August 17, 2022 • 28 mins
Two callers seek Iyanla’s guidance on navigating their relationships with their husbands, each for very different reasons: Diane’s husband had a stroke and now she is the primary caregiver, and Maggie’s lost trust in her husband after a financial loss. Iyanla’s expertise may help return these two women to love within themselves or their relationships.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love a holic, but just could not get
my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks
and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love
is and what it is not. I want to share
(00:23):
some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to
the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. I remember the day I was
(00:48):
walking in the parking lot of them all and saw
what I thought was a man being physical with the woman.
From where I was standing, it looked like he was
pushing her, and being from Brooke Lynn, I could not
walk away, so I walked over so I could see
and hear what was going on. As I got closer,
(01:09):
I could see that he wasn't fighting her. She was
fighting him and he was trying to calm her down.
Then I noticed the man was crying, tears were streaming
down his face and the woman was blasting him with
foul language. Our eyes met, he saw me, and without
(01:31):
saying a word, I knew he needed help. I asked
him something I'm not I'm not really sure, and he
said to me, she has dementia. She doesn't know where
we are. I asked what's her name? And he told
me so. I stepped in. I said, hi, Ms Lorraine,
you want to go shopping with me? She immediately turned
(01:51):
her attention to me. She responded with something about dogs
and how Mr Howard had taken her rickles. I took
her by the hand and just started walking through the
rolls of cars. She was definitely in a mantic state,
but somehow I captured her attention and she calmed down.
(02:13):
Mister Howard followed us, and after several minutes she turned
saw Mr Howard and said, are you gonna take me
to the store? He said yes. She dropped my hand
and walked away with him. And that was the first
time I realized the stress and pain of spouses or
(02:33):
partners who become caregivers. Now, long before the pandemic, when
a record number of people passed away or became debilitated, husbands,
wives and long term partners found their roles shifting from
lover and companion to caregiver. Whether cancer or Parkinson's disease
(02:57):
or Alzheimer's or near fatal accidents that leave people debilitated
in a variety of ways, people get sick, health fails,
and when that happens, the nature and character of their
relationship with their partner changes. How do you navigate a
(03:18):
relationship when a partner becomes ill? In either case, the
question becomes do I want to do this or do
I think I should or have to do it? Because
that's really what's going to determine the quality of care.
It's going to determine how present you are with the
person that you're taking care of. That's what my next
(03:41):
caller had to deal with and struggle through. Was she
doing it because she wanted to or was she doing
it because she had to? It makes a difference. Welcome
to the art spot, beloved. How are you today? Your
mother defiled to you. It's good to hear your voice.
(04:02):
How are you? I'm blessed? Thank you, Thank you for
calling the our spot when we talk about all things relationships, challenges, issues, problems, upset.
Now which one do you have to die? Well? I've
been married for like fifteen years and my husband had
taken ill back and teach out and kick though. Thanksly,
(04:25):
I've been his full time here and give him thing
is I'll be just making sixty two nicks him seventy three.
I hear the older man, So I really I've been
um kind of what's called no nookie the Hawaiian No,
that's no work. So I need to know what to
(04:47):
do because think, you know, people have their opinions and
I I you know, I was thinking people's opinion. But
the thing is, I need a life. I need to
I mean, like, I take care of him and take
care of the house. I take care of everything. But
I've been neglecting myself even though I'm trying to do
stuff care but there are tires. I tell people, I
got feelers. I get horny like anybody else. What can
(05:10):
I do fail? Oh my god? Do you have a
prospect or are you just preparing for the future. It's
a little bit of both. I got my eye on someone,
but I'm not pushing it. You know what I'm saying,
because I've been married, but it's not a marriage anymore,
(05:33):
you know. Yeah. Now, let me ask you a question.
Is your husband disabled or is it he just doesn't
have the urge anymore. He had a skinnish joke and
he has He's in his middle stages of Alzheimer's. Okay,
so we're talking here. What uh, six years. Yeah, I
(05:55):
want to acknowledge you for something. You said, it's not
a marriage anymore. Tell me more about that. Tell me
why you think it's not a marriage anymore. Well, it's
a marriage on paper, but we've been through. We've been
through so much, and we almost got divorce because he
became very verbally abusive and then he worked up to
(06:17):
he was physically abusive. I had to side him off
of me, and I told him, if I'm gonna stay
with you the kids, you can't do any fighting because
I don't believe that God gave me to you to
go through. And he's been an uphill and downhill battle
with him, and I haven't aunt who praised me to
when his while she begged me, she started crying, don't
(06:39):
even don't even you. Gotta take care of him because
he needs you. God, He's gonna bless you later on
in life. I said, well, what about me? What about
my needs? Let me ask you this, what are your alternatives?
Because I'm not hearing you say and again, I want
to acknowledge you for this. I'm not hearing you complaining
(06:59):
about taking care of him. I'm hearing you yearning to
take care of yourself on all levels. So what are
your alternatives? Do you have any alternatives? Or do you
have to stay because you just have to Well, basically
this is just my belief that I have to stay too,
because I had honored my marriage vow for in sickness
(07:21):
and in health, and so I just I stayed with him,
I guess because I felt it was the right thing
to do. You know what I'm saying. It may be
the right thing to do, but is it right for you?
I got a question mark on there for myself because
sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no. What
(07:42):
is the truth? My truth is my tress has always
been always through the right thing according to the word
of You know, the the Bible talks about your marriage.
Let me talk to you as a minister today, because
I think you have the wedding vowels and scriptural authority.
A little bit confused. The wedding vows which do not
(08:06):
come out of the Bible. They have referred to several
scriptures in the Bible say in sickness and health till
death do you part? But death of what depth of connection?
Death of communication? Death of intimacy? Because when I'm hearing
you say as you aptly put it, it's not a
(08:26):
marriage anymore. It's two people together because the marriage, beloved,
it's not the word you speak. It's the joining of
the souls. That's the covenant. The covenant is the joining
of the souls in the eyes of the creator. Is
your soul still joined to his soul? No? I can't.
(08:48):
We we we cannot. Okay, there's no intercourse. But is
their communication very little? Because so he's a phasic. Is
he making a financial contribution? Yes, ma'am, he's retired, so
the money that comes in I manage it very well. Oh,
(09:10):
so he's providing for you. So there's no communication, there's
no intimacy, there's no protection. Can he help you make
joint decisions about the welfare of the home, the kids,
the car. Can he help you make a joint decision? No, ma'am,
I'm a So it sounds to me like you're the
(09:31):
only one participating here. Now. I'm not blaming him, and
I'm not telling you to leave your marriage. Please don't
hear that. What I heard you say is it's not
a marriage anymore. And your responsibility, what I think you're
leaning on is as his life partner, his wife and
(09:53):
the covenant you made is that you want to provide
for him and make sure he is safe, to make
sure he's taken care of, to make sure he's not alone.
But that doesn't mean that you have to be the
one to provide the care. That's why I asked you.
Is there an alternative? Is there assistant living as a possibility?
(10:17):
Is bringing in a home healthcare worker a possibility? I mean,
what are the alternatives to you being there every single day?
I did that back in two thousands, seventeen and eighteen.
I was able to be the whole summer off. But
like I said, when COVID hid, he's not sick enough
even going to go through the emergencies room, they won't
(10:38):
even accept it. And I haven't had a vacation in
two years. Okay, let me just say this, beloving, and
I want you to tell me the truth. I don't
care what it is. We're going to work it out. Okay,
what do you want at this very moment? I want
a vacation, some time off for myself to to be
(11:00):
with me. Just do what I want to do, you know,
just do me right there, right there. I want freedom,
I want time off. I want freedom, and what else.
I really want a life partner, Somebody can travel with
and be with, Somebody can hold me, and somebody sometimes
(11:20):
it just take care of me, take care of my
personal needs. And so you want time off, you want freedom,
you want companionship, and you want intimacy. Those are the
things you want, and those are perfectly normal things for
a sixty one year old woman to desire for herself.
What you're bumping up against is your beliefs about what
(11:44):
you have to do, and that is taking priority over
what you want to do. You're in an obligatory relationship
with your husband. It's about obligation and not about choice.
So that we're real eire here what you want time off, freedom, companionship, intimacy,
(12:07):
freedom to take care of you. Those are the things
that you're going to have to tick off, one thing
at a time, and we're going to talk about how
to do that when we come back. Welcome back to
the our spot. I want to take the focus off
(12:29):
of him. This is God's son, and the Creator knows
exactly what his path is. The Creator put you two
together for such a time as this, for such a
time as this. Your issue here may not be him
at all the issue maybe am I supposed to take
(12:52):
care of my husband? The issue could possibly be can
I be a priority in my own life? Well, I
want to repeat something back to you, and I want
to ingrain this in your consciousness because you spoke your
answer right out of your mouth, and now it becomes
(13:13):
about you taking the steps required to take care of yourself.
Thank you. This is not a marriage anymore. You have
to surrender the belief that you are required to sacrifice
your well being in order to achieve his well being.
(13:33):
Because when you do that, beloved, when you sacrifice yourself
for someone else, you make that other person a thief
without them even knowing it. He's stealing your sense of
self actualization. He's stealing your sense of well being. I mean,
you're giving it to him, but because he's receiving it,
(13:54):
he's the thief. Do you understand that? Do you understand
what I'm saying? This is not a marriage. There are
not two people present here making conscious choices and decisions.
There's no vision, there's no communication, there's no intimacy, there's
no protection. This is not a marriage anymore. So, even
(14:18):
though you're willing to be there and to provide care
for him. You also have a responsibility to yourself because
your first relationship is with you. You have a responsibility
to yourself to make sure you get time off, to
make sure you experience the freedom of being with yourself
(14:41):
for yourself, by yourself. You have a responsibility to seek
and find companionship as a healthy, viable, sixty one year
old woman. And you have a responsibility to yourself to
create that intimacy you desire. And you don't have to
(15:03):
do that with someone that spits on you, that can't
talk back to you. That's not making sense, oh man.
That is this is not our marriage anymore. And are
you willing? I hear that you say you are willing
to live up to your covenant of marriage, which is
(15:25):
a meeting of the souls in the eyes of God.
So I'm not telling you to roll him in the
wheelchair out into the middle of the street. But I
am saying that there may be some alternatives, may be
assistant living as an alternative, or maybe whatever. But I
want to encourage you and invite you to open your
(15:46):
mind to some other possibilities and begin seeing and living
your life as a single woman so that you can
have time off for yourself so that you can experience
the free him of life and living that God gave you.
I spend all my life taking care of other people,
(16:07):
and now I want to take care of me. That's
the issue. I'm trying not to cry because this is
so emotional for me. Well, maybe you need to have
Maybe you need to cry. And you just gave me
my lesson and truth, and I appreciate that the truth
will set you free. And the truth is it's not
(16:29):
a marriage anymore, not in the traditional sense. Thank you
so much. Okay, my love, thank you for calling and
continue to listen to the our spot. And my hat
is off to all of you who have chosen to
stay when health impacts the character, the quality, the nature
(16:51):
of a loving relationship. And I have to be real
honest with you, I don't know if I could do it.
I really don't know. And the biggest thing for me
would be taking care of a person who may be
new in their capacity and their presence while mourning the
(17:11):
loss of the person I knew in love. I think
that my next caller has made something that was pretty
big and pretty catastrophic even bigger and more catastrophic when
it might just be a simple question, a simple gesture
that will turn it around. Greetings, we loved, Welcome to
(17:34):
the our spot, the place we talk about all kinds
of relationships. I understand you have a marriage you want
to talk about I do my husband. I have been
married a long time. Um, we're both in recovery. We've
worked really hard to build, you know, a nice life,
and uh, he ended up. He ended up buying a
(17:56):
lot of property, and of course, twelve years ago, lost everything.
So we had started over. Me with a lot of feeling,
a lot of depression, so working on forgiveness, working on
trusting him, and now being married twenty five years, trying
to get back together. And I wasn't always so um,
(18:18):
loving and caring about it. So okay, I just say,
you lost everything? What does that mean? We lost our homes,
we lost our money in O eight and O nine
when everything fell apart in Florida, they were in Florida
and everything about and he had put and I blamed
(18:40):
him because he put everything, you know, he spent it
all and I was with him, so I have to
own some of that. But very angry because he had if.
I felt like he was gambling and we ended up
with after working for twenty years, working really hard building
our life. We lost our financial but it was hard
(19:03):
to forgive him. Now you say get back together, what
does that mean meaning connecting again? We're not connecting. Where
we lived together, we stayed together, we talked to each other.
We didn't for a long time, and we're together and
to put the past behind us. Because I was very angry.
(19:28):
I was very I feel that I hurt him a lot.
I heard I feel like I heard him and blames him.
And I don't really know a step and trust me anymore,
even though he tells me he does. But we were
not together intimately. And and I know that we love
(19:50):
I know I love him, I truly I think he
loves me. He tells me, he shows me. You know,
sometimes we take a simple problem and we make it
so complicated because of the narrative we put behind it.
Have you ever just took his face in your hands
or put him in your bosoms and said, what do
(20:11):
we need to do to reconnect? What would it take
for you? Have you ever done that? I have not,
oh igine that. Yeah, you know what. I I was angry,
and I said a lot of things, some of them
still haunt me, and I think I think that they
hurt you. I mean you, you come up with your
(20:31):
own script. But I'm just saying, if you loved here's
the thing that women don't understand. And I always say this.
I always say this the women, and it's a little crass.
So please forgive me, Okay. I don't always say that
she who owns the madam rules the roost. You know
what the madam is? Poonani? You got the poonanni. You
(20:53):
know what the poonanni is, right, okay, So you rule? Okay?
And when you open your heart, because you're coming from
a really authentic, vulnerable place, when you open your heart
and you make the ponanni available, a man is powerless.
(21:19):
And when you make the ponanni available, whether he takes
advantage of it or not, it's just that you know
it's here if you want it. If not, Hey, But
when you open your heart to him and say what
do we need to do to reconnect? I miss you?
(21:41):
Don't you miss him? I don't know. I wonder if
I I hope I've forgiven him. Then we'll talk about
that when we come back. Welcome back to the arts. Fine,
(22:03):
he's wounded. Your beloved is wounded, and you have to
not only be his soft place to fall. He has
to know that you are willing to sit in that
wound with him. You have to be willing to sit
in the wound, not judge him. And the two of you, well,
(22:24):
you'll heal the wound together. Let him know you miss him.
Remind him of when it was good. I miss us
being you know, in the sun. I miss us eating
pizza out the box, whatever it is. I mean, I
don't know what y'all did, but I miss you. And
all the houses and all the money and all the
(22:45):
things in the world don't replace you. I want you back.
What is it going to take? Just ask it, yes,
as opposed to calling me I don't. I don't know
you at all. You've been with this man twenty five
He is asking what he wants, and then the two
of you can come up with a plan if you
(23:06):
really want him and you really miss him, Because what
it sounds like is you're trying to figure out the
plan so you can do it. But you've got to
get on the same side of the table with him.
I have to be on the same side of the table.
That's right. Right now, you're on the opposite side of
the table. I am tell me what you hear me saying.
Tell me I am hearing that I need to be
(23:30):
with him, and he is wounded, and I have to
be with him and bring my heart to him and
love him and be in that with him together and
be together. He may not know right now what it's
going to take, so be willing to ask him more
than once. You know what your your safe place for
(23:52):
him is. You put his head right between your bosoms.
You got bosoms, okay, good, Let me tell you why
you're gonna put your his head. Just say, come here,
lay his head right there at the cleavage point. You
know why, because that's when he's gonna hear your heart beat.
(24:16):
And let me tell you why that's important. Because the
first sound he ever heard in life was his mother's heartbeat,
was the first sound in the womb when his brain
clicked on. He didn't even have ears yet, but he
could hear her heartbeat. When you lay a man's head
(24:37):
in the middle of your bosoms and he hears that heartbeat, baby,
that's it. That's game over, game over. My heart's feeling it.
His heart will feel it. Yeah, So don't make it
more complicated than it needs to be. And don't try
to do this by yourself. Get on the same side
(24:58):
of the table with him. It definitely been on the
other side. Okay, there you go. Yes, thank you so much.
I didn't know what to take the time when it's right,
don't you know? Just go home, and they said, come me,
I gotta tell you something, right, come in, put your
(25:23):
head in my busy. You know, asked the divine Mother
to be with you and guide you and tell you
the perfect time. If you've got to sit next to
him on the sofa, and if he's in the other
room and you need to go in there and sit
in his lap, you'll know when the time is right.
(25:45):
Just open your heart and be available. Just tell him
I miss you and I want to know what it's
gonna take for us to reconnect, and then confess I
know I've created you badly, I know I've been angry.
I'm not even sure if I've forgiven you yet, but
I miss you. You can do that, right, okay, yes
(26:10):
you can. I want you to call me and let
me know how it works out. Okay, okay, alright, and
you know what, when you get ready to do that,
put a little perfume between the bosoms. I will all right,
(26:31):
my darling, call me and let me know how it
works out. You know, sometimes when there's a breakdown in
a relationship or an upset in a relationship, particularly if
it comes on the heels of bad behavior or mistake
of some kind, we can turn it into such a
(26:51):
catastrophic event. Not only does that eat a way at
the fibers of the relationship, it can eat a way
at our common sets. Sometimes we make something big where
just the small energy or effect, just the smallest truth
will turn the whole thing around. Well, everything must change,
(27:15):
and relationships do that all the time. I hope this
has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
on social media for all of the calling times, and
(27:36):
until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The Our
Spot is a production of Shonda land Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
(27:58):
you listen to favorite shows.
I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love a holic, but just could not get
my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks
and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love
is and what it is not. I want to share
(00:23):
some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to
the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. I remember the day I was
(00:48):
walking in the parking lot of them all and saw
what I thought was a man being physical with the woman.
From where I was standing, it looked like he was
pushing her, and being from Brooke Lynn, I could not
walk away, so I walked over so I could see
and hear what was going on. As I got closer,
(01:09):
I could see that he wasn't fighting her. She was
fighting him and he was trying to calm her down.
Then I noticed the man was crying, tears were streaming
down his face and the woman was blasting him with
foul language. Our eyes met, he saw me, and without
(01:31):
saying a word, I knew he needed help. I asked
him something I'm not I'm not really sure, and he
said to me, she has dementia. She doesn't know where
we are. I asked what's her name? And he told
me so. I stepped in. I said, hi, Ms Lorraine,
you want to go shopping with me? She immediately turned
(01:51):
her attention to me. She responded with something about dogs
and how Mr Howard had taken her rickles. I took
her by the hand and just started walking through the
rolls of cars. She was definitely in a mantic state,
but somehow I captured her attention and she calmed down.
(02:13):
Mister Howard followed us, and after several minutes she turned
saw Mr Howard and said, are you gonna take me
to the store? He said yes. She dropped my hand
and walked away with him. And that was the first
time I realized the stress and pain of spouses or
(02:33):
partners who become caregivers. Now, long before the pandemic, when
a record number of people passed away or became debilitated, husbands,
wives and long term partners found their roles shifting from
lover and companion to caregiver. Whether cancer or Parkinson's disease
(02:57):
or Alzheimer's or near fatal accidents that leave people debilitated
in a variety of ways, people get sick, health fails,
and when that happens, the nature and character of their
relationship with their partner changes. How do you navigate a
(03:18):
relationship when a partner becomes ill? In either case, the
question becomes do I want to do this or do
I think I should or have to do it? Because
that's really what's going to determine the quality of care.
It's going to determine how present you are with the
person that you're taking care of. That's what my next
(03:41):
caller had to deal with and struggle through. Was she
doing it because she wanted to or was she doing
it because she had to? It makes a difference. Welcome
to the art spot, beloved. How are you today? Your
mother defiled to you. It's good to hear your voice.
(04:02):
How are you? I'm blessed? Thank you, Thank you for
calling the our spot when we talk about all things relationships, challenges, issues, problems, upset.
Now which one do you have to die? Well? I've
been married for like fifteen years and my husband had
taken ill back and teach out and kick though. Thanksly,
(04:25):
I've been his full time here and give him thing
is I'll be just making sixty two nicks him seventy three.
I hear the older man, So I really I've been
um kind of what's called no nookie the Hawaiian No,
that's no work. So I need to know what to
(04:47):
do because think, you know, people have their opinions and
I I you know, I was thinking people's opinion. But
the thing is, I need a life. I need to
I mean, like, I take care of him and take
care of the house. I take care of everything. But
I've been neglecting myself even though I'm trying to do
stuff care but there are tires. I tell people, I
got feelers. I get horny like anybody else. What can
(05:10):
I do fail? Oh my god? Do you have a
prospect or are you just preparing for the future. It's
a little bit of both. I got my eye on someone,
but I'm not pushing it. You know what I'm saying,
because I've been married, but it's not a marriage anymore,
(05:33):
you know. Yeah. Now, let me ask you a question.
Is your husband disabled or is it he just doesn't
have the urge anymore. He had a skinnish joke and
he has He's in his middle stages of Alzheimer's. Okay,
so we're talking here. What uh, six years. Yeah, I
(05:55):
want to acknowledge you for something. You said, it's not
a marriage anymore. Tell me more about that. Tell me
why you think it's not a marriage anymore. Well, it's
a marriage on paper, but we've been through. We've been
through so much, and we almost got divorce because he
became very verbally abusive and then he worked up to
(06:17):
he was physically abusive. I had to side him off
of me, and I told him, if I'm gonna stay
with you the kids, you can't do any fighting because
I don't believe that God gave me to you to
go through. And he's been an uphill and downhill battle
with him, and I haven't aunt who praised me to
when his while she begged me, she started crying, don't
(06:39):
even don't even you. Gotta take care of him because
he needs you. God, He's gonna bless you later on
in life. I said, well, what about me? What about
my needs? Let me ask you this, what are your alternatives?
Because I'm not hearing you say and again, I want
to acknowledge you for this. I'm not hearing you complaining
(06:59):
about taking care of him. I'm hearing you yearning to
take care of yourself on all levels. So what are
your alternatives? Do you have any alternatives? Or do you
have to stay because you just have to Well, basically
this is just my belief that I have to stay too,
because I had honored my marriage vow for in sickness
(07:21):
and in health, and so I just I stayed with him,
I guess because I felt it was the right thing
to do. You know what I'm saying. It may be
the right thing to do, but is it right for you?
I got a question mark on there for myself because
sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no. What
(07:42):
is the truth? My truth is my tress has always
been always through the right thing according to the word
of You know, the the Bible talks about your marriage.
Let me talk to you as a minister today, because
I think you have the wedding vowels and scriptural authority.
A little bit confused. The wedding vows which do not
(08:06):
come out of the Bible. They have referred to several
scriptures in the Bible say in sickness and health till
death do you part? But death of what depth of connection?
Death of communication? Death of intimacy? Because when I'm hearing
you say as you aptly put it, it's not a
(08:26):
marriage anymore. It's two people together because the marriage, beloved,
it's not the word you speak. It's the joining of
the souls. That's the covenant. The covenant is the joining
of the souls in the eyes of the creator. Is
your soul still joined to his soul? No? I can't.
(08:48):
We we we cannot. Okay, there's no intercourse. But is
their communication very little? Because so he's a phasic. Is
he making a financial contribution? Yes, ma'am, he's retired, so
the money that comes in I manage it very well. Oh,
(09:10):
so he's providing for you. So there's no communication, there's
no intimacy, there's no protection. Can he help you make
joint decisions about the welfare of the home, the kids,
the car. Can he help you make a joint decision? No, ma'am,
I'm a So it sounds to me like you're the
(09:31):
only one participating here. Now. I'm not blaming him, and
I'm not telling you to leave your marriage. Please don't
hear that. What I heard you say is it's not
a marriage anymore. And your responsibility, what I think you're
leaning on is as his life partner, his wife and
(09:53):
the covenant you made is that you want to provide
for him and make sure he is safe, to make
sure he's taken care of, to make sure he's not alone.
But that doesn't mean that you have to be the
one to provide the care. That's why I asked you.
Is there an alternative? Is there assistant living as a possibility?
(10:17):
Is bringing in a home healthcare worker a possibility? I mean,
what are the alternatives to you being there every single day?
I did that back in two thousands, seventeen and eighteen.
I was able to be the whole summer off. But
like I said, when COVID hid, he's not sick enough
even going to go through the emergencies room, they won't
(10:38):
even accept it. And I haven't had a vacation in
two years. Okay, let me just say this, beloving, and
I want you to tell me the truth. I don't
care what it is. We're going to work it out. Okay,
what do you want at this very moment? I want
a vacation, some time off for myself to to be
(11:00):
with me. Just do what I want to do, you know,
just do me right there, right there. I want freedom,
I want time off. I want freedom, and what else.
I really want a life partner, Somebody can travel with
and be with, Somebody can hold me, and somebody sometimes
(11:20):
it just take care of me, take care of my
personal needs. And so you want time off, you want freedom,
you want companionship, and you want intimacy. Those are the
things you want, and those are perfectly normal things for
a sixty one year old woman to desire for herself.
What you're bumping up against is your beliefs about what
(11:44):
you have to do, and that is taking priority over
what you want to do. You're in an obligatory relationship
with your husband. It's about obligation and not about choice.
So that we're real eire here what you want time off, freedom, companionship, intimacy,
(12:07):
freedom to take care of you. Those are the things
that you're going to have to tick off, one thing
at a time, and we're going to talk about how
to do that when we come back. Welcome back to
the our spot. I want to take the focus off
(12:29):
of him. This is God's son, and the Creator knows
exactly what his path is. The Creator put you two
together for such a time as this, for such a
time as this. Your issue here may not be him
at all the issue maybe am I supposed to take
(12:52):
care of my husband? The issue could possibly be can
I be a priority in my own life? Well, I
want to repeat something back to you, and I want
to ingrain this in your consciousness because you spoke your
answer right out of your mouth, and now it becomes
(13:13):
about you taking the steps required to take care of yourself.
Thank you. This is not a marriage anymore. You have
to surrender the belief that you are required to sacrifice
your well being in order to achieve his well being.
(13:33):
Because when you do that, beloved, when you sacrifice yourself
for someone else, you make that other person a thief
without them even knowing it. He's stealing your sense of
self actualization. He's stealing your sense of well being. I mean,
you're giving it to him, but because he's receiving it,
(13:54):
he's the thief. Do you understand that? Do you understand
what I'm saying? This is not a marriage. There are
not two people present here making conscious choices and decisions.
There's no vision, there's no communication, there's no intimacy, there's
no protection. This is not a marriage anymore. So, even
(14:18):
though you're willing to be there and to provide care
for him. You also have a responsibility to yourself because
your first relationship is with you. You have a responsibility
to yourself to make sure you get time off, to
make sure you experience the freedom of being with yourself
(14:41):
for yourself, by yourself. You have a responsibility to seek
and find companionship as a healthy, viable, sixty one year
old woman. And you have a responsibility to yourself to
create that intimacy you desire. And you don't have to
(15:03):
do that with someone that spits on you, that can't
talk back to you. That's not making sense, oh man.
That is this is not our marriage anymore. And are
you willing? I hear that you say you are willing
to live up to your covenant of marriage, which is
(15:25):
a meeting of the souls in the eyes of God.
So I'm not telling you to roll him in the
wheelchair out into the middle of the street. But I
am saying that there may be some alternatives, may be
assistant living as an alternative, or maybe whatever. But I
want to encourage you and invite you to open your
(15:46):
mind to some other possibilities and begin seeing and living
your life as a single woman so that you can
have time off for yourself so that you can experience
the free him of life and living that God gave you.
I spend all my life taking care of other people,
(16:07):
and now I want to take care of me. That's
the issue. I'm trying not to cry because this is
so emotional for me. Well, maybe you need to have
Maybe you need to cry. And you just gave me
my lesson and truth, and I appreciate that the truth
will set you free. And the truth is it's not
(16:29):
a marriage anymore, not in the traditional sense. Thank you
so much. Okay, my love, thank you for calling and
continue to listen to the our spot. And my hat
is off to all of you who have chosen to
stay when health impacts the character, the quality, the nature
(16:51):
of a loving relationship. And I have to be real
honest with you, I don't know if I could do it.
I really don't know. And the biggest thing for me
would be taking care of a person who may be
new in their capacity and their presence while mourning the
(17:11):
loss of the person I knew in love. I think
that my next caller has made something that was pretty
big and pretty catastrophic even bigger and more catastrophic when
it might just be a simple question, a simple gesture
that will turn it around. Greetings, we loved, Welcome to
(17:34):
the our spot, the place we talk about all kinds
of relationships. I understand you have a marriage you want
to talk about I do my husband. I have been
married a long time. Um, we're both in recovery. We've
worked really hard to build, you know, a nice life,
and uh, he ended up. He ended up buying a
(17:56):
lot of property, and of course, twelve years ago, lost everything.
So we had started over. Me with a lot of feeling,
a lot of depression, so working on forgiveness, working on
trusting him, and now being married twenty five years, trying
to get back together. And I wasn't always so um,
(18:18):
loving and caring about it. So okay, I just say,
you lost everything? What does that mean? We lost our homes,
we lost our money in O eight and O nine
when everything fell apart in Florida, they were in Florida
and everything about and he had put and I blamed
(18:40):
him because he put everything, you know, he spent it
all and I was with him, so I have to
own some of that. But very angry because he had if.
I felt like he was gambling and we ended up
with after working for twenty years, working really hard building
our life. We lost our financial but it was hard
(19:03):
to forgive him. Now you say get back together, what
does that mean meaning connecting again? We're not connecting. Where
we lived together, we stayed together, we talked to each other.
We didn't for a long time, and we're together and
to put the past behind us. Because I was very angry.
(19:28):
I was very I feel that I hurt him a lot.
I heard I feel like I heard him and blames him.
And I don't really know a step and trust me anymore,
even though he tells me he does. But we were
not together intimately. And and I know that we love
(19:50):
I know I love him, I truly I think he
loves me. He tells me, he shows me. You know,
sometimes we take a simple problem and we make it
so complicated because of the narrative we put behind it.
Have you ever just took his face in your hands
or put him in your bosoms and said, what do
(20:11):
we need to do to reconnect? What would it take
for you? Have you ever done that? I have not,
oh igine that. Yeah, you know what. I I was angry,
and I said a lot of things, some of them
still haunt me, and I think I think that they
hurt you. I mean you, you come up with your
(20:31):
own script. But I'm just saying, if you loved here's
the thing that women don't understand. And I always say this.
I always say this the women, and it's a little crass.
So please forgive me, Okay. I don't always say that
she who owns the madam rules the roost. You know
what the madam is? Poonani? You got the poonanni. You
(20:53):
know what the poonanni is, right, okay, So you rule? Okay?
And when you open your heart, because you're coming from
a really authentic, vulnerable place, when you open your heart
and you make the ponanni available, a man is powerless.
(21:19):
And when you make the ponanni available, whether he takes
advantage of it or not, it's just that you know
it's here if you want it. If not, Hey, But
when you open your heart to him and say what
do we need to do to reconnect? I miss you?
(21:41):
Don't you miss him? I don't know. I wonder if
I I hope I've forgiven him. Then we'll talk about
that when we come back. Welcome back to the arts. Fine,
(22:03):
he's wounded. Your beloved is wounded, and you have to
not only be his soft place to fall. He has
to know that you are willing to sit in that
wound with him. You have to be willing to sit
in the wound, not judge him. And the two of you, well,
(22:24):
you'll heal the wound together. Let him know you miss him.
Remind him of when it was good. I miss us
being you know, in the sun. I miss us eating
pizza out the box, whatever it is. I mean, I
don't know what y'all did, but I miss you. And
all the houses and all the money and all the
(22:45):
things in the world don't replace you. I want you back.
What is it going to take? Just ask it, yes,
as opposed to calling me I don't. I don't know
you at all. You've been with this man twenty five
He is asking what he wants, and then the two
of you can come up with a plan if you
(23:06):
really want him and you really miss him, Because what
it sounds like is you're trying to figure out the
plan so you can do it. But you've got to
get on the same side of the table with him.
I have to be on the same side of the table.
That's right. Right now, you're on the opposite side of
the table. I am tell me what you hear me saying.
Tell me I am hearing that I need to be
(23:30):
with him, and he is wounded, and I have to
be with him and bring my heart to him and
love him and be in that with him together and
be together. He may not know right now what it's
going to take, so be willing to ask him more
than once. You know what your your safe place for
(23:52):
him is. You put his head right between your bosoms.
You got bosoms, okay, good, Let me tell you why
you're gonna put your his head. Just say, come here,
lay his head right there at the cleavage point. You
know why, because that's when he's gonna hear your heart beat.
(24:16):
And let me tell you why that's important. Because the
first sound he ever heard in life was his mother's heartbeat,
was the first sound in the womb when his brain
clicked on. He didn't even have ears yet, but he
could hear her heartbeat. When you lay a man's head
(24:37):
in the middle of your bosoms and he hears that heartbeat, baby,
that's it. That's game over, game over. My heart's feeling it.
His heart will feel it. Yeah, So don't make it
more complicated than it needs to be. And don't try
to do this by yourself. Get on the same side
(24:58):
of the table with him. It definitely been on the
other side. Okay, there you go. Yes, thank you so much.
I didn't know what to take the time when it's right,
don't you know? Just go home, and they said, come me,
I gotta tell you something, right, come in, put your
(25:23):
head in my busy. You know, asked the divine Mother
to be with you and guide you and tell you
the perfect time. If you've got to sit next to
him on the sofa, and if he's in the other
room and you need to go in there and sit
in his lap, you'll know when the time is right.
(25:45):
Just open your heart and be available. Just tell him
I miss you and I want to know what it's
gonna take for us to reconnect, and then confess I
know I've created you badly, I know I've been angry.
I'm not even sure if I've forgiven you yet, but
I miss you. You can do that, right, okay, yes
(26:10):
you can. I want you to call me and let
me know how it works out. Okay, okay, alright, and
you know what, when you get ready to do that,
put a little perfume between the bosoms. I will all right,
(26:31):
my darling, call me and let me know how it
works out. You know, sometimes when there's a breakdown in
a relationship or an upset in a relationship, particularly if
it comes on the heels of bad behavior or mistake
of some kind, we can turn it into such a
(26:51):
catastrophic event. Not only does that eat a way at
the fibers of the relationship, it can eat a way
at our common sets. Sometimes we make something big where
just the small energy or effect, just the smallest truth
will turn the whole thing around. Well, everything must change,
(27:15):
and relationships do that all the time. I hope this
has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
on social media for all of the calling times, and
(27:36):
until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The Our
Spot is a production of Shonda land Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
(27:58):
you listen to favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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