May 21, 2025 • 18 mins
These days, we talk a lot about community, and for good reason. But it’s important to remember that spending time alone is just as important. So what does it actually look like to enjoy your own company? Alone time isn’t just about being by yourself, it’s about slowing down, reconnecting, and noticing what comes up when you’re not in constant dialogue with the world around you. And although for some it may be uncomfortable and a little anxiety-inducing, when done with intention it can be incredibly rewarding. That’s why today I’m excited to discuss how making space for solitude in our busy lives can help us feel more at home in ourselves.
If something resonates with you from this conversation, please share it with us on social media using the hashtag #TBGInSession. Or join us in our Patreon channel to talk more in-depth about the episode. You can join us at community.therapyforblackgirls.com.
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The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining us for session four twelve of the Therapy
for Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into our episode
after a word from our sponsors. So, when was the
last time you took yourself on a solo date. Maybe
(01:19):
you got dressed up and went to a fancy restaurant,
or maybe you just threw on some sweats and saw
your third viewing of Sinners. Either way completely valid. But
if it has been a while, or if you have
been a little anxious or leary about taking yourself on
a solo date, I hope that this episode will be
the nudgs you need to push you across that line
(01:41):
and encourage you to go ahead and do the thing.
So there are some experiences that I think we just
need to have in life that teach us lots of things.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
One of them is traveling abroad.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
So sometimes I will get asked like, oh, is there
something in your life that you would do over the
fact that I did not travel abroad as an undergrad
is one thing I would do over. So traveling abroad
is one. But the other thing that I think is
really important in terms of developing good life skills is
learning to do things by ourselves.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
And this is for a couple of reasons.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So the first one is that I think that there
are things that we learn about ourselves that can only
come when we are okay with solitude.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
When we are okay being by ourselves, we.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Learn more about who we are, what kinds of things
make us tick, what kinds of things we're really interested in,
without the filter of other people's perceptions, because I think
sometimes our idea of who we are is heavily colored
by who other people see us as or other people's interests.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
And so when you spend more time.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Alone, you get better at developing your own interests and
like really being in tune with the kinds of things
that you really enjoy. So that's the first reason. The
second reason why I think it's important to learn how
to spend more time alone is that it helps us
to develop a skill called distress tolerance. Distress tolerance is
(03:03):
exactly what it sounds like. It is learning how to
tolerate distress, and not in a staying an abusive situations
kind of way. But there are some things that will
happen in life that are unpleasant and uncomfortable and distressing,
and a part of good mental health is actually being
able to tolerate difficult experiences distressing situations. And so for
(03:26):
a lot of people, being alone or doing something solo
can be really distressing. And so stretching yourself past your
comfort zone, getting more comfortable and spending time by yourself
or doing things by yourself can be a great way
to strengthen the muscle of distress tolerance. Now, earlier this year,
I had an opportunity to have a solo date, a
(03:48):
solo experience. So many of you have heard me talk
about my growing love for women's basketball, and so in January,
I took myself on an out of town experience to
check out Unrivaled, which the new women's three on three
league that started this year. I had never done anything
like that, so I will, you know, often travel alone
(04:09):
for speaking engagements and work kinds of things, but I
actually can't think of the last time I've actually left
town to do something by myself for something that I
was just interested in that had nothing to do with work.
So I went for the Inaugura weekend for Unrivaled. I
was able to see all of the teams play. Was
such a fun experience, and I think that that is
(04:32):
something that I would want to share with people who
are feeling a little worried about doing something alone. Is
that the situation like Unrivaled one where there were lots
of other women's basketball fans, I think made it much
more comfortable to be there alone because there were a
lot of people there, right, So I didn't necessarily know
that going into it, but I knew that I would
(04:53):
be like sitting near other people, and you know, people
would be focused on the game, and so it didn't
matter as much whether I came with somebody or not.
And then when I got there, I found that lots
of other people came alone, and then we were able
to talk about it and where did we come from,
and who we're rooting for, and just really participate in
the excitement of this new experience together. And so that's
(05:15):
something that I think is important to know that you
can do things alone because you're interested in them, and
then you meet people maybe who are also doing those things,
right like, not with the idea that you're going to
meet new people, so that, of course may be a
side effect of it, but you are likely to meet
other people who are interested in the same kinds of things.
And so if you're worried about like, oh, well, who
(05:36):
will I talk to, it's very likely there will be
other people there that are traveling solo or doing things
alone as well, which brings me to my next point. Again,
you've already heard me say that I don't typically do
a lot of things by myself that are not work related,
and I think that that is something for us to
pay attention to as well, because I think, you know,
when we're young, we typically do lots of different things,
(05:58):
right Like, we're in lots of activities, we're doing different
kinds of things, and then at some point in our
lives we focus more on work or other responsibilities, and
we lose sense of that, the sense of play, right like,
we lose touch with that. And how important it is
to still foster our own hobbies and our own interests
even as we get older and even as we have
(06:18):
other responsibilities. And so if that is something that you
have also experienced, where you're pouring a lot of time
into caregiving or into work, I do want you to
make sure that you're also making time for the kinds
of things that are fun for you and developing new
interests in hobbies. Again, if you've probably talked about my
interest in women's basketball, you know that I was not
an athlete in school. I did not have any experience
(06:40):
playing sports, and so it's only within the last two
years that I have been really, really excited and interested
in women's basketball, which I think also speaks to the
idea that you are never too old to have a
new hobby, to have a new interest, and so as
long as you keep living, there are lots of different
things that you may be interested in throughout your life.
So if you needed a little push, I hope that
(07:02):
that encourages you to do that.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Now.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
I also want to talk about the anxiety that often
comes with doing things solo, because I think that that
is what often keeps us from doing solo things right,
like going to the movies by ourselves, are going to
restaurants by ourselves. And I think it's important for you
to know that a lot of times we are creating
a story in our heads that is far more fantastical
(07:25):
than anything based in reality. So a lot of times
there's anxiety about what will people think about the fact
that I'm alone eating out a restaurant, or are other
people going to be there solo at the movies, And
it's important for you to know that people are spending
way less time focus on you than you may think,
(07:46):
right because you are so anxious and so worried about
the perception of other people that you're likely thinking, Oh,
everybody's looking at me, They're gonna think this is weird,
and whatever story it is that you've come up with.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
And the truth is that.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
People are far more attuned to whatever's going on in
their phone, whatever is going on in their own lives,
or their thoughts about what you think about them, than
they are actually paying attention to you. So people are
not at all as focused on us as we think
that they are. That is often just a story that
anxiety tells us. And so when you know if you
(08:20):
can kind of put yourself in out of your comfort
zone to do something like going to a restaurant by yourself,
I want you to just take a beat and to
just tell yourself people are not as focused on me
as I'm thinking. Even if you make eye contact with
other people, they are likely just exchanging pleasant glances with you.
It's very unlikely that they are creating a story about
(08:43):
you and saying that you look weird for being at
the restaurant by yourself. More from our conversation after the break.
(09:03):
One common hack for people, and this is definitely something
I've done and I think other people have done this too,
But if you're feeling a little anxious about, you know,
going to a restaurant or going to a bar for dinner,
then bring a book with you, right Like, So something
like reading a book can feel like you are there
with other people, but it maybe helps you to feel
a little less anxious because you are engrossed in a
(09:25):
good book that you're reading. So that's something that may
be helpful for you if you're feeling like you're anxious
about going to a restaurant or somewhere by yourself, then
bringing a book with you can help you to maybe
feel a little.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Less anxious about that.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Something else I want to call attention to in terms
of learning to do more things solo, is that I
think sometimes there's a lot of conversation and a lot
of discussion about doing things solo when you are single. Right,
So this idea that you need to learn how to
do things alone because you know there is not a partner,
and that may be the case, but I also think
(09:59):
that it's important to have of things that are your own,
even if you are in a romantic relationship or if
you are partnered. Right. So, of course there may be
things that you do with your partner, but again, as
I mentioned earlier, it's still really important for you to
have things that are just yours no matter where you
are in your life, no matter what your relationship status is.
It is good to have interest and hobbies and things
(10:21):
that are just your own that you don't necessarily have
to share with other people. And I think it's important
to think about spending time alone as a practice that
we kind of continue throughout life. Right, So, again, it
can be when we are single, but also when you
are partnered, also when you are a parent, also when
(10:43):
you are a caregiver, also when you are the CEO
of company. Right like all the stages throughout our lives,
this idea of doing things solo and kind of continuing
to cultivate our own interests and hobbies, it's something that
is a skill that we will need throughout our lives.
And so there is no stage in your life at
which you can say, Okay, I don't need to do
things on my own anymore, because I think again, just
(11:06):
like you learn stuff about yourself when you are maybe
twenty one through doing things solo, the things that doing
things solo will reveal to you about yourself at fifty
is very different, and so at each stage of your
life you are meeting new versions of yourself, and so
it's important to do things solo so that you can
get to know them a little better. Going back to
(11:28):
some of my earlier points around why it is sometimes
difficult to spend time alone, Sometimes it is about the
anxiety of feeling like people are paying attention to you
and like creating stories about you. But another reason why
it may be difficult for people to spend time alone
is that sometimes we are kind of running away from
certain thoughts, right, So we don't want to be still.
(11:49):
We don't want to be quiet because maybe there's negative
self talk that happens, or maybe there's some distressing experiences
that we rather than not deal with, or maybe we're
trying to run from depression or sadness or whatever it is.
And so the idea of doing something solo really feels
like it gives you more time to just focus on yourself.
(12:09):
And while I do understand that, I also want you
to know that you cannot run away from things forever. Right,
So you've probably heard me talk about if you don't
deal with things, then things will deal with you eventually
in some kind of way. And so while you may
think that you're able to get away from things by
throwing yourself into work or always spending time with friends,
(12:30):
eventually those things will bubble to the surface. And so
if spending time alone or enjoying the solitude of your
own company is a way where you can allow that
to come to the surface, that may be a better
way for you to actually deal with what's going on,
and then maybe do some journaling and maybe talk with
a therapist about what's happening. But I do want you
to know that you cannot outrun whatever it is that
(12:53):
you're thinking you can outrun by not spending time alone.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Eventually it will come up.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
So sometimes people are thinking, Okay, I hear you, doctor Joy,
I will try to do this solo thing. I want
to give you some ideas of things that you may
be able to do if you're interested in getting started
with spending more time by yourself doing solo dates. So
you've already heard me talk about restaurants. I think that
restaurants and like taking yourself out to eat is a
(13:21):
great first thing to do solo because it again allows
you to figure out exactly what you're interested in. So
I really love Mexican. My kids don't always want to
have Mexican food, and so sometimes I will go to
my favorite Mexican restaurants and just have the food by myself. Right,
So in that way, you also don't have to worry
about tending to everybody else's needs. I also think that
(13:44):
doing things solo, especially when you are a caregiver, is
a great way for you to assert some boundaries and
for you to also make sure that you are prioritizing
the things that are important to you. It's a great
self care practice. So I don't have to worry about
my kids not enjoying Caeso dip. I can go enjoying
my own case. I do so again, restaurants and like
seeking out all of the new, cool restaurants that are
(14:06):
in your city or places that you want to try.
I think places like TikTok and Instagram are great for
introducing you to new restaurants and new dishes and things
that you may want to try. And so keeping a
list of those places and then making a list and
then taking yourself out, you know, maybe once a week
or so, and making a plan for all the places
that you want to hit can be a nice little
(14:26):
adventure for yourself. So restaurants and dining experiences I think
are a great way to get in some solo daytime.
I also think that movies are a great thing to
do solo because everybody's focused on the movie, right, So
nobody's necessarily paying attention to who's sitting next to who
and did you come with a group of people or
did you come alone? They are focused on the movie.
(14:46):
And so again I think that that actually may be
easier than even a restaurant because it's dark, nobody's really
paying attention to you, They're paying attention to the movie,
And so getting comfortable kind of doing things by yourself,
going to a movie could be a great first step,
and then maybe you graduate to a restaurant. I also
(15:09):
think that volunteer experiences can be a great way to
do things solo, because again, typically there are other people around,
so you maybe necessarily don't feel like you're alone though
you are kind of focused on whatever it is that
you can to do in terms of the volunteer project.
But I also think that volunteering typically just makes us
feel good, right, And again, you may not have the
(15:30):
same interest in terms of volunteerism as maybe friends or
coworkers or whoever. And so finding your particular lane in
the kinds of ways that you want to give back
can be a great way to feel better about yourself,
but also to again practice this muscle of feeling like
you want to do things solo. And then vacation, so
(15:50):
I feel like travel vacation may be kind of at
the top of the totem pole or the top of
the pyramid in terms of doing things solo. But as
you heard me talk about, like my experience with Unrivaled,
it was so cool, so fun, and I did come
back fling like wow, I did that. Like, let me
think about where else I might want to go solo.
And so you know, again, you may want to start
(16:12):
with movies, but eventually maybe you feel like you want
to travel solo. So maybe that is within your country,
but it also could be abroad, right, Like, maybe there
are places in other countries that you want to visit
and you don't want to have to worry about who
wants to do excursions if you want to just lounge
around by the pool or by a beach. You get
(16:32):
to choose and do the things that are most important
to you, the things that are most valuable to you,
and exactly how you want to spend your time in
your resources. You don't have to consider anybody else. Again,
I think that this is just a great idea in
prioritizing yourself that can be really helpful, especially for people
who are accustomed to putting other people's needs first. Traveling solo,
(16:54):
doing some of these things solo can be a great
way to kind of break that habit. So as always,
I have some ideas, but I also want to hear
what are your ideas about doing things solo? If this
is something that you have done quite a bit of
what has allowed you to feel comfortable doing things solo.
If it's something that you were kind of anxious and
(17:15):
nervous about but now you've done it, what really helped
you to get better at doing it, and what kinds
of ideas do you have to share with the community
of things that they might want to try to do
solo as well. Please let us know on Instagram. You
can follow us at Therapy for Black Girls, or you
can find us on threads at Therapy for Black Girls
and share your comments. You can also use the hashtag
(17:37):
TBG in session to keep this conversation going because other
sisters will want to know. Okay, I want to do this,
but where do I get started? So please share your
feedback with us, and don't forget to share this episode
with two of your girls so that we can continue
the conversations about solo dates and getting more comfortable with
spending time with ourselves. If you're looking for a therapist
(17:58):
snare area, please be sure to visit our therapist directory
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory and make
sure that you are sharing that in your group chats
and on your social media channels as well, and don't
forget to join us over in Patreon. So we've launched
our Patreon channel where we extend the conversations we have
here on the podcast and also have lots of fun events.
(18:19):
We'd love to have you join us there. You can
find us there at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
And if you have suggestions of things that you want
us to cover on the podcast, or maybe a particular
guest you'd love to hear me in conversation with, you
can always drop us a voice node, so you can
do that at Memo dot fm slash Therapy for Black Girls.
(18:40):
This episode was produced by Elie Ellis, Tyrie Rush, and
Indaytubu and editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all
so much for joining me again this week. I look
forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Take good care
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining us for session four twelve of the Therapy
for Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into our episode
after a word from our sponsors. So, when was the
last time you took yourself on a solo date. Maybe
(01:19):
you got dressed up and went to a fancy restaurant,
or maybe you just threw on some sweats and saw
your third viewing of Sinners. Either way completely valid. But
if it has been a while, or if you have
been a little anxious or leary about taking yourself on
a solo date, I hope that this episode will be
the nudgs you need to push you across that line
(01:41):
and encourage you to go ahead and do the thing.
So there are some experiences that I think we just
need to have in life that teach us lots of things.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
One of them is traveling abroad.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
So sometimes I will get asked like, oh, is there
something in your life that you would do over the
fact that I did not travel abroad as an undergrad
is one thing I would do over. So traveling abroad
is one. But the other thing that I think is
really important in terms of developing good life skills is
learning to do things by ourselves.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
And this is for a couple of reasons.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So the first one is that I think that there
are things that we learn about ourselves that can only
come when we are okay with solitude.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
When we are okay being by ourselves, we.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Learn more about who we are, what kinds of things
make us tick, what kinds of things we're really interested in,
without the filter of other people's perceptions, because I think
sometimes our idea of who we are is heavily colored
by who other people see us as or other people's interests.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
And so when you spend more time.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Alone, you get better at developing your own interests and
like really being in tune with the kinds of things
that you really enjoy. So that's the first reason. The
second reason why I think it's important to learn how
to spend more time alone is that it helps us
to develop a skill called distress tolerance. Distress tolerance is
(03:03):
exactly what it sounds like. It is learning how to
tolerate distress, and not in a staying an abusive situations
kind of way. But there are some things that will
happen in life that are unpleasant and uncomfortable and distressing,
and a part of good mental health is actually being
able to tolerate difficult experiences distressing situations. And so for
(03:26):
a lot of people, being alone or doing something solo
can be really distressing. And so stretching yourself past your
comfort zone, getting more comfortable and spending time by yourself
or doing things by yourself can be a great way
to strengthen the muscle of distress tolerance. Now, earlier this year,
I had an opportunity to have a solo date, a
(03:48):
solo experience. So many of you have heard me talk
about my growing love for women's basketball, and so in January,
I took myself on an out of town experience to
check out Unrivaled, which the new women's three on three
league that started this year. I had never done anything
like that, so I will, you know, often travel alone
(04:09):
for speaking engagements and work kinds of things, but I
actually can't think of the last time I've actually left
town to do something by myself for something that I
was just interested in that had nothing to do with work.
So I went for the Inaugura weekend for Unrivaled. I
was able to see all of the teams play. Was
such a fun experience, and I think that that is
(04:32):
something that I would want to share with people who
are feeling a little worried about doing something alone. Is
that the situation like Unrivaled one where there were lots
of other women's basketball fans, I think made it much
more comfortable to be there alone because there were a
lot of people there, right, So I didn't necessarily know
that going into it, but I knew that I would
(04:53):
be like sitting near other people, and you know, people
would be focused on the game, and so it didn't
matter as much whether I came with somebody or not.
And then when I got there, I found that lots
of other people came alone, and then we were able
to talk about it and where did we come from,
and who we're rooting for, and just really participate in
the excitement of this new experience together. And so that's
(05:15):
something that I think is important to know that you
can do things alone because you're interested in them, and
then you meet people maybe who are also doing those things,
right like, not with the idea that you're going to
meet new people, so that, of course may be a
side effect of it, but you are likely to meet
other people who are interested in the same kinds of things.
And so if you're worried about like, oh, well, who
(05:36):
will I talk to, it's very likely there will be
other people there that are traveling solo or doing things
alone as well, which brings me to my next point. Again,
you've already heard me say that I don't typically do
a lot of things by myself that are not work related,
and I think that that is something for us to
pay attention to as well, because I think, you know,
when we're young, we typically do lots of different things,
(05:58):
right Like, we're in lots of activities, we're doing different
kinds of things, and then at some point in our
lives we focus more on work or other responsibilities, and
we lose sense of that, the sense of play, right like,
we lose touch with that. And how important it is
to still foster our own hobbies and our own interests
even as we get older and even as we have
(06:18):
other responsibilities. And so if that is something that you
have also experienced, where you're pouring a lot of time
into caregiving or into work, I do want you to
make sure that you're also making time for the kinds
of things that are fun for you and developing new
interests in hobbies. Again, if you've probably talked about my
interest in women's basketball, you know that I was not
an athlete in school. I did not have any experience
(06:40):
playing sports, and so it's only within the last two
years that I have been really, really excited and interested
in women's basketball, which I think also speaks to the
idea that you are never too old to have a
new hobby, to have a new interest, and so as
long as you keep living, there are lots of different
things that you may be interested in throughout your life.
So if you needed a little push, I hope that
(07:02):
that encourages you to do that.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Now.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
I also want to talk about the anxiety that often
comes with doing things solo, because I think that that
is what often keeps us from doing solo things right,
like going to the movies by ourselves, are going to
restaurants by ourselves. And I think it's important for you
to know that a lot of times we are creating
a story in our heads that is far more fantastical
(07:25):
than anything based in reality. So a lot of times
there's anxiety about what will people think about the fact
that I'm alone eating out a restaurant, or are other
people going to be there solo at the movies, And
it's important for you to know that people are spending
way less time focus on you than you may think,
(07:46):
right because you are so anxious and so worried about
the perception of other people that you're likely thinking, Oh,
everybody's looking at me, They're gonna think this is weird,
and whatever story it is that you've come up with.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
And the truth is that.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
People are far more attuned to whatever's going on in
their phone, whatever is going on in their own lives,
or their thoughts about what you think about them, than
they are actually paying attention to you. So people are
not at all as focused on us as we think
that they are. That is often just a story that
anxiety tells us. And so when you know if you
(08:20):
can kind of put yourself in out of your comfort
zone to do something like going to a restaurant by yourself,
I want you to just take a beat and to
just tell yourself people are not as focused on me
as I'm thinking. Even if you make eye contact with
other people, they are likely just exchanging pleasant glances with you.
It's very unlikely that they are creating a story about
(08:43):
you and saying that you look weird for being at
the restaurant by yourself. More from our conversation after the break.
(09:03):
One common hack for people, and this is definitely something
I've done and I think other people have done this too,
But if you're feeling a little anxious about, you know,
going to a restaurant or going to a bar for dinner,
then bring a book with you, right Like, So something
like reading a book can feel like you are there
with other people, but it maybe helps you to feel
a little less anxious because you are engrossed in a
(09:25):
good book that you're reading. So that's something that may
be helpful for you if you're feeling like you're anxious
about going to a restaurant or somewhere by yourself, then
bringing a book with you can help you to maybe
feel a little.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Less anxious about that.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Something else I want to call attention to in terms
of learning to do more things solo, is that I
think sometimes there's a lot of conversation and a lot
of discussion about doing things solo when you are single. Right,
So this idea that you need to learn how to
do things alone because you know there is not a partner,
and that may be the case, but I also think
(09:59):
that it's important to have of things that are your own,
even if you are in a romantic relationship or if
you are partnered. Right. So, of course there may be
things that you do with your partner, but again, as
I mentioned earlier, it's still really important for you to
have things that are just yours no matter where you
are in your life, no matter what your relationship status is.
It is good to have interest and hobbies and things
(10:21):
that are just your own that you don't necessarily have
to share with other people. And I think it's important
to think about spending time alone as a practice that
we kind of continue throughout life. Right, So, again, it
can be when we are single, but also when you
are partnered, also when you are a parent, also when
(10:43):
you are a caregiver, also when you are the CEO
of company. Right like all the stages throughout our lives,
this idea of doing things solo and kind of continuing
to cultivate our own interests and hobbies, it's something that
is a skill that we will need throughout our lives.
And so there is no stage in your life at
which you can say, Okay, I don't need to do
things on my own anymore, because I think again, just
(11:06):
like you learn stuff about yourself when you are maybe
twenty one through doing things solo, the things that doing
things solo will reveal to you about yourself at fifty
is very different, and so at each stage of your
life you are meeting new versions of yourself, and so
it's important to do things solo so that you can
get to know them a little better. Going back to
(11:28):
some of my earlier points around why it is sometimes
difficult to spend time alone, Sometimes it is about the
anxiety of feeling like people are paying attention to you
and like creating stories about you. But another reason why
it may be difficult for people to spend time alone
is that sometimes we are kind of running away from
certain thoughts, right, So we don't want to be still.
(11:49):
We don't want to be quiet because maybe there's negative
self talk that happens, or maybe there's some distressing experiences
that we rather than not deal with, or maybe we're
trying to run from depression or sadness or whatever it is.
And so the idea of doing something solo really feels
like it gives you more time to just focus on yourself.
(12:09):
And while I do understand that, I also want you
to know that you cannot run away from things forever. Right,
So you've probably heard me talk about if you don't
deal with things, then things will deal with you eventually
in some kind of way. And so while you may
think that you're able to get away from things by
throwing yourself into work or always spending time with friends,
(12:30):
eventually those things will bubble to the surface. And so
if spending time alone or enjoying the solitude of your
own company is a way where you can allow that
to come to the surface, that may be a better
way for you to actually deal with what's going on,
and then maybe do some journaling and maybe talk with
a therapist about what's happening. But I do want you
to know that you cannot outrun whatever it is that
(12:53):
you're thinking you can outrun by not spending time alone.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Eventually it will come up.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
So sometimes people are thinking, Okay, I hear you, doctor Joy,
I will try to do this solo thing. I want
to give you some ideas of things that you may
be able to do if you're interested in getting started
with spending more time by yourself doing solo dates. So
you've already heard me talk about restaurants. I think that
restaurants and like taking yourself out to eat is a
(13:21):
great first thing to do solo because it again allows
you to figure out exactly what you're interested in. So
I really love Mexican. My kids don't always want to
have Mexican food, and so sometimes I will go to
my favorite Mexican restaurants and just have the food by myself. Right,
So in that way, you also don't have to worry
about tending to everybody else's needs. I also think that
(13:44):
doing things solo, especially when you are a caregiver, is
a great way for you to assert some boundaries and
for you to also make sure that you are prioritizing
the things that are important to you. It's a great
self care practice. So I don't have to worry about
my kids not enjoying Caeso dip. I can go enjoying
my own case. I do so again, restaurants and like
seeking out all of the new, cool restaurants that are
(14:06):
in your city or places that you want to try.
I think places like TikTok and Instagram are great for
introducing you to new restaurants and new dishes and things
that you may want to try. And so keeping a
list of those places and then making a list and
then taking yourself out, you know, maybe once a week
or so, and making a plan for all the places
that you want to hit can be a nice little
(14:26):
adventure for yourself. So restaurants and dining experiences I think
are a great way to get in some solo daytime.
I also think that movies are a great thing to
do solo because everybody's focused on the movie, right, So
nobody's necessarily paying attention to who's sitting next to who
and did you come with a group of people or
did you come alone? They are focused on the movie.
(14:46):
And so again I think that that actually may be
easier than even a restaurant because it's dark, nobody's really
paying attention to you, They're paying attention to the movie,
And so getting comfortable kind of doing things by yourself,
going to a movie could be a great first step,
and then maybe you graduate to a restaurant. I also
(15:09):
think that volunteer experiences can be a great way to
do things solo, because again, typically there are other people around,
so you maybe necessarily don't feel like you're alone though
you are kind of focused on whatever it is that
you can to do in terms of the volunteer project.
But I also think that volunteering typically just makes us
feel good, right, And again, you may not have the
(15:30):
same interest in terms of volunteerism as maybe friends or
coworkers or whoever. And so finding your particular lane in
the kinds of ways that you want to give back
can be a great way to feel better about yourself,
but also to again practice this muscle of feeling like
you want to do things solo. And then vacation, so
(15:50):
I feel like travel vacation may be kind of at
the top of the totem pole or the top of
the pyramid in terms of doing things solo. But as
you heard me talk about, like my experience with Unrivaled,
it was so cool, so fun, and I did come
back fling like wow, I did that. Like, let me
think about where else I might want to go solo.
And so you know, again, you may want to start
(16:12):
with movies, but eventually maybe you feel like you want
to travel solo. So maybe that is within your country,
but it also could be abroad, right, Like, maybe there
are places in other countries that you want to visit
and you don't want to have to worry about who
wants to do excursions if you want to just lounge
around by the pool or by a beach. You get
(16:32):
to choose and do the things that are most important
to you, the things that are most valuable to you,
and exactly how you want to spend your time in
your resources. You don't have to consider anybody else. Again,
I think that this is just a great idea in
prioritizing yourself that can be really helpful, especially for people
who are accustomed to putting other people's needs first. Traveling solo,
(16:54):
doing some of these things solo can be a great
way to kind of break that habit. So as always,
I have some ideas, but I also want to hear
what are your ideas about doing things solo? If this
is something that you have done quite a bit of
what has allowed you to feel comfortable doing things solo.
If it's something that you were kind of anxious and
(17:15):
nervous about but now you've done it, what really helped
you to get better at doing it, and what kinds
of ideas do you have to share with the community
of things that they might want to try to do
solo as well. Please let us know on Instagram. You
can follow us at Therapy for Black Girls, or you
can find us on threads at Therapy for Black Girls
and share your comments. You can also use the hashtag
(17:37):
TBG in session to keep this conversation going because other
sisters will want to know. Okay, I want to do this,
but where do I get started? So please share your
feedback with us, and don't forget to share this episode
with two of your girls so that we can continue
the conversations about solo dates and getting more comfortable with
spending time with ourselves. If you're looking for a therapist
(17:58):
snare area, please be sure to visit our therapist directory
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory and make
sure that you are sharing that in your group chats
and on your social media channels as well, and don't
forget to join us over in Patreon. So we've launched
our Patreon channel where we extend the conversations we have
here on the podcast and also have lots of fun events.
(18:19):
We'd love to have you join us there. You can
find us there at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
And if you have suggestions of things that you want
us to cover on the podcast, or maybe a particular
guest you'd love to hear me in conversation with, you
can always drop us a voice node, so you can
do that at Memo dot fm slash Therapy for Black Girls.
(18:40):
This episode was produced by Elie Ellis, Tyrie Rush, and
Indaytubu and editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all
so much for joining me again this week. I look
forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Take good care
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