August 21, 2024 • 49 mins
Like relationships, there are many different types of exit strategies, so Iyanla is giving the topic a second episode. On today's episode, Iyanla and her co-host chat through ways to manage an exit that you can't be completely gone from. Iyanla guides her guest through creating boundaries with an ex when children are involved without creating a false sense of hope with the "wasband."
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am Yamla.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I've been very open about the fact that I was
not always good at making my relationships pork. I have
been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
In other words, I have seen a.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the Our Spot, the
(00:49):
place we come to talk about relationships, all kinds of
relationships and what happens in them and where we fall off,
where we need to get on, where we need to
get off, And that's our topic today, getting off or
getting out, in other words, an exit strategy. Now, we
started this conversation last week with my two co hosts,
(01:11):
Sierra and Isis. Sierra had to leave us, but Isis
is still with us and we're going to continue talking
about an exit strategy. So let me be real clear
what an exit strategy is. It's your plan to be out,
it's your plan to be gone, it's your plan to leave.
And a good exit strategy means you have to plan
(01:33):
something when possible, because, as Isis has shared and as
I have shared, sometimes you don't get the opportunity to plan,
You don't get the opportunity to communicate your intentions. You
just got to be gone. So but a good exit plan,
if you have time to plan your strategy and where
you're going, begins with the vision where you see yourself going,
(01:56):
and then taking into account where you are with your self,
within yourself, taking into account your resources and your support system.
You got to be clear about why you're leaving. If
you're not clear about why you're leaving, whatever it is,
the job, the marriage, the tendency, If you're not clear,
(02:17):
chances are you can be sucked in talked in to
coming back. You also have to have a clear vision
about where you are going, not just physically, but where
you're going mentally, where you're going emotionally, Where you're going physically,
Did I say that where you're going physically, where you're
(02:37):
going emotionally, and where you're going mentally. Those are things
that you can do for you within you. You've got
to be clear. My guests have spoken about wanting to
be authentic, wanting to be free, wanting to pursue a
different way in life. That's important for you to understand
(02:57):
where you're going. The other thing is is about an
exit strategy. You've got to look at the hard facts.
Do you have what it takes to maintain yourself? I
cannot tell you the number of people that stay in relationships,
stay on jobs, stay in situationships and entanglements because they
simply don't have the means to take care of themselves.
(03:21):
So while they don't want to be where they are,
they're dependent upon the person. You got to clean that up.
So you may have a vision of leaving. It may
take you an actual year or more to get out,
but that speaks to always being able to stand on
your own two feet. And I know they are housewives
(03:42):
or husband house husbands, they're stay at home moms. They're
all kinds of situations where we haven't been able to
gather our resources or hold on to them. But that
doesn't mean you can't have an exit strategy. So we're
going to continue that conversation today. Miss Isis, my co host,
(04:02):
is still with me, and we've got guests and we're
going to talk to them, and we encourage you to
take notes because you never know when you are going
to need an exit strategy. Let me see what my
next guest has to say about an exit strategy. Greetings,
(04:24):
we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. Thank
you for your patience. We're talking about exit strategies today.
Now do you have one or do you need one?
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Well? I left, so physically physically I'm fine, but emotionally
I need an exit strategy. This was a twenty five
year marriage and we are so entangled. It's like, you know,
I physically left, but I'm still there.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Wow, that is such a good point. You need a
physical exit strategy, you need a mental exit strategy, and
you need an emotional exit strategy. So when you say
you're still there, tell me more.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (05:13):
So I still need him to pick the kids up.
You know, our budgets and now I have another household,
so you know, I need him to help me still
feed the kids and help me still run them the sports,
and you know, and then mentally he was even though
it was rough, he was, you know, my best friend,
(05:33):
and we depended on each other. So we don't have
these outer networks. So even when stuff happens, I think
about him first, to talk to so we just so
entwined with each other, but the relationship isn't there.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Well why did you leave? Why did you.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
Couldn't breathe infidelity through a lot of emotional stress and
just a lot of just a lot of stuff, you know,
And I finally and I had checked out a while ago.
He had checked out a while ago, but you know,
I didn't have the means to leave. Finally got a
(06:15):
better job, got a way to get out, and I left.
But he literally is there like every single day.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
All right, So you didn't have an exit strategy. You
just left.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Yeah, Okay, that's didn't have a vision, Nope, didn't have
a plan. Okay, so now that you're gone, these are
the things that you have to work on, a vision
and a plan for the new normal, because this is
a new normal, right. You know he's not in the house,
(06:54):
but you're still depending on him. Right, So what is
the what is the emotional tie? Because these things that
you're talking about are not necessarily emotional. What's your emotional tie?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
I feel bad for him?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
You do?
Speaker 3 (07:15):
I do? I? You know, I will push him away
and just be like, okay, this is my space. You
gotta go home. You got to give us the space.
And you know, I feel bad because he's got to
go back to that house all by himself, and you know,
he's sorry, and I can't. You know, he says, oh,
you should forgive me. You know, you stayed through all
(07:37):
this infidelity. Why this time? You know? And I don't know.
I just start questioning myself, in doubting myself, like, well,
you know maybe, and then the face. I didn't grow
up with my dad, So that's another That's why I
really stay so long. It's because I wanted my kids
to have that too parent facade. Noah, No, that wasn't real.
(07:57):
But you know, I just I stayed and now I
feel like I'm gone, but he can't. He still needs us,
you know, and he reminds me of that every single day.
I need my family. I need y'all. I need y'all.
But it truly is draining me.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
It's abusive. Hi, how were you? Thank you for sharing?
This is isis? That's abusive. What he's doing. That's a
manipulation at its best. I was married fifteen years. My
husband was diagnosed as a narcissist. I had no idea
what it was. He manipulated me, He made me feel
(08:41):
the same as what you're saying. We didn't have any
kids together, but we got married. My youngest was two
and a half turning three, and he's disabled, so we
were very entwined for a long time, even after I left.
(09:01):
But it's just manipulation, you know, the right thing to do.
Your perception is not wrong. He's gaslighting you. That's what
I dealt with, and I'm praying for you to be
honest with you.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
So we are.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
It's hard, it's real hard, and they make you feel
like you the bad guy. He's at that house by
himself because he deserves to be at that house by himself,
because the way he's treated you. I had to learn
to put myself first. I had to learn it, and
(09:42):
it's the best thing.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
I have done, Beloved.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I want to know what do you hear Isa saying
to you now the words that she spoke. I want
to hear what you hear her say that you matter?
Mm hmmm?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Who matters me? Okay? So own it?
Speaker 4 (10:07):
I matter? I matter?
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And what else? What else do you hear her saying
to you?
Speaker 3 (10:18):
It's not my fault.
Speaker 4 (10:21):
In that.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
What's not your fault?
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Helm not being alone?
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Mm?
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Hmm. And that he can make it, he can make
it on his own. That he's deceiving me by making
me think that he can't make it without us.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Well, I find it interesting that you've made what you
heard from her, which was directed toward you, You've made
it about him. Are you aware of that he can
make it?
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Well, okay, so see this is this is really speaks
to the importance of an exit strategy, and I think
it was isis earlier on set, work on you, work
on you, because the exit strategy is just it's not
just about getting out or leaving. It's about how do
(11:17):
you navigate the new place and how do you stay gone?
You have never left. You're still there because you didn't
have a vision, you didn't have a plan, you didn't
have a strategy. You got the money to get your
own place, and your left, didn't You know how old
are your children?
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Nineteen, fifteen and four.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Okay, so the nineteen and the fifteen they can get
them their own set.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Where do you live? You live in the city, you
live in a country in the bush? Where do you live?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
I live in the suburbs New York?
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Okay, okay, so can the children the nineteen and the
fifteen year old. Can they get to where they need
to be without him having to come get them?
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Maybe? I mean, well, here's the thing that I say,
maybe because the fifteen year old maybe not so much,
you know, because she does she's the baby fifteen, she's
my nineteen year old. I've talked to it. I've talked
to him and I told him, I said, I need
you to stop up. You can take my car, you
can get word navigate. I'm at work all day. You
(12:35):
can use my car. But his father comes and he
takes over. No, you don't need to let her have
her car. I'll drive you like he just is just
always on us. Every time I make a plan, he
comes and changes it.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Again. You're making it about him.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Here's what I want you to own this, if you
can see, if you can own this all right, I
am a single mother. I am a mother raising three
kids alone. Can you own that?
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Let me hear it. I don't. I don't hear it.
I'm not hearing ownership here. I am a mother.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Yeah, I am a single mother raising three kids alone.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Okay, so now you are a single mother raising three
kids alone? Who and you work and the children have
to get to certain places. How do you navigate that
as a single mom? Just let's just take him out
the picture. He moved to Vietnam.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
He's in Vietnam. Isis? That has meaning? Isis?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
And the listeners? Okay, so here he's gone. Let's say
he's gone. What do you what do you do tomorrow
with these three kids? And he's gone? Because see you're
speaking betrays you. You're speaking betrays you. You made a
choice to move out, but you're never left, right, you
(14:11):
never left because had you left, you would have had
a plan as a single mom for what to do
with your kids, with your children?
Speaker 1 (14:22):
What the hell?
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Right?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Who did you think was going to pick him up?
If you didn't have a plan.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
I thought, honestly, I thought that he was going to
be able to come to that front door. I would
push them out and go they go?
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Why are you depending upon the man that you left?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Hello? Help me, I'm old?
Speaker 4 (14:46):
No, Why are you well?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Why have you Why have you built a plan and
a strategy on a man that you left. What are
the boundaries that you've created? What are the responsibilities of
co parenting? Because this could look very different. Okay, you
have him, this week, I have him next week, when
you have him, don't come to my house when I
(15:12):
have him. When you have them, I won't come to
your house when I have them. You don't come to mind.
You're a single mom raising three kids. You need a
whole new approach.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Right, you left him.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
But then you depend upon him. What the hell right
you're speaking betrays you have not left this marriage. You're
punishing him.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
For what he did to you.
Speaker 4 (15:33):
That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
That's what it is.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
Because a boundary needs to be aligned, needs to You understand,
when I left him, he didn't know where I was at.
I messed up by giving him the address of the
home I was buying. He popped up after I moved in,
and I told him, you ever come back, You're gonna
You're gonna have problems. But you got it because he's
now welcome. This is my privacy, this is my home. Goodbye.
(16:03):
So how do I use that now?
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Because I feel like i'm you know, I have let
this go for five months. Now, how do I stand
up and say, Okay, I can own this. I can
own the fact that I'm a single Mohammed, He's in
three kids, and I need you to stay where you are.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Well, she's got there has to be communication because they
are children involved. Oh true, But what you're shifting out of,
what you're shifting out of is a joint dwelling where
you and him live together. And now you're in a
cold parenting situation. And sure, the children want to be
(16:46):
with him. He wants to be with the children, but
you've created a situation that's unsustainable because you can't be
a single mom with three children totally dependent on your
ex husband or your husband your husband, totally dependent on
your husband to help you with the children.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
The first thing you.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
Doesn't want to be with the children. He wants to
be with me. He could care less about them.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Well huh, okay, well there you go. Good piece of
information to have. But see, he's going to do that
until you get clear. I didn't move out, I'm leaving
the marriage.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
You just moved out. You're still in the marriage.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Have you been to court to get your child supported
in your alimony? Have you filed for divorce? What's really
going on here?
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Well?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
Hello, yeah, does he give you money?
Speaker 3 (17:43):
Yeah? But it's a fight.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
What's the fight? It's called c O U RT court fight.
That's what it's called.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Yeah, it's always my bill. What I gotta do. So
that I did, just have a conversation with him and
tell him, like, look, if you don't do it, get
this is some out. I need to take care of
your kids monthly. I am going to take you for
child support.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Is this the first time you all have separated?
Speaker 1 (18:17):
No, so you moved out.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Before or he moved out before I did. Okay, so
he thinks you're joking. He thinks you're joking. He's going
to do what he did to get you to come back.
Are you going back to this marriage?
Speaker 4 (18:34):
No?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Why why aren't you going? Why aren't you going back?
Speaker 3 (18:41):
The means that I am right now. It just I
want to do things that he doesn't see, you know.
I want to do grown woman things. I want to travel,
I want to invest. I want to pursue my passions,
write my book, tell my stories. Hopefully let my scars
encourage other people. Like I have a whole destiny on
(19:01):
my life that I can't do because I'm at home
being broadbeatd you know, being made to felt like everything
is about him. So I just I need to be
free to do what I gotta do I feel like
pulling me out and I just for some reason, my
feet are stuck.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
No, you don't be good the question, well, okay, I
think you're doing good.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
Already more work to do, she has more work to do,
but she's already made. But she she's shivering and she weary,
but she she took a step out there. So that's
a good first step of it. But now you need
to start making a list what you need to do,
making yourself strong, reminding yourself. This is all for your
freedom to get to what you want out of life,
(19:52):
your goals, and this is only a hurdle. You need
to just overcome and go get that PaperWorks, Go do that.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Child.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
We've got lots more to talk about in terms of
leaving but not being gone, and we're going to do
that when we come back. Welcome back to the art spy.
(20:22):
I'm hearing some things in my caller, and it seems
to me that she left, but she's not really gone,
So I want to explore that a little bit. The
first thing she has to do is stand up in
her choice, and I'm not clear what the choice is.
Do you want to be out of this marriage? Do
(20:44):
you want to be divorced. Or do you want him
to just come to his senses and be a better
man so that you'all can continue in your life together.
What is your true desire? Okay, so you're complete with
the marriage.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
I'm complete with the marriage.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Okay? Are you complete with him?
Speaker 3 (21:06):
I would like us to be friends.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Here's the question that would be the answer had the
question been do you want to be friend with him?
Here's the question. Are you complete with him? Are you
complete with him?
Speaker 3 (21:22):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
That means can you see your life? Can you see
your life one year, three years, five years, ten years
down the road with him playing absolutely no part in
your life but co parenting and being a part of
your children's lives.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Can you see that?
Speaker 3 (21:41):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Yes, Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Now I want you to check between I want you
to check between your big toe and.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Your second toe.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
I want you to think about that place and find
out if there's a woman down in between your toes
that still.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Wants to give him a little bit every now and then.
Is she down in the toe?
Speaker 4 (22:00):
No?
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Okay? Check under your left breast.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Is there a woman up under your left breast that
could still be talked into, manipulated, guided in the moment
of weakness to give him some Is.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
She under there?
Speaker 2 (22:16):
No, okay, check your ear load, check your right ear load.
Check and see in your right ear load there's anybody
in there that looks at him with a longing eye. No, okay,
all right, Because as long as there's a part of
you that wants him, and I hear you saying that,
(22:37):
I hear you saying that. But as long as there
is a part of you that wants him and you
don't get her.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
In check, you in trouble.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
So you check under the left breast, the right breast,
You check all your puper cares, You check your armpit,
check behind your ear and make sure that there's no
part of you that's still wants him. And should you
find a part of him that says, if only he could,
and maybe he will. If you're finding that part of her,
(23:08):
I want you to take her, that part of you,
put her in the closet in the dark with two
knit needles, and tell her to knit you a sweater
in the dark, because as long as she's there, you're
gonna play these games.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
This is a game.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, you are now a single mother with three children.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
I wrote it down.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
How do you plan.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
How do you plan to transport your children around without
employing the services of your whatsman? How do you do that?
You got friends? Are their mothers in the school or
their other parents in the block? First of all, I
want to know why you got a four year old?
What the hell is that?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Fifteen and four?
Speaker 3 (23:57):
You know I didn't miss that.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
That didn't slide past me.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Well, you know, I didn't really have the equipment to
have her, So that is definitely she was a miracle.
She was not supposed to happen. I don't even know
my dad. A broken tube and a missing tube, there
was supposed to be nothing getting through there. But she came,
and she came. I found out I was pregnant right
(24:22):
when I found out that he had been in a
nine month relationship with another woman. And you know, being
as ghost as I am, so I was like, what
I'm gonna do? You know, at this age, y'all.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Just got to.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Listen to me. I don't want you to talk about
him no more. I don't care if he slept with
the Queen of England naked on your living room floor,
because you're making yourself a.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Victim, not a victim.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
How long were you married twenty five years.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Oops, didn't work. Here we go. That's it.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Stop telling the just stuck in the story. Yeah, and
that's the part of you that will still warn him.
If only he would maybe he means it this time,
Maybe he's maybe we can. I'm telling you, check your
right breast. She's in there. Somebody's in there. She's gonna
get you. Every woman needs a posse. You need a posse.
Speaker 3 (25:22):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
You don't have a posse.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
You know that that that group of women that the
rideing die with you.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
You don't have a posse. That's a problem.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
So here we are, single mom with three kids and
a manipulating husband.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
What you're gonna do?
Speaker 2 (25:40):
What's your ex what is your exit strategy?
Speaker 3 (25:46):
I need that nineteen year old just to really step
up and just own the plan, because if he can
do the driving and the transporting, you know, then not
that would help. That would cut out a huge a dependency.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Well, you know, I'm old school. I'm old school. I'm
old school. Forgive me, I'm old school. I hear what
you're saying. But he's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Is he going to college?
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Yes, but he's not doing nothing for the summer but working.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Okay, but you got to live beyond the summer, my love,
What are you going to do in September?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
If he goes to college?
Speaker 4 (26:31):
I got him my.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Way to college.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
No, he's gonna be home.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Yeah, okay, see I just I just helped me.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Isis because I you're asking him to do something that
you can't do. You're asking your nineteen year old to
do something for you that you didn't plan for. That's
not his life, that's your life. That's a I know,
I I know I'm being hard on your mama, I know,
(27:04):
but I call for help.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
It's necessary.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
He is nineteen. So I have a twenty year old
and a twenty five year old and he is nineteen.
Now he does live with you, correct, yes, and he
lives rent free yes okay, and so food free.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Light free, anything you need free.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
But he's going to school. Make him.
Speaker 2 (27:36):
Make him get a job after school or during school
or work study or whatever. So he has his little
money that you don't have to give him.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Let him put Okay, still have his money, but he
doesn't manage his money well. So I'm always feeling in
the gap.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
About well, that's a problem. He's nineteen. If he got
to walk because he's spending his money. If his phone
go off because he pay it. Come on, Mama, you
got to step up. I'm you're right, you're right.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
But I'm very dependent on you. He's very dependent on
you as well, right, yeah, yeah, okay, they all are
all three other woman three you're superwoman. Uh huh, you're
a superwoman. This is a hard one because if my
(28:30):
daughter when she was here, she would help me out
with some stuff. But she was driving a car without
having to pay for it and stuff, and I was
doing the insurance and everything. So I helped her out.
She was an adult, she paid her way through college.
Now you know, she's moved on with her life. So
(28:53):
she does help me with her brother, even though now
he's an adult, like she's in Little Rock. I send him.
He'll spend like a week with her to give me
a break. So it's kind of hard with that. It's
really hard to say. But with him being still dependent
on you, you probably do need to talk to him more
(29:14):
about being a big brother and setting the example and
see what he's willing to do in support of the family.
You get what I mean like that, So then it's
not like you're putting an ask on him. But I
do believe that it's ultimately your responsibility to set something
up on the transportation with the kids. Maybe you can
(29:40):
try to hire somebody to do that, someone who just
does the right because I actually did that for my
two oldest nieces a long, long time ago. I used
to pick both of them up from both of their
schools and you know, bring them to my mother's house
and take mothers to my niece, to my sisters. They
pay me to do it, so it wasn't a lot
(30:03):
of money. It was just like the gas, but it
was just the fact that, you know, I was able
to get them and spend time. But I didn't mind
doing it because my daughter was very young and I
wasn't working full time. So you could find a mom
that you could hire to support you.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Possibly, I've got a list. I've got a list. I'm
listening to you talking. I've got a list. First of all,
once you make up your mind that you're complete, that
you're leaving, be willing to ask for help. Be willing
to ask for help, because sometimes when we are exiting,
(30:41):
our pride gets in the way and we try to
do everything. We don't want anybody to know our business. No, no,
be willing to ask for help and then asking for help,
be sure to ask for what you need. Now, this
is a very very important part I heard, miss isis
say this, and it's educate the children. That means be sure,
(31:02):
if they're old enough, you be sure to tell them
you know what information to give and what information not
to give. That's very very delicate because sometimes if they
have a relationship with the parent, the other parent they
you know, will just oh, well, we're living over at
Aunt Tillies and we went to the pizza shop over
(31:25):
on you know, West Blaine. So how you do that
is very very delicate. I think throughout the process, particularly
if there are children involved, communication is key, and don't
make the children responsible. You can almost make it fun.
I learned with my kids that children will do anything
(31:47):
for pizza. Anything you promise pizza, they will do anything.
So you say, listen, me and daddy are not going
to be living together. He's trying to find a way.
I'm trying to find a way. Or if you're a man,
you know me and mommy, or if it's the same section,
whatever your situation is, and tell the children, so listen
(32:08):
right now, we're in transition.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
We're in a different way.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
So we got to be careful about how we talk
about where we are. Things are going to settle down,
things are going to be okay. But right now, let's
not tell everybody that we're living over at aren't felicious.
You know, find a way to talk to the children
so that it doesn't frighten them. It gives them the
(32:32):
necessary information and you know, it communicates to them what's
going on. I want to I want to be sensitive
and mindful of those situations where you are in danger.
Where you are in danger, whether it's physical violence or
(32:57):
sometimes even emotional violence, and you get to that moment
when you have to exit, if you don't have a strategy,
at the very least, find the nearest shelter, find the
nearest women's center, find your nearest police station, find out
(33:19):
whose sofa you can be on for a week or
two before you just jump up or say anything. If
you have the opportunity, at least put those pieces in
place so that you can be safe. Safety must be
a part of your exit strategy.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
We'll be right back after this Welcome back.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
We're talking about an exit strategy and what makes an
exit strategy necessary. Well, sometimes the relationship has just broken down,
as they would say in the legal system, irreputable differences.
They cannot be fixed, they will not be fixed. Sometimes
(34:16):
you're just miserable, you're unhappy, they're unhappy. You've just got
to get out. And sometimes it's just time. It's just time.
You've grown apart, you're moving in different directions. Maybe who
you are now is not who you were when you
got together, and you want to spread your wings, you know,
(34:38):
flap your wings, whatever you want to do with them.
Sometimes it's just time. Honor that intuitive thing. Honor that
intuitive part of you that says, this is done, this
is over. And when you get that, don't try to
make up reasons to stay. And yes, it will be difficult,
(35:02):
it will be challenging. Don't get caught up in the story.
Don't get caught up in the story. And here's a
piece where people sometimes get stuck. What are they going
to do without me? Or what am I going to
do without them? If you can avoid asking that question,
avoid it at all costs. Exit strategy. Let's continue with
(35:24):
the conversation. Yeah, here's the thing, here's the thing, and
I have to advocate for the son because I can't
speak for his dad. You know, he's in a critical
place in his life. He's got all his puper cares now,
he's got you know, miss the man and his two
(35:44):
people down there. You know, does he have a girlfriend.
He's getting ready to go to college. He's going to
have to deal with the stress of college. He's finding hisself.
The last thing he needs to do right now is
to become responsible for his mother.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
He don't need to do that now.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
I do believe that once he gets his college schedule,
you can say, boo boo Tuesday and Thursday, I need
you to pick up your sister. Okay, because once he
has midterms and research and maybe football or he got
the little girlfriend he he this is his time. He
(36:25):
didn't end his marriage. You did right, and you also
want to give him to So make it two or
three days a week. Then if you have to hire somebody,
it's only two days or three days. You know, to
move the other kids around. Hundreds of thousands of women
do this all the time. You have to figure this out.
(36:47):
And we're not asking you to be a superwoman. We're
asking you to have a clear vision, a plan and boundaries.
Because you exited without a plan. See all of this
you should have did before you paid your security deposit
on you apartment.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
And you didn't.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Here we are what is your vision? What is your vision?
My vision is that me and my three children are
going to live in this house. And again, is there
a possibility that they're with you a week and with.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
Him a week?
Speaker 3 (37:18):
Right?
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Is that a possibility. Is it a possibility that maybe
two days a week you can work from home so
that you can go get the kids. Is that a possibility?
Have you asked for what you needed even in your
work experience? Is that a possibility? So you got to
open up, get out of the story. Oh he did
(37:41):
me wrong, he didn't me bad. I'm forced now to
live over here in the bushes with the squirrels. No,
what do you need? Make a list of what you need.
I need somebody to handle a four year old. I
need somebody to get the fifteen year old here. I
need somebody to get the nineteen year old here. I
need you know whatever, Make a list of what you need,
(38:05):
and your vision is to get it handled with Grayson ees?
So can the kids be with him a week? Or
can if the sun can do it? Two days of
the week. He can arrange his college schedule that way,
because you don't want him to become overwhelmed and drop
(38:27):
out of school.
Speaker 4 (38:28):
Yeah, No, I don't want that, right, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:31):
And this is really his time. He's nineteen, he's learning independence, interdependence,
developing relationships. He's going into college. He's got to do
his own study, his own research. He's got to move
around classes, he's got to navigate that. And yes, he
can pick his brother up or sister up or whatever
(38:53):
it is, two days a week. And then here's the
big part. Clutch you girls. Clutch your pearls right now.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
Clutch them.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
You have to have a clear com You have to
have a clear conversation with the woodsman. And the conversation
is this is what I'm doing, This is what I'm
asking you to do, This is what I need, and
this is what I'm asking you for and we can
do it privately, quietly among ourselves, or I can go
(39:23):
to court. And no, I'm not coming back to you.
I am complete. Put some base in your voice, grab
on to your lady balls and put that boy in
this place. You got lady balls. Do you know where
your lady balls are?
Speaker 3 (39:40):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
And your lady balls have to have more hair on
him than his dogs.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Hey man, you got some work to do, my beloved,
You've got some work to do. All of the things
that we talked about. The first thing is get a
vision for a year from now when me and miss
Isis are gone on doing whatever we're doing. What do
you want your life to look like? The next step?
(40:15):
What do you need? What do you need the next step?
What resources do you have the next step? What role
are you asking him to play? And then you create
clear boundaries. You enjoy your line in the sand, you know.
And if it becomes a matter of you or him,
(40:43):
you know, the husband and his feelings. I don't know
why you're feeling sorry for him. You need to go
have some apple liquor and get over that.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
But anyway, if.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
It becomes a matter of you and him, take him down.
And I don't mean in a negative derogatory way, but
I mean, get what you need because you got three
young ones that you gotta deal with. You the mama bear.
And see the thing about the Mama bear. When she's
all four, she's nice and sweet and she's playing with
(41:16):
the kids, and you know, she's picking berries but when
she stands up on her two hind legs, she getting
ready to jack somebody up. Get up on your two
hind legs, lady, Come on, mama, bear up on your
two hind legs. I am a single woman raising three
children alone. They have a father, and this is the
(41:39):
level of participation I'm requesting of him. So you're kind
of backtracking your you're kind of backtracking your exit strategy.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
But that's okay.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
You can put it in place now because you're didn't exit,
you just moved out, So now we're getting ready to exit.
Does that make sense to you? Miss Isis, I'm a
little harder than you are. I'm hardcore. I'm sorry that
does that does make sense?
Speaker 4 (42:08):
No, everything you're saying is exactly what needs to happen.
The vision is first. Yeah, yeah, probably budget in the
child support, any transportation, because you guys could split that
cost when you go to child support.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
Okay, And like I said, can he keep them a week?
Speaker 1 (42:33):
Can they be two weeks for two two weeks with him?
Two weeks for two two weeks for them?
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Are you all living in the same area where he
can get him to school? He takes care of them.
Your two weeks. You worry about your your two weeks.
He takes care of him his two weeks. You worry
about him your two weeks. And that'll give you to me.
You know, if you got to pick up a second
job so that you can pay the transportation or whatever
it can. Hundreds of thousands of women do it every day.
(43:02):
Join the club.
Speaker 3 (43:03):
Hello, Well, thank you ladies. Time I do. I made
so many notes.
Speaker 4 (43:13):
Thank you. You welcome your time.
Speaker 3 (43:19):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Take your time, bathe, get you, get you some apple liquor,
and sit down and make a plan, make your strategy.
Speaker 3 (43:26):
Okay, okay, I love it.
Speaker 2 (43:32):
Well, okay, alrighty, thank you so much. Miss Isis. I
want to thank you. You have some powerful insights. I
know I'm a little harder than you. I'm from Brooklyn,
you're from Chicago. You're all a little soft around the edges.
Speaker 1 (43:44):
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Anything y'all want you want to leave our listeners with.
In terms of creating an exit strategy, I.
Speaker 4 (43:57):
Would probably say my favorite scripture I can do all
things with Christ. That's what I want to leave everybody with.
Just remember that and stay humble, stay true to God,
try to be as righteous as possible in this time
when you are making an exit plan, just know God
is with you. He has not left you. But if
(44:18):
your situation is bad, ask yourself, is this a part
of God's plans? Because most likely the answer is know
a part of his plan is you accident? So that's
what I want to leave everybody with.
Speaker 1 (44:34):
Thank you so much, Percises.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
I appreciate you, and good luck to you and your
future endeavors. Exit strategy, Exit strategy. We've got some good
good notes for you today. As our last caller demonstrated,
you got to have the strategy to get out before
you leave. And leaving isn't just about being gone. Leaving
(44:56):
is about navigating the new normal, creating the new normal.
And how do you stay gone? And particularly if you're
a woman, I'm telling you check between your toads under
your breast and your armpit behind your ear low, because
if there's any part of you that is still entertaining
a relationship with him, you're in a weak position. Have
(45:20):
your vision. Have your vision. As our second caller demonstrated
to us, you got to have a vision for where
you're going and what it's going to look like, and
show up in the new place in the way you
want to be handled. If you left an economy position
and you're moving into premium economy, show up that way.
(45:42):
If you left premium economy and you showing you moving
into a business class or first class, show up that way.
That means how you present yourself, how you hold yourself,
how you're thinking. The other thing I think in the
exit strategy, and this is very important, get out of
the story. Stay out of the story of what happened
(46:06):
and why it happened, and if only it hadn't happened,
and what would have happened if it hadn't Forget that.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Forget that.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
You can process that through your prayers. You can process
that through your breathing, you can process that through your journaling.
Keep your eye focused on the vision for moving forward,
and process your feelings as you go along. Yeah, this
is so important. And extra strategy is your plan, and
(46:34):
it's best that you set it up before you leave
as you're in whatever relationship it is. Because our second
caller wasn't leaving a marriage or a relationship. She was
leaving a tendency, okay, but she was clear that how
she showed up as a tenant wasn't authentic.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
So be authentic. Be authentic.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
If I had one other thing to say to our
last caller, it would be well, I think I did say,
she's got to have a conversation with him. With him,
draw your line in the sand, and if they cross it,
don't back up. Draw your line in the sand and
have clear consequences about what happens if they cross that line.
(47:20):
And here's the big thing. Whether it's a partner, a spouse,
a family member, a job, a landlord, you don't have
to stop loving the person, but you do get to
choose the level of access you give them. Say yes
(47:41):
to the love, no to the access. Say yes to
the love, but no, you can no longer access me
or my life in that way. Exit strategies, they are important.
We didn't get a lot of time to talk about
your exit strategy from Bad Behave, But you can use
any of these things that we've talked about to create yours.
(48:06):
Have your exit strategy, have your little pool and your
pennies over on the side. Check yourself out to make
sure that all parts of you are in agreement and
alignment with the exit. Okay, otherwise you'll be back and forth.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
And pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
Breathe and pray, pray and breathe, breathe and pray, pray
and breathe. That sometimes that's all you got to hang
on too. I hope you've heard something today that will
help you, support you, give you some guidelines and tips,
open your eyes about the importance of an exit strategy.
(48:47):
I'll see you next time. Until then, stay in peace
and not in pieces. Bye. Ther Spot is a production
of audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
(49:10):
you listen to your favorite show.
I am Yamla.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I've been very open about the fact that I was
not always good at making my relationships pork. I have
been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
In other words, I have seen a.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the Our Spot, the
(00:49):
place we come to talk about relationships, all kinds of
relationships and what happens in them and where we fall off,
where we need to get on, where we need to
get off, And that's our topic today, getting off or
getting out, in other words, an exit strategy. Now, we
started this conversation last week with my two co hosts,
(01:11):
Sierra and Isis. Sierra had to leave us, but Isis
is still with us and we're going to continue talking
about an exit strategy. So let me be real clear
what an exit strategy is. It's your plan to be out,
it's your plan to be gone, it's your plan to leave.
And a good exit strategy means you have to plan
(01:33):
something when possible, because, as Isis has shared and as
I have shared, sometimes you don't get the opportunity to plan,
You don't get the opportunity to communicate your intentions. You
just got to be gone. So but a good exit plan,
if you have time to plan your strategy and where
you're going, begins with the vision where you see yourself going,
(01:56):
and then taking into account where you are with your self,
within yourself, taking into account your resources and your support system.
You got to be clear about why you're leaving. If
you're not clear about why you're leaving, whatever it is,
the job, the marriage, the tendency, If you're not clear,
(02:17):
chances are you can be sucked in talked in to
coming back. You also have to have a clear vision
about where you are going, not just physically, but where
you're going mentally, where you're going emotionally, Where you're going physically,
Did I say that where you're going physically, where you're
(02:37):
going emotionally, and where you're going mentally. Those are things
that you can do for you within you. You've got
to be clear. My guests have spoken about wanting to
be authentic, wanting to be free, wanting to pursue a
different way in life. That's important for you to understand
(02:57):
where you're going. The other thing is is about an
exit strategy. You've got to look at the hard facts.
Do you have what it takes to maintain yourself? I
cannot tell you the number of people that stay in relationships,
stay on jobs, stay in situationships and entanglements because they
simply don't have the means to take care of themselves.
(03:21):
So while they don't want to be where they are,
they're dependent upon the person. You got to clean that up.
So you may have a vision of leaving. It may
take you an actual year or more to get out,
but that speaks to always being able to stand on
your own two feet. And I know they are housewives
(03:42):
or husband house husbands, they're stay at home moms. They're
all kinds of situations where we haven't been able to
gather our resources or hold on to them. But that
doesn't mean you can't have an exit strategy. So we're
going to continue that conversation today. Miss Isis, my co host,
(04:02):
is still with me, and we've got guests and we're
going to talk to them, and we encourage you to
take notes because you never know when you are going
to need an exit strategy. Let me see what my
next guest has to say about an exit strategy. Greetings,
(04:24):
we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. Thank
you for your patience. We're talking about exit strategies today.
Now do you have one or do you need one?
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Well? I left, so physically physically I'm fine, but emotionally
I need an exit strategy. This was a twenty five
year marriage and we are so entangled. It's like, you know,
I physically left, but I'm still there.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Wow, that is such a good point. You need a
physical exit strategy, you need a mental exit strategy, and
you need an emotional exit strategy. So when you say
you're still there, tell me more.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (05:13):
So I still need him to pick the kids up.
You know, our budgets and now I have another household,
so you know, I need him to help me still
feed the kids and help me still run them the sports,
and you know, and then mentally he was even though
it was rough, he was, you know, my best friend,
(05:33):
and we depended on each other. So we don't have
these outer networks. So even when stuff happens, I think
about him first, to talk to so we just so
entwined with each other, but the relationship isn't there.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Well why did you leave? Why did you.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
Couldn't breathe infidelity through a lot of emotional stress and
just a lot of just a lot of stuff, you know,
And I finally and I had checked out a while ago.
He had checked out a while ago, but you know,
I didn't have the means to leave. Finally got a
(06:15):
better job, got a way to get out, and I left.
But he literally is there like every single day.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
All right, So you didn't have an exit strategy. You
just left.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Yeah, Okay, that's didn't have a vision, Nope, didn't have
a plan. Okay, so now that you're gone, these are
the things that you have to work on, a vision
and a plan for the new normal, because this is
a new normal, right. You know he's not in the house,
(06:54):
but you're still depending on him. Right, So what is
the what is the emotional tie? Because these things that
you're talking about are not necessarily emotional. What's your emotional tie?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
I feel bad for him?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
You do?
Speaker 3 (07:15):
I do? I? You know, I will push him away
and just be like, okay, this is my space. You
gotta go home. You got to give us the space.
And you know, I feel bad because he's got to
go back to that house all by himself, and you know,
he's sorry, and I can't. You know, he says, oh,
you should forgive me. You know, you stayed through all
(07:37):
this infidelity. Why this time? You know? And I don't know.
I just start questioning myself, in doubting myself, like, well,
you know maybe, and then the face. I didn't grow
up with my dad, So that's another That's why I
really stay so long. It's because I wanted my kids
to have that too parent facade. Noah, No, that wasn't real.
(07:57):
But you know, I just I stayed and now I
feel like I'm gone, but he can't. He still needs us,
you know, and he reminds me of that every single day.
I need my family. I need y'all. I need y'all.
But it truly is draining me.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
It's abusive. Hi, how were you? Thank you for sharing?
This is isis? That's abusive. What he's doing. That's a
manipulation at its best. I was married fifteen years. My
husband was diagnosed as a narcissist. I had no idea
what it was. He manipulated me, He made me feel
(08:41):
the same as what you're saying. We didn't have any
kids together, but we got married. My youngest was two
and a half turning three, and he's disabled, so we
were very entwined for a long time, even after I left.
(09:01):
But it's just manipulation, you know, the right thing to do.
Your perception is not wrong. He's gaslighting you. That's what
I dealt with, and I'm praying for you to be
honest with you.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
So we are.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
It's hard, it's real hard, and they make you feel
like you the bad guy. He's at that house by
himself because he deserves to be at that house by himself,
because the way he's treated you. I had to learn
to put myself first. I had to learn it, and
(09:42):
it's the best thing.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
I have done, Beloved.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I want to know what do you hear Isa saying
to you now the words that she spoke. I want
to hear what you hear her say that you matter?
Mm hmmm?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Who matters me? Okay? So own it?
Speaker 4 (10:07):
I matter? I matter?
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And what else? What else do you hear her saying
to you?
Speaker 3 (10:18):
It's not my fault.
Speaker 4 (10:21):
In that.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
What's not your fault?
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Helm not being alone?
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Mm?
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Hmm. And that he can make it, he can make
it on his own. That he's deceiving me by making
me think that he can't make it without us.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Well, I find it interesting that you've made what you
heard from her, which was directed toward you, You've made
it about him. Are you aware of that he can
make it?
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Well, okay, so see this is this is really speaks
to the importance of an exit strategy, and I think
it was isis earlier on set, work on you, work
on you, because the exit strategy is just it's not
just about getting out or leaving. It's about how do
(11:17):
you navigate the new place and how do you stay gone?
You have never left. You're still there because you didn't
have a vision, you didn't have a plan, you didn't
have a strategy. You got the money to get your
own place, and your left, didn't You know how old
are your children?
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Nineteen, fifteen and four.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Okay, so the nineteen and the fifteen they can get
them their own set.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Where do you live? You live in the city, you
live in a country in the bush? Where do you live?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
I live in the suburbs New York?
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Okay, okay, so can the children the nineteen and the
fifteen year old. Can they get to where they need
to be without him having to come get them?
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Maybe? I mean, well, here's the thing that I say,
maybe because the fifteen year old maybe not so much,
you know, because she does she's the baby fifteen, she's
my nineteen year old. I've talked to it. I've talked
to him and I told him, I said, I need
you to stop up. You can take my car, you
can get word navigate. I'm at work all day. You
(12:35):
can use my car. But his father comes and he
takes over. No, you don't need to let her have
her car. I'll drive you like he just is just
always on us. Every time I make a plan, he
comes and changes it.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Again. You're making it about him.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Here's what I want you to own this, if you
can see, if you can own this all right, I
am a single mother. I am a mother raising three
kids alone. Can you own that?
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Let me hear it. I don't. I don't hear it.
I'm not hearing ownership here. I am a mother.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Yeah, I am a single mother raising three kids alone.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Okay, so now you are a single mother raising three
kids alone? Who and you work and the children have
to get to certain places. How do you navigate that
as a single mom? Just let's just take him out
the picture. He moved to Vietnam.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
He's in Vietnam. Isis? That has meaning? Isis?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
And the listeners? Okay, so here he's gone. Let's say
he's gone. What do you what do you do tomorrow
with these three kids? And he's gone? Because see you're
speaking betrays you. You're speaking betrays you. You made a
choice to move out, but you're never left, right, you
(14:11):
never left because had you left, you would have had
a plan as a single mom for what to do
with your kids, with your children?
Speaker 1 (14:22):
What the hell?
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Right?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Who did you think was going to pick him up?
If you didn't have a plan.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
I thought, honestly, I thought that he was going to
be able to come to that front door. I would
push them out and go they go?
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Why are you depending upon the man that you left?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Hello? Help me, I'm old?
Speaker 4 (14:46):
No, Why are you well?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Why have you Why have you built a plan and
a strategy on a man that you left. What are
the boundaries that you've created? What are the responsibilities of
co parenting? Because this could look very different. Okay, you
have him, this week, I have him next week, when
you have him, don't come to my house when I
(15:12):
have him. When you have them, I won't come to
your house when I have them. You don't come to mind.
You're a single mom raising three kids. You need a
whole new approach.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Right, you left him.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
But then you depend upon him. What the hell right
you're speaking betrays you have not left this marriage. You're
punishing him.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
For what he did to you.
Speaker 4 (15:33):
That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
That's what it is.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
Because a boundary needs to be aligned, needs to You understand,
when I left him, he didn't know where I was at.
I messed up by giving him the address of the
home I was buying. He popped up after I moved in,
and I told him, you ever come back, You're gonna
You're gonna have problems. But you got it because he's
now welcome. This is my privacy, this is my home. Goodbye.
(16:03):
So how do I use that now?
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Because I feel like i'm you know, I have let
this go for five months. Now, how do I stand
up and say, Okay, I can own this. I can
own the fact that I'm a single Mohammed, He's in
three kids, and I need you to stay where you are.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Well, she's got there has to be communication because they
are children involved. Oh true, But what you're shifting out of,
what you're shifting out of is a joint dwelling where
you and him live together. And now you're in a
cold parenting situation. And sure, the children want to be
(16:46):
with him. He wants to be with the children, but
you've created a situation that's unsustainable because you can't be
a single mom with three children totally dependent on your
ex husband or your husband your husband, totally dependent on
your husband to help you with the children.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
The first thing you.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
Doesn't want to be with the children. He wants to
be with me. He could care less about them.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Well huh, okay, well there you go. Good piece of
information to have. But see, he's going to do that
until you get clear. I didn't move out, I'm leaving
the marriage.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
You just moved out. You're still in the marriage.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Have you been to court to get your child supported
in your alimony? Have you filed for divorce? What's really
going on here?
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Well?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
Hello, yeah, does he give you money?
Speaker 3 (17:43):
Yeah? But it's a fight.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
What's the fight? It's called c O U RT court fight.
That's what it's called.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Yeah, it's always my bill. What I gotta do. So
that I did, just have a conversation with him and
tell him, like, look, if you don't do it, get
this is some out. I need to take care of
your kids monthly. I am going to take you for
child support.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Is this the first time you all have separated?
Speaker 1 (18:17):
No, so you moved out.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Before or he moved out before I did. Okay, so
he thinks you're joking. He thinks you're joking. He's going
to do what he did to get you to come back.
Are you going back to this marriage?
Speaker 4 (18:34):
No?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Why why aren't you going? Why aren't you going back?
Speaker 3 (18:41):
The means that I am right now. It just I
want to do things that he doesn't see, you know.
I want to do grown woman things. I want to travel,
I want to invest. I want to pursue my passions,
write my book, tell my stories. Hopefully let my scars
encourage other people. Like I have a whole destiny on
(19:01):
my life that I can't do because I'm at home
being broadbeatd you know, being made to felt like everything
is about him. So I just I need to be
free to do what I gotta do I feel like
pulling me out and I just for some reason, my
feet are stuck.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
No, you don't be good the question, well, okay, I
think you're doing good.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
Already more work to do, she has more work to do,
but she's already made. But she she's shivering and she weary,
but she she took a step out there. So that's
a good first step of it. But now you need
to start making a list what you need to do,
making yourself strong, reminding yourself. This is all for your
freedom to get to what you want out of life,
(19:52):
your goals, and this is only a hurdle. You need
to just overcome and go get that PaperWorks, Go do that.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Child.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
We've got lots more to talk about in terms of
leaving but not being gone, and we're going to do
that when we come back. Welcome back to the art spy.
(20:22):
I'm hearing some things in my caller, and it seems
to me that she left, but she's not really gone,
So I want to explore that a little bit. The
first thing she has to do is stand up in
her choice, and I'm not clear what the choice is.
Do you want to be out of this marriage? Do
(20:44):
you want to be divorced. Or do you want him
to just come to his senses and be a better
man so that you'all can continue in your life together.
What is your true desire? Okay, so you're complete with
the marriage.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
I'm complete with the marriage.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Okay? Are you complete with him?
Speaker 3 (21:06):
I would like us to be friends.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Here's the question that would be the answer had the
question been do you want to be friend with him?
Here's the question. Are you complete with him? Are you
complete with him?
Speaker 3 (21:22):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
That means can you see your life? Can you see
your life one year, three years, five years, ten years
down the road with him playing absolutely no part in
your life but co parenting and being a part of
your children's lives.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Can you see that?
Speaker 3 (21:41):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Yes, Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Now I want you to check between I want you
to check between your big toe and.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Your second toe.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
I want you to think about that place and find
out if there's a woman down in between your toes
that still.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Wants to give him a little bit every now and then.
Is she down in the toe?
Speaker 4 (22:00):
No?
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Okay? Check under your left breast.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Is there a woman up under your left breast that
could still be talked into, manipulated, guided in the moment
of weakness to give him some Is.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
She under there?
Speaker 2 (22:16):
No, okay, check your ear load, check your right ear load.
Check and see in your right ear load there's anybody
in there that looks at him with a longing eye. No, okay,
all right, Because as long as there's a part of
you that wants him, and I hear you saying that,
(22:37):
I hear you saying that. But as long as there
is a part of you that wants him and you
don't get her.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
In check, you in trouble.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
So you check under the left breast, the right breast,
You check all your puper cares, You check your armpit,
check behind your ear and make sure that there's no
part of you that's still wants him. And should you
find a part of him that says, if only he could,
and maybe he will. If you're finding that part of her,
(23:08):
I want you to take her, that part of you,
put her in the closet in the dark with two
knit needles, and tell her to knit you a sweater
in the dark, because as long as she's there, you're
gonna play these games.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
This is a game.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, you are now a single mother with three children.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
I wrote it down.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
How do you plan.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
How do you plan to transport your children around without
employing the services of your whatsman? How do you do that?
You got friends? Are their mothers in the school or
their other parents in the block? First of all, I
want to know why you got a four year old?
What the hell is that?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Fifteen and four?
Speaker 3 (23:57):
You know I didn't miss that.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
That didn't slide past me.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Well, you know, I didn't really have the equipment to
have her, So that is definitely she was a miracle.
She was not supposed to happen. I don't even know
my dad. A broken tube and a missing tube, there
was supposed to be nothing getting through there. But she came,
and she came. I found out I was pregnant right
(24:22):
when I found out that he had been in a
nine month relationship with another woman. And you know, being
as ghost as I am, so I was like, what
I'm gonna do? You know, at this age, y'all.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Just got to.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Listen to me. I don't want you to talk about
him no more. I don't care if he slept with
the Queen of England naked on your living room floor,
because you're making yourself a.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Victim, not a victim.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
How long were you married twenty five years.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Oops, didn't work. Here we go. That's it.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Stop telling the just stuck in the story. Yeah, and
that's the part of you that will still warn him.
If only he would maybe he means it this time,
Maybe he's maybe we can. I'm telling you, check your
right breast. She's in there. Somebody's in there. She's gonna
get you. Every woman needs a posse. You need a posse.
Speaker 3 (25:22):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
You don't have a posse.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
You know that that that group of women that the
rideing die with you.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
You don't have a posse. That's a problem.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
So here we are, single mom with three kids and
a manipulating husband.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
What you're gonna do?
Speaker 2 (25:40):
What's your ex what is your exit strategy?
Speaker 3 (25:46):
I need that nineteen year old just to really step
up and just own the plan, because if he can
do the driving and the transporting, you know, then not
that would help. That would cut out a huge a dependency.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Well, you know, I'm old school. I'm old school. I'm
old school. Forgive me, I'm old school. I hear what
you're saying. But he's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Is he going to college?
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Yes, but he's not doing nothing for the summer but working.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Okay, but you got to live beyond the summer, my love,
What are you going to do in September?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
If he goes to college?
Speaker 4 (26:31):
I got him my.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Way to college.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
No, he's gonna be home.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Yeah, okay, see I just I just helped me.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Isis because I you're asking him to do something that
you can't do. You're asking your nineteen year old to
do something for you that you didn't plan for. That's
not his life, that's your life. That's a I know,
I I know I'm being hard on your mama, I know,
(27:04):
but I call for help.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
It's necessary.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
He is nineteen. So I have a twenty year old
and a twenty five year old and he is nineteen.
Now he does live with you, correct, yes, and he
lives rent free yes okay, and so food free.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Light free, anything you need free.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
But he's going to school. Make him.
Speaker 2 (27:36):
Make him get a job after school or during school
or work study or whatever. So he has his little
money that you don't have to give him.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Let him put Okay, still have his money, but he
doesn't manage his money well. So I'm always feeling in
the gap.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
About well, that's a problem. He's nineteen. If he got
to walk because he's spending his money. If his phone
go off because he pay it. Come on, Mama, you
got to step up. I'm you're right, you're right.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
But I'm very dependent on you. He's very dependent on
you as well, right, yeah, yeah, okay, they all are
all three other woman three you're superwoman. Uh huh, you're
a superwoman. This is a hard one because if my
(28:30):
daughter when she was here, she would help me out
with some stuff. But she was driving a car without
having to pay for it and stuff, and I was
doing the insurance and everything. So I helped her out.
She was an adult, she paid her way through college.
Now you know, she's moved on with her life. So
(28:53):
she does help me with her brother, even though now
he's an adult, like she's in Little Rock. I send him.
He'll spend like a week with her to give me
a break. So it's kind of hard with that. It's
really hard to say. But with him being still dependent
on you, you probably do need to talk to him more
(29:14):
about being a big brother and setting the example and
see what he's willing to do in support of the family.
You get what I mean like that, So then it's
not like you're putting an ask on him. But I
do believe that it's ultimately your responsibility to set something
up on the transportation with the kids. Maybe you can
(29:40):
try to hire somebody to do that, someone who just
does the right because I actually did that for my
two oldest nieces a long, long time ago. I used
to pick both of them up from both of their
schools and you know, bring them to my mother's house
and take mothers to my niece, to my sisters. They
pay me to do it, so it wasn't a lot
(30:03):
of money. It was just like the gas, but it
was just the fact that, you know, I was able
to get them and spend time. But I didn't mind
doing it because my daughter was very young and I
wasn't working full time. So you could find a mom
that you could hire to support you.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Possibly, I've got a list. I've got a list. I'm
listening to you talking. I've got a list. First of all,
once you make up your mind that you're complete, that
you're leaving, be willing to ask for help. Be willing
to ask for help, because sometimes when we are exiting,
(30:41):
our pride gets in the way and we try to
do everything. We don't want anybody to know our business. No, no,
be willing to ask for help and then asking for help,
be sure to ask for what you need. Now, this
is a very very important part I heard, miss isis
say this, and it's educate the children. That means be sure,
(31:02):
if they're old enough, you be sure to tell them
you know what information to give and what information not
to give. That's very very delicate because sometimes if they
have a relationship with the parent, the other parent they
you know, will just oh, well, we're living over at
Aunt Tillies and we went to the pizza shop over
(31:25):
on you know, West Blaine. So how you do that
is very very delicate. I think throughout the process, particularly
if there are children involved, communication is key, and don't
make the children responsible. You can almost make it fun.
I learned with my kids that children will do anything
(31:47):
for pizza. Anything you promise pizza, they will do anything.
So you say, listen, me and daddy are not going
to be living together. He's trying to find a way.
I'm trying to find a way. Or if you're a man,
you know me and mommy, or if it's the same section,
whatever your situation is, and tell the children, so listen
(32:08):
right now, we're in transition.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
We're in a different way.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
So we got to be careful about how we talk
about where we are. Things are going to settle down,
things are going to be okay. But right now, let's
not tell everybody that we're living over at aren't felicious.
You know, find a way to talk to the children
so that it doesn't frighten them. It gives them the
(32:32):
necessary information and you know, it communicates to them what's
going on. I want to I want to be sensitive
and mindful of those situations where you are in danger.
Where you are in danger, whether it's physical violence or
(32:57):
sometimes even emotional violence, and you get to that moment
when you have to exit, if you don't have a strategy,
at the very least, find the nearest shelter, find the
nearest women's center, find your nearest police station, find out
(33:19):
whose sofa you can be on for a week or
two before you just jump up or say anything. If
you have the opportunity, at least put those pieces in
place so that you can be safe. Safety must be
a part of your exit strategy.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
We'll be right back after this Welcome back.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
We're talking about an exit strategy and what makes an
exit strategy necessary. Well, sometimes the relationship has just broken down,
as they would say in the legal system, irreputable differences.
They cannot be fixed, they will not be fixed. Sometimes
(34:16):
you're just miserable, you're unhappy, they're unhappy. You've just got
to get out. And sometimes it's just time. It's just time.
You've grown apart, you're moving in different directions. Maybe who
you are now is not who you were when you
got together, and you want to spread your wings, you know,
(34:38):
flap your wings, whatever you want to do with them.
Sometimes it's just time. Honor that intuitive thing. Honor that
intuitive part of you that says, this is done, this
is over. And when you get that, don't try to
make up reasons to stay. And yes, it will be difficult,
(35:02):
it will be challenging. Don't get caught up in the story.
Don't get caught up in the story. And here's a
piece where people sometimes get stuck. What are they going
to do without me? Or what am I going to
do without them? If you can avoid asking that question,
avoid it at all costs. Exit strategy. Let's continue with
(35:24):
the conversation. Yeah, here's the thing, here's the thing, and
I have to advocate for the son because I can't
speak for his dad. You know, he's in a critical
place in his life. He's got all his puper cares now,
he's got you know, miss the man and his two
(35:44):
people down there. You know, does he have a girlfriend.
He's getting ready to go to college. He's going to
have to deal with the stress of college. He's finding hisself.
The last thing he needs to do right now is
to become responsible for his mother.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
He don't need to do that now.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
I do believe that once he gets his college schedule,
you can say, boo boo Tuesday and Thursday, I need
you to pick up your sister. Okay, because once he
has midterms and research and maybe football or he got
the little girlfriend he he this is his time. He
(36:25):
didn't end his marriage. You did right, and you also
want to give him to So make it two or
three days a week. Then if you have to hire somebody,
it's only two days or three days. You know, to
move the other kids around. Hundreds of thousands of women
do this all the time. You have to figure this out.
(36:47):
And we're not asking you to be a superwoman. We're
asking you to have a clear vision, a plan and boundaries.
Because you exited without a plan. See all of this
you should have did before you paid your security deposit
on you apartment.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
And you didn't.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Here we are what is your vision? What is your vision?
My vision is that me and my three children are
going to live in this house. And again, is there
a possibility that they're with you a week and with.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
Him a week?
Speaker 3 (37:18):
Right?
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Is that a possibility. Is it a possibility that maybe
two days a week you can work from home so
that you can go get the kids. Is that a possibility?
Have you asked for what you needed even in your
work experience? Is that a possibility? So you got to
open up, get out of the story. Oh he did
(37:41):
me wrong, he didn't me bad. I'm forced now to
live over here in the bushes with the squirrels. No,
what do you need? Make a list of what you need.
I need somebody to handle a four year old. I
need somebody to get the fifteen year old here. I
need somebody to get the nineteen year old here. I
need you know whatever, Make a list of what you need,
(38:05):
and your vision is to get it handled with Grayson ees?
So can the kids be with him a week? Or
can if the sun can do it? Two days of
the week. He can arrange his college schedule that way,
because you don't want him to become overwhelmed and drop
(38:27):
out of school.
Speaker 4 (38:28):
Yeah, No, I don't want that, right, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:31):
And this is really his time. He's nineteen, he's learning independence, interdependence,
developing relationships. He's going into college. He's got to do
his own study, his own research. He's got to move
around classes, he's got to navigate that. And yes, he
can pick his brother up or sister up or whatever
(38:53):
it is, two days a week. And then here's the
big part. Clutch you girls. Clutch your pearls right now.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
Clutch them.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
You have to have a clear com You have to
have a clear conversation with the woodsman. And the conversation
is this is what I'm doing, This is what I'm
asking you to do, This is what I need, and
this is what I'm asking you for and we can
do it privately, quietly among ourselves, or I can go
(39:23):
to court. And no, I'm not coming back to you.
I am complete. Put some base in your voice, grab
on to your lady balls and put that boy in
this place. You got lady balls. Do you know where
your lady balls are?
Speaker 3 (39:40):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
And your lady balls have to have more hair on
him than his dogs.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Hey man, you got some work to do, my beloved,
You've got some work to do. All of the things
that we talked about. The first thing is get a
vision for a year from now when me and miss
Isis are gone on doing whatever we're doing. What do
you want your life to look like? The next step?
(40:15):
What do you need? What do you need the next step?
What resources do you have the next step? What role
are you asking him to play? And then you create
clear boundaries. You enjoy your line in the sand, you know.
And if it becomes a matter of you or him,
(40:43):
you know, the husband and his feelings. I don't know
why you're feeling sorry for him. You need to go
have some apple liquor and get over that.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
But anyway, if.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
It becomes a matter of you and him, take him down.
And I don't mean in a negative derogatory way, but
I mean, get what you need because you got three
young ones that you gotta deal with. You the mama bear.
And see the thing about the Mama bear. When she's
all four, she's nice and sweet and she's playing with
(41:16):
the kids, and you know, she's picking berries but when
she stands up on her two hind legs, she getting
ready to jack somebody up. Get up on your two
hind legs, lady, Come on, mama, bear up on your
two hind legs. I am a single woman raising three
children alone. They have a father, and this is the
(41:39):
level of participation I'm requesting of him. So you're kind
of backtracking your you're kind of backtracking your exit strategy.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
But that's okay.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
You can put it in place now because you're didn't exit,
you just moved out, So now we're getting ready to exit.
Does that make sense to you? Miss Isis, I'm a
little harder than you are. I'm hardcore. I'm sorry that
does that does make sense?
Speaker 4 (42:08):
No, everything you're saying is exactly what needs to happen.
The vision is first. Yeah, yeah, probably budget in the
child support, any transportation, because you guys could split that
cost when you go to child support.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
Okay, And like I said, can he keep them a week?
Speaker 1 (42:33):
Can they be two weeks for two two weeks with him?
Two weeks for two two weeks for them?
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Are you all living in the same area where he
can get him to school? He takes care of them.
Your two weeks. You worry about your your two weeks.
He takes care of him his two weeks. You worry
about him your two weeks. And that'll give you to me.
You know, if you got to pick up a second
job so that you can pay the transportation or whatever
it can. Hundreds of thousands of women do it every day.
(43:02):
Join the club.
Speaker 3 (43:03):
Hello, Well, thank you ladies. Time I do. I made
so many notes.
Speaker 4 (43:13):
Thank you. You welcome your time.
Speaker 3 (43:19):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Take your time, bathe, get you, get you some apple liquor,
and sit down and make a plan, make your strategy.
Speaker 3 (43:26):
Okay, okay, I love it.
Speaker 2 (43:32):
Well, okay, alrighty, thank you so much. Miss Isis. I
want to thank you. You have some powerful insights. I
know I'm a little harder than you. I'm from Brooklyn,
you're from Chicago. You're all a little soft around the edges.
Speaker 1 (43:44):
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Anything y'all want you want to leave our listeners with.
In terms of creating an exit strategy, I.
Speaker 4 (43:57):
Would probably say my favorite scripture I can do all
things with Christ. That's what I want to leave everybody with.
Just remember that and stay humble, stay true to God,
try to be as righteous as possible in this time
when you are making an exit plan, just know God
is with you. He has not left you. But if
(44:18):
your situation is bad, ask yourself, is this a part
of God's plans? Because most likely the answer is know
a part of his plan is you accident? So that's
what I want to leave everybody with.
Speaker 1 (44:34):
Thank you so much, Percises.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
I appreciate you, and good luck to you and your
future endeavors. Exit strategy, Exit strategy. We've got some good
good notes for you today. As our last caller demonstrated,
you got to have the strategy to get out before
you leave. And leaving isn't just about being gone. Leaving
(44:56):
is about navigating the new normal, creating the new normal.
And how do you stay gone? And particularly if you're
a woman, I'm telling you check between your toads under
your breast and your armpit behind your ear low, because
if there's any part of you that is still entertaining
a relationship with him, you're in a weak position. Have
(45:20):
your vision. Have your vision. As our second caller demonstrated
to us, you got to have a vision for where
you're going and what it's going to look like, and
show up in the new place in the way you
want to be handled. If you left an economy position
and you're moving into premium economy, show up that way.
(45:42):
If you left premium economy and you showing you moving
into a business class or first class, show up that way.
That means how you present yourself, how you hold yourself,
how you're thinking. The other thing I think in the
exit strategy, and this is very important, get out of
the story. Stay out of the story of what happened
(46:06):
and why it happened, and if only it hadn't happened,
and what would have happened if it hadn't Forget that.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Forget that.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
You can process that through your prayers. You can process
that through your breathing, you can process that through your journaling.
Keep your eye focused on the vision for moving forward,
and process your feelings as you go along. Yeah, this
is so important. And extra strategy is your plan, and
(46:34):
it's best that you set it up before you leave
as you're in whatever relationship it is. Because our second
caller wasn't leaving a marriage or a relationship. She was
leaving a tendency, okay, but she was clear that how
she showed up as a tenant wasn't authentic.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
So be authentic. Be authentic.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
If I had one other thing to say to our
last caller, it would be well, I think I did say,
she's got to have a conversation with him. With him,
draw your line in the sand, and if they cross it,
don't back up. Draw your line in the sand and
have clear consequences about what happens if they cross that line.
(47:20):
And here's the big thing. Whether it's a partner, a spouse,
a family member, a job, a landlord, you don't have
to stop loving the person, but you do get to
choose the level of access you give them. Say yes
(47:41):
to the love, no to the access. Say yes to
the love, but no, you can no longer access me
or my life in that way. Exit strategies, they are important.
We didn't get a lot of time to talk about
your exit strategy from Bad Behave, But you can use
any of these things that we've talked about to create yours.
(48:06):
Have your exit strategy, have your little pool and your
pennies over on the side. Check yourself out to make
sure that all parts of you are in agreement and
alignment with the exit. Okay, otherwise you'll be back and forth.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
And pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
Breathe and pray, pray and breathe, breathe and pray, pray
and breathe. That sometimes that's all you got to hang
on too. I hope you've heard something today that will
help you, support you, give you some guidelines and tips,
open your eyes about the importance of an exit strategy.
(48:47):
I'll see you next time. Until then, stay in peace
and not in pieces. Bye. Ther Spot is a production
of audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
(49:10):
you listen to your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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