March 15, 2024 • 51 mins
At around 2 years old, I realized my daughter was no longer a baby. Melt downs without reason, less naps for “me time”, and a tiny brain that was sucking in all of its surroundings – I felt lost and exhausted and overwhelmed by the fact that I now had a very impressionable tiny human.
Fortunately this was the summer I took off all work and used this time to explore, read, learn, and listen to all sorts of philosophies.
Turns out, all I was missing was TOOLS and a philosophy that suits me. I now find toddler-parenting (exhausting at times of course!!), but also so joyful, cool, empowering - and dare I say healing.
In this episode I share 14 changes I’ve made that have really helped the entire house be happier and emotionally healthier.
I hope you enjoy :)
Follow Janet Lansbury:
Website: janetlansbury.com
Podcast: Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled
Book: A Guide to Respectful Parenting
Mind Body Mentorship (March 2024)
Instagram:
The Truthiest Life on Instagram @thetruthiestlife
Host @lisahayim
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Edited by Houston Tilley
Intro Jingle by Alyssa Chase aka @findyoursails
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
A no bey even when times geitheard and.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
You feel you're in the.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
C See just how beautiful life can be when you
saften your heart, you can finally start to live your
tu seious life.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Hello everybody, welcome back to the Truthiest Life. It's your
host Lisa Haim and a little intro before we get
into this week's episode where I'm sharing my top tips
of what helped me take parenting in toddlerhood from complete
chaos and overwhelm to calm and.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Perhaps even joy.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Before I do, I just want to let you know
that this past week we kicked off Mind Body Mentorship.
It's my new program just for the month of March
where we meet live twice a week as a group
and we practice mindfulness, go over mindfulness concepts, meditate, journal together,
and then we also have the somatic component on Sundays
that includes yoga, movement, breath work, but in a way
(01:12):
that is pairing it all together. The purpose of this
program is to create a safe space for spiritual growth
and learning nervous system regulation that's absolutely key and for
embodied wisdom to arise. It pairs a top down approach
mindfulness and meditation with a bottom up approach, think movement
and breathwork to release the blockages, rewire the nervous system,
(01:34):
and reconnect to your true self. It's done in a
group setting, which expedites the process, makes it fun, and
really creates a nourishing environment where we can actually drop
in deeper and deeper and create a connection that lasts.
I shared all about this program in my last episode,
but this week it kicked off, and oh my gosh,
did it blow my mind in the sense that I
(01:57):
felt proud of me for the first time in a
long time. I know that the second I signed on
to the first session and I saw all the faces
and the chat started going and people started sharing, it
felt like I really listened to my gut, my intuition.
I didn't let things get in my way when creating this.
I didn't worry about how many people would sign up,
how much money I would make, too much going into
(02:19):
even the marketing that went into it. I did that
all myself, all the branding, and it just like came
together really beautifully, And I think it's a testament to
what the program actually is. When we're in mind body connection,
when we're connected to our source, that creative, powerful, forward
moving version of ourself.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
Things flow.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
When we are not, things don't flow, and it went
so beautifully. I've heard from so many incredible people that
this is like exactly what they needed, and I think
it's what a lot of us need. So just because
it kicked off does not mean that you've missed the boat.
You can still sign up. I'll put the link below,
and you can join all our future sessions, which include
(03:00):
every Sunday and Tuesday for the rest of March. You
also have the option to do the drop in where
you just kind of test it out. If you know
you don't want to do a Tuesday and you can
only make it to one Sunday, go ahead and do
the drop in option. For the most part, the membership
is probably going to be the most financially smart move
because if you attend two sessions, it ends up being
(03:20):
less money for the entire membership. So if it's speaking
to you, I just want to make sure that you
know you didn't miss the boat. We want to and
this is March only. It will definitely not be offered
in April, probably not May. April is Camp Metreat Oh
my gosh, a month away, A lot of exciting things
are coming through me, and it feels really good to
be in my spiritual and serving seat. I'm really anchoring
(03:45):
into that, not just because it's what I want to do,
but because it's how I feel my best. And I
also happen to be a girl that loves Love is
Blind And a new season came out and I'm dying
to watch it, but I know that if I head
in that direction, not that there's anything wrong with that,
but that show sucks me in so dirty that I
can't afford to watch it right now. So I'm putting
(04:06):
that on hold until maybe after the metreat when I
just need my brain to just kind of like out
give it a rest. But right now, I'm in the
driving seat, and I want to really contain that connection
and dive a little bit deeper because it feels so
good to be serving in a way that is completely
aligned with me. If this program is offered again, there
will probably be an evolution of it, but that's what
(04:28):
we've got right now, so I'll put that link below.
Moving into this week's episode, I had this worry after
I recorded it that I came from this like holier
than now place where like I've got it all figured
out and this is what you should do, and I
listen back and I don't think that's how I come across,
but I'm going to put an extra disclaimer here that
this is what's working for us. It felt so empowering
(04:50):
to shift the way I see babies, toddlers, and the
whole philosophy around raising them. I'm somebody that felt com
completely disempowered when I had a baby, like though I
still had my intuition, I was so nervous that I
had no idea what to do as a toddler mom.
I feel so much more empowered, trusting of my intuition
(05:12):
and grateful that these like pathways have opened up that
have showed me that there's more than one way to
do things. I think with babyhood, I didn't feel that way.
With toddlerhood, I do, and I just want to put
that extra asterisk.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
That I know I have it all figured out.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
I absolutely lose my cool sometimes I get extra stressed, out, overwhelmed, exhausted.
I don't know if any of that came through in
the episode, so I just want to make sure that
that's here too. I'm also going to make sure to
put the two resources that I mentioned a bunch of
times in the show Notes, which is Janet Lansbury, her podcast,
her website. She has courses that you can find within
(05:49):
that and the book Hunt Gather Parent. There are tons
of other resources out there, but I feel like the
two of these found me at the right time and
really expanded my my brain and my capabilities to be patient,
feel empowered, and really do things differently. I said this
in the episode, but I want to say it one
more time. When you make change in your life and
(06:12):
it starts to be not just like cognitive change, but
like DNA changes, like you believe what you're doing so much.
There's also the backside of this coin that is not
often talked about, which is you will be really frustrated
in other settings when you don't see this model being
done to other children or your own child. More importantly,
(06:34):
I do not believe that there's one right way to
do anything, but when it comes to these philosophies, which
I believe are largely rooted in respectful parenting, it can
be really hard when it's your own child and there
are grandparents or another parent involved, or other caregivers that
aren't speaking to your child the same way. And not
to say they're doing anything wrong, but there are these
(06:55):
little things that you don't realize that are not aligned
with who you are. So any change comes with a
shift from the other side, and you have to become
a really good communicator to get people on board, to
manage your own emotions, and again just highlighting the complexities
of being a mother, being a parent, evolving, sticking to
(07:15):
your wisdom, sticking to your truth, and learning how to
do so.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
While you're exhausted.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Okay, that's this intro a little bit long, but I'm
gonna put everything I just talked about in the show
notes below. And I hope this episode where I shared
almost fourteen changes that I've made, really helps you feel empowered,
gives you tools to call on, because that I think
is the most important thing when it comes to toddler
motherhood in my limited experience. Thanks for listening, everybody, and
(07:43):
I'll see you soon. Hello everybody, and welcome back to
the Truthiest Life.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
It to host Lisahim.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
And I know I said I'd be irregularly popping back in,
and this is one of these moments that I want
to irregularly pop in. This is such a wonderful platform
to provide information and make it accessible to all and
communicate it in a way that is very natural for me.
And admittedly I've gotten caught up in sharing on here
(08:15):
because as a non perfectionist, something I'm very proud of,
I've always brought a little bit of perfectionist nature to
this podcast. I don't know why. It has always felt
really important when using my actual voice, voice from my body,
to deliver information in a way that is said really,
(08:36):
really well. And obviously that's important with all forms of communication,
but it can also come to a point where it
becomes an obstacle because there's no way to say things
absolutely perfect all the time. For whatever reason, when I
communicate on Instagram and social media, it has always flowed
through me the way I would kind of like write
(08:57):
in a journal and fearlessly hit. And I wouldn't even
call it fearlessly because it didn't feel fearlessly. It just
felt such an extension of me and it was so
natural and as easy it is it is for me
to speak and use my voice. When you sit down
with the microphone, things kind of change. And I'm three
years in, Yes I'm more comfortable, but I still get
(09:21):
stuck on the same obstacles and having gone back to
social media for about four weeks now I'm back. But
today specifically is like a recalibration day for me, where
I'm asking myself questions, which way do I want to
go instead of just cruising in the direction that I am.
(09:41):
Yesterday was probably the most powerful full moon I've ever seen.
I don't know if any of you noticed. Yesterday was
February twenty fifth, and it took me to the point
where I was googling about this full moon and everything
about this specific moon said like, now is the time
to be introspective and go inward and see what you
(10:04):
really need. And I kind of felt annoyed by that
because I have been reflecting for months and months and
now it's like, oh, now is the time to reflect.
Where it's like I am really tired of reflecting. A
part of me wants to be back in motion, and
reflecting is the stopping point and often where we pivot.
(10:25):
But better me, bigger me, higher me knows that if
we don't listen to those polls, that we have to
go inward, and we want to just keep going because
we're afraid of what we'll find. We will find ourselves
in a worse place down the line. So I just
got back from seven days of vacation, so grateful for
that time with my family. Seven days is a lot
(10:46):
of time to be away for me, and it's a
lot of time for me to be disconnected from my practices,
especially the ones that have been so life changing in
the last six to eight months, that have really helped
me rEFInd my hole, my center, live a much less
of an egoific life, less of an adrenalated life. All
(11:07):
of that when it comes to these practices yoga, pranayama, meditation, journaling,
I am of the mindset of it doesn't need to
be perfect, we just have to return back to it
because perfection is what personally trips me up, and it
kind of previously historically has thrown me into like throw
in the towel mode where it's like, Okay, well I
(11:27):
don't do this practices anymore, and then I don't return
to them because my streak is over. I used to
talk about that a lot with healthy eating and diet mentality.
It's like, Okay, you were eating really healthy and then
you had the X that you no longer think is healthy,
so you know you say I blew it and continue
down the trajectory of I blew it instead of just like,
just get back to what feels good and is nourishing
for your body. A little tangential there, but I think
(11:49):
the same thing can happen with fitness, spirituality, and the
things that actually make us feel good. Fortunately, I've stuck
with these practices for long enough that I love them
and I want to come back to them, which made
coming back to it this morning there was an obstacle,
still like it's not part of my routine. I haven't
been back to my pranayama setup in a week and
(12:12):
a half. But once I dropped in, my body knew
what to do and it felt so nice to find
stillness and settling after what was an amazing vacation with
my family, so much love, so much good food, so
much doing, so much heart filling moments. But it was
also a lot of energy expenditure. And the second I
lied down and allowed I do pranayama first and then
(12:36):
a little bit of meditation, which if people are interested
and I would like to share more of that, I'll
get into down the line. Oh, I just feels so
good to settle back into your truth, and yet it's
so much easier to keep going with what you're doing otherwise,
even if you know that it's not your healthiest The habits,
the things that produced serotonin and oxytocin and dopamine but
(12:59):
aren't necessarily the best things for you.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I hope I'm being clear with that.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
But today I'm showing up because there's been a topic
on my mind that I am obviously not an expert
in motherhood. I am a first time mom with a
two and a half year old. But I think what
I see in myself different than a lot of people
that I know, is that I am obsessed with being
(13:26):
a toddler mom. I find it so fascinating to study
their minds and watch them and observe and tweak the
things that I do or I say, and see how
she my daughter reacts. And one of the things that
I'm really passionate about is helping mothers maybe see that
(13:51):
it can be more fun and playful and delicious.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
And yes, it is absolutely.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Exhausting on so many fronts, so many dead ends where
life feels absolutely impossible and like what do I even
do with my child? And like there's just so many
of those moments where you just want to throw up
your hands. But I think that if we fill in
the other moments with more joy, a lot of the
things that feel daunting are really good and healthy for us.
(14:23):
This summer, in particularly when I went offline, I feel
like I got really lucky with her age and the
literature and people that fell into my life that armed me,
if you will, with tools that I didn't have prior.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
To be a really.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Good mom, and by that I mean present, attuned to her,
willing to try new things, recognize my own things that
I was doing that I wasn't that weren't feeling right
to me. I make pivoting choices to try new things,
going offline, taking a break from work. All of that
felt like a beautiful time to be like, how can
I step into this role? Many of you know that
(15:04):
baby life was really challenging for me, and I look
back now and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I
had no idea, and me having no idea made me
so reliant on other people around me that I thought
were experts and sure, maybe they could help me, but
a lot of the times it wasn't in truth with
how if I have another child?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I will be with baby.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
I've just learned so much through this phase of toddler
life that applies to babyhood. So I also just want
to say, if you're listening to this at any age
of motherhood, I think that it will be really helpful
to really think about things differently. So the two most
(15:57):
I think critical people books things in my life that
kind of emerged at the same time. And I want
to first credit my friend Leah, who has three kids
under six, and we met actually by way of the Internet.
She had a burner account that she used to message
me from to the point where I thought this person
was creepy and I almost blocked them. I might have
like restricted them, which is a function. And then I
(16:19):
ended up meeting her in real life at a restaurant.
And this woman has become my best friend over the
last couple of years. Like I travel to California to
see her, we go on family vacations, and she's so
wise when it comes to motherhood and she's doing things
so differently. So she's the one that introduced me to
this woman, Janet Lansberry, who you may or may not
be familiar with. And whenever I have a question about
(16:40):
Soley I always like check it with her and she
has such an interesting response that I wouldn't have thought of.
And I think that this age, or any age in general,
like having tools to navigate hard times makes you feel
so much more empowered as a parent, and then that
allows for less burnout or less like shame. I think
a lot of us feel shameful when we can't get
(17:03):
our kid to stop crying, we can't get them to sleep,
when we can't figure out why they're hitting or why
they're not eating their food right. Like, we can cycle
a vicious cycle very quickly. That's hard to get out of.
But if you feel like you just have one tool
in your pocket, whether it's a phrase to say differently
or just anything, it goes so far in feeling empowered and.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Like you got this.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
And you do have to feel like you got this
as a mother, because you are the safe space for
your child. And that's something that's really important for me,
you know, and my own personal life. I work on
resourcing getting myself back to safety, but a child is
completely codependent emotionally, and so I need.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
To appear and be You can't just appear, you have
to be.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Solid in your confidence in self, because otherwise the child
gets that energy. So the two concepts, books, people, whatever,
that have kind of emerged for me are number one,
respectful parenting. Janet Landsbury being the charge on that for me.
Her practices come from Magda Gerber, but her podcast and
her website like you can put in any topic that
(18:07):
you're dealing with and she has written about it in
a way that is so beautiful and respectful parenting to
me is the philosophy that lands the best with me
more than like intentional or conscious and all of that
is wonderful, but respectful really distills how I believe a child,
a baby, a toddler, an adult, any person should be treated.
(18:30):
And for some reason in our culture, whether we're dealing
with babies that can't speak or elders that you know
are less cognizant for aging reasons, we stop treating them respectfully.
And it's very subtle, but once you see it or
feel it, you can't unsee it. But we talk about
them as if they're not there right. Sometimes we talk
to babies and like baby voices, we treat them differently.
(18:51):
We don't tell them things that are happening in their life.
We just do them quickly, and with elders, you could,
you know, imagine the way that we treat elders in
our societ. But focusing on the babies for a moment.
When I when I started reading about respectful parenting, I
started to have a lot of regrets about things that
I did in the baby life, and specifically, you know,
(19:13):
Solely is a child that gets very very high fevers
and medicine has been how I have to keep them
at bay because she's been hospitalized twice history of febrill seizures,
and I get very triggered by her fevers. She has
also at the same time, of course, hates medicine, so
many times I had to force medicine into her, whether
(19:34):
that was like my mouth trying to like sneak it
attack through these LIKESI pacifier things where you stick the
liquid in or suppositories. You know, it's really really challenging.
And I'm like rubbing my eyes as I say this
because I feel so stressed about it. It was one
of those cruks in parenting where I was like, I
need to take care of you, but you're not letting
me take care of you, so I have to get
it into you. And of course going back, you still
(19:55):
have to get the medicine in. But the respectful thing
is to tell them everything that's happening to them, from
I'm going to be changing your diaper to just talking
to them. I think a lot of people have babies
and they think they can't understand. So I'm not going
to talk until they could talk, or making like made
up words. But I know I talked to her a lot,
but I also kind of like expended my energy too
(20:16):
hard in the wrong places. I would just make sure
to tell her everything that was ever going to happen
to her, from going to the doctor and shots and
all of that. I think it's really important to find
your fine line of telling them without like and it's
going to be scary and it's gonna hurt, like you
don't want to do that, but you want to be
like the strong place. So just an example of what
respectful parenting means to me is really treating them as
(20:39):
you would another human being. Yeah, Janet Lands very huge,
amazing resource for that. You can find so much free materials.
At the same time, I stumbled upon a book called
Hunt Gather Parent.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I still to this.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
Day, I don't think I've made it through fifty percent
of this book, but what I took away from the
fifty percent changed my life. And again it's about having
those tools. And I I think that I found this
book and really started to shift the.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Way I parent at the exact right time.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
She was a little under two, shifting into toddlerhood and
things were getting a lot harder quote unquote, meltdowns were ensuing,
and I didn't know how to support her and help
her and how to do it. I want to put
a huge asterisk here that changing the way you see
toddlers and babies and seeing them as human beings is
(21:29):
not one hundred percent cherry pie. It actually is really
really hard because you can't unsee the way other people
do it and the way other people speak to your child,
whether that's grandparents, other caregivers in their life, and you
start to get really uncomfortable when other people are not
doing it as you want them to be because they're
not being respectful. So this has also been really challenging
(21:52):
for me in my home life, even with Evan, the
other caregiver, and my husband, because it's like I'm changing
the way I'm doing it. I'm seeing all the benefits
in the way, and then how do I communicate that
in a way to him without me telling him what
to do things I've been navigating for six months, and
I just want to put that caveat here that once
you get what I call Janet lands buried, like, it's
(22:14):
very hard to be Unjanet lands buried. And then it
also gets even harder because in my opinion, the way
children are treated in our culture, in very subtle ways,
is a little bit abusive. And I don't mean abusive
that the parents need to be jailed. Even the things
that I did, I would say are abusive in some way,
just not treating them like people. That's what I define
(22:35):
as abusive. So take that with a grain of salt.
But it's very hard to unsee once you see it.
This book Hunt Gather Parent and really immersing myself in
Janet lands Bury's podcasts, books, all of that were really
transformative to me. So I wanted to include a list
of things that I have done changed my mindset on
(23:00):
that have made parenting so much more joyful and so
much easier. I think that and this is largely informed
by Hunt Gathered Parent. We have this idea as Americans
in our culture and our society that like it's about
control and our kids have to behave and if they misbehave,
(23:21):
they're not listening to us. And then we go like
so far into the distance about like what kind of
adults they're going to be, when in reality, like children
are children. Their brains are forming, and sometimes they do
things that are not behaving. But it's not necessarily the
time or the exact moment to like be the disciplinarian.
(23:41):
It's a time to show love and educate and do
so in a way that recognizes this is their first
time here doing this that. And I think we get
carried away with the story of like what kind of
people they're going to become if we don't discipline them,
And I don't know in my limited experience, I've found
an opposite appro which to be just so much more helpful.
(24:03):
So breathe easy, everybody like a parents' moms dads like
allow for knowing that your child will grow into a
beautiful person, sorry, grow into a beautiful adult.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
They are a person. See a tripped up there.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
If we treat them like people and we don't make
it about control and authoritarian ways of controlling the situation,
you have to treat them a little bit more like equals.
So one of the things that immediately made my life
so much easier was including her and stuff. Like I said,
(24:38):
this found me at the perfect age to almost two
becomes an age where they really want to help. They
want to sweep, they want to do dishes, and obviously
they can't do them as well as we can, but
we can include them in those things more than we think.
Obviously not with knives and unsafe things, but they can definitely.
I have this little like it called the tower that
(24:59):
goes by the sink, and having her next to me
do the dishes is much easier than me putting her
in front of a screen or in front of twins
saying play alone. I think that we also oftentimes think
that they need to be occupied while we do our things.
But I found that including her in stuff, getting her
a little broom like a real one, like a little
sweeping pan, actually allowed for so many things to be easier.
(25:21):
And they're also learning that they're part of the responsibility
in the house, and I find that part to be
really interesting too. And a hunt gathered parent talked about
it a lot. Is we come up with these reward
systems of like if you help me do this, then
you get a star. But then we're not really teaching
our children to be active helpers around the house to
look for what needs to be done. We're teaching them
(25:43):
how to simply do a chore because it needs to
get done. What I want to raise is somebody who
is helpful, and they talk about this concept called accommodido
in the book which she travels to different cultures and
sees how they do things, and the idea is how
to be helpful without having to point out this is
what I need help with. And that's such a beautiful
skill to have, especially in the world where we're sucked
(26:05):
in by our phones and easily distracted and in our heads,
to raise somebody that wants to help because they see
that something needs to be done. So I highly recommend
including your children in your chores that you have to
do around the house.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Energy saving.
Speaker 4 (26:20):
I talked about this a little bit earlier, but I
feel like.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
I expended so much energy in the beginning by thinking
that I had to entertain her talk so much sportscast,
as Janet Lansbury describes it, which is like, oh, you're
building the block, so high, and this is the red
one and this is the purple one, and every second
just like speaking about what they're doing because they need
to be educated.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
We don't have to do that.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Yes, we can be their educators and assist and point
things out at certain times, but we don't need to
be an actor in this life. And the most beautiful
gift that Janet Lansbury and my friendly have given me
is to observe and notice how much you want to
jump in whether they're doing something quote unquote wrong or
(27:04):
you just want to say good job, right, like just listen,
just sit back and observe more and more. And it's
a scale that I'm constantly refining, especially the good job.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
One good job.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
I feel like that's its own bullet point here. Of course,
we want to build self esteem and applaud them, but
saying good job, first of all, becomes just this word
that we're throwing out all of the time and not
with true meaning. But it also can turn them into
little bits of performers, so they're doing a good job
for the applause instead of just doing the thing that
(27:36):
they need to do. Obviously, it's kind of a tricky
one because I do believe in celebrating them, and it's
so fun when you see their self esteem growing. But
I think that like good job after everything that we
say is such a knee jerk reaction that it's one
that can be called back and also a place to
just observe. On that note, i think it's been really
freeing to not correct everything that she does.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
So if she looked, you.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Know, over time, if she looks at the color, you know,
purple and she calls it blue, I'm not like, no,
this is purple. Like she's learning her colors. And yes,
there's opportunity at times to correct or share what is right,
what is you know, the right way of doing it
or the right exact you know, color or number or whatever,
(28:22):
but there's also time to just be like, just sit back,
let her call it that. She's not going to go
to college and call it purple bread. So I'm going
to make it to elementary school knowing that, and so
just like really trusting that bigger picture process that they
are going to learn it and we don't need to
step in every step of the way has been really
(28:42):
really really really really.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Freeing for me.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
And it is a form of respect, right Like when
people misspeak or misspell, and we call out everything that
they do that is rude. It's not how you would
treat a person. Hopefully you wouldn't at least, And the
same kind of applies here. There are teaching moments and
there are non teaching moments. Hitting and hurting. That's one
in our house that has been I wouldn't call it
(29:06):
a problem, but has happened on occasion. And Leah, oh
my gosh, my best friend equipped me with like the
best sentence to say, because if you start to scold
or ridicule or say no, don't do that right Like
oftentimes they find it funny and that can actually send
both of you into a vish and can send me
into like this vicious loop of like she thinks it's.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Funny that she's hitting me. She can't know that she's
hitting me.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
She can't go to school and hit people.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
And you run again, like so far into the distance
that you miss what's happening in the moment. And I
remember one night Slowly was hitting me and I didn't
know what to do, and I was getting mad because
first of all, it was hurting, and she was pulling
my hair, and it was like, how do I get
her to stop. I'm using my words. It's not working.
And I ran back what I did to my friend Leah,
(29:52):
and she I can't remember exactly what I did, but
she's like, so what I would do is I would,
you know, let her know that that really hurts my body.
If you do it again, I'm going to have to
remove my body from you to keep myself safe. Or
if she's like throwing a toy, right, I'm gonna have
to put this toy away to keep everybody safe. And
you say it calm, and you say it with truth
(30:13):
and with confidence, but you don't say it with like
a punishing tone. I don't say it with a punishing tone.
And after that first time, I have to remove my
body and i'd walked out of the room, you know,
put her in a safe place. I think at the
time she was in a crib. So placed her in
her crib and said, I have to leave the room
to keep my body safe. You know, I left for
a minute too, like maybe less an earshot away from her.
(30:33):
And you come back, you know, you have to come back.
You don't want to make them feel fearful of that.
But this sentence alone has been like it's in my
pocket at all times as we go through toddlerhood, and
I really really like it, so I wanted to offer
it to you. Keep my body safe, keep people safe,
all of that. And it's not in a threatening tone.
It's not in a punitive tone, but it's a matter
of a fact tone. It's really important too, as I
(30:57):
believe Janet talks about when you are going through a
hitting situation, it has to be like addressed in that moment,
not many minutes after you kind of like lose the momentum.
And I've also found and this is just something that
I personally do, and we haven't had any issues with
her doing anything in public settings to other.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Kids or anything.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
But I sometimes recognize that she's really tired and what
she is doing is not a reflection of what she
knows to be right or wrong. I think that a
lot of what is so hard about toddlerism is that
if they're napping or they're not, and their sleep cycles
are messed up and they are really overtired, and at
the same time they have these new gross motor skills
(31:39):
and fine motor skills. They can pick up a ball
and throw it right like a baby camp, and so
sometimes it's just like they're firing wrong and I see
that and I feel that, and if I know she's
really exhausted, exhausted and we're getting to bedtime, it's not
the time to have the conversation about hitting.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
This is my personal philosophy, and it seems to kind
of work for us. But I kind of just recognize, like,
this is not you at your best or your high knowing,
this is like you need to get to sleep. And
I think this with window of toddlersm is really a
large window of a lot of them not getting a
lot of sleep. Whether they're going to daycare or schools
or programs.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
We're starting to put.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Them on like regular human life schedules and they're not
necessarily ready for that, or they're not ready for it.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Every day.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
One of the moms at pickup, I was talking to
her about it, and a lot of the kids solely's
age are you know, she's two and a half. A
lot of the kids in her grade, if you will,
her class, are three, and so they're dropping that last
nap and Soley rarely has it, but she does have
it some days. She has low sleep needs compared to
most kids, is what I've learned. Unfortunately built unfortunate for me,
(32:46):
I should say. And the thing is is like we
make these decisions and then they're kind of like permanent
ish or around here, that's how people do.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
It's like, okay, we drop the nap.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Now the baby, the toddler doesn't nap, But in reality,
it's like some days a toddler needs a napp, sometimes
they don't. But because we're trying to get them back
on our schedules and it's have a plan and a routine,
that we fail to realize that they're still going through
these huge leaps and some days they're tired and some
days there's not. Just because we decided to cut their
nap because we thought it was appropriate one day doesn't
(33:15):
mean that it's appropriate all days. So I think that
just like really recognizing that they're get tired, they get
overtired easily, and that's usually when I see the most
quote unquote problems in our house, and therefore those aren't
the ones that I choose to correct. Again, it's just
like freeing energy for me to know that, like I
recognize she's overtired and that I don't need to like
(33:36):
worry so much about if she's a hitter or a
hair puller. All of that that being said, during daytime,
normal hours, if we are going through something, that's where
I'm going to, you know, have the discussion with her.
And she's learning at school a lot too, you know,
no hitting, no biting, they learn all of that, and
she understands it. Shays, we never ever hit, we never
ever bite, we never ever. It's really really really cute,
(33:58):
but she understands the concept without having it be punitive.
Punishments don't land with me. When I was pregnant, I
never thought like, oh am I going to be a
parent that punishes or it doesn't punish, And now that
I'm here, that just doesn't sound right for me. I
know as a child how punishments made me feel, especially
like going to my room or time out like it
(34:20):
didn't work well for me. It didn't make me feel safe,
it didn't make me feel hurt, it didn't teach me
a lesson. I absolutely do not subscribe to hitting or
harming of a child to get them to listen. I
know that that is still unfortunately happening, which literally hurts
my soul to think about because of all these reasons
of like I'm talking about, a child just can't advocate
for itself. I can't tell anybody that a toddler or a baby.
(34:42):
That is for another topic that I will never probably
discuss on here, but that really hurts me.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I also believe in.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
Telling them everything that's happening. Like I said in the beginning,
like if I could go back and talk more to
her about I'm going to change your diaper, and all
these little things that are happening to their bodies. They
are things that I might have been singing to her
or doing other nice pleasantries. But I think informing them
of the what's happening to their bodies and what's happening
at all times is really important. Balancing that with not
(35:13):
sportscasting and not burnning yourself out. I think that it's
really hard as a parent, and one of the things
that I've adjusted to is finding a rhythm of talking
to them that doesn't feel absolutely exhausting, and doing so
in a way that makes sense for you.
Speaker 4 (35:29):
Apologizing apologizing.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
I think a lot of times we want our kids
to say sorry, and yet we're not saying sorry. So
when I have my breaking moments or I do something
in a way that just doesn't feel right.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
I apologize to her.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
I don't believe I read this one in either of
the book or people that I mentioned, but it's something
that I feel is not really reflected in my life
with lots of people, and it's something that I think
is really important for them to hear. And it's not
mommy sorry, it's I'm sorry. Piggybacking on that is talking
(36:18):
in the third person. Obviously, there's a time and a
place for a baby and to learn, like saying their
name and saying your name or your mommy mommy loves
you or daddy loves you, or mommy loves solely or
does solely want them something to eat or solely do
want this, or solely sully soly. But they learn their
name pretty fast, and then we can transition to you,
do you want something to eat? Instead of Mommy loves you,
(36:40):
I love you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you,
not Mommy sorry that she hurts solely? Right, do you
hear the ownership in the difference in the ownership As
I say that, this is just something that feels right
to me, and I hope that it's important because also
when I say I'm sorry, I'm really owning whatever I
did or didn't do or felt that I didn't do correctly,
(37:03):
And the emotion is really behind that in a way
that feels much more powerful and more than words. What
do we all respond more to energy? And when energy
is backed by real emotion with ownership, I mean, there's
nothing more powerful. And that applies to adulthood relationships as well.
Not I guess that could be a whole other topic, right,
(37:24):
but you get what I'm saying there. Next is singing.
We have had the privilege to go to a Waldorf school.
She doesn't go full time to a Waldorf, but Waldorf
starts at three actually for school. But we go to
this parent child's class thing on Saturdays and it's a
two hour class and I feel like, again I could
(37:44):
go into a whole other topic about how incredible this
program has been for me, for her, for us, But
what I have taken away most from this program is
how much toddlers love repetition. And you go there, you
do the same thing, and a lot of the different
things that you do, whether it's rolling the bread, baking
the bread, cleaning the table. There's a song for each thing,
(38:06):
and they're really nice songs, and solely loves them, and
Evan loves them, and I love them, and I started
to realize the power of repetition and song to do things,
and songs are really important for me, especially when doing
the hard stuff. And last night I was doing one
of my songs and Evan goes, did you make that
(38:26):
one up? And I go yeah, and he goes, I
think that's like your best work as a parent, and
I really think that it might be. And I have
two songs that really get us through hard times, and
the songs are about choices and the other one is
when she's going to school, and we'll talk about that
one second. But I have a child that is really
knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, and
I don't like to do things to her when she
(38:48):
doesn't want to. But there are certain times in parents
where parenthood where you need to do things and you
need to take the approach of Okay, well, this has
to be done even though you don't like it. But
I don't like that wording, right, I don't like you
don't like it, but we have to do it anyway.
And sometimes when children are resisting. That's when we really
put our back against the wall and we get frustrated
(39:10):
and we start to amp up that we need to
do this. You're not listening and you throw up our
arms right. And when you sing, it's not just enjoyed
by child, it's like enjoyed by you. It allows your
nervous system to make this a fun thing. And singing
and humming and all of this is so good for
a nervous system. And if you make it a song
that you like and everybody likes, it just changes it.
(39:32):
So last night, and like many nights, she doesn't like
to put on her pajamas, has to sleep in pajamas
because it's cold and it's not cold, but you know,
I don't want her to get cold in the night.
Pajamas are non negotiable in our house. If I say
it's a non negotiable, that language is a little miss
for her. So I came up with the Choices song,
which goes, there are choices and not choices, and this
(39:56):
is not a choice. And then I'll maybe like branch
out into what choices. You know, do you like chocolate
or vanilla or you know, different things like that. But
she knows when I start singing that song like time
to participate in putting on your pull up and your
pajamas and all.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Of that stuff.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
And she starts singing, and what starts as like could
turn into a fight resistance completely exhaust me, just turns
into this like fun activity where we're all singing.
Speaker 4 (40:21):
There are choices and not choices.
Speaker 3 (40:25):
So you know, I was not a natural at any
of this, like the singing, the songs that this I
felt so ridiculous when I stepped into motherhood and now
it feels so natural to me to come up with
these songs. And I do come up with bangers, I
admit it, But really I think that like I've just
like fallen into motherhood in a way that just it
flows from me, and I allowed for it to flow
(40:47):
from me. Going to school that was a big transition
for us. But the part she doesn't like is me
not coming. So I'd say, do not want to go
because you want to stay with me? And she would
say yeah, And I'd say, oh, I'd love to come.
Thank you so much for inviting me, But camp is
just for kids, so have so much fun and I'll
pick you up when you're done, and started to be like, oh,
(41:09):
I'd love to come, but camp is just for And
then she'd say kids. I'd say, so have so much
and she'd say fun. And I'd say and I'll pick
you up when you're and she'd say done, and it'd
shift her mood and while acknowledging that this is a
hard transition. And I have another song in the car
where a lot of morning she sing, I don't want
to go to school now. And I try not to probe,
(41:29):
but I do sometimes say is it because you want
to stay home and play with your toys or play
with the mom whatever it is. I'd say it in
one of those ways, and I'd say, either I'd love
to come, or I'd love to be with you, but
school or camp is just for kids, so have so
much fun. Whatever. And I always tell her, if, like,
you know you're going through a hard time, your teacher
will call me. You let her know, and again just
like communicating that, like it is kind of scary to
(41:51):
be dropped off somewhere and you have no connection to
she doesn't have phone, she doesn't have a way to
alert me, but letting her know that there is an
alert system and the same thing, you know, she just
can get nervous on the line because a transition is
coming up the car line have to drop her off on.
Speaker 2 (42:05):
We have to wait on this line, which is so
hard to do.
Speaker 3 (42:07):
It really builds up the leaving me process. So we
come up with songs to sing, and whatever it is
we sing about, Chickadee's on our fingers and it's not
to distract her, but it's to first, I'll just regulate
her a little bit because she's starting to get to
get nervous, and it just totally changes like the dynamic
for us while letting her know I hear you and
you're safe and I'm here. On that note, it's really
(42:30):
fun to give them mantras. Another song that I came
up was kind of a mantra one just you know.
I started to notice before she could use the word scared,
that she would feel scared when I at night, if
I was leaving her room, and i'd rub her chest
or show her how to rub her chest. I'm doing
it right now, like your palm over your chest, and
I'd say, I am.
Speaker 4 (42:47):
Safe, I am whole, I am safe, and I am whole.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
Tap tap tap and we tap tap tap, and you know,
now she's old enough to sing that and she'll sing
it with me, or if she's feeling scared, she sings
that too. And it was one of the things that
I never expected to be such a hit and more importantly,
like such a beautiful tool for her to resource herself
and know that she's feeling scared and like have something
to do to a tool in her toolbox, right, Like,
(43:14):
that's what I want to build for her her own
knowing that life is hard, it is scary, and I
wish that I had any tools, Like I didn't even
start gathering my tools so I was like twenty five,
and just to instill them early and on is really nice.
And to recognize that like night is scary, sleeping alone
is scary, all those things instead of don't be scared,
(43:35):
right like, I just let her know that that she's
safe and then also give her a tool to return
to and any mantras that work for you and your home.
Just don't be afraid to get a little bit silly
with it. And honestly it's a good one for me too.
I use it sometimes when I'm feeling scared, Okay, going
all in, I think this is such an important one
(43:55):
yesterday we went to a huge play space, and I
feel like me in my twenties is laughing at me
in my thirties because what was I doing in my
twenties going to like boozy brunches, had no idea how
to talk to kids, And me and my thirties getting older,
I'm like knees deep in a ballpit chasing a child
while like hunching over to fit in this jungle gym
(44:16):
thing whatever. And I think that the gift that I've
given to myself is like going all in. She's in
another class where the moms come and they do they
help their babies, like play on the bars and the
other thing. And like I'm on the bars with her
and I'm having the silliest time and it is really fun.
But it's only fun because like I'm all in, my
(44:37):
cell phone is tucked away, and it's like, this is
where I'm at in life as a parent. And if
you try to like be an adult and then a
full high functioning adult, the serious one and not be silly,
I think that's where the crux kind of happens. When
you go all in, you get your hands dirty. It
is super liberating and it's funny. I said to Evan,
(44:59):
like none of us wanted to be there yesterday, and
I was like I kind of liked being there, and
I'm like, yeah, I did too, And that's because like
our mindsets are like, this is where I'm at, Like
our Sundays are not about adulty things at this time.
And obviously there's something also to be said about like
just doing kid things, like that's not what I'm saying
at all, but our focus is on her, and when
(45:20):
we do do kid focused activities, we go all in
and it's really really really makes it much easier than
kind of being half in trying to also do your
work emails at the same time you get frustrated by
the kid's stuff. But if you really say to yourself,
this is the time when I'm with my child and
I'm present for it, things really shift and it's silly
(45:41):
and it's fun. And again it's just about like filling
the gaps with making this as enjoyable as possible and
reaping the benefits of the good parts, because there are
also the really hard meltdowns and all of that monitoring
urgency in your tone. This summer, I feel like we
were like peak transitioning into toddlerhood, and I was really
(46:02):
struggling with how to get things done that couldn't be
done quickly. And I have really noticed how urgency is
built into our tone. And I kind of would joke
like if I had to write a book about toddler's
which I am not an expert, so that probably will
not be happening, it would be called you can't rush
a toddler, because you cannot rush a toddler. They go
(46:23):
at their own speed. You try to rush them, you
only get set back further. So really building a lot
of space and time into things, whether it's putting shoes
on and all of that. Obviously there are times where
you have to get out the door, and there is,
but it's really built into.
Speaker 4 (46:36):
Like come on, going on one, let's do this quick,
let's go, let's go, let's go.
Speaker 3 (46:39):
And all that does is create terrible energy in my
own body and a terrible relationship to time that I
never want her to have. The times that I feel
most free in my life is when time feels spacious,
and the opposite is true when I feel rushed. Yet
oftentimes we are rushing for no reason too, just because
(47:01):
we think things are going to take a long time,
and let's just do it and get them done. But
for a toddler, like everything is part of the process,
putting the shoe on vell crewing it and so really
recognizing when urgency isn't there, how we put it in
and being mindful of that has been really helpful for me.
And it's a part of that going all in thing
is just like this is where we're at in life,
(47:23):
and so I'm going to move slower and things are
going to take more time. But I really have to
catch myself all the time with that language. Because we
live in an urgency culture. I think I'm met lastly
here is that know that they need you and we
need them. The other night, I was putting her to sleep,
and I noticed how good it felt to be next
(47:44):
to her, like the chemicals firing in my body felt
so good. And I did not sleep train, I did
not do cry it out. I have lost a lot
of sleep over the last couple of years. And nothing
to be said about if you did do that and
your home, you know, however it works for you. But
I started to just really realize that I'm so glad
(48:06):
that so many of the things the books and the
experts told me to do.
Speaker 2 (48:10):
I didn't do both for me and for her.
Speaker 3 (48:12):
I think that mothers miss out a lot of the
times on the good parts of parenting because of societies,
norms and things that we have to do. The sleep
conversation in particular, when a lot of our rebalancing of
hormones and neurotransmitters really come through being in close proximity
to our children. And so I just want to encourage anybody,
(48:38):
whatever stage you're in, to really tune into how your
body responds to the things that you're doing and you're
not doing, and that applies to sleep or any topics.
If anything that you're doing feels weird in your body
or your mind, take a step back and recognize there
might be a better way to do it, a better way,
(48:59):
an easier way, more fulfilling way, a way that feels
better for you.
Speaker 2 (49:02):
That's what I mean.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
And it really takes zooming out a lot because we
want to raise children wonderfully, and we defer to experts
for a lot of things, but the true expert lies
in each and every one of us. Knowing that our
children are unique, We are unique, Your situation is unique,
your home is unique, Your dynamics are unique, your living
(49:25):
situations are unique. Everything is different, and there is not
a one size fits all. So doing what is best
for you. Even if everything I said in this episode
does not resonate with you, then that might not be
right for you for your child where they're development mentally,
at where they're cognitively at. But I just wanted to
share things that I feel like have really helped me
(49:48):
lean into the hard parts of toddlerism. Has been really
soaking in the joys that come with them too, and
looking back at all the things that I used to
do and all the energy that I needlessly expended really
comes to mind. I think respectful and joyful parenting really
comes from being more of an observer. The last thing
(50:10):
that I forgot to say is the importance of independent play.
It's something that I'm working on more here. Especially. It's
a little bit harder because Solly is an only child,
and when her grandparents come over i'm with her. I
always think like she needs to be entertained or played with.
But there's something really beautiful, as may Randlea has taught
me and important about independent play. Setting them up with
something safe to do and having time for yourself and
(50:34):
letting them know that you're here doing that if they
need anything, but also giving them, you know, space to
do so themselves. I think it just goes back again
into that idea of children need to be entertained, when
really this is such a beautiful time for imagination and
exploration and non interference by way of adults. So those
are my thoughts. I probably annoyed a lot of you
(50:56):
because I know toddler life is really exhausting for a
lot of people, and perhaps hearing that I enjoy it
and love it most of the times annoys you the
way maybe when I wish that I was really good
with babies the way other people, you know, other people
just naturally were. But however, this lands. Thanks for listening,
Thanks for being part of the truthiest life and helping
(51:16):
me get over my own obstacles, for recording things that
just feel good. Things do not have to be perfect,
but I believe if they come from the heart and
the soul and the moment that you are feeling that
energetic rise which I was today, you pour it do
onto the universe and hopefully it just makes somebody's life
a little bit better. Thanks all for listening, and I'll
see you back here on the truthiest life.
A no bey even when times geitheard and.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
You feel you're in the.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
C See just how beautiful life can be when you
saften your heart, you can finally start to live your
tu seious life.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Hello everybody, welcome back to the Truthiest Life. It's your
host Lisa Haim and a little intro before we get
into this week's episode where I'm sharing my top tips
of what helped me take parenting in toddlerhood from complete
chaos and overwhelm to calm and.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Perhaps even joy.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Before I do, I just want to let you know
that this past week we kicked off Mind Body Mentorship.
It's my new program just for the month of March
where we meet live twice a week as a group
and we practice mindfulness, go over mindfulness concepts, meditate, journal together,
and then we also have the somatic component on Sundays
that includes yoga, movement, breath work, but in a way
(01:12):
that is pairing it all together. The purpose of this
program is to create a safe space for spiritual growth
and learning nervous system regulation that's absolutely key and for
embodied wisdom to arise. It pairs a top down approach
mindfulness and meditation with a bottom up approach, think movement
and breathwork to release the blockages, rewire the nervous system,
(01:34):
and reconnect to your true self. It's done in a
group setting, which expedites the process, makes it fun, and
really creates a nourishing environment where we can actually drop
in deeper and deeper and create a connection that lasts.
I shared all about this program in my last episode,
but this week it kicked off, and oh my gosh,
did it blow my mind in the sense that I
(01:57):
felt proud of me for the first time in a
long time. I know that the second I signed on
to the first session and I saw all the faces
and the chat started going and people started sharing, it
felt like I really listened to my gut, my intuition.
I didn't let things get in my way when creating this.
I didn't worry about how many people would sign up,
how much money I would make, too much going into
(02:19):
even the marketing that went into it. I did that
all myself, all the branding, and it just like came
together really beautifully, And I think it's a testament to
what the program actually is. When we're in mind body connection,
when we're connected to our source, that creative, powerful, forward
moving version of ourself.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
Things flow.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
When we are not, things don't flow, and it went
so beautifully. I've heard from so many incredible people that
this is like exactly what they needed, and I think
it's what a lot of us need. So just because
it kicked off does not mean that you've missed the boat.
You can still sign up. I'll put the link below,
and you can join all our future sessions, which include
(03:00):
every Sunday and Tuesday for the rest of March. You
also have the option to do the drop in where
you just kind of test it out. If you know
you don't want to do a Tuesday and you can
only make it to one Sunday, go ahead and do
the drop in option. For the most part, the membership
is probably going to be the most financially smart move
because if you attend two sessions, it ends up being
(03:20):
less money for the entire membership. So if it's speaking
to you, I just want to make sure that you
know you didn't miss the boat. We want to and
this is March only. It will definitely not be offered
in April, probably not May. April is Camp Metreat Oh
my gosh, a month away, A lot of exciting things
are coming through me, and it feels really good to
be in my spiritual and serving seat. I'm really anchoring
(03:45):
into that, not just because it's what I want to do,
but because it's how I feel my best. And I
also happen to be a girl that loves Love is
Blind And a new season came out and I'm dying
to watch it, but I know that if I head
in that direction, not that there's anything wrong with that,
but that show sucks me in so dirty that I
can't afford to watch it right now. So I'm putting
(04:06):
that on hold until maybe after the metreat when I
just need my brain to just kind of like out
give it a rest. But right now, I'm in the
driving seat, and I want to really contain that connection
and dive a little bit deeper because it feels so
good to be serving in a way that is completely
aligned with me. If this program is offered again, there
will probably be an evolution of it, but that's what
(04:28):
we've got right now, so I'll put that link below.
Moving into this week's episode, I had this worry after
I recorded it that I came from this like holier
than now place where like I've got it all figured
out and this is what you should do, and I
listen back and I don't think that's how I come across,
but I'm going to put an extra disclaimer here that
this is what's working for us. It felt so empowering
(04:50):
to shift the way I see babies, toddlers, and the
whole philosophy around raising them. I'm somebody that felt com
completely disempowered when I had a baby, like though I
still had my intuition, I was so nervous that I
had no idea what to do as a toddler mom.
I feel so much more empowered, trusting of my intuition
(05:12):
and grateful that these like pathways have opened up that
have showed me that there's more than one way to
do things. I think with babyhood, I didn't feel that way.
With toddlerhood, I do, and I just want to put
that extra asterisk.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
That I know I have it all figured out.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
I absolutely lose my cool sometimes I get extra stressed, out, overwhelmed, exhausted.
I don't know if any of that came through in
the episode, so I just want to make sure that
that's here too. I'm also going to make sure to
put the two resources that I mentioned a bunch of
times in the show Notes, which is Janet Lansbury, her podcast,
her website. She has courses that you can find within
(05:49):
that and the book Hunt Gather Parent. There are tons
of other resources out there, but I feel like the
two of these found me at the right time and
really expanded my my brain and my capabilities to be patient,
feel empowered, and really do things differently. I said this
in the episode, but I want to say it one
more time. When you make change in your life and
(06:12):
it starts to be not just like cognitive change, but
like DNA changes, like you believe what you're doing so much.
There's also the backside of this coin that is not
often talked about, which is you will be really frustrated
in other settings when you don't see this model being
done to other children or your own child. More importantly,
(06:34):
I do not believe that there's one right way to
do anything, but when it comes to these philosophies, which
I believe are largely rooted in respectful parenting, it can
be really hard when it's your own child and there
are grandparents or another parent involved, or other caregivers that
aren't speaking to your child the same way. And not
to say they're doing anything wrong, but there are these
(06:55):
little things that you don't realize that are not aligned
with who you are. So any change comes with a
shift from the other side, and you have to become
a really good communicator to get people on board, to
manage your own emotions, and again just highlighting the complexities
of being a mother, being a parent, evolving, sticking to
(07:15):
your wisdom, sticking to your truth, and learning how to
do so.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
While you're exhausted.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Okay, that's this intro a little bit long, but I'm
gonna put everything I just talked about in the show
notes below. And I hope this episode where I shared
almost fourteen changes that I've made, really helps you feel empowered,
gives you tools to call on, because that I think
is the most important thing when it comes to toddler
motherhood in my limited experience. Thanks for listening, everybody, and
(07:43):
I'll see you soon. Hello everybody, and welcome back to
the Truthiest Life.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
It to host Lisahim.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
And I know I said I'd be irregularly popping back in,
and this is one of these moments that I want
to irregularly pop in. This is such a wonderful platform
to provide information and make it accessible to all and
communicate it in a way that is very natural for me.
And admittedly I've gotten caught up in sharing on here
(08:15):
because as a non perfectionist, something I'm very proud of,
I've always brought a little bit of perfectionist nature to
this podcast. I don't know why. It has always felt
really important when using my actual voice, voice from my body,
to deliver information in a way that is said really,
(08:36):
really well. And obviously that's important with all forms of communication,
but it can also come to a point where it
becomes an obstacle because there's no way to say things
absolutely perfect all the time. For whatever reason, when I
communicate on Instagram and social media, it has always flowed
through me the way I would kind of like write
(08:57):
in a journal and fearlessly hit. And I wouldn't even
call it fearlessly because it didn't feel fearlessly. It just
felt such an extension of me and it was so
natural and as easy it is it is for me
to speak and use my voice. When you sit down
with the microphone, things kind of change. And I'm three
years in, Yes I'm more comfortable, but I still get
(09:21):
stuck on the same obstacles and having gone back to
social media for about four weeks now I'm back. But
today specifically is like a recalibration day for me, where
I'm asking myself questions, which way do I want to
go instead of just cruising in the direction that I am.
(09:41):
Yesterday was probably the most powerful full moon I've ever seen.
I don't know if any of you noticed. Yesterday was
February twenty fifth, and it took me to the point
where I was googling about this full moon and everything
about this specific moon said like, now is the time
to be introspective and go inward and see what you
(10:04):
really need. And I kind of felt annoyed by that
because I have been reflecting for months and months and
now it's like, oh, now is the time to reflect.
Where it's like I am really tired of reflecting. A
part of me wants to be back in motion, and
reflecting is the stopping point and often where we pivot.
(10:25):
But better me, bigger me, higher me knows that if
we don't listen to those polls, that we have to
go inward, and we want to just keep going because
we're afraid of what we'll find. We will find ourselves
in a worse place down the line. So I just
got back from seven days of vacation, so grateful for
that time with my family. Seven days is a lot
(10:46):
of time to be away for me, and it's a
lot of time for me to be disconnected from my practices,
especially the ones that have been so life changing in
the last six to eight months, that have really helped
me rEFInd my hole, my center, live a much less
of an egoific life, less of an adrenalated life. All
(11:07):
of that when it comes to these practices yoga, pranayama, meditation, journaling,
I am of the mindset of it doesn't need to
be perfect, we just have to return back to it
because perfection is what personally trips me up, and it
kind of previously historically has thrown me into like throw
in the towel mode where it's like, Okay, well I
(11:27):
don't do this practices anymore, and then I don't return
to them because my streak is over. I used to
talk about that a lot with healthy eating and diet mentality.
It's like, Okay, you were eating really healthy and then
you had the X that you no longer think is healthy,
so you know you say I blew it and continue
down the trajectory of I blew it instead of just like,
just get back to what feels good and is nourishing
for your body. A little tangential there, but I think
(11:49):
the same thing can happen with fitness, spirituality, and the
things that actually make us feel good. Fortunately, I've stuck
with these practices for long enough that I love them
and I want to come back to them, which made
coming back to it this morning there was an obstacle,
still like it's not part of my routine. I haven't
been back to my pranayama setup in a week and
(12:12):
a half. But once I dropped in, my body knew
what to do and it felt so nice to find
stillness and settling after what was an amazing vacation with
my family, so much love, so much good food, so
much doing, so much heart filling moments. But it was
also a lot of energy expenditure. And the second I
lied down and allowed I do pranayama first and then
(12:36):
a little bit of meditation, which if people are interested
and I would like to share more of that, I'll
get into down the line. Oh, I just feels so
good to settle back into your truth, and yet it's
so much easier to keep going with what you're doing otherwise,
even if you know that it's not your healthiest The habits,
the things that produced serotonin and oxytocin and dopamine but
(12:59):
aren't necessarily the best things for you.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I hope I'm being clear with that.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
But today I'm showing up because there's been a topic
on my mind that I am obviously not an expert
in motherhood. I am a first time mom with a
two and a half year old. But I think what
I see in myself different than a lot of people
that I know, is that I am obsessed with being
(13:26):
a toddler mom. I find it so fascinating to study
their minds and watch them and observe and tweak the
things that I do or I say, and see how
she my daughter reacts. And one of the things that
I'm really passionate about is helping mothers maybe see that
(13:51):
it can be more fun and playful and delicious.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
And yes, it is absolutely.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Exhausting on so many fronts, so many dead ends where
life feels absolutely impossible and like what do I even
do with my child? And like there's just so many
of those moments where you just want to throw up
your hands. But I think that if we fill in
the other moments with more joy, a lot of the
things that feel daunting are really good and healthy for us.
(14:23):
This summer, in particularly when I went offline, I feel
like I got really lucky with her age and the
literature and people that fell into my life that armed me,
if you will, with tools that I didn't have prior.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
To be a really.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Good mom, and by that I mean present, attuned to her,
willing to try new things, recognize my own things that
I was doing that I wasn't that weren't feeling right
to me. I make pivoting choices to try new things,
going offline, taking a break from work. All of that
felt like a beautiful time to be like, how can
I step into this role? Many of you know that
(15:04):
baby life was really challenging for me, and I look
back now and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I
had no idea, and me having no idea made me
so reliant on other people around me that I thought
were experts and sure, maybe they could help me, but
a lot of the times it wasn't in truth with
how if I have another child?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I will be with baby.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
I've just learned so much through this phase of toddler
life that applies to babyhood. So I also just want
to say, if you're listening to this at any age
of motherhood, I think that it will be really helpful
to really think about things differently. So the two most
(15:57):
I think critical people books things in my life that
kind of emerged at the same time. And I want
to first credit my friend Leah, who has three kids
under six, and we met actually by way of the Internet.
She had a burner account that she used to message
me from to the point where I thought this person
was creepy and I almost blocked them. I might have
like restricted them, which is a function. And then I
(16:19):
ended up meeting her in real life at a restaurant.
And this woman has become my best friend over the
last couple of years. Like I travel to California to
see her, we go on family vacations, and she's so
wise when it comes to motherhood and she's doing things
so differently. So she's the one that introduced me to
this woman, Janet Lansberry, who you may or may not
be familiar with. And whenever I have a question about
(16:40):
Soley I always like check it with her and she
has such an interesting response that I wouldn't have thought of.
And I think that this age, or any age in general,
like having tools to navigate hard times makes you feel
so much more empowered as a parent, and then that
allows for less burnout or less like shame. I think
a lot of us feel shameful when we can't get
(17:03):
our kid to stop crying, we can't get them to sleep,
when we can't figure out why they're hitting or why
they're not eating their food right. Like, we can cycle
a vicious cycle very quickly. That's hard to get out of.
But if you feel like you just have one tool
in your pocket, whether it's a phrase to say differently
or just anything, it goes so far in feeling empowered and.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Like you got this.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
And you do have to feel like you got this
as a mother, because you are the safe space for
your child. And that's something that's really important for me,
you know, and my own personal life. I work on
resourcing getting myself back to safety, but a child is
completely codependent emotionally, and so I need.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
To appear and be You can't just appear, you have
to be.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Solid in your confidence in self, because otherwise the child
gets that energy. So the two concepts, books, people, whatever,
that have kind of emerged for me are number one,
respectful parenting. Janet Landsbury being the charge on that for me.
Her practices come from Magda Gerber, but her podcast and
her website like you can put in any topic that
(18:07):
you're dealing with and she has written about it in
a way that is so beautiful and respectful parenting to
me is the philosophy that lands the best with me
more than like intentional or conscious and all of that
is wonderful, but respectful really distills how I believe a child,
a baby, a toddler, an adult, any person should be treated.
(18:30):
And for some reason in our culture, whether we're dealing
with babies that can't speak or elders that you know
are less cognizant for aging reasons, we stop treating them respectfully.
And it's very subtle, but once you see it or
feel it, you can't unsee it. But we talk about
them as if they're not there right. Sometimes we talk
to babies and like baby voices, we treat them differently.
(18:51):
We don't tell them things that are happening in their life.
We just do them quickly, and with elders, you could,
you know, imagine the way that we treat elders in
our societ. But focusing on the babies for a moment.
When I when I started reading about respectful parenting, I
started to have a lot of regrets about things that
I did in the baby life, and specifically, you know,
(19:13):
Solely is a child that gets very very high fevers
and medicine has been how I have to keep them
at bay because she's been hospitalized twice history of febrill seizures,
and I get very triggered by her fevers. She has
also at the same time, of course, hates medicine, so
many times I had to force medicine into her, whether
(19:34):
that was like my mouth trying to like sneak it
attack through these LIKESI pacifier things where you stick the
liquid in or suppositories. You know, it's really really challenging.
And I'm like rubbing my eyes as I say this
because I feel so stressed about it. It was one
of those cruks in parenting where I was like, I
need to take care of you, but you're not letting
me take care of you, so I have to get
it into you. And of course going back, you still
(19:55):
have to get the medicine in. But the respectful thing
is to tell them everything that's happening to them, from
I'm going to be changing your diaper to just talking
to them. I think a lot of people have babies
and they think they can't understand. So I'm not going
to talk until they could talk, or making like made
up words. But I know I talked to her a lot,
but I also kind of like expended my energy too
(20:16):
hard in the wrong places. I would just make sure
to tell her everything that was ever going to happen
to her, from going to the doctor and shots and
all of that. I think it's really important to find
your fine line of telling them without like and it's
going to be scary and it's gonna hurt, like you
don't want to do that, but you want to be
like the strong place. So just an example of what
respectful parenting means to me is really treating them as
(20:39):
you would another human being. Yeah, Janet Lands very huge,
amazing resource for that. You can find so much free materials.
At the same time, I stumbled upon a book called
Hunt Gather Parent.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I still to this.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
Day, I don't think I've made it through fifty percent
of this book, but what I took away from the
fifty percent changed my life. And again it's about having
those tools. And I I think that I found this
book and really started to shift the.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Way I parent at the exact right time.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
She was a little under two, shifting into toddlerhood and
things were getting a lot harder quote unquote, meltdowns were ensuing,
and I didn't know how to support her and help
her and how to do it. I want to put
a huge asterisk here that changing the way you see
toddlers and babies and seeing them as human beings is
(21:29):
not one hundred percent cherry pie. It actually is really
really hard because you can't unsee the way other people
do it and the way other people speak to your child,
whether that's grandparents, other caregivers in their life, and you
start to get really uncomfortable when other people are not
doing it as you want them to be because they're
not being respectful. So this has also been really challenging
(21:52):
for me in my home life, even with Evan, the
other caregiver, and my husband, because it's like I'm changing
the way I'm doing it. I'm seeing all the benefits
in the way, and then how do I communicate that
in a way to him without me telling him what
to do things I've been navigating for six months, and
I just want to put that caveat here that once
you get what I call Janet lands buried, like, it's
(22:14):
very hard to be Unjanet lands buried. And then it
also gets even harder because in my opinion, the way
children are treated in our culture, in very subtle ways,
is a little bit abusive. And I don't mean abusive
that the parents need to be jailed. Even the things
that I did, I would say are abusive in some way,
just not treating them like people. That's what I define
(22:35):
as abusive. So take that with a grain of salt.
But it's very hard to unsee once you see it.
This book Hunt Gather Parent and really immersing myself in
Janet lands Bury's podcasts, books, all of that were really
transformative to me. So I wanted to include a list
of things that I have done changed my mindset on
(23:00):
that have made parenting so much more joyful and so
much easier. I think that and this is largely informed
by Hunt Gathered Parent. We have this idea as Americans
in our culture and our society that like it's about
control and our kids have to behave and if they misbehave,
(23:21):
they're not listening to us. And then we go like
so far into the distance about like what kind of
adults they're going to be, when in reality, like children
are children. Their brains are forming, and sometimes they do
things that are not behaving. But it's not necessarily the
time or the exact moment to like be the disciplinarian.
(23:41):
It's a time to show love and educate and do
so in a way that recognizes this is their first
time here doing this that. And I think we get
carried away with the story of like what kind of
people they're going to become if we don't discipline them,
And I don't know in my limited experience, I've found
an opposite appro which to be just so much more helpful.
(24:03):
So breathe easy, everybody like a parents' moms dads like
allow for knowing that your child will grow into a
beautiful person, sorry, grow into a beautiful adult.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
They are a person. See a tripped up there.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
If we treat them like people and we don't make
it about control and authoritarian ways of controlling the situation,
you have to treat them a little bit more like equals.
So one of the things that immediately made my life
so much easier was including her and stuff. Like I said,
(24:38):
this found me at the perfect age to almost two
becomes an age where they really want to help. They
want to sweep, they want to do dishes, and obviously
they can't do them as well as we can, but
we can include them in those things more than we think.
Obviously not with knives and unsafe things, but they can definitely.
I have this little like it called the tower that
(24:59):
goes by the sink, and having her next to me
do the dishes is much easier than me putting her
in front of a screen or in front of twins
saying play alone. I think that we also oftentimes think
that they need to be occupied while we do our things.
But I found that including her in stuff, getting her
a little broom like a real one, like a little
sweeping pan, actually allowed for so many things to be easier.
(25:21):
And they're also learning that they're part of the responsibility
in the house, and I find that part to be
really interesting too. And a hunt gathered parent talked about
it a lot. Is we come up with these reward
systems of like if you help me do this, then
you get a star. But then we're not really teaching
our children to be active helpers around the house to
look for what needs to be done. We're teaching them
(25:43):
how to simply do a chore because it needs to
get done. What I want to raise is somebody who
is helpful, and they talk about this concept called accommodido
in the book which she travels to different cultures and
sees how they do things, and the idea is how
to be helpful without having to point out this is
what I need help with. And that's such a beautiful
skill to have, especially in the world where we're sucked
(26:05):
in by our phones and easily distracted and in our heads,
to raise somebody that wants to help because they see
that something needs to be done. So I highly recommend
including your children in your chores that you have to
do around the house.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Energy saving.
Speaker 4 (26:20):
I talked about this a little bit earlier, but I
feel like.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
I expended so much energy in the beginning by thinking
that I had to entertain her talk so much sportscast,
as Janet Lansbury describes it, which is like, oh, you're
building the block, so high, and this is the red
one and this is the purple one, and every second
just like speaking about what they're doing because they need
to be educated.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
We don't have to do that.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Yes, we can be their educators and assist and point
things out at certain times, but we don't need to
be an actor in this life. And the most beautiful
gift that Janet Lansbury and my friendly have given me
is to observe and notice how much you want to
jump in whether they're doing something quote unquote wrong or
(27:04):
you just want to say good job, right, like just listen,
just sit back and observe more and more. And it's
a scale that I'm constantly refining, especially the good job.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
One good job.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
I feel like that's its own bullet point here. Of course,
we want to build self esteem and applaud them, but
saying good job, first of all, becomes just this word
that we're throwing out all of the time and not
with true meaning. But it also can turn them into
little bits of performers, so they're doing a good job
for the applause instead of just doing the thing that
(27:36):
they need to do. Obviously, it's kind of a tricky
one because I do believe in celebrating them, and it's
so fun when you see their self esteem growing. But
I think that like good job after everything that we
say is such a knee jerk reaction that it's one
that can be called back and also a place to
just observe. On that note, i think it's been really
freeing to not correct everything that she does.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
So if she looked, you.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Know, over time, if she looks at the color, you know,
purple and she calls it blue, I'm not like, no,
this is purple. Like she's learning her colors. And yes,
there's opportunity at times to correct or share what is right,
what is you know, the right way of doing it
or the right exact you know, color or number or whatever,
(28:22):
but there's also time to just be like, just sit back,
let her call it that. She's not going to go
to college and call it purple bread. So I'm going
to make it to elementary school knowing that, and so
just like really trusting that bigger picture process that they
are going to learn it and we don't need to
step in every step of the way has been really
(28:42):
really really really really.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Freeing for me.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
And it is a form of respect, right Like when
people misspeak or misspell, and we call out everything that
they do that is rude. It's not how you would
treat a person. Hopefully you wouldn't at least, And the
same kind of applies here. There are teaching moments and
there are non teaching moments. Hitting and hurting. That's one
in our house that has been I wouldn't call it
(29:06):
a problem, but has happened on occasion. And Leah, oh
my gosh, my best friend equipped me with like the
best sentence to say, because if you start to scold
or ridicule or say no, don't do that right Like
oftentimes they find it funny and that can actually send
both of you into a vish and can send me
into like this vicious loop of like she thinks it's.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Funny that she's hitting me. She can't know that she's
hitting me.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
She can't go to school and hit people.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
And you run again, like so far into the distance
that you miss what's happening in the moment. And I
remember one night Slowly was hitting me and I didn't
know what to do, and I was getting mad because
first of all, it was hurting, and she was pulling
my hair, and it was like, how do I get
her to stop. I'm using my words. It's not working.
And I ran back what I did to my friend Leah,
(29:52):
and she I can't remember exactly what I did, but
she's like, so what I would do is I would,
you know, let her know that that really hurts my body.
If you do it again, I'm going to have to
remove my body from you to keep myself safe. Or
if she's like throwing a toy, right, I'm gonna have
to put this toy away to keep everybody safe. And
you say it calm, and you say it with truth
(30:13):
and with confidence, but you don't say it with like
a punishing tone. I don't say it with a punishing tone.
And after that first time, I have to remove my
body and i'd walked out of the room, you know,
put her in a safe place. I think at the
time she was in a crib. So placed her in
her crib and said, I have to leave the room
to keep my body safe. You know, I left for
a minute too, like maybe less an earshot away from her.
(30:33):
And you come back, you know, you have to come back.
You don't want to make them feel fearful of that.
But this sentence alone has been like it's in my
pocket at all times as we go through toddlerhood, and
I really really like it, so I wanted to offer
it to you. Keep my body safe, keep people safe,
all of that. And it's not in a threatening tone.
It's not in a punitive tone, but it's a matter
of a fact tone. It's really important too, as I
(30:57):
believe Janet talks about when you are going through a
hitting situation, it has to be like addressed in that moment,
not many minutes after you kind of like lose the momentum.
And I've also found and this is just something that
I personally do, and we haven't had any issues with
her doing anything in public settings to other.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Kids or anything.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
But I sometimes recognize that she's really tired and what
she is doing is not a reflection of what she
knows to be right or wrong. I think that a
lot of what is so hard about toddlerism is that
if they're napping or they're not, and their sleep cycles
are messed up and they are really overtired, and at
the same time they have these new gross motor skills
(31:39):
and fine motor skills. They can pick up a ball
and throw it right like a baby camp, and so
sometimes it's just like they're firing wrong and I see
that and I feel that, and if I know she's
really exhausted, exhausted and we're getting to bedtime, it's not
the time to have the conversation about hitting.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
This is my personal philosophy, and it seems to kind
of work for us. But I kind of just recognize, like,
this is not you at your best or your high knowing,
this is like you need to get to sleep. And
I think this with window of toddlersm is really a
large window of a lot of them not getting a
lot of sleep. Whether they're going to daycare or schools
or programs.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
We're starting to put.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Them on like regular human life schedules and they're not
necessarily ready for that, or they're not ready for it.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Every day.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
One of the moms at pickup, I was talking to
her about it, and a lot of the kids solely's
age are you know, she's two and a half. A
lot of the kids in her grade, if you will,
her class, are three, and so they're dropping that last
nap and Soley rarely has it, but she does have
it some days. She has low sleep needs compared to
most kids, is what I've learned. Unfortunately built unfortunate for me,
(32:46):
I should say. And the thing is is like we
make these decisions and then they're kind of like permanent
ish or around here, that's how people do.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
It's like, okay, we drop the nap.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Now the baby, the toddler doesn't nap, But in reality,
it's like some days a toddler needs a napp, sometimes
they don't. But because we're trying to get them back
on our schedules and it's have a plan and a routine,
that we fail to realize that they're still going through
these huge leaps and some days they're tired and some
days there's not. Just because we decided to cut their
nap because we thought it was appropriate one day doesn't
(33:15):
mean that it's appropriate all days. So I think that
just like really recognizing that they're get tired, they get
overtired easily, and that's usually when I see the most
quote unquote problems in our house, and therefore those aren't
the ones that I choose to correct. Again, it's just
like freeing energy for me to know that, like I
recognize she's overtired and that I don't need to like
(33:36):
worry so much about if she's a hitter or a
hair puller. All of that that being said, during daytime,
normal hours, if we are going through something, that's where
I'm going to, you know, have the discussion with her.
And she's learning at school a lot too, you know,
no hitting, no biting, they learn all of that, and
she understands it. Shays, we never ever hit, we never
ever bite, we never ever. It's really really really cute,
(33:58):
but she understands the concept without having it be punitive.
Punishments don't land with me. When I was pregnant, I
never thought like, oh am I going to be a
parent that punishes or it doesn't punish, And now that
I'm here, that just doesn't sound right for me. I
know as a child how punishments made me feel, especially
like going to my room or time out like it
(34:20):
didn't work well for me. It didn't make me feel safe,
it didn't make me feel hurt, it didn't teach me
a lesson. I absolutely do not subscribe to hitting or
harming of a child to get them to listen. I
know that that is still unfortunately happening, which literally hurts
my soul to think about because of all these reasons
of like I'm talking about, a child just can't advocate
for itself. I can't tell anybody that a toddler or a baby.
(34:42):
That is for another topic that I will never probably
discuss on here, but that really hurts me.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I also believe in.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
Telling them everything that's happening. Like I said in the beginning,
like if I could go back and talk more to
her about I'm going to change your diaper, and all
these little things that are happening to their bodies. They
are things that I might have been singing to her
or doing other nice pleasantries. But I think informing them
of the what's happening to their bodies and what's happening
at all times is really important. Balancing that with not
(35:13):
sportscasting and not burnning yourself out. I think that it's
really hard as a parent, and one of the things
that I've adjusted to is finding a rhythm of talking
to them that doesn't feel absolutely exhausting, and doing so
in a way that makes sense for you.
Speaker 4 (35:29):
Apologizing apologizing.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
I think a lot of times we want our kids
to say sorry, and yet we're not saying sorry. So
when I have my breaking moments or I do something
in a way that just doesn't feel right.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
I apologize to her.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
I don't believe I read this one in either of
the book or people that I mentioned, but it's something
that I feel is not really reflected in my life
with lots of people, and it's something that I think
is really important for them to hear. And it's not
mommy sorry, it's I'm sorry. Piggybacking on that is talking
(36:18):
in the third person. Obviously, there's a time and a
place for a baby and to learn, like saying their
name and saying your name or your mommy mommy loves
you or daddy loves you, or mommy loves solely or
does solely want them something to eat or solely do
want this, or solely sully soly. But they learn their
name pretty fast, and then we can transition to you,
do you want something to eat? Instead of Mommy loves you,
(36:40):
I love you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you,
not Mommy sorry that she hurts solely? Right, do you
hear the ownership in the difference in the ownership As
I say that, this is just something that feels right
to me, and I hope that it's important because also
when I say I'm sorry, I'm really owning whatever I
did or didn't do or felt that I didn't do correctly,
(37:03):
And the emotion is really behind that in a way
that feels much more powerful and more than words. What
do we all respond more to energy? And when energy
is backed by real emotion with ownership, I mean, there's
nothing more powerful. And that applies to adulthood relationships as well.
Not I guess that could be a whole other topic, right,
(37:24):
but you get what I'm saying there. Next is singing.
We have had the privilege to go to a Waldorf school.
She doesn't go full time to a Waldorf, but Waldorf
starts at three actually for school. But we go to
this parent child's class thing on Saturdays and it's a
two hour class and I feel like, again I could
(37:44):
go into a whole other topic about how incredible this
program has been for me, for her, for us, But
what I have taken away most from this program is
how much toddlers love repetition. And you go there, you
do the same thing, and a lot of the different
things that you do, whether it's rolling the bread, baking
the bread, cleaning the table. There's a song for each thing,
(38:06):
and they're really nice songs, and solely loves them, and
Evan loves them, and I love them, and I started
to realize the power of repetition and song to do things,
and songs are really important for me, especially when doing
the hard stuff. And last night I was doing one
of my songs and Evan goes, did you make that
(38:26):
one up? And I go yeah, and he goes, I
think that's like your best work as a parent, and
I really think that it might be. And I have
two songs that really get us through hard times, and
the songs are about choices and the other one is
when she's going to school, and we'll talk about that
one second. But I have a child that is really
knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, and
I don't like to do things to her when she
(38:48):
doesn't want to. But there are certain times in parents
where parenthood where you need to do things and you
need to take the approach of Okay, well, this has
to be done even though you don't like it. But
I don't like that wording, right, I don't like you
don't like it, but we have to do it anyway.
And sometimes when children are resisting. That's when we really
put our back against the wall and we get frustrated
(39:10):
and we start to amp up that we need to
do this. You're not listening and you throw up our
arms right. And when you sing, it's not just enjoyed
by child, it's like enjoyed by you. It allows your
nervous system to make this a fun thing. And singing
and humming and all of this is so good for
a nervous system. And if you make it a song
that you like and everybody likes, it just changes it.
(39:32):
So last night, and like many nights, she doesn't like
to put on her pajamas, has to sleep in pajamas
because it's cold and it's not cold, but you know,
I don't want her to get cold in the night.
Pajamas are non negotiable in our house. If I say
it's a non negotiable, that language is a little miss
for her. So I came up with the Choices song,
which goes, there are choices and not choices, and this
(39:56):
is not a choice. And then I'll maybe like branch
out into what choices. You know, do you like chocolate
or vanilla or you know, different things like that. But
she knows when I start singing that song like time
to participate in putting on your pull up and your
pajamas and all.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Of that stuff.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
And she starts singing, and what starts as like could
turn into a fight resistance completely exhaust me, just turns
into this like fun activity where we're all singing.
Speaker 4 (40:21):
There are choices and not choices.
Speaker 3 (40:25):
So you know, I was not a natural at any
of this, like the singing, the songs that this I
felt so ridiculous when I stepped into motherhood and now
it feels so natural to me to come up with
these songs. And I do come up with bangers, I
admit it, But really I think that like I've just
like fallen into motherhood in a way that just it
flows from me, and I allowed for it to flow
(40:47):
from me. Going to school that was a big transition
for us. But the part she doesn't like is me
not coming. So I'd say, do not want to go
because you want to stay with me? And she would
say yeah, And I'd say, oh, I'd love to come.
Thank you so much for inviting me, But camp is
just for kids, so have so much fun and I'll
pick you up when you're done, and started to be like, oh,
(41:09):
I'd love to come, but camp is just for And
then she'd say kids. I'd say, so have so much
and she'd say fun. And I'd say and I'll pick
you up when you're and she'd say done, and it'd
shift her mood and while acknowledging that this is a
hard transition. And I have another song in the car
where a lot of morning she sing, I don't want
to go to school now. And I try not to probe,
(41:29):
but I do sometimes say is it because you want
to stay home and play with your toys or play
with the mom whatever it is. I'd say it in
one of those ways, and I'd say, either I'd love
to come, or I'd love to be with you, but
school or camp is just for kids, so have so
much fun. Whatever. And I always tell her, if, like,
you know you're going through a hard time, your teacher
will call me. You let her know, and again just
like communicating that, like it is kind of scary to
(41:51):
be dropped off somewhere and you have no connection to
she doesn't have phone, she doesn't have a way to
alert me, but letting her know that there is an
alert system and the same thing, you know, she just
can get nervous on the line because a transition is
coming up the car line have to drop her off on.
Speaker 2 (42:05):
We have to wait on this line, which is so
hard to do.
Speaker 3 (42:07):
It really builds up the leaving me process. So we
come up with songs to sing, and whatever it is
we sing about, Chickadee's on our fingers and it's not
to distract her, but it's to first, I'll just regulate
her a little bit because she's starting to get to
get nervous, and it just totally changes like the dynamic
for us while letting her know I hear you and
you're safe and I'm here. On that note, it's really
(42:30):
fun to give them mantras. Another song that I came
up was kind of a mantra one just you know.
I started to notice before she could use the word scared,
that she would feel scared when I at night, if
I was leaving her room, and i'd rub her chest
or show her how to rub her chest. I'm doing
it right now, like your palm over your chest, and
I'd say, I am.
Speaker 4 (42:47):
Safe, I am whole, I am safe, and I am whole.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
Tap tap tap and we tap tap tap, and you know,
now she's old enough to sing that and she'll sing
it with me, or if she's feeling scared, she sings
that too. And it was one of the things that
I never expected to be such a hit and more importantly,
like such a beautiful tool for her to resource herself
and know that she's feeling scared and like have something
to do to a tool in her toolbox, right, Like,
(43:14):
that's what I want to build for her her own
knowing that life is hard, it is scary, and I
wish that I had any tools, Like I didn't even
start gathering my tools so I was like twenty five,
and just to instill them early and on is really nice.
And to recognize that like night is scary, sleeping alone
is scary, all those things instead of don't be scared,
(43:35):
right like, I just let her know that that she's
safe and then also give her a tool to return
to and any mantras that work for you and your home.
Just don't be afraid to get a little bit silly
with it. And honestly it's a good one for me too.
I use it sometimes when I'm feeling scared, Okay, going
all in, I think this is such an important one
(43:55):
yesterday we went to a huge play space, and I
feel like me in my twenties is laughing at me
in my thirties because what was I doing in my
twenties going to like boozy brunches, had no idea how
to talk to kids, And me and my thirties getting older,
I'm like knees deep in a ballpit chasing a child
while like hunching over to fit in this jungle gym
(44:16):
thing whatever. And I think that the gift that I've
given to myself is like going all in. She's in
another class where the moms come and they do they
help their babies, like play on the bars and the
other thing. And like I'm on the bars with her
and I'm having the silliest time and it is really fun.
But it's only fun because like I'm all in, my
(44:37):
cell phone is tucked away, and it's like, this is
where I'm at in life as a parent. And if
you try to like be an adult and then a
full high functioning adult, the serious one and not be silly,
I think that's where the crux kind of happens. When
you go all in, you get your hands dirty. It
is super liberating and it's funny. I said to Evan,
(44:59):
like none of us wanted to be there yesterday, and
I was like I kind of liked being there, and
I'm like, yeah, I did too, And that's because like
our mindsets are like, this is where I'm at, Like
our Sundays are not about adulty things at this time.
And obviously there's something also to be said about like
just doing kid things, like that's not what I'm saying
at all, but our focus is on her, and when
(45:20):
we do do kid focused activities, we go all in
and it's really really really makes it much easier than
kind of being half in trying to also do your
work emails at the same time you get frustrated by
the kid's stuff. But if you really say to yourself,
this is the time when I'm with my child and
I'm present for it, things really shift and it's silly
(45:41):
and it's fun. And again it's just about like filling
the gaps with making this as enjoyable as possible and
reaping the benefits of the good parts, because there are
also the really hard meltdowns and all of that monitoring
urgency in your tone. This summer, I feel like we
were like peak transitioning into toddlerhood, and I was really
(46:02):
struggling with how to get things done that couldn't be
done quickly. And I have really noticed how urgency is
built into our tone. And I kind of would joke
like if I had to write a book about toddler's
which I am not an expert, so that probably will
not be happening, it would be called you can't rush
a toddler, because you cannot rush a toddler. They go
(46:23):
at their own speed. You try to rush them, you
only get set back further. So really building a lot
of space and time into things, whether it's putting shoes
on and all of that. Obviously there are times where
you have to get out the door, and there is,
but it's really built into.
Speaker 4 (46:36):
Like come on, going on one, let's do this quick,
let's go, let's go, let's go.
Speaker 3 (46:39):
And all that does is create terrible energy in my
own body and a terrible relationship to time that I
never want her to have. The times that I feel
most free in my life is when time feels spacious,
and the opposite is true when I feel rushed. Yet
oftentimes we are rushing for no reason too, just because
(47:01):
we think things are going to take a long time,
and let's just do it and get them done. But
for a toddler, like everything is part of the process,
putting the shoe on vell crewing it and so really
recognizing when urgency isn't there, how we put it in
and being mindful of that has been really helpful for me.
And it's a part of that going all in thing
is just like this is where we're at in life,
(47:23):
and so I'm going to move slower and things are
going to take more time. But I really have to
catch myself all the time with that language. Because we
live in an urgency culture. I think I'm met lastly
here is that know that they need you and we
need them. The other night, I was putting her to sleep,
and I noticed how good it felt to be next
(47:44):
to her, like the chemicals firing in my body felt
so good. And I did not sleep train, I did
not do cry it out. I have lost a lot
of sleep over the last couple of years. And nothing
to be said about if you did do that and
your home, you know, however it works for you. But
I started to just really realize that I'm so glad
(48:06):
that so many of the things the books and the
experts told me to do.
Speaker 2 (48:10):
I didn't do both for me and for her.
Speaker 3 (48:12):
I think that mothers miss out a lot of the
times on the good parts of parenting because of societies,
norms and things that we have to do. The sleep
conversation in particular, when a lot of our rebalancing of
hormones and neurotransmitters really come through being in close proximity
to our children. And so I just want to encourage anybody,
(48:38):
whatever stage you're in, to really tune into how your
body responds to the things that you're doing and you're
not doing, and that applies to sleep or any topics.
If anything that you're doing feels weird in your body
or your mind, take a step back and recognize there
might be a better way to do it, a better way,
(48:59):
an easier way, more fulfilling way, a way that feels
better for you.
Speaker 2 (49:02):
That's what I mean.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
And it really takes zooming out a lot because we
want to raise children wonderfully, and we defer to experts
for a lot of things, but the true expert lies
in each and every one of us. Knowing that our
children are unique, We are unique, Your situation is unique,
your home is unique, Your dynamics are unique, your living
(49:25):
situations are unique. Everything is different, and there is not
a one size fits all. So doing what is best
for you. Even if everything I said in this episode
does not resonate with you, then that might not be
right for you for your child where they're development mentally,
at where they're cognitively at. But I just wanted to
share things that I feel like have really helped me
(49:48):
lean into the hard parts of toddlerism. Has been really
soaking in the joys that come with them too, and
looking back at all the things that I used to
do and all the energy that I needlessly expended really
comes to mind. I think respectful and joyful parenting really
comes from being more of an observer. The last thing
(50:10):
that I forgot to say is the importance of independent play.
It's something that I'm working on more here. Especially. It's
a little bit harder because Solly is an only child,
and when her grandparents come over i'm with her. I
always think like she needs to be entertained or played with.
But there's something really beautiful, as may Randlea has taught
me and important about independent play. Setting them up with
something safe to do and having time for yourself and
(50:34):
letting them know that you're here doing that if they
need anything, but also giving them, you know, space to
do so themselves. I think it just goes back again
into that idea of children need to be entertained, when
really this is such a beautiful time for imagination and
exploration and non interference by way of adults. So those
are my thoughts. I probably annoyed a lot of you
(50:56):
because I know toddler life is really exhausting for a
lot of people, and perhaps hearing that I enjoy it
and love it most of the times annoys you the
way maybe when I wish that I was really good
with babies the way other people, you know, other people
just naturally were. But however, this lands. Thanks for listening,
Thanks for being part of the truthiest life and helping
(51:16):
me get over my own obstacles, for recording things that
just feel good. Things do not have to be perfect,
but I believe if they come from the heart and
the soul and the moment that you are feeling that
energetic rise which I was today, you pour it do
onto the universe and hopefully it just makes somebody's life
a little bit better. Thanks all for listening, and I'll
see you back here on the truthiest life.
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