February 19, 2025 • 33 mins
Relationships and freedom—can they truly coexist? This episode from our archives revisits a powerful discussion sparked by a question from our community: How do you navigate the idea of losing some of your freedom in a relationship?
In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Maria Dominguez, LMFT, also known as Dr. D. Together, we unpack what it means to navigate freedom in relationships, how to define what freedom looks like for you, and the key conversations to have while dating that can provide clarity. We also explore how to build a relationship culture that evolves with the many changes you and your partner will experience over time.
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The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session three ninety nine of the
for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our conversation
after a word from our sponsors. Relationships and freedom can
they truly coexist? This episode from our archives revisits a
(01:20):
powerful discussion sparked by a question from our community, how
do you navigate the idea of losing some of your
freedom in a relationship? In this episode, I'm joined by
doctor Maria de Menuez, LMFT, also known as doctor D. Together,
we unpack what it means to navigate freedom and relationships,
how to define what freedom looks like for you and
(01:42):
the key conversations to have while dating that can provide clarity.
We also explored how to build a relationship culture that
evolves with the many changes you and your partner will
experience over time. If something resonates with you while enjoying
our conversation, please share with us on social media using
the hash TVG in session. Here's our conversation. Well, thank
(02:07):
you so much for joining us today, doctor Dominguez.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Thank you for having me. I am so excited to
be here. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
So we have been having a very riveting, I would say,
conversation over in the Instagram comments. So we posted a
question last week, and our new features help us a
start out, and that's where audience or community members can
kind of submit a question or a topic they want
to discuss with the collective and have people weigh in
on it. And so one of the questions last week
was about how do you maintain your sense of freedom
(02:37):
while being in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
And needless to.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Say, the comments section has been jumping and so you
shared beautifully, which is why I wanted you to come
on the podcast to talk more about this, because it
definitely feels like something is happening right that people are
feeling that were at least a lot of people who
commented or feeling that their sense of freedom is in
some way threatened by the possibility of being in a relationship.
(03:04):
So I just want to hear your thoughts on what
you kind of think maybe shaping this kind of of
a conversation and narrative that people are holding on to.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Absolutely. First, I'll share from my own personal, individual perspective,
and then I'll go out And what I shared in
the comments was my own experience, right because I am
in a relationship. I've been married for nine years and
we've known each other since high school, so it's like
a fifteen year marriage. And I was sharing about how throughout,
(03:33):
you know, through those fifteen years, you do a lot
of changing, Like I'm definitely not the same sixteen year
old or seventeen year old that met him, and through
those years, like different changes come and the response to
those changes differ. Some of those changes were welcomed, you know,
it was welcome with open arms, and like yes, other
of those changes got decided like where is this coming from?
(03:55):
You know, who are you? And so for myself, one
thing that I realize I got confused with this whole
idea of freedom was expecting or kind of anticipating the
person's support to be necessary for me to move forward
with that. And so what liberated me and my process
(04:17):
was realizing, like, the reason we even work is because
we compliment each other, and we compliment each other because
we're different people, we have different perspectives, and at times
that's exactly what I need. At other times, like I
want us to be working in unison, but sometimes I
like using the metaphor of like being singing in unison
(04:39):
versus singing in harmony, And sometimes that harmony is so
much more beautiful. But to have that harmony, you do
need to learn how to marry that difference together. And
so understanding that when I do not receive the support
that I want or that I long for or that
I anticipate, it is up to me to know how
(05:00):
who look inward and understand, Okay, why do I want
to do this? Why do I feel so strongly? What
is it that you know my intuition is guiding me
to do? And how can I do it? How can
I encourage myself? How can I support myself even if
I'm not getting that support need met by this particular person.
You know, I can reach out and have that met
(05:20):
by a family member or by a friend, or by
someone in my spiritual community. And so that's kind of
what was really important for me at that individual level.
And yeah, my understanding of freedom and a relationship and
a lot of people seeing the resonate with that.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And I love this whole part of
you kind of turning internally right and kind of reflecting
for yourself, like, Okay, what is it that I am
looking for? And so I'm wondering, you know, what can
you share with maybe other people about.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
How to do that internal process?
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Oh yeah, so I for myself and I know a
lot of other people. Journaling is big, and journaling in
the way in which you're asking yourself questions. Because when
you ask yourself a question, just the way a brain
is wired, like, it automatically starts creating some kind of solution.
And when we're writing it out or whether you're doing
(06:16):
a video journal or audio journal, like, then your brain,
you know, it tries to put the pieces together and
it usually brings some kind of revelation to you. And
so writing has been very important in my healing and
liberating process. But I know for other people that I've
worked with or I speak with, using music or using
(06:37):
some kind of creative process to express what it is
that they're feeling or going through really helps them to
be able to uncover that. But it's about like recognizing
and sitting with whatever it is you're feeling. So if
you're feeling that, like that discomfort of I'm feeling trapped
or I'm feeling contrained, like, don't brush it off. I
(06:59):
know for myself sometimes in the past I would just
be like, well, you know, that's Mary Vife for you. No,
not necessarily, it doesn't have to be that way. So
where is this coming from? What is it that I'm
feeling uncomfortable? And really discovering that and bringing that to
the surface, because once you understand what the core is,
then you could deal with it so much more effectively.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
So I would imagine that there may be some people
listening who are thinking, whoa is this how I'm feeling? Like?
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Am I feeling like my freedom is being threatened?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
So can you give us some ideas about like how
would you even know if this is something that you're
struggling with.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Resentment is a very good warning sign. So if you're
starting to feel resentment, then that that's probably a sign that, yeah,
that there might be some some feelings of a loss
of freedom there.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Got it.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Yeah, And that resentment I think can speak to a
lot of different things, right, Like I think we've even
talked about on the podcast how that resentment is a
warning sign of like a needing to tighten up on
boundary are you know, lots of different things kind of
pop up as resentment. So I definitely agree that you're
feeling resentment. There's a need to kind of look at
what's happening there.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yes, And then those feelings we touched on it a
little bit earlier of like of being tracked or even
the idea that another person being involved then means that
you somehow have a little bit less power or a
little bit less privilege. And that's not necessarily the case
unless we allow it to be so.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
And so I'm wondering if there are any kinds of
things that you can be on the lookout for, or
are there questions that you can ask maybe in the
dating relationship that will kind of give you a sign
about what this might look like in a long term
relationship between you and someone else.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Oh, that's a good question, and I definitely think that
both of you talking about what your expectations are right.
And so I remember someone in the comments was talking
about what does that freedom actually mean? Does it mean
that you want to go out and stay out late?
Does it mean that you want to do this? Want
to do that? So, like in the dating relationship, have
(09:06):
clear expectations, Like a lot of the times when I'm
doing my couple's therapy, it's that mismatch of expectations that
was never discussed earlier on in the relationship that presents
itself later on. So expectations about what's appropriate or inappropriate
when it comes to building relationships with people of other sexes,
(09:27):
or what they believe to be inappropriate when it comes
to what's forgivable or what's not forgivable, or when divorce
can be put on the table or not put on
the table, or all of these things. Even money, what's appropriate?
How involved are we going to be in each other's finances?
Like all of these things and expectations. A lot of
(09:48):
the times we just assume that our partner thinks the
way that we do, and it's not until we're confronted
with that difference then we realize there's a totally different
way of looking at this.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Yeah, And I think a lot of that pre work
is really important because there are some things that you
just don't even imagine will come up in partnership and
you're like, whoa, where did that come from? And it
kind of comes from, you know, not discussing some of
these really important topics that I think are important to
talk about kind of early on in a partnership.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Yeah. Yeah, I like the idea of even discussing, like,
what is this evolution going to look like? Because sometimes
people expect that how this relationship started, this is how
it's going to look like for the next ten, fifteen, twenty,
twenty plus years, and taking into account and maybe even
(10:38):
you know, discussing with each other like what does that
change look like? And how are we going to nurture
support or not when those changes come up, because we
do change over the years, and how do we meet
our partners still lovingly and embracing those.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
Changes more from our conversation after the break.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Mm hmm. And I want to dig into that a
little bit more, doctor D because I feel like that
is really hard, especially when we ourselves don't always know
how we're going to change, like in the next ten years, right,
Like things happen, your interest change, and you know, so
the commitment that you made early on in the partnership
may look very different ten years in, right, And so
(11:33):
how do you navigate that?
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Cause?
Speaker 1 (11:35):
I feel like in some ways, like some changes are small, right,
like you change your hair.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
Or you know, something like pretty simple.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
But then there are other changes like you know, you
taking a job that requires you to travel a whole
bunch when you didn't used to, or you know, like
changes that really impact.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
The family unit in bigger ways.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
And so how do you have those kinds of conversations
and creative partnership that allows for both people to change
in those ways?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
That is? That is such a powerful question. I face
with that question a lot, especially because of the population
of people I work with and live with as a
military spouse. Often a lot of those changes occur because
it's part of the job, right. A lot of our
service members are forced to go through a lot of transitions.
(12:22):
They experience and witness a lot of trauma, and there's
a lot of isolation and loss of support systems building
up a network. But then you know, being moved to
another one, and there is a lot of that sense
of a loss of freedom because you know, you might
have to throw your five year plan out the window,
like you have no idea where you'll be living five
(12:43):
years from now, or things like that and so and
the ways in which we change and we grow up
or we may say stuff when we do experience traumatic
events that has an impact on our personality as well.
And what I found from working with military families, also
working with families that go through a lot of transition,
a lot of spouses of business women, men and women
(13:04):
that need to travel a lot, and they stay home,
or they may have chosen to put their career on
hold while they take care of the children while their
partners traveling all of those things. Then all of these
couples have to look at each other and figure out
what is still tying us all of these changes happen,
(13:24):
we change ourselves, but how do we still stay connected?
And that answer looks very different for every couple, But
like figuring out, like what is our bond based on
and then having that acceptance that many of these other
things will change, But like our commitment to these vows,
or our spiritual connection or our attachment bond to each
(13:48):
other or our love for this is always going to
remain and I've seen that a lot of couples have
found that to be what they hold on to and
be able to cope with a lot of these other
changes in our personalities as a result of you know,
what life throws at us.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
So I think something else that happens, and you often
hear this whole expression of oh, she lost herself in
the relationship. Oh yeah, right, So I want to touch
on that a little bit and kind of talk through
like how that happens and what that looks like, because
I think that that can be something that contributes to
this waking up one days realizing like, oh my goodness,
(14:28):
like who am I in this relationship? So can you
talk a little bit about like maybe if you had
a client who came in and said, you know, five
years into this relationship and I'm realizing, I don't know
what my interests are.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I don't feel like I've lost myself in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Yeah, And a lot of times that losing themselves with
the clients and they come up and I can relate
to that feeling as well. A lot of times it's
triggered when we notice that we're not doing things that
we used to before, or we dropped habits that we
used to have, or maybe we were very career oriented
people and then we chose to stay home and take
(15:04):
care of the children or travel for a year with
our normalces, or whatever the case may be. But there
was something that we had as a priority or we
were really committed to at one point, and then we
no longer practice that or engage in that, and then
we're like, okay, now what. And so one way I
like to kind of reframe it or look at it is, Okay,
(15:27):
how do you want to recreate yourself? Who is it
that you want to be now? Because the power that
we have is the power to reinvent ourselves. So because
you know, maybe five or ten years ago you might
have really been interested in writing, but now you have
(15:47):
found that there's something else that's calling your attention, or
there's something else that you're really interested in. But again
that it's coming back to that self reflection piece is
the spending time with yourself and figuring out what is
it that I need most now and you being your
biggest advocate for having those needs met versus expecting or
(16:09):
anticipating someone or something outside you to guide you in
that direction.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
I love that information and is there a way to
really kind of tap into that for yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
So you've already mentioned journaling.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Yes, and I like bonding with other people who have
had similar experiences. So that's part of what I love
with the community that you're building, because that question itself, like,
that's not something that I've had a lot of conversations about.
But then we make these taboo topics open and we
(16:43):
connect to each other about that, and then we understand, Okay,
it's not only me, and there are other people that
have found this way to do it or that way
to do it. And so just finding a safe space,
finding community, and allowing your experience to be heard even
that process in itself, because sometimes when you say something
(17:04):
and then you hear the words actually come out of
your mouth, you're like, oh shoot, Sometimes you know it's
that conviction, or sometimes it's like, oh that's a really
good idea. You know, I want to go forward with that.
So not allowing yourself to be isolated is also really
helpful in you figuring out, Okay, what is it that
I need or how is it that I want to
move forward, so looking for community, and yeah, that also
(17:28):
helps you in that process of self reflection because we
kind of have some kind of contrast or feedback.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
So a lot of the suggestions you're offering require us
to maybe have some very difficult conversations. Anyway, we know
those are not always easy. So can you talk a
little bit about like the kind of internal work and
the kind of personal work you might need to do
either to have this conversation with somebody you're dating or
partner with, or even with yourself, Like I think sometimes
(17:56):
there's some work that needs to be done before you
can be even honest with some of the pieces of yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
I agree one hundred percent, And I love the concept
of emotional intelligence. The way I was raised, emotions were
frowned upon. I suppose it was something that you know,
it's not it's irrational, like logic, you know, came first,
and so like, I ended up reaching a point where
I would emotionally cut off or shut off right Still,
(18:24):
in many ways, I'm so grateful for the transition that
I'm sensing in our culture and society in general, but
there are still many areas where emotions are frowned upon
or they're seen as less than And so I like
the idea of emotional intelligence because our emotions are a
source of intelligence. Our emotions point to an area that
(18:45):
needs to be healed, or it points to something that
needs to be resolved, or it points to something that
needs a little bit more attention. And so if we're
feeling like we're trapped, if we're feeling like we're losing
a sense of freedom or we're lose using ourselves, that
is absolutely something that we need to pay more attention to,
that we need to listen to. And I like to
(19:07):
talk about emotions being messengers and sitting with the emotion
and trying to understand, Okay, what is it that you're
trying to communicate to me, Especially if you keep on
feeling that emotion intensely or coming to you over and
over and over again. Try to think about it as
some messenger coming to you, trying to communicate something that
(19:29):
is going to help you move forward, something that is
trying to help you be more resilient, or trying to
help you have a little bit more balance in your life.
And being able to sit with that and understand what
you're feeling and what it is that you need as
a result of that, whether that be anger or sadness
(19:50):
or feeling isolated or of a loss of freedom, all
of those things. And going through that process was how
I came to the realization about you know, me using
that support and confusing it with permission. And I realized, Okay,
yes I'd like support, of course who wouldn't. But when
I don't get it, I can still move forward with
(20:13):
what's important to me versus oh, I'm not getting support,
so I'm.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Not going to do that more for my conversation after
the break. And I think that that's the important piece, right,
And I think we talked about this on the podcast too,
just this like internal knowing in this sense of intuition,
(20:38):
and sometimes we don't pay attention to you, right, but
that really is usually a very important message for us
to actually tap into. Absolutely, yeah, And I think you
know that is the hard part of just figuring out
like how you can really pay attention to that, how
you can kind of tap into what message your intuition
is trying to give you.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Right, and literally just asking that question so you know,
whether that's a journal prompt or whether you have like
an empty chair in the room and you're like, you
know what, sit down, sit down chains or sit down
pain or sit down anger? What is it that you're
trying to tell you right now? And sometimes, you know,
stepping outside and kind of looking bigger picture, it gives
(21:23):
you that flexibility and asking that question gives your brain
the opportunity to try to find the solution for that versus.
You know, a lot of times we're just trying to
shy away from it, or trying to numb it away
or something else, but just inviting it and asking it
to reveal its message or teach you what it is
(21:45):
that's important for you to grasp or whatever the case
may be in that moment.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
And I would imagine that sometimes you know, like let's
say you've done your own work in terms of your
emotional intelligence and you're paying attention to your emotions and
what they're trying to teach you. But that may come
up against a partner who has not necessarily done that work, right,
So you're trying to have these conversations. You know, you
(22:10):
have done all the work, but then this person has not,
and so you're trying to have this conversation maybe about
how you see yourself changing and what the relationship might
look like now that you've changed, but they have not
done that work. So do you have any suggestions about,
like how to navigate that kind of a conversation.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
I was like, I saw where this is going on.
As soon as you're saying that, I was like, Lord,
it's not It's definitely not easy because just us going
through that process ourselves, it takes so much work, so
much energy, and it would be ideal, it would be
so beautiful if we could bring that that work, that
(22:50):
gift that we that diamond that we mind for, you know,
going through all that emotion and present it to our
partner and they're like appreciative of it and it knowledge
and acknowledge it in all those things. However, a lot
of times when we come into our partner, they might
still be stuck in let's just say a different level
(23:10):
of emotional intelligence, and so you are having a hard
time trying to be heard or feel understood or feel seen.
And so it's about again, when you meet that like
being very aware of how you make meaning of that.
So one way you can interpret that is, oh my gosh,
(23:31):
this person doesn't care about me. They don't love me.
Another way we could go like the name calling route,
you know, or we can respond to that in so
many different ways, but it's paying attention to, Okay, what
story am I making about their response? And so if
they respond in a way that isn't supporting you, or
(23:51):
that isn't he hearing you, or they might get really defensive,
or they might take it like you're trying to criticize
them or text them or whatever, it's about you understanding that, Okay,
we're not in a place where we're seeing eye to eye,
we're not in a place where we're understanding each other.
I see that they're operating from defensiveness, or they're operating
(24:14):
from anger, or they're you know, whatever the case may be.
But you doing the work to make sure that you
understand where you are operating from because then that that
gives you the power not to fall into into that
trap of them being reactive and like controlled or manipulated
by whatever it is that they say. And so just noticing,
(24:36):
like exactly you were mentioning the question, like they're not
in a place where they're able to hold the intensity
of the emotion or the brownness of this issue that
I'm bringing to them, right now and if you are
in the early stages of a relationship, like that's one
thing that you could pay attention to, Like how emotionally
intelligent is this person? Like is this person someone who
(24:59):
is a will to hold and process emotion or is
this someone that just tries to like dodge or numb
stuff away? Like those are good signs for you to
know whether or not this is someone that I could
work through life scrap with.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
Got it?
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Yeah, I think that is important, Like we talked about earlier,
like Okay, what are some of these questions or what
can I be paying attention to you? This is something
that you definitely can be paying attention to. Yeah, So
I think it's also important to kind of broaden the
conversation a little because we've been talking a lot about
like if I'm changing and I feel like I want
to do more in the relationship, like how do I
navigate that? But I also think that there is a
(25:38):
threat in the relationship or it often feels like a
threat when your partner is changing.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Right, So what if you wake up and.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Realize like that your partner is changing in ways that
you didn't expect, and now the threat that you experience
is like their burgeoning freedom or them wanting more freedom
in terms of the relationship.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yeah, I don't know how I feel about this because
I feel like I'm bringing it back to the self again,
because then the question that comes to my mind is
isn't that what you want unless you know it's not.
But if your spouse or your partner experiencing freedom in
the safety of a relationship, is that not a beautiful thing?
(26:19):
And so if you feel threatened by your partner expressing
themselves in a different way, or if you feel threatened
by your partner changing, where is that coming from? Are
you fearful that they may have less commitment to the relationship?
Is it bringing up something else from previous experiences? But yeah,
(26:39):
then I would be curious as to why your partner
is sparking some kind of fear of panic.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Mm hmm, yeah, that panic feeling. It feels like that
is something people can really connect to, right, And I
think paying attention to that for yourself can give you
a lot of information about the relationship and about like
how you may be both are showing up in the relationship.
That them shifting a little or you know, spreading their
wings in a little gives you.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
An internal panic feeling, right right, mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
And I think, you know, if we kind of go
back to the original question around like what our partner
may be feeling, that maybe some of it, you know,
so thinking about how you maybe would be feeling can
give you some insight into maybe how they're feeling as well.
Absolutely so, doctor de can you maybe share some characteristics
of what a relationship looks like when freedom is celebrated,
(27:31):
when there is this kind of space, like what might
that relationship look like?
Speaker 2 (27:36):
That relationship would welcome curiosity for sure, and so it
would be when one of the partners is dabbling into
something different, are they showing up, you know, with a
new traite or a new pattern, just being curious and
understanding you know what is inspiring that because a lot
of times when we do change, it is because of
(27:58):
some kind of experience that we've had or some kind
of new aha moment or insight that we went through.
And so that curiosity allows space for a new level
of intimacy. And so when we're able to connect in
that way, that's not only encouraging, like intimacy at an
(28:18):
intellectual level, it's also at an emotional level. And that
might even be open to sharing some of those new
experiences with them, so that you know that would look
like providing that support even though you may not have
chosen to do that yourself, but because your partner is
showing interest in that, just at least being curious or
(28:40):
opening open to seeing what that is about. Also just
increasing communication and again just yeah, exploring what those changes
are about and redefining what the future may look like
as a result, because in most relationships, what we envision
the relationship to look like day one is very different
(29:01):
from what we envision the relationship looking like year one, year,
five year, ten, year twenty. As we evolve, our relationships evolved,
and being able to communicate with each other openly what
we see changing in those visions also allows that freedom
to be nurtured, because if you can even feel safe,
(29:23):
then that would be goals. Right to feel safe to
talk about and just brainstorm and be open with each
other about what we could look like moving forward or
what could be represented or lived out in our relationship
would be signs of yeah, freedom being nurtured.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
Yeah, And that comment made me think about, like this,
maybe another important question or conversation to add to your
kind of early dating questionnaire, just this idea around is
it okay for people to kind of have their own
things going on that have nothing to do with their partner,
You know, so if I want to do dancing or
rock climbing or whatever, like, does every activity need to
(30:04):
be a joint kind of venture or is it okay
for both people to have interests that really have nothing
to do with the other person.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Yeah, And I think that's a beautiful description of what
freedom in a relationship could look like. It's two people,
two individual people coming together and choosing to share life together.
That choice of sharing a life together and partnering together
in life does not mean that we are choosing to
do every single activity in our waking moments together, right Like,
(30:34):
I still have my own visions, my own dreams, and
my own goals, and I still have my space in
which I explore or expand, and I still come together
with you and sharing that life together. So again, like
that concept of harmony, it could still be two different
individuals working together beautifully and everything doesn't have to be
(30:56):
in unison. And that's an excellent question as well, because
a lot of people do think that whatever we do,
we need to do it together. And if you're one
of the people that don't think that, like, that would
be good for you to get out of the way
from the beginning and be like, Okay, you know there's
somebody for you, but that may not be me.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
So what kinds of books or other resources do you
want to share, doctor D for anybody who maybe wants
to read up more about this, or maybe they're feeling
like they're struggling with some of this and want to
get more information, anything that you really love.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
I like the book The Dance of Intimacy that's by
Harriet Learner, and that is about you. It teaches you
different ways and prompts you with a lot of questions
to look inward in a way that influences your relationships.
So I would highly recommend that book and then other
just general books for things that you could do differently
(31:52):
to make sure that you're showing up intentionally in your relationships.
Batman John Batman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,
and Sue Johnson's hosting Type.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
Perfect and where can people find you online?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Doctor D?
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Your website, as well as any social media handles that
you want to share.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Yes, I am on most active on Instagram. So that's
at doctor spelled dr dot d v MFT so doctor
D the MFT on Instagram. I'm also there the same
handle on Facebook, YouTube, and my website is doctor dhd
mft dot.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Com perfect And of course all of that information will
be included in the show notes. Well, thank you so
much for sharing with us, doctor D. I really really
appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Thank you. It was my pleasure to be here.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
Once again. I'm so glad that doctor D was able
to join me for this conversation. To learn more about
her and the work she's doing. Be sure to visit
the show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash
Session three ninety nine. And don't forget that if you
have a question you'd like for me to answer on
the podcast, send me a voice note at Memo dot
fm slash Therapy for Black Girls and submitted your question
(33:05):
just might be featured next. This episode was produced by
Alas Ellis and Tyree Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford.
Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all
real soon. Take good care,
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session three ninety nine of the
for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our conversation
after a word from our sponsors. Relationships and freedom can
they truly coexist? This episode from our archives revisits a
(01:20):
powerful discussion sparked by a question from our community, how
do you navigate the idea of losing some of your
freedom in a relationship? In this episode, I'm joined by
doctor Maria de Menuez, LMFT, also known as doctor D. Together,
we unpack what it means to navigate freedom and relationships,
how to define what freedom looks like for you and
(01:42):
the key conversations to have while dating that can provide clarity.
We also explored how to build a relationship culture that
evolves with the many changes you and your partner will
experience over time. If something resonates with you while enjoying
our conversation, please share with us on social media using
the hash TVG in session. Here's our conversation. Well, thank
(02:07):
you so much for joining us today, doctor Dominguez.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Thank you for having me. I am so excited to
be here. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
So we have been having a very riveting, I would say,
conversation over in the Instagram comments. So we posted a
question last week, and our new features help us a
start out, and that's where audience or community members can
kind of submit a question or a topic they want
to discuss with the collective and have people weigh in
on it. And so one of the questions last week
was about how do you maintain your sense of freedom
(02:37):
while being in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
And needless to.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Say, the comments section has been jumping and so you
shared beautifully, which is why I wanted you to come
on the podcast to talk more about this, because it
definitely feels like something is happening right that people are
feeling that were at least a lot of people who
commented or feeling that their sense of freedom is in
some way threatened by the possibility of being in a relationship.
(03:04):
So I just want to hear your thoughts on what
you kind of think maybe shaping this kind of of
a conversation and narrative that people are holding on to.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Absolutely. First, I'll share from my own personal, individual perspective,
and then I'll go out And what I shared in
the comments was my own experience, right because I am
in a relationship. I've been married for nine years and
we've known each other since high school, so it's like
a fifteen year marriage. And I was sharing about how throughout,
(03:33):
you know, through those fifteen years, you do a lot
of changing, Like I'm definitely not the same sixteen year
old or seventeen year old that met him, and through
those years, like different changes come and the response to
those changes differ. Some of those changes were welcomed, you know,
it was welcome with open arms, and like yes, other
of those changes got decided like where is this coming from?
(03:55):
You know, who are you? And so for myself, one
thing that I realize I got confused with this whole
idea of freedom was expecting or kind of anticipating the
person's support to be necessary for me to move forward
with that. And so what liberated me and my process
(04:17):
was realizing, like, the reason we even work is because
we compliment each other, and we compliment each other because
we're different people, we have different perspectives, and at times
that's exactly what I need. At other times, like I
want us to be working in unison, but sometimes I
like using the metaphor of like being singing in unison
(04:39):
versus singing in harmony, And sometimes that harmony is so
much more beautiful. But to have that harmony, you do
need to learn how to marry that difference together. And
so understanding that when I do not receive the support
that I want or that I long for or that
I anticipate, it is up to me to know how
(05:00):
who look inward and understand, Okay, why do I want
to do this? Why do I feel so strongly? What
is it that you know my intuition is guiding me
to do? And how can I do it? How can
I encourage myself? How can I support myself even if
I'm not getting that support need met by this particular person.
You know, I can reach out and have that met
(05:20):
by a family member or by a friend, or by
someone in my spiritual community. And so that's kind of
what was really important for me at that individual level.
And yeah, my understanding of freedom and a relationship and
a lot of people seeing the resonate with that.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And I love this whole part of
you kind of turning internally right and kind of reflecting
for yourself, like, Okay, what is it that I am
looking for? And so I'm wondering, you know, what can
you share with maybe other people about.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
How to do that internal process?
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Oh yeah, so I for myself and I know a
lot of other people. Journaling is big, and journaling in
the way in which you're asking yourself questions. Because when
you ask yourself a question, just the way a brain
is wired, like, it automatically starts creating some kind of solution.
And when we're writing it out or whether you're doing
(06:16):
a video journal or audio journal, like, then your brain,
you know, it tries to put the pieces together and
it usually brings some kind of revelation to you. And
so writing has been very important in my healing and
liberating process. But I know for other people that I've
worked with or I speak with, using music or using
(06:37):
some kind of creative process to express what it is
that they're feeling or going through really helps them to
be able to uncover that. But it's about like recognizing
and sitting with whatever it is you're feeling. So if
you're feeling that, like that discomfort of I'm feeling trapped
or I'm feeling contrained, like, don't brush it off. I
(06:59):
know for myself sometimes in the past I would just
be like, well, you know, that's Mary Vife for you. No,
not necessarily, it doesn't have to be that way. So
where is this coming from? What is it that I'm
feeling uncomfortable? And really discovering that and bringing that to
the surface, because once you understand what the core is,
then you could deal with it so much more effectively.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
So I would imagine that there may be some people
listening who are thinking, whoa is this how I'm feeling? Like?
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Am I feeling like my freedom is being threatened?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
So can you give us some ideas about like how
would you even know if this is something that you're
struggling with.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Resentment is a very good warning sign. So if you're
starting to feel resentment, then that that's probably a sign that, yeah,
that there might be some some feelings of a loss
of freedom there.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Got it.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Yeah, And that resentment I think can speak to a
lot of different things, right, Like I think we've even
talked about on the podcast how that resentment is a
warning sign of like a needing to tighten up on
boundary are you know, lots of different things kind of
pop up as resentment. So I definitely agree that you're
feeling resentment. There's a need to kind of look at
what's happening there.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yes, And then those feelings we touched on it a
little bit earlier of like of being tracked or even
the idea that another person being involved then means that
you somehow have a little bit less power or a
little bit less privilege. And that's not necessarily the case
unless we allow it to be so.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
And so I'm wondering if there are any kinds of
things that you can be on the lookout for, or
are there questions that you can ask maybe in the
dating relationship that will kind of give you a sign
about what this might look like in a long term
relationship between you and someone else.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Oh, that's a good question, and I definitely think that
both of you talking about what your expectations are right.
And so I remember someone in the comments was talking
about what does that freedom actually mean? Does it mean
that you want to go out and stay out late?
Does it mean that you want to do this? Want
to do that? So, like in the dating relationship, have
(09:06):
clear expectations, Like a lot of the times when I'm
doing my couple's therapy, it's that mismatch of expectations that
was never discussed earlier on in the relationship that presents
itself later on. So expectations about what's appropriate or inappropriate
when it comes to building relationships with people of other sexes,
(09:27):
or what they believe to be inappropriate when it comes
to what's forgivable or what's not forgivable, or when divorce
can be put on the table or not put on
the table, or all of these things. Even money, what's appropriate?
How involved are we going to be in each other's finances?
Like all of these things and expectations. A lot of
(09:48):
the times we just assume that our partner thinks the
way that we do, and it's not until we're confronted
with that difference then we realize there's a totally different
way of looking at this.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Yeah, And I think a lot of that pre work
is really important because there are some things that you
just don't even imagine will come up in partnership and
you're like, whoa, where did that come from? And it
kind of comes from, you know, not discussing some of
these really important topics that I think are important to
talk about kind of early on in a partnership.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Yeah. Yeah, I like the idea of even discussing, like,
what is this evolution going to look like? Because sometimes
people expect that how this relationship started, this is how
it's going to look like for the next ten, fifteen, twenty,
twenty plus years, and taking into account and maybe even
(10:38):
you know, discussing with each other like what does that
change look like? And how are we going to nurture
support or not when those changes come up, because we
do change over the years, and how do we meet
our partners still lovingly and embracing those.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
Changes more from our conversation after the break.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Mm hmm. And I want to dig into that a
little bit more, doctor D because I feel like that
is really hard, especially when we ourselves don't always know
how we're going to change, like in the next ten years, right,
Like things happen, your interest change, and you know, so
the commitment that you made early on in the partnership
may look very different ten years in, right, And so
(11:33):
how do you navigate that?
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Cause?
Speaker 1 (11:35):
I feel like in some ways, like some changes are small, right,
like you change your hair.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
Or you know, something like pretty simple.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
But then there are other changes like you know, you
taking a job that requires you to travel a whole
bunch when you didn't used to, or you know, like
changes that really impact.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
The family unit in bigger ways.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
And so how do you have those kinds of conversations
and creative partnership that allows for both people to change
in those ways?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
That is? That is such a powerful question. I face
with that question a lot, especially because of the population
of people I work with and live with as a
military spouse. Often a lot of those changes occur because
it's part of the job, right. A lot of our
service members are forced to go through a lot of transitions.
(12:22):
They experience and witness a lot of trauma, and there's
a lot of isolation and loss of support systems building
up a network. But then you know, being moved to
another one, and there is a lot of that sense
of a loss of freedom because you know, you might
have to throw your five year plan out the window,
like you have no idea where you'll be living five
(12:43):
years from now, or things like that and so and
the ways in which we change and we grow up
or we may say stuff when we do experience traumatic
events that has an impact on our personality as well.
And what I found from working with military families, also
working with families that go through a lot of transition,
a lot of spouses of business women, men and women
(13:04):
that need to travel a lot, and they stay home,
or they may have chosen to put their career on
hold while they take care of the children while their
partners traveling all of those things. Then all of these
couples have to look at each other and figure out
what is still tying us all of these changes happen,
(13:24):
we change ourselves, but how do we still stay connected?
And that answer looks very different for every couple, But
like figuring out, like what is our bond based on
and then having that acceptance that many of these other
things will change, But like our commitment to these vows,
or our spiritual connection or our attachment bond to each
(13:48):
other or our love for this is always going to
remain and I've seen that a lot of couples have
found that to be what they hold on to and
be able to cope with a lot of these other
changes in our personalities as a result of you know,
what life throws at us.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
So I think something else that happens, and you often
hear this whole expression of oh, she lost herself in
the relationship. Oh yeah, right, So I want to touch
on that a little bit and kind of talk through
like how that happens and what that looks like, because
I think that that can be something that contributes to
this waking up one days realizing like, oh my goodness,
(14:28):
like who am I in this relationship? So can you
talk a little bit about like maybe if you had
a client who came in and said, you know, five
years into this relationship and I'm realizing, I don't know
what my interests are.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I don't feel like I've lost myself in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Yeah, And a lot of times that losing themselves with
the clients and they come up and I can relate
to that feeling as well. A lot of times it's
triggered when we notice that we're not doing things that
we used to before, or we dropped habits that we
used to have, or maybe we were very career oriented
people and then we chose to stay home and take
(15:04):
care of the children or travel for a year with
our normalces, or whatever the case may be. But there
was something that we had as a priority or we
were really committed to at one point, and then we
no longer practice that or engage in that, and then
we're like, okay, now what. And so one way I
like to kind of reframe it or look at it is, Okay,
(15:27):
how do you want to recreate yourself? Who is it
that you want to be now? Because the power that
we have is the power to reinvent ourselves. So because
you know, maybe five or ten years ago you might
have really been interested in writing, but now you have
(15:47):
found that there's something else that's calling your attention, or
there's something else that you're really interested in. But again
that it's coming back to that self reflection piece is
the spending time with yourself and figuring out what is
it that I need most now and you being your
biggest advocate for having those needs met versus expecting or
(16:09):
anticipating someone or something outside you to guide you in
that direction.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
I love that information and is there a way to
really kind of tap into that for yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
So you've already mentioned journaling.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Yes, and I like bonding with other people who have
had similar experiences. So that's part of what I love
with the community that you're building, because that question itself, like,
that's not something that I've had a lot of conversations about.
But then we make these taboo topics open and we
(16:43):
connect to each other about that, and then we understand, Okay,
it's not only me, and there are other people that
have found this way to do it or that way
to do it. And so just finding a safe space,
finding community, and allowing your experience to be heard even
that process in itself, because sometimes when you say something
(17:04):
and then you hear the words actually come out of
your mouth, you're like, oh shoot, Sometimes you know it's
that conviction, or sometimes it's like, oh that's a really
good idea. You know, I want to go forward with that.
So not allowing yourself to be isolated is also really
helpful in you figuring out, Okay, what is it that
I need or how is it that I want to
move forward, so looking for community, and yeah, that also
(17:28):
helps you in that process of self reflection because we
kind of have some kind of contrast or feedback.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
So a lot of the suggestions you're offering require us
to maybe have some very difficult conversations. Anyway, we know
those are not always easy. So can you talk a
little bit about like the kind of internal work and
the kind of personal work you might need to do
either to have this conversation with somebody you're dating or
partner with, or even with yourself, Like I think sometimes
(17:56):
there's some work that needs to be done before you
can be even honest with some of the pieces of yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
I agree one hundred percent, And I love the concept
of emotional intelligence. The way I was raised, emotions were
frowned upon. I suppose it was something that you know,
it's not it's irrational, like logic, you know, came first,
and so like, I ended up reaching a point where
I would emotionally cut off or shut off right Still,
(18:24):
in many ways, I'm so grateful for the transition that
I'm sensing in our culture and society in general, but
there are still many areas where emotions are frowned upon
or they're seen as less than And so I like
the idea of emotional intelligence because our emotions are a
source of intelligence. Our emotions point to an area that
(18:45):
needs to be healed, or it points to something that
needs to be resolved, or it points to something that
needs a little bit more attention. And so if we're
feeling like we're trapped, if we're feeling like we're losing
a sense of freedom or we're lose using ourselves, that
is absolutely something that we need to pay more attention to,
that we need to listen to. And I like to
(19:07):
talk about emotions being messengers and sitting with the emotion
and trying to understand, Okay, what is it that you're
trying to communicate to me, Especially if you keep on
feeling that emotion intensely or coming to you over and
over and over again. Try to think about it as
some messenger coming to you, trying to communicate something that
(19:29):
is going to help you move forward, something that is
trying to help you be more resilient, or trying to
help you have a little bit more balance in your life.
And being able to sit with that and understand what
you're feeling and what it is that you need as
a result of that, whether that be anger or sadness
(19:50):
or feeling isolated or of a loss of freedom, all
of those things. And going through that process was how
I came to the realization about you know, me using
that support and confusing it with permission. And I realized, Okay,
yes I'd like support, of course who wouldn't. But when
I don't get it, I can still move forward with
(20:13):
what's important to me versus oh, I'm not getting support,
so I'm.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Not going to do that more for my conversation after
the break. And I think that that's the important piece, right,
And I think we talked about this on the podcast too,
just this like internal knowing in this sense of intuition,
(20:38):
and sometimes we don't pay attention to you, right, but
that really is usually a very important message for us
to actually tap into. Absolutely, yeah, And I think you
know that is the hard part of just figuring out
like how you can really pay attention to that, how
you can kind of tap into what message your intuition
is trying to give you.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Right, and literally just asking that question so you know,
whether that's a journal prompt or whether you have like
an empty chair in the room and you're like, you
know what, sit down, sit down chains or sit down
pain or sit down anger? What is it that you're
trying to tell you right now? And sometimes, you know,
stepping outside and kind of looking bigger picture, it gives
(21:23):
you that flexibility and asking that question gives your brain
the opportunity to try to find the solution for that versus.
You know, a lot of times we're just trying to
shy away from it, or trying to numb it away
or something else, but just inviting it and asking it
to reveal its message or teach you what it is
(21:45):
that's important for you to grasp or whatever the case
may be in that moment.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
And I would imagine that sometimes you know, like let's
say you've done your own work in terms of your
emotional intelligence and you're paying attention to your emotions and
what they're trying to teach you. But that may come
up against a partner who has not necessarily done that work, right,
So you're trying to have these conversations. You know, you
(22:10):
have done all the work, but then this person has not,
and so you're trying to have this conversation maybe about
how you see yourself changing and what the relationship might
look like now that you've changed, but they have not
done that work. So do you have any suggestions about,
like how to navigate that kind of a conversation.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
I was like, I saw where this is going on.
As soon as you're saying that, I was like, Lord,
it's not It's definitely not easy because just us going
through that process ourselves, it takes so much work, so
much energy, and it would be ideal, it would be
so beautiful if we could bring that that work, that
(22:50):
gift that we that diamond that we mind for, you know,
going through all that emotion and present it to our
partner and they're like appreciative of it and it knowledge
and acknowledge it in all those things. However, a lot
of times when we come into our partner, they might
still be stuck in let's just say a different level
(23:10):
of emotional intelligence, and so you are having a hard
time trying to be heard or feel understood or feel seen.
And so it's about again, when you meet that like
being very aware of how you make meaning of that.
So one way you can interpret that is, oh my gosh,
(23:31):
this person doesn't care about me. They don't love me.
Another way we could go like the name calling route,
you know, or we can respond to that in so
many different ways, but it's paying attention to, Okay, what
story am I making about their response? And so if
they respond in a way that isn't supporting you, or
(23:51):
that isn't he hearing you, or they might get really defensive,
or they might take it like you're trying to criticize
them or text them or whatever, it's about you understanding that, Okay,
we're not in a place where we're seeing eye to eye,
we're not in a place where we're understanding each other.
I see that they're operating from defensiveness, or they're operating
(24:14):
from anger, or they're you know, whatever the case may be.
But you doing the work to make sure that you
understand where you are operating from because then that that
gives you the power not to fall into into that
trap of them being reactive and like controlled or manipulated
by whatever it is that they say. And so just noticing,
(24:36):
like exactly you were mentioning the question, like they're not
in a place where they're able to hold the intensity
of the emotion or the brownness of this issue that
I'm bringing to them, right now and if you are
in the early stages of a relationship, like that's one
thing that you could pay attention to, Like how emotionally
intelligent is this person? Like is this person someone who
(24:59):
is a will to hold and process emotion or is
this someone that just tries to like dodge or numb
stuff away? Like those are good signs for you to
know whether or not this is someone that I could
work through life scrap with.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
Got it?
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Yeah, I think that is important, Like we talked about earlier,
like Okay, what are some of these questions or what
can I be paying attention to you? This is something
that you definitely can be paying attention to. Yeah, So
I think it's also important to kind of broaden the
conversation a little because we've been talking a lot about
like if I'm changing and I feel like I want
to do more in the relationship, like how do I
navigate that? But I also think that there is a
(25:38):
threat in the relationship or it often feels like a
threat when your partner is changing.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Right, So what if you wake up and.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Realize like that your partner is changing in ways that
you didn't expect, and now the threat that you experience
is like their burgeoning freedom or them wanting more freedom
in terms of the relationship.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yeah, I don't know how I feel about this because
I feel like I'm bringing it back to the self again,
because then the question that comes to my mind is
isn't that what you want unless you know it's not.
But if your spouse or your partner experiencing freedom in
the safety of a relationship, is that not a beautiful thing?
(26:19):
And so if you feel threatened by your partner expressing
themselves in a different way, or if you feel threatened
by your partner changing, where is that coming from? Are
you fearful that they may have less commitment to the relationship?
Is it bringing up something else from previous experiences? But yeah,
(26:39):
then I would be curious as to why your partner
is sparking some kind of fear of panic.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Mm hmm, yeah, that panic feeling. It feels like that
is something people can really connect to, right, And I
think paying attention to that for yourself can give you
a lot of information about the relationship and about like
how you may be both are showing up in the relationship.
That them shifting a little or you know, spreading their
wings in a little gives you.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
An internal panic feeling, right right, mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
And I think, you know, if we kind of go
back to the original question around like what our partner
may be feeling, that maybe some of it, you know,
so thinking about how you maybe would be feeling can
give you some insight into maybe how they're feeling as well.
Absolutely so, doctor de can you maybe share some characteristics
of what a relationship looks like when freedom is celebrated,
(27:31):
when there is this kind of space, like what might
that relationship look like?
Speaker 2 (27:36):
That relationship would welcome curiosity for sure, and so it
would be when one of the partners is dabbling into
something different, are they showing up, you know, with a
new traite or a new pattern, just being curious and
understanding you know what is inspiring that because a lot
of times when we do change, it is because of
(27:58):
some kind of experience that we've had or some kind
of new aha moment or insight that we went through.
And so that curiosity allows space for a new level
of intimacy. And so when we're able to connect in
that way, that's not only encouraging, like intimacy at an
(28:18):
intellectual level, it's also at an emotional level. And that
might even be open to sharing some of those new
experiences with them, so that you know that would look
like providing that support even though you may not have
chosen to do that yourself, but because your partner is
showing interest in that, just at least being curious or
(28:40):
opening open to seeing what that is about. Also just
increasing communication and again just yeah, exploring what those changes
are about and redefining what the future may look like
as a result, because in most relationships, what we envision
the relationship to look like day one is very different
(29:01):
from what we envision the relationship looking like year one, year,
five year, ten, year twenty. As we evolve, our relationships evolved,
and being able to communicate with each other openly what
we see changing in those visions also allows that freedom
to be nurtured, because if you can even feel safe,
(29:23):
then that would be goals. Right to feel safe to
talk about and just brainstorm and be open with each
other about what we could look like moving forward or
what could be represented or lived out in our relationship
would be signs of yeah, freedom being nurtured.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
Yeah, And that comment made me think about, like this,
maybe another important question or conversation to add to your
kind of early dating questionnaire, just this idea around is
it okay for people to kind of have their own
things going on that have nothing to do with their partner,
You know, so if I want to do dancing or
rock climbing or whatever, like, does every activity need to
(30:04):
be a joint kind of venture or is it okay
for both people to have interests that really have nothing
to do with the other person.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Yeah, And I think that's a beautiful description of what
freedom in a relationship could look like. It's two people,
two individual people coming together and choosing to share life together.
That choice of sharing a life together and partnering together
in life does not mean that we are choosing to
do every single activity in our waking moments together, right Like,
(30:34):
I still have my own visions, my own dreams, and
my own goals, and I still have my space in
which I explore or expand, and I still come together
with you and sharing that life together. So again, like
that concept of harmony, it could still be two different
individuals working together beautifully and everything doesn't have to be
(30:56):
in unison. And that's an excellent question as well, because
a lot of people do think that whatever we do,
we need to do it together. And if you're one
of the people that don't think that, like, that would
be good for you to get out of the way
from the beginning and be like, Okay, you know there's
somebody for you, but that may not be me.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
So what kinds of books or other resources do you
want to share, doctor D for anybody who maybe wants
to read up more about this, or maybe they're feeling
like they're struggling with some of this and want to
get more information, anything that you really love.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
I like the book The Dance of Intimacy that's by
Harriet Learner, and that is about you. It teaches you
different ways and prompts you with a lot of questions
to look inward in a way that influences your relationships.
So I would highly recommend that book and then other
just general books for things that you could do differently
(31:52):
to make sure that you're showing up intentionally in your relationships.
Batman John Batman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,
and Sue Johnson's hosting Type.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
Perfect and where can people find you online?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Doctor D?
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Your website, as well as any social media handles that
you want to share.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Yes, I am on most active on Instagram. So that's
at doctor spelled dr dot d v MFT so doctor
D the MFT on Instagram. I'm also there the same
handle on Facebook, YouTube, and my website is doctor dhd
mft dot.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Com perfect And of course all of that information will
be included in the show notes. Well, thank you so
much for sharing with us, doctor D. I really really
appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Thank you. It was my pleasure to be here.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
Once again. I'm so glad that doctor D was able
to join me for this conversation. To learn more about
her and the work she's doing. Be sure to visit
the show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash
Session three ninety nine. And don't forget that if you
have a question you'd like for me to answer on
the podcast, send me a voice note at Memo dot
fm slash Therapy for Black Girls and submitted your question
(33:05):
just might be featured next. This episode was produced by
Alas Ellis and Tyree Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford.
Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all
real soon. Take good care,
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