July 19, 2023 • 44 mins
A young man calls Iyanla this week, looking for help in navigating the relationships with his friends and family members who all seemingly turned on him unexpectedly. However, Iyanla gets to the heart of the issue and learns that the caller was keeping a few secrets, not only from her, but from his friends and family that might have caused the blow up.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
fact that I was not always good at making my
relationships perk. I have been divorced three times, twice from
the same person. In other words, I have seen a
lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
(00:23):
the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. When we get feedback from audio device sometime
(00:48):
on our phone or on the computer, it's like a loud,
screeching noise that we don't want to hear. That's the
same thing we do when we get feedback in our relationships,
and it usually comes to us in a very forceful, harmful,
dysfunctional way, but it's still feedback, and feedback is purposeful.
My next caller has some feedback and we're gonna dissect
(01:11):
it together. Listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the art Spot.
Thank you for calling in today. And what is your
relationship challenge, issue or dilemma?
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Oh boy? Okay, well, first, let me say thank you
so much for taking my call. And my dilemma is
I feel lost. I feel lost, and I don't know
what to do or feel or how to react to
the people that have decided to cut off ties with
(01:48):
me but now have reached out in hopes to reconnect,
and I just don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Okay, So you're lost because they left.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
I was lost when they left originally. And it's it's
been a couple of people, but majority like the one
that's hit me the most, or two cases, like one
was my cousin and one was my best friend from
like high school.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So what does that mean? Cut off times? What does
that mean? What did that look like?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
With my best friend, she had changed her phone number
and didn't tell me any of that. She changed her
phone number, blocked me on social media, and didn't bother
to call or text. And this was also around like
my birthday, which I kind of took a little personal
(02:47):
because I mean she didn't even say happy birthday to me,
and like this was also in the time that we
were arguing to say And same with my cousin. Really
he he yelled at me, called me names and stuff
like that and then also decided to block me. And
(03:08):
as until recently, both of them actually have reached out,
but I just haven't called them back or really texted
them because I don't know what to say or do.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Okay, what led up to that? Because I'm not gonna
believe that one morning both of them just or whatever
morning or day or Tuesday or Wednesday, they just woke
up and changed their numbers and block you. So what
led up to that?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Well, Okay, with me and my best friend, we were
kind of going through this growth period. We had a
lot of like I was holding a lot of secrets.
I was holding a lot of secrets. I'll admit that
I finally got the courage to talk to her, open
up about it, and we it seemedly we got pasted it.
(04:00):
But then as it seems like I kept opening up
to her, it seemed like the more I would open up,
the more judgmental it seemed like she would get towards me.
An example would be I, so.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
I okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute, Because I can feel your
nervous I can feel your nervousness. Yeah, so take a
breath and just relax, Take a breath and just relax.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
I don't bite. You can't even see me, okay, and
I'm not going to judge you. Let me ask you
a question.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
What is it that you don't want me to know?
M take a breath, Take a breath, Take a breath,
Take a breath. What is it that you don't want
me to know?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
What? What?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
What I don't want you to know is just you
know general. What I don't want you to know is what.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
What I don't want to know is Okay, I am
bisexual and it's it is hard for me to showcase
that to the world.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Okay, take a breath, Take a breath. Let's wait a minute.
Let's do this one step at a time. Okay, okay,
calm calm down. So you don't want me to know
that you're bisexual and that is difficult for you to
to to show that to the world. Okay? What that
leads me to believe? And I could be wrong. I
(05:48):
am more than willing to be wrong. That would say
to me that either you were inauthentic with your best
friend and your cousin, or you lied to your best
friend and your cousin, which one is?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
What was my best friend? I would say I was.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Okay, all right, right there, right wait a minute, right there,
right there, we want to we got you're taking on
two munch you're trying to eat the belt elephant and
one and one bite. Let's eat the elephant one bite
at a time. And we're not gonna start at the butt.
We're not gonna start at the nasty part of the elephant.
We're gonna start at the ear.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Okay, I can do that, Okay.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
So what I don't want you to know is that
I'm bisexual and I have some judgments about that. Is
that accurate judgments, judgments or fears? Okay, Shane, guilt? I
don't know one of those, all of them, all of
the buds or some of the bud Okay, So you've
(06:53):
got some fear about that, all right. So what I
don't want you to know is that I'm bisexual. And
what I don't want you to know is that I
have some fear attached to my bisexuality. What I don't
want you to know is that I lied to my
best friend.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Okay, all right, so there we go. Now I know
now I know what's next, Okay, So what one of
one of the things that led up to the breakdown
between you and your best friend is that you weren't honest.
One of the things that led up to the breakdown
between you and your cousin is that either you weren't
(07:30):
honest or you were inauthentic. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
No, not with my cousin. Not with my cousin. No,
but with my friend that is one hundred accurate.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Okay, So what led up to the breakdown between you
and your cousin? What is it that you didn't want
her to know? What is it that you didn't want
her to know?
Speaker 2 (07:50):
So it's interesting because my cousin, his name is Tyler.
We are we're close knit family because his father is
my dad's brother and his mother is my mother's sister,
and so we're like like and I don't have any
(08:11):
I didn't have any brothers, and so I was we
were really close and now growing up it seems like
it's been like a competition almost has a better life.
And as of recently, and what the breakdown was is
his mother sent a family group chat basically like slandering me,
(08:33):
saying that it's my fault that she has a bad
life and and can't afford to get a car loan,
and my cousin defended her, and he had said, oh,
I'm going to knock him off his high horse, and
I'm like, where is this coming from? I it was
(08:55):
this one was completely a blind side for me. And
so that's kind of what happened with my and then
they all kind of like jumped against me, like and
it was me against the world at that point.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Why would she say it's your fault that she can't
get a car loan.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
So being the only kid really in my family and
I have a couple of sisters and three other cousins,
I've been the only one that went to college, and
I had no other way of paying for college. You know,
my mom had bad credit, my dad had bad credit.
I didn't have no credit at the time. So my
(09:31):
aunt was able to sign off on a student loan
as a co signer with me. And and you didn't
pay it. Well, I mean, we were in a pandemic.
I have to at the time, and this is whatever
the breakdown was going on like this, And they didn't
(09:54):
quite understand that part either. And I'm also like trying
to make it myself, like I just got out of
house like I was finding into my own car that
I had bought, and so I was living on one
pay or income for myself to pay back all this
and living in America. It's hard, and I understand their point,
But it's not like I don't didn't want to or
(10:16):
it wasn't going to ever. It's just I didn't have
it to do yet. It wasn't my time, you know,
trying to get my life together.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
At the same time, your behavior had an impact on
her credit. Is that accurate without all the story, without
the pandemic and the loans and whatever she co signed
for a loan with you. That means you had an
agreement or a commitment to do something that you didn't do.
And the way she experiences that is because you didn't
(10:47):
do what you committed to do, it had a negative
impact on her period. HM. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yes, yes, it would be.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
So sit right there for a moment, not with all
the story, because some people think, oh, I can borrow
money if I don't pay the bank, it's okay. If
I don't pay my mother, it's okay. That's my mom.
She knows my story. Make believe your aunt is Bank
of America. They don't really give to snits about why
(11:20):
you're not honoring the agreement you made. Do you think
they care?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Yeah, so Auntie Bank of America now has a bad
debt on her books because you didn't honor your commitment.
Period m.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Now if Auntie Bank of America, if it was Bank
of America, what would they do?
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Harass me until I guess I'd work over keep.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
It simple, they would. Yeah, they would come after you
for the money. And what Auntie did to come after
you was she put it in the group chat. Period y.
But your thinking is, Auntie shouldn't have done that because
she knows I'm trying to make it. Bank of America
(12:08):
don't care that you're trying to make it. They trying
to make it too. Auntie shouldn't have said that about me. Well,
Bank of America now has a bad debt on their
books because of you. And yeah, it was the pandemic,
and yeah, it took the president a minute to cancel
all student debts and yeah, yeah, yeah, but Auntie Bank
of America has a bad debt on her records in
(12:30):
her books because you didn't do what you said you
would do. Period. It ain't personal, it's real. Right, we'll
talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
(12:51):
Take a breath. Okay, what's going on? What's that? Tell
me what's happening.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I'm just thinking about so I guess I know the
wrong that it's not.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Wrong, Beloved, It's not wrong, because that's going to lead
to blame and shame and guilt. It's not wrong. I
understand the choice I made, and I understand the consequence
of that choice.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Do you understand the choice that you made?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
And do you understand that choice had a consequence that
had a negative impact on somebody else?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I do yes.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Okay. Have you asked? Have you asked for forgiveness? Or
did you just freak out because Auntie Bank of America
shouldn't have put that in the chat.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
I didn't ask for forgiveness. No, okay, okay, I think okay.
It was so much to other things that came along
with it that kind of derailed from me trying to apologize.
I did ask for patients. It was so much like
(14:08):
the name calling that it kind of went to And
why did he even have to go to the family
group chat.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Because Auntie Bank of America didn't know what else to do.
She didn't she did. She could have called the collection agency.
She could have sent you harassing letters. She could have,
but the same way that you responded emotionally, she responded emotionally,
(14:34):
and anti Bank of America hactually gone to a collection agency.
It would have ruined your credit. They would have been
calling you at eight o'clock in the morning, eight o'clock
at night. They would have been sending you letters in
pink envelopes. She did not know how to do all
of that, so she did what She went to the
other collection agents in the family. She put it in
the chat, hoping that one of the collection agents would
(14:56):
support her and getting what she needed, which was you
to do what you committed to do. Yeah, it wasn't
the best choice, but oh well, what you put out
comes back.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
So when Auntie Bank of America's son, who happens to
be your cousin and your best friend, heard about that,
he wasn't going to jump to your defense. He was
going to jump to his mother's defense. And he probably
didn't do that well either.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Yeah, he was the one that was very trigger happy
when it came to calling out the names and so
much the I guess the muscle and getting the me
to move quicker with paying back the debt.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
And it is one of the names that he called you.
Did it have something to do with you being a bisexual?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
No, he didn't, but he did say a lot of
like I think that I'm better than them, and and
I don't think that's the case. And I think those
with those words coming, it kind of feels like I
should those are like thoughts that they had prior to
even the argument, And should I believe the words that
(16:15):
they were saying in the argument, because now it's like, no,
nothing holding them back. And that's the part that I'm
struggling on if I should move past because now that
I know, I feel like I know your real thoughts
about me, Do I accept your apology or is it
a cover until the next argument or whatever comes up?
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Well? Are you open to the possibility that that's a
totally different approach?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Yeah, I mean I will take anything to get clarity as.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Okay, is your relationship with your cousin an important relationship
in your life? I mean does it bring you joy?
Does it fill your heart? Does it make you want
to be a better person. Does it serve as a
part of your foundation? Is it that kind of relationship?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, I would say so.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
All right, fine, is your relationship with your best friend
and important relationship in your life?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Wow, that's a good one. I mean at one point
it was. Yeah. I feel like since I got over it,
I did the work to get over it. It maybe
doesn't ring so much of the importance, but it was,
I know, because it really hurt me whenever she distanced
(17:38):
herself from me, because I chose her as like a family.
We chose each other as family. You know, you don't
choose like your birth family. But friendships, you know, that's all.
That's all me And well, I mean picked two.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
But so it is an important relationship in your life
because you chose it. Yeah, and you trusted her and
she trusts. Okay, So are you willing to do whatever
is required to heal those relationships and recreate them because
they may be different going forward, But if they are
(18:12):
important relationships to you, if they are of value to you,
then are you willing to do what is required to
heal them?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yeah? I am, I am.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Okay, Why the hesitation.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Because it's coming back to that fear of I don't
want to end up in the same spot, or like,
maybe not the same argument, but another argument that leads
to another spiral, a downhill spiral, a down word.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Well, see, this is what I can tell you about relationships,
important relationships in your life. Some relationships are just placeholders,
meaning they're there, they're there for a minute. They're reasonal relationships,
they're going to go away. But when you have an
important relationship that you chose to be in, whatever happens
(19:05):
in that relationship is feedback. That is an opportunity and
a possibility for you to grow something, heal something, or
learn something. Important relationships in your life give you feed back.
And what happens is when there's a breakdown and an
(19:27):
important relationship, instead of us looking at the feedback we're receiving,
we look at the other person. Look what they did.
This is what they did. No, no, no, no, no no.
This is happening in the relationship where you are an
active participant and there's something here that you need to grow,
(19:47):
need to learn, or need to heal. And in order
to do that growing, learning or healing, you have to
humble yourself. You have to be vulnerable you have to
be willing to listen. So your best friend, because she's
a human like the rest of us, and human beings
are crazy as hell? Did you know that? Did you
(20:09):
know human beings? Human beings are crazy as hell? And
would you would you happen to be human?
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I suppose?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
So does that mean that you're crazy as hell like
the rest of us? That's crazy. If you're human, you
are crazy as hell like the rest of us. Okay,
so some of this says you're crazy hooking up what
(20:48):
they crazy? But there's still something the feedback. There's something
for you to learn, something for you to grow, something
for you to heal. But in order to do that,
you've got to be willing to suspend your crazy long
enough to hear the feedback to receive the feedback. So
(21:12):
the feedback your I guess that your best friend gave
you is I'm done. I'm done with this, I'm cutting
you off, I'm changing my number. I don't want to
talk to you. Not as crazy as hell. When you're
in a relationship with somebody that you love and care about,
and an important relationship, because if it's important to you,
(21:32):
it's important to her. That's the law. One person can't
be experiencing something that the other person isn't experiencing unless
they're in there crazy. So you must have been in
your crazy when she cuts you off. If you want
to heal the relationship, go back to her and say,
tell me about my crazy. Tell me what you were thinking, feeling,
(21:57):
experiencing when you change your number and block me on
social media. And the only thing you're going there to
do is get information. Get the feedback. Not if she's right,
not if she's wrong. She's going to tell you. She's
going to give you feedback about how she was experiencing you,
(22:19):
and in that feedback there's something for you to learn,
something for you to grow, or something for you to heal.
So has she reached out to you your best friend?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Yeah, she did. It took a year, a long.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Year, okay, And how did you respond?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
I tried to be very cough, cool and collected, so
I tried not to like just like throw myself back
into her arms. But I just was like, yeah, we
could talk soon. But like months went by and I
still haven't called, and I said I.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Would ask her for the feedback. Mm hm, you want
to know, tell me what you were experiencing that made
it okay for you to change your number and not
tell me and block me on social media? How was
(23:20):
I being? What were you experiencing? And keep your mouth
shut and listen. I hear you, and then you tell
her thank you for sharing. Can I be with this
for three days and get back to you? And then
you take her feedback and the same way we dissected,
what is it that you didn't want me to know?
(23:40):
You dissect that feedback not for right or wrong, but
for okay, I can see this now, I'm like that,
or I said this or I did this because we
got no no, no, drop the story. What is the
feedback she's giving you? And what can you learn from it?
What can you grow from it? What can you heal
(24:03):
from it? The universe is giving you feedback, that's all
it is. And it's probably because it's your time to
grow heal alarone. You don't have to worry about what
she's growing, healing and learning. You have to worry about
what you're growing, healing and learning. I have a solution
for you, and you are probably not going to like it.
(24:25):
Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Okay, we'll do it right after this break Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation
with your cousin, because his motivation was to support or
protect his mom, Auntie Bank of America. I think with him,
(24:51):
you got to start with please forgive me. I'm asking
for your forgiveness, and I forgive myself for not honoring
my commitment with your mother. I forgive myself for not
understanding why she was upset. I forgive myself for thinking
I was right and she was wrong. I forgive myself.
Please forgive me. And what matters is you are a man.
(25:15):
You got masculine energy. When a man has a wrongdoing
or a misstep or bad behavior, he has to make amends.
That is the only way he's going to rebuild his integrity. Yeah,
you had a misstep here, beloved. Wasn't your fault. You're
not to blame their circumstances, but the misstep was yours.
(25:37):
And to correct the misstep you have to make amends.
And the only amends you can make right now are
asking for forgiveness and find that what you need to
do to set this right. I mean not with your auntie,
but with your cousin, And eventually you're gonna have to
go to your auntie.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yeah, I forget that function yet.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Listen, I'll tell you a story so you don't feel bad, okay,
because I don't want you to hear that I'm making
you wrong and making them right. I'm trying to balance
the scales. So my grandson. I raised my grandson, and
one day he wanted something I don't I think this
was in the day of the games they used to
play in their hands. I don't remember what they're called.
(26:28):
And he kept asking me for this game. Can you
buy this game? Can you get me or whatever? I
don't I don't remember what the thing was called, but anyway,
he kept saying it, can you Can you tell me
this and get it? Get to get it? And I
finally I said, I've told you fifty two times I'm
not buying that. I'm not And he looked me in
(26:49):
my eye and he said, yay, yay, you are mean
Wait a minute, hold up, this is my brain thinking. Okay,
in my brain, I'm raising you because your mother I
ain't raising you. You're living in the lap of luxury.
You got your own room, a TV, your own bed,
you got an all pair. You get driven to the
bottom of the driveway so you can get on the
(27:10):
school bus and ride the school and picked up at
the bottom of the driveway so you don't have to
walk up the hill. And I'm mean, but because I
was a wise woman, I'd looked at him and instead
of saying you being disrespectful, whatever I said to him,
really tell me more. That's the wrong thing to say
(27:32):
to a nine or ten year old boy who ain't
getting his xbox or whatever the heck it is. He wanted, well,
let me tell you something, baby. He let me have it. Okay,
he let me have it. He outlined everything I had
done from the time he exited the womb, everything he
thought about me, everything he felt about me, everything he
(27:54):
remembered that I had said and not said and done.
And this is what you're saying when you say the
things that came out, These were the thoughts that they
had about me all along. Okay. So with me and
my grandson, it was around the xbox. But when I
said to him, tell me more, he just everything. And
(28:15):
he was only nine, and he went on for like
fourteen minutes about how horrible I was. So these are
all the things he had been holding in his mind
all along. Right, and I listened. I let him and
he and then when he finished, he must have thought
to himself, oh my god, what have I said? And
(28:37):
you know what I said to him, thank you, thank
you for sharing, Thank you for sharing, thank you for
letting me know that I didn't know that I didn't know.
That's how you feel. How can I make it better?
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Now?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Know what he said? Tell me what you think he said,
that's right. That was his sole purpose was to get
me to the store to get the Xbox. He didn't
care about how he had hurt my feelings, how he
was ungrateful for everything I had done. He didn't care
(29:11):
about none of that. He was trying to get his Xbox.
So whatever they said to you, beloved, it was bringing
up all of the stuff that they didn't say before
because they're trying to get you to where they want
you to be right now. But like with my grant,
what my grandson did was give me feedback. And instead
(29:33):
of looking at how he said it, why he said
it the way he said it, I said, Okay, what
is in here that I need to work on? What
is in here that I need to grow or learn
or heal? And he made some valid points he really did,
and I had to make some shifts and changes. Now
if I had fifty sixty years old, I even he's
(29:56):
thirty now, if I could make the shifts of changes
based on the feedback, you can make some shifts and
changes based on the feedback, and don't get caught up
in how they said it, or why they said it,
or the way they said it. What is in the
feedback that you can use.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
I hear you, and it makes sense.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
It's just it's just feedback. When important relationships break down,
you're getting feedback. So there may be some adjustments you
need to make. There may be something that you need
to grow or learn or heal. You think you're being you,
but we already know that there's some inauthenticity in there,
(30:37):
some lies in there. You gotta look at that, and
my love, Yeah, it's gonna be hard to hear. Get
you some Get you some popcorn. Make believe you're watching
a movie and ask them what were you experiencing, what
were you seeing, what were you hearing? How was I
(30:57):
being that made you think that was so okay? Ask
for the feedback. If these are important relationships, and if
they're not, move on. It's cutting off the ties and
not speaking. That's not going to heal and you're not
going to grow and you're not going to learn.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yeah. I have been feeling stuck for a moment now,
and I think a lot of it is because I
always allow in mine to revert back to you know,
what if this happened or what if like just trying
to find ways of communicating that. But yeah, I hear,
I hear now that I need to listen instead of
(31:34):
being the one to talk or rebuttal a lot of
the things that they're saying, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Good and listen without crafting your response to what you're hearing.
You're going in to get feedback, so you don't have
a response. You want information that you can learn that
you can use to learn or heal or grow. So
once they finish their sharing to you up some popcorn
(32:05):
and say thank you. Can I sit with this for
a few days and get back to you and then
you look at the feedback, even if you have to
write it down and say Okay, when I think I'm
making a point, people hear me as being a bully.
I'm just making that up. I don't know, but I'm
saying okay. So when I think that I have to
(32:26):
say something and get people to agree with me. They
hear this as me not being willing to listen. You know,
I don't know what the feedback will be. But take
the points of the feedback and see what can I
learn here? What can I heal here? How can I
grow here?
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Can I ask? How should I approach this? Like? Should
this be something that I do face a face in person?
Something that could be over the phone? Video chat?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Can you handle over the phone? Can you handle a
video chat? Can you hand in person? What feels right
in your heart?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Like? I don't know. I like to like see emotion
in the face other than just words, and I like
to hug afterwards if I can. So it's something I
guess in person would be something that I would desire more.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
There are two approaches here. You can have the initial conversation,
get the initial feedback over the phone, let's say, and
then sit with it for three or four days, and
then go to lunch, go to dinner. I don't know
if you want to get the initial feedback over.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Food, Yeah, it doesn't help. Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
It's also easy to hit somebody in the head with
a dinner roll. I would say, you know, you have
to do what feels right for you. But this is
a lot, and it's been a year and it's been
going on. Maybe have the initial conversation, even by phone.
Maybe you don't need to see their face. Maybe you
(34:05):
don't need to. They don't need to see your face
on the phone. You can mute the phone and weep
if you have to.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
They don't want to hurt you. They don't maybe get
the initial feedback by phone, ask for however long you need.
And you're not looking for rebuttal right and wrong. You're
looking for how you can be better in the relationship.
That's the feedback that you're looking for. So they're going
to tell you when you did this, you said that,
(34:36):
when you did this, when you did that, Okay, then
you look at it as okay, I thought I was,
you know, just sharing what was all my heart, and
maybe that wasn't the best way to do it. You
got to go in vulnerable and humble. Yeah, they want
to repair the relationship, that's why they reached out. But
now you have to go in vulnerable and humble and
(34:58):
hear from their pace and everything they say is not
going to be accurate. It's their perception and their human
and they're crazy as hell, but so are you right?
So that would be my recommendation. Okay, do that first
contact by phone, get the feedback, and then do in
person to see where do I need to make amends?
(35:23):
Can you help me with this?
Speaker 2 (35:26):
You know?
Speaker 1 (35:26):
And how do we move forward? How do we move forward?
Speaker 2 (35:29):
Is that something that I should be a collaborative effort
then whenever if I after I was sitting with it
and I come back to it and say, how do
I move how do we move forward? Is that something
that then I could kind of talk or is it
something that I should also just allow them to tell me,
tell me how I can with them?
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Or once you assess the feedback, you have a right
to share. You know. I get this is how you
experienced it, but this is what I was trying to convey.
I get that I talk loud and you feel like
I was yelling, but I'm really not tell me how
I can do it better next time. Okay, you get
to give feedback on the feedback.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Okay, Okay, I thought I was just take it. The
taking the hits nothing right, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
You get to give feedback. You get to say, you know,
when when I yell, it's because or I'm just saying
I don't know what it is. I'm just saying when
I yell, it's because it feels to me like you're
not hearing me. You're not hearing me. And when when
I'm not being heard feeling heard, I just get louder.
(36:43):
So maybe we can implement the five second rule. You share,
I wait five seconds before I respond. I share you
wait five seconds before you respond, so that we're not
screaming and yelling over top of each other. That's just
you know, I'm making that.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
Up, but make sense. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
No, you don't just take the feedback and take their
word as gospel. You get to give feedback on the
feedback and share your experience.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Okay, So when.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
You called the cousin, first thing is apologized, ask for forgiveness,
not I'm sorry, you are not sorry?
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Oh okay.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
Asking for forgiveness as a higher vibration than being sorry.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Asking for.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
I'm sorry says you know I'm weak and dumb, and no,
don't bow your head, have your spiny wreck, but acknowledge
the wrongdoing. That's what forgiveness does. Okay, I'm going to
ask you to forgive me. I understand that you were
taking up for your mother. I understand that I didn't
honor my agreement with her. I understand that the choice
(37:50):
I made had a negative impact on her, and I
felt like you were taking up for her and abandoning me.
Please forgive me, And I want to know, in terms
of our relationship, your experience that made you think it
was okay to put those things about me and chatt
or call me names. What what was your experience? Why
(38:14):
did you think that was okay?
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Yeah? Yeah, those are some of the questions I would
like to know or be answered for sure. There are
the ones that constantly come to my head.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
Well, I guarantee you he thought that was okay because
they were things he felt that he didn't want you
to know. Back to our original question, what are you
acting like you don't know? Mm hmm, oh, baby, you
got a lot of work to do.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
I know, I know my family's crazy. I tell that
to everyone all the time. They're crazy.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
Well, they're human, they're human, just like you.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:59):
Yeah, And if your family is crazy, you are related
to them allegedly, And do you know that these are
important relationships to you.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
I do. I do. Sometimes it gets hard where I
feel like they shouldn't be, but I mean they are.
Speaker 1 (39:24):
And do you know that everything that happened is simply
a form of feedback coming to you to help you
learn grow a heel. Do you know that?
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Yeah, they were just being human, They're being themselves, They're
being crazy.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Yeah, and they were doing what they thought was appropriate
at a moment in the moment as a human being. Yeah,
they didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong.
And then important relationships sometimes how crazy takes precedent, and
so what would better serve us?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
I feel like I have to release that fear of
being vulnerable. Yeah, I think that's holding me back from
a lot of a lot of the things like starting
the conversation and hearing the conversation.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
If you go in humble, help me understand. I want
to understand how you were experiencing me that led you
to believe it was okay to block me, not talk
to me. How was I being Go in humble, don't
go in trying to prove right. Make them wrong? Yeah,
(40:40):
get the information, no reaction, no response. I mean, you
may eat ten pounds of popcorn and weep into your underwear.
But that's okay, that's okay.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, I'm learning learning that the hard way, but you're right.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Yeah. Because we're crazy as human beings, we usually call
our lessons in with great depth of pain and dysfunction
because we're crazy as hell. Yeah, it's one final thing.
Don't do anything until you're ready.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
You don't have to do this today or tomorrow. You know,
if you pray, or if you get still, or however
you strengthen yourself, ask your higher self to tell you
when is the right time, and don't move until you're ready,
because if you're not ready, you're gonna make a mess.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Yeah. I definitely want to get over them.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
And you're not stuck. You're exactly where you need to be.
All things come when they're supposed to come. You'll know
exactly when to call and exactly what to do.
Speaker 2 (41:47):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Thank you, my love, good luck to you. Give me
a call maybe after it's all over, and let me
know how you made out.
Speaker 2 (41:55):
Okay for sure?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
Okay, all right, love, bye, bye, bye bye. There is
an important tool that we can use to make all
of our relationships better, and it's called feedback. Feedback is
the information we receive from what people do, what people say,
(42:20):
and how people be in relationship with us. And what happens, unfortunately,
is when people are giving us feedback, or when we're
getting feedback from a relationship, we get stuck in how
they said it, why they said it, the way they
said it, when they said it, as opposed to HM,
(42:40):
what is here that I need to learn to heal,
to grow If you're receiving feedback by people's behavior, feedback
by what they say, feedback by what they do. Instead
of formulating the response to make yourself right and make
them wrong, or make yourself wrong and make them right,
(43:01):
stop and get the feedback and ask yourself, what am
I growing here? What am I learning here? What am
I healing here? Because if this person loves me, they
don't really want to hurt me, They're just giving me feedback.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
(43:24):
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces where
the r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
(43:48):
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
fact that I was not always good at making my
relationships perk. I have been divorced three times, twice from
the same person. In other words, I have seen a
lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
(00:23):
the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. When we get feedback from audio device sometime
(00:48):
on our phone or on the computer, it's like a loud,
screeching noise that we don't want to hear. That's the
same thing we do when we get feedback in our relationships,
and it usually comes to us in a very forceful, harmful,
dysfunctional way, but it's still feedback, and feedback is purposeful.
My next caller has some feedback and we're gonna dissect
(01:11):
it together. Listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the art Spot.
Thank you for calling in today. And what is your
relationship challenge, issue or dilemma?
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Oh boy? Okay, well, first, let me say thank you
so much for taking my call. And my dilemma is
I feel lost. I feel lost, and I don't know
what to do or feel or how to react to
the people that have decided to cut off ties with
(01:48):
me but now have reached out in hopes to reconnect,
and I just don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Okay, So you're lost because they left.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
I was lost when they left originally. And it's it's
been a couple of people, but majority like the one
that's hit me the most, or two cases, like one
was my cousin and one was my best friend from
like high school.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So what does that mean? Cut off times? What does
that mean? What did that look like?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
With my best friend, she had changed her phone number
and didn't tell me any of that. She changed her
phone number, blocked me on social media, and didn't bother
to call or text. And this was also around like
my birthday, which I kind of took a little personal
(02:47):
because I mean she didn't even say happy birthday to me,
and like this was also in the time that we
were arguing to say And same with my cousin. Really
he he yelled at me, called me names and stuff
like that and then also decided to block me. And
(03:08):
as until recently, both of them actually have reached out,
but I just haven't called them back or really texted
them because I don't know what to say or do.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Okay, what led up to that? Because I'm not gonna
believe that one morning both of them just or whatever
morning or day or Tuesday or Wednesday, they just woke
up and changed their numbers and block you. So what
led up to that?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Well, Okay, with me and my best friend, we were
kind of going through this growth period. We had a
lot of like I was holding a lot of secrets.
I was holding a lot of secrets. I'll admit that
I finally got the courage to talk to her, open
up about it, and we it seemedly we got pasted it.
(04:00):
But then as it seems like I kept opening up
to her, it seemed like the more I would open up,
the more judgmental it seemed like she would get towards me.
An example would be I, so.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
I okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute, Because I can feel your
nervous I can feel your nervousness. Yeah, so take a
breath and just relax, Take a breath and just relax.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
I don't bite. You can't even see me, okay, and
I'm not going to judge you. Let me ask you
a question.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
What is it that you don't want me to know?
M take a breath, Take a breath, Take a breath,
Take a breath. What is it that you don't want
me to know?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
What? What?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
What I don't want you to know is just you
know general. What I don't want you to know is what.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
What I don't want to know is Okay, I am
bisexual and it's it is hard for me to showcase
that to the world.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Okay, take a breath, Take a breath. Let's wait a minute.
Let's do this one step at a time. Okay, okay,
calm calm down. So you don't want me to know
that you're bisexual and that is difficult for you to
to to show that to the world. Okay? What that
leads me to believe? And I could be wrong. I
(05:48):
am more than willing to be wrong. That would say
to me that either you were inauthentic with your best
friend and your cousin, or you lied to your best
friend and your cousin, which one is?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
What was my best friend? I would say I was.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Okay, all right, right there, right wait a minute, right there,
right there, we want to we got you're taking on
two munch you're trying to eat the belt elephant and
one and one bite. Let's eat the elephant one bite
at a time. And we're not gonna start at the butt.
We're not gonna start at the nasty part of the elephant.
We're gonna start at the ear.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Okay, I can do that, Okay.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
So what I don't want you to know is that
I'm bisexual and I have some judgments about that. Is
that accurate judgments, judgments or fears? Okay, Shane, guilt? I
don't know one of those, all of them, all of
the buds or some of the bud Okay, So you've
(06:53):
got some fear about that, all right. So what I
don't want you to know is that I'm bisexual. And
what I don't want you to know is that I
have some fear attached to my bisexuality. What I don't
want you to know is that I lied to my
best friend.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Okay, all right, so there we go. Now I know
now I know what's next, Okay, So what one of
one of the things that led up to the breakdown
between you and your best friend is that you weren't honest.
One of the things that led up to the breakdown
between you and your cousin is that either you weren't
(07:30):
honest or you were inauthentic. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
No, not with my cousin. Not with my cousin. No,
but with my friend that is one hundred accurate.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Okay, So what led up to the breakdown between you
and your cousin? What is it that you didn't want
her to know? What is it that you didn't want
her to know?
Speaker 2 (07:50):
So it's interesting because my cousin, his name is Tyler.
We are we're close knit family because his father is
my dad's brother and his mother is my mother's sister,
and so we're like like and I don't have any
(08:11):
I didn't have any brothers, and so I was we
were really close and now growing up it seems like
it's been like a competition almost has a better life.
And as of recently, and what the breakdown was is
his mother sent a family group chat basically like slandering me,
(08:33):
saying that it's my fault that she has a bad
life and and can't afford to get a car loan,
and my cousin defended her, and he had said, oh,
I'm going to knock him off his high horse, and
I'm like, where is this coming from? I it was
(08:55):
this one was completely a blind side for me. And
so that's kind of what happened with my and then
they all kind of like jumped against me, like and
it was me against the world at that point.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Why would she say it's your fault that she can't
get a car loan.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
So being the only kid really in my family and
I have a couple of sisters and three other cousins,
I've been the only one that went to college, and
I had no other way of paying for college. You know,
my mom had bad credit, my dad had bad credit.
I didn't have no credit at the time. So my
(09:31):
aunt was able to sign off on a student loan
as a co signer with me. And and you didn't
pay it. Well, I mean, we were in a pandemic.
I have to at the time, and this is whatever
the breakdown was going on like this, And they didn't
(09:54):
quite understand that part either. And I'm also like trying
to make it myself, like I just got out of
house like I was finding into my own car that
I had bought, and so I was living on one
pay or income for myself to pay back all this
and living in America. It's hard, and I understand their point,
But it's not like I don't didn't want to or
(10:16):
it wasn't going to ever. It's just I didn't have
it to do yet. It wasn't my time, you know,
trying to get my life together.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
At the same time, your behavior had an impact on
her credit. Is that accurate without all the story, without
the pandemic and the loans and whatever she co signed
for a loan with you. That means you had an
agreement or a commitment to do something that you didn't do.
And the way she experiences that is because you didn't
(10:47):
do what you committed to do, it had a negative
impact on her period. HM. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yes, yes, it would be.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
So sit right there for a moment, not with all
the story, because some people think, oh, I can borrow
money if I don't pay the bank, it's okay. If
I don't pay my mother, it's okay. That's my mom.
She knows my story. Make believe your aunt is Bank
of America. They don't really give to snits about why
(11:20):
you're not honoring the agreement you made. Do you think
they care?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Yeah, so Auntie Bank of America now has a bad
debt on her books because you didn't honor your commitment.
Period m.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Now if Auntie Bank of America, if it was Bank
of America, what would they do?
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Harass me until I guess I'd work over keep.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
It simple, they would. Yeah, they would come after you
for the money. And what Auntie did to come after
you was she put it in the group chat. Period y.
But your thinking is, Auntie shouldn't have done that because
she knows I'm trying to make it. Bank of America
(12:08):
don't care that you're trying to make it. They trying
to make it too. Auntie shouldn't have said that about me. Well,
Bank of America now has a bad debt on their
books because of you. And yeah, it was the pandemic,
and yeah, it took the president a minute to cancel
all student debts and yeah, yeah, yeah, but Auntie Bank
of America has a bad debt on her records in
(12:30):
her books because you didn't do what you said you
would do. Period. It ain't personal, it's real. Right, we'll
talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
(12:51):
Take a breath. Okay, what's going on? What's that? Tell
me what's happening.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I'm just thinking about so I guess I know the
wrong that it's not.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Wrong, Beloved, It's not wrong, because that's going to lead
to blame and shame and guilt. It's not wrong. I
understand the choice I made, and I understand the consequence
of that choice.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Do you understand the choice that you made?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
And do you understand that choice had a consequence that
had a negative impact on somebody else?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I do yes.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Okay. Have you asked? Have you asked for forgiveness? Or
did you just freak out because Auntie Bank of America
shouldn't have put that in the chat.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
I didn't ask for forgiveness. No, okay, okay, I think okay.
It was so much to other things that came along
with it that kind of derailed from me trying to apologize.
I did ask for patients. It was so much like
(14:08):
the name calling that it kind of went to And
why did he even have to go to the family
group chat.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Because Auntie Bank of America didn't know what else to do.
She didn't she did. She could have called the collection agency.
She could have sent you harassing letters. She could have,
but the same way that you responded emotionally, she responded emotionally,
(14:34):
and anti Bank of America hactually gone to a collection agency.
It would have ruined your credit. They would have been
calling you at eight o'clock in the morning, eight o'clock
at night. They would have been sending you letters in
pink envelopes. She did not know how to do all
of that, so she did what She went to the
other collection agents in the family. She put it in
the chat, hoping that one of the collection agents would
(14:56):
support her and getting what she needed, which was you
to do what you committed to do. Yeah, it wasn't
the best choice, but oh well, what you put out
comes back.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
So when Auntie Bank of America's son, who happens to
be your cousin and your best friend, heard about that,
he wasn't going to jump to your defense. He was
going to jump to his mother's defense. And he probably
didn't do that well either.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Yeah, he was the one that was very trigger happy
when it came to calling out the names and so
much the I guess the muscle and getting the me
to move quicker with paying back the debt.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
And it is one of the names that he called you.
Did it have something to do with you being a bisexual?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
No, he didn't, but he did say a lot of
like I think that I'm better than them, and and
I don't think that's the case. And I think those
with those words coming, it kind of feels like I
should those are like thoughts that they had prior to
even the argument, And should I believe the words that
(16:15):
they were saying in the argument, because now it's like, no,
nothing holding them back. And that's the part that I'm
struggling on if I should move past because now that
I know, I feel like I know your real thoughts
about me, Do I accept your apology or is it
a cover until the next argument or whatever comes up?
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Well? Are you open to the possibility that that's a
totally different approach?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Yeah, I mean I will take anything to get clarity as.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Okay, is your relationship with your cousin an important relationship
in your life? I mean does it bring you joy?
Does it fill your heart? Does it make you want
to be a better person. Does it serve as a
part of your foundation? Is it that kind of relationship?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, I would say so.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
All right, fine, is your relationship with your best friend
and important relationship in your life?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Wow, that's a good one. I mean at one point
it was. Yeah. I feel like since I got over it,
I did the work to get over it. It maybe
doesn't ring so much of the importance, but it was,
I know, because it really hurt me whenever she distanced
(17:38):
herself from me, because I chose her as like a family.
We chose each other as family. You know, you don't
choose like your birth family. But friendships, you know, that's all.
That's all me And well, I mean picked two.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
But so it is an important relationship in your life
because you chose it. Yeah, and you trusted her and
she trusts. Okay, So are you willing to do whatever
is required to heal those relationships and recreate them because
they may be different going forward, But if they are
(18:12):
important relationships to you, if they are of value to you,
then are you willing to do what is required to
heal them?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yeah? I am, I am.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Okay, Why the hesitation.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Because it's coming back to that fear of I don't
want to end up in the same spot, or like,
maybe not the same argument, but another argument that leads
to another spiral, a downhill spiral, a down word.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Well, see, this is what I can tell you about relationships,
important relationships in your life. Some relationships are just placeholders,
meaning they're there, they're there for a minute. They're reasonal relationships,
they're going to go away. But when you have an
important relationship that you chose to be in, whatever happens
(19:05):
in that relationship is feedback. That is an opportunity and
a possibility for you to grow something, heal something, or
learn something. Important relationships in your life give you feed back.
And what happens is when there's a breakdown and an
(19:27):
important relationship, instead of us looking at the feedback we're receiving,
we look at the other person. Look what they did.
This is what they did. No, no, no, no, no no.
This is happening in the relationship where you are an
active participant and there's something here that you need to grow,
(19:47):
need to learn, or need to heal. And in order
to do that growing, learning or healing, you have to
humble yourself. You have to be vulnerable you have to
be willing to listen. So your best friend, because she's
a human like the rest of us, and human beings
are crazy as hell? Did you know that? Did you
(20:09):
know human beings? Human beings are crazy as hell? And
would you would you happen to be human?
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I suppose?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
So does that mean that you're crazy as hell like
the rest of us? That's crazy. If you're human, you
are crazy as hell like the rest of us. Okay,
so some of this says you're crazy hooking up what
(20:48):
they crazy? But there's still something the feedback. There's something
for you to learn, something for you to grow, something
for you to heal. But in order to do that,
you've got to be willing to suspend your crazy long
enough to hear the feedback to receive the feedback. So
(21:12):
the feedback your I guess that your best friend gave
you is I'm done. I'm done with this, I'm cutting
you off, I'm changing my number. I don't want to
talk to you. Not as crazy as hell. When you're
in a relationship with somebody that you love and care about,
and an important relationship, because if it's important to you,
(21:32):
it's important to her. That's the law. One person can't
be experiencing something that the other person isn't experiencing unless
they're in there crazy. So you must have been in
your crazy when she cuts you off. If you want
to heal the relationship, go back to her and say,
tell me about my crazy. Tell me what you were thinking, feeling,
(21:57):
experiencing when you change your number and block me on
social media. And the only thing you're going there to
do is get information. Get the feedback. Not if she's right,
not if she's wrong. She's going to tell you. She's
going to give you feedback about how she was experiencing you,
(22:19):
and in that feedback there's something for you to learn,
something for you to grow, or something for you to heal.
So has she reached out to you your best friend?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Yeah, she did. It took a year, a long.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Year, okay, And how did you respond?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
I tried to be very cough, cool and collected, so
I tried not to like just like throw myself back
into her arms. But I just was like, yeah, we
could talk soon. But like months went by and I
still haven't called, and I said I.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Would ask her for the feedback. Mm hm, you want
to know, tell me what you were experiencing that made
it okay for you to change your number and not
tell me and block me on social media? How was
(23:20):
I being? What were you experiencing? And keep your mouth
shut and listen. I hear you, and then you tell
her thank you for sharing. Can I be with this
for three days and get back to you? And then
you take her feedback and the same way we dissected,
what is it that you didn't want me to know?
(23:40):
You dissect that feedback not for right or wrong, but
for okay, I can see this now, I'm like that,
or I said this or I did this because we
got no no, no, drop the story. What is the
feedback she's giving you? And what can you learn from it?
What can you grow from it? What can you heal
(24:03):
from it? The universe is giving you feedback, that's all
it is. And it's probably because it's your time to
grow heal alarone. You don't have to worry about what
she's growing, healing and learning. You have to worry about
what you're growing, healing and learning. I have a solution
for you, and you are probably not going to like it.
(24:25):
Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Okay, we'll do it right after this break Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation
with your cousin, because his motivation was to support or
protect his mom, Auntie Bank of America. I think with him,
(24:51):
you got to start with please forgive me. I'm asking
for your forgiveness, and I forgive myself for not honoring
my commitment with your mother. I forgive myself for not
understanding why she was upset. I forgive myself for thinking
I was right and she was wrong. I forgive myself.
Please forgive me. And what matters is you are a man.
(25:15):
You got masculine energy. When a man has a wrongdoing
or a misstep or bad behavior, he has to make amends.
That is the only way he's going to rebuild his integrity. Yeah,
you had a misstep here, beloved. Wasn't your fault. You're
not to blame their circumstances, but the misstep was yours.
(25:37):
And to correct the misstep you have to make amends.
And the only amends you can make right now are
asking for forgiveness and find that what you need to
do to set this right. I mean not with your auntie,
but with your cousin, And eventually you're gonna have to
go to your auntie.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yeah, I forget that function yet.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Listen, I'll tell you a story so you don't feel bad, okay,
because I don't want you to hear that I'm making
you wrong and making them right. I'm trying to balance
the scales. So my grandson. I raised my grandson, and
one day he wanted something I don't I think this
was in the day of the games they used to
play in their hands. I don't remember what they're called.
(26:28):
And he kept asking me for this game. Can you
buy this game? Can you get me or whatever? I
don't I don't remember what the thing was called, but anyway,
he kept saying it, can you Can you tell me
this and get it? Get to get it? And I
finally I said, I've told you fifty two times I'm
not buying that. I'm not And he looked me in
(26:49):
my eye and he said, yay, yay, you are mean
Wait a minute, hold up, this is my brain thinking. Okay,
in my brain, I'm raising you because your mother I
ain't raising you. You're living in the lap of luxury.
You got your own room, a TV, your own bed,
you got an all pair. You get driven to the
bottom of the driveway so you can get on the
(27:10):
school bus and ride the school and picked up at
the bottom of the driveway so you don't have to
walk up the hill. And I'm mean, but because I
was a wise woman, I'd looked at him and instead
of saying you being disrespectful, whatever I said to him,
really tell me more. That's the wrong thing to say
(27:32):
to a nine or ten year old boy who ain't
getting his xbox or whatever the heck it is. He wanted, well,
let me tell you something, baby. He let me have it. Okay,
he let me have it. He outlined everything I had
done from the time he exited the womb, everything he
thought about me, everything he felt about me, everything he
(27:54):
remembered that I had said and not said and done.
And this is what you're saying when you say the
things that came out, These were the thoughts that they
had about me all along. Okay. So with me and
my grandson, it was around the xbox. But when I
said to him, tell me more, he just everything. And
(28:15):
he was only nine, and he went on for like
fourteen minutes about how horrible I was. So these are
all the things he had been holding in his mind
all along. Right, and I listened. I let him and
he and then when he finished, he must have thought
to himself, oh my god, what have I said? And
(28:37):
you know what I said to him, thank you, thank
you for sharing, Thank you for sharing, thank you for
letting me know that I didn't know that I didn't know.
That's how you feel. How can I make it better?
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Now?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Know what he said? Tell me what you think he said,
that's right. That was his sole purpose was to get
me to the store to get the Xbox. He didn't
care about how he had hurt my feelings, how he
was ungrateful for everything I had done. He didn't care
(29:11):
about none of that. He was trying to get his Xbox.
So whatever they said to you, beloved, it was bringing
up all of the stuff that they didn't say before
because they're trying to get you to where they want
you to be right now. But like with my grant,
what my grandson did was give me feedback. And instead
(29:33):
of looking at how he said it, why he said
it the way he said it, I said, Okay, what
is in here that I need to work on? What
is in here that I need to grow or learn
or heal? And he made some valid points he really did,
and I had to make some shifts and changes. Now
if I had fifty sixty years old, I even he's
(29:56):
thirty now, if I could make the shifts of changes
based on the feedback, you can make some shifts and
changes based on the feedback, and don't get caught up
in how they said it, or why they said it,
or the way they said it. What is in the
feedback that you can use.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
I hear you, and it makes sense.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
It's just it's just feedback. When important relationships break down,
you're getting feedback. So there may be some adjustments you
need to make. There may be something that you need
to grow or learn or heal. You think you're being you,
but we already know that there's some inauthenticity in there,
(30:37):
some lies in there. You gotta look at that, and
my love, Yeah, it's gonna be hard to hear. Get
you some Get you some popcorn. Make believe you're watching
a movie and ask them what were you experiencing, what
were you seeing, what were you hearing? How was I
(30:57):
being that made you think that was so okay? Ask
for the feedback. If these are important relationships, and if
they're not, move on. It's cutting off the ties and
not speaking. That's not going to heal and you're not
going to grow and you're not going to learn.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yeah. I have been feeling stuck for a moment now,
and I think a lot of it is because I
always allow in mine to revert back to you know,
what if this happened or what if like just trying
to find ways of communicating that. But yeah, I hear,
I hear now that I need to listen instead of
(31:34):
being the one to talk or rebuttal a lot of
the things that they're saying, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Good and listen without crafting your response to what you're hearing.
You're going in to get feedback, so you don't have
a response. You want information that you can learn that
you can use to learn or heal or grow. So
once they finish their sharing to you up some popcorn
(32:05):
and say thank you. Can I sit with this for
a few days and get back to you and then
you look at the feedback, even if you have to
write it down and say Okay, when I think I'm
making a point, people hear me as being a bully.
I'm just making that up. I don't know, but I'm
saying okay. So when I think that I have to
(32:26):
say something and get people to agree with me. They
hear this as me not being willing to listen. You know,
I don't know what the feedback will be. But take
the points of the feedback and see what can I
learn here? What can I heal here? How can I
grow here?
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Can I ask? How should I approach this? Like? Should
this be something that I do face a face in person?
Something that could be over the phone? Video chat?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Can you handle over the phone? Can you handle a
video chat? Can you hand in person? What feels right
in your heart?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Like? I don't know. I like to like see emotion
in the face other than just words, and I like
to hug afterwards if I can. So it's something I
guess in person would be something that I would desire more.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
There are two approaches here. You can have the initial conversation,
get the initial feedback over the phone, let's say, and
then sit with it for three or four days, and
then go to lunch, go to dinner. I don't know
if you want to get the initial feedback over.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Food, Yeah, it doesn't help. Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
It's also easy to hit somebody in the head with
a dinner roll. I would say, you know, you have
to do what feels right for you. But this is
a lot, and it's been a year and it's been
going on. Maybe have the initial conversation, even by phone.
Maybe you don't need to see their face. Maybe you
(34:05):
don't need to. They don't need to see your face
on the phone. You can mute the phone and weep
if you have to.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
They don't want to hurt you. They don't maybe get
the initial feedback by phone, ask for however long you need.
And you're not looking for rebuttal right and wrong. You're
looking for how you can be better in the relationship.
That's the feedback that you're looking for. So they're going
to tell you when you did this, you said that,
(34:36):
when you did this, when you did that, Okay, then
you look at it as okay, I thought I was,
you know, just sharing what was all my heart, and
maybe that wasn't the best way to do it. You
got to go in vulnerable and humble. Yeah, they want
to repair the relationship, that's why they reached out. But
now you have to go in vulnerable and humble and
(34:58):
hear from their pace and everything they say is not
going to be accurate. It's their perception and their human
and they're crazy as hell, but so are you right?
So that would be my recommendation. Okay, do that first
contact by phone, get the feedback, and then do in
person to see where do I need to make amends?
(35:23):
Can you help me with this?
Speaker 2 (35:26):
You know?
Speaker 1 (35:26):
And how do we move forward? How do we move forward?
Speaker 2 (35:29):
Is that something that I should be a collaborative effort
then whenever if I after I was sitting with it
and I come back to it and say, how do
I move how do we move forward? Is that something
that then I could kind of talk or is it
something that I should also just allow them to tell me,
tell me how I can with them?
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Or once you assess the feedback, you have a right
to share. You know. I get this is how you
experienced it, but this is what I was trying to convey.
I get that I talk loud and you feel like
I was yelling, but I'm really not tell me how
I can do it better next time. Okay, you get
to give feedback on the feedback.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Okay, Okay, I thought I was just take it. The
taking the hits nothing right, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
You get to give feedback. You get to say, you know,
when when I yell, it's because or I'm just saying
I don't know what it is. I'm just saying when
I yell, it's because it feels to me like you're
not hearing me. You're not hearing me. And when when
I'm not being heard feeling heard, I just get louder.
(36:43):
So maybe we can implement the five second rule. You share,
I wait five seconds before I respond. I share you
wait five seconds before you respond, so that we're not
screaming and yelling over top of each other. That's just
you know, I'm making that.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
Up, but make sense. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
No, you don't just take the feedback and take their
word as gospel. You get to give feedback on the
feedback and share your experience.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Okay, So when.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
You called the cousin, first thing is apologized, ask for forgiveness,
not I'm sorry, you are not sorry?
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Oh okay.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
Asking for forgiveness as a higher vibration than being sorry.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Asking for.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
I'm sorry says you know I'm weak and dumb, and no,
don't bow your head, have your spiny wreck, but acknowledge
the wrongdoing. That's what forgiveness does. Okay, I'm going to
ask you to forgive me. I understand that you were
taking up for your mother. I understand that I didn't
honor my agreement with her. I understand that the choice
(37:50):
I made had a negative impact on her, and I
felt like you were taking up for her and abandoning me.
Please forgive me, And I want to know, in terms
of our relationship, your experience that made you think it
was okay to put those things about me and chatt
or call me names. What what was your experience? Why
(38:14):
did you think that was okay?
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Yeah? Yeah, those are some of the questions I would
like to know or be answered for sure. There are
the ones that constantly come to my head.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
Well, I guarantee you he thought that was okay because
they were things he felt that he didn't want you
to know. Back to our original question, what are you
acting like you don't know? Mm hmm, oh, baby, you
got a lot of work to do.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
I know, I know my family's crazy. I tell that
to everyone all the time. They're crazy.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
Well, they're human, they're human, just like you.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:59):
Yeah, And if your family is crazy, you are related
to them allegedly, And do you know that these are
important relationships to you.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
I do. I do. Sometimes it gets hard where I
feel like they shouldn't be, but I mean they are.
Speaker 1 (39:24):
And do you know that everything that happened is simply
a form of feedback coming to you to help you
learn grow a heel. Do you know that?
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Yeah, they were just being human, They're being themselves, They're
being crazy.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Yeah, and they were doing what they thought was appropriate
at a moment in the moment as a human being. Yeah,
they didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong.
And then important relationships sometimes how crazy takes precedent, and
so what would better serve us?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
I feel like I have to release that fear of
being vulnerable. Yeah, I think that's holding me back from
a lot of a lot of the things like starting
the conversation and hearing the conversation.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
If you go in humble, help me understand. I want
to understand how you were experiencing me that led you
to believe it was okay to block me, not talk
to me. How was I being Go in humble, don't
go in trying to prove right. Make them wrong? Yeah,
(40:40):
get the information, no reaction, no response. I mean, you
may eat ten pounds of popcorn and weep into your underwear.
But that's okay, that's okay.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, I'm learning learning that the hard way, but you're right.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Yeah. Because we're crazy as human beings, we usually call
our lessons in with great depth of pain and dysfunction
because we're crazy as hell. Yeah, it's one final thing.
Don't do anything until you're ready.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
You don't have to do this today or tomorrow. You know,
if you pray, or if you get still, or however
you strengthen yourself, ask your higher self to tell you
when is the right time, and don't move until you're ready,
because if you're not ready, you're gonna make a mess.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Yeah. I definitely want to get over them.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
And you're not stuck. You're exactly where you need to be.
All things come when they're supposed to come. You'll know
exactly when to call and exactly what to do.
Speaker 2 (41:47):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Thank you, my love, good luck to you. Give me
a call maybe after it's all over, and let me
know how you made out.
Speaker 2 (41:55):
Okay for sure?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
Okay, all right, love, bye, bye, bye bye. There is
an important tool that we can use to make all
of our relationships better, and it's called feedback. Feedback is
the information we receive from what people do, what people say,
(42:20):
and how people be in relationship with us. And what happens, unfortunately,
is when people are giving us feedback, or when we're
getting feedback from a relationship, we get stuck in how
they said it, why they said it, the way they
said it, when they said it, as opposed to HM,
(42:40):
what is here that I need to learn to heal,
to grow If you're receiving feedback by people's behavior, feedback
by what they say, feedback by what they do. Instead
of formulating the response to make yourself right and make
them wrong, or make yourself wrong and make them right,
(43:01):
stop and get the feedback and ask yourself, what am
I growing here? What am I learning here? What am
I healing here? Because if this person loves me, they
don't really want to hurt me, They're just giving me feedback.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
(43:24):
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces where
the r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
(43:48):
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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