July 26, 2024 • 29 mins
This week I’m sharing how making friends in motherhood had me feeling like an alien. BUT, in a beautiful turn of events, I’m finding my way. I’ve shifted, and as a result, everything around me shifted too. In this episode, I’m sharing how my childhood Lisa got in the way, TRAPS to avoid when making new friends, and top actionable tips for finding your tribe.
The Truthiest Life on Instagram: @thetruthiestlife
Host: @lisahayim
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Edited by Houston Tilley
Intro Jingle by Alyssa Chase aka @findyoursails
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
No beay, even when times Geithard and you feel you're
in the c see just how beautiful life can be.
When you saften your heart, you can finally start to
(00:27):
live your tu seious life.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the Truth is Life. It's
your host, Lisa Haim, and today's episode is a good one.
It's all about making friends in adulthood, specifically motherhood, and
I'm going to be sharing my own surprise recent struggles,
what worked for me, actionable tips, and some things I
think people really don't talk about when it comes to
(00:52):
making new friends. This is going to be specific to
the motherhood stage, but I think that it can be
pretty easily extracted even if you're not about. Before we
jump in, I just want to say thank you so
much for your continued support despite being inconsistent on this platform.
This past year, I went through really big shifts and changes,
big motherhood growing pains, and I just needed to take
(01:14):
a break from the push and pull of trying to
be a do it all mom and just nosedive into
motherhood and figuring out who I am. Right now, I
feel like I am emerging in so many ways. I
feel so sturdy in my motherhood journey and who I
am my voice, and I have so much clarity and confidence,
(01:35):
and I'm even starting to feel that creativity starting to
stir within, and I feel very able to give and
put out energy into the world again. I'm not saying
that I'm coming back to the truthiest life very consistently
at this time. However, it feels good to use this
platform for things that I'm going through in the moment,
more nuanced conversations. If I've just got something stern that
(01:58):
I think requires more new wants than a social media post,
I want to come back here and use it. So
that's what we're doing today. Okay, so today's topic is
making friendship in adulthood, specifically motherhood. And I have a
motto lately that I shared on social media on Instagram
that is, if you are not obsessed with your friends,
get nuance. And that sounds very flippant, but it's really not.
(02:23):
There's nuance. And I am somebody who my oldest friends,
my best friends, date back to kindergarten. I don't discard
friendships easily, but I think as we get older, we
sometimes find ourself friends with people or in groups that
no longer fit and sometimes there's that initial connection that
just kind of happens right, But over time the differences
(02:45):
become really clear, the truth reveals itself. Maybe you were
never a fit, or maybe you're just growing in different connections.
But for me, and I think a lot of women,
female friendships in adulthood are revitalizing. They can be revitalizing.
They should light you up, they should feel like being
able to breathe. And for me having female friendships maybe
(03:08):
because of the specific relationship where I'm in where my
partner does work a lot, like, female friendships are everything
to me. They are the ground that catch me and
I need my friends, I need my chab. This year
kind of took me by huge surprise because historically I
have no problems making friends. That's kind of like the
Hallmark thing about me. I make friends wherever I go, Metemaia,
(03:29):
my best friends, operation manager, in jury duty. I've had
no problem making friends, the nutrition programs, yoga trainings, wherever
I go, I collect a bestie. And yet I have
really struggled this past year to fit in And this
is like a new concept for me. But the other day,
this is kind of what actually made me think about
(03:50):
doing this. This podcast is because I had this revelation
about my own struggles and specifically the struggle to make
new friends since becoming a mom. So short version here
is in the last year or so. This is when
the struggles began. Once I had solely and it was
time to step out into the world and make friends
through being a mom. And I think that suburbia is
(04:12):
much harder than a city, where in the city it
feels like there's a lot more opportunities for mingling, whereas
in suburbia everybody has their own separate lives and within
their homes, so much is going on you don't have
to get out as much. But I found myself living
in suburbia feeling like everybody already had multiple kids, like
a full house, already had their established friendships from their
(04:33):
older kids, and I just felt like an outsider. And
as I reflected a little bit more, I realized that
although I'm saying I've never had problems making friends, there
have been instances where I have been similar to I
think how I've been acting this past year, which is
recoiling in reverting and not being like the me that
(04:56):
easily makes friends. And these situations have been boy Camp sororities,
and now motherhood. And the difference I think is that
these are places where there is already like an established
group or norm or friendships, and all of these situations
like for whatever reason, camp like people came as groups, sororities,
(05:17):
clicks form very quickly, and motherhood too feels like this
place where there's existing dynamics, at least specifically where I
have been looking for friendships. When I enter these situations,
I turn into a weird, energetic place where even if,
like my heart wants to attract people, I feel like
(05:38):
I'm repelling them a bit because something happens where I'm
not the most authentic version of me. I read a room,
I read energy, and when I feel that there's like
an existing norm in place, I'm not a disruptor. I'm
trying to figure out where I fit in, and in
trying to figure that out, I kind of hide parts
(05:59):
of my self health, compartmentalize a bit, and as a result,
I don't really show the real me, and that I
think doesn't make me comfortable with me and doesn't necessarily
attract the people that I want to attract. One thing
about me is that I also don't chase people. So
if somebody doesn't immediately want to be my friend, or
(06:20):
I feel a cold shoulder, like you're not going to
get me trying really hard. As I reflect a little
bit further upon that, I realize that that is a
fear of rejection coping mechanism more than it's like a
strong woman thing like I don't need you. And I'm
not saying that that's the best thing to do at all,
but I'm recognizing that for me, that's how I handle rejection.
(06:42):
And it's really good, I think for all of us
to think about how we handle rejection or fear of
rejection and how it gets in the way. And this
can bleed into all areas of life, even applying for
a job. Right If we're afraid to apply for a
job because we're afraid of getting rejected, think about how
that interrupts our I mean, I know that people don't
apply to my mutreats because they're afraid of getting rejected.
(07:04):
And so we have these ways of protecting ourselves that
might not actually be super protective. And once we reveal
why we do these things, at least in my case,
I can show myself so much more compassion possibly work
to change that coping mechanism if I feel it's not
really serving me. So yes, I am like the Queen
of making friends in surprising places with people who are
(07:27):
different than me. But put me in a situation where
there are existing groups and dynamics and I totally shell up, revert, recoil,
turn into little Lisa. Honestly, and in motherhood this past
year this has been the case, maybe for a good reason.
I feel like a pattern of human behavior is to
(07:48):
not allow new people to come into a group, right Like,
think about wherever an existing group exists, they often show
resistance to the new cover. Whether that's at work and
there's a new hire, or in grade school when a
new kid moves to town, or any sort of situation,
a new person seems to threaten a group, and the
initial response is usually for the existing group to discredit
(08:09):
the newcomer. With time, this fades. It always does. You've
got this strong initial group, and then with time, as
you get access to a person having small conversations, things shift,
like a country kind of falls apart and turns into
little different colonies. And I think I really feel that
initial group mentality and don't know how to handle it
(08:32):
when I walk into a situation. So yes, when I
am a said newcomer, I lose myself a bit and
I'm not particularly loud or disruptive, and I go in
more cautiously, and this really transforms into an energetic version
of me that is not me at all. It's like
little little me, fear of rejection me, and therefore I
(08:53):
don't easily attract friends. So this was a huge realization
for me because I was able to see really clearly
what happens and why I've been feeling like such an alien.
And with this information, I think I'm better, able to
change things, better, able to control my energy and maybe
not do what I always do, and most importantly, probably
(09:15):
like the first step, be there for the little Lisa
who is dealing with feelings of fears of rejection or
possible past rejection in the past. And that's what it
all kind of boils down to working on ourselves, working
on ourselves, and working on ourselves. The more we get
to know ourselves, the more we are there for ourselves
and be there for those little fragile versions of ourselves
(09:36):
because that's who needs the healing, right and through any
sort of rejection, we have an established way of dealing
with things. So we have those established neural pathways. But
when we use mindfulness, self awareness, self compassion, when we
observe when we witness that emotional trap, then we have
an opportunity to hold and soothe ourselves work through that
(09:58):
emotional surge, rather than put our hand up and say okay,
I don't need them either, and come out on the
other side. From there, we can shift into a new behavior,
a new energetic field. And that's how we create a
new neural pathway as long as we strengthen it and
use it again. This is all the practice of being
with ourselves in uncomfortable moments, and every time we do
(10:19):
this we strengthen that muscle of being able to sit, sift,
and be really thoughtfully intentional with what we do next.
We have the ability to change our brains to change
our frequency, but it requires sitting with the yuck. It
really does. So I like to think about like the
fabric of my insides when I'm like coiled up. When
(10:41):
I'm coiled up, We've got this like bumpy fabric, wrinkly
when I'm expansive, when I'm at ease, when I'm breathing freely,
the fabric within my body is like smooth covering, no bumps.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but
I'm starting to think and maybe I need to manifest
a little bit a co host because sometimes things sound
good in my head and as I say them, I'm
(11:02):
not sure if it needs more elaboration. So I'm going
to put it out there. I would love a co
host for The Truthiest Life or a secondary podcast. Maybe
a new best friend I don't even know exists out there,
putting it out there, not afraid to say the things
that I want. And I'm also not hunting for someone,
but I think that having a co host would make,
first of all, this a lot more fun and would
(11:24):
help all of us make these concepts a lot less abstract.
So for me, this problem of feeling like I really
don't belong started when Solely started going to school. For me,
(11:48):
this problem of feeling like I really don't be long
started when Solely started going to school. We chose this
school for a variety of reasons. It's not like my
dream school in terms of teaching, philosop fee or anything,
but logistically it just made a lot of sense. And
she had a fabulous year with incredible teachers who really
(12:10):
made such an important impact on her life. But for me,
I was really struggling to mesh with this existing community
lots of established friendships, not a lot of first time moms,
and I just didn't do my usual driving of like
making a best friend. And I think like showing up
to this school twice a day, picking up, dropping off,
(12:31):
and being faced with this feeling of I'm an alien,
I'm an outsider, I don't fit in really started to
like frame and take over my thoughts and my feelings,
even if it wasn't the reality, Like I have friends
in so many different areas of life, but I think
twice a day being faced with this feeling of ooh,
I don't fit in really started to contaminate my energy,
(12:52):
further fester, and create a little bit of a story.
One thing about me is that I am not looking
for like carbon cops copies of me in friendships. My
best friends are all different from me in beliefs, in values,
in the way that they think about things, in everything.
Of course, I do have a few friends where we
are very aligned, and those friendships are wonderful, But I
(13:14):
just want to clarify that when I am looking for
a friend. I'm not looking for people that are exactly
the same as me. In fact, I really love the
differences in the people who are my best friends because
that's how I learn, that's what keeps things exciting. Our
conversations don't go in circles, and yeah, I think it's
just something to mention. So when I came to this
school and I didn't find moms who align with me
(13:36):
in all the different things parenting, I wasn't writing anybody off,
but I still wasn't driving with anybody enough to I
don't know, just feel like, okay, I could get on here.
We have decided to stay in the school because, like
I said, Sooley had a wonderful year. She made really
good friends, the teachers are incredible, And through this I've
(13:58):
had to have a lot of moments to really check
myself and make sure that I wasn't making choices that
are good for me but not best for my daughter.
And I think that this is like the hardest part
of parenting that nobody talks about. Is a lot of
the things that we do touch past pain points of ourselves,
and when it rubs that past wound, do we react
(14:20):
or are we able to sit with that past pain,
revisit it you don't even know it was there, and
then make sure that the choices aren't a projection of
your own neglected or undealt with problems. So for me,
there was so much going on this year of sitting
with the discomfort that I felt and really making sure
that my choices were best for solely. So yeah, this
(14:41):
past year I think I really lost myself because although
I do have existing friends outside, I felt like there
were constant reminders of feeling like an outsider, and this
just really framed and affected my energy and my thoughts
and my feelings about myself. Honestly, at the same time,
this past year was not a focus for me on
(15:02):
making new friends. I didn't like think, oh, Solly's going
to school, I'm going to make all these new friends.
This past year, coming off of two intense hospitalizations, it
was really just about taking really good care of myself.
If anything, it was putting some walls up and I
was really just a wreck and deplete and nervous all
the time and really just burnt out in all of
(15:25):
the ways. But the past few weeks I have felt
such a shift where I feel really different. I don't
feel deplete or nervous. I just feel like I'm coming
back into myself. And what I've noticed, which is really
cool and what really really inspired me to do this episode,
is that as I have changed, so has the energy
(15:46):
of the people that I'm attracting around me. And it's
awesome because I always know that when things start to
change around me in the world, like different people talking
to me or people coming up to me for different reasons,
it is always reflection of my inner state. I remember
when I first started doing yoga. I felt this almost
immediately because I would walk out of a yoga class
(16:07):
and my energy was just completely shifted. I didn't have
even maybe language to even say energy shifted or frequency elevated,
but like something in me was different and the world
reflected back to me differently. It was like changing who
that I was and having the proof in the interactions
that I was having. And that kind of feels like
what's going on right now? And I think when it
(16:29):
comes to friendship, we oftentimes think about like, oh, what
did I say, how do I be nice? Blah blah blah,
And sometimes it's really not about the words, but it's
about our energetic body, and this last year I didn't
have the capacity to make friends as my truest self,
and so I didn't. So now I'm feeling different. The
world is smiling back at me. People are commenting on
(16:50):
my outfits, which aren't anything special. My hair in something special,
and it's just fascinating because it's again that proof of
like when you are living a different frequency, the world
mirrors that back to you. Recent example of something cool
that happened and how I met a friend. There was
a fair in my town, and my town is actually
(17:11):
pretty big, but you feel like you know everybody. So
I was not going to this expecting to meet people.
It was just me solely and Evan, my husband, and
my daughter, and I went on this little train ride
and behind me was this family of three and I've
never seen this family before, and the girl just looked cool.
So I started to talk to her a little bit,
like asking her daughter's name and her name, and I
(17:32):
just liked her. She was refreshing, and something was just different.
And I don't usually get nervous to like make the
next step, but I think like coming off of this
year of just feeling like an alien, I lost myself
a little bit, and I didn't get her number, and
I start to walk away, and I'm thinking to myself, okay, Li,
so like just go get her number. And I start
looking around and I cannot find her at this huge
(17:53):
fair and I say, Okay, you know what, I'll meet
her again somewhere in town if God wants it to be,
God wants it to be. Maybe three minutes later, she
runs up to me and says, I'm sorry. I know
that this is really weird. My husband thinks I'm a freak,
but you just seem really nice. I've had such a
hard time meeting friends. I would love to get your number.
You seem really nice. And I was like, oh my god,
me too.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Ah.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
And it was this incredible moment because it's such a
great example of how we truly do attract our people.
And so many parts of that interaction speak to the
tips that I'm going to give a little bit later on,
but as a little heads up, it's don't be afraid
to take the next step, and don't be afraid to
be a little bit vulnerable. Her saying like I've had
trouble making new friends to me was just like it
(18:34):
felt like a hug and immediately I was like, you're
my people. That's it. We're going to hang out really soon.
So getting to the tips here, Before we get into
the specific tips, I just want to call out two
things and then we'll get into those tips. So the
first one is that not all friends are going to
check every box. I think similar to like dating, people
can be really picky where they're looking for, like the
(18:55):
everything person, but not everybody is your everything person, And
specifically in motherhood, I've found that to be true. Some
friends are going to check some boxes but not all. Right,
think about at work or in school. You might have
your work friends, but they might not be the people
that you hang out with on the weekend, and you
are still sharing parts of your life with them and
you're being your genuine self, but they're not necessarily your best, best,
(19:19):
best everything friend. Same thing with motherhood. Oftentimes you're going
to find that you have kids the same age, and
maybe you're not people that would normally go to dinner
together or get coffee, but you have enough in common
that it works for this stage of life, and then
maybe it extends beyond this stage of life because you
bonded over something when you really needed each other. So
I think that we also need to consider that when
(19:42):
making friends, that we are going to have different types
of friends in different situations. Number two is it might
be hard to mesh those old friends of yours with
your new friends. Old friends might see you with new
friends and think, oh, you're not being genuinely you. And
maybe that's the case, but I think it's usually more
likely that when we are with different people, we showcase
(20:03):
different parts of ourself, and depending on who we're with,
we feel safe enough to show those different parts rather
than compartmentalize or hide. Different friends are going to expose
different parts of us, and that is something that's really beautiful.
Just like falling in love, right, it opens your heart
and allows for new things to pour out of you.
Different friendships are going to puncture different parts of you,
(20:24):
and different things will come out of you. So just
a little heads up on making new friends and different
things that can come up that you might want to
think a little bit more about. So here are my
friendship tips that not just pertain to motherhood, but I
think can be extracted no matter what phase of life
you're in. So here are my friendship tips that not
(20:54):
just pertain to motherhood, but I think can be extracted
no matter what phase of life you're in. Number one
I mentioned it be for but don't look for carbon
copies of your friends. You don't need somebody that dresses
the same as you, has the exact same political beliefs
as you, eats the same as you, blah blah blah
blah blah. My closest friends do not share the same
beliefs in me, or parenting philosophies, or even eat the
(21:16):
same as me, or how we feed our children. In fact,
I love having different friends with all different beliefs and
ways of doing things, because not only can I learn
from them, but they can learn from me. And our
conversations are not just us agreeing on everything. I think
a lot of people have their ways and they are
looking for people just like them. Obviously you need to
have some things in common, but really avoid looking for
(21:38):
the carbon copy of you or carbon copies of existing
friends that you have. Tip number two say hi to people.
It can feel so scary to say hi, and at
the same time, as soon as the out of your mouth,
everything feels better. If you're a mom and you see
a sign of a baby on another mom, whether they
have a stroller or a pacifier clip, say hi. You
(22:00):
can ask a question, pay a compliment, or even comment
on an item. For example, I had a Duna stroller
when Soley was a baby, so whenever I see somebody
else with a Duna stroller, I strike up conversation with them.
Even though I don't have a baby right now, there's
still somebody with a new mom. I know that they're
a new mom, and they're somebody that might also be
(22:20):
looking for friends. So it's an easy thing to talk about.
You feel pretty quickly if somebody wants to go deeper
with you, and if it ends up just being a
surface conversation, then it still feels nice to talk to
other people, especially in early motherhood days. Compliments compliments go
so far. Don't be afraid if you like, if you
see something on somebody to compliment them or ask them
where they got it. I like your outfit, your shoes,
(22:42):
whatever it is, even a hairstyle. These things really create
access points and show another woman that you're cool, like
you are not a mean girl. I think a lot
of girls are afraid that women are going to be mean,
so they shell up. When you open yourself up and
compliment somebody else. It is kind of a badge of like, hey,
I'm not a mean girl, I'm here to be nice,
(23:04):
I'm unarmed, and you get to tell very quickly from
the recipient's answer what type of person they are too.
Tip Number four Go places. It can be so easy
to stay home, but when you go to parks or
classes or coffee shops, these are all opportunities to meet
other moms momming, especially on the weekends, especially for the
(23:25):
working moms that might not be with their kids during
the week. Weekends, these places are filled with moms who
are pretty probably eager to make new friends. Also, adult
fitness classes or adult classes in general, fitness, I feel
like is kind of one that most a lot of
people schedule into their day. But the cool thing about
adult fitness classes, yoga classes, anything adult class is that
(23:47):
you have a moment where their kid isn't there with them,
and so you can talk a little bit more without
like somebody pulling at your leg or an interruption. I
don't know what number we're on, but the next one
is to share something vulnerable about yourself, taking it to
the next level. Not something too vulnerable, not something too weird,
(24:07):
but something that just shows your humanness. When I was POSTPARTU,
I remember many people coming up to me and saying, Wow,
I had such a hard time in those early weeks.
I felt so alone, and if somebody said something like
that to me, it was immediately like, oh my god,
I'm dying, help me, versus somebody that didn't say anything
like that. And so when you share something just a
(24:27):
touch of vulnerable about yourself, or like when that girl
about who I met at the fair said to me,
I've had such a hard time making friends, it really
takes the friendship to the next level and shows the
type of person that you are and that they are too.
Going to evening events in your town or community or whatever,
whether it's an evening yoga class or a pottery event
(24:49):
or class, whatever it is, there are oftentimes like specific events.
And I mention this because I recently hosted a summer
Solstice event and it was there that I collected three
new friends that have totally changed my life and also
created this version of me that you're hearing today. And
so events are just such again like childless places where
you get to really connect with people in your community
(25:10):
in different ways, meet new people, ask for their number.
It is so scary to say, what is your phone number?
I'd love to chat. Ask for their number, hit them
up right away, make a plan a gesture of kindness.
When I meet somebody and I want to be their friend,
I often follow up with a gesture of kindness afterwards,
whether if they live close, maybe dropping a coffee at
(25:31):
their house, or maybe sending a link about a product
you were talking about, or even better, if you were
talking about something in parenting and there was a struggle
or something else anything. It can be an article that
you recently found related to that. Having that follow up
gesture that said I was thinking of you beyond the
moment that we met, I think is really really helpful
(25:53):
and also shows that you're cool and a thoughtful person.
If you are, in fact a thoughtful person, know that
not everyone is for you. It takes a while to
figure out where we fit into the picture, especially in
motherhood and in adulthood. It takes a while to go
through your own self motions. But I truly do believe
that your people will find you. Like I just mentioned.
(26:16):
A month ago, I hosted a Summer Solstice yoga class
and I collected three new awesome best friends. What's amazing
is that I walked into that event with pretty salty energy,
and I came out with the sweetest energy possible. I
walked in feeling constricted, recoiled, just like not even my
best self, And the second I started talking to people,
it felt like the world opened up to me. Where
(26:38):
I previously felt like the world is so small and
nobody liked me. It felt like I stepped into a
new universe where I was like, oh, yeah, this is
what people are like that I click with, and this
is how I feel when I'm around people that I
click with. And I'm so glad that I hosted that
event and was there, or I would probably still be
sitting in that sticky, salty place that I was circling
with these feelings of I'm an alien. I don't be long.
(27:01):
Having a couple people that just wake you up is
so important and it can happen anywhere and at any moment.
I know that I need a tribe, and looking back
at these trials and tribulations, I feel passionate that we
are all going to find our people. This stuff is
hard and complicated, requires vulnerability, inner self, work around rejection,
(27:22):
and even though I shared my past story of feeling rejected,
that doesn't mean that I actually was rejected. It means
that I put myself out there, and because it wasn't
an overt acceptance, it felt like a rejection. But that
doesn't mean that that's what actually happened.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Feelings of rejection really warp reality. So working on me
allows me to work through that more quickly, see things
more clearly, and shift into the true me, creating space
in my mind, in my body, in the moment. On
the other hand, nervous energy repels people. You know, when
someone is trying really hard and it just doesn't work,
(27:58):
even if they're being nice. People want somebody who's cool, calm, collected,
and confident. And I believe that that is all of
our birthright, So even if you don't self identify as cool,
calm and collected, I believe that underneath it all, that's
who we are and what we have. If we can
get back there for just a minute, it really changes
what we emit and put out into the world, and
(28:20):
therefore what we attract. So I think that my overarching
theme here is that you got to work on yourself first.
You need to get so clear on who you are,
and how you're going to handle feelings of perceived rejection,
and how you're going to soothe yourself in those heated moments,
and how you're not going to let fear creep in
that fear only elevates a state of nervousness, which lowers
(28:41):
your frequency and pulls us away from the collective that
we ultimately want to be part of. I hope that
this resonates. I hope that it helps. I hope that
it just gives you something to chew on and think about.
And please remember that if you find yourself in a
group where there's a lot of gossip, or have friends
that just aren't making you feel good, you're in a
low vibe relationship and it's time to see yourself out.
I promise you there are friends that you can be
(29:03):
obsessed with and will be obsessed with you back, that
will change and revitalize your life. In yoga, the whole
purpose is to find a free breath, and with friendships,
we want that same thing. It's a sign of a
settled nervous system and it's a sign of living, and
so many of us are not having free breaths. Female
friendships in adulthood are potent medicine to achieving that. Whether
(29:25):
you do yoga or not, that is the sign. It
was really only once I started to not compartmentalize myself,
not be afraid to show up fully, not hide, not
tiptoe that my frequency changed. It takes time. It's okay
to go through seasons where it's not working out and
you gotta be patient. But just trust this process and
(29:46):
know that you are worthy and will attract amazing friendships.
I'll see you back here soon
No beay, even when times Geithard and you feel you're
in the c see just how beautiful life can be.
When you saften your heart, you can finally start to
(00:27):
live your tu seious life.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the Truth is Life. It's
your host, Lisa Haim, and today's episode is a good one.
It's all about making friends in adulthood, specifically motherhood, and
I'm going to be sharing my own surprise recent struggles,
what worked for me, actionable tips, and some things I
think people really don't talk about when it comes to
(00:52):
making new friends. This is going to be specific to
the motherhood stage, but I think that it can be
pretty easily extracted even if you're not about. Before we
jump in, I just want to say thank you so
much for your continued support despite being inconsistent on this platform.
This past year, I went through really big shifts and changes,
big motherhood growing pains, and I just needed to take
(01:14):
a break from the push and pull of trying to
be a do it all mom and just nosedive into
motherhood and figuring out who I am. Right now, I
feel like I am emerging in so many ways. I
feel so sturdy in my motherhood journey and who I
am my voice, and I have so much clarity and confidence,
(01:35):
and I'm even starting to feel that creativity starting to
stir within, and I feel very able to give and
put out energy into the world again. I'm not saying
that I'm coming back to the truthiest life very consistently
at this time. However, it feels good to use this
platform for things that I'm going through in the moment,
more nuanced conversations. If I've just got something stern that
(01:58):
I think requires more new wants than a social media post,
I want to come back here and use it. So
that's what we're doing today. Okay, so today's topic is
making friendship in adulthood, specifically motherhood. And I have a
motto lately that I shared on social media on Instagram
that is, if you are not obsessed with your friends,
get nuance. And that sounds very flippant, but it's really not.
(02:23):
There's nuance. And I am somebody who my oldest friends,
my best friends, date back to kindergarten. I don't discard
friendships easily, but I think as we get older, we
sometimes find ourself friends with people or in groups that
no longer fit and sometimes there's that initial connection that
just kind of happens right, But over time the differences
(02:45):
become really clear, the truth reveals itself. Maybe you were
never a fit, or maybe you're just growing in different connections.
But for me, and I think a lot of women,
female friendships in adulthood are revitalizing. They can be revitalizing.
They should light you up, they should feel like being
able to breathe. And for me having female friendships maybe
(03:08):
because of the specific relationship where I'm in where my
partner does work a lot, like, female friendships are everything
to me. They are the ground that catch me and
I need my friends, I need my chab. This year
kind of took me by huge surprise because historically I
have no problems making friends. That's kind of like the
Hallmark thing about me. I make friends wherever I go, Metemaia,
(03:29):
my best friends, operation manager, in jury duty. I've had
no problem making friends, the nutrition programs, yoga trainings, wherever
I go, I collect a bestie. And yet I have
really struggled this past year to fit in And this
is like a new concept for me. But the other day,
this is kind of what actually made me think about
(03:50):
doing this. This podcast is because I had this revelation
about my own struggles and specifically the struggle to make
new friends since becoming a mom. So short version here
is in the last year or so. This is when
the struggles began. Once I had solely and it was
time to step out into the world and make friends
through being a mom. And I think that suburbia is
(04:12):
much harder than a city, where in the city it
feels like there's a lot more opportunities for mingling, whereas
in suburbia everybody has their own separate lives and within
their homes, so much is going on you don't have
to get out as much. But I found myself living
in suburbia feeling like everybody already had multiple kids, like
a full house, already had their established friendships from their
(04:33):
older kids, and I just felt like an outsider. And
as I reflected a little bit more, I realized that
although I'm saying I've never had problems making friends, there
have been instances where I have been similar to I
think how I've been acting this past year, which is
recoiling in reverting and not being like the me that
(04:56):
easily makes friends. And these situations have been boy Camp sororities,
and now motherhood. And the difference I think is that
these are places where there is already like an established
group or norm or friendships, and all of these situations
like for whatever reason, camp like people came as groups, sororities,
(05:17):
clicks form very quickly, and motherhood too feels like this
place where there's existing dynamics, at least specifically where I
have been looking for friendships. When I enter these situations,
I turn into a weird, energetic place where even if,
like my heart wants to attract people, I feel like
(05:38):
I'm repelling them a bit because something happens where I'm
not the most authentic version of me. I read a room,
I read energy, and when I feel that there's like
an existing norm in place, I'm not a disruptor. I'm
trying to figure out where I fit in, and in
trying to figure that out, I kind of hide parts
(05:59):
of my self health, compartmentalize a bit, and as a result,
I don't really show the real me, and that I
think doesn't make me comfortable with me and doesn't necessarily
attract the people that I want to attract. One thing
about me is that I also don't chase people. So
if somebody doesn't immediately want to be my friend, or
(06:20):
I feel a cold shoulder, like you're not going to
get me trying really hard. As I reflect a little
bit further upon that, I realize that that is a
fear of rejection coping mechanism more than it's like a
strong woman thing like I don't need you. And I'm
not saying that that's the best thing to do at all,
but I'm recognizing that for me, that's how I handle rejection.
(06:42):
And it's really good, I think for all of us
to think about how we handle rejection or fear of
rejection and how it gets in the way. And this
can bleed into all areas of life, even applying for
a job. Right If we're afraid to apply for a
job because we're afraid of getting rejected, think about how
that interrupts our I mean, I know that people don't
apply to my mutreats because they're afraid of getting rejected.
(07:04):
And so we have these ways of protecting ourselves that
might not actually be super protective. And once we reveal
why we do these things, at least in my case,
I can show myself so much more compassion possibly work
to change that coping mechanism if I feel it's not
really serving me. So yes, I am like the Queen
of making friends in surprising places with people who are
(07:27):
different than me. But put me in a situation where
there are existing groups and dynamics and I totally shell up, revert, recoil,
turn into little Lisa. Honestly, and in motherhood this past
year this has been the case, maybe for a good reason.
I feel like a pattern of human behavior is to
(07:48):
not allow new people to come into a group, right Like,
think about wherever an existing group exists, they often show
resistance to the new cover. Whether that's at work and
there's a new hire, or in grade school when a
new kid moves to town, or any sort of situation,
a new person seems to threaten a group, and the
initial response is usually for the existing group to discredit
(08:09):
the newcomer. With time, this fades. It always does. You've
got this strong initial group, and then with time, as
you get access to a person having small conversations, things shift,
like a country kind of falls apart and turns into
little different colonies. And I think I really feel that
initial group mentality and don't know how to handle it
(08:32):
when I walk into a situation. So yes, when I
am a said newcomer, I lose myself a bit and
I'm not particularly loud or disruptive, and I go in
more cautiously, and this really transforms into an energetic version
of me that is not me at all. It's like
little little me, fear of rejection me, and therefore I
(08:53):
don't easily attract friends. So this was a huge realization
for me because I was able to see really clearly
what happens and why I've been feeling like such an alien.
And with this information, I think I'm better, able to
change things, better, able to control my energy and maybe
not do what I always do, and most importantly, probably
(09:15):
like the first step, be there for the little Lisa
who is dealing with feelings of fears of rejection or
possible past rejection in the past. And that's what it
all kind of boils down to working on ourselves, working
on ourselves, and working on ourselves. The more we get
to know ourselves, the more we are there for ourselves
and be there for those little fragile versions of ourselves
(09:36):
because that's who needs the healing, right and through any
sort of rejection, we have an established way of dealing
with things. So we have those established neural pathways. But
when we use mindfulness, self awareness, self compassion, when we
observe when we witness that emotional trap, then we have
an opportunity to hold and soothe ourselves work through that
(09:58):
emotional surge, rather than put our hand up and say okay,
I don't need them either, and come out on the
other side. From there, we can shift into a new behavior,
a new energetic field. And that's how we create a
new neural pathway as long as we strengthen it and
use it again. This is all the practice of being
with ourselves in uncomfortable moments, and every time we do
(10:19):
this we strengthen that muscle of being able to sit, sift,
and be really thoughtfully intentional with what we do next.
We have the ability to change our brains to change
our frequency, but it requires sitting with the yuck. It
really does. So I like to think about like the
fabric of my insides when I'm like coiled up. When
(10:41):
I'm coiled up, We've got this like bumpy fabric, wrinkly
when I'm expansive, when I'm at ease, when I'm breathing freely,
the fabric within my body is like smooth covering, no bumps.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but
I'm starting to think and maybe I need to manifest
a little bit a co host because sometimes things sound
good in my head and as I say them, I'm
(11:02):
not sure if it needs more elaboration. So I'm going
to put it out there. I would love a co
host for The Truthiest Life or a secondary podcast. Maybe
a new best friend I don't even know exists out there,
putting it out there, not afraid to say the things
that I want. And I'm also not hunting for someone,
but I think that having a co host would make,
first of all, this a lot more fun and would
(11:24):
help all of us make these concepts a lot less abstract.
So for me, this problem of feeling like I really
don't belong started when Solely started going to school. For me,
(11:48):
this problem of feeling like I really don't be long
started when Solely started going to school. We chose this
school for a variety of reasons. It's not like my
dream school in terms of teaching, philosop fee or anything,
but logistically it just made a lot of sense. And
she had a fabulous year with incredible teachers who really
(12:10):
made such an important impact on her life. But for me,
I was really struggling to mesh with this existing community
lots of established friendships, not a lot of first time moms,
and I just didn't do my usual driving of like
making a best friend. And I think like showing up
to this school twice a day, picking up, dropping off,
(12:31):
and being faced with this feeling of I'm an alien,
I'm an outsider, I don't fit in really started to
like frame and take over my thoughts and my feelings,
even if it wasn't the reality, Like I have friends
in so many different areas of life, but I think
twice a day being faced with this feeling of ooh,
I don't fit in really started to contaminate my energy,
(12:52):
further fester, and create a little bit of a story.
One thing about me is that I am not looking
for like carbon cops copies of me in friendships. My
best friends are all different from me in beliefs, in values,
in the way that they think about things, in everything.
Of course, I do have a few friends where we
are very aligned, and those friendships are wonderful, But I
(13:14):
just want to clarify that when I am looking for
a friend. I'm not looking for people that are exactly
the same as me. In fact, I really love the
differences in the people who are my best friends because
that's how I learn, that's what keeps things exciting. Our
conversations don't go in circles, and yeah, I think it's
just something to mention. So when I came to this
school and I didn't find moms who align with me
(13:36):
in all the different things parenting, I wasn't writing anybody off,
but I still wasn't driving with anybody enough to I
don't know, just feel like, okay, I could get on here.
We have decided to stay in the school because, like
I said, Sooley had a wonderful year. She made really
good friends, the teachers are incredible, And through this I've
(13:58):
had to have a lot of moments to really check
myself and make sure that I wasn't making choices that
are good for me but not best for my daughter.
And I think that this is like the hardest part
of parenting that nobody talks about. Is a lot of
the things that we do touch past pain points of ourselves,
and when it rubs that past wound, do we react
(14:20):
or are we able to sit with that past pain,
revisit it you don't even know it was there, and
then make sure that the choices aren't a projection of
your own neglected or undealt with problems. So for me,
there was so much going on this year of sitting
with the discomfort that I felt and really making sure
that my choices were best for solely. So yeah, this
(14:41):
past year I think I really lost myself because although
I do have existing friends outside, I felt like there
were constant reminders of feeling like an outsider, and this
just really framed and affected my energy and my thoughts
and my feelings about myself. Honestly, at the same time,
this past year was not a focus for me on
(15:02):
making new friends. I didn't like think, oh, Solly's going
to school, I'm going to make all these new friends.
This past year, coming off of two intense hospitalizations, it
was really just about taking really good care of myself.
If anything, it was putting some walls up and I
was really just a wreck and deplete and nervous all
the time and really just burnt out in all of
(15:25):
the ways. But the past few weeks I have felt
such a shift where I feel really different. I don't
feel deplete or nervous. I just feel like I'm coming
back into myself. And what I've noticed, which is really
cool and what really really inspired me to do this episode,
is that as I have changed, so has the energy
(15:46):
of the people that I'm attracting around me. And it's
awesome because I always know that when things start to
change around me in the world, like different people talking
to me or people coming up to me for different reasons,
it is always reflection of my inner state. I remember
when I first started doing yoga. I felt this almost
immediately because I would walk out of a yoga class
(16:07):
and my energy was just completely shifted. I didn't have
even maybe language to even say energy shifted or frequency elevated,
but like something in me was different and the world
reflected back to me differently. It was like changing who
that I was and having the proof in the interactions
that I was having. And that kind of feels like
what's going on right now? And I think when it
(16:29):
comes to friendship, we oftentimes think about like, oh, what
did I say, how do I be nice? Blah blah blah,
And sometimes it's really not about the words, but it's
about our energetic body, and this last year I didn't
have the capacity to make friends as my truest self,
and so I didn't. So now I'm feeling different. The
world is smiling back at me. People are commenting on
(16:50):
my outfits, which aren't anything special. My hair in something special,
and it's just fascinating because it's again that proof of
like when you are living a different frequency, the world
mirrors that back to you. Recent example of something cool
that happened and how I met a friend. There was
a fair in my town, and my town is actually
(17:11):
pretty big, but you feel like you know everybody. So
I was not going to this expecting to meet people.
It was just me solely and Evan, my husband, and
my daughter, and I went on this little train ride
and behind me was this family of three and I've
never seen this family before, and the girl just looked cool.
So I started to talk to her a little bit,
like asking her daughter's name and her name, and I
(17:32):
just liked her. She was refreshing, and something was just different.
And I don't usually get nervous to like make the
next step, but I think like coming off of this
year of just feeling like an alien, I lost myself
a little bit, and I didn't get her number, and
I start to walk away, and I'm thinking to myself, okay, Li,
so like just go get her number. And I start
looking around and I cannot find her at this huge
(17:53):
fair and I say, Okay, you know what, I'll meet
her again somewhere in town if God wants it to be,
God wants it to be. Maybe three minutes later, she
runs up to me and says, I'm sorry. I know
that this is really weird. My husband thinks I'm a freak,
but you just seem really nice. I've had such a
hard time meeting friends. I would love to get your number.
You seem really nice. And I was like, oh my god,
me too.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Ah.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
And it was this incredible moment because it's such a
great example of how we truly do attract our people.
And so many parts of that interaction speak to the
tips that I'm going to give a little bit later on,
but as a little heads up, it's don't be afraid
to take the next step, and don't be afraid to
be a little bit vulnerable. Her saying like I've had
trouble making new friends to me was just like it
(18:34):
felt like a hug and immediately I was like, you're
my people. That's it. We're going to hang out really soon.
So getting to the tips here, Before we get into
the specific tips, I just want to call out two
things and then we'll get into those tips. So the
first one is that not all friends are going to
check every box. I think similar to like dating, people
can be really picky where they're looking for, like the
(18:55):
everything person, but not everybody is your everything person, And
specifically in motherhood, I've found that to be true. Some
friends are going to check some boxes but not all. Right,
think about at work or in school. You might have
your work friends, but they might not be the people
that you hang out with on the weekend, and you
are still sharing parts of your life with them and
you're being your genuine self, but they're not necessarily your best, best,
(19:19):
best everything friend. Same thing with motherhood. Oftentimes you're going
to find that you have kids the same age, and
maybe you're not people that would normally go to dinner
together or get coffee, but you have enough in common
that it works for this stage of life, and then
maybe it extends beyond this stage of life because you
bonded over something when you really needed each other. So
I think that we also need to consider that when
(19:42):
making friends, that we are going to have different types
of friends in different situations. Number two is it might
be hard to mesh those old friends of yours with
your new friends. Old friends might see you with new
friends and think, oh, you're not being genuinely you. And
maybe that's the case, but I think it's usually more
likely that when we are with different people, we showcase
(20:03):
different parts of ourself, and depending on who we're with,
we feel safe enough to show those different parts rather
than compartmentalize or hide. Different friends are going to expose
different parts of us, and that is something that's really beautiful.
Just like falling in love, right, it opens your heart
and allows for new things to pour out of you.
Different friendships are going to puncture different parts of you,
(20:24):
and different things will come out of you. So just
a little heads up on making new friends and different
things that can come up that you might want to
think a little bit more about. So here are my
friendship tips that not just pertain to motherhood, but I
think can be extracted no matter what phase of life
you're in. So here are my friendship tips that not
(20:54):
just pertain to motherhood, but I think can be extracted
no matter what phase of life you're in. Number one
I mentioned it be for but don't look for carbon
copies of your friends. You don't need somebody that dresses
the same as you, has the exact same political beliefs
as you, eats the same as you, blah blah blah
blah blah. My closest friends do not share the same
beliefs in me, or parenting philosophies, or even eat the
(21:16):
same as me, or how we feed our children. In fact,
I love having different friends with all different beliefs and
ways of doing things, because not only can I learn
from them, but they can learn from me. And our
conversations are not just us agreeing on everything. I think
a lot of people have their ways and they are
looking for people just like them. Obviously you need to
have some things in common, but really avoid looking for
(21:38):
the carbon copy of you or carbon copies of existing
friends that you have. Tip number two say hi to people.
It can feel so scary to say hi, and at
the same time, as soon as the out of your mouth,
everything feels better. If you're a mom and you see
a sign of a baby on another mom, whether they
have a stroller or a pacifier clip, say hi. You
(22:00):
can ask a question, pay a compliment, or even comment
on an item. For example, I had a Duna stroller
when Soley was a baby, so whenever I see somebody
else with a Duna stroller, I strike up conversation with them.
Even though I don't have a baby right now, there's
still somebody with a new mom. I know that they're
a new mom, and they're somebody that might also be
(22:20):
looking for friends. So it's an easy thing to talk about.
You feel pretty quickly if somebody wants to go deeper
with you, and if it ends up just being a
surface conversation, then it still feels nice to talk to
other people, especially in early motherhood days. Compliments compliments go
so far. Don't be afraid if you like, if you
see something on somebody to compliment them or ask them
where they got it. I like your outfit, your shoes,
(22:42):
whatever it is, even a hairstyle. These things really create
access points and show another woman that you're cool, like
you are not a mean girl. I think a lot
of girls are afraid that women are going to be mean,
so they shell up. When you open yourself up and
compliment somebody else. It is kind of a badge of like, hey,
I'm not a mean girl, I'm here to be nice,
(23:04):
I'm unarmed, and you get to tell very quickly from
the recipient's answer what type of person they are too.
Tip Number four Go places. It can be so easy
to stay home, but when you go to parks or
classes or coffee shops, these are all opportunities to meet
other moms momming, especially on the weekends, especially for the
(23:25):
working moms that might not be with their kids during
the week. Weekends, these places are filled with moms who
are pretty probably eager to make new friends. Also, adult
fitness classes or adult classes in general, fitness, I feel
like is kind of one that most a lot of
people schedule into their day. But the cool thing about
adult fitness classes, yoga classes, anything adult class is that
(23:47):
you have a moment where their kid isn't there with them,
and so you can talk a little bit more without
like somebody pulling at your leg or an interruption. I
don't know what number we're on, but the next one
is to share something vulnerable about yourself, taking it to
the next level. Not something too vulnerable, not something too weird,
(24:07):
but something that just shows your humanness. When I was POSTPARTU,
I remember many people coming up to me and saying, Wow,
I had such a hard time in those early weeks.
I felt so alone, and if somebody said something like
that to me, it was immediately like, oh my god,
I'm dying, help me, versus somebody that didn't say anything
like that. And so when you share something just a
(24:27):
touch of vulnerable about yourself, or like when that girl
about who I met at the fair said to me,
I've had such a hard time making friends, it really
takes the friendship to the next level and shows the
type of person that you are and that they are too.
Going to evening events in your town or community or whatever,
whether it's an evening yoga class or a pottery event
(24:49):
or class, whatever it is, there are oftentimes like specific events.
And I mention this because I recently hosted a summer
Solstice event and it was there that I collected three
new friends that have totally changed my life and also
created this version of me that you're hearing today. And
so events are just such again like childless places where
you get to really connect with people in your community
(25:10):
in different ways, meet new people, ask for their number.
It is so scary to say, what is your phone number?
I'd love to chat. Ask for their number, hit them
up right away, make a plan a gesture of kindness.
When I meet somebody and I want to be their friend,
I often follow up with a gesture of kindness afterwards,
whether if they live close, maybe dropping a coffee at
(25:31):
their house, or maybe sending a link about a product
you were talking about, or even better, if you were
talking about something in parenting and there was a struggle
or something else anything. It can be an article that
you recently found related to that. Having that follow up
gesture that said I was thinking of you beyond the
moment that we met, I think is really really helpful
(25:53):
and also shows that you're cool and a thoughtful person.
If you are, in fact a thoughtful person, know that
not everyone is for you. It takes a while to
figure out where we fit into the picture, especially in
motherhood and in adulthood. It takes a while to go
through your own self motions. But I truly do believe
that your people will find you. Like I just mentioned.
(26:16):
A month ago, I hosted a Summer Solstice yoga class
and I collected three new awesome best friends. What's amazing
is that I walked into that event with pretty salty energy,
and I came out with the sweetest energy possible. I
walked in feeling constricted, recoiled, just like not even my
best self, And the second I started talking to people,
it felt like the world opened up to me. Where
(26:38):
I previously felt like the world is so small and
nobody liked me. It felt like I stepped into a
new universe where I was like, oh, yeah, this is
what people are like that I click with, and this
is how I feel when I'm around people that I
click with. And I'm so glad that I hosted that
event and was there, or I would probably still be
sitting in that sticky, salty place that I was circling
with these feelings of I'm an alien. I don't be long.
(27:01):
Having a couple people that just wake you up is
so important and it can happen anywhere and at any moment.
I know that I need a tribe, and looking back
at these trials and tribulations, I feel passionate that we
are all going to find our people. This stuff is
hard and complicated, requires vulnerability, inner self, work around rejection,
(27:22):
and even though I shared my past story of feeling rejected,
that doesn't mean that I actually was rejected. It means
that I put myself out there, and because it wasn't
an overt acceptance, it felt like a rejection. But that
doesn't mean that that's what actually happened.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Feelings of rejection really warp reality. So working on me
allows me to work through that more quickly, see things
more clearly, and shift into the true me, creating space
in my mind, in my body, in the moment. On
the other hand, nervous energy repels people. You know, when
someone is trying really hard and it just doesn't work,
(27:58):
even if they're being nice. People want somebody who's cool, calm, collected,
and confident. And I believe that that is all of
our birthright, So even if you don't self identify as cool,
calm and collected, I believe that underneath it all, that's
who we are and what we have. If we can
get back there for just a minute, it really changes
what we emit and put out into the world, and
(28:20):
therefore what we attract. So I think that my overarching
theme here is that you got to work on yourself first.
You need to get so clear on who you are,
and how you're going to handle feelings of perceived rejection,
and how you're going to soothe yourself in those heated moments,
and how you're not going to let fear creep in
that fear only elevates a state of nervousness, which lowers
(28:41):
your frequency and pulls us away from the collective that
we ultimately want to be part of. I hope that
this resonates. I hope that it helps. I hope that
it just gives you something to chew on and think about.
And please remember that if you find yourself in a
group where there's a lot of gossip, or have friends
that just aren't making you feel good, you're in a
low vibe relationship and it's time to see yourself out.
I promise you there are friends that you can be
(29:03):
obsessed with and will be obsessed with you back, that
will change and revitalize your life. In yoga, the whole
purpose is to find a free breath, and with friendships,
we want that same thing. It's a sign of a
settled nervous system and it's a sign of living, and
so many of us are not having free breaths. Female
friendships in adulthood are potent medicine to achieving that. Whether
(29:25):
you do yoga or not, that is the sign. It
was really only once I started to not compartmentalize myself,
not be afraid to show up fully, not hide, not
tiptoe that my frequency changed. It takes time. It's okay
to go through seasons where it's not working out and
you gotta be patient. But just trust this process and
(29:46):
know that you are worthy and will attract amazing friendships.
I'll see you back here soon
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