April 22, 2025 • 41 mins
Daniel recaps his New York tour, traveling abroad with the in-laws, and why he doesn’t mix family vacations with Eddie.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
How many times do you think over to or under
two that I was recognized in Portugal and it could
be by American tourist as well. Over over under look
how I'm dressed to you idiots? Tosh Tosh Show, Welcome
(00:21):
to Tosh Show, are found Math three own Blueberry. Louis Armstrong.
You like Louis Eddie? I like Louis man his voice.
When you listen to him sing, it's hard not to
(00:42):
feel like, is he doing a bit sound very like?
Are there like white producers, like racist white producers in
the back going yeah, yeah, you go with that, that's great?
Or is it a beautiful voice and it's just of
a time that that doesn't hold up today? I don't know,
(01:03):
but dude, love it. I mean, I don't even know
if I'm supposed to be doing a Louis Armstrong impression.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Well, I think if you tell people that's what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
You're okay, Yeah, that's Louis Armstrong. There you go.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
He's not just being a grace person over here?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
How did what's his name? Who's the original singer? Fat's?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
What's that domino?
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Fats Domino? How did he sound? I don't know. I
can't I can't in my head think how Fats Domino sounded,
but Louis's version. Then, of course Elvis did a version
as he always did, stealing the cool from black people.
Hhmm speaking a racist. Our president, you know, is as
(01:45):
bad as I think he is, and as much as
I give it to him for broken promises after broken promises.
Here's I will say this. I do hope he has
a healthy three and a half years of this final term. Well,
because Eddie, I wasn't gonna end it at that.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Okay, you got something coming here, all right.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Because Heaven help us if Vance were given the keys
to the car. I mean, this dip shit is off
the chart. Everything you need to know about Vance can
be summed up in him drop in the National Championship Trophy.
(02:39):
That's just who he is. I'm this dip shit. I mean,
I'm not. This isn't a unique take. I believe everyone
hates this man. His wife hates him. I think Republicans
for the most part, are like, oh no, no, he's
not our guy. Anybody that read that memoir. Did you
read his book? No Ah, but you own a copy?
Speaker 2 (03:02):
No, just see balance out. It was a bed's kind
of like wobby got a leg.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
You got a wobbly bed. That's fucking crazy that a
memoir could balance that. You know somebody that once went
by initials. I had a roommate, an older roommate. His
name was Daniel, and my father was Daniel, and you
know one of my closest friends was Daniel. I went
(03:29):
by DT for a long time. Uh, some close friends
still call me DT. But uh, in general, if if
you have like little initials, you're kind of a fucking idiot.
You know what his real name is, James Dave Advance JD.
I don't like anybody that tries to bumpin up their name.
(03:51):
The only name that I remotely appreciate. That's kind of
bumpkin up this old cousin baby billy. And see now
they're they're like, hey, how do we mock these stupid people? Well,
why don't we call them cousin baby billy? Oh all right,
they did it? What about JD Vance? Now it's too
nail on head? Let's go cousin baby billy. Now, you
(04:11):
guys don't want to hear my elitist views on things.
Speaking of elitist, The White Lotus season three, are they
still talking about all the shenanigans that happened behind the
scenes during the filming. Here's what they should have done.
They should have just filmed that and aired it. I'd
much rather watch Bachelor and Paradise White Lotus Thailand. I
(04:33):
don't know what you'd call it. That's good. Sounds like
they're all just having fun, you know, a couple married
people doing what you do in Thailand, pretending you are
that little Asian girl. I didn't enjoy the season, but
I didn't not enjoy it, like I was like. I
watched it and I was like, Okay, is this hotel
(04:56):
kind of annoys me? I don't want to stay there
after I see it. I don't know how somebody that
murdered somebody at one of these hotels goes and buys
a property at another one of their locations and doesn't
think that that might come back to haunt them. Why
wouldn't he be like, well, I can't. That's a great deal,
(05:20):
but can't be the same property. If I killed my
wife at a Marriott, you can just kiss those points goodbye.
I'm never gonna redeem them. Those points are gone forever.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
It's you got to change properties.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, speaking of a bunch of rich white people on
vacation who wants to hear about mine? Enjoy casa, guys,
I'm back from vacation. Now you didn't even notice because
the people behind the scenes keep this show just churning.
(05:57):
But last week Eddie and I went to work in
New York, New Jersey and Philadelphia, and then we parted ways.
Eddie went to Rome and I went to Portugal. This
is how I dress when I'm in Portugal.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Well, sure you do. I look sophisticated, Yeah you do.
I blend in. People speak to me in Portuguese. They don't.
They don't come at me. They're happy to see me.
But before we get into it, let's Eddie. Let's tell
people how the shows in New York went. See. I
went to New York first because my wife and I
(06:36):
had some meetings. By the way, when you go to
New York City and you haven't been in a while,
it does take you a few minutes to go Oh,
I forgot, everything is filthy. Why did I bring my
good sneakers? Yeah, that's just as soon as I got there,
I was like, oh, it's been raining and I've got beautiful,
(06:56):
brand new sneakers on this is discussed. Well, we went.
We had some meetings. That's always stressful. I was meeting
with book publishers. My wife and I are going to
write a book together. It's a it's purely a sexual
that's not what the book's about. Eh. Whatever, you heed
these meetings, you just you sit in there and they
(07:20):
bring in some book publishers and you get like thirty
minutes to an hour with them, and you you just
try to be funny. I guess I don't know, like,
which one did you gel the most with? I'm like,
I don't know which one's gonna pay me the most.
I'll figure out the geling later. Anyway, my wife is
really good in the meetings. I was probably better, but
that's you know, I've got more experience. But she held
(07:43):
her own. You know. We had we had written samples
of what we would bring to the table, and they
were blown away. Then they came to our show that night,
well not all of them, but the ones that we liked.
We offered them tickets. The ones that seemed like they
were kicking the tires. Nah, you're not getting free tickets,
especially when I'm sold out. I get a percentage of
(08:05):
that door. Anyway, if you were to ask me, of
the five shows that we did, Eddie, which was my
least favorite, I would say, hands down the first show
in New York City, Okay, because that was the only
one that I had pressure on the rest of them,
I was loose as a goose. Here's another thing. One
of the head promoters came out to see me in
(08:26):
New York and we were talking. He's like, Oh, you're
gonna wear that tomorrow in New Jersey. I had like
a pink jacket on or something. I'm like, I don't know.
He was like those people, Yeah, we were in New Brunswick,
New Jersey. I'm gonna say they were great. Yep, it
was wonderful. The people, they were great, great size theater too.
The theater's beautiful. Two shows. Wasn't my best show, I'm
(08:50):
gonna say, yes, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna say it
was my best show in New Jersey. Then we went
to Philly, got ourselves a cheeseteak. Where do we get
cheesteaks at from? Eddie? Oh brother, is that a good place? Eddie?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
I mean, I feel like they're all the same.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Oh shit. By the way, that day before the Philly Show.
The Philly Show was on a Sunday night. On the
way there, we had from New York City. We had
gotten two large pizzas from a place that we like.
We're eating the pizzas on the drive there, and then
we did the show, and then on the way back
(09:27):
we were eating cheese steaks. That is disgusting. And then
the next day, the next day, Eddie pulls off arguably
the greatest father slash husband bullshit move of all time.
Let me explain this to people. Were doing this these shows,
(09:48):
we kind of hubbed in New York. We bopped around
and did these shows, and then we were taking our
families on vacation, separate vacations. I'm taking my family to
Portugal and Eddie's taking his family to Rome. And we
don't bring our families to the same places because Eddie
doesn't like his kids to see how much better my
(10:09):
kids have it, what life could be like, right, And
I respect that, thank you. I respect that. So we
always are like, well, will go similar places, but let's
not have too much overlap because he's trying to raise
well rounded kids and I don't give a shit what
happens to mine. All right, We are going to go
straight from New York City to Lisbon, easy six hour flight.
(10:33):
Eddie his family is going to Rome. But what does
Eddie do? By the ways, kids aren't young. My kids
are two and six. His kids are Let me just
guess right now, sixteen and eighteen. Perfect guess, Okay, sixteen
and eighteen. This is what Eddie does for his wife
and children. He flies New York to LA has five
(10:59):
hours to kill a lax before boarding the family's plane
NonStop to Rome. He went five hours backwards and then
another five and a half. Is that the craziest thing
you've ever heard? Would you? There?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Is?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I would? I would leave my family if they ever
suggested that, Hey, would you be interested in fucking up
your entire week by giving yourself the most horrible experience ever?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
My god? And then you and did you go home
on that five hour a little layover? No, you stayed
at the airport. At the airport, by the way, I
just want everyone to know Eddie lives maybe fifteen minutes
from Lax.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, but why go home and tease myself with a pillow,
maybe a bed?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
You could have napped for two hours?
Speaker 2 (11:50):
You probably could have, but you know, international travel. You
want to get there early.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
How bad were you on that travel? Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
When I got to Rome, I was I was beat up,
pretty tired.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
How much time from when you landed till you said
your first went in Rome? Joke?
Speaker 2 (12:07):
You know what I think? I was so tired I
forgot to do it until the next day.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Oh oh, the next day.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I'll tell you this though, the Spirit Airlines flood I.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Took from New York to l hold on, hold on.
You think he's being funny right now, he is not.
He took Spirit Airlines from New York to Los Angeles.
And if you don't know, Spirit Airlines is garbage. And
I don't even care if they're a sponsor of our show.
That is this is There's no there's no first class
(12:37):
in Spirit, there's no business class.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
They call it what do they call it? Big Wide, so.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
It's like a different big Wide. Were you in big
Big Wide? Yeah? I did. That was embarrassing. That is humiliating.
Everything everything you're saying makes me want this company to fail.
And then and then did you what airline did you
fly to Rome?
Speaker 2 (12:57):
We took Norse Atlantic.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Air Way And were you in big Why there no.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Big wye with reclining and did you.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Were you in business class?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Well, it's like there they call it premium flex ultra.
All the games are different on these areas.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Way, so it's not business it's it's a first class.
It is first their first class. Yeah, it's their first class,
right and.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Then they there's like that section and then.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
The number seat? Were you in row seven? Okay? All right? Fine?
By the way, how was the trip with the family
in Rome?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
It was great? Loved it.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
What did you guys do?
Speaker 2 (13:29):
A lot of tours catacombs. Took a cooking class, probably
the worst meal we had in roam with the one
that we prepared ourselves.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
We do we do such different trips tour. I would
never get in a tour.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
We got to kind of go private tour.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
So it's just you, No, I'm not going, but I
don't want to listen to somebody.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Well, yeah, you you'd hate it. Then you would have hated.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
My This is what we do. We fly to Lisbon,
I go to our hotel. Uh, I'm staying in a
cool room that has two bedrooms, so my children are
and one and I'm in the other and I've got
a balcony overlooking the rooftops of Lisbon. I see a
castle lit up in the distance. There's a rooftop restaurant
(14:10):
that we went to, and then it's nothing but spa appointments.
I got a massage. I didn't enjoy my massage. The
place is great, but they're tables. I don't know if
people in Portugal are smaller than me, but my leg
was hanging off a good foot and a half. You
can't have your shin just resting off the edge of
(14:32):
the table for an eighty minute massage. And then when
you scoot your back, you even scoot further down. And
now my knees, I'm just my legs just hanging down
like a little kid, just wiggling my legs up and down. Anyway,
that's not the problem that I had my massage. My masseuse,
clearly before I came in, was pounding some salamis or
(14:55):
some cold cuts. I don't know what she was eating,
grabbing some bloga. She was having some bologne, because at
one point I smelled something and I'm like, I think
she just burped and she held it in, but I
could still it was still wafting out occasionally. I'm like,
maybe she didn't burp. But now I can't stop thinking
(15:18):
about it for the next eighty minutes. I'm like, did
she burp? And at one point she hip checked the
table real hard and it hurt her and she was
She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, oh, are you okay.
It's like, yeah, I'm okay. Like my son. My son
can't walk past a coffee table without taking it to
the shin. Oh you know what, and one day my wife,
(15:41):
Oh man, holy cow, I'm still furious about this. You
have to understand I'm in tow are the in laws.
You know, so I got two kids and then I've
got two old kids. Somehow I'm responsible for all of
them not being abducted. I have no special skills, yet
(16:02):
I pull it off constantly. We're gonna go to this
restaurant for lunch. I mean, great, where is it? Well,
first we have to get on a ferry. Fuck what
there's there's like a delivery guy with his bike. You know,
there are hundreds of people wedging in. Everybody's racing to
get a window because it's it's inside and so it's
(16:22):
like smelly and gross. It's not good. I don't I
didn't enjoy being on this ferry and I'm dressed like
a fucking idiot, you know, like look at me and
I and I've got little kids running everywhere eating off
the ferry floor. They don't care, and we take this
quick ferry. You know, my father in law's always got
(16:43):
interesting question, did you know that the first ferry was
invented at the University of Florida? And I'm like, no,
it wasn't. Just shut up, it wasn't invented at the
University of Florida. Whatever. He's always got some dumb gator
fact that I have to care about. Now we get
to the other side and I'm like, okay, which way
to this resident. She goes, well, it says cool walk
(17:05):
along the water and there's tons of graffiti on those walls,
and it's all the graffiti I keep pointing out to
my father in law is just anti American hate. And
I'm like, oh, yeah, this is this is what Trump
was bringing, this respect that the rest of the world.
He is fresh American hate everywhere. You just see it. Anyway,
(17:27):
sure enough, we start this walk and there's a guy
building a wall, a makeshift wall, on this water pass,
this sidewalk along the water he's building a wall almost
just like to stop us from going. He says, gotta
(17:48):
go this other way. We end up walking through not
the nicest areas of town, and it's all uphill. And
I got a father in law with one bad knee
and one knee that he just replaced like six weeks ago,
so it's just taking for then I've got two children,
just one of them, doesn't you know, well, only if
(18:11):
he holds your hand, he's like pulling you down. So
it's just God. He falls on every cobblestone street, so
he's just constantly crying because he's hurt whatever. I end
up pushing up this mountain for forty five minutes. I
get to the top of it, and then at the
very top of it, there's three hundred stairs that were
(18:32):
built before codes were even a thing. Oh good, and
They're like the restaurant is at the bottom of this,
and I'm like, well, I can only save one person's
life here. So I carry the stroller with my daughter,
and who's not sitting in the stroller like, she's leaning forward,
so the weight is off. Everything is. It's just horrible
(18:53):
the whole time I make it down these stairs and
then on the way back. I say, I don't care
what that guy said. We're going the other way. And
we walk this river walk and it was it was fine.
There was like one pothole, so my wife basically made
us walk forty five minutes around the city to avoid
a pothole.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
How is the food.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
The food's good. I got some monkfish stew. It's for
two people, So I tell my father we're getting this
monk fish. It's gonna be great. Anyway, they bring this
big crock pot. There's liver in this monkfish. To that
part I didn't like to eat. I made him eat it.
He threw up a little bit in his mouth, but
(19:34):
just huge portions. Oh my goodness. And my mother in law,
she can't wrap her head around any food that's not,
you know, from Long john Silver's. Wait. She like orders,
I'll take the shrimp cocktail. Oh do you have fried shrimp?
Like that's her meal everywhere. It's like, I can't One
time they brought her she ordered fried shrimp and they
(19:56):
had tiny little shrimp, but the heads and everything were
on it, and you're supposed to eat the whole thing,
just crunch him up, and she just this is her
for it, like as soon as it was put in
front of her, she's my wife. The whole time was
pretending to be Parker Posey from White Lotus, which was
making me laugh. But my drazapan okay. So I was
(20:20):
only in Lisbon for a few days. That was just
to get my bearings, and we headed off to Comporta,
which you know they say is the Hamptons of Portugal,
which I don't know if that's a compliment or not,
because I hate the Hamptons. But we stayed at a
beautiful place. It was nice, although they don't heat their pools.
They have one little tiny pool in the spa that's heated,
but it's like who wants to swim inside? I had
a nice little three bedroom villa that my family and
(20:44):
I were playing at. Oh so beautiful, but my father
in law I put him in the biopool area and
that's like these these these outdoor ponds, they kind of
have an area roped off that's your pool. Like your
room is like a little cabana over the water, and
there's ear plugs because the frogs are so loud at night.
(21:07):
But also there's supposed to be healing powers when you
get in but the water's cold and he complains at
anything that's not a jacuzzi, So I have forced him
to jump in Night one. But there's snakes iguanas just
swimming around everywhere and there I got photos of it all.
I made my son go dive in it. In the
middle of the night. We went, we walked there. We
weren't on our normal sleeping schedule, so I'm like, hey,
(21:29):
let's go jump in their biopool. And he was terrified,
but we did it. It's enjoyable traveling with the end
those because you know, at the start of the trip,
my wife made all of us like hold hands and
you know, repeat after her. I will try things. I
will be open minded, you know, And that goes out
the window. As soon as the first restaurant brings my
(21:51):
mother in law a fish head, she starts freaking out.
But my father in law, on the other hand, is
just everything is the greatest thing he's ever tasted. You
couldn't believe you have to try this role, honey. It's
so delicious. Which is funny because he'll try stuff and
that's fun to hang out with. But it's like we
also know he enjoys a bag of circus peanuts.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
That's great.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
If you get him talking about the first burger king
that was opened in Fort Pierce, he acts like it's
the greatest hamburger that was ever created. So I don't
really give him that much credit. I think it's funny,
though I do. I do, like, I like laugh the
whole time in my head of like that I'm responsible
(22:37):
for some of these people. Who's who is the best
person to travel with me? Because I can afford everything,
of course I'm saying, like, but who is the best
travel partner? You'd think I'd say my wife because she
does all the legwork. She knows what kind of restaurants
I'll actually appreciate, so she can handle me and when
I start losing it. But there's something about my son
(23:00):
he's got he's got a real spirit about him, and
he's very excited to try things and see things, and
like he like would go to a playground and just
immediately play with a group of kids and you know,
could say three or four words maybe in Portuguese, and
he'd be like, I made new friends. Dad. I'm like, ah, great,
(23:21):
and yeah, that that's fun to watch. Yeah, for sure,
the people in Portugal, everybody talks about how nice they are,
and they were pretty nice. I love that they don't
build on the beaches. When we're in comport To, they don't.
There's no like uh you know, it's not like Florida,
where every inch is just another dumb condo. It's just beach.
(23:44):
The houses are inland farther, you know. The five minute drive,
it's just so pretty. I drove a bunch in Portugal,
had there. I read it a Nissan. I love driving
kilometers just really makes you, oh, man, I'm doing one
ten oh, get out of my way. Not sure what
the conversion is. No, I think that's forty, but whatever.
(24:06):
I felt like a real normal dude. How many times
I'll set the line at two over under do you
think that I was recognized in Portugal?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Now?
Speaker 1 (24:15):
I got to remind people that I was scheduled to
perform a beautiful theater that's seated around twenty seven hundred.
I sold around sixty four seats in the opening weekend
before canceling the show. Okay, how many times do you
think over two or under two that I was recognized
in Portugal? And it could be by American tourist as well.
(24:37):
Over over under look how I'm dressed. You idiot's under
zero times. Never I was never recognized or they didn't care.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Be cool about it.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Yeah, that's right. They're in Portugal, yor whatever. Clooney's here,
George Clooney's got a funny hat on. That's the thing too.
When I'm over there, I always I know that tipping
isn't the same in Europe. But that's why I like
it so much more because I'm a big tipper in
the US, so I'm still a big tipper there, and
(25:11):
I just think it's fun. Oh no, you don't need
a tip, but I do it. I do it constantly
for everything, breakfast buffet, throwing down twenty euro for my meal.
They're just like oh. And then anytime I walk in
with the hat and the glasses, they're just like, there
he is over here, we got your table ready for you.
I'm like, there's somebody sitting there there. I get out
(25:32):
of there. Kickson's dying. This person's out of here, you're in.
I loved it. I can't stop tipping. It was tipping.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Well.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
The thing is, I never have cash. Now I've got euro.
Anybody want to buy my euro off me, I'll give
you a good deal so that I don't have to
actually change it back. How much euros do I have? Home?
We got what's four ninety five plus fifty? I have
forty five? That's five forty five? Yeah, who wants to
(26:03):
give me right now? Let's make a deal five hundred
dollars for this?
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Does Italy take your yes?
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Distrust? Of course I don't know.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Yes, they do. I'll do that.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Five. You have five hundred bucks.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Not in my pocket, but I can get it. How
are you gonna get that?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
How are you going to get that kind of money?
You can go?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
You get your hand on five hundred dollars. Yeah, hang on,
I'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Guys, Dylan Dalan's out in the parking lot doing god
knows what to get five hundred dollars. I don't want
to hear about this.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
We work with these people, Dylan.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Is that that's not a Is that a that's not
even a good rate. That's a great deal, d A
good deal.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
It's six hundred and fourteen dollars American.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
So if he gives me four five hundred dollars, that's
a great deal. He's making some good deal. Our deal.
I'll take your deal. Dylan, you give me five hundred bucks.
You can have that right now, thank you. I got
everybody something, uh for my travels what well, not not really,
but uh it's stuff that that I accumulated in my
bag and now that I'm home, I gotta get rid
(27:07):
of it. Pete. Pete handled a lot of logistics. Pete,
come get your gift. You're gonna like that. Open that up,
see what you can sit down for a second. I
think you already took it off the desk. I don't
know what it is. There's something written on the on
the lemon.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
That's nice.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
M hm. What is that?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
These are some bottle stoppers, decorative bottle stoppers. Look at that.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Look at this, Pete. Look at this bottle stopper and
it goes with this nice bottle. You see it. Yeah,
it's like a balding dude, look at it. Pete's ball
pulled that up next to your head. That looks just
like Pete. That's a decorative ball. There you got twins
(27:59):
and a nice bottle of wine from the place you
stayed at.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Yeah, they grow it on the property.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I hope. So I don't know. Is that all that
was in there? All right? That's nice enough. Get out
of here. You You're welcome, Dylan. Oh, I got some
good stuff for Dylan here. This is your trip here
in good faith. I'll give you.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
I can venmo you too.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
I don't have venmo. I don't want to do that.
I can give you all right, you'll love those. And
my son made me take the shell home from the beach.
And I'm like, why the do I have the shell?
Get out of here, Dylan love shells. Oh, John, come
on over here, John, John, I just go for I
(28:42):
go for John's wife. Oh nice, that's all. These are
just fancy I creams. Open that up. There's some good
stuff in there and different different lotions and they you
don't have to And then these are the fancy lotions.
I stayed in New York City. I took there up.
You can keep these. These are Mandarin Oriental. They do
(29:05):
some good stuff. There's their lotions. But you'll like all
that stuff. Oh she'll like that. You give her that bag. Okay, cool,
that's all you. Thank you? Oh do you use this?
I hate this? This Aesop after shave. I do like it.
I hate it all right here, it's good. So I
(29:27):
worked in New York for three days and then we
traveled for for five days. Now for me to do that,
I gotta have somebody hold down the fort. So who
did I call? My wife is like, well, why don't
we use my brother. He's in town, he lives here,
he can work remotely. He'll stay that, he'll he'll take
care of the pets. Was that a good idea? I
(29:48):
don't know. He has a lot to take care of.
He's got Carl, of course, who is I think a delight?
You know, he'll give you some false sparks every now
and then. The chickens. I'll be honest with you. You
don't have to do much for the chickens. And then
there's my son's fish. You gotta take care of Ponzu.
Then there's Potato. Now Potato, that's the big cell. He's
(30:13):
getting bigger and bigger by the minute. And he's at
five point thirty in the morning to six in the morning,
his day begins, and you're not sleeping past it. Like
he wakes you up, he brings you outside, he gets
mad at you. He'll knock water bowls over constantly if
he's like in a mood. So that was tough sell.
(30:35):
But he did it. Now I came back, everything you
know was alive, plants included. I was shocked. He was
supposed to walk Carl every day. And then I asked him,
when pressed, I said, did you walk him every day? Well?
We played outside in the backyard on some days. I'm like, well,
that's not a walk. How many days did you not
(30:58):
walk Carl? Probably every other day. Every other day you
didn't walk him, But every other day you did walk him.
You think you walked him at least five days, ten days?
Five sounds good. The only thing he used he slept
in my bed and he used my toilet. He loved
my toilet. I got a lot of good features on it.
(31:20):
I even told him how to get the enema button
to work. There's one like high pressure one that's just
just if there's a nugget six weeks up, it'll get it.
It'll get it, good man. Six weeks all right. Well,
I haven't paid him yet. What do you think I
should pay somebody to pet sit? What's the day rate?
(31:44):
You think? But he stayed at the house. He stayed
at the house, which is kind of like my house
is like a resort.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Use the hot tub.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
How many times did you use the hot tub chase?
How many times? Twice?
Speaker 2 (31:58):
Maybe twice but no strict an accidents?
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Would you charge for that? What do you guys? What's
a fair rate to give him? How many days? Fourteen
total days? I mean he's on vacation, one hundred dollars
a day.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
No, I mean like he's staying in resort. So I
feel like he's putting in a little bit of work,
you know, walking the dog half.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Thank you, thank you. He asked for one hundred and
fifty a day.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
I was thinking one hundred a week, but.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Hundred days. What you guys think interesting? I had a
pig too. By the way, just so you guys know,
the pig is. The pig is a tough sell. The pigs,
the big one maybe one hundred and twenty five. All right, Well,
I I'm somewhere between the one fifteen one hundred. I'm
thinking two thousand for the whole trip.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Oh, I mean he just agreed.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
I don't care if he agrees, I will all change
it if I get Now. Some people be like, oh,
I would do yeah, But it's like I have to
have somebody that I kind of trust, and at least
somebody that I can torture if things go awry. You know,
there's a lot of responsibility. Well, listen, I pulled it off,
(33:17):
got the family home safe. Everybody was thrilled that they
got to experience this adventure. By the way, the whole
time I was there, I kept saying, we have to
go out one night for date night because our anniversary
is coming up this week, so that it can be
our anniversary. And she agreed to this, but then we
could never settle on a place, and we always just
(33:39):
brought the kids with us, so it didn't count. So
now four days after this vacation of a lifetime, I
have to take her out again.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Paris.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
No, I just have to go to dinner. It's not you, Eddie.
He's not gonna fly across the world Paris. Yeah, Edie,
Eddie is just like whoa what? You just you go anywhere.
It's not that hard in hindsight. In hindsight, was that
too much on your body?
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Too much flying.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
I was miserably tired. I was sore, Like for me,
really beat me up.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Here's my thing with traveling, whether you're on a PJ,
whether you're in wide front or white or middle narrow back,
just the dull headaches that you get from being in
a plane, or just maddening. It just doesn't matter. I'm like, oh,
(34:36):
I just traveling is not fun. Well, I can't wait
to share with you my family vacation next year. Maybe
I'll share my other family, my secret family. I got
a secret family. I take them on vacations too, but
usually it's been more like a great wolf lodge type
of family. Well, I want to thank my wife and
(35:04):
two children, and my father in law and mother in
law and my wife's cousin for going on a great trip,
all expenses paid by me. We missed you. Carl. By
the way, do you find this shirt horribly offensive because
it is sheer? I don't know if you can see this,
(35:26):
but I can get my nipple to pinch through like
I hope you know at home that I would never
really wear this shirt. This is hideous. This is carry
fucking with me. You see that? Ooh hot? I don't have.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Super to just give it a jingle the smallest.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
I don't have a big nipple. Also don't have a
lot of feeling in my nipples. There's some guys that
like their nipples played with that That's not me. Nope,
I don't like it. We've got a few things to plug.
We had the tossshowstore dot com. You know, I saw
a guy at I think it was the New York Show.
It might have been New Brunswick. I feel bad. He
(36:14):
was like six rows deep and I'm pretty sure he
had a Carl shirt on. And I didn't give one
of these, and I should have my bad. But if
you know, if you wear one of those shirts and
I see out in public, you're gonna get some attention
from me. All right. What else? We got our tours,
Eddie's tour, my tour. I'm gonna be in Vegas this
weekend and then we're doing the big Midwest tour in June.
(36:36):
By the way, added shows in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a
good market. Come out and see me Milwaukee, and then Madison.
I added a show there. But now, Madison, I might
have done you dirty. But I don't know if it
was the building or availability or whatever. But we added
a show, but we had to put it earlier. So
(36:56):
now it's basically a matinee. It's like five o'clock in
the afternoon. Comes see Eddie and I and Carl in Madison.
Wisconsin on a Sunday late afternoon, and then after the show. Well,
I can't do anything because I have to do my
first show, which is later than my second show. It's confusing.
The point is I'll be in bed by ten thirty
that night. Yeah, that's great. All right, So Madison, Milwaukee,
(37:19):
you guys, come out Chicago. You've you've shown your support.
All right, let's do the free plug. Hit the free
plug music. Oh of that some trumpet, look at strong
trumpet music, you know, play the trumpet our friend Danny. Anyway,
this week's free plug is for Pedro South of the Border.
(37:41):
First of all, I didn't know it was called Pedro
South Border. That's a little problematic, a little racist. South
of the Border. It's that place between North Carolina South
Carolina where you get your fireworks. They got three hundred
billboards each direction. I used to always see it as
a kid when we would drive up, me and my
surfer butt. We do like a summer week in Hatteras.
(38:03):
That was our big surf trip up to Cape Hatteras
and you'd you'd stop and get your Roman candles. Oh
that was fun anyway, And I'm glad to see that
that place is still in business. Pedro South of the Board.
I never called it Pedros And the logos seems a
bit racist too. Whatever. That's that's where you if you're
(38:25):
gonna have a problematic uh logo and name, you do
it in that part of the country. Those people don't care.
You know. You you change the Cleveland Indians logo uh
because it's horribly offensive. But you see this Pedro logo
and you're like, well, that probably should be fixed as well. Anyway,
(38:46):
your first off will be fort Pedro firework. You can
load upon all kinds of explosives. They've also have plenty
of attractions to entertain the whole family. Oh, I didn't
know that. There's I always just went for the fireworks,
maybe a little gas. They have an observation tower. It's
over two hundred feet high. Ohh you probably can see
all the way to Kitty Hawk. Uh that's nearby, right,
(39:11):
I mean not nearby, but that's got to be. This
one of the highest, you know, elevations. How high was
Kitty Hawk were? They were just gliding a few feet
off the ground. Yeah, that wasn't that impressive. There's a
glass elevator gives riders a full view of the grounds.
There's a Pedro Land Park, fun rides just for the kids.
(39:34):
And there's a reptile lagoon, the largest indoor reptile display
in the US. That's because it shouldn't be inside, right,
that's just dumb, all right. These guys are eighty. Also
grab a bite of their fine eating establishments. They got
the what is it Blanco's Bar, Blanco's Bar, and the
Sombrero Room restaurant. They also have Peddler's Steakhouse and Pedro's
(39:58):
ice Cream Fiesta. They can get an abortion south of
the border. No, you cannot for that. You're gonna need
to go due north, north of the border. Keep going
to you see like you know, people with normal haircuts.
That's how you can tell you'll be all right. You can't.
(40:20):
This is why we do free plugs, because you rarely
will a paid plug. Want you to talk about if
you can get an abortion at their establishment. They have
over six thousand signs that have been plastered all along
the highways two hundred miles out. Why go to a
boring rest area just to gas up and pee when
you could entertain the whole family for hours at paid
yours south of the border. That's great. I really do
(40:43):
recall one time getting Roman candles at South of the
Border late at night. My friends and I were in
his parents van. We borrowed it. It was the Osmond's van.
I was good friends with Alison. We were boyfriend and
girlfriend in seventh grade. But we never kissed. Doesn't but
but our younger brother went with us on the surf
tip and we got him to use We got him
(41:06):
to bring his parents van. It was one of those
Mark four Mark five vans, Yeah, those big vans. Anyway,
I shot Roman candle inside of it. Yeah, that was
about it. I think I think I send some of
the seats. I'm gonna apologize to doctor Osmond for that one.
That was my fault. Also, also, you know what I
(41:26):
did there. We bought some stink bombs from South of
the Border and I shattered the glass vial in a
small thermosyp Okay. Then I would just occasionally on the
trip crack open the thermos and just do a little
air out and then put it back on. I thought
that was like the nice way to do it. It
(41:47):
was fun anyway. South of the Border See's next week.
How many times do you think over to or under
two that I was recognized in Portugal and it could
be by American tourist as well. Over over under look
how I'm dressed to you idiots? Tosh Tosh Show, Welcome
(00:21):
to Tosh Show, are found Math three own Blueberry. Louis Armstrong.
You like Louis Eddie? I like Louis man his voice.
When you listen to him sing, it's hard not to
(00:42):
feel like, is he doing a bit sound very like?
Are there like white producers, like racist white producers in
the back going yeah, yeah, you go with that, that's great?
Or is it a beautiful voice and it's just of
a time that that doesn't hold up today? I don't know,
(01:03):
but dude, love it. I mean, I don't even know
if I'm supposed to be doing a Louis Armstrong impression.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Well, I think if you tell people that's what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
You're okay, Yeah, that's Louis Armstrong. There you go.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
He's not just being a grace person over here?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
How did what's his name? Who's the original singer? Fat's?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
What's that domino?
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Fats Domino? How did he sound? I don't know. I
can't I can't in my head think how Fats Domino sounded,
but Louis's version. Then, of course Elvis did a version
as he always did, stealing the cool from black people.
Hhmm speaking a racist. Our president, you know, is as
(01:45):
bad as I think he is, and as much as
I give it to him for broken promises after broken promises.
Here's I will say this. I do hope he has
a healthy three and a half years of this final term. Well,
because Eddie, I wasn't gonna end it at that.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Okay, you got something coming here, all right.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Because Heaven help us if Vance were given the keys
to the car. I mean, this dip shit is off
the chart. Everything you need to know about Vance can
be summed up in him drop in the National Championship Trophy.
(02:39):
That's just who he is. I'm this dip shit. I mean,
I'm not. This isn't a unique take. I believe everyone
hates this man. His wife hates him. I think Republicans
for the most part, are like, oh no, no, he's
not our guy. Anybody that read that memoir. Did you
read his book? No Ah, but you own a copy?
Speaker 2 (03:02):
No, just see balance out. It was a bed's kind
of like wobby got a leg.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
You got a wobbly bed. That's fucking crazy that a
memoir could balance that. You know somebody that once went
by initials. I had a roommate, an older roommate. His
name was Daniel, and my father was Daniel, and you
know one of my closest friends was Daniel. I went
(03:29):
by DT for a long time. Uh, some close friends
still call me DT. But uh, in general, if if
you have like little initials, you're kind of a fucking idiot.
You know what his real name is, James Dave Advance JD.
I don't like anybody that tries to bumpin up their name.
(03:51):
The only name that I remotely appreciate. That's kind of
bumpkin up this old cousin baby billy. And see now
they're they're like, hey, how do we mock these stupid people? Well,
why don't we call them cousin baby billy? Oh all right,
they did it? What about JD Vance? Now it's too
nail on head? Let's go cousin baby billy. Now, you
(04:11):
guys don't want to hear my elitist views on things.
Speaking of elitist, The White Lotus season three, are they
still talking about all the shenanigans that happened behind the
scenes during the filming. Here's what they should have done.
They should have just filmed that and aired it. I'd
much rather watch Bachelor and Paradise White Lotus Thailand. I
(04:33):
don't know what you'd call it. That's good. Sounds like
they're all just having fun, you know, a couple married
people doing what you do in Thailand, pretending you are
that little Asian girl. I didn't enjoy the season, but
I didn't not enjoy it, like I was like. I
watched it and I was like, Okay, is this hotel
(04:56):
kind of annoys me? I don't want to stay there
after I see it. I don't know how somebody that
murdered somebody at one of these hotels goes and buys
a property at another one of their locations and doesn't
think that that might come back to haunt them. Why
wouldn't he be like, well, I can't. That's a great deal,
(05:20):
but can't be the same property. If I killed my
wife at a Marriott, you can just kiss those points goodbye.
I'm never gonna redeem them. Those points are gone forever.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
It's you got to change properties.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, speaking of a bunch of rich white people on
vacation who wants to hear about mine? Enjoy casa, guys,
I'm back from vacation. Now you didn't even notice because
the people behind the scenes keep this show just churning.
(05:57):
But last week Eddie and I went to work in
New York, New Jersey and Philadelphia, and then we parted ways.
Eddie went to Rome and I went to Portugal. This
is how I dress when I'm in Portugal.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Well, sure you do. I look sophisticated, Yeah you do.
I blend in. People speak to me in Portuguese. They don't.
They don't come at me. They're happy to see me.
But before we get into it, let's Eddie. Let's tell
people how the shows in New York went. See. I
went to New York first because my wife and I
(06:36):
had some meetings. By the way, when you go to
New York City and you haven't been in a while,
it does take you a few minutes to go Oh,
I forgot, everything is filthy. Why did I bring my
good sneakers? Yeah, that's just as soon as I got there,
I was like, oh, it's been raining and I've got beautiful,
(06:56):
brand new sneakers on this is discussed. Well, we went.
We had some meetings. That's always stressful. I was meeting
with book publishers. My wife and I are going to
write a book together. It's a it's purely a sexual
that's not what the book's about. Eh. Whatever, you heed
these meetings, you just you sit in there and they
(07:20):
bring in some book publishers and you get like thirty
minutes to an hour with them, and you you just
try to be funny. I guess I don't know, like,
which one did you gel the most with? I'm like,
I don't know which one's gonna pay me the most.
I'll figure out the geling later. Anyway, my wife is
really good in the meetings. I was probably better, but
that's you know, I've got more experience. But she held
(07:43):
her own. You know. We had we had written samples
of what we would bring to the table, and they
were blown away. Then they came to our show that night,
well not all of them, but the ones that we liked.
We offered them tickets. The ones that seemed like they
were kicking the tires. Nah, you're not getting free tickets,
especially when I'm sold out. I get a percentage of
(08:05):
that door. Anyway, if you were to ask me, of
the five shows that we did, Eddie, which was my
least favorite, I would say, hands down the first show
in New York City, Okay, because that was the only
one that I had pressure on the rest of them,
I was loose as a goose. Here's another thing. One
of the head promoters came out to see me in
(08:26):
New York and we were talking. He's like, Oh, you're
gonna wear that tomorrow in New Jersey. I had like
a pink jacket on or something. I'm like, I don't know.
He was like those people, Yeah, we were in New Brunswick,
New Jersey. I'm gonna say they were great. Yep, it
was wonderful. The people, they were great, great size theater too.
The theater's beautiful. Two shows. Wasn't my best show, I'm
(08:50):
gonna say, yes, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna say it
was my best show in New Jersey. Then we went
to Philly, got ourselves a cheeseteak. Where do we get
cheesteaks at from? Eddie? Oh brother, is that a good place? Eddie?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
I mean, I feel like they're all the same.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Oh shit. By the way, that day before the Philly Show.
The Philly Show was on a Sunday night. On the
way there, we had from New York City. We had
gotten two large pizzas from a place that we like.
We're eating the pizzas on the drive there, and then
we did the show, and then on the way back
(09:27):
we were eating cheese steaks. That is disgusting. And then
the next day, the next day, Eddie pulls off arguably
the greatest father slash husband bullshit move of all time.
Let me explain this to people. Were doing this these shows,
(09:48):
we kind of hubbed in New York. We bopped around
and did these shows, and then we were taking our
families on vacation, separate vacations. I'm taking my family to
Portugal and Eddie's taking his family to Rome. And we
don't bring our families to the same places because Eddie
doesn't like his kids to see how much better my
(10:09):
kids have it, what life could be like, right, And
I respect that, thank you. I respect that. So we
always are like, well, will go similar places, but let's
not have too much overlap because he's trying to raise
well rounded kids and I don't give a shit what
happens to mine. All right, We are going to go
straight from New York City to Lisbon, easy six hour flight.
(10:33):
Eddie his family is going to Rome. But what does
Eddie do? By the ways, kids aren't young. My kids
are two and six. His kids are Let me just
guess right now, sixteen and eighteen. Perfect guess, Okay, sixteen
and eighteen. This is what Eddie does for his wife
and children. He flies New York to LA has five
(10:59):
hours to kill a lax before boarding the family's plane
NonStop to Rome. He went five hours backwards and then
another five and a half. Is that the craziest thing
you've ever heard? Would you? There?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Is?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I would? I would leave my family if they ever
suggested that, Hey, would you be interested in fucking up
your entire week by giving yourself the most horrible experience ever?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
My god? And then you and did you go home
on that five hour a little layover? No, you stayed
at the airport. At the airport, by the way, I
just want everyone to know Eddie lives maybe fifteen minutes
from Lax.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, but why go home and tease myself with a pillow,
maybe a bed?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
You could have napped for two hours?
Speaker 2 (11:50):
You probably could have, but you know, international travel. You
want to get there early.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
How bad were you on that travel? Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
When I got to Rome, I was I was beat up,
pretty tired.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
How much time from when you landed till you said
your first went in Rome? Joke?
Speaker 2 (12:07):
You know what I think? I was so tired I
forgot to do it until the next day.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Oh oh, the next day.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I'll tell you this though, the Spirit Airlines flood I.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Took from New York to l hold on, hold on.
You think he's being funny right now, he is not.
He took Spirit Airlines from New York to Los Angeles.
And if you don't know, Spirit Airlines is garbage. And
I don't even care if they're a sponsor of our show.
That is this is There's no there's no first class
(12:37):
in Spirit, there's no business class.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
They call it what do they call it? Big Wide, so.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
It's like a different big Wide. Were you in big
Big Wide? Yeah? I did. That was embarrassing. That is humiliating.
Everything everything you're saying makes me want this company to fail.
And then and then did you what airline did you
fly to Rome?
Speaker 2 (12:57):
We took Norse Atlantic.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Air Way And were you in big Why there no.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Big wye with reclining and did you.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Were you in business class?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Well, it's like there they call it premium flex ultra.
All the games are different on these areas.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Way, so it's not business it's it's a first class.
It is first their first class. Yeah, it's their first class,
right and.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Then they there's like that section and then.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
The number seat? Were you in row seven? Okay? All right? Fine?
By the way, how was the trip with the family
in Rome?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
It was great? Loved it.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
What did you guys do?
Speaker 2 (13:29):
A lot of tours catacombs. Took a cooking class, probably
the worst meal we had in roam with the one
that we prepared ourselves.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
We do we do such different trips tour. I would
never get in a tour.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
We got to kind of go private tour.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
So it's just you, No, I'm not going, but I
don't want to listen to somebody.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Well, yeah, you you'd hate it. Then you would have hated.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
My This is what we do. We fly to Lisbon,
I go to our hotel. Uh, I'm staying in a
cool room that has two bedrooms, so my children are
and one and I'm in the other and I've got
a balcony overlooking the rooftops of Lisbon. I see a
castle lit up in the distance. There's a rooftop restaurant
(14:10):
that we went to, and then it's nothing but spa appointments.
I got a massage. I didn't enjoy my massage. The
place is great, but they're tables. I don't know if
people in Portugal are smaller than me, but my leg
was hanging off a good foot and a half. You
can't have your shin just resting off the edge of
(14:32):
the table for an eighty minute massage. And then when
you scoot your back, you even scoot further down. And
now my knees, I'm just my legs just hanging down
like a little kid, just wiggling my legs up and down. Anyway,
that's not the problem that I had my massage. My masseuse,
clearly before I came in, was pounding some salamis or
(14:55):
some cold cuts. I don't know what she was eating,
grabbing some bloga. She was having some bologne, because at
one point I smelled something and I'm like, I think
she just burped and she held it in, but I
could still it was still wafting out occasionally. I'm like,
maybe she didn't burp. But now I can't stop thinking
(15:18):
about it for the next eighty minutes. I'm like, did
she burp? And at one point she hip checked the
table real hard and it hurt her and she was
She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, oh, are you okay.
It's like, yeah, I'm okay. Like my son. My son
can't walk past a coffee table without taking it to
the shin. Oh you know what, and one day my wife,
(15:41):
Oh man, holy cow, I'm still furious about this. You
have to understand I'm in tow are the in laws.
You know, so I got two kids and then I've
got two old kids. Somehow I'm responsible for all of
them not being abducted. I have no special skills, yet
(16:02):
I pull it off constantly. We're gonna go to this
restaurant for lunch. I mean, great, where is it? Well,
first we have to get on a ferry. Fuck what
there's there's like a delivery guy with his bike. You know,
there are hundreds of people wedging in. Everybody's racing to
get a window because it's it's inside and so it's
(16:22):
like smelly and gross. It's not good. I don't I
didn't enjoy being on this ferry and I'm dressed like
a fucking idiot, you know, like look at me and
I and I've got little kids running everywhere eating off
the ferry floor. They don't care, and we take this
quick ferry. You know, my father in law's always got
(16:43):
interesting question, did you know that the first ferry was
invented at the University of Florida? And I'm like, no,
it wasn't. Just shut up, it wasn't invented at the
University of Florida. Whatever. He's always got some dumb gator
fact that I have to care about. Now we get
to the other side and I'm like, okay, which way
to this resident. She goes, well, it says cool walk
(17:05):
along the water and there's tons of graffiti on those walls,
and it's all the graffiti I keep pointing out to
my father in law is just anti American hate. And
I'm like, oh, yeah, this is this is what Trump
was bringing, this respect that the rest of the world.
He is fresh American hate everywhere. You just see it. Anyway,
(17:27):
sure enough, we start this walk and there's a guy
building a wall, a makeshift wall, on this water pass,
this sidewalk along the water he's building a wall almost
just like to stop us from going. He says, gotta
(17:48):
go this other way. We end up walking through not
the nicest areas of town, and it's all uphill. And
I got a father in law with one bad knee
and one knee that he just replaced like six weeks ago,
so it's just taking for then I've got two children,
just one of them, doesn't you know, well, only if
(18:11):
he holds your hand, he's like pulling you down. So
it's just God. He falls on every cobblestone street, so
he's just constantly crying because he's hurt whatever. I end
up pushing up this mountain for forty five minutes. I
get to the top of it, and then at the
very top of it, there's three hundred stairs that were
(18:32):
built before codes were even a thing. Oh good, and
They're like the restaurant is at the bottom of this,
and I'm like, well, I can only save one person's
life here. So I carry the stroller with my daughter,
and who's not sitting in the stroller like, she's leaning forward,
so the weight is off. Everything is. It's just horrible
(18:53):
the whole time I make it down these stairs and
then on the way back. I say, I don't care
what that guy said. We're going the other way. And
we walk this river walk and it was it was fine.
There was like one pothole, so my wife basically made
us walk forty five minutes around the city to avoid
a pothole.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
How is the food.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
The food's good. I got some monkfish stew. It's for
two people, So I tell my father we're getting this
monk fish. It's gonna be great. Anyway, they bring this
big crock pot. There's liver in this monkfish. To that
part I didn't like to eat. I made him eat it.
He threw up a little bit in his mouth, but
(19:34):
just huge portions. Oh my goodness. And my mother in law,
she can't wrap her head around any food that's not,
you know, from Long john Silver's. Wait. She like orders,
I'll take the shrimp cocktail. Oh do you have fried shrimp?
Like that's her meal everywhere. It's like, I can't One
time they brought her she ordered fried shrimp and they
(19:56):
had tiny little shrimp, but the heads and everything were
on it, and you're supposed to eat the whole thing,
just crunch him up, and she just this is her
for it, like as soon as it was put in
front of her, she's my wife. The whole time was
pretending to be Parker Posey from White Lotus, which was
making me laugh. But my drazapan okay. So I was
(20:20):
only in Lisbon for a few days. That was just
to get my bearings, and we headed off to Comporta,
which you know they say is the Hamptons of Portugal,
which I don't know if that's a compliment or not,
because I hate the Hamptons. But we stayed at a
beautiful place. It was nice, although they don't heat their pools.
They have one little tiny pool in the spa that's heated,
but it's like who wants to swim inside? I had
a nice little three bedroom villa that my family and
(20:44):
I were playing at. Oh so beautiful, but my father
in law I put him in the biopool area and
that's like these these these outdoor ponds, they kind of
have an area roped off that's your pool. Like your
room is like a little cabana over the water, and
there's ear plugs because the frogs are so loud at night.
(21:07):
But also there's supposed to be healing powers when you
get in but the water's cold and he complains at
anything that's not a jacuzzi, So I have forced him
to jump in Night one. But there's snakes iguanas just
swimming around everywhere and there I got photos of it all.
I made my son go dive in it. In the
middle of the night. We went, we walked there. We
weren't on our normal sleeping schedule, so I'm like, hey,
(21:29):
let's go jump in their biopool. And he was terrified,
but we did it. It's enjoyable traveling with the end
those because you know, at the start of the trip,
my wife made all of us like hold hands and
you know, repeat after her. I will try things. I
will be open minded, you know, And that goes out
the window. As soon as the first restaurant brings my
(21:51):
mother in law a fish head, she starts freaking out.
But my father in law, on the other hand, is
just everything is the greatest thing he's ever tasted. You
couldn't believe you have to try this role, honey. It's
so delicious. Which is funny because he'll try stuff and
that's fun to hang out with. But it's like we
also know he enjoys a bag of circus peanuts.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
That's great.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
If you get him talking about the first burger king
that was opened in Fort Pierce, he acts like it's
the greatest hamburger that was ever created. So I don't
really give him that much credit. I think it's funny,
though I do. I do, like, I like laugh the
whole time in my head of like that I'm responsible
(22:37):
for some of these people. Who's who is the best
person to travel with me? Because I can afford everything,
of course I'm saying, like, but who is the best
travel partner? You'd think I'd say my wife because she
does all the legwork. She knows what kind of restaurants
I'll actually appreciate, so she can handle me and when
I start losing it. But there's something about my son
(23:00):
he's got he's got a real spirit about him, and
he's very excited to try things and see things, and
like he like would go to a playground and just
immediately play with a group of kids and you know,
could say three or four words maybe in Portuguese, and
he'd be like, I made new friends. Dad. I'm like, ah, great,
(23:21):
and yeah, that that's fun to watch. Yeah, for sure,
the people in Portugal, everybody talks about how nice they are,
and they were pretty nice. I love that they don't
build on the beaches. When we're in comport To, they don't.
There's no like uh you know, it's not like Florida,
where every inch is just another dumb condo. It's just beach.
(23:44):
The houses are inland farther, you know. The five minute drive,
it's just so pretty. I drove a bunch in Portugal,
had there. I read it a Nissan. I love driving
kilometers just really makes you, oh, man, I'm doing one
ten oh, get out of my way. Not sure what
the conversion is. No, I think that's forty, but whatever.
(24:06):
I felt like a real normal dude. How many times
I'll set the line at two over under do you
think that I was recognized in Portugal?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Now?
Speaker 1 (24:15):
I got to remind people that I was scheduled to
perform a beautiful theater that's seated around twenty seven hundred.
I sold around sixty four seats in the opening weekend
before canceling the show. Okay, how many times do you
think over two or under two that I was recognized
in Portugal? And it could be by American tourist as well.
(24:37):
Over over under look how I'm dressed. You idiot's under
zero times. Never I was never recognized or they didn't care.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Be cool about it.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Yeah, that's right. They're in Portugal, yor whatever. Clooney's here,
George Clooney's got a funny hat on. That's the thing too.
When I'm over there, I always I know that tipping
isn't the same in Europe. But that's why I like
it so much more because I'm a big tipper in
the US, so I'm still a big tipper there, and
(25:11):
I just think it's fun. Oh no, you don't need
a tip, but I do it. I do it constantly
for everything, breakfast buffet, throwing down twenty euro for my meal.
They're just like oh. And then anytime I walk in
with the hat and the glasses, they're just like, there
he is over here, we got your table ready for you.
I'm like, there's somebody sitting there there. I get out
(25:32):
of there. Kickson's dying. This person's out of here, you're in.
I loved it. I can't stop tipping. It was tipping.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Well.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
The thing is, I never have cash. Now I've got euro.
Anybody want to buy my euro off me, I'll give
you a good deal so that I don't have to
actually change it back. How much euros do I have? Home?
We got what's four ninety five plus fifty? I have
forty five? That's five forty five? Yeah, who wants to
(26:03):
give me right now? Let's make a deal five hundred
dollars for this?
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Does Italy take your yes?
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Distrust? Of course I don't know.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Yes, they do. I'll do that.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Five. You have five hundred bucks.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Not in my pocket, but I can get it. How
are you gonna get that?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
How are you going to get that kind of money?
You can go?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
You get your hand on five hundred dollars. Yeah, hang on,
I'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Guys, Dylan Dalan's out in the parking lot doing god
knows what to get five hundred dollars. I don't want
to hear about this.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
We work with these people, Dylan.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Is that that's not a Is that a that's not
even a good rate. That's a great deal, d A
good deal.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
It's six hundred and fourteen dollars American.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
So if he gives me four five hundred dollars, that's
a great deal. He's making some good deal. Our deal.
I'll take your deal. Dylan, you give me five hundred bucks.
You can have that right now, thank you. I got
everybody something, uh for my travels what well, not not really,
but uh it's stuff that that I accumulated in my
bag and now that I'm home, I gotta get rid
(27:07):
of it. Pete. Pete handled a lot of logistics. Pete,
come get your gift. You're gonna like that. Open that up,
see what you can sit down for a second. I
think you already took it off the desk. I don't
know what it is. There's something written on the on
the lemon.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
That's nice.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
M hm. What is that?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
These are some bottle stoppers, decorative bottle stoppers. Look at that.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Look at this, Pete. Look at this bottle stopper and
it goes with this nice bottle. You see it. Yeah,
it's like a balding dude, look at it. Pete's ball
pulled that up next to your head. That looks just
like Pete. That's a decorative ball. There you got twins
(27:59):
and a nice bottle of wine from the place you
stayed at.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Yeah, they grow it on the property.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I hope. So I don't know. Is that all that
was in there? All right? That's nice enough. Get out
of here. You You're welcome, Dylan. Oh, I got some
good stuff for Dylan here. This is your trip here
in good faith. I'll give you.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
I can venmo you too.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
I don't have venmo. I don't want to do that.
I can give you all right, you'll love those. And
my son made me take the shell home from the beach.
And I'm like, why the do I have the shell?
Get out of here, Dylan love shells. Oh, John, come
on over here, John, John, I just go for I
(28:42):
go for John's wife. Oh nice, that's all. These are
just fancy I creams. Open that up. There's some good
stuff in there and different different lotions and they you
don't have to And then these are the fancy lotions.
I stayed in New York City. I took there up.
You can keep these. These are Mandarin Oriental. They do
(29:05):
some good stuff. There's their lotions. But you'll like all
that stuff. Oh she'll like that. You give her that bag. Okay, cool,
that's all you. Thank you? Oh do you use this?
I hate this? This Aesop after shave. I do like it.
I hate it all right here, it's good. So I
(29:27):
worked in New York for three days and then we
traveled for for five days. Now for me to do that,
I gotta have somebody hold down the fort. So who
did I call? My wife is like, well, why don't
we use my brother. He's in town, he lives here,
he can work remotely. He'll stay that, he'll he'll take
care of the pets. Was that a good idea? I
(29:48):
don't know. He has a lot to take care of.
He's got Carl, of course, who is I think a delight?
You know, he'll give you some false sparks every now
and then. The chickens. I'll be honest with you. You
don't have to do much for the chickens. And then
there's my son's fish. You gotta take care of Ponzu.
Then there's Potato. Now Potato, that's the big cell. He's
(30:13):
getting bigger and bigger by the minute. And he's at
five point thirty in the morning to six in the morning,
his day begins, and you're not sleeping past it. Like
he wakes you up, he brings you outside, he gets
mad at you. He'll knock water bowls over constantly if
he's like in a mood. So that was tough sell.
(30:35):
But he did it. Now I came back, everything you
know was alive, plants included. I was shocked. He was
supposed to walk Carl every day. And then I asked him,
when pressed, I said, did you walk him every day? Well?
We played outside in the backyard on some days. I'm like, well,
that's not a walk. How many days did you not
(30:58):
walk Carl? Probably every other day. Every other day you
didn't walk him, But every other day you did walk him.
You think you walked him at least five days, ten days?
Five sounds good. The only thing he used he slept
in my bed and he used my toilet. He loved
my toilet. I got a lot of good features on it.
(31:20):
I even told him how to get the enema button
to work. There's one like high pressure one that's just
just if there's a nugget six weeks up, it'll get it.
It'll get it, good man. Six weeks all right. Well,
I haven't paid him yet. What do you think I
should pay somebody to pet sit? What's the day rate?
(31:44):
You think? But he stayed at the house. He stayed
at the house, which is kind of like my house
is like a resort.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Use the hot tub.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
How many times did you use the hot tub chase?
How many times? Twice?
Speaker 2 (31:58):
Maybe twice but no strict an accidents?
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Would you charge for that? What do you guys? What's
a fair rate to give him? How many days? Fourteen
total days? I mean he's on vacation, one hundred dollars
a day.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
No, I mean like he's staying in resort. So I
feel like he's putting in a little bit of work,
you know, walking the dog half.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Thank you, thank you. He asked for one hundred and
fifty a day.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
I was thinking one hundred a week, but.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Hundred days. What you guys think interesting? I had a
pig too. By the way, just so you guys know,
the pig is. The pig is a tough sell. The pigs,
the big one maybe one hundred and twenty five. All right, Well,
I I'm somewhere between the one fifteen one hundred. I'm
thinking two thousand for the whole trip.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Oh, I mean he just agreed.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
I don't care if he agrees, I will all change
it if I get Now. Some people be like, oh,
I would do yeah, But it's like I have to
have somebody that I kind of trust, and at least
somebody that I can torture if things go awry. You know,
there's a lot of responsibility. Well, listen, I pulled it off,
(33:17):
got the family home safe. Everybody was thrilled that they
got to experience this adventure. By the way, the whole
time I was there, I kept saying, we have to
go out one night for date night because our anniversary
is coming up this week, so that it can be
our anniversary. And she agreed to this, but then we
could never settle on a place, and we always just
(33:39):
brought the kids with us, so it didn't count. So
now four days after this vacation of a lifetime, I
have to take her out again.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Paris.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
No, I just have to go to dinner. It's not you, Eddie.
He's not gonna fly across the world Paris. Yeah, Edie,
Eddie is just like whoa what? You just you go anywhere.
It's not that hard in hindsight. In hindsight, was that
too much on your body?
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Too much flying.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
I was miserably tired. I was sore, Like for me,
really beat me up.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Here's my thing with traveling, whether you're on a PJ,
whether you're in wide front or white or middle narrow back,
just the dull headaches that you get from being in
a plane, or just maddening. It just doesn't matter. I'm like, oh,
(34:36):
I just traveling is not fun. Well, I can't wait
to share with you my family vacation next year. Maybe
I'll share my other family, my secret family. I got
a secret family. I take them on vacations too, but
usually it's been more like a great wolf lodge type
of family. Well, I want to thank my wife and
(35:04):
two children, and my father in law and mother in
law and my wife's cousin for going on a great trip,
all expenses paid by me. We missed you. Carl. By
the way, do you find this shirt horribly offensive because
it is sheer? I don't know if you can see this,
(35:26):
but I can get my nipple to pinch through like
I hope you know at home that I would never
really wear this shirt. This is hideous. This is carry
fucking with me. You see that? Ooh hot? I don't have.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Super to just give it a jingle the smallest.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
I don't have a big nipple. Also don't have a
lot of feeling in my nipples. There's some guys that
like their nipples played with that That's not me. Nope,
I don't like it. We've got a few things to plug.
We had the tossshowstore dot com. You know, I saw
a guy at I think it was the New York Show.
It might have been New Brunswick. I feel bad. He
(36:14):
was like six rows deep and I'm pretty sure he
had a Carl shirt on. And I didn't give one
of these, and I should have my bad. But if
you know, if you wear one of those shirts and
I see out in public, you're gonna get some attention
from me. All right. What else? We got our tours,
Eddie's tour, my tour. I'm gonna be in Vegas this
weekend and then we're doing the big Midwest tour in June.
(36:36):
By the way, added shows in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a
good market. Come out and see me Milwaukee, and then Madison.
I added a show there. But now, Madison, I might
have done you dirty. But I don't know if it
was the building or availability or whatever. But we added
a show, but we had to put it earlier. So
(36:56):
now it's basically a matinee. It's like five o'clock in
the afternoon. Comes see Eddie and I and Carl in Madison.
Wisconsin on a Sunday late afternoon, and then after the show. Well,
I can't do anything because I have to do my
first show, which is later than my second show. It's confusing.
The point is I'll be in bed by ten thirty
that night. Yeah, that's great. All right, So Madison, Milwaukee,
(37:19):
you guys, come out Chicago. You've you've shown your support.
All right, let's do the free plug. Hit the free
plug music. Oh of that some trumpet, look at strong
trumpet music, you know, play the trumpet our friend Danny. Anyway,
this week's free plug is for Pedro South of the Border.
(37:41):
First of all, I didn't know it was called Pedro
South Border. That's a little problematic, a little racist. South
of the Border. It's that place between North Carolina South
Carolina where you get your fireworks. They got three hundred
billboards each direction. I used to always see it as
a kid when we would drive up, me and my
surfer butt. We do like a summer week in Hatteras.
(38:03):
That was our big surf trip up to Cape Hatteras
and you'd you'd stop and get your Roman candles. Oh
that was fun anyway, And I'm glad to see that
that place is still in business. Pedro South of the Board.
I never called it Pedros And the logos seems a
bit racist too. Whatever. That's that's where you if you're
(38:25):
gonna have a problematic uh logo and name, you do
it in that part of the country. Those people don't care.
You know. You you change the Cleveland Indians logo uh
because it's horribly offensive. But you see this Pedro logo
and you're like, well, that probably should be fixed as well. Anyway,
(38:46):
your first off will be fort Pedro firework. You can
load upon all kinds of explosives. They've also have plenty
of attractions to entertain the whole family. Oh, I didn't
know that. There's I always just went for the fireworks,
maybe a little gas. They have an observation tower. It's
over two hundred feet high. Ohh you probably can see
all the way to Kitty Hawk. Uh that's nearby, right,
(39:11):
I mean not nearby, but that's got to be. This
one of the highest, you know, elevations. How high was
Kitty Hawk were? They were just gliding a few feet
off the ground. Yeah, that wasn't that impressive. There's a
glass elevator gives riders a full view of the grounds.
There's a Pedro Land Park, fun rides just for the kids.
(39:34):
And there's a reptile lagoon, the largest indoor reptile display
in the US. That's because it shouldn't be inside, right,
that's just dumb, all right. These guys are eighty. Also
grab a bite of their fine eating establishments. They got
the what is it Blanco's Bar, Blanco's Bar, and the
Sombrero Room restaurant. They also have Peddler's Steakhouse and Pedro's
(39:58):
ice Cream Fiesta. They can get an abortion south of
the border. No, you cannot for that. You're gonna need
to go due north, north of the border. Keep going
to you see like you know, people with normal haircuts.
That's how you can tell you'll be all right. You can't.
(40:20):
This is why we do free plugs, because you rarely
will a paid plug. Want you to talk about if
you can get an abortion at their establishment. They have
over six thousand signs that have been plastered all along
the highways two hundred miles out. Why go to a
boring rest area just to gas up and pee when
you could entertain the whole family for hours at paid
yours south of the border. That's great. I really do
(40:43):
recall one time getting Roman candles at South of the
Border late at night. My friends and I were in
his parents van. We borrowed it. It was the Osmond's van.
I was good friends with Alison. We were boyfriend and
girlfriend in seventh grade. But we never kissed. Doesn't but
but our younger brother went with us on the surf
tip and we got him to use We got him
(41:06):
to bring his parents van. It was one of those
Mark four Mark five vans, Yeah, those big vans. Anyway,
I shot Roman candle inside of it. Yeah, that was
about it. I think I think I send some of
the seats. I'm gonna apologize to doctor Osmond for that one.
That was my fault. Also, also, you know what I
(41:26):
did there. We bought some stink bombs from South of
the Border and I shattered the glass vial in a
small thermosyp Okay. Then I would just occasionally on the
trip crack open the thermos and just do a little
air out and then put it back on. I thought
that was like the nice way to do it. It
(41:47):
was fun anyway. South of the Border See's next week.
Host
Daniel Tosh
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