June 12, 2024 • 43 mins
Iyanla is asking callers to take another look at their relationship with dating and posing the question: How do we define dating? What are the conversations we should be having dating? Our first caller is a young woman who expects to meet a man who is making six figures, who is well traveled and mature, but is having a hard time finding someone living up to her standards. Iyanla then has on Zakiya Fatin the author of What's Real, What's Not, and Somewhere In-Between, and together they discuss the do's, don'ts and oh no they didn'ts mentioned in her book.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for some and a soft place to fall for others.
I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I
love myself enough to be able to share my love
with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production
of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome everybody. I
(00:36):
am Yamla and this is the Our Spot, the place
we come to talk about relationships, to examine relationships, challenges, issues, blessings.
The place we come to learn the principles, the practices,
the behaviors that will make our relationships more lasting, more fulfilling.
(00:58):
We look at our relationship with everything, with ourselves, with money,
with other people, and today we're looking at the dues
and don'ts of relationships, the dues and don'ts of dating.
We have what do you do? What don't you do?
And oh my god, no they didn't. Ah, But I
(01:19):
seem to have the impression that people are meeting, they're
having sex and they don't even know each other. Is
that part of dating? And if you're going out with
someone and they're moving a little faster than you or
slower than you would like, how do you have those
(01:40):
conversations we're talking about dating? Does every date have to
lead to marriage? Does every date have to end with
you a good time and a role in the Hey,
I just I don't know anymore, and I don't think
I'm alone, okay, Because what are the questions that you
(02:01):
should ask on the first date, the second date, the
third date. What are the things that you need to
know so that you're not three months in or six
months in to find out that the person you're with
as a house full of kids, or an ex wife,
or lives with their mother in the basement. I mean,
(02:21):
what do you do? How do you ask? What is
the dating protocol in the twenty first century? Because people
seem to be struggling. And I have a very special
guest today, someone I know in love who's created for me,
I think, which is a beautiful little handbook, particularly for women.
(02:42):
But the title of the book what's real, What's not?
And somewhere in between his actions will tell you everything.
She's going to be my guest today, and we're going
to talk about some of the things that we as
women miss, some of the things that we as women
need to do, some of the things that we as
women forget to do anyway, I've got a caller who's
(03:05):
got a dating do a dating don't and oh my god,
know they didn't. We're going to talk about that. Welcome
to the R spot. Belve it. Today we are talking
about dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god, no
they didn't. And I'm sure you have a story for us.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Yes. So, I'm a woman in my early twenties that's
well educated, quite established, and well traveled. However, when I
initially entered adulthood and I began dating around the age
of about twenty, I started to realize that I'm probably
not going to meet the man I'm expecting to meet.
My standards at the time was that he needed to
(03:49):
make at least middle to high six figures, be well educated,
and had be well traveled, and have no children. As
time went along, I never mist this mean once again.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Well, okay, let's define dating because you've got a lot
of not just standards, but expectations. So when you talk
about dating, what is your intention for dating?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
When I think about dating, I think about someone that's
interested in going in the adventures of life and just
having fun until maybe it blossoms into something more and
it becomes exclusive.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Okay, So can you have an invention with a man
who doesn't make six figures? No? Why?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I believe that there are certain things and a certain
quality of experience I want to have, and so as
a result, I don't think that a man in a
text break at be needs mind, will understand or be
able to provide those experiences they meet what I'm already
(05:02):
providing for myself.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But you're talking about dating, not about getting married by
in a house. We're talking about dating. Dating is a
process of meeting people, sharing experiences, sharing thoughts. You're already
limiting him to his salary and you may be missing
a lot of good folks because they don't tick the
(05:27):
boxes on your expectation sheet. You can have an adventure
with a man who drives a bus. I don't know
if this is a dating do or a dating don't,
because I find a distinction in a dating dating and
seeking a partner. Now, dating can lead to finding a partner,
(05:51):
but dating, to me is just for the fun of it,
just for the experience of it. You meet nice, great
people and you get to choose Because what it sounds
like to me is that you're dating criteria. You're not
dating people, you're dating their salary, whether their world travel.
I mean, a young man in your age, even if
(06:13):
he's up to thirty, if he's gone to school and
if he's working, he's building his career. He may have
not had time to travel around the world. If he's
building his career, he may be moving up the ladder.
And maybe you move faster than he did. Doesn't mean
he won't get up the ladder. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It does usually on average, I don't have much interest
in men that are in my age category, just due
to maturity and experience, wanting them to power he has
certain experience.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Okay, so you date older I prefer to, which is fine.
But again, are you dating or are you looking for
a partner? But dating is really about to see if
you're compatible. But if you're hinging that on his salary
and his travel experience, you might be missing a lot
of things.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
No, that's a valid point. It could definitely be that
I go into dating trying to see, okay, is it
worth my time immediately, not really giving people a chance
to prove themselves or prove I believe, improve yourself worthy.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Wow, prove yourself worthy twenty four and you want someone
to prove their worth to you, and you're basing your
worth fully on your education, your salary, and your travel experience. Wow,
which is fine. You know, for me, it's very educational
(07:51):
because you're the New World woman and you're measuring worth
and value based on paper and experience, not on heart
and soul. Let me tell you a funny story. This
is many, many years ago, because I got shoes older
than you. But you know, so I met this man
(08:16):
and he came for us to go out, and I'm
assuming that he had a car and he didn't. So
we get downstairs outside my house and he says, the
bus will be here in about ten minutes. We need
(08:37):
to get over. I said the bus. He said, yeah,
I don't have a car. I said, oh okay. So anyway,
we go to the corner. I'm just trying to get
my brain organized here that I'm going on a date
on the bus. But I was in New York City,
so many many people didn't have cars. You don't need
a car in New York City. So we yet we
(09:00):
walked to the bus stop and we just start talking.
I'm trying to be nice and you know, just get
my brain together. We get on the bus, very nice.
He paid the bus fare and we sit down, we're talking.
We get off. He says, come on, we're gonna get
off here. We get off and we took another bus
and I said, okay, where are we going? He said,
(09:22):
I wanted to be a surprise. I said, okay. So
we get on the bus and we drive out, and
we drive out to Rockaway where the Rockaway Shore is,
and we get off and we walk in and there
was a restaurant on the on the I guess the
pier you would call it. And he had set up
(09:45):
a table by the window and we sat there. We
had the loveliest dinner and the best conversation and it
was just really really sweet and I would we have
never thought that somebody who rides the bus could take
(10:06):
me on a great date. And when we finished, he
called a cab and he took me home. Now I
never saw him again because apparently I didn't meet his criteria. Okay,
but it was a lovely, lovely evening. It was a date.
(10:29):
I wasn't trying to, you know, build a family in
the home. I didn't want to order the wedding invitations.
It was a date, and it was lovely. And what
I got out of that is how it feels for
a man to treat you well even though he didn't
have a car. But how would you feel about a
(10:51):
man who shows up and takes you on a date
on the bus. And we'll talk about that when we
come back. Welcome back to the r spot. You probably
wouldn't go.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
I would not. I'm in Dallas. In my mind, that's
a part of being established. When you're not financially stable
and well, you should not date. Dating calls dating is
an expense.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
He was established. And when I learned that the dinner
was that his sister died in a tragic car accident
and he had a driving phobia. But I would have
never learned that had I not gotten on that bus.
A lot of things look good on the outside, but
they're not good on the inside.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
I hear you.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
I'd rather have a good inside and an outside that
can be cleaned up than a great outside and a
foul inside. And who's to say that a man who
has a good an expensive car, and a good job
doesn't have a cracked heart? Which would you rather have?
Speaker 2 (12:08):
I would rather have good insights versus the ESTHETI but
your manipulity and a narcissis.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Don't miss an opportunity to know who somebody is before
you evaluate their circumstances. Date the person, not the criteria.
I don't know if you heard about it, but a
couple of months ago it was a big hooplah with
(12:40):
me and someone when I asked her, would you date
a bus driver? Did you hear about that?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
I did hear about that. I would not date a
bus driver, I said, would you date?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Really?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I would not? Wow? Tell me why I would not
date a bus driver for the fact that the lifestyles
don't align. There's no way that a bus driver's lifestyle
is going to align with mine, and I like to
(13:16):
enjoy the fruit.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
What about if he's driving the bus in the day
and going to law school at night.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
What about that I'm not looking for a man that's
in process.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
At twenty four. Well, that's true because you said you're
layed older. Okay, yeah, because a twenty four to maybe
twenty nine thirty year old man, he may be in process.
And you know, what if that's your standard and if
you're comfortable with that. But I I also see you
say not going to meet the man I expect. So
(13:56):
a you want to shift that because you have a
different age criteria and a thirty one, thirty two, thirty
three year old man can be a doctor, can be
a lawyer, can have his own business. Hell, there's some
twenty five year old man out there making millions on YouTube,
but he may not have all the other bells and
(14:18):
whistles that you desire.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, I've in any experience younger man's just are not
they're not.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
I want to talk to you when you're thirty, okay,
because there are out there God didn't make God didn't
make one of anything. So there's a young man out
there your age who's done exactly what you've done. He's traveled,
he's done his education, he's making a decent salary. He
(14:54):
may not be black. Are you open to that?
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Uh huh, that's a shaky ground.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
It is to ask me to be open to the
idea of dating someone who's not black. I don't know
if I can do it.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Okay. See, I come from the school where and again
I know you are a new age woman. I appreciate that,
and I want you to get it exactly as you
want it because I believe you can have it all.
I really do. I just also know from experience that
(15:42):
when you put the physical and the shiny objects above
the foundation, the heart and soul, nine times out of ten,
it's not going to turn out well for you. Nine
times out of ten it's not. So here's another dating
(16:06):
do for you. Okay, since we're talking dating dus and don't. Okay,
keep doing it your way and continue to observe. Yeah,
and see how it works. And if it's not working,
do be willing to shift, Do be willing to change,
(16:30):
Do be willing to look at something different. But that
probably for you won't happen until you're around twenty seven
to twenty eight when you say, oh damn, this ain't working,
or you'll because your head and your heart are in
alignment and this is what you want, it may work.
So just keep doing it your way. I'm not trying
(16:52):
to talk you out of your way. I just want
to give you some other things to think about. So
do have your standards. Yeah, do have a clear vision
and observe, and do be willing to date a person
not a paycheck. Please, just do be willing to do that,
even if it's a bus driver. Yes, and you're not
(17:18):
doing anything wrong. The question is is it working? That's
the question. Okay, okay, thank you, thank you, my love,
thank you, good luck to you. There really is a
(17:42):
difference in the world, and I'm not really sure I
know what it is. This is a beautiful, powerful young
woman who has some real clear criteria or standards of
what it is that she wants. I'm just not sure
that if that's the only thing she uses as her
(18:05):
dating criteria, dating adventure, fun having, I really want to
encourage us to look at the inside. Also in addition
to the outside. Welcome back to the art spot. We're
(18:29):
looking today at dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god,
no they didn't. My next guest has written a lovely
little book. It's just lovely. I just find it so exciting.
What's real, what's not? And somewhere in between his actions
(18:55):
will tell you everything. That's the title of the book.
She says here, you should not be in a relationship
and still feel alone. He is not present and neither
are you get clear about why. And I'm just wondering
(19:16):
how many of us date someone who checks all the boxes,
fits all the criteria. But there's something missing, but will
stay because the boxes are checked. My guest is Zakiah Fatig,
and I want to talk to her about some dating
deus and don'ts and how it aligns with what she's
(19:40):
offering us in the book. Zakiah, Welcome to the R Spot.
I just want to start here, which has so much
to do with what we're talking about today, dating dus,
dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. You
have looking for more. He's giving you what he wants
(20:05):
to give. You can accept that or not. You get
to choose what's best for you. Don't hurt yourself trying
to fit in somewhere, you don't be long. But what
happens if he meets all your standards, all your little boxes,
(20:27):
and you still want more and you're not getting it?
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Then?
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Welcome to the art Spot, Psakiah.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Thank you, thank you for having me. What do you
do then when he checks all the boxes and you're
still looking for more and he's not giving it to you?
So you have to decide what is important, what your
values are and what you need to be able to
be in a sustaining, healthy relationship. And so if he
(20:54):
is not giving you what you need.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
You have to choose you.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
So often we don't, you know, we make a commitment
and we forget that we have a choice.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
You say, here, be his friend first. Yeah, and he'll
appreciate and understand the lover in you much more.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
So I wonder if she can, if young women today
can be friends with men who are in process as
opposed to men who've already arrived.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
I think one of the things that we run into
is that we want it now. It has to be,
you know, we want the man now, that no one
wants to take the time to get to know someone,
and people forget that we're still always learning ourselves, We're
still always evolving, and so the standards and the values
that you set a year ago may shift within six
(21:53):
months or the next year based on your life experiences.
And if you don't have a friendship place, then how
do you communicate or share with that person I've elevated
or I've shifted and trust that they will shift, elevate or.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
Meet you you know where you are.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
If there's no friendship, if there's no understanding of who
the other person is, I think we get caught up
in you know what I used to call in my
younger years, the girl boy stuff, you know, the honeymoon phase,
the you know, I'm head over hills and all googly eyed.
He makes me feel this or he makes me feel that.
(22:33):
But when that is gone and there's no friendship, what
do you have left to sustain the relationship with when
you've not gotten to know the person, when everything has
been surface level? How you make me feel in the moment,
how you showed up in the moment.
Speaker 4 (22:50):
But what motivates or inspires you? What are your values?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
You know?
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Do you honor your mother? Do you take care of
your children? How do you respect when you are financially stable?
How do you respond when things do not work out
according to your plan? And can I line up with that?
How can I support you? Am I willing to support you?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
But in terms of dating, because we're looking at dating dues,
dating don'ts I think he should have standards and she
should have standards. So a dating do is have standards?
Maybe it's the definition of standards in what's real, what's not?
And somewhere in between. You say this, he will want
(23:35):
you to have high standards about yourself, to dress a
certain way and represent him well. Meanwhile, he's out there
cheating with a woman who has no standards, no self
respects respect, and doesn't know her worth. This may make
you feel inadequate and not enough, but you are enough
(23:56):
and you deserve more. So let's look at dating for
a moment. How do you develop them? How do you
create them? And again, because I think in today's world
it's very different for young women who've finished college who
walk into, you know, a corporate or executive position, how
(24:19):
do you set standards for who you want to date
if they have no standards or if you have, you know,
low standards, how do you do that?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Well, the thing is looking at where the standards do
or don't come from. So your last caller, she was
twenty four years old, and so you have some people
who set standards based on their experiences. Well, she may
have not had minny, but she may have had a
father and a mother who were married and together, and
she may be basing her standards off of how the
(24:52):
father treated the mother or how the father treated her
as she grew up. So that may be something that
she's basing the standards on, in addition to what she
has learned or grown to like as a young adult,
and so you know, the standards may be based off
of that. But for someone such as myself, for one
(25:12):
who has gone through many experiences, the standards are based
on the things that you've learned throughout your dating experiences,
your marriage experiences, and just the wisdom of being an adult.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
So is it correct to say that a standard is
what you preferred to experience because I see it working
the other way too. When a lot of people I
talk to, they have low standards or no standards. They
go into a dating situation and they just accept whatever
shows up, and then two years later they're complaining about it.
(25:50):
Now that they've got a kid in a half, you
know they're complaining about it. So a dating do is
have preferences based on who you are, not based on
what you've seen or what you make up. Would you
say that's that's accurate, that your standard is your preference.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Yeah, Pence, I think you know what most people are
forgetting is what they value, because the value is really
what you're wanting.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
Because he can have all the money in.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
The world, but if he if you, if you value family,
if you value quality time, but he's out here chasing
a dollar, then are you really fulfilled in that relationship.
Are you really getting what you desire?
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You know?
Speaker 3 (26:38):
I think for dating, you really have to be willing
to use dating as practice, get clear about what you
want to really exercise asking for what you want, being
willing to remove yourself if it's not what you want,
if it doesn't align with your standards or your values.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
And I think again.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
It goes back to people want a relationship now, but
they're not willing to put in the work for what
sustains the relationship. You know, they want to call someone,
they want to be exclusive right away, but you're exclusive
with someone that you haven't taken the time to know
or become.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
Friends with it.
Speaker 3 (27:21):
So I think the relationship piece is about practicing.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Dating dating things.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
Yes, the dating is about practicing what you do want
and what you don't want.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
And dating can have standards, not demands. I think that
you know, we make up. I want him to be
you know, six ' to two. I wanted to be single,
I wanted to be this that, blah blah blah. Those
are standings for me. A demand is he's got to
be able. Well, what my guests said, he's got to
(27:52):
be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which
I am accustomed as opposed to. If dating is grown
going into commitment, then that standard could become a demand,
and I don't think demands work.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Well.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
You know, if we're going out, it would be nice
for you to pay all the time, but I'm not
going to demand that you do. Is it a dating
don't for a man to say I paid the last
three times? Can you pay this time? Is that a
don't for most women?
Speaker 4 (28:29):
Yes, it is a don't.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I personally why I personally would want a man to
allow me to offer versus suggesting that I should pay. Yeah,
So I think the approach, the approach is important. Okay,
so I you know I think that that is you know,
I paid the last bill, you should pay this one.
(28:53):
You know that that could be a turnoff. It would
be a good turnoff for me. Okay, but I'm not
unwilling to pay the bill.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Ok got it.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Here's another thing about dating that I'm just wondering. And
you address this and what's real and what's not. I'm
wondering in dating, just the dating and then growing into relationships,
do we make other people responsible for our happiness and
(29:28):
the fulfillment of our dreams. Yes, I wonder if that's
you know, a dating don't don't make because see, I
can be happy if you can't pay for my nails,
or if you don't pay for our trip to Paris,
I can be happy. I'd like you to pay for it.
(29:49):
I'd like you to suggest it and recommend it. But
we're dating, and even when we get deeper into the relationship,
I know you. I know that you're paying off your
school loan. I know that you're helping your sister raise
her kids after her divorce. So you may have those
responsibilities and not be able to pay for us to
(30:11):
go to Paris. Do I dump you because you can't
pay for us to go to Paris and that's going
to make me happy?
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Well, it's not his jobs to make you happy. His
job is to thank you to your happiness. The happiness
is your work. It's your job because if you are
depending on him to make you happy, that means that
he gets to dictate how you feel.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Here's something else, and this is about dating. He may
still be searching for what he wants and needs in
(30:58):
and from a woman. If he's not committing, he's clear
that it's not you. Now for me, that's a dating situation.
But when should he commit? Y'all have had four dates.
Maybe it's over the course of you know, three four weeks.
Is he supposed to commit then? Or are you still
(31:21):
learning each other? Are you still growing?
Speaker 3 (31:23):
I believe you're still learning and growing. I mean you've
had I mean you hear these stories of people who
have dated for a week and go off and get
married and then they're together for years. You know. They
say when a man knows, he knows, and I think
the same is true for a woman. You know, there
are these instances where you meet someone and you just know.
But if they have had experiences of misjudging in the past,
(31:49):
or if they are still getting clear about what they want,
what they desire, what they need, then until they're clear,
no commitment should be made. There can be agreements, but
no commitment should be made.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
See that's why I stay home because this boggles my brain.
I just I can't even I'm like, you're human, I'm human,
you like me, I like you. What are we working towards?
Speaker 2 (32:14):
Well?
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Because you have people who are dating to marry, you know,
dating to get married, dating to have a lifelong partner,
and then you have people who just want to date
who are not interested in a long term relationship. So
I think that it's very important to get clear about
who you're dating and what their intentions are and what
(32:35):
it is that they're wanting.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Okay, so that's a dating Do be clear about why
you're dating, and if you're dating to find a partner,
then have standards not demands. That's a dating do would
you say that, yes, be clear about who you're dating,
get to know the person, and don't just check your
(32:57):
boxes off and dismiss them. Because I hear this a lot.
I don't want to waste my time.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah, And I said to look at dating as practice,
because it's never a waste of time. We have these standards,
or we have all these things that we want in
the relationship, and we base those things off of what
we've been through in previous relationships or experiences. But just
because you're wanting a thing doesn't mean that you know
(33:25):
what to do or you'll know what to do with
it when you get it.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
You say in what's real what's not? If he's not
for you. You will know it, just don't act like
you don't know it when it becomes clear. So if
you're dating, don't continue to date. If you're clear this
is not the person for you. Would that be a
(33:49):
dating don't?
Speaker 4 (33:51):
That is a dating don't.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Okay, But I.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Found this other one that we talked about earlier about
it spoke about it being his job to make you happy.
It says it's not his job to save you, fix you,
or make right all the hurt, disappointment, and pain another
man has caused you. That is your work and your job.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
He can well, let's flip it. Wait a minute, let's
flip it. Okay, So it's not your job to you know,
his job to save you, and flip it. It's not
your job to save him.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
You know.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
The book was written from my perspective as a woman,
but it is for everyone, you know, the male to female,
the female to male, the male to male, female to female.
You know, it is not our job to save or
fix anyone. It is our job to do our work.
It is our job to do our healing. Now, your
(34:50):
partner or the person you're dating can support you in
the process, but we have to stop asking people to
do what's impossible and do for ourselves what we are
expecting someone else to do.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
So here's a dating do do your own personal work
and don't make the other person responsible for it. So
that's a do and a don't combine. Do your personal
work and don't date. Don't date to fill a void.
Date with a clear vision of what my guest said
(35:23):
the interested in adventure, dating to have fun, dating to practice,
dating to meet new people, dating to explore possibilities. These
are all for me dating dues and looking at what's
real and what's not. If you see red flags, pay
attention to them. If you're not getting what you want,
(35:47):
pay attention to it. But also be spontaneous. Be spontaneous
and be willing to go in a direction that you
didn't think of or that you didn't know was possible.
For me, is a dating do. Remember you're healing, they're healing.
We all have, you know, relationship nightmares. But just be
(36:09):
willing to meet the person and not the boxes on
your piece of paper.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Yes, and you know, have your standards in place, make
a list your deal breakers. You know the things that
you want and desire. You know you can have those things,
you have to first bet them if you're looking for
a long term relationship or working towards being them.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
So don't date with the expectation of permanency. Do date
with an open mind, Do date with a vision, but
not a requirement. Because I think people can date for
three four months and immediately think that has to become
a commitment. I don't think that that's always a good
(36:57):
way to go.
Speaker 3 (36:57):
I would offer to have fun in the process of dating.
Practice you know, practice the things that you didn't do
in your previous relationships, having a strong yes, having a
strong note, being vulnerable, you know and knowe that just
because you met someone doesn't mean that they have to
be the one.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
And the other thing I want to say is, let's
call a thing a thing. Okay, if you're dating to
meet somebody, date to meet somebody. If you're dating because
you're interested in the possibility of a long term relationship,
be clear about that. If you're dating to get laid,
don't think that getting laid is going to turn into
a permanent relationship just because y'all had sex. That's a
(37:41):
no note for me. That's why I said, be clear
about why you're dating. Be clear about who you're dating.
For me, dating is like touch driving a car. I
like this, I like that. You know I don't like that,
So let me go back to my original list.
Speaker 4 (38:04):
Okay, know that upgrades are possible.
Speaker 3 (38:07):
You know in your car, you know, you see what
you like, you see what you want, and it may
be missing a thing or two.
Speaker 4 (38:12):
You can upgrade, You can ask for what you want.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, sometimes you think he's the one because of how
you feel when you're with him or her, and because
of the strong desire you have to be with him.
When you're not the one, Patience is required, be present,
let things flow, and let go of your need to
(38:39):
control the pace and the process of the experience. What's real,
what's not, and somewhere in between his actions or her
actions will tell you everything. Thank you, Zakiah for these
really great dating dues, dating notes, and some of the
(39:01):
things we can experience along the way. Thanks so much.
Speaker 4 (39:07):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Mm hmm listen. Are the seats comfortable? Do you like
the way it looks? Will it fit your lifestyle? Can
you afford it? Those are the things that you would
ask yourself about a car. Ask the same things about
the people that you're dating before you expect it to
(39:39):
turn into a long term experience or relationship. But it's dating,
it's an adventure. It's temporary until the time or the
moment comes when you're ready to shift. And then in
that moment, have the conversation. And don't just walk around
(40:02):
with expectations that because you'll have been going out for two, three, four, five,
six months, that is shifting into something else. Don't wait
for a year waiting for the person to commit to
you and you haven't asked the question, Okay, what are
we doing here? Are we gonna make this long term?
Are we making this monogamous? Are we committed? And depending
(40:27):
upon what you get from that conversation, then you make
your determination. The other person is not responsible for your happiness.
Do have your standards or your preferences. Make it a preference,
not a demand. Don't settle for something you don't want,
(40:49):
but be sure you're wanting it because that's your preference,
not because you expect the other person or value the
other person or me the other person based on their
ability and capacity to meet your standards. I want to
know if you have a vision for you, not for me.
(41:12):
Do you have a vision for yourself. Does your life
have value and meaning? Before I get to how much
you're earning and what you can do for or give
to me, I want to know how you're being with yourself.
And dating is complicated, it really really is. But the
(41:33):
clearer we are about who we are and what we want,
what we desire, the easier it will be to spot it,
receive it, or create it on a date. Dating dus,
dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. I
(41:55):
hope you've heard something today that you can use in
your dating life and your world or wherever it is
that you are. Boy. I just I want us to
continue to grow and talk, and I'm really gonna have
that conversation. I want men to hear women. I want
women to hear men, and then I want them to
talk to each other so we can get this dating
(42:17):
party back on track. Thanks for tuning in. I'll be
back next week. In the meantime, stay in peace and
not in pieces. By bye. The R Spot is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
(42:42):
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite show
I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for some and a soft place to fall for others.
I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I
love myself enough to be able to share my love
with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production
of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome everybody. I
(00:36):
am Yamla and this is the Our Spot, the place
we come to talk about relationships, to examine relationships, challenges, issues, blessings.
The place we come to learn the principles, the practices,
the behaviors that will make our relationships more lasting, more fulfilling.
(00:58):
We look at our relationship with everything, with ourselves, with money,
with other people, and today we're looking at the dues
and don'ts of relationships, the dues and don'ts of dating.
We have what do you do? What don't you do?
And oh my god, no they didn't. Ah, But I
(01:19):
seem to have the impression that people are meeting, they're
having sex and they don't even know each other. Is
that part of dating? And if you're going out with
someone and they're moving a little faster than you or
slower than you would like, how do you have those
(01:40):
conversations we're talking about dating? Does every date have to
lead to marriage? Does every date have to end with
you a good time and a role in the Hey,
I just I don't know anymore, and I don't think
I'm alone, okay, Because what are the questions that you
(02:01):
should ask on the first date, the second date, the
third date. What are the things that you need to
know so that you're not three months in or six
months in to find out that the person you're with
as a house full of kids, or an ex wife,
or lives with their mother in the basement. I mean,
(02:21):
what do you do? How do you ask? What is
the dating protocol in the twenty first century? Because people
seem to be struggling. And I have a very special
guest today, someone I know in love who's created for me,
I think, which is a beautiful little handbook, particularly for women.
(02:42):
But the title of the book what's real, What's not?
And somewhere in between his actions will tell you everything.
She's going to be my guest today, and we're going
to talk about some of the things that we as
women miss, some of the things that we as women
need to do, some of the things that we as
women forget to do anyway, I've got a caller who's
(03:05):
got a dating do a dating don't and oh my god,
know they didn't. We're going to talk about that. Welcome
to the R spot. Belve it. Today we are talking
about dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god, no
they didn't. And I'm sure you have a story for us.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Yes. So, I'm a woman in my early twenties that's
well educated, quite established, and well traveled. However, when I
initially entered adulthood and I began dating around the age
of about twenty, I started to realize that I'm probably
not going to meet the man I'm expecting to meet.
My standards at the time was that he needed to
(03:49):
make at least middle to high six figures, be well educated,
and had be well traveled, and have no children. As
time went along, I never mist this mean once again.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Well, okay, let's define dating because you've got a lot
of not just standards, but expectations. So when you talk
about dating, what is your intention for dating?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
When I think about dating, I think about someone that's
interested in going in the adventures of life and just
having fun until maybe it blossoms into something more and
it becomes exclusive.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Okay, So can you have an invention with a man
who doesn't make six figures? No? Why?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I believe that there are certain things and a certain
quality of experience I want to have, and so as
a result, I don't think that a man in a
text break at be needs mind, will understand or be
able to provide those experiences they meet what I'm already
(05:02):
providing for myself.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But you're talking about dating, not about getting married by
in a house. We're talking about dating. Dating is a
process of meeting people, sharing experiences, sharing thoughts. You're already
limiting him to his salary and you may be missing
a lot of good folks because they don't tick the
(05:27):
boxes on your expectation sheet. You can have an adventure
with a man who drives a bus. I don't know
if this is a dating do or a dating don't,
because I find a distinction in a dating dating and
seeking a partner. Now, dating can lead to finding a partner,
(05:51):
but dating, to me is just for the fun of it,
just for the experience of it. You meet nice, great
people and you get to choose Because what it sounds
like to me is that you're dating criteria. You're not
dating people, you're dating their salary, whether their world travel.
I mean, a young man in your age, even if
(06:13):
he's up to thirty, if he's gone to school and
if he's working, he's building his career. He may have
not had time to travel around the world. If he's
building his career, he may be moving up the ladder.
And maybe you move faster than he did. Doesn't mean
he won't get up the ladder. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It does usually on average, I don't have much interest
in men that are in my age category, just due
to maturity and experience, wanting them to power he has
certain experience.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Okay, so you date older I prefer to, which is fine.
But again, are you dating or are you looking for
a partner? But dating is really about to see if
you're compatible. But if you're hinging that on his salary
and his travel experience, you might be missing a lot
of things.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
No, that's a valid point. It could definitely be that
I go into dating trying to see, okay, is it
worth my time immediately, not really giving people a chance
to prove themselves or prove I believe, improve yourself worthy.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Wow, prove yourself worthy twenty four and you want someone
to prove their worth to you, and you're basing your
worth fully on your education, your salary, and your travel experience. Wow,
which is fine. You know, for me, it's very educational
(07:51):
because you're the New World woman and you're measuring worth
and value based on paper and experience, not on heart
and soul. Let me tell you a funny story. This
is many, many years ago, because I got shoes older
than you. But you know, so I met this man
(08:16):
and he came for us to go out, and I'm
assuming that he had a car and he didn't. So
we get downstairs outside my house and he says, the
bus will be here in about ten minutes. We need
(08:37):
to get over. I said the bus. He said, yeah,
I don't have a car. I said, oh okay. So anyway,
we go to the corner. I'm just trying to get
my brain organized here that I'm going on a date
on the bus. But I was in New York City,
so many many people didn't have cars. You don't need
a car in New York City. So we yet we
(09:00):
walked to the bus stop and we just start talking.
I'm trying to be nice and you know, just get
my brain together. We get on the bus, very nice.
He paid the bus fare and we sit down, we're talking.
We get off. He says, come on, we're gonna get
off here. We get off and we took another bus
and I said, okay, where are we going? He said,
(09:22):
I wanted to be a surprise. I said, okay. So
we get on the bus and we drive out, and
we drive out to Rockaway where the Rockaway Shore is,
and we get off and we walk in and there
was a restaurant on the on the I guess the
pier you would call it. And he had set up
(09:45):
a table by the window and we sat there. We
had the loveliest dinner and the best conversation and it
was just really really sweet and I would we have
never thought that somebody who rides the bus could take
(10:06):
me on a great date. And when we finished, he
called a cab and he took me home. Now I
never saw him again because apparently I didn't meet his criteria. Okay,
but it was a lovely, lovely evening. It was a date.
(10:29):
I wasn't trying to, you know, build a family in
the home. I didn't want to order the wedding invitations.
It was a date, and it was lovely. And what
I got out of that is how it feels for
a man to treat you well even though he didn't
have a car. But how would you feel about a
(10:51):
man who shows up and takes you on a date
on the bus. And we'll talk about that when we
come back. Welcome back to the r spot. You probably
wouldn't go.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
I would not. I'm in Dallas. In my mind, that's
a part of being established. When you're not financially stable
and well, you should not date. Dating calls dating is
an expense.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
He was established. And when I learned that the dinner
was that his sister died in a tragic car accident
and he had a driving phobia. But I would have
never learned that had I not gotten on that bus.
A lot of things look good on the outside, but
they're not good on the inside.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
I hear you.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
I'd rather have a good inside and an outside that
can be cleaned up than a great outside and a
foul inside. And who's to say that a man who
has a good an expensive car, and a good job
doesn't have a cracked heart? Which would you rather have?
Speaker 2 (12:08):
I would rather have good insights versus the ESTHETI but
your manipulity and a narcissis.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Don't miss an opportunity to know who somebody is before
you evaluate their circumstances. Date the person, not the criteria.
I don't know if you heard about it, but a
couple of months ago it was a big hooplah with
(12:40):
me and someone when I asked her, would you date
a bus driver? Did you hear about that?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
I did hear about that. I would not date a
bus driver, I said, would you date?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Really?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I would not? Wow? Tell me why I would not
date a bus driver for the fact that the lifestyles
don't align. There's no way that a bus driver's lifestyle
is going to align with mine, and I like to
(13:16):
enjoy the fruit.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
What about if he's driving the bus in the day
and going to law school at night.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
What about that I'm not looking for a man that's
in process.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
At twenty four. Well, that's true because you said you're
layed older. Okay, yeah, because a twenty four to maybe
twenty nine thirty year old man, he may be in process.
And you know, what if that's your standard and if
you're comfortable with that. But I I also see you
say not going to meet the man I expect. So
(13:56):
a you want to shift that because you have a
different age criteria and a thirty one, thirty two, thirty
three year old man can be a doctor, can be
a lawyer, can have his own business. Hell, there's some
twenty five year old man out there making millions on YouTube,
but he may not have all the other bells and
(14:18):
whistles that you desire.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, I've in any experience younger man's just are not
they're not.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
I want to talk to you when you're thirty, okay,
because there are out there God didn't make God didn't
make one of anything. So there's a young man out
there your age who's done exactly what you've done. He's traveled,
he's done his education, he's making a decent salary. He
(14:54):
may not be black. Are you open to that?
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Uh huh, that's a shaky ground.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
It is to ask me to be open to the
idea of dating someone who's not black. I don't know
if I can do it.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Okay. See, I come from the school where and again
I know you are a new age woman. I appreciate that,
and I want you to get it exactly as you
want it because I believe you can have it all.
I really do. I just also know from experience that
(15:42):
when you put the physical and the shiny objects above
the foundation, the heart and soul, nine times out of ten,
it's not going to turn out well for you. Nine
times out of ten it's not. So here's another dating
(16:06):
do for you. Okay, since we're talking dating dus and don't. Okay,
keep doing it your way and continue to observe. Yeah,
and see how it works. And if it's not working,
do be willing to shift, Do be willing to change,
(16:30):
Do be willing to look at something different. But that
probably for you won't happen until you're around twenty seven
to twenty eight when you say, oh damn, this ain't working,
or you'll because your head and your heart are in
alignment and this is what you want, it may work.
So just keep doing it your way. I'm not trying
(16:52):
to talk you out of your way. I just want
to give you some other things to think about. So
do have your standards. Yeah, do have a clear vision
and observe, and do be willing to date a person
not a paycheck. Please, just do be willing to do that,
even if it's a bus driver. Yes, and you're not
(17:18):
doing anything wrong. The question is is it working? That's
the question. Okay, okay, thank you, thank you, my love,
thank you, good luck to you. There really is a
(17:42):
difference in the world, and I'm not really sure I
know what it is. This is a beautiful, powerful young
woman who has some real clear criteria or standards of
what it is that she wants. I'm just not sure
that if that's the only thing she uses as her
(18:05):
dating criteria, dating adventure, fun having, I really want to
encourage us to look at the inside. Also in addition
to the outside. Welcome back to the art spot. We're
(18:29):
looking today at dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god,
no they didn't. My next guest has written a lovely
little book. It's just lovely. I just find it so exciting.
What's real, what's not? And somewhere in between his actions
(18:55):
will tell you everything. That's the title of the book.
She says here, you should not be in a relationship
and still feel alone. He is not present and neither
are you get clear about why. And I'm just wondering
(19:16):
how many of us date someone who checks all the boxes,
fits all the criteria. But there's something missing, but will
stay because the boxes are checked. My guest is Zakiah Fatig,
and I want to talk to her about some dating
deus and don'ts and how it aligns with what she's
(19:40):
offering us in the book. Zakiah, Welcome to the R Spot.
I just want to start here, which has so much
to do with what we're talking about today, dating dus,
dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. You
have looking for more. He's giving you what he wants
(20:05):
to give. You can accept that or not. You get
to choose what's best for you. Don't hurt yourself trying
to fit in somewhere, you don't be long. But what
happens if he meets all your standards, all your little boxes,
(20:27):
and you still want more and you're not getting it?
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Then?
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Welcome to the art Spot, Psakiah.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Thank you, thank you for having me. What do you
do then when he checks all the boxes and you're
still looking for more and he's not giving it to you?
So you have to decide what is important, what your
values are and what you need to be able to
be in a sustaining, healthy relationship. And so if he
(20:54):
is not giving you what you need.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
You have to choose you.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
So often we don't, you know, we make a commitment
and we forget that we have a choice.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
You say, here, be his friend first. Yeah, and he'll
appreciate and understand the lover in you much more.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
So I wonder if she can, if young women today
can be friends with men who are in process as
opposed to men who've already arrived.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
I think one of the things that we run into
is that we want it now. It has to be,
you know, we want the man now, that no one
wants to take the time to get to know someone,
and people forget that we're still always learning ourselves, We're
still always evolving, and so the standards and the values
that you set a year ago may shift within six
(21:53):
months or the next year based on your life experiences.
And if you don't have a friendship place, then how
do you communicate or share with that person I've elevated
or I've shifted and trust that they will shift, elevate or.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
Meet you you know where you are.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
If there's no friendship, if there's no understanding of who
the other person is, I think we get caught up
in you know what I used to call in my
younger years, the girl boy stuff, you know, the honeymoon phase,
the you know, I'm head over hills and all googly eyed.
He makes me feel this or he makes me feel that.
(22:33):
But when that is gone and there's no friendship, what
do you have left to sustain the relationship with when
you've not gotten to know the person, when everything has
been surface level? How you make me feel in the moment,
how you showed up in the moment.
Speaker 4 (22:50):
But what motivates or inspires you? What are your values?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
You know?
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Do you honor your mother? Do you take care of
your children? How do you respect when you are financially stable?
How do you respond when things do not work out
according to your plan? And can I line up with that?
How can I support you? Am I willing to support you?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
But in terms of dating, because we're looking at dating dues,
dating don'ts I think he should have standards and she
should have standards. So a dating do is have standards?
Maybe it's the definition of standards in what's real, what's not?
And somewhere in between. You say this, he will want
(23:35):
you to have high standards about yourself, to dress a
certain way and represent him well. Meanwhile, he's out there
cheating with a woman who has no standards, no self
respects respect, and doesn't know her worth. This may make
you feel inadequate and not enough, but you are enough
(23:56):
and you deserve more. So let's look at dating for
a moment. How do you develop them? How do you
create them? And again, because I think in today's world
it's very different for young women who've finished college who
walk into, you know, a corporate or executive position, how
(24:19):
do you set standards for who you want to date
if they have no standards or if you have, you know,
low standards, how do you do that?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Well, the thing is looking at where the standards do
or don't come from. So your last caller, she was
twenty four years old, and so you have some people
who set standards based on their experiences. Well, she may
have not had minny, but she may have had a
father and a mother who were married and together, and
she may be basing her standards off of how the
(24:52):
father treated the mother or how the father treated her
as she grew up. So that may be something that
she's basing the standards on, in addition to what she
has learned or grown to like as a young adult,
and so you know, the standards may be based off
of that. But for someone such as myself, for one
(25:12):
who has gone through many experiences, the standards are based
on the things that you've learned throughout your dating experiences,
your marriage experiences, and just the wisdom of being an adult.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
So is it correct to say that a standard is
what you preferred to experience because I see it working
the other way too. When a lot of people I
talk to, they have low standards or no standards. They
go into a dating situation and they just accept whatever
shows up, and then two years later they're complaining about it.
(25:50):
Now that they've got a kid in a half, you
know they're complaining about it. So a dating do is
have preferences based on who you are, not based on
what you've seen or what you make up. Would you
say that's that's accurate, that your standard is your preference.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Yeah, Pence, I think you know what most people are
forgetting is what they value, because the value is really
what you're wanting.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
Because he can have all the money in.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
The world, but if he if you, if you value family,
if you value quality time, but he's out here chasing
a dollar, then are you really fulfilled in that relationship.
Are you really getting what you desire?
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You know?
Speaker 3 (26:38):
I think for dating, you really have to be willing
to use dating as practice, get clear about what you
want to really exercise asking for what you want, being
willing to remove yourself if it's not what you want,
if it doesn't align with your standards or your values.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
And I think again.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
It goes back to people want a relationship now, but
they're not willing to put in the work for what
sustains the relationship. You know, they want to call someone,
they want to be exclusive right away, but you're exclusive
with someone that you haven't taken the time to know
or become.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
Friends with it.
Speaker 3 (27:21):
So I think the relationship piece is about practicing.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Dating dating things.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
Yes, the dating is about practicing what you do want
and what you don't want.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
And dating can have standards, not demands. I think that
you know, we make up. I want him to be
you know, six ' to two. I wanted to be single,
I wanted to be this that, blah blah blah. Those
are standings for me. A demand is he's got to
be able. Well, what my guests said, he's got to
(27:52):
be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which
I am accustomed as opposed to. If dating is grown
going into commitment, then that standard could become a demand,
and I don't think demands work.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Well.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
You know, if we're going out, it would be nice
for you to pay all the time, but I'm not
going to demand that you do. Is it a dating
don't for a man to say I paid the last
three times? Can you pay this time? Is that a
don't for most women?
Speaker 4 (28:29):
Yes, it is a don't.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I personally why I personally would want a man to
allow me to offer versus suggesting that I should pay. Yeah,
So I think the approach, the approach is important. Okay,
so I you know I think that that is you know,
I paid the last bill, you should pay this one.
(28:53):
You know that that could be a turnoff. It would
be a good turnoff for me. Okay, but I'm not
unwilling to pay the bill.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Ok got it.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Here's another thing about dating that I'm just wondering. And
you address this and what's real and what's not. I'm
wondering in dating, just the dating and then growing into relationships,
do we make other people responsible for our happiness and
(29:28):
the fulfillment of our dreams. Yes, I wonder if that's
you know, a dating don't don't make because see, I
can be happy if you can't pay for my nails,
or if you don't pay for our trip to Paris,
I can be happy. I'd like you to pay for it.
(29:49):
I'd like you to suggest it and recommend it. But
we're dating, and even when we get deeper into the relationship,
I know you. I know that you're paying off your
school loan. I know that you're helping your sister raise
her kids after her divorce. So you may have those
responsibilities and not be able to pay for us to
(30:11):
go to Paris. Do I dump you because you can't
pay for us to go to Paris and that's going
to make me happy?
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Well, it's not his jobs to make you happy. His
job is to thank you to your happiness. The happiness
is your work. It's your job because if you are
depending on him to make you happy, that means that
he gets to dictate how you feel.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Here's something else, and this is about dating. He may
still be searching for what he wants and needs in
(30:58):
and from a woman. If he's not committing, he's clear
that it's not you. Now for me, that's a dating situation.
But when should he commit? Y'all have had four dates.
Maybe it's over the course of you know, three four weeks.
Is he supposed to commit then? Or are you still
(31:21):
learning each other? Are you still growing?
Speaker 3 (31:23):
I believe you're still learning and growing. I mean you've
had I mean you hear these stories of people who
have dated for a week and go off and get
married and then they're together for years. You know. They
say when a man knows, he knows, and I think
the same is true for a woman. You know, there
are these instances where you meet someone and you just know.
But if they have had experiences of misjudging in the past,
(31:49):
or if they are still getting clear about what they want,
what they desire, what they need, then until they're clear,
no commitment should be made. There can be agreements, but
no commitment should be made.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
See that's why I stay home because this boggles my brain.
I just I can't even I'm like, you're human, I'm human,
you like me, I like you. What are we working towards?
Speaker 2 (32:14):
Well?
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Because you have people who are dating to marry, you know,
dating to get married, dating to have a lifelong partner,
and then you have people who just want to date
who are not interested in a long term relationship. So
I think that it's very important to get clear about
who you're dating and what their intentions are and what
(32:35):
it is that they're wanting.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Okay, so that's a dating Do be clear about why
you're dating, and if you're dating to find a partner,
then have standards not demands. That's a dating do would
you say that, yes, be clear about who you're dating,
get to know the person, and don't just check your
(32:57):
boxes off and dismiss them. Because I hear this a lot.
I don't want to waste my time.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah, And I said to look at dating as practice,
because it's never a waste of time. We have these standards,
or we have all these things that we want in
the relationship, and we base those things off of what
we've been through in previous relationships or experiences. But just
because you're wanting a thing doesn't mean that you know
(33:25):
what to do or you'll know what to do with
it when you get it.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
You say in what's real what's not? If he's not
for you. You will know it, just don't act like
you don't know it when it becomes clear. So if
you're dating, don't continue to date. If you're clear this
is not the person for you. Would that be a
(33:49):
dating don't?
Speaker 4 (33:51):
That is a dating don't.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Okay, But I.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Found this other one that we talked about earlier about
it spoke about it being his job to make you happy.
It says it's not his job to save you, fix you,
or make right all the hurt, disappointment, and pain another
man has caused you. That is your work and your job.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
He can well, let's flip it. Wait a minute, let's
flip it. Okay, So it's not your job to you know,
his job to save you, and flip it. It's not
your job to save him.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
You know.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
The book was written from my perspective as a woman,
but it is for everyone, you know, the male to female,
the female to male, the male to male, female to female.
You know, it is not our job to save or
fix anyone. It is our job to do our work.
It is our job to do our healing. Now, your
(34:50):
partner or the person you're dating can support you in
the process, but we have to stop asking people to
do what's impossible and do for ourselves what we are
expecting someone else to do.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
So here's a dating do do your own personal work
and don't make the other person responsible for it. So
that's a do and a don't combine. Do your personal
work and don't date. Don't date to fill a void.
Date with a clear vision of what my guest said
(35:23):
the interested in adventure, dating to have fun, dating to practice,
dating to meet new people, dating to explore possibilities. These
are all for me dating dues and looking at what's
real and what's not. If you see red flags, pay
attention to them. If you're not getting what you want,
(35:47):
pay attention to it. But also be spontaneous. Be spontaneous
and be willing to go in a direction that you
didn't think of or that you didn't know was possible.
For me, is a dating do. Remember you're healing, they're healing.
We all have, you know, relationship nightmares. But just be
(36:09):
willing to meet the person and not the boxes on
your piece of paper.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Yes, and you know, have your standards in place, make
a list your deal breakers. You know the things that
you want and desire. You know you can have those things,
you have to first bet them if you're looking for
a long term relationship or working towards being them.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
So don't date with the expectation of permanency. Do date
with an open mind, Do date with a vision, but
not a requirement. Because I think people can date for
three four months and immediately think that has to become
a commitment. I don't think that that's always a good
(36:57):
way to go.
Speaker 3 (36:57):
I would offer to have fun in the process of dating.
Practice you know, practice the things that you didn't do
in your previous relationships, having a strong yes, having a
strong note, being vulnerable, you know and knowe that just
because you met someone doesn't mean that they have to
be the one.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
And the other thing I want to say is, let's
call a thing a thing. Okay, if you're dating to
meet somebody, date to meet somebody. If you're dating because
you're interested in the possibility of a long term relationship,
be clear about that. If you're dating to get laid,
don't think that getting laid is going to turn into
a permanent relationship just because y'all had sex. That's a
(37:41):
no note for me. That's why I said, be clear
about why you're dating. Be clear about who you're dating.
For me, dating is like touch driving a car. I
like this, I like that. You know I don't like that,
So let me go back to my original list.
Speaker 4 (38:04):
Okay, know that upgrades are possible.
Speaker 3 (38:07):
You know in your car, you know, you see what
you like, you see what you want, and it may
be missing a thing or two.
Speaker 4 (38:12):
You can upgrade, You can ask for what you want.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, sometimes you think he's the one because of how
you feel when you're with him or her, and because
of the strong desire you have to be with him.
When you're not the one, Patience is required, be present,
let things flow, and let go of your need to
(38:39):
control the pace and the process of the experience. What's real,
what's not, and somewhere in between his actions or her
actions will tell you everything. Thank you, Zakiah for these
really great dating dues, dating notes, and some of the
(39:01):
things we can experience along the way. Thanks so much.
Speaker 4 (39:07):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Mm hmm listen. Are the seats comfortable? Do you like
the way it looks? Will it fit your lifestyle? Can
you afford it? Those are the things that you would
ask yourself about a car. Ask the same things about
the people that you're dating before you expect it to
(39:39):
turn into a long term experience or relationship. But it's dating,
it's an adventure. It's temporary until the time or the
moment comes when you're ready to shift. And then in
that moment, have the conversation. And don't just walk around
(40:02):
with expectations that because you'll have been going out for two, three, four, five,
six months, that is shifting into something else. Don't wait
for a year waiting for the person to commit to
you and you haven't asked the question, Okay, what are
we doing here? Are we gonna make this long term?
Are we making this monogamous? Are we committed? And depending
(40:27):
upon what you get from that conversation, then you make
your determination. The other person is not responsible for your happiness.
Do have your standards or your preferences. Make it a preference,
not a demand. Don't settle for something you don't want,
(40:49):
but be sure you're wanting it because that's your preference,
not because you expect the other person or value the
other person or me the other person based on their
ability and capacity to meet your standards. I want to
know if you have a vision for you, not for me.
(41:12):
Do you have a vision for yourself. Does your life
have value and meaning? Before I get to how much
you're earning and what you can do for or give
to me, I want to know how you're being with yourself.
And dating is complicated, it really really is. But the
(41:33):
clearer we are about who we are and what we want,
what we desire, the easier it will be to spot it,
receive it, or create it on a date. Dating dus,
dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. I
(41:55):
hope you've heard something today that you can use in
your dating life and your world or wherever it is
that you are. Boy. I just I want us to
continue to grow and talk, and I'm really gonna have
that conversation. I want men to hear women. I want
women to hear men, and then I want them to
talk to each other so we can get this dating
(42:17):
party back on track. Thanks for tuning in. I'll be
back next week. In the meantime, stay in peace and
not in pieces. By bye. The R Spot is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
(42:42):
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite show
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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