October 9, 2024 • 29 mins
In this episode of the R Spot, Iyanla gives her listeners relationship advice live on Instagram. From being too honest to teaching others how to show up for their partner, Iynala has the ingredients for the perfect relationship soup.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I am Yambla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep hearting, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the r Side, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeart. Grand Day, Grand Day, Grand Day. How are
(00:50):
you out there? Welcome to the special edition of The
art Spot. The art Spot the place that we come
to discuss relationships and investigate our relationship stories and our
investigate our relationship experiences. We are here live on the
(01:10):
art Spot today and I'm going to take your questions.
I'm going to take your comments. I'm going to even
invite you to be a guest. If you want to
come up on the screen and talk to me, all
you have to do is put it in the request
and I'll see you and I'll bring you up. I
want to talk about relationships today because it's coming up.
(01:32):
You know, we're coming into the holiday season where coming
out of the summer, we'll be home again, we'll be
quiet again and relationships are just so challenging for us,
and with all of the hooplah and conflomeration that's going
on out there in the world, with the election and
with everything that's going on, I want to make sure.
(01:56):
I want to make sure that we have the skills
and the tools and the information that we need to
make our relationships better. Our relationship with ourself, our relationship
with other people. How about our relationship with money. How
about your relationship with your body? How about that? We
(02:16):
are talking about all kinds of relationships. We're looking out
in the world and we're seeing these relationships, you know.
And somebody said something to me the other day that
was very interesting. They said, the relationship between the two
candidates that are running to be president of the United
States reflects the relationships between men and women. I never
(02:40):
even thought about that. We got a man running, we
got a woman running, and there's all of this against
this and competition. So that is what we are talking about.
If you've got a question for me, I want you
to put it in the chat, and if you want
to come up on the screen and ask me a question,
you can do that. What do you recommend I am
(03:02):
ready to start dating again, but have been off the
scene for five years. I suggest that you try to
have fun. Don't go out dating looking for a permanent relationship.
How about you have playdates? Do you know how to
have a playdate? Do you just know how to go
out and have some fun and be with somebody? So
(03:23):
do that look good? Smell good? You know, it's like
you're going to a buffet. All right, Taste a little
bit of this, Taste a little bit of that, have
a little bit, just have some fun. So very often
we go out with so much seriousness in mind that
we're not even fully present to the possibilities that are
(03:43):
there for us. Go on and have some fun, have playdates.
Just make sure you have birth control. Okay? Where else
am I going here?
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So?
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Where are you and your relationships? What do you want
to know about relationships? What are you thinking about relationships with?
Relationships in your life are growing and thriving? And which
relationships in your life are in breakdown? And how do
you heal a breakdown? Listen? I have a thought that
I want to share with you. Okay, you know, in
(04:15):
our relationships what happens is we say we want someone
that compliments us, and we usually pick someone that's very
different than us, because opposite it's a track, right, opposite
it's a track. So we attract someone who's opposite us,
and we like everything about them, but because they're opposite
from us, they're all so different. And when we see
(04:37):
what's different about them than we want to change. We
want them to change, to be more like us, to
think like us, to want what we want, to do
what we do. And if they don't, then we make
up that they don't love us. How about that opposite's
a track? How are you when you see something different
(04:58):
than you, the opposite of what you are? Are you accepting?
Are you tolerant? Or do you want to change it
to keep yourself comfortable? That's the question we got here
on the floor. Let me see what other questions that
I have Tomorrow. Tomorrow eight wants to know. How can
we be more open to receive love? This is how
we can be more open to receive love. Learn to
(05:21):
love yourself. Learn to love yourself. You gotta learn to
love your bumps and your warts and your brilliance. You know.
One of the reasons we can always find what's wrong
with us, right, we can always find what's wrong with us.
We're always picking on ourselves, picking our scabs and picking
this and we didn't do this right, and that happened
(05:42):
and this went bad. But we don't know how to
stand fully in our greatness, in our power, stand in
your power, and learn to love yourself being powerful. Somebody said,
I want to be soft and pink. No, no, no,
why not be bold and blue and green? How about that? Yes?
(06:02):
How about be royal and rich. You don't have to
be soft and pink if you're a woman, nor do
you have to be base and black if you're a man.
You can stand in your truth and your power and
your glory and love yourself because you've got to know
how that feels. You have to know what that is.
And if you can't do it to yourself, you will
(06:24):
misread and misjudge other people loving you. How do you
open yourself to love? Spend more time with you, Spend
more time with you, get to really know you. Learn
how to stand in your strength in your weakness. Learn
how to stand in your knowing and you're not knowing.
(06:45):
Learn how to forgive yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Everything is
about forgiveness. Right now, we head an out of this
eight year into a nine year out of twenty twenty
four into twenty twenty five. And I'm telling you you
do not want to carry resentment, bitterness, regret, remorse, sorrow, sadness,
(07:05):
and grief. You don't want to take that into twenty
twenty five. Hear me what I'm telling you? Okay, you
do not, and we'll talk about that when we come back.
I'm trying to accept people onto the stage. I'm trying
to accept you, lamont to look for your thingy hoosy.
(07:27):
Oh there you are?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Hi?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
How are you? I'm good? How you doing?
Speaker 4 (07:35):
I'm doing awesome. I love the classes. I'm happy you
accepted me. Now what are you doing home in the
middle of the day. So I'm a dating coach?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
So I'm home doing coaching all the time, virtually.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
What the heck you mean? I'm doing the arts but
live and my first guest is a dating coach. Ain't
God great? Ain't God great?
Speaker 4 (07:57):
So the universe is connected? Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1 (08:01):
So what are some tips that you, as a dating
coach would give people to that wonderful question? How can
we be more open to receive love? What would you say, coach?
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Well, definitely, I think people sometimes don't want to put
effort into it, Like we expect the other person to
do all the work, to love, to court, to you know, forgive.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
But it's like, hey, how am I showing up? How
am I.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Making my partner feel safe, feel love, feel romantic? You know,
I think people forget about the effort that we have
to put into the relationship as well.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
But now let me ask you, mister dating coach Lamont,
because you know, maybe because I'm old, I'm og, but
relationships are not just about romance and fun and feeling good.
I when I talk to people about relationships, I say,
what are your creating together that's gonna benefit the world?
(09:02):
What do you create? I don't care if it's a family,
a book, a store. How about just being kind? How
about being demonstrations of kindness and forgiveness? What are you
creating together? Because you you know what? At my age,
I can only take but twelve and a half minutes
of romance?
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Right? I look, I totally agree.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
I agree people focus sometimes in the wrong thing, But
I think if you both are connected to your purpose
and your mission.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
And life, yes, that connects you all.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
That allows you all to be able to support each
other even if your purpose and your missions are totally
different in life, ye, right, like one one could be
like in real estate, other could be like in counseling.
But you still can show up for each other and
support each other right there.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Right there, right there. Wait a minute, day, didn't Coach
Lamont dating Coach Lamont talk to me about how do
you show up for your partner? Let's break that down
into bite sized pieces right here on the art Spoint.
This is a special edition of the art Spine the
arm Spot Live. I'm on the street. How do you
(10:13):
show up for your partner? Let's talk about what that is.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Yeah, well, I think you both have to figure out
what are your skill sets. So if you're good at finance,
if you're good at like connecting the family, Like my
brother is the one that calls everybody in the family
every week. He keeps the aunts, the uncles, everybody connected.
So if that's what your strength is, that's what you say.
Speaker 4 (10:37):
Hey, babe, I got this.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
I'm gonna take care of the finances for us. I'm
gonna do this Excel spreadsheet. I'm gonna make sure our
bills are paid. But I need you to make sure.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
You call my mom. So we don't, so.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
We can go to dinner, right, Yeah, and you have
to you have to make sure it's not a pissing contest.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Oh wait a minute, hold on, let's talk about a
pissing contest.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Like, you can't be intimidated by the strengths of your partners.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
Okay, good. You have to like support them, let them, like,
let them.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Show up what their strengths are, and you know, give
them space to do that. You know, I think, particularly
for men, men like to a key.
Speaker 4 (11:20):
We like to conquer.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So giving men tasks so that they can show that
they're achieving something will make him stay with you and
connect it with you for life.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
You know.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
The other way, I think that we can show up
for our partners. And this is hard to learn the
distinction between listening and hearing, to learn how to listen
to your partner without having to have a response, and
to learn how to hear your partner without taking everything personally. See,
(11:55):
we listen with our ears to the sound that's coming in,
but so very young, and I think partners listen trying
to formulate a response.
Speaker 4 (12:05):
Amen. Amen. I struggled with that with my husband.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
You'll say something and I'll say well, what did you.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
Mean to say? Like, I know you said this, but
what did you really mean to say? Or what are
you like? What what's the meaning behind that?
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Because my stuff will get in the way and he
might say a word that triggers me and I'm like,
wait a minute, Lamar, wait a minute, that's your stuff,
asking what he really meant so that I can listen.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Right, Okay, okay, So now mister dating Coast Lamont, the
guru of relationship, they gonna do a little coaching right here. Okay,
here's a here's another possibility. When he says something and
you get triggered, repeat back to him, and this is
for everybody. Let me tell you what I'm hearing you say. Yes,
(12:57):
what I'm hearing you say is and if you get
it twisted, they'll say, no, no, that's not what I said.
But if you're honest in that moment and share what
you're hearing as opposed to what he said or she said,
this is for everybody, then that gives them an opportunity
to clean it up. But that takes patience, and you
(13:17):
use the very important word trigger because once we get triggered,
now our hair is on fire and we're going in
for the jugular and.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Then you can't hear anything else.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Now you're vulnerable in your feelings, and I will tell
you you know, it takes time to be able to
practice that muscle.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
And it's okay to say, you know what, I may
mess up.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Sometimes I might need to walk around the block and
come back and have the conversation again. But it takes
a level of self reflection and vulnerability to be able.
Speaker 4 (13:52):
To say that's my stuffy right.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
Yeah, let me say this, Coach Lamont, I am so
glad you're here. But listen, let's talk about forgiveness and relationships,
because I'm on this forgiveness kid. I'm a ride this
forgiveness horse until the end of the year because so
very often in relationships, we make mistakes, we make missteps,
(14:17):
we do you know. And I'm not talking about tragic
you know, beat you and hit you in your head,
shoot you, pull a gun on you, and that kind
of stuff. I'm talking about hurt your feelings, disappoint you.
Talk about for a moment. I'm gonna let you go
after this, talk about for a moment how important it
is for partners to learn how to forgive.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
Yeah, your partner's always going to disappoint you. I was
having a conversation with somebody last night. If you expect
that your partner's never gonna disappoint you in that relationship,
then you might as well just stay single or marry
a robot, because you know, we disappoint each other in relationships,
and it's really about how do you grow through disappointment?
Speaker 4 (14:58):
How do you forgive each other?
Speaker 3 (14:59):
And one things I've learned is that sometimes you have
to model what forgiveness looks like. So like, okay, the
mistake was there, let's talk about the mistake was how
did we what did we learn from that? What did
you want me to do in that situation? That could
have been differently? And then when I say forgive you
(15:23):
literally forgive you, heal that hurt and you move on, Yeah,
you move on. Forgiveness is about moving on and not
harping on it and bringing it back up six, eight,
twelve months later, because guess what, you really didn't forgive.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
Yes, you just put a candate on it. That's right.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
Thank you so much, Thank you for all you do.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Thank you Bye bye. Listen, Sandra, look how the universe
is my first guess on the show is a dating
coach and look at that and we'll talk about that
when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Okay,
(16:09):
let me go back over here, Camille Lee. I think
I've accepted your invitation, I mean your request. Look there
and see if you can come up with me. Good afternoon,
my beloved. How are you good? Do you have a mine?
Speaker 2 (16:24):
So? I'm fine?
Speaker 4 (16:26):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Good? Now you are you in the mall? Are you shopping?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Got?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Okay? Yeah? So you have a question you want to
bring to the floor.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yes I do. I'm thirty seven, if that matters. I've
been married for eight years now, and me and my
husband keep coming to this point where we're button heads
and he will get into conflict and I'll tell him
what my issue is with him.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
And he'll just I can't do anything right.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
I won't say anything. And the last time we got
into got into it, he said that he feels like
I hate our home. And I'm just like, where is
this coming from?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
I don't hate oh.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Say that guy?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
He told me that he feels like that I hate
our home and I was like no, I was like,
until I tell you that that's not true. And so
when I actually got him to sit down and talk
to me, it seemed like I.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
Hear him coming down.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
I don't really want to maker, but it seemed like
he was telling me that basically he doesn't feel safe
with telling me his concerns because he said every time
that he says something, he's punished for it. And yeah,
and he's like he's been feeling this way for ten years,
and he basically doesn't come to me with conflict or
(17:58):
issues because he feels like he'll go into I can't
do anything right. It's all my fault, you know. And
that's kind of where we get stuck. Nothing really gets resolved,
and we're just right there. And I told him I
wanted to sit down and I attempted to have a
clearing conversation and say, you know, I think we both
(18:18):
have assumptions about each other. What can we do? What
can I do? I don't hate our house. I'm an
entrepreneur photographer, so I like to leave my house and
go co work or go places that will inspire me.
And I was trying to explain that to him. He
was like, you must either hate the house or you
hate me. That makes more sense, and for him to
say that, I was like, what what do you mean?
Speaker 4 (18:38):
So we just keep.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Coming right here when it comes to communication and in
our relationship, and I just don't really know where to
go to help him feel comfortable talking to me or
telling me when he when he has issues with me.
It's always me being like, hey, babe, do you mind
doing this? Or do you mind doing this? But I
always do my best to say how can I support you?
(19:01):
What can I do to help you with xyz? And
we're just right there when it comes to communication.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Wow, there's a lot in there. There is a lot
in there at all.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yeah, so he is really communicating something to you. He
doesn't feel safe with you, No, he doesn't. Yeah, and
it may be because of his listening.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
You know.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
I say this all the time, and I hear people
stealing it and using it. Thank you God, men work
with the three p's. Provide, provide, perform, and please provide
for you. Perform for you. That means do the things
that are bring a smile to your face and please
(19:49):
you in the bed, out of the bed, around the house,
put the toilets he down, take the trash out, whatever
those are. The men's three p's. When they're not living
into their three peas, sometimes what gets triggered in them
is a level of inadequacy, and inadequacy in a man's
(20:11):
consciousness is kryptonite. And then what he'll do is what's normal.
Let me not say what he'll do. What's normal for
a man to do is project it outward. Something somebody's
doing makes them feel inadequate or unworthy or lack of value.
So that's him. A woman's place are the three a's. Affirm, appreciate,
(20:38):
and acknowledge. Affirm him. Yes, you know, I just love
the way you walk that trash to the corner. I
see your butt moving when you walk in that trash
to the corner. I just get so excited. You are
the best trash taker hout in the world. You are
the best toilet seat. Put it down, you know. Affirm him.
Men need to be affirmed from the heart of a woman.
(21:02):
Appreciate him. Thank you so much for the way you
rub my feet. Thank you so much for how you
clean your platelet. Thank you so appreciation. They need to appreciate,
and when we don't appreciate them, they come to the
feeling that nothing they do is right, nothing they do
is enough. And the other one is acknowledge. Acknowledge his greatness,
(21:24):
acknowledges his gifts, acknowledge his talents. And you don't have
to walk around like a robot saying it all the time,
but you do have to practice those three a's so
that he feels good about practicing his three p's. And
then if there's any one of those p's where he's weak,
like if you're the main provider and he's the you
(21:46):
know he makes less than you really got to affirm
thank you so much for how hard you work, and
you know, so it sounds to me a that he
needs more. First of all, I don't know where he
is in his pleate, in his piece. Okay, he.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Provides, he provides, He takes care of all the bills.
He is the main provider. I take care of like
the supplementary things. And he's even taken my car note
from me. He provides amazing. With that, he gets frustrated
because at the end of the month he feels like
he doesn't have anything to show, and he gets frustrated.
Speaker 4 (22:24):
He's like, I want to pay this off. I want
to pay this off.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
He was very aggressive and pound of our house, and
he looks at he gets frustrated by debt. He's like,
I need to pay this off, and it's always weighing
on him. So I try to be supportive. Have they
were so fortunate to have the house we got, And
you know.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Here's another possibility. Instead of you trying to be supportive,
A way to affirm him is to say, how can
I support you?
Speaker 4 (22:52):
I do?
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Okay, He'll say, as long as you're happy, just be happy.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
He'll never give me.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
He doesn't he but he gave it to you. He
don't feel safe with you. And there's a mistake I
think that women often make in relationships with men, and
here it is men want to know that their thoughts
are respected. So you know, we think different. Men think
(23:21):
in headlines. We think in fine print. So he may
have a headline thing and you'll say that don't even
make no damn sense. But no, no, no, no no,
you got to zip your lip, zip your lip, get
you a chip clip, put it on your lips, and
do not you know, because for us, we sense and
(23:44):
we feel they think and sometimes what they're thinking, if
we can't sense it or feel it, will dismiss it,
will diminish it. Okay. You gotta be real careful with that.
So here's what I'm gonna give you some and key
phrases that you can start to use. When he says
something that don't make no damn sense to you, say wow,
(24:07):
tell me more about that. Tell me more about that, okay.
And when he says he or you didn't do or
you should do it okay, or you make me feel whatever,
say okay, tell me how can I do it differently?
How can I do it differently and get from him
(24:28):
what he needs from you? And if you can do it,
say okay, help me work on that. If it's something
you can't do, be honest and say you know why.
I'm not sure I can do that, but I can
do this, okay, So tell me more about that. When
he gives you an idea that you know, step up
(24:50):
like this is not gonna be We've got to be
mindful because it's so easy for us to slip in
the mother ring and correction, which do I'm grown and
ask man says she don't respect my thinking. He wants
to know that his thinking is respected. You want to
know that your feelings matter, So I guarantee you that
(25:12):
somewhere along the line he doesn't honor, or affirm or
appreciate your feelings. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 4 (25:21):
I feel like he tries to.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
He may not know how to, so he might have
some stuff going on with him that don't have nothing
to do with you. Do you love this man, dear?
Are you committed to the relationship?
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
I am recommend counseling, he said, yes. Okay, Well, what
the hell are you calling me for a bye? What
the heck? I just spent seventeen minutes with you. Go
get you a counselor and get yourself together. Bye, But
(25:57):
work with those languages and remember you're a firm acknowledge appreciate. Okay,
a firm acknowledge appreciate. Okay, thank you, baby, thank you
for calling. That was really good. Go get you a counselor. Hey, okay,
I'm gonna try to see if I can get Ricky
(26:17):
in here. But don't forget now to you my listeners
out there. You know, ladies, you've got to remember we
can't always correct. That's when we slip into mothering. You know,
they say things and we want them to do it
this way or that way. We can always correct sometimes
(26:40):
we just have to let them be and it don't
make no sense. Clip your lips, Go get one of
them potato chip clips and put it on your mouth,
and don't say another thing. Let me see if I've
got another question over here? What can I do with
myself to attract a man that will love me correctly? Well?
I don't know what loving you correctly is? What does
(27:03):
that mean? And why do you have to do anything
to yourself? I don't know what does love you correctly mean?
Speaker 2 (27:11):
See?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
How about just listen? Listen? When you get out of
the bed in the morning, do you worry about gravity? No,
you just swing your legs over to the side of
the bed, put your feet down, put your feet down,
and you know gravity is gonna work. Did you know
that love is the same way? Love just is? It
(27:38):
is here, it is present. The challenge for us is
how do we just be in the love? How do
we just be there and experience moment by moment? You know,
we go on a date and already we're getting a
wedding invitations, or we meet somebody and we're looking at
(28:01):
their social psycho history. How can you just be in
the moment? How can you just be love is there.
It's all the way there. The question is how you
know if you've only got a little pin hole in
your heart because your mama hurts you, your daddy hurts you,
the first man left you the baby daddy don't pay
(28:23):
y'all support, the people on the job don't like you.
If you've only got a little pin hole in your heart,
how much love can you let in? And how much
love will you let out? That is the question. But
our time today is over, so thank you for tuning
in for the special edition of The R Spot Live.
(28:44):
Coming to you Live, You coming to me Live. I
think we may just do this again. Bye bye. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. More podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am Yambla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep hearting, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the r Side, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeart. Grand Day, Grand Day, Grand Day. How are
(00:50):
you out there? Welcome to the special edition of The
art Spot. The art Spot the place that we come
to discuss relationships and investigate our relationship stories and our
investigate our relationship experiences. We are here live on the
(01:10):
art Spot today and I'm going to take your questions.
I'm going to take your comments. I'm going to even
invite you to be a guest. If you want to
come up on the screen and talk to me, all
you have to do is put it in the request
and I'll see you and I'll bring you up. I
want to talk about relationships today because it's coming up.
(01:32):
You know, we're coming into the holiday season where coming
out of the summer, we'll be home again, we'll be
quiet again and relationships are just so challenging for us,
and with all of the hooplah and conflomeration that's going
on out there in the world, with the election and
with everything that's going on, I want to make sure.
(01:56):
I want to make sure that we have the skills
and the tools and the information that we need to
make our relationships better. Our relationship with ourself, our relationship
with other people. How about our relationship with money. How
about your relationship with your body? How about that? We
(02:16):
are talking about all kinds of relationships. We're looking out
in the world and we're seeing these relationships, you know.
And somebody said something to me the other day that
was very interesting. They said, the relationship between the two
candidates that are running to be president of the United
States reflects the relationships between men and women. I never
(02:40):
even thought about that. We got a man running, we
got a woman running, and there's all of this against
this and competition. So that is what we are talking about.
If you've got a question for me, I want you
to put it in the chat, and if you want
to come up on the screen and ask me a question,
you can do that. What do you recommend I am
(03:02):
ready to start dating again, but have been off the
scene for five years. I suggest that you try to
have fun. Don't go out dating looking for a permanent relationship.
How about you have playdates? Do you know how to
have a playdate? Do you just know how to go
out and have some fun and be with somebody? So
(03:23):
do that look good? Smell good? You know, it's like
you're going to a buffet. All right, Taste a little
bit of this, Taste a little bit of that, have
a little bit, just have some fun. So very often
we go out with so much seriousness in mind that
we're not even fully present to the possibilities that are
(03:43):
there for us. Go on and have some fun, have playdates.
Just make sure you have birth control. Okay? Where else
am I going here?
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So?
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Where are you and your relationships? What do you want
to know about relationships? What are you thinking about relationships with?
Relationships in your life are growing and thriving? And which
relationships in your life are in breakdown? And how do
you heal a breakdown? Listen? I have a thought that
I want to share with you. Okay, you know, in
(04:15):
our relationships what happens is we say we want someone
that compliments us, and we usually pick someone that's very
different than us, because opposite it's a track, right, opposite
it's a track. So we attract someone who's opposite us,
and we like everything about them, but because they're opposite
from us, they're all so different. And when we see
(04:37):
what's different about them than we want to change. We
want them to change, to be more like us, to
think like us, to want what we want, to do
what we do. And if they don't, then we make
up that they don't love us. How about that opposite's
a track? How are you when you see something different
(04:58):
than you, the opposite of what you are? Are you accepting?
Are you tolerant? Or do you want to change it
to keep yourself comfortable? That's the question we got here
on the floor. Let me see what other questions that
I have Tomorrow. Tomorrow eight wants to know. How can
we be more open to receive love? This is how
we can be more open to receive love. Learn to
(05:21):
love yourself. Learn to love yourself. You gotta learn to
love your bumps and your warts and your brilliance. You know.
One of the reasons we can always find what's wrong
with us, right, we can always find what's wrong with us.
We're always picking on ourselves, picking our scabs and picking
this and we didn't do this right, and that happened
(05:42):
and this went bad. But we don't know how to
stand fully in our greatness, in our power, stand in
your power, and learn to love yourself being powerful. Somebody said,
I want to be soft and pink. No, no, no,
why not be bold and blue and green? How about that? Yes?
(06:02):
How about be royal and rich. You don't have to
be soft and pink if you're a woman, nor do
you have to be base and black if you're a man.
You can stand in your truth and your power and
your glory and love yourself because you've got to know
how that feels. You have to know what that is.
And if you can't do it to yourself, you will
(06:24):
misread and misjudge other people loving you. How do you
open yourself to love? Spend more time with you, Spend
more time with you, get to really know you. Learn
how to stand in your strength in your weakness. Learn
how to stand in your knowing and you're not knowing.
(06:45):
Learn how to forgive yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Everything is
about forgiveness. Right now, we head an out of this
eight year into a nine year out of twenty twenty
four into twenty twenty five. And I'm telling you you
do not want to carry resentment, bitterness, regret, remorse, sorrow, sadness,
(07:05):
and grief. You don't want to take that into twenty
twenty five. Hear me what I'm telling you? Okay, you
do not, and we'll talk about that when we come back.
I'm trying to accept people onto the stage. I'm trying
to accept you, lamont to look for your thingy hoosy.
(07:27):
Oh there you are?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Hi?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
How are you? I'm good? How you doing?
Speaker 4 (07:35):
I'm doing awesome. I love the classes. I'm happy you
accepted me. Now what are you doing home in the
middle of the day. So I'm a dating coach?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
So I'm home doing coaching all the time, virtually.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
What the heck you mean? I'm doing the arts but
live and my first guest is a dating coach. Ain't
God great? Ain't God great?
Speaker 4 (07:57):
So the universe is connected? Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1 (08:01):
So what are some tips that you, as a dating
coach would give people to that wonderful question? How can
we be more open to receive love? What would you say, coach?
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Well, definitely, I think people sometimes don't want to put
effort into it, Like we expect the other person to
do all the work, to love, to court, to you know, forgive.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
But it's like, hey, how am I showing up? How
am I.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Making my partner feel safe, feel love, feel romantic? You know,
I think people forget about the effort that we have
to put into the relationship as well.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
But now let me ask you, mister dating coach Lamont,
because you know, maybe because I'm old, I'm og, but
relationships are not just about romance and fun and feeling good.
I when I talk to people about relationships, I say,
what are your creating together that's gonna benefit the world?
(09:02):
What do you create? I don't care if it's a family,
a book, a store. How about just being kind? How
about being demonstrations of kindness and forgiveness? What are you
creating together? Because you you know what? At my age,
I can only take but twelve and a half minutes
of romance?
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Right? I look, I totally agree.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
I agree people focus sometimes in the wrong thing, But
I think if you both are connected to your purpose
and your mission.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
And life, yes, that connects you all.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
That allows you all to be able to support each
other even if your purpose and your missions are totally
different in life, ye, right, like one one could be
like in real estate, other could be like in counseling.
But you still can show up for each other and
support each other right there.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Right there, right there. Wait a minute, day, didn't Coach
Lamont dating Coach Lamont talk to me about how do
you show up for your partner? Let's break that down
into bite sized pieces right here on the art Spoint.
This is a special edition of the art Spine the
arm Spot Live. I'm on the street. How do you
(10:13):
show up for your partner? Let's talk about what that is.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Yeah, well, I think you both have to figure out
what are your skill sets. So if you're good at finance,
if you're good at like connecting the family, Like my
brother is the one that calls everybody in the family
every week. He keeps the aunts, the uncles, everybody connected.
So if that's what your strength is, that's what you say.
Speaker 4 (10:37):
Hey, babe, I got this.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
I'm gonna take care of the finances for us. I'm
gonna do this Excel spreadsheet. I'm gonna make sure our
bills are paid. But I need you to make sure.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
You call my mom. So we don't, so.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
We can go to dinner, right, Yeah, and you have
to you have to make sure it's not a pissing contest.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Oh wait a minute, hold on, let's talk about a
pissing contest.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Like, you can't be intimidated by the strengths of your partners.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
Okay, good. You have to like support them, let them, like,
let them.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Show up what their strengths are, and you know, give
them space to do that. You know, I think, particularly
for men, men like to a key.
Speaker 4 (11:20):
We like to conquer.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So giving men tasks so that they can show that
they're achieving something will make him stay with you and
connect it with you for life.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
You know.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
The other way, I think that we can show up
for our partners. And this is hard to learn the
distinction between listening and hearing, to learn how to listen
to your partner without having to have a response, and
to learn how to hear your partner without taking everything personally. See,
(11:55):
we listen with our ears to the sound that's coming in,
but so very young, and I think partners listen trying
to formulate a response.
Speaker 4 (12:05):
Amen. Amen. I struggled with that with my husband.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
You'll say something and I'll say well, what did you.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
Mean to say? Like, I know you said this, but
what did you really mean to say? Or what are
you like? What what's the meaning behind that?
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Because my stuff will get in the way and he
might say a word that triggers me and I'm like,
wait a minute, Lamar, wait a minute, that's your stuff,
asking what he really meant so that I can listen.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Right, Okay, okay, So now mister dating Coast Lamont, the
guru of relationship, they gonna do a little coaching right here. Okay,
here's a here's another possibility. When he says something and
you get triggered, repeat back to him, and this is
for everybody. Let me tell you what I'm hearing you say. Yes,
(12:57):
what I'm hearing you say is and if you get
it twisted, they'll say, no, no, that's not what I said.
But if you're honest in that moment and share what
you're hearing as opposed to what he said or she said,
this is for everybody, then that gives them an opportunity
to clean it up. But that takes patience, and you
(13:17):
use the very important word trigger because once we get triggered,
now our hair is on fire and we're going in
for the jugular and.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Then you can't hear anything else.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Now you're vulnerable in your feelings, and I will tell
you you know, it takes time to be able to
practice that muscle.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
And it's okay to say, you know what, I may
mess up.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Sometimes I might need to walk around the block and
come back and have the conversation again. But it takes
a level of self reflection and vulnerability to be able.
Speaker 4 (13:52):
To say that's my stuffy right.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
Yeah, let me say this, Coach Lamont, I am so
glad you're here. But listen, let's talk about forgiveness and relationships,
because I'm on this forgiveness kid. I'm a ride this
forgiveness horse until the end of the year because so
very often in relationships, we make mistakes, we make missteps,
(14:17):
we do you know. And I'm not talking about tragic
you know, beat you and hit you in your head,
shoot you, pull a gun on you, and that kind
of stuff. I'm talking about hurt your feelings, disappoint you.
Talk about for a moment. I'm gonna let you go
after this, talk about for a moment how important it
is for partners to learn how to forgive.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
Yeah, your partner's always going to disappoint you. I was
having a conversation with somebody last night. If you expect
that your partner's never gonna disappoint you in that relationship,
then you might as well just stay single or marry
a robot, because you know, we disappoint each other in relationships,
and it's really about how do you grow through disappointment?
Speaker 4 (14:58):
How do you forgive each other?
Speaker 3 (14:59):
And one things I've learned is that sometimes you have
to model what forgiveness looks like. So like, okay, the
mistake was there, let's talk about the mistake was how
did we what did we learn from that? What did
you want me to do in that situation? That could
have been differently? And then when I say forgive you
(15:23):
literally forgive you, heal that hurt and you move on, Yeah,
you move on. Forgiveness is about moving on and not
harping on it and bringing it back up six, eight,
twelve months later, because guess what, you really didn't forgive.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
Yes, you just put a candate on it. That's right.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
Thank you so much, Thank you for all you do.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Thank you Bye bye. Listen, Sandra, look how the universe
is my first guess on the show is a dating
coach and look at that and we'll talk about that
when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Okay,
(16:09):
let me go back over here, Camille Lee. I think
I've accepted your invitation, I mean your request. Look there
and see if you can come up with me. Good afternoon,
my beloved. How are you good? Do you have a mine?
Speaker 2 (16:24):
So? I'm fine?
Speaker 4 (16:26):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Good? Now you are you in the mall? Are you shopping?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Got?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Okay? Yeah? So you have a question you want to
bring to the floor.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yes I do. I'm thirty seven, if that matters. I've
been married for eight years now, and me and my
husband keep coming to this point where we're button heads
and he will get into conflict and I'll tell him
what my issue is with him.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
And he'll just I can't do anything right.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
I won't say anything. And the last time we got
into got into it, he said that he feels like
I hate our home. And I'm just like, where is
this coming from?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
I don't hate oh.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Say that guy?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
He told me that he feels like that I hate
our home and I was like no, I was like,
until I tell you that that's not true. And so
when I actually got him to sit down and talk
to me, it seemed like I.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
Hear him coming down.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
I don't really want to maker, but it seemed like
he was telling me that basically he doesn't feel safe
with telling me his concerns because he said every time
that he says something, he's punished for it. And yeah,
and he's like he's been feeling this way for ten years,
and he basically doesn't come to me with conflict or
(17:58):
issues because he feels like he'll go into I can't
do anything right. It's all my fault, you know. And
that's kind of where we get stuck. Nothing really gets resolved,
and we're just right there. And I told him I
wanted to sit down and I attempted to have a
clearing conversation and say, you know, I think we both
(18:18):
have assumptions about each other. What can we do? What
can I do? I don't hate our house. I'm an
entrepreneur photographer, so I like to leave my house and
go co work or go places that will inspire me.
And I was trying to explain that to him. He
was like, you must either hate the house or you
hate me. That makes more sense, and for him to
say that, I was like, what what do you mean?
Speaker 4 (18:38):
So we just keep.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Coming right here when it comes to communication and in
our relationship, and I just don't really know where to
go to help him feel comfortable talking to me or
telling me when he when he has issues with me.
It's always me being like, hey, babe, do you mind
doing this? Or do you mind doing this? But I
always do my best to say how can I support you?
(19:01):
What can I do to help you with xyz? And
we're just right there when it comes to communication.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Wow, there's a lot in there. There is a lot
in there at all.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yeah, so he is really communicating something to you. He
doesn't feel safe with you, No, he doesn't. Yeah, and
it may be because of his listening.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
You know.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
I say this all the time, and I hear people
stealing it and using it. Thank you God, men work
with the three p's. Provide, provide, perform, and please provide
for you. Perform for you. That means do the things
that are bring a smile to your face and please
(19:49):
you in the bed, out of the bed, around the house,
put the toilets he down, take the trash out, whatever
those are. The men's three p's. When they're not living
into their three peas, sometimes what gets triggered in them
is a level of inadequacy, and inadequacy in a man's
(20:11):
consciousness is kryptonite. And then what he'll do is what's normal.
Let me not say what he'll do. What's normal for
a man to do is project it outward. Something somebody's
doing makes them feel inadequate or unworthy or lack of value.
So that's him. A woman's place are the three a's. Affirm, appreciate,
(20:38):
and acknowledge. Affirm him. Yes, you know, I just love
the way you walk that trash to the corner. I
see your butt moving when you walk in that trash
to the corner. I just get so excited. You are
the best trash taker hout in the world. You are
the best toilet seat. Put it down, you know. Affirm him.
Men need to be affirmed from the heart of a woman.
(21:02):
Appreciate him. Thank you so much for the way you
rub my feet. Thank you so much for how you
clean your platelet. Thank you so appreciation. They need to appreciate,
and when we don't appreciate them, they come to the
feeling that nothing they do is right, nothing they do
is enough. And the other one is acknowledge. Acknowledge his greatness,
(21:24):
acknowledges his gifts, acknowledge his talents. And you don't have
to walk around like a robot saying it all the time,
but you do have to practice those three a's so
that he feels good about practicing his three p's. And
then if there's any one of those p's where he's weak,
like if you're the main provider and he's the you
(21:46):
know he makes less than you really got to affirm
thank you so much for how hard you work, and
you know, so it sounds to me a that he
needs more. First of all, I don't know where he
is in his pleate, in his piece. Okay, he.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Provides, he provides, He takes care of all the bills.
He is the main provider. I take care of like
the supplementary things. And he's even taken my car note
from me. He provides amazing. With that, he gets frustrated
because at the end of the month he feels like
he doesn't have anything to show, and he gets frustrated.
Speaker 4 (22:24):
He's like, I want to pay this off. I want
to pay this off.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
He was very aggressive and pound of our house, and
he looks at he gets frustrated by debt. He's like,
I need to pay this off, and it's always weighing
on him. So I try to be supportive. Have they
were so fortunate to have the house we got, And
you know.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Here's another possibility. Instead of you trying to be supportive,
A way to affirm him is to say, how can
I support you?
Speaker 4 (22:52):
I do?
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Okay, He'll say, as long as you're happy, just be happy.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
He'll never give me.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
He doesn't he but he gave it to you. He
don't feel safe with you. And there's a mistake I
think that women often make in relationships with men, and
here it is men want to know that their thoughts
are respected. So you know, we think different. Men think
(23:21):
in headlines. We think in fine print. So he may
have a headline thing and you'll say that don't even
make no damn sense. But no, no, no, no no,
you got to zip your lip, zip your lip, get
you a chip clip, put it on your lips, and
do not you know, because for us, we sense and
(23:44):
we feel they think and sometimes what they're thinking, if
we can't sense it or feel it, will dismiss it,
will diminish it. Okay. You gotta be real careful with that.
So here's what I'm gonna give you some and key
phrases that you can start to use. When he says
something that don't make no damn sense to you, say wow,
(24:07):
tell me more about that. Tell me more about that, okay.
And when he says he or you didn't do or
you should do it okay, or you make me feel whatever,
say okay, tell me how can I do it differently?
How can I do it differently and get from him
(24:28):
what he needs from you? And if you can do it,
say okay, help me work on that. If it's something
you can't do, be honest and say you know why.
I'm not sure I can do that, but I can
do this, okay, So tell me more about that. When
he gives you an idea that you know, step up
(24:50):
like this is not gonna be We've got to be
mindful because it's so easy for us to slip in
the mother ring and correction, which do I'm grown and
ask man says she don't respect my thinking. He wants
to know that his thinking is respected. You want to
know that your feelings matter, So I guarantee you that
(25:12):
somewhere along the line he doesn't honor, or affirm or
appreciate your feelings. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 4 (25:21):
I feel like he tries to.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
He may not know how to, so he might have
some stuff going on with him that don't have nothing
to do with you. Do you love this man, dear?
Are you committed to the relationship?
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
I am recommend counseling, he said, yes. Okay, Well, what
the hell are you calling me for a bye? What
the heck? I just spent seventeen minutes with you. Go
get you a counselor and get yourself together. Bye, But
(25:57):
work with those languages and remember you're a firm acknowledge appreciate. Okay,
a firm acknowledge appreciate. Okay, thank you, baby, thank you
for calling. That was really good. Go get you a counselor. Hey, okay,
I'm gonna try to see if I can get Ricky
(26:17):
in here. But don't forget now to you my listeners
out there. You know, ladies, you've got to remember we
can't always correct. That's when we slip into mothering. You know,
they say things and we want them to do it
this way or that way. We can always correct sometimes
(26:40):
we just have to let them be and it don't
make no sense. Clip your lips, Go get one of
them potato chip clips and put it on your mouth,
and don't say another thing. Let me see if I've
got another question over here? What can I do with
myself to attract a man that will love me correctly? Well?
I don't know what loving you correctly is? What does
(27:03):
that mean? And why do you have to do anything
to yourself? I don't know what does love you correctly mean?
Speaker 2 (27:11):
See?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
How about just listen? Listen? When you get out of
the bed in the morning, do you worry about gravity? No,
you just swing your legs over to the side of
the bed, put your feet down, put your feet down,
and you know gravity is gonna work. Did you know
that love is the same way? Love just is? It
(27:38):
is here, it is present. The challenge for us is
how do we just be in the love? How do
we just be there and experience moment by moment? You know,
we go on a date and already we're getting a
wedding invitations, or we meet somebody and we're looking at
(28:01):
their social psycho history. How can you just be in
the moment? How can you just be love is there.
It's all the way there. The question is how you
know if you've only got a little pin hole in
your heart because your mama hurts you, your daddy hurts you,
the first man left you the baby daddy don't pay
(28:23):
y'all support, the people on the job don't like you.
If you've only got a little pin hole in your heart,
how much love can you let in? And how much
love will you let out? That is the question. But
our time today is over, so thank you for tuning
in for the special edition of The R Spot Live.
(28:44):
Coming to you Live, You coming to me Live. I
think we may just do this again. Bye bye. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. More podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.