November 22, 2021 • 37 mins
This week’s theme: “Originality.” A woman struggles with a man’s lack of class, two brothers have a difficult relationship with their father, and a guy’s totally original ideas seem a bit familiar.
Special Guest Contributor Raphael Chestang is a writer, actor and comedian. You may have seen him on “College Humor,” “Pretty Smart” and “Paranoia.”
IG: @rchestang
Twitter: @ChestangRaphael
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Atari and Andy Harris.
The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
like yourself, are esteemed sponsors and the all powerful, all
knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
(00:21):
revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator. Or more This American Laugh.
Listen to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
and now your first Random Sentence Day, which is alli
aren't the best for relationships? Jillian was expecting a guy
(00:45):
that was classy, debonair a taste for the finer things. Instead,
you really like potato edges. Can I look over the
menu again? Please? Yeah? Thank you, thank you? Grah grow Yeah,
what do you? What do you think? You know what?
I think I'm gonna go with the wedges? Yeah, yeah,
(01:08):
potato wedges. Really? Yeah, I think I'm gonna Are they
like fancy? Do they have like truffles or I'm trying
to see like, oh, I think if you order a
side of truffles, Oh, they don't, they don't oh you
have to. Okay, well just you know, I mean the
frog corod we're here. Yeah, but we're to celebrate your promotion. Yes,
(01:28):
and you know what, you order whatever you want off
of this menu. I personally I'm going to go with
the potato wedges. Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna feel bad.
You don't have to feel bad. No, no, no, just
order anything you want from this menu, from this quadrant
of the menu. Yeah, down here, right on the bottom right, Yeah,
(01:49):
anything you want from there. Okay, now that is it's
your day. Thank you, yes, thank you for clarifying. Horris.
Of course, these are just the appetizers. I'm like an
entre kind of woman. Okay, I mean I'm the first chair. Now, okay,
look at what time is it? In fifteen minutes, I'm
in the mood. Displurge, yes you, yes, promotion, yes, do it.
(02:13):
But in minutes you can flip over and you can
order anything you want off the happy hour menu in
the top left quadrant. Appetizers again. Yeah, no, no, no, no,
there's some entrees on there. I mean, if you, if you,
if you take multiple appetizers, can be in entree. Look,
one of us works really hard. Okay, yes, I do. Yes,
(02:36):
And these bills aren't going to pay themselves, No, they
are not. You're going to pay them, I am, because look,
I'm not gonna be getting any work anytime soon on
account of the injury. I wanted to talk to you about.
How are you feeling like in that chair? You look
a little uncomfortable. My ankle is still harding a little bit.
But that's what happens when you unintentionally slip and fall
(02:59):
in a target parking lot. Yeah, it happens. I want
to get back on the horse, that's right, wire not
so though I didn't get back to it too soon. Yeah, well,
once the disability check stuff rolling out, I'm sure that
that's that's really right around the time when I will heal. Yeah. Well,
as a lawyer, as as I am a first chair lawyer,
right now, I'm going to advise you to stop telling
(03:21):
me stuff like this because it kind of gives me
not plausible deniability, the opposite of plausible denying. Yeah, okay,
but but but in the way that it's like attorney
client privilege. This is confessing to crimes person hearing the
crimes privilege. Right, That's that's a thing, right, you are
trying really hard, and I will applaud you for knowing
(03:44):
about attorney client privilege, but that is actually a thing
that is only between you and your actual attorney, not
just any attorney, as I am days later doing at
a surprise pop in at her office. Julian, Hey, how
are you. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm still
(04:05):
a little full from that from that Melia bought me. Yeah,
you do look celebrate your promotion. That was very nice
of you. By the way, I don't know why I
forgot my wallet, probably because my wallet doesn't exist anyway,
I wanted to run something by you. Sure, how would
you feel about representing me? Okay, you know I thought
(04:27):
about that. It's not a specific case, by the way, Okay,
just in life, right, right, I have thought about representing you.
So I don't want you to think that I have
not given this any thought. When I deny you right now,
so I have thought about it a lot. When you
deny me, Oh so you've already y. Yes, I have
(04:48):
decided that this this is not going to work out.
I don't think. Okay, well, I know that as a lawyer,
you don't like to argue. Yeah, but I am entitled
to at least a one hour free consultation, So if
you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take advantage of the
(05:09):
next fifty eight minutes. Of course, try to convince you
to take on my overall life as a case. Well,
I don't want to have a bad reputation, so I
will hear you out. Eight minutes past, fifty eight minutes
passed by. Just let me know when that fifty eight
(05:29):
minutes is going to start. Here, God, what what? What? Night?
It's here, it's been here. I am so sorry. I
am so sorry. I did not become first chair by
behaving this way. But you are taking me to a
place where I need to suit you to get out
of my office. They didn't found themselves in Yeah, Ron,
(05:50):
we're having a hard time understanding what the problem is here.
Let me just definitely in here. She's refusing to represent
me as is my right. I see, well, the court reporter,
please read back the last fifty eight minutes of testimony.
Oh God, if the long, lean, tedious minutes pasted, Oh
(06:13):
you know what I find for I gotta be honest,
I haven't been listening to any of what any of you.
Yeah you cannot admit to that. But no garden, no,
no good. That is unacceptable. I have never in all
my years, I did not become first chair by listening
(06:34):
to this bullshit. I moved to strike what I just
said from the record. Thank you, saying it doesn't really
work like that. I would like to speak sure the
complaining attorney my chambers, please, thank you. I guess that's me.
Do they invent to the judge's chambers? She but notice
were any law books on the shelf? No degrees on
(06:57):
the wall? Portion counselor yes? Um? How do you feel
about representing me in life? There's something that works kind
of drifted off during that hole, during that whole part
and during the whole the whole, during the whole trial.
Just now so I I seem to remember the guy
saying that he wanted you to represent of your life.
(07:18):
But like I just kind of fell it, fell asleep
with my eyes open. You know what I would represent you?
Oh God? And I'll represent you form a very small
monetary feet as long as I can be guaranteed that
you kind of hear me out a little bit. I'm
not asking for you to do anything illegal here, Give
(07:41):
me preference because it sounds a lot of like I know,
it sounds like that some people would think that it was,
but they don't know the law. You know what. I
think a qualified judge might consider this to be bribery,
and it's very serious crime. But I don't see any
of those here. You're merring, dismissed, thank you, thank you.
(08:09):
This is this American laugh. I'm sorry. As always, I'm
joined by producer Andy and I especially guest contributor for
this week is Raphael chest Dang and our show we'll
be using our chest Random Sense generator to bring you
a fully improvised show in three acts. This week's theme originality.
That makes ideas unique, and that's what we all strive for.
(08:30):
Originality Day with Us. Act one bloc into the basement
with the horror movie from the night before playing in
his head. Sorry, trying to sleep down here, I just
(08:52):
I forgot my forgot my magazine. It's right under here.
Are you okay? The movie? The movie, but mylat sight
really stuck with me. I can't shake it. I should
never let you watch that. No, it's okay, you can.
This is a one off. Don't worry. I'm fine, I'll
be fine. This usually never happens, so you can. You'll
(09:12):
be fine letting me watch whatever I want in perpetuity.
Next morning, Johnny, Yes, father, why are you whine in
India Cereal? Because I'm nervous about Was it Tommy? I'll
be no, Yes, it was, it was? It wasn't it? Yes,
(09:37):
it was? It was definitely Tommy. It was badass little
boy he is, and I'm scared him and my last
interaction with him really stuck with me. Like a movie.
Do you know anything about that? I mean, of course
an example, movies don't really make that sort of an
impression on me. That would No. No, I think I'm
(09:59):
free to continue watching and consuming any sort of television
or a movie that I What are you mumbling about?
I'm trying, I'm getting No, it's Tommy, definitely Tommy. And
next day? What you keep me in trouble? What you
(10:23):
keep I told you it's gonna get me in trouble.
You keep whining, and now Dad thinks that I'm doing
something bad to you. Listen, you gotta do me this favor. Yes,
you just gotta take the heat every once in a while.
I can't do You want Dad to continue to let
us watch whatever we want or not. Yes, of course
I do. What then the sacrifice that you're going to
have to make is you're going to have to take
(10:43):
the blame for my outbursts of fear every once in
a while. Okay, but I can't keep beating dad's as
every night, all right, Yeah, I mean he kind of
deserves it a little. Yeah, he deserves that. He comes
at me, he's small. I mean, come on, you got
to admit that it feels a little good. Okay, it
feels good every once in a while, But sometimes I'd
like to imagine that he was like the dad that
(11:04):
could protect me from something, not like I gotta protect him. Listen,
just please just cut out the whining. Okay, next day again,
feeling real good, feeling real good today, extra good? Really, Yes,
your brother is getting what was that? You know? Sometimes
I just feel so good and comfortable and calm that
(11:25):
it just startles me. It's such a good feeling. He's fine.
Tommy's okay, tom He's okay, You're okay, because don't make
me have to go back in there again. The boy
is getting real good at jiu jitsu. Do you want
me to to reapply the bomb? Please? Good lord, why
you even ask sir? I'm looking over your chart here
and um, a lot of accidents recently. Yeah, I got
(11:50):
a lot of stairs. Can we move on please? That
doesn't need more to this is this is Jeffrey. He
is social work, grew with the state. Yeah, he just
wants to chat. He just wants to chat with you.
Is that? Is that? Okay? Would you mind if I yeah,
I can give you my number and then I'll just
be a now he would actually like to talk to
(12:12):
you right now and all right, let's go there. So
you doing, sir? How are you feeling? I'm feeling bad? Oh?
What why? Because of the because of yes, the accidents
down my stairs. We don't have much time. Somebody hurting you?
(12:33):
Somebody's hurting you? Is it? Is it? A big, strong,
scary adult? Almost really? Oh? What is the name of
the adult? Full grown adult? Because because clearly you're six
ft four, it must take a very strong, big Yes,
I am too old for this. I can't tell you
(12:55):
what happened. I cannot explain to you all the years
of living as has it taken. Sir, you're t Can
I talk to you for just a second? Just meet
and you are real quick. Excuse me. If you tell
what Tommy has been doing to you, you regret it
(13:20):
for the rest of your days. Don't you ruin this
US special work. They move forward with his investigation. The
family found themselves in the court room. All right, so
all right in the matter of Thomas's father versus a
very big, strong, scary adult man um, seems that all
parties aren't present here. Sorry, where where is the defendant?
(13:42):
I'm not seeing He's in Canada? Really? Yeah? And what's
his name? His name is Bills, Bills a baby, but
that his Bills the Baby. It's a stage name. I
don't have his real name. Well, the carey part of
please read back to the plaintiffs testimony. Players, Yes, your honor,
his name is Bells the baby, Bells, the baby, some trembling,
(14:05):
some trembling, and then he just kind of drifted off
and just stopped really talking. Thank you very much? All right,
I don't so please remember that you're under oath, sir. Yes,
are you making all of this up because you're embarrassed
of who's really hurting you? I gotta tell you, I
(14:28):
was not expecting you write off the battle like that. Well,
the core reporter please right back or I just said
I guess I just wasn't expecting you to to say that,
and then you just kind of stopped for a second
because I just think that you couldn't think of anything
else to say. Okay, I'm okay, Well you don't watch um.
(14:53):
I wish you'd all take a nap. Coming up Act,
But first, some words from our sponsors who make this
high quality program possible. Stay with us Act two, the
(15:21):
inter of you. That's welcome this week, specially guest contributor
Rafaelle chest saying, Rafaelle, welcome, Thank you. Good to have
you here, like it's good to be here. Have you
been listening to the show? I am a I have
been a very avid listener for at least two days. Yes, sure,
it's been two days. Or has it been like a
(15:42):
very long time? Oh? You know what actually has been
a very very long time. It was the first episode.
Do you ever heard the first episode? I heard? Uh
was the one where uh with the flying um raccoons.
Oh you know we actually have that at no episode? Yes? Really? Yeah?
(16:04):
And he has everything in his kay, let's hear that
clip now, Fara, look up there, Sarah, look look up there.
Where to your left, my left? Whoa what what is that?
What is that? What is it? It is to my laft?
I'm asking yes, I'm asking you what it is? Yes,
it's your laugh, Yeah, yes, what is it? What is it?
(16:27):
Flying something? What do you think it could be that's
flying up there? You know, I'll tell you what It
probably ain't Probably ain't pigs. That would make no sense.
It ain't flying money. You know what I think would
be good? I think that I well, yeah, if it
was flying money, but then it's not how would we
get to it's fine money? How would we get to it?
We would have to be like what would we do?
(16:49):
We have to build up down brick wall and then
put a ladder up next to it and then get
up to it or fly may fly drone up there.
Regardless what do you think it is? It ain't money,
and ain't pigs. Ain't no pigs, and it sure ain't
no money. It ain't a plane, It ain't trees. If
it was a plane, that would have been the first
thing that I said, Yeah, you know what I mean.
(17:11):
And it's it's very it's pretty easy identified plane, you
know what I mean, Because it has wings and it
has the lights. You ever look up in the sky
and you think it's a shooting star, but then you're like,
wait a minute, that shooting stars blinking and moving at
a steady rate, very slowly, and you're like, oh, ship,
that's the plane. Has that ever happened to you? Yeah,
that it happens to me. I think it might be
(17:32):
a rackcon is definitely why is that happening? How did
it happen? It must be a science experiment. I've seen
it on Netflix. Did yeah, it did so many searching
in these experiments. All right? Is that this is the
day we've been waiting for the day that finally we
(17:52):
will be recognized as the intelligent scientists that we are. Yes, Yes,
today is the day that we Oh, this kid be
right the raccoon, Oh, that's it. Raccoons fly, that's it.
That's it. Yeah, we made raccoons that because he was
trying to do something really spe what's the scientific benefits
of knowing whether or not raccoon could fly? Well, my
(18:15):
dad used to always say, raccoons are the scientists of
the woods. Your dad said back, yeah, because they go
investigating in the trash and they got all the fingers
in it. Very, very smart. So if you can give
them wings, that's about all they can't do. Your dad's
not all of this, Yes, and he was the smartest
man that I knew who never went to college. A
(18:38):
little deeper and found the audio if the Scientists father
on the deathbed, Son, Yes, I have two final things
to say to you. I'm here for both. First thing
is take care of your sister. She looks up to you. Yeah.
Second thing is, raccoons are scientists nature because they explore
(19:02):
the trash cans and they dig into the trash cans
with their tiny Why are you writing this down? I
was just telling that's fine, just like oh my hand
write to get a pan, Okay, okay, because they don't
need to start over, okay, okay. Raccoons a scientists of
foot of nature because they dig into the trash because
(19:25):
they have their little hands and they dig in through
the trash with their hands and they next page, I'm
not I'm not even one tenth of the way finished. Son.
So that was your favorite episode. Yeah, that was a
pretty good one. That's what we want some awards from
that one. Living. I'm an actor comedy writer. Before that,
(19:48):
I used to write for an entertainment news website. It
was one of those that was also a show, This
is Entertainment News show and website. And I did that
for nine years before that, so that was. Yeah, that
was most of the time that I was on here.
I moved out to l A and oh seven and
I started working there eight Wow. Yeah, was that fascinating work?
(20:10):
Was it fascinating? Uh so? I think most people would
probably or maybe not most people, but a lot of
people would consider it fascinating. I was not fascinated by it.
I don't. But there were some interesting things that happened.
Like I was there for the day that Michael Jackson died.
I was, Yeah, that was pretty big day I was there. Well, no,
(20:32):
I wasn't in the building when Whitney Houston died. That
was on the weekend. But um, yeah, I mean, yeah,
some interesting things happened. I have a question about that. Yeah.
Do they always have to break a story, regardless of
how trivial it is? Do they always have to put
the same amount of energy and like the thing? See,
this is what I mean, like that energy. I think
(20:54):
they believe it. That's what I mean. When you asked me,
is it fascinating? I think they really think it's some
of them really think it's fascinating. But yes, they do
have to do that because just imagine, like it's so dumb,
so you you gout you have it's a hearts that
you gotta sell it hard. We have we actually have
in our archives awesome audio of the of the story
(21:17):
pitch meetings from back then. Okay, okay, all right, everybody, Hey,
gather around. We've got a lot of hot stories that
I want everybody to give me your hottest story that
we we've got. I've got what's this right here? Andrew,
La Ran and Pan have split out. Oh my god,
Oh my god. They had a terrible disagreement and that
(21:42):
that was the last strong god, Oh my god, I
am not okay. I am not okay. After hearing this
nugget of information about this story. What other stories do
we have that aren't you even related? We have? We
have that Beyonce and jay Z grew apart. No, no,
(22:04):
this kid happy happened, but not now, not here, jazy?
Why be honest? Why I might have a chest pains?
Oh god? Why are they growing apart? What's happening to that?
But I heard that they were having separate friend groups,
(22:26):
and uh, they just kind of had different life experiences.
Oh god they Oh god, they weren't gonna go down
that winning. O. God, this news is so upsetting. I
might leave my wife. That was crazy. Yeah, things got
intense in there. Yeah it did. That's too bad. Yeah,
(22:46):
over some small stuff. You always know that you wanted
to do this for it? Yeah, pretty much. I knew
that I wanted to do it. I'm sure. Yeah. What
would you consider to be your big break? Well, when
I was when I was about four years old in Chica,
I'm originally from Chicago. Go we started doing the when
I say we, like, my brother and I started doing
commercials there and then I would also do theater there.
(23:07):
It's like a big theater town. And then um but yeah,
as far as like as an adult really college humor
in uh seen joint in college humor in twenty seventeen,
that was like the thing where I was like, okay, yeah,
I can make a living at this now. So you
did commercials when you were a kidding Yeah, yeah, yeah,
commercial I did. My first commersion was for stovetop stuff.
(23:28):
And as I opened the door and I say, Denise,
mom is making stovetop stuff in the night. It was
a national spot. Uh maybe it was national. I mean
I was like seven at that time, so I don't
remember if it was national or not. I just knew
there was a camera in my face. You want to
know something that in our archives we have the meeting
(23:49):
between you and your agents. Yes, when he was first
interviewing you, right when you were a kid. Okay, I
don't remember that. We do have it right, So you're
you're it's gonna be great. You all right? Next we
have rough fail chest ches. Just dang, I'm so sorry.
(24:15):
I didn't even finish writing the last name on this
piece of paper. And I'm very very sorry. No, that's okay, okay,
young man? Why why should I a very successful agent?
Many national commercials under my belt, some local, mostly local,
some national commercials. I mean, come on, let's let's be honest.
(24:37):
Things not really popping off like I hope they would
for me. Um, are you really bad? Now? I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I just sometimes I talk as I talk
out loud, and I just really am looking for my
big break. I'm looking for that one shient that's gonna
finally launch me into the stratosphere. And by into the stratosphere,
I mean in a position where I can actually pay
(25:00):
my gas bill this month. Shelley's going to leave if
they don't. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Rafael. Um
so oh no, no, no, no, no. This is a
happy one. This is a happy one. Yeah. Yeah, this
is a happy one. Okay. So this is for and
keep in mind, I really need this commission, okay, And
(25:23):
I'm giving you a break here because I only take
six commission Okay, Yes, it's standard. This is for stovetop stuffing.
All right, come on, please, you better, Rafael, throw us
a smile on that face. Because daddy needs shoes. I'm
(25:44):
not done listing the people in my family. Who needs shoes.
My wife needs shoes, My three daughters need shoes, My
four sons need shoes. The line is hey, momad sorry,
let me flip over this piece of paper. The line
is mom made stovetop stuffing. You're excited about the stuffing. Please, Okay,
(26:10):
here we go and go mom made stovetop stuffing. Tone,
what's the good God, are you gonna die? Everything's gonna
be okay for us from now on. Wow. That was
(26:34):
something that changed his life. That was really sad. That
was a lot sadder than I remember. I mean, it
was happy for you, right for him, for all the people.
How did my heart strings be coming? Everything you wanted
to talk about? Yeah, I think that's about it. It up. Well,
thank you very much for being here, of course, especially
(26:55):
guys contributed. Just saying up three words for my sponsors.
There was actually it must be five o'clock somewhere. But
(27:24):
the next pression he is as if he had claimed it.
I don't know about you, but I am a little
thirsty about you. You're thirsty. I mean, I know it's early,
but it's five o'clock somewhere around the round, around the earth.
(27:46):
It's pretty good. Huh. Patent pending? What patent pending? Patent pending?
What I just said? Don't you steal that? Wait you
think you came up with that? I just did right
now off the top of my head. Maybe I'll put
it on a T shirt. Maybe I'll hire some country
singer to sing a song by that title. Maybe he'll
(28:06):
be joined on stage by or someone like. I don't know,
I'm just pulling names out of a out of the air.
Jimmy Buffett, Jimmy Buffett, Solomon. This is something that has
been around for you. But they have t shirts of it.
They got they you've never been to a mom's house.
They got signs, they got posters. You gotta be kidding me. Yes,
(28:29):
it's a doing. Sometimes they have it with a little
cat and he's drinking the white. It is pretty cute,
you know what. I'm pretty thirsty? Are you thirsty? Yeah?
I know it's pretty early, but live, laugh, love? Am
I right? Pattent painting? Patent painting, Solomon. Don't you dare
(28:49):
even think about stupid for me? I'm so sorry. Maybe
needs shoes. A wife needs shoes, kids need shoes, four
daughters need shoes. I've trademarked that you gotta buying the
job because this is not working out. This is already taken. Live, laugh, love,
It's already taken. When the history of humanity have those
(29:10):
three words been used in that order? Maybe possibly with
a comma in between living, laugh and laugh and love?
Maybe national calligraphy, a cursive or something. I could see
it in, like framed on a wall. I could see
that in like a living room. Anybody can see it
in a living wine because it's already there. It's ain't
every living room across America? Alright, and I am parched.
(29:35):
Come on, I'm I'm parched. We don't have to keep okay,
I'm parched. Yes, it's pretty early here, it's early right now,
get a little late. Now, well it's still before when
when people usually consume alcoholic beverages. All right, Yes, well
you know what I would say, Welcome to Jurassic Park. Oh,
(29:57):
now you know that's from what are you talking to?
Know that term during absolutely a movie Jurassic No, I'm
saying Jurassic Park. That's what I thought you said. Yes,
that's what I thought you said. Whenever in history has
anyone ever for any reason, under any circumstances, no matter
what time of day, no matter whether or not, as
(30:18):
I didn't, it's early to drink or late, I said,
welcome to Jurassic Park. Now I could see something like that.
I'm like on a big screen, that's where it lives,
where has been for the past thirty years. I could
see like an old man with a cane where with
the tip of the cane has a has a piece
(30:38):
of ambers it's been fossilized and has a has a
mosquito in it, and he steps out of a jeep
and and says, that's Sam Needles. He's a bronze source.
And lord dern, It's like like, what is going on here? Where?
Every why? Wire there? Dinace hours here and then hit
uh and uh. The guy from the flight says, she
(31:02):
did a sort of crazy sort of a bitch did it?
And then he says, Dr Sadler, Doctor, I can't remember
which same needle name was, Solomon, what you are like
a fortune teller for the past, your sports and teller
in the past or story and you say one time
(31:23):
when that exact thing that I just described has happened
nineteen ninety three, let me just I'm just gonna pull
up a cell phone. Doesn't solve all of this. Look
at it. Look, look, this is everything that you you're
actually a genius, Solom. You actually you have not known
about the existence of these things and the specificity of
(31:46):
of of the detail that you describe it so accurately
without being familiar that that is all right? How about
this one? Oh go boyl boy. You know, I mean,
I've had a long, long day thinking of things and
I'm sorry girl, thirsty, thirsty two, just thirsty. Yeah, I'm
(32:07):
getting real parched alight. Well like my grant, my dad,
I always said, um Miller time all right about next
curse on the doctor Tom the case of literally every
(32:28):
brand or film that's ever existed versus Solomon Um says
here that tens of thousands of claims of copyright infringement
against your start my client, he's never really I'm sorry,
I didn't I didn't prepare any statements. Jillian, can you
please take over ya? Let me just first inform you
(32:51):
about a little deal world. I know what you're saying,
even remember conversation. Well, a core reporter, please stop typing.
My client is what you might call a genius, and
he is a creative genius. He just works on a
(33:15):
different time frame than others, meaning he works backwards as
opposed to most geniuses can see the future or do
new things. He sees the past and repeat the old thing. Wow,
where you're going. Yes, it's a different kind of creativity.
(33:38):
Verst is highly unorthodox and I usually never do their sure,
but that's what I mean. Actors a judge try cases.
I've never usually don't do that. I don't really don't
know what I'm doing and what am I supposed to do? Next, Well,
you know what you're supposed to say, cases man, Yeah, yeah,
(33:58):
that I find for the I guess, I guess curs
just smashed. Um. Wow, that was you stapping in my chambers.
Come on, come on, come on, come on this in
the end and into the judges chambers generally. And I
gotta tell you really got me out of a jam there.
You did a great you did. I was worried. I
(34:22):
was worried. I had no business being in there. I
had no idea. You are natural. All the all the
examples of that guy gave of of of things that
he had claimed to have thought of. Yes, I heard
all that stuff already. I heard all of it. One summer.
Are saw Jurassic Park seven times in the theater seven times.
That's the first one. And I think I might be
(34:45):
the only person who saw The Lost World Part two
multiple times in the theater as well. Yeah, it wasn't there, crazy,
it was an extra in Jurassic Park three. So I've
seen all these things, is what I'm trying to say.
But you know what, you were able to do what
you were able to be unbiased even and though you
had seen all those things before, you were able to
wipe that out of your mind A good objective judge.
(35:10):
That's really kind to say, because because you know what,
you know what my motto is, was it? Nobody better
lay a finger on my bottom finger? Wow? Yeah, I thought.
I just now. I think I can make some money
off that. I think you're gonna need another lawyer for that.
We're close. That's why I'm gonna pick your lawyer. We're
friends now. We have fifty eight more minutes of you
(35:34):
being friends with me. Yes, what do you want to
do if you're hungry? Wow? Way, grab a snickers? You
grab let's grab or you know what. There's a place
do you want to would you like to go grab
a bite with me? I will, Yeah, I'm looking for
some entrees. That's gonna toller. I'll tell you what we're
worried about forty five minutes and then you can order
(35:56):
whatever you want off of the bottom left hardront of
the menu, on the front side of the manu okay,
the mark side and where stuff gets defensive. You know,
I could just pay for this meal myself. I'm not broke,
and I couldn't ask you to do that. I couldn't
ask you to pay for that meal. And every subsequent
(36:17):
meal in perpetuity for me. And also I couldn't ask
you to blow me five thousand dollars. I don't know.
I couldn't ask you to let me reach into your
back pocket and get your check out and write me
a check. No, I couldn't asked you to do that.
And I couldn't ask you. I couldn't ask you to
let me borrow your car and then just sign over
the title to you. Couldn't. And then I could go
(36:39):
go to the go to sell your car, they get
cash for it, and then I'm gonna take that cash
and invested some bit cor and even like, I have
no idea how, it's kind of worse, do you know?
I don't know ide I agree with all of this.
I couldn't do that. No, I couldn't. So you're gonna
do ll stuff for me? Now? I just asked you
to didn't ask you to do it? Come on, you
(37:00):
know what, We've been throw a lot together at this
right and I have thought about this. So when I
deny you, I don't want you to think that I'm
just denying you on the spot without having put any
thought into it. It took a lot of thoughts here
and I'm heartbroken, but I'm really going to have as
for you did not ask that, so fifty four minutes
(37:26):
left especially gets contributed if you had a chest sang
and producer Andy, I'm your host A and this was
This American Laughs Next time. This American Laugh with Aristotle
Attari and Andy Harris can be found wherever you get
your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review. You
(37:46):
can also find us on Instagram at This American Laugh
and on Twitter at American Laugh with three H. That's
American Laugh with three H
Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Atari and Andy Harris.
The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
like yourself, are esteemed sponsors and the all powerful, all
knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
(00:21):
revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator. Or more This American Laugh.
Listen to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
and now your first Random Sentence Day, which is alli
aren't the best for relationships? Jillian was expecting a guy
(00:45):
that was classy, debonair a taste for the finer things. Instead,
you really like potato edges. Can I look over the
menu again? Please? Yeah? Thank you, thank you? Grah grow Yeah,
what do you? What do you think? You know what?
I think I'm gonna go with the wedges? Yeah, yeah,
(01:08):
potato wedges. Really? Yeah, I think I'm gonna Are they
like fancy? Do they have like truffles or I'm trying
to see like, oh, I think if you order a
side of truffles, Oh, they don't, they don't oh you
have to. Okay, well just you know, I mean the
frog corod we're here. Yeah, but we're to celebrate your promotion. Yes,
(01:28):
and you know what, you order whatever you want off
of this menu. I personally I'm going to go with
the potato wedges. Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna feel bad.
You don't have to feel bad. No, no, no, just
order anything you want from this menu, from this quadrant
of the menu. Yeah, down here, right on the bottom right, Yeah,
(01:49):
anything you want from there. Okay, now that is it's
your day. Thank you, yes, thank you for clarifying. Horris.
Of course, these are just the appetizers. I'm like an
entre kind of woman. Okay, I mean I'm the first chair. Now, okay,
look at what time is it? In fifteen minutes, I'm
in the mood. Displurge, yes you, yes, promotion, yes, do it.
(02:13):
But in minutes you can flip over and you can
order anything you want off the happy hour menu in
the top left quadrant. Appetizers again. Yeah, no, no, no, no,
there's some entrees on there. I mean, if you, if you,
if you take multiple appetizers, can be in entree. Look,
one of us works really hard. Okay, yes, I do. Yes,
(02:36):
And these bills aren't going to pay themselves, No, they
are not. You're going to pay them, I am, because look,
I'm not gonna be getting any work anytime soon on
account of the injury. I wanted to talk to you about.
How are you feeling like in that chair? You look
a little uncomfortable. My ankle is still harding a little bit.
But that's what happens when you unintentionally slip and fall
(02:59):
in a target parking lot. Yeah, it happens. I want
to get back on the horse, that's right, wire not
so though I didn't get back to it too soon. Yeah, well,
once the disability check stuff rolling out, I'm sure that
that's that's really right around the time when I will heal. Yeah. Well,
as a lawyer, as as I am a first chair lawyer,
right now, I'm going to advise you to stop telling
(03:21):
me stuff like this because it kind of gives me
not plausible deniability, the opposite of plausible denying. Yeah, okay,
but but but in the way that it's like attorney
client privilege. This is confessing to crimes person hearing the
crimes privilege. Right, That's that's a thing, right, you are
trying really hard, and I will applaud you for knowing
(03:44):
about attorney client privilege, but that is actually a thing
that is only between you and your actual attorney, not
just any attorney, as I am days later doing at
a surprise pop in at her office. Julian, Hey, how
are you. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm still
(04:05):
a little full from that from that Melia bought me. Yeah,
you do look celebrate your promotion. That was very nice
of you. By the way, I don't know why I
forgot my wallet, probably because my wallet doesn't exist anyway,
I wanted to run something by you. Sure, how would
you feel about representing me? Okay, you know I thought
(04:27):
about that. It's not a specific case, by the way, Okay,
just in life, right, right, I have thought about representing you.
So I don't want you to think that I have
not given this any thought. When I deny you right now,
so I have thought about it a lot. When you
deny me, Oh so you've already y. Yes, I have
(04:48):
decided that this this is not going to work out.
I don't think. Okay, well, I know that as a lawyer,
you don't like to argue. Yeah, but I am entitled
to at least a one hour free consultation, So if
you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take advantage of the
(05:09):
next fifty eight minutes. Of course, try to convince you
to take on my overall life as a case. Well,
I don't want to have a bad reputation, so I
will hear you out. Eight minutes past, fifty eight minutes
passed by. Just let me know when that fifty eight
(05:29):
minutes is going to start. Here, God, what what? What? Night?
It's here, it's been here. I am so sorry. I
am so sorry. I did not become first chair by
behaving this way. But you are taking me to a
place where I need to suit you to get out
of my office. They didn't found themselves in Yeah, Ron,
(05:50):
we're having a hard time understanding what the problem is here.
Let me just definitely in here. She's refusing to represent
me as is my right. I see, well, the court reporter,
please read back the last fifty eight minutes of testimony.
Oh God, if the long, lean, tedious minutes pasted, Oh
(06:13):
you know what I find for I gotta be honest,
I haven't been listening to any of what any of you.
Yeah you cannot admit to that. But no garden, no,
no good. That is unacceptable. I have never in all
my years, I did not become first chair by listening
(06:34):
to this bullshit. I moved to strike what I just
said from the record. Thank you, saying it doesn't really
work like that. I would like to speak sure the
complaining attorney my chambers, please, thank you. I guess that's me.
Do they invent to the judge's chambers? She but notice
were any law books on the shelf? No degrees on
(06:57):
the wall? Portion counselor yes? Um? How do you feel
about representing me in life? There's something that works kind
of drifted off during that hole, during that whole part
and during the whole the whole, during the whole trial.
Just now so I I seem to remember the guy
saying that he wanted you to represent of your life.
(07:18):
But like I just kind of fell it, fell asleep
with my eyes open. You know what I would represent you?
Oh God? And I'll represent you form a very small
monetary feet as long as I can be guaranteed that
you kind of hear me out a little bit. I'm
not asking for you to do anything illegal here, Give
(07:41):
me preference because it sounds a lot of like I know,
it sounds like that some people would think that it was,
but they don't know the law. You know what. I
think a qualified judge might consider this to be bribery,
and it's very serious crime. But I don't see any
of those here. You're merring, dismissed, thank you, thank you.
(08:09):
This is this American laugh. I'm sorry. As always, I'm
joined by producer Andy and I especially guest contributor for
this week is Raphael chest Dang and our show we'll
be using our chest Random Sense generator to bring you
a fully improvised show in three acts. This week's theme originality.
That makes ideas unique, and that's what we all strive for.
(08:30):
Originality Day with Us. Act one bloc into the basement
with the horror movie from the night before playing in
his head. Sorry, trying to sleep down here, I just
(08:52):
I forgot my forgot my magazine. It's right under here.
Are you okay? The movie? The movie, but mylat sight
really stuck with me. I can't shake it. I should
never let you watch that. No, it's okay, you can.
This is a one off. Don't worry. I'm fine, I'll
be fine. This usually never happens, so you can. You'll
(09:12):
be fine letting me watch whatever I want in perpetuity.
Next morning, Johnny, Yes, father, why are you whine in
India Cereal? Because I'm nervous about Was it Tommy? I'll
be no, Yes, it was, it was? It wasn't it? Yes,
(09:37):
it was? It was definitely Tommy. It was badass little
boy he is, and I'm scared him and my last
interaction with him really stuck with me. Like a movie.
Do you know anything about that? I mean, of course
an example, movies don't really make that sort of an
impression on me. That would No. No, I think I'm
(09:59):
free to continue watching and consuming any sort of television
or a movie that I What are you mumbling about?
I'm trying, I'm getting No, it's Tommy, definitely Tommy. And
next day? What you keep me in trouble? What you
(10:23):
keep I told you it's gonna get me in trouble.
You keep whining, and now Dad thinks that I'm doing
something bad to you. Listen, you gotta do me this favor. Yes,
you just gotta take the heat every once in a while.
I can't do You want Dad to continue to let
us watch whatever we want or not. Yes, of course
I do. What then the sacrifice that you're going to
have to make is you're going to have to take
(10:43):
the blame for my outbursts of fear every once in
a while. Okay, but I can't keep beating dad's as
every night, all right, Yeah, I mean he kind of
deserves it a little. Yeah, he deserves that. He comes
at me, he's small. I mean, come on, you got
to admit that it feels a little good. Okay, it
feels good every once in a while, But sometimes I'd
like to imagine that he was like the dad that
(11:04):
could protect me from something, not like I gotta protect him. Listen,
just please just cut out the whining. Okay, next day again,
feeling real good, feeling real good today, extra good? Really, Yes,
your brother is getting what was that? You know? Sometimes
I just feel so good and comfortable and calm that
(11:25):
it just startles me. It's such a good feeling. He's fine.
Tommy's okay, tom He's okay, You're okay, because don't make
me have to go back in there again. The boy
is getting real good at jiu jitsu. Do you want
me to to reapply the bomb? Please? Good lord, why
you even ask sir? I'm looking over your chart here
and um, a lot of accidents recently. Yeah, I got
(11:50):
a lot of stairs. Can we move on please? That
doesn't need more to this is this is Jeffrey. He
is social work, grew with the state. Yeah, he just
wants to chat. He just wants to chat with you.
Is that? Is that? Okay? Would you mind if I yeah,
I can give you my number and then I'll just
be a now he would actually like to talk to
(12:12):
you right now and all right, let's go there. So
you doing, sir? How are you feeling? I'm feeling bad? Oh?
What why? Because of the because of yes, the accidents
down my stairs. We don't have much time. Somebody hurting you?
(12:33):
Somebody's hurting you? Is it? Is it? A big, strong,
scary adult? Almost really? Oh? What is the name of
the adult? Full grown adult? Because because clearly you're six
ft four, it must take a very strong, big Yes,
I am too old for this. I can't tell you
(12:55):
what happened. I cannot explain to you all the years
of living as has it taken. Sir, you're t Can
I talk to you for just a second? Just meet
and you are real quick. Excuse me. If you tell
what Tommy has been doing to you, you regret it
(13:20):
for the rest of your days. Don't you ruin this
US special work. They move forward with his investigation. The
family found themselves in the court room. All right, so
all right in the matter of Thomas's father versus a
very big, strong, scary adult man um, seems that all
parties aren't present here. Sorry, where where is the defendant?
(13:42):
I'm not seeing He's in Canada? Really? Yeah? And what's
his name? His name is Bills, Bills a baby, but
that his Bills the Baby. It's a stage name. I
don't have his real name. Well, the carey part of
please read back to the plaintiffs testimony. Players, Yes, your honor,
his name is Bells the baby, Bells, the baby, some trembling,
(14:05):
some trembling, and then he just kind of drifted off
and just stopped really talking. Thank you very much? All right,
I don't so please remember that you're under oath, sir. Yes,
are you making all of this up because you're embarrassed
of who's really hurting you? I gotta tell you, I
(14:28):
was not expecting you write off the battle like that. Well,
the core reporter please right back or I just said
I guess I just wasn't expecting you to to say that,
and then you just kind of stopped for a second
because I just think that you couldn't think of anything
else to say. Okay, I'm okay, Well you don't watch um.
(14:53):
I wish you'd all take a nap. Coming up Act,
But first, some words from our sponsors who make this
high quality program possible. Stay with us Act two, the
(15:21):
inter of you. That's welcome this week, specially guest contributor
Rafaelle chest saying, Rafaelle, welcome, Thank you. Good to have
you here, like it's good to be here. Have you
been listening to the show? I am a I have
been a very avid listener for at least two days. Yes, sure,
it's been two days. Or has it been like a
(15:42):
very long time? Oh? You know what actually has been
a very very long time. It was the first episode.
Do you ever heard the first episode? I heard? Uh
was the one where uh with the flying um raccoons.
Oh you know we actually have that at no episode? Yes? Really? Yeah?
(16:04):
And he has everything in his kay, let's hear that
clip now, Fara, look up there, Sarah, look look up there.
Where to your left, my left? Whoa what what is that?
What is that? What is it? It is to my laft?
I'm asking yes, I'm asking you what it is? Yes,
it's your laugh, Yeah, yes, what is it? What is it?
(16:27):
Flying something? What do you think it could be that's
flying up there? You know, I'll tell you what It
probably ain't Probably ain't pigs. That would make no sense.
It ain't flying money. You know what I think would
be good? I think that I well, yeah, if it
was flying money, but then it's not how would we
get to it's fine money? How would we get to it?
We would have to be like what would we do?
(16:49):
We have to build up down brick wall and then
put a ladder up next to it and then get
up to it or fly may fly drone up there.
Regardless what do you think it is? It ain't money,
and ain't pigs. Ain't no pigs, and it sure ain't
no money. It ain't a plane, It ain't trees. If
it was a plane, that would have been the first
thing that I said, Yeah, you know what I mean.
(17:11):
And it's it's very it's pretty easy identified plane, you
know what I mean, Because it has wings and it
has the lights. You ever look up in the sky
and you think it's a shooting star, but then you're like,
wait a minute, that shooting stars blinking and moving at
a steady rate, very slowly, and you're like, oh, ship,
that's the plane. Has that ever happened to you? Yeah,
that it happens to me. I think it might be
(17:32):
a rackcon is definitely why is that happening? How did
it happen? It must be a science experiment. I've seen
it on Netflix. Did yeah, it did so many searching
in these experiments. All right? Is that this is the
day we've been waiting for the day that finally we
(17:52):
will be recognized as the intelligent scientists that we are. Yes, Yes,
today is the day that we Oh, this kid be
right the raccoon, Oh, that's it. Raccoons fly, that's it.
That's it. Yeah, we made raccoons that because he was
trying to do something really spe what's the scientific benefits
of knowing whether or not raccoon could fly? Well, my
(18:15):
dad used to always say, raccoons are the scientists of
the woods. Your dad said back, yeah, because they go
investigating in the trash and they got all the fingers
in it. Very, very smart. So if you can give
them wings, that's about all they can't do. Your dad's
not all of this, Yes, and he was the smartest
man that I knew who never went to college. A
(18:38):
little deeper and found the audio if the Scientists father
on the deathbed, Son, Yes, I have two final things
to say to you. I'm here for both. First thing
is take care of your sister. She looks up to you. Yeah.
Second thing is, raccoons are scientists nature because they explore
(19:02):
the trash cans and they dig into the trash cans
with their tiny Why are you writing this down? I
was just telling that's fine, just like oh my hand
write to get a pan, Okay, okay, because they don't
need to start over, okay, okay. Raccoons a scientists of
foot of nature because they dig into the trash because
(19:25):
they have their little hands and they dig in through
the trash with their hands and they next page, I'm
not I'm not even one tenth of the way finished. Son.
So that was your favorite episode. Yeah, that was a
pretty good one. That's what we want some awards from
that one. Living. I'm an actor comedy writer. Before that,
(19:48):
I used to write for an entertainment news website. It
was one of those that was also a show, This
is Entertainment News show and website. And I did that
for nine years before that, so that was. Yeah, that
was most of the time that I was on here.
I moved out to l A and oh seven and
I started working there eight Wow. Yeah, was that fascinating work?
(20:10):
Was it fascinating? Uh so? I think most people would
probably or maybe not most people, but a lot of
people would consider it fascinating. I was not fascinated by it.
I don't. But there were some interesting things that happened.
Like I was there for the day that Michael Jackson died.
I was, Yeah, that was pretty big day I was there. Well, no,
(20:32):
I wasn't in the building when Whitney Houston died. That
was on the weekend. But um, yeah, I mean, yeah,
some interesting things happened. I have a question about that. Yeah.
Do they always have to break a story, regardless of
how trivial it is? Do they always have to put
the same amount of energy and like the thing? See,
this is what I mean, like that energy. I think
(20:54):
they believe it. That's what I mean. When you asked me,
is it fascinating? I think they really think it's some
of them really think it's fascinating. But yes, they do
have to do that because just imagine, like it's so dumb,
so you you gout you have it's a hearts that
you gotta sell it hard. We have we actually have
in our archives awesome audio of the of the story
(21:17):
pitch meetings from back then. Okay, okay, all right, everybody, Hey,
gather around. We've got a lot of hot stories that
I want everybody to give me your hottest story that
we we've got. I've got what's this right here? Andrew,
La Ran and Pan have split out. Oh my god,
Oh my god. They had a terrible disagreement and that
(21:42):
that was the last strong god, Oh my god, I
am not okay. I am not okay. After hearing this
nugget of information about this story. What other stories do
we have that aren't you even related? We have? We
have that Beyonce and jay Z grew apart. No, no,
(22:04):
this kid happy happened, but not now, not here, jazy?
Why be honest? Why I might have a chest pains?
Oh god? Why are they growing apart? What's happening to that?
But I heard that they were having separate friend groups,
(22:26):
and uh, they just kind of had different life experiences.
Oh god they Oh god, they weren't gonna go down
that winning. O. God, this news is so upsetting. I
might leave my wife. That was crazy. Yeah, things got
intense in there. Yeah it did. That's too bad. Yeah,
(22:46):
over some small stuff. You always know that you wanted
to do this for it? Yeah, pretty much. I knew
that I wanted to do it. I'm sure. Yeah. What
would you consider to be your big break? Well, when
I was when I was about four years old in Chica,
I'm originally from Chicago. Go we started doing the when
I say we, like, my brother and I started doing
commercials there and then I would also do theater there.
(23:07):
It's like a big theater town. And then um but yeah,
as far as like as an adult really college humor
in uh seen joint in college humor in twenty seventeen,
that was like the thing where I was like, okay, yeah,
I can make a living at this now. So you
did commercials when you were a kidding Yeah, yeah, yeah,
commercial I did. My first commersion was for stovetop stuff.
(23:28):
And as I opened the door and I say, Denise,
mom is making stovetop stuff in the night. It was
a national spot. Uh maybe it was national. I mean
I was like seven at that time, so I don't
remember if it was national or not. I just knew
there was a camera in my face. You want to
know something that in our archives we have the meeting
(23:49):
between you and your agents. Yes, when he was first
interviewing you, right when you were a kid. Okay, I
don't remember that. We do have it right, So you're
you're it's gonna be great. You all right? Next we
have rough fail chest ches. Just dang, I'm so sorry.
(24:15):
I didn't even finish writing the last name on this
piece of paper. And I'm very very sorry. No, that's okay, okay,
young man? Why why should I a very successful agent?
Many national commercials under my belt, some local, mostly local,
some national commercials. I mean, come on, let's let's be honest.
(24:37):
Things not really popping off like I hope they would
for me. Um, are you really bad? Now? I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I just sometimes I talk as I talk
out loud, and I just really am looking for my
big break. I'm looking for that one shient that's gonna
finally launch me into the stratosphere. And by into the stratosphere,
I mean in a position where I can actually pay
(25:00):
my gas bill this month. Shelley's going to leave if
they don't. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Rafael. Um
so oh no, no, no, no, no. This is a
happy one. This is a happy one. Yeah. Yeah, this
is a happy one. Okay. So this is for and
keep in mind, I really need this commission, okay, And
(25:23):
I'm giving you a break here because I only take
six commission Okay, Yes, it's standard. This is for stovetop stuffing.
All right, come on, please, you better, Rafael, throw us
a smile on that face. Because daddy needs shoes. I'm
(25:44):
not done listing the people in my family. Who needs shoes.
My wife needs shoes, My three daughters need shoes, My
four sons need shoes. The line is hey, momad sorry,
let me flip over this piece of paper. The line
is mom made stovetop stuffing. You're excited about the stuffing. Please, Okay,
(26:10):
here we go and go mom made stovetop stuffing. Tone,
what's the good God, are you gonna die? Everything's gonna
be okay for us from now on. Wow. That was
(26:34):
something that changed his life. That was really sad. That
was a lot sadder than I remember. I mean, it
was happy for you, right for him, for all the people.
How did my heart strings be coming? Everything you wanted
to talk about? Yeah, I think that's about it. It up. Well,
thank you very much for being here, of course, especially
(26:55):
guys contributed. Just saying up three words for my sponsors.
There was actually it must be five o'clock somewhere. But
(27:24):
the next pression he is as if he had claimed it.
I don't know about you, but I am a little
thirsty about you. You're thirsty. I mean, I know it's early,
but it's five o'clock somewhere around the round, around the earth.
(27:46):
It's pretty good. Huh. Patent pending? What patent pending? Patent pending?
What I just said? Don't you steal that? Wait you
think you came up with that? I just did right
now off the top of my head. Maybe I'll put
it on a T shirt. Maybe I'll hire some country
singer to sing a song by that title. Maybe he'll
(28:06):
be joined on stage by or someone like. I don't know,
I'm just pulling names out of a out of the air.
Jimmy Buffett, Jimmy Buffett, Solomon. This is something that has
been around for you. But they have t shirts of it.
They got they you've never been to a mom's house.
They got signs, they got posters. You gotta be kidding me. Yes,
(28:29):
it's a doing. Sometimes they have it with a little
cat and he's drinking the white. It is pretty cute,
you know what. I'm pretty thirsty? Are you thirsty? Yeah?
I know it's pretty early, but live, laugh, love? Am
I right? Pattent painting? Patent painting, Solomon. Don't you dare
(28:49):
even think about stupid for me? I'm so sorry. Maybe
needs shoes. A wife needs shoes, kids need shoes, four
daughters need shoes. I've trademarked that you gotta buying the
job because this is not working out. This is already taken. Live, laugh, love,
It's already taken. When the history of humanity have those
(29:10):
three words been used in that order? Maybe possibly with
a comma in between living, laugh and laugh and love?
Maybe national calligraphy, a cursive or something. I could see
it in, like framed on a wall. I could see
that in like a living room. Anybody can see it
in a living wine because it's already there. It's ain't
every living room across America? Alright, and I am parched.
(29:35):
Come on, I'm I'm parched. We don't have to keep okay,
I'm parched. Yes, it's pretty early here, it's early right now,
get a little late. Now, well it's still before when
when people usually consume alcoholic beverages. All right, Yes, well
you know what I would say, Welcome to Jurassic Park. Oh,
(29:57):
now you know that's from what are you talking to?
Know that term during absolutely a movie Jurassic No, I'm
saying Jurassic Park. That's what I thought you said. Yes,
that's what I thought you said. Whenever in history has
anyone ever for any reason, under any circumstances, no matter
what time of day, no matter whether or not, as
(30:18):
I didn't, it's early to drink or late, I said,
welcome to Jurassic Park. Now I could see something like that.
I'm like on a big screen, that's where it lives,
where has been for the past thirty years. I could
see like an old man with a cane where with
the tip of the cane has a has a piece
(30:38):
of ambers it's been fossilized and has a has a
mosquito in it, and he steps out of a jeep
and and says, that's Sam Needles. He's a bronze source.
And lord dern, It's like like, what is going on here? Where?
Every why? Wire there? Dinace hours here and then hit
uh and uh. The guy from the flight says, she
(31:02):
did a sort of crazy sort of a bitch did it?
And then he says, Dr Sadler, Doctor, I can't remember
which same needle name was, Solomon, what you are like
a fortune teller for the past, your sports and teller
in the past or story and you say one time
(31:23):
when that exact thing that I just described has happened
nineteen ninety three, let me just I'm just gonna pull
up a cell phone. Doesn't solve all of this. Look
at it. Look, look, this is everything that you you're
actually a genius, Solom. You actually you have not known
about the existence of these things and the specificity of
(31:46):
of of the detail that you describe it so accurately
without being familiar that that is all right? How about
this one? Oh go boyl boy. You know, I mean,
I've had a long, long day thinking of things and
I'm sorry girl, thirsty, thirsty two, just thirsty. Yeah, I'm
(32:07):
getting real parched alight. Well like my grant, my dad,
I always said, um Miller time all right about next
curse on the doctor Tom the case of literally every
(32:28):
brand or film that's ever existed versus Solomon Um says
here that tens of thousands of claims of copyright infringement
against your start my client, he's never really I'm sorry,
I didn't I didn't prepare any statements. Jillian, can you
please take over ya? Let me just first inform you
(32:51):
about a little deal world. I know what you're saying,
even remember conversation. Well, a core reporter, please stop typing.
My client is what you might call a genius, and
he is a creative genius. He just works on a
(33:15):
different time frame than others, meaning he works backwards as
opposed to most geniuses can see the future or do
new things. He sees the past and repeat the old thing. Wow,
where you're going. Yes, it's a different kind of creativity.
(33:38):
Verst is highly unorthodox and I usually never do their sure,
but that's what I mean. Actors a judge try cases.
I've never usually don't do that. I don't really don't
know what I'm doing and what am I supposed to do? Next, Well,
you know what you're supposed to say, cases man, Yeah, yeah,
(33:58):
that I find for the I guess, I guess curs
just smashed. Um. Wow, that was you stapping in my chambers.
Come on, come on, come on, come on this in
the end and into the judges chambers generally. And I
gotta tell you really got me out of a jam there.
You did a great you did. I was worried. I
(34:22):
was worried. I had no business being in there. I
had no idea. You are natural. All the all the
examples of that guy gave of of of things that
he had claimed to have thought of. Yes, I heard
all that stuff already. I heard all of it. One summer.
Are saw Jurassic Park seven times in the theater seven times.
That's the first one. And I think I might be
(34:45):
the only person who saw The Lost World Part two
multiple times in the theater as well. Yeah, it wasn't there, crazy,
it was an extra in Jurassic Park three. So I've
seen all these things, is what I'm trying to say.
But you know what, you were able to do what
you were able to be unbiased even and though you
had seen all those things before, you were able to
wipe that out of your mind A good objective judge.
(35:10):
That's really kind to say, because because you know what,
you know what my motto is, was it? Nobody better
lay a finger on my bottom finger? Wow? Yeah, I thought.
I just now. I think I can make some money
off that. I think you're gonna need another lawyer for that.
We're close. That's why I'm gonna pick your lawyer. We're
friends now. We have fifty eight more minutes of you
(35:34):
being friends with me. Yes, what do you want to
do if you're hungry? Wow? Way, grab a snickers? You
grab let's grab or you know what. There's a place
do you want to would you like to go grab
a bite with me? I will, Yeah, I'm looking for
some entrees. That's gonna toller. I'll tell you what we're
worried about forty five minutes and then you can order
(35:56):
whatever you want off of the bottom left hardront of
the menu, on the front side of the manu okay,
the mark side and where stuff gets defensive. You know,
I could just pay for this meal myself. I'm not broke,
and I couldn't ask you to do that. I couldn't
ask you to pay for that meal. And every subsequent
(36:17):
meal in perpetuity for me. And also I couldn't ask
you to blow me five thousand dollars. I don't know.
I couldn't ask you to let me reach into your
back pocket and get your check out and write me
a check. No, I couldn't asked you to do that.
And I couldn't ask you. I couldn't ask you to
let me borrow your car and then just sign over
the title to you. Couldn't. And then I could go
(36:39):
go to the go to sell your car, they get
cash for it, and then I'm gonna take that cash
and invested some bit cor and even like, I have
no idea how, it's kind of worse, do you know?
I don't know ide I agree with all of this.
I couldn't do that. No, I couldn't. So you're gonna
do ll stuff for me? Now? I just asked you
to didn't ask you to do it? Come on, you
(37:00):
know what, We've been throw a lot together at this
right and I have thought about this. So when I
deny you, I don't want you to think that I'm
just denying you on the spot without having put any
thought into it. It took a lot of thoughts here
and I'm heartbroken, but I'm really going to have as
for you did not ask that, so fifty four minutes
(37:26):
left especially gets contributed if you had a chest sang
and producer Andy, I'm your host A and this was
This American Laughs Next time. This American Laugh with Aristotle
Attari and Andy Harris can be found wherever you get
your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review. You
(37:46):
can also find us on Instagram at This American Laugh
and on Twitter at American Laugh with three H. That's
American Laugh with three H
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