March 12, 2025 • 64 mins
In this gripping episode, we delve into the tumultuous past and inspiring recovery journey of UFC lightweight fighter Jared "Flash" Gordon. Jared opens up about his struggles with severe addiction, his near-death experiences, and the pivotal moments that led to his sobriety. He shares how faith, support from his wife, and the 12-step program transformed his life, allowing him to achieve success in MMA and personal redemption. The episode underscores the power of resilience, the importance of asking for help, and the fulfillment found in living a life of service and integrity.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I was shooting so much coke that I was going
into these crazy psychosis hours and until I would pass out,
you know, I'll shoot it off heroin to finally pass out,
and then I would wake up and do it all
over again. And I was so paranoid, and I thought
these midget FBI agents were like following me.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
And I hate the benching FBI guys. They're very smart
and clever. How great is it to be sober?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Brother, It's the.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Greatest gift I ever gave myself. I was getting arrested
for home invasion robberies. I was getting arrested from you know,
possessions and all sorts of crazy shit. I was homeless panhandler,
and then within a year of that, I was fighting
in the UFC at the highest level of MMn.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Welcome back to the Sino Show. I'm your host. You know,
I'm like fine.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Today we have a absolute lawyer in the house.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Straight up.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
He's a UFC lightweight who's fought some of the toughest
guys in the Vision. But his biggest fight hasn't just
been inside the cage, has been outside of the two.
He's battled addiction, overcome personal demons, and turned his life
around to become an inspiration to so many people. He's
a new friend, but he feels like an old friend
because he speaks my love language, which is, how can
(01:23):
I fucking help? Man? Uh, it's my absolute pleasure to
welcome Jared Flash Gordon of The show.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Welcome brother.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Thank you, Cina, Appreciate it. Appreciate it man. Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Are you You're in New York City right now?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Right?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
No?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
So I'm from Queens, New York, but I live in
South Florida and beach.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Oh fuck you?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Okay you're oh ray, Oh, I didn't know that. Okay,
sober living capital of the world.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Yeah, it was coincidental. I didn't come down here to
get sober. My wife was just living here. Uh and
know it's warm and sunny, it's nicer than the Queen's
So I was like, ah, I'll move to Florida and
there's good training here. So it just made sense.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Beautiful, beautiful. We're definitely talking about your wife because she's
a fucking badass. We're going to get into that. Can
we just start How great is it to be sober? Brother?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
The greatest gift I ever gave myself.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Right, you've been to so many treatment centers, homeless shelters,
walk a little bit to that final moment where you
literally tapped out and said I'm done, I'm out, which
I think was nine years ago.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Right correct. I mean, you know, just like everyone else,
it all started when I was a young boy, and
you know, the root of all my problems, obviously stammers
from trauma. You know, all my addictions, all the way
I the ways I acted out, my anger, my resentments,
(02:57):
my whatever you want to call it. It was all
from trauma that you know I saw or was abused
by when I was a kid, and I was I
think I mentioned this job, was sexually assaulted when I
was a young boy by another man, and that was.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
All the way you held when they when that happened,
I was eight years old.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Eight years old, right, yeah, full on sexual assault. And
obviously right then and there it changed me. You know,
that was like the pivotal moment of my life. You know,
I was only eight years old. But shortly after that,
when I was I turned nine, like a month or
two later, and I started smoking pot and you know,
(03:46):
stealing beers from my parents, stealing my dad's cigarettes, you know,
going into the the woods behind people's houses smoking cigarettes,
And after that I moved to Queens, where I spent
the most of the remainder of my life. And from
(04:07):
then on it was all about consuming drugs and just
wanting to feel something different. And for me, like I
liked pot, I liked alcohol, I liked you know, Benzo's
(04:28):
loved cocaine. Found opiates when I was a little older,
fell in love with opiates, became my you know, drug choice,
and then eventually, you know, first it started with you know,
regular not not really a unique opiate story, started with
(04:48):
percocets and viking Ins, found oxy, delauded, all the pain meds,
you know, boxy, morphone, whatever, and eventually led me to heroin,
ivy heroin, and then ivy coke and crack heroin. Tried
meth a few times. I didn't really love it. Plus
(05:10):
being where I was from in New York, it wasn't
like a big thing. Loved ivy, cocaine and heroin. That's
how I met my bottom. But yeah, like you said,
in and out of treatment centers from when I was twenty,
(05:31):
multiple detoxes, therapeutic communities, long term treatment, crisis centers, homeless shelters,
jail I was facing twenty five to life for a
home invasion, robbery, fell any, battery, homelessness, panhandling, and on
(05:53):
Christmas Eve two thousand and fifteen, I had my I
asked overdose and I woke up in the hospital on
the twenty sixth and left the hospital because I was
(06:14):
dope sick, got high one more time, and I went
to detox that night. So my sober date is the
twenty seventh of December twenty fifteen, and yeah, I've been
sober since, Thanks the Lord.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
The listeners are going to want to know what happened.
Did it get lifted from you? Did you have experience
spiritual experience? Then? How did you go from full on
junkie commitment this is my life to like one day
you're sober and you don't want to use.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
So I got introduced to AA when I was twenty
twenty one or twenty two, and you know, my first
AA meeting it was like it was like taking a
freaking astro science physicist. You know, I'm looking at all
(07:11):
this and hearing all this stuff and I just couldn't
comprehend or also I wasn't listening really so but the
seed was planted, you know, and like I understood that
people came here and got sober. So through the years,
(07:32):
all the treatment centers trying to get sober, and I
had a few years of abstinence. So like I always
I went to meetings, and then I would stop going.
I would go to one or two, you know, get high,
(07:54):
get high, you know, and go to the get high,
go to the meeting. I would get sober. I would
come out, you know, just in and out, in and out.
And but over after years, you know, six years of
going in and out of meetings, the seed had taken root,
you know. And I sold my older brother, who's sober
(08:18):
as well, get sober through AA. And I knew a
lot of other people that were sober, you know, twenty
five thirty forty years. A lot of people that were
family friends, people that I knew from the neighborhood. You know,
I grew up in Queens, so it's the recovery community
(08:41):
is heavy. There a lot of old Irish Italian guys,
you know, in these meetings, and I had to This
guy became my first sponsor, my buddy, Tommy, Tommy Mack.
I grew up in my neighborhood, Irish guys sober like
thirty something years now, and my dad knew him for
(09:03):
years and was like trying to get Tommy to help me.
And Tommy was trying to help me, but I was
in and out and I would go to meetings with
him and then and then finally when I got sober,
or when I went to Detox, I got into you know,
rehab state run facility in New York. It was it
(09:23):
was terrible, but it was also I was like so
comfortable in there after being on the street shooting dope
and coke and and like going into this place was
like like like I was in heaven and I was warm,
I had food, there was movies. It was like it
was like I was fucking living in paradise.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
And he was like listen, you gotta he'said find your
higher power, find God. And he would always say that
to me, go to meetings. So I was in there
and it it was the beginning of June. I just
came from Detox. They brought me to this place. It
was called Creedmorn. It was in insane asylum, but they
(10:08):
had a it was like a major compound in Queen's
State Room Facility major psych ward insane asylum, but on
the property they had an alcohol substance abuse center and
like ninety nine percent of the people they were mandated,
you know, by drug courts. But it was the only
place I can get into. I didn't have insurn. Sir
(10:31):
Noman was about to pay cash for me to go
to treatment, so it took what I can get and
I get there. It's like January third or fourth, and
one night it dumps like six feet of snow and
I remember looking out the window and I was clean
now for like two weeks, so I was feeling better.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
You know.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I was nice and warm. I had a hoodie on.
I remember, I had sweatpants on. It was like a
Friday night Christmas, you know, I had just passed, so
like all the Christmas decorations were still up, and it
was like movie night, you know, Friday night. They gave us,
you know, Friday night they would let us do whatever,
play cards, watch movies. And I remember, you know, I
was all warm, and I was staring out the window
(11:18):
watching the snow pile up, and I remember thinking like
like closing my eyes and being like oh, thank you God,
you know, and at that time, like saying that was
just like like something that I would say, Like I
(11:40):
wasn't religious, I didn't know God the way I know
him now. But like I remember saying that and being
like wait a minute, like actually, thank you God, you know.
Speaker 3 (11:53):
And I remember.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Seeing the snow pile up and thinking like all right,
I'm not there's nowhere for me to go, like this
is it like? And I remember saying like I'm done, dude,
I'm defeated.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
The weeks leading up to that, I was I'm not
trying to like romanticize, but like I was robbing drug
dealers because I had no money, and you know, I
was using my physical abilities to get over on people
and the running, the running and the cop in and
(12:30):
outside in Queens, New York, the cops, freezing weather, the
you know, I'm in the projects, like.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I just.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Couldn't do it anymore. And I was shooting so much
coke that I was going into these crazy psychosis hours
until I would pass out, you know, I'll shoot en
off heroin to finally pass out, and then I would
wake up and do it all over again. And I
was so paranoid, and I thought these midget FBI agents
(13:01):
were like following me and.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I hate the Midge FBI guys. They're very smart and clever,
they're very fast. Those fuckers get me every time.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
I would be like, what the fuck looking around, like
any shadow I soul? I don't. It was like a
fucking cop or something, and you know, I just couldn't
do it anymore. I was like, I can't. I'm fucking
going crazy. And so I was like, all right, I'll
do it. I'll fucking go to meetings I wanted at
(13:30):
that point, I wanted to. I was like, I can't,
I can't do this anymore. And not to mention like
I had a career still and so before I started
really shooting dope, like I had already started my MMA career,
I was, oh, you started it then, when didn't you
actually start it? Yeah? I started fighting when I was seventeen. Yeah,
(13:54):
So I started shooting dope and I was like twenty
two or twenty three, like real like shooting. I was
shooting ox sees and shit before that, but like really
like cop and dope and you know, doing the real
was when I was like twenty late twenty two or
twenty three, and you know, I did really well as
an amateur. I was an amateur champion. Then I went
(14:16):
pro when I was twenty two, and I would get
these brief you know, a few months or six months
a year of clean time where I was just abstinent
and I was using mma and training as my way
to stay sober, and I would fight, fight, fight and win.
(14:36):
I would win, win, win, rake up a couple, rack
up a couple of wins, and then I'd have shoulder
surgery or something. I'd relapse, and then I would get
clean again. I would rack up a bunch of wins,
and then another time I had another I had a
face surgery. I'd a plate put in my face. I
was in the head Tromi unit for like five six days.
(15:00):
They're pumping me with morphine and the lauded. So naturally,
without a program, I came out, started shooting dope, and
then I finally got sober. And within a year of
getting sober and finding my higher power, going to meetings,
doing the steps I was, I got signed to UFC,
(15:25):
so I got sober. I had a big fight like
six months after getting sober. I won. Then I had
a fight shortly after that, and then like exactly basically
a year later, I had a fight. Dana White was there.
I was the main event. I won the fight. The
guy eventually also got into UFC and Dana signed me
(15:53):
that night. So I got into UFC.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
How when Dana signed you that night? When Dana signed
you that night, how long were you sober?
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Thirteen months?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Thirteen months? And you were what twenty five? Then twenty four,
twenty seven? Then okay, so let's walk into let's keep going.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Then I was like, for you, I just turned twenty eight.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Magical moment for you, right, say that again, magical moment
for you when he signed you.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Yeah, it was pretty surreal, pretty fucking crazy. I was
shooting heroin and coke. I was living in this fucking street,
you know, right right. I was just like doing crazy shit.
I was getting arrested for home invasion robberies. I was
getting arrested for you know, possessions and all sorts of
(16:48):
crazy shit. I was homeless panhandlers. Yeah, and then within
the year of that, I was fighting in the UC
at the highest level of MMA. So it's pretty.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Let's let's walk through your Let's walk through your boxing
journey a little bit. Then I'm gonna tie it into
your sobriety and some amazing lessons about your fighting career
and sobriety that I've learned about you. All Right, where
do we go after that fight? After he signed you?
What's next?
Speaker 1 (17:22):
So I've been in the UFC for the last eight
years and a lot of ups and downs. I eventually,
a few years later, I got engaged to a girl
that I've known since sixth grade actually mine now wife,
and she had you know, left me when I was
(17:45):
shooting dope. It was the girl that got away. I
got her back. We got married, We have we just
had our first child six weeks ago. Yeah, congratulations man,
baby girl.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Oh that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
That's fucking insane. Uh. The house I'm in my own,
you know, I've owned, you know, I had another house,
I sold a bought a bigger one. Have everything that
I want and need. I got a dog I can
take care of. And life's insane. But yeah, a lot
of ups and downs, man, And you know, dealing with
(18:22):
all sorts of other issues. Like once I was separated
from the drugs and alcohol, you know, I started acting,
got in all these other ways. Yeah, I'll open walk
into the casino and lose ten k I'll judge every
person that walks by me. I'll fucking watch porn. I'll
(18:47):
go to rub and tug. I'll fucking floor with girls
to make sure I still got I don't know why.
I'll do ours all sorts of shit man by ship
that I don't need, and regret it because I think
shiny shit is going to make me happy. I won't
(19:09):
be there for my wife the way I should be.
I'm selfish or you know, will I'm working on it, okay,
you know, I'll act out in any way you asked
me to. I'll fuck. I'm addicted to training, I'm addicted
to food. I'm addicted to fucking the Sopranos. Look, Tony's
(19:33):
on the wall. I'll watch the Sopranos seven fucking thousand
hours a week. I'll do anything in excess. And it's
just my as you know, my disease trying to take
me down any way that it can. I think it
really it realizes like, oh, this motherfucker he stopped doing
(19:53):
drugs and he and and he's not going back. So
how can we take this prick down? You know? All right,
let's get him fucking in trouble somehow. And as an addict,
I'll do anything in excess. So it's like I've gotten
in trouble doing all sorts of things, even in my sobriety.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
You know, right, yes you have.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
And and and and let's.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Talk to the listeners, buddy, and thank you for being
so honest. That's the one thing that you're always straight man,
with all these different things. There's physical sobriety, of course,
emotional sobriety. You're talking about these other addictions and stuff.
What are you learning, How are you combating that? How
are you making peace with that? How are you staying
absent in these other areas of your life?
Speaker 1 (20:41):
So like, you know, I fought once I stopped getting
high and drinking that everything was all right, you know,
And that not only lasts for so long or unless
you're like a single guy with no responsibilities. But even then,
(21:03):
when you're doing those kinds of things, you'll get yourself
in trouble, even if you don't have to answer to
a wife or a girlfriend or something or a significant other.
So like, I've realized that nothing will give me fulfillment
(21:28):
unless it's creative out of true love and from God,
or aligns with what God wants me to do on
a daily basis and in all of my affairs. So
(21:50):
I'm like, you know, I just always think like, why
isn't this working out for me? Why did this happen?
And then I would think like, f God, he hates me,
or he's punishing me, or he's not real. Meanwhile, I
know in the back of my head that without him,
(22:13):
I would never have gotten sober and I would never
be where I am today. But I easily forget that
shit because I also think the devil's working to take
me down in any any way he can.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Darkness is very patient, and you're right, it's not gonna
come through the door of just you're gonna shoot up again.
It's gonna come through these other avenues.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
But let me ask you this, brother, So, what's your technique?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
You're jumpy, your irritable, your body's fucked up, you know,
and I'm gonna make something up, and you want to
go to the Gucci store and buy a new tracksuit
that you don't need because you got twenty of them.
What's your technique to not go to the Gucci store
and buy a five thousand dollars track seat that you
don't need.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
Well, luckily, I have all these resources, and I have
a lot of people around me that have my best
interest at heart. Sponsors, I got friends. My fucking wife
will tell me right away, why the fuck are you
gonna buy that, you idiot. She's probably the first person
(23:17):
that I can go to that will set me straight
right away, you know.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
And blessing that is man.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I mean the program AA N A C A SLAA,
the Fellowship in general, twelve steps is a divine gift.
God gave us that gift. And when you really start
(23:44):
to understand it and listen to all those fucking corny sounding,
you know, sayings that they have, you know, uh, dial
dial the dial, the numbers, don't file them, make a meeting, prey.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
A c shell pass one day at a time, keep
coming back. That shit is real, big time and it.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
All fucking works. Like There's so many things that I
can do if I'm feeling a certain way. Sometimes, like
the other day, I was feeling I was kind of
pissed off about something, and I was like, I'm going
for a run, and I fucking ran like seven miles
at like a retarded pace, And when I came back,
I was like, oh, I feel so much better. Took
(24:36):
a shower, ate some food, past out, or I'll jump
on a meeting. We got these fucking computers. You could
go on a meeting anytime of day, where you could
walk into a meeting anytime a day, basically, And this
is the way I've stayed sober. And now that i've
(24:58):
been so i've been going. I've been not out of
SLA for like three four three and a half four years.
I've really put it into practice. Thank God, I'd be
I'll be sober off all my bottom lines for like
one hundred something days now, one hundred and four hundred days.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Dereck. For the listeners who don't know, please explain what
SLA is, Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
So SLA is Sex Love Addiction Anonymous, and it's not
just about sex. It's about people that struggle with the
various amount of maladies. You could just be someone that
fantasizes all day, someone that wants validation, someone that needs
(25:43):
to be in a relationship, codependency, people that are addicted
to sex, porn and masturbation, any kind of sexual problem.
If you're in the rubbin togue, if you're masturbating, if prostitutes,
or if you just run through and she not your wife.
(26:04):
And it to me, SLIA is step six and seven
through and through your character defects and your shorecomings. In
the big books page step six and seven as well,
like two pages or something. The short but it's the
(26:27):
mean potatoes of the program. And SLA is like going
to get your fucking PhD in AA graduate school, and like,
I'm so blown away by it because like, even though
I was sober from drugs and alcohol, I always had
(26:48):
this void to fill. And although AA give gave me
a daily reprieve from that feeling, I was feel missing
like a little bit. And now that I'm in SLAA,
(27:08):
that hole has been filled a little more and it
feels a lot better. Even though I know I'll never
probably fill that hole inside of me completely, I can
feel it enough every day to where that little bit
of emptiness is not gonna throw me off kilter. So
(27:35):
without these programs, man, there's no way people say, oh
I would be in prison, I'd be fucking dead. There's
no way that I would be in prison because the
way I use and the way I i'm like, I
always think about Joe Peshi in Casino when he's like,
(27:57):
see I don't give a fuck about jail because I'm
fucking stupid. That's me. I don't give a fuck about
the UFC. I don't give a fuck about my wife.
I don't give a fuck about my baby. I don't
give a fuck about all the shit I have. I'll
go fuck everything up because I don't give a fuck
and I'm fucking stupid. But I am smart enough to
(28:23):
recognize that I don't have to do that anymore. I
used to do it every day, but now I know
there's a better way to live. And even today something happened,
so like I was supposed to fight, like you know, yeah,
(28:43):
week and a half ago, I get to Vegas. I
fucking get an airbnb for me, my whole team. I
got like six guys with me. You know, when I
go to a fight, it's fucking it's men. We're going
to fight in a cage to make money, and I
gotta bring the whole team with me. My nutrition is
my coaching, expensive, very expensive Airbam, you're paying those costs,
(29:08):
fucking car rental, car rental, plane tickets, all the money
you gotta spend while you're there. Whatever I go, I
fucking make weight. I cut eighteen pounds in four days
to make weight. Fight gets canceled. I'm like, the fuck
in order for me to get paid, in order I'll
(29:29):
have to fight, I gotta fight to get paid. So
I'm thinking, what the fuck are they gonna pay me
my show money? So I speak to the matchmaker after
and I'm like, Yo, what's up? And He's like, yeah, yeah,
we'll get you books soon. I gotta talk to Dana
about what we're gonna do. Okay, So I'm waiting, and
(29:51):
you know, after you fight, like win or lose, a
day later, you get a wire to your bank from
the from ZUFA, which is the UFC for however much
money you make Monday comes off them, Tuesday comes nothing.
I'm fucking pissed.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
I'm thinking, fucking God hates me, this motherfucker I gotta
I'm praying to this motherfucker for nine years. I'm being obedient.
I'm fucking chitting on my wife. I'm not fucking jerking
off in the fucking bathroom. I'm not going to the
fucking rubbing tugs. I'm not fucking hurting anyone. I'm trying.
(30:30):
I'm helping people. I'm doing everything I can here. I'm
praying to you every day. My wife is the patient
Christian Italian woman who cooks and cleans, owns two businesses,
works her ass off. Is an athlete also, and she's like,
(30:50):
jaredy be patient, God guide you no matter what, You'll
be taken care of. And me, I'm like, I said,
I'm fucking stupid. I don't give a fuck fuck this.
I'm fucking breaking. I'm you know, I'm fucking today. And
then finally I was like, you know what, like like
two days ago, I was like, I'm done. Whatever it is,
(31:12):
what it is, I'll get through it. God, I love you.
I'm sorry for turning my back on you. Today, I'm
fucking going to get a Cortato del rights. You can
beautiful outside. I'm fucking enjoying the weather. All my windows
are down and I'm just thinking talking to God. And
I look down and I see I get a text
(31:33):
message from the Matchmaker review. See hey, dried, thank you
for being so patient. You should get a wire today
for your show money. We're gonna get you booked right away.
We're looking for a fight for you. I'm like, thank
you so much. You don't know what this means to
me bah blah blah, and I turned my back on
(31:58):
him again. God no, and that He's always fucking brought
me through no matter what.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
Why do you do that, man, when there's overwhelming empirical data.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
God always has your back, brother, Why do you do that?
Speaker 1 (32:15):
I think I'm still that nine eight year old kid
at times that I got fucking sexual assaulted. Yes, I've
got trust issues. Yeah, I'm fucking I get punched in
my head for a living. I get angry. I want
(32:37):
I'm so eager and wanting and able to. I want
to support my family. I want to be able to
pay our mort against, pay our bills, bring us on vacation,
pay for my baby. I got a new borness. I
got a six year old little thing that doesn't it
can't do anything without us, And all I want to
do is care for them and not let them. Well,
(33:03):
my wife's been through her own shit, but my baby
I want to get for everything I can to make
her not have to go through the shit that I
went through. And so I'm just like I need to.
I need to get money in order to support them.
And that's like how Meanwhile, I know money, Like now
(33:24):
that I got the wire I'm like, I feel the same.
It's like when I bought this one hundred thousand dollars cars,
the fucking dumbest thing I ever did in my life.
I bought this car that I loved my whole life,
was Audi RS five. I bought it brand new, and
my wife I showed up with the car. My wife's like,
what the fuck are you crazy? I'm like, oh, I
(33:47):
got It's all good. That car was a fucking burden
all my life. Every day I would walk outside and
every time I filled it up, I was like, ninety dollars,
you motherfucker. Only time I paid the fucking payment and
the car insurance. I was like, why did I do
(34:07):
this to myself? Even though I loved the car and
it was fucking fun and beautiful, it was a burden
out of my life. It was the last thing I needed.
And then I realized, you know, I bought a Rolex.
I've done all sorts of stupid shit, nice things, fucking
two thousand dollars, you know, all sorts of dumb shit.
Choose this that, And I'm like, why did I do this?
(34:28):
I could have done something else, way more worth it.
And then the shiny shit doesn't do nothing for me.
And God and helping others, being of service, being there
for my family, the love that I get from my family,
my parents, Thank God for my parents. Without them might
(34:48):
be fucking gone. My brother's, my mother in law, my
sisters and brothers, brother in law. That's all I'm matters.
And obviously my sobriety number after God, my sobriety, and
then everyone else. And that's all that fucking and that's
(35:11):
all that ever gives me lasting fulfillment. I'll buy something nice.
It's like buying a new pair of sneakers. You're like, oh,
look at my fucking shoes, and then three weeks later
you're like, fuck these shoes. I need a new pair.
They're all scuffed up, you know. And And today that
(35:32):
I was punching my steering wheel when I got that
text message, thank you God, I'm sorry for fucking being
an asshole always, and I think it's all right, Like
and I could see him like he's like, I know
who you are and what you are, so it's okay.
(35:52):
And that's the best part about Jesus God, what I
call him, is that I know he's always gonna forgive
me and always love me and as long as I'm
true to him and being obedient. So I said something
in your meeting that day where I realized God's not
punishing me.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
He doesn't want me, he does not he doesn't hurting me.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
He's always there. It's it's me blocking my own blessings.
And I truly believe that that's what it is. When
I do something stupid that I shouldn't be doing, or
if I'm unfaithful somehow, or if I'm fucking being an
asshole to someone, I feel like there's like a little
(36:38):
darkness comes in and it blocks the light from coming through. Man,
And I've realized that, like it's me, I am. I heard.
I saw a meme today. It said, if I gave
you a million dollars, but you're the worst enemy, would
(37:02):
also get two million dollars. Would you be okay with that?
And the person said, why would I turn down three
million dollars?
Speaker 2 (37:15):
So that's me, bro, Yeah, I get it. Never I
think you'll appreciate this, it really enemy. Yeah. Yeah. Well,
the hopefully your journey will be you're your best friend
to yourself, because that's the most important thing. You'll get there.
Speaker 3 (37:29):
I know you will.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Actually you know uh. I was speaking to uh forgive
the name drop. Robert Downey was mentioning this, and he
was at the Grammys and was talking to some friends
and he said, do you know what I have.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
That nobody else has?
Speaker 1 (37:45):
Here?
Speaker 2 (37:45):
And they're all going, oh, you know, the one hundred
million dollar house, the jet, the perfect family, you know,
go through the Listenersge goes, No, you know what I have?
I have enough. I have He's the best, He's the
fucking bet Roberts the best. I have enough. And that's
the gift to know that you have enough. But you know,
(38:06):
and and let me let me move. You talk about
patience and my God, brother, in your business, the injuries.
You've had a bullshit call on a fight that you
clearly won. You had the concussion episode before the fight,
this last thing in the last minute, he got called off,
and you know it. Really, let's talk about patients. And
(38:26):
you talked about a little bit and you don't, you don't.
You've not gotten out over the stuff, tough stuff. How
do you hang in there? How do you keep the
faith going? Man?
Speaker 1 (38:35):
Honestly, I think God is waiting for me to be
ready to take on all the things that would calm
if some of those things went my way, I think
he's waiting for me. So the thing when Patty happened,
(38:57):
I got. I clearly won that fight and they gave
it to him. And before that or after that, was
the headbutt. And then I won in Madison Square Garden
in my hometown, which was fucking amazing. And then I
fought in Saudi Arabia. Clearly won the fight and they
gave it to some Arab kid, and I was like,
we fucking serious again, and I think I was gonna
(39:20):
lose it. Whatever. I dealt with that pretty well, and
then this thing happened. But I started. I got into
s l a A in November is when, or is
when I really gave myself to the program. So I
(39:42):
fought that kid in Saudi Arabia in June of last year.
But I was still fucking around after that. Wow, being
a fucking devious prick, you know the rub and tug
(40:02):
mm hm, and so like this thing sucked, this last one.
Not fighting. All I did was make Wayne. I got
a substantial amount of money, So that was like best
case scenario, Like it was like the only thing that
(40:25):
sucks is that I didn't fight and win. Right, So
I think he's setting me up for something bigger, and
now that I'm stopped, I'm stopping myself from blocking those blessings.
I think he's like, all right, you're you're you're ready,
(40:48):
or maybe you're almost ready for what you want.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Yeah, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
Let me tell you something. You know, anytime I would
go out there to fight, in the back of my head,
I knew that I was doing some dirty shit still,
and it does no matter how fucking prepared you are. Man,
(41:16):
when you're fucking guilty.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
When that fuck is on you, it's on and it
won't go away no matter what. I love you for
talking about this. Thank you. Man.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
When you know that maybe there's some karma coming your way,
it's really hard to be confident and go out there
and say I'm gonna fuck this guy. I deserve this shit.
I'm gonna fuck this guy up, even if you know
you're better. That's why I think I was going out
there fighting these fights, winning and still a loser.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Yeah, Oh that's fun. That's so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
Man.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
I would be like, how, like I don't understand, like
I won the fight. Why is the other guy's hand
in the air? And it's because I knew it. It's
because I was being a fuck up. I was being
a dick, and that's a great lesson for I free
myself of that. And it's the best feeling I've ever
(42:09):
given myself knowing that. Thank God, my wife's a Christian
because she forgave me and is working through this with me.
But now I know I'm not being a piece of
shit to my wife.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Buddy, I hope you give yourself the gift of your
next fight, and I can't wait to watch it of being.
Speaker 3 (42:37):
Being completely clean.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
And I want to see this version of you where
there's not a speck of funk on you.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
Man, exactly. That's the thing, Bro, I might look shiny
and nice, somewhere, there was a black fucking hole in me.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
You know, Yeah, I get it. But he walked the
listeners through because it's a it's a it's a scene
I hope to see in the movie someday. You know,
a lot of people don't know Madison Square Garden underneath it.
You know, there's a whole another world going on there, right.
They don't know that you.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Don't fucking zombul down there.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
You know, it's crazy, man, And you were shooting up dope,
You're out of your fucking mind, you're on the nod,
you're Panhalen, You're doing all your crazy shit, and then
you end up fucking fighting at MSG.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
Yeah, so it's enough. I have a major history there.
So I was born in Manhattan, not far like thirty
blocks from MSG. My older brother was born there too.
My grandparents grew up in Harlem, which is you know,
northern Manhattan. MSG's like Midtown Manhattan and you know Raising Queen's.
(43:47):
I would take the subway into Manhattan every day and
train at Henzel Graci's, which is three blocks from MSG.
So I get out of the train at Penn Station
or down the block, and I would walk pennas MSG
with my bag on to go to the gym. And
I would see it every day and think I'm gonna
(44:08):
fight there one day. And my years of going in
and out of that gym, fucking nine ten years or
whatever it was. You know, I was getting high and
I would take the subway and I would fucking be
so sick or whatever that I wouldn't I couldn't even
(44:31):
get out of the subba. I would go into a
bathroom stall in the subway in Penn Station, which is
underneath I miss g I can shoot dope. All of
those restaurants, the pizzerias, the shitty beza places, Yeah, fresh
and co there was a coffee spot, uh, Japanese. I
used to go to the there's a Korean restaurant. I
(44:52):
used to go to all of them and fucking go
in there and buy a soda or something. Man, can
I use the bathroom and fucking go in there and
shoot up And I would skin high and henzo old.
That's so that was my stomping grounds. And and then yeah, man,
I fucking my grandfather fought at MSG also three times. Wow,
he was a four boxer, and yeah, so I get
(45:16):
to fight a guy there. He was a silver medal
Olympic champion from Denmark. I knocked him out in the
first round.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
And it was fucking unbelievable, so insane.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
The ship we get to do in surprise extraordinary, right, man.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
I can't who knows what's to come. That's the best
it's gonna be as long as we stay. Get get
the fuck.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Out of the way, exactly, Get out of your own
get out of the way. So let me ask you
this let's talk about your wife. She's amazing. But I
wanted to our listeners. They're like, wait, how did how
did they get back together?
Speaker 3 (45:58):
How did she end up trusting you? How did you
get the trust back?
Speaker 2 (46:00):
Well, I know, we're still working on it, but yeah, so.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Yeah, I've known my wife since first grade. We met
each other when we were six years old, which is insane.
So yeah, I've known my wife for thirty years already.
I'm thirty six, so pretty fucking crazy. And so my
(46:28):
dad's just real quick. When I was Father's Day two
thousand and one, right before nine to eleven, my father's
business exploded in Long Island City, Queens and killed three
FDNY guys and injured like sixty other firefighters and NYPD officers. Yeah,
(46:55):
on Father's Day. It was called the Father's Day Fire.
It was the deadliest fire in New York City since
nineteen sixty nine. And then fucking nine to eleven happened
and obviously swept that under the rug. But when that happened,
we were living in Long Island, the Nashau County, in
like a really nice neighborhood and we had to be
(47:18):
closer to the business, and it was fucking really expensive
where we were living, so we moved to Queen's. So
I had moved to Queens. The year before that, my
wife's father died in a plane crash, his own, his
(47:39):
own jet. He was flying his own plane and it
crashed and unfortunately him and another man were killed. Shortly
after that, she moved to Florida, to boy and Beach
and she went to school here. So I moved to Queen's.
(48:00):
We both turned eighteen. High school's over. She's going back
to Rutgers in New Jersey for gymnastics. She was a
D one athlete. And I saw her at a house
party at an old friend, you know, an old friend's
house that we went to school with, And I was like,
oh shit, Crisino, what's up. And I wasn't drinking because
(48:23):
I was getting ready for a fight.
Speaker 3 (48:25):
You know.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
We were a like a house party, everyone's getting high
and drinking, and we hit it off. We were eighteen.
She was a gymnast, I was a fighter. We always
liked each other even when we were kids, and we
started dating. We fell in love, and we were together
(48:48):
for about four or five years. She moved from Jersey
to Manhattan. I was living in Queenstille. We dated the
whole time then, but my addiction gott a control. I
was just fucking getting high, shooting. I started, you know, oxies,
all the whole thing. And she left me, and at
(49:11):
the same time, her best friend Victoria, who were still
really close with my best friend Paul. They were dating,
so we were all like, you know, we were a
whole crew. And he died of an overdose when I
was like twenty one, unfortunately on and I still blame
(49:31):
myself on drugs and that I gave him to sell
and he ended up overdosing. So when that happened, I
decided I got to get sober. I got sober. I
had my first pro fight. I won in the first
(49:51):
round by knockout or submission or something. She saw that
I was over. We got back together, and then I
ended up relapsing. So we were on and off, me
and her finally so she left me. Now for like
five years. We never spoke a word the whole time,
(50:12):
and I got sober, got to you and see, got
my life together. And one day I text her, Hey, Christina,
how are you And she's like, Jared, how did how
did you know? And I was like, what are you
talking about? And she was like, I've had your number
(50:33):
blocked for like five years, and this morning I decided
to unblock you. And that was the first time that
I tried texting her, and fucking who knows how long?
Speaker 2 (50:46):
Oh fuck, I love that. God damn, that's good man.
I was like, I don't know something, just said to.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
Text you and now, and she was like, so listen,
I'll talk to you. I know you're doing well. I
see you're fucking fighting on TV. You're in the UFC. Now, congratulations,
your dream has come true. You know, I was an
amateur fighter when we started dating, and that was always
I used to make her watch You See with me,
(51:13):
and I used to say, I'm gonna be in the
UFC one day, I'm gonna be champion whatever. And she
was like, listen, I'll talk to you, but the only
thing we're gonna talk about is God. She had went
and found guy on her own through her own experiences.
She was she's not an addict. She never fucking was.
(51:35):
I mean, she's you know, drank and soak weed and
partied a little, but she was never an addict.
Speaker 3 (51:42):
And I said, all right, and how did that land
on you? What she said, what're you gonna We're gonna
wrap God.
Speaker 1 (51:47):
That's fine because I found God too, and you know
through AA. So that's how it started. And you know,
we were always in love with each other. So eventually
three months later we we were engaged. Oh wow, and
then we got married. A few like, you know, COVID happened,
so that fucking delayed our wedding and then we got married.
(52:12):
I've turned her twenty nine, two thousand and one.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
Yeah, I'm glad you remember that.
Speaker 2 (52:17):
Man. I wanted to get your ass kicked tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
So because of God, we were able to reconnect. And
my wife's a fucking g dude. She's she owns two businesses.
She's owned one company for ten years. It's the biggest gymnastics,
custom gymnastics, music and choreography company in the country. And
(52:43):
she also owns a A Ninja Warrior gym here in
Boca Ratan. It's like eight thousand square foot gym. Massive,
you know, obstacle course, Jim. She was on the show
American Ninja Warrior four times old her I did terrible,
(53:03):
but yeah, she's been she's been an athlete her whole life.
D one you know gymnast. She did gymnastics her whole life.
She was on American and Warrior and she's a freaking whiz.
All she does is innovate and work and make her
gym better and make her businesses better. And without her,
(53:23):
I would be fucking fucked shed build my website. She
could build web, she could do everything. And she's an
amazing mother. She's a Christian, she can cook, She's Italian.
She fucking cook anything you want.
Speaker 3 (53:40):
You're proud of it.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
I don't know what she's doing with me.
Speaker 2 (53:45):
Oh yeah, well how about she How about she knows
what a winner is?
Speaker 1 (53:50):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (53:51):
How about the fact she probably saw your true essence
and she fell in.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
Love with you.
Speaker 1 (53:56):
I'm grateful and lucky to have her, fucking love her
so much. And uh, to think that I would ever
have to go outside the marriage is like is beyond
me at this point. And that was just the devil
man like lust and lust of flesh and think and
(54:21):
then realizing when those things were over or when I
got done doing those things like that it was never
worth it at all. And then to get caught and
get in trouble was like beyond me even when I
didn't get caught, it was never fucking worth it. I
could have fucking jerked off from the bathroom and it
would have been the same fucking thing. But I gotta
(54:44):
stop doing that too.
Speaker 3 (54:45):
So he guess not doing that too. You know what
it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
And this is kind of a nice place for people
in recovery that come from our type of background, where
you know, we're the guys that roles don't apply. We're special,
you know. We like to cut line. You get to
the place where you just realize there's just no more shortcuts.
I'm gonna play it straight. I'm gonna play it straight
(55:09):
in all my affairs. I just want to play it straight.
I just don't want to. It doesn't feel good anymore. Yeah, right, exactly.
I should not give them fuck. I would do anything
to get over on you. You're right.
Speaker 1 (55:24):
Yeah, Now I'll have this fucking conscience that eats me alive.
Speaker 2 (55:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (55:30):
It's a great And.
Speaker 2 (55:32):
You have an ethical, I believe anyways, an ethical spiritual
responsibility to your little child to be at your highest frequency.
And I hope you get the gift that I One
of the things I'm most proud of, buddy, is my
son Dylan Luke McFarland in he's twenty one, has never
seen me high, never see me drunk, and I'm very
and I never want that to change.
Speaker 1 (55:51):
That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (55:53):
Yeah, Okay, let's go through a couple of things and
then and then I'm gonna we go wrap bub Why
is resentment the number one five?
Speaker 1 (56:02):
It's like setting yourself on fire and like hoping the
guy that you hate guys from smoking halation. It just
eats you up, man, no matter what, If you don't
let it go and free yourself of it, it will
(56:25):
come back to haunt you one way or the other,
no matter what, at least for me. Some people I
don't know, But for me, that's how it works.
Speaker 2 (56:36):
And a lot of listeners are you know, are going
to be interested in, like Jared, congratulations on your sobriety,
congratulations on all your success, your baby, your beautiful wife
and everything. How did you heal from the sexual assault?
How did you make peace with that? Did you forgive
that person? Are you at peace with that? Are you
(56:57):
still haunted by that? What was your process with that?
If you don't might talking about that?
Speaker 1 (57:02):
So for me, yeah, I mean what I've what I've learned,
and what I expect is the case for the person
that did this to me, was that they were also
sexually assaulted and that they so the person was also
(57:29):
like a teenager when it happened to me, like like
you know below seventeen, so like he was also a kid,
you know. So obviously I know that this person is
in a terrible state. So he has been haunted his
(57:51):
whole life and is killing himself slowly. So yeah, I
forgave him, and I forgave myself, and being able to
help others through my experience is my gift for now.
(58:16):
It's almost like my responsibility, Like God put this on
me so I can save others. And although what happened
to me was terrible, I wouldn't change it now because
of how many people I've helped and what and what
(58:36):
I'll continue to do. So I'm at peace with it.
And I've done a ton of therapy and all sorts
of you know, the steps.
Speaker 2 (58:48):
You put the light on it with the work, and
so yeah, that's beautiful, and then let's stay with that
great thing. Buddy. Why is why is service so important
to break free? To be the change agent in the
world that you want to be well.
Speaker 1 (59:02):
Obviously you want to help others and continue to spread
the message to other people that suffer, but more importantly,
to help myself. When I help others, I get this
fulfillment and this peace that I know comes from God
(59:29):
that makes my day better and keeps me from going
back to doing what I used to do. So now
obviously we all know that not only am I helping
other people, but I'm helping myself, and that, to me
is what's important.
Speaker 2 (59:51):
You remind me so much. It's really a nice thing
of my you know. You know, people know that I'm
most famous for treating Mike Tyson for eighteen and why
you remind me of You're obviously a tough guy in
your you know, you can take care of business, but
you understand the importance of saying I'm scared and I
need help.
Speaker 3 (01:00:11):
Can you talk about that thing?
Speaker 1 (01:00:14):
Yeah? I mean, it took me a long time to
get to that point, and then I I've realized I
don't have all the answers, and I know when I've
asked for help before and got help and gotten better,
(01:00:34):
that that could happen again for other problems and for
other instances. So that's the you know, one of those
first steps and it'll take for anyone that's listening and
suffering is that can't do it on your own. Obviously
(01:00:57):
whatever you're doing is clearly not working. So that was
also the biggest thing was I realized, like, well, everything
I've done and I've tried a lot, and I've tried
many different ways to help myself and it never worked.
And then finally, once I gave up and gave the
seering will to someone else, God first, and then professionals,
(01:01:18):
my life got better.
Speaker 2 (01:01:20):
Right right, So why don't we in this? Buddy? What
do you want to say to the folks out there
that are struggling, that are relapsing. Then I have a
hard time getting a momentum that are in deep, deep depression,
which I know you've been in sobriety, that are thinking
about maybe I don't want to be on this plant anymore.
What's your message to them?
Speaker 1 (01:01:40):
No matter how far down and out you think you are,
there's always a way out, and there's always someone that
has a way worse than you. You're still breathing, and
you can still walk and talk and hear and see,
then you have the ability to get your life together.
(01:02:02):
I've seen people go from zero to hero and find
your higher power and get help, ask a professional, go
to a meeting. You just got to put a little
smidgeon of work in. That's all it takes at first.
(01:02:24):
So a little effort, a little honesty, be honest, and
don't be scared to reach out for a professional help.
If you need detox, if you need a hospital or
a treatment center, go and clear your mind of the fog.
(01:02:45):
That's like. That was for me. That was number. Once
I was separated from the drugs and the alcohol and
I was able to think clearly, then the choices that
I made were were easier and more than the fireball,
the good choices. So it's never too late. Find your God,
(01:03:08):
find your higher power, and get help. And then once
you do that, continue to help others and keep working
the program, because we only get our daily reprieve from
this without without doing something daily, you're liable to to
(01:03:34):
fall off the road.
Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Beautiful, beautiful buddy, thank you for making time. I know
it's later there, it's this has been incredible blessing. I
got mad love for you. I can't wait to see
your next fight and next time you want to buy
one hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker 3 (01:03:51):
Car, Call your buddy Scena. I might help you out.
Speaker 2 (01:03:53):
First.
Speaker 3 (01:03:53):
They give me a shouting. The guccie suit's cool. Call
me about the.
Speaker 1 (01:03:56):
Audi though, will you I got it?
Speaker 3 (01:03:58):
And would you be a favorite.
Speaker 2 (01:03:59):
But you give your wife a big hug for me
and tell her I love you guys, and I'm so
proud of what you guys are doing together.
Speaker 3 (01:04:05):
All that means the world to me. All right, godspeed, brother,
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:04:09):
The Sino Show is a production of iHeart Podcasts, hosted
by me Cina McFarlane, produced by pod People in twenty eighth.
Av Our lead producer is Keith Carlick. Our executive producer
is Lindsay Hoffman. Marketing lead is Ashley Weaver. Thank you
so much for listening. We'll see you next week.
I was shooting so much coke that I was going
into these crazy psychosis hours and until I would pass out,
you know, I'll shoot it off heroin to finally pass out,
and then I would wake up and do it all
over again. And I was so paranoid, and I thought
these midget FBI agents were like following me.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
And I hate the benching FBI guys. They're very smart
and clever. How great is it to be sober?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Brother, It's the.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Greatest gift I ever gave myself. I was getting arrested
for home invasion robberies. I was getting arrested from you know,
possessions and all sorts of crazy shit. I was homeless panhandler,
and then within a year of that, I was fighting
in the UFC at the highest level of MMn.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Welcome back to the Sino Show. I'm your host. You know,
I'm like fine.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Today we have a absolute lawyer in the house.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Straight up.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
He's a UFC lightweight who's fought some of the toughest
guys in the Vision. But his biggest fight hasn't just
been inside the cage, has been outside of the two.
He's battled addiction, overcome personal demons, and turned his life
around to become an inspiration to so many people. He's
a new friend, but he feels like an old friend
because he speaks my love language, which is, how can
(01:23):
I fucking help? Man? Uh, it's my absolute pleasure to
welcome Jared Flash Gordon of The show.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Welcome brother.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Thank you, Cina, Appreciate it. Appreciate it man. Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Are you You're in New York City right now?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Right?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
No?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
So I'm from Queens, New York, but I live in
South Florida and beach.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Oh fuck you?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Okay you're oh ray, Oh, I didn't know that. Okay,
sober living capital of the world.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Yeah, it was coincidental. I didn't come down here to
get sober. My wife was just living here. Uh and
know it's warm and sunny, it's nicer than the Queen's
So I was like, ah, I'll move to Florida and
there's good training here. So it just made sense.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Beautiful, beautiful. We're definitely talking about your wife because she's
a fucking badass. We're going to get into that. Can
we just start How great is it to be sober? Brother?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
The greatest gift I ever gave myself.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Right, you've been to so many treatment centers, homeless shelters,
walk a little bit to that final moment where you
literally tapped out and said I'm done, I'm out, which
I think was nine years ago.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Right correct. I mean, you know, just like everyone else,
it all started when I was a young boy, and
you know, the root of all my problems, obviously stammers
from trauma. You know, all my addictions, all the way
I the ways I acted out, my anger, my resentments,
(02:57):
my whatever you want to call it. It was all
from trauma that you know I saw or was abused
by when I was a kid, and I was I
think I mentioned this job, was sexually assaulted when I
was a young boy by another man, and that was.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
All the way you held when they when that happened,
I was eight years old.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Eight years old, right, yeah, full on sexual assault. And
obviously right then and there it changed me. You know,
that was like the pivotal moment of my life. You know,
I was only eight years old. But shortly after that,
when I was I turned nine, like a month or
two later, and I started smoking pot and you know,
(03:46):
stealing beers from my parents, stealing my dad's cigarettes, you know,
going into the the woods behind people's houses smoking cigarettes,
And after that I moved to Queens, where I spent
the most of the remainder of my life. And from
(04:07):
then on it was all about consuming drugs and just
wanting to feel something different. And for me, like I
liked pot, I liked alcohol, I liked you know, Benzo's
(04:28):
loved cocaine. Found opiates when I was a little older,
fell in love with opiates, became my you know, drug choice,
and then eventually, you know, first it started with you know,
regular not not really a unique opiate story, started with
(04:48):
percocets and viking Ins, found oxy, delauded, all the pain meds,
you know, boxy, morphone, whatever, and eventually led me to heroin,
ivy heroin, and then ivy coke and crack heroin. Tried
meth a few times. I didn't really love it. Plus
(05:10):
being where I was from in New York, it wasn't
like a big thing. Loved ivy, cocaine and heroin. That's
how I met my bottom. But yeah, like you said,
in and out of treatment centers from when I was twenty,
(05:31):
multiple detoxes, therapeutic communities, long term treatment, crisis centers, homeless shelters,
jail I was facing twenty five to life for a
home invasion, robbery, fell any, battery, homelessness, panhandling, and on
(05:53):
Christmas Eve two thousand and fifteen, I had my I
asked overdose and I woke up in the hospital on
the twenty sixth and left the hospital because I was
(06:14):
dope sick, got high one more time, and I went
to detox that night. So my sober date is the
twenty seventh of December twenty fifteen, and yeah, I've been
sober since, Thanks the Lord.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
The listeners are going to want to know what happened.
Did it get lifted from you? Did you have experience
spiritual experience? Then? How did you go from full on
junkie commitment this is my life to like one day
you're sober and you don't want to use.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
So I got introduced to AA when I was twenty
twenty one or twenty two, and you know, my first
AA meeting it was like it was like taking a
freaking astro science physicist. You know, I'm looking at all
(07:11):
this and hearing all this stuff and I just couldn't
comprehend or also I wasn't listening really so but the
seed was planted, you know, and like I understood that
people came here and got sober. So through the years,
(07:32):
all the treatment centers trying to get sober, and I
had a few years of abstinence. So like I always
I went to meetings, and then I would stop going.
I would go to one or two, you know, get high,
(07:54):
get high, you know, and go to the get high,
go to the meeting. I would get sober. I would
come out, you know, just in and out, in and out.
And but over after years, you know, six years of
going in and out of meetings, the seed had taken root,
you know. And I sold my older brother, who's sober
(08:18):
as well, get sober through AA. And I knew a
lot of other people that were sober, you know, twenty
five thirty forty years. A lot of people that were
family friends, people that I knew from the neighborhood. You know,
I grew up in Queens, so it's the recovery community
(08:41):
is heavy. There a lot of old Irish Italian guys,
you know, in these meetings, and I had to This
guy became my first sponsor, my buddy, Tommy, Tommy Mack.
I grew up in my neighborhood, Irish guys sober like
thirty something years now, and my dad knew him for
(09:03):
years and was like trying to get Tommy to help me.
And Tommy was trying to help me, but I was
in and out and I would go to meetings with
him and then and then finally when I got sober,
or when I went to Detox, I got into you know,
rehab state run facility in New York. It was it
(09:23):
was terrible, but it was also I was like so
comfortable in there after being on the street shooting dope
and coke and and like going into this place was
like like like I was in heaven and I was warm,
I had food, there was movies. It was like it
was like I was fucking living in paradise.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
And he was like listen, you gotta he'said find your
higher power, find God. And he would always say that
to me, go to meetings. So I was in there
and it it was the beginning of June. I just
came from Detox. They brought me to this place. It
was called Creedmorn. It was in insane asylum, but they
(10:08):
had a it was like a major compound in Queen's
State Room Facility major psych ward insane asylum, but on
the property they had an alcohol substance abuse center and
like ninety nine percent of the people they were mandated,
you know, by drug courts. But it was the only
place I can get into. I didn't have insurn. Sir
(10:31):
Noman was about to pay cash for me to go
to treatment, so it took what I can get and
I get there. It's like January third or fourth, and
one night it dumps like six feet of snow and
I remember looking out the window and I was clean
now for like two weeks, so I was feeling better.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
You know.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I was nice and warm. I had a hoodie on.
I remember, I had sweatpants on. It was like a
Friday night Christmas, you know, I had just passed, so
like all the Christmas decorations were still up, and it
was like movie night, you know, Friday night. They gave us,
you know, Friday night they would let us do whatever,
play cards, watch movies. And I remember, you know, I
was all warm, and I was staring out the window
(11:18):
watching the snow pile up, and I remember thinking like
like closing my eyes and being like oh, thank you God,
you know, and at that time, like saying that was
just like like something that I would say, Like I
(11:40):
wasn't religious, I didn't know God the way I know
him now. But like I remember saying that and being
like wait a minute, like actually, thank you God, you know.
Speaker 3 (11:53):
And I remember.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Seeing the snow pile up and thinking like all right,
I'm not there's nowhere for me to go, like this
is it like? And I remember saying like I'm done, dude,
I'm defeated.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
The weeks leading up to that, I was I'm not
trying to like romanticize, but like I was robbing drug
dealers because I had no money, and you know, I
was using my physical abilities to get over on people
and the running, the running and the cop in and
(12:30):
outside in Queens, New York, the cops, freezing weather, the
you know, I'm in the projects, like.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I just.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Couldn't do it anymore. And I was shooting so much
coke that I was going into these crazy psychosis hours
until I would pass out, you know, I'll shoot en
off heroin to finally pass out, and then I would
wake up and do it all over again. And I
was so paranoid, and I thought these midget FBI agents
(13:01):
were like following me and.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I hate the Midge FBI guys. They're very smart and clever,
they're very fast. Those fuckers get me every time.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
I would be like, what the fuck looking around, like
any shadow I soul? I don't. It was like a
fucking cop or something, and you know, I just couldn't
do it anymore. I was like, I can't. I'm fucking
going crazy. And so I was like, all right, I'll
do it. I'll fucking go to meetings I wanted at
(13:30):
that point, I wanted to. I was like, I can't,
I can't do this anymore. And not to mention like
I had a career still and so before I started
really shooting dope, like I had already started my MMA career,
I was, oh, you started it then, when didn't you
actually start it? Yeah? I started fighting when I was seventeen. Yeah,
(13:54):
So I started shooting dope and I was like twenty
two or twenty three, like real like shooting. I was
shooting ox sees and shit before that, but like really
like cop and dope and you know, doing the real
was when I was like twenty late twenty two or
twenty three, and you know, I did really well as
an amateur. I was an amateur champion. Then I went
(14:16):
pro when I was twenty two, and I would get
these brief you know, a few months or six months
a year of clean time where I was just abstinent
and I was using mma and training as my way
to stay sober, and I would fight, fight, fight and win.
(14:36):
I would win, win, win, rake up a couple, rack
up a couple of wins, and then I'd have shoulder
surgery or something. I'd relapse, and then I would get
clean again. I would rack up a bunch of wins,
and then another time I had another I had a
face surgery. I'd a plate put in my face. I
was in the head Tromi unit for like five six days.
(15:00):
They're pumping me with morphine and the lauded. So naturally,
without a program, I came out, started shooting dope, and
then I finally got sober. And within a year of
getting sober and finding my higher power, going to meetings,
doing the steps I was, I got signed to UFC,
(15:25):
so I got sober. I had a big fight like
six months after getting sober. I won. Then I had
a fight shortly after that, and then like exactly basically
a year later, I had a fight. Dana White was there.
I was the main event. I won the fight. The
guy eventually also got into UFC and Dana signed me
(15:53):
that night. So I got into UFC.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
How when Dana signed you that night? When Dana signed
you that night, how long were you sober?
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Thirteen months?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Thirteen months? And you were what twenty five? Then twenty four,
twenty seven? Then okay, so let's walk into let's keep going.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Then I was like, for you, I just turned twenty eight.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Magical moment for you, right, say that again, magical moment
for you when he signed you.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Yeah, it was pretty surreal, pretty fucking crazy. I was
shooting heroin and coke. I was living in this fucking street,
you know, right right. I was just like doing crazy shit.
I was getting arrested for home invasion robberies. I was
getting arrested for you know, possessions and all sorts of
(16:48):
crazy shit. I was homeless panhandlers. Yeah, and then within
the year of that, I was fighting in the UC
at the highest level of MMA. So it's pretty.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Let's let's walk through your Let's walk through your boxing
journey a little bit. Then I'm gonna tie it into
your sobriety and some amazing lessons about your fighting career
and sobriety that I've learned about you. All Right, where
do we go after that fight? After he signed you?
What's next?
Speaker 1 (17:22):
So I've been in the UFC for the last eight
years and a lot of ups and downs. I eventually,
a few years later, I got engaged to a girl
that I've known since sixth grade actually mine now wife,
and she had you know, left me when I was
(17:45):
shooting dope. It was the girl that got away. I
got her back. We got married, We have we just
had our first child six weeks ago. Yeah, congratulations man,
baby girl.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Oh that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
That's fucking insane. Uh. The house I'm in my own,
you know, I've owned, you know, I had another house,
I sold a bought a bigger one. Have everything that
I want and need. I got a dog I can
take care of. And life's insane. But yeah, a lot
of ups and downs, man, And you know, dealing with
(18:22):
all sorts of other issues. Like once I was separated
from the drugs and alcohol, you know, I started acting,
got in all these other ways. Yeah, I'll open walk
into the casino and lose ten k I'll judge every
person that walks by me. I'll fucking watch porn. I'll
(18:47):
go to rub and tug. I'll fucking floor with girls
to make sure I still got I don't know why.
I'll do ours all sorts of shit man by ship
that I don't need, and regret it because I think
shiny shit is going to make me happy. I won't
(19:09):
be there for my wife the way I should be.
I'm selfish or you know, will I'm working on it, okay,
you know, I'll act out in any way you asked
me to. I'll fuck. I'm addicted to training, I'm addicted
to food. I'm addicted to fucking the Sopranos. Look, Tony's
(19:33):
on the wall. I'll watch the Sopranos seven fucking thousand
hours a week. I'll do anything in excess. And it's
just my as you know, my disease trying to take
me down any way that it can. I think it
really it realizes like, oh, this motherfucker he stopped doing
(19:53):
drugs and he and and he's not going back. So
how can we take this prick down? You know? All right,
let's get him fucking in trouble somehow. And as an addict,
I'll do anything in excess. So it's like I've gotten
in trouble doing all sorts of things, even in my sobriety.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
You know, right, yes you have.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
And and and and let's.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Talk to the listeners, buddy, and thank you for being
so honest. That's the one thing that you're always straight man,
with all these different things. There's physical sobriety, of course,
emotional sobriety. You're talking about these other addictions and stuff.
What are you learning, How are you combating that? How
are you making peace with that? How are you staying
absent in these other areas of your life?
Speaker 1 (20:41):
So like, you know, I fought once I stopped getting
high and drinking that everything was all right, you know,
And that not only lasts for so long or unless
you're like a single guy with no responsibilities. But even then,
(21:03):
when you're doing those kinds of things, you'll get yourself
in trouble, even if you don't have to answer to
a wife or a girlfriend or something or a significant other.
So like, I've realized that nothing will give me fulfillment
(21:28):
unless it's creative out of true love and from God,
or aligns with what God wants me to do on
a daily basis and in all of my affairs. So
(21:50):
I'm like, you know, I just always think like, why
isn't this working out for me? Why did this happen?
And then I would think like, f God, he hates me,
or he's punishing me, or he's not real. Meanwhile, I
know in the back of my head that without him,
(22:13):
I would never have gotten sober and I would never
be where I am today. But I easily forget that
shit because I also think the devil's working to take
me down in any any way he can.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Darkness is very patient, and you're right, it's not gonna
come through the door of just you're gonna shoot up again.
It's gonna come through these other avenues.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
But let me ask you this, brother, So, what's your technique?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
You're jumpy, your irritable, your body's fucked up, you know,
and I'm gonna make something up, and you want to
go to the Gucci store and buy a new tracksuit
that you don't need because you got twenty of them.
What's your technique to not go to the Gucci store
and buy a five thousand dollars track seat that you
don't need.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
Well, luckily, I have all these resources, and I have
a lot of people around me that have my best
interest at heart. Sponsors, I got friends. My fucking wife
will tell me right away, why the fuck are you
gonna buy that, you idiot. She's probably the first person
(23:17):
that I can go to that will set me straight
right away, you know.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
And blessing that is man.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I mean the program AA N A C A SLAA,
the Fellowship in general, twelve steps is a divine gift.
God gave us that gift. And when you really start
(23:44):
to understand it and listen to all those fucking corny sounding,
you know, sayings that they have, you know, uh, dial
dial the dial, the numbers, don't file them, make a meeting, prey.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
A c shell pass one day at a time, keep
coming back. That shit is real, big time and it.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
All fucking works. Like There's so many things that I
can do if I'm feeling a certain way. Sometimes, like
the other day, I was feeling I was kind of
pissed off about something, and I was like, I'm going
for a run, and I fucking ran like seven miles
at like a retarded pace, And when I came back,
I was like, oh, I feel so much better. Took
(24:36):
a shower, ate some food, past out, or I'll jump
on a meeting. We got these fucking computers. You could
go on a meeting anytime of day, where you could
walk into a meeting anytime a day, basically, And this
is the way I've stayed sober. And now that i've
(24:58):
been so i've been going. I've been not out of
SLA for like three four three and a half four years.
I've really put it into practice. Thank God, I'd be
I'll be sober off all my bottom lines for like
one hundred something days now, one hundred and four hundred days.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Dereck. For the listeners who don't know, please explain what
SLA is, Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
So SLA is Sex Love Addiction Anonymous, and it's not
just about sex. It's about people that struggle with the
various amount of maladies. You could just be someone that
fantasizes all day, someone that wants validation, someone that needs
(25:43):
to be in a relationship, codependency, people that are addicted
to sex, porn and masturbation, any kind of sexual problem.
If you're in the rubbin togue, if you're masturbating, if prostitutes,
or if you just run through and she not your wife.
(26:04):
And it to me, SLIA is step six and seven
through and through your character defects and your shorecomings. In
the big books page step six and seven as well,
like two pages or something. The short but it's the
(26:27):
mean potatoes of the program. And SLA is like going
to get your fucking PhD in AA graduate school, and like,
I'm so blown away by it because like, even though
I was sober from drugs and alcohol, I always had
(26:48):
this void to fill. And although AA give gave me
a daily reprieve from that feeling, I was feel missing
like a little bit. And now that I'm in SLAA,
(27:08):
that hole has been filled a little more and it
feels a lot better. Even though I know I'll never
probably fill that hole inside of me completely, I can
feel it enough every day to where that little bit
of emptiness is not gonna throw me off kilter. So
(27:35):
without these programs, man, there's no way people say, oh
I would be in prison, I'd be fucking dead. There's
no way that I would be in prison because the
way I use and the way I i'm like, I
always think about Joe Peshi in Casino when he's like,
(27:57):
see I don't give a fuck about jail because I'm
fucking stupid. That's me. I don't give a fuck about
the UFC. I don't give a fuck about my wife.
I don't give a fuck about my baby. I don't
give a fuck about all the shit I have. I'll
go fuck everything up because I don't give a fuck
and I'm fucking stupid. But I am smart enough to
(28:23):
recognize that I don't have to do that anymore. I
used to do it every day, but now I know
there's a better way to live. And even today something happened,
so like I was supposed to fight, like you know, yeah,
(28:43):
week and a half ago, I get to Vegas. I
fucking get an airbnb for me, my whole team. I
got like six guys with me. You know, when I
go to a fight, it's fucking it's men. We're going
to fight in a cage to make money, and I
gotta bring the whole team with me. My nutrition is
my coaching, expensive, very expensive Airbam, you're paying those costs,
(29:08):
fucking car rental, car rental, plane tickets, all the money
you gotta spend while you're there. Whatever I go, I
fucking make weight. I cut eighteen pounds in four days
to make weight. Fight gets canceled. I'm like, the fuck
in order for me to get paid, in order I'll
(29:29):
have to fight, I gotta fight to get paid. So
I'm thinking, what the fuck are they gonna pay me
my show money? So I speak to the matchmaker after
and I'm like, Yo, what's up? And He's like, yeah, yeah,
we'll get you books soon. I gotta talk to Dana
about what we're gonna do. Okay, So I'm waiting, and
(29:51):
you know, after you fight, like win or lose, a
day later, you get a wire to your bank from
the from ZUFA, which is the UFC for however much
money you make Monday comes off them, Tuesday comes nothing.
I'm fucking pissed.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
I'm thinking, fucking God hates me, this motherfucker I gotta
I'm praying to this motherfucker for nine years. I'm being obedient.
I'm fucking chitting on my wife. I'm not fucking jerking
off in the fucking bathroom. I'm not going to the
fucking rubbing tugs. I'm not fucking hurting anyone. I'm trying.
(30:30):
I'm helping people. I'm doing everything I can here. I'm
praying to you every day. My wife is the patient
Christian Italian woman who cooks and cleans, owns two businesses,
works her ass off. Is an athlete also, and she's like,
(30:50):
jaredy be patient, God guide you no matter what, You'll
be taken care of. And me, I'm like, I said,
I'm fucking stupid. I don't give a fuck fuck this.
I'm fucking breaking. I'm you know, I'm fucking today. And
then finally I was like, you know what, like like
two days ago, I was like, I'm done. Whatever it is,
(31:12):
what it is, I'll get through it. God, I love you.
I'm sorry for turning my back on you. Today, I'm
fucking going to get a Cortato del rights. You can
beautiful outside. I'm fucking enjoying the weather. All my windows
are down and I'm just thinking talking to God. And
I look down and I see I get a text
(31:33):
message from the Matchmaker review. See hey, dried, thank you
for being so patient. You should get a wire today
for your show money. We're gonna get you booked right away.
We're looking for a fight for you. I'm like, thank
you so much. You don't know what this means to
me bah blah blah, and I turned my back on
(31:58):
him again. God no, and that He's always fucking brought
me through no matter what.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
Why do you do that, man, when there's overwhelming empirical data.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
God always has your back, brother, Why do you do that?
Speaker 1 (32:15):
I think I'm still that nine eight year old kid
at times that I got fucking sexual assaulted. Yes, I've
got trust issues. Yeah, I'm fucking I get punched in
my head for a living. I get angry. I want
(32:37):
I'm so eager and wanting and able to. I want
to support my family. I want to be able to
pay our mort against, pay our bills, bring us on vacation,
pay for my baby. I got a new borness. I
got a six year old little thing that doesn't it
can't do anything without us, And all I want to
do is care for them and not let them. Well,
(33:03):
my wife's been through her own shit, but my baby
I want to get for everything I can to make
her not have to go through the shit that I
went through. And so I'm just like I need to.
I need to get money in order to support them.
And that's like how Meanwhile, I know money, Like now
(33:24):
that I got the wire I'm like, I feel the same.
It's like when I bought this one hundred thousand dollars cars,
the fucking dumbest thing I ever did in my life.
I bought this car that I loved my whole life,
was Audi RS five. I bought it brand new, and
my wife I showed up with the car. My wife's like,
what the fuck are you crazy? I'm like, oh, I
(33:47):
got It's all good. That car was a fucking burden
all my life. Every day I would walk outside and
every time I filled it up, I was like, ninety dollars,
you motherfucker. Only time I paid the fucking payment and
the car insurance. I was like, why did I do
(34:07):
this to myself? Even though I loved the car and
it was fucking fun and beautiful, it was a burden
out of my life. It was the last thing I needed.
And then I realized, you know, I bought a Rolex.
I've done all sorts of stupid shit, nice things, fucking
two thousand dollars, you know, all sorts of dumb shit.
Choose this that, And I'm like, why did I do this?
(34:28):
I could have done something else, way more worth it.
And then the shiny shit doesn't do nothing for me.
And God and helping others, being of service, being there
for my family, the love that I get from my family,
my parents, Thank God for my parents. Without them might
(34:48):
be fucking gone. My brother's, my mother in law, my
sisters and brothers, brother in law. That's all I'm matters.
And obviously my sobriety number after God, my sobriety, and
then everyone else. And that's all that fucking and that's
(35:11):
all that ever gives me lasting fulfillment. I'll buy something nice.
It's like buying a new pair of sneakers. You're like, oh,
look at my fucking shoes, and then three weeks later
you're like, fuck these shoes. I need a new pair.
They're all scuffed up, you know. And And today that
(35:32):
I was punching my steering wheel when I got that
text message, thank you God, I'm sorry for fucking being
an asshole always, and I think it's all right, Like
and I could see him like he's like, I know
who you are and what you are, so it's okay.
(35:52):
And that's the best part about Jesus God, what I
call him, is that I know he's always gonna forgive
me and always love me and as long as I'm
true to him and being obedient. So I said something
in your meeting that day where I realized God's not
punishing me.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
He doesn't want me, he does not he doesn't hurting me.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
He's always there. It's it's me blocking my own blessings.
And I truly believe that that's what it is. When
I do something stupid that I shouldn't be doing, or
if I'm unfaithful somehow, or if I'm fucking being an
asshole to someone, I feel like there's like a little
(36:38):
darkness comes in and it blocks the light from coming through. Man,
And I've realized that, like it's me, I am. I heard.
I saw a meme today. It said, if I gave
you a million dollars, but you're the worst enemy, would
(37:02):
also get two million dollars. Would you be okay with that?
And the person said, why would I turn down three
million dollars?
Speaker 2 (37:15):
So that's me, bro, Yeah, I get it. Never I
think you'll appreciate this, it really enemy. Yeah. Yeah. Well,
the hopefully your journey will be you're your best friend
to yourself, because that's the most important thing. You'll get there.
Speaker 3 (37:29):
I know you will.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Actually you know uh. I was speaking to uh forgive
the name drop. Robert Downey was mentioning this, and he
was at the Grammys and was talking to some friends
and he said, do you know what I have.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
That nobody else has?
Speaker 1 (37:45):
Here?
Speaker 2 (37:45):
And they're all going, oh, you know, the one hundred
million dollar house, the jet, the perfect family, you know,
go through the Listenersge goes, No, you know what I have?
I have enough. I have He's the best, He's the
fucking bet Roberts the best. I have enough. And that's
the gift to know that you have enough. But you know,
(38:06):
and and let me let me move. You talk about
patience and my God, brother, in your business, the injuries.
You've had a bullshit call on a fight that you
clearly won. You had the concussion episode before the fight,
this last thing in the last minute, he got called off,
and you know it. Really, let's talk about patients. And
(38:26):
you talked about a little bit and you don't, you don't.
You've not gotten out over the stuff, tough stuff. How
do you hang in there? How do you keep the
faith going? Man?
Speaker 1 (38:35):
Honestly, I think God is waiting for me to be
ready to take on all the things that would calm
if some of those things went my way, I think
he's waiting for me. So the thing when Patty happened,
(38:57):
I got. I clearly won that fight and they gave
it to him. And before that or after that, was
the headbutt. And then I won in Madison Square Garden
in my hometown, which was fucking amazing. And then I
fought in Saudi Arabia. Clearly won the fight and they
gave it to some Arab kid, and I was like,
we fucking serious again, and I think I was gonna
(39:20):
lose it. Whatever. I dealt with that pretty well, and
then this thing happened. But I started. I got into
s l a A in November is when, or is
when I really gave myself to the program. So I
(39:42):
fought that kid in Saudi Arabia in June of last year.
But I was still fucking around after that. Wow, being
a fucking devious prick, you know the rub and tug
(40:02):
mm hm, and so like this thing sucked, this last one.
Not fighting. All I did was make Wayne. I got
a substantial amount of money, So that was like best
case scenario, Like it was like the only thing that
(40:25):
sucks is that I didn't fight and win. Right, So
I think he's setting me up for something bigger, and
now that I'm stopped, I'm stopping myself from blocking those blessings.
I think he's like, all right, you're you're you're ready,
(40:48):
or maybe you're almost ready for what you want.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Yeah, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
Let me tell you something. You know, anytime I would
go out there to fight, in the back of my head,
I knew that I was doing some dirty shit still,
and it does no matter how fucking prepared you are. Man,
(41:16):
when you're fucking guilty.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
When that fuck is on you, it's on and it
won't go away no matter what. I love you for
talking about this. Thank you. Man.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
When you know that maybe there's some karma coming your way,
it's really hard to be confident and go out there
and say I'm gonna fuck this guy. I deserve this shit.
I'm gonna fuck this guy up, even if you know
you're better. That's why I think I was going out
there fighting these fights, winning and still a loser.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Yeah, Oh that's fun. That's so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
Man.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
I would be like, how, like I don't understand, like
I won the fight. Why is the other guy's hand
in the air? And it's because I knew it. It's
because I was being a fuck up. I was being
a dick, and that's a great lesson for I free
myself of that. And it's the best feeling I've ever
(42:09):
given myself knowing that. Thank God, my wife's a Christian
because she forgave me and is working through this with me.
But now I know I'm not being a piece of
shit to my wife.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Buddy, I hope you give yourself the gift of your
next fight, and I can't wait to watch it of being.
Speaker 3 (42:37):
Being completely clean.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
And I want to see this version of you where
there's not a speck of funk on you.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
Man, exactly. That's the thing, Bro, I might look shiny
and nice, somewhere, there was a black fucking hole in me.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
You know, Yeah, I get it. But he walked the
listeners through because it's a it's a it's a scene
I hope to see in the movie someday. You know,
a lot of people don't know Madison Square Garden underneath it.
You know, there's a whole another world going on there, right.
They don't know that you.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Don't fucking zombul down there.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
You know, it's crazy, man, And you were shooting up dope,
You're out of your fucking mind, you're on the nod,
you're Panhalen, You're doing all your crazy shit, and then
you end up fucking fighting at MSG.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
Yeah, so it's enough. I have a major history there.
So I was born in Manhattan, not far like thirty
blocks from MSG. My older brother was born there too.
My grandparents grew up in Harlem, which is you know,
northern Manhattan. MSG's like Midtown Manhattan and you know Raising Queen's.
(43:47):
I would take the subway into Manhattan every day and
train at Henzel Graci's, which is three blocks from MSG.
So I get out of the train at Penn Station
or down the block, and I would walk pennas MSG
with my bag on to go to the gym. And
I would see it every day and think I'm gonna
(44:08):
fight there one day. And my years of going in
and out of that gym, fucking nine ten years or
whatever it was. You know, I was getting high and
I would take the subway and I would fucking be
so sick or whatever that I wouldn't I couldn't even
(44:31):
get out of the subba. I would go into a
bathroom stall in the subway in Penn Station, which is
underneath I miss g I can shoot dope. All of
those restaurants, the pizzerias, the shitty beza places, Yeah, fresh
and co there was a coffee spot, uh, Japanese. I
used to go to the there's a Korean restaurant. I
(44:52):
used to go to all of them and fucking go
in there and buy a soda or something. Man, can
I use the bathroom and fucking go in there and
shoot up And I would skin high and henzo old.
That's so that was my stomping grounds. And and then yeah, man,
I fucking my grandfather fought at MSG also three times. Wow,
he was a four boxer, and yeah, so I get
(45:16):
to fight a guy there. He was a silver medal
Olympic champion from Denmark. I knocked him out in the
first round.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
And it was fucking unbelievable, so insane.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
The ship we get to do in surprise extraordinary, right, man.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
I can't who knows what's to come. That's the best
it's gonna be as long as we stay. Get get
the fuck.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Out of the way, exactly, Get out of your own
get out of the way. So let me ask you
this let's talk about your wife. She's amazing. But I
wanted to our listeners. They're like, wait, how did how
did they get back together?
Speaker 3 (45:58):
How did she end up trusting you? How did you
get the trust back?
Speaker 2 (46:00):
Well, I know, we're still working on it, but yeah, so.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Yeah, I've known my wife since first grade. We met
each other when we were six years old, which is insane.
So yeah, I've known my wife for thirty years already.
I'm thirty six, so pretty fucking crazy. And so my
(46:28):
dad's just real quick. When I was Father's Day two
thousand and one, right before nine to eleven, my father's
business exploded in Long Island City, Queens and killed three
FDNY guys and injured like sixty other firefighters and NYPD officers. Yeah,
(46:55):
on Father's Day. It was called the Father's Day Fire.
It was the deadliest fire in New York City since
nineteen sixty nine. And then fucking nine to eleven happened
and obviously swept that under the rug. But when that happened,
we were living in Long Island, the Nashau County, in
like a really nice neighborhood and we had to be
(47:18):
closer to the business, and it was fucking really expensive
where we were living, so we moved to Queen's. So
I had moved to Queens. The year before that, my
wife's father died in a plane crash, his own, his
(47:39):
own jet. He was flying his own plane and it
crashed and unfortunately him and another man were killed. Shortly
after that, she moved to Florida, to boy and Beach
and she went to school here. So I moved to Queen's.
(48:00):
We both turned eighteen. High school's over. She's going back
to Rutgers in New Jersey for gymnastics. She was a
D one athlete. And I saw her at a house
party at an old friend, you know, an old friend's
house that we went to school with, And I was like,
oh shit, Crisino, what's up. And I wasn't drinking because
(48:23):
I was getting ready for a fight.
Speaker 3 (48:25):
You know.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
We were a like a house party, everyone's getting high
and drinking, and we hit it off. We were eighteen.
She was a gymnast, I was a fighter. We always
liked each other even when we were kids, and we
started dating. We fell in love, and we were together
(48:48):
for about four or five years. She moved from Jersey
to Manhattan. I was living in Queenstille. We dated the
whole time then, but my addiction gott a control. I
was just fucking getting high, shooting. I started, you know, oxies,
all the whole thing. And she left me, and at
(49:11):
the same time, her best friend Victoria, who were still
really close with my best friend Paul. They were dating,
so we were all like, you know, we were a
whole crew. And he died of an overdose when I
was like twenty one, unfortunately on and I still blame
(49:31):
myself on drugs and that I gave him to sell
and he ended up overdosing. So when that happened, I
decided I got to get sober. I got sober. I
had my first pro fight. I won in the first
(49:51):
round by knockout or submission or something. She saw that
I was over. We got back together, and then I
ended up relapsing. So we were on and off, me
and her finally so she left me. Now for like
five years. We never spoke a word the whole time,
(50:12):
and I got sober, got to you and see, got
my life together. And one day I text her, Hey, Christina,
how are you And she's like, Jared, how did how
did you know? And I was like, what are you
talking about? And she was like, I've had your number
(50:33):
blocked for like five years, and this morning I decided
to unblock you. And that was the first time that
I tried texting her, and fucking who knows how long?
Speaker 2 (50:46):
Oh fuck, I love that. God damn, that's good man.
I was like, I don't know something, just said to.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
Text you and now, and she was like, so listen,
I'll talk to you. I know you're doing well. I
see you're fucking fighting on TV. You're in the UFC. Now, congratulations,
your dream has come true. You know, I was an
amateur fighter when we started dating, and that was always
I used to make her watch You See with me,
(51:13):
and I used to say, I'm gonna be in the
UFC one day, I'm gonna be champion whatever. And she
was like, listen, I'll talk to you, but the only
thing we're gonna talk about is God. She had went
and found guy on her own through her own experiences.
She was she's not an addict. She never fucking was.
(51:35):
I mean, she's you know, drank and soak weed and
partied a little, but she was never an addict.
Speaker 3 (51:42):
And I said, all right, and how did that land
on you? What she said, what're you gonna We're gonna
wrap God.
Speaker 1 (51:47):
That's fine because I found God too, and you know
through AA. So that's how it started. And you know,
we were always in love with each other. So eventually
three months later we we were engaged. Oh wow, and
then we got married. A few like, you know, COVID happened,
so that fucking delayed our wedding and then we got married.
(52:12):
I've turned her twenty nine, two thousand and one.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
Yeah, I'm glad you remember that.
Speaker 2 (52:17):
Man. I wanted to get your ass kicked tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
So because of God, we were able to reconnect. And
my wife's a fucking g dude. She's she owns two businesses.
She's owned one company for ten years. It's the biggest gymnastics,
custom gymnastics, music and choreography company in the country. And
(52:43):
she also owns a A Ninja Warrior gym here in
Boca Ratan. It's like eight thousand square foot gym. Massive,
you know, obstacle course, Jim. She was on the show
American Ninja Warrior four times old her I did terrible,
(53:03):
but yeah, she's been she's been an athlete her whole life.
D one you know gymnast. She did gymnastics her whole life.
She was on American and Warrior and she's a freaking whiz.
All she does is innovate and work and make her
gym better and make her businesses better. And without her,
(53:23):
I would be fucking fucked shed build my website. She
could build web, she could do everything. And she's an
amazing mother. She's a Christian, she can cook, She's Italian.
She fucking cook anything you want.
Speaker 3 (53:40):
You're proud of it.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
I don't know what she's doing with me.
Speaker 2 (53:45):
Oh yeah, well how about she How about she knows
what a winner is?
Speaker 1 (53:50):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (53:51):
How about the fact she probably saw your true essence
and she fell in.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
Love with you.
Speaker 1 (53:56):
I'm grateful and lucky to have her, fucking love her
so much. And uh, to think that I would ever
have to go outside the marriage is like is beyond
me at this point. And that was just the devil
man like lust and lust of flesh and think and
(54:21):
then realizing when those things were over or when I
got done doing those things like that it was never
worth it at all. And then to get caught and
get in trouble was like beyond me even when I
didn't get caught, it was never fucking worth it. I
could have fucking jerked off from the bathroom and it
would have been the same fucking thing. But I gotta
(54:44):
stop doing that too.
Speaker 3 (54:45):
So he guess not doing that too. You know what
it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
And this is kind of a nice place for people
in recovery that come from our type of background, where
you know, we're the guys that roles don't apply. We're special,
you know. We like to cut line. You get to
the place where you just realize there's just no more shortcuts.
I'm gonna play it straight. I'm gonna play it straight
(55:09):
in all my affairs. I just want to play it straight.
I just don't want to. It doesn't feel good anymore. Yeah, right, exactly.
I should not give them fuck. I would do anything
to get over on you. You're right.
Speaker 1 (55:24):
Yeah, Now I'll have this fucking conscience that eats me alive.
Speaker 2 (55:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (55:30):
It's a great And.
Speaker 2 (55:32):
You have an ethical, I believe anyways, an ethical spiritual
responsibility to your little child to be at your highest frequency.
And I hope you get the gift that I One
of the things I'm most proud of, buddy, is my
son Dylan Luke McFarland in he's twenty one, has never
seen me high, never see me drunk, and I'm very
and I never want that to change.
Speaker 1 (55:51):
That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (55:53):
Yeah, Okay, let's go through a couple of things and
then and then I'm gonna we go wrap bub Why
is resentment the number one five?
Speaker 1 (56:02):
It's like setting yourself on fire and like hoping the
guy that you hate guys from smoking halation. It just
eats you up, man, no matter what, If you don't
let it go and free yourself of it, it will
(56:25):
come back to haunt you one way or the other,
no matter what, at least for me. Some people I
don't know, But for me, that's how it works.
Speaker 2 (56:36):
And a lot of listeners are you know, are going
to be interested in, like Jared, congratulations on your sobriety,
congratulations on all your success, your baby, your beautiful wife
and everything. How did you heal from the sexual assault?
How did you make peace with that? Did you forgive
that person? Are you at peace with that? Are you
(56:57):
still haunted by that? What was your process with that?
If you don't might talking about that?
Speaker 1 (57:02):
So for me, yeah, I mean what I've what I've learned,
and what I expect is the case for the person
that did this to me, was that they were also
sexually assaulted and that they so the person was also
(57:29):
like a teenager when it happened to me, like like
you know below seventeen, so like he was also a kid,
you know. So obviously I know that this person is
in a terrible state. So he has been haunted his
(57:51):
whole life and is killing himself slowly. So yeah, I
forgave him, and I forgave myself, and being able to
help others through my experience is my gift for now.
(58:16):
It's almost like my responsibility, Like God put this on
me so I can save others. And although what happened
to me was terrible, I wouldn't change it now because
of how many people I've helped and what and what
(58:36):
I'll continue to do. So I'm at peace with it.
And I've done a ton of therapy and all sorts
of you know, the steps.
Speaker 2 (58:48):
You put the light on it with the work, and
so yeah, that's beautiful, and then let's stay with that
great thing. Buddy. Why is why is service so important
to break free? To be the change agent in the
world that you want to be well.
Speaker 1 (59:02):
Obviously you want to help others and continue to spread
the message to other people that suffer, but more importantly,
to help myself. When I help others, I get this
fulfillment and this peace that I know comes from God
(59:29):
that makes my day better and keeps me from going
back to doing what I used to do. So now
obviously we all know that not only am I helping
other people, but I'm helping myself, and that, to me
is what's important.
Speaker 2 (59:51):
You remind me so much. It's really a nice thing
of my you know. You know, people know that I'm
most famous for treating Mike Tyson for eighteen and why
you remind me of You're obviously a tough guy in
your you know, you can take care of business, but
you understand the importance of saying I'm scared and I
need help.
Speaker 3 (01:00:11):
Can you talk about that thing?
Speaker 1 (01:00:14):
Yeah? I mean, it took me a long time to
get to that point, and then I I've realized I
don't have all the answers, and I know when I've
asked for help before and got help and gotten better,
(01:00:34):
that that could happen again for other problems and for
other instances. So that's the you know, one of those
first steps and it'll take for anyone that's listening and
suffering is that can't do it on your own. Obviously
(01:00:57):
whatever you're doing is clearly not working. So that was
also the biggest thing was I realized, like, well, everything
I've done and I've tried a lot, and I've tried
many different ways to help myself and it never worked.
And then finally, once I gave up and gave the
seering will to someone else, God first, and then professionals,
(01:01:18):
my life got better.
Speaker 2 (01:01:20):
Right right, So why don't we in this? Buddy? What
do you want to say to the folks out there
that are struggling, that are relapsing. Then I have a
hard time getting a momentum that are in deep, deep depression,
which I know you've been in sobriety, that are thinking
about maybe I don't want to be on this plant anymore.
What's your message to them?
Speaker 1 (01:01:40):
No matter how far down and out you think you are,
there's always a way out, and there's always someone that
has a way worse than you. You're still breathing, and
you can still walk and talk and hear and see,
then you have the ability to get your life together.
(01:02:02):
I've seen people go from zero to hero and find
your higher power and get help, ask a professional, go
to a meeting. You just got to put a little
smidgeon of work in. That's all it takes at first.
(01:02:24):
So a little effort, a little honesty, be honest, and
don't be scared to reach out for a professional help.
If you need detox, if you need a hospital or
a treatment center, go and clear your mind of the fog.
(01:02:45):
That's like. That was for me. That was number. Once
I was separated from the drugs and the alcohol and
I was able to think clearly, then the choices that
I made were were easier and more than the fireball,
the good choices. So it's never too late. Find your God,
(01:03:08):
find your higher power, and get help. And then once
you do that, continue to help others and keep working
the program, because we only get our daily reprieve from
this without without doing something daily, you're liable to to
(01:03:34):
fall off the road.
Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Beautiful, beautiful buddy, thank you for making time. I know
it's later there, it's this has been incredible blessing. I
got mad love for you. I can't wait to see
your next fight and next time you want to buy
one hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker 3 (01:03:51):
Car, Call your buddy Scena. I might help you out.
Speaker 2 (01:03:53):
First.
Speaker 3 (01:03:53):
They give me a shouting. The guccie suit's cool. Call
me about the.
Speaker 1 (01:03:56):
Audi though, will you I got it?
Speaker 3 (01:03:58):
And would you be a favorite.
Speaker 2 (01:03:59):
But you give your wife a big hug for me
and tell her I love you guys, and I'm so
proud of what you guys are doing together.
Speaker 3 (01:04:05):
All that means the world to me. All right, godspeed, brother,
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:04:09):
The Sino Show is a production of iHeart Podcasts, hosted
by me Cina McFarlane, produced by pod People in twenty eighth.
Av Our lead producer is Keith Carlick. Our executive producer
is Lindsay Hoffman. Marketing lead is Ashley Weaver. Thank you
so much for listening. We'll see you next week.
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