June 7, 2023 • 35 mins
Two callers join Iyanla this week to recount their stories about how poor communication with their boyfriends has caused the downfall of their relationships. However, when Iyanla hears what’s really going on… She’s not so sure it’s a communication issue.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
fact that I was not always good at making my
relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
the same person. In other words, I have seen a
lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
(00:23):
the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. I want to speak today as an advocate
(00:48):
for communication because I think communication takes a bad rap
in relationships. Everybody blames everything on communication. Oh, we have
bad commun munication, we have poor communication. We can't communicate.
He don't communicate. I don't communicate. It's not communication, it's
(01:08):
your mind. When you don't have clarity in your mind
about who you are, about what you want, about what
it is that you're doing, and what it is you desire.
When you're not clear about what's working what's not working,
of course you can't communicate. You can't communicate with yourself.
(01:29):
How you going to communicate with somebody else. Communication is
a two way operation. It's offering something, it's hearing something,
and in there you have speaking, you have listening, you
have hearing, you have sharing, and people don't make those distinctions.
What's the distinction between hearing and listening. There's two different things,
(01:50):
and when you don't know that and you try to articulate,
it'll break down and then you blame communication. Communication has
to be clear, but the clarity has to first come
from within you. Communication has to be clean, meaning you
cannot have a hidden agenda. You can have unspoken truths,
(02:13):
you can have speculations and judgments, clear clean, and then
it has to be complete, complete. You have to say
what you mean, mean what you say, and walk away
with every question you had answered. But since most of
us go into communications without a clear intention, without a
(02:34):
clear direction, it breaks down and then we blame it
on communication. Stop blaming communication and blame your crooked mind communication.
My next guest thinks she has a communication problem. I
don't think it's communication. I think it's a lack of clarity.
Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
(03:01):
And what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma that we
can investigate today?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Okay, so I have been in an almost nine year
relationship now and five years into the relationship, we decided
to move in with each other. Then we end up
having a baby. Two years after the baby, well, during
my pregnancy we had kind of like a little downfall.
(03:27):
We you know, fell off a little bit. So we're
trying to get that together. The baby came, we were
able to help hold it together for the baby. Two
years later, we decided, we mutually agreed that it was
best for us to separate. I moved out and also
off have two kids prior to him. We decided to separate.
(03:48):
I moved out. So now it's been two years that
we've been separating. So within these last two years, it's
just been it's just been a real emotional rollercoaster, you know,
trying to decide if we still want to be together
or if we don't want to be together. But at
the same time, we are still seeing each other. We're
still kind of like dating, you know. Still nothing really changed.
(04:11):
Let's say that nothing really changed in our pattern except
for we move we separated. So I'm just trying to
figure out how do I navigate.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
That navigate what let do you navigate one?
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I guess, I guess navigate on us trying to get
back together into one household and just being just being
able to be competible and have a better communication and
better relationship to get back on track, for us to
move back into with each other and move forward in
our lives.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Can I ask a question, why did you break up
in the first place?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Well, I don't. I don't. I don't necessarily think we
never broke up. I think that's where the I don't know.
I don't want to say that's a problem, but we
never really broke up.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Well, what does that mean? How are you defining separation
when you left? What was the agreement? What was the understanding?
Speaker 2 (05:01):
I don't know. I guess we were I guess when
we moved out, when we separated, we just said that
we were just going to I don't know really, to
be honest, I guess we were trying to figure it
out as long as we go.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Okay, wait a minute, hold on, because now I'm confused.
I moved out because I moved out because.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I moved out because we ultimately couldn't get along or
a communication fell apart. We were on the same level.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
What does that mean? What does that mean? Communication? What
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
I guess we like maybe it was like it because
I I cannot I'm able to articulate how I felt.
So at that time, he was in school when we
were living together, he was in schools and he was
going home from school and working from home, so he
spent a lot of time upstairs on a computer. I
was downstairs, you know, I was pregnant at the time,
taking care kids, and then I had the baby, taking
(06:02):
care of the baby, and then I just felt like,
you know, he never really contributed to the household where
when we moved in, our agreement was for me to
take care of the household age because he paid all
the bills. I didn't pay any bills. And I think
that's just the communication just fell apart, and I think
I got overwhelmed in the situation and I could not
(06:24):
express that to him, and then we just kind of
fell off.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
So I moved out because we couldn't communicate. I couldn't
express my needs and wants. I was overwhelmed and couldn't
express that, and he didn't contribute to the household. Is
that but he paid all the bills, but he didn't
contribute to the household. Break that down for me, what
(06:50):
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Well, maybe towards just taking care of the kids or
the cooking, the cleaning. He didn't contribute any of that.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
You mean, the man who was in school and working
and paying all the bills didn't help you with the
kids and the cooking and the cleaning.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Right, And I didn't see that then.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Okay, so you moved out. Are there any other reasons
you moved out? No?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
And well I couldn't know. It was mutual. We agreed
that it would be best for us to separate before
I guess.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Before mutual for us to separate. And did you define
what that separation would look like?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
No, we didn't.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
So now two years later, you all are still You've
got this entanglement going on, lack of clarity about what
it is correct, lack of clarity about what you're doing,
lack of clarity about where you're going, lack of clarity.
So nothing has changed, but you want to get back
(08:00):
in it under the same roof. Is that what I'm
hearing you say? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
And I think a lot of it, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Yes, Okay, do you see how that could be a problem. Yes,
Let me ask you a question that's going to seem
totally random. Okay, And I don't care what your answer is.
I just want to explore this a little bit. Is
it that you didn't grow up with a father, or
(08:32):
is it that your father was very dominating.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
I didn't grow up with my father.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
You don't know as a woman how to be in
relationship with a man upon whom you are dependent, because
if he paid all of the bills, you were dependent
upon him, yes, which immediately drops him into the daddy role.
But if you didn't grow up with a daddy, you
(08:58):
don't know how to be present in authority or in
the presence of authority. So you just become a little girl.
And little girls usually don't complain to their daddy. Little
girls sometimes don't know how to ask daddy what they want.
For what they want, they'll whine and they'll complain to
(09:18):
themselves and whatever whatever. So, but if you weren't in
relationship with a man in a authority role in your life,
you never developed that voice and that place to know
how to be in relationship with a man that you
consider to be an authority. Right, hmm. Interesting, we'll talk
(09:43):
more about it when we come back. Welcome back to
the r spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So
the first thing I want you to know is he's
not your daddy. That's number one, right, And if you've
giving up the cookies to him, you have a right
to ask what you want for what you want. Yeah,
(10:06):
so what do you want?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
What I want is for us to be able to
communicate better, to move forward with our.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Relationship, communicate better. Well, first of all, we might want
to explore a little bit. What is the relationship is
that your man? Are you his woman? Are you just
the mother of his children? Are you his girlfriend? Are
you what is the relationship between the two of you?
Are you a co parenting? Are you good friends? Friends
(10:38):
with benefits? You got to get clear about that. What
is the relationship?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah, cause I feel like we're all of the above.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Actually, well what does he feel?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
I don't know, And I think that's what I want
to say. That's what I've been trying to figure out.
But then when I asked him, is yeah, we work together,
but then it's always but I feel like there's like
an apprehensive there, like a hesitation.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Rather okay, and have you asked him about that? What
is your hesitation?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I haven't because little girls don't challenge their daddy. So
the first thing that you have to find out to him,
what is our relationship? How do you see our relationship?
What are we doing here? You have to ask that question, yes,
because you don't know if he got a girlfriend on
(11:36):
the side, you don't know what he's doing. Does he
have a key to your house? Do you have a
key to his house? When do y'all get together? How
do you get together? What is going on? You're like
a carrot on a stick.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I guess that's where it falls in where we have
trouble with spending time with each other because I guess
because it's like I want to We try to spend
time with each other, but then it's like, you know,
some days I feel like I'd rather just be home
alone that or I've had this face alone to myself.
A lot of times I feel like I'd rather be alone,
(12:08):
home alone rather well, is.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
It possible that you all can be in a relationship
and have separate households? Is that what you want or
is that what he wants? Or is that workable for you?
But it still means that you have to clarify what
the relationship is again. Are you all just co parenting?
Are you partners? Are you friends? With benefits. What are
(12:33):
you got to get that stuff clear? And it can't
just be you. You have to understand what it is
that he wants, and you have to share with him
what he wants. And then if both of you want
the same things but there are obstacles between you, then
you can also you can always get some support or
some help to deal with the obstacles. And then what
about the children? You got children bouncing around in here.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
But I feel like that's also a big factor too.
I have two teenage boys, the second teenage boys in him.
They kind of bump hands a little.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Well, I guess so, because if you don't know who
this man is in your life, how is your son
supposed to know who this man is in his life?
Is this an elder man in my life? My stepfather,
my mother's friend who guides me, supports me. I mean,
if you don't know who he is, how's your son
supposed to know who he is?
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Well, we've had that conversation multiple times, but I feel
like we never get anywhere. And then we agree to,
you know, let's spend time together, and then we'll spend
a time together, and then life goes on, and then
we fall back into what we were doing prior to that.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
You might need some outside support because clearly there are
things that are unspoken. Clearly there are things that are unsad.
You can't even tell me why you separated other than
he wasn't contruyet into the household besides paying all the bills.
You know how many women would stay with a man
who pays all the bills. A woman who's a stay
(14:08):
at home mom, she'd be happy to cook and clean.
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I want to encourage you to get clear about what
you want and if you can have it with him,
and he's not your father, you don't have to be
afraid to let him go, nor do you have to
hang on. If this is the man in your life,
then you need to get clear about what it is
that you want from the man in your life and
(14:37):
see by asking if he's willing to provide those things
and what does he want from the woman in his life,
and if he can articulate that to you, if he
can share that with you, then maybe you need to
consider am I willing to be that for him? And
(14:58):
you may not be able to do that by yourself.
You may have to get some outside support you know,
a counselor coach, therapist, whatever. Are you ready to have
the conversation. Are you clear about what you want, because
if not, I'm going to tell you don't have it
(15:19):
until you are clear. You are clear. I want to
be with him, but I want us to be in
separate household. I want us to have more time together.
I want us to continue. Be clear, because again, you're
growing yourself up, so you don't know who you are becoming.
You can only be who you are right now. So
(15:40):
get clear about what it is that you want.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Okay, yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Let me know how you make out. Thank you, okay,
my love, take care, bye bye. Why One of the
reasons that we have challenges when it comes to communication, hearing, listening, speaking,
(16:08):
is because we forget that there's an organic process going
on in our relationships. Things are growing, things are falling off,
things are coming into being, and we won't let things
happen organically, and we try to communicate from what we
think might happen or the fear of what won't happen.
(16:29):
Let it happen organically and respond to the moment. Be
aware of what you're listening to within yourself in the moment.
Be aware of what you're hearing from the other person
in the moment, not about what couldn't happen, what might happen,
what didn't happen, what should happen the organic process. Communicate
(16:51):
about that and not about the fears or the desperation
or the past or the future. Organically, Let it happen organically.
That's what my next caller is dealing with, fear or
hesitation or resistance or judgment of the organic process. Greetings,
(17:12):
be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. How can
I support you today in moving through your relationship issue
challenged dilemma?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
Hi, thank you so much for taking my call. The
question that I have so just a little bit briefly
about me is I have been single for almost six
years because I really wanted to spend some time working
on myself and figuring out who I wanted and what
I needed in a partnership. So I met someone about
two years ago. We started great dating. Everything was great,
(17:43):
and I'm trying my heartest like not to give up
on somebody because I feel like in the past I
just fil the talent too easy. But the situation I'm
in now with this person we're coming up on two
years and about six or so months ago they left
their full time corporate job to pursue entrepreneurship. Unfortunately, it
hasn't been working out in the way that they thought
that it would, and so they're struggling a little bit
(18:05):
financially now. And in that time, they've been pretty distant
with me, and he said that he just really isn't
feeling like much of a man right now because of
him not being able to earn money in the same
way and him feeling like a failure, and so he
just doesn't have a capacity to show up for me.
So my question is, do I stick around. Do I
(18:25):
be a cheerleader and just kind of work with him
as he gets over this hurdle, or do I just
like really listen when he tells me I don't want
to be in a relationship right now, or I don't
have time for the relationship right now because of my finances.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
So let me ask you a question. Okay, if a
man says to you, I don't want to be in
a relationship right now because I'm working on myself, I'm
pursuing something. It's not looking the way I wanted to look,
and I'm not feeling really good about myself right now.
The man says that to you, do you listen to
what he's saying or do you stick around and be
(19:01):
his cheerleader.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
I think I'll listen to what he's saying. I think
for me in my house, I think in my mind,
I guess like because we had a year and a
half of like greatness and it was just kind of like,
if to me, if we need to slow down on
like going out or sending money or things like that,
that's fine. But I don't know. I think that I
(19:23):
don't know if I'm setting myself up for selure of
having hope that when he does get it together that
it will still be me that he wonts or if
it's really he just decided I'm not the person and
this is the excuse he's using.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
What difference does it make a man has said to you,
I don't want to be in relationship with you if
it's because he found too gray hair under his chin,
what difference does it make?
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
And how old are you?
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Thirty four?
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Thirty four? How long have you been thirty four?
Speaker 3 (19:55):
In October?
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Okay, since October you've been thirty four? But you've been
in your life all your life? Right?
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Did you waste any time in your life to get
to thirty four?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
I want to call it a waste, but I definitely
made sure. I think I've made decisions that I wish
I had done things differently, but I don't want to
call anything like a waste of time.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Right. So, you've been with you thirty four years. You've
made some mistakes that you could have done differently, but
you think that thirty four years you've been with you
is pretty good, right?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Okay, So why you convention over a year and a
half you've been with somebody else. If you could put
up with you for thirty four years, why can't you
put up with somebody else and let it go for
a year and a half?
Speaker 2 (20:43):
That's true?
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Is it? Is it true?
Speaker 3 (20:49):
I think the reason for me is that I know
what I have dated people in the past. I have
very easily been like Nope, done with this person, done
with this person, and didn't really fight or give it
a try or work doing tough things. And I was
just trying to not be that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
But what does the past have to do with the
present moment? And a man who is saying I don't
want to be in relationship right now for whatever reason.
I found two gray hen or air on my chin.
I'm trying to grow my penis another inch. I saw
the moon and it filled me up with melancholy. What
(21:27):
the difference does it make he don't want to be
in relationship? Okay, and you stick around thinking that he
can change his mind or it's going to be different,
or he's not telling whatever. What part of you as
a woman can't hear he doesn't want to be in
relationship for whatever reason. We'll talk about that right after
(21:52):
this break. Come back to the R spot. Let's pick
up where we left off. I can't get past he
don't want to be in relationship. I can't get past that.
That would do it for me. I hear you love
you mean it. You don't have to stop loving him,
(22:12):
caring about him. But it's a year and a half.
I've been with me for thirty four years, So if
somebody is rejecting me, I'm gonna believe him.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yeah, okay, Well that was easy.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
And what do you want to investigate is why in
the why can't you hear that?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
I think that it's been hard to hear it, because
we still communicate every day and we still talk and
we still say I love you and everything, And so
that's why I think it's been a little bit challenging.
Like he even like since saying that he has even
taken me to meet his parents. So I don't know,
(22:52):
Like I think that the things that he says is saying.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Is nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
I love you, You're amazing. I'm not in a good place
that I need to be in a better place. But
I think that it hasn't been complete ignoring that's been happening,
or complete like shutting off of communication. It's been like, oh,
we're selling each other's lives, but I'm still talking to
you about all these things and we're still doing everything else.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Well, maybe you only need to take a break. Maybe
what you can say is I hear you saying you
want to be in a better place, and I want
that for you. But because of how I feel about you,
I don't know how to navigate this. So let's take
a ninety day break. And what that break looks like
is we're not going to be talking to each other
each day, We're not going to be going out, we're
(23:38):
not going to be doing those things for at least
ninety days, and then at the end of the ninety
days we can reevaluate. Because I can't navigate this, tell
them the truth. Okay, I don't know how to navigate this.
So I'm hoping against hope that you'll get it together.
But you have to know it doesn't do my woman.
(23:59):
That's really good to hear. To be with a man
who says he doesn't want to be in relationship. See
what happens. Okay, what does that mean? Okay, I said.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Now I wrote it down.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
It sounds like we just need to have a talk
and a clear I'm not like a I mean, maybe
a break will work. I've never been that type that
comes back to something just because of like my own
healing process.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
I just like to really move forward.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
So I don't know about the coming back in ninety days,
but maybe that is something that I need to try
that I've never tried before. But the problem is too
I don't want to spend ninety days hopeful either, because
I know.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
You don't go on with your life.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
Yeah, it's not that easy.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Go on with your life. Yeah, find something new to
do in that ninety days. Take a knitting, Go get
a fish, you got a dog, get on.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
No, I do have a lot of things I could
do to take of my time. I'm a PhD student,
so lots going on by I understand what you mean.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
But here is the thing. You have to let go
in the ninety days, not hang on in the ninety days.
You have to let go.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
You have tips for letting go.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Make the choice. Hear what he's saying, and maybe in
the ninety days you won't come back to an intimate,
loving relationship. Maybe you'll be friends, maybe you'll be I
don't know, distant cousins. But it's not clear. It's not
clean right now. Yeah, it's not clear or clean because
what he's speaking and what he's doing or two different things,
(25:40):
which sends you into a tail spin. Let go, thanks,
And even if every day you have to get up
and say, I don't know what his name is, boo boo,
I'm letting you go today. I wish you nothing but
the best. I'm letting you go in my mind, I'm
letting you go in my heart. When he calls, you
(26:01):
look at the phone and you say, boo boo, I'm
letting you go. I'm letting you go in your mind,
my mind, I'm letting you go in my heart, I'm
not taking your call.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Do you well?
Speaker 3 (26:12):
A different question, how do you know, like even taking
this person out of the picture, just like for my
own knowledge and advice, how do you know when you're
dating someone, what is something that is a barrier to
work through versus this is not the one to be
fighting for.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
I never advise fighting for anybody. Okay, I allow things
to happen organically. But what's keeping you in the relationship
or what's keeping you hanging on is fear. Fear that
you're doing the wrong thing, Fear that he's right one,
Fear he's not the right one. Fear that you'll hang
around and he won't show up or he won't work through.
It's fear. So that's not love anyway. See, if he
(26:53):
made the decision to quit his job to become an entrepreneur,
what was that discussion and what was the expert there?
Speaker 2 (27:02):
No, I think it was for him.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
It was because he's Nigerian and so he felt like
he was living out his parents' dream. And so he
turned forty and on historieth birthday was just kind of like,
I need to start living my life for myself because
I've been doing it for everybody else, and so I
think that's going to start with pursuing a career that
I want to do now what my parents want me
to do.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
That was a great, great self honoring, self loving choice,
It really was.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
And the fact that he didn't think about the consequences,
or he wasn't prepared, or he didn't look at all
the contingencies. It's just a mistake and he'll have to
figure that out, and you can stick around with him
while he figures it out or not. Yeah, But if
he's saying to you, I don't want to be in
a relationship right now, then I'm why did you go
(27:51):
meet his parents? And why are you still talking to
him every day? What is that? Are you a glutton
for punishment? How about this is not what I want?
How about it's just that simple. Yeah, I don't want
to be in a relationship with a man where I
don't know if I'm coming or going, or if he's
coming or going, or if we're coming or going. I
don't want that. So I love you, but I've got
(28:13):
to let go. Okay, gotta let go? And what's the
butt it makes sense.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
But no, I actually I don't have a butt. I'm
just like listening. I think I'm just hearing probably what
I already knew in my head.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Uh yeah, yeah, See, there's a distinction between hearing and listening.
Your listening is what goes on internally inside of you.
Your hearing is the sound that comes to you or
the words that are delivered to you through another mechanism,
(28:53):
in this way, through his voice. So you're listening is
I don't want to do what I'm doing I did before.
I want to be different and I want to give
this a chance. So when you hear what he says,
it bumps up against your listening and you start, well,
am I doing what I did before? Am I being different?
Or am I doing the same thing? But then you're
(29:13):
not hearing what he is saying. Does that make sense
to you?
Speaker 3 (29:18):
It does? And I think that one thing that I
left out too is when we had the conversation about
that not being a relationship, the way in which he
talked about it was I can't afford to take you
out right now. I can't afford for us to move
in and we provide right now. I can't afford for
these things, and so I think my head was like, well,
(29:41):
I'm making money right now and I can't. I mean,
I'm not paying for nothing for him, But it was
almost like, oh, you're You're making it seem like the
financial piece is like I understand that finances are going
to eb and flow throughout the longevity of any relationships,
and so to me, even though I heard him saying
like I don't want this relationship, the reason was because
(30:03):
I can't provide X, Y and Z with you because
of my finances. And I think I have been trying
throughout this time and why I still met his mom,
still talk to him. I have been trying to show
him like, oh, like, you don't need to have this
much money in order for us to have a meaningful relationship.
But I don't think he sees it as that because
of how much of a provider type of person that
(30:23):
he is. But I do think that that is why
I have been holding on of Like I heard the
not wanting to be in a relationship reason differently in
my head than maybe how.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
He meant it.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
But you're not hearing that you are involved with a
man who measures his value in worth by what he
does and what he can provide. You're not hearing that,
and it doesn't matter what you think. That's what matters
to him. So whether you'll stay together or don't stay together,
(30:56):
you need to hear what he's saying, because should he
get fired or become incapacitated, you got to understand that
that's a blow to how he sees himself as a man.
Doesn't matter what you think. Hear what he's saying. Trying
to convince him that what he thinks and feels about
(31:17):
himself doesn't matter to you. That's not going to work
out either. He's giving you some really valuable information.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Here that doesn't change what his values are and what matter.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
Said, but you're not hearing it. And sometimes that's what
we do, and that's what throws communication off and then
we blame communication. No, he's being very clear, I value
myself as a man by what I do, what I have,
and what I can give. That's how he values himself.
(31:49):
Otherwise the conversation would have been I really want to
go out and work on this entrepreneurial thing and see
if I can make it work, and I really want
to know if you'll hang in here with me. That's
another possibility. It's going to look different. We're not gonna
be able to go out like we used to, and
I don't feel good about you as the woman paying
(32:10):
for stuff, so we'll have to stay home. We won't
be able to do those things. As long as this
isn't working for me, that's another possibility. But he had
that conversation, right, So he's giving you some valuable information
about who he is, about his character, about his sense
(32:32):
of self value, self worth, whether he got it from
his parents or not. Some of it is cultural, yeah,
but it's still information. Do you want to be with
a man who values himself and measures his worth based
on what he has and what he does? Is that
who you want to be with?
Speaker 3 (32:51):
I don't know. I guess I never really thought it.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:55):
I hadn't thought about it in that way, But I'm
not sure. I don't have an answer for that.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Well, you don't have to have one, but it's just
something to consider because that is what he is communicating.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
Okay, see if.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
The ninety days will work for you, and in that time,
like I said, let go doesn't mean you can't reconnect,
but let go. Maybe you just have a new normal
in a relationship, and you don't have to stop loving him,
you don't have to stop caring about him, but you
do have to hear what he's saying and move accordingly
(33:30):
and a way that works for you. Make it work
for you. Okay, okay, you all right, my love, take
good care, bye bye. When it comes to communication, we
really have to learn how to hear what's being said
(33:50):
as opposed to what we are listening to. You're listening
takes place inside of you, and your hearing is your
response to the information or the words that are coming
from the outside. And you've got to make sure that
you're listening is clear and that your hearing is clear,
(34:14):
because if you confuse those two things, you're going to
end up putting what you're listening to on the other
person and make them responsible for what you're listening to,
and you're totally ignore what it is that you're hearing
from that. Oh, communication takes a bad rap, and that's
(34:36):
because most of us don't know how to do it.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, And if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
(34:57):
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(35:18):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
fact that I was not always good at making my
relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
the same person. In other words, I have seen a
lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
(00:23):
the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. I want to speak today as an advocate
(00:48):
for communication because I think communication takes a bad rap
in relationships. Everybody blames everything on communication. Oh, we have
bad commun munication, we have poor communication. We can't communicate.
He don't communicate. I don't communicate. It's not communication, it's
(01:08):
your mind. When you don't have clarity in your mind
about who you are, about what you want, about what
it is that you're doing, and what it is you desire.
When you're not clear about what's working what's not working,
of course you can't communicate. You can't communicate with yourself.
(01:29):
How you going to communicate with somebody else. Communication is
a two way operation. It's offering something, it's hearing something,
and in there you have speaking, you have listening, you
have hearing, you have sharing, and people don't make those distinctions.
What's the distinction between hearing and listening. There's two different things,
(01:50):
and when you don't know that and you try to articulate,
it'll break down and then you blame communication. Communication has
to be clear, but the clarity has to first come
from within you. Communication has to be clean, meaning you
cannot have a hidden agenda. You can have unspoken truths,
(02:13):
you can have speculations and judgments, clear clean, and then
it has to be complete, complete. You have to say
what you mean, mean what you say, and walk away
with every question you had answered. But since most of
us go into communications without a clear intention, without a
(02:34):
clear direction, it breaks down and then we blame it
on communication. Stop blaming communication and blame your crooked mind communication.
My next guest thinks she has a communication problem. I
don't think it's communication. I think it's a lack of clarity.
Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
(03:01):
And what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma that we
can investigate today?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Okay, so I have been in an almost nine year
relationship now and five years into the relationship, we decided
to move in with each other. Then we end up
having a baby. Two years after the baby, well, during
my pregnancy we had kind of like a little downfall.
(03:27):
We you know, fell off a little bit. So we're
trying to get that together. The baby came, we were
able to help hold it together for the baby. Two
years later, we decided, we mutually agreed that it was
best for us to separate. I moved out and also
off have two kids prior to him. We decided to separate.
(03:48):
I moved out. So now it's been two years that
we've been separating. So within these last two years, it's
just been it's just been a real emotional rollercoaster, you know,
trying to decide if we still want to be together
or if we don't want to be together. But at
the same time, we are still seeing each other. We're
still kind of like dating, you know. Still nothing really changed.
(04:11):
Let's say that nothing really changed in our pattern except
for we move we separated. So I'm just trying to
figure out how do I navigate.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
That navigate what let do you navigate one?
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I guess, I guess navigate on us trying to get
back together into one household and just being just being
able to be competible and have a better communication and
better relationship to get back on track, for us to
move back into with each other and move forward in
our lives.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Can I ask a question, why did you break up
in the first place?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Well, I don't. I don't. I don't necessarily think we
never broke up. I think that's where the I don't know.
I don't want to say that's a problem, but we
never really broke up.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Well, what does that mean? How are you defining separation
when you left? What was the agreement? What was the understanding?
Speaker 2 (05:01):
I don't know. I guess we were I guess when
we moved out, when we separated, we just said that
we were just going to I don't know really, to
be honest, I guess we were trying to figure it
out as long as we go.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Okay, wait a minute, hold on, because now I'm confused.
I moved out because I moved out because.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I moved out because we ultimately couldn't get along or
a communication fell apart. We were on the same level.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
What does that mean? What does that mean? Communication? What
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
I guess we like maybe it was like it because
I I cannot I'm able to articulate how I felt.
So at that time, he was in school when we
were living together, he was in schools and he was
going home from school and working from home, so he
spent a lot of time upstairs on a computer. I
was downstairs, you know, I was pregnant at the time,
taking care kids, and then I had the baby, taking
(06:02):
care of the baby, and then I just felt like,
you know, he never really contributed to the household where
when we moved in, our agreement was for me to
take care of the household age because he paid all
the bills. I didn't pay any bills. And I think
that's just the communication just fell apart, and I think
I got overwhelmed in the situation and I could not
(06:24):
express that to him, and then we just kind of
fell off.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
So I moved out because we couldn't communicate. I couldn't
express my needs and wants. I was overwhelmed and couldn't
express that, and he didn't contribute to the household. Is
that but he paid all the bills, but he didn't
contribute to the household. Break that down for me, what
(06:50):
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Well, maybe towards just taking care of the kids or
the cooking, the cleaning. He didn't contribute any of that.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
You mean, the man who was in school and working
and paying all the bills didn't help you with the
kids and the cooking and the cleaning.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Right, And I didn't see that then.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Okay, so you moved out. Are there any other reasons
you moved out? No?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
And well I couldn't know. It was mutual. We agreed
that it would be best for us to separate before
I guess.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Before mutual for us to separate. And did you define
what that separation would look like?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
No, we didn't.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
So now two years later, you all are still You've
got this entanglement going on, lack of clarity about what
it is correct, lack of clarity about what you're doing,
lack of clarity about where you're going, lack of clarity.
So nothing has changed, but you want to get back
(08:00):
in it under the same roof. Is that what I'm
hearing you say? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
And I think a lot of it, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Yes, Okay, do you see how that could be a problem. Yes,
Let me ask you a question that's going to seem
totally random. Okay, And I don't care what your answer is.
I just want to explore this a little bit. Is
it that you didn't grow up with a father, or
(08:32):
is it that your father was very dominating.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
I didn't grow up with my father.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
You don't know as a woman how to be in
relationship with a man upon whom you are dependent, because
if he paid all of the bills, you were dependent
upon him, yes, which immediately drops him into the daddy role.
But if you didn't grow up with a daddy, you
(08:58):
don't know how to be present in authority or in
the presence of authority. So you just become a little girl.
And little girls usually don't complain to their daddy. Little
girls sometimes don't know how to ask daddy what they want.
For what they want, they'll whine and they'll complain to
(09:18):
themselves and whatever whatever. So, but if you weren't in
relationship with a man in a authority role in your life,
you never developed that voice and that place to know
how to be in relationship with a man that you
consider to be an authority. Right, hmm. Interesting, we'll talk
(09:43):
more about it when we come back. Welcome back to
the r spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So
the first thing I want you to know is he's
not your daddy. That's number one, right, And if you've
giving up the cookies to him, you have a right
to ask what you want for what you want. Yeah,
(10:06):
so what do you want?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
What I want is for us to be able to
communicate better, to move forward with our.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Relationship, communicate better. Well, first of all, we might want
to explore a little bit. What is the relationship is
that your man? Are you his woman? Are you just
the mother of his children? Are you his girlfriend? Are
you what is the relationship between the two of you?
Are you a co parenting? Are you good friends? Friends
(10:38):
with benefits? You got to get clear about that. What
is the relationship?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah, cause I feel like we're all of the above.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Actually, well what does he feel?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
I don't know, And I think that's what I want
to say. That's what I've been trying to figure out.
But then when I asked him, is yeah, we work together,
but then it's always but I feel like there's like
an apprehensive there, like a hesitation.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Rather okay, and have you asked him about that? What
is your hesitation?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I haven't because little girls don't challenge their daddy. So
the first thing that you have to find out to him,
what is our relationship? How do you see our relationship?
What are we doing here? You have to ask that question, yes,
because you don't know if he got a girlfriend on
(11:36):
the side, you don't know what he's doing. Does he
have a key to your house? Do you have a
key to his house? When do y'all get together? How
do you get together? What is going on? You're like
a carrot on a stick.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I guess that's where it falls in where we have
trouble with spending time with each other because I guess
because it's like I want to We try to spend
time with each other, but then it's like, you know,
some days I feel like I'd rather just be home
alone that or I've had this face alone to myself.
A lot of times I feel like I'd rather be alone,
(12:08):
home alone rather well, is.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
It possible that you all can be in a relationship
and have separate households? Is that what you want or
is that what he wants? Or is that workable for you?
But it still means that you have to clarify what
the relationship is again. Are you all just co parenting?
Are you partners? Are you friends? With benefits. What are
(12:33):
you got to get that stuff clear? And it can't
just be you. You have to understand what it is
that he wants, and you have to share with him
what he wants. And then if both of you want
the same things but there are obstacles between you, then
you can also you can always get some support or
some help to deal with the obstacles. And then what
about the children? You got children bouncing around in here.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
But I feel like that's also a big factor too.
I have two teenage boys, the second teenage boys in him.
They kind of bump hands a little.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Well, I guess so, because if you don't know who
this man is in your life, how is your son
supposed to know who this man is in his life?
Is this an elder man in my life? My stepfather,
my mother's friend who guides me, supports me. I mean,
if you don't know who he is, how's your son
supposed to know who he is?
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Well, we've had that conversation multiple times, but I feel
like we never get anywhere. And then we agree to,
you know, let's spend time together, and then we'll spend
a time together, and then life goes on, and then
we fall back into what we were doing prior to that.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
You might need some outside support because clearly there are
things that are unspoken. Clearly there are things that are unsad.
You can't even tell me why you separated other than
he wasn't contruyet into the household besides paying all the bills.
You know how many women would stay with a man
who pays all the bills. A woman who's a stay
(14:08):
at home mom, she'd be happy to cook and clean.
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I want to encourage you to get clear about what
you want and if you can have it with him,
and he's not your father, you don't have to be
afraid to let him go, nor do you have to
hang on. If this is the man in your life,
then you need to get clear about what it is
that you want from the man in your life and
(14:37):
see by asking if he's willing to provide those things
and what does he want from the woman in his life,
and if he can articulate that to you, if he
can share that with you, then maybe you need to
consider am I willing to be that for him? And
(14:58):
you may not be able to do that by yourself.
You may have to get some outside support you know,
a counselor coach, therapist, whatever. Are you ready to have
the conversation. Are you clear about what you want, because
if not, I'm going to tell you don't have it
(15:19):
until you are clear. You are clear. I want to
be with him, but I want us to be in
separate household. I want us to have more time together.
I want us to continue. Be clear, because again, you're
growing yourself up, so you don't know who you are becoming.
You can only be who you are right now. So
(15:40):
get clear about what it is that you want.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Okay, yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Let me know how you make out. Thank you, okay,
my love, take care, bye bye. Why One of the
reasons that we have challenges when it comes to communication, hearing, listening, speaking,
(16:08):
is because we forget that there's an organic process going
on in our relationships. Things are growing, things are falling off,
things are coming into being, and we won't let things
happen organically, and we try to communicate from what we
think might happen or the fear of what won't happen.
(16:29):
Let it happen organically and respond to the moment. Be
aware of what you're listening to within yourself in the moment.
Be aware of what you're hearing from the other person
in the moment, not about what couldn't happen, what might happen,
what didn't happen, what should happen the organic process. Communicate
(16:51):
about that and not about the fears or the desperation
or the past or the future. Organically, Let it happen organically.
That's what my next caller is dealing with, fear or
hesitation or resistance or judgment of the organic process. Greetings,
(17:12):
be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. How can
I support you today in moving through your relationship issue
challenged dilemma?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
Hi, thank you so much for taking my call. The
question that I have so just a little bit briefly
about me is I have been single for almost six
years because I really wanted to spend some time working
on myself and figuring out who I wanted and what
I needed in a partnership. So I met someone about
two years ago. We started great dating. Everything was great,
(17:43):
and I'm trying my heartest like not to give up
on somebody because I feel like in the past I
just fil the talent too easy. But the situation I'm
in now with this person we're coming up on two
years and about six or so months ago they left
their full time corporate job to pursue entrepreneurship. Unfortunately, it
hasn't been working out in the way that they thought
that it would, and so they're struggling a little bit
(18:05):
financially now. And in that time, they've been pretty distant
with me, and he said that he just really isn't
feeling like much of a man right now because of
him not being able to earn money in the same
way and him feeling like a failure, and so he
just doesn't have a capacity to show up for me.
So my question is, do I stick around. Do I
(18:25):
be a cheerleader and just kind of work with him
as he gets over this hurdle, or do I just
like really listen when he tells me I don't want
to be in a relationship right now, or I don't
have time for the relationship right now because of my finances.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
So let me ask you a question. Okay, if a
man says to you, I don't want to be in
a relationship right now because I'm working on myself, I'm
pursuing something. It's not looking the way I wanted to look,
and I'm not feeling really good about myself right now.
The man says that to you, do you listen to
what he's saying or do you stick around and be
(19:01):
his cheerleader.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
I think I'll listen to what he's saying. I think
for me in my house, I think in my mind,
I guess like because we had a year and a
half of like greatness and it was just kind of like,
if to me, if we need to slow down on
like going out or sending money or things like that,
that's fine. But I don't know. I think that I
(19:23):
don't know if I'm setting myself up for selure of
having hope that when he does get it together that
it will still be me that he wonts or if
it's really he just decided I'm not the person and
this is the excuse he's using.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
What difference does it make a man has said to you,
I don't want to be in relationship with you if
it's because he found too gray hair under his chin,
what difference does it make?
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
And how old are you?
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Thirty four?
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Thirty four? How long have you been thirty four?
Speaker 3 (19:55):
In October?
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Okay, since October you've been thirty four? But you've been
in your life all your life? Right?
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Did you waste any time in your life to get
to thirty four?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
I want to call it a waste, but I definitely
made sure. I think I've made decisions that I wish
I had done things differently, but I don't want to
call anything like a waste of time.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Right. So, you've been with you thirty four years. You've
made some mistakes that you could have done differently, but
you think that thirty four years you've been with you
is pretty good, right?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Okay, So why you convention over a year and a
half you've been with somebody else. If you could put
up with you for thirty four years, why can't you
put up with somebody else and let it go for
a year and a half?
Speaker 2 (20:43):
That's true?
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Is it? Is it true?
Speaker 3 (20:49):
I think the reason for me is that I know
what I have dated people in the past. I have
very easily been like Nope, done with this person, done
with this person, and didn't really fight or give it
a try or work doing tough things. And I was
just trying to not be that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
But what does the past have to do with the
present moment? And a man who is saying I don't
want to be in relationship right now for whatever reason.
I found two gray hen or air on my chin.
I'm trying to grow my penis another inch. I saw
the moon and it filled me up with melancholy. What
(21:27):
the difference does it make he don't want to be
in relationship? Okay, and you stick around thinking that he
can change his mind or it's going to be different,
or he's not telling whatever. What part of you as
a woman can't hear he doesn't want to be in
relationship for whatever reason. We'll talk about that right after
(21:52):
this break. Come back to the R spot. Let's pick
up where we left off. I can't get past he
don't want to be in relationship. I can't get past that.
That would do it for me. I hear you love
you mean it. You don't have to stop loving him,
(22:12):
caring about him. But it's a year and a half.
I've been with me for thirty four years, So if
somebody is rejecting me, I'm gonna believe him.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yeah, okay, Well that was easy.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
And what do you want to investigate is why in
the why can't you hear that?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
I think that it's been hard to hear it, because
we still communicate every day and we still talk and
we still say I love you and everything, And so
that's why I think it's been a little bit challenging.
Like he even like since saying that he has even
taken me to meet his parents. So I don't know,
(22:52):
Like I think that the things that he says is saying.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Is nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
I love you, You're amazing. I'm not in a good place
that I need to be in a better place. But
I think that it hasn't been complete ignoring that's been happening,
or complete like shutting off of communication. It's been like, oh,
we're selling each other's lives, but I'm still talking to
you about all these things and we're still doing everything else.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Well, maybe you only need to take a break. Maybe
what you can say is I hear you saying you
want to be in a better place, and I want
that for you. But because of how I feel about you,
I don't know how to navigate this. So let's take
a ninety day break. And what that break looks like
is we're not going to be talking to each other
each day, We're not going to be going out, we're
(23:38):
not going to be doing those things for at least
ninety days, and then at the end of the ninety
days we can reevaluate. Because I can't navigate this, tell
them the truth. Okay, I don't know how to navigate this.
So I'm hoping against hope that you'll get it together.
But you have to know it doesn't do my woman.
(23:59):
That's really good to hear. To be with a man
who says he doesn't want to be in relationship. See
what happens. Okay, what does that mean? Okay, I said.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Now I wrote it down.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
It sounds like we just need to have a talk
and a clear I'm not like a I mean, maybe
a break will work. I've never been that type that
comes back to something just because of like my own
healing process.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
I just like to really move forward.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
So I don't know about the coming back in ninety days,
but maybe that is something that I need to try
that I've never tried before. But the problem is too
I don't want to spend ninety days hopeful either, because
I know.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
You don't go on with your life.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
Yeah, it's not that easy.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Go on with your life. Yeah, find something new to
do in that ninety days. Take a knitting, Go get
a fish, you got a dog, get on.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
No, I do have a lot of things I could
do to take of my time. I'm a PhD student,
so lots going on by I understand what you mean.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
But here is the thing. You have to let go
in the ninety days, not hang on in the ninety days.
You have to let go.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
You have tips for letting go.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Make the choice. Hear what he's saying, and maybe in
the ninety days you won't come back to an intimate,
loving relationship. Maybe you'll be friends, maybe you'll be I
don't know, distant cousins. But it's not clear. It's not
clean right now. Yeah, it's not clear or clean because
what he's speaking and what he's doing or two different things,
(25:40):
which sends you into a tail spin. Let go, thanks,
And even if every day you have to get up
and say, I don't know what his name is, boo boo,
I'm letting you go today. I wish you nothing but
the best. I'm letting you go in my mind, I'm
letting you go in my heart. When he calls, you
(26:01):
look at the phone and you say, boo boo, I'm
letting you go. I'm letting you go in your mind,
my mind, I'm letting you go in my heart, I'm
not taking your call.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Do you well?
Speaker 3 (26:12):
A different question, how do you know, like even taking
this person out of the picture, just like for my
own knowledge and advice, how do you know when you're
dating someone, what is something that is a barrier to
work through versus this is not the one to be
fighting for.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
I never advise fighting for anybody. Okay, I allow things
to happen organically. But what's keeping you in the relationship
or what's keeping you hanging on is fear. Fear that
you're doing the wrong thing, Fear that he's right one,
Fear he's not the right one. Fear that you'll hang
around and he won't show up or he won't work through.
It's fear. So that's not love anyway. See, if he
(26:53):
made the decision to quit his job to become an entrepreneur,
what was that discussion and what was the expert there?
Speaker 2 (27:02):
No, I think it was for him.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
It was because he's Nigerian and so he felt like
he was living out his parents' dream. And so he
turned forty and on historieth birthday was just kind of like,
I need to start living my life for myself because
I've been doing it for everybody else, and so I
think that's going to start with pursuing a career that
I want to do now what my parents want me
to do.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
That was a great, great self honoring, self loving choice,
It really was.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
And the fact that he didn't think about the consequences,
or he wasn't prepared, or he didn't look at all
the contingencies. It's just a mistake and he'll have to
figure that out, and you can stick around with him
while he figures it out or not. Yeah, But if
he's saying to you, I don't want to be in
a relationship right now, then I'm why did you go
(27:51):
meet his parents? And why are you still talking to
him every day? What is that? Are you a glutton
for punishment? How about this is not what I want?
How about it's just that simple. Yeah, I don't want
to be in a relationship with a man where I
don't know if I'm coming or going, or if he's
coming or going, or if we're coming or going. I
don't want that. So I love you, but I've got
(28:13):
to let go. Okay, gotta let go? And what's the
butt it makes sense.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
But no, I actually I don't have a butt. I'm
just like listening. I think I'm just hearing probably what
I already knew in my head.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Uh yeah, yeah, See, there's a distinction between hearing and listening.
Your listening is what goes on internally inside of you.
Your hearing is the sound that comes to you or
the words that are delivered to you through another mechanism,
(28:53):
in this way, through his voice. So you're listening is
I don't want to do what I'm doing I did before.
I want to be different and I want to give
this a chance. So when you hear what he says,
it bumps up against your listening and you start, well,
am I doing what I did before? Am I being different?
Or am I doing the same thing? But then you're
(29:13):
not hearing what he is saying. Does that make sense
to you?
Speaker 3 (29:18):
It does? And I think that one thing that I
left out too is when we had the conversation about
that not being a relationship, the way in which he
talked about it was I can't afford to take you
out right now. I can't afford for us to move
in and we provide right now. I can't afford for
these things, and so I think my head was like, well,
(29:41):
I'm making money right now and I can't. I mean,
I'm not paying for nothing for him, But it was
almost like, oh, you're You're making it seem like the
financial piece is like I understand that finances are going
to eb and flow throughout the longevity of any relationships,
and so to me, even though I heard him saying
like I don't want this relationship, the reason was because
(30:03):
I can't provide X, Y and Z with you because
of my finances. And I think I have been trying
throughout this time and why I still met his mom,
still talk to him. I have been trying to show
him like, oh, like, you don't need to have this
much money in order for us to have a meaningful relationship.
But I don't think he sees it as that because
of how much of a provider type of person that
(30:23):
he is. But I do think that that is why
I have been holding on of Like I heard the
not wanting to be in a relationship reason differently in
my head than maybe how.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
He meant it.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
But you're not hearing that you are involved with a
man who measures his value in worth by what he
does and what he can provide. You're not hearing that,
and it doesn't matter what you think. That's what matters
to him. So whether you'll stay together or don't stay together,
(30:56):
you need to hear what he's saying, because should he
get fired or become incapacitated, you got to understand that
that's a blow to how he sees himself as a man.
Doesn't matter what you think. Hear what he's saying. Trying
to convince him that what he thinks and feels about
(31:17):
himself doesn't matter to you. That's not going to work
out either. He's giving you some really valuable information.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Here that doesn't change what his values are and what matter.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
Said, but you're not hearing it. And sometimes that's what
we do, and that's what throws communication off and then
we blame communication. No, he's being very clear, I value
myself as a man by what I do, what I have,
and what I can give. That's how he values himself.
(31:49):
Otherwise the conversation would have been I really want to
go out and work on this entrepreneurial thing and see
if I can make it work, and I really want
to know if you'll hang in here with me. That's
another possibility. It's going to look different. We're not gonna
be able to go out like we used to, and
I don't feel good about you as the woman paying
(32:10):
for stuff, so we'll have to stay home. We won't
be able to do those things. As long as this
isn't working for me, that's another possibility. But he had
that conversation, right, So he's giving you some valuable information
about who he is, about his character, about his sense
(32:32):
of self value, self worth, whether he got it from
his parents or not. Some of it is cultural, yeah,
but it's still information. Do you want to be with
a man who values himself and measures his worth based
on what he has and what he does? Is that
who you want to be with?
Speaker 3 (32:51):
I don't know. I guess I never really thought it.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:55):
I hadn't thought about it in that way, But I'm
not sure. I don't have an answer for that.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Well, you don't have to have one, but it's just
something to consider because that is what he is communicating.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
Okay, see if.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
The ninety days will work for you, and in that time,
like I said, let go doesn't mean you can't reconnect,
but let go. Maybe you just have a new normal
in a relationship, and you don't have to stop loving him,
you don't have to stop caring about him, but you
do have to hear what he's saying and move accordingly
(33:30):
and a way that works for you. Make it work
for you. Okay, okay, you all right, my love, take
good care, bye bye. When it comes to communication, we
really have to learn how to hear what's being said
(33:50):
as opposed to what we are listening to. You're listening
takes place inside of you, and your hearing is your
response to the information or the words that are coming
from the outside. And you've got to make sure that
you're listening is clear and that your hearing is clear,
(34:14):
because if you confuse those two things, you're going to
end up putting what you're listening to on the other
person and make them responsible for what you're listening to,
and you're totally ignore what it is that you're hearing
from that. Oh, communication takes a bad rap, and that's
(34:36):
because most of us don't know how to do it.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, And if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
(34:57):
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(35:18):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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