January 31, 2025 • 15 mins
We’ve had a beautiful month of January Jumpstart episodes. We chatted with Yolo Akili about building community, with Attorney Aimee Griffin about cementing our legacy through estate planning, and much more. But what better way to close out the series than by hearing directly from you, our community?
Today, we’re diving into two thoughtful questions, and I’m here to share insights that may connect with many of you.
The first is about cleanliness—what happens when you didn’t grow up in a tidy household and now feel shame around organizing and keeping your space clean?
The second is about leveling up—how do you manage the frustration of wanting to grow each year but feeling like you’re falling short?
If you've got a question, we'd love to hear it. Drop us a voice note at memo.fm/therapyforblackgirls and let us know what’s on your mind. We just might answer your question on the podcast!
About the Podcast
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
Resources & Announcements
Grab your copy of Sisterhood Heals.
Vote for Therapy for Black Girls in the Best Lifestyle/Self-Help Podcast category of the NAACP Image Awards!
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Is there a topic you'd like covered on the podcast? Submit it at therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox.
If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out the directory at https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/directory.
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Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Maya Cole Howard
Senior Producer: Ellice Ellis
Producer: Tyree Rush
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy Hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for a special bonus episode of the
Therapy for Black Girls podcast. We'll jump right into our
conversation after a word from our sponsors. We're so honored
to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle and Self Help
Podcast category at the fifty six annual NAACP Image Awards,
(01:18):
but we cannot win without your support. Please take a
second to go to vote dot Naacpimage Awards dot net
and vote for Therapy for Black Girls. We've had a
beautiful month of January jumpstart episodes. We chatted with you
a little Achille about building community.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I know you probably see this also the community cultivate,
like you know, everybody, I don't want nobody in my business.
Everybody gotta be in all your business. But sometimes in
this culture of instagram perfectionism, we're trying to always project
this image that it's not real. We're trying to like
hide behind an image, and if that image becomes a
prison where we cannot connect authentic level people we care about.
We're so afraid black people seeing our blemishes and our
(02:01):
flaws or the reality is those things make us beautiful.
But in order for people to really care for us,
we felt lean into the fear of being cared for
and the fear of being seen, which a lot of
us have. Right, we got the nice pictures up, but
who am I.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Really with Attorney Amy Griffin about cementing our legacy through
estate planning?
Speaker 3 (02:23):
What I think about is state planning is pulling in
your life insurance, your philanthropic work, and all that kind
of stuff to decide what is the legacy that you
want to leave. Because if you have a great life
insurance policy and leave it to someone who doesn't unter
manage money, or someone who has sevens abuse issues, or
no matter what it is if there is a structure
and support to create multi generational wealth. It's just often
(02:46):
sometimes it's not just the best blessing, it's a detriment.
I tell people all the time, I'm a professional pessimist
because I've seen what can go wrong. We've seen those
lottery wedding shows where those people at the end of
the show they have nothing or what we know is
and inheritance is a lot like a lottery way. If
you don't have a structure and a plan and support
(03:07):
system in place, or the right people with the right
knowledge base and place, what's going to happen? It'll just
be honest.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Well, what better way to close out the series than
by hearing directly from you, our community. Today We're diving
into two thoughtful questions, and I'm here to share some
insights that just might connect with many of you. The
first question is about cleanliness. What happens when you didn't
grow up in a tidy household and now feel shame
(03:37):
around organizing and keeping your space clean. The second is
about leveling up. How do you manage the frustration of
wanting to grow each year but feeling like you're falling short.
Great questions, right If something resonates with you, we love
to hear it. Please share your feedback with us on
social media using the hashtag TVG and session and let's
(04:01):
get into it. So here's our first question. Like I mentioned,
it's about cleanliness.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
Hi, doctor Joy, I'm really curious about how young people,
especially people who grew up maybe in a household they
didn't feel was very clean, could maybe learn how to
be more organized or clean in the new year. I
know I've been working really hard on this and I've
experienced a lot of shame around not feeling like I
am where I'm supposed to be. But I do think
(04:31):
that this is probably a more common issue than we think.
So maybe talking about how to stop the shame feeling
around this, and then also any tips for developing systems
that you know, taking the baby steps to be more
of an organized or clean home in the future.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
So when I hear this question, my immediate thought and
something that I really want you to hold on to,
is that shame is not at all a helpful motive.
So shame does a really good job of making us
feel lousy about ourselves, but it doesn't actually cause us
to really get up and move right, Like it is
(05:09):
not actually helpful in us changing our behavior. So any
shame that you are feeling related to this or anybody
else holding onto shame related to something, it does us
a great job of making you feel lousy, not so
good about actually making you change anything. The second thing
that I want to say is that there is no
shame in you not knowing a skill that nobody taught you.
(05:32):
And so we are all allowed to be bad at
things that we are beginning to do, and it is
okay to find the resources and get the help that
you need to learn this new skill. So when you
feel this shame coming up for yourself, I want you
to just notice that it's there, right, just like any
other emotion. When you feel the shame, just notice like hmm,
(05:54):
there's that thing again. But work really hard not to
judge it, because that is where the spot happens. Right
Like now I feel bad about myself. Now, I don't
want to do anything, and so try really hard to
just notice the shame without making any judgments about it.
So now for some like practical steps about getting started
with cleaning. So if you have the budget for it,
(06:16):
I think it could be great to work with a
professional organizer who could maybe help you to get your
space straight and then maybe it's something that is easier
for you to maintain. Something else that you may want
to explore is actually hiring someone to clean the house
for you and then paying attention and like making notes
of what they're actually doing so that you can then
(06:36):
learn how to clean on your own. I think that
those could both be great strategies if you have the
budget for it. Something else that could be a great
idea is to look at social media resources. So I
often see what's called clean talk, so lots of people
sharing videos and tips about how to get started with
cleaning your house. Now, do make sure that you find
(06:57):
videos that are for beginners, right, Like a lot of
what I see is like an advance level kind of thing.
But you can find some videos that are likely beginner friendly,
and if not on social media, definitely on YouTube. If
you just search how to get started with house cleaning
or house cleaning one oh one, I am sure that
it will pull up some very helpful resources for you.
(07:18):
Something else that we have practiced in the Sister Circle
that may be a good idea for you too is
to have an accountability buddy. So sometimes we will get
on Zoom for an hour and everybody is cleaning like
their own individual spaces, And so just this idea of
kind of coworking can sometimes be good to just kind
of have a little bit of company while everybody's doing
(07:39):
their own individual things. So if you have a friend
who will get on Zoom for you and get on
FaceTime with you and just both of you clean at
the same time, that could also be a great way
to just incentivize cleaning for you. But again, I just
really want you to hold on to the idea that
there is no shame in not knowing some skill. It
is a skill just like anything else that you can
(08:00):
get better at. But I think the first step is
you recognizing that this is something that you want to
do a better job of, and then going and finding
the resources to get better. I hope that helps. Thank
you for your question. More from our conversation after the break.
(08:21):
We're so honored to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle
and Self Help Podcast category at the fifty six annual
NAACP Image Awards, but we cannot win without your support.
Please take a second to go to vote dot NAACP
Image Awards dot net and vote for therapy for Black girls.
Speaker 5 (08:44):
Hey, doctor Joy, I've just had a question about with
each new year, you know, there's always this idea of
trying to level up or trying to better yourself and improve,
and everyone always goes in with the best, well intentioned,
But what happens or what should you do if you're
(09:05):
not leveling up? E cheer if you feel like you're
continually missing the mark or having years where things don't
go as planned. You know they always say that we
make plans and God laughs, but what do you do
if that keeps happening for you year over year over year? Thanks?
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Okay, So our second question, as you heard, is all
about leveling up. So my fighty senses immediately went off
when I hear this idea of leveling up, and I
keep missing the mark because my first question is who
decided what the level up looks like? Right? Like? What
measuring stick are you actually using to identify whether success
(09:51):
is happening? And so a lot of times I think
this level up that many of us may be working
for or thinking about doesn't happen because we are one
using unrealistic standards, or we are trying to achieve a
goal that isn't really in alignment with who we are,
and we are just trying to go after what we
(10:11):
think we should have at a certain stage, or what
we see other people have, and so we kind of
throw ourselves into a tizzy thinking like I got to
go after this thing. But then it's really hard to
keep up any momentum or really see any success because
it may not actually be anything that we are super
excited about anyway, or it could be something that is
just super unrealistic. So first, I want you to do
(10:34):
some assessment about whether this is actually a goal you
were interested in, something that feels in alignment with like
who you are and your values, and decide, Okay, is
this something that I really want to do? And if
that's the case, then I want you to make sure
that you are setting actionable steps to achieve the goal, right,
(10:55):
because goals are not really effective if you don't break
them down into small steps. So let's say you decided
that she wanted to go back to school to get
a master's degree. Well, you're not just going to show
up for class on Monday without doing anything else, right, Like,
there's a whole process involved. You have to study for
an interest exam, you have to complete the application, you
(11:18):
have to do an interview, Like there are all these
steps that go into this larger goal, but a lot
of times we are just starting at the end of
the process as opposed to breaking it down into actionable steps.
So once you've identified that whatever this level of whatever
this goal is for yourself, I want you to make
sure that you're breaking it down into smaller steps. Next,
(11:38):
I want you to see what additional resources you might
need to actually level up. So when I hear you
say that I'm missing the mark, it makes me think like, hmm,
is there some additional resource that she needs? Is there
some kind of mentorship that she needs? Like what is
the misstep there? Again, after you've decided that it is
(11:58):
an alignment, may be the missing piece, and so maybe
there is a resource that you need. Maybe there is
some additional help that you either have not identified yet
or you've been afraid to ask for, right, because a
lot of times we think, oh, I'm very capable, I
should just know to do this, right, I should just
know how to do this. When you may know how
to do it, but there are likely other people who
(12:20):
are steps ahead of you, who may be a great
resource for you, but you just haven't taken the opportunity
to ask. So that's the next thing that I would wonder,
is there a resource or somebody or something that could
help you in making this level of happen for yourself. Also,
I want to say, I don't want you to lose
(12:41):
what the past five years have been like for so
many of us. Right, so we think about the backdrop
of the past five years in terms of the pandemic
and politics and just so many world tragedies, it can
be really hard to feel excited about goals or to
you know, think about, okay, this next level up when
(13:03):
really just existing it feels like it's a miracle these days.
And so I do want to make sure that you
are showing yourself the appropriate level of grace and compassion
because the past couple of years have been really, really hard,
and so if that has been the case for you,
then that may be why this level up is feeling
more difficult, because you're actually working against so many more
(13:26):
stressors and so many more barriers that maybe you wouldn't
have had if it weren't the past five years. That's
something else I want you to keep in mind as well.
If you want to send us another message and give
us more information where details about what you are thinking
this level up can look like, and there's some things
that we can help or maybe we open it up
to the wider community about ideas that they can share
(13:48):
to help you with the level of We definitely would
love to do that, so send us another message if
you'd like. But I do hope that this gives you
some place to start so that you can figure out
what the level up looks like for you if it
is in alignment. But thank you so much for your question,
and do take good care well. I love hearing from
you all. I love being able to give you some
(14:10):
feedback that may help you to re examine a question
that you have or to think about something in a
way that may be different than you thought. So if
you love this episode and you want to hear your
question perhaps answered on a future episode of the podcast,
do drop us a line so you can send us
a voice note at Memo dot fm slash therapy for
(14:31):
Black Girls. Again, that is mimo emo dot fm slash
Therapy for Black Girls. We'll include that in the show
notes as well. Leave us a message asking a question
and you just might hear it answered here on the podcast.
If you love this and you want to share this
with your circle, don't forget to text this and send
it to two of your girls right now so that
(14:52):
they also can check it out. And if you're looking
for a therapist in your area, if a part of
your twenty twenty five plans include working with a therapist,
then do check out our therapist directory at Therapy for
Blackgirls dot com slash directory. This episode was produced by
Alice Ellis and Tyree Rush and editing was done by
Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me,
(15:13):
and we will see you again next Wednesday for our
next episode. Take good care,
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy Hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for a special bonus episode of the
Therapy for Black Girls podcast. We'll jump right into our
conversation after a word from our sponsors. We're so honored
to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle and Self Help
Podcast category at the fifty six annual NAACP Image Awards,
(01:18):
but we cannot win without your support. Please take a
second to go to vote dot Naacpimage Awards dot net
and vote for Therapy for Black Girls. We've had a
beautiful month of January jumpstart episodes. We chatted with you
a little Achille about building community.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I know you probably see this also the community cultivate,
like you know, everybody, I don't want nobody in my business.
Everybody gotta be in all your business. But sometimes in
this culture of instagram perfectionism, we're trying to always project
this image that it's not real. We're trying to like
hide behind an image, and if that image becomes a
prison where we cannot connect authentic level people we care about.
We're so afraid black people seeing our blemishes and our
(02:01):
flaws or the reality is those things make us beautiful.
But in order for people to really care for us,
we felt lean into the fear of being cared for
and the fear of being seen, which a lot of
us have. Right, we got the nice pictures up, but
who am I.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Really with Attorney Amy Griffin about cementing our legacy through
estate planning?
Speaker 3 (02:23):
What I think about is state planning is pulling in
your life insurance, your philanthropic work, and all that kind
of stuff to decide what is the legacy that you
want to leave. Because if you have a great life
insurance policy and leave it to someone who doesn't unter
manage money, or someone who has sevens abuse issues, or
no matter what it is if there is a structure
and support to create multi generational wealth. It's just often
(02:46):
sometimes it's not just the best blessing, it's a detriment.
I tell people all the time, I'm a professional pessimist
because I've seen what can go wrong. We've seen those
lottery wedding shows where those people at the end of
the show they have nothing or what we know is
and inheritance is a lot like a lottery way. If
you don't have a structure and a plan and support
(03:07):
system in place, or the right people with the right
knowledge base and place, what's going to happen? It'll just
be honest.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Well, what better way to close out the series than
by hearing directly from you, our community. Today We're diving
into two thoughtful questions, and I'm here to share some
insights that just might connect with many of you. The
first question is about cleanliness. What happens when you didn't
grow up in a tidy household and now feel shame
(03:37):
around organizing and keeping your space clean. The second is
about leveling up. How do you manage the frustration of
wanting to grow each year but feeling like you're falling short.
Great questions, right If something resonates with you, we love
to hear it. Please share your feedback with us on
social media using the hashtag TVG and session and let's
(04:01):
get into it. So here's our first question. Like I mentioned,
it's about cleanliness.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
Hi, doctor Joy, I'm really curious about how young people,
especially people who grew up maybe in a household they
didn't feel was very clean, could maybe learn how to
be more organized or clean in the new year. I
know I've been working really hard on this and I've
experienced a lot of shame around not feeling like I
am where I'm supposed to be. But I do think
(04:31):
that this is probably a more common issue than we think.
So maybe talking about how to stop the shame feeling
around this, and then also any tips for developing systems
that you know, taking the baby steps to be more
of an organized or clean home in the future.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
So when I hear this question, my immediate thought and
something that I really want you to hold on to,
is that shame is not at all a helpful motive.
So shame does a really good job of making us
feel lousy about ourselves, but it doesn't actually cause us
to really get up and move right, Like it is
(05:09):
not actually helpful in us changing our behavior. So any
shame that you are feeling related to this or anybody
else holding onto shame related to something, it does us
a great job of making you feel lousy, not so
good about actually making you change anything. The second thing
that I want to say is that there is no
shame in you not knowing a skill that nobody taught you.
(05:32):
And so we are all allowed to be bad at
things that we are beginning to do, and it is
okay to find the resources and get the help that
you need to learn this new skill. So when you
feel this shame coming up for yourself, I want you
to just notice that it's there, right, just like any
other emotion. When you feel the shame, just notice like hmm,
(05:54):
there's that thing again. But work really hard not to
judge it, because that is where the spot happens. Right
Like now I feel bad about myself. Now, I don't
want to do anything, and so try really hard to
just notice the shame without making any judgments about it.
So now for some like practical steps about getting started
with cleaning. So if you have the budget for it,
(06:16):
I think it could be great to work with a
professional organizer who could maybe help you to get your
space straight and then maybe it's something that is easier
for you to maintain. Something else that you may want
to explore is actually hiring someone to clean the house
for you and then paying attention and like making notes
of what they're actually doing so that you can then
(06:36):
learn how to clean on your own. I think that
those could both be great strategies if you have the
budget for it. Something else that could be a great
idea is to look at social media resources. So I
often see what's called clean talk, so lots of people
sharing videos and tips about how to get started with
cleaning your house. Now, do make sure that you find
(06:57):
videos that are for beginners, right, Like a lot of
what I see is like an advance level kind of thing.
But you can find some videos that are likely beginner friendly,
and if not on social media, definitely on YouTube. If
you just search how to get started with house cleaning
or house cleaning one oh one, I am sure that
it will pull up some very helpful resources for you.
(07:18):
Something else that we have practiced in the Sister Circle
that may be a good idea for you too is
to have an accountability buddy. So sometimes we will get
on Zoom for an hour and everybody is cleaning like
their own individual spaces, And so just this idea of
kind of coworking can sometimes be good to just kind
of have a little bit of company while everybody's doing
(07:39):
their own individual things. So if you have a friend
who will get on Zoom for you and get on
FaceTime with you and just both of you clean at
the same time, that could also be a great way
to just incentivize cleaning for you. But again, I just
really want you to hold on to the idea that
there is no shame in not knowing some skill. It
is a skill just like anything else that you can
(08:00):
get better at. But I think the first step is
you recognizing that this is something that you want to
do a better job of, and then going and finding
the resources to get better. I hope that helps. Thank
you for your question. More from our conversation after the break.
(08:21):
We're so honored to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle
and Self Help Podcast category at the fifty six annual
NAACP Image Awards, but we cannot win without your support.
Please take a second to go to vote dot NAACP
Image Awards dot net and vote for therapy for Black girls.
Speaker 5 (08:44):
Hey, doctor Joy, I've just had a question about with
each new year, you know, there's always this idea of
trying to level up or trying to better yourself and improve,
and everyone always goes in with the best, well intentioned,
But what happens or what should you do if you're
(09:05):
not leveling up? E cheer if you feel like you're
continually missing the mark or having years where things don't
go as planned. You know they always say that we
make plans and God laughs, but what do you do
if that keeps happening for you year over year over year? Thanks?
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Okay, So our second question, as you heard, is all
about leveling up. So my fighty senses immediately went off
when I hear this idea of leveling up, and I
keep missing the mark because my first question is who
decided what the level up looks like? Right? Like? What
measuring stick are you actually using to identify whether success
(09:51):
is happening? And so a lot of times I think
this level up that many of us may be working
for or thinking about doesn't happen because we are one
using unrealistic standards, or we are trying to achieve a
goal that isn't really in alignment with who we are,
and we are just trying to go after what we
(10:11):
think we should have at a certain stage, or what
we see other people have, and so we kind of
throw ourselves into a tizzy thinking like I got to
go after this thing. But then it's really hard to
keep up any momentum or really see any success because
it may not actually be anything that we are super
excited about anyway, or it could be something that is
just super unrealistic. So first, I want you to do
(10:34):
some assessment about whether this is actually a goal you
were interested in, something that feels in alignment with like
who you are and your values, and decide, Okay, is
this something that I really want to do? And if
that's the case, then I want you to make sure
that you are setting actionable steps to achieve the goal, right,
(10:55):
because goals are not really effective if you don't break
them down into small steps. So let's say you decided
that she wanted to go back to school to get
a master's degree. Well, you're not just going to show
up for class on Monday without doing anything else, right, Like,
there's a whole process involved. You have to study for
an interest exam, you have to complete the application, you
(11:18):
have to do an interview, Like there are all these
steps that go into this larger goal, but a lot
of times we are just starting at the end of
the process as opposed to breaking it down into actionable steps.
So once you've identified that whatever this level of whatever
this goal is for yourself, I want you to make
sure that you're breaking it down into smaller steps. Next,
(11:38):
I want you to see what additional resources you might
need to actually level up. So when I hear you
say that I'm missing the mark, it makes me think like, hmm,
is there some additional resource that she needs? Is there
some kind of mentorship that she needs? Like what is
the misstep there? Again, after you've decided that it is
(11:58):
an alignment, may be the missing piece, and so maybe
there is a resource that you need. Maybe there is
some additional help that you either have not identified yet
or you've been afraid to ask for, right, because a
lot of times we think, oh, I'm very capable, I
should just know to do this, right, I should just
know how to do this. When you may know how
to do it, but there are likely other people who
(12:20):
are steps ahead of you, who may be a great
resource for you, but you just haven't taken the opportunity
to ask. So that's the next thing that I would wonder,
is there a resource or somebody or something that could
help you in making this level of happen for yourself. Also,
I want to say, I don't want you to lose
(12:41):
what the past five years have been like for so
many of us. Right, so we think about the backdrop
of the past five years in terms of the pandemic
and politics and just so many world tragedies, it can
be really hard to feel excited about goals or to
you know, think about, okay, this next level up when
(13:03):
really just existing it feels like it's a miracle these days.
And so I do want to make sure that you
are showing yourself the appropriate level of grace and compassion
because the past couple of years have been really, really hard,
and so if that has been the case for you,
then that may be why this level up is feeling
more difficult, because you're actually working against so many more
(13:26):
stressors and so many more barriers that maybe you wouldn't
have had if it weren't the past five years. That's
something else I want you to keep in mind as well.
If you want to send us another message and give
us more information where details about what you are thinking
this level up can look like, and there's some things
that we can help or maybe we open it up
to the wider community about ideas that they can share
(13:48):
to help you with the level of We definitely would
love to do that, so send us another message if
you'd like. But I do hope that this gives you
some place to start so that you can figure out
what the level up looks like for you if it
is in alignment. But thank you so much for your question,
and do take good care well. I love hearing from
you all. I love being able to give you some
(14:10):
feedback that may help you to re examine a question
that you have or to think about something in a
way that may be different than you thought. So if
you love this episode and you want to hear your
question perhaps answered on a future episode of the podcast,
do drop us a line so you can send us
a voice note at Memo dot fm slash therapy for
(14:31):
Black Girls. Again, that is mimo emo dot fm slash
Therapy for Black Girls. We'll include that in the show
notes as well. Leave us a message asking a question
and you just might hear it answered here on the podcast.
If you love this and you want to share this
with your circle, don't forget to text this and send
it to two of your girls right now so that
(14:52):
they also can check it out. And if you're looking
for a therapist in your area, if a part of
your twenty twenty five plans include working with a therapist,
then do check out our therapist directory at Therapy for
Blackgirls dot com slash directory. This episode was produced by
Alice Ellis and Tyree Rush and editing was done by
Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me,
(15:13):
and we will see you again next Wednesday for our
next episode. Take good care,
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