August 28, 2024 • 42 mins
In this episode, Iyanla asks callers what their loved ones do that drives them CRAZY? What are the deal breakers and what problems can make the relationship stronger? What must we do to communicate our issues and how do we express them with love?
We have several guests who unpack what drives them crazy, from cleanliness to lack of intimacy and everything in between. Iyanla also points out, to all her guests, what could be driving their loved ones crazy about them because crazy-making behavior is a two-way street.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
Instagram & X: @IyanlaVanzant
Facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I am Youngla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my love
to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache,
I finally got clear about what love is and what
it is not. I want to share some of what
(00:21):
I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
Welcome to our spot, the place we come to learn
(00:43):
about relationships. How to be better in relationships, how to
create better relationships, how to sustain relationships, because relationships are
the classroom that we must all study in during our
adventure call life. Okay, we're talking about crazy making behavior today.
(01:07):
I once heard a comedians say that if you've never
wanted to kill somebody, then you have never been in love.
That's right. You know that person that you love the most,
that just comes that moment when you look at them
and you want to say, why are you breathing? Why
are you breathing? Have you ever had that experience? M
(01:27):
doesn't matter who you are, doesn't matter how deeply you
are in love. There are things that our partners do
our children's do Oh my god. When you're in relationship,
it just comes those moments when people do things and
most of the time they are totally unconscious that they're
(01:49):
doing it, smacking their lips when they're eating, or they're sleeping,
they're snoring or farting. So we're gonna take a lighthearted,
fun look today at those things that happen in our
relationships that absolutely drive us bunkers. Okay, and let's see
how do you deal with it? How do you deal
(02:10):
with it when somebody it's just being who they are,
doing what they do and it's making you crazy? Do
you check it? Do you stop it? When not not
even aware that they're doing it. So I've got a
couple of guests today we want to just take a
light hearted look at crazy making behavior. And here's my
first caller. Welcome to the R five. We are talking
(02:36):
today about crazy making behavior. What is it that your
partner or your children, or your mother or your father,
your sister, your brother, that loved one. What is it
that they do that drives you crazy?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Oh my god, the stubbornness.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Stubbornness, what do you mean? Tell me more?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Just stubborn behavior, being reluctant could change to the effects
of communication, you know, just being a little bit more flexible.
Everyone has to kind of be right in every instance,
and it does kind of create, you know, or the
other animosity should.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I say, are you talking about your partner, your kids,
your mother?
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Who?
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Oh, my partner? And thing sometimes where I do notice
that I'm an effect of communicator, So sometimes I'm kind
of looking like, Okay, we could communicate a little bit better,
or you're a little bit stubborn, so you know, But
oftentimes with my partner and I'm during the course of
the marriage, I found that to be a huge thing
(03:42):
for us. So my son he has that also. He's seventeen,
he'll be eighteen in February, and he's kind of at
that place where he's kind of in a little rebellious
and as they say, smelling himself.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Now, what do you do when they do that? What
do you do when they're being stubborn? I mean, do
you push in, do you let it go? Do you
shake your head? What do you do.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
All the above? But I do draw back a lot,
and I think that it has a lot to do
with me being like a much more of a mediator
that is what I do for a living. So I
like to mediate and I like to find common ground
where everyone can kind of agree to disagree and do
(04:25):
things from different perspectives, so that you know, empathy. Empathy
goes a long way. But a lot of times, you know,
sometimes people are said in their ways.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
So now I was going to ask you that do
you think that they do it? Do you think they
do it purposely, or do you think they're unconscious of
their stubbornness.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Well, I'll be very transparent. When I kind of pursued
my career in being a family counselor, I think a
lot more people BEAUTI from the perspective as though I
view them as my clients, and that is not the case.
I just feel that if there's an effective way to communicate,
(05:06):
then why not try the more effective way. So a
lot of times they feel like I'm kind of analyzing
them or assessing them as opposed to just trying to,
you know, find better ways to communicate and just break
down the barriers.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Okay, now here's here's the pop quiz. What do you
do that you think drives them crazy?
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I will be very honest. A lot of times people
say that I'm it all. And while I can say
I can deal from your perspective and say, okay, maybe
just a little bit more knowledgeable in some things, but
I wouldn't say I know it all. And oftentimes, you know,
(05:55):
when there is an imbalance between what someone has studied
or a degree that they've obtained, or something that they've
done that others have not, and when you kind of,
you know, have that expanded knowledge, now you're a know
it all. But I wouldn't say that that that that happens.
But I honestly feel that, you know, in most families,
(06:21):
situations and dynamics, communication is a big thing, especially an
African American community. You know, therapy is not advocated for
so when someone is trying to kind of be a mediator,
oh now they feel stigmatized and you know, well, I'm
not your client, and don't try to over analyze this
(06:44):
or assess me. And it's just sometimes it's just as
you said, shake.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
My head, trust me. If there's something they do that
drives you crazy, there is something you do that drives
them crazy also so crazy makeing behave I believe that
yeah crazy, Well, you know what you can ask them,
not just being a know it all but ask them
things that we do that we are totally unconscious of.
(07:11):
But thanks for calling. Thanks, We're going to put that
on the list. Ineffective communication drives you crazy, okay, yeah,
in effective communication, I know. If you are a talker
or you are, like our last caller, a mediator and
you want to get stuff settled and you cannot get
(07:32):
the other person to say a word, that is crazy
making behavior. Let's see what else we got on the
menu today. What is it that your partner, your children,
your parents, your coworkers do that drive you crazy? Hi'm
mis Hello, my darling, how are you?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
I'm doing well good. My partner likes to focus on
the physical intimacy instead of the heart intimacy in our relationship,
and it drives me crazy.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Tell me more, what do you mean?
Speaker 3 (08:13):
He feels as if all of our relationship problems will
be solved if we were more physically intimate. Yet he
doesn't understand that that's one sided. So you know, he
may be able to satisfy himself, but if the talking,
(08:37):
daring the others, the deeper level of intimacy is not there,
then I am not satisfied. So it's kind of one
sided and it just drives me crazy that for him
it's just the physical that's the only thing that matters,
(08:57):
and he can't see anything else other than that.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Oh, my goodness, my goodness, that is a common common issue.
So what do you do? How do you manage that?
Speaker 3 (09:13):
So I have been satisfying at times his need, and
I feel like I have been doing myself a terrible
disservice because I have gone completely unsatisfied physically and emotionally,
(09:34):
because again, it's just all one sided for that. But
if it's been one sided.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
And can he hear you when you say that to him,
this doesn't feel good to me, or I need something
deeper than this? Does he hear you when you say that?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Well, no, no, I don't believe so, because his reaction
is to try to make physical changes in shifts and
not again the emotional changes and shifts. Let me take
(10:13):
this pill so I could last longer instead of doing
something that's going to you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well what would it be for you?
Let's see if maybe you can You know, sometime you
can lead the horse to water, and you got to
help him drink it too, So what would a deeper
level of intimacy be for.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
You, sharing, having a nice date, telling me that I'm beautiful,
touching me, look at me in my eyes, daring our day,
asking me how my day was, hearing my concerns. I mean,
(10:55):
I guess I feel as if my presence is just
not My physical presence in his world is enough, but
it's I need more than that. Me just being physically
present in or him being physically present in the room
is not enough for me to feel his presence in
my life.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
And I really hear in your voice how how important
this is for you. I can really really hear that.
And I also hear I don't know if it's sadness
or pain that it's not there, which one is it.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
I am sad because I have I've expressed this and
and still it's just not landing, you know, even just
for me to tell him these are the things that
I need to the to the detail. You know, look
(12:01):
me in my eyes, tell me you love me, Let's
go on a date. You know, these are things that
he see. You know, it's it's like a joke for him.
I think he feels as if it is frivolous. And
when I talk to him about it for him what
(12:23):
he needs, and he's actually said it is for someone
to hold him, have sex with him, and everything is fine,
and it's just not enough for me. We're incompatible, and
it's just becoming so obvious now that you know we're
growing apart. Now I'm examining how long we have been
(12:45):
this incompatible.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
I was going to ask you how old is the relationship?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Seventeen years?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Oh my god, mm hmm. So let me ask you this.
Are you done or are you still willing to do
some work?
Speaker 4 (13:07):
I'm done?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Have you had that come Have you had that conversation
with him?
Speaker 3 (13:13):
I've had that conversation with him, and he would like
to try. In the back of my mind, I still
keep asking myself how I've gone so long in the situation,
Where did it go wrong? What can I do differently
so that in my next go around I'm not settling again.
(13:38):
I'm still examining within myself what it is that has
had me in a situation for all of this time
and not satisfied.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Well, don't think about it in terms of time, in
terms of years. Think about it in terms of disconnec
from self. As we get older, we get wiser, we
get more connected to the self. So let me ask
you a question. What is it that you told yourself
that allowed you to go unsatisfied for so long? What
(14:18):
is it that you tell yourself?
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I told myself that this is what love was, This
was as good as it gets. I told myself that
this is what I deserved, that it ain't get any
better than that. To afraid to find anything better than
that or anything different.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Too afraid to find it, or afraid that you wouldn't.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Find it that I wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
And do you get that as long as you satisfied
his needs and denied your needs, that you were communicating
to him that this is okay, even though it wasn't okay.
By continuing to satisfy his physical needs and allow your
emotional needs to go unmet, you communicated to him, okay,
(15:07):
I'm just talking whatever. So you're speaking and your behavior
were incongruent. You were saying one thing and doing something else.
I'm just bringing this to your awareness because you said
you want to know so that next time you don't
do the same thing. So one of the things that
(15:28):
you have to do, which probably drives other people crazy
about you, is that you say one thing and do
something else. It's like, you know the boy who cried wolf.
This is not okay, this is not what I want,
this is not what I need. But I'm gonna give
you what you want, what you need and let my
needs go unmat Are are you in your forties or
(15:50):
headed there?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
I'm in my fifties.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Oh in your fifties. Oh so you denied all your forties. Yeah,
that's what's happening to you. The wise woman is waking up.
So you know you need a recent show that we
did called exit strategy. If you're done, to honor yourself,
(16:18):
you've got to have an exit strategy. You've got to
know when you're leaving, how you're leaving, where you're going,
is he leaving, how you're going to support just all
of that stuff. If you're done, that's where you need
to go. And part of the effort exit strategy is
communicating to him. You know he won't look you in
(16:40):
your eye. You need to look him in his eye
and say I'm done, I'm no longer willing to go unsatisfied.
Not You have to start, and you may have to
say it like Grandma said fifty eleven times, but you've
got to start communicating that so that when you make
your move, when you make your exit, whatever that looks like,
(17:03):
or you ask him to exit, or however you do it,
that it's you know that it's loving. Because here's the thing.
I want you to be real clear about this. You
cannot leave until you can stay. You cannot leave until
you can stay. Let me explain what that means. It
(17:25):
means if you're leaving in anger and upset and bitterness
or any of that. If you're leaving that way, you're
going to be ping ponging back and forth until you
can stay with him, knowing what you need and want
no longer making his needs more important than yours, until
(17:47):
you can stay and not be mad at him or
upset with him. You can't choose to leave. And the
only way you're going to leave and be gone is
if you make a choice. I'm done. I'm choosing to
leave now. I'm done. I can't take this no more.
I don't want this no more. I ain't doing this
no more. Uh huh. If you do that, you're gonna
(18:09):
ping pong back and forth. You go and come back,
or you go and you let him in. And you've
got to be able to stay. You've got to be
able to stay and not be angry, not be upset,
but make a self loving, self honoring, self supported choice
to be out of this relationship because it is not
(18:29):
satisfying to be out of this relationship, because you want
more intimacy, to be out of this relationship, because you
now recognize that you and he are incompatible. You may
have been compatible when you were not in touch with
your deeper self, but you are now moving into that
woman's cycle, that wise woman cycle, when you are in
(18:51):
touch with yourself and what looked like a chocolate Sunday
is now a soggy brownie. Yeah, you cannot leave until
you can stay, and until you can talk to him
and say what you need to say without any concern
about how he feels or what he's going to do
(19:12):
or what and untill you until you stop, you know,
giving up the who ha. He don't get no more
who ha, no more who ha for him. So just
don't beat yourself up. It's a natural, organic process. You know,
if you love him and he's willing to do the work,
things could shift tomorrow. And if he's not and you
(19:35):
recognize we're just in we are now incompatible you know
people being marriage just twenty twenty five, thirty years and
they break up and they think somebody did something wrong.
Sometimes you just grow apart and it's okay. That's why
it's good to stay until you can leave with no anger,
no bitterness, no upset. I'm just I'm choosing choosing something else.
(20:01):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
That makes sense? That makes sense. So there's been a
come of time where I'm going to sit in this
relationship and I can sit in and live with him.
And when I can live with him and not feel
(20:26):
as if I need to bolt, I can be in
that relationship. They'll lovingly be able to communicate and know
within myself it is time for me to leave. Then
I can leave, and in the meantime, no nookie for him.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
The reason I'm saying that is because you're sending a
mixed message. This is not okay, but it's okay. It's
not okay, but I accept it. It's not okay, but
I can do it. And what I'm hearing you say
is you're at the point where you no longer want
to do this. So vote for you. Vote for you. You
get one vote, it's for you, and he'll figure it
(21:07):
out or not or not. If the love is strong
and the foundation is solid, things will shift. Maybe you
all have to go to counseling or whatever, or you
may just really be done. But you got it. Sounds
like a plan to me.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Sounds like a plan to me too.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Well, thank you for calling. I wish you the best
of you are so welcome, I beloved, take good care.
I wonder how many people out there put up with
the thing that drives them crazy to the degree that
it just destroys the relationship, which just tears it down.
(21:51):
And sometimes the thing that drives you crazy really is
such a powerful learning tool for you. I mean why,
I'm not talking about farting, snoring, burping, I'm not talking
about that. But this situation that my last caller brings up,
(22:11):
that we will deny ourselves and put up with what
we don't want, what is not satisfying us, rather than
be alone or rather than ask for what we want.
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
(22:37):
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
I am a Yamla and today we are looking at
crazy making behavior. What isn't in your relationship that your
partner does or doesn't do that drives you crazy. We've
heard effective communication, we've heard a lack of heart centered intimacy,
(22:57):
but physical intimacy. And we've heard how the crazy making
behavior can really destroy a relationship. And the crazy making
behavior can also wake you up. Let's see what my
next caller has to say. Welcome to the ur spot.
We are talking today about crazy making behavior. What is
(23:21):
it that somebody you absolutely love does that drives you crazy?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
What is it, Yethano, miss one thing that drives me crazy?
About my husband? He sleeps with his belongings in the bed.
I mean, there's a phone, there's a laptop, and in
the morning, I'm waking up to an alarm clock that's
underneath my stomach because I rolled over on his cell phone.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Are you kidding me? He sleeps with electronics in the bed?
Speaker 5 (23:52):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (23:52):
What is he doing?
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Sometimes he falls asleep doing work. Sometimes he's just scrolling
and next thing you know, his phone is looking at him,
and so he kind of stays up later than me.
So I'm already asleep, But this is how I wake
up almost daily.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Oh yeah, my god. And what have you said to
him about it?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
I asked, why? But that has made me live with
some regrets. So what I just do now I don't
see anything. I just pick up the belongings in the
middle of the night, maybe on my way to the bathroom.
I'll come back and I notice that they're there, and
I'll just put them on his side of the room.
He has an entire desk right beside his bit. So
it's like, I don't know why you couldn't put those
(24:34):
things there, But.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
I got you.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Now, you do know that electromagnetic energy is not good
for either one of you. You do know that, right, Yes,
I do.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
And I've told him this and he's just like, well,
it's okay, and you know, just tries to make reasoning
as to why he continues to do this. But I know.
I teach our kids this, like it's very important that
you not fall asleep with your cell phone on your
chest or on your pillow too quick, see your brain,
it's very dangerous.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Well now not now you're willing to continue with this pattern?
Or are you thinking of ways you can disrupt, you know,
interrupt the pattern.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
See what I do with my kids. I walk around,
I collect I shut off the Wi Fi, and I
collect the devices at night. But I'm thinking of ways
that I can do that with my husband and not
treat him like one of the kids. Any suggestions, I'm
open for it, because you know I don't. I don't
want to get to the point where we're arguing about it.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
But it does make me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Well, I would if there was someplace else I could sleep,
I would sleep there. I guarantee you. The first time
you do it, he's gonna say, say, you know what,
I have read too many articles. I have seen too
many things that say that electromagnetic activity in your brain
when you're sleeping is not healthy. You don't have a breast,
(25:56):
I do. You don't have a wound? I do, I don't.
I don't want cancer. I don't want disease. So you
take your wife to bed, take at and t to
bed with you. I'm go and sleep on the sofa.
Now that's what I went to.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Absolutely, that's it. That is key. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yeah, because really it really isn't safe. It really isn't.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Oh man, I.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Would definitely take that into consituation. We're gonna have that
conversation tonight, because you know, you try not to be
so heavy and demanding, but I've been told that I
could possibly have been too demanding, but as long as
it's for the sake of the kids or anyone's health,
I'm willing to be that.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
So well, you don't want to start glowing green in
the dark and grow a penis out your ear because
your husband is sleeping with a phone.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
I don't have time for that, no, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
You don't have to be demanding about it, you know.
As a matter of fact, here's a possibility. Say you
know what's sweetie. I want you to be happy, and
sleeping with your electronics makes you happy. But sleeping with
your electronics has the potential to make me sick. So
since I want you to be happy, I'm going to
(27:14):
sleep on the sofa.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Night eloquently to the point. But sweet I love it,
I have to work on that.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
So just take yourself down to the sofa or the
basement or the guest room or wherever. Oh, he'll get clear.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Yeah, I have a pull out there right in my office,
so I'll sleep there and that'll shock them to the core.
That is it. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Okay, my darling, take good care.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Thank you so much for all you do.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
It's interesting you know how we can navigate these things,
because sometimes it's not just crazy making from a personal preference,
it's also crazy making because a person who's doing something,
either unconsciously or unwittingly, they may not even consider the
(28:07):
impact that it has on somebody else, you know. So
sometimes we're just not even conscious of how what we
do impacts another person. And if you don't say anything
about it, they will never know. And we'll talk about
that when we come back. Welcome back to the R
(28:36):
spot Crazy making Behavior. Let me see what my next
caller has to say. Greetings, and welcome to the our spot.
We are talking about what your partner or mother, or
kids or coworkers do that drive you crazy and how
you deal with it.
Speaker 4 (28:54):
I'm doing good, How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (28:56):
I am blessed? Thank you.
Speaker 4 (28:58):
Crazy making behavior Ready, it never fail every single time.
And the all effect he has to pee. I'm not
talking about like starting out. I'm talking about two seconds
before time that he has to stop and he has
(29:18):
to keep literally the past four years. And it's the
most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. And
I don't even know how to approach for to drive
you crazy, that's.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Me crazy that's one't for the books. I don't even know.
I don't even know what to tell you, because you
can't tell somebody you can't pee right now.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
He cannot. And it's actually to the point to where
like I can feel his brain and I say, you
have to be, don't you And then you have to
wait and he comes back and he's ready. But never
fail and it never and actually it probably is the
most guaranteed on the most exciting part of it. And
it's just I've be effect.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
And then.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're waiting. You're just like,
you know, like, what are you supposed to putting your thouars?
You know what I mean, Like, what are you supposed
to do?
Speaker 1 (30:11):
I wonder if it's a health thing. I wonder if
it's a physical thing where one thing is happening and
affects the bladder or I don't know, I've never heard
tell us such a thing.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, I never experienced this before.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
And then it's a whole another conversation. If that's a
whole other conversation. But you know, how do you even
approach something like that because you know it and it's
never failed, it never.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
But you know what, no really this sounds this sounds
like a health thing. Maybe you should invite him to
go see a urologist. You know, it might be a
health thing. I mean, you can approach it from that perspective.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
But he don't ever have bladder problems anytime else, Like
it's just this, Like it would be different. I guess
you know, we're driving and you can't hold your urine,
but it's always just in this. I don't know, girl,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
But but I'm saying it might be a physical thing.
But does he does he pee before? Can he pee before?
Speaker 4 (31:09):
Can he he does? I've tried that, you know, well
before he even get started. Why would you go relieve yourself?
This is not like thirsty p you know what I mean? Like,
this is not like you know you say in trouble.
I don't know what to say. And like I said,
it's a very sensive topic. But he drives me crazy,
he really does.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
I really think he should go see a urologist. He
really should him.
Speaker 4 (31:37):
How should I start that conversation, you know? And by
the way, I don't know I'm going to say something.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (31:42):
If he says something, you just suck it up. Granted
when you come back tip top ten. You know top ten,
he's a good man, Savannah for good god.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Well, you you got me stumped on this one. The
only thing I can say is get me to a urologist, really,
and and that's a real simple cause you know, it's
a real simple conversation, you know, babe. I'm really a
little concerned that every time we are being intimate that
your bladder becomes involved, that could be some something wrong
(32:15):
with your wiring. Have you thought about seeing the urologist
and maybe explain the situation.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
I will definitely it's been Like I said, I will
actually recommend that because it's been a tricky conversation, you know,
side that you know, is this normal? It's just it's
not without bringing up you know, past partners or fast
things like that. But yeah, it's mind blowing, like I said,
And it's always the most opportunity, you know, we wait
till we get some lettle nine and we want to
(32:44):
come back to too.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Oh my lord. But again, if you express it from
a place of concern, as a place of you know,
frustration or or angst or whatever, you know, I'm really
concerned about this. This doesn't feel right. That your bladder
becomes involved with our sexual encounters. Have you thought about
(33:07):
talking to a urologist?
Speaker 4 (33:09):
It's so bad, it's about just think it's you know,
in opportunity. What if it is something I never thought
about that ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
It sounds to me like something is miswired down there
because one thing ain't got nothing to do with the other.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
You know, And I honestly thought it. I don't know.
I don't know what I thought. Actually, I'm not a
lot of eaither and during that time, I'm thinking about myself,
So I don't know, I've never so, like I said,
the little you're not thinking about Ali, I'm not. I'm
thinking about me, like really this is really and so Yeah,
but and it's everything as outstanding, but it has to
(33:44):
be well.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
I I would let him know that I that you're
concerned about it. You know, you want him to be okay,
you don't want you know, maybe he has an enlarged prostate,
Maybe he has an enlarged bladder, maybe his wiring is
something but a euro If he explains the situation to
a urologist, I'm sure they could let him know and
(34:06):
even let now if it's normal. I don't know that's
just then you in trouble. Even say you know, I
was doing a little research and this doesn't seem to
be I don't want to say normal. This may be
something we should pay attention to because one thing shouldn't
(34:26):
have anything to do with the other. And you know,
it seems that every time, the more heated it becomes,
your bladder wants to relieve itself. There may be something
wrong in the wiring.
Speaker 4 (34:39):
Yeah, and I feel so bad now because I'm definitely
I've been workings, but that what you're saying with it,
like really really.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Really yeah, I would really want to encourage you have
have it checked out the most.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
It may be a health concern because again, one thing
has nothing to do with the others. So I don't know, well,
who knew? Who knew? Well, have the conversation, Okay, all right,
thank you? Wow, I tell you who knew? A fun
(35:21):
lighthearted look and crazy making behavior bump into so many things.
And it also speaks to how in relationships, when we
love someone or when we care about someone, the things
that we will accommodate or even overlook that could have
(35:42):
a much deeper meaning simply because we don't want to
upset or disturb the other person. Let me see what
my next caller has to say. Welcome to the our spot.
We are talking today about what is it that somebody
does that makes you absolutely crazy, crazy making behavior? What
(36:06):
is it?
Speaker 5 (36:06):
I would like to complain about how messy my husband
is and he's a freaking tornado, a category five in
my house.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Oh dude, let's gossip about him. What does he do?
Speaker 5 (36:19):
I had my bathroom done beautifully, like every touch was mine.
I love everything, even says the decal get naked. But
my husband loves taking a bath, and I got a
beautiful stand alone tub, and he lives in there. When
I tell you he lives in there, I can't even
have my friends or my guests that come over go
in without me checking because he does a couple things
(36:41):
in there, such as nothing too bad.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Trust me.
Speaker 5 (36:44):
He enjoys his quote flowers so the tar can get
a little bit all over, and his toilet habit. I mean,
every man should clean up and three human should clean
up after themselves. But that's something that he just just
refuses to do. So you know that's yeah, it's it's bad.
I mean I have a friend that I love sometimes
(37:06):
that passes by and needs to use the bathrooms because
it's like a midway point and she knows who she is,
but she'll just say, you know, I'm coming in hot.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
I'm like, okay, I.
Speaker 5 (37:16):
Hope that bathroom's clean, and he'll go in and take
five minutes and clean up. And that is, without an exaggeration,
that is hands down, probably my biggest thing that I
do in every project he starts, he leaves a complete
mess and doesn't know how to put anything away.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
So that, oh my god, listen, that one would drive
me crazy. Oh my god, leave the tools all over
the place, the thing's incomplete. Oh my god. I'm with
you on that one. I am absolutely with you on
that one. And what do you do?
Speaker 6 (37:50):
Do you?
Speaker 5 (37:51):
I do a gentle reminders while I'm walking by, Like
he loves to clean the floor because we have four dogs,
so it could get a little bit crazy in here.
So he is kind of to clean the floor.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
That's the one thing.
Speaker 5 (38:01):
But putting stuff away is my problem. Now. Kindly remind him,
don't forget to put that away when you're done, and
he will glare at me. No way that he already
knows that, and I shouldn't have to remind him. Yet
five hours later, as I still go up and sitting
in the middle of room living room floor, I'm like, Okay,
I'm just gonna do it. He's like, what I wasn't done?
Like you were done five hours ago? Do you have
more to do that I'm not aware of. This is
(38:23):
the same conversation that we hold probably at least once
a week, and then I.
Speaker 4 (38:27):
Put it away.
Speaker 5 (38:27):
He gets upset with me because I'm putting it away
because he told me he was not done with it.
Speaker 3 (38:31):
Was just not true.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Yeah, that's that's that's one that when you have a
clutterbug or you have a mess a messaholic and a
neat freak. Oh baby, that is a problem right there.
Speaker 5 (38:45):
Well, I much for a compromising.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
I don't even know what to tell you. Do you
think he's conscious of it or does he just do it?
You know, to get on your nerves. You think he's
conscious that he's a mess a mesaholic.
Speaker 5 (39:00):
I know he's quite aware he's messy, and he does
try so God, yes, he does certainly try on certain days.
But it's the bigger projects where I'm like, can I
help you or I'll put things away. I know where
they go, it's like no, no, no, I got it.
Speaker 4 (39:13):
Don't touch anything, okay, got it.
Speaker 3 (39:14):
Fine, But he is conscious about it.
Speaker 5 (39:18):
But then there's that scatterbrain thing like ooh, squirrel, let
me go do something else really quick while I'm doing this,
And then three other smaller projects. So then there's a trail,
which is why I call him my tornado category five.
You know. So I know that's who he's trying to be,
but it's just not truly conscious being in the moment
(39:39):
to just put things away before you start something else.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Well, it may drive you crazy, but it doesn't sound
like it's going to end the marriage.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
No, no, no no.
Speaker 5 (39:47):
But it's fun to just kind of, you know, be
able to opportunity to complain with you and also just
you know, let my frustrations out to the planet.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Yeah yeah, I know you got to that sometimes, and
you know, God bless you. I do know that one
at all. Any mother with a child knows that, and
any woman with a mesaholic as a partner absolutely knows that. Now,
if you were to come in my closet, you may
name me a messaholic, but I know where everything is
(40:19):
that drives people for crazy. I can tell you where
to go in the pile of crazy to get something,
and you know I don't bother me, so I understand.
Speaker 5 (40:31):
Well, you have a door that kind of neatly covers
the peutifl that you can and I can't really door
up the living room.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
No you cannot. No you can't, or the dogs or
the dogs, or the bathtob or the bathtub. Okay, well,
I'll as they say, I will keep you in my prayers.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
I appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
You have a great week, ad you too, my love.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
Bye bye. Yeah, that's a big one. A neat freak
and a that's aholic, that is that's one that I
don't even know how you navigate that and you just
learn how to live with it. But everybody has something
that they do that drives somebody else crazy. So I
(41:18):
would say, when someone is driving you crazy with their behavior,
ask yourself, Okay, what do I do that makes somebody
else crazy? Because if it's in the chair, it's in
the room. So you're driving somebody's driving you crazy. Trust me,
you two are driving somebody crazy. But what gets us
(41:38):
through those things is the love is the love. If
the foundation is solid and the love is present, we
will accommodate that crazy making behavior. Now, there does come
a point when you need to say something about it,
and say it with love, not making the other person wrong,
but just raising your con concerns, raising a possibility for
(42:03):
some change, maybe asking how can I support you in
doing this differently? And if there's something you need, be
sure to ask for what you want. I hope you
have enjoyed this episode of The R Spot. I hope
you've heard something today that you can use to make
your relationships better. We'll be back, but in the meantime,
(42:27):
stay in peace and not in pieces.
Speaker 6 (42:31):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
I am Youngla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my love
to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache,
I finally got clear about what love is and what
it is not. I want to share some of what
(00:21):
I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
Welcome to our spot, the place we come to learn
(00:43):
about relationships. How to be better in relationships, how to
create better relationships, how to sustain relationships, because relationships are
the classroom that we must all study in during our
adventure call life. Okay, we're talking about crazy making behavior today.
(01:07):
I once heard a comedians say that if you've never
wanted to kill somebody, then you have never been in love.
That's right. You know that person that you love the most,
that just comes that moment when you look at them
and you want to say, why are you breathing? Why
are you breathing? Have you ever had that experience? M
(01:27):
doesn't matter who you are, doesn't matter how deeply you
are in love. There are things that our partners do
our children's do Oh my god. When you're in relationship,
it just comes those moments when people do things and
most of the time they are totally unconscious that they're
(01:49):
doing it, smacking their lips when they're eating, or they're sleeping,
they're snoring or farting. So we're gonna take a lighthearted,
fun look today at those things that happen in our
relationships that absolutely drive us bunkers. Okay, and let's see
how do you deal with it? How do you deal
(02:10):
with it when somebody it's just being who they are,
doing what they do and it's making you crazy? Do
you check it? Do you stop it? When not not
even aware that they're doing it. So I've got a
couple of guests today we want to just take a
light hearted look at crazy making behavior. And here's my
first caller. Welcome to the R five. We are talking
(02:36):
today about crazy making behavior. What is it that your
partner or your children, or your mother or your father,
your sister, your brother, that loved one. What is it
that they do that drives you crazy?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Oh my god, the stubbornness.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Stubbornness, what do you mean? Tell me more?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Just stubborn behavior, being reluctant could change to the effects
of communication, you know, just being a little bit more flexible.
Everyone has to kind of be right in every instance,
and it does kind of create, you know, or the
other animosity should.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I say, are you talking about your partner, your kids,
your mother?
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Who?
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Oh, my partner? And thing sometimes where I do notice
that I'm an effect of communicator, So sometimes I'm kind
of looking like, Okay, we could communicate a little bit better,
or you're a little bit stubborn, so you know, But
oftentimes with my partner and I'm during the course of
the marriage, I found that to be a huge thing
(03:42):
for us. So my son he has that also. He's seventeen,
he'll be eighteen in February, and he's kind of at
that place where he's kind of in a little rebellious
and as they say, smelling himself.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Now, what do you do when they do that? What
do you do when they're being stubborn? I mean, do
you push in, do you let it go? Do you
shake your head? What do you do.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
All the above? But I do draw back a lot,
and I think that it has a lot to do
with me being like a much more of a mediator
that is what I do for a living. So I
like to mediate and I like to find common ground
where everyone can kind of agree to disagree and do
(04:25):
things from different perspectives, so that you know, empathy. Empathy
goes a long way. But a lot of times, you know,
sometimes people are said in their ways.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
So now I was going to ask you that do
you think that they do it? Do you think they
do it purposely, or do you think they're unconscious of
their stubbornness.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Well, I'll be very transparent. When I kind of pursued
my career in being a family counselor, I think a
lot more people BEAUTI from the perspective as though I
view them as my clients, and that is not the case.
I just feel that if there's an effective way to communicate,
(05:06):
then why not try the more effective way. So a
lot of times they feel like I'm kind of analyzing
them or assessing them as opposed to just trying to,
you know, find better ways to communicate and just break
down the barriers.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Okay, now here's here's the pop quiz. What do you
do that you think drives them crazy?
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I will be very honest. A lot of times people
say that I'm it all. And while I can say
I can deal from your perspective and say, okay, maybe
just a little bit more knowledgeable in some things, but
I wouldn't say I know it all. And oftentimes, you know,
(05:55):
when there is an imbalance between what someone has studied
or a degree that they've obtained, or something that they've
done that others have not, and when you kind of,
you know, have that expanded knowledge, now you're a know
it all. But I wouldn't say that that that that happens.
But I honestly feel that, you know, in most families,
(06:21):
situations and dynamics, communication is a big thing, especially an
African American community. You know, therapy is not advocated for
so when someone is trying to kind of be a mediator,
oh now they feel stigmatized and you know, well, I'm
not your client, and don't try to over analyze this
(06:44):
or assess me. And it's just sometimes it's just as
you said, shake.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
My head, trust me. If there's something they do that
drives you crazy, there is something you do that drives
them crazy also so crazy makeing behave I believe that
yeah crazy, Well, you know what you can ask them,
not just being a know it all but ask them
things that we do that we are totally unconscious of.
(07:11):
But thanks for calling. Thanks, We're going to put that
on the list. Ineffective communication drives you crazy, okay, yeah,
in effective communication, I know. If you are a talker
or you are, like our last caller, a mediator and
you want to get stuff settled and you cannot get
(07:32):
the other person to say a word, that is crazy
making behavior. Let's see what else we got on the
menu today. What is it that your partner, your children,
your parents, your coworkers do that drive you crazy? Hi'm
mis Hello, my darling, how are you?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
I'm doing well good. My partner likes to focus on
the physical intimacy instead of the heart intimacy in our relationship,
and it drives me crazy.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Tell me more, what do you mean?
Speaker 3 (08:13):
He feels as if all of our relationship problems will
be solved if we were more physically intimate. Yet he
doesn't understand that that's one sided. So you know, he
may be able to satisfy himself, but if the talking,
(08:37):
daring the others, the deeper level of intimacy is not there,
then I am not satisfied. So it's kind of one
sided and it just drives me crazy that for him
it's just the physical that's the only thing that matters,
(08:57):
and he can't see anything else other than that.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Oh, my goodness, my goodness, that is a common common issue.
So what do you do? How do you manage that?
Speaker 3 (09:13):
So I have been satisfying at times his need, and
I feel like I have been doing myself a terrible
disservice because I have gone completely unsatisfied physically and emotionally,
(09:34):
because again, it's just all one sided for that. But
if it's been one sided.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
And can he hear you when you say that to him,
this doesn't feel good to me, or I need something
deeper than this? Does he hear you when you say that?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Well, no, no, I don't believe so, because his reaction
is to try to make physical changes in shifts and
not again the emotional changes and shifts. Let me take
(10:13):
this pill so I could last longer instead of doing
something that's going to you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well what would it be for you?
Let's see if maybe you can You know, sometime you
can lead the horse to water, and you got to
help him drink it too, So what would a deeper
level of intimacy be for.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
You, sharing, having a nice date, telling me that I'm beautiful,
touching me, look at me in my eyes, daring our day,
asking me how my day was, hearing my concerns. I mean,
(10:55):
I guess I feel as if my presence is just
not My physical presence in his world is enough, but
it's I need more than that. Me just being physically
present in or him being physically present in the room
is not enough for me to feel his presence in
my life.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
And I really hear in your voice how how important
this is for you. I can really really hear that.
And I also hear I don't know if it's sadness
or pain that it's not there, which one is it.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
I am sad because I have I've expressed this and
and still it's just not landing, you know, even just
for me to tell him these are the things that
I need to the to the detail. You know, look
(12:01):
me in my eyes, tell me you love me, Let's
go on a date. You know, these are things that
he see. You know, it's it's like a joke for him.
I think he feels as if it is frivolous. And
when I talk to him about it for him what
(12:23):
he needs, and he's actually said it is for someone
to hold him, have sex with him, and everything is fine,
and it's just not enough for me. We're incompatible, and
it's just becoming so obvious now that you know we're
growing apart. Now I'm examining how long we have been
(12:45):
this incompatible.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
I was going to ask you how old is the relationship?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Seventeen years?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Oh my god, mm hmm. So let me ask you this.
Are you done or are you still willing to do
some work?
Speaker 4 (13:07):
I'm done?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Have you had that come Have you had that conversation
with him?
Speaker 3 (13:13):
I've had that conversation with him, and he would like
to try. In the back of my mind, I still
keep asking myself how I've gone so long in the situation,
Where did it go wrong? What can I do differently
so that in my next go around I'm not settling again.
(13:38):
I'm still examining within myself what it is that has
had me in a situation for all of this time
and not satisfied.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Well, don't think about it in terms of time, in
terms of years. Think about it in terms of disconnec
from self. As we get older, we get wiser, we
get more connected to the self. So let me ask
you a question. What is it that you told yourself
that allowed you to go unsatisfied for so long? What
(14:18):
is it that you tell yourself?
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I told myself that this is what love was, This
was as good as it gets. I told myself that
this is what I deserved, that it ain't get any
better than that. To afraid to find anything better than
that or anything different.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Too afraid to find it, or afraid that you wouldn't.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Find it that I wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
And do you get that as long as you satisfied
his needs and denied your needs, that you were communicating
to him that this is okay, even though it wasn't okay.
By continuing to satisfy his physical needs and allow your
emotional needs to go unmet, you communicated to him, okay,
(15:07):
I'm just talking whatever. So you're speaking and your behavior
were incongruent. You were saying one thing and doing something else.
I'm just bringing this to your awareness because you said
you want to know so that next time you don't
do the same thing. So one of the things that
(15:28):
you have to do, which probably drives other people crazy
about you, is that you say one thing and do
something else. It's like, you know the boy who cried wolf.
This is not okay, this is not what I want,
this is not what I need. But I'm gonna give
you what you want, what you need and let my
needs go unmat Are are you in your forties or
(15:50):
headed there?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
I'm in my fifties.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Oh in your fifties. Oh so you denied all your forties. Yeah,
that's what's happening to you. The wise woman is waking up.
So you know you need a recent show that we
did called exit strategy. If you're done, to honor yourself,
(16:18):
you've got to have an exit strategy. You've got to
know when you're leaving, how you're leaving, where you're going,
is he leaving, how you're going to support just all
of that stuff. If you're done, that's where you need
to go. And part of the effort exit strategy is
communicating to him. You know he won't look you in
(16:40):
your eye. You need to look him in his eye
and say I'm done, I'm no longer willing to go unsatisfied.
Not You have to start, and you may have to
say it like Grandma said fifty eleven times, but you've
got to start communicating that so that when you make
your move, when you make your exit, whatever that looks like,
(17:03):
or you ask him to exit, or however you do it,
that it's you know that it's loving. Because here's the thing.
I want you to be real clear about this. You
cannot leave until you can stay. You cannot leave until
you can stay. Let me explain what that means. It
(17:25):
means if you're leaving in anger and upset and bitterness
or any of that. If you're leaving that way, you're
going to be ping ponging back and forth until you
can stay with him, knowing what you need and want
no longer making his needs more important than yours, until
(17:47):
you can stay and not be mad at him or
upset with him. You can't choose to leave. And the
only way you're going to leave and be gone is
if you make a choice. I'm done. I'm choosing to
leave now. I'm done. I can't take this no more.
I don't want this no more. I ain't doing this
no more. Uh huh. If you do that, you're gonna
(18:09):
ping pong back and forth. You go and come back,
or you go and you let him in. And you've
got to be able to stay. You've got to be
able to stay and not be angry, not be upset,
but make a self loving, self honoring, self supported choice
to be out of this relationship because it is not
(18:29):
satisfying to be out of this relationship, because you want
more intimacy, to be out of this relationship, because you
now recognize that you and he are incompatible. You may
have been compatible when you were not in touch with
your deeper self, but you are now moving into that
woman's cycle, that wise woman cycle, when you are in
(18:51):
touch with yourself and what looked like a chocolate Sunday
is now a soggy brownie. Yeah, you cannot leave until
you can stay, and until you can talk to him
and say what you need to say without any concern
about how he feels or what he's going to do
(19:12):
or what and untill you until you stop, you know,
giving up the who ha. He don't get no more
who ha, no more who ha for him. So just
don't beat yourself up. It's a natural, organic process. You know,
if you love him and he's willing to do the work,
things could shift tomorrow. And if he's not and you
(19:35):
recognize we're just in we are now incompatible you know
people being marriage just twenty twenty five, thirty years and
they break up and they think somebody did something wrong.
Sometimes you just grow apart and it's okay. That's why
it's good to stay until you can leave with no anger,
no bitterness, no upset. I'm just I'm choosing choosing something else.
(20:01):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
That makes sense? That makes sense. So there's been a
come of time where I'm going to sit in this
relationship and I can sit in and live with him.
And when I can live with him and not feel
(20:26):
as if I need to bolt, I can be in
that relationship. They'll lovingly be able to communicate and know
within myself it is time for me to leave. Then
I can leave, and in the meantime, no nookie for him.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
The reason I'm saying that is because you're sending a
mixed message. This is not okay, but it's okay. It's
not okay, but I accept it. It's not okay, but
I can do it. And what I'm hearing you say
is you're at the point where you no longer want
to do this. So vote for you. Vote for you. You
get one vote, it's for you, and he'll figure it
(21:07):
out or not or not. If the love is strong
and the foundation is solid, things will shift. Maybe you
all have to go to counseling or whatever, or you
may just really be done. But you got it. Sounds
like a plan to me.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Sounds like a plan to me too.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Well, thank you for calling. I wish you the best
of you are so welcome, I beloved, take good care.
I wonder how many people out there put up with
the thing that drives them crazy to the degree that
it just destroys the relationship, which just tears it down.
(21:51):
And sometimes the thing that drives you crazy really is
such a powerful learning tool for you. I mean why,
I'm not talking about farting, snoring, burping, I'm not talking
about that. But this situation that my last caller brings up,
(22:11):
that we will deny ourselves and put up with what
we don't want, what is not satisfying us, rather than
be alone or rather than ask for what we want.
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
(22:37):
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
I am a Yamla and today we are looking at
crazy making behavior. What isn't in your relationship that your
partner does or doesn't do that drives you crazy. We've
heard effective communication, we've heard a lack of heart centered intimacy,
(22:57):
but physical intimacy. And we've heard how the crazy making
behavior can really destroy a relationship. And the crazy making
behavior can also wake you up. Let's see what my
next caller has to say. Welcome to the ur spot.
We are talking today about crazy making behavior. What is
(23:21):
it that somebody you absolutely love does that drives you crazy?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
What is it, Yethano, miss one thing that drives me crazy?
About my husband? He sleeps with his belongings in the bed.
I mean, there's a phone, there's a laptop, and in
the morning, I'm waking up to an alarm clock that's
underneath my stomach because I rolled over on his cell phone.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Are you kidding me? He sleeps with electronics in the bed?
Speaker 5 (23:52):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (23:52):
What is he doing?
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Sometimes he falls asleep doing work. Sometimes he's just scrolling
and next thing you know, his phone is looking at him,
and so he kind of stays up later than me.
So I'm already asleep, But this is how I wake
up almost daily.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Oh yeah, my god. And what have you said to
him about it?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
I asked, why? But that has made me live with
some regrets. So what I just do now I don't
see anything. I just pick up the belongings in the
middle of the night, maybe on my way to the bathroom.
I'll come back and I notice that they're there, and
I'll just put them on his side of the room.
He has an entire desk right beside his bit. So
it's like, I don't know why you couldn't put those
(24:34):
things there, But.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
I got you.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Now, you do know that electromagnetic energy is not good
for either one of you. You do know that, right, Yes,
I do.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
And I've told him this and he's just like, well,
it's okay, and you know, just tries to make reasoning
as to why he continues to do this. But I know.
I teach our kids this, like it's very important that
you not fall asleep with your cell phone on your
chest or on your pillow too quick, see your brain,
it's very dangerous.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Well now not now you're willing to continue with this pattern?
Or are you thinking of ways you can disrupt, you know,
interrupt the pattern.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
See what I do with my kids. I walk around,
I collect I shut off the Wi Fi, and I
collect the devices at night. But I'm thinking of ways
that I can do that with my husband and not
treat him like one of the kids. Any suggestions, I'm
open for it, because you know I don't. I don't
want to get to the point where we're arguing about it.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
But it does make me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Well, I would if there was someplace else I could sleep,
I would sleep there. I guarantee you. The first time
you do it, he's gonna say, say, you know what,
I have read too many articles. I have seen too
many things that say that electromagnetic activity in your brain
when you're sleeping is not healthy. You don't have a breast,
(25:56):
I do. You don't have a wound? I do, I don't.
I don't want cancer. I don't want disease. So you
take your wife to bed, take at and t to
bed with you. I'm go and sleep on the sofa.
Now that's what I went to.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Absolutely, that's it. That is key. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yeah, because really it really isn't safe. It really isn't.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Oh man, I.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Would definitely take that into consituation. We're gonna have that
conversation tonight, because you know, you try not to be
so heavy and demanding, but I've been told that I
could possibly have been too demanding, but as long as
it's for the sake of the kids or anyone's health,
I'm willing to be that.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
So well, you don't want to start glowing green in
the dark and grow a penis out your ear because
your husband is sleeping with a phone.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
I don't have time for that, no, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
You don't have to be demanding about it, you know.
As a matter of fact, here's a possibility. Say you
know what's sweetie. I want you to be happy, and
sleeping with your electronics makes you happy. But sleeping with
your electronics has the potential to make me sick. So
since I want you to be happy, I'm going to
(27:14):
sleep on the sofa.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Night eloquently to the point. But sweet I love it,
I have to work on that.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
So just take yourself down to the sofa or the
basement or the guest room or wherever. Oh, he'll get clear.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Yeah, I have a pull out there right in my office,
so I'll sleep there and that'll shock them to the core.
That is it. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Okay, my darling, take good care.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Thank you so much for all you do.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
It's interesting you know how we can navigate these things,
because sometimes it's not just crazy making from a personal preference,
it's also crazy making because a person who's doing something,
either unconsciously or unwittingly, they may not even consider the
(28:07):
impact that it has on somebody else, you know. So
sometimes we're just not even conscious of how what we
do impacts another person. And if you don't say anything
about it, they will never know. And we'll talk about
that when we come back. Welcome back to the R
(28:36):
spot Crazy making Behavior. Let me see what my next
caller has to say. Greetings, and welcome to the our spot.
We are talking about what your partner or mother, or
kids or coworkers do that drive you crazy and how
you deal with it.
Speaker 4 (28:54):
I'm doing good, How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (28:56):
I am blessed? Thank you.
Speaker 4 (28:58):
Crazy making behavior Ready, it never fail every single time.
And the all effect he has to pee. I'm not
talking about like starting out. I'm talking about two seconds
before time that he has to stop and he has
(29:18):
to keep literally the past four years. And it's the
most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. And
I don't even know how to approach for to drive
you crazy, that's.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Me crazy that's one't for the books. I don't even know.
I don't even know what to tell you, because you
can't tell somebody you can't pee right now.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
He cannot. And it's actually to the point to where
like I can feel his brain and I say, you
have to be, don't you And then you have to
wait and he comes back and he's ready. But never
fail and it never and actually it probably is the
most guaranteed on the most exciting part of it. And
it's just I've be effect.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
And then.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're waiting. You're just like,
you know, like, what are you supposed to putting your thouars?
You know what I mean, Like, what are you supposed
to do?
Speaker 1 (30:11):
I wonder if it's a health thing. I wonder if
it's a physical thing where one thing is happening and
affects the bladder or I don't know, I've never heard
tell us such a thing.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, I never experienced this before.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
And then it's a whole another conversation. If that's a
whole other conversation. But you know, how do you even
approach something like that because you know it and it's
never failed, it never.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
But you know what, no really this sounds this sounds
like a health thing. Maybe you should invite him to
go see a urologist. You know, it might be a
health thing. I mean, you can approach it from that perspective.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
But he don't ever have bladder problems anytime else, Like
it's just this, Like it would be different. I guess
you know, we're driving and you can't hold your urine,
but it's always just in this. I don't know, girl,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
But but I'm saying it might be a physical thing.
But does he does he pee before? Can he pee before?
Speaker 4 (31:09):
Can he he does? I've tried that, you know, well
before he even get started. Why would you go relieve yourself?
This is not like thirsty p you know what I mean? Like,
this is not like you know you say in trouble.
I don't know what to say. And like I said,
it's a very sensive topic. But he drives me crazy,
he really does.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
I really think he should go see a urologist. He
really should him.
Speaker 4 (31:37):
How should I start that conversation, you know? And by
the way, I don't know I'm going to say something.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (31:42):
If he says something, you just suck it up. Granted
when you come back tip top ten. You know top ten,
he's a good man, Savannah for good god.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Well, you you got me stumped on this one. The
only thing I can say is get me to a urologist, really,
and and that's a real simple cause you know, it's
a real simple conversation, you know, babe. I'm really a
little concerned that every time we are being intimate that
your bladder becomes involved, that could be some something wrong
(32:15):
with your wiring. Have you thought about seeing the urologist
and maybe explain the situation.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
I will definitely it's been Like I said, I will
actually recommend that because it's been a tricky conversation, you know,
side that you know, is this normal? It's just it's
not without bringing up you know, past partners or fast
things like that. But yeah, it's mind blowing, like I said,
And it's always the most opportunity, you know, we wait
till we get some lettle nine and we want to
(32:44):
come back to too.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Oh my lord. But again, if you express it from
a place of concern, as a place of you know,
frustration or or angst or whatever, you know, I'm really
concerned about this. This doesn't feel right. That your bladder
becomes involved with our sexual encounters. Have you thought about
(33:07):
talking to a urologist?
Speaker 4 (33:09):
It's so bad, it's about just think it's you know,
in opportunity. What if it is something I never thought
about that ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
It sounds to me like something is miswired down there
because one thing ain't got nothing to do with the other.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
You know, And I honestly thought it. I don't know.
I don't know what I thought. Actually, I'm not a
lot of eaither and during that time, I'm thinking about myself,
So I don't know, I've never so, like I said,
the little you're not thinking about Ali, I'm not. I'm
thinking about me, like really this is really and so Yeah,
but and it's everything as outstanding, but it has to
(33:44):
be well.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
I I would let him know that I that you're
concerned about it. You know, you want him to be okay,
you don't want you know, maybe he has an enlarged prostate,
Maybe he has an enlarged bladder, maybe his wiring is
something but a euro If he explains the situation to
a urologist, I'm sure they could let him know and
(34:06):
even let now if it's normal. I don't know that's
just then you in trouble. Even say you know, I
was doing a little research and this doesn't seem to
be I don't want to say normal. This may be
something we should pay attention to because one thing shouldn't
(34:26):
have anything to do with the other. And you know,
it seems that every time, the more heated it becomes,
your bladder wants to relieve itself. There may be something
wrong in the wiring.
Speaker 4 (34:39):
Yeah, and I feel so bad now because I'm definitely
I've been workings, but that what you're saying with it,
like really really.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Really yeah, I would really want to encourage you have
have it checked out the most.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
It may be a health concern because again, one thing
has nothing to do with the others. So I don't know, well,
who knew? Who knew? Well, have the conversation, Okay, all right,
thank you? Wow, I tell you who knew? A fun
(35:21):
lighthearted look and crazy making behavior bump into so many things.
And it also speaks to how in relationships, when we
love someone or when we care about someone, the things
that we will accommodate or even overlook that could have
(35:42):
a much deeper meaning simply because we don't want to
upset or disturb the other person. Let me see what
my next caller has to say. Welcome to the our spot.
We are talking today about what is it that somebody
does that makes you absolutely crazy, crazy making behavior? What
(36:06):
is it?
Speaker 5 (36:06):
I would like to complain about how messy my husband
is and he's a freaking tornado, a category five in
my house.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Oh dude, let's gossip about him. What does he do?
Speaker 5 (36:19):
I had my bathroom done beautifully, like every touch was mine.
I love everything, even says the decal get naked. But
my husband loves taking a bath, and I got a
beautiful stand alone tub, and he lives in there. When
I tell you he lives in there, I can't even
have my friends or my guests that come over go
in without me checking because he does a couple things
(36:41):
in there, such as nothing too bad.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Trust me.
Speaker 5 (36:44):
He enjoys his quote flowers so the tar can get
a little bit all over, and his toilet habit. I mean,
every man should clean up and three human should clean
up after themselves. But that's something that he just just
refuses to do. So you know that's yeah, it's it's bad.
I mean I have a friend that I love sometimes
(37:06):
that passes by and needs to use the bathrooms because
it's like a midway point and she knows who she is,
but she'll just say, you know, I'm coming in hot.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
I'm like, okay, I.
Speaker 5 (37:16):
Hope that bathroom's clean, and he'll go in and take
five minutes and clean up. And that is, without an exaggeration,
that is hands down, probably my biggest thing that I
do in every project he starts, he leaves a complete
mess and doesn't know how to put anything away.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
So that, oh my god, listen, that one would drive
me crazy. Oh my god, leave the tools all over
the place, the thing's incomplete. Oh my god. I'm with
you on that one. I am absolutely with you on
that one. And what do you do?
Speaker 6 (37:50):
Do you?
Speaker 5 (37:51):
I do a gentle reminders while I'm walking by, Like
he loves to clean the floor because we have four dogs,
so it could get a little bit crazy in here.
So he is kind of to clean the floor.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
That's the one thing.
Speaker 5 (38:01):
But putting stuff away is my problem. Now. Kindly remind him,
don't forget to put that away when you're done, and
he will glare at me. No way that he already
knows that, and I shouldn't have to remind him. Yet
five hours later, as I still go up and sitting
in the middle of room living room floor, I'm like, Okay,
I'm just gonna do it. He's like, what I wasn't done?
Like you were done five hours ago? Do you have
more to do that I'm not aware of. This is
(38:23):
the same conversation that we hold probably at least once
a week, and then I.
Speaker 4 (38:27):
Put it away.
Speaker 5 (38:27):
He gets upset with me because I'm putting it away
because he told me he was not done with it.
Speaker 3 (38:31):
Was just not true.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Yeah, that's that's that's one that when you have a
clutterbug or you have a mess a messaholic and a
neat freak. Oh baby, that is a problem right there.
Speaker 5 (38:45):
Well, I much for a compromising.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
I don't even know what to tell you. Do you
think he's conscious of it or does he just do it?
You know, to get on your nerves. You think he's
conscious that he's a mess a mesaholic.
Speaker 5 (39:00):
I know he's quite aware he's messy, and he does
try so God, yes, he does certainly try on certain days.
But it's the bigger projects where I'm like, can I
help you or I'll put things away. I know where
they go, it's like no, no, no, I got it.
Speaker 4 (39:13):
Don't touch anything, okay, got it.
Speaker 3 (39:14):
Fine, But he is conscious about it.
Speaker 5 (39:18):
But then there's that scatterbrain thing like ooh, squirrel, let
me go do something else really quick while I'm doing this,
And then three other smaller projects. So then there's a trail,
which is why I call him my tornado category five.
You know. So I know that's who he's trying to be,
but it's just not truly conscious being in the moment
(39:39):
to just put things away before you start something else.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Well, it may drive you crazy, but it doesn't sound
like it's going to end the marriage.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
No, no, no no.
Speaker 5 (39:47):
But it's fun to just kind of, you know, be
able to opportunity to complain with you and also just
you know, let my frustrations out to the planet.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Yeah yeah, I know you got to that sometimes, and
you know, God bless you. I do know that one
at all. Any mother with a child knows that, and
any woman with a mesaholic as a partner absolutely knows that. Now,
if you were to come in my closet, you may
name me a messaholic, but I know where everything is
(40:19):
that drives people for crazy. I can tell you where
to go in the pile of crazy to get something,
and you know I don't bother me, so I understand.
Speaker 5 (40:31):
Well, you have a door that kind of neatly covers
the peutifl that you can and I can't really door
up the living room.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
No you cannot. No you can't, or the dogs or
the dogs, or the bathtob or the bathtub. Okay, well,
I'll as they say, I will keep you in my prayers.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
I appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
You have a great week, ad you too, my love.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
Bye bye. Yeah, that's a big one. A neat freak
and a that's aholic, that is that's one that I
don't even know how you navigate that and you just
learn how to live with it. But everybody has something
that they do that drives somebody else crazy. So I
(41:18):
would say, when someone is driving you crazy with their behavior,
ask yourself, Okay, what do I do that makes somebody
else crazy? Because if it's in the chair, it's in
the room. So you're driving somebody's driving you crazy. Trust me,
you two are driving somebody crazy. But what gets us
(41:38):
through those things is the love is the love. If
the foundation is solid and the love is present, we
will accommodate that crazy making behavior. Now, there does come
a point when you need to say something about it,
and say it with love, not making the other person wrong,
but just raising your con concerns, raising a possibility for
(42:03):
some change, maybe asking how can I support you in
doing this differently? And if there's something you need, be
sure to ask for what you want. I hope you
have enjoyed this episode of The R Spot. I hope
you've heard something today that you can use to make
your relationships better. We'll be back, but in the meantime,
(42:27):
stay in peace and not in pieces.
Speaker 6 (42:31):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com