December 18, 2024 • 38 mins
On this episode of The Seano Show, host Seano McFarland offers heartfelt advice and practical tips for staying sober during the high-risk holiday season. Sharing personal anecdotes and recovery strategies, he discusses creating a plan, setting boundaries, and bringing non-alcoholic beverages to gatherings. McFarland emphasizes the importance of having a supportive friend, staying connected to recovery communities, and practicing self-care. The episode also explores the characteristics of sex and love addiction, and Seano underscores the significance of ending generational trauma.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Get your crabberry, get your diet coke, the official drink
of alcoholics. Have that no one cares. Remind yourself while
you're sober. Remind yourself while you're sober. Remember if you're
really sober, you got to tap out. I'm different from
my fellows. Why you sober? Why can't you drink like
other people who were different. Don't get in the argument,
get in the acceptance. Getting the love signed your husband
(00:20):
might be a methadic Welcome back to the Sino Show.
I'm your host, Cina McFarlane. We have a very special
guest today. I don't know how we got them. Somehow
you've figured out a way. Today I'm your hosting guests,
mister Sino Live. I'm gonna be talking about to you
(00:42):
med a triangle recovery, some tips for the holidays, some
things that are important to me, things I've learned since
I practice here at Shelle, and I'm looking forward to
sharing these with everybody. I just first off want to say,
oh man, I want to thank everybody. We've gotten a
lot of nice feedback, some nice it seems, for helping
folks out all around the world. I just want to
(01:02):
let everybody know how much. I appreciate them. My producer here,
brother Keith the best. Thank you. This guy oh Man
start crying thinking about how he shows up because we
show up here at Shell. The only thing I actually
do is spread the love, follow us, pass it on
whatever you can, but no, please please. It means the
world to me that you listen and it's good. So
(01:24):
that's how we're going to start it. And also because
I always tell the truth, it's easiest thing to remember,
as mister Mammott told us, I told us Gary gin
Ross Keith and I just finished up an episode with
Keith Frossy and I get exhausted afterwards because it's a
lot of preparation and a lot goes in and my
brain was saying, I don't want to do this today,
Let's just do it, postpone it, and I'm not going
(01:46):
to do it. Of course, it's just because I'm scared.
I'm scared, but as everybody knows my famous saying, I'm
the biggest scaredy cat in the room, but I'm a
triple black beltain showing up. So I'm just gonna go
with it because that's what I do, you know, And
we're going to get at it. So I'm going to
say that to you now. It's not a secret, because
if you've got a secret, then we guess what you're
in trouble. No secrets here at Shell Avenue. Okay, so
(02:08):
let's talk about the holidays, tricky time. Here's what I
got down some little tips for people right now. The holidays,
they can definitely be high risk for relapse in recovery,
right due to the stress. Uncle Ernie. We all got
an Uncle Ernie. He's got some crazy ideas, you know,
and you know, codependent Cindy. The whole family gets together
(02:32):
a lot going on. Baby, people drink, and it's just
like you get a case of the fuck. It's I'm
out of here. So the Bermuda triangle is Thanksgiving, which
is coming up in three days, Christmas right home for
the holidays, family traditions. Right, Maybe you were drunk that year,
Maybe you didn't show up, Maybe you didn't show up
for your kids, right, a little bit of an auchi.
(02:54):
Maybe you were locked up that year, right, Maybe the
family said we love you, don't come back that year.
And then of course New Year's right. I got sober
on the fifth of January. How to make it happen.
You know. So here's a couple of things that might
help people along the way. Number one, create a plan, Okay,
set boundaries, right, Decide in advance where are're gonna go,
(03:16):
what gathers you're gonna attend, How long are you gonna stay?
What to do if you start to feel uncomfortable? Okay,
here's the thing. If you go and you get the itch,
you get nervous, right, you can leave. You don't have
to stay. Matter of fact, you have to leave. Okay,
you have to leave. Okay. Always always have an exit strategy,
no matter what. Always have it. Okay, what is gonna
(03:37):
happen if I get trigger? What's gonna happen? Where am
I gonna go? Who am I gonna talk to? Okay?
Prepare a way to leave a situation if things get
too tempting or overwhelming. I love this. Have a code
where with a friend or any way to step outside
if you need a breather, reset, if you have to. Okay,
this is something you know. I got sober in nineteen
eighty seven, and this is you know, my sponsor taught
(03:59):
me this. Bring your own non alcoholic beverages. Okay, if
you have to, really be there. Okay. My get down
was crabberry and seven seven up a little line. Nobody knows,
nobody cares. Okay, just trust me. You think they care, like, oh,
I'm the no one gives a shit. Get your crabberry,
get your diet Coke, the official you know drink of alcoholics.
(04:19):
Have that, no one cares. Okay, bring your own, right alcoholics,
right like nicotine people they like a cigarette. Have the
little drink in your hand. It makes you feel comfortable
your brains. Your brain thinks you have a drink. You
just know the difference. Okay, all right, So bringing your
own also ensures you have something that's obviously alcohol free. Okay,
I know I said. The first thing is really important.
This is number three. Buddy up. You know Keith and
(04:41):
I talked about in the show before here. Don't do
things alone. Buddy up. Have a pal system, okay, stay
connected a ten gatherings with a supportive friend who knows
the situation, or have someone on standby you can call
if things get tough. Always we were old school otdle
school back in the eighties. We didn't have where you
get to somebody. I'm getting jumpy, man. There's like free
(05:03):
champagne here. You know there was just like, hey, you
can't to find a phone. Pay vote right, put the
quarter in it. You know, you call your sponsor. Hey,
I'm out of the thing. No, no text, be be
in support. Know what's going on once again, no surprises. Okay,
stay connected, right obviously, lean on meetings, leave on, lean
on your recovery community, lean on people. Okay, I remember
(05:24):
early on the holidays were hard because it was just
so many years. Either I didn't show up, I was
too drunk, and memories come creeping in. Remember now we're
gonna create new memories. Don't go in the past, new
sober memories. Okay. A lot of places in town have
marathon meetings. Go to meetings. Be of service, bring a
(05:44):
dish to a thing, get ahead of it. Okay, stay
around meetings, patch in before you go out. Hey, I
want to just share it today. You know I'm gonna
go to this thing. I'm a little nervous. Okay. Obviously
prioritize self care. That goes without saying. Okay, I'm gonna
end on this one. Remind yourself while you're sober. Remind
(06:05):
yourself while you're sober. Remember right, if you're really sober.
You got to tap out. I'm different from my fellows.
Why are you sober? Why am I sober? Well, there
was a part physically that I just I was dying.
When your liver in twenty two years goes, uh, brother,
you really think you I can Okay, put another drink
(06:25):
in there. We're gonna let you know how bad it
really is. Okay. The other thing is I was tired
of being a child. I was tired of blaming the world.
I was tired of watching other people live life that
I knew I should be living. And so I had
to make the declaration and wave my hand and say
the most beautiful words I've ever said. My name is seen.
(06:45):
I'm alcoholic. Why can't you drink like other people who
are different? Don't get in the argument, getting the acceptance,
getting the love. I've got this thing. It is what
it is. People can do what they want to do,
none of my business, right, How they can drink whatever
they do out of their bit right, It's okay, all right,
just just remember that. Okay, practice mindfulness, meditation. I just
(07:07):
did this before we out here. I went outside, had
a little smoky poop parliament line. I'm not perfect just whatever, okay.
And I said a prayer, and I said, okay, Keith
is done. I have to do my show. Get centered.
My feet are on the ground. I'm with my buddy.
I feel safe here. Okay. And now was new. Bring
(07:30):
that energy into the party. Bring that energy into the room.
And there we go. Now where do we go? Let's
have some fun here. I made brother Keith laugh a
little bit because we're not a glum lot here at
Shell Avenue. You know, I get calls from people. You know,
you know, I've never done drugs before. How do you
know you know, let's just say the wife's calling. How
(07:51):
do you know your husband's a mathatic? Okay, great question. Okay,
here's a couple of things, all right, signed, your husband
might be a methatic. Okay, this one, you know what,
check if you got this one going on, let me know,
because he's definitely okay. If you catch him in the
bathroom and he's masturbating for three hours of Mali pornography,
(08:12):
most likely he's Okay, he's a methatic. Okay, this guy,
I don't know what it is about him. He loves
to go to home Depot three. The am gotta fix
things gotta do things three am though. Okay, you also
see the methatics down Sunset Boulevard. The home people. They're all,
you know, buying all kinds of interesting you know what.
You know. I don't know. He's kind of a lazy guy.
He's not organized. In the last week though, he's rearranged
(08:35):
the garage four times. Uh what made this to that one? Okay?
Love this? We call this back uphim. We call that
Bobby Brown John. I love Bobby. I saw him at
the fight. I don't think he might as we say that.
We call that Bobby Brown dome. Right when you ask
him about it, you, honey, you're chatty tee? What's going on?
Oh yeah, too much caffeine. Okay, So the signs the
(08:57):
person might be a methatic, those are sure. I'm sure
you could add a few. You can do a lot
more on that. That's just some fun stuff. But that's okay,
all right, here we go next. I've written down some
things in my thirty seven years of being sober, some
things I've taken from colleagues that I think will be helpful.
Now is new. Okay, now is new? What does that mean? Okay?
(09:17):
You do something you're sharp with somebody. You're going to memory.
You miss your old girlfriend, You yelled at somebody. Maybe
you did something you know a little shady, you stole
whatever it is, Okay, don't go into the horror stories.
Start your day over right now. Wake up right now?
Now is new? Doesn't matter. You're a little tired, little
depressed yet. Work up now is new? Start over now
(09:40):
is new? Powerful exercise change my life. Do it all
the time. You can start your day over anytime. How
great is that something's happened? You know, it doesn't matter.
Start to do with anytime. I start my day over
thirty times a day. It doesn't matter. Start your day
over anytime. All right. A lot of people know. One
of the specialties I do, besides alcoholism drug addiction, is
(10:00):
sex and love addiction. What is sex addiction? Is it
really is sex addiction? Because I like to have sex
so much? Love addiction? Is that a fans? You know?
I mean love? Can you really be you know what?
I'm going to read you the twelve characteristics of SLA.
I'll maybe talk a little bit about them. You can
google twelve characteristics of slot SLA. Pull them up a
(10:22):
lot of times when I hand that sheet to somebody
who I think might be having this particular illness. A
lot of times they break down crying a lot of
times they say I had no idea this exists, and
they go, I've checked out. I've checked twelve of these.
I've checked nine of them. So I'm going to read
them and I'm gonna talk about them a little bit.
And once again, you can just google these, pull them up.
(10:43):
Don't recommend use these stocking stuffers though, Okay, because but
boys a good one. All right, here we go. Number one,
having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with or
emotionally attached to people without knowing them. Wow. Number two,
(11:09):
Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful,
destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and other
growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones,
ourselves in God. Fearing emotional and or sexual deprivation, we
(11:31):
compulsively pursue and evolve ourselves in one relationship after another,
sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional layison at
a time. We know that person. I'm all of these, Okay,
I'm emotional reading these because I've said this before, I
(11:51):
was in a prison in Arizona, and I was in
solitary confinement, and I'd rather be that than deal with
what I'm reading to you now. Well, the worst kind
of pain is waiting for somebody to tell you're okay, Because,
like alcoholism, you just go down to the liquor store,
you grab a drink. It's cool this. You're waiting for
the text. You're waiting for the I love you. You're
(12:13):
waiting for the you know, I miss you. I can't
wait to see you. And if that doesn't come, now
we've got a real problem. And so what happens when
that doesn't happen? You keep it going with somebody else,
Keep the drug alive, one after another, keep it going.
Number four so great. We confuse love with neediness. We
(12:34):
confuse love with neediness physical and sexual attraction, pity, and
or the need to rescue or be rescue. Number five.
We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. You
know what the greatest thing about recovery for me is
I love being alone. Do you know how many concerts
and plays I go to by myself? Now I had
(12:56):
a complete inability to do that. We feel empty and
incomplete when we were alone. Even though we fear intimacy
and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
It's just the big one. Number six. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear,
(13:19):
and envy. I'm gonna read that again. We sexualize stress, guilt, lowliness, anger, shame, fear,
and envy. We use sex or and emotional dependence as
substitutes for nurturing, care and support. I used to say,
all my pain, all my fear, all my insecurities went
right down through my penis. Okay, And what sex and
(13:43):
love addiction is it's I tell people you're a thief
because we steal from people. It's a magic trick. You
get in there. You want to present yourself a certain
way because you just want them to love you. It's neediness.
Oh and you promise things and you love bomb them
and then they give you that, and then you fucking
pull the carpet from underneath them because you found somebody else.
(14:04):
You got what you wanted to you still from people,
we don't steal from people. I don't steal from people anymore.
No magic tricks, okay, because I love myself. Two sad people,
two junkies with smoking the same crackpipe with each other.
That's what sex and love addiction is. Don't hurt people,
don't steal from people. Okay, one day at a time. Okay,
(14:25):
that's a good one. Number seven. We use sex and
emotional involvement to manipulate and control others. I'm gonna read
that again. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate
in controllers. I just talked about that a little bit.
Number eighth. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic
(14:49):
or sexual obsessions or fantasies. I've seen guys here that
are world class athletes, world class physical specimens, Olympic gold
medal hinners, super Bowl champions, that if they don't get
the text or know they're cool with their chick, are
(15:11):
in the worst pain in the world. They don't know
how to control it. It is unbearable to them. Once again,
it is the worst pain in the world. Recovery from
sex and love addiction is learning how to deal with
that pain, not only how to deal with that pain.
Why is that pain there? Why is that attachment there?
Why am I giving this stranger so much? You know currency,
Why am I letting somebody define me. Why am I
(15:31):
letting somebody hit me? They have to meet on the
magic wand and I'm okay, because you know it's amazing.
I've seen it. It's incredible. I'll have a guy here suicidal,
ready to take his life because some girls not saying
hello might like somebody else. Oh that's the worst one.
And they're in session and they'll get the message. We're cool.
I love y'all see it in half an hour. Fuck
(15:52):
like a kid going to Disney that for the first time,
completely gone. They don't mean shifts. So that's why it's
a drug. That's why to drug. Okay. Number nine, we
avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who
are emotionally unavailable. We want them and I'm gonna get
this more. Number twelve. Magically, we want them to be
(16:12):
somebody they're not because we have this idea that they're
gonna be saved. They're gonna save me. Nobody can save you.
And they're broken from the gate. But you know what,
you couldn't see they were broken at the gate. You
couldn't see the red flags because you would hit earwan.
We're running all your jive and hustle, and they laid
it right in front of you, but you didn't see
it because you were too fucking high trying to close them.
(16:35):
That's why when you're sober, okay, and the yoga teacher
who's got all these incredible sayings, right, and you're listening
more and more, okay, but you find out our car's
broken down, and you find out she's in tent, and
you find out she's got a three other kids she
hasn't talked to. But you missed that right because you're like,
oh man, this girl's so beautiful. She's a yoga teacher
and she knows all these things. Pay attention to ladies
(16:57):
and gentlemen. The flags are there if you're sober to them. Otherwise,
good luck. Because if you need to change people, change people.
Say it again, you know, if you need to change people,
change people. Okay, always tell people, right, it's like buying
a house. Right. You don't want to fucking fix rupper, Okay,
you want turn tea. You know, I always say the guys,
(17:19):
give me your toolkit. All these people walk around these big,
huge toolkits. I'm gonna fix them on and get this
to them. It's so selfish why not have somebody who
may be ready to play with you a little bit,
who's got a little bit of maturity, who can dance
with you. Okay, all right, gosh, darning those tools. I've
had those toolkits, boere. They were a good set. I
had it one time. Okay. Number ten, we stay enslaved,
(17:41):
oh Man to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue or compulsive sexual
enslaved slaves and Myers slave to the fantasy who we
are to each other? Slave to you know, we're gonna
go to Coachella and it's gonna be amazing, and we're
taking pictures and day everything's I'm cool and all this,
(18:02):
but we know what's going on. Right, there's a party
who thinks she doesn't like you. Well, you can't say
that in the Instagram photo. And she looked at that
guy maybe a little too long, and then you screamed
at her. Right, I'm talking more about trauma bonding, right,
And then she left for a while, and then you
pleaded with her. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm
just I'm just secure id And then you guys are bonding, right,
(18:23):
then you feel bad. Then you buy her like four
and hoars worth of merchandise, but she kind of really
can't afford. Don't tell anybody that, right, you're telling everyone
what a fucking bit shot you are, but you got
twelve different credit cards going on because you want to
keep the diction alive. Right, And then you're driving back
and everything is good and you're holding hands and you're
looking at that and you think she's gonna spend the
night maybe and she's gonna do something to tell our friends,
(18:44):
and she goes drop me off. Maybe we need to
take a break. Oh fuck me, the old I gotta
take a break situation. And now you got to got
you on suicide alert. What happened? You're with the wrong person.
You're in the fantasy, you're in the intrigue. You have
this idea, but you missed it at Airwana. Ladies and gentlemen, Right,
it's on you. You gotta take responsibility, right if you're
(19:06):
nipping away when you're meeting the person, that's on you. Okay,
all right? Number eleven. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may
retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional and
erexia for recovery. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat
from all intimate involvement. Okay, this is somebody who's more
(19:27):
on the other side of They're terrified to actually put
themselves out there. Okay, so they'll actually shut themselves down
saying that they're taking care of themselves. No no, no, no, no, no,
no no, that's not what it's about. Okay. I want
you out in the world. I want you to learn
how healthy courting. I want you to learn how to
meet somebody. Maybe it is scary. Maybe you just start
(19:47):
with holding hands, maybe learn about touch. But if you
think in that I'm not gonna see anybody, I'm not
gonna date. I'm just for gonna be like that. You're
the other way around. Flip it. Okay, get out and experimental.
I know it's scary, but try a little bit. But
do you know what, because we both know you want love,
you want some touch, You want to feel cared for right,
(20:08):
you want someone to say I miss you, have a
nice day. Come on, be honest with yourself. Be honest
with yourself. We gotta be honest with ourself. Come on. Okay,
this is it number twelve. We assign magical qualities to others.
We idolize and pursue them, and then we blame them
(20:30):
for not fulfilling our fannies or expectations. Okay, right, we
assign magical qualities to others. We idolize and pursue them,
and then we get funky and blame them for not
fulfilling or fantaies and expectation. What are magical qualities? I
talked a little bit of the yoga person. I always
give this example, right, because you know what people love
to throw and I try not to laugh. I will
(20:53):
actually don't laugh because I understand it because I've done
that thousand times, probably more embarrassing to myself. The client
sits down here all excited. I think I met the
person today and they throw out the word soul mate.
So I think I'm at my soulmate today. Oh, tell
me about this, Okay. I'm having a little bit of
(21:15):
fun right now, but tell me right, okay. So you know,
I was really hungry, and I was driving down Lincoln Boulevard, okay,
and something said go to el Poil Local. I never
go to al Poil Local. I don't really like their
I'm more of a California chicken cat fee. And I
thought just going to Californy and I sit down. It's
kind of grimy, right, and I you know, I'm doing
my thing, and I look up and I see a
(21:36):
girl across the way, and so you know, she got
a Dave of Bowie shirt on. Fuck, okay, you're I
love David Bowie. That's interesting. She looks at me and
I kind of look at her, right, And do you
mind if I come joined you? Okay? Yeah, yeah, we're talking.
And this is where it is crazy. Right, she's drinking
(21:59):
a diet you know, I love Die of coke and
she got alignment her diet coke, right, and I'm going, fuck, okay,
she loves a Bowie? What's your favorite Dead Boys? On?
She's heroes? I'm most sorry, cry, I can't fucking believe.
And then she's sober, and I said, well, how long
is she sober? Nineteen days? I know, but you're sober
ten years, I know. But like she's really mature for age.
(22:21):
Oh that's great. Great, Well she doesn't have a job really, okay,
Well do you know where she lives? Well, I don't know.
I think she well, she might be a shelter. I
don't know. I think she's working hard on because she
came from a really good school, and a lot of
things happened, and well, okay, now we assigned magical qualities
(22:42):
of people. Okay, right, we want them to be somebody
because maybe they're did the great things we think they
can show for us, we think they can love for us. Okay,
that's kind of a funny story. But I hear a
thousand different versions from El Poile Local to Central Pei
to Irwan to be backstage somewhere, But most part, it's
(23:03):
never rooted in truth. And what happens is we have
an idea of what our mates should be, and we
cast that person. We cast them in this role, and
we put the uniform on them. Actually, sometimes we actually
tell them how to dress and how to talk. And
maybe we send them to school and we're going to
fix them up, maybe how to wear their makeup. Maybe
we get their hair done. Oh big daddy, you gotta
(23:24):
get their boobs done for them, maybe a little Brazilian
butt lift. Get them right. And they're looking good and
they're popping and shit's working and we're guys are cool.
But sometimes she talks and you bring out a little
embarrassed sometimes, right, and this goes for women with guys' rights. Right,
and then she's just sound really stupid. Maybe you give
her the American Express cards, sweetie, go get a manicure
(23:47):
on Main Street, get something right, and she goes, oh,
love you, thank you? Right, and then she comes back
with a product purse, like, babe, what's this? Oh? I
thought you should go out and take care of myself, right,
and I just bought it? Well, how much was it was?
Ten thousand dollars? Right? Because she doesn't understand these things.
(24:11):
How hard are you working money? Now you're fucking livid.
Now you're calling her stupid bitch. Now you're calling a whore.
Now you're calling her like what the fuck? Now, like
who the fuck are you? And she says, don't you
ever talk to me, motherfucker that way. Now she's getting
to her inner ghetto. Now we're really getting down to
who we are because now we're dealing with causes and conditions.
Now the trust is broken. Now we really see and
(24:34):
she goes, you know what, fuck you, I'm out here,
and you know what, she throws a purse at you.
Part of you wants to take the purse and gets
physical with her, but you know I probably should do that.
Right now, you have a little bit of restraints. She
fucking leaves with the car you bought her. But now
you're fuck, you're thinking yourself, God damn it. The Lisa
is in her name. I'm stuck on that now that car.
Now you're like, oh fuck, now she's leaving. It's two
(24:57):
hours gone by and you haven't heard from her. Oh fuck, yes,
that's what you text you and your text comes up green.
It's not blue anymore. The honey bunnies, this emojis aren't
there anymore. And now you're in panic. Now you're in fear.
Now you're in secure. You lost it because you've got
these magical qualities about her. But she was that person
the whole time. She didn't do anything wrong. You groomed
(25:18):
her brother sister. You groomed that person to be this
version for your insecurity, because you know what, you didn't
have the balls, the guns, the strength and maturity, the
sobriety to meet somebody at your level. So you go
down a little bit and you steal from the local village.
That's what we're doing right, once again, stealing, and you
(25:40):
have these magical qualities. Now you're in real pain, and
now you beg her to come back. And then maybe
you guys do the dance for a little bit, but
it's rocky. Now, it's always that kind of shit. But
you know what, your code have pitted in security and
you said, you know what, honey, that was wrong in me.
You don't actually feel this, but you tell us because
you're so fucking desperate by two persons. Next time, what
(26:02):
was I think in that time? Guess what? She might
even fucking do that just to teach you a lesson. Now,
the question is do you want to keep this dance
going on and on? Do you want to keep smoking
the crack pipe of magical? This is a person when
you actually want to do the work and learn about courtship,
learn about authenticity, about meeting somebody, because you know what,
(26:23):
pick on somebody your own size, as they used to say,
pick on somebody your own size. So that's that. How
about that? Keith? Yeah, yeah, you know sometimes you get
seen all that saxophone. Man, I'm just gonna fucking riff
it right, any generational trauma. I always say this, I'm
unbelievably grateful to be sober almost thirty eight years now.
(26:43):
I'm grateful that I earned my living helping people. People
know I love my work. M The thing I'm most
proud of is any generational trauma with my son Dylan
Luke McFarlane. And as I've said, you know, not just
be giuse my son, because if there was a struggle,
if there was pain, there was conflict, I would be
sharing about it because the best way to help you
(27:06):
is tell you what I'm going through. Perhaps, right that's
not been the case because me and his mother, uh Nicola, Okay,
we've always provided safety for him. Now safety, what does
safety mean? Safety is kindness and love in the house.
Safety is learning how to say no to your kids.
I know that means something to keep We talked about
that once, learning the power you're just saying no, okay,
(27:29):
and always knowing where your kids are at. Sometimes I'm
shocked at I'm talking to parents, Well, where your kids
are struggling? Right? What's going? Where are they at right now? Well?
I don't know, I don't. How do you not know
where your fucking thirteen year old is? Like, there's a
problem right there? Why are they running the show? Why
are they dictating the terms? Okay? And the other thing
that we did is I always say there's two parents
(27:49):
when your child brings home a rock? Is this a
goofy ugly rock with dirt and maybe it's got stems
growing on it. There's one pair goes, oh Jesus Christ,
you're bringing get that out of here. And there's an
other parent goes, oh my god, till, what's up with
this rock? What do you like about this thing? You
show interest, you show everything, you show interests. Okay, and
(28:11):
you make it a beautiful thing and it becomes a lesson.
And the other thing that I really believe in. Surround
your child with greatness, Surround them with the arts, surround
them with education, surround them and there's always a way
to do it. YouTube is a great university. Okay. Now
I'm gonna go more in detail about that. Okay, but
(28:33):
my son does not live in shame. My son, by
the way, he's not worried about me drinking. He's not
worrying about Man, this sucks is Christmas because dad's not
in prison. You've got to stay sober so there's no
incidents in your life happening. Okay. I know, maybe part
your child's ten years old, a lot of it you
were drinking. Doesn't matter anymore. Now is new? Right? Now
(28:56):
is new Make this a sober year, and then make
it another sober year. Okay. What kids need to do.
They need to feel safe. They need to know that
their parents are there. That is a respectful place. That
is the number one thing. Okay. Now, if a child
is raised in a family, okay, where they feel responsible
(29:16):
for their parents' needs, because see, that's what happens. You
don't take care of your kids. They feel responsible. Okay,
they do not learn to recognize their own don't need
to take care of us, that's our job. You need
to take care of himself. Okay, this child, this is
what happens. Okay, they're gonna repeat that pattern adulthood, the
(29:38):
magical thinking. That's a dynamic for a lot of the
basics for that. People are acting out because this thing happened. Okay,
the child repeat the pattern. Adult is more likely to
end up an abusive, codependent relationship. In a story, they
often grow up to be people pleasers, and we'll wonder
(29:59):
why no one appreciates what they do? Why do they
appreciate me? Okay, break that dynamic. Okay, that's what any
generational trauma. Now, I know a lot of people say this,
and I wrote this down Okay. If you want to
break the cycle, you have to do something you've never
done before. Okay. I know you come from a family
(30:20):
history of this is the way we do things. Okay, right,
it's up to us to break the generation curses. I
love this part. This is really important. Right when they
say it runs in the family, you tell them you
know what, and this is where it fucking runs out. Well,
this is the way we do it. You know this.
We rob we whatever, we don't kind, we don't. We
(30:42):
talk to our women this way. No, no, not anymore.
That may be work for you, godspeed not it. Not
gonna do it here, We're gonna end it. You got
to be sober to do that, though. You got to
be absentent to do that. Though. You can't do this
if you're nipping. Okay. And what more important thing is
to raise your children and give them something that you
didn't have and make it safe. Okay. Otherwise, guess what
they're gonna up on this couch. I don't want him
(31:04):
on my couch. Okay. I want to help applications for school.
I want to go to their high school events. I
want to see pictures of my oh man when parents
send me pictures of their kids at their prom, and
I look at them, they're so beautiful, health. I want
the pictures of the prom. I want to see their
first swimming lessons. I want to see him going to Disneyland.
I don't want him on the couch struggling. I don't
want him on the couch because they've been cutting themselves.
(31:26):
I don't want them in an abusive relationship where they're
getting beat up they don't know how, because that's what
was modeled to them, modeled love, model light, modeled how
much you appreciate your partner. You know, I used to
do this with Dylan. It's so simple, simple things he does.
You don't need money. He doesn't have to be Mother's Day.
Let's get a card, you know, and let's get a card.
(31:46):
I'm gonna write out things I love about your mother, right, Oh,
great work, ethic, makes the best breakfast, has art, whatever,
it's a long list, Okay, just write that. And then
he sees me appreciating his mother and kindness. Okay, and
then we have a moment together and guess what he
does that with his employees. He does that with his
girlfriends Now little post its note, little simple thing, but
(32:10):
it's a gesture, little things, little gestures, little markers. Okay,
go out of your way just to say thank you. Okay.
I don't want your children on my couch. Okay, I
want them living out loud. That's how you're in the
generational curse. You know, if you go to my house
in the morning, everybody knows I read a bunch of things.
One of the persons that great teacher is ekhar Tolely. Okay,
(32:33):
most people know him. Once again, do you want a masterclass?
Just look at his quotes. Google some of it, watch
some of his talks. They're free. This is one of
the ones that I love that he wrote about, and
he says, it's just so right on the money. You know,
when you complain, high complainers out there right, you make
yourself a victim. Lead the situation, change the situation, or
(32:59):
accept it. All else is madness. Once again, when you complain,
you make yourself a victim. Leave it, just get out,
go right, change the situation or accept it. All else's madness.
What I always say here, nobody can blow your light
(33:19):
out unless you give them permission. Right, think about that, okay,
right recovery. What we do here is ruthless self examination. Okay.
You want to change the person, they don't want to change, okay,
and you start complaining about them. Okay. Well, at some
point it's on you. Okay, it's on you. You're in
(33:44):
the abusive relationship. You're staying with them. The job sucks,
the boyfriend sucks, the traffic sucks, you feel bad about
your body. Okay. Well, if you keep telling everyone your
sad story, a lot of people will listen to it. Okay,
but you're boring people with you do something otherwise, you
speak victim disease. Okay. What I always say, The world
(34:05):
doesn't need to change I do. Okay. Who's the only
person I suffer from? Sena McFarlane Okay? So how do
you do that though? How do you change the situation?
How do you walk away from some Well, you got
to believe that you know what, you did everything on
your part, okay, and you got to move on okay,
and you got to take responsibility. Why, you know, I
(34:26):
remember this early on. I have so many great stories
about this. My wife Nicola, when she was at Yale
her senior project, they went with a fellow classmate to
Africa to study, you know, to study different parts of Africa,
and her girlfriend met a nomad there, right, and part
of the you know, they're taking from dirpher and she
(34:47):
really fell for him, right, and they went they kept
traveling around and they came back to the village and
you know, she was a distraught, you know, and the
nomad wasn't there, and she was like, oh well, and
in pain and crying and and and she's telling her
story and Nichola said, listen, the person's a nomad. That's
(35:07):
what nomads do. They go away. You can't get mad
at the nomad, right, Okay, that's what you gotta take responsibility.
That's what they do. Figure out the nomads in your life. Okay.
You know, if you meet somebody and they say, you know,
I'm prone to crime and I do different things and
they get arrested, again, that's on you. Okay, take a
responsibility for what you're being at. Okay. If you keep
(35:29):
over eating okay, and you look in the mirror, don't
like yourself, maybe one day try not and I try
not to eat bad. Okay once again, brother, totally, when
you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation,
change the situation, or accept it all else's madness. How
(35:50):
wonderful it is to know. I just gotta work on
you know. And by the way, I always have a
part in it. Okay, I always part if I really
want to look deep, Okay, if I really really want
to look deep, I have Okay, look within yourself, get
right with yourself, and that's that. Okay, We're gonna close
with that affirmation because I believe in affirmations. It's a
(36:12):
little simple one. And uh oh okay, lastly on this part,
forgive me you know how I go. Remember those things
you can always control. Okay. I don't want to hear
about the other person. I know, no, no, no, I know,
but you keep saying it though. That's on you. Here's
what you can't control. Okay, your words. You show what
(36:33):
you say. You can show your words, your actions, what
you do, stay leave, change stay leave change right. Your
attitude Okay, this changed my life. Attitude is everything. Attitude
is everything. Okay. You know Michael Becka who came on
the show I do. He wakes up every much. So
today's gonna be the best day of my life. Keith
(36:54):
gets messages from me at five in the morning. Welcome
to the greatest money ever every time. Hell of my beauty.
It's energy what putting out in the world. Okay, attitude?
You go, Oh god, a fuck another day? Oh God,
guess what you're a victim. Guess what opportunity just passed
you by. Guess what maybe a little bit performed to
go to happy hour of that day because you've been
complaining about the whole day. You can control your perspective,
(37:17):
your focus, your effort, and your energy. Remember how I
said I came in here my brain was telling me
I was tired. No, I was scared, but I worked
hard at knowing the difference. You know, hopefully my energy
has been strong here. Okay, my energy is great. Your
energy is great. Don't listen to what your brain tells you.
Your energy is great. I don't want to hear your bullshit.
Here's the affirmation of the day. I clear out negative
(37:43):
energy and habits holding me back from expressing my true self.
I let go of the blockages and thought patterns that
are keeping me in a place that no longer serves
my soul. I dry and happiness with every inhale. I
drawn happiness. Come on in happiness with every inhale. Woooo,
(38:07):
I smoke the happiness pipe, not the crack pipe anymore.
Thank you for listening. Godspeed, make other people's lives easier.
It's easier to live life that way, all right. Thank you.
The Sinal Show is a production of iHeart Podcasts, hosted
by me Cina McFarlane, produced by pod People in twenty eighth.
Av Our lead producer is Keith Carnlick. Our executive producer
(38:29):
is Lindsay Hoffman. Marketing lead is Ashley Weaver. Thank you
so much for listening. We'll see you next week.
Get your crabberry, get your diet coke, the official drink
of alcoholics. Have that no one cares. Remind yourself while
you're sober. Remind yourself while you're sober. Remember if you're
really sober, you got to tap out. I'm different from
my fellows. Why you sober? Why can't you drink like
other people who were different. Don't get in the argument,
get in the acceptance. Getting the love signed your husband
(00:20):
might be a methadic Welcome back to the Sino Show.
I'm your host, Cina McFarlane. We have a very special
guest today. I don't know how we got them. Somehow
you've figured out a way. Today I'm your hosting guests,
mister Sino Live. I'm gonna be talking about to you
(00:42):
med a triangle recovery, some tips for the holidays, some
things that are important to me, things I've learned since
I practice here at Shelle, and I'm looking forward to
sharing these with everybody. I just first off want to say,
oh man, I want to thank everybody. We've gotten a
lot of nice feedback, some nice it seems, for helping
folks out all around the world. I just want to
(01:02):
let everybody know how much. I appreciate them. My producer here,
brother Keith the best. Thank you. This guy oh Man
start crying thinking about how he shows up because we
show up here at Shell. The only thing I actually
do is spread the love, follow us, pass it on
whatever you can, but no, please please. It means the
world to me that you listen and it's good. So
(01:24):
that's how we're going to start it. And also because
I always tell the truth, it's easiest thing to remember,
as mister Mammott told us, I told us Gary gin
Ross Keith and I just finished up an episode with
Keith Frossy and I get exhausted afterwards because it's a
lot of preparation and a lot goes in and my
brain was saying, I don't want to do this today,
Let's just do it, postpone it, and I'm not going
(01:46):
to do it. Of course, it's just because I'm scared.
I'm scared, but as everybody knows my famous saying, I'm
the biggest scaredy cat in the room, but I'm a
triple black beltain showing up. So I'm just gonna go
with it because that's what I do, you know, And
we're going to get at it. So I'm going to
say that to you now. It's not a secret, because
if you've got a secret, then we guess what you're
in trouble. No secrets here at Shell Avenue. Okay, so
(02:08):
let's talk about the holidays, tricky time. Here's what I
got down some little tips for people right now. The holidays,
they can definitely be high risk for relapse in recovery,
right due to the stress. Uncle Ernie. We all got
an Uncle Ernie. He's got some crazy ideas, you know,
and you know, codependent Cindy. The whole family gets together
(02:32):
a lot going on. Baby, people drink, and it's just
like you get a case of the fuck. It's I'm
out of here. So the Bermuda triangle is Thanksgiving, which
is coming up in three days, Christmas right home for
the holidays, family traditions. Right, Maybe you were drunk that year,
Maybe you didn't show up, Maybe you didn't show up
for your kids, right, a little bit of an auchi.
(02:54):
Maybe you were locked up that year, right, Maybe the
family said we love you, don't come back that year.
And then of course New Year's right. I got sober
on the fifth of January. How to make it happen.
You know. So here's a couple of things that might
help people along the way. Number one, create a plan, Okay,
set boundaries, right, Decide in advance where are're gonna go,
(03:16):
what gathers you're gonna attend, How long are you gonna stay?
What to do if you start to feel uncomfortable? Okay,
here's the thing. If you go and you get the itch,
you get nervous, right, you can leave. You don't have
to stay. Matter of fact, you have to leave. Okay,
you have to leave. Okay. Always always have an exit strategy,
no matter what. Always have it. Okay, what is gonna
(03:37):
happen if I get trigger? What's gonna happen? Where am
I gonna go? Who am I gonna talk to? Okay?
Prepare a way to leave a situation if things get
too tempting or overwhelming. I love this. Have a code
where with a friend or any way to step outside
if you need a breather, reset, if you have to. Okay,
this is something you know. I got sober in nineteen
eighty seven, and this is you know, my sponsor taught
(03:59):
me this. Bring your own non alcoholic beverages. Okay, if
you have to, really be there. Okay. My get down
was crabberry and seven seven up a little line. Nobody knows,
nobody cares. Okay, just trust me. You think they care, like, oh,
I'm the no one gives a shit. Get your crabberry,
get your diet Coke, the official you know drink of alcoholics.
(04:19):
Have that, no one cares. Okay, bring your own, right alcoholics,
right like nicotine people they like a cigarette. Have the
little drink in your hand. It makes you feel comfortable
your brains. Your brain thinks you have a drink. You
just know the difference. Okay, all right, So bringing your
own also ensures you have something that's obviously alcohol free. Okay,
I know I said. The first thing is really important.
This is number three. Buddy up. You know Keith and
(04:41):
I talked about in the show before here. Don't do
things alone. Buddy up. Have a pal system, okay, stay
connected a ten gatherings with a supportive friend who knows
the situation, or have someone on standby you can call
if things get tough. Always we were old school otdle
school back in the eighties. We didn't have where you
get to somebody. I'm getting jumpy, man. There's like free
(05:03):
champagne here. You know there was just like, hey, you
can't to find a phone. Pay vote right, put the
quarter in it. You know, you call your sponsor. Hey,
I'm out of the thing. No, no text, be be
in support. Know what's going on once again, no surprises. Okay,
stay connected, right obviously, lean on meetings, leave on, lean
on your recovery community, lean on people. Okay, I remember
(05:24):
early on the holidays were hard because it was just
so many years. Either I didn't show up, I was
too drunk, and memories come creeping in. Remember now we're
gonna create new memories. Don't go in the past, new
sober memories. Okay. A lot of places in town have
marathon meetings. Go to meetings. Be of service, bring a
(05:44):
dish to a thing, get ahead of it. Okay, stay
around meetings, patch in before you go out. Hey, I
want to just share it today. You know I'm gonna
go to this thing. I'm a little nervous. Okay. Obviously
prioritize self care. That goes without saying. Okay, I'm gonna
end on this one. Remind yourself while you're sober. Remind
(06:05):
yourself while you're sober. Remember right, if you're really sober.
You got to tap out. I'm different from my fellows.
Why are you sober? Why am I sober? Well, there
was a part physically that I just I was dying.
When your liver in twenty two years goes, uh, brother,
you really think you I can Okay, put another drink
(06:25):
in there. We're gonna let you know how bad it
really is. Okay. The other thing is I was tired
of being a child. I was tired of blaming the world.
I was tired of watching other people live life that
I knew I should be living. And so I had
to make the declaration and wave my hand and say
the most beautiful words I've ever said. My name is seen.
(06:45):
I'm alcoholic. Why can't you drink like other people who
are different? Don't get in the argument, getting the acceptance,
getting the love. I've got this thing. It is what
it is. People can do what they want to do,
none of my business, right, How they can drink whatever
they do out of their bit right, It's okay, all right,
just just remember that. Okay, practice mindfulness, meditation. I just
(07:07):
did this before we out here. I went outside, had
a little smoky poop parliament line. I'm not perfect just whatever, okay.
And I said a prayer, and I said, okay, Keith
is done. I have to do my show. Get centered.
My feet are on the ground. I'm with my buddy.
I feel safe here. Okay. And now was new. Bring
(07:30):
that energy into the party. Bring that energy into the room.
And there we go. Now where do we go? Let's
have some fun here. I made brother Keith laugh a
little bit because we're not a glum lot here at
Shell Avenue. You know, I get calls from people. You know,
you know, I've never done drugs before. How do you
know you know, let's just say the wife's calling. How
(07:51):
do you know your husband's a mathatic? Okay, great question. Okay,
here's a couple of things, all right, signed, your husband
might be a methatic. Okay, this one, you know what,
check if you got this one going on, let me know,
because he's definitely okay. If you catch him in the
bathroom and he's masturbating for three hours of Mali pornography,
(08:12):
most likely he's Okay, he's a methatic. Okay, this guy,
I don't know what it is about him. He loves
to go to home Depot three. The am gotta fix
things gotta do things three am though. Okay, you also
see the methatics down Sunset Boulevard. The home people. They're all,
you know, buying all kinds of interesting you know what.
You know. I don't know. He's kind of a lazy guy.
He's not organized. In the last week though, he's rearranged
(08:35):
the garage four times. Uh what made this to that one? Okay?
Love this? We call this back uphim. We call that
Bobby Brown John. I love Bobby. I saw him at
the fight. I don't think he might as we say that.
We call that Bobby Brown dome. Right when you ask
him about it, you, honey, you're chatty tee? What's going on?
Oh yeah, too much caffeine. Okay, So the signs the
(08:57):
person might be a methatic, those are sure. I'm sure
you could add a few. You can do a lot
more on that. That's just some fun stuff. But that's okay,
all right, here we go next. I've written down some
things in my thirty seven years of being sober, some
things I've taken from colleagues that I think will be helpful.
Now is new. Okay, now is new? What does that mean? Okay?
(09:17):
You do something you're sharp with somebody. You're going to memory.
You miss your old girlfriend, You yelled at somebody. Maybe
you did something you know a little shady, you stole
whatever it is, Okay, don't go into the horror stories.
Start your day over right now. Wake up right now?
Now is new? Doesn't matter. You're a little tired, little
depressed yet. Work up now is new? Start over now
(09:40):
is new? Powerful exercise change my life. Do it all
the time. You can start your day over anytime. How
great is that something's happened? You know, it doesn't matter.
Start to do with anytime. I start my day over
thirty times a day. It doesn't matter. Start your day
over anytime. All right. A lot of people know. One
of the specialties I do, besides alcoholism drug addiction, is
(10:00):
sex and love addiction. What is sex addiction? Is it
really is sex addiction? Because I like to have sex
so much? Love addiction? Is that a fans? You know?
I mean love? Can you really be you know what?
I'm going to read you the twelve characteristics of SLA.
I'll maybe talk a little bit about them. You can
google twelve characteristics of slot SLA. Pull them up a
(10:22):
lot of times when I hand that sheet to somebody
who I think might be having this particular illness. A
lot of times they break down crying a lot of
times they say I had no idea this exists, and
they go, I've checked out. I've checked twelve of these.
I've checked nine of them. So I'm going to read
them and I'm gonna talk about them a little bit.
And once again, you can just google these, pull them up.
(10:43):
Don't recommend use these stocking stuffers though, Okay, because but
boys a good one. All right, here we go. Number one,
having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with or
emotionally attached to people without knowing them. Wow. Number two,
(11:09):
Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful,
destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and other
growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones,
ourselves in God. Fearing emotional and or sexual deprivation, we
(11:31):
compulsively pursue and evolve ourselves in one relationship after another,
sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional layison at
a time. We know that person. I'm all of these, Okay,
I'm emotional reading these because I've said this before, I
(11:51):
was in a prison in Arizona, and I was in
solitary confinement, and I'd rather be that than deal with
what I'm reading to you now. Well, the worst kind
of pain is waiting for somebody to tell you're okay, Because,
like alcoholism, you just go down to the liquor store,
you grab a drink. It's cool this. You're waiting for
the text. You're waiting for the I love you. You're
(12:13):
waiting for the you know, I miss you. I can't
wait to see you. And if that doesn't come, now
we've got a real problem. And so what happens when
that doesn't happen? You keep it going with somebody else,
Keep the drug alive, one after another, keep it going.
Number four so great. We confuse love with neediness. We
(12:34):
confuse love with neediness physical and sexual attraction, pity, and
or the need to rescue or be rescue. Number five.
We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. You
know what the greatest thing about recovery for me is
I love being alone. Do you know how many concerts
and plays I go to by myself? Now I had
(12:56):
a complete inability to do that. We feel empty and
incomplete when we were alone. Even though we fear intimacy
and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
It's just the big one. Number six. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear,
(13:19):
and envy. I'm gonna read that again. We sexualize stress, guilt, lowliness, anger, shame, fear,
and envy. We use sex or and emotional dependence as
substitutes for nurturing, care and support. I used to say,
all my pain, all my fear, all my insecurities went
right down through my penis. Okay, And what sex and
(13:43):
love addiction is it's I tell people you're a thief
because we steal from people. It's a magic trick. You
get in there. You want to present yourself a certain
way because you just want them to love you. It's neediness.
Oh and you promise things and you love bomb them
and then they give you that, and then you fucking
pull the carpet from underneath them because you found somebody else.
(14:04):
You got what you wanted to you still from people,
we don't steal from people. I don't steal from people anymore.
No magic tricks, okay, because I love myself. Two sad people,
two junkies with smoking the same crackpipe with each other.
That's what sex and love addiction is. Don't hurt people,
don't steal from people. Okay, one day at a time. Okay,
(14:25):
that's a good one. Number seven. We use sex and
emotional involvement to manipulate and control others. I'm gonna read
that again. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate
in controllers. I just talked about that a little bit.
Number eighth. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic
(14:49):
or sexual obsessions or fantasies. I've seen guys here that
are world class athletes, world class physical specimens, Olympic gold
medal hinners, super Bowl champions, that if they don't get
the text or know they're cool with their chick, are
(15:11):
in the worst pain in the world. They don't know
how to control it. It is unbearable to them. Once again,
it is the worst pain in the world. Recovery from
sex and love addiction is learning how to deal with
that pain, not only how to deal with that pain.
Why is that pain there? Why is that attachment there?
Why am I giving this stranger so much? You know currency,
Why am I letting somebody define me. Why am I
(15:31):
letting somebody hit me? They have to meet on the
magic wand and I'm okay, because you know it's amazing.
I've seen it. It's incredible. I'll have a guy here suicidal,
ready to take his life because some girls not saying
hello might like somebody else. Oh that's the worst one.
And they're in session and they'll get the message. We're cool.
I love y'all see it in half an hour. Fuck
(15:52):
like a kid going to Disney that for the first time,
completely gone. They don't mean shifts. So that's why it's
a drug. That's why to drug. Okay. Number nine, we
avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who
are emotionally unavailable. We want them and I'm gonna get
this more. Number twelve. Magically, we want them to be
(16:12):
somebody they're not because we have this idea that they're
gonna be saved. They're gonna save me. Nobody can save you.
And they're broken from the gate. But you know what,
you couldn't see they were broken at the gate. You
couldn't see the red flags because you would hit earwan.
We're running all your jive and hustle, and they laid
it right in front of you, but you didn't see
it because you were too fucking high trying to close them.
(16:35):
That's why when you're sober, okay, and the yoga teacher
who's got all these incredible sayings, right, and you're listening
more and more, okay, but you find out our car's
broken down, and you find out she's in tent, and
you find out she's got a three other kids she
hasn't talked to. But you missed that right because you're like,
oh man, this girl's so beautiful. She's a yoga teacher
and she knows all these things. Pay attention to ladies
(16:57):
and gentlemen. The flags are there if you're sober to them. Otherwise,
good luck. Because if you need to change people, change people.
Say it again, you know, if you need to change people,
change people. Okay, always tell people, right, it's like buying
a house. Right. You don't want to fucking fix rupper, Okay,
you want turn tea. You know, I always say the guys,
(17:19):
give me your toolkit. All these people walk around these big,
huge toolkits. I'm gonna fix them on and get this
to them. It's so selfish why not have somebody who
may be ready to play with you a little bit,
who's got a little bit of maturity, who can dance
with you. Okay, all right, gosh, darning those tools. I've
had those toolkits, boere. They were a good set. I
had it one time. Okay. Number ten, we stay enslaved,
(17:41):
oh Man to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue or compulsive sexual
enslaved slaves and Myers slave to the fantasy who we
are to each other? Slave to you know, we're gonna
go to Coachella and it's gonna be amazing, and we're
taking pictures and day everything's I'm cool and all this,
(18:02):
but we know what's going on. Right, there's a party
who thinks she doesn't like you. Well, you can't say
that in the Instagram photo. And she looked at that
guy maybe a little too long, and then you screamed
at her. Right, I'm talking more about trauma bonding, right,
And then she left for a while, and then you
pleaded with her. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm
just I'm just secure id And then you guys are bonding, right,
(18:23):
then you feel bad. Then you buy her like four
and hoars worth of merchandise, but she kind of really
can't afford. Don't tell anybody that, right, you're telling everyone
what a fucking bit shot you are, but you got
twelve different credit cards going on because you want to
keep the diction alive. Right, And then you're driving back
and everything is good and you're holding hands and you're
looking at that and you think she's gonna spend the
night maybe and she's gonna do something to tell our friends,
(18:44):
and she goes drop me off. Maybe we need to
take a break. Oh fuck me, the old I gotta
take a break situation. And now you got to got
you on suicide alert. What happened? You're with the wrong person.
You're in the fantasy, you're in the intrigue. You have
this idea, but you missed it at Airwana. Ladies and gentlemen, Right,
it's on you. You gotta take responsibility, right if you're
(19:06):
nipping away when you're meeting the person, that's on you. Okay,
all right? Number eleven. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may
retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional and
erexia for recovery. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat
from all intimate involvement. Okay, this is somebody who's more
(19:27):
on the other side of They're terrified to actually put
themselves out there. Okay, so they'll actually shut themselves down
saying that they're taking care of themselves. No no, no, no, no, no,
no no, that's not what it's about. Okay. I want
you out in the world. I want you to learn
how healthy courting. I want you to learn how to
meet somebody. Maybe it is scary. Maybe you just start
(19:47):
with holding hands, maybe learn about touch. But if you
think in that I'm not gonna see anybody, I'm not
gonna date. I'm just for gonna be like that. You're
the other way around. Flip it. Okay, get out and experimental.
I know it's scary, but try a little bit. But
do you know what, because we both know you want love,
you want some touch, You want to feel cared for right,
(20:08):
you want someone to say I miss you, have a
nice day. Come on, be honest with yourself. Be honest
with yourself. We gotta be honest with ourself. Come on. Okay,
this is it number twelve. We assign magical qualities to others.
We idolize and pursue them, and then we blame them
(20:30):
for not fulfilling our fannies or expectations. Okay, right, we
assign magical qualities to others. We idolize and pursue them,
and then we get funky and blame them for not
fulfilling or fantaies and expectation. What are magical qualities? I
talked a little bit of the yoga person. I always
give this example, right, because you know what people love
to throw and I try not to laugh. I will
(20:53):
actually don't laugh because I understand it because I've done
that thousand times, probably more embarrassing to myself. The client
sits down here all excited. I think I met the
person today and they throw out the word soul mate.
So I think I'm at my soulmate today. Oh, tell
me about this, Okay. I'm having a little bit of
(21:15):
fun right now, but tell me right, okay. So you know,
I was really hungry, and I was driving down Lincoln Boulevard, okay,
and something said go to el Poil Local. I never
go to al Poil Local. I don't really like their
I'm more of a California chicken cat fee. And I
thought just going to Californy and I sit down. It's
kind of grimy, right, and I you know, I'm doing
my thing, and I look up and I see a
(21:36):
girl across the way, and so you know, she got
a Dave of Bowie shirt on. Fuck, okay, you're I
love David Bowie. That's interesting. She looks at me and
I kind of look at her, right, And do you
mind if I come joined you? Okay? Yeah, yeah, we're talking.
And this is where it is crazy. Right, she's drinking
(21:59):
a diet you know, I love Die of coke and
she got alignment her diet coke, right, and I'm going, fuck, okay,
she loves a Bowie? What's your favorite Dead Boys? On?
She's heroes? I'm most sorry, cry, I can't fucking believe.
And then she's sober, and I said, well, how long
is she sober? Nineteen days? I know, but you're sober
ten years, I know. But like she's really mature for age.
(22:21):
Oh that's great. Great, Well she doesn't have a job really, okay,
Well do you know where she lives? Well, I don't know.
I think she well, she might be a shelter. I
don't know. I think she's working hard on because she
came from a really good school, and a lot of
things happened, and well, okay, now we assigned magical qualities
(22:42):
of people. Okay, right, we want them to be somebody
because maybe they're did the great things we think they
can show for us, we think they can love for us. Okay,
that's kind of a funny story. But I hear a
thousand different versions from El Poile Local to Central Pei
to Irwan to be backstage somewhere, But most part, it's
(23:03):
never rooted in truth. And what happens is we have
an idea of what our mates should be, and we
cast that person. We cast them in this role, and
we put the uniform on them. Actually, sometimes we actually
tell them how to dress and how to talk. And
maybe we send them to school and we're going to
fix them up, maybe how to wear their makeup. Maybe
we get their hair done. Oh big daddy, you gotta
(23:24):
get their boobs done for them, maybe a little Brazilian
butt lift. Get them right. And they're looking good and
they're popping and shit's working and we're guys are cool.
But sometimes she talks and you bring out a little
embarrassed sometimes, right, and this goes for women with guys' rights. Right,
and then she's just sound really stupid. Maybe you give
her the American Express cards, sweetie, go get a manicure
(23:47):
on Main Street, get something right, and she goes, oh,
love you, thank you? Right, and then she comes back
with a product purse, like, babe, what's this? Oh? I
thought you should go out and take care of myself, right,
and I just bought it? Well, how much was it was?
Ten thousand dollars? Right? Because she doesn't understand these things.
(24:11):
How hard are you working money? Now you're fucking livid.
Now you're calling her stupid bitch. Now you're calling a whore.
Now you're calling her like what the fuck? Now, like
who the fuck are you? And she says, don't you
ever talk to me, motherfucker that way. Now she's getting
to her inner ghetto. Now we're really getting down to
who we are because now we're dealing with causes and conditions.
Now the trust is broken. Now we really see and
(24:34):
she goes, you know what, fuck you, I'm out here,
and you know what, she throws a purse at you.
Part of you wants to take the purse and gets
physical with her, but you know I probably should do that.
Right now, you have a little bit of restraints. She
fucking leaves with the car you bought her. But now
you're fuck, you're thinking yourself, God damn it. The Lisa
is in her name. I'm stuck on that now that car.
Now you're like, oh fuck, now she's leaving. It's two
(24:57):
hours gone by and you haven't heard from her. Oh fuck, yes,
that's what you text you and your text comes up green.
It's not blue anymore. The honey bunnies, this emojis aren't
there anymore. And now you're in panic. Now you're in fear.
Now you're in secure. You lost it because you've got
these magical qualities about her. But she was that person
the whole time. She didn't do anything wrong. You groomed
(25:18):
her brother sister. You groomed that person to be this
version for your insecurity, because you know what, you didn't
have the balls, the guns, the strength and maturity, the
sobriety to meet somebody at your level. So you go
down a little bit and you steal from the local village.
That's what we're doing right, once again, stealing, and you
(25:40):
have these magical qualities. Now you're in real pain, and
now you beg her to come back. And then maybe
you guys do the dance for a little bit, but
it's rocky. Now, it's always that kind of shit. But
you know what, your code have pitted in security and
you said, you know what, honey, that was wrong in me.
You don't actually feel this, but you tell us because
you're so fucking desperate by two persons. Next time, what
(26:02):
was I think in that time? Guess what? She might
even fucking do that just to teach you a lesson. Now,
the question is do you want to keep this dance
going on and on? Do you want to keep smoking
the crack pipe of magical? This is a person when
you actually want to do the work and learn about courtship,
learn about authenticity, about meeting somebody, because you know what,
(26:23):
pick on somebody your own size, as they used to say,
pick on somebody your own size. So that's that. How
about that? Keith? Yeah, yeah, you know sometimes you get
seen all that saxophone. Man, I'm just gonna fucking riff
it right, any generational trauma. I always say this, I'm
unbelievably grateful to be sober almost thirty eight years now.
(26:43):
I'm grateful that I earned my living helping people. People
know I love my work. M The thing I'm most
proud of is any generational trauma with my son Dylan
Luke McFarlane. And as I've said, you know, not just
be giuse my son, because if there was a struggle,
if there was pain, there was conflict, I would be
sharing about it because the best way to help you
(27:06):
is tell you what I'm going through. Perhaps, right that's
not been the case because me and his mother, uh Nicola, Okay,
we've always provided safety for him. Now safety, what does
safety mean? Safety is kindness and love in the house.
Safety is learning how to say no to your kids.
I know that means something to keep We talked about
that once, learning the power you're just saying no, okay,
(27:29):
and always knowing where your kids are at. Sometimes I'm
shocked at I'm talking to parents, Well, where your kids
are struggling? Right? What's going? Where are they at right now? Well?
I don't know, I don't. How do you not know
where your fucking thirteen year old is? Like, there's a
problem right there? Why are they running the show? Why
are they dictating the terms? Okay? And the other thing
that we did is I always say there's two parents
(27:49):
when your child brings home a rock? Is this a
goofy ugly rock with dirt and maybe it's got stems
growing on it. There's one pair goes, oh Jesus Christ,
you're bringing get that out of here. And there's an
other parent goes, oh my god, till, what's up with
this rock? What do you like about this thing? You
show interest, you show everything, you show interests. Okay, and
(28:11):
you make it a beautiful thing and it becomes a lesson.
And the other thing that I really believe in. Surround
your child with greatness, Surround them with the arts, surround
them with education, surround them and there's always a way
to do it. YouTube is a great university. Okay. Now
I'm gonna go more in detail about that. Okay, but
(28:33):
my son does not live in shame. My son, by
the way, he's not worried about me drinking. He's not
worrying about Man, this sucks is Christmas because dad's not
in prison. You've got to stay sober so there's no
incidents in your life happening. Okay. I know, maybe part
your child's ten years old, a lot of it you
were drinking. Doesn't matter anymore. Now is new? Right? Now
(28:56):
is new Make this a sober year, and then make
it another sober year. Okay. What kids need to do.
They need to feel safe. They need to know that
their parents are there. That is a respectful place. That
is the number one thing. Okay. Now, if a child
is raised in a family, okay, where they feel responsible
(29:16):
for their parents' needs, because see, that's what happens. You
don't take care of your kids. They feel responsible. Okay,
they do not learn to recognize their own don't need
to take care of us, that's our job. You need
to take care of himself. Okay, this child, this is
what happens. Okay, they're gonna repeat that pattern adulthood, the
(29:38):
magical thinking. That's a dynamic for a lot of the
basics for that. People are acting out because this thing happened. Okay,
the child repeat the pattern. Adult is more likely to
end up an abusive, codependent relationship. In a story, they
often grow up to be people pleasers, and we'll wonder
(29:59):
why no one appreciates what they do? Why do they
appreciate me? Okay, break that dynamic. Okay, that's what any
generational trauma. Now, I know a lot of people say this,
and I wrote this down Okay. If you want to
break the cycle, you have to do something you've never
done before. Okay. I know you come from a family
(30:20):
history of this is the way we do things. Okay, right,
it's up to us to break the generation curses. I
love this part. This is really important. Right when they
say it runs in the family, you tell them you
know what, and this is where it fucking runs out. Well,
this is the way we do it. You know this.
We rob we whatever, we don't kind, we don't. We
(30:42):
talk to our women this way. No, no, not anymore.
That may be work for you, godspeed not it. Not
gonna do it here, We're gonna end it. You got
to be sober to do that, though. You got to
be absentent to do that. Though. You can't do this
if you're nipping. Okay. And what more important thing is
to raise your children and give them something that you
didn't have and make it safe. Okay. Otherwise, guess what
they're gonna up on this couch. I don't want him
(31:04):
on my couch. Okay. I want to help applications for school.
I want to go to their high school events. I
want to see pictures of my oh man when parents
send me pictures of their kids at their prom, and
I look at them, they're so beautiful, health. I want
the pictures of the prom. I want to see their
first swimming lessons. I want to see him going to Disneyland.
I don't want him on the couch struggling. I don't
want him on the couch because they've been cutting themselves.
(31:26):
I don't want them in an abusive relationship where they're
getting beat up they don't know how, because that's what
was modeled to them, modeled love, model light, modeled how
much you appreciate your partner. You know, I used to
do this with Dylan. It's so simple, simple things he does.
You don't need money. He doesn't have to be Mother's Day.
Let's get a card, you know, and let's get a card.
(31:46):
I'm gonna write out things I love about your mother, right, Oh,
great work, ethic, makes the best breakfast, has art, whatever,
it's a long list, Okay, just write that. And then
he sees me appreciating his mother and kindness. Okay, and
then we have a moment together and guess what he
does that with his employees. He does that with his
girlfriends Now little post its note, little simple thing, but
(32:10):
it's a gesture, little things, little gestures, little markers. Okay,
go out of your way just to say thank you. Okay.
I don't want your children on my couch. Okay, I
want them living out loud. That's how you're in the
generational curse. You know, if you go to my house
in the morning, everybody knows I read a bunch of things.
One of the persons that great teacher is ekhar Tolely. Okay,
(32:33):
most people know him. Once again, do you want a masterclass?
Just look at his quotes. Google some of it, watch
some of his talks. They're free. This is one of
the ones that I love that he wrote about, and
he says, it's just so right on the money. You know,
when you complain, high complainers out there right, you make
yourself a victim. Lead the situation, change the situation, or
(32:59):
accept it. All else is madness. Once again, when you complain,
you make yourself a victim. Leave it, just get out,
go right, change the situation or accept it. All else's madness.
What I always say here, nobody can blow your light
(33:19):
out unless you give them permission. Right, think about that, okay,
right recovery. What we do here is ruthless self examination. Okay.
You want to change the person, they don't want to change, okay,
and you start complaining about them. Okay. Well, at some
point it's on you. Okay, it's on you. You're in
(33:44):
the abusive relationship. You're staying with them. The job sucks,
the boyfriend sucks, the traffic sucks, you feel bad about
your body. Okay. Well, if you keep telling everyone your
sad story, a lot of people will listen to it. Okay,
but you're boring people with you do something otherwise, you
speak victim disease. Okay. What I always say, The world
(34:05):
doesn't need to change I do. Okay. Who's the only
person I suffer from? Sena McFarlane Okay? So how do
you do that though? How do you change the situation?
How do you walk away from some Well, you got
to believe that you know what, you did everything on
your part, okay, and you got to move on okay,
and you got to take responsibility. Why, you know, I
(34:26):
remember this early on. I have so many great stories
about this. My wife Nicola, when she was at Yale
her senior project, they went with a fellow classmate to
Africa to study, you know, to study different parts of Africa,
and her girlfriend met a nomad there, right, and part
of the you know, they're taking from dirpher and she
(34:47):
really fell for him, right, and they went they kept
traveling around and they came back to the village and
you know, she was a distraught, you know, and the
nomad wasn't there, and she was like, oh well, and
in pain and crying and and and she's telling her
story and Nichola said, listen, the person's a nomad. That's
(35:07):
what nomads do. They go away. You can't get mad
at the nomad, right, Okay, that's what you gotta take responsibility.
That's what they do. Figure out the nomads in your life. Okay.
You know, if you meet somebody and they say, you know,
I'm prone to crime and I do different things and
they get arrested, again, that's on you. Okay, take a
responsibility for what you're being at. Okay. If you keep
(35:29):
over eating okay, and you look in the mirror, don't
like yourself, maybe one day try not and I try
not to eat bad. Okay once again, brother, totally, when
you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation,
change the situation, or accept it all else's madness. How
(35:50):
wonderful it is to know. I just gotta work on
you know. And by the way, I always have a
part in it. Okay, I always part if I really
want to look deep, Okay, if I really really want
to look deep, I have Okay, look within yourself, get
right with yourself, and that's that. Okay, We're gonna close
with that affirmation because I believe in affirmations. It's a
(36:12):
little simple one. And uh oh okay, lastly on this part,
forgive me you know how I go. Remember those things
you can always control. Okay. I don't want to hear
about the other person. I know, no, no, no, I know,
but you keep saying it though. That's on you. Here's
what you can't control. Okay, your words. You show what
(36:33):
you say. You can show your words, your actions, what
you do, stay leave, change stay leave change right. Your
attitude Okay, this changed my life. Attitude is everything. Attitude
is everything. Okay. You know Michael Becka who came on
the show I do. He wakes up every much. So
today's gonna be the best day of my life. Keith
(36:54):
gets messages from me at five in the morning. Welcome
to the greatest money ever every time. Hell of my beauty.
It's energy what putting out in the world. Okay, attitude?
You go, Oh god, a fuck another day? Oh God,
guess what you're a victim. Guess what opportunity just passed
you by. Guess what maybe a little bit performed to
go to happy hour of that day because you've been
complaining about the whole day. You can control your perspective,
(37:17):
your focus, your effort, and your energy. Remember how I
said I came in here my brain was telling me
I was tired. No, I was scared, but I worked
hard at knowing the difference. You know, hopefully my energy
has been strong here. Okay, my energy is great. Your
energy is great. Don't listen to what your brain tells you.
Your energy is great. I don't want to hear your bullshit.
Here's the affirmation of the day. I clear out negative
(37:43):
energy and habits holding me back from expressing my true self.
I let go of the blockages and thought patterns that
are keeping me in a place that no longer serves
my soul. I dry and happiness with every inhale. I
drawn happiness. Come on in happiness with every inhale. Woooo,
(38:07):
I smoke the happiness pipe, not the crack pipe anymore.
Thank you for listening. Godspeed, make other people's lives easier.
It's easier to live life that way, all right. Thank you.
The Sinal Show is a production of iHeart Podcasts, hosted
by me Cina McFarlane, produced by pod People in twenty eighth.
Av Our lead producer is Keith Carnlick. Our executive producer
(38:29):
is Lindsay Hoffman. Marketing lead is Ashley Weaver. Thank you
so much for listening. We'll see you next week.
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