July 10, 2024 • 37 mins
In this episode, Iyanla is asking callers to contemplate whether or not they let the good one get away...or maybe they are the one that got away. How did it happen? Was there self-sabotaging? Were you ready to receive? Our first guest knows she let the good one get away, and Iyanla helps her figure out what to call in for her next relationship.
For our second guest, the one that got away was out of her control, but Iyanla advises on how to move forward when fate takes our lives in unforeseen directions.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am I Amla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for some, and a soft place to fall for others.
I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I
love myself enough to be able to share my love
with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a production
of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome
(00:37):
to the R Spot, the spot where we look at relationships,
all kinds of relationships, knowing and understanding that relationships are
the healing tools our concepts of ourselves, our perceptions and
concepts of other people, and our concepts of about love.
(01:01):
Relationships are all about love, loving ourselves, loving other people,
loving our creator, loving life. So the fact that we
need love, want love, pursue love takes us in and
out of relationships. And yet sometimes we can be in
a relationship and think that we're not getting what we
(01:23):
want and what we need the way we want it
and the way we need it, and we'll get frustrated, disgusted, upset,
disgruntled in that relationship, and we'll let it go. And
then a week later, a month later, a year later,
ten years later, we look back and say, oh my god,
that was exactly what I wanted, and I had no
(01:45):
way of knowing that. I thought they were wrong. I
thought it wasn't enough. I thought I needed more. I
thought it I couldn't get it, And that was exactly
what I wanted. Sometimes we let the good one get away,
and then when we look back and see them happy
over there with Shaquita, we say, oh my god, how
(02:08):
come they weren't treating me like that? How come they
weren't giving me that? How come they weren't doing that
with me? Well, maybe they were, and maybe you just
weren't open to receive it. You know, it's hard because
as human beings, we make up in our mind what
things should look like, how people should be, how we
should get this or get that, or do this or
do that, And the truth is we have no clue.
(02:31):
Sometimes we don't know what to pray for. We don't
know what love looks like because we've had past experiences
and we keep going into our file cabinet and pulling
out those experiences and comparing them to what we have
and what we're doing right now, and we can be
totally off the mark and in pursuing those little human demands,
(02:59):
if you will. Sometimes we let the good one get away,
and sometimes we're the good one and somebody will let
us get away, and they do it in such a
horrific pattern, a horrific process, to when they come back
and say I made a mistake. I want you back,
We're like, uh uh no, done with you done. That
(03:21):
door is closed, that portal is no longer available. So
we want to talk about that today. Did you let
the good one get away? And if so, why? And
are you the good one who got away? And if so,
how did that happen? So that we can explore some
of the humanness that we use to destroy our relationships,
(03:47):
both with ourselves and with other people. So I've got
some callers today who have that experience. Here's my first caller. Greetings,
and welcome to the R spot. How could you let
(04:08):
him get away? Or maybe they let you get away?
Did you let the good one get away?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yes? I did, Yes, I did.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Tell me your tale of woe? How long ago was it?
Who wasn't? And what did you do?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It was a long time ago, But I was twenty two,
he was twenty six, a great man.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
We both were teachers at the time, and he took
care of everything. We lived together amazing relationships. I just
feel like.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
You know, everything was good, nothing was really wrong. I
just feel like I was young and he was older.
So I think that's why I let a good thing
get away. So you know, in my head, isn't okay
that you let a good thing get away? Because now
I feel like I am a better person.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
I love where I am right now, and you know,
I learned a lot within that relationship.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Okay, I need the dirt. Okay, how did what did
you do? You talk about he was older? That's four
years your twenty two, he's twenty sixcess four years. Why
did you think he was too old?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I don't know. I don't even know.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
It's just I think the mindset where our minds were,
and you know at that time, I guess I was
just turned twenty two.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
I'm not sure, but I just know.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
That I wasn't there yet, and he was more serious,
he was in a he was more just ready for
the home life. You know, a good woman, And yes
I was good.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
I just I just feel like I was just enjoying
life at twenty two.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
So what did you do? Did you put him out
or did you create arguments to get rid of him.
Did you could tell me give me the dirt, give.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
It to me.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
I don't know. I think we grew apart, but I
do know so I started meaning other.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
People all.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
But uh, you know, I just think I was living life,
just seeing everything that was out there.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Okay, so you were too young. You were too young?
Speaker 4 (06:19):
Yes, yeah, I was too young.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
But I do feel like he was good, you know,
even now I'm forty five. I'll be forty five and
now I'm like, where is he?
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Where I need somebody just like this?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Oh my god, So you don't know where he is.
You haven't seen him since?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
No, I haven't.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Did you? Did you google him?
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Separate ways?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Okay, well what did you learn? You said you learn
some some things. What did you learn?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
I learned for myself that I just needed to grow.
I just needed to grow within the relationships, just within
myself because now, you know, I want what I have
before and I haven't found a person that.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Can give me, you know, the attention, because he gave
me a lot of attention and everything. But again, like
I said, I feel like my mindset wasn't there. I
enjoyed the relationship. Nothing negative really happened.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
We just parted ways. It's just that I wasn't ready
and now I'm ready. Now I'm ready, And that's pretty
sad to me.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
That's sad. You know. It takes years to realize. Okay,
I let a good thing to get away.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Well you didn't know it was good.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
You know.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Sometimes we want things and we a don't believe we
can have them, so when they show up, we tell ourselves, this,
ain't it. That's number one and number two may not.
There may be a seed within us as of undeservedness.
Oh I don't deserve this. Why is this happening? You know?
(07:55):
And then here's the big one. No, this can't be true.
He's got to be something got to be wrong with him,
and I'm not sticking around. It's too good, Yeah, too
good to be true. And now you can't find it. Well,
it's out there, trust it. Yes it is. It is.
(08:17):
If it it wasn't out there, you wouldn't want it.
And that's something that we have to. If you spot it,
you got it. So if you can spot or identify
what it is that you want and desire, you know,
it was the wrong timing for you. So perhaps that
(08:39):
you stayed together you would have you know, fought or
broke up or whatever, and it really would have went downhill.
Here at least you exercised your own free will and
walked away. But it's out there, and I know it's hard.
In today's world, we think that they will never find it.
And that the thought that keeps it away, thinking it's
(09:04):
not out there while you are looking for it, we'll
keep it from finding you.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Call it in.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
I'm ready. I'm ready to share my life. I'm ready
to share my heart, and you know, God forgive my language.
I'm ready to share my bed. But call it in.
And this is the other part. Know this, Had he
been the right one, he wouldn't have left. He wouldn't
(09:43):
have he would have been willing to fight for the relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
So what do you want now?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
What I want to know? What I had before?
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Well, no, no, let's close that file, cabinet, Let's take
that file out, take it out, because what you had
before was something you couldn't receive. You don't want that again.
Do you see what I'm saying? What you had before
is something you couldn't receive. You don't want that. So
what do you want now? Lay it out? Give me
(10:13):
the details?
Speaker 3 (10:15):
What I want now is somebody who will love me
for me. I want, you know, somebody that I can
enjoy time with, who's been too god Somebody who like
to travel.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I'm fun, out going, and then I could be a
recluse as well. I could be in and I could
be out. I'm a cancer. So you know we got
this tell Oh yeah, yeah, so I could be in
and out.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
But I really want a relationship. You know that somebody
can love me for me. Who I am not putting
on the further side, putting on a mask, It's just me.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Well we all want that. We will all want to
be accepted for who we are. What I want to
incourage you to do is don't put it on a person.
Don't say I want someone, say I want to be
loved authentically. I want to be loved as I am.
I want a companion to travel with. I want someone
who knows fun. I also want someone who's not going
(11:16):
to be disturbed or upset when I need my own space.
I want someone who's settled in their own life, someone
who has their own vision. I want someone I can
build a dream and a vision with, someone I can
build a life with. Or I want to experience that.
But if you say I want somebody to do these things,
(11:39):
that means that you have a construct in there that
they have to live up to, as opposed to I
want a relationship where this is what I experience, where
I experience companionship where I experience, you know, the joy
of traveling. I want a relationship where I feel I
can be authentic and honest. I want a relation whiphip
(12:00):
where I can also have my me time. I want
a relationship where I experience generosity and security and safety.
That's the kind of relationship I want it, and I
want it with a man who's between this age and
that age.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
I mean, then you get specific.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Oh yeah, now that sound like a book I won't.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Yeah, or what I see myself, And that's even better
when you can see yourself in a relationship. I see
myself in a relationship where I'm accepted for who I am.
I see myself in a relationship where I'm traveling and
I'm having fun, you know what I mean? Because again,
(12:48):
if you make it them, if they don't do it
the way that you think it should be done, you
know you may not recognize it again when it comes.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yes, So Oh, well, what if you have to put
you have to put yourself in that position to be
ready to also receive as well, because I think that's
what some of us don't do either. Just be ready
for it.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Well, I'm ready for a relationship where I'm accepted for
who I am. I see myself in and I'm ready
to experience, you know, total acceptance. I see myself in
and I'm ready to accept. You know. That can be
a journaling exercise, that can be affirmations, that can be
(13:38):
your vision board, that can be so many ways that
you created so that you don't let another good one
get away. But you want to be careful because what
would it look like to you if somebody accepted you
for who you are? What would that look like? You
got to know because you may think you can wear
(13:59):
your whole raggedy pajamas to bed and with you know,
your hair standing up over your head and that's who
you are. And your partner may say, God, could you
could you get a nice nightgown? And that may strike
you as well, why can't you just accept me and
my holy pajamas with my hair standing on top of
my head?
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Okay, so you got you gotta you know, if somebody
come to me.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
But somebody loving you for who you are as you
are doesn't necessarily mean that they'll always agree with you,
because some of your stuff may be crazy as hell.
Suppose you're a Republican and they're a Democrat, they're a
Democrat and you're a Republican. Or you're an independent, or
you you know whatever, you're a Christian and there universalist.
(14:49):
That doesn't mean that they can't love you with who
you are. So just be mindful that somebody loving you
and accepting you is who you are doesn't mean that
you're all going to always agree and that you'll always
want the same things in the same way. But in
the places that it matters, Can you trust them with
your heart? Do you feel safe with them? They? Are
(15:10):
they generous with you? Do they have a sense of humor?
I mean, whatever it is that matters to you, because
the good one may not always agree with you, but
that doesn't mean that they're not exactly what you want.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (15:26):
It is.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Well, don't say that, okay, go journal, go journal, make
you a vision born and then get on a dating site. No, no, no,
I'm just kidding that the good one exactly. The good
one is out there. The good one is out there,
and they'll find you. And when you start vibrating where
they're vibrating because there's somebody, a nice person out there
(15:49):
who wants to travel, who has a good sense of humor,
who's generous, who has their own vision, who can support
you and your vision. It's out there. I promise you.
If it wasn't, you wouldn't want it. If it was,
since you wouldn't want it. Okay, all right, well, listen,
there are six billion people on the planet. One of
(16:09):
them is looking for you. Call him in, Call him in. Okay, yes, ma'am,
all right, thank you, thank you. Okay. Yeah, it happens.
We let the good one get away, and then we
(16:32):
spend the rest of our life trying to find it.
But remember his point is important. If it was really
for you, it would not have gone away. And also
know that if it's for you and you're willing to
hang in there with it, you'll work out those little differences.
(16:54):
And don't think that the good one is the one
that agrees with you all the time, sees things exactly
the way you see that in relationships, we need that
polarity we need the maximizer and the minimizer. We need
the recluse and the social person. We need the loud
mouth and the quiet person. You need that polarity in relationships.
(17:16):
They say opposites are track, opposites are trac and sometimes
we will attract our opposite and because they're not doing
what we do the way we do it, we think
that they are not the right one. Yeah, And in
relationships sometimes you have to fight for what it is
that you want. So know what the right one is
(17:37):
and know that even when the right one comes along,
there are going to be points of tension, things you
have to work on, things you have to work through.
And that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. And we'll
talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to
(17:58):
the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Welcome
back to the R Spot. I am a online today.
We are looking at a very interesting topic. Did you
let the good one get away? Or are you the
good one that got away? Okay, the good one? What
is the good one? We're looking at that. We're examining that.
(18:18):
What does it mean that the person is good for you?
Is it because they're giving you what you want and
denying themselves? Does it mean that they always agree with
you and they don't have a point of view on
their own? What is the good one? And did you
let it get away? Let me see what my next
caller has to say. Greetings, and welcome to the R spot.
(18:47):
We are talking today about the good one that got away?
Did you let the good one get away? Or are
you the good one who got away?
Speaker 4 (18:54):
I let get away?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Did you? I want to hear what did you do?
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Well?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
It was like a high school sweetheart, and we didn't
see each other a whole lot after high school and
I joined the military, so he came looking for me,
and my mom told me I was in a Korea,
and she said someone came by looking for you, but
I did not remember their name, so I was like, well,
(19:22):
I don't know who that was. So I would say
twenty or so years later, Wow, I moved back to
my home hometown and me and my granddaughter were in
the grocery store and I heard someone behind me. He says,
I got you. Now you are not going to get away,
(19:43):
And when I turned around.
Speaker 4 (19:45):
I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
It was the type of person in high school, you
being young.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
You don't know anything about love.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
But in his presence I would always smile. I'm not
a smiler, he would just he had just such a
beautiful spirit and it would always make me smile. And
there was something about his eyes. I said, you know,
I think you're looking through me, and don't you know
I wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (20:15):
It was just so uncomfortable. I knew it was something there,
but I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 5 (20:19):
So we got.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
A chance to reconnect for about a year and a half,
and unfortunately he passed away.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Oh well, you didn't let him get away. He left.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Well, to me, I feel like he got away because
that was the only person. You know, how you just
have a connection with someone that you don't experience with
anyone else.
Speaker 4 (20:46):
I'm fifty eight and ready to be fifty nine. And
he passed away in twenty twenty seventeen, and right after that,
my father passed away. I was just caregiver. We met
at the same like twenty fifteen, my friend came back
(21:09):
into my life, and then immediately after that I had
to go and get my father because his current wife
was ill and my father had dementia and it developed
into Parkinson's. So I had two loves of my life
lead me back to back, and COVID happened during that time, okay,
(21:32):
And I always say, you know, God, why did you
bring him back for such a short period of time.
It's like he opened up my heart because I'm a
single mother, grown with kids, who wasn't interested in the
date and just to live in life and to have
you know, your whole heart opened from a very special person.
(21:55):
And then you know, I appreciate the time, but it's
really been.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Hard because you're still holding on. You're holding on and
how have you tried? What have you done? You know,
we're looking at how did you let the good one
get away? And in your particular case, it wasn't that
you let him get away. It's that his contract expired,
(22:23):
and the contract was with life, it wasn't with you.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Yes, And during our time together, he would always say,
you know, had an illness. And he would always say,
if you don't hear from me in a certain period
of time, you know something has happened. And it really
(22:50):
I would ask him why, you know, I would talk
to him about his health and what he was doing
and what did the doctor say, and he would shut down,
and you know, we go through periods, and he went
and mentioned it, and all of a sudden he would
mention it again. And our love connection was so strong.
Because he was admitted into the hospital, I think he
(23:12):
had to start having a cluster of strokes. And the
day he died, I was at home by myself with
my father and I was going to the other side
of the house to check on him. And I felt
it and I was like, oh no, lord, I'm like,
I'm here by myself with my dad. There was nobody
to call nine one one, what is it? And later
(23:34):
on that afternoon I got the phone call. And when
he left this world, I felt that.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
How beautiful is that? That's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
You know.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
I have a friend and she had a love like that.
They were together, they were separated, they came back together
and they went to the restaurant to eat and he
went in the bathroom and had a asthma attack and
died right in the bathroom or the restaurant. You know,
he left his body. And the thing that she said,
you know, she was sad for a long time, but
(24:11):
you know what she said, she said, he taught me
how to love unconditionally, and what unconditional love felt like
so after that many you know, several years after that,
she met someone else and she said, I know he
(24:32):
loves me unconditionally because it felt the same way it
felt when Shafi loved me. What if this person was
just showing you what it really feels like to be
loved so that you could share it with somebody else
instead of being remorseful that he isn't here anymore, Why
(24:56):
aren't you holding it? Okay, I know what love feels like,
not what it looks like, what the person says or does,
but what it feels like. Have you ever considered that?
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (25:07):
Yes I have.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It's just unfortunately I haven't experienced that. I've tried, and
I'm currently trying to date. But you have all those feelings.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
And I have all those feelings.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Yes I have.
Speaker 4 (25:30):
You know the feelings of what love is and how
it is supposed to feel, what it looks like. And
I tell him all the time, I said, you just
opened me up at a time where I guess, you know,
I need it to be but I just thought it
would last. And it's like the people that I've come
in contact with. Unfortunately, it is just I don't know
(25:55):
what's going on?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
What?
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Because you're comparing as opposed to receiving. And we'll talk
about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You know,
(26:18):
my last partner passed away also, and sometimes I have
to say, listen, you don't get to occupy this space
in my heart anymore. I get to continue to love you,
but you don't get to occupy this space of my
time in my heart. My heart has to be open
for someone else. Now I'm consciously choosing not to date
(26:41):
at this moment. But if you hold him in your
heart in a way where you're comparing what shows up
to what you had, you're never going to find it.
Because God is not I mean, everybody is different and
in life, you know, apples may look alike, but everyone
(27:02):
is unique. So if you're comparing this apple to that apple,
you're never going to find the first apple again. But
you can find a good apple.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
I'm trying to find a good.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Apple, okay, but are you comparing That's the thing. Oh no,
this doesn't look like this, This doesn't sound like this,
this doesn't feel like this. But what is this that
I am feeling is this love, is it? Yeah, but
don't compare.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I think I do compare. But it's like I would say,
starting over again, And if it's not going to be
the same.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Then I don't want it. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
It's not like I don't want it because I want it.
It's just but how do you make the transition?
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Ask him to help you find someone? How to ask
him to help you find someone? He's an angel, he's
a you got a friend at a high place. Ask
him to help you find someone that'll give you a
new experience of love. You've had his love already. How
about a new experience of love? How about that?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
And to help me find it? Because he comes around.
I know when he comes around, and it's like certain
spiritual discernments you know you have them, but then you
know you be like, okay, but you know, so I
have that knowing and I know you know when he's around,
(28:36):
and it's like, is that going to be with me
for the rest of my life?
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah? Because you're holding on to it. He's occupying a
space in your heart when nobody else can get in.
Let me, you said he passed away. He made this
transition in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Are you the same as you were in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
In what regard?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
In any regard? Are your boobs the same sides?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Did you?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
But the same sides? Do you like the same things?
Have you changed since twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
In some ways but not very many?
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Oh well that's a problem.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Well, you know, taking care of my dad. It's only
been this year and things have changed. Spiritually, I'm maturing
more in these I constantly am doing the work like
get over it. I mean, I live currently living a home.
(29:33):
It's like when my dad came, I was in an apartment,
so I had to get a home. My friend was
the one that got in contact with the relatives, so
these memories and memories of him, I've had to deal
with him at the same time. So I've had a
lot of stuff. I thank God every day I'm just
(29:55):
have a sound mind because it was really rough. And
then during that time, COVID came about where you were,
you know, basically shut down. So I've had to grieve
and try to get back to myself. And I just say.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
Maybe last year I was like, Okay, it's time for
you to do something.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Successfully.
Speaker 5 (30:23):
So that's where I'm at and again if people come
into our life beloved for a reason, a season, or a.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Lifetime, and sometimes people come in for all three. So
let's just say that the prince came into your life
to teach you how to love, to teach you how
to receive love, to teach you what unconditional love looked like.
That's the reason he came into your life. But that
(30:55):
reason only lasted a season. The season was that year
and a half that you two were together, and then
that season ended. Now, him and your dad, they gave
you a lifetime. The memories and the joy and the connection.
That's a lifetime. But you need to put that in
a hat box up on the shelf where you can
(31:19):
pull it out and not wear it in June like
it's a winter coat. Okay, does that make sense? You know,
sometimes you gotta kiss the frog. So the question, because
how many frogs do I have to kiss until I
(31:39):
meet the prince? As many as show up, that's how
many frogs you have to get. And you don't have
the tongue kiss them, just kiss them on the lip lightly.
Don't be tongue kissing the frogs until you know it's
a prince. Okay, but keep those memories their lifetimes. And
(32:02):
you go there and you open the box and you
remember what he looked like and what he smelt like,
and what he said, and you have a few moments,
maybe shed a tear or laugh a little. Then put
that stuff back in the box, put it back up
on the shelf. Yeah, and you'll practice and you'll learn, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Because I think one of your shows changing your need
to a desire. Yes, because I guess if I'm giving
off the oh woe is me? That up lonely, then
that's what you with. Those are the little frogs that
have been coming.
Speaker 4 (32:37):
To the case.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Yeah, you got it, You got it. They have frogs
like frogs like pity. They will hop right in your
lap and you're saying woe is me, and they're saying, well,
look at me, I'm a frog, I'm green, I'm down
here on the ground. They'll be right in the pity
party with you. You got some more experience, you have some
(33:00):
greater gifts. You you've shifted, you've changed. So be the
princess that you are today and look for the king,
the prince or the king that can love you as
you are today, even if you got to kiss some frog,
like I said, don't tongue kiss them, and in your
(33:23):
quiet time, in your prayer, because I hear you're doing
the work. Surrender to the Holy Spirit the belief that
because you have it once, I can never have it again.
Surrender that. Give that over to the Holy Spirit because
it's in there. Yeah, all right, Princess, I want to hear.
(33:50):
I want to hear. And don't count them frogs. Just
kiss them, see what happens, and then let them go
if they're not, if they don't have no prince qualities
I have. Okay, all right, my love, thank you so
much for calling. Okay, bye bye. How many frogs do
(34:14):
you have to kiss until you meet the prince? As
many as it takes. But don't go slobbering all up
in the frog's mouth and rubbing them on your boobs.
Just kiss a little bit and see what happens. Okay,
And don't measure this frog with that frog. You know,
you may get a bullfrog or a croak of frog.
(34:35):
You may get a young frog or an old frog.
Just kiss the frogs and see what happens. Alrighty, the
good one that got away. Sometimes they don't get away.
Sometimes we chase them away. Sometime they leave because their
season and our life is up. Sometimes they leave because
we're not ready, and it could be a belief that
(34:55):
we don't deserve it, or this isn't right, or there's
something better, all sorts of things. And sometimes you're the
good one and they'll let you go because they're not ready.
This is the premise. Write this down, Write this down. Okay,
nothing is perfect. This is a Buddhist principle that I
(35:17):
learned and I practice. Nothing is perfect. That means no
one is perfect, and no relationship is going to be perfect,
and nothing is permanent. Nothing is going to stay the
way it was back in fifty six. Everything is changing
all the time. Nothing is perfect, nothing is permanent, and
(35:39):
nothing is personal. It ain't personal. If they're not living
up to your expectations, it ain't personal. If you're not
living up to their expectations, it ain't personal. It's just
the way life is on folding. It ain't perfect, it
ain't permanent, and it ain't personal. I hope you've heard
(36:04):
something today that you can use to make you or
your relationship better. Even if the good one got away,
look for the lesson and grow it into something new
and be willing to kiss some frogs or some frog ads.
Thank you for joining me today and I'll see you
next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not
(36:28):
in pieces.
Speaker 6 (36:29):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
I am I Amla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for some, and a soft place to fall for others.
I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I
love myself enough to be able to share my love
with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a production
of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome
(00:37):
to the R Spot, the spot where we look at relationships,
all kinds of relationships, knowing and understanding that relationships are
the healing tools our concepts of ourselves, our perceptions and
concepts of other people, and our concepts of about love.
(01:01):
Relationships are all about love, loving ourselves, loving other people,
loving our creator, loving life. So the fact that we
need love, want love, pursue love takes us in and
out of relationships. And yet sometimes we can be in
a relationship and think that we're not getting what we
(01:23):
want and what we need the way we want it
and the way we need it, and we'll get frustrated, disgusted, upset,
disgruntled in that relationship, and we'll let it go. And
then a week later, a month later, a year later,
ten years later, we look back and say, oh my god,
that was exactly what I wanted, and I had no
(01:45):
way of knowing that. I thought they were wrong. I
thought it wasn't enough. I thought I needed more. I
thought it I couldn't get it, And that was exactly
what I wanted. Sometimes we let the good one get away,
and then when we look back and see them happy
over there with Shaquita, we say, oh my god, how
(02:08):
come they weren't treating me like that? How come they
weren't giving me that? How come they weren't doing that
with me? Well, maybe they were, and maybe you just
weren't open to receive it. You know, it's hard because
as human beings, we make up in our mind what
things should look like, how people should be, how we
should get this or get that, or do this or
do that, And the truth is we have no clue.
(02:31):
Sometimes we don't know what to pray for. We don't
know what love looks like because we've had past experiences
and we keep going into our file cabinet and pulling
out those experiences and comparing them to what we have
and what we're doing right now, and we can be
totally off the mark and in pursuing those little human demands,
(02:59):
if you will. Sometimes we let the good one get away,
and sometimes we're the good one and somebody will let
us get away, and they do it in such a
horrific pattern, a horrific process, to when they come back
and say I made a mistake. I want you back,
We're like, uh uh no, done with you done. That
(03:21):
door is closed, that portal is no longer available. So
we want to talk about that today. Did you let
the good one get away? And if so, why? And
are you the good one who got away? And if so,
how did that happen? So that we can explore some
of the humanness that we use to destroy our relationships,
(03:47):
both with ourselves and with other people. So I've got
some callers today who have that experience. Here's my first caller. Greetings,
and welcome to the R spot. How could you let
(04:08):
him get away? Or maybe they let you get away?
Did you let the good one get away?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yes? I did, Yes, I did.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Tell me your tale of woe? How long ago was it?
Who wasn't? And what did you do?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It was a long time ago, But I was twenty two,
he was twenty six, a great man.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
We both were teachers at the time, and he took
care of everything. We lived together amazing relationships. I just
feel like.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
You know, everything was good, nothing was really wrong. I
just feel like I was young and he was older.
So I think that's why I let a good thing
get away. So you know, in my head, isn't okay
that you let a good thing get away? Because now
I feel like I am a better person.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
I love where I am right now, and you know,
I learned a lot within that relationship.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Okay, I need the dirt. Okay, how did what did
you do? You talk about he was older? That's four
years your twenty two, he's twenty sixcess four years. Why
did you think he was too old?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I don't know. I don't even know.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
It's just I think the mindset where our minds were,
and you know at that time, I guess I was
just turned twenty two.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
I'm not sure, but I just know.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
That I wasn't there yet, and he was more serious,
he was in a he was more just ready for
the home life. You know, a good woman, And yes
I was good.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
I just I just feel like I was just enjoying
life at twenty two.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
So what did you do? Did you put him out
or did you create arguments to get rid of him.
Did you could tell me give me the dirt, give.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
It to me.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
I don't know. I think we grew apart, but I
do know so I started meaning other.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
People all.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
But uh, you know, I just think I was living life,
just seeing everything that was out there.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Okay, so you were too young. You were too young?
Speaker 4 (06:19):
Yes, yeah, I was too young.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
But I do feel like he was good, you know,
even now I'm forty five. I'll be forty five and
now I'm like, where is he?
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Where I need somebody just like this?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Oh my god, So you don't know where he is.
You haven't seen him since?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
No, I haven't.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Did you? Did you google him?
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Separate ways?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Okay, well what did you learn? You said you learn
some some things. What did you learn?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
I learned for myself that I just needed to grow.
I just needed to grow within the relationships, just within
myself because now, you know, I want what I have
before and I haven't found a person that.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Can give me, you know, the attention, because he gave
me a lot of attention and everything. But again, like
I said, I feel like my mindset wasn't there. I
enjoyed the relationship. Nothing negative really happened.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
We just parted ways. It's just that I wasn't ready
and now I'm ready. Now I'm ready, And that's pretty
sad to me.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
That's sad. You know. It takes years to realize. Okay,
I let a good thing to get away.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Well you didn't know it was good.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
You know.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Sometimes we want things and we a don't believe we
can have them, so when they show up, we tell ourselves, this,
ain't it. That's number one and number two may not.
There may be a seed within us as of undeservedness.
Oh I don't deserve this. Why is this happening? You know?
(07:55):
And then here's the big one. No, this can't be true.
He's got to be something got to be wrong with him,
and I'm not sticking around. It's too good, Yeah, too
good to be true. And now you can't find it. Well,
it's out there, trust it. Yes it is. It is.
(08:17):
If it it wasn't out there, you wouldn't want it.
And that's something that we have to. If you spot it,
you got it. So if you can spot or identify
what it is that you want and desire, you know,
it was the wrong timing for you. So perhaps that
(08:39):
you stayed together you would have you know, fought or
broke up or whatever, and it really would have went downhill.
Here at least you exercised your own free will and
walked away. But it's out there, and I know it's hard.
In today's world, we think that they will never find it.
And that the thought that keeps it away, thinking it's
(09:04):
not out there while you are looking for it, we'll
keep it from finding you.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Call it in.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
I'm ready. I'm ready to share my life. I'm ready
to share my heart, and you know, God forgive my language.
I'm ready to share my bed. But call it in.
And this is the other part. Know this, Had he
been the right one, he wouldn't have left. He wouldn't
(09:43):
have he would have been willing to fight for the relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
So what do you want now?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
What I want to know? What I had before?
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Well, no, no, let's close that file, cabinet, Let's take
that file out, take it out, because what you had
before was something you couldn't receive. You don't want that again.
Do you see what I'm saying? What you had before
is something you couldn't receive. You don't want that. So
what do you want now? Lay it out? Give me
(10:13):
the details?
Speaker 3 (10:15):
What I want now is somebody who will love me
for me. I want, you know, somebody that I can
enjoy time with, who's been too god Somebody who like
to travel.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I'm fun, out going, and then I could be a
recluse as well. I could be in and I could
be out. I'm a cancer. So you know we got
this tell Oh yeah, yeah, so I could be in
and out.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
But I really want a relationship. You know that somebody
can love me for me. Who I am not putting
on the further side, putting on a mask, It's just me.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Well we all want that. We will all want to
be accepted for who we are. What I want to
incourage you to do is don't put it on a person.
Don't say I want someone, say I want to be
loved authentically. I want to be loved as I am.
I want a companion to travel with. I want someone
who knows fun. I also want someone who's not going
(11:16):
to be disturbed or upset when I need my own space.
I want someone who's settled in their own life, someone
who has their own vision. I want someone I can
build a dream and a vision with, someone I can
build a life with. Or I want to experience that.
But if you say I want somebody to do these things,
(11:39):
that means that you have a construct in there that
they have to live up to, as opposed to I
want a relationship where this is what I experience, where
I experience companionship where I experience, you know, the joy
of traveling. I want a relationship where I feel I
can be authentic and honest. I want a relation whiphip
(12:00):
where I can also have my me time. I want
a relationship where I experience generosity and security and safety.
That's the kind of relationship I want it, and I
want it with a man who's between this age and
that age.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
I mean, then you get specific.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Oh yeah, now that sound like a book I won't.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Yeah, or what I see myself, And that's even better
when you can see yourself in a relationship. I see
myself in a relationship where I'm accepted for who I am.
I see myself in a relationship where I'm traveling and
I'm having fun, you know what I mean? Because again,
(12:48):
if you make it them, if they don't do it
the way that you think it should be done, you
know you may not recognize it again when it comes.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yes, So Oh, well, what if you have to put
you have to put yourself in that position to be
ready to also receive as well, because I think that's
what some of us don't do either. Just be ready
for it.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Well, I'm ready for a relationship where I'm accepted for
who I am. I see myself in and I'm ready
to experience, you know, total acceptance. I see myself in
and I'm ready to accept. You know. That can be
a journaling exercise, that can be affirmations, that can be
(13:38):
your vision board, that can be so many ways that
you created so that you don't let another good one
get away. But you want to be careful because what
would it look like to you if somebody accepted you
for who you are? What would that look like? You
got to know because you may think you can wear
(13:59):
your whole raggedy pajamas to bed and with you know,
your hair standing up over your head and that's who
you are. And your partner may say, God, could you
could you get a nice nightgown? And that may strike
you as well, why can't you just accept me and
my holy pajamas with my hair standing on top of
my head?
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Okay, so you got you gotta you know, if somebody
come to me.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
But somebody loving you for who you are as you
are doesn't necessarily mean that they'll always agree with you,
because some of your stuff may be crazy as hell.
Suppose you're a Republican and they're a Democrat, they're a
Democrat and you're a Republican. Or you're an independent, or
you you know whatever, you're a Christian and there universalist.
(14:49):
That doesn't mean that they can't love you with who
you are. So just be mindful that somebody loving you
and accepting you is who you are doesn't mean that
you're all going to always agree and that you'll always
want the same things in the same way. But in
the places that it matters, Can you trust them with
your heart? Do you feel safe with them? They? Are
(15:10):
they generous with you? Do they have a sense of humor?
I mean, whatever it is that matters to you, because
the good one may not always agree with you, but
that doesn't mean that they're not exactly what you want.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (15:26):
It is.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Well, don't say that, okay, go journal, go journal, make
you a vision born and then get on a dating site. No, no, no,
I'm just kidding that the good one exactly. The good
one is out there. The good one is out there,
and they'll find you. And when you start vibrating where
they're vibrating because there's somebody, a nice person out there
(15:49):
who wants to travel, who has a good sense of humor,
who's generous, who has their own vision, who can support
you and your vision. It's out there. I promise you.
If it wasn't, you wouldn't want it. If it was,
since you wouldn't want it. Okay, all right, well, listen,
there are six billion people on the planet. One of
(16:09):
them is looking for you. Call him in, Call him in. Okay, yes, ma'am,
all right, thank you, thank you. Okay. Yeah, it happens.
We let the good one get away, and then we
(16:32):
spend the rest of our life trying to find it.
But remember his point is important. If it was really
for you, it would not have gone away. And also
know that if it's for you and you're willing to
hang in there with it, you'll work out those little differences.
(16:54):
And don't think that the good one is the one
that agrees with you all the time, sees things exactly
the way you see that in relationships, we need that
polarity we need the maximizer and the minimizer. We need
the recluse and the social person. We need the loud
mouth and the quiet person. You need that polarity in relationships.
(17:16):
They say opposites are track, opposites are trac and sometimes
we will attract our opposite and because they're not doing
what we do the way we do it, we think
that they are not the right one. Yeah, And in
relationships sometimes you have to fight for what it is
that you want. So know what the right one is
(17:37):
and know that even when the right one comes along,
there are going to be points of tension, things you
have to work on, things you have to work through.
And that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. And we'll
talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to
(17:58):
the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Welcome
back to the R Spot. I am a online today.
We are looking at a very interesting topic. Did you
let the good one get away? Or are you the
good one that got away? Okay, the good one? What
is the good one? We're looking at that. We're examining that.
(18:18):
What does it mean that the person is good for you?
Is it because they're giving you what you want and
denying themselves? Does it mean that they always agree with
you and they don't have a point of view on
their own? What is the good one? And did you
let it get away? Let me see what my next
caller has to say. Greetings, and welcome to the R spot.
(18:47):
We are talking today about the good one that got away?
Did you let the good one get away? Or are
you the good one who got away?
Speaker 4 (18:54):
I let get away?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Did you? I want to hear what did you do?
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Well?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
It was like a high school sweetheart, and we didn't
see each other a whole lot after high school and
I joined the military, so he came looking for me,
and my mom told me I was in a Korea,
and she said someone came by looking for you, but
I did not remember their name, so I was like, well,
(19:22):
I don't know who that was. So I would say
twenty or so years later, Wow, I moved back to
my home hometown and me and my granddaughter were in
the grocery store and I heard someone behind me. He says,
I got you. Now you are not going to get away,
(19:43):
And when I turned around.
Speaker 4 (19:45):
I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
It was the type of person in high school, you
being young.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
You don't know anything about love.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
But in his presence I would always smile. I'm not
a smiler, he would just he had just such a
beautiful spirit and it would always make me smile. And
there was something about his eyes. I said, you know,
I think you're looking through me, and don't you know
I wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (20:15):
It was just so uncomfortable. I knew it was something there,
but I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 5 (20:19):
So we got.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
A chance to reconnect for about a year and a half,
and unfortunately he passed away.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Oh well, you didn't let him get away. He left.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Well, to me, I feel like he got away because
that was the only person. You know, how you just
have a connection with someone that you don't experience with
anyone else.
Speaker 4 (20:46):
I'm fifty eight and ready to be fifty nine. And
he passed away in twenty twenty seventeen, and right after that,
my father passed away. I was just caregiver. We met
at the same like twenty fifteen, my friend came back
(21:09):
into my life, and then immediately after that I had
to go and get my father because his current wife
was ill and my father had dementia and it developed
into Parkinson's. So I had two loves of my life
lead me back to back, and COVID happened during that time, okay,
(21:32):
And I always say, you know, God, why did you
bring him back for such a short period of time.
It's like he opened up my heart because I'm a
single mother, grown with kids, who wasn't interested in the
date and just to live in life and to have
you know, your whole heart opened from a very special person.
(21:55):
And then you know, I appreciate the time, but it's
really been.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Hard because you're still holding on. You're holding on and
how have you tried? What have you done? You know,
we're looking at how did you let the good one
get away? And in your particular case, it wasn't that
you let him get away. It's that his contract expired,
(22:23):
and the contract was with life, it wasn't with you.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Yes, And during our time together, he would always say,
you know, had an illness. And he would always say,
if you don't hear from me in a certain period
of time, you know something has happened. And it really
(22:50):
I would ask him why, you know, I would talk
to him about his health and what he was doing
and what did the doctor say, and he would shut down,
and you know, we go through periods, and he went
and mentioned it, and all of a sudden he would
mention it again. And our love connection was so strong.
Because he was admitted into the hospital, I think he
(23:12):
had to start having a cluster of strokes. And the
day he died, I was at home by myself with
my father and I was going to the other side
of the house to check on him. And I felt
it and I was like, oh no, lord, I'm like,
I'm here by myself with my dad. There was nobody
to call nine one one, what is it? And later
(23:34):
on that afternoon I got the phone call. And when
he left this world, I felt that.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
How beautiful is that? That's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
You know.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
I have a friend and she had a love like that.
They were together, they were separated, they came back together
and they went to the restaurant to eat and he
went in the bathroom and had a asthma attack and
died right in the bathroom or the restaurant. You know,
he left his body. And the thing that she said,
you know, she was sad for a long time, but
(24:11):
you know what she said, she said, he taught me
how to love unconditionally, and what unconditional love felt like
so after that many you know, several years after that,
she met someone else and she said, I know he
(24:32):
loves me unconditionally because it felt the same way it
felt when Shafi loved me. What if this person was
just showing you what it really feels like to be
loved so that you could share it with somebody else
instead of being remorseful that he isn't here anymore, Why
(24:56):
aren't you holding it? Okay, I know what love feels like,
not what it looks like, what the person says or does,
but what it feels like. Have you ever considered that?
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (25:07):
Yes I have.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It's just unfortunately I haven't experienced that. I've tried, and
I'm currently trying to date. But you have all those feelings.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
And I have all those feelings.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Yes I have.
Speaker 4 (25:30):
You know the feelings of what love is and how
it is supposed to feel, what it looks like. And
I tell him all the time, I said, you just
opened me up at a time where I guess, you know,
I need it to be but I just thought it
would last. And it's like the people that I've come
in contact with. Unfortunately, it is just I don't know
(25:55):
what's going on?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
What?
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Because you're comparing as opposed to receiving. And we'll talk
about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You know,
(26:18):
my last partner passed away also, and sometimes I have
to say, listen, you don't get to occupy this space
in my heart anymore. I get to continue to love you,
but you don't get to occupy this space of my
time in my heart. My heart has to be open
for someone else. Now I'm consciously choosing not to date
(26:41):
at this moment. But if you hold him in your
heart in a way where you're comparing what shows up
to what you had, you're never going to find it.
Because God is not I mean, everybody is different and
in life, you know, apples may look alike, but everyone
(27:02):
is unique. So if you're comparing this apple to that apple,
you're never going to find the first apple again. But
you can find a good apple.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
I'm trying to find a good.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Apple, okay, but are you comparing That's the thing. Oh no,
this doesn't look like this, This doesn't sound like this,
this doesn't feel like this. But what is this that
I am feeling is this love, is it? Yeah, but
don't compare.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I think I do compare. But it's like I would say,
starting over again, And if it's not going to be
the same.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Then I don't want it. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
It's not like I don't want it because I want it.
It's just but how do you make the transition?
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Ask him to help you find someone? How to ask
him to help you find someone? He's an angel, he's
a you got a friend at a high place. Ask
him to help you find someone that'll give you a
new experience of love. You've had his love already. How
about a new experience of love? How about that?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
And to help me find it? Because he comes around.
I know when he comes around, and it's like certain
spiritual discernments you know you have them, but then you
know you be like, okay, but you know, so I
have that knowing and I know you know when he's around,
(28:36):
and it's like, is that going to be with me
for the rest of my life?
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah? Because you're holding on to it. He's occupying a
space in your heart when nobody else can get in.
Let me, you said he passed away. He made this
transition in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Are you the same as you were in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
In what regard?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
In any regard? Are your boobs the same sides?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Did you?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
But the same sides? Do you like the same things?
Have you changed since twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
In some ways but not very many?
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Oh well that's a problem.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Well, you know, taking care of my dad. It's only
been this year and things have changed. Spiritually, I'm maturing
more in these I constantly am doing the work like
get over it. I mean, I live currently living a home.
(29:33):
It's like when my dad came, I was in an apartment,
so I had to get a home. My friend was
the one that got in contact with the relatives, so
these memories and memories of him, I've had to deal
with him at the same time. So I've had a
lot of stuff. I thank God every day I'm just
(29:55):
have a sound mind because it was really rough. And
then during that time, COVID came about where you were,
you know, basically shut down. So I've had to grieve
and try to get back to myself. And I just say.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
Maybe last year I was like, Okay, it's time for
you to do something.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Successfully.
Speaker 5 (30:23):
So that's where I'm at and again if people come
into our life beloved for a reason, a season, or a.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Lifetime, and sometimes people come in for all three. So
let's just say that the prince came into your life
to teach you how to love, to teach you how
to receive love, to teach you what unconditional love looked like.
That's the reason he came into your life. But that
(30:55):
reason only lasted a season. The season was that year
and a half that you two were together, and then
that season ended. Now, him and your dad, they gave
you a lifetime. The memories and the joy and the connection.
That's a lifetime. But you need to put that in
a hat box up on the shelf where you can
(31:19):
pull it out and not wear it in June like
it's a winter coat. Okay, does that make sense? You know,
sometimes you gotta kiss the frog. So the question, because
how many frogs do I have to kiss until I
(31:39):
meet the prince? As many as show up, that's how
many frogs you have to get. And you don't have
the tongue kiss them, just kiss them on the lip lightly.
Don't be tongue kissing the frogs until you know it's
a prince. Okay, but keep those memories their lifetimes. And
(32:02):
you go there and you open the box and you
remember what he looked like and what he smelt like,
and what he said, and you have a few moments,
maybe shed a tear or laugh a little. Then put
that stuff back in the box, put it back up
on the shelf. Yeah, and you'll practice and you'll learn, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Because I think one of your shows changing your need
to a desire. Yes, because I guess if I'm giving
off the oh woe is me? That up lonely, then
that's what you with. Those are the little frogs that
have been coming.
Speaker 4 (32:37):
To the case.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Yeah, you got it, You got it. They have frogs
like frogs like pity. They will hop right in your
lap and you're saying woe is me, and they're saying, well,
look at me, I'm a frog, I'm green, I'm down
here on the ground. They'll be right in the pity
party with you. You got some more experience, you have some
(33:00):
greater gifts. You you've shifted, you've changed. So be the
princess that you are today and look for the king,
the prince or the king that can love you as
you are today, even if you got to kiss some frog,
like I said, don't tongue kiss them, and in your
(33:23):
quiet time, in your prayer, because I hear you're doing
the work. Surrender to the Holy Spirit the belief that
because you have it once, I can never have it again.
Surrender that. Give that over to the Holy Spirit because
it's in there. Yeah, all right, Princess, I want to hear.
(33:50):
I want to hear. And don't count them frogs. Just
kiss them, see what happens, and then let them go
if they're not, if they don't have no prince qualities
I have. Okay, all right, my love, thank you so
much for calling. Okay, bye bye. How many frogs do
(34:14):
you have to kiss until you meet the prince? As
many as it takes. But don't go slobbering all up
in the frog's mouth and rubbing them on your boobs.
Just kiss a little bit and see what happens. Okay,
And don't measure this frog with that frog. You know,
you may get a bullfrog or a croak of frog.
(34:35):
You may get a young frog or an old frog.
Just kiss the frogs and see what happens. Alrighty, the
good one that got away. Sometimes they don't get away.
Sometimes we chase them away. Sometime they leave because their
season and our life is up. Sometimes they leave because
we're not ready, and it could be a belief that
(34:55):
we don't deserve it, or this isn't right, or there's
something better, all sorts of things. And sometimes you're the
good one and they'll let you go because they're not ready.
This is the premise. Write this down, Write this down. Okay,
nothing is perfect. This is a Buddhist principle that I
(35:17):
learned and I practice. Nothing is perfect. That means no
one is perfect, and no relationship is going to be perfect,
and nothing is permanent. Nothing is going to stay the
way it was back in fifty six. Everything is changing
all the time. Nothing is perfect, nothing is permanent, and
(35:39):
nothing is personal. It ain't personal. If they're not living
up to your expectations, it ain't personal. If you're not
living up to their expectations, it ain't personal. It's just
the way life is on folding. It ain't perfect, it
ain't permanent, and it ain't personal. I hope you've heard
(36:04):
something today that you can use to make you or
your relationship better. Even if the good one got away,
look for the lesson and grow it into something new
and be willing to kiss some frogs or some frog ads.
Thank you for joining me today and I'll see you
next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not
(36:28):
in pieces.
Speaker 6 (36:29):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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