October 4, 2023 • 40 mins
When two callers join Iyanla for conversations about their problems with family, Iyanla gets to the heart of the issue: Both women are dealing with learned behaviors where they put everyone else’s happiness above their own. The first caller has given up her career, friends and her life across the country to move home and take care of her grandfather, when her mother and aunt live nearby themselves. The second caller believes she has no self-confidence, thinking that her abusive childhood led her to not believe in herself. In two heart-tugging conversations, Iyanla shares the mantra: Your joy is your own responsibility.
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This is a rebroadcast of Episode 25
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:38):
Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related by blood, related
by mine, related by heart, related by soul, related by blood,
related by heart, related by soul, but also related by dysfunction,
(01:03):
related by habit, related by obligation, related by the patterns
that we saw and heard and learned by watching other
family members. And even when we can see quite clearly
that the patterns that we learn that the things that
(01:25):
we saw don't work for us, we may not have
the knowledge, to strength or the information required to live
beyond the family relationships. And it's difficult to try to
figure out how not to get hung up on the
(01:48):
very same things that you see other people in your
family hung up on. Family relationships. They're difficult, they're challenging,
and they can be healed. It's going to take some work,
and sometimes it's going to take your willingness and know
that when you do that, they are going to be
(02:10):
in high pisosity, but you can survive. My first caller
has a very common family relationship. Take a listen. Good afternoon, beloved,
Welcome to the R Spot. What is your issue, challenge,
relationship dilemma that we can discuss and nibble on today.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Good afternoon. My dilemma is my relationship with my family,
my spouse, my friends. I feel like I have to
do a lot of people pleasing, not necessarily what I
want to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow.
(02:58):
Like my life path, I feel like I'm not able
to follow what I want to do as far as
my career goes where I want to live, Like they
just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to
do too much.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Tell me what you mean when you say not able
to follow.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. I was
pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a small city,
so I kind of felt like I had reached a cylinder.
So I made a you know, a personal decision to
relocate to Houston, a place that's much bigger from where
I'm from. And once I moved there, I feel like
(03:44):
I became way more happier, Like I felt like a
lot of the weight that I was carrying being back home,
Like I lost my grandmother back home, and that's who
raised me. So I just felt like I had a
lot of weight for me being back home. I wasn't happy.
I wasn't really happy with the relationship that my family
had with one another, so I wanted to move away
(04:07):
from that.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I did.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I was happy my business was going more so in
the direction that I wanted it to go, and then
my family called me to return home to help take
care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant.
I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I
literally shut down my salon. I left my other jobs
(04:32):
that I had in Houston, like I left everything. I
left my home, my new friends, like everything that I
had made for myself. I just I left it.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Why did you leave everything because your family called? Why
did you do that?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Well? Because my grandparents raised me. I wasn't raised by
my parents, so I kind of felt like I was
obligated to come back and take care of my grandfather
since he is the person who raised me.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
That was the only option you saw is to leave
everything that I built and created and go back home
out of obligation.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Yes, who called you my mother and my aunt?
Speaker 1 (05:16):
And is that her father?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
That's their father yet?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
And so why didn't they do it?
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Interesting, So what exactly is the problem because I'm not
hearing the problem.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Well, I'm just it's kind of what I already expected
since I've come back home.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is is gone, like
all the confidence that I had gained being in the
newer environment.
Speaker 5 (05:46):
Like I just felt like.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I last, Do.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
You understand that you are in the situation you're in
because of the choice that you made, And the choice
that you made was to give up on yourself or
give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation. Yeah,
now that was a choice because you could have brought
your grandfather to where you are.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
I tried.
Speaker 5 (06:17):
They wouldn't allow it.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
What does that mean you? I've asked you that question before.
They won't allow it? You mean the people that didn't
want to take care of him, the people that they
called you, wouldn't allow you to do what they wouldn't.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (06:35):
It's hard to explain with my family, like I'm the
one that steps up and does a lot of things.
But at the same time they don't I don't know,
they don't want to actually give me credit for the
things I do do and then do what I do
do things by this move that I made that was
(06:56):
huge to me. To them, it's kind of my not
like they look at it like, well, this is where
you're from, you know, it's what you should do, and
just look at it that way, like what I have
planned and the things that I want is not really
important to them.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Well, you know, beloved, the things that are important to
you will not be important to anyone else until they
are important to you. And when they are important to you,
then you will make choices that support what's best for you.
(07:37):
Right now, you're turning over your life to other people
and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yeah,
this was your choice, so you turned it over to them.
You want them to think that what you built in
Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it
was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They
(07:59):
didn't take.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
It, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
This role of rescuer, this role of people pleasing, as
you say, is that a role that you volunteered for
or one that you were assigned.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Uh, kind of both. I'm the oldest as far as
i'm the oldest child, I'm the oldest grandchild by me
being raised by my grandparents.
Speaker 5 (08:24):
Of course they were a little older, so that responsibility
role it was kind of just rolled on to me
as a kid, and I'm just I've kept it.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
But how's that working for you?
Speaker 3 (08:37):
It's nice?
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Well, it must be because you keep doing it. It's
interesting how roles that we are assigned or roles that
we volunteer for, and then when we outgrow them, we
don't know how to stand in the new person that
we are. And I kind of hear that's what's going
on for you, that you don't know how to stand
(09:01):
for yourself, so you lean on others and then when
they lean back, you get upset about it. But here's something,
and I really want you to hear this. I want
you to hear this. I want to say this with
as much love and respect as possible. Okay, yes, and
always know I'm never talking about anybody from a judgmental place,
(09:26):
but I just want to bring sometimes you need a
little cold water in your face. You ready for a
little dash of cold water. Yes, okay, your mother didn't
raise you and now she's asking you to take care
of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh,
(09:50):
but you volunteered to participate.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
I heard you say that growing up, you had to
take care of the kids and you had to take
care of of the household. So your primary responsibility was
to other people?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
And how does that make you feel? That your primary
responsibility in your life is to other people? How does
that make you feel?
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Sometimes I feel good because I know that I am
helping others, But a lot of times I just feel empty,
like I just feel like I'm not doing anything for me.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Well, you can't if other people are more important in
your life than you are. And it sounds like you
never grew the muscle of taking care of you. You
were programmed and patterned to take care of other people.
We could talk forever, but if you're not willing to
do something different, you're going to stay right where you are.
(10:58):
So I want you to hear this, and then I
want you to tell me what you're willing to do
about it. If you don't enjoy your life, other people will.
We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome
(11:19):
back to the r spot. We are continuing our conversation
about the fact that other people are enjoying your life
more than you are. And don't hear me saying you
got to abandon your grandfather but there are so many
other possibilities. What are you willing to do about the
(11:40):
fact that other people are enjoying your life more than
you are because of the choices you have made.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
I believe the main thing I need to do is
start telling people.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Uh huh, you're living the classic example of if you
don't have a strong no, you will have a week
yes if you say if you don't say no to
the things you don't want, you won't be able to
stand in the things that you do want. So you
didn't say no when you were summoned back home, and
(12:16):
now you can't stand in being back home and doing
what you agreed to do. So there's a very important
skill that you have to learn here and I it's
going to take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement.
Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back
(12:39):
home and care for your grandfather. You did it out
of obligation not out of desire. So now everyone is
bought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it.
How can you renegotiate that agreement?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I'm trying say, it's hard. I'm trying to tell them,
you know, I'll give you that is a year, and then,
you know, I need to return back to where I was,
and that's kind of where it's stuck at. You know.
As soon as I get to that, then I'm hitting
with all the you know, well, we just don't understand
why you don't want to be here. It's not that bad,
(13:15):
and because.
Speaker 5 (13:16):
I don't want to be looked bad as the bad guy?
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Why not? Why don't you want to be looked at
as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes, bad guys
brush their teeth, bad guys can make money. Bad guys
can do everything everybody else can do. Because you are
do any of the people that you're talking to have
a business. People will hold you to the vision that
(13:41):
they have of you and for you, and then get
mad at you when you try to live beyond that.
Speaker 5 (13:49):
Yes, and I feel like that's exactly what has happened.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So what are you willing to do about it? That's
the question. You know exactly what the situation is. You've
volunteered for the position of taking care of people. You
have given them the right to limit and structure your life.
You've made an agreement that you are unable or unwilling
(14:17):
to keep and and this is huge, This is huge.
You are the one who made it out, and the
one who makes it out carries a lot of guilt
because I'm not going to tell you that they're wrong
and you're right. I'm not telling you that. I'm telling
you that you gave them permission and you participate and
(14:41):
other people making choices for you in your life. You
did that, So the only way to undo it is
for you to make some new choices.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Right, And I agree. I think the main thing I
need to do is the Giant Prize. I will do
it again. To be honest with everybody.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
About what it is said.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Well, part of it is stop explaining yourself. That's the
first step. This is what I'm doing, and I'm doing
it for me. I don't need your approval. I'd love
your support, but I'm going to do it one way
or the other. You don't need their approval. At thirty
three years old, you're in the critical time of your life.
(15:30):
It's the christ years where you get to make choices
and decisions for your hiring greater good. You do not
need their approval because a family tree, you can put
a noose around your neck, yes, and you either get
to jump off the ledge and hang yourself or you
(15:50):
get to take the noose off. But you've got to
be willing. It may not happen, but you have to
be willing to lose everything in order to gain yourself.
And it's hard to say that when you're talking about family,
but I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for
(16:11):
this role, You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices
that allowed them to enjoy your life more than you
enjoy it. You are the one that made it out.
And now you're allowing guilt to call you back. It
doesn't matter what it used to be. You used to
(16:31):
be one hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yeah,
do you want to pick that hundred pounds back up?
And no, well you already did. You already picked up
your grandfather, you picked up your mother, you picked up
your aunt, you picked up the rest of the family.
Because you don't want to be the bad guy, bad,
(16:52):
Do you have a red dress? Do you have a
really fancy, I mean, deliciously gorgeous red dress.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
No, you need to get one.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
You need to get one because bad guys wear red.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Okay, and it's my favorite color.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
And I'm gonna hold a good thought for you.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Okay, Okay, all.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Right, love, thank you for calling. Best of luck to you,
Bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy
to the truth. If you tell people the truth of
what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they
(17:36):
just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in
our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell,
the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid.
She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't.
She calls it, I can't, they won't let me. But
(17:56):
the truth of the matter is it's simply a family
that she's been taught and trained to live in and
live up to. And she doesn't have the muscle to
do something different, not yet. Oh, but all things are possible,
and my next caller is learning all about family habits.
(18:17):
Take a listen, Greetings, beloved, welcome to the art spot,
And what is your relationship, trauma, difficulty, problem, upset, break
down so that we can have a breakthrough today.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
Okay, first, let me just say it's an honor speaking
with you. So my issue with self doubt and self
confidence is just the fact that I'm filled with self
doubt and I have no self confidence. I think it
comes from the trauma that I experienced in my life,
Like my family was just filled with like violence and
(18:55):
just like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when
I was very young, they put a lot of responsibility
on me to be the mediator in the family, to
be the soother in the family, to be the nurturer
in the family. And it felt like I wasn't seen
or heard unless I was feeling exactly what they wanted
me to do, and if I wasn't, it was as
(19:17):
if I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I
thought didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just
become a situation of just like I don't know what
direction my life should go based on what I want
and what I feel. And each time I have like, Okay,
this is what I want, it's like everyone around me
is just like, oh, you're not going to be able
(19:37):
to do it. You're you know you're not going to
be successful at that, and it's like I just crumble
and I don't know what to do with that.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I heard you say that you have no self confidence.
Is that accurate?
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (19:50):
I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute
confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yespecial would
that be accu So it's not that you don't have confidence,
it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place.
You're putting it in the pattern that you learned. You're
(20:10):
putting it in the pathology that you lived. So now
you are doing to yourself the very things that you
hold that they did to you. Can you see that
I can now?
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah. So the same dysfunctional people that put you or
supported you in being in the place that you're in,
why would you discuss with them your vision and dreams
for yourself knowing that that's not how they see you.
(20:50):
Why do you want their validation? Why do you want
their support? What will it do for you? The people
that expose you to violence, physical and emotional trauma and abuse,
why do you want their support. I'm not saying you
you shouldn't want it. I'm just asking you, why do
you want it?
Speaker 3 (21:10):
I don't know. I don't know. I guess because then
I guess I'm so worthy, like I'm drawing a blank.
I really don't know.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
What I just want to support you in doing is
getting to the root. Getting to the root, because what
happens is we get a thought and we think it
over and over, even when we don't know that we're
thinking it. We think it over and over, and then
it gets rooted in the soil of our minds, and
(21:46):
then it grows into a flower or a tree, or
a bush or weeds. And you know, weeds kill off everything.
They travel through the through the ground and the earth,
and they'll kill off everything. So I think that you
are war weeds. Okay, let's see if we can break
down and uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay,
(22:10):
we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said.
I was taught family is the most important thing. How
(22:32):
do you define family?
Speaker 3 (22:34):
I define family as the people who know you best, and.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I mean the people that keep telling you you can't
do what you want to do, the people who are
telling you that you'll fail in your dreams and your
wishes because they know you best. The ones that subjected
you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse, those are people who
know you best.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
No, No, they don't.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
But that's what you're saying. Yeah, have they taken the
time to know you?
Speaker 5 (23:09):
No, not me.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Have they taken the time to find out what's important
to you?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
No?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
So let me give you a definition of family, because
I think very often we think of family with some illustrious,
almost magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of
a common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood,
(23:44):
born one from another from a common ancestor. So on
your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines
came together, and then you have a common ancestor with
your father, your grandfather. You know, your father, his father,
his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor.
(24:06):
There's nothing in the description of family that says you
have to support each other, that you need their validation,
that you can't move without them, that you're obligated to
stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of family
that says anything about that you it's two or more
(24:29):
people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who live together,
that's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this
whole notion of you need their support and they've got
that they have to support you number one, that they
should support you, number two, that they will support you
(24:52):
number three, that's something that we made up, okay, and
we'd like it to be that they support us, that
they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they
start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological
(25:13):
trauma and abuse, chances are that's unless everybody does the work,
that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over,
but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful.
So to everybody else is listening that's heard it, please
forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a drug
(25:35):
addict from the time he was sixteen years old, and
he he because we too were subjected to psychological and
emotional trauma in our home. I was subjected to physical abuse,
(25:55):
both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and I grew
up in a household where there was domestic violence. And
so I really, through the grace of God source Creator,
just was able to live beyond that. He drowned it
(26:16):
his pain in drugs and alcohol, and he wanted me
to do that with him. He wanted to tell the
same old story about how bad it was, how horrible
it was, what they did to him, what they did
to us, blah blah blah. And I had done my
work and I just wasn't there. And one day I
found the courage. I don't know, must have been in
(26:37):
my toenail. I found the courage to say to him,
I'm not going to talk about that no more. I
don't want to talk about that. I don't see it
that way, I don't feel it that way, I don't
live it that way. And if you want to continue
talking about how bad it was back then, it's not
(26:58):
going on now. So I don't want to talk about
it if it's not going on now. And he said
to me, you are so stupid. I said, well, if
that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk.
And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't
talk to my brother for five years, five long years.
This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother.
(27:21):
But in that five years, I made a commitment to
myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I had been
taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost
me my relationship with my brother, I want it more
for myself. And it's not easy because I lost him,
(27:46):
I lost my nephews, I lost you, my only tie
to my family because our parents were dead.
Speaker 5 (27:54):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
The thing that I learned in that is that I
was so wedded or married to the belief that it
couldn't get better, that I couldn't see the ways that
it could.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Yeah, and that's exactly where I am.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right now, and somehow through grace and mercy, you know,
It's like one of the reasons my brother could continuously
do drugs and alcohol was because he hung out with
people who did drugs and alcohol. And one of the
reasons I continued to hurt was because I hung out
with people who were hurting. And when I stopped, when
(28:39):
I stopped hanging out with people who were hurting, I
stopped hurting. It was magic. And it's not going to
be easy. It's not going to be easy, and they
are not going to agree with you, and it's okay
if they don't, because the greatest, the greatest, well, I
(29:04):
don't want to say the word revenge. But the greatest
thing you can do is demonstrate to yourself and them
that it doesn't have to be that way. You've got
to demonstrate that. And they're not going to agree with you,
and they may not support you, and it's not going
to be easy, and that's okay. You must be ready.
(29:27):
Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me, because I'm gonna give
it to you straight, no chaser.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
And I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Tell me what scares you about that? Tell me what
frightens you about what you're hearing me say.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
What frightens me is being alone.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't
be alone. It's six billion people on the planet, some
of them want to know you. It's not being alone,
it's being without them. Okay, because being with them is
something that you said earlier, which is a habit. And
(30:05):
habits are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break,
they really are, but they can be broken.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
So you have a habit of not being supported, You
have a habit of not being heard, You have a
habit of not being seen. You have a habit of
not having what you want to the degree that you
don't even believe that what you want is important. You
have a habit of not being important. You have a
habit of not mattering. So those are habits.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
How do I break the habits?
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Well, you know as a coach what I would say
to you. The first way you have to go about
breaking a habit is to avoid tempting situations, the situations
that will tempt you to do the very thing you've
always done. You said, when you I try to tell
(31:02):
them what I want, they tell me you can't do that.
You'll never do that. So you have to avoid that
situation of telling them what you want. That's the first thing, okay,
because that's an unhealthy behavior.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
The second thing you have to do is you have
to prepare yourself mentally for the worst possible scenario. And
we can do that right now. Okay, Okay, so let's
go here. In order for you to stand up for yourself,
to grow self value, self worth, and self confidence, you
(31:41):
will have to step away from from your family. Oh okay, Okay,
take a breath. So I want you to say this
with me, repeat it, and complete it. Okay. I'm gonna
give you a stem of a sentence. I want you
to repeat that stem and then complete it with the
(32:01):
first thought that comes up in your mind. And it
doesn't have to make sense. Don't try to make it
make sense. Okay. If I step away from my family,
say that.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
If I step away from my family.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
What will happen is?
Speaker 3 (32:18):
What will happen is I will learn to stand on
my own.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
And if I learn to stand on my own.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
And if I learn to stand on my.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Own, what will happen is?
Speaker 3 (32:35):
What will happen is I could actually be happy.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
And if I'm happy, what will happen is?
Speaker 3 (32:48):
And if I'm happy, well, what happen is I'll grow?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
And if I grow, what will happen.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
Is I grow? What will happened is I can be
what I choose to be and not what others want
me to be.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
And if I'm not what others want me to be,
say that.
Speaker 3 (33:15):
And if I'm not what others want me to.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Be, what will happen is?
Speaker 3 (33:20):
What will happen is I'll have to figure out what
I want to be. And if I figure out what
I want to be, what will happen is I'll have
to actually do it.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Ah, And if I actually have to do what I want.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
To do, I won't have any excuses.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Ah. And if I don't have any excuses.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
And if I don't have any excuses, what will happen
is I will have to take responsibility for my life.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Yeah. And that scares the be Jesus Oude of you
because you've never been responsible for your life. You've been
responsible to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten
up about the things that they failed at. Would that
be accurate, yes, ma'am Ah, good good for you, because
(34:22):
another way, another thing that you have to do to
break a habit is telling absolute truth. And there's some
truth that you just spoke that I want to bring
to your awareness that I'm afraid to take responsibility for
my life, so I give myself excuses not to rather
(34:44):
than run the risk of failing, because they have told
you that you'll fail, and that's where you put your
confidence in your failing.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
So, to break this habit of being irresponsible, because that's
what it is. To break the habit of giving yourself
excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power, for
your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid tempting situations.
(35:17):
That means the people you've got to prepare yourself mentally.
You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth. You have
to know what your triggers are, how do they trigger you?
And see, these are all muscles like in your mind
that you have to build. And you've got to exchange
(35:38):
every bad habit for good habits. So if you have
a habit of talking to them about what you're doing,
switch that and don't say anything. Put it in your journal,
find a friend, get a coach, get a mentor, talk
to them about it. Okay, you've got to know that
(35:59):
you'll slip back and forth. But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift,
and you've got to reward yourself for every small step.
This is a small step speaking to someone outside the
inner circle who's going to tell you something different. Celebrate
(36:23):
that you did a good thing. You did a good thing.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
I want you to write this down. My choices, my power,
my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power, my
joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's, not my father's,
(36:50):
not my brothers, not, my grandmother, not my auntie. My choices,
my power, my joy are my responsibility. Even when my
family doesn't agree. Ooh, okay, tell me what you hear
(37:10):
me saying, tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
I hear you saying that my choice is my power,
and my joy are my responsibility to take care of myself,
and I can't make anyone else responsible for me.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
You hear very well. I'm trying set a plan, a
vision for yourself. How do you want to be different
a year from now? And write those things down and
tell your friend about them.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
I could do that.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
Give yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time
and celebrate every little victory, and prepare yourself for all
of them to be pissed off with you, and know
that it won't kill them. Pisosity has never killed anybody.
Speaker 3 (38:07):
Yes, ma'am, Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
All right, my love, Good luck to you. Give me
a call and maybe in about three months and let
me know how you're doing.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
Yes, ma'am, I will.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to
break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits
are hard to break, but they can be broken. They
can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have
to do is let yourself know this is a habit,
(38:40):
and this is how the habit operates. And this is
how I enroll other people to participate in the habit
for me. Family habits they exist in every family. Sometimes
we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Ah responsibility,
your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility,
(39:04):
regardless of what's going on in your family as of today,
your joy is your job. Your joy is your job,
and you've got to work on it eight hours a day,
forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom.
(39:27):
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
(39:56):
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:38):
Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related by blood, related
by mine, related by heart, related by soul, related by blood,
related by heart, related by soul, but also related by dysfunction,
(01:03):
related by habit, related by obligation, related by the patterns
that we saw and heard and learned by watching other
family members. And even when we can see quite clearly
that the patterns that we learn that the things that
(01:25):
we saw don't work for us, we may not have
the knowledge, to strength or the information required to live
beyond the family relationships. And it's difficult to try to
figure out how not to get hung up on the
(01:48):
very same things that you see other people in your
family hung up on. Family relationships. They're difficult, they're challenging,
and they can be healed. It's going to take some work,
and sometimes it's going to take your willingness and know
that when you do that, they are going to be
(02:10):
in high pisosity, but you can survive. My first caller
has a very common family relationship. Take a listen. Good afternoon, beloved,
Welcome to the R Spot. What is your issue, challenge,
relationship dilemma that we can discuss and nibble on today.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Good afternoon. My dilemma is my relationship with my family,
my spouse, my friends. I feel like I have to
do a lot of people pleasing, not necessarily what I
want to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow.
(02:58):
Like my life path, I feel like I'm not able
to follow what I want to do as far as
my career goes where I want to live, Like they
just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to
do too much.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Tell me what you mean when you say not able
to follow.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. I was
pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a small city,
so I kind of felt like I had reached a cylinder.
So I made a you know, a personal decision to
relocate to Houston, a place that's much bigger from where
I'm from. And once I moved there, I feel like
(03:44):
I became way more happier, Like I felt like a
lot of the weight that I was carrying being back home,
Like I lost my grandmother back home, and that's who
raised me. So I just felt like I had a
lot of weight for me being back home. I wasn't happy.
I wasn't really happy with the relationship that my family
had with one another, so I wanted to move away
(04:07):
from that.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I did.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I was happy my business was going more so in
the direction that I wanted it to go, and then
my family called me to return home to help take
care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant.
I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I
literally shut down my salon. I left my other jobs
(04:32):
that I had in Houston, like I left everything. I
left my home, my new friends, like everything that I
had made for myself. I just I left it.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Why did you leave everything because your family called? Why
did you do that?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Well? Because my grandparents raised me. I wasn't raised by
my parents, so I kind of felt like I was
obligated to come back and take care of my grandfather
since he is the person who raised me.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
That was the only option you saw is to leave
everything that I built and created and go back home
out of obligation.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Yes, who called you my mother and my aunt?
Speaker 1 (05:16):
And is that her father?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
That's their father yet?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
And so why didn't they do it?
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Interesting, So what exactly is the problem because I'm not
hearing the problem.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Well, I'm just it's kind of what I already expected
since I've come back home.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is is gone, like
all the confidence that I had gained being in the
newer environment.
Speaker 5 (05:46):
Like I just felt like.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I last, Do.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
You understand that you are in the situation you're in
because of the choice that you made, And the choice
that you made was to give up on yourself or
give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation. Yeah,
now that was a choice because you could have brought
your grandfather to where you are.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
I tried.
Speaker 5 (06:17):
They wouldn't allow it.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
What does that mean you? I've asked you that question before.
They won't allow it? You mean the people that didn't
want to take care of him, the people that they
called you, wouldn't allow you to do what they wouldn't.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (06:35):
It's hard to explain with my family, like I'm the
one that steps up and does a lot of things.
But at the same time they don't I don't know,
they don't want to actually give me credit for the
things I do do and then do what I do
do things by this move that I made that was
(06:56):
huge to me. To them, it's kind of my not
like they look at it like, well, this is where
you're from, you know, it's what you should do, and
just look at it that way, like what I have
planned and the things that I want is not really
important to them.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Well, you know, beloved, the things that are important to
you will not be important to anyone else until they
are important to you. And when they are important to you,
then you will make choices that support what's best for you.
(07:37):
Right now, you're turning over your life to other people
and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yeah,
this was your choice, so you turned it over to them.
You want them to think that what you built in
Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it
was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They
(07:59):
didn't take.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
It, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
This role of rescuer, this role of people pleasing, as
you say, is that a role that you volunteered for
or one that you were assigned.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Uh, kind of both. I'm the oldest as far as
i'm the oldest child, I'm the oldest grandchild by me
being raised by my grandparents.
Speaker 5 (08:24):
Of course they were a little older, so that responsibility
role it was kind of just rolled on to me
as a kid, and I'm just I've kept it.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
But how's that working for you?
Speaker 3 (08:37):
It's nice?
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Well, it must be because you keep doing it. It's
interesting how roles that we are assigned or roles that
we volunteer for, and then when we outgrow them, we
don't know how to stand in the new person that
we are. And I kind of hear that's what's going
on for you, that you don't know how to stand
(09:01):
for yourself, so you lean on others and then when
they lean back, you get upset about it. But here's something,
and I really want you to hear this. I want
you to hear this. I want to say this with
as much love and respect as possible. Okay, yes, and
always know I'm never talking about anybody from a judgmental place,
(09:26):
but I just want to bring sometimes you need a
little cold water in your face. You ready for a
little dash of cold water. Yes, okay, your mother didn't
raise you and now she's asking you to take care
of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh,
(09:50):
but you volunteered to participate.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
I heard you say that growing up, you had to
take care of the kids and you had to take
care of of the household. So your primary responsibility was
to other people?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
And how does that make you feel? That your primary
responsibility in your life is to other people? How does
that make you feel?
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Sometimes I feel good because I know that I am
helping others, But a lot of times I just feel empty,
like I just feel like I'm not doing anything for me.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Well, you can't if other people are more important in
your life than you are. And it sounds like you
never grew the muscle of taking care of you. You
were programmed and patterned to take care of other people.
We could talk forever, but if you're not willing to
do something different, you're going to stay right where you are.
(10:58):
So I want you to hear this, and then I
want you to tell me what you're willing to do
about it. If you don't enjoy your life, other people will.
We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome
(11:19):
back to the r spot. We are continuing our conversation
about the fact that other people are enjoying your life
more than you are. And don't hear me saying you
got to abandon your grandfather but there are so many
other possibilities. What are you willing to do about the
(11:40):
fact that other people are enjoying your life more than
you are because of the choices you have made.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
I believe the main thing I need to do is
start telling people.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Uh huh, you're living the classic example of if you
don't have a strong no, you will have a week
yes if you say if you don't say no to
the things you don't want, you won't be able to
stand in the things that you do want. So you
didn't say no when you were summoned back home, and
(12:16):
now you can't stand in being back home and doing
what you agreed to do. So there's a very important
skill that you have to learn here and I it's
going to take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement.
Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back
(12:39):
home and care for your grandfather. You did it out
of obligation not out of desire. So now everyone is
bought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it.
How can you renegotiate that agreement?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I'm trying say, it's hard. I'm trying to tell them,
you know, I'll give you that is a year, and then,
you know, I need to return back to where I was,
and that's kind of where it's stuck at. You know.
As soon as I get to that, then I'm hitting
with all the you know, well, we just don't understand
why you don't want to be here. It's not that bad,
(13:15):
and because.
Speaker 5 (13:16):
I don't want to be looked bad as the bad guy?
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Why not? Why don't you want to be looked at
as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes, bad guys
brush their teeth, bad guys can make money. Bad guys
can do everything everybody else can do. Because you are
do any of the people that you're talking to have
a business. People will hold you to the vision that
(13:41):
they have of you and for you, and then get
mad at you when you try to live beyond that.
Speaker 5 (13:49):
Yes, and I feel like that's exactly what has happened.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So what are you willing to do about it? That's
the question. You know exactly what the situation is. You've
volunteered for the position of taking care of people. You
have given them the right to limit and structure your life.
You've made an agreement that you are unable or unwilling
(14:17):
to keep and and this is huge, This is huge.
You are the one who made it out, and the
one who makes it out carries a lot of guilt
because I'm not going to tell you that they're wrong
and you're right. I'm not telling you that. I'm telling
you that you gave them permission and you participate and
(14:41):
other people making choices for you in your life. You
did that, So the only way to undo it is
for you to make some new choices.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Right, And I agree. I think the main thing I
need to do is the Giant Prize. I will do
it again. To be honest with everybody.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
About what it is said.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Well, part of it is stop explaining yourself. That's the
first step. This is what I'm doing, and I'm doing
it for me. I don't need your approval. I'd love
your support, but I'm going to do it one way
or the other. You don't need their approval. At thirty
three years old, you're in the critical time of your life.
(15:30):
It's the christ years where you get to make choices
and decisions for your hiring greater good. You do not
need their approval because a family tree, you can put
a noose around your neck, yes, and you either get
to jump off the ledge and hang yourself or you
(15:50):
get to take the noose off. But you've got to
be willing. It may not happen, but you have to
be willing to lose everything in order to gain yourself.
And it's hard to say that when you're talking about family,
but I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for
(16:11):
this role, You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices
that allowed them to enjoy your life more than you
enjoy it. You are the one that made it out.
And now you're allowing guilt to call you back. It
doesn't matter what it used to be. You used to
(16:31):
be one hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yeah,
do you want to pick that hundred pounds back up?
And no, well you already did. You already picked up
your grandfather, you picked up your mother, you picked up
your aunt, you picked up the rest of the family.
Because you don't want to be the bad guy, bad,
(16:52):
Do you have a red dress? Do you have a
really fancy, I mean, deliciously gorgeous red dress.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
No, you need to get one.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
You need to get one because bad guys wear red.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Okay, and it's my favorite color.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
And I'm gonna hold a good thought for you.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Okay, Okay, all.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Right, love, thank you for calling. Best of luck to you,
Bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy
to the truth. If you tell people the truth of
what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they
(17:36):
just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in
our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell,
the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid.
She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't.
She calls it, I can't, they won't let me. But
(17:56):
the truth of the matter is it's simply a family
that she's been taught and trained to live in and
live up to. And she doesn't have the muscle to
do something different, not yet. Oh, but all things are possible,
and my next caller is learning all about family habits.
(18:17):
Take a listen, Greetings, beloved, welcome to the art spot,
And what is your relationship, trauma, difficulty, problem, upset, break
down so that we can have a breakthrough today.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
Okay, first, let me just say it's an honor speaking
with you. So my issue with self doubt and self
confidence is just the fact that I'm filled with self
doubt and I have no self confidence. I think it
comes from the trauma that I experienced in my life,
Like my family was just filled with like violence and
(18:55):
just like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when
I was very young, they put a lot of responsibility
on me to be the mediator in the family, to
be the soother in the family, to be the nurturer
in the family. And it felt like I wasn't seen
or heard unless I was feeling exactly what they wanted
me to do, and if I wasn't, it was as
(19:17):
if I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I
thought didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just
become a situation of just like I don't know what
direction my life should go based on what I want
and what I feel. And each time I have like, Okay,
this is what I want, it's like everyone around me
is just like, oh, you're not going to be able
(19:37):
to do it. You're you know you're not going to
be successful at that, and it's like I just crumble
and I don't know what to do with that.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I heard you say that you have no self confidence.
Is that accurate?
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (19:50):
I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute
confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yespecial would
that be accu So it's not that you don't have confidence,
it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place.
You're putting it in the pattern that you learned. You're
(20:10):
putting it in the pathology that you lived. So now
you are doing to yourself the very things that you
hold that they did to you. Can you see that
I can now?
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah. So the same dysfunctional people that put you or
supported you in being in the place that you're in,
why would you discuss with them your vision and dreams
for yourself knowing that that's not how they see you.
(20:50):
Why do you want their validation? Why do you want
their support? What will it do for you? The people
that expose you to violence, physical and emotional trauma and abuse,
why do you want their support. I'm not saying you
you shouldn't want it. I'm just asking you, why do
you want it?
Speaker 3 (21:10):
I don't know. I don't know. I guess because then
I guess I'm so worthy, like I'm drawing a blank.
I really don't know.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
What I just want to support you in doing is
getting to the root. Getting to the root, because what
happens is we get a thought and we think it
over and over, even when we don't know that we're
thinking it. We think it over and over, and then
it gets rooted in the soil of our minds, and
(21:46):
then it grows into a flower or a tree, or
a bush or weeds. And you know, weeds kill off everything.
They travel through the through the ground and the earth,
and they'll kill off everything. So I think that you
are war weeds. Okay, let's see if we can break
down and uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay,
(22:10):
we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said.
I was taught family is the most important thing. How
(22:32):
do you define family?
Speaker 3 (22:34):
I define family as the people who know you best, and.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I mean the people that keep telling you you can't
do what you want to do, the people who are
telling you that you'll fail in your dreams and your
wishes because they know you best. The ones that subjected
you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse, those are people who
know you best.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
No, No, they don't.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
But that's what you're saying. Yeah, have they taken the
time to know you?
Speaker 5 (23:09):
No, not me.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Have they taken the time to find out what's important
to you?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
No?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
So let me give you a definition of family, because
I think very often we think of family with some illustrious,
almost magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of
a common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood,
(23:44):
born one from another from a common ancestor. So on
your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines
came together, and then you have a common ancestor with
your father, your grandfather. You know, your father, his father,
his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor.
(24:06):
There's nothing in the description of family that says you
have to support each other, that you need their validation,
that you can't move without them, that you're obligated to
stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of family
that says anything about that you it's two or more
(24:29):
people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who live together,
that's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this
whole notion of you need their support and they've got
that they have to support you number one, that they
should support you, number two, that they will support you
(24:52):
number three, that's something that we made up, okay, and
we'd like it to be that they support us, that
they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they
start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological
(25:13):
trauma and abuse, chances are that's unless everybody does the work,
that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over,
but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful.
So to everybody else is listening that's heard it, please
forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a drug
(25:35):
addict from the time he was sixteen years old, and
he he because we too were subjected to psychological and
emotional trauma in our home. I was subjected to physical abuse,
(25:55):
both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and I grew
up in a household where there was domestic violence. And
so I really, through the grace of God source Creator,
just was able to live beyond that. He drowned it
(26:16):
his pain in drugs and alcohol, and he wanted me
to do that with him. He wanted to tell the
same old story about how bad it was, how horrible
it was, what they did to him, what they did
to us, blah blah blah. And I had done my
work and I just wasn't there. And one day I
found the courage. I don't know, must have been in
(26:37):
my toenail. I found the courage to say to him,
I'm not going to talk about that no more. I
don't want to talk about that. I don't see it
that way, I don't feel it that way, I don't
live it that way. And if you want to continue
talking about how bad it was back then, it's not
(26:58):
going on now. So I don't want to talk about
it if it's not going on now. And he said
to me, you are so stupid. I said, well, if
that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk.
And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't
talk to my brother for five years, five long years.
This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother.
(27:21):
But in that five years, I made a commitment to
myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I had been
taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost
me my relationship with my brother, I want it more
for myself. And it's not easy because I lost him,
(27:46):
I lost my nephews, I lost you, my only tie
to my family because our parents were dead.
Speaker 5 (27:54):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
The thing that I learned in that is that I
was so wedded or married to the belief that it
couldn't get better, that I couldn't see the ways that
it could.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Yeah, and that's exactly where I am.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right now, and somehow through grace and mercy, you know,
It's like one of the reasons my brother could continuously
do drugs and alcohol was because he hung out with
people who did drugs and alcohol. And one of the
reasons I continued to hurt was because I hung out
with people who were hurting. And when I stopped, when
(28:39):
I stopped hanging out with people who were hurting, I
stopped hurting. It was magic. And it's not going to
be easy. It's not going to be easy, and they
are not going to agree with you, and it's okay
if they don't, because the greatest, the greatest, well, I
(29:04):
don't want to say the word revenge. But the greatest
thing you can do is demonstrate to yourself and them
that it doesn't have to be that way. You've got
to demonstrate that. And they're not going to agree with you,
and they may not support you, and it's not going
to be easy, and that's okay. You must be ready.
(29:27):
Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me, because I'm gonna give
it to you straight, no chaser.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
And I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Tell me what scares you about that? Tell me what
frightens you about what you're hearing me say.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
What frightens me is being alone.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't
be alone. It's six billion people on the planet, some
of them want to know you. It's not being alone,
it's being without them. Okay, because being with them is
something that you said earlier, which is a habit. And
(30:05):
habits are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break,
they really are, but they can be broken.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
So you have a habit of not being supported, You
have a habit of not being heard, You have a
habit of not being seen. You have a habit of
not having what you want to the degree that you
don't even believe that what you want is important. You
have a habit of not being important. You have a
habit of not mattering. So those are habits.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
How do I break the habits?
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Well, you know as a coach what I would say
to you. The first way you have to go about
breaking a habit is to avoid tempting situations, the situations
that will tempt you to do the very thing you've
always done. You said, when you I try to tell
(31:02):
them what I want, they tell me you can't do that.
You'll never do that. So you have to avoid that
situation of telling them what you want. That's the first thing, okay,
because that's an unhealthy behavior.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
The second thing you have to do is you have
to prepare yourself mentally for the worst possible scenario. And
we can do that right now. Okay, Okay, so let's
go here. In order for you to stand up for yourself,
to grow self value, self worth, and self confidence, you
(31:41):
will have to step away from from your family. Oh okay, Okay,
take a breath. So I want you to say this
with me, repeat it, and complete it. Okay. I'm gonna
give you a stem of a sentence. I want you
to repeat that stem and then complete it with the
(32:01):
first thought that comes up in your mind. And it
doesn't have to make sense. Don't try to make it
make sense. Okay. If I step away from my family,
say that.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
If I step away from my family.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
What will happen is?
Speaker 3 (32:18):
What will happen is I will learn to stand on
my own.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
And if I learn to stand on my own.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
And if I learn to stand on my.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Own, what will happen is?
Speaker 3 (32:35):
What will happen is I could actually be happy.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
And if I'm happy, what will happen is?
Speaker 3 (32:48):
And if I'm happy, well, what happen is I'll grow?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
And if I grow, what will happen.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
Is I grow? What will happened is I can be
what I choose to be and not what others want
me to be.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
And if I'm not what others want me to be,
say that.
Speaker 3 (33:15):
And if I'm not what others want me to.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Be, what will happen is?
Speaker 3 (33:20):
What will happen is I'll have to figure out what
I want to be. And if I figure out what
I want to be, what will happen is I'll have
to actually do it.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Ah, And if I actually have to do what I want.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
To do, I won't have any excuses.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Ah. And if I don't have any excuses.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
And if I don't have any excuses, what will happen
is I will have to take responsibility for my life.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Yeah. And that scares the be Jesus Oude of you
because you've never been responsible for your life. You've been
responsible to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten
up about the things that they failed at. Would that
be accurate, yes, ma'am Ah, good good for you, because
(34:22):
another way, another thing that you have to do to
break a habit is telling absolute truth. And there's some
truth that you just spoke that I want to bring
to your awareness that I'm afraid to take responsibility for
my life, so I give myself excuses not to rather
(34:44):
than run the risk of failing, because they have told
you that you'll fail, and that's where you put your
confidence in your failing.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
So, to break this habit of being irresponsible, because that's
what it is. To break the habit of giving yourself
excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power, for
your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid tempting situations.
(35:17):
That means the people you've got to prepare yourself mentally.
You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth. You have
to know what your triggers are, how do they trigger you?
And see, these are all muscles like in your mind
that you have to build. And you've got to exchange
(35:38):
every bad habit for good habits. So if you have
a habit of talking to them about what you're doing,
switch that and don't say anything. Put it in your journal,
find a friend, get a coach, get a mentor, talk
to them about it. Okay, you've got to know that
(35:59):
you'll slip back and forth. But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift,
and you've got to reward yourself for every small step.
This is a small step speaking to someone outside the
inner circle who's going to tell you something different. Celebrate
(36:23):
that you did a good thing. You did a good thing.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
I want you to write this down. My choices, my power,
my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power, my
joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's, not my father's,
(36:50):
not my brothers, not, my grandmother, not my auntie. My choices,
my power, my joy are my responsibility. Even when my
family doesn't agree. Ooh, okay, tell me what you hear
(37:10):
me saying, tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
I hear you saying that my choice is my power,
and my joy are my responsibility to take care of myself,
and I can't make anyone else responsible for me.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
You hear very well. I'm trying set a plan, a
vision for yourself. How do you want to be different
a year from now? And write those things down and
tell your friend about them.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
I could do that.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
Give yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time
and celebrate every little victory, and prepare yourself for all
of them to be pissed off with you, and know
that it won't kill them. Pisosity has never killed anybody.
Speaker 3 (38:07):
Yes, ma'am, Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
All right, my love, Good luck to you. Give me
a call and maybe in about three months and let
me know how you're doing.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
Yes, ma'am, I will.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to
break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits
are hard to break, but they can be broken. They
can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have
to do is let yourself know this is a habit,
(38:40):
and this is how the habit operates. And this is
how I enroll other people to participate in the habit
for me. Family habits they exist in every family. Sometimes
we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Ah responsibility,
your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility,
(39:04):
regardless of what's going on in your family as of today,
your joy is your job. Your joy is your job,
and you've got to work on it eight hours a day,
forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom.
(39:27):
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
(39:56):
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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