromise. There are a lot of
people who, in regards to conflict, they're more competitive in
(22:17):
their style of conflict. So it's more about what fits them,
my way or the highway, what's their narrative. If you
can't see outside of yourself, everyone else is always going
to be the blame.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
They are, Okay, So let's let's go through some common
relationship dilemmasat cheating. What is it about me that is
attracting the serial Cheatah, I'm good to him. I do everything,
(22:51):
I cook, I watched the you know, I fol the socks,
I walk the dog. We have great conversations. And this
mother lover cheats and lies about it. What is it
in me that's attracting the cheat? Though?
Speaker 2 (23:06):
It sounds like you're a people pleaser and you're sacrificial
and thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Thank you for that assessment. Break that down because this
is huge.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
So I think that when people are over accommodating and
people are people pleasers, they sacrifice so much of themselves,
so they put themselves in the inferior position, and they
put other people in superior positions. And if a person
who is whose goal is to manipulate you, or a
person who has like any personality disorders where they don't
understand empathy it's just about themselves, they're going to exploit
(23:40):
that that's a weakness that they can utilize. You will
sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of me, and
that's things that are obvious.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
You can always tell who's a.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
People pleaser in the way that they speak, in the
way that they be, in the way that they react,
in a way that they behave you see it. People
always pay attention to nonverbal behaviors. If they're there's a
serial cheater who just wants to put somebody else in
his basket, you want somebody who can still cater to
him or her or whoever and do whatever it is
that they want to do. They're going to look for
(24:11):
the person who's going to always give in. It can
be general conversation. You can meet somebody at a bar
and you can say, you know, I want to buy this.
You know I'm gonna get you something to drink.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Oh, no, I have it. Don't worry about it.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
Or if you're with friends and they see that you're
covering everybody, Oh don't worry about it.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I got it.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
They see that you're overly accommodating, you're going to pick
up you're a people pleaser. It's ales and you'll be
the person that they target.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
The other thing that I find about cheating or I
don't even think of it as cheating, I think of
it as a lack of integrity, Yes, a lack of trust.
And if you don't believe you can have what you want,
you're going to attract somebody who's going to prove you
(24:56):
right exactly. You want to loving healthy monoga mis relationship,
but you really don't believe you can have it, if
you're gonna attract the person that's gonna show you you
can't have that, Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Yeah, the person that reinforces those beliefs.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Okay, mm hmm. Cheating is huge. Cheating is huge. Let's
talk about domestic violence.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Oh okay, what's.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Going on in me that I'm gonna attract somebody that's
gonna punch me in my face, push me, choke me whatever.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
I honestly think when it comes to domestic violence, I
think that victims of domestic violence cannot place too much
blame on themselves. The one thing we can acknowledge, however,
that if you are a person who is going through
domestic violence and you have had a history or pass
of abuse, some people just go back to what's familiar.
(25:57):
Some people have just pult of natures to where they
just constantly repeat their past. It's not always on purpose.
Some people do it because they're trying to rewrite past.
Sometimes it's not intentional, and sometimes people go back to
these situations to change the past, thinking that they can
fix this, you know, they can prove that, you know,
(26:19):
they didn't have to be hit on or anything like that.
I think that a lot of people get stuck in familiarity,
and I'm not saying that that's everybody, because some people
really do fall victim to relationships with the abusers and
they didn't realize it because a lot of people come
in with all of these great things in the beginning,
these great characteristics. A lot of people are performative in
the beginning. They come in, they shower you with gifts
(26:41):
and praise and compliments, and you don't see the bad
in them, And the moment that you do see the.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Bad, they already grabbed you.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
They already have you in this deep hold, and you're
so emotionally invested that it's hard for you to break.
And once again, people struggle is believing that they can
love characteristics out of someone. You can't love someone to change.
That is something that they have to do.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
You cannot love certain characteristics out of someone. You can't
love them enough to love them out of their toxicity. Wow,
that's a lot. I want you all to think about that.
We're gonna come back with mss Kitty and Moore right
after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Kitty
(27:34):
Rose and I are discussing some common relationship challenges. We've
already looked at healing, having a good relationship with yourself,
and if you don't, you're gonna attract somebody a who
doesn't have a good relationship with themselves and who is
gonna mirror back to you what you do, and if
(27:54):
you make it about them, the healing is out the window.
Now we're talking about things that are common in relationships
and how it is we attract them. We talked about cheating.
Let me go back to cheating for a minute, Miss Kitty.
I have a question. If a person cheats and you
find out they cheat once, is it a guarantee that
(28:17):
they'll do it again? No? Okay.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Now, simply because with couples I specialize in infidelity recovery,
I can tell you that some people will go back
to cheating if you did not get to what the
root of the problem was. Yeah, the root of the problem,
regardless of unmet needs or unmet expectations. The root of
the problem is the offender, the person who engaged in
(28:41):
the infidelity. Yeah, but there are a lot of people
who actually are integral and they do realize that they've
made a mistake and they fix it. There are some
people who really do understand the impact that they have
had on their partner and they change.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
And there are a lot of.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
People who actually do look at themselves and do realize
that I really do have a problem that I have
to address.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
So no, it's not guarantee that they'll cheat again.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Miskidning. Can I ask you a question, how how's that
a mistake?
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Well, let me be light on this, Okay, there are
certain if we look at the root of it.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Sometimes people are under the influence.
Speaker 3 (29:19):
Sometimes they get too drunk and they really do engage
in something they're not supposed to. A lot of times
they can't even recall. The ones who did not make
the mistake where it was a conscious decision. Are the
ones who are just simply looking for the thrill again
to see if they have it, trying to relive experiences
that they had before, or are taking out the challenge
their anger from their partner or the marriage or relationship
(29:41):
and putting it into a different situation. The selfish people,
those are the ones who didn't make a mistake. When
we be light on that term mistake, Oh god.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Okay, yeah, because I'm trying to figure out you know,
it's not like the beeeness of just walking down the
street fell in a hole. You know, you gotta set
that thing up. So I made a mistake. You know,
I'm looking at you out of one eye, and you know,
the serial cheater. And again I believe that you know,
(30:11):
whether it's same sex relationships, had little sexual relationships. If
you are the partner holding the belief this is too
good to be true, I can't have what I want
if you have a history a betrayal, abandonment. I think
that you're going to attract somebody that gives you the
(30:31):
opportunity to create a clear boundary and to say no.
In terms of domestic violence, I lived in it. So
when I married it, you know, it took me a
minute to get it. But when I got it, I
got it. You know, I lived in a household where
there was domestic violence. I also lived in a household
(30:53):
where punishment or discipline of me, my brother, my sister,
as children was viol So whenever the partner was disturbed
or upset or whatever, the violence that came was familiar
to me, and I think that's true for a lot
of people. Let's talk about walk away under what circumstances?
(31:19):
Is it like I'm out and I ain't coming back
ever on the fifth of never, and will I be
back here? Yeah, I'm out, I'm done. No. How do
you know that it's time to walk away?
Speaker 3 (31:37):
When there's a direct violation of your boundaries, When you
realize that there is a lack of compatibility with the
majority of the values that you have, if you know
your own values, When there is a deep form of
emotional abuse, meaning maybe a person is constantly talking to
(31:58):
you in a condescending manner, This is ongoing patronizing, calling
you names, things like that, threats, I think that's when
it's time for you to realize you have to walk away.
I'm not saying these are things that you can't work through.
I'm saying that it takes a lot of self abandonment
and a lot of sacrifice to stay in those situations.
(32:19):
When you realize that you have had to sacrifice your
own happiness to maintain any sense of harmony in that
relationship or marriage, and you realize that no matter what
you do, you cannot get it back. It's time for
you to walk away. I do believe that. As you
said before, serial cheating is a no no. Yeah, maybe
(32:41):
one time you can recover. Multiple times you need to
walk away. There's foundational problems that you have within your
relationship or your marriage, and those are typic things you
cannot resolve.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
And then the other thing.
Speaker 3 (32:56):
I feel like it's time to walk away when there
is when there's a lot of influence outside of your
relational or marital dynamic. I think that's when it's time
for you to walk away as well. When the influence
is taken over you all's decision making as a couple,
it's taking over the security, the stability, it's time for
you to walk away.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
What do you mean outside influence like the mother in law,
the best friend, those.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
Kinds like codependent friendships and codependent in laws. For sure,
those are the ones who typically impede and cause problems.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Okay, all right, I hope you all are getting us.
I got like sheets of paper here I'm writing down
you know, I want to talk about this one because
this one is I don't know if this is a
walk away, if this is a fix it? What is
this one? But you've been in a relationship for a
(33:51):
while and then you go to bed Sunday night and
you wake up Monday, and there's like this disconnect when
you all are just together doing what you do, but
there's no intimacy, there's no communication, there's no I don't know.
It's like I call it the emotional disconnect. I think
if a couple is fighting, if they you know, have
(34:13):
those points of rub and they can fight and fight fairly,
if they still have you know, just passionate, wild connection
to one another even if they're fighting, I think that's okay.
It's when that indifference settles in, when you just become
indifferent and you're just existing, Well, how do you deal
(34:35):
with that? What happens is it usually happens, you know, ten, fifteen,
twenty years, and people are reluctant to disrupt their life.
So how do you manage an emotional disconnect?
Speaker 3 (34:50):
I think the dynamic that you're speaking of is the
withdrawal withdrawal dynamic, with both partners being withdrawn. When both
partners are withdrawn, that's the dynamic that's really hard to
come back from. Yeah, there is so much emotional space
that it's and it doesn't have to be emotional tension.
Like some people have accepted the fact that we're just
(35:10):
here for either the children because we live together. We're
trying to get through the lease. We've been together for
so long, we just don't want to start over. But
then there's going to be that, like you said, that
lack of emotional intimacy, conversations are going to be different.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
The friendship, it's probably going to be gone as well.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Desire, things like that, appreciation, all of those are gone
at that point when you are that far withdrawn, because
somebody has to become the pursuing again. But you don't
want it to feel one sided, and a lot of
people won't give up that to start over. I think
that once both partners are withdrawn, I think it's really
time for you all to decide what's going to be
(35:49):
best for your relationship and meaning. I think it's time
if you are to just walk away now. If there
is a pursue withdrawn dynamic where one person is still fighting,
maybe so, but then we have to figure out why
that other partner is so withdrawn.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
What happened.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Is this a personal issue?
Speaker 3 (36:08):
Is it something that happened within your relationship for your marriage,
and is it something that you feel you can put
in the efforts and do the work to actually bring
back because it still takes intentionality, and usually when both
people are withdrawing, they're not trying to be intentional to
fixing the problems because it's probably problems that have just
been swept under the rug for a long time that
haven't been addressed.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yeah, I let's talk for a moment about emotional intimacy,
because I think people can have emotional intimacy when they
don't have physical intimacy.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Yes, is that po?
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Okay, let's talk about what is emotional intimacy, because the
other flip side of that is you can have the
physical intimacy without the emotional intimacy. That's still that's that's bad.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
It is it is so emotionalcy is like that.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
Out of all forms of intimacy physical, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, financial,
social intimacy, emotional intimacy is the core of that. So
your ability to be able to connect with a person
outside of you on an emotional level, that means us
being able to have safe conversations, being able to have
(37:22):
vulnerable moments, having conversations about how we feel, working through
conflict while honoring our emotions, having empathy, being understanding, validating
one another, given reassurance. All of that is important. How
we regulating each other when we go through problems, how
we being coregulators. Those foundational things are important. If you
(37:42):
do not have emotional intimacy, it's going to threaten that
physical intimacy as well, because if I cannot connect with
you on a human level going through these emotional processes,
then everything's going to feel like an obligation.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
At that point.
Speaker 3 (37:57):
It's going to feel like I'm obligated to do so
so right now.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 3 (38:01):
Physical intimacy, as far as like being able to cuddle
in things like that, you can do that, but someone's
going to bear some type of resentment of not being
able to deepening that connection or that relationship. And I
think that as far as like outside of physical sexual intimacy,
I think that's usually is going to be one sided
if there's a lack of emotional intimacy, because somebody's going
(38:22):
to feel like it's just a chore the other person
enjoys it.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Right, mss Kendy. I have an interesting exercise. Let's build
a relationship. Let's you and I build a relationship on paper. Okay,
oh okay? What what would we need in this relationship?
Let's let's what would what would be the first ingredient
in us building a healthy relationship? What would that be?
Speaker 2 (38:50):
That's incompatibility? Comp values?
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Okay, compatibly wit a minute, I'm writing it down because
I might need this list one day. Compatibility What does
that mean? I like you? You like me? What? What does
that mean? Oh?
Speaker 3 (39:04):
It's so much zeper than that. Let's connect on our values.
We need to know what we value. You know, do
you value stability, security, financial stability, provision, family, spirituality, religion.
Let's talk deep and let's understand the root of our values.
So that means we need to understand family dynamics as well.
(39:24):
What type of family did you come from? Did you
come from a family where everyone was considered was Did
you have an authoritative family or an authoritarian who was
more about punishment rather than discipline. Let's talk those things
before we actually create this relationship first, and then let's
talk standards expectations as well. We can't come in with
(39:48):
this full list of standards. We need to break it
all the way down. What are my non negotiables. We're
not talking about how you what you wear and how
you dress and stuff, but let look at the very
things that are going to threaten my own personal stability
in my own life. Let's talk those things first. That's
the first key. Compatibility, Because a lot of people see
(40:13):
chemistry and forget compatibility.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
Sexual chemistry means nothing.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Okay, Okay, so we got compatible. We're building a relationship, y'all,
get your pencils. We're building a relationship. So compatibility that
means our values compatible. Do we have a family history
that creates certain propensities or how do we value family?
(40:37):
What are our standards? You mean personal standards, individual life standards?
Speaker 3 (40:42):
What kind of standards we're gonna say, personal and romantic standards? Okay, Oh,
because we have to honor ourselves too, So we have
to make sure that whatever it is that we're asking
for is honoring what it is that we truly need
in our life, not just our desires. It's measuring out
desires and needs. So sometimes people come through with this
(41:04):
laundry list of standards, right, and it's because they're coming
from a desperate place. So if you ever think about it,
if you go into a grocery store and you're starving,
you're going to select based off of the starvation that
you have, So you're gonna pick for everything.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
You're writing down everything I want this.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
Five hundred things, versus if you go and you are
truly fulfilled with yourself, which is what a lot of
people don't do, and that's why they have these long
lists of standards that people can't meet. If you are
a person who is not coming from a desperate place,
you have done so many great things for yourself, you're fulfilled.
You just really need romantic attributes and things like that. Now,
(41:41):
then you're not. If you think about a person who
is fully fed, they going to store, They're going to
go in for what they need, not just the things
that they want, what they need, their list is shorter.
It's the same way in romantic relationships. Fulfill yourself first,
so the things that you are asking of somebody are
literally just a compliment. Sometimes people create standards to try
(42:01):
to change people. If you're asking for someone who's well traveled,
what if this person doesn't value adventure like you do,
then what right and then what so you throw them
off that If that's just something that you absolutely cannot
compromise with, that's understanding. But some people's standards are not realistic.
They're asking for people to change, and that's why they
can't stick whenever they connect with somebody. The list doesn't
(42:25):
have to be long. Create the things that you truly need. First,
go through and see if you have any repetitives. Only
the things that you know are going to compliment you first,
and then add on those things that you would just
won't if it's not coming from a desperate place. When
we get desperate for love and companionship and things like that,
(42:45):
sometimes we get unrealistic with ourselves. And I think that's
what a lot of people struggle with.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
You know, at my age, my list is short, alive
with your own teeth, and you know, I think people
can want what they want and need what they need, but.
Speaker 3 (43:12):
It's okay to desire it. Not being realistic with yourself
is a problem.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
But there's so many women who don't think that that
is unrealistic.
Speaker 3 (43:22):
And that's unfortunate. Once again, radical acceptance. They don't accept
reality for what it is. This is a reality, this
is your life.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
Now on the flip side, our brother, easy money, he says.
If I'm paying the bills and paying the rent and
taking care of you and you don't have to work,
just shut up and spread your legs. That's all I
need you to do. Don't ask me nothing.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Well, yeah, don that sounds so dehumanizing.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Oh but do you know how many women will do
that to get the rent paid and have fancy shoes?
Do you know how?
Speaker 3 (43:59):
May I know how many are willing to make that sacrifice?
You know what, if it floats your boat, then go
for it.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
I guess.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
But what's the standard in that?
Speaker 2 (44:10):
I think those are.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
I think those are immature and unrealistic standards, to be honest,
because that's exactly those standards right there that create perpetual
problems with couples. Those are the problems that are simply
based in value and differences of personality and things like that.
If we come in and we're asking for I hate
to say it, we're asking for things that are not
(44:34):
going to hold any weight in a relationship. Eventually, it's
going to create problems and somebody's going to start resenting somebody. Okay, No,
I think that when we whenever we talk about standards.
It needs to be prioritized. What are the things that
are going to create longevity and peace and a healthy relationship.
(44:55):
Simply shutting up and spread of your legs is objectifying
and dehumanizing. No, someone's going to be upset. Tell somebody
that they have to be well traveled. That's okay if
you desire that, But you also can do those things
with the person.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Okay, let's continue building our relationship compatibility of value, standards, expectations,
What are your non negotiables, what are your personal and
romantic standards? What's your family history? How does family measure
into this? What else do we need to build our relationship?
Speaker 3 (45:29):
Boundaries? And also what's your relationship with yourself?
Speaker 1 (45:33):
Okay, yourself? Well the odd to people that are building
this relationship, they pretty good with they.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
Sell they're pretty okay.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
Okay, bound boundaries what about well, you know, boundaries, I
say agreements. Do we agree to be monogamous? Do we
agree not to withhold secrets? Do we agree? You know?
And that could be a boundary.
Speaker 3 (45:56):
So then that takes us back to our values and
our moral compass. Definitely that because you need to make
sure that neither one of you all has a faulty
moral compass. So let's talk about the importance of these things.
If do you believe that cheating is wrong. If a
person says, well, if you're a person who believes that
cheating is immral, and that other person's like, well, it
(46:17):
all depends. Okay, there's going to be some conflicts and
morals right there. So I think those things need to
be talked about as well. The importance of things lying, honesty,
fidelity versus infidelity.
Speaker 1 (46:29):
Absolutely, I call those deal breakers.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
I say you go in with your three deal breakers.
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. Calling me out
my name is a deal breaker lutely and messing with
my money. Don't put your hands in my person or
your signature on my check or yeah you know, and
I'm giving, We can share, we can support. I just
(46:55):
don't do that, okay, miss Kitty. Well, we got our
things here with We built our relationship on compatibility, values,
family history, standards, expectations. You know, I want to talk
about communication, but we'd be here for another two hours.
That means I'm just gonna have to have you come back.
(47:16):
Effective communication in a relationship, Oh my god. But I
want to do some rapid fire questions with you. Yeah,
all right? Why would a woman settle for being the
other woman?
Speaker 2 (47:30):
Love? Self? Work?
Speaker 1 (47:33):
What do you look for to determine whether your partner
has withdrawn or not withdrawn, you know, when they're not
present in the relationship. What do you look for?
Speaker 3 (47:43):
Lack of conversation, lack of emotional presence, negative talk towards
each other, negative conversations, constant criticisms, constant complaints of not
receiving enough valadays, enough reassurance yep, and them starting to
(48:05):
engage in hobbies and more interests outside of you that
don't include you.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
How do you know that your partner is controlling?
Speaker 3 (48:14):
They try to change you, They try to change you
to conform to what they desire of you. They try
to they over they end up, you know, constantly monitoring,
like your engagements with your friends, with your family, what
you wear, you know, education, academics, things like that. Those
show signs of controlling behaviors.
Speaker 1 (48:34):
Okay, how do you handle if your partner wants you
to do some freaky dicky stuff in the bedroom and
you don't want to do it? What do you do?
Speaker 2 (48:42):
You can be passive, You just have to be assertive.
Speaker 3 (48:45):
And just tell them what it is that you don't
like and what it is that you don't desire. Not
saying that you can't compromise, but if it's something that
you're absolutely uncomfortable with and you know that you're not
willing to compromise on that or whatever the internal conflict is,
you just have to speak on it and be well,
just be be prepared for the objection because you're going
to receive it.
Speaker 1 (49:04):
Whose responsibility is it to check the X? If the
AX is showing up in a crazy way? Who's responsibility
is it to check the X? Is it the ex partner?
Or is it the partners you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (49:18):
The person who had the relationship with them. It's their responsibility.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Okay, a meddling mother in law, how do you manage that?
Speaker 3 (49:29):
You talk to the child, that mother's child, You speak
to whoever your partner is, and you tell them exactly
what problems you're having, and you both need to sit
down and talk about boundaries that you need to create
with that mother in law. If it doesn't, if that
person feels uncomfortable, you're going to have to be the
person to have a conversation. And if for any reason,
(49:49):
she still doesn't respect it, because a lot of codependent
mother in laws will not respect the boundaries that you
create because it doesn't it doesn't benefit them. Then in
that moment, you have to go ahead and be firm
on consequences and if you both are not in agreeance,
then you have to start reassessing that relationships.
Speaker 1 (50:07):
That is a good one. I think that's wonderful. You
have given me some good stuff to work on, mis Kenny.
Where can people find you? Where can they hear from you?
If you're on tour with Where do they go to
find out about what you're doing?
Speaker 3 (50:21):
If they want to see me on tour either, I
have a moment to excel tour that is for all
women and we're working on self esteem, self security and
things like that. You can go to my website www.
Dot kittiose dot com slash tour. If you want to
see me on Tonight's conversation, of course, you can go
to as metaphor dot shop, and then you can always
find me on social media at Kitty j Rows on
(50:41):
all of my social media platforms.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
It has been a joy. I thank you so much.
I got my list right here. I'm gonna put it
up on all and when people call me, I'm gonna say,
did you do this? Did you do that?
Speaker 2 (50:54):
Well? Thank you so much for having me today.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Thank you for the work you're doing in the world,
because the more work you do, less work I have
to do. And I appreciate that. Thank you, Miss Kinny,
Thank you so much. I hope that you heard something
here today that will help you and your relationships. Go
back and listen to this again. I have four sheets
(51:16):
of paper, so I'm sure you should at least come
up with two here on the R Spot because we
want to support you and making your relationships healthier, joyful, peaceful,
and self supportive. That's it for me today. I will
see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace
and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a
(51:43):
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite show.
I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
(00:38):
Welcome to the R Spot. I am your host, your facilitator,
your support team. I am here today in service to
us all creating, developing, sustaining, growing, expanding better relationships. All
(01:00):
kinds of relationships, loving relationships, family ships, love ships, intimate shifts,
any kind of ship that we can be on or
be in to make our lives and our connection with
each other better. You know, I always say that relationships
are the classrooms of life. It's where we go to
(01:22):
learn more about ourselves. And unfortunately, we always make it
about the other person, what they're doing, what they're not doing,
how they're doing it, and what they're doing to us.
And the only relationship you ever have is the one
you have in with yourself. That's pretty horrible, but when
you think about it and what we endeavor to do
(01:43):
with each relationship or what we want to endeavor to
do is to grow more, to heal, more, to be more,
to give more, so that our relationship with ourselves, and
of course our relationship with our source, God, creator, whatever
you call it, becomes more intimate, more productive, more joy
(02:06):
filled and peace filled. So how are you doing out
there in your relationships? And what are you seeing in
your relationships that's teaching you about yourself? And when you
see it do you put your head under the pillar
and scream? Do you run screaming from the room? You know?
(02:26):
I always say that if you ever want to find
out how spiritual you are, get into a relationship, because
when you buy yourself you spiritual all as hell, okay,
But then when you get into a relationship, all your
stuff gets triggered and you get to see who you are.
So today I have a guess that's going to help
(02:49):
us understand that dynamic of seeing who we are, learning
who we are, but most of all, learning how to
handle it. How do you handle it when you see
yourself on your partner or your children, Oh my god,
on the kids. The kids will sure to tell you
who you are with your parents, with your family, and
how do you handle breakdowns and relationships? How do you
(03:12):
handle them with yourself? For yourself and then with the
other person. So my guest today I call it Kitty Rose.
Miss Kitty Rose is with us today. She is a
relationship coach and also is it a clinical psychologist? Do
you do clinical psychology therapists? Therapists? Clinical therapist? I love
(03:35):
that because give me some therapy please. I need it.
I need it, particularly when it comes to relationships, because
that's the most dynamic and difficult area of our lives.
So if you've ever hung out with Ace metaphor, you've
probably heard Kitty Seeing Kitty. She has her own platform
(03:59):
and her own clients, and we are honored to have
her here today on the R spot. How you doing,
miss Kitty?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
I'm doing wonderful. How are you?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
I'm excited. I'm excited to have another conversation with somebody
else about relationships.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
Of course, yeah, yeahship no, because everything is a relationship, food, money,
the earth, you know.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Right now, I think we're having a relationship with energy
in the world, with the energy that's coming at us
as we shift and change the leadership. It's just so
exciting for me. Now you combine psychological principles and practical experience,
(04:47):
because you know it's good you have all these psychological constructs.
But when your husband, your wife, your kids, your mama
getting on your nerve, that stuff that doesn't seem well
from your experience and with the people you work with.
What is the biggest And I know there are several,
(05:08):
but what is the let me say the biggest and
the most common challenge people have in relationships.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
As a general statement, I'm going to say conflict. Yeah, okay,
the breaking down more. I'm going to say what I
say a lot with couples is people don't practice a
lot of theory of mind. So a lot of people
don't understand that the person opposite of you will have
different beliefs, different intentions, different upbringings, different backgrounds and things
(05:40):
like that. And so when you're facing conflict, a lot
of times you want you to be the other person.
So you want to see you in your partner, in
your spouse, and it doesn't work like that. And a
lot of people haven't practiced. We hear a lot of
people say they're empathetic, but you haven't practiced perspective taking,
being able to see things outside of yourself. Being able
(06:01):
to understand that people have different perspectives of you, and
when they do, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. And
so when we have conflict, when we see couples who
have conflict, ego shows up. Ego is always going to
protect us. Pride shows up, and so our ego tells
us we have to protect ourselves against the very person
who is probably here to give us safety and security
(06:23):
and to love us and to understand us. But in
that space, that moment where you're supposed to be vulnerable,
a lot of people fight that and instead they try
to be right. They don't use effect of problem solving skills.
It's more so I want to be right what's right
versus what's wrong, what's moral versus what's in moral, and
that's what the problem is.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
So yah, that's a lightweb of putting it.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
But where we don't learn relationship skills, we learn a
square eco B plus B square eco C square. I
don't nobody nowhere, and I've got degrees up the wazoo,
and nobody I've never heard anywhere how to deal with
conflict and a relationship. Where do you learn that? That?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
And you know what that is a problem.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
But The thing is is that because it can't be
an excuse anymore, because we have so many free resources
online now right there's resources on TikTok, on Instagram, on YouTube.
But the problem is is that in our formative years
we have been conditioned and train how to be for
everyone else, how to exist for everyone else, how to
do for everyone else. We don't form a solid relationship
(07:30):
with ourselves. And because we have learned certain behaviors from
our parents, from our caregivers, from our earliest attachments, some
of those behaviors we carry on and we think that
they're normal. We normalize these unhealthy behaviors. We think that
that's the way the world is, and we don't see
outside of what we learned inside of our homes or
any social constructs that we have. But like you said earlier,
(07:52):
everything is a relationship. Everything that you have taken on,
every behavior, every response that you have learned, every way
of dealing with your anxiety, anything is relationship that you
have with yourself, with those things, with those characteristics, with
those qualities. And if you haven't learned from yourself, from
seeing the relationships that you've had with other people, from
(08:13):
listening to the complaints from listening to people talk about
the things that they didn't like. If you didn't listen
alone the way, you never equipped it yourself. And it's
not hard to do. So you just have to be
willing to receive that criticism from other people and take
things from a curious mind, and be willing to understand
things outside of yourself.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
Okay, this is loaded, miss kiddy.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
I'm always in their person I know.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
So let us break this down into bite sized pieces. Okay,
solid relationship with self, Yes, that's where it all starts.
Of course, solid relationship with self. How do you know
if you don't have a solid relationship with yourself? You
(09:01):
alone in your head without adult supervision, you're telling yourself
that everything about you is marvelous and wonderful. You meet
this person you love and they start pointing out things
to you. You use the word criticism. I want to
talk about the distinction between criticism, observation, and experience. So
let's go back to solid relationship with self. How do
(09:25):
you know if you do not have a solid, good, healthy,
functional relationship with yourself? How do you know?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Oh, now this is going to be layered.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Wait a minute, let me get a piece of paper.
So I can write it down so that I can
pick out the nuggets, because we got to get the nuggets. Okay, good, yeah,
go ahead, I got my paper.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
I think the first indicator is you not being able
to be alone, to be in that place of solitude
with yourself. Sometimes when people find themselves in a place
of solitude, they start having a negative self talk. They
start speaking bad things about themselves. The negative thoughts start
to become louder than the positives. That's one indicator that
(10:10):
you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself. Another thing
is being impulsive and being irrational. I think that when
a person is mood dependent and they behave based on
their mood, they behave based on their emotions. If they're
impulsive with their reactions and things like that, that shows
that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself because
(10:31):
you're not practicing control. You're also not practicing operating in
your wise mind, being able to function, realizing that you
have emotional processes, but also realizing that you have to
be logical as well. I think another indicator that a
person may not have a healthy relationship with themselves is
(10:52):
the problem solving skills. I think That's another one being
able to look for solutions. As I said previously, look
for solutions that are effective when you have a need
to be right when you're dealing with other people. That
really shows an internal conflict that you have with yourself.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Once again back to perspective.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
I also think that when a person cannot accept or
receive the positives positive things about themselves, people giving them compliments,
anything like that, when they discount and disqualify those positives,
it says a lot about the relationship that you have
with yourself because you probably have a lot of negative
or self limiting beliefs that you're operating in as well.
(11:33):
I think those are like the biggest indicators. And then
of course personal criticism and self doubt the indicators as well.
Constantly criticizing and beating yourself down or devaluing yourself, minimizing yourself.
Those show that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Oh well, alrighty, then a healthy relationship with self, Yes,
that's start. That starts that layser foundation for how you're
going to be in relationship with other Now, this is interesting.
I'll tell you my theory. But if somebody doesn't have
(12:12):
a relationship, healthy relationship with their self. Who in the
blazon of Jesus are they going to a trap? We're
going to talk about that when we come back. Right
after this break, Welcome back to the R Spot. My
(12:37):
guest today is Kitty Rose, a relationship coach, clinical therapist,
and we and we are looking at the intricacies that
cause breakdowns and relationships, how to develop a good relationship.
And before the break, I asked Ms Kitty, how do
(12:59):
you know if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself,
If you can't be alone, if you constantly engaged in
negative self talk, if you have impulsive, irrational, reactionary responses.
This term Miss Kitty introduced the wise mind. We're going
to talk about that in a minute. If you don't
(13:20):
have good problem solving skills, if you always have a
need to be right, if you cannot accept the positives
about yourself, and if you're involved in deep levels of
self doubt and self criticism, chances are you don't have
a relationship, a good relationship with yourself. But you went
to the bar and you met Booboo, and now Booboo
(13:43):
has a key and you all are living together. Tell me,
Miss kitty, who you will attract if you don't have
a good relationship with yourself. That's I want to know that.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Hmm I okay.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
I believe in ego mates, and I believe that we
attract our ego mates.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, what's the ego mate?
Hold on, you're going to drop some more stuff on here.
Why is mine ego mate? Okay, what's the ego mate?
Speaker 3 (14:14):
So your ego mate is pretty much the opposite of
your soulmate. It's not going to be or it's not
going to be a harmonious dynamic. Your ego is going
to go for what it knows. And if you have
an unhealthy relationship with yourself, that's probably rooted in an
unhealthy past, that you have a negative past, and so
your ego is going to attach to the person who
(14:35):
has similar trauma, who has negative experiences, who operates from
those negative experiences that they have endured in their formative years,
and that's who you're probably going to attract. That's also
who you're going to entertain as well, someone who's probably
just as broken as you. And I really don't like
to use a term broken, because we can say toxic
as well. Okay, and healthy behaviors and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
And so that person and is going to demonstrate to
you everything that you do to yourself, and they're going
to do it to their self, and nine times out
of ten they're going to do it to you, and
then that's going to make them the problem. Why don't
we see that? Why don't we understand that and know
(15:19):
that that your partner is your.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Mirror, because you know, a lot of people they don't
come into it with that understanding because they live in
fantasy worlds. A lot of people haven't practiced radical acceptance.
They have in practice actually living and accepting reality for
what it is. Reality also means seeing things outside of you,
owning up to who somebody is, understanding that people are
(15:44):
different from you, and people when we meet other people,
we see great characteristics or we end up putting on
characteristics to other people, placing characteristics onto other people that
we desire, and that just clouds our judgment because a
lot of people are ruled by their emotions. When you
connect with somebody, you've been lonely for so long and
just now you feel that company, you feel that possible companionship,
(16:08):
you disregard everything else. You disregard everything else, and you
create a fantastical idea what that's want to be, what
your life is going to be, and you get stuck
in that fantasy bond.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
You know my experiences, and you can tell me how
you've experienced this. When the broke, the wounds, when the
toxicity in me connects with the toxicity in you. It
takes me about ninety days to see it, depending upon
how much time we spend together, it takes me about
(16:41):
ninety days. That first ninety days we's kissing, hugging, licking, sucking, picking, doing,
eating off each other's plate, your farts, don't think none
of that. And then ninety days later I'm like, remember
that song? How did you get here?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Yes, And then you start to see it and like
wait a minute, hold up, why what is this? And
the response is then to make it about the other person,
right right, That to me is when the learned behaviors
start emerging. How you deal with conflict, how you keep
(17:23):
yourself safe, how you've created boundaries?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Right?
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Do you find that in working with people that that happens?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Yes, we talk a lot about emotion and emotional processes,
but we don't talk a lot about euphoria and how
it affects people. The newness of a relationship presents a
lot of euphoria. You feel that you feel this idea
of love that's not real, and you feel the bliss
the quote unquote happiness because it's not always real. Sometimes
(17:54):
these are faciety that come up, and in that newness,
a lot of times this person presents something that you
either have never had before or something that you have desired. Yeah,
and in those moments, like you said in the first
ninety days, which a lot of people actually see it
before that they just purposely and intentionally overlook these things,
or they ignore it or pretend like these problems don't
(18:15):
exist because once again, it doesn't fit the idea that
they have of that person or the idea that they
have of their life. So in that newness, a lot
of times you don't see those bad behaviors from yourself
and you pretend like the other person doesn't necessarily have
these bad behaviors, or you tell yourself that if you
love them enough, if you're with them long enough, if
you get to know them, if you take care of
(18:37):
them enough, these things are just gonna fade out. They're
just gonna go away, and it doesn't happen like that now. However,
as you said, after the ninety days, which most people
see it before once again, but.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Call it, they call it something else.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Once they see these things start to show up, they
see the negative behaviors, and other people they see the
unhealthy behavior patterns, and other people they see it in themselves.
It doesn't fit the narrative. They just try to go on.
When you don't, once again, back to radical acceptance. When
you don't accept reality for what it is, you cause
your own pain and suffering. That's what you do when
(19:17):
you create fantastical ideas. You can't point the finger at
somebody else because you cause that suffering for yourself. In
moments where you knew you should have walked away, you
should have set a boundary, you should have stepped back,
you didn't. Speaking of boundaries, a lot of people struggle
with that in itself, because bounties are rooted in how
much you respect yourself. If you respect yourself enough the
(19:40):
moment that you saw that this person was not healthy
for you, you would have walked away. Yeah, you can't set
a boundary if you haven't done that.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
You know, here is my I guess you call it
a pet peeve. Or when I talk to people about boundaries, Yes,
but I find so many, so very often we're having
a relationship with the person that they are not having
with us. You're all Dayton doing the wild thing, you know.
(20:13):
And particularly for women, they find themselves pregnant or they
planned the wedding and then when they talk to the man,
he's like, you know, that's not what I wanted. And
I say, well, what were the agreements that you made?
Did you have the agreement that this was a monogamous
relationship that you all were planning a future together. What
(20:36):
was the agreement? And so many people make have relationships
with no boundaries and no agreements and no deal breakers.
What's a deal breaker? What in the blazing of Jesus?
But anyway, when you start seeing yourself, yeah, but a
lot of people don't even know it's their self. That's
(20:56):
the thing. We don't know that what a partner is
showing us or what the person because sometimes it's your mother,
it's your system. We don't know that that's either an
aspect of us or that the way they're behaving it's
calling for something in us that we need to grow
or heal. Right, so your sister never pays her money back?
(21:20):
What are you growing or healing? Or your mother is
very critical of you? What are you growing or healing?
How do you do that? What happens if you don't
know it's you? How do you develop the problem solving
skills or techniques in a relationship because you don't know
it's you that you're looking at.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
I don't believe you can if you're always pointing a
finger at somebody else and you're not taking accountability. Okay,
and you there's no way. If you feel as though
you are a perfect individual, then you're being unrealistic to
begin with.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
I think that.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
If people come into more situations with a curious mind, yeah,
and practicing more willingness, that means that you're willing to
accept things that are outside of you. A lot of
people you can't collaborate with them. A lot of people
don't know how to compromise. There are a lot of
people who, in regards to conflict, they're more competitive in
(22:17):
their style of conflict. So it's more about what fits them,
my way or the highway, what's their narrative. If you
can't see outside of yourself, everyone else is always going
to be the blame.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
They are, Okay, So let's let's go through some common
relationship dilemmasat cheating. What is it about me that is
attracting the serial Cheatah, I'm good to him. I do everything,
(22:51):
I cook, I watched the you know, I fol the socks,
I walk the dog. We have great conversations. And this
mother lover cheats and lies about it. What is it
in me that's attracting the cheat? Though?
Speaker 2 (23:06):
It sounds like you're a people pleaser and you're sacrificial
and thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Thank you for that assessment. Break that down because this
is huge.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
So I think that when people are over accommodating and
people are people pleasers, they sacrifice so much of themselves,
so they put themselves in the inferior position, and they
put other people in superior positions. And if a person
who is whose goal is to manipulate you, or a
person who has like any personality disorders where they don't
understand empathy it's just about themselves, they're going to exploit
(23:40):
that that's a weakness that they can utilize. You will
sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of me, and
that's things that are obvious.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
You can always tell who's a.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
People pleaser in the way that they speak, in the
way that they be, in the way that they react,
in a way that they behave you see it. People
always pay attention to nonverbal behaviors. If they're there's a
serial cheater who just wants to put somebody else in
his basket, you want somebody who can still cater to
him or her or whoever and do whatever it is
that they want to do. They're going to look for
(24:11):
the person who's going to always give in. It can
be general conversation. You can meet somebody at a bar
and you can say, you know, I want to buy this.
You know I'm gonna get you something to drink.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Oh, no, I have it. Don't worry about it.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
Or if you're with friends and they see that you're
covering everybody, Oh don't worry about it.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I got it.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
They see that you're overly accommodating, you're going to pick
up you're a people pleaser. It's ales and you'll be
the person that they target.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
The other thing that I find about cheating or I
don't even think of it as cheating, I think of
it as a lack of integrity, Yes, a lack of trust.
And if you don't believe you can have what you want,
you're going to attract somebody who's going to prove you
(24:56):
right exactly. You want to loving healthy monoga mis relationship,
but you really don't believe you can have it, if
you're gonna attract the person that's gonna show you you
can't have that, Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Yeah, the person that reinforces those beliefs.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Okay, mm hmm. Cheating is huge. Cheating is huge. Let's
talk about domestic violence.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Oh okay, what's.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Going on in me that I'm gonna attract somebody that's
gonna punch me in my face, push me, choke me whatever.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
I honestly think when it comes to domestic violence, I
think that victims of domestic violence cannot place too much
blame on themselves. The one thing we can acknowledge, however,
that if you are a person who is going through
domestic violence and you have had a history or pass
of abuse, some people just go back to what's familiar.
(25:57):
Some people have just pult of natures to where they
just constantly repeat their past. It's not always on purpose.
Some people do it because they're trying to rewrite past.
Sometimes it's not intentional, and sometimes people go back to
these situations to change the past, thinking that they can
fix this, you know, they can prove that, you know,
(26:19):
they didn't have to be hit on or anything like that.
I think that a lot of people get stuck in familiarity,
and I'm not saying that that's everybody, because some people
really do fall victim to relationships with the abusers and
they didn't realize it because a lot of people come
in with all of these great things in the beginning,
these great characteristics. A lot of people are performative in
the beginning. They come in, they shower you with gifts
(26:41):
and praise and compliments, and you don't see the bad
in them, And the moment that you do see the.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Bad, they already grabbed you.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
They already have you in this deep hold, and you're
so emotionally invested that it's hard for you to break.
And once again, people struggle is believing that they can
love characteristics out of someone. You can't love someone to change.
That is something that they have to do.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
You cannot love certain characteristics out of someone. You can't
love them enough to love them out of their toxicity. Wow,
that's a lot. I want you all to think about that.
We're gonna come back with mss Kitty and Moore right
after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Kitty
(27:34):
Rose and I are discussing some common relationship challenges. We've
already looked at healing, having a good relationship with yourself,
and if you don't, you're gonna attract somebody a who
doesn't have a good relationship with themselves and who is
gonna mirror back to you what you do, and if
(27:54):
you make it about them, the healing is out the window.
Now we're talking about things that are common in relationships
and how it is we attract them. We talked about cheating.
Let me go back to cheating for a minute, Miss Kitty.
I have a question. If a person cheats and you
find out they cheat once, is it a guarantee that
(28:17):
they'll do it again? No? Okay.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Now, simply because with couples I specialize in infidelity recovery,
I can tell you that some people will go back
to cheating if you did not get to what the
root of the problem was. Yeah, the root of the problem,
regardless of unmet needs or unmet expectations. The root of
the problem is the offender, the person who engaged in
(28:41):
the infidelity. Yeah, but there are a lot of people
who actually are integral and they do realize that they've
made a mistake and they fix it. There are some
people who really do understand the impact that they have
had on their partner and they change.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
And there are a lot of.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
People who actually do look at themselves and do realize
that I really do have a problem that I have
to address.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
So no, it's not guarantee that they'll cheat again.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Miskidning. Can I ask you a question, how how's that
a mistake?
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Well, let me be light on this, Okay, there are
certain if we look at the root of it.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Sometimes people are under the influence.
Speaker 3 (29:19):
Sometimes they get too drunk and they really do engage
in something they're not supposed to. A lot of times
they can't even recall. The ones who did not make
the mistake where it was a conscious decision. Are the
ones who are just simply looking for the thrill again
to see if they have it, trying to relive experiences
that they had before, or are taking out the challenge
their anger from their partner or the marriage or relationship
(29:41):
and putting it into a different situation. The selfish people,
those are the ones who didn't make a mistake. When
we be light on that term mistake, Oh god.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Okay, yeah, because I'm trying to figure out you know,
it's not like the beeeness of just walking down the
street fell in a hole. You know, you gotta set
that thing up. So I made a mistake. You know,
I'm looking at you out of one eye, and you know,
the serial cheater. And again I believe that you know,
(30:11):
whether it's same sex relationships, had little sexual relationships. If
you are the partner holding the belief this is too
good to be true, I can't have what I want
if you have a history a betrayal, abandonment. I think
that you're going to attract somebody that gives you the
(30:31):
opportunity to create a clear boundary and to say no.
In terms of domestic violence, I lived in it. So
when I married it, you know, it took me a
minute to get it. But when I got it, I
got it. You know, I lived in a household where
there was domestic violence. I also lived in a household
(30:53):
where punishment or discipline of me, my brother, my sister,
as children was viol So whenever the partner was disturbed
or upset or whatever, the violence that came was familiar
to me, and I think that's true for a lot
of people. Let's talk about walk away under what circumstances?
(31:19):
Is it like I'm out and I ain't coming back
ever on the fifth of never, and will I be
back here? Yeah, I'm out, I'm done. No. How do
you know that it's time to walk away?
Speaker 3 (31:37):
When there's a direct violation of your boundaries, When you
realize that there is a lack of compatibility with the
majority of the values that you have, if you know
your own values, When there is a deep form of
emotional abuse, meaning maybe a person is constantly talking to
(31:58):
you in a condescending manner, This is ongoing patronizing, calling
you names, things like that, threats, I think that's when
it's time for you to realize you have to walk away.
I'm not saying these are things that you can't work through.
I'm saying that it takes a lot of self abandonment
and a lot of sacrifice to stay in those situations.
(32:19):
When you realize that you have had to sacrifice your
own happiness to maintain any sense of harmony in that
relationship or marriage, and you realize that no matter what
you do, you cannot get it back. It's time for
you to walk away. I do believe that. As you
said before, serial cheating is a no no. Yeah, maybe
(32:41):
one time you can recover. Multiple times you need to
walk away. There's foundational problems that you have within your
relationship or your marriage, and those are typic things you
cannot resolve.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
And then the other thing.
Speaker 3 (32:56):
I feel like it's time to walk away when there
is when there's a lot of influence outside of your
relational or marital dynamic. I think that's when it's time
for you to walk away as well. When the influence
is taken over you all's decision making as a couple,
it's taking over the security, the stability, it's time for
you to walk away.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
What do you mean outside influence like the mother in law,
the best friend, those.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
Kinds like codependent friendships and codependent in laws. For sure,
those are the ones who typically impede and cause problems.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Okay, all right, I hope you all are getting us.
I got like sheets of paper here I'm writing down
you know, I want to talk about this one because
this one is I don't know if this is a
walk away, if this is a fix it? What is
this one? But you've been in a relationship for a
(33:51):
while and then you go to bed Sunday night and
you wake up Monday, and there's like this disconnect when
you all are just together doing what you do, but
there's no intimacy, there's no communication, there's no I don't know.
It's like I call it the emotional disconnect. I think
if a couple is fighting, if they you know, have
(34:13):
those points of rub and they can fight and fight fairly,
if they still have you know, just passionate, wild connection
to one another even if they're fighting, I think that's okay.
It's when that indifference settles in, when you just become
indifferent and you're just existing, Well, how do you deal
(34:35):
with that? What happens is it usually happens, you know, ten, fifteen,
twenty years, and people are reluctant to disrupt their life.
So how do you manage an emotional disconnect?
Speaker 3 (34:50):
I think the dynamic that you're speaking of is the
withdrawal withdrawal dynamic, with both partners being withdrawn. When both
partners are withdrawn, that's the dynamic that's really hard to
come back from. Yeah, there is so much emotional space
that it's and it doesn't have to be emotional tension.
Like some people have accepted the fact that we're just
(35:10):
here for either the children because we live together. We're
trying to get through the lease. We've been together for
so long, we just don't want to start over. But
then there's going to be that, like you said, that
lack of emotional intimacy, conversations are going to be different.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
The friendship, it's probably going to be gone as well.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Desire, things like that, appreciation, all of those are gone
at that point when you are that far withdrawn, because
somebody has to become the pursuing again. But you don't
want it to feel one sided, and a lot of
people won't give up that to start over. I think
that once both partners are withdrawn, I think it's really
time for you all to decide what's going to be
(35:49):
best for your relationship and meaning. I think it's time
if you are to just walk away now. If there
is a pursue withdrawn dynamic where one person is still fighting,
maybe so, but then we have to figure out why
that other partner is so withdrawn.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
What happened.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Is this a personal issue?
Speaker 3 (36:08):
Is it something that happened within your relationship for your marriage,
and is it something that you feel you can put
in the efforts and do the work to actually bring
back because it still takes intentionality, and usually when both
people are withdrawing, they're not trying to be intentional to
fixing the problems because it's probably problems that have just
been swept under the rug for a long time that
haven't been addressed.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yeah, I let's talk for a moment about emotional intimacy,
because I think people can have emotional intimacy when they
don't have physical intimacy.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Yes, is that po?
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Okay, let's talk about what is emotional intimacy, because the
other flip side of that is you can have the
physical intimacy without the emotional intimacy. That's still that's that's bad.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
It is it is so emotionalcy is like that.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
Out of all forms of intimacy physical, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, financial,
social intimacy, emotional intimacy is the core of that. So
your ability to be able to connect with a person
outside of you on an emotional level, that means us
being able to have safe conversations, being able to have
(37:22):
vulnerable moments, having conversations about how we feel, working through
conflict while honoring our emotions, having empathy, being understanding, validating
one another, given reassurance. All of that is important. How
we regulating each other when we go through problems, how
we being coregulators. Those foundational things are important. If you
(37:42):
do not have emotional intimacy, it's going to threaten that
physical intimacy as well, because if I cannot connect with
you on a human level going through these emotional processes,
then everything's going to feel like an obligation.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
At that point.
Speaker 3 (37:57):
It's going to feel like I'm obligated to do so
so right now.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 3 (38:01):
Physical intimacy, as far as like being able to cuddle
in things like that, you can do that, but someone's
going to bear some type of resentment of not being
able to deepening that connection or that relationship. And I
think that as far as like outside of physical sexual intimacy,
I think that's usually is going to be one sided
if there's a lack of emotional intimacy, because somebody's going
(38:22):
to feel like it's just a chore the other person
enjoys it.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Right, mss Kendy. I have an interesting exercise. Let's build
a relationship. Let's you and I build a relationship on paper. Okay,
oh okay? What what would we need in this relationship?
Let's let's what would what would be the first ingredient
in us building a healthy relationship? What would that be?
Speaker 2 (38:50):
That's incompatibility? Comp values?
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Okay, compatibly wit a minute, I'm writing it down because
I might need this list one day. Compatibility What does
that mean? I like you? You like me? What? What does
that mean? Oh?
Speaker 3 (39:04):
It's so much zeper than that. Let's connect on our values.
We need to know what we value. You know, do
you value stability, security, financial stability, provision, family, spirituality, religion.
Let's talk deep and let's understand the root of our values.
So that means we need to understand family dynamics as well.
(39:24):
What type of family did you come from? Did you
come from a family where everyone was considered was Did
you have an authoritative family or an authoritarian who was
more about punishment rather than discipline. Let's talk those things
before we actually create this relationship first, and then let's
talk standards expectations as well. We can't come in with
(39:48):
this full list of standards. We need to break it
all the way down. What are my non negotiables. We're
not talking about how you what you wear and how
you dress and stuff, but let look at the very
things that are going to threaten my own personal stability
in my own life. Let's talk those things first. That's
the first key. Compatibility, Because a lot of people see
(40:13):
chemistry and forget compatibility.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
Sexual chemistry means nothing.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Okay, Okay, so we got compatible. We're building a relationship, y'all,
get your pencils. We're building a relationship. So compatibility that
means our values compatible. Do we have a family history
that creates certain propensities or how do we value family?
(40:37):
What are our standards? You mean personal standards, individual life standards?
Speaker 3 (40:42):
What kind of standards we're gonna say, personal and romantic standards? Okay, Oh,
because we have to honor ourselves too, So we have
to make sure that whatever it is that we're asking
for is honoring what it is that we truly need
in our life, not just our desires. It's measuring out
desires and needs. So sometimes people come through with this
(41:04):
laundry list of standards, right, and it's because they're coming
from a desperate place. So if you ever think about it,
if you go into a grocery store and you're starving,
you're going to select based off of the starvation that
you have, So you're gonna pick for everything.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
You're writing down everything I want this.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
Five hundred things, versus if you go and you are
truly fulfilled with yourself, which is what a lot of
people don't do, and that's why they have these long
lists of standards that people can't meet. If you are
a person who is not coming from a desperate place,
you have done so many great things for yourself, you're fulfilled.
You just really need romantic attributes and things like that. Now,
(41:41):
then you're not. If you think about a person who
is fully fed, they going to store, They're going to
go in for what they need, not just the things
that they want, what they need, their list is shorter.
It's the same way in romantic relationships. Fulfill yourself first,
so the things that you are asking of somebody are
literally just a compliment. Sometimes people create standards to try
(42:01):
to change people. If you're asking for someone who's well traveled,
what if this person doesn't value adventure like you do,
then what right and then what so you throw them
off that If that's just something that you absolutely cannot
compromise with, that's understanding. But some people's standards are not realistic.
They're asking for people to change, and that's why they
can't stick whenever they connect with somebody. The list doesn't
(42:25):
have to be long. Create the things that you truly need. First,
go through and see if you have any repetitives. Only
the things that you know are going to compliment you first,
and then add on those things that you would just
won't if it's not coming from a desperate place. When
we get desperate for love and companionship and things like that,
(42:45):
sometimes we get unrealistic with ourselves. And I think that's
what a lot of people struggle with.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
You know, at my age, my list is short, alive
with your own teeth, and you know, I think people
can want what they want and need what they need, but.
Speaker 3 (43:12):
It's okay to desire it. Not being realistic with yourself
is a problem.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
But there's so many women who don't think that that
is unrealistic.
Speaker 3 (43:22):
And that's unfortunate. Once again, radical acceptance. They don't accept
reality for what it is. This is a reality, this
is your life.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
Now on the flip side, our brother, easy money, he says.
If I'm paying the bills and paying the rent and
taking care of you and you don't have to work,
just shut up and spread your legs. That's all I
need you to do. Don't ask me nothing.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Well, yeah, don that sounds so dehumanizing.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Oh but do you know how many women will do
that to get the rent paid and have fancy shoes?
Do you know how?
Speaker 3 (43:59):
May I know how many are willing to make that sacrifice?
You know what, if it floats your boat, then go
for it.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
I guess.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
But what's the standard in that?
Speaker 2 (44:10):
I think those are.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
I think those are immature and unrealistic standards, to be honest,
because that's exactly those standards right there that create perpetual
problems with couples. Those are the problems that are simply
based in value and differences of personality and things like that.
If we come in and we're asking for I hate
to say it, we're asking for things that are not
(44:34):
going to hold any weight in a relationship. Eventually, it's
going to create problems and somebody's going to start resenting somebody. Okay, No,
I think that when we whenever we talk about standards.
It needs to be prioritized. What are the things that
are going to create longevity and peace and a healthy relationship.
(44:55):
Simply shutting up and spread of your legs is objectifying
and dehumanizing. No, someone's going to be upset. Tell somebody
that they have to be well traveled. That's okay if
you desire that, But you also can do those things
with the person.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Okay, let's continue building our relationship compatibility of value, standards, expectations,
What are your non negotiables, what are your personal and
romantic standards? What's your family history? How does family measure
into this? What else do we need to build our relationship?
Speaker 3 (45:29):
Boundaries? And also what's your relationship with yourself?
Speaker 1 (45:33):
Okay, yourself? Well the odd to people that are building
this relationship, they pretty good with they.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
Sell they're pretty okay.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
Okay, bound boundaries what about well, you know, boundaries, I
say agreements. Do we agree to be monogamous? Do we
agree not to withhold secrets? Do we agree? You know?
And that could be a boundary.
Speaker 3 (45:56):
So then that takes us back to our values and
our moral compass. Definitely that because you need to make
sure that neither one of you all has a faulty
moral compass. So let's talk about the importance of these things.
If do you believe that cheating is wrong. If a
person says, well, if you're a person who believes that
cheating is immral, and that other person's like, well, it
(46:17):
all depends. Okay, there's going to be some conflicts and
morals right there. So I think those things need to
be talked about as well. The importance of things lying, honesty,
fidelity versus infidelity.
Speaker 1 (46:29):
Absolutely, I call those deal breakers.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
I say you go in with your three deal breakers.
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. Calling me out
my name is a deal breaker lutely and messing with
my money. Don't put your hands in my person or
your signature on my check or yeah you know, and
I'm giving, We can share, we can support. I just
(46:55):
don't do that, okay, miss Kitty. Well, we got our
things here with We built our relationship on compatibility, values,
family history, standards, expectations. You know, I want to talk
about communication, but we'd be here for another two hours.
That means I'm just gonna have to have you come back.
(47:16):
Effective communication in a relationship, Oh my god. But I
want to do some rapid fire questions with you. Yeah,
all right? Why would a woman settle for being the
other woman?
Speaker 2 (47:30):
Love? Self? Work?
Speaker 1 (47:33):
What do you look for to determine whether your partner
has withdrawn or not withdrawn, you know, when they're not
present in the relationship. What do you look for?
Speaker 3 (47:43):
Lack of conversation, lack of emotional presence, negative talk towards
each other, negative conversations, constant criticisms, constant complaints of not
receiving enough valadays, enough reassurance yep, and them starting to
(48:05):
engage in hobbies and more interests outside of you that
don't include you.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
How do you know that your partner is controlling?
Speaker 3 (48:14):
They try to change you, They try to change you
to conform to what they desire of you. They try
to they over they end up, you know, constantly monitoring,
like your engagements with your friends, with your family, what
you wear, you know, education, academics, things like that. Those
show signs of controlling behaviors.
Speaker 1 (48:34):
Okay, how do you handle if your partner wants you
to do some freaky dicky stuff in the bedroom and
you don't want to do it? What do you do?
Speaker 2 (48:42):
You can be passive, You just have to be assertive.
Speaker 3 (48:45):
And just tell them what it is that you don't
like and what it is that you don't desire. Not
saying that you can't compromise, but if it's something that
you're absolutely uncomfortable with and you know that you're not
willing to compromise on that or whatever the internal conflict is,
you just have to speak on it and be well,
just be be prepared for the objection because you're going
to receive it.
Speaker 1 (49:04):
Whose responsibility is it to check the X? If the
AX is showing up in a crazy way? Who's responsibility
is it to check the X? Is it the ex partner?
Or is it the partners you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (49:18):
The person who had the relationship with them. It's their responsibility.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Okay, a meddling mother in law, how do you manage that?
Speaker 3 (49:29):
You talk to the child, that mother's child, You speak
to whoever your partner is, and you tell them exactly
what problems you're having, and you both need to sit
down and talk about boundaries that you need to create
with that mother in law. If it doesn't, if that
person feels uncomfortable, you're going to have to be the
person to have a conversation. And if for any reason,
(49:49):
she still doesn't respect it, because a lot of codependent
mother in laws will not respect the boundaries that you
create because it doesn't it doesn't benefit them. Then in
that moment, you have to go ahead and be firm
on consequences and if you both are not in agreeance,
then you have to start reassessing that relationships.
Speaker 1 (50:07):
That is a good one. I think that's wonderful. You
have given me some good stuff to work on, mis Kenny.
Where can people find you? Where can they hear from you?
If you're on tour with Where do they go to
find out about what you're doing?
Speaker 3 (50:21):
If they want to see me on tour either, I
have a moment to excel tour that is for all
women and we're working on self esteem, self security and
things like that. You can go to my website www.
Dot kittiose dot com slash tour. If you want to
see me on Tonight's conversation, of course, you can go
to as metaphor dot shop, and then you can always
find me on social media at Kitty j Rows on
(50:41):
all of my social media platforms.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
It has been a joy. I thank you so much.
I got my list right here. I'm gonna put it
up on all and when people call me, I'm gonna say,
did you do this? Did you do that?
Speaker 2 (50:54):
Well? Thank you so much for having me today.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Thank you for the work you're doing in the world,
because the more work you do, less work I have
to do. And I appreciate that. Thank you, Miss Kinny,
Thank you so much. I hope that you heard something
here today that will help you and your relationships. Go
back and listen to this again. I have four sheets
(51:16):
of paper, so I'm sure you should at least come
up with two here on the R Spot because we
want to support you and making your relationships healthier, joyful, peaceful,
and self supportive. That's it for me today. I will
see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace
and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a
(51:43):
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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