August 14, 2024 • 47 mins
When is it time to leave? Many people have a hard time leaving a toxic situation and when they do, they may not have all the resources they need to stay gone. On this episode, Iyanla is joined by two co-host who know a thing or two about creating an exit plan. The group talks about how to recognize when it is time to go and how to leave an abusive partner. Then, Iyanla talks with a guest who is struggling to leave a toxic tenancy.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care
while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing
domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the
show notes.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
(00:49):
Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to
talk about, look at, examine, and investigate, you on, nibble on,
explore all kinds of reading relationships and the nuances of relationships,
because whether it's a relationship with yourself, a relationship with
someone else, it might be a relationship with food, a
(01:11):
relationship with money, just relationships, anything that you interact with
or commune with in life. There are things that go
on and things that we need to know, and things
that we need to learn, and things that we need
to grow through. So we take a look at that
here on the R Spot. And one of the more
(01:36):
delicate challenges issues situation circumstances with relationships is when they end.
When a relationship ends. Now, you can't end your relationship
with yourself. However, you can end how you are being
in relationship with yourself, how you are behaving, how you
(01:58):
are thinking, how you are living, how you're treating yourself,
or when you're in a relationship with someone else, how
you are being, how you are living, how they are living,
how they're treating you, how you're feeling. And when it's
time to end a relationship, when it's time to shift
into a new normal, you need what we call an
(02:19):
exit strategy. How do you get out of this? How
do you get into that? How do you make the shift,
the change to put an end to what's going on
so that you can have something new? What's your exit strategy?
When you have a bad behavior in your own life,
whether you're eating too much, shopping too much, too much sex,
(02:40):
too many happy flowers, how do you end that? What's
your exit strategy? Do you do it cold turkey? Do
you run naked in the night, screaming with your hair
on fire? How do you exit some aspect of a relationship?
Or how do you exit a relationship and keep yourself safe?
(03:02):
How do you do it in a way that honors
you and respects the other person or the history or
the experience. So that's what we are talking about today,
and exit strategy. What is it, how do you create it,
how do you enacted, when do you need it, and
all of that other good stuff. So to expand this conversation,
(03:25):
I've got two co hosts today, two co hosts who
are going to talk to me about the necessity of
an exit strategy, how to implement it, how do you
create it, how do you walk it out? And then
we have two guests who either need or have an
exit strategy and want to make sure that they can
(03:46):
enact it in a most powerful and productive way. So
you're ready. Make sure you have your notebook and your
pencil so that you can take down notes that may
apply to you or somebody you know. Let me introduce
my two My first co host is Sierra and she
is a family therapist based in Atlanta. My second co
(04:09):
host today is Isis and she is a blessed child
of God. That's what a bio says. Okay, Sierra, welcome
to the R Spot. How are you, my beloved good
how are you? I am so Gwall So glad that
you can be with me today as we discussed this
(04:31):
important topic of an exit strategy. My second co host
is Isis and she's joining us, I believe from Chicago.
Isis welcome to the R spot.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
Are you there, I'm here, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, so Isis. We're just beginning to
look at this whole notion of an exit strategy, whether
you're leaving a relationship, whether you're ending a behavior, whether
you're leaving a town or situation, and exit strategy. When
you hear that, what does that mean to you?
Speaker 3 (05:07):
It means many things to me in regards to a relationship,
even with family or even with a bad habit. It
means a lot to me just being organized and you know,
knowing the execution plan so then you will have true
freedom from whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Okay, Sierra, as the professional therapist working with couples and families,
how would you define an exit strategy?
Speaker 4 (05:42):
Yes, I want to find an exit strategy as something
you first thought through. You want to first do your
self evaluation just to make sure there's no self improvement
things that you got to do, and then the exit
strategy with a pen of course, on what the situation is.
If it's a relationship, you want to make sure that
(06:05):
you have talked through any type of issues. You want
to make sure that you are talking about anything that
came up that involved trust, or if there is something
regarding different goals in life, you want to just kind
of store through all those things first before you can
determine what exactly the exit strategy will be. And some
(06:26):
excess strategies can simply mean a separation. It can mean
completely leaving out of your common environment. It can mean
taking some time to just do that self work. So
it just depends.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
I sis, why do you think people need an exit strategy?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
I believe people need an excess strategy to be organized,
to make sure they're checking all of the boxes, having
a punch list at the end. That's why they should
have an excess strategy to be organized, to be calm, collective,
(07:09):
and to execute properly for themselves. That's why it's important.
It's essential.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I love when we have these topics, and I can
use myself as an example. So when I left an
abusive marriage, I was sleep and literally was awakened out
of my sleep to hear leave here, leave here now.
If you don't, he's gonna kill you. Well, I hadn't
(07:41):
been planning to leave, so I had no money, nowhere
to go, three kids, and he sleep on the other
side of the bed. So I had to in that
moment create the exis strategy. And the only thing I
knew was take very little. I needed clothes for the kids.
That's what I took. A couple of changes of clothes
(08:03):
in some bags, dressed them, got them up, and left.
If I had it to do all over again, of
course I would have had a better exit strategy. So
ci ra, tell me why we need an exit strategy
and when do you create it? I want to hear
from you, and then I'm going to ask, isis the
same thing? Why do we need one? And when should
(08:25):
you create an exit strategy because you don't want to
be in a relationship planning to leave.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
Yes, yes, that's a great question. Yes, So first we
all need an extras strategy because no matter how much
you may love someone and how much history and share
experiences you have with someone else, you always want to
make sure that you're being safe. Of course, but like
example you gave earlier, you know when safety is involved
(08:55):
and things like that where it's not a healthy and
conducive relationship ship for yourself. When we know we have
to have an excess strategy. Of course, you don't want
to go in with a negative mindset. You always want
to be positive. But that's the why there Now setting
up the access strategy, you know, you want to look
at a couple of different things. You First, like I
(09:17):
said earlier, that self improvement check you on, make sure
you've checked off everything on your part, because you're not
the only one in a relationship. The second thing is
you want to make sure that you're talking through any
issues that has kind of came arise, if the goals
are not aligning. If there is, of course that safety component,
(09:38):
you want to make sure you're taking that and putting
that first. Any type of emotional, physical, or intimacy connection
that you don't feel like your partner is trying to
do with you and you've tried so many things to
do and it's just not working, you want to have
that excess strategy there and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
So isis in my case, I just had to pick
up and leave. It was an instruction from spirit, and
I had lived nine years in this abusive situation and
it was very clear, leave and leave now. If you don't,
he's going to kill you. So what happens when you
(10:22):
don't have a strategy and you do have to pick
up and leave, how do you manage that?
Speaker 3 (10:27):
So in my case, that's what exactly happened. So I
actually created two exiting plans. One was more my immediate
The situation was it was in the morning, my son
was at school and my ex husband had choked me
while I was working from home. So it was a Friday,
(10:48):
so of course I had to wait until my son
got home from school because he's disabled, and so I
had to wait for him for the bus to bring
him home, and I just passed the car and my
immediate plan was to go home to Chicago, because we
were living in Saint Louis at the time. So I
drove home and we stayed in a hotel for the weekend.
(11:12):
I reached out to my job and asked, because I
oversee warehouses all throughout the country, I have a warehouse
in Chicago that I was overseeing. So I just got
the okay from my manager so I could work from
Chicago for the following week. I did send my son
back so he could continue with his routine to go
(11:33):
into school. I met my ex husband on that Sunday,
but from there I then created another exit plan so
for we could get out of the home within the
next few weeks. It took September, it is when he
took me September fifteenth, but I was able to leave
on November tenth. I drove a U haul and pulled
(11:55):
my car, took the dog and my son, and we
moved back to Chicago. We've been here, so it sounds
since that. So I didn't have the opportunity to have it,
you know, think it out like you were saying, But
so I had. I was able to create one for
immediate hurry up and get out, but then also think
(12:16):
it over, calmly and rationally to make sure that it
would be a good plan that will be safe and
secure for me and my son.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Mm hmm, Sierra, what happens as a therapist? Tell me
what happens when you don't have the opportunity to communicate
or the person or the person the people you're dealing
with aren't willing to communicate. What do you do? Then?
Speaker 4 (12:43):
Yes, yes, so exactly what I used to said. So
I definitely commend youis for being able to get out
of the situation as quickly as possible and I'm very safe.
We would then determined like a safety plan, So like
I just describe, it would be an immediate crisis safety
plan that you would do where you would have like
emergency contacts, safe spaces to go if you have children,
(13:06):
just informing them of not what to say, what not
to say when you're doing your exit, as well as
a long term plan of if someone asks about this,
you know what's your response, what to tell family because
usually in these domestic violence situations, if you've been with
your partner long enough, they kind of know your support system,
(13:29):
So informing your support sys some once you're in a
safe place of these are the following things that I
would like you to let them know if that person
reach out to you, just to maintain safety and confidentiality
of where you're whereabouts are.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So what I'm hearing, then if you have to leave immediately,
Number one, leave to keep yourself safe. If I lookt
into what isis shared, ask for help and ask for
what you need and then SIRA, what you're adding on
is educate the children and your support system just so
(14:06):
that people know what's going on and they can come
to your aide. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Absolutely?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Is that? Yeah? That sounds it? Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay,
how again, because we don't want to be in a
relationship planning to leave, So are there things that we
can do along the way? I know my father taught me,
he said, it's a poor rat that only has one hole.
(14:35):
So do we plan along the way? Like if something happens,
I can go here, I can go there. And what
happens if you don't have that? What happens if you
really because there are people who either don't or believe
they don't have a place to go, and that's why
they stay. So are there things we should do just
(14:57):
in the course of our living to prepare there ourselves
should we have to go somewhere? And what would those things.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Be for me? I would say work on yourself, because
of course you don't want to be, especially if it's
in a relationship, in a marriage or whatever, already having
a plan B on the back of your on the
back of the stove. But working on yourself is always
the best thing to do. During my marriage of fifteen years,
(15:26):
I was able to finish college. I opened a business.
I moved back to Chicago. I ended up having a
very successful relation, I mean a professional career and supply chain.
So that's what helped me. By the time I left him,
I didn't even realize it. I had been making more
than him for the past three years. He reminded me
of that. But because I continue to work on myself,
(15:50):
even in that terrible relationship, I was able to come
out on my own without him. So to me, working
on yourself on.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
One of the things my grandmother taught me. She said that,
and she's old school, Okay, she said, as a woman,
you always have to have a few little pennies tucked
away that nobody else knows about. See er, do you
think that that's a good strategy. Did just have a
few little pennies stuck to weigh somewhere?
Speaker 4 (16:20):
Yes, miss Alla, Yes, yes, I would say. Always make sure,
like we were talking about earlier, having that that yourself together,
making sure you have assets if you need to have that,
stay in the town.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
And you do.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Never want to just be completely dependent on your partner.
You want to be what we call entered dependent, where
you both kind of relying on each other. It's not
one versus the other, because if something happens, you have
to have that safety net. So my dad, he's Africa, Nigeria,
so he's always preaching for me be independent. I'm like,
(16:55):
I got a whole husband, but I hear him. But
he taught me make sure you always have your own
So even to this day, I live in a house
with my husband, but I have my own house that
I had when I was graduated from college that I
have a tenant, and just you know, you just want
to always be safe. You always want to have yourself
at order. You are able to be self sufficient, just
(17:18):
in case if you have to completely be out on
your own.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
I tell women all the time, you cannot call yourself
a woman and be totally dependent on anybody else to
take care of you. I don't care if you got
to sell cookies in the day, or sol socks or
iron pillow cases and cheats. You gotta have a few
little pennies tucked away, which also, you know, can raise
(17:44):
challenges when you're in a relationship with shared money. You
don't want to be keeping secrets. So I let him
know I had my own money, but of course I
had spent it by the time. By the time I
had to leave now now here, here's a question. Here's
a question. What happens if you're exiting not from a
(18:04):
romantic relationship, but from a dysfunctional entanglement with family members
or could be a sister or mother, father, And how
do you then exit that? If we define exit strategy
as a contingency plan that you activate once you decide
(18:28):
to leave, how do you leave family members? That is
a big thing in the world.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
Okay, I would like to jump in and speak on that.
This is feara So I get this question a lot.
I actually just had a session about this yesterday. But
we never completely leave our family because our families are
going to be connected with us through blood. It's just
what it is. However, what we do label as an
(18:56):
exit is simply set in those boundaries. So I get
this a lot. This is my family, but we have
a lot of trauma and our family or we have
a lot of top sick behavior and things like that,
And you can't never completely just get rid of your family,
But you can't set those boundaries of what you're not
going to tolerate. Rather, if it's certain things being discussed,
(19:20):
or if you're not always at every single event, you're
gonna have to have those boundaries and places, and that's
incentuating that exit plan of I can't completely just be
done with you as a family just it just also
depends on what kind of happened. If it's like a
fuse and safety issues, definitely you have to do what
you have to do for your best interest. But it's
(19:41):
just other things that you could maybe talk through through
the setting boundaries. That's totally fine, That's totally okay as
far as the exit goes.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
So what do you think, Sarah? I mean, what do
you think? Ice?
Speaker 3 (19:57):
So my perspective on this, I have dealt with with
this all my life. I'm the youngest of four girls,
and my older three sisters never like me. True story,
and so once I was able to really identify it
and understand it better, I've seen therapists about it. The
(20:17):
best advice I received back from my great aunt was
you only have to respect your mother once she's gone.
You don't have to deal with them. I learned the
hard way by continue to keep going back. But now
that I'm forty eight, I know that the best thing
to do is to totally step away, be quiet. You
(20:40):
don't have to disrespect them by spreading rumors. But you
need to be truthful. If any of the other family
members asked, but I just step away and be silent.
I have them block because your communication is really not welcome.
If it is truly necessary, you could email me. But
(21:02):
and this is all because I have decided to put
myself first. Prior to that, I would stick around and
put up with a lot of abuse out of respect
for my mother because she wanted her children together. But
now she has gone, I have to really love myself
more by putting myself first and excommunicating with them. So
(21:25):
I have chosen to say if there is a funeral
or if there's a wedding, I may not go because
I do not want to be bothered with them. So
most likely that will happen. I will just lose out
on family reunions and whatever else because I don't want
to deal with them as well as I'm uncomfortable when
family members ask me about what's going on. And I've
(21:48):
been living dealing with them for forty eight years, you know,
so that's why I am with it.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
All.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Right. Listen, an extra strategy, a contingency plan that you
activate should leaving for whatever reason, safety or unhappiness or
unfulfillment becomes necessary. And the first step is to make
sure that you have some things in place, whether it's money,
a place to go, or support system. I say, particularly
(22:18):
for women, every woman needs a posse. I'm sure it's
quite different for men, because men it would be harder
for them to call somebody and say, hey, can I
come sleep on your couch? You know, and that's if
we are leaving a romantic relationship. We're leaving a family relationship.
And I thank you for that, Sierra for saying, you know,
you cannot throw your family out of your heart, because
(22:39):
you cannot throw them out of your blood. But you
do get to choose how you participate with them. That
is key. You get to choose how you participate with
your family. And as Sierra said, set clear boundaries isis
you're sharing. Put yourself first, tell the truth of your experience,
(23:02):
and choose your participation with your family members, even if
it means you get to miss out on some family events.
So those are some extra strategies. But we have a
guest who's going to talk to us about her extra
strategy or the need for an extra strategy, and We're
going to do that right after this break. We'll be
right back. Welcome back to the art Spot. I am Yamla.
(23:35):
My co host today are Sierra from Atlanta and Isis
from Chicago, and we're talking about an extra strategy. How
do you get out of a romantic relationship or family relationship.
We're going to talk in a little while about how
you get out of behaviors that you have with yourself
with nobody else is involved. But right now we're going
to invite our first guest, Diane. Hi, Diane, Welcome to
(24:02):
the r Spot. I've got two co hosts today, Sierra
and Isis, and we're talking about an exit strategy. Now,
do you have one or do you need one?
Speaker 5 (24:13):
I need one?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Tell me why?
Speaker 5 (24:22):
Okay, Well, because I don't. I don't want to go
into my next place the same way I occupy the
space I was in currently in. I found that I
realized I've been wearing masks, masks in order to stay
(24:44):
in it, stay in a relationship relationship, this one in
particular as a tenant homeowner relationship. But I've been wearing
masks and recognize that. But I don't want to go
into the next space wearing masks my exit plan. I
stood stood up in my own, in my truth, and
(25:07):
the exit found me versus me finding it. But am
I no longer Yes, because I no longer I took
off my mask and the home owned. I was helping
her with some things around the house, even though I
lived in the basement. But I didn't want to do
that anymore. My mask was coming off. I didn't it
(25:28):
was too costly for me, and so when I told
her I I'll negotiate, unnegotiated, and then all of a
sudden she wanted to move. After being a daughter, wanted
her to move for three years. But when I say
I don't want to do this anymore, she wanted to move.
But I realized I've been doing that for a long time.
(25:48):
Masking up.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Okay, So what are you aware of the mask that
you were wearing?
Speaker 5 (25:56):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Are you?
Speaker 5 (26:00):
And to share that, yes, I believe it. The mask
is performative to keep my mother happy, keep her from
not being mad at me, because she had the scowl,
the scowl I don't want. I never wanted the scow
because I meant disappointed, disappointment. So I learned how to
(26:23):
be very performative I'm going to keep everybody.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Happy aka people pleasing. Yes, so the homeowner is your mother?
Speaker 5 (26:35):
No, the homeowner is an older woman who I sold
the tub to. I was doing sales and sold the
walking tub to and she invited me to come live
with that. I came, came back and visited her. She
says she had a basement and and I came.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
You needed a place to live.
Speaker 5 (27:00):
Didn't need a place to live. It was convenience. I
didn't need it as actually was staying with my mother.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Okay, you moved, you moved it. You moved in with
a client, a homeowner who was one of your clients,
because it was convenient and you were living with your
mother and that was inconvenient, right, yes? Okay. So did
(27:28):
you have an exit strategy for leaving your mom's home
or did you just pick up and go?
Speaker 5 (27:36):
I I just picked up and left.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
Okay, and you've been there now. But it sounds like
you were repeating the pattern that you had with your
mom with your homeowner. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 5 (27:50):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Okay, which was doing what would keep her happy so
that you would have a place to live. Correct Sierra,
what do you have to say about that?
Speaker 4 (28:07):
I'm sorry that you have went through that. That's definitely
a different dynamics the homeowner the tenant, because it's still
shows it's a type of relationship and we got to
make sure that we're balancing everything. So you know, my
thoughts on that, I have a couple of thoughts, But
the main thing I want to kind of just hear
more from you about is have you had additional conversations
(28:31):
about how you're feeling.
Speaker 5 (28:33):
Yes, So I went to the table. I negotiated to Okay,
I was doing a lot of things for her, but
she was like, I had a mobility issue. So I
was doing things out of the kindness of my heart,
but also because of the mask I'm trying to please.
And I came to the table and negotiated, I'll pay
(28:54):
fifty dollars instead of four hundred dollars a month. And
I did that for a month, and then that's when
she went and looked for a place, found the place
and said she she was moving. And prior to that,
and prior to her saying she was moving, she asked
me if I was moving with her, And I asked her,
(29:16):
she did you want me to move with you? She
said yes. But after I was charging her. She said
she wanted to part ways. So I stood up in
my truth. But she I think she had a relationship
with the weakened me, the person who wasn't standing in
their truth. So that's why she wanted me to leave
(29:39):
because my mask was off. I don't want to do
this anymore.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
Yeah, And I'm so happy you just said that part,
because that's the part that a lot of people struggle
with when we are exercising our thirtiveness and people are
used to taking advantage of the fact that we wasn't
being so asserd of and being maybe passed, so we're
not really speaking our truth. They get offended by that,
and then they know that they are exposed. It's not
(30:04):
you exposing yourself, it's their negative and poor behavior that's
being exposed now. And now it's a sign of guilt
that they may close off a relationship or they may
emotionally shut down. Nothing that you did hear was wrong.
I always have two rules that I tell everybody about.
The two rules I live by is did I do
(30:25):
anything unethical or did I do anything illegal? You didn't
do anything ethical or illegal in this conversation that you had.
She chose to show those type of patterns of behavior,
not you.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Okay, you know I think that you also, Diane. I
also want to acknowledge you and thank you for sharing,
because you really point out the reason that an exit
strategy can be helpful. Number one, so that we don't
repeat the same pattern. Perhaps, had you had an extra
(31:02):
strategy for leaving your mom's house, where you had clear
communication and you talked about your challenges, you would have
seen that you were getting ready to walk right back
into the same thing. You said you did it out
of convenience, but not out of safe keeping well being,
which is what isis talked about earlier, working on yourself.
(31:24):
So when we have an excess strategy, when we do
the communication, there's less of a chance for us to
repeat the pattern that we were in that we're trying
to get out of. The Other thing is so that
we don't end up in a situation that we can't sustain.
You call it wearing a mask and not standing in
your truth. But as you grew and healed through this
(31:47):
tenant homeowner situation, as you started growing and healing and seeing,
because that's the only way you would have known you
had a mask on, you recognize you couldn't sustain it,
and so when you revealed that to her, she simply
made another choice. Yes, she made another choice. Okay, I'm
not going to do I'm not willing to do this
(32:09):
for fifty dollars. Okay. So here's what I heard you say.
You want to move into a new situation in a
different mindset, way of being, frame of mind than you
moved into this situation. So what needs to be different
for you or what is different for you?
Speaker 5 (32:27):
What needs to be different for me? What is different
for me is I'm looking at myself, not not anything external.
My mother has passed away, so has since passed away
since I've been here. So I recognize that I don't
want I will be in relationships that are not similar
(32:53):
that I want to be in relationships that are healthier,
that are not I mean, there are just where I
can be free to be Diane, the creative Diane. That's
that's what That's who I am, and I want to
be able to express that and be that and embrace
(33:13):
it without repercussion.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Okay, So you want to be an authentic relationships and
help me understand how a tenant homeowner situation or tenant
landlord whatever it's going to be situation. Why you wouldn't
be authentic in.
Speaker 5 (33:38):
That because how it started. As a salesperson, I have
to be I had to be performative one in terms
of I had to sell the tub. So I was
coming back because she had I thought she had referrals.
So you know, we went to Goodwill, but I was
getting it. I was getting referrals, That's what I was doing.
(33:59):
But yeah, so she asked me to move in, and
she thought that there's a relationship when it was a
sales pitch. So there goes the mak and there goes
to the jig, doing the jig until for four years.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
You know, okay, quid pro quote what you absolutely as
opposed to what you what you desire, you were going
for what you can get out of it.
Speaker 5 (34:29):
Yes, and she had a wink and a nod and
a wing too. But I need somebody to put the
trash out. I need somebody. If I dropped something, I
can't pick it up that I need somebody to do that.
So it was a wink and a nod on both or
I'll just have to say on my side. I can
say on my side, but I suspect on her side
as well, but then it's just too costly for me. Now,
(34:50):
I don't want to do this. You know. I my
mother passed. I didn't have to. I didn't do it.
I didn't no longer was I had to do it
with her anymore, even though I could have not done
it before she passed. But I didn't have to experience
that anymore, and so I didn't want to experience in
another relationships anymore.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Here, I know Sierra has to go. Are you still
with us? Sierra? Yeah, okay, okay, I know you have
to go. So are there any final words you have
for Diane before she before you take your leave?
Speaker 4 (35:26):
Yes? Thank you so much Diane for sharing this story.
I know you know this is going to help a
lot of people that are in this situation, believe or now,
there's so many people that struggle with this same situation
that you brought up. But I commend you for your strength,
for your courage, and just for being your true self
and being as assert up as possible to really communicate
(35:49):
your needs and wants and try to talk.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
Through these difficult times.
Speaker 5 (35:54):
Thank you, Thank.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
You, thank you. Sierra. I know you have to run.
We've got lots more to talk about and we're going
to do that when we come back. Welcome back to
(36:20):
the R spot. Today we are talking about an exit strategy.
Isis I know that you're with us. Is there any
support insight that you would like to offer Diane? Because
she's she's getting ready to move? Have you moved yet? Diane?
Are you getting ready to move?
Speaker 5 (36:36):
I'm getting ready to move. I did put a safety nay,
I did a sixty day notice requirement in the lease.
I wrote wrote that into the lease. Okay, get myself
more time so she won't be She's leaving at the
end of this month. I'm leaving at the end of
next month. I have that safety not thing here by myself.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
Good good, Yeah, First band, are you going to be
moving alone or you're moving in with someone else?
Speaker 5 (37:07):
I'm going to be moving alone. I'm actually moving to Vietnam,
So I'm moving alone Vietnam.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
How you how'd you get to Vietnam?
Speaker 5 (37:19):
I live in Southeast Asia. I used to live in
Southeast Asia, and I was going to get a job
in Vietnam, but then COVID came. So I'm going to
go go there now, you know after I leave here.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
Hold up, it's an opportuity. Wait a minute, hold on,
we talk about it strategy. Maybe we need to talk
about maybe we need to talk about an entrance strategy.
You said you're going there and you're going to get
a job, So you don't have a job in Vietnam, No.
Speaker 5 (37:52):
I am, I am my, No, I don't have a
job in Vietnam, but it will be easy for me
to to get one into stayed myself for a long
time there. When I say a long time, I could
stay myself for ten years in Vietnam, but I will
get a job there.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
So have you envisioned yourself with this job and being
successful in whatever that means for you in Vietnam?
Speaker 5 (38:18):
Yes, yes, I've lived in Sweden, I've lived in Brunei,
Southeast Asia. So I'm an emergency manager and planner. So
I've been all around the world in nineteen countries. So
that's one I chose, I did the research on, and
I've been wanting.
Speaker 3 (38:37):
So the reason why I asked, did you envision yourself
being successful there? Were having a job and a home
and being happy because you were at your mom's house
where it didn't seem like you had much goals for
yourself to then transfer over to the roommate ten a
situation to now this woman kind of you know, making
(39:02):
a pivoting on you. Like that's what I just kept hearing,
a pattern of you not really like setting goals for yourself,
like where do you see your future? It's kind of
like you don't have a plan for yourself, so an
exiting plan can be difficult for you. So that's why
I'm asking when you get to Vietnam, like do you
(39:23):
have a plan? Because it seems from what I hear
is a pattern of not really having a plan.
Speaker 5 (39:30):
Well, I'm an emergency manager, so I try I pick
up and travel for different locations.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
When you go there, do you like, where do you
see your future? Like what will what will be the
rainbow at the end for you?
Speaker 5 (39:44):
Okay, it will be creating a sense of community. One,
I will rent a place. I can teach teach English
first so I can get to permit. Then I'll rent
a place and I can do Airbnb on that level,
and also do traveling English with those in who either
(40:04):
from the school, getting referred from the school or to
get backing on the school from the school for traveling
English classes for the locals.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Okay, Okay, I think what I'm hearing here is that
having an exit strategy is not the same thing as
a need to escape, because when you are trying to escape,
you will be reacting and you'll be running, and there's
no need for planning in there. You don't have time
for planning. You are trying to escape that may not
(40:37):
turn out well for you. So understand that an exit
strategy is not the same thing as a way to escape.
You're not just exiting a tenant homeowner situation. You exit
in a country. And the thing that I find interesting
is that, yeah, as that you know, if you you
(41:01):
sound like your expertise is in emergency management, which is
about reacting to what shows up as opposed to planning
it and standing in it. So I want to know
when you get to Vietnam, when you fly over there,
are you flying business or or or economy? How you
(41:27):
fly it? I want to know how you getting out
or what right? How you getting out of here? Did
you get a business that just spring for a business ticket?
Speaker 5 (41:38):
I think I have enough points for business?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
So okay, all right, So you and then where you're
gonna go the first night, where you're gonna be, where
you're gonna sleep.
Speaker 5 (41:48):
I'm going to sleep in one of the Hilton hotels
because I have enough points to stay in the hotel hotels.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Don't you love a Hilton point? I do so love
a Hilton Points. All right, So that's a plan. That's
a plan. Use your points, use your points. But I
think what isis is saying exit with a vision because
you said I don't want to You know, I'm trying
to move into a new situation different than the one
(42:18):
I came out of. So you're going to Vietnam business class.
That means that you're going at a higher level. So
when you land on the ground in Vietnam, hold yourself
to that level. Okay, you are a management manager, you
are a business person. You know how to manage emergencies
(42:39):
and react to needs. But now we want to live
a vision. We want to walk it out, we want
to plan it out. You sound like you have a plan.
I can. I'm going to teach English to travelers. I'm
going to work in the school. Do you know what
you need to do to get your certification or whatever
it is. So the bottom line is show up the
(43:03):
way you want to be treated. You're not coming over
there on the economy plan, you're coming over there on
the business plan. That's a little higher up. You want
to show up, And what we said earlier was ask
for what you want. Be clear about what you want
(43:25):
and ask for it. Don't settle for what shows up.
That's emergency living. You know, if your house burns down
and somebody give you a beer shoes, that's two sides.
It's too big. You got to take them because you
don't have no shoes. You're not going like that. You
understand your exit plan involves having a vision, a specific
(43:46):
vision that you can then enact. Do you have a
Do you have a boyfriends? You're going to get one
when you get over there? Is that in the vision?
It can be, but put everything you want in the vision.
(44:06):
Put it all in the vision. If you're exiting the old,
create a vision that has everything new that you want.
And I wish you the best, the best of luck.
It sounds like you've stood up, took the mask off.
You're not going over there looking for approval. You're going
over there on the authentic business woman, a manager with
a vision for how she wants her life to unfold.
(44:29):
And I wish you the best of luck. Thank you,
Thank you, And you can call us from Vietnam. Call
us when you find a little boyfriend over there. Okay,
that'd be nice thing.
Speaker 4 (44:40):
Now just calling Instagram.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
I have husband. I have posting notes on my wall
and it says focus on the vision. One of them
says I'm strong, and the other one says it's an
open door season. Amen. He's been with me now for
almost two years so and it's kept me so thank you.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
Diane has given us some really good things to think about.
Isis number one, when you create an exit plan, have
a vision for the future, have a vision. You said
you had sticky notes, you had certain things that you wanted.
The other thing I heard, I think I heard you
say you were willing to sleep on a mattress for
(45:22):
nine months if you had to. I think when you
have an exit plan, yeah, I think when you're creating
an exit plan, it's also important to be willing to
do what's necessary for a little while, because sometimes I
think people don't leave, don't move on because they want everything.
You know, they want their creature comforts. But you can
(45:44):
do anything for a little while. Anything, sleep on the mattress,
on the floor, bunk up on somebody's sofa, you and
your kids, sleeping, a sleeping back, whatever. Know that in
your exit plan, be willing to do what's necessary for
as long as it's necessary. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Mencisis it does, And that's exactly what I did. That's
exactly what I did, and that makes sense, And it's
okay to do it. It's the best thing.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
To do it.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
And know that God is always with you when you
doing it.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
Yeah, We've got lots more to talk about in terms
of creating an exit strategy and what it is and
how to do it and how you implement it. So
you know what. This is going to be a two parter,
two parter. We'll be back next week and continue the
conversation about exit strategies. Until then, stay in peace and
(46:40):
not in pieces. Fine. The R Spot is a production
of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite show.
This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care
while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing
domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the
show notes.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
(00:49):
Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to
talk about, look at, examine, and investigate, you on, nibble on,
explore all kinds of reading relationships and the nuances of relationships,
because whether it's a relationship with yourself, a relationship with
someone else, it might be a relationship with food, a
(01:11):
relationship with money, just relationships, anything that you interact with
or commune with in life. There are things that go
on and things that we need to know, and things
that we need to learn, and things that we need
to grow through. So we take a look at that
here on the R Spot. And one of the more
(01:36):
delicate challenges issues situation circumstances with relationships is when they end.
When a relationship ends. Now, you can't end your relationship
with yourself. However, you can end how you are being
in relationship with yourself, how you are behaving, how you
(01:58):
are thinking, how you are living, how you're treating yourself,
or when you're in a relationship with someone else, how
you are being, how you are living, how they are living,
how they're treating you, how you're feeling. And when it's
time to end a relationship, when it's time to shift
into a new normal, you need what we call an
(02:19):
exit strategy. How do you get out of this? How
do you get into that? How do you make the shift,
the change to put an end to what's going on
so that you can have something new? What's your exit strategy?
When you have a bad behavior in your own life,
whether you're eating too much, shopping too much, too much sex,
(02:40):
too many happy flowers, how do you end that? What's
your exit strategy? Do you do it cold turkey? Do
you run naked in the night, screaming with your hair
on fire? How do you exit some aspect of a relationship?
Or how do you exit a relationship and keep yourself safe?
(03:02):
How do you do it in a way that honors
you and respects the other person or the history or
the experience. So that's what we are talking about today,
and exit strategy. What is it, how do you create it,
how do you enacted, when do you need it, and
all of that other good stuff. So to expand this conversation,
(03:25):
I've got two co hosts today, two co hosts who
are going to talk to me about the necessity of
an exit strategy, how to implement it, how do you
create it, how do you walk it out? And then
we have two guests who either need or have an
exit strategy and want to make sure that they can
(03:46):
enact it in a most powerful and productive way. So
you're ready. Make sure you have your notebook and your
pencil so that you can take down notes that may
apply to you or somebody you know. Let me introduce
my two My first co host is Sierra and she
is a family therapist based in Atlanta. My second co
(04:09):
host today is Isis and she is a blessed child
of God. That's what a bio says. Okay, Sierra, welcome
to the R Spot. How are you, my beloved good
how are you? I am so Gwall So glad that
you can be with me today as we discussed this
(04:31):
important topic of an exit strategy. My second co host
is Isis and she's joining us, I believe from Chicago.
Isis welcome to the R spot.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
Are you there, I'm here, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, so Isis. We're just beginning to
look at this whole notion of an exit strategy, whether
you're leaving a relationship, whether you're ending a behavior, whether
you're leaving a town or situation, and exit strategy. When
you hear that, what does that mean to you?
Speaker 3 (05:07):
It means many things to me in regards to a relationship,
even with family or even with a bad habit. It
means a lot to me just being organized and you know,
knowing the execution plan so then you will have true
freedom from whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Okay, Sierra, as the professional therapist working with couples and families,
how would you define an exit strategy?
Speaker 4 (05:42):
Yes, I want to find an exit strategy as something
you first thought through. You want to first do your
self evaluation just to make sure there's no self improvement
things that you got to do, and then the exit
strategy with a pen of course, on what the situation is.
If it's a relationship, you want to make sure that
(06:05):
you have talked through any type of issues. You want
to make sure that you are talking about anything that
came up that involved trust, or if there is something
regarding different goals in life, you want to just kind
of store through all those things first before you can
determine what exactly the exit strategy will be. And some
(06:26):
excess strategies can simply mean a separation. It can mean
completely leaving out of your common environment. It can mean
taking some time to just do that self work. So
it just depends.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
I sis, why do you think people need an exit strategy?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
I believe people need an excess strategy to be organized,
to make sure they're checking all of the boxes, having
a punch list at the end. That's why they should
have an excess strategy to be organized, to be calm, collective,
(07:09):
and to execute properly for themselves. That's why it's important.
It's essential.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I love when we have these topics, and I can
use myself as an example. So when I left an
abusive marriage, I was sleep and literally was awakened out
of my sleep to hear leave here, leave here now.
If you don't, he's gonna kill you. Well, I hadn't
(07:41):
been planning to leave, so I had no money, nowhere
to go, three kids, and he sleep on the other
side of the bed. So I had to in that
moment create the exis strategy. And the only thing I
knew was take very little. I needed clothes for the kids.
That's what I took. A couple of changes of clothes
(08:03):
in some bags, dressed them, got them up, and left.
If I had it to do all over again, of
course I would have had a better exit strategy. So
ci ra, tell me why we need an exit strategy
and when do you create it? I want to hear
from you, and then I'm going to ask, isis the
same thing? Why do we need one? And when should
(08:25):
you create an exit strategy because you don't want to
be in a relationship planning to leave.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
Yes, yes, that's a great question. Yes, So first we
all need an extras strategy because no matter how much
you may love someone and how much history and share
experiences you have with someone else, you always want to
make sure that you're being safe. Of course, but like
example you gave earlier, you know when safety is involved
(08:55):
and things like that where it's not a healthy and
conducive relationship ship for yourself. When we know we have
to have an excess strategy. Of course, you don't want
to go in with a negative mindset. You always want
to be positive. But that's the why there Now setting
up the access strategy, you know, you want to look
at a couple of different things. You First, like I
(09:17):
said earlier, that self improvement check you on, make sure
you've checked off everything on your part, because you're not
the only one in a relationship. The second thing is
you want to make sure that you're talking through any
issues that has kind of came arise, if the goals
are not aligning. If there is, of course that safety component,
(09:38):
you want to make sure you're taking that and putting
that first. Any type of emotional, physical, or intimacy connection
that you don't feel like your partner is trying to
do with you and you've tried so many things to
do and it's just not working, you want to have
that excess strategy there and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
So isis in my case, I just had to pick
up and leave. It was an instruction from spirit, and
I had lived nine years in this abusive situation and
it was very clear, leave and leave now. If you don't,
he's going to kill you. So what happens when you
(10:22):
don't have a strategy and you do have to pick
up and leave, how do you manage that?
Speaker 3 (10:27):
So in my case, that's what exactly happened. So I
actually created two exiting plans. One was more my immediate
The situation was it was in the morning, my son
was at school and my ex husband had choked me
while I was working from home. So it was a Friday,
(10:48):
so of course I had to wait until my son
got home from school because he's disabled, and so I
had to wait for him for the bus to bring
him home, and I just passed the car and my
immediate plan was to go home to Chicago, because we
were living in Saint Louis at the time. So I
drove home and we stayed in a hotel for the weekend.
(11:12):
I reached out to my job and asked, because I
oversee warehouses all throughout the country, I have a warehouse
in Chicago that I was overseeing. So I just got
the okay from my manager so I could work from
Chicago for the following week. I did send my son
back so he could continue with his routine to go
(11:33):
into school. I met my ex husband on that Sunday,
but from there I then created another exit plan so
for we could get out of the home within the
next few weeks. It took September, it is when he
took me September fifteenth, but I was able to leave
on November tenth. I drove a U haul and pulled
(11:55):
my car, took the dog and my son, and we
moved back to Chicago. We've been here, so it sounds
since that. So I didn't have the opportunity to have it,
you know, think it out like you were saying, But
so I had. I was able to create one for
immediate hurry up and get out, but then also think
(12:16):
it over, calmly and rationally to make sure that it
would be a good plan that will be safe and
secure for me and my son.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Mm hmm, Sierra, what happens as a therapist? Tell me
what happens when you don't have the opportunity to communicate
or the person or the person the people you're dealing
with aren't willing to communicate. What do you do? Then?
Speaker 4 (12:43):
Yes, yes, so exactly what I used to said. So
I definitely commend youis for being able to get out
of the situation as quickly as possible and I'm very safe.
We would then determined like a safety plan, So like
I just describe, it would be an immediate crisis safety
plan that you would do where you would have like
emergency contacts, safe spaces to go if you have children,
(13:06):
just informing them of not what to say, what not
to say when you're doing your exit, as well as
a long term plan of if someone asks about this,
you know what's your response, what to tell family because
usually in these domestic violence situations, if you've been with
your partner long enough, they kind of know your support system,
(13:29):
So informing your support sys some once you're in a
safe place of these are the following things that I
would like you to let them know if that person
reach out to you, just to maintain safety and confidentiality
of where you're whereabouts are.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So what I'm hearing, then if you have to leave immediately,
Number one, leave to keep yourself safe. If I lookt
into what isis shared, ask for help and ask for
what you need and then SIRA, what you're adding on
is educate the children and your support system just so
(14:06):
that people know what's going on and they can come
to your aide. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Absolutely?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Is that? Yeah? That sounds it? Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay,
how again, because we don't want to be in a
relationship planning to leave, So are there things that we
can do along the way? I know my father taught me,
he said, it's a poor rat that only has one hole.
(14:35):
So do we plan along the way? Like if something happens,
I can go here, I can go there. And what
happens if you don't have that? What happens if you
really because there are people who either don't or believe
they don't have a place to go, and that's why
they stay. So are there things we should do just
(14:57):
in the course of our living to prepare there ourselves
should we have to go somewhere? And what would those things.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Be for me? I would say work on yourself, because
of course you don't want to be, especially if it's
in a relationship, in a marriage or whatever, already having
a plan B on the back of your on the
back of the stove. But working on yourself is always
the best thing to do. During my marriage of fifteen years,
(15:26):
I was able to finish college. I opened a business.
I moved back to Chicago. I ended up having a
very successful relation, I mean a professional career and supply chain.
So that's what helped me. By the time I left him,
I didn't even realize it. I had been making more
than him for the past three years. He reminded me
of that. But because I continue to work on myself,
(15:50):
even in that terrible relationship, I was able to come
out on my own without him. So to me, working
on yourself on.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
One of the things my grandmother taught me. She said that,
and she's old school, Okay, she said, as a woman,
you always have to have a few little pennies tucked
away that nobody else knows about. See er, do you
think that that's a good strategy. Did just have a
few little pennies stuck to weigh somewhere?
Speaker 4 (16:20):
Yes, miss Alla, Yes, yes, I would say. Always make sure,
like we were talking about earlier, having that that yourself together,
making sure you have assets if you need to have that,
stay in the town.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
And you do.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Never want to just be completely dependent on your partner.
You want to be what we call entered dependent, where
you both kind of relying on each other. It's not
one versus the other, because if something happens, you have
to have that safety net. So my dad, he's Africa, Nigeria,
so he's always preaching for me be independent. I'm like,
(16:55):
I got a whole husband, but I hear him. But
he taught me make sure you always have your own
So even to this day, I live in a house
with my husband, but I have my own house that
I had when I was graduated from college that I
have a tenant, and just you know, you just want
to always be safe. You always want to have yourself
at order. You are able to be self sufficient, just
(17:18):
in case if you have to completely be out on
your own.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
I tell women all the time, you cannot call yourself
a woman and be totally dependent on anybody else to
take care of you. I don't care if you got
to sell cookies in the day, or sol socks or
iron pillow cases and cheats. You gotta have a few
little pennies tucked away, which also, you know, can raise
(17:44):
challenges when you're in a relationship with shared money. You
don't want to be keeping secrets. So I let him
know I had my own money, but of course I
had spent it by the time. By the time I
had to leave now now here, here's a question. Here's
a question. What happens if you're exiting not from a
(18:04):
romantic relationship, but from a dysfunctional entanglement with family members
or could be a sister or mother, father, And how
do you then exit that? If we define exit strategy
as a contingency plan that you activate once you decide
(18:28):
to leave, how do you leave family members? That is
a big thing in the world.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
Okay, I would like to jump in and speak on that.
This is feara So I get this question a lot.
I actually just had a session about this yesterday. But
we never completely leave our family because our families are
going to be connected with us through blood. It's just
what it is. However, what we do label as an
(18:56):
exit is simply set in those boundaries. So I get
this a lot. This is my family, but we have
a lot of trauma and our family or we have
a lot of top sick behavior and things like that,
And you can't never completely just get rid of your family,
But you can't set those boundaries of what you're not
going to tolerate. Rather, if it's certain things being discussed,
(19:20):
or if you're not always at every single event, you're
gonna have to have those boundaries and places, and that's
incentuating that exit plan of I can't completely just be
done with you as a family just it just also
depends on what kind of happened. If it's like a
fuse and safety issues, definitely you have to do what
you have to do for your best interest. But it's
(19:41):
just other things that you could maybe talk through through
the setting boundaries. That's totally fine, That's totally okay as
far as the exit goes.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
So what do you think, Sarah? I mean, what do
you think? Ice?
Speaker 3 (19:57):
So my perspective on this, I have dealt with with
this all my life. I'm the youngest of four girls,
and my older three sisters never like me. True story,
and so once I was able to really identify it
and understand it better, I've seen therapists about it. The
(20:17):
best advice I received back from my great aunt was
you only have to respect your mother once she's gone.
You don't have to deal with them. I learned the
hard way by continue to keep going back. But now
that I'm forty eight, I know that the best thing
to do is to totally step away, be quiet. You
(20:40):
don't have to disrespect them by spreading rumors. But you
need to be truthful. If any of the other family
members asked, but I just step away and be silent.
I have them block because your communication is really not welcome.
If it is truly necessary, you could email me. But
(21:02):
and this is all because I have decided to put
myself first. Prior to that, I would stick around and
put up with a lot of abuse out of respect
for my mother because she wanted her children together. But
now she has gone, I have to really love myself
more by putting myself first and excommunicating with them. So
(21:25):
I have chosen to say if there is a funeral
or if there's a wedding, I may not go because
I do not want to be bothered with them. So
most likely that will happen. I will just lose out
on family reunions and whatever else because I don't want
to deal with them as well as I'm uncomfortable when
family members ask me about what's going on. And I've
(21:48):
been living dealing with them for forty eight years, you know,
so that's why I am with it.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
All.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Right. Listen, an extra strategy, a contingency plan that you
activate should leaving for whatever reason, safety or unhappiness or
unfulfillment becomes necessary. And the first step is to make
sure that you have some things in place, whether it's money,
a place to go, or support system. I say, particularly
(22:18):
for women, every woman needs a posse. I'm sure it's
quite different for men, because men it would be harder
for them to call somebody and say, hey, can I
come sleep on your couch? You know, and that's if
we are leaving a romantic relationship. We're leaving a family relationship.
And I thank you for that, Sierra for saying, you know,
you cannot throw your family out of your heart, because
(22:39):
you cannot throw them out of your blood. But you
do get to choose how you participate with them. That
is key. You get to choose how you participate with
your family. And as Sierra said, set clear boundaries isis
you're sharing. Put yourself first, tell the truth of your experience,
(23:02):
and choose your participation with your family members, even if
it means you get to miss out on some family events.
So those are some extra strategies. But we have a
guest who's going to talk to us about her extra
strategy or the need for an extra strategy, and We're
going to do that right after this break. We'll be
right back. Welcome back to the art Spot. I am Yamla.
(23:35):
My co host today are Sierra from Atlanta and Isis
from Chicago, and we're talking about an extra strategy. How
do you get out of a romantic relationship or family relationship.
We're going to talk in a little while about how
you get out of behaviors that you have with yourself
with nobody else is involved. But right now we're going
to invite our first guest, Diane. Hi, Diane, Welcome to
(24:02):
the r Spot. I've got two co hosts today, Sierra
and Isis, and we're talking about an exit strategy. Now,
do you have one or do you need one?
Speaker 5 (24:13):
I need one?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Tell me why?
Speaker 5 (24:22):
Okay, Well, because I don't. I don't want to go
into my next place the same way I occupy the
space I was in currently in. I found that I
realized I've been wearing masks, masks in order to stay
(24:44):
in it, stay in a relationship relationship, this one in
particular as a tenant homeowner relationship. But I've been wearing
masks and recognize that. But I don't want to go
into the next space wearing masks my exit plan. I
stood stood up in my own, in my truth, and
(25:07):
the exit found me versus me finding it. But am
I no longer Yes, because I no longer I took
off my mask and the home owned. I was helping
her with some things around the house, even though I
lived in the basement. But I didn't want to do
that anymore. My mask was coming off. I didn't it
(25:28):
was too costly for me, and so when I told
her I I'll negotiate, unnegotiated, and then all of a
sudden she wanted to move. After being a daughter, wanted
her to move for three years. But when I say
I don't want to do this anymore, she wanted to move.
But I realized I've been doing that for a long time.
(25:48):
Masking up.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Okay, So what are you aware of the mask that
you were wearing?
Speaker 5 (25:56):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Are you?
Speaker 5 (26:00):
And to share that, yes, I believe it. The mask
is performative to keep my mother happy, keep her from
not being mad at me, because she had the scowl,
the scowl I don't want. I never wanted the scow
because I meant disappointed, disappointment. So I learned how to
(26:23):
be very performative I'm going to keep everybody.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Happy aka people pleasing. Yes, so the homeowner is your mother?
Speaker 5 (26:35):
No, the homeowner is an older woman who I sold
the tub to. I was doing sales and sold the
walking tub to and she invited me to come live
with that. I came, came back and visited her. She
says she had a basement and and I came.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
You needed a place to live.
Speaker 5 (27:00):
Didn't need a place to live. It was convenience. I
didn't need it as actually was staying with my mother.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Okay, you moved, you moved it. You moved in with
a client, a homeowner who was one of your clients,
because it was convenient and you were living with your
mother and that was inconvenient, right, yes? Okay. So did
(27:28):
you have an exit strategy for leaving your mom's home
or did you just pick up and go?
Speaker 5 (27:36):
I I just picked up and left.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
Okay, and you've been there now. But it sounds like
you were repeating the pattern that you had with your
mom with your homeowner. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 5 (27:50):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Okay, which was doing what would keep her happy so
that you would have a place to live. Correct Sierra,
what do you have to say about that?
Speaker 4 (28:07):
I'm sorry that you have went through that. That's definitely
a different dynamics the homeowner the tenant, because it's still
shows it's a type of relationship and we got to
make sure that we're balancing everything. So you know, my
thoughts on that, I have a couple of thoughts, But
the main thing I want to kind of just hear
more from you about is have you had additional conversations
(28:31):
about how you're feeling.
Speaker 5 (28:33):
Yes, So I went to the table. I negotiated to Okay,
I was doing a lot of things for her, but
she was like, I had a mobility issue. So I
was doing things out of the kindness of my heart,
but also because of the mask I'm trying to please.
And I came to the table and negotiated, I'll pay
(28:54):
fifty dollars instead of four hundred dollars a month. And
I did that for a month, and then that's when
she went and looked for a place, found the place
and said she she was moving. And prior to that,
and prior to her saying she was moving, she asked
me if I was moving with her, And I asked her,
(29:16):
she did you want me to move with you? She
said yes. But after I was charging her. She said
she wanted to part ways. So I stood up in
my truth. But she I think she had a relationship
with the weakened me, the person who wasn't standing in
their truth. So that's why she wanted me to leave
(29:39):
because my mask was off. I don't want to do
this anymore.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
Yeah, And I'm so happy you just said that part,
because that's the part that a lot of people struggle
with when we are exercising our thirtiveness and people are
used to taking advantage of the fact that we wasn't
being so asserd of and being maybe passed, so we're
not really speaking our truth. They get offended by that,
and then they know that they are exposed. It's not
(30:04):
you exposing yourself, it's their negative and poor behavior that's
being exposed now. And now it's a sign of guilt
that they may close off a relationship or they may
emotionally shut down. Nothing that you did hear was wrong.
I always have two rules that I tell everybody about.
The two rules I live by is did I do
(30:25):
anything unethical or did I do anything illegal? You didn't
do anything ethical or illegal in this conversation that you had.
She chose to show those type of patterns of behavior,
not you.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Okay, you know I think that you also, Diane. I
also want to acknowledge you and thank you for sharing,
because you really point out the reason that an exit
strategy can be helpful. Number one, so that we don't
repeat the same pattern. Perhaps, had you had an extra
(31:02):
strategy for leaving your mom's house, where you had clear
communication and you talked about your challenges, you would have
seen that you were getting ready to walk right back
into the same thing. You said you did it out
of convenience, but not out of safe keeping well being,
which is what isis talked about earlier, working on yourself.
(31:24):
So when we have an excess strategy, when we do
the communication, there's less of a chance for us to
repeat the pattern that we were in that we're trying
to get out of. The Other thing is so that
we don't end up in a situation that we can't sustain.
You call it wearing a mask and not standing in
your truth. But as you grew and healed through this
(31:47):
tenant homeowner situation, as you started growing and healing and seeing,
because that's the only way you would have known you
had a mask on, you recognize you couldn't sustain it,
and so when you revealed that to her, she simply
made another choice. Yes, she made another choice. Okay, I'm
not going to do I'm not willing to do this
(32:09):
for fifty dollars. Okay. So here's what I heard you say.
You want to move into a new situation in a
different mindset, way of being, frame of mind than you
moved into this situation. So what needs to be different
for you or what is different for you?
Speaker 5 (32:27):
What needs to be different for me? What is different
for me is I'm looking at myself, not not anything external.
My mother has passed away, so has since passed away
since I've been here. So I recognize that I don't
want I will be in relationships that are not similar
(32:53):
that I want to be in relationships that are healthier,
that are not I mean, there are just where I
can be free to be Diane, the creative Diane. That's
that's what That's who I am, and I want to
be able to express that and be that and embrace
(33:13):
it without repercussion.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Okay, So you want to be an authentic relationships and
help me understand how a tenant homeowner situation or tenant
landlord whatever it's going to be situation. Why you wouldn't
be authentic in.
Speaker 5 (33:38):
That because how it started. As a salesperson, I have
to be I had to be performative one in terms
of I had to sell the tub. So I was
coming back because she had I thought she had referrals.
So you know, we went to Goodwill, but I was
getting it. I was getting referrals, That's what I was doing.
(33:59):
But yeah, so she asked me to move in, and
she thought that there's a relationship when it was a
sales pitch. So there goes the mak and there goes
to the jig, doing the jig until for four years.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
You know, okay, quid pro quote what you absolutely as
opposed to what you what you desire, you were going
for what you can get out of it.
Speaker 5 (34:29):
Yes, and she had a wink and a nod and
a wing too. But I need somebody to put the
trash out. I need somebody. If I dropped something, I
can't pick it up that I need somebody to do that.
So it was a wink and a nod on both or
I'll just have to say on my side. I can
say on my side, but I suspect on her side
as well, but then it's just too costly for me. Now,
(34:50):
I don't want to do this. You know. I my
mother passed. I didn't have to. I didn't do it.
I didn't no longer was I had to do it
with her anymore, even though I could have not done
it before she passed. But I didn't have to experience
that anymore, and so I didn't want to experience in
another relationships anymore.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Here, I know Sierra has to go. Are you still
with us? Sierra? Yeah, okay, okay, I know you have
to go. So are there any final words you have
for Diane before she before you take your leave?
Speaker 4 (35:26):
Yes? Thank you so much Diane for sharing this story.
I know you know this is going to help a
lot of people that are in this situation, believe or now,
there's so many people that struggle with this same situation
that you brought up. But I commend you for your strength,
for your courage, and just for being your true self
and being as assert up as possible to really communicate
(35:49):
your needs and wants and try to talk.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
Through these difficult times.
Speaker 5 (35:54):
Thank you, Thank.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
You, thank you. Sierra. I know you have to run.
We've got lots more to talk about and we're going
to do that when we come back. Welcome back to
(36:20):
the R spot. Today we are talking about an exit strategy.
Isis I know that you're with us. Is there any
support insight that you would like to offer Diane? Because
she's she's getting ready to move? Have you moved yet? Diane?
Are you getting ready to move?
Speaker 5 (36:36):
I'm getting ready to move. I did put a safety nay,
I did a sixty day notice requirement in the lease.
I wrote wrote that into the lease. Okay, get myself
more time so she won't be She's leaving at the
end of this month. I'm leaving at the end of
next month. I have that safety not thing here by myself.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
Good good, Yeah, First band, are you going to be
moving alone or you're moving in with someone else?
Speaker 5 (37:07):
I'm going to be moving alone. I'm actually moving to Vietnam,
So I'm moving alone Vietnam.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
How you how'd you get to Vietnam?
Speaker 5 (37:19):
I live in Southeast Asia. I used to live in
Southeast Asia, and I was going to get a job
in Vietnam, but then COVID came. So I'm going to
go go there now, you know after I leave here.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
Hold up, it's an opportuity. Wait a minute, hold on,
we talk about it strategy. Maybe we need to talk
about maybe we need to talk about an entrance strategy.
You said you're going there and you're going to get
a job, So you don't have a job in Vietnam, No.
Speaker 5 (37:52):
I am, I am my, No, I don't have a
job in Vietnam, but it will be easy for me
to to get one into stayed myself for a long
time there. When I say a long time, I could
stay myself for ten years in Vietnam, but I will
get a job there.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
So have you envisioned yourself with this job and being
successful in whatever that means for you in Vietnam?
Speaker 5 (38:18):
Yes, yes, I've lived in Sweden, I've lived in Brunei,
Southeast Asia. So I'm an emergency manager and planner. So
I've been all around the world in nineteen countries. So
that's one I chose, I did the research on, and
I've been wanting.
Speaker 3 (38:37):
So the reason why I asked, did you envision yourself
being successful there? Were having a job and a home
and being happy because you were at your mom's house
where it didn't seem like you had much goals for
yourself to then transfer over to the roommate ten a
situation to now this woman kind of you know, making
(39:02):
a pivoting on you. Like that's what I just kept hearing,
a pattern of you not really like setting goals for yourself,
like where do you see your future? It's kind of
like you don't have a plan for yourself, so an
exiting plan can be difficult for you. So that's why
I'm asking when you get to Vietnam, like do you
(39:23):
have a plan? Because it seems from what I hear
is a pattern of not really having a plan.
Speaker 5 (39:30):
Well, I'm an emergency manager, so I try I pick
up and travel for different locations.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
When you go there, do you like, where do you
see your future? Like what will what will be the
rainbow at the end for you?
Speaker 5 (39:44):
Okay, it will be creating a sense of community. One,
I will rent a place. I can teach teach English
first so I can get to permit. Then I'll rent
a place and I can do Airbnb on that level,
and also do traveling English with those in who either
(40:04):
from the school, getting referred from the school or to
get backing on the school from the school for traveling
English classes for the locals.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Okay, Okay, I think what I'm hearing here is that
having an exit strategy is not the same thing as
a need to escape, because when you are trying to escape,
you will be reacting and you'll be running, and there's
no need for planning in there. You don't have time
for planning. You are trying to escape that may not
(40:37):
turn out well for you. So understand that an exit
strategy is not the same thing as a way to escape.
You're not just exiting a tenant homeowner situation. You exit
in a country. And the thing that I find interesting
is that, yeah, as that you know, if you you
(41:01):
sound like your expertise is in emergency management, which is
about reacting to what shows up as opposed to planning
it and standing in it. So I want to know
when you get to Vietnam, when you fly over there,
are you flying business or or or economy? How you
(41:27):
fly it? I want to know how you getting out
or what right? How you getting out of here? Did
you get a business that just spring for a business ticket?
Speaker 5 (41:38):
I think I have enough points for business?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
So okay, all right, So you and then where you're
gonna go the first night, where you're gonna be, where
you're gonna sleep.
Speaker 5 (41:48):
I'm going to sleep in one of the Hilton hotels
because I have enough points to stay in the hotel hotels.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Don't you love a Hilton point? I do so love
a Hilton Points. All right, So that's a plan. That's
a plan. Use your points, use your points. But I
think what isis is saying exit with a vision because
you said I don't want to You know, I'm trying
to move into a new situation different than the one
(42:18):
I came out of. So you're going to Vietnam business class.
That means that you're going at a higher level. So
when you land on the ground in Vietnam, hold yourself
to that level. Okay, you are a management manager, you
are a business person. You know how to manage emergencies
(42:39):
and react to needs. But now we want to live
a vision. We want to walk it out, we want
to plan it out. You sound like you have a plan.
I can. I'm going to teach English to travelers. I'm
going to work in the school. Do you know what
you need to do to get your certification or whatever
it is. So the bottom line is show up the
(43:03):
way you want to be treated. You're not coming over
there on the economy plan, you're coming over there on
the business plan. That's a little higher up. You want
to show up, And what we said earlier was ask
for what you want. Be clear about what you want
(43:25):
and ask for it. Don't settle for what shows up.
That's emergency living. You know, if your house burns down
and somebody give you a beer shoes, that's two sides.
It's too big. You got to take them because you
don't have no shoes. You're not going like that. You
understand your exit plan involves having a vision, a specific
(43:46):
vision that you can then enact. Do you have a
Do you have a boyfriends? You're going to get one
when you get over there? Is that in the vision?
It can be, but put everything you want in the vision.
(44:06):
Put it all in the vision. If you're exiting the old,
create a vision that has everything new that you want.
And I wish you the best, the best of luck.
It sounds like you've stood up, took the mask off.
You're not going over there looking for approval. You're going
over there on the authentic business woman, a manager with
a vision for how she wants her life to unfold.
(44:29):
And I wish you the best of luck. Thank you,
Thank you, And you can call us from Vietnam. Call
us when you find a little boyfriend over there. Okay,
that'd be nice thing.
Speaker 4 (44:40):
Now just calling Instagram.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
I have husband. I have posting notes on my wall
and it says focus on the vision. One of them
says I'm strong, and the other one says it's an
open door season. Amen. He's been with me now for
almost two years so and it's kept me so thank you.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
Diane has given us some really good things to think about.
Isis number one, when you create an exit plan, have
a vision for the future, have a vision. You said
you had sticky notes, you had certain things that you wanted.
The other thing I heard, I think I heard you
say you were willing to sleep on a mattress for
(45:22):
nine months if you had to. I think when you
have an exit plan, yeah, I think when you're creating
an exit plan, it's also important to be willing to
do what's necessary for a little while, because sometimes I
think people don't leave, don't move on because they want everything.
You know, they want their creature comforts. But you can
(45:44):
do anything for a little while. Anything, sleep on the mattress,
on the floor, bunk up on somebody's sofa, you and
your kids, sleeping, a sleeping back, whatever. Know that in
your exit plan, be willing to do what's necessary for
as long as it's necessary. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Mencisis it does, And that's exactly what I did. That's
exactly what I did, and that makes sense, And it's
okay to do it. It's the best thing.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
To do it.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
And know that God is always with you when you
doing it.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
Yeah, We've got lots more to talk about in terms
of creating an exit strategy and what it is and
how to do it and how you implement it. So
you know what. This is going to be a two parter,
two parter. We'll be back next week and continue the
conversation about exit strategies. Until then, stay in peace and
(46:40):
not in pieces. Fine. The R Spot is a production
of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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