May 31, 2023 • 41 mins
This week, Iyanla dedicates an episode to Grandma Schnookums – a particular type of elder woman of an older generation. Iyanla’s caller is a 30-year-old man who is in conflict with his grandmother after calling her out for being rude and embarrassing on Facebook. But Iyanla takes the conversation down an unexpected route – Should the caller be taking 100% of the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:35):
In today's world, one of the main complications in our
relationship is the generation gap. Millennials and exers and zeers
and baby boomers and World War Two. We all see
life differently, and we're trying to get each other to
(00:56):
see the world in life the way we see it,
and that can create a breakdown in the relationship. That
is the exact situation of my first caller today. Take
a listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot.
What is your relationship challenge? Is your dilemma that we
(01:17):
can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Well, thank you for taking my call. So excited and nervous,
But but I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Don't be nervous. I don't I don't bite. I only
bite on Wednesdays when the moon is full and the
date is an odd number, and none of that is
happening today.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
All right, I am calling because I have not spoken
with my grandmother in almost three months, and I am
calling for a perspective on that and how to move forward.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So I have not talked to her since very early January.
So it started because we went to a funeral role
my sister's grandmother funeral. So me and my sister have
different deaths, and her grandmother on her dad's I passed away,
and so me and my grandmother and you know, my
(02:15):
mom and some other family members we went to support
my sister and my mom and my stepfather. And so
after the funeral, you know, I call my my nana,
who I talked to every day, you know, who who
raised me, and I just asked her how the funeral went,
you know what she thought, you know, just regular talk,
and she said, you know, it was a good service,
but she was disappointed in the people who were walking
(02:38):
and you know, walking around during prayer or talking during
the sermon or things of that nature. And so you know,
she's a church girl, you know, like that's who she is.
And so I just sort of told her, I say,
you know, different generation, not everybody goes to church as much.
And I'll say, you know, like people grieve differently, so
I'll just you know, So we just sort of had
(02:58):
that little disagreement. And then about two hours later, I
got like four or five text messages from like my cousins,
my friends who like have friended my grandmother on Facebook,
and they it was a screenshot of something that she
of a status that she posted, and essentially she said
(03:18):
on the status like I went to my you know,
son in law's mother's funeral, and I was disgusted by
the behavior that I saw, and people were talking and
I wanted to tell them to shut the f up,
and it was just really like it was like wow.
And so I felt really embarrassed that people were sending
(03:40):
me that, primarily because you know, folks really you know,
like folks know that me and her are super closed.
And I also, I was like, we just talked about this,
So I was kind of shocked that it was now
on facebooks for one hundred people to comment on. So
I called her and I I said, Nana, now, why
(04:02):
did you you know post that on Facebook? And she said,
I said it and I meant it, and she told
me that I'm not her mother. I can't tell her
what to do and things kind of just went down
from there.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I saw what does that mean? What does that mean?
Things went down from there.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
So we normally talk every day and we kind of
stopped talking, and then when we saw each other, the
relationship was very like it was very awkward. So my
great grandmother, which is her mother, turned one hundred and
three recently and I saw her, and I saw my
nana for the first time since that since the funeral,
(04:43):
at that birthday party, and I was like, well, maybe
it's over now. So I went to go and greet
my grandmother because that's what you do, you greet your
grandparents when you walk in the building. And I went
in to give her a hug, and she like pushed
her hand out and was like no, no, no, And
I was like, again, very embarrassed. And then I also
(05:04):
turned thirty recently and I had a dinner plan for
me that my partner planned and he didn't invite her
because he thought that we were beefing. And I say, no,
you cannot invite my mom and not invite my grandmother.
So then I was like, called my name, I said, hey,
there's a dinner happening tonight. I didn't know what was happening,
but you're welcome to attend. And she attended the dinner.
(05:28):
She didn't really talk to me, you know, she you know,
we hugged, but I told her that I loved her,
and she said, I don't know about all of that.
And then when she left the when she left the dinner,
she told me, you're still on my list, which is
like she's still upset with me. So I guess I'm
just like not sure why the aggression towards me when
I don't think I did anything wrong. And I guess
(05:51):
I'm also just like struggling Missy Iswa because it's like
most people tell me, like you need to call your
grandmother you never know, like she's getting older and then
and like, you know, like like just let this go.
But I also just feel like, you know, I thought
the Facebook status was really disrespectful, and I thought that
the way I've been treated has been disrespectful, and so
(06:14):
I'm finding it hard to like just let this go
and like allow for her to like not take accountability
for this because of her age and status and our family.
So I thought I would call you for advice on that.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Oh Lord, So I want to ask you a couple
of questions and then I will share with you as
a great grandmother, that's what I am. How old is
your grandmother.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
That's a good question. I don't think I actually know,
but probably somewhere between like sixty and seventy two in
that range.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Okay, so she's my age. So we're talking about Grandma Snookeems.
That's what I call women in that age group, because
they just say what they want to say, and you know,
they they lay it down and you know it's coming
from a very deep place, based on our upbringing, based
(07:23):
on our sense of right, based on our sense of whatever,
And if we haven't done our own internal work, then
we are right and you're wrong, and I'm gonna make
you wrong, and I'm gonna let you know you wrong.
That's Grandma snook Ems. Okay. If you've done your work
(07:43):
as an elder woman, as a wise woman, then you
understand that there's a distinction in the generations, and that
how you see it as a grandma, a great grandma,
a wise woman, is not how the younger generations see it.
Everything I did from the time I was sixteen on
(08:05):
up to you know, thirty five, my grandmother perceived it
as I was going straight to hell. When I wore
my booty shorts, I was defiling the Lord and I
was going to hell. And when I, you know, live
with a man without the benefit of marriage, the Lord
was outraged and I was going to hell. That's Grandma snookems.
(08:28):
She you know, she has a set of values. So
let me ask you a couple of questions and then
we'll see how we're going to unravel this. Let me
just say, let me announce this. There's going to come
a moment when I'm going to share with you the
most appropriate response to this, and you are not going
to like it. I just want you to know that
(08:51):
I know that already and that we'll work through it
when we get there. If you don't like it, you
tell me why and we'll work through it. Okay, because
I can tell you right now at thirty, you are
not gonna like what I have to say. Okay. First,
first question, Okay, is your relationship with your grandmother an
important relationship in your life?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Okay? Why is it an important relationship? Listen to me, listen,
listen my relationship with my nana and see. I know
it's important because when you call her Nana. That's a
whole that's a whole thing. Okay. My relationship with myne
Nana is important to me, because that's what I want
(09:34):
you to say, My relationship with my nana. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
My relationship with my nana is important to me because
she was very instrumental in my upbringing and all the
successes that I have now is because of her teachings
and her support when I came out. She was someone who,
(09:58):
you know, really covered me through some very troubling time. Yeah.
Like she's just somebody who is like has always been
there for me throughout my entire life, you know, like
she's like she's my second mother.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So if I can translate that, and you tell me
if this is accurate, and if it's not, that's fine,
we can retranslate it. My relationship with my Nana is
important to me because of how she has stood for
me and stood with me. My relationship with my Nana
is important because of what she has taught me. My
(10:41):
relationship with my Nana is important to me because of
the value that she has brought into my life. Does
that cover it?
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, that feels a little different.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Right mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Yeah, we'll talk more about it when we come back.
Welcome back, I am yan len. This is the R spot.
So your relationship with your nana is important to you. Yes,
let me ask you this question. Do you value your
(11:21):
nana as a person? Yes, go ahead, tell me why.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Well. I value her as a person because I this
is a kind of a complex question for me. One
is I think she's someone who is uh sometimes misunderstood,
and because of our closeness, I sometimes really know her.
(11:48):
I know what she's been through. I know that you
know how she was raised is very different from her sisters.
And I know the way that she feels in regard
to how and you know, and and where she stays
and and our family and some of the dissonance that
exists there. And so I see her humanity as well.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
This is the very first time her and I have
like really sort of been at odds in my entire life.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
So and that's painful, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Okay, So I value my Nana because of our connection.
I value my Nana because I know her heart. I
value my Nana because I appreciate and understand her story
and her history. I value my Nana because sometimes people
(12:49):
don't appreciate who she is and what she brings to
the table. Does that get it all?
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Okay, Now this question is a little more difficult, but
so I want you to just just think about it. Okay,
do you believe she values you? It doesn't matter what
the answer is. Do you believe she values you.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
That's a good question. I would say she does.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
And what is the evidence that you have for that?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
I think throughout my life, especially like in my later twenties,
you know, like there's some conversations that we've been able
to have, you know, particularly as it returns, like what
it means to be like black and black and gay,
and like she's asked me questions about that experience and
(13:47):
about just like you know, like he's ask me questions
about my life as she's trying to like gain understanding
as a baby boomer, you know, and like what it
means for me to live my life as a millennial,
and like some of the different opinions that you know,
and differences that we have in our generation. And so
(14:09):
there are there have been some moments in which she
has asked me about to clarify certain experiences or certain
thoughts that I may have.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Had, So she didn't condemn you, she didn't judge you.
She made inquiries. So she values your life experience, she
values your story, and she has made efforts to understand.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Yes, but I will say that if she disagrees or
something just doesn't sit right with her, she's gonna let
me know.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Like Grandma Snookums, Grandma Snookems, that's what they do, that's
what they do. Sniggles is going to let you know,
and she's gonna hold her.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Position, absolutely, absolutely hold it down.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
But does she does she throw you under the bus?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
No? Oh, she doesn't throw me under the buzz Okay,
But I will say that there's like I've seen her
do it to others, and I think that that particularly
my mom that I think like also sits with me sometimes,
so like I've never been on this side of the table,
(15:22):
but I've seen this exact scenario play out with my
mom throughout our upbreak.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Well, don't pay that no mind, because as a male,
you will never understand. You will never understand that breakdown
because children bring to life the subconscious issues of the parents.
So your mom brings to life the subconscious issues that
(15:49):
Grandma Snookkelms has about herself. So the things that she
sees in your mom she doesn't like are probably the
things about herself she has never accepted understood. So that tension,
that tension you you, you can't do nothing with that.
And I can imagine watching the way she may treat
or ill treat your Mother's difficult for you as a man.
(16:12):
But just breathe and pray. So what I'm hearing you say, beloved,
is that your relationship with your nana is an important relationship.
I'm hearing you say that your you value your gramm,
your nana as a person, and you believe she values
you as a person. Is that accurate? Okay, here's the
(16:34):
other question. Are you willing? Now this is probably the
one that you're not gonna like. So it's okay, are
you willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for the
current state of your relationship? One hundred percent responsibility? I
(16:56):
am That would be a no. That would be a no.
You took too long to answer. Okay, go ahead, ask
me what you want to ask me, which is probably
why do I have to take one hundred percent responsibility?
Speaker 2 (17:13):
That is a question?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yes, yeah, that's the question. I know these questions Okay,
why because each person in the relationship is one hundred
percent responsible for the state of the relationship, each person.
But I'm not talking to Grandma, I'm not talking to Nana.
(17:35):
I'm talking to you. Yeah, so you have to look
at you and take one hundred percent responsibility for this breakdown,
even if you don't understand what she did or why
she did it, or what you did or what you
should have done, or just say I accept responsibility. I'm
responsible for it all, and then we can look at
(17:59):
how it is that you can begin to approach it. Now.
If I were talking to her, I would ask her
the same question, But I ain't talking to her, talking
to me. Yeah, so I can't give you sixty percent
of forty percent of seventy five percent. You have to
accept one hundred percent of the responsibility for your thoughts,
(18:20):
your feelings, your behaviors, your actions, your reactions, your responses,
your speaking that has caused this breakdown in the relationship.
We're not talking about right, wrong, fair, unfair. We're talking
about how you showed up in the moment and contributed
to the state of the relationship. Can you take one
(18:42):
hundred percent responsibility for that?
Speaker 2 (18:44):
I can take one hundred responsibility for.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
That, okay, because you thought she was wrong, you thought
she shouldn't have did it, you were embarrassed, you tried
to correct her. That's what we're asking you to take
responsibility for.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yeah, not for what.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
She said or didn't say or First of all, I'm
just shocked and horrified that grandma was on Facebookaddy, and
she's in my age group. I don't be on Facebook
talking about people. I can't even I'm you know what
I'm I am actually impressed that she knew what Facebook was.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Well, when you're retired, you know what I mean, you
sometimes find things to.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Do and well, big up to Grandma, Big up to grandma. Okay,
So you are willing to accept one hundred percent responsibility
for your thoughts, your reaction, your feelings, your judgments, your whatever.
One hundred percent. Very good. That's good. Now let me
ask you the final question. Are you willing to do
(19:51):
the work to heal this relationship no matter what Grandma does.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
I'm scared, but I am Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
That's all we have to do. We don't have to
be scared. It's an important relationship to you. You value her,
You're willing to take responsibility, and you're willing to do
the work. So the first work you have to do
is eliminate all judgments. You judged what she did as wrong.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
M hm.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Is that accurate?
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Okay, that's a judgment. It's your judgment. Yes, Understanding who
she is that you value, understanding her story, understanding what
she's contributed to your life, how she stood with you,
how she stood for you, how she's made the attempts
(20:49):
to understand you. The people that she was disturbed with
by their behavior, which Grandma Snookums would be. And when
I say Snookums, I'm talking about a general population of
elder women. Okay, snookes. How she did that, you said
that was wrong. Knowing her story, understanding her experience, understanding
(21:13):
where she's come from, you judged her as wrong and
didn't give.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Her the.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Privilege of expressing herself m which she gave you when
you came out. There were people who thought you were wrong.
Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
That would be accurate.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Oh so why wouldn't you afford her the same privilege
that she has afforded you? Can you see what I'm
saying here? Yes, I'm not saying what you did was
wrong or what you said was wrong. I'm asking you
to accept responsibility for it and get on hers get
(21:56):
on the same side of the table with her. You
didn't have to like it, and you certainly had. You
certainly had the right to voice to her you didn't
like it, but understanding who she is and where she
came from and what her story was, it was the
judgment of it. Tell me what you hear me saying.
(22:16):
I want to make sure we got this.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
So what I hear you saying is that it's not
that my opinion of what she said was wrong. It
was what was behind the opinion that caused a big
breakdown more than anything.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Damn got it? Do you forgive yourself for that?
Speaker 2 (22:39):
I need to?
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Yeah, you can.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
And again we're not we're raising this up. This is
not about right or wrong. It's just about looking at
the entire picture, getting on the same side of the
table of something that you value. That doesn't mean you
have to silence yourself or hold yourself back. You have
absolutely had the right. The thing is, and these are
(23:06):
the four questions that you have to be mindful of.
So what do we do now? We'll talk about that
right after this break Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's pick up where we left are. When you spoke
(23:28):
to Nana about her Facebook post, and like I said,
I'm impressed that Nana was on Facebook. That would have
made me happier than what she said. She didn't mention
your name, she didn't talk about you. She was talking
about people she probably don't even know. And you know,
if they see it, they see it. If they don't,
(23:49):
they don't. What the heck. She's sixty eight years old,
She's got a right to her opinion. You know, when
the people get on Facebook and talk about people well
they don't know, and cancel people and condemn people, you know,
everybody's in their judgment. So I'm not saying you were
(24:09):
wrong in what you were saying. What I'm saying is
did something need to be said to her? Did it
need to be said by you? Did it need to
be said when you said it? And did you say
it in a way that Grandma Snookums could hear it?
Those are the four things. Did something need to be said?
(24:30):
Maybe something didn't need to be said, but did it
need to be said by you? Understanding your relationship with her,
understanding your value of her, understanding her value of you.
Did it need to be said by you or did
it need to be said by the people she was
talking about. Were you one of the people walking around
(24:52):
and talking during the service.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I certainly was not.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
So why did you feel you had to defend those
people she was talking about?
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Because I felt like in the moment that it well won.
If I'm mean, if I'm taking a responsibility, it's because
I felt embarrassed, that's right, and said, whoa, this is
your nana talking like this. And I said, whoa, Nana,
what's going on? So like I it is certainly because
the first reason because I was triggered by my own embarrassment.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, So you were not trying to
correct grandma. You was trying to cover yourself. I was
embarrassed by my grandmother when she came up to school
with her wig gone backwards. Okay, but Grandma Snookems was Russian.
She put the wig on the bangs was over her ear,
(25:47):
that was not on her forehead. And I was very
embarrassed by that. But I knew enough not to open
my mouth and say, Grandma's twist your wig around. I
knew that mm hmmm, because I know who she is,
I know her story, I know her experience, and I
valued her. So I'm loving her. I'm not caring about
(26:09):
what people are thinking and saying about her. Can you
hear me?
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1 (26:14):
And do you know how embarrassing it is to have
your grandma show up at the at the junior high
school with bangs over her ear and a safety pending
in the front of her dress.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Come on now, I would say that. The other thing
that I think is the second reason to the first
is I think that, you know, yeah, there might they
that the people that she was talking about maybe people
that we did not know, but the funeral who the
funeral you know was, you know, was my sister's grandmother.
(26:46):
That was folks that we didn't know. And so, like,
I think I also just like wanted to protect her
from any sort of backlash that may have had come
from that like pose that garnered a lot of attentions.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
So here's how you respond to that when they say,
whoa is this your nana? Yes, and you know she
comes from the OG. She's hard on it. You know,
we just have to forgive her. That's how you respond
to that. You don't get on their side and start
correcting her. You can't correct Grandma Snook them. You gotta
(27:21):
wait till the right time. Does something need to be said,
does it need to be said by me? Does it
need to be said now? And so, how she probably
received what you were saying was you were taking their
side against her m hm. And that's not what you
do in your relationship with someone that has stood with
(27:44):
you and for you, someone of the og of the
old guard.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Can you see that? Yeah, I'm not making you wrong,
but I want you to see it from a broader perspective.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
Yes, that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Okay, So you got to forgive yourself for that. You
got to forgive yourself for being embarrassed by your grandmother.
You got to forgive yourself for thinking she has to
live up to some social more rays. Because you're all
millennials and young folk, you know you'll go along with it,
with the public opinion and all of that. Grandma Snooks
(28:19):
don't care nothing about that nothing. Let me ask you
a question. Do you know how to set a table
for a meal? Do you know how to set a table?
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Yes? Because she made me all.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Right, this is what I'm talking about, okay, mm hmm.
That's a value to you. And I'm also shocked in
hard fund that she used the F word out loud,
the little church lady. She was having a bad day. Okay,
(28:53):
so here's your prescription, beloved. What does she like? What
does Grandma Snookums like? What does your nana like to she?
Speaker 2 (29:02):
She loves a good pound cake, she loves this dky perfume,
She loves soap operas, she loves she loves sentimental things
like picture frames of us and you know those types
of things.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Do you have a nice recent picture of you and her?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
I do?
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Maybe at the funeral. You know, has she seen the picture?
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Okay, So you're gonna go to the home goods or
somewhere and buy a really extravagant frame and put that
picture in it. Okay, and you're gonna get a pound cake,
and you're gonna call grandma and ask if you can
come over and bring her some stuff. And she might
say yes, she might say no, so you might have
to ask her a couple of times. You ask and say, okay,
well let me know when I got something for you,
(29:59):
I want to bring it over, just like nothing happened.
You want to bring it over. Okay, it might take
two or three times because Grandma Snooklm's gonna hold her ground, right,
And how you can disarm her is when you call
or when you email her or whatever you do. Say Grandma,
I know, Nana, I know I'm on your list because
that way you're acknowledging her. I know I'm on your list,
(30:22):
but I have some things that I want to bring
over for you. Let me know when I can come.
And she's not going to answer you the first time.
Two three days later, you write her again, Nana, I
know I'm still on your list, and that's okay, but
I have some things I want to bring to you.
I'm just telling you how to work Snookums down. You
got to get to her, okay, yeah, yeah yeah. And
(30:44):
when you go, you take that picture, you take the
pound CA, you go around soap opera time, or if
you don't want to watch the soap operas, go before,
or you can go with soap opera time. And then
when she sits down to watch, I didn't even know
soap operas was still on. Oh she's streaming him. Okay,
And when you get there, this is what you're going
(31:05):
to offer her, Nana, my relationship with you is important
in my life. I value who you are and everything
that you've been to me and done for me. And
I acknowledge that I have offended you, and I'm here
to ask for your forgiveness. She may give you a
(31:26):
little pushback, and then you have to ask her, Nana,
what do I need to do to fix this? How
can I make it better now? Because I don't. I'm
not happy with this going on between us. I acknowledge
that I offended you. That's all you have to say,
and let her say whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever she says.
(31:47):
Here's your party line. What do I have to do
to fix this? That's all. Don't fight to be right.
Don't tell her she was wrong.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Don't.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
And if you have to make any confession at all,
what you confesses. I said that because I was embarrassed
because people were judging you and I wanted to defend you,
and instead of defending you against them, I came after
you and I was wrong. How does this feel in
(32:23):
your body? Does this make sense to you? Can you
see where we're going here?
Speaker 2 (32:27):
I absolutely see where we're going, and it's definitely it's heavy,
but I understand the assignment.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
She's an elder, yeah, and she sees things a certain way.
And I don't know if she watched Diamla fix my life,
but I've dealt with many of them. She's probably hurt
that you took their side against her, and she heard
it as you telling her what to do, not as
(32:58):
you were trying to protect her from scorn and condemnation.
That none of that matters. This is an important relationship
in your life, and you value her and the relationship
and you're willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for
it no matter what she does. So the question becomes,
(33:21):
what do I need to do to fix this? If
you lift the judgment out of it that what she
did was wrong, that what she did she shouldn't have done,
that what she did, lift all of that out, and
the goal here is to be reconnected to your nana
because it's an important relationship. That's the goal. It doesn't
(33:44):
matter what she does, and you keep going in, she's
gone crack. I'm telling you, as a great grandma, a
woman of my age, I've got ten grandchildren and three
great grands great grants, so I know how to make
her crack. I'm just telling you these secrets. Don't ever
(34:05):
reveal them publicly. Notice ours is an important relationship, Nana.
I miss you, and I acknowledge that my approach to
this situation was wrong. What do I need to do
to fix this? I value you. This is an important relationship.
(34:30):
I miss you. Hell, she might bake you a pound
cake when you done with that her know you miss her? Yeah,
let her know you miss her, and you keep going in.
She'll crack. I know I'm on your list, but I
have some things for you.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Okay, Well I get her. Go find a pound.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Cake, get a good one. Yeah, it's I just want
you to understand you're not wrong. She's not wrong, but
the judgment underneath it, her judgment of the people, that's
her judgment. I can't deal with that because I'm not
talking to her. I'm talking to you, so I can
talk to you about your judgments, your emotions, your feelings
(35:15):
and how this happened and what you're willing to do.
It'll be fine, but don't let it keep going on.
Don't let it be a year and two years or whatever.
When you do a little work, you know, sit with
this for a couple of days, feel it, understand it,
was my embarrassment that made me challenge her. It was
my need to protect her that made me judge what
(35:37):
she did. It was my response to the people, that's
your nana. If I can sit with my grandmother with
her wig on crooked, you can sit with your grandma
when she uses the F bomb on Facebook. And again,
I'm really impressed that she's on Facebook.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
Yeah, We've had many of a sessions to walk her
through it. So I see the pronoun and you.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
Need to say to her, Nana, you know you gotta be.
I want you to be, not you gotta be. Don't
ever use gotta with grandma snookems. I want you to
be a little more mindful of things you put on
Facebook because they live forever, and I don't want, you know,
one day when we have to go to your funeral,
somebody's reminding somebody about the stuff you said on Facebook.
(36:27):
That stuff lives forever, Nana, So I just want you
to be mindful, okay, because I love you and I
don't want people talking bad about Minna.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
Yes, okay that I'm gonna steal that, thank.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
You, okay, Okay, Yeah, we all have to be careful
because people will whip that stuff out. Yeah, you'll be fine.
Tell me tell me something you know now that you
didn't know when you're called here today.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I didn't think about the judgment piece and taking accountability
for that, I think is a really important revelation for me.
Is like there's a you know, there's a difference between
like sharing what you think and like being explicit about
the intention behind that. So that's so that the judgment
(37:19):
does not you know, over like like supersede or it
doesn't taint.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
Yeah, it doesn't taint what it is that you're offering.
Judgments will do that as soon as you get in
the right, wrong, good, bad, fair, unfair? Should shouldn't that
the judgment is going to taint your intention for what
it is that you're doing. And also being clear about
there's something need to be said, there's something need to
be said, now does it need to be said by me?
(37:50):
And can I say it in a way I would
want to hear it. Those four things are very important
because it may have been another You know, Nana, you
got to be mindful about what you put on Facebook
because that list forever and people will see that and
they'll have all and I know you don't care about that,
But I care. I don't want people coming for you
because of something you put on Facebook in the hot moment. Mmmmmmm,
(38:15):
she's got to know you're on her side. She's upset
because you took their side against her right.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Oh man, communication.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Yes, sir, work, yeah, it is okay. But you've got
my secrets for cracking Grandma's heart. Don't ever share them
with anybody else in the world.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
Hold it close to me, Hold it close.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
Okay, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay,
alrighty bye bye. In life, we are in relationship with
so many people, and when it is an important relationship,
it is our duty and responsibility to remember who we
(39:07):
are dealing with and meet people where they are. You
can't always meet everybody in the same place. But when
you value the relationship and when you value the person,
when it is an important relationship and you find yourself
and in the midst of a breakdown in that relationship,
(39:32):
your first step is to get on the same side
of the table with the other person and look out
and see things from their perspective. Now, I'm not saying
that you have to compromise your values, compromise your beliefs,
I'm not saying you have to bow down a cowtow
to make somebody else happy. I'm saying, get on the
(39:54):
same side of the table and look out at the
situation from their perspective, so that you can align with
the person you value and so that you can be
of value in the important relationships in your life. You
can't talk to everybody the same way, you can't handle
(40:17):
everybody the same way. And sometimes we're so busy and
we're so caught up in the way we see it
and the way we think about it is we think
people are going to respond to what we're offering the
way we think they should. No. No, get on the
same side of the table. Consider the person's age, their relationships,
(40:39):
their history, but most important, consider the value that they
are in your life and deal with them from that perspective.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seventy five zero
(41:00):
seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow
me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces favor.
The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
(41:25):
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:35):
In today's world, one of the main complications in our
relationship is the generation gap. Millennials and exers and zeers
and baby boomers and World War Two. We all see
life differently, and we're trying to get each other to
(00:56):
see the world in life the way we see it,
and that can create a breakdown in the relationship. That
is the exact situation of my first caller today. Take
a listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot.
What is your relationship challenge? Is your dilemma that we
(01:17):
can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Well, thank you for taking my call. So excited and nervous,
But but I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Don't be nervous. I don't I don't bite. I only
bite on Wednesdays when the moon is full and the
date is an odd number, and none of that is
happening today.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
All right, I am calling because I have not spoken
with my grandmother in almost three months, and I am
calling for a perspective on that and how to move forward.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So I have not talked to her since very early January.
So it started because we went to a funeral role
my sister's grandmother funeral. So me and my sister have
different deaths, and her grandmother on her dad's I passed away,
and so me and my grandmother and you know, my
(02:15):
mom and some other family members we went to support
my sister and my mom and my stepfather. And so
after the funeral, you know, I call my my nana,
who I talked to every day, you know, who who
raised me, and I just asked her how the funeral went,
you know what she thought, you know, just regular talk,
and she said, you know, it was a good service,
but she was disappointed in the people who were walking
(02:38):
and you know, walking around during prayer or talking during
the sermon or things of that nature. And so you know,
she's a church girl, you know, like that's who she is.
And so I just sort of told her, I say,
you know, different generation, not everybody goes to church as much.
And I'll say, you know, like people grieve differently, so
I'll just you know, So we just sort of had
(02:58):
that little disagreement. And then about two hours later, I
got like four or five text messages from like my cousins,
my friends who like have friended my grandmother on Facebook,
and they it was a screenshot of something that she
of a status that she posted, and essentially she said
(03:18):
on the status like I went to my you know,
son in law's mother's funeral, and I was disgusted by
the behavior that I saw, and people were talking and
I wanted to tell them to shut the f up,
and it was just really like it was like wow.
And so I felt really embarrassed that people were sending
(03:40):
me that, primarily because you know, folks really you know,
like folks know that me and her are super closed.
And I also, I was like, we just talked about this,
So I was kind of shocked that it was now
on facebooks for one hundred people to comment on. So
I called her and I I said, Nana, now, why
(04:02):
did you you know post that on Facebook? And she said,
I said it and I meant it, and she told
me that I'm not her mother. I can't tell her
what to do and things kind of just went down
from there.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I saw what does that mean? What does that mean?
Things went down from there.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
So we normally talk every day and we kind of
stopped talking, and then when we saw each other, the
relationship was very like it was very awkward. So my
great grandmother, which is her mother, turned one hundred and
three recently and I saw her, and I saw my
nana for the first time since that since the funeral,
(04:43):
at that birthday party, and I was like, well, maybe
it's over now. So I went to go and greet
my grandmother because that's what you do, you greet your
grandparents when you walk in the building. And I went
in to give her a hug, and she like pushed
her hand out and was like no, no, no, And
I was like, again, very embarrassed. And then I also
(05:04):
turned thirty recently and I had a dinner plan for
me that my partner planned and he didn't invite her
because he thought that we were beefing. And I say, no,
you cannot invite my mom and not invite my grandmother.
So then I was like, called my name, I said, hey,
there's a dinner happening tonight. I didn't know what was happening,
but you're welcome to attend. And she attended the dinner.
(05:28):
She didn't really talk to me, you know, she you know,
we hugged, but I told her that I loved her,
and she said, I don't know about all of that.
And then when she left the when she left the dinner,
she told me, you're still on my list, which is
like she's still upset with me. So I guess I'm
just like not sure why the aggression towards me when
I don't think I did anything wrong. And I guess
(05:51):
I'm also just like struggling Missy Iswa because it's like
most people tell me, like you need to call your
grandmother you never know, like she's getting older and then
and like, you know, like like just let this go.
But I also just feel like, you know, I thought
the Facebook status was really disrespectful, and I thought that
the way I've been treated has been disrespectful, and so
(06:14):
I'm finding it hard to like just let this go
and like allow for her to like not take accountability
for this because of her age and status and our family.
So I thought I would call you for advice on that.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Oh Lord, So I want to ask you a couple
of questions and then I will share with you as
a great grandmother, that's what I am. How old is
your grandmother.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
That's a good question. I don't think I actually know,
but probably somewhere between like sixty and seventy two in
that range.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Okay, so she's my age. So we're talking about Grandma Snookeems.
That's what I call women in that age group, because
they just say what they want to say, and you know,
they they lay it down and you know it's coming
from a very deep place, based on our upbringing, based
(07:23):
on our sense of right, based on our sense of whatever,
And if we haven't done our own internal work, then
we are right and you're wrong, and I'm gonna make
you wrong, and I'm gonna let you know you wrong.
That's Grandma snook Ems. Okay. If you've done your work
(07:43):
as an elder woman, as a wise woman, then you
understand that there's a distinction in the generations, and that
how you see it as a grandma, a great grandma,
a wise woman, is not how the younger generations see it.
Everything I did from the time I was sixteen on
(08:05):
up to you know, thirty five, my grandmother perceived it
as I was going straight to hell. When I wore
my booty shorts, I was defiling the Lord and I
was going to hell. And when I, you know, live
with a man without the benefit of marriage, the Lord
was outraged and I was going to hell. That's Grandma snookems.
(08:28):
She you know, she has a set of values. So
let me ask you a couple of questions and then
we'll see how we're going to unravel this. Let me
just say, let me announce this. There's going to come
a moment when I'm going to share with you the
most appropriate response to this, and you are not going
to like it. I just want you to know that
(08:51):
I know that already and that we'll work through it
when we get there. If you don't like it, you
tell me why and we'll work through it. Okay, because
I can tell you right now at thirty, you are
not gonna like what I have to say. Okay. First,
first question, Okay, is your relationship with your grandmother an
important relationship in your life?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Okay? Why is it an important relationship? Listen to me, listen,
listen my relationship with my nana and see. I know
it's important because when you call her Nana. That's a
whole that's a whole thing. Okay. My relationship with myne
Nana is important to me, because that's what I want
(09:34):
you to say, My relationship with my nana. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
My relationship with my nana is important to me because
she was very instrumental in my upbringing and all the
successes that I have now is because of her teachings
and her support when I came out. She was someone who,
(09:58):
you know, really covered me through some very troubling time. Yeah.
Like she's just somebody who is like has always been
there for me throughout my entire life, you know, like
she's like she's my second mother.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So if I can translate that, and you tell me
if this is accurate, and if it's not, that's fine,
we can retranslate it. My relationship with my Nana is
important to me because of how she has stood for
me and stood with me. My relationship with my Nana
is important because of what she has taught me. My
(10:41):
relationship with my Nana is important to me because of
the value that she has brought into my life. Does
that cover it?
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, that feels a little different.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Right mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Yeah, we'll talk more about it when we come back.
Welcome back, I am yan len. This is the R spot.
So your relationship with your nana is important to you. Yes,
let me ask you this question. Do you value your
(11:21):
nana as a person? Yes, go ahead, tell me why.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Well. I value her as a person because I this
is a kind of a complex question for me. One
is I think she's someone who is uh sometimes misunderstood,
and because of our closeness, I sometimes really know her.
(11:48):
I know what she's been through. I know that you
know how she was raised is very different from her sisters.
And I know the way that she feels in regard
to how and you know, and and where she stays
and and our family and some of the dissonance that
exists there. And so I see her humanity as well.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
This is the very first time her and I have
like really sort of been at odds in my entire life.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
So and that's painful, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Okay, So I value my Nana because of our connection.
I value my Nana because I know her heart. I
value my Nana because I appreciate and understand her story
and her history. I value my Nana because sometimes people
(12:49):
don't appreciate who she is and what she brings to
the table. Does that get it all?
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Okay, Now this question is a little more difficult, but
so I want you to just just think about it. Okay,
do you believe she values you? It doesn't matter what
the answer is. Do you believe she values you.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
That's a good question. I would say she does.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
And what is the evidence that you have for that?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
I think throughout my life, especially like in my later twenties,
you know, like there's some conversations that we've been able
to have, you know, particularly as it returns, like what
it means to be like black and black and gay,
and like she's asked me questions about that experience and
(13:47):
about just like you know, like he's ask me questions
about my life as she's trying to like gain understanding
as a baby boomer, you know, and like what it
means for me to live my life as a millennial,
and like some of the different opinions that you know,
and differences that we have in our generation. And so
(14:09):
there are there have been some moments in which she
has asked me about to clarify certain experiences or certain
thoughts that I may have.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Had, So she didn't condemn you, she didn't judge you.
She made inquiries. So she values your life experience, she
values your story, and she has made efforts to understand.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Yes, but I will say that if she disagrees or
something just doesn't sit right with her, she's gonna let
me know.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Like Grandma Snookums, Grandma Snookems, that's what they do, that's
what they do. Sniggles is going to let you know,
and she's gonna hold her.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Position, absolutely, absolutely hold it down.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
But does she does she throw you under the bus?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
No? Oh, she doesn't throw me under the buzz Okay,
But I will say that there's like I've seen her
do it to others, and I think that that particularly
my mom that I think like also sits with me sometimes,
so like I've never been on this side of the table,
(15:22):
but I've seen this exact scenario play out with my
mom throughout our upbreak.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Well, don't pay that no mind, because as a male,
you will never understand. You will never understand that breakdown
because children bring to life the subconscious issues of the parents.
So your mom brings to life the subconscious issues that
(15:49):
Grandma Snookkelms has about herself. So the things that she
sees in your mom she doesn't like are probably the
things about herself she has never accepted understood. So that tension,
that tension you you, you can't do nothing with that.
And I can imagine watching the way she may treat
or ill treat your Mother's difficult for you as a man.
(16:12):
But just breathe and pray. So what I'm hearing you say, beloved,
is that your relationship with your nana is an important relationship.
I'm hearing you say that your you value your gramm,
your nana as a person, and you believe she values
you as a person. Is that accurate? Okay, here's the
(16:34):
other question. Are you willing? Now this is probably the
one that you're not gonna like. So it's okay, are
you willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for the
current state of your relationship? One hundred percent responsibility? I
(16:56):
am That would be a no. That would be a no.
You took too long to answer. Okay, go ahead, ask
me what you want to ask me, which is probably
why do I have to take one hundred percent responsibility?
Speaker 2 (17:13):
That is a question?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yes, yeah, that's the question. I know these questions Okay,
why because each person in the relationship is one hundred
percent responsible for the state of the relationship, each person.
But I'm not talking to Grandma, I'm not talking to Nana.
(17:35):
I'm talking to you. Yeah, so you have to look
at you and take one hundred percent responsibility for this breakdown,
even if you don't understand what she did or why
she did it, or what you did or what you
should have done, or just say I accept responsibility. I'm
responsible for it all, and then we can look at
(17:59):
how it is that you can begin to approach it. Now.
If I were talking to her, I would ask her
the same question, But I ain't talking to her, talking
to me. Yeah, so I can't give you sixty percent
of forty percent of seventy five percent. You have to
accept one hundred percent of the responsibility for your thoughts,
(18:20):
your feelings, your behaviors, your actions, your reactions, your responses,
your speaking that has caused this breakdown in the relationship.
We're not talking about right, wrong, fair, unfair. We're talking
about how you showed up in the moment and contributed
to the state of the relationship. Can you take one
(18:42):
hundred percent responsibility for that?
Speaker 2 (18:44):
I can take one hundred responsibility for.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
That, okay, because you thought she was wrong, you thought
she shouldn't have did it, you were embarrassed, you tried
to correct her. That's what we're asking you to take
responsibility for.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yeah, not for what.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
She said or didn't say or First of all, I'm
just shocked and horrified that grandma was on Facebookaddy, and
she's in my age group. I don't be on Facebook
talking about people. I can't even I'm you know what
I'm I am actually impressed that she knew what Facebook was.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Well, when you're retired, you know what I mean, you
sometimes find things to.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Do and well, big up to Grandma, Big up to grandma. Okay,
So you are willing to accept one hundred percent responsibility
for your thoughts, your reaction, your feelings, your judgments, your whatever.
One hundred percent. Very good. That's good. Now let me
ask you the final question. Are you willing to do
(19:51):
the work to heal this relationship no matter what Grandma does.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
I'm scared, but I am Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
That's all we have to do. We don't have to
be scared. It's an important relationship to you. You value her,
You're willing to take responsibility, and you're willing to do
the work. So the first work you have to do
is eliminate all judgments. You judged what she did as wrong.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
M hm.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Is that accurate?
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Okay, that's a judgment. It's your judgment. Yes, Understanding who
she is that you value, understanding her story, understanding what
she's contributed to your life, how she stood with you,
how she stood for you, how she's made the attempts
(20:49):
to understand you. The people that she was disturbed with
by their behavior, which Grandma Snookums would be. And when
I say Snookums, I'm talking about a general population of
elder women. Okay, snookes. How she did that, you said
that was wrong. Knowing her story, understanding her experience, understanding
(21:13):
where she's come from, you judged her as wrong and
didn't give.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Her the.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Privilege of expressing herself m which she gave you when
you came out. There were people who thought you were wrong.
Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
That would be accurate.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Oh so why wouldn't you afford her the same privilege
that she has afforded you? Can you see what I'm
saying here? Yes, I'm not saying what you did was
wrong or what you said was wrong. I'm asking you
to accept responsibility for it and get on hers get
(21:56):
on the same side of the table with her. You
didn't have to like it, and you certainly had. You
certainly had the right to voice to her you didn't
like it, but understanding who she is and where she
came from and what her story was, it was the
judgment of it. Tell me what you hear me saying.
(22:16):
I want to make sure we got this.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
So what I hear you saying is that it's not
that my opinion of what she said was wrong. It
was what was behind the opinion that caused a big
breakdown more than anything.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Damn got it? Do you forgive yourself for that?
Speaker 2 (22:39):
I need to?
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Yeah, you can.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
And again we're not we're raising this up. This is
not about right or wrong. It's just about looking at
the entire picture, getting on the same side of the
table of something that you value. That doesn't mean you
have to silence yourself or hold yourself back. You have
absolutely had the right. The thing is, and these are
(23:06):
the four questions that you have to be mindful of.
So what do we do now? We'll talk about that
right after this break Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's pick up where we left are. When you spoke
(23:28):
to Nana about her Facebook post, and like I said,
I'm impressed that Nana was on Facebook. That would have
made me happier than what she said. She didn't mention
your name, she didn't talk about you. She was talking
about people she probably don't even know. And you know,
if they see it, they see it. If they don't,
(23:49):
they don't. What the heck. She's sixty eight years old,
She's got a right to her opinion. You know, when
the people get on Facebook and talk about people well
they don't know, and cancel people and condemn people, you know,
everybody's in their judgment. So I'm not saying you were
(24:09):
wrong in what you were saying. What I'm saying is
did something need to be said to her? Did it
need to be said by you? Did it need to
be said when you said it? And did you say
it in a way that Grandma Snookums could hear it?
Those are the four things. Did something need to be said?
(24:30):
Maybe something didn't need to be said, but did it
need to be said by you? Understanding your relationship with her,
understanding your value of her, understanding her value of you.
Did it need to be said by you or did
it need to be said by the people she was
talking about. Were you one of the people walking around
(24:52):
and talking during the service.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I certainly was not.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
So why did you feel you had to defend those
people she was talking about?
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Because I felt like in the moment that it well won.
If I'm mean, if I'm taking a responsibility, it's because
I felt embarrassed, that's right, and said, whoa, this is
your nana talking like this. And I said, whoa, Nana,
what's going on? So like I it is certainly because
the first reason because I was triggered by my own embarrassment.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, So you were not trying to
correct grandma. You was trying to cover yourself. I was
embarrassed by my grandmother when she came up to school
with her wig gone backwards. Okay, but Grandma Snookems was Russian.
She put the wig on the bangs was over her ear,
(25:47):
that was not on her forehead. And I was very
embarrassed by that. But I knew enough not to open
my mouth and say, Grandma's twist your wig around. I
knew that mm hmmm, because I know who she is,
I know her story, I know her experience, and I
valued her. So I'm loving her. I'm not caring about
(26:09):
what people are thinking and saying about her. Can you
hear me?
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1 (26:14):
And do you know how embarrassing it is to have
your grandma show up at the at the junior high
school with bangs over her ear and a safety pending
in the front of her dress.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Come on now, I would say that. The other thing
that I think is the second reason to the first
is I think that, you know, yeah, there might they
that the people that she was talking about maybe people
that we did not know, but the funeral who the
funeral you know was, you know, was my sister's grandmother.
(26:46):
That was folks that we didn't know. And so, like,
I think I also just like wanted to protect her
from any sort of backlash that may have had come
from that like pose that garnered a lot of attentions.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
So here's how you respond to that when they say,
whoa is this your nana? Yes, and you know she
comes from the OG. She's hard on it. You know,
we just have to forgive her. That's how you respond
to that. You don't get on their side and start
correcting her. You can't correct Grandma Snook them. You gotta
(27:21):
wait till the right time. Does something need to be said,
does it need to be said by me? Does it
need to be said now? And so, how she probably
received what you were saying was you were taking their
side against her m hm. And that's not what you
do in your relationship with someone that has stood with
(27:44):
you and for you, someone of the og of the
old guard.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Can you see that? Yeah, I'm not making you wrong,
but I want you to see it from a broader perspective.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
Yes, that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Okay, So you got to forgive yourself for that. You
got to forgive yourself for being embarrassed by your grandmother.
You got to forgive yourself for thinking she has to
live up to some social more rays. Because you're all
millennials and young folk, you know you'll go along with it,
with the public opinion and all of that. Grandma Snooks
(28:19):
don't care nothing about that nothing. Let me ask you
a question. Do you know how to set a table
for a meal? Do you know how to set a table?
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Yes? Because she made me all.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Right, this is what I'm talking about, okay, mm hmm.
That's a value to you. And I'm also shocked in
hard fund that she used the F word out loud,
the little church lady. She was having a bad day. Okay,
(28:53):
so here's your prescription, beloved. What does she like? What
does Grandma Snookums like? What does your nana like to she?
Speaker 2 (29:02):
She loves a good pound cake, she loves this dky perfume,
She loves soap operas, she loves she loves sentimental things
like picture frames of us and you know those types
of things.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Do you have a nice recent picture of you and her?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
I do?
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Maybe at the funeral. You know, has she seen the picture?
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Okay, So you're gonna go to the home goods or
somewhere and buy a really extravagant frame and put that
picture in it. Okay, and you're gonna get a pound cake,
and you're gonna call grandma and ask if you can
come over and bring her some stuff. And she might
say yes, she might say no, so you might have
to ask her a couple of times. You ask and say, okay,
well let me know when I got something for you,
(29:59):
I want to bring it over, just like nothing happened.
You want to bring it over. Okay, it might take
two or three times because Grandma Snooklm's gonna hold her ground, right,
And how you can disarm her is when you call
or when you email her or whatever you do. Say Grandma,
I know, Nana, I know I'm on your list because
that way you're acknowledging her. I know I'm on your list,
(30:22):
but I have some things that I want to bring
over for you. Let me know when I can come.
And she's not going to answer you the first time.
Two three days later, you write her again, Nana, I
know I'm still on your list, and that's okay, but
I have some things I want to bring to you.
I'm just telling you how to work Snookums down. You
got to get to her, okay, yeah, yeah yeah. And
(30:44):
when you go, you take that picture, you take the
pound CA, you go around soap opera time, or if
you don't want to watch the soap operas, go before,
or you can go with soap opera time. And then
when she sits down to watch, I didn't even know
soap operas was still on. Oh she's streaming him. Okay,
And when you get there, this is what you're going
(31:05):
to offer her, Nana, my relationship with you is important
in my life. I value who you are and everything
that you've been to me and done for me. And
I acknowledge that I have offended you, and I'm here
to ask for your forgiveness. She may give you a
(31:26):
little pushback, and then you have to ask her, Nana,
what do I need to do to fix this? How
can I make it better now? Because I don't. I'm
not happy with this going on between us. I acknowledge
that I offended you. That's all you have to say,
and let her say whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever she says.
(31:47):
Here's your party line. What do I have to do
to fix this? That's all. Don't fight to be right.
Don't tell her she was wrong.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Don't.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
And if you have to make any confession at all,
what you confesses. I said that because I was embarrassed
because people were judging you and I wanted to defend you,
and instead of defending you against them, I came after
you and I was wrong. How does this feel in
(32:23):
your body? Does this make sense to you? Can you
see where we're going here?
Speaker 2 (32:27):
I absolutely see where we're going, and it's definitely it's heavy,
but I understand the assignment.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
She's an elder, yeah, and she sees things a certain way.
And I don't know if she watched Diamla fix my life,
but I've dealt with many of them. She's probably hurt
that you took their side against her, and she heard
it as you telling her what to do, not as
(32:58):
you were trying to protect her from scorn and condemnation.
That none of that matters. This is an important relationship
in your life, and you value her and the relationship
and you're willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for
it no matter what she does. So the question becomes,
(33:21):
what do I need to do to fix this? If
you lift the judgment out of it that what she
did was wrong, that what she did she shouldn't have done,
that what she did, lift all of that out, and
the goal here is to be reconnected to your nana
because it's an important relationship. That's the goal. It doesn't
(33:44):
matter what she does, and you keep going in, she's
gone crack. I'm telling you, as a great grandma, a
woman of my age, I've got ten grandchildren and three
great grands great grants, so I know how to make
her crack. I'm just telling you these secrets. Don't ever
(34:05):
reveal them publicly. Notice ours is an important relationship, Nana.
I miss you, and I acknowledge that my approach to
this situation was wrong. What do I need to do
to fix this? I value you. This is an important relationship.
(34:30):
I miss you. Hell, she might bake you a pound
cake when you done with that her know you miss her? Yeah,
let her know you miss her, and you keep going in.
She'll crack. I know I'm on your list, but I
have some things for you.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Okay, Well I get her. Go find a pound.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Cake, get a good one. Yeah, it's I just want
you to understand you're not wrong. She's not wrong, but
the judgment underneath it, her judgment of the people, that's
her judgment. I can't deal with that because I'm not
talking to her. I'm talking to you, so I can
talk to you about your judgments, your emotions, your feelings
(35:15):
and how this happened and what you're willing to do.
It'll be fine, but don't let it keep going on.
Don't let it be a year and two years or whatever.
When you do a little work, you know, sit with
this for a couple of days, feel it, understand it,
was my embarrassment that made me challenge her. It was
my need to protect her that made me judge what
(35:37):
she did. It was my response to the people, that's
your nana. If I can sit with my grandmother with
her wig on crooked, you can sit with your grandma
when she uses the F bomb on Facebook. And again,
I'm really impressed that she's on Facebook.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
Yeah, We've had many of a sessions to walk her
through it. So I see the pronoun and you.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
Need to say to her, Nana, you know you gotta be.
I want you to be, not you gotta be. Don't
ever use gotta with grandma snookems. I want you to
be a little more mindful of things you put on
Facebook because they live forever, and I don't want, you know,
one day when we have to go to your funeral,
somebody's reminding somebody about the stuff you said on Facebook.
(36:27):
That stuff lives forever, Nana, So I just want you
to be mindful, okay, because I love you and I
don't want people talking bad about Minna.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
Yes, okay that I'm gonna steal that, thank.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
You, okay, Okay, Yeah, we all have to be careful
because people will whip that stuff out. Yeah, you'll be fine.
Tell me tell me something you know now that you
didn't know when you're called here today.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I didn't think about the judgment piece and taking accountability
for that, I think is a really important revelation for me.
Is like there's a you know, there's a difference between
like sharing what you think and like being explicit about
the intention behind that. So that's so that the judgment
(37:19):
does not you know, over like like supersede or it
doesn't taint.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
Yeah, it doesn't taint what it is that you're offering.
Judgments will do that as soon as you get in
the right, wrong, good, bad, fair, unfair? Should shouldn't that
the judgment is going to taint your intention for what
it is that you're doing. And also being clear about
there's something need to be said, there's something need to
be said, now does it need to be said by me?
(37:50):
And can I say it in a way I would
want to hear it. Those four things are very important
because it may have been another You know, Nana, you
got to be mindful about what you put on Facebook
because that list forever and people will see that and
they'll have all and I know you don't care about that,
But I care. I don't want people coming for you
because of something you put on Facebook in the hot moment. Mmmmmmm,
(38:15):
she's got to know you're on her side. She's upset
because you took their side against her right.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Oh man, communication.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Yes, sir, work, yeah, it is okay. But you've got
my secrets for cracking Grandma's heart. Don't ever share them
with anybody else in the world.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
Hold it close to me, Hold it close.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
Okay, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay,
alrighty bye bye. In life, we are in relationship with
so many people, and when it is an important relationship,
it is our duty and responsibility to remember who we
(39:07):
are dealing with and meet people where they are. You
can't always meet everybody in the same place. But when
you value the relationship and when you value the person,
when it is an important relationship and you find yourself
and in the midst of a breakdown in that relationship,
(39:32):
your first step is to get on the same side
of the table with the other person and look out
and see things from their perspective. Now, I'm not saying
that you have to compromise your values, compromise your beliefs,
I'm not saying you have to bow down a cowtow
to make somebody else happy. I'm saying, get on the
(39:54):
same side of the table and look out at the
situation from their perspective, so that you can align with
the person you value and so that you can be
of value in the important relationships in your life. You
can't talk to everybody the same way, you can't handle
(40:17):
everybody the same way. And sometimes we're so busy and
we're so caught up in the way we see it
and the way we think about it is we think
people are going to respond to what we're offering the
way we think they should. No. No, get on the
same side of the table. Consider the person's age, their relationships,
(40:39):
their history, but most important, consider the value that they
are in your life and deal with them from that perspective.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seventy five zero
(41:00):
seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow
me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces favor.
The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
(41:25):
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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