September 6, 2022 • 19 mins
Too Much To Say is back! On this week's episode, Kalie discusses the concept of being “too much” and why you should never make yourself smaller to make someone feel better.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, I'm Kaylie Shot and this is too much
to say. Happy questions it out you all right, guys,
we're back. Um, it is too much to say. Two
(00:23):
point oh. I'm very excited about what's going to be
happening on the podcast and just like new things that
I have planned. Um, but one of the first new
things I wanted to bring in was what I have
too much to say about this week? Like every week,
I feel like I have something that I'm obsessed with
that I can't get over, And this week it is
(00:43):
the album Holy Fuck by Demi Lovato. Um, I literally
I can't get enough. I think it's such an incredible
piece of work and um, yeah, the whole thing is amazing.
Demi has been a huge inspiration of mine for my
entire teen years and she's been through so much. Also
(01:05):
side note, she recently went back to she slashed the
A pronounced, so I'm going to be using both um interchangeably. Um.
But she has been such a huge influence and I
always loved that she was so rock driven and her
music was like, I mean, it was like Disney, but
it was also really really hardcore rock. And yeah, I mean,
(01:27):
like you remember her old ones like every Time You
Lie or Catch Me or my favorite was here We
Go Again, Like I was obsessed with that song the
summer before ninth grade. And yeah, but this album, holy fuck.
It is very aptly titled UM but it is like
rock rock. And I was listening to their interview with
(01:49):
Zane Lowe on um Apple Radium and Demmy was talking
about how like she's had the same like she had
the same team for so long, and they really pushed
her in this pop started direction. She was like, I
was wearing, you know, bodysuits on stage singing pop songs.
I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't enjoying the performances,
and like with this album, I'm like so excited to
(02:09):
play them and it was just very cool and you
could see how excited she was. I already am getting
tickets to Nashville and l A on the tour. UM.
I think it's just going to be incredible. But there's
The album starts off with a song called Freak by
Young Blood and Demi wrote it like being inspired by
coming out as non binary and having people on the
internet be like you're fucking freak, and it's just such
(02:32):
a beautiful album that talks a lot about their sexuality
and experience in the music industry. But I'm going to
say my favorite song on there has to be twenty nine. Um.
It is a song about Demi, and um, they're supposed
I mean, it's I'm not gonna say it because of
defamation issues, but if you google it or look on Twitter,
(02:53):
you'll see who the song's about. But it's about somebody
that Demi dated when they were seventeen and the guy
was twenty nine. And the lyrics are just so brutal.
And if you've ever been a girl dating or a
guy honestly or whatever dating somebody older than you it
and it's like had an unhealthy power dynamic. This song
(03:14):
encapsulates it so well. And Um, I have my song eighteen,
which is on the Open Book Underbridge version, and it's
one of my favorite songs I've ever written, and this
kind of feels like similar to that, and so it
touches a certain part of my heart. Um, that inspired
me to write eighteen. But I'm going to read some
(03:35):
of the lyrics from the chorus and then you guys
are going to go listen to the album, right because
I haven't shown up about UM Finally twenty nine funny,
just like you were at the time. I thought it
was a teenage dream, just to fantasy. But was it
yours or was it mine? Seventy nine? Ah, it starts
my feelings. It's so good though, it's so good. So anyways,
(03:59):
I'm obsessed with the album and UM. I have always
felt like I would die for dem Mo Boto, but
the fangirl fangirl me doesn't doesn't go away. So that's
what I have to just say about this week. Okay,
(04:23):
So I've had a lot of time during the break
that we took from the podcast to come up with
ideas about what I want to talk about because sometimes
it's like, you know, I'm sure you guys being listeners,
you know, when there was more ever put into an
episode than another, and I want to make sure that
I'm doing that every week. So I was able to
stockpile some ideas and like, you know, just things I
(04:43):
wanted to cover because it's a lot of content. I mean,
like I've been writing three to five songs a week
and I'm doing a podcast that can be anywhere from
thirty minutes to an hour, and also trying to come
up with social content and have some visual things that
like I'm working on for my for my next project
(05:06):
and figuring out where I want to go with that.
So it's like I do only have so much brain,
So the time off was really great to have. Um
But on this episode, I have been musing for ideas
and I wanted to talk about the concept of being
too much, and that feels very fitting because it's in
the title and it's like too much to side two
(05:27):
point oh first episode. But I feel like people get
told this so much, and it always makes me really
sad because like, I don't know, I don't know. It's
like by people telling you that you're too much, it
feels a lot like being told that you're not enough,
and then it like makes you feel like you don't
(05:47):
have any self awareness and that you're just like all
over the place, and like really, it's just people saying
they're intimidated by your personality, and usually it's confidence and like,
obviously I've heard that so many times of my life.
My best friend Candy has heard that the entirety of
their lives, and I personally feel like I am attracted
(06:08):
to people who have been told that because I like relate,
and then I don't have to worry about making myself
smaller around these people. Now, the worst kind of version
is someone who's like, has a very large personality and
also can't be around people with large personalities because it's like, Okay,
well that's fucking dumb. But I love being around people
who like collect friends who are quote unquote too much.
(06:32):
And really it's like when you I mean, I think
that some of it goes back to being neurodivergent, Like
I have a d h D and a lot of
my friends are um have that or are on the
autism spectrum. And I've always connected with people very quickly
who have like a little bit of a quirk or
(06:52):
you know, are just an artist or just something that
other people consider quote unquote weird, even though none of
those things are weird. But I found, like, you know,
I'm just really comfortable around people who just get to
the fucking point, you know, Like it's the the tacit
rules of social interactions where you're not supposed to do
(07:12):
this and you're not supposed to do that, and none
of it makes any sense to me. Honestly. The whole
concept of white lies to protect social norms really stresses
me out, Like I don't think I'm capable of it,
and I try really hard, and I think that's why
I like I've historically gotten along really well with autistic
people because I'm not offended by bluntness, and I think
(07:33):
that's a huge characteristic of being on the spectrum. And
then like they're not offended by bluntness. It's just like
I don't think I'm harsh. I think i'm efficient. I
think I say exactly as on my mind, and it's
not in a like, oh, here's my unsolicit opinion about
your life way and your personal choices. It's like in
a I'm not going to waste any words, because why
(07:55):
would I waste our time like that my time, your time.
I respect both and just trying to like make my
language more flowery to deliver something that someone might perceive
its harsh. It's really exhausting, it's really hard, and I
just don't The thing is, I just don't know what
I'm doing it, and so like just coming in hot
(08:15):
with some real old fashioned black and white communication. People
think that's too much, but really I'm like, well, what
I think is too much is beating around the goddamn
bush for three hours and like making me listen to
a bunch of stuff that's irrelevant to what you're trying
to say. And also when people say something but they
want you to immediately know that they meant something different,
(08:37):
what the heck is that? What is that? It's like, well,
you should have known that I meant this. It's like, no,
I should have No. I don't think that it has
ever crime to take something that somebody says at face value.
It is your responsibility to communicate your needs and your
feelings that if you can't say them out loud, then
there's probably something wrong with your needs and your feelings. Girls,
he wouldn't feel so weird about it, right. Obviously that's
(09:00):
not a universal statement, but I do feel like it
applies very frequently. And yeah, so I've I've always been
told that I'm too much. Because of that, I've as
much as I've had friends that I feel like I
can be comfortable doing that around. I've also had friends
in my past who were constantly, like just threatened by
(09:22):
my very existence, and that's not a healthy friendship to have.
For self explanatory reasons. Um, but when we come back,
I'm going to talk about one of the saddest times,
I had a friend telling me that I was too much,
and yeah, I agree with that. Okay, we are back
(09:50):
on too much to say and talking about being too much,
overwhelming people with your individuality, with your confidence in their intensity.
And I had a friend and I used to attract
these people a lot um and I would just find
like they were constantly trying to make me less and
(10:11):
I would try to like compete with me in social situations.
And I didn't really see it as that until I
got older and until I went to therapy, And honestly,
I feel like my romantic relationships have been, you know, difficult,
but nothing is nothing can hurt me quite like a friend,
because you don't assume you're going to break up, you
(10:34):
don't like question it, you don't wonder if they're going
to break up with you. You're just like, okay, cool
for best friends forever. It's a lot easier to say
that than it is to say, like, I'm gonna date
you forever. But like, I've met people and been friends
with them and immediately been like best friends forever, and
you would not do that in a relationship like Candy
and I became friends because Candy literally just walked up
to me and was like after we played songs E
(10:54):
for dants together and was like, hey, like do you
want me friends? And I was like yeah, for sure,
and then like here we and I think that's beautiful.
But my more complex really friendships have really like left
me feeling so insecure and so down on myself. And
that's what I've had to spend a lot of therapy
dealing with was my family and my friendships versus ex boyfriends,
(11:18):
because that feels easy for me to understand. It's like, Okay,
we don't you didn't like me anyone, that's where we
broke up. Or you are insecure and needed to end
the relationship but couldn't do it without cheating on me,
and you have to do that in order to get out. Okay, fine,
easy to understand. Not cool, but easy to understand. So
with this one friend, um, it would be little things. Um.
(11:41):
We worked together a lot and I I loved working
with them, and I still get kind of sad thinking
about it because I missed that creativity I got to have.
And there's a Dolly Parton song It's like you can't
make old friends and that's so true. You can't. You can't.
And so that was hard, like losing the friendship just
because I wanted an old friend as I was going
(12:04):
through these like really rough things that inspired up in book.
But the friend was gone. And I think it was
a slow burn leading up to that point, but I
didn't necessarily see it because I just was taking things
at face value. But there was so much to see
between the lines. And there was a time that this
friend and I, um we had. I was releasing a
(12:27):
song that I wrote with them, and they were releasing
a song around the same time, and they knew that
our song we wrote together was coming out, and I
was like, I would be so excited, Like I just
think that would be awesome. I don't know, I don't know.
I was like really pumped to have written the song
with my friend and how it coming out, and we
both knew we were have them coming up like the
same month. I was trying to figure out my release
(12:48):
date and I had to move it because I got
a really big radio premiere that I had to take
them up on and that was the only day they
could do it. And you don't get to be like, oh,
never mind, sorry, huge radio conglomerate, Um, we have to
pick a different day because my friend has a song
coming out that day, And trutually, I didn't even think
about it because I was like, oh my god, that's
gonna be so cool, like they have their single coming
out and a song they wrote with me coming out
(13:08):
on the same day, Like how freaking fun. Right, Well,
they did not feel the same way, and I kind
of had a pit in my stomach feeling like it
was going to be contentious when I told them, But
I was like, I mean, I knew it shouldn't be,
but I did also know that I was like kind
of a little bit afraid of this friend and walked
on eggshells around them because there were so like many
(13:31):
tacent rules to like dodge and all of that. And
I remember telling them like, hey, by the way, like
we had to change the release date because we got
this huge premiere, like is not so exciting it's our song,
like it's going to be on the radio. And they
didn't talk to me for a week and made it
very clear the reason why they didn't talk to me
(13:52):
for a week, and it was because like they're like, well,
I just feel like you're you're stealing my spotlight and
you're taking my day away from me, and like I
really wanted that day to be about me and my song,
and I was like, well, it's about you and both
your songs, like you know, and I don't think it
impedes on anything, Like, if anything, I thought it would
be really cute. We can have like a little party
together and be like happy release day. But this friend
(14:14):
was always really threatened by um other other girls in
the music industry. I think I think that's been a
recurring problem for them. And yeah, it was just a
huge bomber and it totally like took the fun out
of the release for me because I was so sad
that I was making my friend like hurting my friend's
feelings and like I wasn't able to like fully be
(14:38):
present for the release. And they got over it, or
maybe didn't, but they made it seem like they got
over it. And then there was a time that I
was making my opera debut and we were um I
was playing a song that we wrote together, which I
was so excited and I've gotten to be at the
opery when Mickey Guyton sang a song that we wrote
(14:58):
together and it was like the cool thing ever, Like
I love when my songs have lives through other people,
and it was so special and like I just was
like there to see Mickey doer thing. But when I
made my opera debut, you only get like a certain
amount of tickets, like I think you get like ten
discounted tickets and ten people backstage, which sounds like a lot,
(15:18):
but it stacks up really quickly because I had my
two musicians, so that's two people who played with me,
and then I had, um, you know, my manager, my videographer,
my other manager, my publicist, his assistant, my agent, I
think my other agent came, and my publisher. So that's
ten people already. And I think they even bent the
(15:40):
roles and let's have some extra people. But my friends
had to be in the audience, and like it wasn't
always going to be like that, Like I was going
to play the opery. I mean I played at like
twenty five times at this point, so there were many
other times that I could bring people with me, but
the first time like had to be it was it
was very work related. It was fun, but it was
like a celebration for me and my team. It was
necessarily a party with my friends backstage, um, and they
(16:04):
were like really really upset that they weren't backstage, and
they were really upset that, like they weren't close to
the stage, and I felt like I wasn't giving them
enough attention that night, and I had a party afterwards
because there's a David Busters across the street from the opery,
so it was like really special and oh and my
(16:25):
mom was there, like my family came in and like
that never happens for me, so that was like a
really big deal. And they just felt like I'd been
like blowing them off, and I was like, well, I mean,
I just I'm not I just you're my You're my
best friend. You know I love you. You You know that
this is cool, but there's so many people to balance,
and they just felt like I was being like sucking
(16:47):
the air out of the room and needing to be
a diva and not being able to acknowledge them, which
is like so incorrect, and it just made me feel
so bad, and like at the time, I was like, oh,
my on, I'm a horrible friend. Like I wasn't like, oh,
you're asking unrealistic things for me, and actually it feels
like you're trying to suck the air out of the room.
(17:07):
I was just like, wow, I'm a horrible friend. This sucks.
And as time has gone on, I've been like able
to and I still work on it because I've had
a lot of times, especially in the past year and
a half, like, as I've gone through some really hard
friendship losses, I've been so insecure and questioned myself in
(17:28):
social settings and felt like I don't know what I'm doing,
and then I'm just like flailing about and everyone can
tell how awkward I am accept me and that I
have no self awareness, which is like my deepest fear,
because there's nothing worse than being a completely different human
than you think you are. Like that stresses me out
so much, and so I actually think I have pretty
good self awareness. But even as I'm saying these things
(17:50):
and I kind of know them, I'm still doubting myself.
I'm like, no, you don't, and it's just been a
difficult process to be fully my elf. But I'm also like, Okay,
I don't work in a cubicle and I don't have
a boss who needs me to dress the same as
everybody else. And I've had those jobs and all that
like I'm like, I'm an artist, and I, to some
(18:12):
extent get to do whatever the funk I want in
certain areas of my life, and so why would I
conform to somebody else's expectation to me when I have
the freedom in the way that my life is set
up and the way my life functions to be completely
myself and I am no longer going to entertain thoughts
(18:35):
about being too intense or being too loud, or talking
too much, or you know, just acting like myself. And
my friends know those traits about me, and clearly it
doesn't bother them because they're still around. The ones who
couldn't handle it are gone. Um, And I care so
(18:56):
deeply about people, and I really love being around them
and I love getting to know them. And I don't
like how I feel when I'm socially anxious, Like I
really hate it because it doesn't feel like me and
it doesn't feel like the core of who I am.
So I'm working on that, and may we all feel
more comfortable taking up space in the world and being
our fullest selves, but also you know, knowing when to
(19:16):
tone it down and like let things be about other people.
I think there's also a balance there. But thank you
so much for listening. This is too much to say.
Two point oh thank you guys for sticking around during
the Minnisota era. But we were back and I will
see you next week. On too much to say, I'm
Kaylie Shure You'll have a good one. Don't go asking questions.
(19:41):
U turn it out. You
Hey guys, I'm Kaylie Shot and this is too much
to say. Happy questions it out you all right, guys,
we're back. Um, it is too much to say. Two
(00:23):
point oh. I'm very excited about what's going to be
happening on the podcast and just like new things that
I have planned. Um, but one of the first new
things I wanted to bring in was what I have
too much to say about this week? Like every week,
I feel like I have something that I'm obsessed with
that I can't get over, And this week it is
(00:43):
the album Holy Fuck by Demi Lovato. Um, I literally
I can't get enough. I think it's such an incredible
piece of work and um, yeah, the whole thing is amazing.
Demi has been a huge inspiration of mine for my
entire teen years and she's been through so much. Also
(01:05):
side note, she recently went back to she slashed the
A pronounced, so I'm going to be using both um interchangeably. Um.
But she has been such a huge influence and I
always loved that she was so rock driven and her
music was like, I mean, it was like Disney, but
it was also really really hardcore rock. And yeah, I mean,
(01:27):
like you remember her old ones like every Time You
Lie or Catch Me or my favorite was here We
Go Again, Like I was obsessed with that song the
summer before ninth grade. And yeah, but this album, holy fuck.
It is very aptly titled UM but it is like
rock rock. And I was listening to their interview with
(01:49):
Zane Lowe on um Apple Radium and Demmy was talking
about how like she's had the same like she had
the same team for so long, and they really pushed
her in this pop started direction. She was like, I
was wearing, you know, bodysuits on stage singing pop songs.
I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't enjoying the performances,
and like with this album, I'm like so excited to
(02:09):
play them and it was just very cool and you
could see how excited she was. I already am getting
tickets to Nashville and l A on the tour. UM.
I think it's just going to be incredible. But there's
The album starts off with a song called Freak by
Young Blood and Demi wrote it like being inspired by
coming out as non binary and having people on the
internet be like you're fucking freak, and it's just such
(02:32):
a beautiful album that talks a lot about their sexuality
and experience in the music industry. But I'm going to
say my favorite song on there has to be twenty nine. Um.
It is a song about Demi, and um, they're supposed
I mean, it's I'm not gonna say it because of
defamation issues, but if you google it or look on Twitter,
(02:53):
you'll see who the song's about. But it's about somebody
that Demi dated when they were seventeen and the guy
was twenty nine. And the lyrics are just so brutal.
And if you've ever been a girl dating or a
guy honestly or whatever dating somebody older than you it
and it's like had an unhealthy power dynamic. This song
(03:14):
encapsulates it so well. And Um, I have my song eighteen,
which is on the Open Book Underbridge version, and it's
one of my favorite songs I've ever written, and this
kind of feels like similar to that, and so it
touches a certain part of my heart. Um, that inspired
me to write eighteen. But I'm going to read some
(03:35):
of the lyrics from the chorus and then you guys
are going to go listen to the album, right because
I haven't shown up about UM Finally twenty nine funny,
just like you were at the time. I thought it
was a teenage dream, just to fantasy. But was it
yours or was it mine? Seventy nine? Ah, it starts
my feelings. It's so good though, it's so good. So anyways,
(03:59):
I'm obsessed with the album and UM. I have always
felt like I would die for dem Mo Boto, but
the fangirl fangirl me doesn't doesn't go away. So that's
what I have to just say about this week. Okay,
(04:23):
So I've had a lot of time during the break
that we took from the podcast to come up with
ideas about what I want to talk about because sometimes
it's like, you know, I'm sure you guys being listeners,
you know, when there was more ever put into an
episode than another, and I want to make sure that
I'm doing that every week. So I was able to
stockpile some ideas and like, you know, just things I
(04:43):
wanted to cover because it's a lot of content. I mean,
like I've been writing three to five songs a week
and I'm doing a podcast that can be anywhere from
thirty minutes to an hour, and also trying to come
up with social content and have some visual things that
like I'm working on for my for my next project
(05:06):
and figuring out where I want to go with that.
So it's like I do only have so much brain,
So the time off was really great to have. Um
But on this episode, I have been musing for ideas
and I wanted to talk about the concept of being
too much, and that feels very fitting because it's in
the title and it's like too much to side two
(05:27):
point oh first episode. But I feel like people get
told this so much, and it always makes me really
sad because like, I don't know, I don't know. It's
like by people telling you that you're too much, it
feels a lot like being told that you're not enough,
and then it like makes you feel like you don't
(05:47):
have any self awareness and that you're just like all
over the place, and like really, it's just people saying
they're intimidated by your personality, and usually it's confidence and like,
obviously I've heard that so many times of my life.
My best friend Candy has heard that the entirety of
their lives, and I personally feel like I am attracted
(06:08):
to people who have been told that because I like relate,
and then I don't have to worry about making myself
smaller around these people. Now, the worst kind of version
is someone who's like, has a very large personality and
also can't be around people with large personalities because it's like, Okay,
well that's fucking dumb. But I love being around people
who like collect friends who are quote unquote too much.
(06:32):
And really it's like when you I mean, I think
that some of it goes back to being neurodivergent, Like
I have a d h D and a lot of
my friends are um have that or are on the
autism spectrum. And I've always connected with people very quickly
who have like a little bit of a quirk or
(06:52):
you know, are just an artist or just something that
other people consider quote unquote weird, even though none of
those things are weird. But I found, like, you know,
I'm just really comfortable around people who just get to
the fucking point, you know, Like it's the the tacit
rules of social interactions where you're not supposed to do
(07:12):
this and you're not supposed to do that, and none
of it makes any sense to me. Honestly. The whole
concept of white lies to protect social norms really stresses
me out, Like I don't think I'm capable of it,
and I try really hard, and I think that's why
I like I've historically gotten along really well with autistic
people because I'm not offended by bluntness, and I think
(07:33):
that's a huge characteristic of being on the spectrum. And
then like they're not offended by bluntness. It's just like
I don't think I'm harsh. I think i'm efficient. I
think I say exactly as on my mind, and it's
not in a like, oh, here's my unsolicit opinion about
your life way and your personal choices. It's like in
a I'm not going to waste any words, because why
(07:55):
would I waste our time like that my time, your time.
I respect both and just trying to like make my
language more flowery to deliver something that someone might perceive
its harsh. It's really exhausting, it's really hard, and I
just don't The thing is, I just don't know what
I'm doing it, and so like just coming in hot
(08:15):
with some real old fashioned black and white communication. People
think that's too much, but really I'm like, well, what
I think is too much is beating around the goddamn
bush for three hours and like making me listen to
a bunch of stuff that's irrelevant to what you're trying
to say. And also when people say something but they
want you to immediately know that they meant something different,
(08:37):
what the heck is that? What is that? It's like, well,
you should have known that I meant this. It's like, no,
I should have No. I don't think that it has
ever crime to take something that somebody says at face value.
It is your responsibility to communicate your needs and your
feelings that if you can't say them out loud, then
there's probably something wrong with your needs and your feelings. Girls,
he wouldn't feel so weird about it, right. Obviously that's
(09:00):
not a universal statement, but I do feel like it
applies very frequently. And yeah, so I've I've always been
told that I'm too much. Because of that, I've as
much as I've had friends that I feel like I
can be comfortable doing that around. I've also had friends
in my past who were constantly, like just threatened by
(09:22):
my very existence, and that's not a healthy friendship to have.
For self explanatory reasons. Um, but when we come back,
I'm going to talk about one of the saddest times,
I had a friend telling me that I was too much,
and yeah, I agree with that. Okay, we are back
(09:50):
on too much to say and talking about being too much,
overwhelming people with your individuality, with your confidence in their intensity.
And I had a friend and I used to attract
these people a lot um and I would just find
like they were constantly trying to make me less and
(10:11):
I would try to like compete with me in social situations.
And I didn't really see it as that until I
got older and until I went to therapy, And honestly,
I feel like my romantic relationships have been, you know, difficult,
but nothing is nothing can hurt me quite like a friend,
because you don't assume you're going to break up, you
(10:34):
don't like question it, you don't wonder if they're going
to break up with you. You're just like, okay, cool
for best friends forever. It's a lot easier to say
that than it is to say, like, I'm gonna date
you forever. But like, I've met people and been friends
with them and immediately been like best friends forever, and
you would not do that in a relationship like Candy
and I became friends because Candy literally just walked up
to me and was like after we played songs E
(10:54):
for dants together and was like, hey, like do you
want me friends? And I was like yeah, for sure,
and then like here we and I think that's beautiful.
But my more complex really friendships have really like left
me feeling so insecure and so down on myself. And
that's what I've had to spend a lot of therapy
dealing with was my family and my friendships versus ex boyfriends,
(11:18):
because that feels easy for me to understand. It's like, Okay,
we don't you didn't like me anyone, that's where we
broke up. Or you are insecure and needed to end
the relationship but couldn't do it without cheating on me,
and you have to do that in order to get out. Okay, fine,
easy to understand. Not cool, but easy to understand. So
with this one friend, um, it would be little things. Um.
(11:41):
We worked together a lot and I I loved working
with them, and I still get kind of sad thinking
about it because I missed that creativity I got to have.
And there's a Dolly Parton song It's like you can't
make old friends and that's so true. You can't. You can't.
And so that was hard, like losing the friendship just
because I wanted an old friend as I was going
(12:04):
through these like really rough things that inspired up in book.
But the friend was gone. And I think it was
a slow burn leading up to that point, but I
didn't necessarily see it because I just was taking things
at face value. But there was so much to see
between the lines. And there was a time that this
friend and I, um we had. I was releasing a
(12:27):
song that I wrote with them, and they were releasing
a song around the same time, and they knew that
our song we wrote together was coming out, and I
was like, I would be so excited, Like I just
think that would be awesome. I don't know, I don't know.
I was like really pumped to have written the song
with my friend and how it coming out, and we
both knew we were have them coming up like the
same month. I was trying to figure out my release
(12:48):
date and I had to move it because I got
a really big radio premiere that I had to take
them up on and that was the only day they
could do it. And you don't get to be like, oh,
never mind, sorry, huge radio conglomerate, Um, we have to
pick a different day because my friend has a song
coming out that day, And trutually, I didn't even think
about it because I was like, oh my god, that's
gonna be so cool, like they have their single coming
out and a song they wrote with me coming out
(13:08):
on the same day, Like how freaking fun. Right, Well,
they did not feel the same way, and I kind
of had a pit in my stomach feeling like it
was going to be contentious when I told them, But
I was like, I mean, I knew it shouldn't be,
but I did also know that I was like kind
of a little bit afraid of this friend and walked
on eggshells around them because there were so like many
(13:31):
tacent rules to like dodge and all of that. And
I remember telling them like, hey, by the way, like
we had to change the release date because we got
this huge premiere, like is not so exciting it's our song,
like it's going to be on the radio. And they
didn't talk to me for a week and made it
very clear the reason why they didn't talk to me
(13:52):
for a week, and it was because like they're like, well,
I just feel like you're you're stealing my spotlight and
you're taking my day away from me, and like I
really wanted that day to be about me and my song,
and I was like, well, it's about you and both
your songs, like you know, and I don't think it
impedes on anything, Like, if anything, I thought it would
be really cute. We can have like a little party
together and be like happy release day. But this friend
(14:14):
was always really threatened by um other other girls in
the music industry. I think I think that's been a
recurring problem for them. And yeah, it was just a
huge bomber and it totally like took the fun out
of the release for me because I was so sad
that I was making my friend like hurting my friend's
feelings and like I wasn't able to like fully be
(14:38):
present for the release. And they got over it, or
maybe didn't, but they made it seem like they got
over it. And then there was a time that I
was making my opera debut and we were um I
was playing a song that we wrote together, which I
was so excited and I've gotten to be at the
opery when Mickey Guyton sang a song that we wrote
(14:58):
together and it was like the cool thing ever, Like
I love when my songs have lives through other people,
and it was so special and like I just was
like there to see Mickey doer thing. But when I
made my opera debut, you only get like a certain
amount of tickets, like I think you get like ten
discounted tickets and ten people backstage, which sounds like a lot,
(15:18):
but it stacks up really quickly because I had my
two musicians, so that's two people who played with me,
and then I had, um, you know, my manager, my videographer,
my other manager, my publicist, his assistant, my agent, I
think my other agent came, and my publisher. So that's
ten people already. And I think they even bent the
(15:40):
roles and let's have some extra people. But my friends
had to be in the audience, and like it wasn't
always going to be like that, Like I was going
to play the opery. I mean I played at like
twenty five times at this point, so there were many
other times that I could bring people with me, but
the first time like had to be it was it
was very work related. It was fun, but it was
like a celebration for me and my team. It was
necessarily a party with my friends backstage, um, and they
(16:04):
were like really really upset that they weren't backstage, and
they were really upset that, like they weren't close to
the stage, and I felt like I wasn't giving them
enough attention that night, and I had a party afterwards
because there's a David Busters across the street from the opery,
so it was like really special and oh and my
(16:25):
mom was there, like my family came in and like
that never happens for me, so that was like a
really big deal. And they just felt like I'd been
like blowing them off, and I was like, well, I mean,
I just I'm not I just you're my You're my
best friend. You know I love you. You You know that
this is cool, but there's so many people to balance,
and they just felt like I was being like sucking
(16:47):
the air out of the room and needing to be
a diva and not being able to acknowledge them, which
is like so incorrect, and it just made me feel
so bad, and like at the time, I was like, oh,
my on, I'm a horrible friend. Like I wasn't like, oh,
you're asking unrealistic things for me, and actually it feels
like you're trying to suck the air out of the room.
(17:07):
I was just like, wow, I'm a horrible friend. This sucks.
And as time has gone on, I've been like able
to and I still work on it because I've had
a lot of times, especially in the past year and
a half, like, as I've gone through some really hard
friendship losses, I've been so insecure and questioned myself in
(17:28):
social settings and felt like I don't know what I'm doing,
and then I'm just like flailing about and everyone can
tell how awkward I am accept me and that I
have no self awareness, which is like my deepest fear,
because there's nothing worse than being a completely different human
than you think you are. Like that stresses me out
so much, and so I actually think I have pretty
good self awareness. But even as I'm saying these things
(17:50):
and I kind of know them, I'm still doubting myself.
I'm like, no, you don't, and it's just been a
difficult process to be fully my elf. But I'm also like, Okay,
I don't work in a cubicle and I don't have
a boss who needs me to dress the same as
everybody else. And I've had those jobs and all that
like I'm like, I'm an artist, and I, to some
(18:12):
extent get to do whatever the funk I want in
certain areas of my life, and so why would I
conform to somebody else's expectation to me when I have
the freedom in the way that my life is set
up and the way my life functions to be completely
myself and I am no longer going to entertain thoughts
(18:35):
about being too intense or being too loud, or talking
too much, or you know, just acting like myself. And
my friends know those traits about me, and clearly it
doesn't bother them because they're still around. The ones who
couldn't handle it are gone. Um, And I care so
(18:56):
deeply about people, and I really love being around them
and I love getting to know them. And I don't
like how I feel when I'm socially anxious, Like I
really hate it because it doesn't feel like me and
it doesn't feel like the core of who I am.
So I'm working on that, and may we all feel
more comfortable taking up space in the world and being
our fullest selves, but also you know, knowing when to
(19:16):
tone it down and like let things be about other people.
I think there's also a balance there. But thank you
so much for listening. This is too much to say.
Two point oh thank you guys for sticking around during
the Minnisota era. But we were back and I will
see you next week. On too much to say, I'm
Kaylie Shure You'll have a good one. Don't go asking questions.
(19:41):
U turn it out. You
Host
Kalie Shorr
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