December 21, 2022 • 39 mins
Iyanla shares the story of her estranged relationship with her sister, which changed her view of every woman who enters her life. So when two women call in with breakdowns in relationship with their own sisters, Iyanla is ready to listen. The first caller recently learned that her and her sister had different biological fathers, but she doesn’t know how to bring it up to her sister for fear of her sister feeling disconnected from their relationship. Iyanla’s second caller is a woman with a family rift due to perceived jealousy, but after their mother died, the caller desperately wants to connect with her sister. Iyanla guides both callers to seeing things from another perspective in order to grow.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a yamma. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. I want to tell you a quick story.
(00:38):
I had an older sister and we were pretty good
with each other. I'm not gonna say we were close,
because we weren't. But we were respectable and amenable and agreeable,
and we did a lot of stuff together. As we
grew older, she kept playing the role of the older sister,
(01:00):
and she had the belief that not only was she
supposed to tell me what to do, but that I
was supposed to do it. That was one extreme, and
the other extreme was she didn't tell me anything. The
thought I had a baby. She didn't tell me her
son was in trouble. She didn't tell me. I could
never understand. But like I said, we were amenable, we
(01:22):
were not close. Well, something happened. I don't know what
it was. I wish I could tell you, but I can't,
and we just stop speaking. Had she called me I
would have answered. Had I called her, she probably would
have answered. But we just stopped speaking for three years,
(01:44):
and then one day I got a call from a
mutual friend that said to me, your sister is dead.
It just scrambled my brain. I mean, we didn't talk.
I wanted her a lie. I didn't know what had happened,
(02:05):
but I had it on my to do list one
day to ask her. But now I didn't have that chance.
I think one of the most valuable, precious things we
can have in life as a sister. And I'm here
to tell you I did not value honor, respect, myself
(02:30):
or my sister enough to do everything I possibly could
to keep our relationship healthy. I used to regret it.
Now I just learned from it. Every woman that is
in my life, I treat her like a sister because
I've learned that I am not my sister's keeper. I
(02:54):
am my sister. So however, I treat my sister as
a function of how I treat myself. And even though
my sister didn't have the same mother or father as
I did, when I saw her laying in her casket,
all of that passed away and all I remembered was
(03:18):
I loved her. I want to talk two sisters about
sisters to day, and I will say to you, love
your sister enough to ask her what you need to
know and to tell her the truth. And if it
caused a ripple, a break down between you and her,
(03:40):
do everything in your power to heal it before it's
too late. Welcome beloved, Welcome to the arts. But thank
you for calling in to day. Now. What is the
relationship issue, challenge dilemma you are facing that we can
nibble on together. Well, thank you so much, Missiama. I
(04:03):
appreciate the honor of just being on your show today.
My current situation is five years ago I found out
that the man who raised me is not my biological father.
My biological father actually reached out to the via text
message with photos in two thousand and sixteen and let
me know that he was my father. I have an
(04:25):
older sister and we're very close. But since then, my
mother kind of told me there was really no point
of telling her that this is my father, and she
really didn't have any intentions of telling me that this
was my father. Since the man who raised me signed
my birth certificate raised me. I've been working with my therapist,
(04:45):
and she says, God will give me the discernment when
to tell my sister. But I just wanted to get
some extra feedback or just guidance of how I should
go about it. So what is your intention for telling
your sister? Why are you telling you that My intentions
(05:06):
for telling my sister is because we're very close, and
I always said if the shoe was on the other
but I would love for my sister to dis be honest, like, Hi,
you know I met my real father because I've met
him in person. We don't have the best relationship because
he is still in and out of my life. Yet
I just want to be able to be honest because
(05:29):
my mother really doesn't want to deal with her past
and she wants to keep it a secret and keep
the family how it is. But something inside of me
is saying, you have to break the cycle and stop
sweeping things under the rugs. Well, it's not just a
matter of sweeping things under the rug. It's a matter
of telling the truth. And if you're in a close
(05:50):
relationship with your sister, if you want to be authentic
in your relationship with your sister, then it is most
appropriate to tell the truth. As you know it. It
is your story to tell. If the man who raised
her wasn't her father, then it wouldn't be your story
(06:11):
to tell. It would be your mother's story to tell.
But if that's not the case, Yeah, it's your story.
So what's the dilemma. I don't understand what's the problem.
I as though it will cause a lot of family
disaccord because I've spoken to my mother about telling her,
(06:32):
and my mother anytime the conversation is brought up, she
does not want to have it. It's not your mother's
story to tell. She doesn't get a vote in you
telling your story. Now. It may cause some disruption between
your sister and your mother, but that's your sister's choice.
That's not your choice. And unless you have a degree
(06:56):
in psychic one oh one, you don't know what's gonna happen.
I'm just thinking about, you know, taking into consideration. Everyone
else is stilling like, I don't want to hurt my mom.
How does you telling your story hurt your mother? I
don't want my sister to view my mother in a
(07:18):
different light because we're all very close. You're all very
close on a lie. Yes, so that's not closeness beloved.
That's emotional dishonesty. Mhm. Tell me what you hear me saying,
because I hear your brain clicking, just the revelation of
(07:40):
staying we're close in a lie. Your mother has lived
this lie for how many years? Almost twenty five? And
I'm not saying to discount the impact that will have
on your mother. But sometimes when you stand in your truth,
there's no let falls on other people. Yes, so let's
(08:04):
go here so that we can get it cleared out.
What's the worst that you think will happen if you
tell your sister that you have discovered that the man
who raised you is not your biological father, her view
of her life like, what else is allowed? Not being
(08:25):
able to trust me again? Are not being able to
trust my mother again? Well? Why would she not trust you?
You didn't know? Okay, So if she's not able to
trust you again or trust your mother again, then what
will happen? Alright? Feel as though I will take the
responsibility of perhaps breaking my DAMIAU are breaking up, dynamic up?
(08:51):
And then what will happen if your experience of your
family that is bonded together in all athentically and out
of integrity? If that shifts, then what will happen? I
really don't feel lost, and if you feel lost, what
will happen? Mm hmm. I would ultimately have to make
(09:12):
the next steps in my life, and I don't know
what that looks like. Do you know what it looks
like now that you're living a lie? So honestly, right
now now, the word that I have in my head
is a facade. So if you disrupt the facade, what
will happen? Due to certain circumstances, I might be the
(09:34):
one to blame from my mother. I believe that I
just honor my mother so much. I don't want to
hurt her. Did she hurt you? And what have you
done with that hurt? Beloved? For a while, I kept
it in and it showed up in my life throughout
my relationship, especially having my own daughter now. But now
(09:58):
working through life coaching and also therapy, I've been able
to identify that a lot of are hurt hand into anger.
Mm hmmm. So what I'm hearing you say is that
you are expecting the worst. That if you stand up
(10:18):
for yourself and bring yourself into integrity with your system
by sharing your story, you are expecting the worst. So
what I would say to you is that's exactly what
you'll get. You always get what you expect. However, what
if this is one of your life assignments is to
(10:43):
clear the cobwebs out, disrupt the facade, and bring a
new level of integrity on a respect, truth, love to
your family dynamic, Because what I'm hearing you say is
that you're comfortable in the facade, odd that you'd rather
keep the lie alive than run the risk of standing
(11:05):
up for yourself. And we'll talk about that when we
come back. Welcome back. I am me. I'm learning this
is the our spot. I hear you saying that your
(11:26):
truth will hurt other people, so you'll stuff it and
not tell it to protect them. You set yourself on fire. Yeah,
how's that working for you? Not at all. Here's another possibility.
What if you are the light you want to share
(11:49):
with your sister the joy that you've discovered of knowing
who your natural father is. Is there any joy in
that and for you? Yeah? Oh, and what would that be?
What has that done for you? What has that brought
to you? What is it revealed to you? It's revealed
(12:11):
a part of me that I did not know yes,
I didn't know who I was. I was trying to
identify with someone that I was. I knew that was
so different, and I knew that I was different. But
learning about my history, learning about my family, meeting my grandparents,
(12:31):
that brought me joy because it allowed me to grow
in my foundation. And now that's something that I can
give to my daughter. Wow. What if you shared your
story from that perspective as opposed to as gonna hurt
my mother, mother, it's gonna look different, it's gonna disrupt
my family. What if you share it from the place
(12:51):
of joy and you want your sister to know because
you love her and yolla close. Does she know you're
in therapy? Yes? Does she know why you're in therapy? Um? No,
not really, so you haven't told her that either. We
had a conversation but not specifically for this, but just
(13:12):
noticing that I didn't want to live my life how
I was living it, and I want to change and
I wanted to follow what was in my heart, and
that's why I want to therapy. I knew there was
change that needed to be implemented in my life. Mm hmm.
Was one of the changes. Getting real clear about who
you are well. I find that to be quite exciting.
(13:35):
And if you are as close as you say to
your sister, I think she would be happy for you. Now,
she may have a little issue with your mama, but
that ain't your issue. That's all issue. Yeah, So don't
go around eating up people's issues. Let people have their
own issues. And that's what I was trying to take on,
trying to take on the baggage, trying to protect other
(13:56):
people from their truth as well. So yeah, So in
terms of how to do it, I would say, get
clear in your mind first, why you're telling your sister this,
what it is that you want her to know, and
give her the opportunity to share in your new discovery.
(14:20):
You'll know when the time is right, you'll know. Take
her out to lunch, or just go over and make
some tea for you all, or invite her to your house.
I would say, invited to your house so that you're
comfortable in your space and your safe and let her
know how important this is for you to know that
you have grandparents that you didn't meet, and that your
(14:41):
daughter has great grandparents, and that your daughter has not one,
but two grandfathers. The man who raised you, your dad
and your natural father. She has two grandparents. How exciting
is that? One of the things that I've discovered as
usually when we run around asking people how to do something,
(15:07):
we know we have to do it, we just want
validation of whether it's the right thing to do and
how to do it. So I'm going to say this.
You know this is something you have to do. Otherwise
you would not be on this car, you would not
be in therapy, you would not it wouldn't even be
on your mind. You don't need anybody's validation of your truth.
(15:33):
And if, as you say, your sister loves you, if
as you say, you all are really close, it may
create a little ripple in the force. Feel But what
I think is that your sister's going to jump to
your defense, and she may go after your mother. And
what you can always offer her is listen, she did
(15:57):
what she thought was right for her at the time,
but time also reveal the truth. So if you want
to be mad at her, you can. I'm not mad
at her anymore. So tell me what you know now
that you didn't know when you called. I know that
standing up for myself can be scary, yet it's needed
(16:20):
in order for me to expect in my foundation. And also,
my truth does not have to be acceptable to other people. Damn,
your truth does not have to be acceptable to other people.
And at the same time, you can respect them enough
(16:41):
and love them enough to know that they can handle
your truth. Now, why your mother lied and all of
that other stuff that's none of your business. That's your
mama's business. Let her handle her business. You don't have
to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Well,
good for you. I trust your sister. Okay, and do
(17:06):
me a favor what we've shared. Run it by your
therapist before you do it. Okay, already, thank you, Thank
you for calling. Good luck to you, Bye bye. Whenever
(17:29):
there's a breakdown in a relationship, one of the hardest
things for us to do is to see the breakdown
from the other person's perspective. Even when we're not fighting
to be right, or even when we're not pushing our
point across, and even when we think we are doing
the best, it is hard for us to get on
(17:52):
the other side of the table, put on the other
person's panties or box of drawers, and see the experience
from the other person's side, because we're so busy making
ourselves right and making them wrong. It's just a common
human thing, even when we don't have a malicious or
(18:14):
vicious intent, even when we really want to do the
right thing, it's hard to get on the other person's
side of the table. But that is what's necessary for healing.
I've got another call about just that thing. Greetings, be love,
(18:36):
and welcome to the our spot. Thank you for calling
in today. And what is your relationship challenge issue dilemma
that we can nibble on together? Well, thank you for
having me. My relationship dilemma is with my sister. Oh boy, yeah,
So she's my older sister. Herr and I have the
(18:57):
same other different fathers, and I think throughout my life
there's been some jealousy in terms of her father and
not be get around though my father was completely there
for her, supports her still to the stay and she's
fifty one years old. Her father was incarcerated not around
(19:19):
he and my and my mother were divorced, and she
doesn't even acknowledge him as her father today. However, her
and my mom had a challenging relationship. My mother in
her away when I was younger to live with our grandmother,
because she was very violent. We get into fights all
of those things. So who did your sister was violent?
She was. She would fight my mother because she would
(19:41):
do things like when I was younger, she would leave
me outside when I would come home from school, and
my mother wasn't really happy with that. She would be
promiscuous to just do different things, and so after a
while she would get into physical fights with my mom,
and my mother sent her away to live with our
grandmother and different states until she was no longer welcome
(20:03):
to stay there because she was promiscuous and cause a
lot of trouble. They sent her back and she had
children and so, you know, my mom and I had
to take care of them. So her my mom never
really had a stable relationship. I had a great relationship
with my mother, and so they didn't really talk a
lot because my mother challenged her on things that she
should be doing and she wasn't doing. And so my
(20:27):
mom transitions last year. She never really called or talked
to my mother or visit her anything. But of course
when my mom transitioned, she made this big you know,
she wanted to do these grand gestures at the funeral
and she now all of a sudden. My mom's her
queen and you know, all these things just seeking that
validation of public attention. And it kind of left me
(20:51):
feeling a little upset because I feel like she didn't
cultivate the relationship she should have while she was fever.
I know that's a lot. No it's not. But you're
speaking betrays she and I'm sure you don't know that.
So let's see if we can unpack some of this. Okay,
(21:14):
So are you and your sister in communication now? No?
Um so, Actually, my mother's birthday just passed, and while
I was there on the day of her birthday, I
texted her just saying, hey, this thinking of you today
and you know, love you, what have you? She never responded,
and my father said she never responded to his call
(21:35):
as well, and then I texted her again actually last night.
So and why do you tell yourself she's not responding.
She's upset that. I guess I still continue to be
there and make myself a bailable to my mother to
honor her, and I think she thinks it makes her
(21:55):
look a certain way that she is not. Now do
you know that to be true or is that what
you've made up that's probably what I made up, and
I think the reason why I think it's true. Again,
she made very public declarations right during the service, but
privately she was never there and so on social media,
(22:19):
of course, I did make a post just saying happy
birthday to my mother, but they were pictures showing me,
my father and her son. You know there, my sister's son. Yeah,
he's almost like a son to me. He and I
are very close. He actually used to call me his
mother and not my sister. Mm hmmm. Is that one
(22:41):
of your sister's children at your mother raised. Yes, she
has three children, and my nephew was the first grandchild,
and my mother was upset with my sister over the
fact that his father wasn't in his life and my
sister wasn't really around, you know, she was partying and
not taking care of him. So I took care of him.
(23:03):
I was in high school at the time, but when
I would get home, I would be there. My mother
would take care of him, and my mother took care
of him until her passing. Financially, he lived with my parents.
He would get guidance and things from me. Let me
ask you this question, is your relationship to your sister
(23:24):
an important relationship in your life. I mean, does it
bring you joy? Do you value it? Okay, so it's
not important relationships, So why are you bothering If it's
not an important relationship? Can you give yourself permission to
accept it just as it is? I think what troubles
(23:47):
me about it is I've always wanted a relationship with her.
I mean, she's my sister, and now that my mother
is no longer here, uh, I want her and I
as women to be able to bond over like the
commonality of like we have the same mother and create
(24:09):
a new relationship, one that we've not had, just because
she still represents a piece of my mother. And I
think that's why I'm bothered. So you want her because
she represents a piece of your mother, not because you
accept her for who she is, just as she is.
M I never thought about it that way. Well, like
(24:30):
I said, you're speaking betraysure, and trust me when I
tell you she has felt that he felt it. Yeah,
you said early on in your communication that you believe
that she was jealous because her father wasn't around and
(24:50):
your father raised both of you. How do you think
it made this young girl feel that her daddy wasn't there.
Get on her side at the table. Yeah, this man
is good and he's wonderful, and but he ain't my daddy.
Where's my daddy? How do you think that made her
(25:11):
feel sad and hurt? Yeah? And how did your mother
deal with that that the man she chose to lay
down with, the man she chose to have a child with,
was absent. His child is in her care feeling sad
and hurt? How did your mother deal with that? He didn't.
She did not address it, and she did not. Ah,
(25:34):
So something that is important to this young girl whose
father isn't there, wasn't dealt with. You want to know
why she was fighting your mother because she was mad
as hell? What matters to me isn't important. What I
feel isn't important. I felt that, and I feel that. Well,
(25:57):
let me offer you this to consider that your mother
was in relationship with a man who ended up incarcerated.
So there probably was some issues between her and him
that she never wanted to talk to you or his
daughter about. How about that? And that's a right as
a woman. But when there's a child involved, you've got
(26:18):
to secure the child first and address the needs of
the child first, And it is so very common that
when a woman is in breakdown with the child's father
that she will not or does not address the issue
(26:39):
and expects the child to be okay with that. She
had a right to know and then build her relationship,
or not build her relationship, but just to say it's
not important for you to know who your father is. Yeah,
she probably was jealous because you had something she wanted
(26:59):
her father. He couldn't be good enough to her to
erase the human instinct to want to know where you
came from. Don't mean she don't appreciate it. Yeah. Okay,
So we've got this young girl who is feeling out
of place, sad, heart and angry. Yeah, you sound like
(27:20):
a very learned woman to me. Do you know the
number one cause of promiscuity among young girls? I would
say father's or parents not being their lives, daddy loss daughters. Yeah,
ask me how I know? How do you know I'm
(27:41):
a ciana? None of your business. No, So fast forward. Hurt, sad, angry,
looking for love, shows up at the mother's funeral, seeking
public attention, making grand and gestures. Can you see the
(28:02):
connection there? I can't that the hurt sad, angry little
girl would show up where everybody is and try to
get their attention, and even telling untruths because it's an
untruth that the man who gave her everything was her father.
He wasn't. He was her dad, but he wasn't her father,
(28:24):
So she was taught how to live an untruth. Does
that make sense to you, It makes a lot of sense. Yeah.
I did not look at it that way at all.
I never have. But I want you to hear the
depth of hurt and sadness in the core of her being.
(28:47):
You got to get that if you don't get nothing else.
And then, not knowing how else to manage it, she
expresses herself in this very inappropriate way, and instead of
somebody gathering her up in their bosom and letting her
weep her heart out, they send her away. Yeah, you
(29:09):
ain't want it. You don't want you here, which is
probably the secret thought your mother had about having a
baby by a man that would beat her and end
up in jail. Yeah, it's not your story, but I
need to understand this. But you said something so powerful
and so beautiful. You said you want to build a
(29:32):
relationship with her, as women, a relationship that you've never had.
But I'm going to challenge you on it. We'll talk
more about it when we come back. Welcome back to
(29:55):
the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You
said you want to build the relationship with her as women,
and I'm gonna ask you why if you met her
at a barbecue and she was there and you saw
her the way she dressed, the way she talks, the
way she looks, how she shows up, would she be
somebody you want to build a relationship with. So, not
(30:19):
that you shouldn't do this at all, but I want
you to get how you're going into this thing. What
I want to encourage you to do is find that
place of compassion within yourself to look at this woman,
your sister, and learn to accept who she is just
(30:41):
as she is, no conditions, no questions, no judgments. Okay,
And if you can't do that, leave it alone. You
can still text her love you, you can call her
for a birthday, sent her something nice, But until you
get clear, don't try to create a relationship with her,
(31:05):
because that's only going to hurt her even more. Yeah. Yeah,
I had a sister who wasn't my sister. We didn't
share mother and father, but we were raised together as sisters.
But she didn't like me because she was an only child.
My brother and I when we were young were kind
of infused into her life and told that we were
(31:26):
her brother and sister. You know, she was eleven twelve
thirteen when we showed up and she you know, I
can't say my sister ever did anything mean to me.
I was like a mole. You know, you have a
mole on your face and it's there. You have to
accept it, you have to like it, you put makeup
(31:47):
on it. You you really don't want the mole there.
You just don't want it there where it's at. And
that's how she treated men. And it took me a
long time to really understand what that was us, and
to not make myself responsible for it, but to understand it.
But I tell you, and as soon as I got
(32:07):
an opportunity to get the hell away from her, I did.
And then she died, and then I really had to
do some work. So what I'm saying to you is
love her and prepare yourself. You see, you would never
give her space to unload about your mom. You want
(32:29):
her to celebrate the woman that denied her needs and
didn't handle her needs and sent her away. You want
her to honor your mother the same way you do.
Come on, Yeah, you're right. Until she does some healing work,
that's not going to happen. You're exactly right. So what
can you do differently? Now? Wow? I think I need
(32:53):
to look inward at my motivation or why I want
us to be in each other's lives, and my motivation
for even thinking the way that I'm thinking in terms
of her not being present and not doing those things
for a mother. I need to look at why I'm
(33:15):
creating those narratives, and then I need to just be there,
be there for her to talk, to be just listen.
I guess without condition, and even if it's something that
I don't want to hear, and be willing to be
(33:36):
wrong and not so much wrong but slified, so to speak,
because she's going to have a certain perspective that I
don't have, be willing for her to see it differently.
Her experience was different. I'm telling you, my heart goes
out to her. She's suffering in ways that you can't
(33:57):
even comprehend, and just your mere present. That's another source
of embarrassment. And shame and guilt. You a problem. Do
you get that you represent everything that has gone wrong
in her life? And that's not what I was trying
to be. No, there's nothing you need to do, there's
(34:18):
nothing you've done. I just wanted you to be on
her side of the table and look back at it
from another perspective until you can want to be in
relationship with her, woman to woman, each of you accepting
who you are, just as you are, with no conditions
and no judgments. I would say, do your relationship by
(34:39):
texts and cards. Yes, that's that's the safest option. Don't
expect her to shift until you shift, yep, because when
you shift, you're gonna see her differently, and you don't
have to feel sorry for her. You don't have to
pity her. And I offer you this, if ever you
(35:00):
have a conversation with her and the two of you
want to talk to me together, I would welcome that
phone call than you, because I don't know if anybody
has ever witnessed her pain, and I will venture to
say that no one has. Yeah, good for you, and
even though you've got some work to do, your good sister, Well,
(35:24):
thank you. I'm gonna pray that one day the two
of you will be able to be together as women.
I really appreciate that. I'm going to work on shift. Okay,
tell me something you know now that you didn't know
when you call me. I know now that I I've
(35:45):
been operating, I think from a selfish place in this
entire situation. Don't be so hard on your side. You're
operating from your perspective and didn't recognize your sister's pain. Yeah,
I think I would. I don't know if you see
this to be harsh, but it's just the way I
see it. I think that I was doing to her
(36:07):
what my mother did to her. Bingo, bam, you got
it that. I'm so glad you know that. So forgive yourself.
Recognize her suffering, don't sit in it with her, because
she's perfectly capable of healing and pulling herself up. You've
got to know that about her and see that about it.
(36:30):
And the same way you make up stuff about her,
she makes up stuff about you. I'm sure, oh man.
The two things I want you to leave this call
with our I forgive myself for the ways I have
judged my sister, the way my mother judged her. And
(36:52):
I forgive myself for not recognizing my sister suffering. I
praise she knows peace. Those two things will thank you
so much. I appreciate you. Thank you for calling. Thank you.
Have a great day. Okay, bye bye bye. There are
(37:16):
several important ingredients that keep relationships healthy. People will talk
about communication and commitment, but they often forget about the truth.
And very often in relationships, we withhold the truth in
(37:38):
an effort to protect people from what we think they
can handle well. I think a psychological term for that
is co dependency. I won't call you on your stuff,
you don't call me all my stuff. In other words,
we don't tell each other the truth. One of my
favorite lessons from a course in miracles is t will
(38:01):
correct all errors in my mind. If you want your
relationship to grow and thrive, if you want the errors
in your thinking about who you are and who they
are and what is possible, if you want that to
be corrected, you simply must tell the truth. And sometimes
(38:22):
the truth you need to tell may have a negative
impact on other people. Know this, they will survive or not.
You still get to choose. I hope this has been
helpful to someone, And if you have a question about
this or any other relationship issue, you can call me
(38:45):
live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven
six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social
media for all of the calling times, and until then,
stay in peace and not peace Peace. The R Spot
is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I
(39:09):
Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
I am a yamma. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. I want to tell you a quick story.
(00:38):
I had an older sister and we were pretty good
with each other. I'm not gonna say we were close,
because we weren't. But we were respectable and amenable and agreeable,
and we did a lot of stuff together. As we
grew older, she kept playing the role of the older sister,
(01:00):
and she had the belief that not only was she
supposed to tell me what to do, but that I
was supposed to do it. That was one extreme, and
the other extreme was she didn't tell me anything. The
thought I had a baby. She didn't tell me her
son was in trouble. She didn't tell me. I could
never understand. But like I said, we were amenable, we
(01:22):
were not close. Well, something happened. I don't know what
it was. I wish I could tell you, but I can't,
and we just stop speaking. Had she called me I
would have answered. Had I called her, she probably would
have answered. But we just stopped speaking for three years,
(01:44):
and then one day I got a call from a
mutual friend that said to me, your sister is dead.
It just scrambled my brain. I mean, we didn't talk.
I wanted her a lie. I didn't know what had happened,
(02:05):
but I had it on my to do list one
day to ask her. But now I didn't have that chance.
I think one of the most valuable, precious things we
can have in life as a sister. And I'm here
to tell you I did not value honor, respect, myself
(02:30):
or my sister enough to do everything I possibly could
to keep our relationship healthy. I used to regret it.
Now I just learned from it. Every woman that is
in my life, I treat her like a sister because
I've learned that I am not my sister's keeper. I
(02:54):
am my sister. So however, I treat my sister as
a function of how I treat myself. And even though
my sister didn't have the same mother or father as
I did, when I saw her laying in her casket,
all of that passed away and all I remembered was
(03:18):
I loved her. I want to talk two sisters about
sisters to day, and I will say to you, love
your sister enough to ask her what you need to
know and to tell her the truth. And if it
caused a ripple, a break down between you and her,
(03:40):
do everything in your power to heal it before it's
too late. Welcome beloved, Welcome to the arts. But thank
you for calling in to day. Now. What is the
relationship issue, challenge dilemma you are facing that we can
nibble on together. Well, thank you so much, Missiama. I
(04:03):
appreciate the honor of just being on your show today.
My current situation is five years ago I found out
that the man who raised me is not my biological father.
My biological father actually reached out to the via text
message with photos in two thousand and sixteen and let
me know that he was my father. I have an
(04:25):
older sister and we're very close. But since then, my
mother kind of told me there was really no point
of telling her that this is my father, and she
really didn't have any intentions of telling me that this
was my father. Since the man who raised me signed
my birth certificate raised me. I've been working with my therapist,
(04:45):
and she says, God will give me the discernment when
to tell my sister. But I just wanted to get
some extra feedback or just guidance of how I should
go about it. So what is your intention for telling
your sister? Why are you telling you that My intentions
(05:06):
for telling my sister is because we're very close, and
I always said if the shoe was on the other
but I would love for my sister to dis be honest, like, Hi,
you know I met my real father because I've met
him in person. We don't have the best relationship because
he is still in and out of my life. Yet
I just want to be able to be honest because
(05:29):
my mother really doesn't want to deal with her past
and she wants to keep it a secret and keep
the family how it is. But something inside of me
is saying, you have to break the cycle and stop
sweeping things under the rugs. Well, it's not just a
matter of sweeping things under the rug. It's a matter
of telling the truth. And if you're in a close
(05:50):
relationship with your sister, if you want to be authentic
in your relationship with your sister, then it is most
appropriate to tell the truth. As you know it. It
is your story to tell. If the man who raised
her wasn't her father, then it wouldn't be your story
(06:11):
to tell. It would be your mother's story to tell.
But if that's not the case, Yeah, it's your story.
So what's the dilemma. I don't understand what's the problem.
I as though it will cause a lot of family
disaccord because I've spoken to my mother about telling her,
(06:32):
and my mother anytime the conversation is brought up, she
does not want to have it. It's not your mother's
story to tell. She doesn't get a vote in you
telling your story. Now. It may cause some disruption between
your sister and your mother, but that's your sister's choice.
That's not your choice. And unless you have a degree
(06:56):
in psychic one oh one, you don't know what's gonna happen.
I'm just thinking about, you know, taking into consideration. Everyone
else is stilling like, I don't want to hurt my mom.
How does you telling your story hurt your mother? I
don't want my sister to view my mother in a
(07:18):
different light because we're all very close. You're all very
close on a lie. Yes, so that's not closeness beloved.
That's emotional dishonesty. Mhm. Tell me what you hear me saying,
because I hear your brain clicking, just the revelation of
(07:40):
staying we're close in a lie. Your mother has lived
this lie for how many years? Almost twenty five? And
I'm not saying to discount the impact that will have
on your mother. But sometimes when you stand in your truth,
there's no let falls on other people. Yes, so let's
(08:04):
go here so that we can get it cleared out.
What's the worst that you think will happen if you
tell your sister that you have discovered that the man
who raised you is not your biological father, her view
of her life like, what else is allowed? Not being
(08:25):
able to trust me again? Are not being able to
trust my mother again? Well? Why would she not trust you?
You didn't know? Okay, So if she's not able to
trust you again or trust your mother again, then what
will happen? Alright? Feel as though I will take the
responsibility of perhaps breaking my DAMIAU are breaking up, dynamic up?
(08:51):
And then what will happen if your experience of your
family that is bonded together in all athentically and out
of integrity? If that shifts, then what will happen? I
really don't feel lost, and if you feel lost, what
will happen? Mm hmm. I would ultimately have to make
(09:12):
the next steps in my life, and I don't know
what that looks like. Do you know what it looks
like now that you're living a lie? So honestly, right
now now, the word that I have in my head
is a facade. So if you disrupt the facade, what
will happen? Due to certain circumstances, I might be the
(09:34):
one to blame from my mother. I believe that I
just honor my mother so much. I don't want to
hurt her. Did she hurt you? And what have you
done with that hurt? Beloved? For a while, I kept
it in and it showed up in my life throughout
my relationship, especially having my own daughter now. But now
(09:58):
working through life coaching and also therapy, I've been able
to identify that a lot of are hurt hand into anger.
Mm hmmm. So what I'm hearing you say is that
you are expecting the worst. That if you stand up
(10:18):
for yourself and bring yourself into integrity with your system
by sharing your story, you are expecting the worst. So
what I would say to you is that's exactly what
you'll get. You always get what you expect. However, what
if this is one of your life assignments is to
(10:43):
clear the cobwebs out, disrupt the facade, and bring a
new level of integrity on a respect, truth, love to
your family dynamic, Because what I'm hearing you say is
that you're comfortable in the facade, odd that you'd rather
keep the lie alive than run the risk of standing
(11:05):
up for yourself. And we'll talk about that when we
come back. Welcome back. I am me. I'm learning this
is the our spot. I hear you saying that your
(11:26):
truth will hurt other people, so you'll stuff it and
not tell it to protect them. You set yourself on fire. Yeah,
how's that working for you? Not at all. Here's another possibility.
What if you are the light you want to share
(11:49):
with your sister the joy that you've discovered of knowing
who your natural father is. Is there any joy in
that and for you? Yeah? Oh, and what would that be?
What has that done for you? What has that brought
to you? What is it revealed to you? It's revealed
(12:11):
a part of me that I did not know yes,
I didn't know who I was. I was trying to
identify with someone that I was. I knew that was
so different, and I knew that I was different. But
learning about my history, learning about my family, meeting my grandparents,
(12:31):
that brought me joy because it allowed me to grow
in my foundation. And now that's something that I can
give to my daughter. Wow. What if you shared your
story from that perspective as opposed to as gonna hurt
my mother, mother, it's gonna look different, it's gonna disrupt
my family. What if you share it from the place
(12:51):
of joy and you want your sister to know because
you love her and yolla close. Does she know you're
in therapy? Yes? Does she know why you're in therapy? Um? No,
not really, so you haven't told her that either. We
had a conversation but not specifically for this, but just
(13:12):
noticing that I didn't want to live my life how
I was living it, and I want to change and
I wanted to follow what was in my heart, and
that's why I want to therapy. I knew there was
change that needed to be implemented in my life. Mm hmm.
Was one of the changes. Getting real clear about who
you are well. I find that to be quite exciting.
(13:35):
And if you are as close as you say to
your sister, I think she would be happy for you. Now,
she may have a little issue with your mama, but
that ain't your issue. That's all issue. Yeah, So don't
go around eating up people's issues. Let people have their
own issues. And that's what I was trying to take on,
trying to take on the baggage, trying to protect other
(13:56):
people from their truth as well. So yeah, So in
terms of how to do it, I would say, get
clear in your mind first, why you're telling your sister this,
what it is that you want her to know, and
give her the opportunity to share in your new discovery.
(14:20):
You'll know when the time is right, you'll know. Take
her out to lunch, or just go over and make
some tea for you all, or invite her to your house.
I would say, invited to your house so that you're
comfortable in your space and your safe and let her
know how important this is for you to know that
you have grandparents that you didn't meet, and that your
(14:41):
daughter has great grandparents, and that your daughter has not one,
but two grandfathers. The man who raised you, your dad
and your natural father. She has two grandparents. How exciting
is that? One of the things that I've discovered as
usually when we run around asking people how to do something,
(15:07):
we know we have to do it, we just want
validation of whether it's the right thing to do and
how to do it. So I'm going to say this.
You know this is something you have to do. Otherwise
you would not be on this car, you would not
be in therapy, you would not it wouldn't even be
on your mind. You don't need anybody's validation of your truth.
(15:33):
And if, as you say, your sister loves you, if
as you say, you all are really close, it may
create a little ripple in the force. Feel But what
I think is that your sister's going to jump to
your defense, and she may go after your mother. And
what you can always offer her is listen, she did
(15:57):
what she thought was right for her at the time,
but time also reveal the truth. So if you want
to be mad at her, you can. I'm not mad
at her anymore. So tell me what you know now
that you didn't know when you called. I know that
standing up for myself can be scary, yet it's needed
(16:20):
in order for me to expect in my foundation. And also,
my truth does not have to be acceptable to other people. Damn,
your truth does not have to be acceptable to other people.
And at the same time, you can respect them enough
(16:41):
and love them enough to know that they can handle
your truth. Now, why your mother lied and all of
that other stuff that's none of your business. That's your
mama's business. Let her handle her business. You don't have
to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Well,
good for you. I trust your sister. Okay, and do
(17:06):
me a favor what we've shared. Run it by your
therapist before you do it. Okay, already, thank you, Thank
you for calling. Good luck to you, Bye bye. Whenever
(17:29):
there's a breakdown in a relationship, one of the hardest
things for us to do is to see the breakdown
from the other person's perspective. Even when we're not fighting
to be right, or even when we're not pushing our
point across, and even when we think we are doing
the best, it is hard for us to get on
(17:52):
the other side of the table, put on the other
person's panties or box of drawers, and see the experience
from the other person's side, because we're so busy making
ourselves right and making them wrong. It's just a common
human thing, even when we don't have a malicious or
(18:14):
vicious intent, even when we really want to do the
right thing, it's hard to get on the other person's
side of the table. But that is what's necessary for healing.
I've got another call about just that thing. Greetings, be love,
(18:36):
and welcome to the our spot. Thank you for calling
in today. And what is your relationship challenge issue dilemma
that we can nibble on together? Well, thank you for
having me. My relationship dilemma is with my sister. Oh boy, yeah,
So she's my older sister. Herr and I have the
(18:57):
same other different fathers, and I think throughout my life
there's been some jealousy in terms of her father and
not be get around though my father was completely there
for her, supports her still to the stay and she's
fifty one years old. Her father was incarcerated not around
(19:19):
he and my and my mother were divorced, and she
doesn't even acknowledge him as her father today. However, her
and my mom had a challenging relationship. My mother in
her away when I was younger to live with our grandmother,
because she was very violent. We get into fights all
of those things. So who did your sister was violent?
She was. She would fight my mother because she would
(19:41):
do things like when I was younger, she would leave
me outside when I would come home from school, and
my mother wasn't really happy with that. She would be
promiscuous to just do different things, and so after a
while she would get into physical fights with my mom,
and my mother sent her away to live with our
grandmother and different states until she was no longer welcome
(20:03):
to stay there because she was promiscuous and cause a
lot of trouble. They sent her back and she had
children and so, you know, my mom and I had
to take care of them. So her my mom never
really had a stable relationship. I had a great relationship
with my mother, and so they didn't really talk a
lot because my mother challenged her on things that she
should be doing and she wasn't doing. And so my
(20:27):
mom transitions last year. She never really called or talked
to my mother or visit her anything. But of course
when my mom transitioned, she made this big you know,
she wanted to do these grand gestures at the funeral
and she now all of a sudden. My mom's her
queen and you know, all these things just seeking that
validation of public attention. And it kind of left me
(20:51):
feeling a little upset because I feel like she didn't
cultivate the relationship she should have while she was fever.
I know that's a lot. No it's not. But you're
speaking betrays she and I'm sure you don't know that.
So let's see if we can unpack some of this. Okay,
(21:14):
So are you and your sister in communication now? No?
Um so, Actually, my mother's birthday just passed, and while
I was there on the day of her birthday, I
texted her just saying, hey, this thinking of you today
and you know, love you, what have you? She never responded,
and my father said she never responded to his call
(21:35):
as well, and then I texted her again actually last night.
So and why do you tell yourself she's not responding.
She's upset that. I guess I still continue to be
there and make myself a bailable to my mother to
honor her, and I think she thinks it makes her
(21:55):
look a certain way that she is not. Now do
you know that to be true or is that what
you've made up that's probably what I made up, and
I think the reason why I think it's true. Again,
she made very public declarations right during the service, but
privately she was never there and so on social media,
(22:19):
of course, I did make a post just saying happy
birthday to my mother, but they were pictures showing me,
my father and her son. You know there, my sister's son. Yeah,
he's almost like a son to me. He and I
are very close. He actually used to call me his
mother and not my sister. Mm hmmm. Is that one
(22:41):
of your sister's children at your mother raised. Yes, she
has three children, and my nephew was the first grandchild,
and my mother was upset with my sister over the
fact that his father wasn't in his life and my
sister wasn't really around, you know, she was partying and
not taking care of him. So I took care of him.
(23:03):
I was in high school at the time, but when
I would get home, I would be there. My mother
would take care of him, and my mother took care
of him until her passing. Financially, he lived with my parents.
He would get guidance and things from me. Let me
ask you this question, is your relationship to your sister
(23:24):
an important relationship in your life. I mean, does it
bring you joy? Do you value it? Okay, so it's
not important relationships, So why are you bothering If it's
not an important relationship? Can you give yourself permission to
accept it just as it is? I think what troubles
(23:47):
me about it is I've always wanted a relationship with her.
I mean, she's my sister, and now that my mother
is no longer here, uh, I want her and I
as women to be able to bond over like the
commonality of like we have the same mother and create
(24:09):
a new relationship, one that we've not had, just because
she still represents a piece of my mother. And I
think that's why I'm bothered. So you want her because
she represents a piece of your mother, not because you
accept her for who she is, just as she is.
M I never thought about it that way. Well, like
(24:30):
I said, you're speaking betraysure, and trust me when I
tell you she has felt that he felt it. Yeah,
you said early on in your communication that you believe
that she was jealous because her father wasn't around and
(24:50):
your father raised both of you. How do you think
it made this young girl feel that her daddy wasn't there.
Get on her side at the table. Yeah, this man
is good and he's wonderful, and but he ain't my daddy.
Where's my daddy? How do you think that made her
(25:11):
feel sad and hurt? Yeah? And how did your mother
deal with that that the man she chose to lay
down with, the man she chose to have a child with,
was absent. His child is in her care feeling sad
and hurt? How did your mother deal with that? He didn't.
She did not address it, and she did not. Ah,
(25:34):
So something that is important to this young girl whose
father isn't there, wasn't dealt with. You want to know
why she was fighting your mother because she was mad
as hell? What matters to me isn't important. What I
feel isn't important. I felt that, and I feel that. Well,
(25:57):
let me offer you this to consider that your mother
was in relationship with a man who ended up incarcerated.
So there probably was some issues between her and him
that she never wanted to talk to you or his
daughter about. How about that? And that's a right as
a woman. But when there's a child involved, you've got
(26:18):
to secure the child first and address the needs of
the child first, And it is so very common that
when a woman is in breakdown with the child's father
that she will not or does not address the issue
(26:39):
and expects the child to be okay with that. She
had a right to know and then build her relationship,
or not build her relationship, but just to say it's
not important for you to know who your father is. Yeah,
she probably was jealous because you had something she wanted
(26:59):
her father. He couldn't be good enough to her to
erase the human instinct to want to know where you
came from. Don't mean she don't appreciate it. Yeah. Okay,
So we've got this young girl who is feeling out
of place, sad, heart and angry. Yeah, you sound like
(27:20):
a very learned woman to me. Do you know the
number one cause of promiscuity among young girls? I would
say father's or parents not being their lives, daddy loss daughters. Yeah,
ask me how I know? How do you know I'm
(27:41):
a ciana? None of your business. No, So fast forward. Hurt, sad, angry,
looking for love, shows up at the mother's funeral, seeking
public attention, making grand and gestures. Can you see the
(28:02):
connection there? I can't that the hurt sad, angry little
girl would show up where everybody is and try to
get their attention, and even telling untruths because it's an
untruth that the man who gave her everything was her father.
He wasn't. He was her dad, but he wasn't her father,
(28:24):
So she was taught how to live an untruth. Does
that make sense to you, It makes a lot of sense. Yeah.
I did not look at it that way at all.
I never have. But I want you to hear the
depth of hurt and sadness in the core of her being.
(28:47):
You got to get that if you don't get nothing else.
And then, not knowing how else to manage it, she
expresses herself in this very inappropriate way, and instead of
somebody gathering her up in their bosom and letting her
weep her heart out, they send her away. Yeah, you
(29:09):
ain't want it. You don't want you here, which is
probably the secret thought your mother had about having a
baby by a man that would beat her and end
up in jail. Yeah, it's not your story, but I
need to understand this. But you said something so powerful
and so beautiful. You said you want to build a
(29:32):
relationship with her, as women, a relationship that you've never had.
But I'm going to challenge you on it. We'll talk
more about it when we come back. Welcome back to
(29:55):
the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You
said you want to build the relationship with her as women,
and I'm gonna ask you why if you met her
at a barbecue and she was there and you saw
her the way she dressed, the way she talks, the
way she looks, how she shows up, would she be
somebody you want to build a relationship with. So, not
(30:19):
that you shouldn't do this at all, but I want
you to get how you're going into this thing. What
I want to encourage you to do is find that
place of compassion within yourself to look at this woman,
your sister, and learn to accept who she is just
(30:41):
as she is, no conditions, no questions, no judgments. Okay,
And if you can't do that, leave it alone. You
can still text her love you, you can call her
for a birthday, sent her something nice, But until you
get clear, don't try to create a relationship with her,
(31:05):
because that's only going to hurt her even more. Yeah. Yeah,
I had a sister who wasn't my sister. We didn't
share mother and father, but we were raised together as sisters.
But she didn't like me because she was an only child.
My brother and I when we were young were kind
of infused into her life and told that we were
(31:26):
her brother and sister. You know, she was eleven twelve
thirteen when we showed up and she you know, I
can't say my sister ever did anything mean to me.
I was like a mole. You know, you have a
mole on your face and it's there. You have to
accept it, you have to like it, you put makeup
(31:47):
on it. You you really don't want the mole there.
You just don't want it there where it's at. And
that's how she treated men. And it took me a
long time to really understand what that was us, and
to not make myself responsible for it, but to understand it.
But I tell you, and as soon as I got
(32:07):
an opportunity to get the hell away from her, I did.
And then she died, and then I really had to
do some work. So what I'm saying to you is
love her and prepare yourself. You see, you would never
give her space to unload about your mom. You want
(32:29):
her to celebrate the woman that denied her needs and
didn't handle her needs and sent her away. You want
her to honor your mother the same way you do.
Come on, Yeah, you're right. Until she does some healing work,
that's not going to happen. You're exactly right. So what
can you do differently? Now? Wow? I think I need
(32:53):
to look inward at my motivation or why I want
us to be in each other's lives, and my motivation
for even thinking the way that I'm thinking in terms
of her not being present and not doing those things
for a mother. I need to look at why I'm
(33:15):
creating those narratives, and then I need to just be there,
be there for her to talk, to be just listen.
I guess without condition, and even if it's something that
I don't want to hear, and be willing to be
(33:36):
wrong and not so much wrong but slified, so to speak,
because she's going to have a certain perspective that I
don't have, be willing for her to see it differently.
Her experience was different. I'm telling you, my heart goes
out to her. She's suffering in ways that you can't
(33:57):
even comprehend, and just your mere present. That's another source
of embarrassment. And shame and guilt. You a problem. Do
you get that you represent everything that has gone wrong
in her life? And that's not what I was trying
to be. No, there's nothing you need to do, there's
(34:18):
nothing you've done. I just wanted you to be on
her side of the table and look back at it
from another perspective until you can want to be in
relationship with her, woman to woman, each of you accepting
who you are, just as you are, with no conditions
and no judgments. I would say, do your relationship by
(34:39):
texts and cards. Yes, that's that's the safest option. Don't
expect her to shift until you shift, yep, because when
you shift, you're gonna see her differently, and you don't
have to feel sorry for her. You don't have to
pity her. And I offer you this, if ever you
(35:00):
have a conversation with her and the two of you
want to talk to me together, I would welcome that
phone call than you, because I don't know if anybody
has ever witnessed her pain, and I will venture to
say that no one has. Yeah, good for you, and
even though you've got some work to do, your good sister, Well,
(35:24):
thank you. I'm gonna pray that one day the two
of you will be able to be together as women.
I really appreciate that. I'm going to work on shift. Okay,
tell me something you know now that you didn't know
when you call me. I know now that I I've
(35:45):
been operating, I think from a selfish place in this
entire situation. Don't be so hard on your side. You're
operating from your perspective and didn't recognize your sister's pain. Yeah,
I think I would. I don't know if you see
this to be harsh, but it's just the way I
see it. I think that I was doing to her
(36:07):
what my mother did to her. Bingo, bam, you got
it that. I'm so glad you know that. So forgive yourself.
Recognize her suffering, don't sit in it with her, because
she's perfectly capable of healing and pulling herself up. You've
got to know that about her and see that about it.
(36:30):
And the same way you make up stuff about her,
she makes up stuff about you. I'm sure, oh man.
The two things I want you to leave this call
with our I forgive myself for the ways I have
judged my sister, the way my mother judged her. And
(36:52):
I forgive myself for not recognizing my sister suffering. I
praise she knows peace. Those two things will thank you
so much. I appreciate you. Thank you for calling. Thank you.
Have a great day. Okay, bye bye bye. There are
(37:16):
several important ingredients that keep relationships healthy. People will talk
about communication and commitment, but they often forget about the truth.
And very often in relationships, we withhold the truth in
(37:38):
an effort to protect people from what we think they
can handle well. I think a psychological term for that
is co dependency. I won't call you on your stuff,
you don't call me all my stuff. In other words,
we don't tell each other the truth. One of my
favorite lessons from a course in miracles is t will
(38:01):
correct all errors in my mind. If you want your
relationship to grow and thrive, if you want the errors
in your thinking about who you are and who they
are and what is possible, if you want that to
be corrected, you simply must tell the truth. And sometimes
(38:22):
the truth you need to tell may have a negative
impact on other people. Know this, they will survive or not.
You still get to choose. I hope this has been
helpful to someone, And if you have a question about
this or any other relationship issue, you can call me
(38:45):
live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven
six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social
media for all of the calling times, and until then,
stay in peace and not peace Peace. The R Spot
is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I
(39:09):
Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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