May 17, 2023 • 48 mins
This week’s episode is all about mothers-in-law, when two women tell Iyanla that they’re both in conflict with their partners’ overbearing mother. The first caller feels abandoned by her own family and her husband, leading to a revolutionary breakdown. Iyanla’s second caller is dealing with a mother who micromanages everything, texting about every detail, like if her son has eaten for the day.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am Yamla. I've been very open about the fact
that I was not always good at making my relationships work.
I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
In other words, I have seen a lot and failed
a lot in my relationships. So I am here to
share with you what I learned along the way because
(00:24):
I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Sometimes
(00:46):
the right road takes the wrong turn, and sometimes the
wrong turn will lead us to the right place. We
don't always understand why certain people, certain situations, certain experiences
come forward in our life. What I've learned through many,
(01:09):
many years of trial and error is that things are
always as they need to be, and there's always more.
There's always more going on that we can see or
recognize or understand. The thing is this that when it's
time for us to heal or grow or evolve in
(01:30):
some way, life will send us people, circumstances, situations to
facilitate our healing, our growth, our evolution. And what it
looks like to us is this is bad, this is wrong.
That person is bad. They're doing this to me. Will
sink into the victimhood. But there's always more, and sometimes
(01:55):
that wrong turn is leading us to the right place.
We should always consider, all right, there's something more going
on here. This feels like this, and this looks like this,
and I'm calling it this, that or the other thing.
But the truth is some part of me has called
(02:16):
this in so that I can heal or grow or
stretch or evolve always, and it's not always easy to
recognize that the right road can take the wrong turn,
and the wrong turn can lead us to the right place,
(02:37):
which is always for our highest good. That's my first
caller story today. The right road took a wrong turn,
but it's led her to the R Spot. Take a listen.
(02:58):
Good morning, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. And
how can I support you today and moving through whatever
relationship issue, challenge, dilemma you are facing.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I'll just start with I've been married for how about
we've been together twenty years and I had a business
and I moved to another state to be with my parents.
I had to close it because I had an injury
and I met my husband. He wasn't working. I was
working with two jobs at that time, but we started
(03:31):
a relationship, and his family didn't approve of me. They
didn't like me. They never have, and they made comments
about me, you know, while I'm right there and just
it's always been very disrespectful. I've always felt disrespected. Now
we have children, and I moved back home. He came
(03:51):
with me, and I've stopped visiting over there because I've
been trying to tell him for years to speak up
for me, to support me, and he feels like, I
think it's if he says anything, they won't speak to
him anymore, or yeah, it's just that's just how it's been.
(04:12):
And I every time his mother will go around around me.
We've never had a relationship, so she will go through
him to get what she needs. Or if she wants
to send something here, she'll she'll send it without I
won't even know about it. My husband will just send it,
and I feel like it's sending her the wrong message
(04:32):
because he's never really dealt with the issue with his family,
and I kind of feel like this is coming from
I have a hard time dealing with this kind of
stuff because I've I was adopted. My mother was not
very she was not very affectionate towards me.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Take a breath, Take a breath, I was. I just
tell him, wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute,
don't rush yourself. Let all of that come up. Let
it come up. We don't have nothing else to do
right now. What is that? Just take a minute and
(05:17):
ask yourself. What am I feeling right now? What is this?
What is it?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
It's the near abandon.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yeah, abandoned. Take a breath, don't rush yourself. Where are
you feeling that in your body?
Speaker 2 (05:38):
In my chest? That always feeling in my chest.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
Okay, So sit right there for a moment, focus your
attention and your energy on your chest so that you
can take care of yourself the way maybe nobody else
ever has. And when you focus in on your chest,
what does it feel like? What else do you feel?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
I feel like it's been released, it's going away, the tightenment.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Okay, good, So sit right there for a moment, as
the grandmothers would say, let's tarry there for a minute.
Can you do that?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Do that? Good? Check and see what else does it feel?
What does it feel like? Or what are you thinking?
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Ah like? Scared almost a bit?
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Okay? Good, Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. That's okay. Let
that come up because I'm seeing or sensing or feeling
and there's a part of you that never felt safe
enough to cry. Yeah, yeah, because if you cried, what
(07:08):
would happen? What would happen if you cried?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
I'm trying to remember. Just stop crying?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Is that what they said? Stop that crying?
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Yeah, stop the crying?
Speaker 1 (07:30):
And then what did they say? Stop that crying?
Speaker 2 (07:35):
And then you're in the other room. Keep your mouth shut? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yeah, yeah, come on, breathe, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Respect me. I don't need to respect you. I mean
you respect me.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah, come on, breathe. You're doing good. Come on, you're
doing good. We just moving that energy out. We're just
moving it out and I'm gonna sit right here with
you until it's gone. Okay, you don't have to do
it by yourself this time. This time, you're not alone. Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Okay, it's scared and it's angry.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Yeah, yeah, good. Let's go to the anger for a minute.
It's not gonna hurt you. It's not gonna hurt you.
Let's go to the anger, and I want you to
let the anger use your mouth. Okay, what does the
anger want to say?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Why are you trying to turn like kids against me.
Why are you yea, why are you feeling them with
Why are you talking bad about me to my children?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Why are you hurting me? Yeah? Why are you doing
this to me?
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah, breathe? How about this one? I want my mommy.
I just want my mommy. Breathe, come on, ok yeah
yeah yeah, right there, Yeah, yeah, that's it. Just let
(09:30):
her weep, baby, It's okay, you're not alone this time. Yeah, yes,
it's okay, it's okay. Yeah. Yeah, Just let all of
that come up, all of that come up, because that's
(09:54):
what gets triggered every time you encounter your mother in law,
every time she's me to you, every time she doesn't
hear you, every time she doesn't acknowledge you, when she
doesn't empathize with you. There's a part of you saying,
I just want my mommy.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah yeah, nobody to run to that I could.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Go to, yeah, somebody, yeah, somebody that'll hear you, somebody
that will love you. But because you're holding all of
this old old energy of hurt and sadness and grief
(10:46):
and anger, you're just recreating everything that you lived, and
your mother in law's just playing a role in your movie. Yeah,
doesn't make her right, doesn't make her wrong. But I
want you to understand that the deeper you can go
to release this energy, the easier it'll be to deal
(11:08):
with her. Does that make sense to you, Yes, it does, yeah, yeah,
because she's not empathizing with you, she's not treating you well,
you're recreating and reliving not in your mind, but in
your energy, all of those things. And you're alone because
(11:30):
your husband, dealing with his mother, abandons you.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Yes, yeah, which doesn't choose a side or he doesn't
want to have said to his mother.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
He doesn't choose you, that's the bottom line. He doesn't
choose you, which then recreates the abandonment by your birth
mother and the neglect by your adopted mother.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Yeah. And then unfortunately, the children, your children become collateral
damage in this war, this discord between you and their grandmother.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah. And I heard you say when we started, when
you start speaking, things get all jumbled up in your mind.
And that's because you've swallowed so many words from when
you were a young girl what you couldn't say, So
you still have all of that residue gathered up in
(12:57):
your brain. Yes, yeah, take a break.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I've been going to therapy and working with a therapist
and trying to get better at articulating that I have
to say I can, I can heal. I've been listening
to for a couple of years too. That's really helped me.
I take you everywhere I go from it my heart
(13:24):
right here. That's study. My heart has been having issues
abound heart medicine. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
It's because your heart is broken. Yeah, your heart is broken.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
And I am so happy to hear that you've got
some outside intervention, that you're getting some healing work.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
I mean some you know work, but you need deep,
deep healing to.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Work in that.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah. And and sometimes in addition to therapy, you also
want to do some energy healing work. Because I can
feel the energy in your heart. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I've been having to pray. I would be going to
church and the voluntary over there, and I've had them
praying over my heart and the holy hands of my heart.
And I go in for prayer a lot. And I
love on my kids a lot. I make sure that
I'm giving them exactly what I didn't have, so they
probably get tired of all my husbands love.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
But I know children never get tired of that.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Yeah, everything that I didn't get, I make sure that
they're getting everything.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
But I don't want you to give it to them
because you didn't get it, because that doesn't work. I
want you to give it to them because you want
them to have it. Yes, we often make that mistakes
as parents to give our children what we didn't have,
which strips the gift of its integrity. We're not giving
(15:06):
it to them from a place of open heartedness, We're
giving it to them from a place of woundedness. Okay,
So don't give them what you didn't have, give them
what you have for them. It's a slight difference, but
it's very important.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So let's deal with what you called about, which was
your mother in law. Okay, Yeah, we'll talk more about
it when we come back. Welcome back to the r spot.
Let's pick up where we left off. She is what
(15:48):
I would call a catalyst for your healing. She is
simply triggering and bringing up the broken, wounded places so
that you know what needs to be healed. And you
are recreating or reliving the early childhood experiences. And while
(16:13):
it's hard and it's difficult, it's also brought you to
the awareness of what needs to be healed. Right, She's
really not out to get you. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
I've talked about it. Is there as you that since
my husband's not he hasn't shown that he can support
me yet, so I've cut off going with him on
trips to go through his family. They just had a
funeral recently, his grandmother, and I got along with her
so good. She was so so nice to me, And
(16:48):
but I didn't go because I don't want to be
around that. I just I just feel triggered.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I guess very good. Good. Wait a minute, wait a minute,
good for you. Do you know what you really did?
You took care of yourself. Yes, not because you were triggered.
Let's let's raise it up. You took care of yourself.
Good for you. Yeah, there is no reason on God's
(17:16):
green earth that you have to subject yourself to abuse.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
No, and my children didn't want to go. They didn't
want to go either because they and they heard overheard
a conversation with him and his mother. And my husband
thinks that the kids don't hear everything, and so they
know and hear everything else since since they were able
to hear with their ears, they see and hear everything,
and you know, they they want to stay with mom,
(17:43):
and I just feel better and he can go see
his mom and I'll stay here and I'll wait for him,
and when he's ready to go into therapy with me,
then we'll go. Then we could start working on that
then until I see that. I actually haven't even been
intimate with him for a couple of years, so we're
kind of just co parentinge. And he still comes and
gives me a kiss on the cheek when he leaves
(18:04):
to work, and like, oh, okay, for he's fine with it.
He just wants to keep his mother happy. Right now,
I guess.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
First of all, I want to bring something to your awareness. Okay,
when you called, your voice was low and your words
were muddled. Do you just hear how you spoke out loud?
Just now?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Yes, that's what happens when you move energy and when
you take care of yourself. And since he is not capable, willing, ready, able,
whatever you want to call it, to take care of you,
you have to take care of yourself and you that's
what you did when you said, I'm not going to
(18:50):
the funeral to subject myself to violation, abuse, dishonor and
disrespect by your family. I'm not doing it. Good for you?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Not doing it a no more? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Good?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
It made me serve That's why I finally had to
get to the bottom of it.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yes, good for you. Did you celebrate yourself for that?
I'm telling you that deserves a new pair of shoes
or new pair of panties.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Do I go out on my own into my own thing?
And good? I'm just trying to I am being truthful
with myself and trying to take care of yourself. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Maybe that's something that your adopted mother didn't do. But
what I want you to do, because this is your husband,
is when you're ready. You don't have to do it today, tomorrow,
next week. I want you to sit with what we've
talked about, and when you're ready, I want you to
tell him the truth and explain it to him. One
(19:52):
of the reasons I stop being intimate with you is
because you abandoned me in the face of your mother's mistreatment,
and I cannot allow you into my sacred space. I
cannot be intimate with you when you don't see me,
you don't empathize with me, and you don't protect me.
(20:13):
Because Your responsibility is your as my husband, is to
provide for me and to protect me. You're not doing
your job as a husband. I can no longer do
that part of my job as your wife. Let him
know because since you are the one on the healing
line right now, that's what we call when you're going
through something like this. As his wife, you want to
(20:36):
encourage him to heal. So let him know. You can't
worship in my temple if you don't. If you keep
abandoning me, why would I share myself with you when
you have abandoned me. You need to work on that, sir.
But help him understand. Help him understand, not just that
(20:57):
you're withholding sex, you're taking care of yourself because he didn't.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
So here's here's the deal. First of all, good for you.
Oh my god, I how do you feel right now?
How does it feel?
Speaker 2 (21:12):
I feel so good. I'm gonna make me a good
prefaces and wants to do.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Good. Just watch Mindless TV.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Thank you. I have to share with you that I've
I've been pretending that you're my mom talking when I
listened to you all the shows that I feel okay,
I can relate to everybody that you talk to It's
like something in there for me. I feel every time
I hear you. So that's right. But I'm so glad
that you I got to do it more deeper.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah. Yeah, And and I can be your mom because
very often when when the family we have doesn't work,
we have to pick another one. Right, So all you
did was just pick another mother. We're gonna find you
another father and sister. And that's fine. You know whoever
that is for you? You know you do that. If
(22:06):
you were to go away for a weekend, do you
have someone for the children to stay with? What they
stay with? Your husband?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Yeah, you have to take time off, you would stay
with him.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
This is what I'm gonna do for you. I'm going
to give you a scholarship to my Rights of Passage
Program for Women.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Oh yeah, no, it's.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
A nine week program. It's a nine week program. You're
gonna work online for nine weeks and then in August
you're gonna come to Boone, North Carolina. So start saving
your money and you're going to go through a healing
process with other women, and I'm going to give you
(22:46):
a scholarship to that process. The online program starts in
June because part of what you're going through is you
just miss so much teaching as a woman. But based
on what you're saying to me, I hear it coming
through your intuition. You're doing the right things and the
(23:07):
right way. You're learning how to take a stand for
yourself and stand up for yourself, and I just want
to celebrate that with you. Thank you, great, great work,
great great work today. Okay, and just imagine, if it
wasn't for your mother in law, you would have never
called me. Yeah, thank you mother in law.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Okay, love you, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Love you back. Great great work. Keep that voice strong. Okay,
you're sounding real strong right now.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Okay, good for her. Did you hear the change in
her voice?
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Made sick. In life, we have relationships with people that
intersect with other people, and so very often we don't
know how to keep those relationships separate, and we don't
know how to build those relationships independently. So, you have
(24:18):
a sister and your sister has a husband. You have
a relationship with your sister as your sister. You have
a relationship with your sister as another woman. You also
have a relationship with your brother in law. As your
brother in law and a relationship with your brother in
law as a man. So that means you have four
different relationships. And we have to learn how to have
(24:43):
boundaries and clarity about the intersecting relationships that we have
in our life, because if we don't, the boundaries get
blurred and the responsibilities are abandoned, and it just becomes
a hot mess. And I always say, first, deal with
(25:05):
people on the common ground, deal with your sister as
another woman and your brother in law as a man,
and then deal with your sister as a married woman
and your brother in law as your brother in law,
because each of those relationships has different needs and different
(25:27):
boundaries and different requirements. And when we don't do that,
it just becomes a hot mess. And that's what my
next caller is facing. She is in the midst of
a hot mess. But there's a way out. Take a listen.
Good morning, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. What
(25:50):
is your relationship challenge, issued dilemma, problem, circumstance situationship that
we can nibble on together today.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
Over protective mother in law?
Speaker 1 (26:07):
I know, what does that mean? Who is mama in law?
Over protecting.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Her fun?
Speaker 3 (26:15):
Her fun and I just don't know what to do
at this point. Yeah, you don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Alrighty, So tell me more. How long have you been married?
What is the experience?
Speaker 3 (26:32):
So me and the guy had been talking for three years.
He proposed the second year, and it seems like since then,
she's just been just finding nitpicking with me or finding
little things. She'll call him all throughout.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
The day.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Saying I need you to do this, or go here
or do that, just finding little things to just get
at me about, texting me throughout the day, asking me
stuff like it's a lot like.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Did my son eat today?
Speaker 3 (27:10):
What didn't my son eat?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
And I'm like, oh lord, And what does he say
about it?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
I talked to him before about it. He basically just
keeps saying, you're in a relationship with me, not my mother.
Just trying to block her out, And I do like
I I tried to block her out. I was going
to block her on my phone and stuff. And I'm like, well,
I don't want to be rude or disrespectful and I
don't want to say anything out of line to her,
(27:37):
but it's just getting to that point where she's just
like everything, my son, my son, this my son that,
And I'm like, I know who your son is. You
don't have to keep, you know, reminding me.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
So why do you think this is going on? What
do you tell yourself about this?
Speaker 2 (27:59):
I just don't know.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Maybe she doesn't want me to be his wife. Yeah,
I I really don't know, because in the beginning she
was she was very nice, very nice to me. Would
invite me into her home. I haven't. She doesn't even
invite me into her home anymore.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
What does that mean into her home? What does that you?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Yeah, he'll go without me or if he has me
to drop something off to her during the day or
something like that. If he can't do it, he'll meet
me at the door. And you know, that's it. That's it.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Have you ever asked her, are you going to invite
me in?
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Well? I have asked her what is the issue? And
she has said, whatever we have going on me and you,
you don't have to involve my son. He doesn't need
to know about it. And I told her, I said,
I don't have anything going on with you, Like I
don't have any issues with you. I don't know what
(29:02):
you mean.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
By that, Is that true? I don't have any issues
with you? Is that true.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Well, I didn't have any issues with her up until now.
So my issue is trying to figure out I'm trying
to figure out what is your issue with me?
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Why do you think it's the issue is with you?
Why can't it just be her issue?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Well, yeah, I think it's because he didn't grow up
with his mom, and I feel like she's trying to
like make up for lost time for her not being
there in his life. And now it's just like it's
it's just becoming too much. It's like check her or
say something to her, like just becoming too much on
(29:47):
our relationship. It's like either say something to her or
then I'm going to have to say something. And I
don't want to have to say something because I know
that I know how I get, know how I get,
and I don't want to come on. I don't want
to be rue or disrespectful to his mother.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Okay, what makes you think it's rude or disrespectful to
ask for what you need or want.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
Oh it's okay, it's not.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Well, she's not your mother in law. Y'all are not
married yet.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Is that right?
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Do you have any issues around getting married being married.
Have you been married before?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
No?
Speaker 3 (30:28):
I haven't. This would be the first time. It's a
lot of side talk instead of him being able to
talk out freely and her being able to talk freely
when I'm around. I feel like, you know, they could
be possibly talking. He could be talking negative negatively about me,
and he just probably doesn't bring it to me, so
(30:51):
I won't, you know, stress or worry about it. But yeah,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Could they be talking positively about you?
Speaker 3 (31:02):
That I can't really say, because how I don't see
a person talking positive about me and then turning around
when he's not around and just being nasty.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Well, let's see if we can just break this down
a little bit. We'll talk about that right after this break.
Welcome back. I am yan learning this is the r
spot first of all, your beloved relationship. His mother is
(31:39):
mothering a child, not an adult. So somehow in the mix,
she has missed the boat in terms of understanding he's
not a child, he's an adult, So she hasn't learned
how to mother an adult. That don't have nothing to
do with you. You're just getting caught up in mix.
(32:01):
She's mothering a child as opposed to mothering an adult,
and it is his responsibility to let her know, Hey, mom, mama, mommy,
whatever he calls her. I suspect he calls about her
first name. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
No, they.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Nicknames for each other, Okay, but.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
That's his responsibility to let her know. Wait a minute,
I'm a man. I don't need you checking on my laundry,
my food, my shoes, my nose, my we wei. I
don't need you checking on that. I'm a grown man,
and you are my mother. I love and respect you,
(32:45):
but there are places in my life that you are
no longer it's no longer appropriate for you to be
in and calling my beloved to find out if I've
eaten is one of those areas. So that's one thing.
You've got a mother parenting as though the adult is
still a child. Again, that doesn't have anything to do
(33:07):
with you. Then you have a mother who consciously or
unconsciously sees you as the other woman. So that says
to me that somehow, in some way, she has made
her son your beloved, her emotional husband. Mothers do it
(33:31):
all the time. She's looking for some sort of fulfillment
or care or attachment to him emotionally as though he
were her husband, not as though he were her son. Again,
that has nothing to do with you. It is incumbent
(33:53):
upon him to create the boundaries. Does that make sense
to you? Yes, So she sees you as an other
woman and she's vying with you for his affections. That's
a problem. But for you, you're dealing with an elder woman,
(34:19):
b a woman who matters to your beloved. So you
have to deal with her first woman to woman, junior
to elder, and second as another woman in your beloved's life.
And that's your stuff. That's your stuff, and it may
(34:44):
not seem like it's important, But the fact that you
haven't talked to your mother about this to get some
wisdom and insight about this says to me that there's
something going on with you. Yeah, yeah, you think.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
So.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Mother in law has really come to okay, So what
is that? What is going on with you?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
I don't know, I don't know. I remember just the
other day I was telling him about how I wanted
to start going to like counseling and stuff like that
individually and then together, and that was like an argument
(35:34):
because it kind of was like, well, what is it
that you need to talk to a stranger about that
you can't talk to me about, and I told him,
you know, I just want to make sure that I
am prepared for marriage. I want to make sure that
I am the best version of myself. And I never,
(35:58):
you know, really thought about going to therapy or anything
like that until like a couple months ago, two, a
couple months ago.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
So it doesn't have to be anything wrong. It may
be that you need an objective third party to support
you in growing, healing, stretching into this new role of
being a wife, eventually being a mother, eventually being a
daughter in law. When you've got a difficult situation with
(36:30):
your mother in law m mm hmm, because your relationship
with her is going to mirror your relationship with your mother.
And just as you said, you haven't spoken to your
mother about this situation with your future mother in law,
and so that means there are things that you haven't
(36:51):
said to her. There are things that you haven't said
to your mother in law that you need to say,
not in a disrespectful way, not in an angry way.
But if you withhold, you withhold, I would want to know,
are you going to invite me in? Okay? I just
(37:13):
need you to understand that it hurts my feelings when
I come to your house knowing how much you mean
to Boo Boo, I don't know what his name is,
and you leave me on the doorstep like a stranger.
What are we going to do when we have children.
I want them to be in good relationship with you,
(37:34):
but they can't be in good relationship with you if
you're not in good relationship with me. So I want
to fix this. How does it make you feel when
she doesn't invite you into her home? And why are
you running errands? Why can't he take it to.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Her if he's at work, she.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Waits and you have to let him know. When I
go to your mother's house, she doesn't even have the
decency to invite me in for a glass of water.
I'm not running your errands anymore. If she doesn't know
how to treat me, then it's incumbent upon you to
train her or you run the errands. I'm not doing it.
You got to take care of yourself. This is an
(38:20):
elder woman and she's out of order, and you're not
telling her how the way she treats you makes you feel.
Why not?
Speaker 3 (38:29):
I know the first time I didn't say anything because
she came to the door like she was on the phone,
So I'm just like, okay, well you're on the phone.
But even then, it's been a few times when I've
been over there and you know someone has called or
something like that, and you know, you still let me in.
So that's why I was just like, well, if you
don't want to let me in, then it's no need
for me to continue to keep coming to your home.
(38:50):
And I'm not going to beg to come into a
home that I'm not welcome in.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
I want you to make some clear distinctions here. First,
junior woman, younger woman to elder woman, and she may
not know how to be in relationship with you in
that way, so you may have to teach her. And
(39:17):
then as the other woman in your beloved's heart, you
want to know that he has room for both of you.
You're not trying to take her place, you're not trying
to replace her, and that she is important to him,
which makes her important to you. You've got to establish
(39:39):
that with her, woman to woman, junior to elder, daughter
to mother. That's your work, that's not his work. His
work is to create some boundaries with her and to
remind her he's a man, he's not a child. His
(40:01):
work is to remind her that you are important to him,
and she is important to him, and both of y'all
have to live together in his heart.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
But as a woman, you can also have a relationship
with her that's separate and apart from his relationship with her.
But you have to create that. Right now, you're just
dealing with her as though she's his mother, and you're
not dealing with her a woman to woman. Does that
(40:36):
make sense to you?
Speaker 2 (40:38):
It does?
Speaker 1 (40:42):
So what is it that you need to say to
her that you haven't said that?
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I don't know, because I have told him, but I
haven't told her that. I'm not trying to take her
spot again. I don't know if I need to tell
her life. I'm not. You know, I know that you
weren't in his life in the beginning.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
It's none of your business. That's none of your business.
Stay out of that. Stay out of that. That is
pillow talk between you and him. That's his sacred information.
You don't reveal that to her, You don't use that
against her. You don't even reveal to her that he
told you that, because that is his relationship with her.
(41:26):
You have to establish your relationship with her and to
share with her how it makes you feel, Not that
what she's doing is wrong or she shouldn't do it,
but how it makes you feel when she does these things.
How does it make you feel when she doesn't let
you in the house. How does it make you feel
(41:48):
when she calls you checking on your son? Create that boundary,
Say mo, miss Williams, it doesn't feel good to me
that you're calling and checking on your son, calling me
checking on your son. He's a grown man and I'm
not his mother. You are. So if he doesn't eat,
(42:10):
that ain't on me, that's on you. That's on him.
Why are you asking me that? Ask him? Why are
you asking me that? I'm just curious, why are you
asking me that?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Right?
Speaker 1 (42:22):
So, this is about you using your voice and creating
boundaries and establishing relationships that value the other person but
also honor you, Okay, And don't do it from a
place of anger and victimhood. Create the boundary because the
(42:44):
same way you are the other woman in his life,
she's the other woman.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I see.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
You know, I have a relationship with my daughter in
law that's separate in the part from my relationship with
my son. She's a junior woman to me, and I
have made sure I'll call her, invite her places. I
don't even tell him about it. Why because it's not
about him, it's about my relationship with her. He bought
(43:17):
her a coffee maker for Christmas. I was like, what
in the blazon of Jesus a coffee maker? I don't understand.
I didn't even know that she drank coffee. I didn't.
I didn't know. But when I saw what he bought
(43:39):
her for Christmas, and he bought it over here and
asked me to wrap it up for it, I ran
around my house and found every little intimate thing I
could find and wrapped it up. And when she came
to get her gifts the next day, she had perfume,
and she had a this and a that, And I
(44:00):
ain't nothing to him or to her. I didn't say
anything to him or to her, and she was happy
about the coffee maker, but she was even more excited
about the perfume that I found in my closet that
I hadn't opened and gave to her in his name.
(44:20):
What in the world a coffee maker? You need to
go somewhere and left the price tag on it too,
because as a woman, I knew how it would felt
feel for me if my husband gave me a coffee
maker for Christmas. So, woman to woman, I wanted her
(44:41):
to feel better. And then I'm like, Okay, he has
lost his good mind. That's all he brings in his
wife on Christmas? Yeah, what is wrong with him? But
I wasn't gonna beat him up, so I dealt with
it as a woman how I wanted her as a
woman to feel, not as a mother in law. You understand.
(45:04):
So that's why I'm saying to you, establish a relationship
with her woman to woman, and then create boundaries for
her as your mother in law. You better put your
big girl panties on. You're gonna be navigating this for
the rest of your life. Invite them to lunch. I
(45:28):
don't mean no harm, miss Williams, but it don't feel
good to me that you're calling me asking me if
booboo ate. That's a question you have to ask him.
So if you want to know something about him, please
call him. I want us to talk about us. I
don't want us to talk about don't you know? And
if she'll do it again, you say, Miss Williams, Mama Williams,
(45:51):
whatever you want to call her. I've asked you not
to text me or call me asking me about him.
That's something you got to ask. That's about you and him,
That's not about me and you.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
Okay, thank you, sir, Thank you for calling.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
Let me know how the lunch goes. Okay, bye bye.
All relationships require boundaries, and there are three levels of
boundaries that we must think about. First of all, the
(46:29):
boundary for yourself within yourself. I don't care who the
relationship is with. You have a right to create a
boundary for yourself between yourself and the other person. And
then you have a right to request and honor the
boundaries that the other people said between themselves. Boundaries, they're
(46:55):
so important. And the final boundary that we always forget
to set is the boundary that keeps us safe and
the boundary that honors everybody in a way that honors
everyone's highest and greatest good. Because until we have clear,
(47:18):
well established, honored and respected boundaries, our relationships will bleed
into each other in inappropriate ways. Now, you can't set
the boundaries that people have between themselves. But if your
boundaries are clear, you do have the right to request
(47:38):
and require that they honor your boundaries. I hope this
has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me
on social media for all of the calling times, and
(48:00):
until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
(48:20):
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am Yamla. I've been very open about the fact
that I was not always good at making my relationships work.
I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
In other words, I have seen a lot and failed
a lot in my relationships. So I am here to
share with you what I learned along the way because
(00:24):
I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Sometimes
(00:46):
the right road takes the wrong turn, and sometimes the
wrong turn will lead us to the right place. We
don't always understand why certain people, certain situations, certain experiences
come forward in our life. What I've learned through many,
(01:09):
many years of trial and error is that things are
always as they need to be, and there's always more.
There's always more going on that we can see or
recognize or understand. The thing is this that when it's
time for us to heal or grow or evolve in
(01:30):
some way, life will send us people, circumstances, situations to
facilitate our healing, our growth, our evolution. And what it
looks like to us is this is bad, this is wrong.
That person is bad. They're doing this to me. Will
sink into the victimhood. But there's always more, and sometimes
(01:55):
that wrong turn is leading us to the right place.
We should always consider, all right, there's something more going
on here. This feels like this, and this looks like this,
and I'm calling it this, that or the other thing.
But the truth is some part of me has called
(02:16):
this in so that I can heal or grow or
stretch or evolve always, and it's not always easy to
recognize that the right road can take the wrong turn,
and the wrong turn can lead us to the right place,
(02:37):
which is always for our highest good. That's my first
caller story today. The right road took a wrong turn,
but it's led her to the R Spot. Take a listen.
(02:58):
Good morning, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. And
how can I support you today and moving through whatever
relationship issue, challenge, dilemma you are facing.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I'll just start with I've been married for how about
we've been together twenty years and I had a business
and I moved to another state to be with my parents.
I had to close it because I had an injury
and I met my husband. He wasn't working. I was
working with two jobs at that time, but we started
(03:31):
a relationship, and his family didn't approve of me. They
didn't like me. They never have, and they made comments
about me, you know, while I'm right there and just
it's always been very disrespectful. I've always felt disrespected. Now
we have children, and I moved back home. He came
(03:51):
with me, and I've stopped visiting over there because I've
been trying to tell him for years to speak up
for me, to support me, and he feels like, I
think it's if he says anything, they won't speak to
him anymore, or yeah, it's just that's just how it's been.
(04:12):
And I every time his mother will go around around me.
We've never had a relationship, so she will go through
him to get what she needs. Or if she wants
to send something here, she'll she'll send it without I
won't even know about it. My husband will just send it,
and I feel like it's sending her the wrong message
(04:32):
because he's never really dealt with the issue with his family,
and I kind of feel like this is coming from
I have a hard time dealing with this kind of
stuff because I've I was adopted. My mother was not
very she was not very affectionate towards me.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Take a breath, Take a breath, I was. I just
tell him, wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute,
don't rush yourself. Let all of that come up. Let
it come up. We don't have nothing else to do
right now. What is that? Just take a minute and
(05:17):
ask yourself. What am I feeling right now? What is this?
What is it?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
It's the near abandon.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yeah, abandoned. Take a breath, don't rush yourself. Where are
you feeling that in your body?
Speaker 2 (05:38):
In my chest? That always feeling in my chest.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
Okay, So sit right there for a moment, focus your
attention and your energy on your chest so that you
can take care of yourself the way maybe nobody else
ever has. And when you focus in on your chest,
what does it feel like? What else do you feel?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
I feel like it's been released, it's going away, the tightenment.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Okay, good, So sit right there for a moment, as
the grandmothers would say, let's tarry there for a minute.
Can you do that?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Do that? Good? Check and see what else does it feel?
What does it feel like? Or what are you thinking?
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Ah like? Scared almost a bit?
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Okay? Good, Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. That's okay. Let
that come up because I'm seeing or sensing or feeling
and there's a part of you that never felt safe
enough to cry. Yeah, yeah, because if you cried, what
(07:08):
would happen? What would happen if you cried?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
I'm trying to remember. Just stop crying?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Is that what they said? Stop that crying?
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Yeah, stop the crying?
Speaker 1 (07:30):
And then what did they say? Stop that crying?
Speaker 2 (07:35):
And then you're in the other room. Keep your mouth shut? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yeah, yeah, come on, breathe, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Respect me. I don't need to respect you. I mean
you respect me.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah, come on, breathe. You're doing good. Come on, you're
doing good. We just moving that energy out. We're just
moving it out and I'm gonna sit right here with
you until it's gone. Okay, you don't have to do
it by yourself this time. This time, you're not alone. Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Okay, it's scared and it's angry.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Yeah, yeah, good. Let's go to the anger for a minute.
It's not gonna hurt you. It's not gonna hurt you.
Let's go to the anger, and I want you to
let the anger use your mouth. Okay, what does the
anger want to say?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Why are you trying to turn like kids against me.
Why are you yea, why are you feeling them with
Why are you talking bad about me to my children?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Why are you hurting me? Yeah? Why are you doing
this to me?
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah, breathe? How about this one? I want my mommy.
I just want my mommy. Breathe, come on, ok yeah
yeah yeah, right there, Yeah, yeah, that's it. Just let
(09:30):
her weep, baby, It's okay, you're not alone this time. Yeah, yes,
it's okay, it's okay. Yeah. Yeah, Just let all of
that come up, all of that come up, because that's
(09:54):
what gets triggered every time you encounter your mother in law,
every time she's me to you, every time she doesn't
hear you, every time she doesn't acknowledge you, when she
doesn't empathize with you. There's a part of you saying,
I just want my mommy.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah yeah, nobody to run to that I could.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Go to, yeah, somebody, yeah, somebody that'll hear you, somebody
that will love you. But because you're holding all of
this old old energy of hurt and sadness and grief
(10:46):
and anger, you're just recreating everything that you lived, and
your mother in law's just playing a role in your movie. Yeah,
doesn't make her right, doesn't make her wrong. But I
want you to understand that the deeper you can go
to release this energy, the easier it'll be to deal
(11:08):
with her. Does that make sense to you, Yes, it does, yeah, yeah,
because she's not empathizing with you, she's not treating you well,
you're recreating and reliving not in your mind, but in
your energy, all of those things. And you're alone because
(11:30):
your husband, dealing with his mother, abandons you.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Yes, yeah, which doesn't choose a side or he doesn't
want to have said to his mother.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
He doesn't choose you, that's the bottom line. He doesn't
choose you, which then recreates the abandonment by your birth
mother and the neglect by your adopted mother.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Yeah. And then unfortunately, the children, your children become collateral
damage in this war, this discord between you and their grandmother.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah. And I heard you say when we started, when
you start speaking, things get all jumbled up in your mind.
And that's because you've swallowed so many words from when
you were a young girl what you couldn't say, So
you still have all of that residue gathered up in
(12:57):
your brain. Yes, yeah, take a break.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I've been going to therapy and working with a therapist
and trying to get better at articulating that I have
to say I can, I can heal. I've been listening
to for a couple of years too. That's really helped me.
I take you everywhere I go from it my heart
(13:24):
right here. That's study. My heart has been having issues
abound heart medicine. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
It's because your heart is broken. Yeah, your heart is broken.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
And I am so happy to hear that you've got
some outside intervention, that you're getting some healing work.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
I mean some you know work, but you need deep,
deep healing to.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Work in that.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah. And and sometimes in addition to therapy, you also
want to do some energy healing work. Because I can
feel the energy in your heart. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I've been having to pray. I would be going to
church and the voluntary over there, and I've had them
praying over my heart and the holy hands of my heart.
And I go in for prayer a lot. And I
love on my kids a lot. I make sure that
I'm giving them exactly what I didn't have, so they
probably get tired of all my husbands love.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
But I know children never get tired of that.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Yeah, everything that I didn't get, I make sure that
they're getting everything.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
But I don't want you to give it to them
because you didn't get it, because that doesn't work. I
want you to give it to them because you want
them to have it. Yes, we often make that mistakes
as parents to give our children what we didn't have,
which strips the gift of its integrity. We're not giving
(15:06):
it to them from a place of open heartedness, We're
giving it to them from a place of woundedness. Okay,
So don't give them what you didn't have, give them
what you have for them. It's a slight difference, but
it's very important.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So let's deal with what you called about, which was
your mother in law. Okay, Yeah, we'll talk more about
it when we come back. Welcome back to the r spot.
Let's pick up where we left off. She is what
(15:48):
I would call a catalyst for your healing. She is
simply triggering and bringing up the broken, wounded places so
that you know what needs to be healed. And you
are recreating or reliving the early childhood experiences. And while
(16:13):
it's hard and it's difficult, it's also brought you to
the awareness of what needs to be healed. Right, She's
really not out to get you. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
I've talked about it. Is there as you that since
my husband's not he hasn't shown that he can support
me yet, so I've cut off going with him on
trips to go through his family. They just had a
funeral recently, his grandmother, and I got along with her
so good. She was so so nice to me, And
(16:48):
but I didn't go because I don't want to be
around that. I just I just feel triggered.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I guess very good. Good. Wait a minute, wait a minute,
good for you. Do you know what you really did?
You took care of yourself. Yes, not because you were triggered.
Let's let's raise it up. You took care of yourself.
Good for you. Yeah, there is no reason on God's
(17:16):
green earth that you have to subject yourself to abuse.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
No, and my children didn't want to go. They didn't
want to go either because they and they heard overheard
a conversation with him and his mother. And my husband
thinks that the kids don't hear everything, and so they
know and hear everything else since since they were able
to hear with their ears, they see and hear everything,
and you know, they they want to stay with mom,
(17:43):
and I just feel better and he can go see
his mom and I'll stay here and I'll wait for him,
and when he's ready to go into therapy with me,
then we'll go. Then we could start working on that
then until I see that. I actually haven't even been
intimate with him for a couple of years, so we're
kind of just co parentinge. And he still comes and
gives me a kiss on the cheek when he leaves
(18:04):
to work, and like, oh, okay, for he's fine with it.
He just wants to keep his mother happy. Right now,
I guess.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
First of all, I want to bring something to your awareness. Okay,
when you called, your voice was low and your words
were muddled. Do you just hear how you spoke out loud?
Just now?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Yes, that's what happens when you move energy and when
you take care of yourself. And since he is not capable, willing, ready, able,
whatever you want to call it, to take care of you,
you have to take care of yourself and you that's
what you did when you said, I'm not going to
(18:50):
the funeral to subject myself to violation, abuse, dishonor and
disrespect by your family. I'm not doing it. Good for you?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Not doing it a no more? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Good?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
It made me serve That's why I finally had to
get to the bottom of it.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yes, good for you. Did you celebrate yourself for that?
I'm telling you that deserves a new pair of shoes
or new pair of panties.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Do I go out on my own into my own thing?
And good? I'm just trying to I am being truthful
with myself and trying to take care of yourself. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Maybe that's something that your adopted mother didn't do. But
what I want you to do, because this is your husband,
is when you're ready. You don't have to do it today, tomorrow,
next week. I want you to sit with what we've
talked about, and when you're ready, I want you to
tell him the truth and explain it to him. One
(19:52):
of the reasons I stop being intimate with you is
because you abandoned me in the face of your mother's mistreatment,
and I cannot allow you into my sacred space. I
cannot be intimate with you when you don't see me,
you don't empathize with me, and you don't protect me.
(20:13):
Because Your responsibility is your as my husband, is to
provide for me and to protect me. You're not doing
your job as a husband. I can no longer do
that part of my job as your wife. Let him
know because since you are the one on the healing
line right now, that's what we call when you're going
through something like this. As his wife, you want to
(20:36):
encourage him to heal. So let him know. You can't
worship in my temple if you don't. If you keep
abandoning me, why would I share myself with you when
you have abandoned me. You need to work on that, sir.
But help him understand. Help him understand, not just that
(20:57):
you're withholding sex, you're taking care of yourself because he didn't.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
So here's here's the deal. First of all, good for you.
Oh my god, I how do you feel right now?
How does it feel?
Speaker 2 (21:12):
I feel so good. I'm gonna make me a good
prefaces and wants to do.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Good. Just watch Mindless TV.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Thank you. I have to share with you that I've
I've been pretending that you're my mom talking when I
listened to you all the shows that I feel okay,
I can relate to everybody that you talk to It's
like something in there for me. I feel every time
I hear you. So that's right. But I'm so glad
that you I got to do it more deeper.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah. Yeah, And and I can be your mom because
very often when when the family we have doesn't work,
we have to pick another one. Right, So all you
did was just pick another mother. We're gonna find you
another father and sister. And that's fine. You know whoever
that is for you? You know you do that. If
(22:06):
you were to go away for a weekend, do you
have someone for the children to stay with? What they
stay with? Your husband?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Yeah, you have to take time off, you would stay
with him.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
This is what I'm gonna do for you. I'm going
to give you a scholarship to my Rights of Passage
Program for Women.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Oh yeah, no, it's.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
A nine week program. It's a nine week program. You're
gonna work online for nine weeks and then in August
you're gonna come to Boone, North Carolina. So start saving
your money and you're going to go through a healing
process with other women, and I'm going to give you
(22:46):
a scholarship to that process. The online program starts in
June because part of what you're going through is you
just miss so much teaching as a woman. But based
on what you're saying to me, I hear it coming
through your intuition. You're doing the right things and the
(23:07):
right way. You're learning how to take a stand for
yourself and stand up for yourself, and I just want
to celebrate that with you. Thank you, great, great work,
great great work today. Okay, and just imagine, if it
wasn't for your mother in law, you would have never
called me. Yeah, thank you mother in law.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Okay, love you, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Love you back. Great great work. Keep that voice strong. Okay,
you're sounding real strong right now.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Okay, good for her. Did you hear the change in
her voice?
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Made sick. In life, we have relationships with people that
intersect with other people, and so very often we don't
know how to keep those relationships separate, and we don't
know how to build those relationships independently. So, you have
(24:18):
a sister and your sister has a husband. You have
a relationship with your sister as your sister. You have
a relationship with your sister as another woman. You also
have a relationship with your brother in law. As your
brother in law and a relationship with your brother in
law as a man. So that means you have four
different relationships. And we have to learn how to have
(24:43):
boundaries and clarity about the intersecting relationships that we have
in our life, because if we don't, the boundaries get
blurred and the responsibilities are abandoned, and it just becomes
a hot mess. And I always say, first, deal with
(25:05):
people on the common ground, deal with your sister as
another woman and your brother in law as a man,
and then deal with your sister as a married woman
and your brother in law as your brother in law,
because each of those relationships has different needs and different
(25:27):
boundaries and different requirements. And when we don't do that,
it just becomes a hot mess. And that's what my
next caller is facing. She is in the midst of
a hot mess. But there's a way out. Take a listen.
Good morning, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. What
(25:50):
is your relationship challenge, issued dilemma, problem, circumstance situationship that
we can nibble on together today.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
Over protective mother in law?
Speaker 1 (26:07):
I know, what does that mean? Who is mama in law?
Over protecting.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Her fun?
Speaker 3 (26:15):
Her fun and I just don't know what to do
at this point. Yeah, you don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Alrighty, So tell me more. How long have you been married?
What is the experience?
Speaker 3 (26:32):
So me and the guy had been talking for three years.
He proposed the second year, and it seems like since then,
she's just been just finding nitpicking with me or finding
little things. She'll call him all throughout.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
The day.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Saying I need you to do this, or go here
or do that, just finding little things to just get
at me about, texting me throughout the day, asking me
stuff like it's a lot like.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Did my son eat today?
Speaker 3 (27:10):
What didn't my son eat?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
And I'm like, oh lord, And what does he say
about it?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
I talked to him before about it. He basically just
keeps saying, you're in a relationship with me, not my mother.
Just trying to block her out, And I do like
I I tried to block her out. I was going
to block her on my phone and stuff. And I'm like, well,
I don't want to be rude or disrespectful and I
don't want to say anything out of line to her,
(27:37):
but it's just getting to that point where she's just
like everything, my son, my son, this my son that,
And I'm like, I know who your son is. You
don't have to keep, you know, reminding me.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
So why do you think this is going on? What
do you tell yourself about this?
Speaker 2 (27:59):
I just don't know.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Maybe she doesn't want me to be his wife. Yeah,
I I really don't know, because in the beginning she
was she was very nice, very nice to me. Would
invite me into her home. I haven't. She doesn't even
invite me into her home anymore.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
What does that mean into her home? What does that you?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Yeah, he'll go without me or if he has me
to drop something off to her during the day or
something like that. If he can't do it, he'll meet
me at the door. And you know, that's it. That's it.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Have you ever asked her, are you going to invite
me in?
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Well? I have asked her what is the issue? And
she has said, whatever we have going on me and you,
you don't have to involve my son. He doesn't need
to know about it. And I told her, I said,
I don't have anything going on with you, Like I
don't have any issues with you. I don't know what
(29:02):
you mean.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
By that, Is that true? I don't have any issues
with you? Is that true.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Well, I didn't have any issues with her up until now.
So my issue is trying to figure out I'm trying
to figure out what is your issue with me?
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Why do you think it's the issue is with you?
Why can't it just be her issue?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Well, yeah, I think it's because he didn't grow up
with his mom, and I feel like she's trying to
like make up for lost time for her not being
there in his life. And now it's just like it's
it's just becoming too much. It's like check her or
say something to her, like just becoming too much on
(29:47):
our relationship. It's like either say something to her or
then I'm going to have to say something. And I
don't want to have to say something because I know
that I know how I get, know how I get,
and I don't want to come on. I don't want
to be rue or disrespectful to his mother.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Okay, what makes you think it's rude or disrespectful to
ask for what you need or want.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
Oh it's okay, it's not.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Well, she's not your mother in law. Y'all are not
married yet.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Is that right?
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Do you have any issues around getting married being married.
Have you been married before?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
No?
Speaker 3 (30:28):
I haven't. This would be the first time. It's a
lot of side talk instead of him being able to
talk out freely and her being able to talk freely
when I'm around. I feel like, you know, they could
be possibly talking. He could be talking negative negatively about me,
and he just probably doesn't bring it to me, so
(30:51):
I won't, you know, stress or worry about it. But yeah,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Could they be talking positively about you?
Speaker 3 (31:02):
That I can't really say, because how I don't see
a person talking positive about me and then turning around
when he's not around and just being nasty.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Well, let's see if we can just break this down
a little bit. We'll talk about that right after this break.
Welcome back. I am yan learning this is the r
spot first of all, your beloved relationship. His mother is
(31:39):
mothering a child, not an adult. So somehow in the mix,
she has missed the boat in terms of understanding he's
not a child, he's an adult, So she hasn't learned
how to mother an adult. That don't have nothing to
do with you. You're just getting caught up in mix.
(32:01):
She's mothering a child as opposed to mothering an adult,
and it is his responsibility to let her know, Hey, mom, mama, mommy,
whatever he calls her. I suspect he calls about her
first name. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
No, they.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Nicknames for each other, Okay, but.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
That's his responsibility to let her know. Wait a minute,
I'm a man. I don't need you checking on my laundry,
my food, my shoes, my nose, my we wei. I
don't need you checking on that. I'm a grown man,
and you are my mother. I love and respect you,
(32:45):
but there are places in my life that you are
no longer it's no longer appropriate for you to be
in and calling my beloved to find out if I've
eaten is one of those areas. So that's one thing.
You've got a mother parenting as though the adult is
still a child. Again, that doesn't have anything to do
(33:07):
with you. Then you have a mother who consciously or
unconsciously sees you as the other woman. So that says
to me that somehow, in some way, she has made
her son your beloved, her emotional husband. Mothers do it
(33:31):
all the time. She's looking for some sort of fulfillment
or care or attachment to him emotionally as though he
were her husband, not as though he were her son. Again,
that has nothing to do with you. It is incumbent
(33:53):
upon him to create the boundaries. Does that make sense
to you? Yes, So she sees you as an other
woman and she's vying with you for his affections. That's
a problem. But for you, you're dealing with an elder woman,
(34:19):
b a woman who matters to your beloved. So you
have to deal with her first woman to woman, junior
to elder, and second as another woman in your beloved's life.
And that's your stuff. That's your stuff, and it may
(34:44):
not seem like it's important, But the fact that you
haven't talked to your mother about this to get some
wisdom and insight about this says to me that there's
something going on with you. Yeah, yeah, you think.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
So.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Mother in law has really come to okay, So what
is that? What is going on with you?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
I don't know, I don't know. I remember just the
other day I was telling him about how I wanted
to start going to like counseling and stuff like that
individually and then together, and that was like an argument
(35:34):
because it kind of was like, well, what is it
that you need to talk to a stranger about that
you can't talk to me about, and I told him,
you know, I just want to make sure that I
am prepared for marriage. I want to make sure that
I am the best version of myself. And I never,
(35:58):
you know, really thought about going to therapy or anything
like that until like a couple months ago, two, a
couple months ago.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
So it doesn't have to be anything wrong. It may
be that you need an objective third party to support
you in growing, healing, stretching into this new role of
being a wife, eventually being a mother, eventually being a
daughter in law. When you've got a difficult situation with
(36:30):
your mother in law m mm hmm, because your relationship
with her is going to mirror your relationship with your mother.
And just as you said, you haven't spoken to your
mother about this situation with your future mother in law,
and so that means there are things that you haven't
(36:51):
said to her. There are things that you haven't said
to your mother in law that you need to say,
not in a disrespectful way, not in an angry way.
But if you withhold, you withhold, I would want to know,
are you going to invite me in? Okay? I just
(37:13):
need you to understand that it hurts my feelings when
I come to your house knowing how much you mean
to Boo Boo, I don't know what his name is,
and you leave me on the doorstep like a stranger.
What are we going to do when we have children.
I want them to be in good relationship with you,
(37:34):
but they can't be in good relationship with you if
you're not in good relationship with me. So I want
to fix this. How does it make you feel when
she doesn't invite you into her home? And why are
you running errands? Why can't he take it to.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Her if he's at work, she.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Waits and you have to let him know. When I
go to your mother's house, she doesn't even have the
decency to invite me in for a glass of water.
I'm not running your errands anymore. If she doesn't know
how to treat me, then it's incumbent upon you to
train her or you run the errands. I'm not doing it.
You got to take care of yourself. This is an
(38:20):
elder woman and she's out of order, and you're not
telling her how the way she treats you makes you feel.
Why not?
Speaker 3 (38:29):
I know the first time I didn't say anything because
she came to the door like she was on the phone,
So I'm just like, okay, well you're on the phone.
But even then, it's been a few times when I've
been over there and you know someone has called or
something like that, and you know, you still let me in.
So that's why I was just like, well, if you
don't want to let me in, then it's no need
for me to continue to keep coming to your home.
(38:50):
And I'm not going to beg to come into a
home that I'm not welcome in.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
I want you to make some clear distinctions here. First,
junior woman, younger woman to elder woman, and she may
not know how to be in relationship with you in
that way, so you may have to teach her. And
(39:17):
then as the other woman in your beloved's heart, you
want to know that he has room for both of you.
You're not trying to take her place, you're not trying
to replace her, and that she is important to him,
which makes her important to you. You've got to establish
(39:39):
that with her, woman to woman, junior to elder, daughter
to mother. That's your work, that's not his work. His
work is to create some boundaries with her and to
remind her he's a man, he's not a child. His
(40:01):
work is to remind her that you are important to him,
and she is important to him, and both of y'all
have to live together in his heart.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
But as a woman, you can also have a relationship
with her that's separate and apart from his relationship with her.
But you have to create that. Right now, you're just
dealing with her as though she's his mother, and you're
not dealing with her a woman to woman. Does that
(40:36):
make sense to you?
Speaker 2 (40:38):
It does?
Speaker 1 (40:42):
So what is it that you need to say to
her that you haven't said that?
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I don't know, because I have told him, but I
haven't told her that. I'm not trying to take her
spot again. I don't know if I need to tell
her life. I'm not. You know, I know that you
weren't in his life in the beginning.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
It's none of your business. That's none of your business.
Stay out of that. Stay out of that. That is
pillow talk between you and him. That's his sacred information.
You don't reveal that to her, You don't use that
against her. You don't even reveal to her that he
told you that, because that is his relationship with her.
(41:26):
You have to establish your relationship with her and to
share with her how it makes you feel, Not that
what she's doing is wrong or she shouldn't do it,
but how it makes you feel when she does these things.
How does it make you feel when she doesn't let
you in the house. How does it make you feel
(41:48):
when she calls you checking on your son? Create that boundary,
Say mo, miss Williams, it doesn't feel good to me
that you're calling and checking on your son, calling me
checking on your son. He's a grown man and I'm
not his mother. You are. So if he doesn't eat,
(42:10):
that ain't on me, that's on you. That's on him.
Why are you asking me that? Ask him? Why are
you asking me that? I'm just curious, why are you
asking me that?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Right?
Speaker 1 (42:22):
So, this is about you using your voice and creating
boundaries and establishing relationships that value the other person but
also honor you, Okay, And don't do it from a
place of anger and victimhood. Create the boundary because the
(42:44):
same way you are the other woman in his life,
she's the other woman.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I see.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
You know, I have a relationship with my daughter in
law that's separate in the part from my relationship with
my son. She's a junior woman to me, and I
have made sure I'll call her, invite her places. I
don't even tell him about it. Why because it's not
about him, it's about my relationship with her. He bought
(43:17):
her a coffee maker for Christmas. I was like, what
in the blazon of Jesus a coffee maker? I don't understand.
I didn't even know that she drank coffee. I didn't.
I didn't know. But when I saw what he bought
(43:39):
her for Christmas, and he bought it over here and
asked me to wrap it up for it, I ran
around my house and found every little intimate thing I
could find and wrapped it up. And when she came
to get her gifts the next day, she had perfume,
and she had a this and a that, And I
(44:00):
ain't nothing to him or to her. I didn't say
anything to him or to her, and she was happy
about the coffee maker, but she was even more excited
about the perfume that I found in my closet that
I hadn't opened and gave to her in his name.
(44:20):
What in the world a coffee maker? You need to
go somewhere and left the price tag on it too,
because as a woman, I knew how it would felt
feel for me if my husband gave me a coffee
maker for Christmas. So, woman to woman, I wanted her
(44:41):
to feel better. And then I'm like, Okay, he has
lost his good mind. That's all he brings in his
wife on Christmas? Yeah, what is wrong with him? But
I wasn't gonna beat him up, so I dealt with
it as a woman how I wanted her as a
woman to feel, not as a mother in law. You understand.
(45:04):
So that's why I'm saying to you, establish a relationship
with her woman to woman, and then create boundaries for
her as your mother in law. You better put your
big girl panties on. You're gonna be navigating this for
the rest of your life. Invite them to lunch. I
(45:28):
don't mean no harm, miss Williams, but it don't feel
good to me that you're calling me asking me if
booboo ate. That's a question you have to ask him.
So if you want to know something about him, please
call him. I want us to talk about us. I
don't want us to talk about don't you know? And
if she'll do it again, you say, Miss Williams, Mama Williams,
(45:51):
whatever you want to call her. I've asked you not
to text me or call me asking me about him.
That's something you got to ask. That's about you and him,
That's not about me and you.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
Okay, thank you, sir, Thank you for calling.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
Let me know how the lunch goes. Okay, bye bye.
All relationships require boundaries, and there are three levels of
boundaries that we must think about. First of all, the
(46:29):
boundary for yourself within yourself. I don't care who the
relationship is with. You have a right to create a
boundary for yourself between yourself and the other person. And
then you have a right to request and honor the
boundaries that the other people said between themselves. Boundaries, they're
(46:55):
so important. And the final boundary that we always forget
to set is the boundary that keeps us safe and
the boundary that honors everybody in a way that honors
everyone's highest and greatest good. Because until we have clear,
(47:18):
well established, honored and respected boundaries, our relationships will bleed
into each other in inappropriate ways. Now, you can't set
the boundaries that people have between themselves. But if your
boundaries are clear, you do have the right to request
(47:38):
and require that they honor your boundaries. I hope this
has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me
on social media for all of the calling times, and
(48:00):
until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
(48:20):
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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