October 15, 2024 • 45 mins
Daniel sits down for a session with the psychologist and licensed sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri that covers everything from treating couples and throuples to the orgasm gap and P. Diddy’s freak-offs.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in
the last seven years.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Well, I brought it upshaw Tosh Live from Los Angeles.
It's Tuesday Borning Live with Eddie Goslen, Pete Rellia, John l. Rick,
(00:31):
musical guest Dylan Stern, and your host Daniel Tosh. Welcome
to Tosh Show. Oh, I'm so nervous to be here.
That's all I've got. How you doing, Eddie?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'm doing good.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
How are you? Man? I am doing swell Eddie. You
know we don't ever do what's that I would say?
We've never done it. Okay, in our entire friendship, we've
never said I love you. I say it all the time.
You've never said it to me. I think I might
have said it to be funny once. No, you've never
said it. Well, I do love you? You do? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:10):
I love you?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Ah, I knew you did you bussy. Here's where I'm
going with this. I'm not gonna say it to you
because that's fucking stupid. My wife says I love you
to everyone. She's made it completely meaningless, like literally, we
made such a big deal about it the first time
(01:31):
that we said I love you to each other after
a year of dating. But like when I just listen
to her. Every phone conversation with her friends ends with
I love you. Every conversation with any member of her
family or my family ends with I love you. But
she's not saying it back either, just being played. She
(01:52):
initiates our neighbors. She says, I love you to him.
I'm literally losing my mind, she says. To our h
fat guy, her hot trainer, she says, I love you
too all the time. You know, I think where it
comes from or why it annoys me so much, is
because you always hear douchebaggy guys, you know on these
(02:13):
dating shows Bachelor, You know, I don't throw I love
you around very very often. They try to make it
seem so much bigger than it really is. If I
could go back in time to each one of my relationships,
I would just say it on night one, like oh
I love you. Yeah. I'd say to every girl, oh
I love you, Just so you know, I say it
(02:36):
pretty easily. I would tell everyone why not? Who cares it?
It doesn't mean anything, Just say it. If you're in
a relationship or dating somebody for two months, just say it,
I love you, I love you so much. Well, this
is what my wife has done. She's taken the power
(02:56):
away from it. So now when I tell her I
love you, it's just like, well who cares. It's like
I might as well just give you a handshake. No,
I'm not gonna say that. Our relationship still doesn't have spice.
The other day, you know, and I bought her edible
period panties. Oh and by the way, they're not made
uh from the fruit roll ups. No, No, that's not
sturdy enough. They're made from jerky.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Yeah, it's a bigger panty. It's a meal, and it's nice.
It's a meal. If you're going to open up a
pair of period panties, you better have an appetite cause, uh,
it's a meal.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
Or no.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Beef, that's beef jerky. It's good. I got her the
tie chili ones. Oh yeah, yeah, she said it burned
and itch. But whatever. I don't want to go into
too much more detail. I know our listeners and viewers
are getting all horned up. I'm gonna ask you nicely.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Hold hold hold, hold, hold.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Enjoy Pasha. Today's guest will probably attempt to get into
my mind because she is a license forensic and clinical
psychologist and also a certified sex therapist. But I have
a perfect relationship with my hot mother, So good luck
trying to psychoanalyze me. Please welcome, sexy therapist. Hey, no,
(04:34):
sex therapist. You know what. I'm just gonna go with
doctor Kate. How's that? How are you?
Speaker 2 (04:40):
I'm okay? How are you?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
I'm doing well? Thank you? Good?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Are you really?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Uh huh? Oh No. The first thing she's already in,
she's already in. There's the nightmare, all right, I'll still well,
let's start with do you believe in ghosts?
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Ghosts of previous relationships?
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Maybe, but that's the only type. Yeah, you don't believe
in ghosts, then it's a no. What about skeletons in
people's closets?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Metaphorically?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Sure? Sure, good grief. Just so you know my background,
I've never been to therapy. Never. No, why I resent
I don't know, you know, I've never felt like I
really needed it, And I always figured the cuckoo stuff
in my head that I could live with helped me professionally,
(05:29):
So I was like, I just leave it.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Did you know that your face is changing colors? Right?
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Now probably. I mean it's well, Listen, I'm aware that
I'm on the wrong side of it. Listen.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Everybody can benefit from having somebody to talk to, but
not everyone needs to go to therapy. So you make
a decision about what works for you.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
When you live in Los Angeles, so many people are
so open about their therapy, and I have friends that
have been in therapy for decades, and I say to myself,
why am I hanging out with someone that hasn't been
fixed yet? Is it's just forever, We're going to do
this forever.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
No. People go to therapy for lots of different reasons.
Sometimes they want a solution to a symptom that's really
bothering them, and that's probably more of like a short
term experience in therapy. But sometimes people want a place
that's a neutral space, and they want a long term
relationship with someone who knows them so that they can
go back and get tuneups and check in across lots
(06:27):
of different milestones in their life, and it can be
really helpful. Right Like we all have an accountant, we
all have a mechanic. If you have a car and
you go to these experts when you don't know what
to do yourself and spy. It can be the same way.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Same with it like a medical doctor. When stuff's wrong
with me, I don't go, well, that sounds like a
you thing. I know it is. Oh yeah definitely. I'm
just like, ah, that'll work itself out. And you know,
I don't need to use my back the same way
I used to. I just wanted you to have you know,
know who you were talking to on some somebody. Again,
I think it's rate for other people, not for me.
(07:02):
Where are you with that in person therapy versus you know,
the teletherrapy.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
It's such a good question. Like for some people, virtual
therapy is the only reason they can make time for it.
It gives them the space, It gives them the flexibility
to actually get into some of the stuff they want
to get into, which is great. For other people, they
don't like it because they can't get enough privacy at home,
you know, they live in a smaller space. Maybe their
partner or kids make it hard to focus. They want
(07:29):
to be in person.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
I mean, any doctor that lets me just like hold
up my kid's arm into a camera and will like
send me a you know, a prescription, I'm like, thank you.
It's so much better.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
It's convenience.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Oh, you're originally from Wisconsin, went to school in Chicago.
Now say what you will about the blown out of proportion,
you know, gun violence. How much do you love Chicago?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
I love it. I miss it so much.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I go back regularly.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Or no, I was just there a few weeks ago. Yeah,
it's great.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
It's a good time a year to be there.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
It is.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
It's beautiful. There's a small window. There's like three weeks
in the beginning to fall and three weeks at the
end of spring, exactly right, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yep, the rest of it. You can leave there.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Sure. Sure. You began your career as a therapist working
in the legal system with prison inmates. What was that like?
Speaker 2 (08:17):
It was, honestly such a great education because I got
to see the worst of humanity and also the best.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
It was really insightful who was the best?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
You get to see the best of humanity in these
really small moments where new inmates would come in and look,
most of the time, it's pretty doggy dog in there.
But every once in a while you saw someone take
someone else under their wing without another agenda. You saw
them give somebody something from commissary because they were having
a really hard time, or you saw them have a
(08:49):
growth moment that was really profound. You know. There were
just little moments.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Like that that really shand through my biggest fear in life.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Going to prison. Yes, good for good reason.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Well that in monsters, but yeah, no, it seems awful.
How do you transition the career into sex therapy?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Yeah? Well, working with sex offenders for as long as
I did gave me a lot of training and a
lot of understanding to really understand the different relationships that
people have with sex and howe how people use sex
to communicate different things that they want or they need
in life. I wanted to help people move away from
a relationship with sex that was really painful in some way,
(09:30):
to a relationship with sex that felt ripe with pleasure,
that was thriving, that was healthy, that was expansive and
generative in their lives. So that's sort of the journey.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Who benefits from you the most? Is it people that
have had, like, you know, horrible sex trauma in their
life or is it people that are just trying to
enrich their sex lives? Both?
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Huh?
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Both?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Right? I work with people who have had horrific trauma
in their lives. People who have pain during sex, who
can't get an erection, or who ejaculate too soon or
sooner than they would like. I work with people who
want to open their relationship and they don't know how
to get started, people who want to get kinky and
they don't know how to get started, or mixed relationships,
or one person's more of vanilla, one person's more kinky,
(10:13):
and they're trying to figure out how to make that
make sense. We work with a lot of folks who
are recovering from infidelity and trying to figure out why
they went there.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
We do a lot a lot of people trying to
fix their relationship.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
A lot of people trying to fix is an interesting word, right.
Fix assumes that there's a finish line or a finite point,
or that we're all these static creatures where it just
like pop back into place. But that's not really how
it works, right. We're all dynamics, So it's about integration, understanding, assimilation,
you know, kind of creating a new path forward. So
(10:47):
it's a very dynamic process.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I mean, the real fix is divorce, but they don't
want to do that. Is that a fix well. Sometimes
sometimes sometimes you have recommend that they get divorced because
you know enough information about one of the parties that
you're like, m, this is not this is not going
to work. You're wasting your time.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I might say that. I might say I might say,
this is seeming like a fruitless effort. Okay, let's explore that.
I will push people to explore what divorce could look like,
but I'll also push them to explore what not getting
divorced could look like. I don't have an agenda for
people's relationships. They might come in already decided they're going
to get a divorce, but they're buying time, or they
(11:26):
want to try one more thing, or they have it
in their head that if me or my partner could
just get to this thing, then then everything will be okay.
So you know, I don't want to push people. I
trust that everyone knows where they need to be when
they're ready to know that.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Oh that's a mistake. I mean, oh, you see, you
have no agenda. But your agenda is you'd like your
clients to be happy. I want my.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Clients to feel content and at peace with the decisions
that they make in life, and to have meaning and
create meaning where they need it and want it, and
to make hard decisions. It's not always possible to be
happy all the time, right. We want to create a
life that has meanings so that we can sustain the
parts that aren't so happy and really enjoy the parts
(12:11):
that are.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I enjoy the roller coaster. It's real high highs, and
then I like just crashing. By the way, anytime I
refer I have a sex question during this interview, I
want you to know it's not about me. It's for
a friend always. Okay, of course I get that.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
You don't even have sex. I'm sure I do.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Do you.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
I have sex with my wife, you know, pretty regularly.
That's great for your standard vanilla clients. How many times
do you want them to go at it a week?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
However, many times it makes sense for.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
What I'm talking about vanilla people.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
However, many times it makes sense for them. There isn't
an ideal, right, because every couple is different.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in
the last seven years.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Well, I brought it up. That's all right, that's a start, Daniel.
I think it's okay. I think it's okay that she doesn't.
I'm like, you know what, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
It depends on why. For some partners they'd be like, yeah, no,
that's my thing. I want to be the initiator m hm.
And for some they're like, I want my partner to
initiate more. And I don't know why they're not.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
We've turned into like like some nineteen eighties sitcom where
I'm chasing her around that come here. I believe that
if I'm being honest about who I am sexually, it
hasn't really changed that much since I was, you know, fourteen.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
And I believe women change so much more physically throughout
their lives, whether it's just you know, as they get older,
having a baby, if they have a baby, you know,
you got organs moving around your everything about them seems
like it's just a moving target at all points of
their lives. So it's I always feel like, ah, this
(13:58):
is this is tough. Refigure this stuff out constantly.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
That sounds like a fun adventure, and.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Gay, I go, I should look at it that way.
I'm just always looking for a cheat code. I'm like,
all right, what now, what are you injured now? Be
talking less. Got it. I've been married for almost ten years.
Can sex therapy shut out the part of my brain
that remembers my twenties and thirties? You know, when I
was living the good life. I don't mean to say
(14:26):
the good life, but now that actually describes it pretty much.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
You mean, like, do we have one of those men
in black things where it can just and like out
goes a whole day?
Speaker 3 (14:34):
No?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
I mean, I don't know. I just feel like, is
there a way to block that out? Get rid of
the roll of desk?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
We want to?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Well, are you playing the compare and despair game? Daniel?
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Oh? Is that what it's called? Yeah? No, I'm not
playing it? Well now I am now because you put
in my heads. Now I'm doing it. I can't stop
doing it right now.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
You know, maybe you could use all of those memories
as like ideas to bring fun stuff into your tenure marriage.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Whatever you liked about those experiences, can they be a
bridge into the now?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
There were just somebody knew, that's all, you know. I've
never wanted to break up with somebody for someone else
in my way, that's nice. I've always wanted to break
up just so I could be alone again.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Okay. I was like, oh yeah, is it really taxing
for you to be in a relationship?
Speaker 3 (15:21):
No?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Not now now the person'm in relationship, I'm just like, yeah,
this is great, amazing, let's just let's just ride this out.
Mm hmm. Anyway, this is what therapy is. Yeah, this
isn't bad. Is cut your check at the end of
my venmo your houses work?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Hmmm, I'll send you a bill.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
What's the most common reason someone goes to see a
sex therapist?
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Usually because something's going on in their sex life and
they don't know how to make it better, But the
underlying question is usually something like am I normal? Am
I broken?
Speaker 1 (15:56):
You know?
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Am I okay? For wanting what I want? Or because
this thing has happened. So usually it's about addressing something
that they don't know how to make sense of and
making sure that they're like, okay.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
How do you start we come in for a sex
therapy session. How quickly do we just start talking about
the weird stuff that they do?
Speaker 2 (16:16):
I wouldn't call it weird, but sex therapy is just
like every other kind of therapy. At the start, it's
getting a lot of background about someone their life, their
medical history, legal history, family history, social history. We want
to know who you are holistically, and then we're going
to talk about whatever sexually is bringing you into the
space so that we can have a really integrated idea
(16:38):
of what's going on.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
How kinky are you dealing? I'm just like, are these
people like straight up freaks? What's the scale? What are
people into?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Now?
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Why wouldn't use the word freak unless we're using it
in like a positive like they're freaky, they're getting freaky
to what do.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
They just like have to like harness themselves up and
all that.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Have you ever tried it? No, Well, then you don't
know what you're missing.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
That's fine. I've never been to Bora Bora and I'm
okay with that. Okay, I know it's beautiful. Yeah, but
it's like whatever.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
People are kinky for lots of reasons, right, and it's
not always about sex, at least not penetrative sex. Kink
is really it's a vehicle for intimacy, intimacy with self,
intimacy with others. So people are kinky because they get
to feel something in their body or something in the
dynamic that they don't have access to otherwise, and sex
(17:28):
is play. It's play for adults, whether you're vanilla or kinky.
But the kinky folks, you know, they get pretty creative. Now.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
I've been my previous show that I had on Comedy Central,
I've been known to kink shame a time or two.
But I'll be honest with you in my defense, the
internet is just a horrible place, and I had no idea.
I mean, half the videos I didn't even know that
it was I mean, that's not true. I probably knew
it was sexual, but it's just so bizarre, the random
things that some people are just like, no, I just
(17:58):
sit here and comb somebody's hair for four hours. It's
just disturbing, is it?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Or is it just something you don't understand?
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I don't understand. Also, come on, that's what you need
to be doing. What about people that are into that weird?
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Uh uh?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
This is going to get disgusting. But yes, let's just
say poop people that are in like, is it poop play?
Is that a thing? Whatever?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
The thing?
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, you have to sit there and act like this
this is acceptable. What you're saying, Oh you're into this,
it's okay.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Why wouldn't it be okay?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
It's disgusting.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Yeah, Look, excrement can be really gross. We're all conditioned
to think you you you, and like disgust serves a very.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
He don't like it, Carls, like you're about to talk
about although he's a car.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, Carl's like Daniel, you're like speaking out of your
lane here.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Fair enough, fair enough, Carl, I apologize all right.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
People like it for different reasons. Some people enjoy that
kind of play because it is gross and they like
to lean into the disgust element or the humiliation element.
Some people like it because they want to reclaim something
in themselves. You know, everyone's different, and the important thing
to remember, whatever the kink is that somebody's doing, it's
(19:10):
a metaphor for something that they're trying to experience in life.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
No, that's just that's just some fucked up parents. That's
that's all it is. You just got to tell them
get out of your off and also, duh, it just
you clean the couch.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Everyone's got different things, I know. That's the beauty of sex, right,
Like it is so diverse. That's the one constant is
that it's diverse, and human beings are super super diverse.
We all like different kinds of foods. We like different
kinds of music. Why wouldn't we like different kinds of sex?
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I know we do. But no matter what you're into,
it's still you just want to get to the finish line.
The finish line is the same for everybody. Not necessarily,
it's still.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Focusing too much on an orgasm. Can really listen? Orgasms
are great. We've got to close the gap first of all.
But close the gap, the orgasm gap.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
What's the gap?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Oh, he's not heard of the orgasm gap?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
No, what is this?
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Okay? So big study was done a few years ago,
like fifty thousand ish participants.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
I would have participated. I bet you would have.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
And what they looked at were people's gender and sexual
orientations and their frequency of orgasm. What they learned is
that there's a huge gap for heterosexual people. Heterosexual men
have orgasms like something like ninety five percent of the time.
Uh huh, whereas heterosexual women have orgasms only something like
(20:33):
sixty five percent of the time.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
You don't, I say, who cares?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
I do feel sorry for your wife.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
But if you would have told me it was fifty
percent gap, I would have been like, of course, it's fifty.
I'm not gonna be I'm not shocked by that at all.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
No, not at all.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
But it sucks for women who have sex with men exclusively,
like their orgasm potential is so low.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Well, maybe they shouldn't be so hard to have an orgasm.
Maybe I'm getting hostile.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I hear that I want to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
Shouldn't mabe, shouldn't take so long. Oh, it's not our fault.
You're wired so tricky, isn't it though?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Is it in your do we need to talk about
where things are? Do you want to know? Should I
bring in my my life?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Listen, I'm I know what to do. But it's like
sometimes it's like, hey, you know, there's sometimes you're with
your partner again. I'm not talking about my way. I'm
talking about just in general.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Your friend's wife.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
They'll say those that you know, it's just not happening
that you know, all the same things are are are
in play here, but you know what you can just
they're just going to tap out, Yeah happens. And I'm
always like, as soon as I get that tap, I'm like,
oh great, three two one, h all right, So there's
a big gap. What do we have to do to
(21:41):
close the gap, We've got to be toys. Yes, do
you say toys or do you say what?
Speaker 2 (21:45):
What? What? Are?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
We call them sex toys? We call them what toys?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Accessory? That's more pre dildos. You can say whatever you want.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I don't. I don't want to see a now. Dildos
have always dildo. I tell you what. Dildo's have gotten
a bad rap. There you go. Yeah, I mean because
whenever I think of a dilda, I'm like, oh, that's
that's disturbing. But a vibrator, I'm like, oh that's nice,
that's interesting. But I'm just like, oh, I don't know,
because it's a big fake penis. I remember once seeing
(22:13):
a dildo under my one of my friend's beds uh
in college, and I was just like, you dirty hoe.
I didn't say that out loud, but I thought that
that's well. I'm just remembering now.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
It feels like you have some big feelings about this.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Well, I just again, you know, they make dilo's look
like penises too. That's always seen. Do you not like penises?
I mean I like, I think they're fine. Oh no,
you think you can You can't corner me. I'm out.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
You didn't get the three taps yet.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Hey, uh, penis envy? Do people bring up penis envy? Well?
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I think a lot of people heard Freud talk about
penis envy way back when. So there's there's a lot
of mythology about penis env Do you ever just.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Tell your clients listen, this is how many inches you
have to be for it to be a non issue.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
No, because everyone's different. Everyone's anatomy is different, vaginas are
different in length.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Are micro penis is a real thing?
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:12):
How small can they be?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Micro? Like?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
What is an actual micro penis? I mean they vary,
but would two inches erect be considered a micro penis?
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Possibly? I'd have to look at the exact specs on that.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I'd like to know what a micro penis. But what
the cutoff is for a micro penis. It's like a
little person, right, they have to be like under four
to eleven or something. I don't know what the rule is.
Is there any correlation between feet, hands, and penis.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
There's different studies about that. I don't think there's anything conclusive,
But recently I read that the one piece of anatomy
that's most correlated to penis sizes actually.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Knows, meaning what like a larger nose, a larger penis,
something like that.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
I don't know if that's true. That's just something I
read recently.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Huh, that's interesting. Can you get me into any of
the eyes wide shut parties that are going on in
Beverly Hills. I've got some connections you do, so you
know they exist.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Yeah, there's lots of parties.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Do you go to those? Ever, I'm not going to
tell you that. Okay, that's fair, but they exist. I
never thought they existed, and now I'm being told they do,
and now I'm being it's confirmation here that they do exist.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
No, there's all kinds of fun parties, not just in LA.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
You host those parties.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Different people, sometimes the organizations. Sometimes they're private parties.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Like an airbnb.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Oh, like, there's there's different companies that sex party is
is their things?
Speaker 1 (24:32):
What do they do to that the house? Though? I mean,
it's just that's respectable. No, they're not.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Sometimes it depends on who hosts them and who goes.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Oh, I don't want to rent that house after them.
You feel like, you know, like if you buy a
house and somebody just died in the house, they have
to let you know full disclosure. Yeah, I feel like
if your house was used as a sex party, they
should have to let you know why. I don't know,
so that I can scrape up some ass blood.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
I mean, I imagine that's been taken care of.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
I've seen the forensic work that people do. You always
there's always a drip somewhere.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Well, that could be true.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
How do they let you know one of these sex
parties is about to happen? They send out an evite?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
What's sometimes? I mean it depends, right, Like some of
the organizations that literally host these parties. Yeah, you get
on their newsletter. They some of them are by invite only.
Some of them you can apply to be accepted into.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Some of them, just like you have to have a
plus one.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Every Every party is different, right, Some parties, No, you
can come as a single person.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Yeah, Oh there's Tony. He's always here alone. This comes
in glomen on my wife. Anytime I've been to a
party in my life. I'm going to a party tomorrow
night and I'm dreading it.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
But it's a sex party.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Oh it's a birthday party anyway, But I just go
and I just immediately my wife and I just she like,
we just go to a corner and then I just
keep saying, like every five minutes, you think it's cool
if we leave. Now that that's how I envision how
I would beat a sex party. Well, yeah, I got mine.
(26:06):
How about you?
Speaker 2 (26:06):
I mean, therapy could help with your social skills.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Percentage of clients that are there by themselves versus with
a couple, Oh, it's so mixed.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
I mean, our practice works with individuals and couples. Some
specialize in one or the other. So we're pretty we're
pretty even. I would say we're maybe fifty five percent individuals,
forty five percent couples. Right now, some thrupples, some quads.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Quad and that's where you stop. You know what, I
feel like the quads are trying to do what I
feel like they're lying and they're just trying to get
a better rate on their therapy by coming in all together.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You know what, I'm going to investigate that that's an
interesting hypothesis.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Yes, just seems like they're trying to scam the system.
Oh yeah, just just act like we all bone each
other all right, here we go. Oh, I mean, honestly,
you have these thrupples come in of course, and I
pretend that they have like like, I know your problem.
There's fucking three of you.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
That's a problem at an opportunity for them. But listen,
folks who are non monogamous have typically are better adjusted
because they have to practice more communication, more proactive communication,
and they have to really work at it. Like one
relationship is hard, so if you add multiple relationships to
the mix, balancing all those boundaries and negotiating things, yeah,
(27:19):
it's complicated, but it can be great. I wouldn't call
it nonsense.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Do you think humans are meant to be monogamous?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
I think there's a huge spectrum and there isn't a
right or wrong way. Let me give you a little
history lesson Before the h I think it was the
agricultural Revolution, we weren't monogamous as like a group, a
cohesive group. There was a lot more community play happening,
community child rearing, community, everything. But once the agricultural revolution
(27:46):
happened and we started having like assets, like things that
we earned, then people wanted more assurance that the things
they were working for so at that time it was
like livestock and whatnot. They wanted to be able to
pass that along to their own children. So that's around
the same time that we started living more in like
a nuclear family dynamic, and when monogamy became more of
(28:10):
the desired relationship style because then men could determine the
paternity of offspring. When we had a lot of non
monogamous sex as humans, that was less known. So do
I think people are healthier? Not necessarily. Some people really
benefit from non monogamy and some people really benefit from monogamy.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
There's a huge spectrum in that spectrum. Would you say
that gay relationships are less monogamous than hetero relationships or
not necessarily?
Speaker 2 (28:39):
That's a really interesting question. I don't know the data
on that, but I would say there's a huge spectrum
of people in the queer community who prefer monogamy and
non monogamy.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Well, I'm trying to get them on the hook for
monogamy because I call the other stuff bullshit. If you
just get to go out willy nilly, reilly nilly, there's
a trade off you want to get married. It's like
you have to suck it up and suffer, Daniel.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
This is why people go to therapy, right.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Oh, to yell their stupid views. Do you have a
therapist to unload on of course, Now are you allowed
to just when you're in that environment just talk about
all of your clients in a free form there.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Great question. So therapists can have therapists, and sometimes they
might process some stuff that comes up for them from
their work in their own therapy, but usually we have
a separate space for that called supervision, where we consult
with other therapists about our cases.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Specifically, is sex therapy covered by insurance?
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Sometimes?
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Do you take insurance?
Speaker 2 (29:42):
No? Okay, but we do offer super bills and sliding scales.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Do you need it because you're usually hanging out with
a bunch of elitists in Beverly Hills, now right, I
wouldn't say that.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Oh, but yeah, our rates vary. We do what we
do do though, because accessibility is really important to me.
We have contracts with different schools to be a training
site for therapists, so we offer low and no cost
services with.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Our students, their students or students.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
No, no, we train therapists students, and then to the
folks out in the world they get really reasonable prices.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
Are sex therapists considered sex workers?
Speaker 2 (30:16):
That's a really interesting question. Some people treat us like
sex workers.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
What do you mean by that?
Speaker 2 (30:21):
They want to come in and throw money at a
problem and they want us to sort of like fix
it for them or address it in that way. Some people,
I don't know if they really don't know what we
do or if this is a gross boundary violation, but
they will try to engage in some kind of exhibitionism
(30:43):
or you know, they'll do inappropriate thing.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I know what you're saying now.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Yeah, so that happens for sex therapists quite a bit.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
You immediately report.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
That, my practice does.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to report someone because they
told you they've done something awful. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
So in California, every state as mandated reporter requirements where
we have to make reports, but it's really limited to
things like someone saying they're going to hurt themselves or
someone else. We have to report that. If someone tells
us that they know of any emotional, physical, sexual, or
financial abuse against someone under eighteen or over sixty five,
(31:21):
then we have to report that. And that includes child
sexual abuse material, so any like sexually explicit images of
children that they've been viewing or distributing or downloading knowingly.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
When you talk about pedophile stuff like that it's a sickness, right,
would you say pedophilia is a sickness or no, I
would say.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
It's it's a pathology.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Yeah, well, it's just the one thing that if someone
has no one, no one goes, oh, well they have
a disease and there's no everybody's just like now fuck them.
They burn at the steak.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
Yeah. Look, humans love easy black and white categorizations, right,
So we love to think of ourselves as good people
and bad people. Yep, And that's just not the reality
of life. Like, there's so many people out in the
world who are really good people outward facing, and they're
doing things at home that are really really abusive, really horrible.
(32:14):
It's like, the most common data about perpetrators of sexual
violence is that it's always, not always, but majority of
the time, it's someone known to the victim. And when
your child, that means it's a parent, a caregiver, a teacher,
a coach, religious person that you know has been entrusted
with children. It's all these adults or older siblings around them.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
So I gotta get all the adults out of my
kid's life, because I can rule myself out, I can
rule my wife out. Other than that, I can't trust anyone. Wow,
So no religious figures can go around my kids, the teachers.
I don't know how to get around that one.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
That's hard. Yeah, that's why it's not so easy to
look at everyone as black and white. Good people, bad people.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Well I think all of them are bad. If they're
looking at my kid.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
They're doing really horrible things.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Yeah that's awful. Yeah, talk to me. Oh oh, we
got to get into this. If you were called to
provide your psychological expertise in the p Ditty case, what
would your diagnosis be?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Oh, well, we can't provide diagnoses for people we've never evaluated.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I know, but let's just go for it. I mean,
this is this fascinating, this case.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
This is why I became a forensic psychologist.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
You get to understand why people do the most malevolent
and dark things that they do, and why do they
so many different reasons. People's motivations vary, but usually when
it comes to stuff like this, the motivation is power.
It's wanting to have control, it's wanting to feel superior
or feel protected in your superiority, and having a sense
(33:45):
of power gives people that illusion of superiority and It
gives them the illusion then of having some sort of
safety in this world. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
I mean I believe you, and I'm I just you know,
when you live long and if you realize there's every
walk of life. Yeah, but when you're like, when you're
living your life in a normal shell or what you
perceive to be normal, and you see how other people act,
I just can't. I just can't wrap my head around it.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Yeah, well, that's good, you're not a psychopath.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
What's he called his little sex party? What were those
the freak offs? And they went for a days? That's
I don't care what you're into sexually, what I and
I can wrap my head around. Oh, everybody's into different things,
blah blah blah. Fine. What I can't wrap my head
around is somebody's into it for three straight days. I mean,
(34:36):
no matter what I'm into. After said climax, I'm no
longer into it. I'm like, all right, let's get out
of my house, guys.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
But you're assuming it's about sexual pleasure, and it's not right.
Sexual violence is not about sexual pleasure. It's about power.
It's about being in control. So I can't speak to
this case because I haven't investigated it. I don't know
the details. I don't know the psyche.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
But when people do things like this, often they're not
even masturbating, they're not even enjoying it in that way,
or if they are, it's a short lived experience, and
then they come back to, you know, kind of resting
on this idea of I did this, this is my doing,
and that gives them a sense of control. We've seen
that with lots of kinds of situations where perpetrators are
(35:22):
found to have hosted public events in a non consensual way.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Well, okay, I'm gonna get off this. But it's just
so fresh right now in the news, like anytime something
goes three days, Like whenever you're watching a movie and
like a Jason Bourne movie, he's on the run, and
it's like, well, when are you taking a nap? When
do you go into the bathroom? P do you still
have to go out in normal day activities? Like when
was he checking emails? Like while all this nonsense is
(35:49):
going on in the living room. Just the smell alone,
I'm just confused. Oh, he's going away and he's gonna
get locked up. I know, you don't know the particulars.
But he's done right, is done. See that's the trade off. Yeah,
you could look at my life and say it's boring,
but look at that idiot. I thought he was, you know,
gonna ride that biggie fame forever. Nope, everybody's on my
(36:12):
show gets a gift. Oh yeah, but it's just stuff
for my house that I don't want.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
I don't want your dildo.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Oh you know that's funny that you say that. I
was like going around my house like I don't have
any sexy stuff to give it. But this, this is
the last interview that I'm doing with this table.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
So I'm giving you this table. I don't know where
you're gonna put it, but this table is now yours.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
That is just so generous. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
So I need you to take this with you. Get
your get your get my mug off your table. I
have this candle to you. This is sensual amber. You're
gonna love that candle. Well, thank you. That's your table,
so I guess you can keep it on there. Thank you.
What else do I have done here? Oh? This I
wanted you to have? This is uh. I don't never
(37:02):
I'm always paranoid to get rid of my old computers
because there's probably stuff on there that I don't want.
But this one, you know, I figured you're legally you
can't look at that, and there's nothing on there that
you would be uh freaked out by. So I'm just
gonna give you my old computer as well.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
That's that is very generous, all right?
Speaker 1 (37:20):
Can you sit them on the floor your gifts. I'm
excited for you to have these things. Thank you, You're welcome.
Are you in a relationship currently? I am. How long
have you been in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (37:32):
H five years? Over five years?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Now, what's the longest you've ever been in a relationship
this one? Look at that? You think you're going to
go the distance? I don't know what that means. Thirty
to forty more years?
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Maybe we'll see.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Would you like that? Do you want to grow old
with someone or no?
Speaker 2 (37:48):
I think there's benefits to that for sure, and there
are benefits to maybe not doing that. It all depends
on the quality of the relationship that someone's in. If
it's great, like yeah, why wouldn't you want to go
the distance in that? But if it's something that isn't
a good fit for one or both people, I don't
recommend going the distance.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Just to say you went. I feel like it's just
like a contest. Let's see if we can do it.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
That's your motivation, go for it.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
Do you have a safe word in your relationship? Sure
you do? Yeah, okay, that's all I need to know.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
I'm not going to tell you what it is, though.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Mine's called nine one one.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
That's that's very safe. Total boner killer too.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
I just scream, well, there's no there's only one boner
in the room. And if I'm screaming, call nine one one,
somebody better do it. Exactly where do you put sex
in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (38:32):
What?
Speaker 1 (38:32):
What number is it? As like things that are the
most important to you.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
It's totally different based on the partners in every relationship.
For some people that's like number one priority and that's fine.
For other people it's like, it's nice, great, we'll do
it when we want to, and it's maybe two, three, four,
even fifth down in the rung of priorities, and that's okay,
as long as there's cohesion between partners on how to
(38:57):
prioritize sex.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Mine is mine? Is you usually number two? Okay? In
the morning. By the evening it's it's down to like nine.
I get that. Sometimes it spikes back back up to
two or three, and then it just immediately drops again
into the low teens. When when is h When is
my sexual drive going to fall off a cliff? I'm
(39:20):
forty nine right now. Do you have a general idea
of when that should happen?
Speaker 2 (39:25):
So, I mean for people with penises, it's usually when
their testosterone starts to decrease. But now, everyone's baseline level
of desire in libido is pretty different, So your normal
might be somebody else's high desire or low desire today.
So in five years or ten years.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
You know, when you're talking to seventy year old? Do
you ever talk to seventy year old?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
Oh? Of course?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Are they still pleasure in themselves?
Speaker 3 (39:49):
The men?
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Yeah, they are, yeah, often? Yes? Did you you know
what nightment? When do I get to stop?
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Whenever you want?
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Well, you know when do I? When do I want
to stop?
Speaker 2 (40:00):
Well, that's a different story.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I don't know, right, you said, seventy year olds are
still sitting around yanking it.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
You know, what's interesting is that there is such a
high rate of STD occurrence in independent living communities and
older communities because older people are people, and they're having
lots of sex, and they don't have to be bothered
by like the fears of pregnancy anymore.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
So there's raw dogging it in the old folks home.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
There's a lot of fun happening.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Yeah, disgusting the balls that must hang and swing in
those communities, Jesus, just disturbing.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Well seeing here, you thought men's bodies didn't change much.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Now, balls, ears, and noses, they just keep going on men.
It's just a horrific hmm. Well, you know that's neat
that you talk to these old people and they're still disgusting.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Old people are beautifully sexual humans too.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
What's the best way to go into a relationship if
you want your sex life to thrive throughout?
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Oh, with humility, right and curiosity? Sex is fun, right,
Sex hopefully, it's great.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
It can be sure, it's a time killer.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
It's something to do. I'm worried about your wife, don't honesty.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
That's fair, that's fair. Again, we're not talking about me,
your friend's wife. That's right, thank you.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
Yeah, So sex is great, and it can also be
a landscape for all kinds of really complex emotions and
really complex like social experiences. So I think there's a
lot to parse out and a lot to consider when
you think about how to go into a relationship to
have great sex. You want to be curious, you want
to be humble, you want to think about your intentions
(41:42):
for being sexual, and you want to think about it
as a co created experience. Right, that's something that one
person is giving to another person or getting from another person.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
I don't do any of that. I just want to
be attracted to the person. That's a start. That's it.
I mean on all levels, not just a physical attraction.
That's up there. Kate, thank you very much for being here.
I'm going to figure everything out on my own.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
I think you're doing a great job.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Okay, I appreciate it. Eddie, Yes, I got some big news.
I want you to know that I'm an ally and
I support your decision. No, Eddie, that's not it. This
is going to affect all of us. The show Toss
(42:31):
Show now has merch. Look at this, huh? I got
my Carl's shirt on. Do you believe in ghost sweatshirts? Hats,
t shirts? Oh my goodness, it's a small pointed rollout.
Do we have any shackets? I don't think so. Will
we get shackets hopefully one day, But right now you
(42:55):
can be the first on your block to rock some
Toss Show gear. Now where do you get it? That's interesting? Target? Nah,
I don't think it's available at Target. Either go to
Daniel Toosh dot com or Tossshowstore dot com. There's probably
a link there if you check the description on this video,
(43:17):
we'll have a link. I mean, this is exciting guys.
All right, here's the deal. If I catch anybody wearing
Toss Show merch out in public, I'm gonna run up
to you and tickle you. Oh yeah, okay, and you,
by you wearing this, you have agreed to be tickled.
I want to thank everyone in advance who purchases one
(43:38):
of these items and then sees me out in public
wearing it and does this. It'll be fine, all right.
Back to the show, Casha, I want to thank doctor
Kate for being on the show talking about sex for
(43:58):
an hour. Get me all rock card. Then she takes
our table I got enough of to hide a boner. Ah,
that's a shame. Well, I'm looking forward to our new table.
I am a new boner. We got some plugs this
week Carl, we got our boys wear pink eddiegosling dot
com for his tour dates. Come see me on tour.
(44:20):
Also our free plug segment. Oh, this is exciting. Every
week a new business or town or something getting a
free plug from us. This week, Eddie, you're gonna love
this one. I know how much you love magic. Pete too,
Pete loves. We've got two people in a room of
(44:40):
four people that love magic. Carl not so much. This
week's free plug Abbot's Magic Shop in Colon, Michigan, the
magic capital of the world. You find yourself in Colon,
head on over to Abbots for a wide selection of
new and gently used magic items. You ever heard the
term gently used? It's ridiculous. I just found out about Colon,
(45:06):
the butthole of America. If you ask me, I bet you,
I bet you. They've never heard that over there at Colon. Anyway,
if you're in the market for some failed magicians chalet
duck bucket, they get one for a bargain over there
at four hundred bucks. Or gently used ten inch featherweight
linking rings they're gonna run around six fifty over at
(45:26):
Abbot's Magic Shop. I'm told the twelve inch ones normally
cost around seven to fifty, but they're currently out of stock.
All right, that's an Abbot's Magic Shop in Colon, Michigan.
Tell them Tosh sent you. Enjoy You don't get anything
for that. You still have to pay full price, but
it'd be funny if you tell them I sent you
and located on Saint Joseph Street between Canal and State
(45:51):
Street in downtown Colon, Michigan. See you next week.
I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in
the last seven years.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Well, I brought it upshaw Tosh Live from Los Angeles.
It's Tuesday Borning Live with Eddie Goslen, Pete Rellia, John l. Rick,
(00:31):
musical guest Dylan Stern, and your host Daniel Tosh. Welcome
to Tosh Show. Oh, I'm so nervous to be here.
That's all I've got. How you doing, Eddie?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'm doing good.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
How are you? Man? I am doing swell Eddie. You
know we don't ever do what's that I would say?
We've never done it. Okay, in our entire friendship, we've
never said I love you. I say it all the time.
You've never said it to me. I think I might
have said it to be funny once. No, you've never
said it. Well, I do love you? You do? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:10):
I love you?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Ah, I knew you did you bussy. Here's where I'm
going with this. I'm not gonna say it to you
because that's fucking stupid. My wife says I love you
to everyone. She's made it completely meaningless, like literally, we
made such a big deal about it the first time
(01:31):
that we said I love you to each other after
a year of dating. But like when I just listen
to her. Every phone conversation with her friends ends with
I love you. Every conversation with any member of her
family or my family ends with I love you. But
she's not saying it back either, just being played. She
(01:52):
initiates our neighbors. She says, I love you to him.
I'm literally losing my mind, she says. To our h
fat guy, her hot trainer, she says, I love you
too all the time. You know, I think where it
comes from or why it annoys me so much, is
because you always hear douchebaggy guys, you know on these
(02:13):
dating shows Bachelor, You know, I don't throw I love
you around very very often. They try to make it
seem so much bigger than it really is. If I
could go back in time to each one of my relationships,
I would just say it on night one, like oh
I love you. Yeah. I'd say to every girl, oh
I love you, Just so you know, I say it
(02:36):
pretty easily. I would tell everyone why not? Who cares it?
It doesn't mean anything, Just say it. If you're in
a relationship or dating somebody for two months, just say it,
I love you, I love you so much. Well, this
is what my wife has done. She's taken the power
(02:56):
away from it. So now when I tell her I
love you, it's just like, well who cares. It's like
I might as well just give you a handshake. No,
I'm not gonna say that. Our relationship still doesn't have spice.
The other day, you know, and I bought her edible
period panties. Oh and by the way, they're not made
uh from the fruit roll ups. No, No, that's not
sturdy enough. They're made from jerky.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Yeah, it's a bigger panty. It's a meal, and it's nice.
It's a meal. If you're going to open up a
pair of period panties, you better have an appetite cause, uh,
it's a meal.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
Or no.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Beef, that's beef jerky. It's good. I got her the
tie chili ones. Oh yeah, yeah, she said it burned
and itch. But whatever. I don't want to go into
too much more detail. I know our listeners and viewers
are getting all horned up. I'm gonna ask you nicely.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Hold hold hold, hold, hold.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Enjoy Pasha. Today's guest will probably attempt to get into
my mind because she is a license forensic and clinical
psychologist and also a certified sex therapist. But I have
a perfect relationship with my hot mother, So good luck
trying to psychoanalyze me. Please welcome, sexy therapist. Hey, no,
(04:34):
sex therapist. You know what. I'm just gonna go with
doctor Kate. How's that? How are you?
Speaker 2 (04:40):
I'm okay? How are you?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
I'm doing well? Thank you? Good?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Are you really?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Uh huh? Oh No. The first thing she's already in,
she's already in. There's the nightmare, all right, I'll still well,
let's start with do you believe in ghosts?
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Ghosts of previous relationships?
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Maybe, but that's the only type. Yeah, you don't believe
in ghosts, then it's a no. What about skeletons in
people's closets?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Metaphorically?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Sure? Sure, good grief. Just so you know my background,
I've never been to therapy. Never. No, why I resent
I don't know, you know, I've never felt like I
really needed it, And I always figured the cuckoo stuff
in my head that I could live with helped me professionally,
(05:29):
So I was like, I just leave it.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Did you know that your face is changing colors? Right?
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Now probably. I mean it's well, Listen, I'm aware that
I'm on the wrong side of it. Listen.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Everybody can benefit from having somebody to talk to, but
not everyone needs to go to therapy. So you make
a decision about what works for you.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
When you live in Los Angeles, so many people are
so open about their therapy, and I have friends that
have been in therapy for decades, and I say to myself,
why am I hanging out with someone that hasn't been
fixed yet? Is it's just forever, We're going to do
this forever.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
No. People go to therapy for lots of different reasons.
Sometimes they want a solution to a symptom that's really
bothering them, and that's probably more of like a short
term experience in therapy. But sometimes people want a place
that's a neutral space, and they want a long term
relationship with someone who knows them so that they can
go back and get tuneups and check in across lots
(06:27):
of different milestones in their life, and it can be
really helpful. Right Like we all have an accountant, we
all have a mechanic. If you have a car and
you go to these experts when you don't know what
to do yourself and spy. It can be the same way.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Same with it like a medical doctor. When stuff's wrong
with me, I don't go, well, that sounds like a
you thing. I know it is. Oh yeah definitely. I'm
just like, ah, that'll work itself out. And you know,
I don't need to use my back the same way
I used to. I just wanted you to have you know,
know who you were talking to on some somebody. Again,
I think it's rate for other people, not for me.
(07:02):
Where are you with that in person therapy versus you know,
the teletherrapy.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
It's such a good question. Like for some people, virtual
therapy is the only reason they can make time for it.
It gives them the space, It gives them the flexibility
to actually get into some of the stuff they want
to get into, which is great. For other people, they
don't like it because they can't get enough privacy at home,
you know, they live in a smaller space. Maybe their
partner or kids make it hard to focus. They want
(07:29):
to be in person.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
I mean, any doctor that lets me just like hold
up my kid's arm into a camera and will like
send me a you know, a prescription, I'm like, thank you.
It's so much better.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
It's convenience.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Oh, you're originally from Wisconsin, went to school in Chicago.
Now say what you will about the blown out of proportion,
you know, gun violence. How much do you love Chicago?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
I love it. I miss it so much.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I go back regularly.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Or no, I was just there a few weeks ago. Yeah,
it's great.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
It's a good time a year to be there.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
It is.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
It's beautiful. There's a small window. There's like three weeks
in the beginning to fall and three weeks at the
end of spring, exactly right, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yep, the rest of it. You can leave there.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Sure. Sure. You began your career as a therapist working
in the legal system with prison inmates. What was that like?
Speaker 2 (08:17):
It was, honestly such a great education because I got
to see the worst of humanity and also the best.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
It was really insightful who was the best?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
You get to see the best of humanity in these
really small moments where new inmates would come in and look,
most of the time, it's pretty doggy dog in there.
But every once in a while you saw someone take
someone else under their wing without another agenda. You saw
them give somebody something from commissary because they were having
a really hard time, or you saw them have a
(08:49):
growth moment that was really profound. You know. There were
just little moments.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Like that that really shand through my biggest fear in life.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Going to prison. Yes, good for good reason.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Well that in monsters, but yeah, no, it seems awful.
How do you transition the career into sex therapy?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Yeah? Well, working with sex offenders for as long as
I did gave me a lot of training and a
lot of understanding to really understand the different relationships that
people have with sex and howe how people use sex
to communicate different things that they want or they need
in life. I wanted to help people move away from
a relationship with sex that was really painful in some way,
(09:30):
to a relationship with sex that felt ripe with pleasure,
that was thriving, that was healthy, that was expansive and
generative in their lives. So that's sort of the journey.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Who benefits from you the most? Is it people that
have had, like, you know, horrible sex trauma in their
life or is it people that are just trying to
enrich their sex lives? Both?
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Huh?
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Both?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Right? I work with people who have had horrific trauma
in their lives. People who have pain during sex, who
can't get an erection, or who ejaculate too soon or
sooner than they would like. I work with people who
want to open their relationship and they don't know how
to get started, people who want to get kinky and
they don't know how to get started, or mixed relationships,
or one person's more of vanilla, one person's more kinky,
(10:13):
and they're trying to figure out how to make that
make sense. We work with a lot of folks who
are recovering from infidelity and trying to figure out why
they went there.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
We do a lot a lot of people trying to
fix their relationship.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
A lot of people trying to fix is an interesting word, right.
Fix assumes that there's a finish line or a finite point,
or that we're all these static creatures where it just
like pop back into place. But that's not really how
it works, right. We're all dynamics, So it's about integration, understanding, assimilation,
you know, kind of creating a new path forward. So
(10:47):
it's a very dynamic process.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I mean, the real fix is divorce, but they don't
want to do that. Is that a fix well. Sometimes
sometimes sometimes you have recommend that they get divorced because
you know enough information about one of the parties that
you're like, m, this is not this is not going
to work. You're wasting your time.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I might say that. I might say I might say,
this is seeming like a fruitless effort. Okay, let's explore that.
I will push people to explore what divorce could look like,
but I'll also push them to explore what not getting
divorced could look like. I don't have an agenda for
people's relationships. They might come in already decided they're going
to get a divorce, but they're buying time, or they
(11:26):
want to try one more thing, or they have it
in their head that if me or my partner could
just get to this thing, then then everything will be okay.
So you know, I don't want to push people. I
trust that everyone knows where they need to be when
they're ready to know that.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Oh that's a mistake. I mean, oh, you see, you
have no agenda. But your agenda is you'd like your
clients to be happy. I want my.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Clients to feel content and at peace with the decisions
that they make in life, and to have meaning and
create meaning where they need it and want it, and
to make hard decisions. It's not always possible to be
happy all the time, right. We want to create a
life that has meanings so that we can sustain the
parts that aren't so happy and really enjoy the parts
(12:11):
that are.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I enjoy the roller coaster. It's real high highs, and
then I like just crashing. By the way, anytime I
refer I have a sex question during this interview, I
want you to know it's not about me. It's for
a friend always. Okay, of course I get that.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
You don't even have sex. I'm sure I do.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Do you.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
I have sex with my wife, you know, pretty regularly.
That's great for your standard vanilla clients. How many times
do you want them to go at it a week?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
However, many times it makes sense for.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
What I'm talking about vanilla people.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
However, many times it makes sense for them. There isn't
an ideal, right, because every couple is different.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in
the last seven years.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Well, I brought it up. That's all right, that's a start, Daniel.
I think it's okay. I think it's okay that she doesn't.
I'm like, you know what, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
It depends on why. For some partners they'd be like, yeah, no,
that's my thing. I want to be the initiator m hm.
And for some they're like, I want my partner to
initiate more. And I don't know why they're not.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
We've turned into like like some nineteen eighties sitcom where
I'm chasing her around that come here. I believe that
if I'm being honest about who I am sexually, it
hasn't really changed that much since I was, you know, fourteen.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
And I believe women change so much more physically throughout
their lives, whether it's just you know, as they get older,
having a baby, if they have a baby, you know,
you got organs moving around your everything about them seems
like it's just a moving target at all points of
their lives. So it's I always feel like, ah, this
(13:58):
is this is tough. Refigure this stuff out constantly.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
That sounds like a fun adventure, and.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Gay, I go, I should look at it that way.
I'm just always looking for a cheat code. I'm like,
all right, what now, what are you injured now? Be
talking less. Got it. I've been married for almost ten years.
Can sex therapy shut out the part of my brain
that remembers my twenties and thirties? You know, when I
was living the good life. I don't mean to say
(14:26):
the good life, but now that actually describes it pretty much.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
You mean, like, do we have one of those men
in black things where it can just and like out
goes a whole day?
Speaker 3 (14:34):
No?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
I mean, I don't know. I just feel like, is
there a way to block that out? Get rid of
the roll of desk?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
We want to?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Well, are you playing the compare and despair game? Daniel?
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Oh? Is that what it's called? Yeah? No, I'm not
playing it? Well now I am now because you put
in my heads. Now I'm doing it. I can't stop
doing it right now.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
You know, maybe you could use all of those memories
as like ideas to bring fun stuff into your tenure marriage.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Whatever you liked about those experiences, can they be a
bridge into the now?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
There were just somebody knew, that's all, you know. I've
never wanted to break up with somebody for someone else
in my way, that's nice. I've always wanted to break
up just so I could be alone again.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Okay. I was like, oh yeah, is it really taxing
for you to be in a relationship?
Speaker 3 (15:21):
No?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Not now now the person'm in relationship, I'm just like, yeah,
this is great, amazing, let's just let's just ride this out.
Mm hmm. Anyway, this is what therapy is. Yeah, this
isn't bad. Is cut your check at the end of
my venmo your houses work?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Hmmm, I'll send you a bill.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
What's the most common reason someone goes to see a
sex therapist?
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Usually because something's going on in their sex life and
they don't know how to make it better, But the
underlying question is usually something like am I normal? Am
I broken?
Speaker 1 (15:56):
You know?
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Am I okay? For wanting what I want? Or because
this thing has happened. So usually it's about addressing something
that they don't know how to make sense of and
making sure that they're like, okay.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
How do you start we come in for a sex
therapy session. How quickly do we just start talking about
the weird stuff that they do?
Speaker 2 (16:16):
I wouldn't call it weird, but sex therapy is just
like every other kind of therapy. At the start, it's
getting a lot of background about someone their life, their
medical history, legal history, family history, social history. We want
to know who you are holistically, and then we're going
to talk about whatever sexually is bringing you into the
space so that we can have a really integrated idea
(16:38):
of what's going on.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
How kinky are you dealing? I'm just like, are these
people like straight up freaks? What's the scale? What are
people into?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Now?
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Why wouldn't use the word freak unless we're using it
in like a positive like they're freaky, they're getting freaky
to what do.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
They just like have to like harness themselves up and
all that.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Have you ever tried it? No, Well, then you don't
know what you're missing.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
That's fine. I've never been to Bora Bora and I'm
okay with that. Okay, I know it's beautiful. Yeah, but
it's like whatever.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
People are kinky for lots of reasons, right, and it's
not always about sex, at least not penetrative sex. Kink
is really it's a vehicle for intimacy, intimacy with self,
intimacy with others. So people are kinky because they get
to feel something in their body or something in the
dynamic that they don't have access to otherwise, and sex
(17:28):
is play. It's play for adults, whether you're vanilla or kinky.
But the kinky folks, you know, they get pretty creative. Now.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
I've been my previous show that I had on Comedy Central,
I've been known to kink shame a time or two.
But I'll be honest with you in my defense, the
internet is just a horrible place, and I had no idea.
I mean, half the videos I didn't even know that
it was I mean, that's not true. I probably knew
it was sexual, but it's just so bizarre, the random
things that some people are just like, no, I just
(17:58):
sit here and comb somebody's hair for four hours. It's
just disturbing, is it?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Or is it just something you don't understand?
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I don't understand. Also, come on, that's what you need
to be doing. What about people that are into that weird?
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Uh uh?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
This is going to get disgusting. But yes, let's just
say poop people that are in like, is it poop play?
Is that a thing? Whatever?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
The thing?
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, you have to sit there and act like this
this is acceptable. What you're saying, Oh you're into this,
it's okay.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Why wouldn't it be okay?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
It's disgusting.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Yeah, Look, excrement can be really gross. We're all conditioned
to think you you you, and like disgust serves a very.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
He don't like it, Carls, like you're about to talk
about although he's a car.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, Carl's like Daniel, you're like speaking out of your
lane here.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Fair enough, fair enough, Carl, I apologize all right.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
People like it for different reasons. Some people enjoy that
kind of play because it is gross and they like
to lean into the disgust element or the humiliation element.
Some people like it because they want to reclaim something
in themselves. You know, everyone's different, and the important thing
to remember, whatever the kink is that somebody's doing, it's
(19:10):
a metaphor for something that they're trying to experience in life.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
No, that's just that's just some fucked up parents. That's
that's all it is. You just got to tell them
get out of your off and also, duh, it just
you clean the couch.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Everyone's got different things, I know. That's the beauty of sex, right,
Like it is so diverse. That's the one constant is
that it's diverse, and human beings are super super diverse.
We all like different kinds of foods. We like different
kinds of music. Why wouldn't we like different kinds of sex?
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I know we do. But no matter what you're into,
it's still you just want to get to the finish line.
The finish line is the same for everybody. Not necessarily,
it's still.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Focusing too much on an orgasm. Can really listen? Orgasms
are great. We've got to close the gap first of all.
But close the gap, the orgasm gap.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
What's the gap?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Oh, he's not heard of the orgasm gap?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
No, what is this?
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Okay? So big study was done a few years ago,
like fifty thousand ish participants.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
I would have participated. I bet you would have.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
And what they looked at were people's gender and sexual
orientations and their frequency of orgasm. What they learned is
that there's a huge gap for heterosexual people. Heterosexual men
have orgasms like something like ninety five percent of the time.
Uh huh, whereas heterosexual women have orgasms only something like
(20:33):
sixty five percent of the time.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
You don't, I say, who cares?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
I do feel sorry for your wife.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
But if you would have told me it was fifty
percent gap, I would have been like, of course, it's fifty.
I'm not gonna be I'm not shocked by that at all.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
No, not at all.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
But it sucks for women who have sex with men exclusively,
like their orgasm potential is so low.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Well, maybe they shouldn't be so hard to have an orgasm.
Maybe I'm getting hostile.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I hear that I want to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
Shouldn't mabe, shouldn't take so long. Oh, it's not our fault.
You're wired so tricky, isn't it though?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Is it in your do we need to talk about
where things are? Do you want to know? Should I
bring in my my life?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Listen, I'm I know what to do. But it's like
sometimes it's like, hey, you know, there's sometimes you're with
your partner again. I'm not talking about my way. I'm
talking about just in general.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Your friend's wife.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
They'll say those that you know, it's just not happening
that you know, all the same things are are are
in play here, but you know what you can just
they're just going to tap out, Yeah happens. And I'm
always like, as soon as I get that tap, I'm like,
oh great, three two one, h all right, So there's
a big gap. What do we have to do to
(21:41):
close the gap, We've got to be toys. Yes, do
you say toys or do you say what?
Speaker 2 (21:45):
What? What? Are?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
We call them sex toys? We call them what toys?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Accessory? That's more pre dildos. You can say whatever you want.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I don't. I don't want to see a now. Dildos
have always dildo. I tell you what. Dildo's have gotten
a bad rap. There you go. Yeah, I mean because
whenever I think of a dilda, I'm like, oh, that's
that's disturbing. But a vibrator, I'm like, oh that's nice,
that's interesting. But I'm just like, oh, I don't know,
because it's a big fake penis. I remember once seeing
(22:13):
a dildo under my one of my friend's beds uh
in college, and I was just like, you dirty hoe.
I didn't say that out loud, but I thought that
that's well. I'm just remembering now.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
It feels like you have some big feelings about this.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Well, I just again, you know, they make dilo's look
like penises too. That's always seen. Do you not like penises?
I mean I like, I think they're fine. Oh no,
you think you can You can't corner me. I'm out.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
You didn't get the three taps yet.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Hey, uh, penis envy? Do people bring up penis envy? Well?
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I think a lot of people heard Freud talk about
penis envy way back when. So there's there's a lot
of mythology about penis env Do you ever just.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Tell your clients listen, this is how many inches you
have to be for it to be a non issue.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
No, because everyone's different. Everyone's anatomy is different, vaginas are
different in length.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Are micro penis is a real thing?
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:12):
How small can they be?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Micro? Like?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
What is an actual micro penis? I mean they vary,
but would two inches erect be considered a micro penis?
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Possibly? I'd have to look at the exact specs on that.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I'd like to know what a micro penis. But what
the cutoff is for a micro penis. It's like a
little person, right, they have to be like under four
to eleven or something. I don't know what the rule is.
Is there any correlation between feet, hands, and penis.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
There's different studies about that. I don't think there's anything conclusive,
But recently I read that the one piece of anatomy
that's most correlated to penis sizes actually.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Knows, meaning what like a larger nose, a larger penis,
something like that.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
I don't know if that's true. That's just something I
read recently.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Huh, that's interesting. Can you get me into any of
the eyes wide shut parties that are going on in
Beverly Hills. I've got some connections you do, so you
know they exist.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Yeah, there's lots of parties.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Do you go to those? Ever, I'm not going to
tell you that. Okay, that's fair, but they exist. I
never thought they existed, and now I'm being told they do,
and now I'm being it's confirmation here that they do exist.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
No, there's all kinds of fun parties, not just in LA.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
You host those parties.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Different people, sometimes the organizations. Sometimes they're private parties.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Like an airbnb.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Oh, like, there's there's different companies that sex party is
is their things?
Speaker 1 (24:32):
What do they do to that the house? Though? I mean,
it's just that's respectable. No, they're not.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Sometimes it depends on who hosts them and who goes.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Oh, I don't want to rent that house after them.
You feel like, you know, like if you buy a
house and somebody just died in the house, they have
to let you know full disclosure. Yeah, I feel like
if your house was used as a sex party, they
should have to let you know why. I don't know,
so that I can scrape up some ass blood.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
I mean, I imagine that's been taken care of.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
I've seen the forensic work that people do. You always
there's always a drip somewhere.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Well, that could be true.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
How do they let you know one of these sex
parties is about to happen? They send out an evite?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
What's sometimes? I mean it depends, right, Like some of
the organizations that literally host these parties. Yeah, you get
on their newsletter. They some of them are by invite only.
Some of them you can apply to be accepted into.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Some of them, just like you have to have a
plus one.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Every Every party is different, right, Some parties, No, you
can come as a single person.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Yeah, Oh there's Tony. He's always here alone. This comes
in glomen on my wife. Anytime I've been to a
party in my life. I'm going to a party tomorrow
night and I'm dreading it.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
But it's a sex party.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Oh it's a birthday party anyway, But I just go
and I just immediately my wife and I just she like,
we just go to a corner and then I just
keep saying, like every five minutes, you think it's cool
if we leave. Now that that's how I envision how
I would beat a sex party. Well, yeah, I got mine.
(26:06):
How about you?
Speaker 2 (26:06):
I mean, therapy could help with your social skills.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Percentage of clients that are there by themselves versus with
a couple, Oh, it's so mixed.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
I mean, our practice works with individuals and couples. Some
specialize in one or the other. So we're pretty we're
pretty even. I would say we're maybe fifty five percent individuals,
forty five percent couples. Right now, some thrupples, some quads.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Quad and that's where you stop. You know what, I
feel like the quads are trying to do what I
feel like they're lying and they're just trying to get
a better rate on their therapy by coming in all together.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You know what, I'm going to investigate that that's an
interesting hypothesis.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Yes, just seems like they're trying to scam the system.
Oh yeah, just just act like we all bone each
other all right, here we go. Oh, I mean, honestly,
you have these thrupples come in of course, and I
pretend that they have like like, I know your problem.
There's fucking three of you.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
That's a problem at an opportunity for them. But listen,
folks who are non monogamous have typically are better adjusted
because they have to practice more communication, more proactive communication,
and they have to really work at it. Like one
relationship is hard, so if you add multiple relationships to
the mix, balancing all those boundaries and negotiating things, yeah,
(27:19):
it's complicated, but it can be great. I wouldn't call
it nonsense.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Do you think humans are meant to be monogamous?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
I think there's a huge spectrum and there isn't a
right or wrong way. Let me give you a little
history lesson Before the h I think it was the
agricultural Revolution, we weren't monogamous as like a group, a
cohesive group. There was a lot more community play happening,
community child rearing, community, everything. But once the agricultural revolution
(27:46):
happened and we started having like assets, like things that
we earned, then people wanted more assurance that the things
they were working for so at that time it was
like livestock and whatnot. They wanted to be able to
pass that along to their own children. So that's around
the same time that we started living more in like
a nuclear family dynamic, and when monogamy became more of
(28:10):
the desired relationship style because then men could determine the
paternity of offspring. When we had a lot of non
monogamous sex as humans, that was less known. So do
I think people are healthier? Not necessarily. Some people really
benefit from non monogamy and some people really benefit from monogamy.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
There's a huge spectrum in that spectrum. Would you say
that gay relationships are less monogamous than hetero relationships or
not necessarily?
Speaker 2 (28:39):
That's a really interesting question. I don't know the data
on that, but I would say there's a huge spectrum
of people in the queer community who prefer monogamy and
non monogamy.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Well, I'm trying to get them on the hook for
monogamy because I call the other stuff bullshit. If you
just get to go out willy nilly, reilly nilly, there's
a trade off you want to get married. It's like
you have to suck it up and suffer, Daniel.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
This is why people go to therapy, right.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Oh, to yell their stupid views. Do you have a
therapist to unload on of course, Now are you allowed
to just when you're in that environment just talk about
all of your clients in a free form there.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Great question. So therapists can have therapists, and sometimes they
might process some stuff that comes up for them from
their work in their own therapy, but usually we have
a separate space for that called supervision, where we consult
with other therapists about our cases.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Specifically, is sex therapy covered by insurance?
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Sometimes?
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Do you take insurance?
Speaker 2 (29:42):
No? Okay, but we do offer super bills and sliding scales.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Do you need it because you're usually hanging out with
a bunch of elitists in Beverly Hills, now right, I
wouldn't say that.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Oh, but yeah, our rates vary. We do what we
do do though, because accessibility is really important to me.
We have contracts with different schools to be a training
site for therapists, so we offer low and no cost
services with.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Our students, their students or students.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
No, no, we train therapists students, and then to the
folks out in the world they get really reasonable prices.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
Are sex therapists considered sex workers?
Speaker 2 (30:16):
That's a really interesting question. Some people treat us like
sex workers.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
What do you mean by that?
Speaker 2 (30:21):
They want to come in and throw money at a
problem and they want us to sort of like fix
it for them or address it in that way. Some people,
I don't know if they really don't know what we
do or if this is a gross boundary violation, but
they will try to engage in some kind of exhibitionism
(30:43):
or you know, they'll do inappropriate thing.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I know what you're saying now.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Yeah, so that happens for sex therapists quite a bit.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
You immediately report.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
That, my practice does.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to report someone because they
told you they've done something awful. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
So in California, every state as mandated reporter requirements where
we have to make reports, but it's really limited to
things like someone saying they're going to hurt themselves or
someone else. We have to report that. If someone tells
us that they know of any emotional, physical, sexual, or
financial abuse against someone under eighteen or over sixty five,
(31:21):
then we have to report that. And that includes child
sexual abuse material, so any like sexually explicit images of
children that they've been viewing or distributing or downloading knowingly.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
When you talk about pedophile stuff like that it's a sickness, right,
would you say pedophilia is a sickness or no, I
would say.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
It's it's a pathology.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Yeah, well, it's just the one thing that if someone
has no one, no one goes, oh, well they have
a disease and there's no everybody's just like now fuck them.
They burn at the steak.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
Yeah. Look, humans love easy black and white categorizations, right,
So we love to think of ourselves as good people
and bad people. Yep, And that's just not the reality
of life. Like, there's so many people out in the
world who are really good people outward facing, and they're
doing things at home that are really really abusive, really horrible.
(32:14):
It's like, the most common data about perpetrators of sexual
violence is that it's always, not always, but majority of
the time, it's someone known to the victim. And when
your child, that means it's a parent, a caregiver, a teacher,
a coach, religious person that you know has been entrusted
with children. It's all these adults or older siblings around them.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
So I gotta get all the adults out of my
kid's life, because I can rule myself out, I can
rule my wife out. Other than that, I can't trust anyone. Wow,
So no religious figures can go around my kids, the teachers.
I don't know how to get around that one.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
That's hard. Yeah, that's why it's not so easy to
look at everyone as black and white. Good people, bad people.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Well I think all of them are bad. If they're
looking at my kid.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
They're doing really horrible things.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Yeah that's awful. Yeah, talk to me. Oh oh, we
got to get into this. If you were called to
provide your psychological expertise in the p Ditty case, what
would your diagnosis be?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Oh, well, we can't provide diagnoses for people we've never evaluated.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I know, but let's just go for it. I mean,
this is this fascinating, this case.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
This is why I became a forensic psychologist.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
You get to understand why people do the most malevolent
and dark things that they do, and why do they
so many different reasons. People's motivations vary, but usually when
it comes to stuff like this, the motivation is power.
It's wanting to have control, it's wanting to feel superior
or feel protected in your superiority, and having a sense
(33:45):
of power gives people that illusion of superiority and It
gives them the illusion then of having some sort of
safety in this world. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
I mean I believe you, and I'm I just you know,
when you live long and if you realize there's every
walk of life. Yeah, but when you're like, when you're
living your life in a normal shell or what you
perceive to be normal, and you see how other people act,
I just can't. I just can't wrap my head around it.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Yeah, well, that's good, you're not a psychopath.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
What's he called his little sex party? What were those
the freak offs? And they went for a days? That's
I don't care what you're into sexually, what I and
I can wrap my head around. Oh, everybody's into different things,
blah blah blah. Fine. What I can't wrap my head
around is somebody's into it for three straight days. I mean,
(34:36):
no matter what I'm into. After said climax, I'm no
longer into it. I'm like, all right, let's get out
of my house, guys.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
But you're assuming it's about sexual pleasure, and it's not right.
Sexual violence is not about sexual pleasure. It's about power.
It's about being in control. So I can't speak to
this case because I haven't investigated it. I don't know
the details. I don't know the psyche.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
But when people do things like this, often they're not
even masturbating, they're not even enjoying it in that way,
or if they are, it's a short lived experience, and
then they come back to, you know, kind of resting
on this idea of I did this, this is my doing,
and that gives them a sense of control. We've seen
that with lots of kinds of situations where perpetrators are
(35:22):
found to have hosted public events in a non consensual way.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Well, okay, I'm gonna get off this. But it's just
so fresh right now in the news, like anytime something
goes three days, Like whenever you're watching a movie and
like a Jason Bourne movie, he's on the run, and
it's like, well, when are you taking a nap? When
do you go into the bathroom? P do you still
have to go out in normal day activities? Like when
was he checking emails? Like while all this nonsense is
(35:49):
going on in the living room. Just the smell alone,
I'm just confused. Oh, he's going away and he's gonna
get locked up. I know, you don't know the particulars.
But he's done right, is done. See that's the trade off. Yeah,
you could look at my life and say it's boring,
but look at that idiot. I thought he was, you know,
gonna ride that biggie fame forever. Nope, everybody's on my
(36:12):
show gets a gift. Oh yeah, but it's just stuff
for my house that I don't want.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
I don't want your dildo.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Oh you know that's funny that you say that. I
was like going around my house like I don't have
any sexy stuff to give it. But this, this is
the last interview that I'm doing with this table.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
So I'm giving you this table. I don't know where
you're gonna put it, but this table is now yours.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
That is just so generous. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
So I need you to take this with you. Get
your get your get my mug off your table. I
have this candle to you. This is sensual amber. You're
gonna love that candle. Well, thank you. That's your table,
so I guess you can keep it on there. Thank you.
What else do I have done here? Oh? This I
wanted you to have? This is uh. I don't never
(37:02):
I'm always paranoid to get rid of my old computers
because there's probably stuff on there that I don't want.
But this one, you know, I figured you're legally you
can't look at that, and there's nothing on there that
you would be uh freaked out by. So I'm just
gonna give you my old computer as well.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
That's that is very generous, all right?
Speaker 1 (37:20):
Can you sit them on the floor your gifts. I'm
excited for you to have these things. Thank you, You're welcome.
Are you in a relationship currently? I am. How long
have you been in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (37:32):
H five years? Over five years?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Now, what's the longest you've ever been in a relationship
this one? Look at that? You think you're going to
go the distance? I don't know what that means. Thirty
to forty more years?
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Maybe we'll see.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Would you like that? Do you want to grow old
with someone or no?
Speaker 2 (37:48):
I think there's benefits to that for sure, and there
are benefits to maybe not doing that. It all depends
on the quality of the relationship that someone's in. If
it's great, like yeah, why wouldn't you want to go
the distance in that? But if it's something that isn't
a good fit for one or both people, I don't
recommend going the distance.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Just to say you went. I feel like it's just
like a contest. Let's see if we can do it.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
That's your motivation, go for it.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
Do you have a safe word in your relationship? Sure
you do? Yeah, okay, that's all I need to know.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
I'm not going to tell you what it is, though.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Mine's called nine one one.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
That's that's very safe. Total boner killer too.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
I just scream, well, there's no there's only one boner
in the room. And if I'm screaming, call nine one one,
somebody better do it. Exactly where do you put sex
in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (38:32):
What?
Speaker 1 (38:32):
What number is it? As like things that are the
most important to you.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
It's totally different based on the partners in every relationship.
For some people that's like number one priority and that's fine.
For other people it's like, it's nice, great, we'll do
it when we want to, and it's maybe two, three, four,
even fifth down in the rung of priorities, and that's okay,
as long as there's cohesion between partners on how to
(38:57):
prioritize sex.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Mine is mine? Is you usually number two? Okay? In
the morning. By the evening it's it's down to like nine.
I get that. Sometimes it spikes back back up to
two or three, and then it just immediately drops again
into the low teens. When when is h When is
my sexual drive going to fall off a cliff? I'm
(39:20):
forty nine right now. Do you have a general idea
of when that should happen?
Speaker 2 (39:25):
So, I mean for people with penises, it's usually when
their testosterone starts to decrease. But now, everyone's baseline level
of desire in libido is pretty different, So your normal
might be somebody else's high desire or low desire today.
So in five years or ten years.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
You know, when you're talking to seventy year old? Do
you ever talk to seventy year old?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
Oh? Of course?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Are they still pleasure in themselves?
Speaker 3 (39:49):
The men?
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Yeah, they are, yeah, often? Yes? Did you you know
what nightment? When do I get to stop?
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Whenever you want?
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Well, you know when do I? When do I want
to stop?
Speaker 2 (40:00):
Well, that's a different story.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I don't know, right, you said, seventy year olds are
still sitting around yanking it.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
You know, what's interesting is that there is such a
high rate of STD occurrence in independent living communities and
older communities because older people are people, and they're having
lots of sex, and they don't have to be bothered
by like the fears of pregnancy anymore.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
So there's raw dogging it in the old folks home.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
There's a lot of fun happening.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Yeah, disgusting the balls that must hang and swing in
those communities, Jesus, just disturbing.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Well seeing here, you thought men's bodies didn't change much.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Now, balls, ears, and noses, they just keep going on men.
It's just a horrific hmm. Well, you know that's neat
that you talk to these old people and they're still disgusting.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Old people are beautifully sexual humans too.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
What's the best way to go into a relationship if
you want your sex life to thrive throughout?
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Oh, with humility, right and curiosity? Sex is fun, right,
Sex hopefully, it's great.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
It can be sure, it's a time killer.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
It's something to do. I'm worried about your wife, don't honesty.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
That's fair, that's fair. Again, we're not talking about me,
your friend's wife. That's right, thank you.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
Yeah, So sex is great, and it can also be
a landscape for all kinds of really complex emotions and
really complex like social experiences. So I think there's a
lot to parse out and a lot to consider when
you think about how to go into a relationship to
have great sex. You want to be curious, you want
to be humble, you want to think about your intentions
(41:42):
for being sexual, and you want to think about it
as a co created experience. Right, that's something that one
person is giving to another person or getting from another person.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
I don't do any of that. I just want to
be attracted to the person. That's a start. That's it.
I mean on all levels, not just a physical attraction.
That's up there. Kate, thank you very much for being here.
I'm going to figure everything out on my own.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
I think you're doing a great job.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Okay, I appreciate it. Eddie, Yes, I got some big news.
I want you to know that I'm an ally and
I support your decision. No, Eddie, that's not it. This
is going to affect all of us. The show Toss
(42:31):
Show now has merch. Look at this, huh? I got
my Carl's shirt on. Do you believe in ghost sweatshirts? Hats,
t shirts? Oh my goodness, it's a small pointed rollout.
Do we have any shackets? I don't think so. Will
we get shackets hopefully one day, But right now you
(42:55):
can be the first on your block to rock some
Toss Show gear. Now where do you get it? That's interesting? Target? Nah,
I don't think it's available at Target. Either go to
Daniel Toosh dot com or Tossshowstore dot com. There's probably
a link there if you check the description on this video,
(43:17):
we'll have a link. I mean, this is exciting guys.
All right, here's the deal. If I catch anybody wearing
Toss Show merch out in public, I'm gonna run up
to you and tickle you. Oh yeah, okay, and you,
by you wearing this, you have agreed to be tickled.
I want to thank everyone in advance who purchases one
(43:38):
of these items and then sees me out in public
wearing it and does this. It'll be fine, all right.
Back to the show, Casha, I want to thank doctor
Kate for being on the show talking about sex for
(43:58):
an hour. Get me all rock card. Then she takes
our table I got enough of to hide a boner. Ah,
that's a shame. Well, I'm looking forward to our new table.
I am a new boner. We got some plugs this
week Carl, we got our boys wear pink eddiegosling dot
com for his tour dates. Come see me on tour.
(44:20):
Also our free plug segment. Oh, this is exciting. Every
week a new business or town or something getting a
free plug from us. This week, Eddie, you're gonna love
this one. I know how much you love magic. Pete too,
Pete loves. We've got two people in a room of
(44:40):
four people that love magic. Carl not so much. This
week's free plug Abbot's Magic Shop in Colon, Michigan, the
magic capital of the world. You find yourself in Colon,
head on over to Abbots for a wide selection of
new and gently used magic items. You ever heard the
term gently used? It's ridiculous. I just found out about Colon,
(45:06):
the butthole of America. If you ask me, I bet you,
I bet you. They've never heard that over there at Colon. Anyway,
if you're in the market for some failed magicians chalet
duck bucket, they get one for a bargain over there
at four hundred bucks. Or gently used ten inch featherweight
linking rings they're gonna run around six fifty over at
(45:26):
Abbot's Magic Shop. I'm told the twelve inch ones normally
cost around seven to fifty, but they're currently out of stock.
All right, that's an Abbot's Magic Shop in Colon, Michigan.
Tell them Tosh sent you. Enjoy You don't get anything
for that. You still have to pay full price, but
it'd be funny if you tell them I sent you
and located on Saint Joseph Street between Canal and State
(45:51):
Street in downtown Colon, Michigan. See you next week.
Host
Daniel Tosh
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